7 Steps To Winning The Narcissist's Invalidation Game

[@alanayazyam2432]

“You win by not trying to win” that’s it exactly

[@princessdiamond123]

Alan Ayazyam I agree...I don’t waste my time because narcissistic ppl don’t change, I just accept that and look for an exit away from them. I smile 😊 even more once I’ve accomplish my escape, hehe 😉, and now stay happy 😆.

[@heidiaguilar1257]

Yep, don't play the game.

[@tinachristine4573]

Absolutely. Sign out of trying to impress a narcissist.

[@grinningshine9631]

Alan Ayazyam this is good logic.

[@studentthe1560]

and by not partaking in their BS games.

[@almak875]

These videos literally make me cry. Like every single one. It's the most validating and empowering content I've come across. Dr. Carter, you've helped me navigate a highly contentious divorce and keep my sanity for my young daughter, and my heart couldn't thank you more deeply if it beat til the end of time. Your calm, assertive assurance has made all the difference. Life affirming gift from your soul to ours.

[@s7449]

Alma Snelgrove Thank you for saying that!!! I feel the same way finding Dr. C and couldn't have said it better.💕

[@thepartysjustbegun5557]

Couldn't say it better friend, I'm still with my husband cos we have little children too, what a nightmare. But this channel is indeed a blessing I look forward to every new vid. I wish you all the best on this difficult journey ❤

[@munchymiddlevertmama]

Yes!! Agreed!! I am going through a contentious divorce and have two small daughters. It has been a weary battle dealing constantly with all the negative yuck that comes from having to co-parent with a covert narcissist. Dr. Carter's videos have breathed life and hope in me many times when I felt none!!

[@marylouleeman]

Those are healing tears.

[@carefulcarpenter]

Nicely written. You have gifts. 💗

[@MrsShirotora]

Who else needs an outline of this on a poster? I seriously might make one.

[@BerlinBerlinBerlin22]

Jenn McCoy 🙋🏽‍♀️🙋🏽‍♀️🙋🏽‍♀️

[@djwendy]

We need a voice recording too so we can just push play and repeat

[@SandriaGuest]

Jenn McCoy I’m in

[@djwendy]

@@SandriaGuest I need one

[@hchayes9431]

Yes! Something to hang in my office wall !!!!

[@jimrowan9174]

Key thing I found is to remove the narcissist completely from your life.

[@harrywilkinson7612]

100% true but remember some of us don't have that option and are in it for the long haul.

[@meera2531]

@Harry Agreed, in which case we have to make them irrelevant and ignore them.

[@christopheroconnor5740]

You're absolutely right. That's the best way to go, if you can. But thats exactly the thing. Sometimes, for one reason or another, we just can't do that and need to figure out how to get along with these people... and for that purpose I find these videos so incredibly valuable.

[@roxannecox7861]

@@christopheroconnor5740 I know! I don't want a divorce. I just want peace. I've been so much more peaceful since I found Dr. C. 😊

[@marylouleeman]

This can be done in plain view of him. For instance, I stay in the family. He is so tricky, even has some of them as flying monkeys, but I am getting very strong and have told my children what I go through. It is relatively invisible to family members as he is quite good. I don't discuss it with them, am on my own to fend for myself which is a good thing. I revisit my wonderful help on the internet including the comment sections and go again. He is not going to rob from my children or me our family relations especially with other cousins who are somehow not involved with this nonsense. This is a real challenge for me. But so worth it. I am finally gaining my adult persona. Who knew? I feel for HIM!! Weak and alone inside. Not sure how much of a psychopath he is but doesn't matter to me. Never violent, just destructive to the max, verbally. Him and my Mom but she is no longer here and brother's wife is decent. So I have a real chance. All his negative has to die out.

[@MR-lz5gq]

1-Pause, say I would like to understand what you would like me to know. 2-state your perspective, calmly 3-when you receive push back....say, I understand that is your perspective 4-I am comfortable with what I have already decided 5-nonetheless I am holding firm to my decision 6-Do what you have said you will do 7-make no further defense TIPS (Determine not to go into anger mode) (Have confidence in yourself and your own intentions) (Lack of shock when they need to be in control) (Be able to spot the power play they will try) Excellent Dr Carter!!!!

[@melaniewiser708]

M R thank you for putting this in the comments.👍🏻

[@heatherwhittaker6169]

Beautiful, helpful summary, thank you.

[@Kiwiwanderer]

M R a

[@gramadidi]

Thank you. I'm going to copy and paste this to my journal.

[@stephiedrown795]

Thank you for going to the trouble to list those points, very helpful. 😊

[@chinookvalley]

Playing their game only makes you their pawn. And they will call Check Mate every time. Walk away with a smile on your face. That is how you WILL win. They will despise you and hurt you for winning, but you must learn to walk away. Take back your self, your dignity, your hopes, your dreams, before they take it ALL from you and leave you bloody and dying. You know you deserve better. You matter and you deserve to be happy.

[@chinookvalley]

I am so thankful for this group of people! You are wonderful!

[@OceanSound100]

@B F No stay strong. Stay on board with us. We understand you.

[@christinebuckingham8369]

OceanSound100 👍💖💐

[@christinebuckingham8369]

B F Please never give up on yourself! Leave now before you invest any more time, heart and soul - you deserve love and respect. Anyone who repeatedly mistreats and abuses your mind, heart or body does not deserve your love, time or attention. Like Ocean said, stick with us - you are not alone. 💖🌸💖

[@debsabatino311]

B F come on B F, I am American but of German descent! We are strong and tough people. I was there. You will start seeing a little glimmer of happiness as you find yourself, little by little ❤

[@sattaway6854]

It is very important to let them know they have no power over you, your decisions, your time, your preferences...your anything. Usually that means no contact because they will NOT stop.

[@mariaseidi4764]

It's true, all all this minds games ,stone wall,anger ,invalidations, triangulatios ,put downs ,silence treatments ,gas lightening,stress,living on the edge ,to be always on defensive mode ,and on high alert, sleeping with the enemy for a long amount of time will drive you crazy and start afecting your mental and emocional sanity ,so just pack your bags (there is nothing in this world that is worth our mental sanity,inner peace and we'll being,not a good job/money /family /relationships and live before you snap and (commit a murder or suicide)...We are in this world to live and search happiness not survive and suffer...

