7 Signs You Are in the CRASH State of the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style | HealingFa.com

[@fiction589]

Maybe the crash stage and the healing stage are not really two different stages but more intertwined. Working your way out of the crash state is doing the healing work. Healing is sooooo messy 😂 everyone just remember this, whenever you feel low. It is messy for everybody, you are doing everything right probably !❤

[@Minoutaurus]

For me, what you call the crash state has always felt to me like being a scared kid alone in the dark. You feel besieged by the night, the nightmares and horrors that crawl within. You're not scared of something in particular, but rather by that fuzzy, indistinct, feeling of being oppressed and threatened. It made a huge difference to me when I finally understood that I had the feeling of being in danger first, and that only then my brain was finding reasons, blaming people and thinking that they're the source if that feeling. But nope, it all starts inside and the rest is projection. Edit : typo.

[@Mississippian]

Very eloquently spoken when you say "Obsessing is a gift when it is fueled not by fear but by purpose".

[@bryceoleski5680]

This video really opened my eyes. I was in a wonderful relationship with a woman who I believe was an FA. She had sent me a link to the engagement ring wanted, then 5 days later she discarded me and slept with our friend (ex friend). Since the breakup, I had determined that her fears were likely triggered, but I could never pinpoint when or why the triggering occurred. This video clued me in. Two weeks before the discard we had gone on a camping trip where it was cold at night. She had woken up in the middle of the night and was freezing cold because had felt claustrophobic when her sleeping bag was zipped, so she left it open. Instead of waking me to find a solution to warm her up, she had a breakdown in her sleeping bag and cried until she fell back to sleep. She told me about it the next day and I couldn't understand why she didn't just wake me up to fix the problem. Looking back, I think that night was the trigger, because she did not feel safe. In retrospect I noticed small changes in behavior which followed that night, resentment build until she discarded.

[@naomipaul2048]

I can relate to this at the moment. My body dysregulated and can't perceive what is an actual vs. non real threat. I have been connecting with more people, and connecting more deeply. And relatedly, the triggers come up and it's overwhelming. Thanks for sharing here, I feel the empathy from a distance.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Sending lots of love your way❤

[@fiction589]

It seems to me like the crash state IS healing. We all wait for healing and feeling healed finally,and cannot wait until the horrible crash state is finally over. But actually, we should embrace it, as this seems like it is the healing process. The old injury to the emotional system in the brain cannot heal in a pretty way, it comes out as feeli g shitty and showing shitty behaviour. Basically like a second teenage time, because the brain needs time to develop. Super interesting. Thanks Paulien !!

[@MindGymMeditations]

Nervous system work and somatic excercises helped me alot

[@Melow55]

I'm in the crash state right now. I'm feeling overwhelmed and I get this feeling of everyone hating me and I have no one. Yesterday I went on a date with my crush and I told him that it's a goodbye so many times, but I really liked him but was scared to be rejected or hurt later that I pushed him away and when he tried to talk about it I got triggered and started saying mean stuffs and we are done. I don't know how I'm feeling now but I wanted him .

[@girlpacific]

Oh wow, I'm sorry that must feel horrible/ What stops you from talking to him, about your feelings or apologizing, once you're feeling calmer?

[@whiggygirl]

I've just been through all this with a DA. He triggered me so much and it sent me in a complete panic and tailspin, and I didn't even recognise myself. I don't think he did it on purpose, but he should never have got involved with me, because he was 3 months out of a 23 year rship (he didn't tell me this until I had already caught feelings) and it completely triggered my core wound of abandonment 😢 I miss him so very much and will probably always wonder 'what if?', but I know now that he was bringing out the worst in me, and with how he is as a DA, it would probably never have worked. I do wish we'd met at a different time though. Things may have been different. But I guess I learnt a hell of alot from the short time we were 'together

[@1234bcadlog]

can this apply before we get into a relationship? i am unable to decide whether to go into a relationship because these signs are too overwhelming for me

[@henryzhao4622]

What signs triggered you? I know its common for FAs to freak out suddenly when a real relationship becomes a possibility

[@irenenjeri8720]

The best thing during this state is to be quiet and stay away from your partner especially when they understand you are an avoidant, saying mean things to.get attention will make matters worse for both of you.

