A Crap Guide to D&D [5th Edition] - Goblins

[@bazzfromthebackground3696]

"Cannon fodder." *That's a bold statement for someone in Booyahg distance.*

[@gingermcgingin1733]

And that's a bold implication for someone in an antimagic field.

[@TheSOGchronicles]

@@gingermcgingin1733 bold of you to assume theirs not even one fighter bard

[@josephhartline8638]

You do know that Goblins are literally ammo for Goblin Hucksters right?

[@iancomtois9832]

@@josephhartline8638 So a Goblin Huckster is a Goblin that hits a Goblin with another Goblin?

[@stormichigura]

but what if...fluffernutter?

[@TheDrizzle404]

DM: Goblins are typically- Player: Reality can be whatever I want.

[@yuichiyh]

If you roll a 20 so it will be

[@BM03]

Haha that's right, all DM descriptions start with "tipically" which only works as a guideline for what players will instead try their damnest to subvert. lol

[@almachizit3207]

@@yuichiyh the d20's will, so shall it be done

[@ramnerintime]

I want the Smug Face Slime

[@someoneawesome8717]

@@yuichiyh my DM has a thing against Deus Ex Machina just because you hit a nat 20, it helps prevent Mary Sue syndrome and it usually leads to something way more interesting

[@PhoenixKnight777]

“and being overall superior to Kobolds in every way.” Those are some bold words for someone in Fireball distance.

[@ZenFr0g]

'BOLD words, eh? Eh?

[@fusuy4895]

Which song is this my dear kzbin.info/www/bejne/gKjIZqGcgJtpnNU

[@alexkoder1982]

Just Fireball

[@mewacyboi]

Daniel Norris those some bold words for someone in might of the small range

[@PhoenixKnight777]

Mewacy Boi those some bold words for someone in 5 feet of an ally of mine.

[@aquamarinerose5405]

"Or design them so unexpectedly attractive that it'll make people question whether they've discovered a new fetish or if it was there all along and this was just its awakening" I feel like jo is speaking form experience here.

[@333chonky5]

yes

[@voxlknight2155]

*COUGH* *CAN RELATE*

[@dylkiller3501]

Same

[@ob1gaming356]

I can't tell either

[@aquamarinerose5405]

@The Young Pokemon Master a line from the video

[@606hunter1]

"Getting treated like a retail worker" That hit a little hard

[@MythicMachina]

Oof. If you are working in retail, thank you. We really do need you at this time

[@midnightwolfwarrior]

@@MythicMachina I promise you, when all this is over, some republican is going to come into my shop, disrespecting my food service people, acting like we're fodder, and I'm going to make national television for shoving his balls straight up into his brain. They can't help themselves, they NEED to look down on SOMEONE, and using race as a distinction gets them into too much trouble.

[@trol_8889]

Man I remember a time where some white lady came into lobby and told me about how disappointed she was with the black people in her town for not bending over to what ever expectation she had of them. While doing this, she compared me to some older black lady she knew when she was younger. She called me mama bear and shit. I am a minor. Not necessarily disrespect, but just really fucking weird.

[@midnightwolfwarrior]

@@trol_8889 Nah, that's disrespect. Full stop.

[@iamaunicorn1232]

That hit hard as fuck in the current times. One more Karen yells at me about her order getting cancelled and I'm going to cut the phone lines.

[@kassandrapiotrowski9650]

"But this is D&D which means everybody breaks the rules more than an episode of YuGiOh" xD

[@mightydusknoir2649]

Screw the rules, I have money!

[@thronezwei4412]

Hold on, did you summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?

[@Dusxio]

@@mightydusknoir2649 The DM after commissioning the latest art of his Big Bad XD

[@pablo2495]

Nice job! You repeated a joke! You’re such a genius! (Sorry I Had Too)

[@edge_4372]

The rules or more like... guide lones

[@WittyUsername816]

"and generally better than kobolds in every way" Boy, them's fightin' words.

[@isabelbarker786]

Link above is just some guy in a cable car

[@Sierra2S9]

@@isabelbarker786 Please help by flagging this bot for spam.

[@alexanderlambert295]

And so, the war between kobolds and goblins begins.

[@waldorffordlaw9529]

-2 str, and sunlight sensitivity makes a compelling argument for kobolds being worse...

[@solargaruda]

Gottem(that damn bot)

[@ethicalrobin4552]

Jocrap: "Which Makes The Their Voice Go Up As Many Octaves As Your Player Level" Me: *proceeds to get a level 20 goblin to kick an elf up the nuts for an air raid siren*

[@jacobsheehan9715]

Hahahaahaha

[@333chonky5]

someody quick make a meme out of this

[@christianschweda2530]

Awesome, I'm in tears!

[@leemurweeks]

@@christianschweda2530 For far different reasons than that Elf I am sure.

[@justsomejerseydevilwithint4606]

You hear nothing, and all the dogs nearby start going crazy

[@belldrop7365]

Is this an ad for cute goblin plushies? Outro: totally.

[@kinologan5074]

I want one so much!!!

[@lux0rd01]

Well it worked for me

[@krausercruz2780]

Or a window to awaken your Goblin fetish. Or both. Whatever floats your goat. I wouldnt know because i already watch Goblin porn

[@rorymaclean6848]

I mean, I'm not even mad. That is one fine plushie.

[@loganshaw9198]

@Brian the Trainer do not turn your dog into goblin slayer.

[@fetusdeletus9266]

Somehow I knew the various pictures of “attractive goblins” were going to show up

[@joshhaworth2155]

I expected that one screenshot from the slime anime.

[@IggyTthunders]

Because who doesn't love thicc green chicks that make every man feel huge?

[@3p1c_Mustache]

I wasn't expecting it. I don't know what I just discovered, but I kind of like it :3

[@roguepsykerhaaker4813]

@@joshhaworth2155 it's a good show

[@roguepsykerhaaker4813]

@@joshhaworth2155 it's a good show

[@sirapple589]

1:29 “No the wiggler hat is not for sale” And here I was thinking that 2020 couldn’t get any worse.

