7 Passive Aggressive Control Games Narcissists Play

Because they wish to maintain control over you, narcissists can become quite aggressive. But Dr. Les Carter explains that they can also resort to passive forms of aggression, which can be all-the-more frustrating since they allow the narcissist to be sly and slippery. He identifies 7 of the most common passive aggressive games they play.
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[@chelleb3055]

I learned the hard way to never give away too much information to anyone until you truly get to know and trust them. Narcissists love to take every single thing they know about you and use it as a passive aggressive weapon, especially in public settings so they can humiliate you. It's like they are stuck mentally as an elementary school bully.

[@panoplia5167]

Absolutely!

[@frau_ic]

imagine you have been exposed to this since you were born. How hard it is to learn later that no one has a right to your trust. Especially when as a child you couldn't follow your instincts and just leave your family - the one you distrust the most is then, unfortunately, yourself. Oh dear.

[@lil--mo2025]

So true! My last girlfriend (25 yr old single mom) (I’m 42), came into my life and played the sweet, naive, innocent professional. She then began to do all the things that she knew were contrary to her own words and against my firm boundaries, i.e. lying, sneaking around, manipulation, denial, etc. I would try and talk to her about my feelings and concerns regarding the bars and staying out on the weekends, she would stonewall, deflect, project, blame shift and then completely invalidate me. I would begin to get angry and reactive abuse started to show. I was emotionally a wreck. I’d try and calmly talk with her and she would appear to be happy with my pain and sadness. I remember this one time I was not at all raising my voice or arguing with her and simply stated my opinion and she looked at me with a smile and said; “you’re a bully aren’t you m?!” I knew something was way off as I had never once been referred to as a bully my whole life and I actually don’t like bullies. Looking back on this I can see that every aspect of her life is based off of manipulation and control of people, places and issues. She gets off on the power of it.

[@hikerhobby1204]

@@lil--mo2025 You’re not a bully! They do and say that stuff to make you feel like you’re going crazy! God Bless!

[@chelleb3055]

@@frau_ic I don't have to imagine it, I lived it. It's been a very difficult struggle to get where I'm at because I was born into a family of narcissists and sociopaths. Not just abusive to me but to our pets as well. I have c-ptsd and am recovering from borderline personality disorder because of my traumatic upbringing and from watching our pets be tortured and killed for fun. Dr. C's videos have helped me so much!

[@gwendolynbien-aime1536]

My mom used to say, “Many a truth is said in jest”. When a narcissist insults and quickly follows up with “I was just kidding”, don’t believe it. The narcissist stated his true sentiment with the original insult.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You get it. Dr. C

[@pjfountaine7755]

To quote Maya Angelou, “When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them.” Many times it takes a kind hearted person a bit longer (or many many years of abusive treatment) to get out of a relationship with somebody like that, the insulting, smirkingJoker who always cuts you down with a smile. They prey upon kindness and feast on all those second-third-upteemth chances that merciful, good natured people dole out. Bullies they are for sure and the best thing is to ignore them and get away as fast as you can. And don’t take their calls, their notes, or whatever.,

[@therealcoachdyson]

I always tell them, you meant it

[@nightmareTomek]

“I was just kidding” is meant to get out of an argument, they're not sincere.

[@emmaharper860]

Lesson learned.

[@moebanshee]

Narcissists are controllers and they're punishers. The first goal is control. They're going to control you and if they can't control you they punish you. That's what I'm going through with a neighbor. This epidemic is bigger than personal relationships (like husband and wives or boyfriends and girlfriends or lovers or even families). Narcissism as is at an all-time high and people (for some reason) think they have the right to punish you if you do not do what they tell you to do

[@jeffreyrossman8661]

Hi Moe. How are you feeling today I hope your day is as bright as your pretty smile today, I was commenting on when I come across you and all what you just said in your comments is great and amazing, I will like us to been a friend's, is that's okay with you..??

[@daphventurer7475]

I am also facing a group of narcissist neighbours!! I really try to "grey-rock" them and ignore them. I don't talk to them or even look at them. And they turn their attention to someone else sometimes But then just when I think they have left me alone...they try something again to antagonize me. They like looking for some kind of allegation against me over very small things or just made-up issues. But I still ignore...Then I go to my bible and pray all the prayers there against evil people. For me, it is my faith in God to fight them for me, that keeps me going.

[@andreah6379]

You are very observant. Narcissism reached front & center when 45 came into office. He has been diagnosed as a narcissistic sociopath by many professionals in psychology. He fit all the guidelines: authoritarian/controlling, hypocrite, zero empathy, bully, no respect for other's boundaries, selfish, manipulative with money, ruled by anger, etc... Actually, all rightwing party has these traits! So, yes, very common. Narcissism runs in families. It's about pathological upbringing and modern-day conservatism is all about narcissism and sociopathology. All rightwing voters are somewhere on that pathological spectrum. See how they cruelly behave with strangers at school boards, on airplanes, anywhere in public. These are the mask/vaccine/science/facts haters. And they are ruled and activated by 1 main emotion: hate, anger. We live in dangerous times. This "sickness" is all too prevalent in America today,

[@daphventurer7475]

@@andreah6379 Not just America. In the whole wide world !!!

[@peculiarpriscilla7777]

Sin. Bc inquity increases the love of many grows cold Matthew 24:12

[@stacypogue3183]

Love seeing Gus the dog sleeping so peacefully on the couch.

[@eyeoftheneedle1116]

IKR?

[@juliettedauterive3745]

He is so zonked, lol. He knows HEs safe.

[@cosmicmuffin322]

We love Gus 😍😍

[@Misses-Hippy]

@@cosmicmuffin322 France loves Gus.

[@prettysmile6869]

How old is Gus? Does anyone know 🇳🇱❤️🇺🇦✌️

[@scrotieballs]

There are two kinds of people in my family: narcissists and scapegoats. I'm a scapegoat with narcissistic tendencies. I watch your videos to recognize and adjust my unhealthy behaviors. It's been enlightening to say the least. Thank you.

[@jonathanalpart7812]

Same.

[@teresah4972]

@Jessica York I think we all can have a narcissistic side. Maybe not by true nature, but by learned behavior. The difference between a true narcissist is they don't want to change their unhealthy behaviors!

[@annettedevries7559]

I,m proud of you...💪🏽🤗

[@annettedevries7559]

@@teresah4972 Exacly Teresa .

[@christinalw19]

God Bless You. Your INTENTIONS are what matters. 😘🙏🏼

[@TheLarigrader]

The blank stares, the rage out of nowhere, the lack of empathy when i got hurt or was sick in bed. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that you cant explain, That feeling that something is "off" that you cant pinpoint, It;s all making sense now!

[@abutterfly7975]

You sound exactly like me!

[@billyhampton2154]

My mom died. Granted we weren't close towards the end...but my narc decided appropriate response to me forgetting to introduce her to someone, was storming out and berating me in the car. Because I didn't even realize what I'd done. I thought something was wrong because I turned towards her and saw her walking off.

