The Scapegoating Narcissist: There's A Whole Lot Of Projection Going On

[@ruebensfilms]

"Your dealing with an individual who has a very child like response to life." Pretty much all you need to know about the inner workings of narcissism. It's a complete lack of maturity. Maturity comes through self reflection.

[@isabelleparise5607]

agree so true

[@heartwisdomlove]

ruebensfilms well it’s more than that Although the soul’s spiritual evolution could be stunted therefore their emotional growth is still that of a child and thus they fall prey to dark spiritual powers since they are for sure maleficent in their behavior ( Anyway there are hidden things going on behind the person’s human psyche )

[@barbarawoods3905]

They might have a distorted reflection of themselves or they perfectly aware of their flaws , just cannot accept them? By putting down, by tormenting somebody else, they feel better about themselves? Doing things that don't even make sense? That's why their behavior is opposite to order..not a normal, healthy way of living and interacting with fellow humans. Somethings they would express that " they don't feel anything " ..

[@cindyirish2571]

Barbara Woods They aren’t conscious like you or I. There is no one home upstairs-it’s all feeling based reactions.

[@donnahilton471]

@@barbarawoods3905 they want to be seen as a victim.

[@suzanne4396]

My flaw first and foremost, is trusting him, believing him, giving him the benefit of the doubt ... and loving him. Loving him first, before Me.

[@thetemplelaboratory]

"Unintelligent people always seek a scapegoat." ~Ernest Belvin

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Ernest knew what he was talking about. Dr. C

[@hisnewlife3543]

I’ve also noticed how much they hate people. They actually have zero empathy for others.

[@JoyZoneYT]

Actually, they have selective emulated empathy, meaning that they will have razor sharp focus on you and your issues if they can gain something out of it.

[@crissyharding-gac7523]

My husband enables the drug addict and alcoholics for he in recovery for both! He loves to through slander towards others !

[@AC-ew2xr]

@Deplorable CatSame here...once upon a time i loved being around people. That's toast now and i await an underground apartment complex or cave to live in.

[@KimEinAspen]

Mark Kenny That’s awesome! Praise God! 🙌🏻❣️

[@543sw]

@Deplorable Cat In my country we say.." Passing Time is the best doctor for everything". I fully understand you, I am a victim too. From a BPD narc. I felt this with intense, the first months, and sometimes I feel it even now. But it will change. You will find your true shiny self, as long as you are starting to love yourself and give these monsters the place they deserve. Completely out of your mind, with no empathy for them. Not a single thought or an excuse for them and their behaviour. You are en empath. You have a TRUE own-self and you deserve....And you know it!

[@Axess-sv8nq]

NEVER go back to a narcissist. Walk and never look back! Stay gone and maintain no contact.

[@bookworm8792]

I wish. Not always poss when there is family, children, and the negotiation/sale of mutually owned property. And every single contact/meeting is set as an opportunity for more aggravation by that individual.

[@Axess-sv8nq]

Yeah, family members are tough. You just have to grey rock with them - don't react and don't get provoked when they pull their nonsense. The thrive on conflict. They fully enjoy fighting and drama.

[@carriered4715]

@@Axess-sv8nq Yes, it's So hard when it's your adult daughter, 😢

[@ao2864]

I've been battling this for 22 years? It's hard for me to breath sometimes

[@jimanderson699]

@@ao2864 , oh my goodness. I can completely relate . Sometimes I just consider all the nonsense that was caused , it overwhelms me. Deep breaths. Other days I'm just shadow boxing/ swinging at air .

[@gloriastroedecke2717]

When scapegoating happens to you, move on. Your health is more important than approval from dubious people. You are so helpful. Thank you.

[@doyleperkins4916]

Move on when convenient. Otherwise, STAND YOUR GROUND.

[@dianedeclare8541]

there r so many dubious people. i am mixed race living in Vancouver Native Hsng., wherein 3 women on my floor conspired to get me evicted but i took picture of my damaged hand & went to emergency after one of them assaulted me so that she could not deny what she had done. I also experienced abuse from a narcissist. I acknowledge that i placed myself in a vulnerable position my accepting her invitation to Ecuador. Trip turned sour when she realized that i was not going to defer to & praise her everyday and how dare i disagree with her. Her controlling side (Dr. Jekyl?) came out. It was painful for me to feel the shunning that oozed from her flying monkeys of her tribe/girls gang. These videos have helped me tremendously. When r we gonna see your Gus awake, eh?

[@joppekim]

Yeah moving on if the narcissist is your boss is difficult.

[@AZDC99]

@@doyleperkins4916 Great advice! Because sometimes you can't just move on quite yet legally or whatever immediately. (Got to do what you've GOT to do, when you got to do it, and all)

[@charliebubbles9501]

Strange how in the beginning of an intimate relationship the narcissist mirrors all the good traits of the target, a sort of reverse projection. But when devaluing the intimate partner they project all their negative traits onto the target. They really are very unaware of the irony of this behaviour.

[@doves4christ4]

Charlie Bubbles the narcissistic personality DOESN’T WANT to know of the irony of their behavior because they are hypocrites. 😉

[@DunderMifflin_ThisisPam]

This is exactly what happens.

[@donnahilton471]

OMG 😲 how true!

[@doom-c4h]

Charlie Bubbles so spot on!

[@ysanchez7292]

good , true and precise words ..wow !! that is something new I didn't recognize it...definitely well put..

[@wifferste]

There's a number of reasons why they do this: avoid responsibility, make themselves look good, and if culture plays a role, avoid losing face.