[@heatherariza8463]

If your partner is anxious preoccupied this triggers them

[@utubeuser7314]

I just realised I was in crash state a few weeks ago but at the time I thought it was a freeze response. I couldn't get out of bed, just woke up from a nightmare full of flashbacks. My heart was beating so fast and I was anxious about everything all of a sudden. I literally had to take deep breaths, stand up, drink water, take a walk and I got late to work that day but it started me on a new journey.

[@jellyrcw12]

Emotional flashbacks are so scary. I feel trapped in my childhood a lot. My mom was a hoarder and I just felt so suffocated by everything.

[@jessicab331]

Am I the only FA that isn’t one because of my upbringing?! I’m traumatized from past relationships 😩.

[@gregglind]

You aren't the only one! Our survival strategies developed and worked in the situations where they were needed.

[@zaram131]

Same here!

[@cspace1234nz]

you're dreaming

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

Yeah, I'm there. Edit: Thankyou for making these videos ❤

[@fuzzybear56789]

I and my bf are both FAs and when we started our relationship it just fell like a warzone. I saw a side of me i had never seen in my lifetime. I was so dysregulated that i had no idea why i was acting that way. Its been 3-4 months since ive started healing and i feel way less triggers. Cant explain the importance of placing boundaries. Thanks Pauline ive never resonated with any other FA than you .

[@maria.788]

This is very interesting, thank you so much for this video! I’m in a long-distance relationship and whenever my partner is at my place for some days or a week, I’m in full crash-mode almost all the time. I can’t sleep, everything he does irritates me, I get flashbacks from my previous relationship, I start to think he’s not good enough for me, I start nagging about everything, I go quiet and don’t feel like talking. It’s like all the sides that I don’t like about myself surface. I’m so anxious and triggered all the time. He’s very loving and understanding, and it makes me think I’m just a bad person. In the end, I’m afraid I will just hurt him and that’s why I’ve been thinking about ending the relationship. But perhaps this is a task from the universe for me to heal myself in a safe relationship, who knows 😊

[@Stegosarioth]

I did exactly that, I broke up because of a constant fear and axiety and I will never know if she was or not the one but I was done making both of us miserable. Hold tight, I am sure it will get better :)

[@rachaelrome]

Whoa! I just went through this - I'm an FA, and also in a long distance. I reacted the same way last weekend (when he visited) and couldn't sleep, triggered, and flashbacks. I thought i was the only one 🥺 also my body was sooo tired after he left, because my nervous system was wacked out the whole time.

[@maria.788]

I’m sure feel exhausted - it’s quite a rollercoaster ride! All the love to you❤️ I found some help after I realized I have ROCD. If you’re in a healthy relationship, don’t give up!

[@funky1419]

if you still love him, don't end things because you have these triggers, give them a long long hug . what you have been doing commonly called flaw finding. you are protecting your negative emotions on them. write down all the things you like and love about them. read it multiple times a day. at some point you need to open up your heart to them. love is a beautiful thing when you let it be.

[@taequility3655]

I'm in crash state every time I have PMS. It's extremely tiring

[@Ideaindex3008]

PMDD i suffer from the same

[@daniP4728]

I do too....I have HUGE emotional issues

[@reganfink2578]

Same here​@@Ideaindex3008

[@katwalkerhextall]

I am currently in the crash state, exacerbated by antidepressant withdrawal. It's hell, but watching this really helped. Thank you Paulien.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I am sorry you are go through this. Happy to hear my video's are helping. Sending you lots of love❤

[@sk_lxr2920]

I've been in this state for the past couple of days, my mind is in an almost complete shutdown (I could barely watch this video without taking like five breaks) and my body is either heavy and drowsy (just wanting to sleep all the time) or ready to start running at any moment. I found out I'm fearful avoidant not too long ago and I really want to heal that. I have a partner with anxious attachment and it's been really difficult because I force myself not to distance myself the way I always did before for her sake, but it ended up sending me into this shutdown, as I call it (which, to be fair with her, she doesn't know I'm an FA, nor did I until about a week ago). your channel and the bits of information I've gotten from it that I've been able to drill into my still terrified brain have been so helpful. your voice is very calming too, which helps my fight or flight response a bit. this ended up being a complete ramble, but I just wanted to say thank you. I'll definitely be coming here along the journey to getting better. I hope you're doing well. :))

[@triplejmom7826]

Thank you for your videos. They’re very helpful. I recently subscribed.