[@taigoh84]

Capcom owns that :p

[@iwantmypot]

Commission someone. Nobody is going to mass produce these unless they can license the rights to do so. Nintendo is listed as one of the publishers of Monster Hunter, and everyone knows how much Nintendo loves to drag people to court.

[@oddacity5883]

My disappointment is immeasurable, and my day is ruined

[@royhoetelmans4772]

@@iwantmypot i always think disney likes to do that alot more but nontendo is a fucking champion at ut

[@omega1575]

Where did you get that plush?

[@vurrunna]

Somehow, whenever Goblins show up in my campaigns, it turns into a moral conundrum as the players go around blithely murdering them all only to stumble across the part of the dungeon where the Goblins hide their young and elderly during fights and suddenly realize that the Goblins they've been killing are actually people with hopes and dreams that they've been brutally disembowling for the past two hours. The strangest part is that this keeps happening. The players know me, they know I make killing Goblins a moral conundrum and yet they're always blindsided when it happens. It's honestly my favorite part of my campaigns.

[@4-2-sama]

To quote a wise man: "The only good Goblins are the ones that never leave their stinking holes"

[@whatwhat98]

@@4-2-sama the only good goblin is a dead goblin, so let's make these goblins good

[@kimballbelliston5925]

"Surely, these ones are pure evil. I'm sure of it this time"

[@CountDVB]

Read Order of the Stick

[@erockandroll39]

It might depend on reason you were killing the goblins in the first place. But chances are, their enemies of circumstance. Goblins might have their own people they need to care for, but if they're way of living butts heads with their neighbors. (E.x. raid and pillaging) then they are going to have enemies.

[@alecchristiaen4856]

4 things are endless: -the setting -the player's stupidity -the variation in goblins -the spectrum of tiefling skin color

[@madzoroark5396]

5. The amount of kobolds in cave systems.

[@Da_Shark]

@@madzoroark5396 much like glitter in your clothes after your niece dumps a whole fucking jar on you that shit is NEVER going away... once in that cave... thar cave now belongs to the kobalds

[@tobyharrison4702]

6 -the infinite types of elves

[@andrewspears8891]

7: the things the bard will try to bed.

[@deleted4913]

I was once playing a campaign and this person was the last one alive, and guess what he did? A backflip, not like a counter attack or distraction, a simple backflip just for no reason.

[@Ajehy]

*Grabs random object* “We’re fighting this now!” And that was how my players back in high school fought a giant, animated bowl of salsa. It dealt acid & fire damage with its “slosh” attack.

[@metricencounters7178]

Ajehy I’d like more details it sounds interesting

[@crystletear1224]

You, uh, you got stats for that?

[@Ajehy]

Unfortunately it was 15 years ago, so I don’t have stats, but as I recall I was pretty much winging it. Someone put the salsa in the middle of the battle map so everyone could reach it, and suddenly everyone’s fighting a giant animated condiment for no reasons (I wasn’t the most plot-focused DM in those days). I’m pretty sure I just found a level-appropriate monster in the Monster Manual which kinda fit & re-skinned it.

[@nairocamilo]

Did the party win? Was it delicious?

[@Ajehy]

Nairo Camilo - They all chipped in and tasted victory. Spicy, spicy victory.

[@The_Number1Candyman]

"Now that's the general idea of what goblins are supposed to be in the forgotten realms but this is DnD which means everybody breaks the rules more than an episode of Yugioh". That line is gold.

[@rompevuevitos222]

@Omar Hassan Abed Alhameed Al-Bateekhy That has nothing to do with the video... It isn't even funny it's someone's boring vacations

[@rompevuevitos222]

@@christopherkelly6936 But why? it's not even a promotion or anything idk if i should feel sad for him or what

[@Pineapple-hx9ty]

@@rompevuevitos222 blood for the blood good

[@logancherrington813]

This has inspired me to make a character that is secretly just 5 goblins in a trench coat with some make up

[@chocobrawler]

That fetish joke hit me so hard and got way more laugh’s out of me than I thought a joke could ever get.

[@Nevict]

Are we going to ignore the fact that there was a Critical Role reference in it?!

[@Necromancist]

Ahaha yes. Fetish joke. *Joke.* Hahaha! Indeed! Yes. Just joking.

[@patchoulimaru6369]

Wait, what joke.

[@ufuk5872]

Incase...

[@a_cynical_mad_man_vods]

@@Nevict I was going to say weren't several of those pics Nott from campaign two? Which is has a male player? Then again knowing how Sam Riegel acts he probably finds it funny people make that kind of art of her, maybe I don't know. But yeah you put a character out there on the internet people are going to lewd it if it becomes popular enough. ...................................why did I go off on that tangent?..................................

[@joshuaturnquist5538]

No joke about how DnD goblins look nothing like how people depict them? Everyone draws them as cute little green fellas (because that's the best design), but official DnD art has them as freaky little yellow people who are too muscular for being so weak. Anyway, small green goblins are the best goblins.

[@mixmastermind]

Seriously Forgotten Realms Goblins are JACKED

[@OhNoTheFace]

Officially a lot of stuff in DnD is less interesting. that's why there are changes :O

[@doggod106]

Yeah the way Goblins are portrayed in the official artwork makes me think they'd be like ape strong, but apparently not. Hot goblins are the best, small cute goblins are second place.

[@lilbean5193]

@@doggod106 "hot goblins are the best" I can't tell if this is a new feeling or something that's been in me the whole time and was just awakened.

[@thesalamanders8740]

As a DM the way I portray goblins is a mix of all three, civilised goblins have a mixture between adorable and attractive and wild goblins are akin to moria orcs from lotr. The theory is that civilised goblins changed over time like humans and dogs for example being more attractive and easier on the eyes, wild goblins are like if we looked at cavemen today where they bred on the basis of strength, ruthlessness and sheer brutality to reach adulthood and to find a partner.

[@brandongalvan6603]

*JoCat starts putting out Crap Guides to using Monsters* "Never before have I needed something so much and never know until I received it."

[@gliscaradu1424]

nice dbza reference

[@toocoldforyouhere8353]

Brandon Galvan, is it monsters or races?