[@nerodiamante9441]

A common deflection is "you're playing victim" "you're nuts", all the while saying that they're being bullied. It use to hurt but no more .

[@Servo1616]

Oh god, I understand this one. "You need to learn to take responsibility! Can't you see our problems are ALL YOUR FAULT!?!?!"

[@dnk4559]

I’m working on not hurting anymore. Or at least not dwelling on it afterward.

[@LinNoOne]

I needed to be reassured that it's okay to stop trying to make it work. To be reminded that the other person doesn't want to work it out. They just want me to keep acting as their convenient scapegoat. Thanks for that.

[@sherrim4067]

In a similar pattern myself. I've tried so hard for almost 10 years now.

[@tonjatucker3534]

I tried Ana tried to make it work and it’s EXHAUSTING !

[@tonjatucker3534]

After 12 years and then an actual mental breakdown I had to leave- don’t let it get to that point

[@odette8905]

@@sherrim4067 Make the brave decision to leave if you can - or there'll be another 10yrs of your life gone.

[@doom-c4h]

the simul It’s OK to stop trying to make it work. Trust me I have been there. These people never will ever ever change

[@areilly2496]

Instead of just being HONEST, from the beginning....they scapegoat,blame and waste up your time!!

[@dsmusicbird]

Waste your time, energy, efforts, care, sensitivity, love, whatever else...

[@karenzilverberg4699]

A Reilly - Some say it is because they, the narcissist, does not know what they want therefore wasting their life and ours is of no regard to them.

[@fingerprint5511]

When you realise you just want peace and recognize that doing that around unconcious people means you are a scapegoat ... then you realize you have been doing this since a child due to narcissist parents. A real eye opener! Dr. Carter seriously, you deserve a Nobel Peace Prize or something. Thanks to you so much tangled cognitive and emotional triggering has been revealed. Thank you seems trite but it's from my soul 🙏

[@ginaheaton2203]

I’m never willing to listen to someone that I think or know is a narcissus. I think letting those boundaries down are dangerous around a Narcissist. A Narcissist cannot be reasoned with. That’s what everyone needs to understand here.

[@anitazakarian908]

GINA, there is female DR on med circle that says this same thing about when she meets a NARC! YOU are wise!

[@psychictruth5037]

@@anitazakarian908 👏

[@psychictruth5037]

💯👏

[@anitazakarian908]

@@psychictruth5037 honestly I load up w/ DR Carter and DR Ramani on Narc abuse to help me heal. I love them DEARLY both.. both different in styles but both such a blessing from the HEAVENS!

[@user-yz8lg3bo3y]

Blame, shame, humiliation... then there's 'But I forgive you' Then to themselves, 'my image is more important than you'

[@chante707]

Projection and gaslighting are two major tactics used in emotional abuse. Projection is the act of placing unacceptable feelings or unacceptable wants or desires onto another person. For example, a person who feels inferior constantly accuses others of being stupid or incompetent.

[@demigaines5644]

Narcissists Need A Scapegoat To Abuse Belitte And Put Down. Because They Are So Incredibly Weak. selfish Ppl. They Need Constant Admiration And Love . They Will Constantly Put Others Down For There Own Self Importance.

[@faithfultotheend5202]

OH do i know what you mean i had a boss like that i all most had a nervous breakdown because of him they make you think there some thing wrong with yourself instead of them

[@ggwoman]

@@faithfultotheend5202 I too had a boss like that, and along with her flying monkeys, they did cause me to have a "nervous breakdown" after several years. My doctors were understanding and tried their best to help. Bottom line for anyone in this position is gtfo!

[@tamartabatadze9305]

I was so sirprised, shocked by his blaming me, humilating, , i started to lose my seld esteem , congidence

[@demigaines5644]

Tamar Tabatadze I’m So Very Sorry I Understand

[@demigaines5644]

ggwoman I’m So Very Sorry For Your Pain.😢😢 How R You Doing Know.?

[@suspiciousminds5847]

The narcissist scapegoats you because he wants control over you by pushing the guiltbutton.

[@rogalski86]

Or she......tyvm

[@christopherl67214]

Suspicious Minds EXACTLY THE RELATIONSHIP I WAS IN! I NEVER lied and confessed everything I did wrong! Covert Narcissist is a PATHOLOGICAL LIAR!!

[@muslimwarrior9891]

Bruuhhh tysm I’m freed from the confusion ahahahah

[@barbarabrennan1753]

Free with insults. Humiliates in front of others.

[@rebekahbeare6186]

I have cut most of my family members out of my life for those very reasons. I am not willing to be a scapegoat, and never will. I was the scapegoat in my younger ages, I turned 18 and said no more no thank you. I continue to be me no matter what folks think of me.

[@ezrc9294]

Projection is scary , when it is believed by the covert narcissist and reinforced by her flying monkies with persecution of a single target. SCARY I tell you. You are so correct, they believe you deserve scorn, blame, shame, guilt, persecution, isolation and punishment. Living alone in this when I was younger, I have to tell you - it was a mystery to me what was going on- and it was pure psychological torture.

[@joh37get]

"When there is a collapse, be willing to move on." Thank you, Dr C. I have spent too much time and energy believing the difficulties were my fault .

[@kareltje7211]

A narcisist needs an admirer when things have gone right and they need applause. And they need a scapegoat then things have gone the other way and they need some to put the blame on. It is mine when it is good. It is yours when it is not. simple as that.