[@Convoluted-and-Exiled]

Also are capable of getting very angry, so please please stay safe..

[@sattaway6854]

@Dawn Green It is a parent and I don't give a crap at my age what kind of punishment this person thinks they can throw my way. I've already faced that I will be cut out of the will just like my brother. It might take a long time, but eventually it's realized that the havoc they wreak is not worth being involved with them. My life and sanity are worth a lot more than caring what that parent thinks of me. I got over that quite a while ago. I can now freely feel good about myself.

[@kieransimpson4965]

@@sattaway6854 absolutely. I am experiencing similar

[@fifilafleur5555]

Yes, sometimes no contact is the answer to a healthier, happier and more peaceful life.

[@catnc1]

I don't even have to be in an argument for the narcissist to invalidate me.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

All you have to do is show up. Dr. C

[@kelrogers8480]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Dr C, is it possible to email you and ask a private question?

[@yellowrose7736]

@@SurvivingNarcissism no kidding!!!!

[@flgal7788]

Yep, ignoring, being emotionally distant and self-absorbed is invalidating and if you speak up for your needs or try to engage, hell breaks loose and you're being a problem. You must hold your ground and heart with them and have NO expectations as they cannot sustain normal emotional connection or discern reality.

[@SandriaGuest]

Exactly

[@danielcase1046]

A good lesson to be learned; Don't ever depend on any one person to bring you happiness. That depends on you, yourself from deep inside.

[@karadiberlino]

You sound like a narc. Just saying! 😬

[@danielcase1046]

@@karadiberlino I might have been when I was young and stupid but I've gained a lot of wisdom in my old age.

[@nelliecebekhulu498]

Thanks again Dr C..I now understand and I'm heading towards healing. .I'm no longer available for insane arguments

[@karadiberlino]

daniel case Ok good for you admitting this and going forward. I do actually believe ppl should bring NOTHING ELSE BUT HAPPINESS. Surr no problem to talk about important serious issues - but not creating new ones. That is not love! ☮️✌🏼

[@jenjem5810]

Daniel case, there are two things that I find are really over done. In the pop psychology world. One is the overuse of terming everything either positive or negative. Is usually used in a condescending way to shame a person for their perception of the situation. I would rather use constructive or destructive. The other is this very overused banter that no one can make you happy. Everyone is totally responsible for their own happiness. In my life which is probably quite long next to yours, I have met people who have literally made me happy. I could be completely down in the dumps and just them appearing and opening a door and standing in my presence made me happy. I also had dealings with people that their sheer presence could pull me down beneath the floorboards. There is an old song which is very famous from Jimmy Durante. It was featured in the sleeping in Seattle movie. It is called "Make someone happy". I played this at my parents 50th wedding anniversary. If we could get back to the concept that somehow we are entrusted with another person's happiness and it is really a privilege to contribute towards it, I think we would be on a better track than we are today. We are all becoming these paranoid people that want to point the finger at everyone else and not come together and joined forces to understand that we all can make each other happy. And we all have the power to make others unhappy. Sometimes, all it takes to cheer up a little soul is to give them an ice cream cone. All it takes to lift your spirits is that a little dog Will come up to you when I get stale and lick your hand as you Pat him on his head. Bless him. He makes people happy. I'm trying to protect myself from people who invalidate me. But I get so much joy from people who set out intentionally to do something to create happiness for me. I know I do that often for others. what I find is that the lesson sometimes is lost, and they are good at seeing it in action but not in emulating the same. Take the time to hold the door as you have your neighbors exiting the building. Take the time to hold the elevator so that they don't have to wait for it again. Offer to hold a grocery bag when you see somebody has two of them. Actually it could make them happy. Keep yourself in a safe area, but be aware for moments that present themselves for random acts of kindness. Some might find this post lengthy. Those people need to learn that they could , with patience ,find that it takes just a few more seconds to go the extra mile.

[@wsmith9443]

Narcissism should be illegal in my opinion. I despise how evil they are.

[@crystalwaters3471]

Michele Lee neives talked about a woman who did go to jail. I think it was in the UK.

[@countrystix]

Therapists or counselors for mental health are really needed (imo) on this world now-a-days. It costs too much and our veterans and others are self-medicating

[@uncleclaw171]

Agreed -- at the very least, there should be laws against certain provable aspects of chronic narcissistic abuse.

[@CreationVibration]

If only the majority of lawmakers weren’t narcissists themselves

[@karadiberlino]

I know...the problem is that emotional and psychological abuse are not aknowledged as violence. But they are!! Emotional violence is very real.

[@strongwon1]

Don’t let them know anything. Don’t make any proclamations of how things are going to be now. Just win by never ever ever showing your cards. Don’t seek their validation. One day after your life, all will look back and see your decisions and strength and silent stealth victory with envy! Be strong friends! Continue to shine when not around them. If you mope around, you’ve given your life over to their victory. Stand up! Chin up! Dress up! Walk tall! Hold your cards! Smile! Enjoy a smoothie! Tell yourself you’re going to be strong and safe and successful and you will watch 100 more videos until you learn how!! Fill your heart with dreams and joy! Have hope! Have faith! Change so you’re never a target again! Be careful who you let into your life or what bosses come into your life uninvited! Always always from now on I will assess if someone’s a narcissist BEFORE I ever let them know me! We are good and light and love, and that’s why they can’t stand us. So shine on the inside and fir the rest of the people who need your light each day! And don’t let t them dim your sparkle when they aren’t even around. It’s a heavy load and a lot to carry...so when they aren’t around, put it down and get strong!!!! We’re in this together survivors! Be strong!