[@candimero1151]

That’s exactly what I’m dealing with right now..but I’m actively looking to get out

[@geppertmail]

OMG, you nailed the exact experience that I have been going through 🤔. Thank you and good luck

[@ronigiacobetti2393]

That was my life - narc mother and sister... All's good now though- they haven't been part of my life for about 10 years😊

[@gregh2322]

If you engage with them on any level, you'll get the same predictable controlling behavior. You can't win. They must feed the monster inside of them.

[@alonzomosley7]

Completely correct, you can't win ,just remove yourself from the equation.

[@macnchessplz]

Oh yes, it’s predictable. Which is why disengaging is the best resolution. And not reacting as hard as that can be.

[@shawnpatrick4703]

Poor monster got indigestion from eating her soul.

[@alonzomosley7]

@Michel Brown I know going through it myself with my adult child, its tough.

[@monsterinhead214]

??? What Monster ???

[@ErumEhmad20]

"You can be the queen or king of that hill, I'm not on that hill anyway." I love how this neutralizes their game. And I get to raise my vibes around the narcissists without having to worry about them bringing me down.

[@mundarradrew8257]

Amen to that one too💞💞💞💞💞💞💯💯💯🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@everybodyneedsagoat3958]

Yes! I loved that - not on the hill anymore.

[@deborahbulthe]

their hill is a lonely place

[@rustyrussell3211]

Not on their hill, oh I'm glad to hear that one. I can visualize him alone on his very own hill.

[@trumptrainconductor7746]

@@mundarradrew8257 M my n B N k

[@willyoung1624]

One of my narc mom's favorite response is "I am not intending to hurt you" but then continues with the same behaviors that do hurt me. Double standard is like a punch to the gut. She has the right to be upset about anything but I'm always supposed to get over it or let it go.

[@cymbolichuman433]

You're supposed to be perfect, and they are a mess!

[@edmundhunt5158]

Ditto. She can criticize anyone but can't take the merest hint of a criticism herself. When her criticism is brought to her attention she says "people shouldn't be so thin skinned"!

[@demondogmom7221]

My mother loved to say nasty stuff under the pretense of "love", especially in public where she thought she was "safe" from getting a response. I took to saying, "So, was it your intention to be mean?" She'd deny that (stammering because she was caught), and I'd point out she needs to think before talking...in public and in a calm, rational manner. It took awhile, but she learned...

[@andrearush6209]

Ohh, this resonates both in the intent and double standard. Father, sister, brother to varying degrees. It's surreal to see it in action. I've finally gotten some traction with distancing and moving forward. It's hard because I love them but it's too much chaos and I don't want to be who it I am around them. Hang in there. Walk upright and keep the faith. ❤️

[@motorcityblacksheep121]

And some of them gloat on the fact they’re the “Meanest Mom”. Until being a mean mom wasn’t considered a good thing. Can’t backpedal it back to nurturing at this point.

[@brightbite]

2 more: Back handed compliments: "Oh I like what you you did with your living room! SOOO much better than the other way you had it!" Or, if they have hurt you, they bring up some perceived slight you "afflicted" them with, like 20 years ago. They keep all their grievances of you in their heads forever and then use them against you sometimes years later.

[@christinalw19]

I’m a designer and creative in many realms. People who make comments like that are intimidated, jealous, or overwhelmed. Just say “Thank you.” The lessons are for everyone. 😘👍🏼

[@jwagz9300]

@brightbite I had one who literally kept a notebook of his percieved slights. Know what wasn't in that @#!#@ notebook? Alllllllllll the time and efforts I gave him. Most recent, and what broke the camel's back involved COVID. I had it, but this (bleeeeeep) needled me to so things every day, regardless of how much I said how I didn't feel good, think I may have the vid, should probably stay home and isolate, excessive comments, mind you, about being WORRIED I could get someone else sick, while he behaved as if I wasn't sick, was just weak and a hypochondriac. Acted like I wasn't sick, and actually had me believing I was just weak, lazy, and pathetic, so I pushed myself and would spend time with him when I really wanted to be in bed resting. Well sure enough, he got sick and got tested and got a positive test... (Not a boyfriend, only a friend, now an ex-friend) So, when he got tested suddenly it was all about him, and he started using it against me that he was doing everything right, unlike me. I lost it. Took me over a month to get through it, and I feel so angry. Maybe it wouldn't have tAken so long, or gotten worse, had I not had that jerk needling and pressuring me, dismissing me and gaslighting me, or had trusted my gut over his b.s. Such a jerk, I feel angry every time I think about it. This is also a dude who presents himself as a Torah Observant Christian dresses up as a Jewish person. The yarmulke, tzi tzi prayer tassels, attends church OFTEN-as often as possible, and "volunteers" but all of it, I learned, was PHONEY. It is such an arrogant delusional superiority complex. No compassion, no appreciation for ANYTHING, and no remorse since he thinks he can do no wrong. I'm like a magnet for narcs, as I am very open, very real, super compassionate, traumatized, and always willing to hear if I've hurt someone and legit care... so I isolate a lot. Seems safer and I'm tired of being hurt by people I trust and give the benefit of doubt to. It is almost like I'm "retarded" in a sense. Very vulnerable and narcs seem to smell me even if in a crowd of thousands. I do pray to GOD for forgiveness for my errors and anger and the isolating. For me, with societal norms having turned narcissistic abuse as the way, the world is a dangerous place. A lot of what is common and normal today IS psychotic narcissistic abuse. I now believe it to be the playbook of the devil, and this is exactly what the serpent did to god and Eve... gaslighting. Literally. The playbook of s'tan.

[@unconversantcallowincandes1540]

Exactly!! Glad you get it 💯

[@jwagz9300]

@@unconversantcallowincandes1540 who did you mean gets it 100%? (Just curious... don't wanna be like "yeah Rusty, I so do" in my head if it was to someone else's comment!) Hehe😜😁😃

[@bobtaylor170]

@@christinalw19 , thank you! Several people have said that sort of thing about something which matters to me, and which I think I do well.

[@sharonpoisson8401]

I quit my job so that I could take care of my Brother when he had cancer. I found out a year or so later that my Mother told everyone that I was fired from my job for being dishonest. Crazy narcissistic people!!

[@leahsmith2027]

Gus back there sleeping makes me smile, so cute.

[@Natybsg]

"Narcissists are known for having many double standards". Man, they ARE the double standards 😯 that's really mind blowing when you are a kid 😤😵

[@fredhubbard7210]

There is an expression--If they didn't have double standards... they wouldn't have any standards at all! As much as I enjoy this aphorism, I think it is misleading. They have at best one set of standards... the ones for you. And even then, they aren't really standards, because they are constantly changing. Regardless of what you do, you still don't measure up. I remember thinking of my mother, "I can always sleep comfortably know that whatever I did, whatever choice I made--it was the wrong one.

[@sgtmuffinbadger6147]

Yes they do exactly what they claim to hate

[@foodog777]

The not valuing your time piece is a giveaway of a narcissist. I wish I had realized that with the worst narc of my life.

[@sweetbabe3539]

Gus is comfortable. That little fellow knows how to deal with a narcissist. Don’t sweat it, take care of yourself.

[@Paula-sw4mw]

Let's all be like Gus.