[@rocknrollsevildoll]

Oh wow that's exactly what my boss used to do. If something went well he'd take credit. If something went wrong he would say he had no idea why that happened, even if he had explicitly instructed it. We had to start recording video meetings so we could keep a record of his decisions and instructions.

[@jeanneeber]

They have NO HONESTY!

[@aletheiai]

The very existence of the "parentified child" says all one needs to know about their aspiration to maturity.

[@faithfultotheend5202]

You have such a loving way of saying it like a grand father thank you so much for sharing your wisdom

[@Misslotusification]

Or like a father... I'm lucky, Dr. Carter looks just like mine did, which make his appearances even more enjoyable.

[@DevorahTafus]

@@Misslotusification That's weird - he looks just like my father did sometimes too.

[@jareya]

james gilbert I really appreciate this about Dr Carter, you can tell he really cares about his viewers.

[@faithfultotheend5202]

@@jareya indeed

[@enricosanchez894]

I feel he could've played Mike Brady's dad on the Brady Bunch.

[@sandycarlyonroubal4898]

Thank you. When I feel like I’m being too hard on my poor narcissist, I need to hear this. Over and over.

[@brightpage1020]

“They don’t have that kind of honesty” - or insight? Or motivation, or willingness... the message is sinking in. We can’t expect anything from folks they might not be capable of.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Or all the above. Dr. C

[@prescottlady290]

The best armor against falling prey to being scapegoated is to build your own identity. It is up to you to define who you are, so you don't accept the labels that others may try to pin on you. If you are a parent, invest the time in helping your child to realize this concept, telling them about values like integrity and respect, compassion for those less fortunate, and so on. My life has been one of surviving one narcissist after another, and I have invested much time into spiritual growth, Christianity. It is transformative, in every way, helps you rise above the mire of popular opinion, and gives depth and purpose to a life that was once a shambles.

[@stevejohnson747]

Excellent advice

[@naturefleur2062]

1. When possible, speak up 2. When necessary, be decisive ”I’ll stick with my initiatives” 3. When you’re scorned, hold on to your dignity 4. When there is a collapse, be willing to move on “Scapegoaters have poor insight and won’t grow. They don’t have the ability to adjust and shift. You focus on being your healthy individual.”

[@quantumfineartsandfossils2152]

"hold on to your dignity" yes & your excellent reputation :)

[@tonjatucker3534]

I love your down home Texan voice with all your “right to the point” advice, wisdom and knowledge. I lived with a narc. Scapegoat and it was horrible. He blamed everyone else all the time - including me- EXHAUSTING!

[@Miss_Wonderful1]

I so love the way you portray the narcissist; you do make them look like the brats they are. Again, thanks for your videos. I would be here crying my eyes out if it wasn't for them!

[@maryjoliebl7963]

I left my narcissistic husband 4 years ago. I’ve just recently started to be able to educate myself. It took a few years to just be able to breathe. I was punished for 27 years. Thank you! Your videos are helping me come to terms with what I’ve been through. And to stop feeling responsible. My healing has finally started. God bless 🤗

[@grrrr4b]

"Punished" I'm sorry you had this experience, That's how I felt for 34yrs. It was when our oldest daughter who was 13 said to me "dad, I think mom's purpose in life is to make sure you're always miserable, never be happy and not to feel loved". That made me think, it hit so hard coming from my child, I felt ashamed thinking about the toxic environment I kept them in and the negative impacts it's had on their lives. I escaped 2yrs ago, feels like the healing process will never end. Hopefully some day all us survivors will find happiness and know what real love feels like.

[@sonyalynch8032]

Thank you. Seriously. I needed this affirmation today. I’m going to move on about my day and worry about my happiness .

[@brusselsprout5851]

Good luck to you, Sonya.

[@BunnyUK]

I like the simple statement at the beginning, that all humans are flawed. Kind of reminds me of something Winston Churchill said, like "Very few plans survive human contact".

[@Clintthecoolguy]

Great video, as always! To me, the only good thing about being a scapegoat from the original biblical perspective is the scapegoat is the one that literally escapes with his life. It kind of applies to us human survivors too!

[@DevorahTafus]

Never thought of it that way, you're right! Everyone else sacrifices themselves to please the narcissist.

[@Clintthecoolguy]

Devorah T. That’s true too! Best wishes to you :)

[@mday3821]

Great point! It has to be better than a flying monkey.

[@Anchorman0427]

This stuff is gold. It's a very therapeutic was to spend a lunch hour. Watch enough of these and you end up feeling pity for these people despite all the reasons they have given us to hate them. It's actually kind of sad. Bottom line is that these people aren't going to change regardless of the type of narcissist they are so his last point about "when the relationship collapses, walk away" is usually what you end up doing unless there is something that forces this person to be in your life (in-law, hockey parent, co-worker). The out comes the sand box and you don't let them in. It may sting them at 1st to realize they aren't welcome in your life anymore but they will get over it because they are shallow and self absorbed.

[@lissacablerware8475]

Pat Maguire yes

[@godsservant6649]

Thank you, Dr C! You nailed it! My ex of 28 years has turned our 3 adult children against me. He got remarried. I didn’t. Now he is telling our children that the divorce was all my fault. That he didn’t want the divorce when for years he would tell me to “take the kids and get out.” Then when he started becoming more and more angry, raging and rushing at me and told me to “just get the papers done” and I did, he was shocked. He continued the abuse during a 2 year custody battle during which he told an acquaintance that his goal was to leave me bankrupt and homeless with 3 kids to support! Thanks for helping me see that he is not normal and that I am better for having gotten away. Blessings to you and yours. Thank you.