[@metoo9360]

@strongwon1 Thank you for your encouraging comments. It's just what I was needing to read and hear. I know it's been 4 years since that, so I hope your life is continuing to be a learning journey of how to be happy regardless of what other people do or say. We know we are worthy of love, and can not only love ourselves more but surround ourselves with loving people, and avoid or spend less time around those that want to bring us down into their world of misery. Who cares what they think snyway. They are not God: they have no right to judge. Perhaps they judge others and insist on being right all the time in order to avoid judging themselves. You have given me new insight. Take care.

[@mysticat7652]

"They want to rob you of your own legitimacy by making you a counterpart to their silly games." POW! Thank you Dr. Carter 🤣

[@joannajohnson696]

After 10 years of being told I am "insignificant" by my NARC husband, I am going to a SAFE SPACE far away from him....more and more every minute.

[@TheSahand68]

Try to bolt ASAP and as far as you can! I changed continents .... narcs in my life cannot swim over the ocean ...so it worked for me ....

[@studentthe1560]

The fact is that deep down, he KNOWS he is lesser than you and putting you down is a way of making him feel better than you. IGNORE!

[@joannajohnson696]

@@studentthe1560 I wish I could ignore him! He yells the loudest, ugliest things a human being should not endure!

[@TheSahand68]

@@joannajohnson696 Also, finacial and social standing have additional impact on the narc-victim relationship ....if narc has all of the above, he/she can use it as a tool ...I hope Dr. C can expand his discussion on narcissism in that direction ...from my own experience I found plenty of well born poorly bread and behaving narcs who use their social status and money to poison people's lives .... they pave their way with money as a tool to avoid respecting boundaries of coomon BASIC decency in human behavior ...they claim victims ...also the idea of "marrying up" and finding the prince charming with a castle is highly suspicious ...what happens if the prince is narc?!?

[@Jenniferde2007]

@@TheSahand68 My "Prince" was a Narc and very abusive. There are worse things than being alone. I divorced him in 2001, no children, thank God. I am now at peace and enjoy a no drama, peaceful, life. I do not look for another husband as I fear drawing the same type of person to me again. So far I am now happy, do not miss the social status, the money which he rarely shared or any thing that reminds me of him

[@marykoch1611]

I have learned with a particular person to not get locked into angry and defensive mode. This keeps my vibration raised and gives me peace of mind!

[@captainrankin6865]

Good for you!! That's a real accomplishment

[@marcirobins5144]

Amen, Mary!

[@mandyprescott2279]

I'm always caught off guard, so defense mode is what happens. I hate that.

[@captainrankin6865]

@@mandyprescott2279 Hey I got ambushed the other day. I wasn't expecting it ... lesson learned baby! I dumped it ...

[@crystalwaters3471]

@2012endofanerror 😂😂😂😂😂😁. Me too 😁😁😁😁

[@JusticeForNicholeAlloway]

"Do they validate you?" Yup, she sure does, because she's been in therapy long enough that she realized it's a great way to manipulate people and give the impression that she is actually listening/cares.

[@sydneyjenkins1693]

You know it’s crazy you say that because I try all these tactics and 123 steps on how to deal with a narcissist but the few times I do get validated and then somehow it gets twisted into me being wrong again?? But I got validated so now it’s my turn to be sorry or something.

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

OMG, my two N's once actually said "We know more about everything than you do!" So glad I was able to eliminate them from my life.

[@hoth1009]

Until you realise what their disorder is and what you're dealing with, it's so mentally draining and confusing working out the reality. Great video, but wish I'd found it whilst in the relationship as it would've helped tremendously.

[@djwendy]

What helped me is I figured out they are jealous and whatever they accuse you of -they are the ones doing it to you - so just flip their script and you get the truth. Makes it so much more clear.

[@eurokay4755]

@@djwendy Exactly!! It's 100% projection, and so clear when you figure it out.

[@knowledgeapplied]

@@djwendy I agree. What I've discovered over the years is that no matter how old the narcissist is, they never actually learn that when they speak, they are actually talking about themselves, and rarely, if ever, about the other person. How sad that is...

[@juanitajackson2721]

Oh how I wish this information was available 40 years ago. I imagine my life would be completely different. I was the target of a family member all my life. She died 5 years ago and I didn’t completely understand the narcissist mindset until about 3 years ago. Your video on gaslighting described my life perfectly, I thought it was just me. I am so glad to have this information now to help with the healing process.

[@Stardust414]

I pray you heal from your trauma & give yourself an opportunity to grieve 🙏💞🕊️🕊️🌞✌️

[@lillianbarker4292]

I’m glad you found Dr. C. He has helped me too. Best wishes for healing!

[@hchayes9431]

We all feel that way. I am 61--and I catch myself thinking of all the narcissistic fools I have wasted time on, allowed to control me, who ruined parts of my life.

[@kiela17]

Juanita Jackson I also wish I had this information decades ago! One week my sister & I were best friends, the next week she was stabbing me in the back & saying horrible things about me to my 8 year old daughter. I apologise if this question is too personal. I'm wondering if you went to any memorial service/funeral for her? I don't plan to attend any for my sister if she goes first. I've also made it crystal clear to my husband & children I do not want her attending mine. Is that bad? Honestly, I don't even want her to know that I'm gone. I'm already dead to her anyway. I finally reached my breaking point & went no contact over 3 years ago. How are you feeling about things now? Do you think she knows now how badly she hurt you? Much love to you. 💟 Edit: I'm sorry if I've crossed the line. I don't personally know of anyone else who has been through this.

[@kiela17]

@Siobhan Fogarty I can't imagine having a narcissist parent! I would probably feel the same way about it.

[@tedschmitt178]

My ex wife of 31 years NEVER admitted that I had a good point or that I was even remotely correct. EVEN when she was busted in lying. These are great steps. Step #7 is a lesson that I learned from a lawyer friend several years ago - sometimes the best response is NO response.

[@mariatalavera3275]

THANK YOU Dr Carter! I also wish I had found your self-help videos earlier. It seems as narcissim is the disease of our time, so many people suffering from it, friends and family members who I cannot just ignore.. It devastates and saddens me tremendously to find such hurtful and mediocre relations with people whom I have loved.. I also find a few of those traits in myself and am scared as it appears to be be an early condition which can't be cured.