[@lifewithapurpose237]

³¹oct: Common passive aggressive control games, dr.c here are my experiences. •Silent treatment •Ignore your questions •On-purpose, forget to do...[fill in blank] •Hold grudges •Leave you out of conversations, esp when engaging with loved ones •Sabatage your plans, esp celebratory ones •Act like they can not hear you

[@krisztina442]

I totally agree! I would add two of my 'favourites'. First the backhanded (unpleasant) compliments... you know, something like this: 'You are so fit and pretty, it's disgusting!' Or 'I like your dress. It was fashionable two years ago, wasn't it?' The other one is when they somehow perceive that you are in good mood and satisfied or somehow 'above' them, maybe you are the 'winner' of a situation (that's just their perception, not necessarily the reality) and they say something to pull you down onto their level, to ruin your mood, to make you feel like a fool. It's a jab, an unpleasant but very subtle remark, often disguised as a joke.

[@hcombs0104]

A sibling is an expert at passive aggressive BS. For instance, saying "you seem too intelligent" to have certain political beliefs that don't correspond with hers. And if you confront her, she breaks into tears, like a five-year-old, and gives a litany of your faults (according to her) and shriek "after all I've done for you!!!" Which has always been very little.

[@lifewithapurpose237]

@@krisztina442:³¹oct🎃: krisztina, totally relate to your second paragraph. Not only party poopers but ' *good mood pooper* too

[@user-cp5yi8cr5w]

Especially the sabotage of celebration. Even if it’s for them. Waste your time, energy, money, efforts. Super turn off. lol like just let me know if you don’t want this. Smh

[@jwagz9300]

@@lifewithapurpose237 Joyrobbers

[@wallymarcel1]

Ask what you want then deliberately withhold it.

[@lifewithapurpose237]

wally: you brought back memories, learned some time ago not to make em aware of my likes, wishes or even dreams, as these *were* withheld (before i learned my lesson). Adopted the ' *whatever* ' attitude, since then have heard dr.c make a video 📹 on this whatever attitude

[@wallymarcel1]

@@lifewithapurpose237 you can see thelittle gleam in their eye when you’ve told them. “Boy, am I gonna have fun with this.”

[@hedywolf6041]

Or if they know you don't like something, they will try to repeat, create or subject you to it.

[@wallymarcel1]

@@FenianPhoenixRises I do the same. Have fun with them. Well, as much as you can…

[@krejados1]

Another way p/a narcs like to gaslight: project their passive-agressiveness onto you.

[@deborahbulthe]

sure they do and when you ask a concrete question like : Hey I got the impression you are not feeling okay how comes ? If you do or not want to elaborate it is okay. Or can you think of something to soothe yourself even if the soothing is on your own not with me ? They go numb storm away start rambling. And afterwards a day later or so you ask kindly ' What happened even if you have no words, let us think about a solution' They 1 give you a fake promise 2 Go numb 3 Or storm away

[@onlydebra4580]

Try dealing with a narcissist being an addict, too...its omg...

[@lozannevanniekerk5489]

My dad just stares if you tell him he hurt you stone cold and say nothing they do not fix things it is horrible being the child of a narcissists

[@lifewithapurpose237]

agree, they do not fix things , but ready to take the credit for what others do. Ours would say, out of nowhere, " *Your Welcome* " whenever our children had successes

[@lifewithapurpose237]

i 🙏 your other parent is the opposite of your narcoid parent.

[@suzannerichardson3208]

My mother and older sister abusively phone harassed me for 40 years. When I finally started standing up for myself and expressed my anger to my sister, she played the victim immediately.

[@jackpetersen7545]

Suzanne Richardson,You look gorgeous 🌹🌷,I think you deserve better 🙏

[@sudhakhristmukti1930]

So sad they made that choice. I had to cut off all contact with a verbally & emotionally abusive uncle ... and he took to smear-campaigning, instigating other relatives and whoever else he could, against me. He had been mean to my mother all the while taking her free expert medical help for himself & his family for years on end, as she was a wonderful and compassionate physician, and he often asked her for money. One day when I was about 25 or 26 he raged at me while I had to give a phone message in person ( which his brother had asked me to do - he lived in another city) pointing his finger close to my nose, and did not allow my tired mom to have her dinner in peace..after a long hard day , at our home. I told him after years of his taunts and insults and miserable behaviour, that he should never again set his foot at our home again. Peace thereafter. Years later a few days after my father's funeral he uttered a foul expletive at me in the presence of his daughter-in-law.

[@susanmunoz7688]

Isn’t wonderful to be reminded that the narcissist loves to get you into a argument ! Let’s just leave them to argue with their own self! Have a blessed day Team Healthy 😊👋

[@panoplia5167]

Yes, let's do. 😃

[@sylviaparker9010]

I've found you cannot disagree with a narcissist, they are always right, but you learn to just ignore them, usually people of intelligence sees right through them, in other words they fall over themselves and let their guard down eventually, I'm a better person for not being like them. My mantra is " They have the problem" say that to yourself it works..

[@wayneelliott1180]

My technique is to change the subject mid-flight. It trips them over. If they persist in their attempts to create conflict, just walk away. They can't fuck with you if you're not there.

[@dnwitte]

@@wayneelliott1180 My narc would follow me if I walked away, and berate me for "not communicating".

[@geppertmail]

Amen

[@jengable4888]

The level of hypocrisy, the double standards, the GASLIGHTING, the passive aggressive/vindictive/criminal behavior is so apparent ! They talk out of both sides of their mouths, and do NOT have any credibility whatsoever ! In addition, they may have ASPD, so they may LIE, try to smear/destroy your career, relationships, life, and then deny it, when clearly there is OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE !! Thank you for posting this !

[@robbrewer2036]

Best wishes and may life be good to you in the future.

[@jengable4888]

@@robbrewer2036 thank you very much...! I need justice and financial restitution for what happened to my infant daughter and I. There may be others who have suffered as I have, for decades, and if that is the case, they need compensation too ! I need financial restitution now ! How long is this going to go on for ? Victims of intermittent, but ongoing crimes MUST be compensated for ALL of their losses ! ⚖️ Why should I have to claim bankruptcy, become homeless, or both, because the utter lawlessness that has been allowed in this country ?!? The crimes/abuses are REAL, were reported for 15+ years, were IGNORED and I was MOCKED ! Have a good night -

[@robbrewer2036]

Every jurisdiction needs to make coercive control a criminal offence and enforce it.