[@brandongalvan6603]

@@toocoldforyouhere8353 Judging from his wording, it seems like it's going to be covering monsters, especially since he already covered all of the races in one video. I think that he just chose to start with Goblins because the ones that he draws are just so frickin' adorable. I would bet that we'll probably get Kobolds next and eventually Dragons sometime in the future.

[@AzraelMight]

When you finally figure out the idea to continue the crap guide series monsters

[@toocoldforyouhere8353]

Brandon Galvan , probably

[@Xohadarc]

**looking at my shortstack fetish** "Wait, it's all Kanekou!?" "Always has been"

[@thecaptain5051]

Wallet: "please, have mercy!" "There is no mercy" *Wallet screams in agony over the 3 grand you spend in kanekou commissions every year*

[@Tlees91]

"Not doing work and fantasizing about a campaign you'll never play" I feel personally attacked.

[@HelheimMudkip]

Me too at least with quarantine I can write more!

[@kittykat5090]

it lowkey hurt me lol

[@justinbryan9969]

Same. Wow. was not expecting that to hit home.

[@miyaremiyare8855]

I actually filled my pocket notebook and have enough things written down to execute my 6th grade english teacher with so much creativity and detail. I fortunately have another one next to my wifi router.

[@tomhill3248]

Well, what are you waiting for? You don't want all that to go to waste do ya? Run the campaign already! Or you might never get the chance!

[@gauchoryder6476]

"and being superior to kobolds in every way" *You have provoked a gang war*

[@KageRyuu6]

Yeah, Jets and Sharks style. lol

[@smolgobbo3826]

THE RACE WAR STARTS NOW! BOOYAAAAAAGH!

[@Holycow8498]

@@smolgobbo3826 Its the FF10 playthrough all over again

[@noddarkwolf]

HECK YA KOLBOLDS SUPERIOR GOBLINS INFERIOR

[@esbudegativo1481]

GOBLIN NO TAKE CANDLE

[@ChaosHavox]

"Jocat: WE got plushies! The First 100 sales get 15 percent off!" *Literally Sold out within 2 minutes of the video posted*

[@mahumia]

Got a plushie, just no discount. 5 dollar shipping to Europe though, so not going to complain

[@kelsmister]

Can still get plushie, but code no longer works. XD

[@kelsmister]

And to be fair 15% would have been like $3

[@bobafett215x]

@@kelsmister I too ordered the goblin friend.

[@snarfymcsnarfface2323]

Wish I had $30 to spare

[@GodsPoisonSamael]

"Goblins can pop up anywhere and can even turn a high level party into mincemeat if they aren't careful" is basically the plot of several arcs of the "Goblin Slayer" series. Like no joke, the little bastards show up EVERYWHERE.

[@Elix10]

Goblin Slayer vibes

[@lunavixrn5651]

Lol didn’t critical role do a one shot where the players were goblins and Matt made it so they were the equivalent of the first encounter of pathfinder which the protagonists were supposed to beat but the party was playing as the goblins and literally tpkd the pathfinder protagonists in their first encounter and Matt didn’t tell them until after?

[@josephperez2004]

​@@lunavixrn5651Pathfinder has done a few oneshots where you play as Goblins. It was kinda their yearly thing for awhile.

[@alivingmusical5420]

1:29 "No the wiggler hat is not for sale" -I like to cry in the ocean cuz only then do my tears feel small

[@matiaspereyra9392]

He'll probably get sued by capcom if he starts selling wiggler hats as his merch

[@SWATDRUMMUH]

... aren't we going to talk about the fact that JoCat WILLINGLY looked up "attractive goblins" for the ending

[@althelor]

Truly his is a man of culture.

[@althelor]

Also, don't forget that the one at 2:38 is straight up porn. And he has a link to the full uncensored version posted up on it.

[@LycanB64]

That's poor Nott, isn't it

[@maggers2580]

@@LycanB64 she had to pay for Caleb's wizard college tuition somehow 😬

[@lux0rd01]

What do you mean "for the ending"? He just found a way to work his normal Google searches into his videos

[@ChristieWryte]

One of my favorite villains I've ever run was a half-goblin-half-kobold sorceress who'd united two warring tribes of goblins and kobolds at magical gunpoint to serve her in shaky cooperation. Watching a group of players try to deal with an encounter where half the minions are Nimble Escaping after every attack and the other half are dogpiling for Pack Tactics while their leader Booyaghas from the other end of the hall is just... it's just great.

[@wyvern713]

That sounds like absolute chaos and a lot of fun!!

[@benjamintim3542]

And not one sorcerer to fireball that nonsense straight to hell? Or was this a very low lol encounter

[@someepicnerd7821]

thas sounds... perfect. im gonna use that idea in my campaign

[@EstivenWBrai]

Greetching: *Litle waaaagghhh sounds*

[@wadespencer3623]

Before anybody questions whether kobolds and goblins could breed, remember that kobolds are dragons. They could breed with ANYTHING.

[@squidclyx7328]

2:39 GOD DAMMIT JOCRAP, I HAVE ENOUGH FETISHES AND NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY FOR.GOBLIN GIRL SHMENTAI

[@ZaKattacker]

1:01 I love the implication that whenever Joseph gets startled, he goes into JoCrap mode as a defense mechanism (probably an implication that only exists in my mind, but I still love it).

[@danielcastillo591]

He activated his stand

[@vijayanand6650]

Daniel Castillo Was that a motherfuckin persona reference? (Don’t hate, I’m quoting an anime parody)

[@hrdwan2000]

@@vijayanand6650 GOD FUCKING DAMN IT STEPH!

[@vijayanand6650]

@@hrdwan2000 Heck yeah!

[@vijayanand6650]

@@hrdwan2000 Disboard This Board ...Imanity

[@TakeMyLunch]

"Generally better than kobolds in every way" Talkin a lot of shit for someone in fireball distance.

[@freakyskull516]

how much fecal matter and rust particulate do you want in your blood?