[@PamOliveiraTarot]

Thank u! Stay away from narcissists. Period.

[@tahwsisiht]

The best winning is to be able to find the ones who value you. Once you have those, you are VALIDATED.

[@TJ-nm3rw]

Your videos have literally changed my life. Thank you so much

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased to get this feedback. Dr. C

[@mariaseidi4764]

Me too,I wish I know about narcissism years ago,this videos will help many people to deal with narcissists in many walk of lifes ,bosses ,work colegues ,brothers,parents ...it's very important to know what you are dealing with ,and start to regain your energy ,self estime and power back,sametimes we spend years surviving unhappy and blaming yourself,Dr Carter is wonderful I fall in is video by accident and I have been watching him everyday since then , everything start to make perfect sense ,I'm working in regained my mental and emocional balance .Greetings from Germany

[@TheAncksunamen]

Thank you as always Dr. Carter for continuing to help, educate and guide us. I greatly appreciate everything you do. Please give little Gus chin scratches and hugs from me. 💕

[@tiffanypersaud3518]

I think dealing with narcissists or folks who have high narcissistic traits sharpens your maturity. Anger mode is so easy to slip into. When in that mode... maturity helps you to navigate too.

[@harrywilkinson7612]

Yep. What doesn't beat you makes you stronger.

[@kimberlyadams1300]

Thank you for this, Tiffany. Here I was, ready to SCREAM because my narc-y coworker is just about unbearable to be around. It lightens my soul to be given the perspective that he may actually be doing me some good. (Of course, he would throw his body on the floor and turn blue with rage if he knew that, ha, ha.)

[@bigtreecombatacademy2927]

Yep can bring out your better traits at times

[@catg8383]

TIFFANY PERSAUD the narcissist in your life has you fooled!

[@tiffanypersaud3518]

@@catg8383, which ones? ;) You'd be surprised what you end up needing to work with if only for a period of time - and that it makes you more mature and stronger to deal with even different things in life.

[@mommajones2244]

As I’m currently in my 40’s I feel like I’m learning about what life is supposed to look like for the first time Your approach to the videos of calmly explaining the facts and a proper response is beyond helpful. My Father is a malignant covert narcissist, my mother is a fragile victim narcissist and they were leaders in a religious cult for about 10 years during my childhood. Talk about a life full of lies, deceit and mind-f*ckery. Your videos have helped explain the world in which I was raised! In such a clear and concise way I can finally start mentally processing my life/trauma.

[@mommajones2244]

Fluff Your Garfield you’re correct. Especially in cults if you disagree or question a leader you’re shamed, devalued and torn down. If you persist you’re publicly kicked out. It definitely sucks to have someone like this as your father.

[@mommajones2244]

Fluff Your Garfield glad you spoke up for her and gave her a safe place. Dealing with a narcissistic family is such a minefield. You want nothing more than to be loved and accepted and will try almost anything to get it. From my experience it can take years before you understand what’s going on and no matter how hard you try nothing is going to change. Hopefully one day your step-sister will see the light and have a safe place with you.

[@mommajones2244]

Fluff Your Garfield Thank You! Your communication of the other realities that would have been going on are not only true but it was very impacting to me. I appreciated your engagement on all levels. The best to you as well!

[@TXsungirl]

Sorry for your childhood. We are a tribe here and we can share our stories. I had a narc dad and distant enabler mother. My dad is very very selfish.

[@anitazakarian908]

OH WOW! I hear YOU SISTER! [e-mail] is my contact if you wanna talk outside this fully public area.

[@alanwood5857]

My older sister is a pro at invalidating (she learned from the best, my mother) started years back while we were still in school. She is the oldest, 5 years older than myself, plus I was the scapegoat. Whatever I said was wrong, very hard to understand when you are an adolescent. This shook my self confidence and filled me with self doubt, as I figured she was right. Now I understand narcissism and can clearly see what she is doing. If you can check your emotion and stay calm, they have nothing. Thanks Dr. Carter, much enjoy your very helpful videos!

[@lindsayschilling8707]

Alan, I identify with your comment! My twin sister did the same to me while my narcissistic mother, the human woodchipper, validated my twin's behavior. I was also the scapegoat.

[@ThrivingWithGaylaDGaia]

After watching this video several times, I realized it's really true. The shock factor has to go! It's totally believable that a narcissist will be a narcissist and it's also true that the more I focus on not playing the power games and just focus on being a decent person, the less effect that narcissistic people will have on me. There's no need to try to get a narcissist to understand what they've done to you. It's not within my pay grade to make those dots connect. It's enough to realize, hey this doesn't work for me and there's other things that do. I can just move on and let the ties totally fall away. I don't think that they are the type to chase me so moving out will be the end of the game here. Thanks soooooo much for making these videos! Extremely helpful

[@privateprivate8366]

Yeah, don’t return phone calls either. My mother called last week to ask me to come to her house to do something. She spoke smoothly, as if she thought I’d forgotten that I told her no months ago as, I’m worried about my car (although I could get there, if I actually wanted to). Now, while I do realize she may have a tad bit of dementia, that’s not what I garnered from the tone of her voice. It was a smooth, controlled delivery and, from my mother, what that actually means is, “I’m going to be nice enough to forgo that you told me you weren’t coming and allow you another opportunity to get you ass up here and I don’t care if you’re car dies and you can’t get to work or you get killed wrapping it around a tree. When “I” TELL you to get up here, you ask how many minutes I need you to get here in.” I never returned her call. Not interested in engaging in BS and strong arming,

[@psychologicalsigma9917]

Wish I knew years ago. I would always become angry and flip out. Then be held hostage by guilt later. OMG. What a silly pattern I fell for.

[@NEBSpecialEdition]

1. "I'd like to understand what you're wanting me to know" (remove yourself from the adversarial position) 2. State your perspective calmly 3. "I understand. That's your perspective." 4. "I'm comfortable with what I've already decided" 5. "Well, nonetheless, I'm holding firm to my decision" 6. Follow through on your decision 7. Make no further defense Key ingredients for you to maintain 1. Determination to not go into high-anger mode (don't waste emotional energy) 2. Have confidence in your own good intentions 3. Maintain a lack of shock regarding the narcissist's need for control 4. Refuse to be drawn into the power play. 5. Acknowledge your inability to change this individual.