[@jengable4888]

@@robbrewer2036 YES ! I agree 100% ! Psychological /financial abuse is illegal in France and the UK. At least these countries recognize how insidious the victimization can be, especially when it comes from a parent, or family member. This is what was done to me by my adopted brother, trying to pin others against me, and from others in my own family who used my willingness to assist against me to further the orchestrated beat down. I was toyed with like a puppet, only to be HORRIBLY abused/victimized, by my family and society. This is true and there are pictures, video, eye witnesses, and other documents that substantiate my claim. Also, my poor infant daughter, (Miya Jane Justeson) never had a chance ! I WILL file a lawsuit, and I WILL WIN my freedom !! I will receive financial restitution for ALL of the damages ! Thank you for your support ! Last, let us hope that additional laws will be passed to enforce the following: 1. Criminalize psychological abuse.(Use the DSM-5 as a guide) 2. Criminalize financial abuse. 3. Criminalize to the fullest extent of the law, cybercrime which includes cyber stalking. 4. "The Right to Know"- any tenant entering to a tenant agreement MUST be informed if ANYONE in the house/complex has had or continues to have the following: 4a. Previous arrests 4b. Previous or current substance use disorders 4c. Physical health issues 4d. Mental Health issues I have been subjected to additional victimization because I was NEVER informed that there was, or currently, an individual (tenant) either in the home or in the complex who had/still has severe issues ! This is completely unfair to the unsuspecting tenant, and can cause further victimization ! I am infuriated at what has been done to my infant daughter and I !! Again, thank you for your support !

[@taraarrington2285]

@@robbrewer2036 yes!

[@user-cw7ef3zi8o]

When you are not feeling well, they will go on talking about that day many months ago when they were not feeling well, what they had to tolerate.

[@GMAAndy333]

I listen periodically to remind myself of why I left years ago... Not too easy being single but better than life with a narcissist.

[@lindadobberstein2035]

I would rather live with Gus! Such a sweet peaceful dog!

[@kamohelomokanayne2330]

Narcissism is a far too common mental condition where the brain did not develop to where one cannot function socially in any kind of relationship.These people are stuck with the reasoning capacity of a 4 year old... It is a sickness, this is why there is so much chaos in the world. My ex would say things like; I have a strong personality I can't help it It's the way I am I can't help it!

[@christinerobertson9596]

My ex- "I ams what I ams, that's all that I ams." When I wanted to go to counseling he said that he liked himself, no need to change - He said he didn't have a conscience. Called himself "Jimmy Hot Jimmy." "Gimmee, Gimmee my name is Jimmy" We were searching for a home to buy and I asked when we would meet with realtor and he said, " I already bought a house for us!!" That was about 6 months before I asked for separation....lost my daughter to him, but that's life with a narc.

[@pushthepot]

"well the way you are fuckin blows"

[@teresarenee3829]

No accountability.

[@micheleelliott4726]

One game my narcissist plays a lot is trying to direct my physical actions then condemn me when I don't follow what he instructs; such as when I'm driving and I'm pulling into a parking lot- I didn't use the correct entrance or didn't turn the way he would have, or didn't parked where he would have parked. It's disorienting to have that narrative and increases my chance to make a mistake because he is trying to get me to doubt myself and my decisions- which is what he is counting on so he has something later to use against me on his 'grocery list of my shortcomings'. I've learned to pretty much ignore everything he instructs me to do.

[@lifewithapurpose237]

sounds like he tries to *undermine your reasoning*

[@heathernewman5272]

I can SO relate!!

[@sage9836]

Narcs in the Car! I had this person who would ask me for a ride, and during the ride freak out, startle me, direct every turn, and tell me I was not an agressive enough driver,. Didn't stop them from asking for a ride until I said no more. I don't know if that person was a narc or not And another person - in this grungy fast food parking lot a car had parked more diagonally than the faded lines indicated. To fit into the next available space, I parked just as diagonally beside. While were there, the very diagonally parked car had left, and other cars had parked as diagonally as I had. The narc said something like "Look what you did to all these people. They had to park like that because of YOU." I started thinking this person had some kind of a problem.

[@heathernewman5272]

@@serenitysmith352 yes. They act like they're being nice, "letting" you choose, but if ANYTHING goes the least bit wrong, then they get to blame you for it. - "why did you pick this restaurant? The service is so slow!"

[@Jessica-zf2df]

Oh I can relate. As I entered the car park he starts ..."why didn't you go in that one"? "You've just missed the perfect place, you'll never find another". Well I'd spotted where I wanted to park and a vehicle was already backing out so I pulled up and waited. Then I performed a perfect manoeuvre into the space. He's sitting there smirking at me so I said "what"! His response "oh nothing, I just love to watch a blonde in action"!

[@anniegillespie7935]

I sent a friend one of your videos because we have a mutual friend who's a narcissist. He said you were a very excellent therapist and your statements confirm the feelings he had about the motivation for our friends actions. I have been narc free for over 7 years but your shows are still a good booster for me to stay on track. God bless.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for sharing! Hope both you and your friend find success moving forward! Dr. C

[@francesbernard2445]

In summary: It's more than just O.K. to be on the healthy side instead of becoming convinced we all need to be in martyrdom on our way to soul city.

[@pamconlin-casarez7254]

You have described my ex-husband perfectly. I divorced him because I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I am learning to be healthy and me again! Thank you for these videos!

[@LindaMalone12]

"Well, I don't remember" was his answer every time I brought up something hurtful that he'd said or done in the past. And usually follow up with "you have such a good memory, I just can't compete with that".

[@krembryle]

I don't remember that. You made it up. You exaggerate it. YOU misunderstood everything. That's not true. That didn't happen. This was what my grandma used to say to me when we argued while I lived with her. I figured what my mom's coping mechanism is. She has a short term memory for the bad. You could tell her horrible things and later apologize for it and she would be like, oh, you said that? I forgot about that... In my opinion, that's the only way she can love her mother till today. And the reason she can't leave a toxic relationship. I'm angry only thinking about my grandma. Like, how dares she. She is the one who is sick, yet I am the black sheep of my family.

[@janicebennett-allen9341]

This kind of passive aggression is mostly oral, but these narcs can be very diabolic in their actions of passive aggression.

[@tobascoheat6582]

(a) "Can't you take a joke?" (b) "You look nice ... today." He spent hundreds of $$$ every week on cigarettes, alcohol, and pot, but I got screamed at for spending $120 at Walmart for the week's groceries!!! Thank you so much Dr. Carter, for the wisdom and insights that I've gained from your videos like this. Because of you, my crazy, mixed up, incomprehensible life FINALLY is making sense!!! Thanks again, so much!!! You're a blessing!

[@deborahbulthe]

yes they are addicts

[@nightmareTomek]

If they're addicts, then they're sick.

[@tobascoheat6582]

@@nightmareTomek That's hardly a reason to excuse their behavior! If they're narcs they're sick. And if I've been abused by one then I'm sick! That's why I watch Dr. C!!

[@nightmareTomek]

@@tobascoheat6582 Good for you. But I'm not excusing their behavior. Thx for the daily wrong assumption.

[@tobascoheat6582]

@@nightmareTomek Oh, no! Thank you for the daily wrong implication. (Intentional or not.)

[@elizasmith5201]

I grew up with a father like this. My mother was older and it was hard to walk. She started fighting back. He did not like it. When I got married he started acting the same way. Also he was an alcoholic and abusive. I left to raise my kids alone. He still continued to bother me until I filed for divorce. Then he committed suicide because he could no longer play his games. He used the oldest one as a pawn till she graduated from high school. I am almost 70 and have seen many of these people. I can usually see it so I let them go. The most recent one was in 2019. It is a repairman that works for the landlord. He was going through a divorce. He did not want to face the changes it would be. He assumed since I have not been married for over 20 years I was lonely which is not true. The repairs took a few days. He played all the games and then some. It got him nowhere. I saw through him. Dr. You hit the nail right on the head. This was my family growing up. I walked away and I tell people I made myself a better person. These type of people will take anything and everything from you. Sometimes they do it just to do it. They don't want you to have what they don't have and maybe can't get. I think they never grew up. Narcissist are people who want everything but give nothing in return. You lose more with them around. Let them go.