[@Joryho]

*HOW MANY BLACK DRAGONS WOULD YOU LIKE TO FIGHT?!*

[@freakyskull516]

@@Joryho with goblin numbers it doesnt matter. itll use its breath weapon take out a small group of the main force then be d6+2ed to death by swarms of arrows. 360HP isnt much when there are hundreds of damage sources and dont even get me started on the poison and thats assuming the dragons are handed the advantage of fighting outside once the fight is taken into the caves it only gets worse. people always rant about the traps and ingenuity of kobolds yet they forget that goblins have the same and exist in a war focused society where the weakest are culled and the strong may live. so trying the "applying the lore logically" approach just leads to IMMENSE goblin armies armed to the teeth, rigorously trained, genetically superior, and working as a solid unit so teamwork focused they dont even understand the concept of privacy THEN we apply their numbers, breeding speed, and zealous society to the fact that maglubiyet is their racial god and we quickly see maglubiyet growing in power so much and so quickly that he overtakes a large portion of the multiverse. THEEEEENNN we apply the magic and sheer power of the other goblinoids. how would your black dragons like to be sieged by several hundred fireballs, lightningbolts, and gods know what other fucked spells hobgoblins get their mitts on? bloodthirsty little war zealots > overrated magic lizards.

[@Joryho]

freakyskull516 I hate that you’re right, but honestly, kobolds are still better imo.

[@Merumya]

@@freakyskull516 And thats why Goblin Slayer-san makes sense :o

[@steponbucket]

That goblin plushy has got to be the cutest thing I’ve seen in a while.

[@josiahtasich6073]

Careful, it bites.

[@ThenewWereWolfGod]

How do you get one

[@pheoxin]

@@The_Eevee_Breeder they are not available anymore! :( We need more of them!

[@Tupik21]

I mean, for the goal of 400, that got 9800 orders. They MAY or MAY NOT be back. But I'm hoping for a kobold one.

[@louthinator]

I just got mine in the mail today, it's just as adorable in person. ( imgur.com/gallery/lTPI7aV )

[@SojiroEX]

Trying to pit goblins and kobolds against each other to keep them from realizing they're natural allies.

[@Girliosopod]

Me: I dont need it, its just a plushie Brain: hehe fluffy buy now

[@iamaunicorn1232]

And that is story of how I have already ordered one. As soon as he mentioned it.

[@somegoodsoup7008]

Tiny mumkey brain want soft squishy thing.

[@bobthet-rex2718]

Me: moneys? Wallet: lol nope Me: :(

[@kurelgolbez3109]

Well there went lunch money for a few weeks... 😢

[@thedescendedangel]

I bought 3 😭

[@cerberusXII]

“Being superior to kobolds in every way” Kobold is German for goblin

[@limbonlegs1662]

Sir. You have created a paradox. Reverse this immediately.

[@Joryho]

nice try you crafty little leprechaun.

[@sethperkins5698]

My entire world has been flipped on its head, thank you very much

[@MrGenericNickname]

It translates similarly in Dutch as well.

[@krishnasubha1840]

ok wow

[@oligb1469]

The fact there is more room on that shelf should bring us hope in these dark times.

[@thomasallen9974]

It means we got a new series THE COMBAT SERIES!!!! YAY MORE CRAPGUIDE

[@liamgreenwood3481]

@@thomasallen9974 Personally, I'm hoping we continue with a series that covers monsters in a way that only Jocat can. Also, I'm genuinely curious about what an episode about mimics would be like. If I know Jocat, that fridge he was opening in the video would most certainly be lined with teeth.

[@joshuasanders162]

@@liamgreenwood3481 Or a empty coffie mug that appeared on your table.

[@liamgreenwood3481]

@@joshuasanders162 Pretty much any household item with an orifice is fair game. A toilet mimic would be the most effective, yet horribly cruel.

[@joshuasanders162]

@@liamgreenwood3481 ... There is such a thing as going too far. Just... no bathroom mimics please. Can mimics would be pretty funny tho. Like a hermit crab.

[@garrettvenn9022]

>"or design them so unexpectedly attractive that it'll make people question if they've discovered a new fetish or if it was there all along and this was just its awakening." [looks at my Goblin Mage on WoW] Can confirm.

[@SilverGreeneye]

“Treated like a retail worker.” Ohhhh.... I felt that. I’m never going to be able to gleefully slaughter a goblin again.

[@soullessdoll4129]

Ok ya same

[@nonya1366]

Think of it like this: Your granting them death.

[@ingetamna]

Makes a lotta sense

[@GobPalRosieVT]

I dodged a magic missle there, phew.

[@DustyGamma]

"People have a weird fetish for goblins. Now buy a goblin plushy!" I have a bad feeling about this.

[@thegreatsteel9105]

my plans are beyond your understanding, mortal

[@arceuswarlord2222]

I now have the urge to look up attractive goblins for "research purposes", but I'm not sure how to go about doing that.

[@arceuswarlord2222]

@@thegreatsteel9105 thank you for scientific contribution. Now I'm going to do a little "research" for the next couple hours.

[@thegreatsteel9105]

@@arceuswarlord2222 Yes young one do your "research"

[@corazar1415]

Quick destroy everyone's jars

[@ooferdoofer7091]

“Generally better than Kobolds in every way” My kobold paladin: Those are brave words for someone in SMITE range...

[@noble430]

... flash light- next enemy

[@lordofshades9852]

@@noble430 flesh light

[@noble430]

Lord of Shades NO!

[@lordofshades9852]

@@noble430 kobold flesh light

[@noble430]

Lord of Shades ABSOLUTELY NOT

[@UnkleSanik]

"Generally better than kobold in any way" Some pack of kobolds: You're talking a lot of shit for someone within gold eating distance.

[@FanOfMostEverything]

Remember, "Use the crap the DM has lying around" is how we got most of the original D&D bestiary. Also, this was a delightful surprise. Thank you for it.

[@Oddmanoutre]

Are you saying that vodka-shot Jell-O Wigglers were the inspiration for the Gelatinous Cube?

[@defensivekobra3873]

I want an elaboration here

[@FanOfMostEverything]

@@defensivekobra3873 Weird crap like the owlbear, bulette, and rust monster were inspired by cheap plastic miniatures which were in turn based on monsters from kaiju films.