[@salliegallegos918]

“I understand” without any other words cuts the thread efficiently.

[@breables1293]

Thx Dr Carter for helping us understand our 5 year olds...

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

Mantis67 😂😂😂

[@oOIIIMIIIOo]

I hope, this is a joke. 🤔😀

[@bilwisss]

if my narcissist validates me in any way, . . . i know their up to something.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Sad but true. Dr. C

[@lindsayschilling8707]

Oh, so VERY true.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

What's their hidden agenda?!

[@bilwisss]

@@jackilynpyzocha662 i only know what i have learned from mine. (i then wrote a ton of stuff here . . . and deleted it all. ) in the end, their bias and agenda is super simple, *they want whatever they want, ... at the moment* its almost child like, almost reptilian, very primordial. seemingly ... and they don't want to be bothered with playing fair, or keeping their word, they don't want to feel bad. if they do something, anything ... *profit* is the only motive.... the problem, that profit could be anything....petty and small or large, almost on a whim, from an extra scoop of ice cream, to needing you to treat them in a sacrosanct way, or punishing you for poking their narcissist injury a week ago, or 10 years ago. to injecting doubt, where none existed before. *only they will never (TRUTHFULLY) tell you why* they don't like to negotiate, because that opens the doorway to them losing the upper hand. and they will never admit any of it. ... if they do admit guilt or wrong doing, its only a 1/2 truth concoction to get you off their case. i have never met an emotionally mature narcissist. i am unsure if they exist. the title "bully victim" is a clue, a very true title. a truism. the old film *The Bad Seed (1956)* holds some clues.

[@kaleyharris95]

Thank you for mentioning intentions. I’ll remember that one when the narcs in my life take a shot at me. I know where my intentions are, better than anyone else. The power play is also a good reminder. I don’t want power over anyone but it’s so easy to be pulled into that argument with a narcissistic individual if you aren’t careful! I would love a video about the long term effects on an individual who has been subject to narcissistic abuse. Specifically adapted behaviors.

[@chinookvalley]

C-PTSD. I finally understand why I am the way I am. I'm in my 60's and it is never too late to change. I CAN be happy, and I AM a good person. Taking responsibility for my actions, no matter the cause, is how I can change the world around me - by accepting what has happened and realize "it's not me"! I am better than this, the world has a lot of wonderous things to offer, and it's time for me to be happy.

[@actsfittolead]

Yep, CPTSD. Look into it. It has a hallmark of having emotion flashbacks where your amygdala is highjacked and the left hemisphere of your brain is turned off leaving you with a flood of emotions that seem to be out of control. Not fun. different to PTDS where you may re live the trauma with visuals of the traumatic event. Emotional flashbacks can seem to come out of nowhere once you are triggered. Takes a strong healing journey to regain control. I am only 46 and discovered that I had CPTSD just over a year ago. I am glad that I understand it but it has been a tough go.

[@fifilafleur5555]

My interactions with certain family members have always been this way. I am learning to no longer waste my time with these individuals as their goal is to do exactly what you discuss in this video, Dr. Carter. It’s all a game to them. I have been so hurt and distraught trying to deal with one that I’ve actually begun shaking while speaking with them over the phone. No more. I will never play this game again with any of them. Great video! Thank you, Dr. C!

[@susieh9415]

What makes me sad it that my 20 year old son told me “ you and Dad both have to be right”. What he saw were two idiots fighting and arguing with each other to be right. When really it was just one idiot fighting fruitlessly to get a narcissist to validate me.😢

[@speedskater5613]

And narcs will do or say ANYTHING to be the victor no matter how mean or belittling it is

[@Ozymandias_SofaBear]

I've only found this video. Years ago, I responded this manner somehow by instinct. My narc spouse didn't know that I will follow through my decision. She thought that I'll cave in. I followed through, & made this spouse an ex-spouse. Best decision ever.

[@beverlyblanton715]

Thank you Dr Carter. You have helped me more than you will ever know. I referred your videos to a friend that was able to remove a narcissistic person from her life. Whoo hooo. Thank you for your on going videos, I listen to them on my drive time. Makes a long drive so much shorter. I have adopted a new saying "I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to". Thanks again and love to see Gus!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for taking me along on the ride! Dr. C

[@Victorialands]

So much of what you say hits home, Dr. C. You speak of the power play that happens with a narcissist. When I stopped reacting one thing that was a constant and always happens is she pours on the coals and things got horribly worse... she just wouldn’t let up. She was and is relentless. Any suggestions on how to cope with the aftermath of that? I honestly can’t believe how this person can tell so many lies about people and why on earth do so many people believe her. This totally perplexes me.

[@Victorialands]

Fluff Your Garfield I’m sad to hear you too experience the same thing but I thank you for your reply as it makes me feel not so alone in this crazy mess. It’s definitely a process from dealing with it. I’m Thankful for Dr.Cs videos and people like yourself.

[@crystalwaters3471]

Perplexes me also plus bewilderment plus mouth dropping craziness 🙀

[@marylouleeman]

You have to disengage and learn to stick up for yourself, or show up that is. They cannot let up.

[@crystalwaters3471]

@@marylouleeman they won't let you stick up for yourself they will scream at you & not let you have a voice & if you do get to say something it's twisted around & they start screaming again the only way to stick up for yourself is to leave forever.

[@janetstephens9563]

Break contact with that person. Don't try to figure out how or why. It's a waste of your time and energy. Start living your best life today.

[@yasgym]

step 1 = they don't care step 2 = they don't care step 3 = they don't care step 4 = they don't care step 5 = they don't care step 6 = they don't care step 7 = they don't care Steps may work if at work, or if in public to a new narcissist, but a long term relationship with a narc, it just won't be enough. So do what you need to do, to defend and help yourself in the short term, don't engage, don't connect with them, walk away, and keep minimum contact, until you can go full no no contact. don't give up and keep battling, keep learning, their will be relief.