[@Vashti0825]

I was phased out of a relationship and a "social circle" via the silent treatment. The icing on the cake was seeing pictures on FB of the her birthday party (which I was asked to coordinate and later phased out of that request without explanation) of which I was not invited. I went no-contact and never looked back. I didn't even understand narcissism at the time. thank you for all these videos.. learned a great deal about them and more importantly, myself.

[@shelley7975]

Good for you! I walked away from someone who played me for 30+ years. It was after the death of a long time friend that meant the world to me. I realized that it was about her, and it always had been. I didn't understand narcissism at the time, but I do now.

[@Dana-oi6bj]

I experienced something similar. I had four friends that I knew separately and I introduced them all to eachother. We would all hang out together each weekend after that. One weekend I was having trouble locating anyone and was texting/ calling them but no response. One of them felt bad about it and told me where they were. It finally came out that the last individual that I had introduced into my circle of friends, had invited everyone EXCEPT me to go out of town together for a football game....she literally was trying to swoop my friends out from under me!!! Needless to say, she is no longer a friend.

[@candy2325]

@@Dana-oi6bj this is exactly why I stopped mixing friends because this shit always happens.. narcissistic or not lol.

[@WorldOfARandomVegan]

@@candy2325 True

[@bellaw.8630]

Omg this happened to me. So glad I’m not in their life anymore

[@private755]

I find a lot of comfort in the fact that they will continue to be themselves their whole lives burning out connection after connection. The truth will out each time with each new person. I get to be me and embrace growth and move on. They’re stuck forever in their personal hell of their own making.

[@johnnycreighton29]

Good morning, everyone!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good morning! Dr. C

[@warriormom5843]

Good morning, Johnny and Dr. C! 😃😃

[@eph2vv89only1way]

Good morning

[@anothercampervanchannel]

'Stop being so sensitive. You've no sense of humour' 🙄. And the ignoring me when I went into his house, not looking up from his tab. And doing the same when I tried to talk to him about stuff. He then said I was being difficult! 😡

[@tracymullane8818]

Amazing I just went through this with a narcissist! "I wanted to, but..." Totally unreliable. Also the belittling humiliating "jokes," and backhanded compliments. And the anger issues when I brought things up. Just a really sick person.

[@jeffreyjewell75]

They do that because they actually hate themselves. Anyone that has to put others down to feel good already knows they are DOWN. Just smile at them and walk away.

[@suzanne4396]

He claims he has the right to " be or not be in a mood" is a daily thing. But God forbid I be in any type of mood.. I should always be positive, not tired and wanting to make him happy. Always.

[@amuddymoose]

Same.

[@demondogmom7221]

My biggest red flag is anyone who says, "I was only joking / kidding." My response is always "Don't give up your day job.. trust me, you aren't funny. "

[@makesnodifference]

I always point out how they are laughing alone :D

[@lifewithapurpose237]

yes sir, mine tends to say "people at work *think* I am funny " , i know what mine said made them *laugh* BUT in no way should be misinterpreted as *being funny* or even having a *sense of humor* 🤣😂😆 🥸

[@demondogmom7221]

@@lifewithapurpose237 - some people laugh when they're uncomfortable with something that was said... so the people at work may not actually find them "funny" either.

[@seckhoffable]

Oh man. "I was going to...but I changed my mind."

[@dearbelovedcheryl]

I saw two traits in this video that i do to my own husband. I am truly seeking to change this horrible pattern that i grew up in. I have been enduring this up until this day. I had such ignorance of narcissism, abuse and emotional trauma. So, i realize now that I need to learn to love myself so that i can love others. It's hard to recondition a mind that was conditioned. I finally found a therapist for the first time in my life and i am feeling freedom on the horizon. Better late than never. So sad.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Your best thinking happens after you've been burned psychologically. Take your efforts into a positive direction, Cheryl. You'll get there. Dr. C

[@billythepilot2156]

I just cut off a working relationship with a narcissist. When I told him I cannot work with him anymore because not only do I struggle to work with him but everyone else does too. he went on to explain to me all of my faults. I thanked him for his concern for my personal growth and it ended there. I am free.

[@bellaluce7088]

For some with ADHD, autism, brain injury, etc., difficulty perceiving and managing time is literally part of the disability. So in the same way we wouldn't assume someone in a wheelchair is "choosing" not to stand up, it is fair and kind to assume that people with a time disability are not "choosing" to be late.

[@FarseerAnimation]

In a way it's morbidly fascinating looking back on life when you never realized how toxic a parental relationship was until well into adulthood. Definitely healthy and certainly needed but nevertheless a bit nauseating.

[@kesmarn]

I know the feeling. You find yourself asking yourself: "Where were all these liberating insights 40 years ago?!" 😁

[@alonzomosley7]

I have been going through this in my late fifties ,it is morbidly fascinating , good description.You are angry yet feel like you have cracked a difficult nut.

[@alisondunning7116]

Yes me too. I was in my mid 50s before my lightbulb moment about my Dad. He’s such a classic covert narcissist.

[@lzcrazyzl6443]

Same with discovering the crap my mom has pulled for years. Wow the tricks parents play. They think they are so crafty. Its just stupid when you get older see and hear it and they think the same old is still going to work. Ha ha ha 😂 gawk!

[@shawni321]

A lot of reflection on having been raised by one. They divorced but he was one too. So one at a time. But neverending. The nausea is real. After a while I have to take my mind off them and go do something else. It is sickening.

[@phoenixrising8007]

When they get emotionally heated becoming an emotional dump truck ...unloading all their anger on you and then just drive away...

[@izawaniek2568]

Passive agressive people always win provided we participate in their games. Let us declare them king or queen of the hill and remove ourselves from their whereabouts. They like to be irrespondible and humiliate other people, Let us remove ourselves from their presence and sphere of influence and live our good meaningful lives with dignity, respect and civility far away from the toxicity of those individuals. Thank you dr Carter.

[@cog1140]

I was raised by narcissistic parents. Many recoveries from addiction later, I realized they are the source of the pain I medicated to escape.

[@obsidianbutterfly2857]

You’re not alone, awesome you sought treatment. Have you tried inner child work? It is so incredibly healing

[@franciecrist991]

I therapeutically say each day now.... Treat others and myself with dignity, respect and civility

[@annw.6460]

Thank you for sharing your phenomenal understanding and insights about narcissists with us, Dr. C!

[@marycruise9348]

I really dont care that they think something is alright after being told it is not; they can save their excuses for someone else.