[@shaftedspekz6280]

"This looks like an owl and a bear... I'll call it... the OWLBEAR!"

[@novaiscool1]

Currently playing a goblin in a campaign, one of my quirks is that whenever I take damage I squeak like a dog toy. No reason for it other than a spur of the moment joke that turned quickly into something real.

[@dudewatches6125]

BBEG: I have you now you disgusting little- *Squeak* BBEG: Wait, what was that? *Squeak* BBEG: OH MY DARK GODS THATS HILARIOUS!!! *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* Goblin: Ow, why does everyone do that?! That's the sound of all my booyahg escaping my lung- *Squeak*

[@thecloseandsecondjohnmccor6527]

I can just imagine that goblin being repeatedly bitch slapped as you here what sounds like someone trying to get a dog's attention with a toy.

[@deathmetalpotato]

Thedoctor133 Neat but have you ever had sex

[@obsidianbeast6308]

Thedoctor133 dear god that sounds awesome

[@sapientbirb7350]

@@dudewatches6125 Now I'm just imagining a dnd session filled to the brim with dbza references.

[@Manfromthenorth0551]

Ah the sexy goblin. AKA: Your "Shortstacks" awakening. Another source of awakenings is Imp Midna from Twilight Princess.

[@nathancarver7179]

@@Kaarl_Mills Oh no, what is that.

[@demi-femme4821]

@@nathancarver7179 the sound of Aztec Male Stripper Gods.

[@bsantini3616]

My weakness

[@darksun273]

Want some nott

[@lilwyvern4]

Shortstacks are everything you wanted and didn't know you wanted.

[@mothwizard3095]

“Superior to kobolds in every way” *What’s your point, person within fireball distance?*

[@bazzfromthebackground3696]

"...Voice up an octave for every player level." Gold.

[@taylorhancock5834]

Ok, the plush Goblin is the most adorable thing ever, and I need it in my life. Great video as always, and I'm curious to see what you do next!

[@isaaceshleman2833]

Taylor Hancock This comment says 10 hours ago but the video says five minutes ago.

[@tuxyb4263]

@@isaaceshleman2833 yeah, da fuq is going on here

[@morganpriest7726]

ACTM we got a fuckin time traveler on our hands boys! Go call the time police!

[@nickg9231]

“Breaks the rules more than an episode of yu gi oh” 😂JoCat you’re amazing don’t change

[@unsweetenedfruit]

I tried to go back and rewatch Yugioh and it hurt too much.

[@TheDemonAscended]

I’m literally just sitting here binging every “crap guide to” for information and I’m loving sass JoCat

[@Aristocletes]

"But this is D&D, which means everybody breaks the rules more than an episode of Yu-Gi-Oh..." Truest words in the book

[@wumpusthehunted2628]

Pah. RAW wasn't a thing until D&D 3.0. AD&D rules simply were edited by the "drop the least cool rules until it fits the publisher's requirements. Playing *all* the rules just wasn't done and any player silly enough to call the DM on it got to roll his backlog of disease checks... If the DM allows it, you aren't breaking the rules. You simply changed them.

[@gamerdude746]

Learn the rules, then cherrypick which ones work or don't work for you or your players. Bend and break the rest.

[@d1g1beastpr1me7]

What rules?

[@NYKevin100]

@@wumpusthehunted2628 Didn't AD&D have the bit in the DMG about players not being allowed to read it? That always struck me as a bit silly (especially after Paranoia ran the whole joke into the ground).

[@wumpusthehunted2628]

@NYKevin I believe Gygax's quote ran something along the lines was that a player reading the DMG was "deserving a less than honorable death". It wasn't realistic unless you only played with a forever DM. But I did have a great time in that era playing Villains and Vigilantes without ever seeing the insides of the rules (including an player section). There's a lot to be said about a total lack of metagaming (although you'd think the characters in such a world would at least be familiar with their world working like the players' section mentions). I doubt I'll ever try that again. I'm sure later management refused to even suggest such limits to book sales.

[@madelynrogers8977]

1:59 "her name is Boogs & she likes to murder" Me, tearing up: I would die for Boogs

[@ebinmitchell1919]

I love murder i love killing i love murder

[@tabathamoonstone8633]

Fun fact, I actually introduced a murderous goblin child NPC named Boogs to my game after watching this video, and the entire party loved her. She even managed to stab her way into the heart of our resident murderhobo, and when he came to DM his own one-shot, he decided to add her.

[@Kimmy0721]

That can be arranged

[@timothybelleci3554]

You will

[@LoppearLink]

"And being superior to kobolds in every way." *Zito will remember that*

[@ephemispriest8069]

Spurt disagrees.

[@nanachimakenshi2512]

You take that back!!!!

[@fusuy4895]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/gKjIZqGcgJtpnNU this is for all of you

[@murpsydurpsy]

Did no one notice that it was Felicia was asking sasha to adopt the pirate goblin its beautiful to see how far their relationship has come

[@artifexvigen]

"but this is d&d where everyone breaks the rules more than in an episode of Yu-Gi-Oh" THAT HURT ME HARRRRDDDDDDDD

[@artifexvigen]

What was the point of that?

[@barethor5869]

@@artifexvigen It's a spam bot, they have been posting replies with video links all over these comments, just report it

[@alexkoder1982]

Screw the rules I have money!

[@teabearchurchill5600]

I love my Goblin Warrior/Thief. Dressed in scraps of armor tied with string, uses a barrel lid for a shield, and wields a butcher's knife bigger than he is. The party can't pronounce his name, so they call him "Chopper". His first act as a PC was to run up a Guard Captain's pantsleg and bite his nards.

[@MouseMask-p1z]

Non consensual piggybacks are one of my favourite things about playing these guys. The knife just lets you direct which way they stagger.

[@jpjfrey5673]

"Warrior/Thief" Mmmhmmmm

[@teabearchurchill5600]

@@jpjfrey5673 Holdover from my 1e days. I still say "Thief" instead of "Rogue" for the most part. "Warrior" was an easier transition for some reason. :/

[@techsmechs2485]

Is this goblin the size of a mouse, or something..?

