A Betrayed Partner in Crisis: How Developmental & Betrayal Trauma Affect Men & Women Differently

[@Xyhelm]

As a betrayed male, I've been following this channel for at least 3 years. No other video has spoken to my situation than this one. Even though I am now divorced, I needed this video! It has helped me understand what she was going through years ago. I saw her desperation. I saw her shame. And I see why her affair partner is 20 years older. Even though we do have any connections (besides the kids) anymore, I still desire to understand and have empathy towards her. This video has REALLY help me have a better understanding. Thank you so much.

[@juiceknot]

We’re divorced. My ex had 2 affairs. One with a coworker 23years younger. Next with my firmer friend with a wife & 2 kids

[@samshealingpodcast]

I'm so glad it helped. thank you for watching and commenting.

[@smokedawg9371]

My brother, I would recommend you to the book “the rational male.” - Rollo Tomassi Its not infallible! But it will increase understanding too. Good luck :)

[@redicks3]

I agree wholeheartedly. I was married for 21 years and this interview best describes my life during that time.

[@Mamma_Kel]

Wow! This was very enlightening to both me and my spouse. We are trying to work through his infidelity and this is yet another piece of the puzzle. Thank you for always delivering such important content.

[@madisonallen519]

As an unfaithful wife, I found this so helpful. My husband sent it to me, and I was in tears just about the whole time because I’ve never heard the scenario articulated in such a way where I’ve felt like there is some compassion and understanding of me and what I’ve been through and went through and continue to go through through my experience of infidelity. My parents got married when my mom got pregnant at 17, and my dad struggled with drug addictions shortly thereafter. My family is LDS and my mom was encouraged to give me up for adoption. She didn’t, but had to deal with not only the shame of being pregnant young and unmarried which is shunned in the lds religion, but then shortly after having me, had to find out my dad had addiction issues, to drugs and pornography. I was very attached to my dad and loved him deeply, my mom had a temper (as would any mother as overwhelmed as she was) and so I clung to my dad. After countless relapses and rehab my mom found needles under my newborn baby brothers car seat and she decided it was safer to divorce. I was 4, and I can still remember how confused I was that my dad left. I also was devastated as I didn’t get to see him anymore, he got a new wife who was pregnant and gave that baby girl all of his love and attention. I was out of the picture and abandoned. I spent most of my young years and teenage years resenting not having my dad there. My step dad came into the picture at age 5 and my mom put unrealistic pressures on him to treat me and my brother like his own. It ended up making things worse and creating a disconnect there, so I never felt loved by my step dad until I was much older and able to receive it. At age 13 I met a boy who became one of my best friends and we also dated off and on. He had a heroin addiction and would tell me he loved me and would sleep with girls behind my back, his friends were some of my best friends and would tell me about it. He would never say sorry but I’d always go back to him because our bond was so strong. After realizing he didn’t actually love me, I gave up at about age 17. I quickly got into a relationship with my now husband and we got married. This other man would text me here and there when I first got married. I had blocked my feelings for him out because I was devastated that we didn’t end up together. I didn’t ever process that loss at all. I ran away from the hurt because it was so deep. After 7 years of marriage with my husband we had our first son and my postpartum depression hit like a ton of bricks. I lost my mind. I couldn’t see that at the time though. Our relationship fell apart. He told me that the only reason he was still with me was because we now had a son. That he was going to do whatever he wanted and not worry about my feelings anymore, and it triggered my deep abandonment issues. In my mind, our relationship was over. Instead of doing something to fix and help our brokenness, I lost a bunch of weight, and attention from men came my way and I now know that I wasn’t in a clear enough headspace to not entertain that feeling of being wanted. Or appreciated. The men who spoke to me all had one priority in regards to what they wanted from me, sex, which I couldn’t see at the time. I thought they genuinely liked me. I betrayed my husband, not with just one person, with 2 in person and 2 over texting. One of the people was this boy I cared about in high school. He was married and we had an emotional affair over texting. After being used by these people, I came to a deep realization that I had only ever wanted this connection with my husband and I realized how deeply disgusted I was with what I had done and that I wanted to be with him. I kept it all a secret for years. I finally told him a year and a half ago and it is a struggle. So much betrayal on my part. If I could ever stop somebody from making this devastating choice I would do whatever it took. I have broken our family. And we are trying to figure out how to mend it, but it’s the hardest thing we have both ever gone through. My husband is so heartbroken and so hurt. I was too selfish to realize what I was doing to him while I was cheating. But this video helped so much. It’s true I was never out with a vengeance trying to cause harm, I was in a survival type mode. I am learning so much through this and I’m hoping I only learn from it and become so much better than who I am and who I have been.