[@odette8905]

One day, I hope your children will listen to your truth and reconsider their decisions. You've done so well to get clear of him. Blessings to you.

[@nancyalywahby2784]

YEAH GOAL to make you bankrupt

[@jassett132]

A narcissist definitely needs a scapeGOAT so they can be a great Wolf in SHEEP clothing!!

[@vadimlevashov3812]

No, this isn't why they need a scapegoat. It is because it's too painful for them admitting their own errors. They're afraid deep inside that one they admit their own badness to themselves they will hate themselves, even to the point of suicide. For their self-esteem is very very low.

[@AZDC99]

@@vadimlevashov3812 sorry but that sounds a bit too rationalizing THEIR MADNESS. Do that nonsense and you'll be like I USED TO BE and putting up with THEM for a few too many months or years. Stop making excuses for them. PULEEZE stop. I'm not buying IT anymore because I used to have to run around my own bullshit excuses I made for them. There's a fine line between being an empath and a DOORMAT!

[@karenzilverberg4699]

Jassett Treasure Stewart - Well stated!

[@karenzilverberg4699]

@@vadimlevashov3812 Same thoughts different words.

[@sugarbum99]

You also have a kind face and probably a kind soul to go with it ❤ thank you

[@Mike-xt2lh]

You're so correct Dr.Carter I've been scapegoated for a very long time from narcissistic childish people who just want to cause havoc in my life . Looking forward to the next premiere .

[@marti-greciaodalyz8786]

so have i! you've said this precisely! "childish" is the keyword!!!

[@Mike-xt2lh]

@@iniubongnkanga9390 Spammer alert block block block Matt Karl's other name . Matt Karl stop following me on every forum I watch .

[@anitazakarian908]

Mike, I was a scapegoated child too, now I am 51. How are you doing these days? Staying strong I hope! ;)

[@karenturner20]

Cutting my head off so you can appear taller doesn't help us grow! I just love your loving approach on this subject...you are you and I am me, if we can't find a way to harmonize with our differences than I am willing to walk away so that we can both be happy and remain ourselves. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong or good or bad, it's about peace. If these Narcs are so unhappy with me and I make there life so miserable then I'll be the bigger person and stop the relationship since they can't seem to do it!!!

[@janiceweed9198]

Karen, this is great!

[@karenturner20]

@Wendy Jones .....correct, let's not walk away mad, let's just walk away agreeing to disagree...they are entitled to their opinion as much as I am entitled to mine......once you know yourself and who you are, nothing else really matters!!! Life is all yours at that point!!!! Go for it, u deserve it!!!!

[@karenturner20]

@Wendy Jones ....sounds to me like there is comparison and competition that you didn't sign up for. Let them be them. They are under no obligation to meet our expectations and we have no obligation to meet theirs. I don't think there is anything wrong with just saying that this friendship isn't working for me but I do appreciate the time we spent together and wish them well. Enjoy your wellness, weight loss journey and freedom in peace. Life's journey is sooo much better and effortless without them in it....sending you much love and light. Warmest regards.

[@karenturner20]

Thank you Janice. Wishing you peace and harmony.

[@c.aamold]

This makes me want to cry, I was feeling good going to my parents and had to be in the car with my mom and I was strong but she guilt tripped me so hard for the choice that she made and blamed it all on me and I froze and didnt get to say what I wanted to, made me feel like all the research and videos ive watched went to waste because i felt powerless right there. Ive been beating myself up so hard the past few days...thank god I clicked on this. Your work has helped me so much, I'll just keep being myself and eventually I'll stand up correctly....because im pretty sure I'll hear it all from her again anyhow.

[@tamigarnerwisnesky9943]

Its not your fault. You said " her discussion !! Remember. Every thing that comes out of her mouth has nothing to do with you, she doesn't want to take responsibility for her wrongs & wants to put them on you. Its hard but just let all her bs go in 1 ear out for good from the other. ❣🐸

[@brightpage1020]

“I don’t know how to introspect.” This explains a lot for me. Thank you!

[@lisaroy551]

I was married 28 years to a scapegoating N; and only when he chose the greatest friend to our marriage, my brother as his target did I finally see him for what he was. Incredibly mean and immature; he gathered his flying monkeys (easy because we owned a business and he had them on payroll) and he built case after case of false accusations. It cost him our marriage and ultimately he ran the business into the ground. I watch these videos because the codependent me was so confused by the manipulative behavior; I wonder how I stayed as long as I did. It blew up when our youngest went to college, and I stopped wearing an agreeable mask. When I stopped allowing him to see himself as superior; I became the loathed one. How magnificent life is outside that toxicity! I have been gone 16 blissful years.

[@Tiamoya23]

"Make sure you get the name right..." love that ;)

[@a.y.7738]

So true this is, no personal responsibility, they do have an image to uphold so you are the scapegoat.

[@dinky-diridgy-didge636]

Anyone raised on survival mode is going to see things differently to those raised on love. In the end it comes down to the individual of how they choose to behave. Almost everything is a choice.

