90 Day Fiancé - (Kalani & Asuelu #10) - Responsibility - Therapist Reacts

[@flourpolyester201]

Dr. Honda, you have absolutely been a mentor to me. I discovered your channel 8 months ago, and that was a critical time for me because I was going through a huge conflict with my boyfriend. It was early in the relationship and my previous experience has always led to me ending the relationship when the first major conflict comes along. We ended up resolving our issues and I owe my ability to communicate effectively what I really wanted to say to you. I sometimes just straight up watched a video by you, felt inspired to share a similar feeling with my boyfriend, and texted him almost word for word what you said! And it helped. Whenever I’m called to action, I google a template, a template for emails, cards, etc. You gave me a template for how to apologize, be assertive, and helped correct the ideas that I had. I never had a good example growing up, my parents are divorced. I learnt how to act in relationships from social media and trial and error in toxic relationships. You gave me my first real healthy example. Thank you!

[@TheDragonfan44]

Same! I actually use his tips on my relationships and it helps so much. Its good knowing how to apologize, be assertive and be vulnerable.

[@lilacscentedfushias1852]

I’m glad to read it’s going better for you both x

[@rabbitwho]

it is also very down to you, don't give all the credit to Dr. Honda. sometimes I am trying to use Dr. Honda's tips but it comes out like: I AM TRYING TO REASSURE YOU AND COMFORT YOU BECAUSE I SEE YOU ARE HURTING WHY WON'T YOU LET ME F***ING MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER! IT IS VERY HEALTHY THAT I AM TOUCHING YOUR ARM RIGHT NOW THAT IS A VERY HEALTHY IMPULSE

[@sarah3796]

I love the way Dr Honda seeing things. He is so kind and wise

[@Tiger-Lilly]

Isn't he! He is in the perfect profession. We need more providers like him.

[@ifjc7216]

💞

[@Diana-rx7bu]

I'm also a therapist and see things similar to how he sees things. It gets me in some trouble in my daily life every now and then because people think I'm giving excuses for others by understanding why they have certain behaviors. I would love for him to do a separate video on that subject.

[@bricksfeathers5423]

Jerry Maguire: "You complete me." Asuelu Pulaa: "I want you to be my bus driver."

[@s.melonita4454]

🤣 🤣 🤣

[@lagomorph770]

Can't wait to see Dr Honda cover the episodes with Aseulu's mom & sister!

[@bashmeesh]

Yall been hyping it up so much, I'm sooooo curious lol, can't wait!!!

[@TharraG]

I know I’m going to SCREAM 😂😭😂😭😂😭😂😭😂😭

[@katerineella274]

Several Yikes! in that episode.

[@lilacscentedfushias1852]

Can you remember the long ‘kiss’ and hug with his mom? I always wondered if she was whispering things to him, like they better have brought her money.

[@ginntastic]

Whenever I feel myself getting upset and in a disagreement with my husband I start to think what would Dr. Honda think if he saw this fight going on. He has made me a better communicator and has helped me really think about what the actual issue is.

[@mrsa6925]

Ditto!

[@digitalpenwithlenanderin]

DR Honda as made me a better person

[@chcx5275]

Me too! I am very quick to speak down to my boyfriend and I’ve realised via dr Honda it’s from my past bullying experiences and childhood I constantly am on ‘defence’ mode around those I love. Glad you’re doing well 😊

[@toocutepuppies6535]

If he didn't grow up with a father in a male dominated culture its possible he's always been "babied" and never asked to even be a man. I like her dad because I think he's providing the mentoring Asuela needs.

[@AprilT72]

I love that Dr honda continues to emphasise that not everyone is gaslighting, a narcissist or a sociopath. it's so annoying that everyone continues to say that all of the time.

[@PlsWaLuigiDomMe]

gaslight, girlboss, gatekeep

[@baintreachas]

@@PlsWaLuigiDomMe the three genders

[@marsukarhu9477]

Thanks for watching all this mess with such empathy. It has truly opened my eyes and made me look at my family and past relationships with more understanding. Still not using your videos as therapy, but as an autopsy.

[@Amber-oc9ih]

autopsy's a great word for it, I feel like I'm beginning to see my past from a whole new perspective.