[@sarahalderman3126]

As another unfaithful wife I can relate to your story though mine was different in some ways. I hope that you and your husband find your way forward whether it is together or not. Sending love and hugs…

[@lisaliberty5872]

As an unfaithful wife, my childhood story was different but ultimately it was my postpartum depression that I didn't even know I had, that ruined my marriage. I'm lucky he wants to stay but he really does not understand why I could of done something so terrible. You are so lucky your husband sent this video to you because it shows he understands atleast part of your struggle. I'm lucky too because, he is still willing to love me.

[@lisaliberty5872]

I wish I could get my husband to listen to the videos. I betrayed him, he found out 6 months ago. It's been over for a year and a half. He still can barely be in the same room with me. He just can't hear anything like this.

[@makaylan0431]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I’ve been watching your channel since March but this is the video that has really spoken to me and our situation. This is nearly everything I’ve been trying to explain but couldn’t fully understand. Having the worst sin I’ve ever committed compounded with childhood wounds and trauma I never realized and it all coming up for both of us has been incredibly difficult. Looking forward to learning more to unravel this developmental trauma and start healing. Thank you again.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you for watching and commenting. i'm so glad it helped. it's a process my friend so go easy on yourself. you can do this. slow and steady.

[@PJHEATERMAN]

Unfortunately, my wife completely refuses to address all the underlying questions or therapy. I recently found out about limerence and came to an understanding and did some self therapy. It certainly made things much harder for me without her participation. Her affair occurred 23 years ago and we are now on a total of 33 years of marriage. During her affair i almost called it quits because of the amount of trauma she put me through. I wish i knew about limerence 23 years ago, as i feel i could of been a much stronger man during the affair. It happened so fast and out of left field that i couldn't catch my breath. In closing if you feel like it's worth saving then buck up and work hard on the marriage.

[@MatthewMorris-b2e]

There is nothing, NOTHING, about this interview that wasn’t super helpful, at least for me. But as a betrayed man who often worries about the doing the Right thing, instead of the Smart and healthy thing, the sentiment I finally came to realize myself in the 21:40 to 23:00 mark, was a turning point in my life. It might sound dumb, but even allowing myself to have the Option of walking away, actually made the choice of staying that much easier. I know that so often it feels like we’re stuck, but we all have a choice in how we react and give space to let our stories play out.

[@relaystationtoo]

I want to thank you for this video. I'm a betrayed male, been tring so hard. I am grateful for all these videos, understanding, feeling, lost, etc. Not understanding so much. Ready to give up, yet knowing that the traumas played a key role. I am grateful, in pain, but ever so grateful.

[@ShaunyP26]

Sometimes we know what’s happening, but our wives make us go down with the ship while they run away with the AP in the life raft.

[@thebluebutterfly5177]

This is absolutely brilliant. I have known a lot of this but it’s so good to see Affair Recovery sharing it with others to help them understand.

[@polarosoman]

Very good video. Brings si much understanding. Grateful for AR and all their help. Also grateful for having worked with Micheal. I still remember the day I reached out to you Samuel on Twitter to get help with specific traumas... all of you from AR and Micheal have been answers to our prayers.

[@tenea24]

This was SOOOOO helpful I can’t even express it enough. He basically told my life story.. it’s hard to hear, but knowing it’s coming from a good place it’s easy to swallow. Thanks as always guys!

[@papaske3375]

This is deep, helpful, and fascinating information.

[@Dorito_Dust]

Wow, if this didn’t hit the nail on the head. Painful, but as it was stated, once you grasp this concept you can begin to empathize.

[@samshealingpodcast]

so glad it helped. thank you for watching.

[@geraldkristjanson2109]

Hot stuff. Been waiting for this topic since 2016

[@eileenchuck]

How do you know if the unfaithful has developmental trauma or they became unfaithful because of a situation only??

[@Saltyfly22]

This video speak directly to my situation with my unfaithful wife. She however is reluctant to make the connection with her poor relationship to her emotionally abusive father and how that affects how she was able to have an affair and now has trouble looking inward to do the “work” of recovery for herself and for our marriage. She cannot see how this affects how she reacts to situations now. How can you help them see the need to do this work?

[@thebluebutterfly5177]

It would really help, if you link another video, so the scary mum video specifically, if you could link it to make it easier to find pretty please? Really appreciate EVERYTHING you’re doing and have done. Thank you!

[@AffairrecoveryLLC]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/sJaTlp6FiZyfjac

[@thebluebutterfly5177]

@@AffairrecoveryLLC thank you! I did find it and didn’t see a notification that you shared this but came to rewatch because it’s so good and saw this so wanted to acknowledge and say thank you! 🙏🏻

[@Runawayslave2023]

Does a sexless marriage cause betrayal trauma in a man?

[@papaske3375]

Yes.

[@tamaratorres6368]

What is the title of the name of the other video? The one you were talking about with mommy issues.

[@AffairrecoveryLLC]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/sJaTlp6FiZyfjac

[@kimortegastrongwarriorbrid5334]

SHAME keeps you chained to the PAIN! 🔗⛓🪝

[@samshealingpodcast]

indeed.