[@constancebarrett1398]

They definitely don't want to talk it out. I do what my diginity and be respectful. I try not to raise my voice. And one thing I felt guilty about doing that. I will be respectful. And not let them control my response.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes! Dr. C

[@tonyvass8143]

They will never take responsibility, once your out of their control and can think freely you will look at all of the times they projected their own shame onto you, as hard as it is walk away.. thanks Dr C

[@lifeisbeautiful5559]

Loved what you said about if someone is intent on blaming/scapegoating you...make sure they spell your name right! Hah! That typifies letting their “stuff” roll off of you like water on a duck’s back. I like your pluck Dr. Carter without minimizing the devastation these people cause their friends and loved ones your talks are peppered with humor and levity. It makes working through this slosh of the aftermath more tolerable. For me at least I’m likely to remember a good point punctuated by kindness and humor. Thanks so much!

[@LG-kx8xl]

All true! They are sad individuals who are never really happy unless they can control everything & of course thats not possible all the time. What does amaze me is they hate people who can find joy in some things even when all is not good because we learn how to cope with life's ups & downs and they think we're stupid for the ability to be happy despite challenges.

[@RippleDrop.]

They scapegoat because their *greatest* weapon is your uncertainty of who you are.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It's a clear form of gaslighting! Dr. C

[@scottalbers2518]

Very helpful video. Crisis Reveals Character. 1. Who do I blame? (Flying Monkees will be added to the mix.) 2. You deserve shame, derision, humiliation in front of a public watching, etc. 3. Projection ... they see the flaws of themselves in you 4. "I have an image to uphold" Can't admit flaws. As others see your negatives, they won't see mine. 5. Childlike approach to life. 5a. Speak up. 5b. Be decisive. 5c. When scorned, hold on to your dignity. 5d. When there is a collapse, MOVE ON.

[@victoriapierscinski4529]

As always spot on and illuminating! I love your “take the high road” approach to life. Grateful for all your wise words❤️

[@karenzilverberg4699]

Victoria Pierscinski - Well stated.

[@bumblebeethoughts9753]

Sooooooo well stated!!!!! I fail miserably so many times. When it comes to the high road. I practiced the high road quietness for over a decade now. I LOVE YOUR COMMENT! You reminded me that I’ve fallen off of that road.... the “high” one!!!! THANK YOU! I’ve become so defeated I started to emulate my narc just to “pretend” or “think” I was making ground. I’ve been failing miserably. Losing myself. Thank you!!!! I hope you are well.

[@yvonnemariehorvatr.h.n.nut3315]

honestly. it is hard to swallow how you get trapped with being a relationship wuth a narrastic person. The healing is difficult 😪 because they need to be honest and fess up. Which of course is not likely to have happen

[@marywilsonvocalist2181]

@@bumblebeethoughts9753 I'm giggling at the competitive response...ha ha don't wear that hat!!

[@bonnieforman9700]

Dr. Carter, are you sure this isn't a comedy show? "What loser is responsible for this set of circumstances?" LOL What a riot! But, you're right. That is how the narc thinks because that is usually the outcome. Someone else is to blame for the narcissist's bad behavior. When their shame comes up, which is rare, instead of acknowledging that they should be shame-ridden, they project it onto someone else. In my family, I was somehow responsible for my parents sex addiction, exhibitionism, drunkenness, even though I don't drink at all. The whole family scapegoated me. Easy to do because I was the most compliant, kind and easy going. I love the way you express the narcissist's thoughts. Comedy heals; that's why I watch you.

[@missstacey2946]

Thank you so much for making these videos. It helps so much, cant express it.

[@Dastardly_X]

🌟

[@karenzilverberg4699]

Miss Stacy - Well stated.

[@broGabiza]

Great advice Doc! I had this same problem when I ended up in a divorce with a narc. I was the bad individual who deserved to be ostracised. When I was being called all sorts of names , I just left it to God and focused on myself. It was not easy because I lost a lot of friends in the process.

[@akint29]

You actually had friends? By the time I realized what I was dealing with, not many friends left.... to busy catering to this person's every need!

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

@Maren G 👍👍👍👍 absolutely!

[@anitazakarian908]

This is what I am doing doing..handing it ALL over to GOD and asking for grace to lean forward and be the most loving and best ME ever.

[@uyoebyik]

As the scapegoat, you never get any answers from your abusive family

[@makesnodifference]

But getting answers from Dr. Carter counts

[@melianelson9036]

We are nothing more than their TOOL!

[@manmanman4825]

So much wisdom and insight condensed into so litte time. Wonderful. Thank you!

[@jodie3671]

He blamed me for being too emotional, demanding and impulsive. Projecting all his flaws on me. His inability to understand anothers emotions or show empathy, was very painful. They simply cannot handle normal human emotions. They have an inept ability to handle conflict. Conflict even the slightest form causes them to stonewall or gaslight or behave passive aggressive. And yeah, they simply cannot talk things through or find common ground, because they have to be one up and always need to be in control. Truly sad and miserable individuals who will end up single and lonely.

[@kellyleighread807]

"Having imperfections is not my imagine". My narcsissist abusive ex husband was this. He took my energy, my love, my pleasure & threw it & me away.

[@joanneschultz5297]

l have been with a narcissist for 14 years & he never blames himself, always my fault. He is proud of it.

[@AZDC99]

10:30 "Therefore the scapegoater is going to DEMEAN YOU, and therefore elevate themselves. That's poor mathematics, isn't?!" Plus one!!

[@mollylarkins7075]

My favorite way of dealing with this is just pretending like you didn’t hear or understand anything outside of being your own happy person. It’s just an irritating and uncomfortable place you put the people that are in need of a scapegoat. It’s a place that they are in constantly. It’s not you.