[@janblackman6204]

Living with my husband makes me feel like a narcissist. He has ADD and refuses to acknowledge it or get treatment. He’s Mensa and never fails to let people know in a subtle way. We’ve been married 35 years and if I finally prove I’m right about something his reply is You Might Be Right. Drivers me nuts. He can’t get facts straight. I mean not ever. If I try to tell the story as it really happened I feel like the bad guy. Just venting

[@brettneuberger6466]

So interesting, Jan. I can tell you’re not a narcissist. I was diagnosed with ADHD later in life after my son was and it provided so many answers to previous frustrations and let downs. I immediately got treatment and learned as much as possible to grasp an understanding, but my now ex, (24 yrs married) refused to show interest or even acknowledge the difficulties unless they directly affected her. She didn’t want to let me off the hook for anything no matter how hard the struggle. Your situation sounds equally frustrating but in the reverse. Good luck!

[@merillwalter8698]

My estranged husband was told decades ago that he highly likely had ASD after our son was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. His ego wouldn't allow him to accept this. Then as time went on his depression and anger became a problem & he became abusive. He saw a specialist for his depression & was diagnosed with ASD and Narcissistic Traits (may have NPD but needed to continue to seek treatment to find out. He refused.) Due to his narcissistic behaviour, he couldn't accept this. Blamed his behaviour on everything/one but himself. Took no responsibility for his actions.There's no hope when someone is that far down on the narcissistic spectrum. I can relate to the frustration you must be feeling when a partner refuses to seek medical help. It affects the whole family and nothing gets resolved. Please don't blame yourself. People have to advocate for themselves & take responsibility in seeking medical help or treatment.

[@janblackman6204]

@@merillwalter8698 I even sent him to the dr and he told the dr he didn’t remember why I sent him. The dr told him to go home and get a note from me and bring it back. Then the dr said it would be on his permanent record if he sent him for testing and could hurt his chances of jobs. I could never leave him alone with our son when he was little because of the stupid things he would do. After our son got a little older he would tell his father he better check with mom before they did something. I just mostly stay away from him now that all the kids are grown. He just loves to spout science facts all the time but one time I caught him out and just told him that was bull shit. Only time he actually looked sheepish.

[@peacefaith560]

you will always be the bad guy with the narc...they never change

[@barbaradejaynes7612]

Thank you for being a role model for dignity and civility and respect Dr. Carter I'm so grateful for you and the peace that you bring us all. I pray I connect with more people like you in my life.

[@annking8633]

Ah yes, passive aggressiveness. Defines my last boss. This should be enlightening and satisfying. Thank you for addressing this facet Dr C.

[@gregh2322]

In business and with bosses you find that a lot. People always trying to belittle and control you in hopes that you will devalue yourself.

[@cbholmes4739]

"Do you remember the time when you....." Boy if I had a nickel! So had not to ignore that, wish I was better at being a grey rock!!

[@nightmareTomek]

6:40 "Poof you don't exist." I don't understand how anyone can put out with a behavior like this. When my girlfriend were doing that early on and go just a little bit too far, we would break up in a matter of milliseconds. How can anyone be this disrespectful is still astounding to me.

[@alsolark3029]

They don’t do it till after they suck you in with the love bombing. They’re not stupid.

[@annmurray2832]

Heard our pastor preaching to subjects the ex narrcisst was accusing me with on emails!That was eyeopening for me,convinceing the pastor I was being disobedient to God for not getting back with him.Narrcissts have long arms and are not afraid to use them.!Will not be back at church ,sigh.But freedom comes with a price that I'm willing to pay.Some things have to fall away.

[@notgivingthisout6977]

The covert I dealt with (and his cadre) favored being passive aggressive - it more readily allowed him to preserve his notion of himself as a "good guy" if he didn't have to vocalize his double standards/ridiculous demands. He/They normalized being passive aggressive - I think that was what he understood "communication" to be, now that I think of it.

[@krejados1]

Same with my daughter in law.

[@notgivingthisout6977]

@@krejados1 Sorry to hear it. I hope you're able to keep peace while dealing with it - I know it isn't easy to do.

[@amuddymoose]

Same

[@notright6092]

The sound of your voice is so soothing that even your dog is safely and happily asleep behind you.

[@dnwitte]

This was a breathtakingly accurate description of a thirty-year "friendship' I was trapped in. I wish we'd had KZbin shrinks in 1982---woulda saved me a mess of grief and some really deep scars.

[@KB16621]

Gus is so cute sleeping in the background!

[@angelafrench8005]

My stomach doesn't hurt nearly as much now that I've moved 1000 miles away.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Funny how that works!

[@cmdm3788]

As an emotional, therapeutic exercise for myself, I’m going to write a letter to my mother (who is deceased), and to my older brother and my younger brother, who are all narcissists and have caused so much turmoil in my family. Dr C I’m going to address each of your comments in my letter and enjoy saying the things I never had the courage to say. Say the things I knew they’d never be willing to hear or believe about our relationship. I have all these thoughts pent up inside and I want to express them. These letters are just for my eyes. They’re just for my sanity. They’re just for my own satisfaction. And I already know this is going to feel really great. I’m feeling better just thinking about it!!! Dr C, you have put into words and clarified the things I have struggled for so long to understand. You really are my hero. I know that sounds SUPER corny, but I’ve been listening for about two years now and you are absolutely amazing to those of us who have dealt with all the abuse. You have been more like a brother to me (than my own brothers) though your kindness, encouragement, and motivating me to be on team healthy. I’m a team player!!! ❤️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased! Thanks for the good vibes. Dr. C

[@howlingwaters2741]

Courageous endeavor. I want to do that too, then rip it in to pieces and place them in a bonfire of my own decision to forgive. Got to write the letters first!🙂📝

[@69LOLIN]

@@howlingwaters2741 Good idea! never send them!

[@sandrasiecgrist9233]

@@SurvivingNarcissism I could really use some help! My dad is an enormous narcissist. How do you deal with a narcissist parent who is emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive to the other parent? Can we contact you for help?

[@dutch__mermaid602]

My ex ( and now employer too sadly, trying to leave) was always bashing his baby mother, she cheated, she had a double agenda, lies, she was passive aggresive.....while HE was it all the time, doing the EXACT thing to me while playing the victim. I have a degree in psychology but didn't saw this one coming.

[@indraSilentMoonImaginarium]

This is gold and exactly what I have been going through this week. Number 1 hit the nail on the head - never take their promises seriously. They change like the wind - thank you

[@kristinb5121]

This is so true! My narcissist friend would vow to help me out, typically basking in the glory of the offer. If I took her up on the offer, invariably it would fall through. She forgot or “are you sure that was today?”. If I made a stink, since I’d arranged everything, I was too critical. She basically taught me not to ask her for anything, while she felt free to ask me as much as she liked. I was always there for her. Later, she would tell everyone how much she helped me out, not remembering the cancellations or all the times I was there for her. I called it quits with her friendship a few years ago. Best thing I could have done, but I’m still learning from the experience as well as ex-boyfriends. Word to the wise, if you have someone in your life who’s always trying to put labels on your relationship (best friends, BFF, committed) before you’re ready, don’t let them! Just say, I’m not ready for that. I’ve gone along too many times and once labeled tried to live up to that while they promptly forgot.