[@teabearchurchill5600]

@@techsmechs2485 'bout 3' tall or so... It's a BIG butcher's knife... based on one I saw at a sale long time ago.

[@seanorman6450]

Oh my word, plush gobby is so dang cute

[@StarryThey-os]

It is tho!

[@TaksytheGynoid]

Literally just ordered one lmao. I have no impulse control.

[@defensivekobra3873]

Jocat: Give me your wallet

[@seanorman6450]

@@defensivekobra3873 he's going to get it

[@DobroPitanje]

BOOYAHG

[@hiimcharlottecharlotte]

One of my favorite NPCs I've ever encountered in a campaign was our DM made a goblin named "Gearbox", she was an artificer and a pyromaniac. She was *supposed* to be a sidekick for the party, I was the only player that survived her.

[@darklordofsword]

"Superior to kobolds in every way" You realize you just turned every fan of Zito on you, right? Lol

[@viperxvii]

This is how beefs begin. I await the apocalyptic shorty war.

[@bitchtitchs]

Yes he insults Tarrasque of Ironoath, the red ball of anger is on his way to beat his ass as we speak

[@darkfang797]

This battle will be one of legend, the red ball of anger versus the might of the sword and shield.

[@Somajsibere]

Who s Zito ?

[@apocryphgaming9995]

Lord Meepo also demands a JoCat head

[@ornnet8203]

DM: So, you enter in the dungeon and you find an horde of creatures. Player: what creatures are they? DM: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhh, goblins. Player: again? DM: Yes Player: there's a meaning for this? DM: Yes Player: then, why? DM: Yes Player: what does It mean? DM: Yes

[@ladylad2763]

My DM does the same thing with undead

[@fusuy4895]

Ok man this for you kzbin.info/www/bejne/gKjIZqGcgJtpnNU 🏎😊

[@elijahfrizzell4816]

@@fusuy4895 I hate you bots

[@MurderOfAKiller]

What does it mean? It means that there are goblins in the dungeon. Roll initiative.

[@ornnet8203]

Selene M 19

[@Xxgold_toastxX]

*tears a single tear* “he is back boys, Gen.Jocrap is back”

[@magiv4205]

In my first ever D&D session, we slaughtered a group of Goblins and interrogated the last survivor, who turned out to be a runt of 12 years who hated that he was always bullied by the bigger goblins so we immediately adopted him and he joined us on our rampage.

[@pocketkobold893]

Jocat:Goblins are better than Kobolds in every way Me: *Who plays as Kobold Characters to support allys with Grovel Cower and Beg, and just wants to be cute* ;-;

[@christophershell7564]

It gets better if you are a kobold paladin who is smiting evil one round and begging for mercy from your enemies the next.

[@rayhatesu]

I do appreciate that ability since we have someone in our group that does that on occasion, the only issue is that his runs on Kobolds are cursed in that they nearly die twice every 4 encounters due to unintended poor positioning or poor decision making (like attempting to grapple an enemy while his Kobold is prone, which grabs the enemy's attention and gets them to reach down and cast a 4th level Inflict Wounds)

[@Nyghtking]

Technically they are if you look at stats alone, they get the bonus to dex and an additional bonus to con without getting a negative to a stat or sunlight sensitivity, but the big difference between them is kobolds get potentially two broken abilities in pack tactics and beg plead grovel, so they generate advantage on their attacks when within 5 feet of an ally regardless of anything else, or they can use the other ability to give all allies advantage against opponents, and in 5e you can only have one advantage and disadvantage, and both cancel each other out, so as a kobold regardless of the situation it's possible for you to never be rolling at disadvantage on any attacks no matter what, so a kobold can literally do something stupid like cast darkness and follow it up next turn by using beg plead grovel allowing their allies to roll with no disadvantage against the opponents in the darkness who will have disadvantage.

[@hugofontes5708]

@@Nyghtking "now you know how to use koboolds, you're welcome"

[@hugofontes5708]

it doesn't matter if goblins are better kobolds, you are good kobold have potato

[@Interrobang212]

"Grab the nearest thing on your shelf, and say fuck it, we're fighting this little bastard today." Oh man, some of my absolute best combat encounters came about with that exact method.

[@TheKillerMime]

"Superior to Kobolds in every conceivable way." - Jocat *I begin crying, because I love Kobolds more than Goblins.*

[@allenchurch1056]

My sympathies

[@Black_Claw175]

@@allenchurch1056 don't you mean "syncope symphony"

[@gnikhcil]

v13kobold raising magical staff crackling with necromantic energy. “Thems fighting words jocat” jk honestly I love kobolds

[@TheKillerMime]

@@gnikhcil Kobolds are amazing. :D One of my favorite races alongside Warforged and Thri-Kreen. I do like Dragonborn, Lizardfolk, and Yuan-Ti as well.

[@bitethedust3561]

Finally, people with good taste.

[@MrRavenBlackwing]

"Given enough size and numbers and time to prepare an ambush, and even the most basic goblin squads can turn an 8th level party into the aftermath of eating at White Castle." Someone either read or watched Goblin Slayer. EDIT: Also..."No matter how basic the combat is, it is going to take forever anyways..." You clearly have not met my brother who will abuse DMs by combining spells and using Metamagics to really ramp them up to absurd levels of destruction.

[@luisfernandocaelhernandez9599]

Some tips please

[@iainoftheizzetleague9850]

We had a boss fight where our dm would buff the Balor we were about to fight every round we fought the small army of minions and didn't kill them. Eventually we killed them, but it took the session. Our Monk/FIghter hybrid wasn't there. the next session, he was. He one-tapped a I think 19 cr monster at level 10. We spent the next two hours talking about ideas for the next session, and the DM complaining about how busted it was. If you want speed, not a whole lot faster than that.

[@imbw267]

JoCat has awakened true power of KZbin: Selling Merch

[@fernando47180]

they look so cute, though

[@grunner7557]

Well at least it isn't just some relevant design slapped on a cheap T-shirt mass produced is some Chinese sweatshop somewhere in the middle of nowhere that you know is going to have said design fade away like a politicians morals after getting elected.