[@hl91666]

I love when I finish on of your videos and another one has already been freshly uploaded LOL

[@OopsAllTism]

the spaceship analogy with “Where do I put my hands” is perfect because during apologies I also wonder where to put my hands

[@thelucywho3983]

No one has ever sat me down and explained how to apologize and why it's soo important. What I learned from Dr. Honda: Step 1: I'm sorry Step 2: I did/said this and it made you feel ... Step 3: I did/said that because... and I shouldn't have Step 4: This is what I learned from the issue, and this is how I will make sure it won't happen again Step 5: I'm sorry Step 6: Can you forgive me Then, depending on the severity of the issue, more "I'm sorry" until trust is rebuilt. Could take days, weeks, years but it's worth it if you care about the person.

[@rabbitwho]

Me: I'm sorry I laughed when you said that and made you feel silly, I did that because.. Them: That's ok man ME: I'M NOT FINISHED. SHUT UP AND LISTEN.

[@sarahp8937]

I hope Kalani and Asuelu can see these videos and get the help they need

[@norbertavecchio1996]

"willpower doesn't exist" my mind is blown. Do you have a deep-dive or other resources to expand on this idea? I thought the reason that I'm unsuccessful in life is because I'm lazy and lack willpower. The idea that there's another way is both exciting and scary.

[@bashmeesh]

Yes, help doc lol. Same thoughts for me.

[@TheGamingFilly]

I'm not familiar on resources on the specific topic of willpower, but since you mentioned it, there have been many articles written on the construct of laziness. If you Google "laziness doesn't exist" you will find a lot of stuff on the subject

[@noem.7430]

hi i just read this comment (im binging the videos) and i just wanted to share my experience: Im a very self teach person, in fact i learned english all by myself (im from argentina) and in my experience to achive something you need first a goal, then a plan and a schelude. After that it comes the will power to follow the schelude. For example: i want to be healthy is the goal, the plan is doing excercise and eating healthy foods and the schelude is i go to the gym 3 days a week and i follow the diet that a doctor made for me. With that you need the will power to really do those things and you will achieve your goal.

[@therabbithat]

@@noem.7430 yeah but that makes no sense. What is "willpower"? You could replace that word with "magic" and it would be about as helpful. You can't just say hey presto, willpower! Willpower is like "luck" and "magic" and "the ether" words that act as placeholders for complicated things we don't understand Also well done on learning perfect English 😎 I taught myself Spanish but it's advanced, not perfect

[@minski226]

I have to say that these videos and your sound analysis has made this pandemic a bit more tolerable. I have just gone through a loss and an end to a romantic relationship. These videos are a great break of thoughts for me. Thank you!

[@lucylohan8894]

Just patiently waiting for Dr. Honda to witness the sister and mom.

[@shelleypasini2463]

Me too! I think they'll help explain why Asuelu is the way he is

[@TharraG]

I don’t like that he’s able to express himself easily with other people (example: with producers for his confessionals) but with Kalani it’s a polar 180. He’s not incompetent at all. He seems to have behavioral issues. Anger issues and that’s what clouds his judgement. Not the fact that he doesn’t understand how to translate his words to English. There’s an episode later where it shows this PERFECTLY. I can’t wait for you to cover it! He walks off saying minimal but then when producers chased him down he explained exactly why he was leaving and what the problem was. I was like WOW you couldn’t just tell your woman that and stop running away from your problems ... 😫 LOVE YOUR VIDEOS AND INSIGHT TREMENDOUSLY! ❤️ White knuckling. I never knew the name for that action!!! But it’s so common!!!!! It’s like a temporary fix to not do the FULL work.

[@angelkaterose]

Often our issues predominantly emmerge in our behaviour with our partner. :(

[@TharraG]

@@angelkaterose yes I agree.

[@pinkpugginz]

👏👏👏👏👏 he knows the min that he starts acting up, Kalani goes into "mom mode" and starts babying him and talking to him simply and absorbing all the aggression and then he gets out of it. I agree he has anger issues and knows that he is getting away with behaviors

[@TharraG]

@@pinkpugginz right it’s really concerning because it’s like a pick and choose for him. He’s capable of working on those things but he lacks the maturity level I think. Just very frustrating. The babies are adorable 😫

[@PlsWaLuigiDomMe]

thats just misogyny. Lots of men are like that

[@zcb477]

Re: mentorship - I'm glad I'm not the only person who actively asks my therapist to help with situations or ask "well what would you do?" or "what was your experience?" or "how would you take that?" I guess I'm not looking for validation many times as much as help or strategies to improve, but then again, I'm probably on the spectrum and also didn't have good role models growing up.