[@lucibloom5966]

I was just Unfriended by a woman who sounds like your mate. She would make plans with me and cancel EVERY TIME! When I finally just expressed that it wasn’t ok and how I felt in a non attacking way she told me to not contact her again and twisted my words around to make me into the rude one (which I saw right through as deflecting so she didn’t have to look too closely at her own rudeness!) I called her on that and also lying to me about a mutual friend whom she was seeing and made him out to be the crazy psycho…which I now realise was her all along. She treated me like I was the toxic crazy one and thinks she’s super healthy 😂 I blocked her after she contacted me via another message box (after telling me to not contact her again of course) and so many realisations have been coming to me since then. She also made a point of saying she would support me through an extremely hard and heavy situation then withdrew the support and dropped me like a hot potato! A day later I felt like I didn’t exist!

[@kevindenogla783]

Thanks for sharing this one. I made the decision to separate from my wife of 25 years after she kept accusing me of things I knew were just not true about me as a person and she would turn nasty, especially when she was drunk. One of the things she accused me of was being a narcissist, which I had to google because I didn’t know if I was. Then I found your KZbin channel which has helped me understand that it is my wife that’s the narcissist. For the last few weeks I’ve been doubting myself with regards to my decision to separate, I keep feeling like I’m the person who has been bad to her and treated her wrong and I needed to be a better person. I keep coming back to watch your videos and this one in particular has helped me understand what happened in our relationship. Thank you.

[@alloymineral485]

They are one of those who call you hero when things turned around, but when things turned upside down, you are labeled as a criminal or a useless person.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So very true.

[@lisamuir2091]

I have at least one, if not a gazillion situations for each example that you shared that happened to me over 30+ years. Finally no contact for over a month…and divorced for a year.

[@notagain779]

If you are a somewhat "high maintenance" friend, (but within reason, and also demonstrate that you are willing to do the same for them) you will be able to avoid narcissists before they become too enmeshed and parasitic with you.

[@2thedivine944]

The response You’re not a Safe person. Perfect says All

[@domuniqueheiser4248]

As a young man trying to get out of a situation I respect the way you speak about the topic you refrain from belittling them or teaching people two this is truly helpful information.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you, and keep learning! Glad to be on the path with you.

[@cymbolichuman433]

Today is "All Saint"s Day" the day of purity after the demons were driven out. If only we could scare the demons out of some of these people! Life would be good!

[@lifewithapurpose237]

cymbolic: do you think we can even 🙏 those de mons out ? how could we scare them out...

[@mendy5453]

You must have the Holy Ghost and then by prayer and fasting you can cast them out. Find you an Apostolic Pentecostal church.

[@reneeandchrisforever]

Once again Dr. Carter seems to have a window into my life. I’ve got goosebumps hearing him so accurately describe my spouse. It’s so satisfying to have validation yet so sad to realize the trap I’m in.

[@TheTRbandit]

I don't know your circumstances but I do find it to be a terrible thing if you feel you are in a trap. A narc will never change. I can only say, pray for courage, reach out for help, and find a way to get out eventually. Basically make a plan. It doesn't have to be implemented straight away, but don't waste your life away on someone who will never appreciate or truly love you. If you're staying for the kids, I can only say, read the comments left here by those raised by narcs and it really would have been better if they had not been raised by one. You're stronger than you think. Don't buy into the lies and recognise them for what they are. Blessings.

[@octopusballoons]

Omg my ex's favorite game was "I can but you can't." If I told him I felt like my needs weren't being met, he would turn around and say he was just too busy and actually, I'M the one that wasn't meeting HIS needs. It's almost been an entire year since I broke up with him and he STILL tries to suck me back in, but I've remained strong and refuse to let him use me as supply ever again

[@uweclaunitzer7170]

You know what's the best thing about this particular video (Apart from your useful advice)? The peacefully napping dog in the background!

[@candybradford6468]

“You did a good job. I may not agree with everything you did or said, but you did a good job.” 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

The old back-handed compliment routine. Ugh. Dr. C

[@bronwyntanner4501]

OH wow - that word - evasive. Yes yes yes - I was married to that for 14 years. Continually confused. Until I made a study of this dreadful narcissism and divorced and left

[@beegee5305]

OMG when you said the part where the Narc says "I CHANGED MY MIND" my mouth dropped open bc I had forgotten that Ex BF Narc did that all the time!

[@classy4ever63]

So frustrating because I came to the realization that my spouse has very very strong narcissistic traits, I also discovered my spouse's mother does too. I am now seeking therapy because I just can't deal with it anymore.

[@nataliehelmig920]

Certain people in my family have been giving me the silent treatment for several months now. If my dad (a decent insightful person and family peacekeeper) was still alive today, he would hate what’s going on with us and I don’t even know what the reason is for the silent treatment anymore. Maybe because I argued back to defend myself too many times instead of continuing to be walked all over? Birthday and festive family gatherings are not so festive anymore. I now dread the uncomfortable atmosphere but we gather for my mum who is getting older and isn’t very well. We need to make new nice memories with her.

[@jeanetteshawredden5643]

Yep. If you stand up for yourself, defend yourself, call them out on their rude tacky behavior - 😁 that is a no no and DEFINATELY worthy of punishing you with cold silent treatment. Being independent turns you from the scape goat 🐐 to the escaped goat - they won't like that at all!

[@jessicayoung6208]

Mine did all these but boy did he love the game of I can but you can’t. That was his favorite!

[@rppope1006]

Had narcs try to control me for over 20 years. In fact, I'm the guy who made sure to put them in their place. If you've ever wondered why there I so many narc channels now, it was started because of me. Your welcome. Take care and God bless you guys

[@erynd2524]

Pictures and videos are worth a thousand words. Move in silence and hit record. Then watch.

[@stark.edwards2068]

I'm all too aware of everything you're speaking of. You're telling the absolute truth 💯!

[@Jessica-zf2df]

Great content as usual Dr C. I always feel like you must know my ex personally! No 5 'poof you don't exist' reminds me of the time I was tearfully pleading my case over the way his behaviour was hurting me and he stared at me with no emotion and said "you are having a whole conversation with yourself". He repeated that again emphasizing the words slowly. Thank you so much for these videos and I hope you know how much you are helping people. The hurt and damage these narcissists do with their words is unbelievable. I'm free now (17 months no contact) but still get anxiety attacks when I think about all the horrible things he said and the way it made me feel.

[@krystalMtn]

Yep. Lived with all those at one time or another. Never let any of it fly with me and eventually just ignored him.