[@pritishshokeen1999]

All the signs resonated with me!

[@alanmitchell64]

Yes, been there, done that! I call it a white out state. For me, my logical brain functions as normal and outwardly I seem normal, but inside is absolute turmoil. Because of the constant hyper vigilance I get incredibly tired and often have to go to bed for hours and isolate myself. Because I’m erratic, hot and cold most of the time, family and friends normally just let me be in this state. However, people who don’t understand this attachment style often come to the conclusion I’m totally unstable, which is so far from the truth. Just gone through a massive crash which lasted over a month.

[@pisztania]

Dear Paulien, is it possible that at the beginning of forming the relation, person who went into crash mode come back and try to make it work further on... Or there is bigger possibility that thay will accept that this is not for them and move on to someone new couse it is easier to forget than to solve the problem?

[@trinoochoa-l6j]

Same here. They crashed out before the first date 😂

[@Tam438]

I answer yes to all of these, but as an anxious preoccupied type...I think there is a lot of overlap between FAs and APS

[@kagame6524]

Exactly, as an AP, I’m just now realizing how emotionally unavailable I was just like FAs

[@jeannievail]

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and useful techniques. I have forwarded your EFT tapping video to the man I love. He recently said he's been in therapy for a couple of months so, I'm feeling more hopeful but it's very difficult when he's 2K miles away, isolated from family and friends, feeling abandoned by his own mother and adult children. He finally admitted he sabotaged our plans for me to move in with him because he's terrified I will abandon him like literally everyone else he has ever loved. I'm really hoping he will go through your program but we'll see...

[@mercyveritas1125]

Do u think these people are worth the effort? They very often hurt or abandon others first due to their intense fear. It's a form of delusion on their end, and the relationship has to be on their own terms

[@jeannievail]

@@mercyveritas1125 if by, "these people," you mean my best friend of nine years, the man who moved mountains to get me a higher salary, and nominated me for nurse of the year, then moved more mountains to open four micro hospitals, just to get me a better job, then moved more mountains to recruit all of my favorite colleagues to work with me, for more money with less stress? The man who has always held me in the highest regard and put me on a pedestal? Who sees me as his favorite person, and, "the best, most understanding and trustworthy person," who has ever come into his life? The man who never felt truly loved or respected until I came along? The man who never got hugs as a child unless he visited his grandparents for Christmas? The man who would do anything for me and has never said a cruel word to me or anyone else in the nine years I have known him? The man who worked two jobs including 27 years of military service to protect our freedom and provide a beautiful life for his children and kept his ex wife neck deep in designer handbags for 21 years? The man I love almost more than life? The man who has been in therapy for more than a year trying to overcome the fears that caused him to sabotage our plans to build a new life together because he's terrified of losing me to a failed relationship and doesn't feel like he's man enough to give me everything I deserve? Yes, I do think he's worth my patience and understanding.

[@sharonjumba4648]

Thank you for sharing this, it has helped me put things into perspective.

[@thehappiness2741]

Thank you lovely paulien for those valuable videos but i have a question what shall i do if this crash state come into work place ?

[@jellyrcw12]

Just looking at the chapters of this video, I relate to this video so much. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. It truly helps so much knowing I'm not alone

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I am so happy to hear that. Thank you for being here!

[@sasb3675]

I ruined it with an amazing guy because I stupidly still went on our planned date when I was a crash state instead of rescheduling for another time, he thought I hated him and had lost interest because I was so cold, distant, mean compared to the week before where I was affectionate loving etc, he was probably so hurt and had his own fear of rejection and ended up breaking it off 😢

[@umutkara739]

I think it's not his own fear of rejection. When there is someone "so cold, distant and mean" everybody may leave.

[@sasb3675]

@@umutkara739 yes, that’s true. I guess I’ve been trying to rationalise it for myself and that was one way but you’re right, people don’t want to stay in a situation that feel unwelcome/unwanted in. I wish I had apologised right after instead of avoiding the topic.