[@BetterDays_]

I SO love Kalani's dad!!! 🙌

[@snoox27]

Hes the best

[@angelalurtz3638]

You really got my gears turning with this one, doc! Specifically, when you mentioned that people on this show don't tend to delve into "why did I make this mistake?" I started thinking back to mistakes made by people around me (like my parents, because they actually had some situations where I got to see the full cycle of mistake > apology > aftermath play out), and the way I approached my own mistakes before undergoing therapy myself. I don't EVER remember seeing any evidence of people working through WHY they made a mistake. Granted, there is a lot that happened internally or behind closed doors, but when it comes to what was talked about and what I was ever directly taught, that concept was not featured. I was taught to admit if I made a mistake; I was taught to consider why it WAS a mistake; but nobody ever asked me or modeled asking WHY did I make the mistake. This was a question I had to learn to consider in therapy... I wonder if that's common or not

[@kjm5980]

I'm so glad you talked about the mentorship aspect to therapy! I have learned so much from you and my own therapist about how to have a healthy interaction. My family never really yelled growing up, we'd just go silent. That became my MO in adulthood as well. So when I had conflict in my relationships, I literally didn't know what else to do other than give the silent treatment, knowing how much it hurt. Having you and my therapist demonstrate how to have that positive interaction really helped me to do it myself!

[@angelaonly7983]

Oh, Dr Honda, how your reason soothes me. Thank you!

[@ewy3998]

I think he is emotionally scared from his family (you will see later why)..

[@teddytwoguns2846]

I've always liked him and then I saw his family and I understood completely why the way he is. Plenty of American young men are the same way though same mentality but I also think he's got a lot more potential than mom and sister ever had. But I'm not a licensed therapist just a watcher of civilians

[@avaannie3906]

Agreed that’s a giant hot mess!

[@Erigato2010]

@@avaannie3906 isn’t there like something involving money with his mom and sister? I just remember something there did not sit right with me

[@avaannie3906]

@@Erigato2010 Yes big time! His mom demands $1000 when they come to visit and there is a ton of drama around that since they don’t have $1000 to give her. Dr. Honda should be getting to it very soon as it’s this season he’s reviewing. Can’t wait for his reaction to that one! Lol

[@amberriley7633]

'I want you to be the driver of my bus.' Why did this make me smile so much, haha such a cute statement from him.

[@JulesA5266]

I love watching Dr K’s videos so that I can learn all these role play things. I’ve been a lot better at my communication thanks to practicing some of the things that Dr K has role played. Keep it up, Dr K!

[@sarabobara8458]

remember the scene Dr. Kirk saw of Asuelu before he was reacting to them, the one at the tell all where he is super worked up.

[@feedyourhead731]

Can you cover showtimes couple's therapy again? So interesting!

[@adkjani1]

It drives me nuts on this show when they make the international people speak in English. It would be much more informative to have the dad and Asuelo speak in Samoan with English subtitles. Making them speak English really cheapens the content.

[@jessk457]

I really appreciate you Dr Honda! I do use these videos to learn more about healthy communicatuon and conflict resolution. To be honest I haven't dated in a long time because I didnt know how to have a healthy relationship. But I feel like I have learnt a lot from your videos and it gives me confidence.

[@cupcakecrazy02]

I like your comment 3 minutes in. Even if he is capable, do you think that HE thinks he's incompetent/incapable? Also, he might act like a child because he was mistreated when he was young, and found this strong, lovely lady who can somewhat be a parent to him?

[@lisas7111]

I totally understand when you sayed he may not really know how to talk to kalani. My parent as they were angry with each other they just ignored each other for days and then after 1 week acted as nothing happend... and I do the same some times until I become aware and ask my husband if he is ready to talk about what happened...

[@awkwardlyawesome00]

Never seen Dr. Kirk make these face expression while reacting to the other couples 😂

[@jupiterbacchus4223]

The thumbnail looks like a scene from Forrest Gump, I really thought you were covering the movie lol

[@qwandary]

My apologises have the following: 1) I directly say sorry, 2) I acknowledge what I did, 3) I acknowledge the impact of it 4) I state what I can do the improve it in the future And sometimes 5) I explain why I did it; it's not always needed though. I'm an oversharer so I have to be careful I make sure I don't do this too soon and get hyperfocused on it. I also try to read if the person needs an explanation, sometimes they don't. I only accept apologises as genuine if they do the first 4 at least. Most people only do step 1 and 5, emphasis on 5..

[@diaryofanotdgirl]

I think a lot of his behaviour stems from his childhood and the way his mother and sister treated him. As time goes on you’ll be able to see how he is like this.