[@KiKiQuiQuiKiKi]

I appreciate that you use the term “disregulated.” That goes over a lot better than “crazy.”🤫

[@QuantumSorceress]

I'm always late to everything and I don't do it to be rude or because I do not care about anyone else's time. But I have ADHD and ASD--two disorders which pretty much destroy your executive functioning skills. Mine are pretty much in the toilet. So, I am pretty much time blind which means I am completely unaware of "time" in the way most people are. I can become easily distracted and hyper focus on something. When this happens, I can do the same thing for hours and hours. My poor executive functioning skills also make it very difficult for me to change or switch tasks. I think this is primarily caused by my autism. I must see tasks to a certain level of completion and my brain refuses to let me move on. This isn't a behavioral type of thing. This is how my brain is wired. It may be perseverance, something that autistic people and some people with brain injuries struggle with. My brain has a tendency to get STUCK and I CANNOT move on until my brain will allow it. So, if I am going to meet someone and try to be on time, regardless of how much time I try to give myself (I give myself 2-hours but I'm still late), my time blindness interferes with my plans. I overestimated how much time something is going to take me or I underestimate how much time something is going to take me. This includes the getting to the destination. Maybe I've only taken into account how much time it'll take to get there, but I do not add extra time for instances such as: A. needing to get gas, B. getting lost, etc. And so I know everyone is thinking well, just add in extra time and you'll stop being late. That's not true either. I can easily become engrossed in something and I could think that I am maybe checking the weather for 10-minutes, but 20-minutes have passed on by. I set alarms or timers, but due to my poor short term memory (due to poor executive functioning skills), I can easily forget to set them. Or I'll think that I've set them, but I am really remembering doing something similar a few weeks ago. Or I am finally leaving and cannot find my keys anywhere. My ADHD causes me to often misplace things (I've placed my keys in weird places like the freezer, bathroom cabinet, etc.). I can easily lose things because I may have something in my hand and kinda go on autopilot and put it somewhere without being aware of it. Or I've moved it somewhere else because I keep losing them, hoping that I'll find them quicker, but I cannot remember where the new spot is! My autism also gives me weird light sensory issues. One of them is that light or my vision is sometimes distorted. So, I could be looking for the item and it is lying there, but I do not see it. And when I finally get there, most people are unbothered but there have been times when people have gotten really angry at me--like my narcissistic ex. Friends and family know I am always late. They know it's not done intentionally, it's just my brain gives me a lot of issues with doing things sometimes. My ex knew about my ADHD and autism, but was the only person that was furious with me and refused to understand. When I'm running late, I'm not just casually walking around. I'm freaking out, having a panic attack and almost in tears because it really frustrates me because I would like to be on time, but can't seem to master this skill. So, please be kind to some people that are always late. It is not always about you--meaning, they're not late because they do not care about you, because they want to hurt your feelings, etc. Some of them may be late like me, because we have some disorders that effects our brain's ability to function normally. Just keep that in mind.

[@vyzardojaggerjack6387]

This is spot on: the you are not flexible, you are controlling, rules for the not for me, controlling communication, going silent, etc. I first thought she was a fearful avoidant but she’s much more.

[@gig1200]

Thanks to eternity Dr. Carter. I saw myself in many of these situations trying to be lovely and caring…I was so confused at these moments, now everything is so clear. I was dealing with a monster. Now I‘m a different women more powerful. Thanks again 🙏🏻

[@whatwhale5888]

I love the dog just blissfully sleeping in the background (and the video content lol)

[@lynnehaeberle5641]

Wow! I sure wish that I could be as relaxed in my life as Gus seems to be back there!!! 😂

[@edithali1263]

My parents are pastors, but have chosen tomen as the scapegoat. When my husband and u decided we needed to leave thier church, they also decided to disown us a whole family. Meaning my siblings, along w the whole church, were no longer allowed to have anything to do w us afterwards. It has felt like I’ve mourned all these people in our lives. Terrible.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

My heart goes out to you. There is quite a bit of pathology in religious circles (nothing new there). I hope you can find a more freeing way of finding God and purpose. Do a YT search for my video, What Does It Mean To Be Spiritual. Also, check out my video, A New Way Of Defining Narcissism. I suspect they will each resonate. Dr. C

[@waterbaby7834]

There's a game that I know of. It's called... The hurry up and wait game. A narcissist plays it by making unreasonsble time demands on you, or other people in the household. Usually, it happens when you are busy doing something they know is enjoyable to you or for yourself. Suddenly, out of the blue, they create a crisis that demands your immediate attention. The more they can pull your strings and get you to dance on a hot skillet, the more satisfaction they glean. They expect you to stand at attention, and drop what you are doing, in an instant. So you rush around, all in a fluster, hustling to make the deadline. Then, when the NP has your full attention, they take their sweet time. You'll be all dressed up, have dinner ready, or drop everything to go pick them up/drop them off, etc... Time stops for them and what they are doing. It's their job to inconvenience you and make you wait... And wait... It's like they are stuck in a barrel of molasses. Usually, if you're going somewhere, their waiting game involves sabotage, by making you late. They take forever to finally just get out the door. They'll even get your hopes up by getting in the car, but find a million little reasons to go back into the house. A good delay is powerful for them. When the NP deliberately controls the timeline, it lets you know that they are in control. You are at their liege/mercy/whim. Sometimes, the NP makes you so late, that you miss an important event or deadline. Or the NP will completely change their mind and decide not to go after all, thus having the ultimate upper hand. Or they'll find a reason to turn the car around and go home. (Usually by setting you up for a no win situation/blame game). All dressed up, and nowhere to go. They'll hang you out to dry and if you complain? It's you that is being pushy, demanding, unreasonable, nagging, and cranky. This gives them the opportunity to become the victim and claim that they "can never please you." So why should they even try to do something nice to "surprise you" with a thoughtful gesture? It will be a long time before they get over licking their wounds enough to meet any of your needs. If you try to go without them, be prepared for some heavy duty guilt, ambushing, and paybacks. In the NP view, it's their job to break you down. To lower your expectations. To beg for any scraps that they throw your way. The NP wants to leave you emotionally starved. They want you to be as pliable as silly putty, in their hands. Don't rock the boat. Don't have expectations. Be available and at their disposal. You better be extra nice, or you won't get their help/cooperation with handling anything that requires effort on their part. If you're not careful, they'll throw as many stumbling blocks in your path as they can, to teach you a lesson, to not cross them again. They perceive themselves as the sweet, sacrificial lamb. And... You just became the big bad wolf. Maddening for you. Pure entertainnent, and extremely rewarding, for them.

[@obsidianbutterfly2857]

Oof painfully true. I’ve never seen the hurry up and wait game so eloquently described. ❤️ to you for being subjected to that, and fuck whoever did that to you

[@pamchesler242]

The only time my ex narcissist verbally attacks me is either through texting or if we are in an enclosed environment where I cannot escape (the car)…now that I am aware of this, I can use both these strategies and also do what I can to avoid being in this environment..when he texts his angry words I don’t respond at all and I delete the conversation..it works every time…he is more frightened of me now that there’s no ammunition but he knows I am on to him and I have set boundaries each and every time…it diffuses the situation and keeps him at bay and nothing escalates from there…I am really working on not feeling anxiety as that is my immediate response to his harsh words.. I feel like I’m in danger or unsafe..knowing this and saying “I release you” as Dr Carter recommends gives me back my sense of control and power…this will take practice and implementation over and over but it DOES work! So sad that there are even people like this…I understand why but it still blows my mind as I am the polar opposite…

[@SurlyMiss]

It’s absolutely incredible how accurate everything you say is. It feels like you personally know my Narc and are talking about him specifically. It truly blows my mind.

[@sarasol4677]

I love your dog!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I do too! Thanks! Dr. C