[@tomekamontegue5122]

Hello, this was my exact message for the day! I needed those words and they resonated all through my soul. The narcissist is in “punishment “ mode bc I’m standing up for myself. I haven’t come down off my decision and they aren’t use to that. They are use to me humbling myself, apologizing for whatever and, trying to make them happy again. But I’ve realized that I never get what I need in that deal. So last night I was awakened at 230am and could not get back to sleep. My thoughts were that maybe I should just call them and see if we can just forget all this and make our situation work. But even as I thought that I fought it at the same time and I didn’t give in! Then, this morning seeking out some encouragement and strength I saw this video!!! Dr. Les YOU are my guardian angel!! I felt like you had sat me down, held my hand and built me back up!! I’m so grateful for these videos. Everything you said is true and this has been my life with the narcissist for over 20 years. I love myself, I do love who I am. I am a great person and an AMAZING WOMAN who deserves good things and fair treatment. That’s what I’m standing by. No matter what I’m not going to cave in under pressure to this person. If I have to leave with nothing I’ll be proud to be holding on to my dignity and self worthiness. Thank you Dr. Les I appreciate you so much.

[@Suzu52]

We all deserve the best, on OUR terms.

[@badomaji]

Tomeka Montegue Stay strong. You deserve the love and kindness you give out in return. 🍀

[@tomekamontegue5122]

Bado Maji Thank you 🙏🏽

[@christopherduggan6272]

absolute facts in this episode, can't even put into words how accurate you describe the situation I have dealt with in the past.

[@anitazakarian908]

I feel like DR Carter was a observer in my own NARC chaos..because he gets all the mess of it, down to how they have disdain for us and devalue us and are dismissive, gas light us, scape goat, ridicule us like we are utter idiots, control and use household funds abusively, On and ON DR Carter gets it and he is clear and clean with explaining it all. It is so deeply healing! Someone said DR Carter has a PhD, I say who cares about that... sorry but my NARC DAD grad from DUKE with a PhD so it takes more then a PhD to get it right, and DR Carter LOVES PEOPLE that is why he gets it RIGHT! I am forever grateful and he and Laura can wear my crown as well as their own in heaven! Sometimes people are gifts from GOD!

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

Thank you for your videos, Dr. Carter (and Laura)! You’ll never believe how i came across your channel. My narcissistic husband (separated for two and 1/2 years now and at a stage of semi- no contact- if there is such a thing.) Yes indeed... we had to meet to make a decision concerning one of our children and i asked how he had been. He told me he found your station and “very much appreciated” the helpful information you gave. He said you highly suggested the narcissist have an accountability partner (which i immediately thought might have been BS as I’ve told him time and time again he doesn’t need an accountability partner when it comes to certain behaviors in life but that he simply need to be respectful of me and his children!) He made it sound like your channel was specifically to “help the narcissist change their behaviors.” I couldn’t wait to get home to look up your channel! After having recently traveled to and from the state of IN and FL to deliver one of my kids to college, i think I’ve listened to almost all of your videos. It’s confirmed my narcissistic husband is “full of it.” But wow... the encouragement i gained from the two of you on that road trip, as well as the confirmations and new knowledge... invaluable! Thank you!

[@RioMissPam]

Thank you, Dr. Carter. I highly recommend your book, "When Pleasing You is Killing Me". I pray and am taking time to go through your book, answer questions, write notes, etc. I'm learning a lot; in both areas, where I need help and confidence in myself and that I've grown past a lot of the people-pleasing tendencies that I used to burden myself. Thank you again for your help for us all that want to learn.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm glad you're answering the questions at the end of the chapters. I put them there so the info could become more personalized. Good luck moving forward! Dr. C

[@sherrim4067]

I agree it's a terrific read.

[@twopurringcats]

My parents made me their scapegoat all of my life. They took turns verbally beating me up every day. At 12, I was told by a therapist that I shouldn't listen to them and that it was best to not respond because I'd be attacked for whatever I said (exactly). Throughout the years I stayed in therapy and endured their endless put downs until I moved far away to escape them. Mom called and dished abuse until I finally stopped taking her calls. When I moved back to my hometown, they resumed their garbage but I went no contact. They only got more angry, vicious and scapegoating/trying to make their friends hate me and comparing me to people (with myself as the "loser", if course). I have a good life, home and job. People respect me. I finally let go because it was too much. Word to the wise..narcs don't care what you say or think. And they get worse in time.

[@kareltje7211]

i admire you for enduring all their BS and at the same time keeping yourself sane and on the right track.

[@twopurringcats]

@@kareltje7211 Thank you. :) It's been a long journey but I've learned a lot to help myself in the process.

[@clarekuehn4372]

They need to express, fully honestly, their blame: a massive rage, with talking blame or rage, unending. They're not honest about it, except their rage. You're right.

[@nancylenander5646]

You are so good! Thank you for what you do. Wish I had had your videos early in life. Maybe I wouldn't have married not one but two Narcissists.

[@stefaandecroo6774]

Dear DR. Carter, You did it again. Priceless information as always. Thank You Very Much. With Love and Gratitude. Looking forward for the next insightfull video.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Received, and thanks! Dr. C

[@stefaandecroo6774]

@@SurvivingNarcissism All Pleasure Is Mine. Thank You Sir.

[@impactajuvenile]

Focus on those that love you and are honest with you. Don’t spend your precious life and it’s time on those who don’t love or have the ability to love and support you.