[@CHAG1963]

My pain therapist told me the most simple thing to do "Do not engage", only thing is my father red lined when I didn't play his game that he came at me physically. Just as a word of warning, be careful and read the situation.... Best thing I ever did is remove my father and my mother from my life.

[@nancyalywahby2784]

Or over engage, out talk them (without conflict)

[@bandieboo8102]

You are amazing. So calm and helpful. I love the way you throw humour into the mix. 😀

[@patrickbradley7360]

I self doubted for nearly 30 years, though I was wrong and believed that I had not the tools to be a decent husband and couldn't put my finger on the madness. Then I discovered KZbin 18 months ago and thank God my eyes and mind have been opened. My internal torture is gone Thanks to people like Dr. Carter. Oh I am so grateful that there are good people out there. My gratitude to you all.

[@YouAREtheLight22]

Thank you SO much, Dr. C!!! I honestly don’t understand how you can have SUCH an intimate and CLEAR understanding of the REAL insights and ways of the narcissist without having been thoroughly and emotionally damaged personally yourself. You are truly a gift to the field, and to all of us - You really do “GET IT”!!!! 🙏🏼🎯✅🙌🏼 💯

[@OceanSound100]

I was thinking that too. He really does GET IT.

[@peppertree8244]

Here, here!

[@northstar5919]

He probably had experience with them

[@cucknorris6497]

He certainly does. The man is an angel.

[@sovereignsupreme5300]

"Maintain that steady mindset..."

[@69LOLIN]

"I have better things to do with my life and time" Kudos! Dr. Carter! 😊👍

[@tiffanysuttle-thrower7031]

This is when i have learned to get up and walk away.. It helps lot.. To get away from those kinds of people.. Thank you so much.. This is helping 😀

[@nancygreydee2608]

after 30 years of holding out for hope that my narcissistic ex husband would ever change I concluded it is impossible and I needed to focus on myself and finally living my authentic life. no contact and Grey rock are so helpful for me as I don’t allow him to trigger me .

[@Twinkiepie52]

I hope to be that strong soon😀

[@bwin783]

That moment you take inventory of the people in your life, you realize they need to be moved from full access to limited or no access in yr life...limited contact has restored my peace! And the folk who put themselves on no access by ignoring me all year until they need my help..then they'll blow up my phone...well I finally stopped letting them contol me.

[@danielcase1046]

You have the power within yourself to free your self from oppression.

[@She_McGee]

I need to take notes so might as well share again: 1) When the narc is opinionating, say: "Id like to (or help me to) understand what you're wanting me to know" 2) state your perspective calmly 3) when they begin to invalidate: "I understand that's your perspective" 4) tell them you choose to keep your own perspective 5) when invalidated AGAIN: "nonetheless, im holding firm to my decision" 6) Do what you say you're going to do 7) make no further defence

[@She_McGee]

@KALEIDIX YW, I keep getting stuck at between #5 & 6 so I need these notes more than anyone lol. One of these days Ill get my head together and they'll be sorry! lol

[@petitefleur83]

I love my narcissist husband! After 37 years of marriage I am learning how I can enjoy the rest of my life..the biggest "take home" is that it is NOT always my fault!! Thank you Dr. Carter : )

[@robinmartin7835]

It’s too bad I didn’t know about these people when I got involved with my husband. I could have saved myself a lot of time and grief. At least I finally recognized what he was, even if it wasn’t until after I ended the relationship. Channels like these have been a great help. Thank you, Dr. Carter.

[@catnc1]

This happens to me all the time! Looking forward to hearing what Dr. Carter has to say.

[@victoriavmh]

Your book When Pleasing You Is Killing Me is being delivered today. I'm so excited. I am dealing with this with my adult daughter who just married a narcissist that is going to destroy her. Your videos help so much.

[@farmershonor]

This was VERY beneficial. My narc sister is in charge of mother's estate when she passes. All things line up for her benefit and she has essentially robbed her brother's and sisters of their inheritance, and Mom hasn't even passed yet. I hear these truths you speak loud and clear. Thank you for giving advice on how to manage when confronted with the unpleasant family business that is ahead of us. Thank you, bless you.

[@carolmaplesden916]

my heart is with you, it is going to take some work for you to not let this get an upper hand. easier said than done i know BIT money isn't the most important I will remember you in my prayers

[@deesmith1449]

THANK YOU FOR THIS PRESENTATION 🔄

[@DeeNeeBug]

Thank you so much for making these videos, they have changed my life. It hasn't been easy, but after being in a 40 year abusive relationship with a narcissist I am finally beginning to feel like "me" again.

[@amjPeace]

#4 can be tough. Saying "I'm comfortable with my decision" can feel like a lie after years of invalidation from that person. I am finally learning how to live with that uncomfortable feeling. No more standing up for myself because I'm learning I shouldn't have to and don't have to.

[@desormais22]

I’ve been trying to practice these things with encouragement/help from my counselor, but it has been hard. But what’s been good is I’m getting stronger and realizing what’s going on in the conversation vs just accepting what’s going on/giving into what he’s saying as if it’s the truth. The win has been keeping it mostly respectful but firm assertiveness of my needs and shutting conversation down when he/I can’t manage ourselves or be disrespectful. Definitely still working on trusting myself and my intentions. These are helpful things to keep in mind and to refer back to for dealing with these situations!! Thanks so much for sharing these resources!!

[@starstop1063]

Yes! Once you see that it’s a game with them, it becomes clear. It all makes more sense this way. Thanks Dr C !!

[@kc3810]

And once you see the narc's game, it becomes theatrical, a spectacle, "curiousier and curiouser".

[@Teacher369]

“Make no attempt to change their mind.” 🙌 That’s a tough one, but sooo spot on. I usually explain myself to the nth degree and it’s NEVER made things better. Only given the narc another chance to say that they don’t care.