[@amberlytheharpyqueen]

Dr Honda I think when you see his family a lot will become more clear as to why he is the way he is

[@laurar550]

These particular reviews have been really emotionally heavy for me since I see some familiar things. However, when Dr. Honda mentioned a sports team using will power and white-knuckling it to win their games I couldn’t help but laugh and wonder if he has ever watched the Dallas Cowboys 😂 I’m a life-long dedicated fan but it seems like this is their game plan literally every week.

[@samholthe6053]

I hope so much that you will go back and finish the Plathville videos!!

[@Doreana48501]

I believe Asuelu is realizing he is in over head as a husband and father so he's acting out not knowing what else to do. Maybe Asuelu's fatherinlaw being born and raised on the same island as Asuelu could step up on a daily basis to teach Asuelu how to act as a Mature 13 year old which may be the most Kalani can hope for. I mean what else can be done for this manboy which is not his fault really. How does one change from a 13 year old brain to a 30 year old brain...thanks Doc.

[@snoox27]

I wish Dr H covered more of Lo, hes one of the best parents ive seen.

[@kokolatte825]

The Samoan dad who's prejudiced against Samoans is one of the best parents you've seen?

[@FabiolaRVela]

@@kokolatte825 see, I don’t think he is prejudiced of Samoans, but of some aspects of the Samoan culture , example would be Asuelus misogynistic attitudes, he probably didn’t want his daughters to deal with that and he knew that’s how it is over there I guess, so he said he didn’t want them to marry Samoans.I feel this way about my own culture( I’m Mexican) , love the people and traditions but hate lots of the negative cultural aspects and customs that come with it. Lots of very antiquated stuff.

[@snoox27]

@@FabiolaRVela when you know better you do better. Thank you for your reply spot on. Hes supportive of his daughter 100%.

[@kokolatte825]

@@FabiolaRVela every single culture in the world has positive and negative aspects. I have yet to encounter a 100% positive culture. The important thing in life, I think is to not judge people based solely on their culture and take people for who they individually are. I think to generalize one culture in a negative way teeters on racism. I personally have no respect for Lo.

[@nicolesteele6000]

Just FYI. I only see 6 episodes on the Kalani and Asuelu Playlist. The last few aren't on there.

[@jasonrhodes5988]

Dr Honda speaks common sense, he also knows there's no way asuelu will never change, theorpy never works if you don't work at it and asuelu doesn't have it and if not careful the children will turn out like asuelu.

[@annadau8612]

I don't think that he wasn't raised in a healthy and loving home where he was respected, loved, safe and appreciated by his parents. He is fully capable of expressing his feelings and thoughts in a compassionate and genuine manner to his wife. His minimal apologies only give her false hope and false security but also neglecting trying to be a better husband and father to his two kiddos. I wonder how much longer she's going to take this frustrating and stressful situation 😒

[@kristenphelps4602]

I wish the dad would speak to him in Samoan so Asuelu can actually fully express himself.

[@legzfalloffgirl5148]

I'm getting the impression he doesn't know what to do... 😨😨

[@JulissaRomero]

Can you react to Single Life please I will give you my discovery plus log in!! Big Ed and Colt are pretty much the same toxic person from the last time they were on.

[@shivaninaidoo4890]

We can't put the good doctor through that yikes fest🤣🙈

[@JulissaRomero]

@@shivaninaidoo4890 lmao at this point he gonna charge us to pay for HIS therapy once he done reacting through the whole franchise 😂

[@kokolatte825]

@@JulissaRomero he follows the couples. He's on Colt right now, Colt and Jess, so maybe he will cover Single Life when he gets there.

[@nicky132]

I think he's promised to do Single Life 🙂

[@djsoleil78]

I don’t want to give another minute to Colt or Ed . There’s nothing to learn there 😂

[@barbara_rocas]

If American women are looked down upon in Samoa - then why did he pursue a relationship with an American woman ? I know in previous episodes he mentioned being grateful Khalani was American... it seems like he flips his narrative whenever it supports his defense more regardless of the argument/situation and makes him look hypocritical a lot of the time imo

[@allieharmon3926]

I'm confused bc don't you need willpower to follow a plan? or is it called something else?

[@sevenatenine10]

I don't know if it's worth noting, but also if Samoa is like other oceanic countries, there is a lot of intergenerational trauma. There is a larger systemic level beyond just family trauma that is related to colonialisation, blackbirding (def happened in Samoa), etc. that is another element I don't think people are really considering? Idk but for First Nations people in Australia, they have been greatly hurt by medical systems and there is a great distrust of all medical services because of this (completely justified distrust). So to say to some people, you need to go to therapy, we need to make really REALLY sure it's culturally competent therapy. There are many elements of First Nations cultures in Australia at least that are pathologised under the DSM (e.g., cutting self when someone has died, hearing voices of those that have past). If a therapist does not understand these cultural intricacies they can do further harm.