[@sallylee4647]

Amazing. Thank you. I was married to this person. He pinned things on me and our son. He never made a mistake. If something was lost it wasn't his fault even though when he was done with a project, he never put away the tools. It was like the lower slaves=us=cleaned up after him. Made me look bad in front of the kids and behind my back. So ugly and abusive especially to me and especially to my son behind MY back. Such a monster.

[@debbiecarson6958]

He’s Aware He’s Being Evaluated Now He’s Answering Me , Still Evasive Though , Wasn’t To Happy About Me Seeking Advice 🕊

[@kathypaquette9116]

I was the golden child but somehow am the scapegoat now. I suppose i was for awhile just didn’t understand these roles. I am 59 and breaking ties from a narcassist Mother. I love her dearly but she hurts so much. I can no longer bounce back & forth. Getting too old. Pray I survive the healing. Its very difficult.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

As you mature and as you see through the narcissist's immaturity, the roles change. That's what happened with you. It's actually a compliment to you, but it's still wearisome. Dr. C

[@mdee860]

Again my profuse thanks, Dr. Carter. I have finally (hopefully) learned that it is simply a waste of my time to TRY to have an honest, warm, empathetic, rational, human relationship with this type of damaged person. The cost & collateral damage to the 'self' is enormous. The only way forward is to say good-bye to your narcassist, be it a spouse, partner or sibling, etc., & mean it! When you finally come to that realization or epiphany, it is a blessed moment. You can now start to detach from the scorn, rage, belittlement, yelling, etc. and know that you don't deserve to be treated this way. I am not physically free yet, but in my mind...I am there! However, I am flawed & once in awhile, I can still find myself being drawn into the crazy rollercoaster ride, but am doing well with the observe, don't absorb method.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Well, we're each flawed, but you ( and I hope plenty more in the SN community) are like you, trying to raise our averages! Dr. C

[@michaelyiannett4515]

Thank you. I have very few mentors in the real world so I appreciate your work.

[@ericherman5413]

Thank you for these. I'm no longer married to the narcissist in my former life but there is still a lot of learning to do as I continue to heal. These videos do help.

[@andrearush6209]

Meeting with N#1 for the first time since finding your videos. So many life long questions answered and much insight gained. Words cannot express my gratitude. Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, and good luck working it out. Boundaries is the word for the day! Dr. C

[@misscboogie]

I am impressed that you can consistently produce such high quality videos. I learn something new every time that I listen to you! Thank you!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Pleased! Dr. C

[@magicunicorn6535]

"I have an image to uphold". Man, you just described the narcissist leader of my group to a T. He has scapegoated so many of his loyal group members, and so many have left the group, that he now mostly has just newcomers as his followers. They're SO new, and SO inept, they don't even begin to qualify as flying monkeys. Most have joined this group because of COVID boredom, and most of those will likely leave forever once the pandemic has ended. I've got my popcorn ready for that.

[@wendymcleod9766]

It’s so hard when you have lost all dignity, pride and self worth. I’m thankful for your uploads to help understand and take my responsibility but not my narcs also.

[@marywolf9900]

I am the scapegoat at my work...we are cashiers in a hospital cafeteria and unfortunately have to work side by side everyday...my narc spends so much time trying to act like she is everyone's best friend while treating me like shit...I am over it...I Love to watch your videos because I can see that she is a Narc..or Bully as I never knew what a Narc was...she is mean and jealous and sneaky and pulls people away from me..have told my Boss but they said oh Just get along...I prefer to be on a friendly but professional term with our customers as most are nurses and doctors or visitors dealing with loved ones who are pretty sick...while my Narc is cracking lewd jokes and guffaws..makes me wonder why she gets away with it...Thank you for making these videos...I am learning how to set boundaries..keep my Cool...and hopefully protect myself and my job from this Narc of mine.

[@zamyrabyrd]

Dr. Carter, I really enjoy your talks. They are sensible and helpful. A dysfunctional family gets to decide who is going to eat dirt for the privilege of having a relationship with them. If you baulk, you can become after your career as a scapegoat, a non-person. This also happened to me in two institutions, one where I was learning many years ago and where I was teaching. I thought it was strange that my name started not appearing in publications denying the connection to my own music students. Not to give too many details, they were of a medieval eccelsiastical mentality. They give themselves the option to zap you out of existence, like going down the memory hole in the novel, "1984". I am of course out of the loop of communication with my family, only getting emails the day after when my father died in 2005, a phone call from a cousin the day after my sister suddenly collapsed in 2006 and recently an email from another cousin that my mother died the day before. I guess I should be lucky as a non-person, I get that much!

[@s.hicks7213]

You’re such a delight and breath of fresh air Dr. C! 🙂 thank you so much for your honesty and caring nature. It means a lot to people. Go team healthy-dignity, civility, & respect is where it’s at, and don’t anyone forget you deserve it, along with everyone else! 💐

[@IsadoraDoll22]

Dr. Carter, why is it so that we seem to collect people like this anyplace we go? Whether it’s sentimentally, at work, co-workers, bosses, admirers .... I am really asking myself: is there something in me, some qualities that trigger other people’s insecurities and after a while they cannot bear to have me close to them and they need to destroy or manipulate me? I seem to end up pulling out narcissistic and slightly sadistic tendencies from way too many people. Fortunately not from all, I have also a majority of GREAT relationships. But the number of sick people seems also very high. Why do some of us attract this like flowers attract bees?

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Make sure you watch the video, Are You A Narcissist Magnet? Dr. C

[@IsadoraDoll22]

Surviving Narcissism thank You, very useful!