[@umutkara739]

@@sasb3675 Maybe it's not too late to apologise. And maybe it's never too late to apologise. And maybe if you tell him the truth he understand you. When they know the problem isn't about themselves everything change. If he thinks "the problem was him for you" he would tend to move away. Good luck.

[@ryanvandy1615]

I’m going through the exact same thing with the girl I’ve been seeing.

[@sasb3675]

@@ryanvandy1615 you mean you had shut down? Did you have a chance to explain?

[@McNaryMusic]

Thank you so much for your videos Paulien! They have been helping me a ton through a really rough several months. I felt like i was somehow fundamentally flawed, and had no idea what was happening in my mind and body before realizing I had FA tendencies. Your videos are explaining so much to me and letting me know that I'm not alone : )

[@CupcakeChan2611]

I know I'm a bit late to this video but i wanted to ask how do you discern between sometbing happening from the past and from the present when it comes to emotional flashbacks?

[@maggierose2183]

Personally when I have an emotional flashback there's either no apparent reason that I'm having one, or I start to put together little details of someones behavior that aren't related to try and explain why I'm having one. Whereas when something happens in the present I'm fine, something happens and then I get upset after, instead of trying to find a reason for feeling upset

[@CupcakeChan2611]

@maggierose2183 thank you so much

[@maggierose2183]

@@CupcakeChan2611 no problem

[@SacredFox]

You videos have been beautifully helpful! I really appreciate your content! I’m curious, do you ever find that when you were in those crashes states that you would feel yourself nagging or getting frustrated but sort of feel helpless to stop it? Like doing so would cause extreme unease until you’d finally give in and say it?

[@Stegosarioth]

Can you be in a crush state even when not in a relationship?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Yes absolutely! Things in a relationship can trigger a crash state, but there are many more triggers. Feeling dumb and incapable, feeling not good enough, feeling like you are failing. There's more in this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/iJvNZq1vbdOUf5o

[@Stegosarioth]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you, it is nice to receive an answer straight from you. I am on your course and I am slowly but steady doing it. Thank you again

[@alisjarutz1821]

Thank you for the Video! How do you tap on triggers?

[@joygibbons5482]

I’m in this in any romantic relationship pretty much continuously unless I’m pretty avoidant. I now refuse to get involved with anyone on principle and will remain single for life. However, I’m pretty much secure with extended family and friends so life is good.

[@janicebegley4192]

How long does a crash state last?? Months?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

It can last anywhere from a few seconds to weeks. It could be months, but it's more likely that you are then triggered, get into the crash state, and before you can recover from the crash state you are triggered again. Which makes it feel like you are in a crash state constantly. Does that make sense?

[@Wheepey]

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Would you be able to make a video on that situation of being in a long term crash state and what you can do about it?

[@veral2274]

I'm full of empathy for FAs but as the partner of one who's been in crash mode for 6 weeks now, I can only say - God help us.

[@helenyuen9470]

FA is that an narcissistic abuse instead. Having FA doesn't mean they can abuse the counter part

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

No it definitely doesn't mean that they can abuse their partner. It is in no way a free pass or an excuse. Everybody that's here, watching these video's, is trying to understand themselves better and take responsibility.

[@cspace1234nz]

My partner went into a state like this, call it what you will. It was the first time in what had been a very beautiful 3 month start to a relationship. Not so much as a cross word but knowing what I know now, probably just too good and too nice for such a one. Anyway, she 'crashed' or whatever and I dumped her, problem solved, she got to experience the full consequences of her unwillingness to take personal responsibility and blame everyone else all her life. I have zero tolerance for emotionally stunted people who refuse to 'do the work' like the rest of us, I don't care what the imagined reason is. Avoid avoidants at all costs, unless you are addicted to struggle and sufferin, in which case they are perfect.

[@stephanrocksyou]

@cspace1234nz went through 3 years of this craziness. Tried to help her, but she was going to a therapist for talk therapy. Waste of time. It’s funny how I’ve found out the problem and she chose not to do the work and research things. Tried to leave many times but she kept coming back.

[@Pielobyte]

Isn’t that just emotional dysregulation?

[@wavy6470]

It is emotional dysregulation in the context of a relationship, probably due to attachment trauma