[@cammin5707]

Hmm… I see this a lot differently than Dr. Honda. It seemed like he was really motivated to do things in the beginning, but he progressively lost more and more self-confidence, and is now so terrified of being rejected for doing yet another thing wrong (and coming across as an incompetent loser), but cant express that because he’s not self-aware, and even if he was, wouldn’t be comfortable with that level of vulnerability; he’s left with using his culture as a shield to protect him both physically and emotionally. Physical-thats women’s work so i don’t have to do it so I don’t have to worry about doing it wrong. Emotional-doesn’t have to be vulnerable and open up about what’s really going on.

[@Erigato2010]

Nothing against you Dr Honda, Idk why but I never did like the phrase “white knuckling” Maybe it’s because it’s something I can never do, my knuckles will never turn white lol

[@MagicUzer]

They will if we don't lotion them lol...

[@lynnmothibeli325]

Oh my goodness this family. kkkk

[@jasonrhodes5988]

When will Asuelu grow a pair and make to a teenager instead of a baby.. it's appalling at his age there's no coming back.. he's better off with the mom of his and let the grown ups raise the 2 kids.. meaning kalanis parents.. if not the kids don't stand a chance

[@puetwa]

Can you imagine when his wife asks for a role play...? ;)

[@acossette4]

Her name is polynesian and it pronounces Ka-la-ni, not Key-la-ni

[@allieharmon3926]

All models of adulthood that I've seen seem to consist of white knuckling life. I'm only 22 but so far, that is true.

[@therabbithat]

The solution seems to be he does everything he can to find a second part time job and they use the money to hire a cleaner or au pair. This seems like an intractible issue and bending him to her will is just infantilizing him. She doesn't live in a village with a bunch of other moms and grandparents to share out parenting, which is the only way this could ever function as gendered work, so if he wants to keep it gendered he has to get a manly manly job and pay for a womanly womanly helper

[@museme6309]

Why is he acting immature what exactly is his reason to act like this cause he doesn’t get what he wants?

[@diaryofanotdgirl]

Ohhhhh. This family..... it’s getting worse and worse. Why does the dad have to intervene? This isn’t good. He’s triangulating him into their marriage. If they need help they should go to couples therapy not her dad who is biased.

[@FabiolaRVela]

Asuelu is very misogynistic, he thinks talking to the father is right because he’s a man. He wouldn’t take advice from a woman , as he has stated and well see in future episodes he will make a big deal about wanting to talk to males only about his issues with his marriage.

[@diaryofanotdgirl]

@@FabiolaRVela oh yes I remember now! Damn. I forget what that mindset is like 😏🙄

[@teddytwoguns2846]

Flying a spaceship can't be that hard the air force does it.

[@lkiyia]

what do you mean "willpower doesn't exist"? But but but... Anime taught me you can do anything with the power of friendship, it can't be wrong!

[@Dogleg1957]

Asuelu was wrong when he generalized about American women. Should have said kalani you are lazy. I can't say whether kalani is lazy or not because the way they edit the program. Kalani should listen to asuelu and analyze why he thinks this. Old saying of ...out of the mouth of babes comes the truth... But once again this is just a hypothesis because I would have to question asuelu and kalani multiple sessions.

[@sophiasdreamquinnblue8977]

Dr. Honda just don't like the dude. 😂

[@jeremymcandrew8068]

comment

[@florabamabelle6413]

Why are you using these OLD clips. Get current, please

[@SSKlein]

He's literally doing this to get caught up on the current season. Chill.

[@seemu2927]

Erm he's starting from the beginning - some of us need to get caught up!

[@missednoahsarc2654]

Welcome! You must be new here. Dr. Kirk just started with this couple because we asked him too. He starts at the very beginning of each couple and works up to current. Sit back relax and enjoy the ride!

[@sarah3796]

We are so blessed by his work. He doesn't have to give anything but he does

[@sarah3796]

Yikes chill

[@bashmeesh]

Man. I cannot remember the amount of time I apologized to my ex and promised to never be the trouble in our relationship again. LMAO willpower sure didn't work. I never realized it until lately but we both just had psychological and trauma issues and were bouncing off each other. It was nice to realize it wasn't "my fault" which is how he always made me feel. Thanks doc. 🤍