[@strongwon1]

Can’t wait! Help! I’m at work and need this advice! You’re saving my 25 year career! New narc boss started kind and turned! I’m pulling way way back! Slandering me with flying moneys! I’m drained but acting fine. How in the works did this happen! So glad I can see it now! Need to navigate meetings where she skips me or disses me. Humiliated but going to survive and outlast!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes, survive and outlast. Dr. C

[@eagleeye2300]

Document everything...Don't get sucked in emotionally/mentally, because getting you to react opens you up for her to vampire your energy, (literally.) Put a light around yourself and "batton down," your energetic hatches every day for psychic protection. Perhaps if she sees that you're not a willing participant, she'll move on. They look for victims. Your biggest protection is just what was shared in this video...That you are not playing the game. And sometimes, you may have to move on...but only you (and God) will know if that's what you need to do. All the best. There are so many emotionally and mentally ill people. The best thing that we can do is not to be one!

[@captainrankin6865]

@@eagleeye2300 What Paula said, DOCUMENT EVErYTHING, EVERYTHING ... takes notes, video, write it down, if a witness sees something, talk with them and DOCUMENT

[@debsabatino311]

I say if you can, change departments. I tried to out live the narc by being invisible. A good smear campaign and a few flying monkeys (which was easy for her to get because the atmosphere just made them thankful it wasn't them) and I was fired after 19 years of nothing but great performance appraisals. She said she called patients to see how their experience was and they all said I was a problem, used my name. The most evil person! I loved helping people, so she used that. The one think she knew was most important to me. Destroyed my integrity. Truly the devil.

[@crystalwaters3471]

@@eagleeye2300 also record it😆😆😆😆😅

[@alestrada6246]

Thanks for nourishing my soul friend.

[@DtothePtotheG]

This is excellent advice. Truly excellent.

[@robinmcintyre2027]

You ever find yourself at odds with a narcissist? Let me see, is water wet? The “don’t be shocked” part is so true. Great video. Staying calm and keeping the answers short and to the point is HUGE. At the beginning of the video is a great two word phrase, “Calm Firmness.” So true.

[@desert_moon]

He says, "I'm sorry you feel that way." And that's all he ever says.

[@jenjem5810]

Oh Yes. Brings back memories. Robotic "Im sorry you feel that way" Deflection. "

[@BubbasChibi]

Mine always said, "I didn't mean to upset you." In saying that, he was saying that he would continue to abuse me as much as he wanted, but I wasn't supposed to get upset about it.

[@kaymuldoon3575]

Alice Author that’s exactly what my friend would say. She was just trying to absolve herself of any blame. If she didn’t mean to upset me then she shouldn’t have verbally attacked me. I’m so glad she’s out of my life.

[@jcreole5222]

Oh yes! You win simply by not playing their pointless game. I like how you keep reiterating that every one of us is unique Dr. Carter. I believe we are all instictively aware of that, even the narcissists. Except the narcissists are so out of touch with their self that they do not understand it and have a warped idea of their uniqueness. You do not need to constantly try to prove how special you are when you already know you are.

[@michellerutt6683]

I can’t thank you enough Dr. Carter. You have helped me realize my inner strength again. Three in my life and through the years I have found a way through the abuse to stay strong within. Sometimes the pain does turn to anger, and I’ve come to realize that the anger is from my unresolved grief. Never ending work and that’s okay! Appreciate you 🙏

[@karenkaminskas2580]

This was excellent- having the phrases to practice is preparing me to avoid the anger reaction and stay strong in a non-game participatory approach!!!

[@AR-nm3vr]

I have to listen to these podcasts many times. And then I practice the conversation in the mirror before I have to say it. It may sound like a lot of work, but it keeps me calmer in "the moment." Sometimes you can't walk away and when you can't you need all the tools possible to make it as good as you can. I appreciate so very much your admonition to be the very best me that I can possibly be. Thank you Dr. Carter

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Actually, I encourage patients to mentally rehearse how they will respond when they encounter the predictable trigger moments. So you and I are tracking along the same lines. Dr. c

[@FloraClarityCoach]

@@SurvivingNarcissism What do we do if they don't get us get out the words in step 2 without interrupting or eye rolling dismissal, etc? I haven't seen any space for actually being able to unhurriedly state my perspective on anything....

[@SophieBird07]

Still saving my sanity! I’m getting there.

[@nanamom4]

Thank you Dr Carter. Such a source of inspiration! My former husband and son and daughter are all severe narcissists I realize the church is fairly ignorant of the damage these ppl do. I found out after 32 years of abuse the advice i was getting from ministers was all wrong. Thank ypu for your great insight and strategies to not be taken in to the narcs games!

[@northstar5919]

Maybe the best question for ministets is how to fight evil?

[@ThePossumone]

Yes 100%

[@thereszahealed]

I am just not living with someone like this ever again. They will resort to violence and suicide. Run the other way. Break the cycle and love yourself, find your voice and don't be afraid to fly solo with God as your co-pilot.

[@krystynabialowiejska1332]

"don't be afraid to fly solo with God as your co-pilot"....Beautiful....This sentence is the one of most empowering guidelines that resonate with me...Thank you for sharing Theresza.

[@harrywilkinson7612]

Thank you Dr Carter as ever, I watch your videos 5 or 6 times while these lessons sink-in. Just a note to my fellow sufferers - not all of us can leave and for all kinds of very good honorable reasons, we're in it for the long haul unfortunately.

[@ThePossumone]

Agree

[@labotraduc8448]

It always amazes me to find that nearly all the descriptions of how they function match the narcissistic person I know. When I used to fall into her fight game, my heart bounced for hours after that, I was totally upside down, but I notice how cool she can remain! After the last "fight" with my sister (which is more like having a wasp stinging me all over relentlessly), she was sipping her tea quietly in the garden, like nothing had happened, while I felt I had just gone through a tsunami...

[@denicehaley9902]

My “husband” can chronically go to bed and fall asleep within minutes, while I toss and turn all night. I’m learning to disengage emotionally in hopes my anger will become calm assertiveness.

[@libbynovotny9979]

You said, ,they want to rob you of you 'so true, that is why it is o traumatic to recover from them I realize now

[@ellam9332]

I am so happy to be able to listen to your "seminars" they are so uplifting. I was attracting narcissists into my life, now I have my eyes wide open , looking for those traits. Thank you for making us aware about this personality disorder.