[@Goosegirl]

Just dealt with an episode of this, and thanks to you I was able to conduct myself with dignity and civility. That seemed to trigger him more. It’s clear there is no future, and it’s a relief, even if I will miss the friendship (not sure if any of it was real though) I thank God for keeping me from this person and making a terrible mistake, and I’m thankful for your videos educating me on narcissists and how to conduct myself.

[@makesnodifference]

W000000T for a dodged bullet!

[@MelodyLovesMusic]

You're the best, excellent description of a narcissist's behavior, always excellent advice, thank you.

[@avril4421]

You hit another nail on the head about four minutes in. My N always was ‘going to GET’ someone to fix things for him, never, ever, ask, them for help. And his out of the blue insults aimed at me were horrible, the worst being ‘every word you say drips poison’. . Don’t know what I’d said or done, I’d just flown 13,000 miles to care for him after a multiple bypass. I put it down to the effect of the anaesthetics , but things never worked well after that because I lost trust. His eldest daughter is his willing flying monkey, he’s ruled her for years. He and I have now parted, cold turkey, and I’m dealing with it thanks to your help. I’m surprised that 5he majority of listeners don’t fall 8n love with you 😃 and Gus, of course. Thank you so much.

[@sage9836]

Dr. C has a way of talking about these things that makes me not feel like being a jerk in return, which is what the narc wants you to do. That said, I want to share the silly rhyme kids said when called names: "I'm rubber, and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!" I mean, you'd get nowhere saying that to a narc, but it's a funny thought. Logically, they have an awareness of their faults since it is those exact items they project. If they could own that knowledge, wow. What an insightful person a narc could become. Also, I didn't realize until seeing the title of this video that there is a connection between scapegoating and projection. Eager to learn!

[@missstacey2946]

Said so well.

[@joec1212]

If narcissists spent one fourth of the time trying to be a good person that they spend trying to be in control and manipulate they would be the second coming of ghandi.

[@sideswiped6874]

some times the narcissist will tell about him self, but you have to recognize it. my brother once told me he had a hard time understanding who he is, he said he had a hard time "understanding why his consciousness was in this body"

[@caroladderley5818]

That’s so funny, I was taking of exactly that rhyme in relation to someone with strong narcissist tendencies.

[@anitazakarian908]

So, Is scapegoating the outcome of projection and that person was just the NARC target?

[@starlightsky655]

Feel tormented when I’m around them and such a relief when they’re not. I’ve gone no contact for now and I feel like I’m on holiday. I know I have to deal with this person at some point but is very difficult as they can’t take input, it becomes so frustrating I just want to get out of there and run for my life! 🙁

[@mrdennis1038]

For us who are trying to live a better life, including having healthier relationships, I think these videos are so instrumental. I watch them often and share them with friends and we discuss them and support each other. There's something to be said that Dr. Carter mentioned in passing but I think it's huge: we all have worth. We are born with dignity and that is, more and more, understood to be a human right. It's of such importance that even lots of countries have it in their constitutions. I do think that the challenge for narcissists, among the several they have, is that there is not a recognition of humanity in others. I do think we all "make miscalculations". It's part of the human condition. I believe most people do not wake up in the morning with the intention to hurt others unless they themselves are hurting. This brings me to another point Dr. Carter alluded to: staying with my "initiatives" or enforcing loving boundaries is part of honoring dignity in both ourselves and even in other people. Recognizing someone's inherent worth and enforcing loving boundaries are radical acts that have the power to make our goal of connecting with others in a healthy way a viable reality.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Great thoughts! Dr. C

[@TerryManlove1]

Thanks for your teaching. You do a wonderful job by promoting healthy lifestyles.

[@missstacey2946]

Rarely I seem to be firmly grounded and comfortable with where I am, is it one step forward, then some regression, getting free of all of this? Love it when the light shines through, mostly, though, seems seems I'm in a pit.

[@zamyrabyrd]

Exactly the way I feel most of the time. But WE CAN OVERCOME!!!

[@loripeters5304]

Knowledge is power. You will get your footing, and you will be able to climb out of the pit. It takes time. You are retraining your brain. Stay tuned into Dr Carter. You will be amazed at how quickly you will grow. God bless you.

[@fjaril57vlinder70]

Thank you dr. Carter, for your videos about narcissism. You really helped me after I found out my friend since decades, started to scapegoat me the past few years. The more and more she started blaming, shaming and humiliating me, showing arrogant behaviour and distrust. She ended our relation by social media and did not want to talk face to face, about how to go on as two longtime friends, equally and in a respectful way. All she texted, was that she could no longer bear to have me nearby because I gave her the creeps. She left me behind with guild, sorrow, disappointment and disbelief. While I was always there for her when she was in trouble. Listening to your stories, made me realize she has a narcistic personality disorder. I am not to blame like all the others she broke up with. Actually, I was the last real and loyal friend she had. But for people like her, that does not count. Life is better now without her and I enjoy life again with my family and other friends.

[@deborahtheredbrickchick468]

I used to refer to myself as ‘the black goat’ of the family. Nailed it Dr. Carter. I love you x

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

In many circles, GOAT stands for greatest of all time. Let's jump on that! Dr. C

[@sanderossi8013]

I live with one and have four young kids :( :( :( the level of verbal aggression is insane. Screaming. Yelling. Putting me down. Talking bad about me in front of the kids. Just insane how bad people can be and the fact that I am with this person for over ten years and all this time I brainwashed myself she’d grow up, makes me even more sad. I am totally not perfect. But this...noone deserves.