[@stephenweber3839]

@@grunner7557 That got awfully specific.

[@grunner7557]

@@stephenweber3839 Because that's how the game of politics is played, at least here in Australia. Lie your ass off and then stab your voters in the back. As for the China bit, that really is how a lot of those shirt merch businesses work, especially when it comes to KZbinrs.

[@alexanderlambert295]

Why did I read merch as if it was JoCat saying SMITE!...?

[@JageshemashFTW]

“And being superior to kobolds in every way.” *_Pack Tactics intensifies_*

[@Skaven_Trans_Girl]

*Sunlight Sensitivity and -2 str intensify*

[@kilerkane]

Imagine if 4 Kobold rogues attack one PC, they are ALL getting there Stealth attack bonus DESPITE BEING CLEARLY VISIBLE. Madness.

[@JageshemashFTW]

Furbarian Adept of the Cult Mechanicus Do you know how many times you’re actually outside in the sunlight in _Dungeons_ and Dragons? Not often.

[@conorb.1901]

@@JageshemashFTW heck, the book says "direct sunlight" which means you're perfectly fine if it's overcast

[@CynUnion-ji9uj]

Pactics

[@traviswilliams2348]

Final scene is silly. We all know the instant jocat senses danger he casts fireball. There would be no goblins left to dogpile him.

[@samswann180]

But what if the goblins can fireball back? *BOOYAGH

[@DeisFortuna]

Gobbos are just smol green blobs of potential. Then again, any race that players get access to is full of potential because it makes creating a custom NPC for that race easier since you can just use PC creation rules to make them with the only NPC privilege being the fact that they'll have full spell slots if they're a caster once the fighting starts. But gobbos get it the best because when's the last time you saw a cute orc for the party to adopt as a "pet" NPC. Hell, if I wanted to make a DMPC, I'd make it one of those adorable gobbos so the players take them along instead of the DMPC forcing their way into the party.

[@lukefrederiks5906]

#8 on Trending? "He is the Chosen One. He will bring balance."

[@alexkoder1982]

(2 movies later) You were the Chosen one!

[@nack287]

"Better than Kobolds..." Them's fightin' words, bud.

[@ethan4475]

You wish to fight, then step into the light.

[@demi-femme4821]

Kobolds as a player race are ridiculously underpowered.

[@demi-femme4821]

Like, holy fuck

[@kevinbarber2795]

nack287 Indeed.

[@Scantlin2026]

Thems true words bud

[@riccardocastiglioni1611]

"... and being overall superior to kobolds in every way!" *Angry Zito sounds approaching*

[@josephperez2004]

Obligatory Zito Quote kzbin.info/www/bejne/aXrSh5mMmZ2Mn8U

[@android19willpwn]

small but *very* angry

[@collinarter2470]

they hated him because he told the truth.

[@chrisheitzenrater7433]

I would love to see more of these videos with kobolds, orcs, dragons, hags, mind flayer etc. They would be really entertaining

[@Billchu13]

"Blame them for an economy they have no control over" sounds like we are having similar weeks.

[@coffee_candy_]

*New fetish unlocked: Goblin* *edit: shortstacks are cool and all, but I need some pure goblin

[@WakkaMadeInYevon]

Oops

[@althelor]

You mean you didn't put points into that unlock at the first opportunity? Psh, casuals.

[@noobshrine]

**Shortstacks*

[@stalebread2997]

I discovered that a whiile ba- I MEAN NO!

[@jrm48220]

Check out @Orcbarbies on Twitter. Lots of art of Crit Role's Nott the Thicc.

[@EvilSandwich]

I've been a DM for over 20 years. And I have just one thing to say. Goblins man! They are a staple for a goddamn reason! New DM's! Don't be ashamed to use them! Trust me on this one!

[@CraigPrime]

I've been a DM for 3 weeks, can confirm, as for a whole 4 hour session my group fought literally nothing but goblins and a single chance encounter with a giant boar. Was told I'm the best DM they had, I think they just don't want to DM themselves or appreciate me making funny voices.

[@Oniphire]

A DM on Reddit said his party of untouchable paladins and super hidey rogues was destroying his encounters without even getting scratched. I told him to look up the myriad videos and posts on goblins using tactics. He responded later that one of his rogues was nearly pinged to death by slingshots and the party warlock got to save him and make a big deal of it :D

[@EvilSandwich]

@@CraigPrime Goblins are the ultimate low level encounter. Weak and not overwhelming, but can easily be given different weapons, tactics and even class levels to spice things up and keep your players on their toes.

[@buttholethebarbarian8248]

Goblin Slayer: did someone say.... GOBLINS??

[@skeletonking2501]

There are two types of goblins, the sick monsterous kind that are scum and unironically horrifying, and than you have tiny chibis

[@carso1500]

@@skeletonking2501 You forgot the shortstacks, which are best goblins

[@johnfett1177]

"The only good goblin's a dead goblin, now let's make these goblins good!"

[@shanecarey9554]

2:06 It's good to know Goblins are friends with Berds

[@TheHeroCaspian]

YASS

[@thegeneralmitch]

**shows softcore critical role Nott fan art** Me: **raises holy symbol** Begone heresy!!! D:

[@vivian-alexandrarivers897]

Aye, we only accept the hardcore stuff from OrcBarbies here!

[@chazzwozzio]

Nott the thicc

[@beepboprobotsnot3748]

Never have I looked at an image and noped so hard.

[@megaraptor007]

I'm just glad i wasnt the only one to recognize it

[@lucavalente6620]

*See the goblin* "Well now I know to who pledge my loyalty".

[@torgor_]

the kobold clan will remember this

[@beepboprobotsnot3748]

Indeed we will, because WE are superior in every way.

[@Reaper0123]

Here here! Also; "tuckers kobolds"

[@LordDragox412]

RIP Spurt, the best Kobold there ever was [*[

[@marianxendor3974]

Kobold Gang

[@christophershell7564]

@@LordDragox412 You're Dead!!! I winnn... Splat. RIP Spurt, 2019-2019 and eleven days.