[@JasonHyde32]

Love this video. The whole narcissist thing is the most frustrating and exhausting thing a human could ever have to deal with. It makes me sad because I have been played for so many years. I am an empath so I want what is best for her, but I don't trust her and my soul has been sucked dry. I feel so many emotions... Anger, confusion, pity, compassion, sadness, insanity.

[@ThePossumone]

Yes and wasted years

[@terrymathews8177]

My narc mother is a master at getting you agitated to loose your cool but I'm getting better thanks to these videos- thank you

[@taggardhecker6380]

Dr. Carter! You will never know how much you’ve informed and taught me and how much you’ve helped me in my life just by simple KZbin video. Thank you so very much!

[@chazbreese8106]

@9:35 Dr. Carter says "I'm not able to change this person." What I hear from my narcissist relative "Stop trying to change me." It's amazing how often Dr. Carter hits the nail on the head! These moments of his correctness in my situation with a narcissist relative are almost spooky. This help has been so welcome in my life and I feel blessed to have found this channel! And that's just in the few months since this past August, 2019! Whew.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm glad you found us too. Keep leaning forward! Dr. C

[@jbrown5307]

Thank you so much, Dr.Carter ! As always, you've given us a wealth of info for the win.

[@sherriraeamundson1668]

The trick is staying one step ahead of the by not pointing out that you know what they r up to , just be silent and show no emotions and walk away . They will throw fits and break things if you try to reason with them so don't bother :-) Just disengage and remember they have a real problem and it's not worth your time or effort to correct or fix them cause they are permanently broken .

[@lindaw.1568]

Wow! A Particularly excellent message! Thank you so much Dr. C.!! You always offer such valuable tools as I heal from Narcissistic abuse! 💕

[@deniseroberts8572]

I'm guessing the 35 that didn't like this video are narcissistic individuals. Thank you for enlightening us all. Many blessings to you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yeah, I'm guessing that too. Dr. C

[@trappedinmn1]

This is, without a doubt, one of the most helpful videos ever. I have gone no contact with my ex-husband/ narcissist but we do have children that are at the age of getting married and we also share grandchildren, so I'm sure I will be dealing with him at some point in the future. This gives me a great perspective on how to deal with him. Thank you so much Dr. Carter! Your videos have helped me to grow past the damage and learn how to give mature, adult responses to a toxic person.

[@trappedinmn1]

GreenEyed Tiger Since you are full of hatred toward women, vicious to a total stranger, and most likely toxic, I think I’ll try some of Dr. Carter’s advice on you. “What is it that you are wanting me to understand?” “I understand your perspective, however I am comfortable with what I have already decided.” And I will make no further defense because you are not worth my emotional energy. Namaste!

[@sandytempleman2004]

Thank you. So nice to get reassurance I’m not this unworthy bad individual. My family are so glad I’ve walked out on my narcissistic husband of 35yrs, can’t believe they could see what he was like and I couldn’t (hard when you’re living in it to see how they are ruling you). And now he is trying to turn our friends against me, saying I have mental issues! This man is truly unbelievable.

[@ntrval]

I have benefitted so much from this channel, and i think this is one of the best videos i have seen here to date. thanks so much for putting in the time and effort to bring these invaluable insights to light!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Dave. Dr. C

[@thorvaldmelum9877]

When dating, she asked what was important to have in a relationship. My answer was "validation, love, trust, commitment, loyalty, and willingness to compromise, are what I feel important and believe that is what makes a functional relationship. She fully agreed, I didn't realize those things were going to be used as control buttons as a married couple. As belittling, lying, cheating, no compromise, name calling, tantrums, and secrets are now her norms. I truly wish that I could help her. Thank you Dr.C for these very helpful mind easing, validating explanations. Thank You.

[@olstarofthesea]

Best video yet! Thank you for sharing this useful information. I've been married for 28 years and still struggling with getting over the shock. But I recognize it and I am working on it.

[@dawnjoys8]

Thank you! You have helped me find my sanity and identity maybe for the first time in my 58 years. Written with tears that fall freely now. I have been told over and over in my life that I don't really feel what I feel. I now have the courage to embrace what I feel and learn how to better validate the emotions of others.

[@CathyPinAZ]

I always love your viewpoint, Dr. Carter! Thank you for giving us tools to maintain our personal power and integrity in the face of narcissistic banter. 😊❤️

[@susanriese7572]

BF, please stay strong. I felt overcome with pain for over a year. I am just now having good days. I had been convinced/gaslit that I was the source of all problems. I even would say, “everything is my fault “. It was a NOT your fault. Just remember that. Keep saying it. I wish you the best,

[@thepartysjustbegun5557]

Hi, I've been using some of these techniques you've taught and definitely having some success. It's exhausting remembering to stay calm in the moment but really worth trying. It seems to have completely confused the narcissist that I'm reacting differently. Unfortunately when dealing with narcs you will never feel better with them, just not as awful.

[@tracicritchlow5937]

damn, Les,, it aint easy. But i draw a lot of strength from your wisdom. I can't afford your books and stuff, but I hope you know you are saving me. You are saving me. Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Traci. You're why I do these videos! Dr. C

[@sandrarouth8247]

Brilliant as always, Dr. Carter! Thank you!

[@kathleenreardon7531]

Yes Dr. Carter, you are a life affirming gift to all of us. Thank you. I have a new life and I'm no longer afraid to be a compassionate, loving and kind person. (Not to the narcissist)

[@r8003]

I ask myself, where have you been?, why didn't find you before... the disaster? Thank you so much for helping me to survive.

[@MontoyaMatrix]

How could i not want this kind and giving man to nourish my soul. So much authenticity. There are some GREAT narccicist self-help vids out there, but this guy is the Mr. Rodgers in the Neighborhood of Narccisssim. Thank you, God!

[@quitageorge7532]

Well put...I love how you explained and break things down in a plain and simple way. Everything you talks about is so helpful. Thanks for making a huge difference in my life as well as others...One love