[@halfrostfilmstuff]

In one of our campaigns, quite far into the story, we found a little goblin and made it our pet( his name is splug((he is still alive)) , and at the end of the campaign he finished of the BBEG... Wow

[@christopherfleetwood5252]

YEA, GO SPLUG!!! 🥰

[@emilyniederbremer8164]

I always thought that your goblins were so cute and I am ECSTATIC that it is a plushie, thank you for making this a thing, Jocat :)

[@Riff2580]

"The only good Goblin is a dead Goblin." - Goblin Slayer "Goblins, I dont like 'em! Eck!" - JonTron

[@tyler1673]

Now let's make these gawblins goooood!

[@sladikk]

"If you catch him kissing goblins, if you catch him in bed with a goblin, y'know, that would be a problem." -Alex Jones

[@UNSCMarine117]

"goblins ill like fire arisen"

[@EdgedPixie]

Same character.

[@izzy_theog9658]

Gawwblins

[@lovingfool2060]

Ah, the monstergirl shortstacks of the d&d world

[@copycrow4486]

Just monstergirl everything! Goblins, yes. Zombies, yes. Vampires, yes. Whatever the fuck you can think of because this is secretly Interspecies Reviewers. Now you know how to live out your fantasies, you're welcome.

[@strateupgamr7]

I love your drawing for goblins, it's so cute

[@Ofxzh]

Is this going to be a series on races that’s more in-depth than the races song?

[@webbowser8834]

I think this is more "crap guide to monsters" then "crap guide to races", not to be confused with Jocat's previous series, "crap guide to Monster Hunter"

[@Pixal_Dragon]

What he/she said

[@tutompop]

Yes do every monster! Moar crap guide

[@JoCat]

unlikely, there's WAAAAY too many of them, this was just a one-off thing mostly for the plushie promotion

[@Fangli233]

@@JoCat Well... Points for honesty

[@stevene1643]

We definitely adopted a goblin then made him goblin king... Guilty as charged.

[@thegreenmessor3809]

Guilty for befriending a goblin, not the making him king bit tho. That Goblin did some good murdering and shiny rock collecting. Man, the team loved that Goblin. Shame we never finished that campaign.

[@defensivekobra3873]

Oooh boy goblin and kobold roleplay is fun

[@onecrazypig8423]

Was the goblin's name David Bowie?

[@capemorning2451]

Goblin Slayer

[@LombaxPieboy16]

My party adopted a stupid goblin who really loved squirrels. Long story short, found a deck of many things, he drew a card that give him xp, he became the same level as our party. I end up dying to the boss of the dungeon, and then take over playing as our goblin pet we'd had for a few sessions... Good times. Highly recommend everyone goes out and gets their own Ricky the squirrel loving goblin.

[@Grab_001]

I’m the kind of person that’d try to befriend small groups of goblins and kobolds so I can raise them to be THE ADVENTURE BUDDIES

[@buttholethebarbarian8248]

Hey can my Goblin Slayer with a flaming shortsword(with +5 against Any Humanoids) join your party?

[@flipside2086]

I had a Blue Dragonborn Feylock convince some Black Kobolds that she was stronger and a more worthwhile leader then their Ancient Black dragon master, I went to hell and back for them, and never once did they betray me, even when they were being tortured after the black dragon took over. I DID however get betrayed by a Blue Kobold that was a stowaway that i also adopted. That one learned true fear lol. They all died and got reincarnated as Blue Dragonborns for their service to me so it all worked out.

[@IrvingIV]

In a oneshot we did of a much larger campaign, My friend and I(mostly me?) adopted Boblin the Goblin, whose allies we had just killed after they ambushed us, and we then proceeded to buy off the entire goblin camp with steaks, asking nicely if Boblin and the human we were trying to rescue could come with us. We succeeded.

[@jacobsheehan9715]

Remember in goblin society the biggest arsehole is usually the leader

[@EnigmaEnginseer]

@@jacobsheehan9715 Only good goblin is one that doesn’t come out of its cave.

[@lieutenantkettch]

The sexy goblin drawings have awakened something within me.

[@althelor]

"you'll make people question if they discovered a new fetish, or if it was there all along and this was just it's awakening." Hahahahaha. Oh, those poor innocent souls. I discovered the beauty of goblin girls shortly after playing zelda twilight princess when I was about 13. Imp Midna awoke many things within me.

[@willowwisp4627]

Same

[@Sir_Bucket]

But I don't advice anyone to explore this side of rule34 unsupervised Just *Incase*

[@cleoking6312]

Imp midna is one of the quintessential shortstacks

[@mirthless5603]

Same

[@EatAnOctorok]

I only got into Midna through Link's wolf form.

[@MrAwsomenoob]

So bit of a story, The first time i ever DMed i started the players off in a town that had recently been attacked by a goblin army. But luckily the town defeated them. But now the surrounding forest is filled with goblins and the town had put a bounty for every goblin slain. So the party is doing a hunting quest for the town to collect wild boar and after they killed a few and were heading back to town this girl who was playing for the first time decides that this is to boring and her character goes wondering off into the woods, at twilight, without a torch, all alone. I rolled encounter, GOBLINS. five of them and it's now night. She got her ass kicked so bad because she was one of the races that doesn't have dark vision so she couldn't see or hit them. But luckily the party finds her before she dies. Her:"WTF why did you do that to me?" My vet friend: "He told us there were goblins in the forest and that the town had a bounty on them. And you ran off by yourself at night."

[@polasamierwahsh421]

*Goblin slayer* : a rookie mistake

[@johnnyj.817]

Common Sense: not just for real life!

[@henry3503]

@@polasamierwahsh421 goblin slayer. I see you are a man of culture

[@hopewasson2995]

I'm looking to meet new people and get an online dnd session going. Wanna join?

[@polasamierwahsh421]

@@hopewasson2995 I would say yes but I got throttling internet problem in my country so good luck and remember there's always discord dnd

[@krvys7226]

"This has been a crap guide to advertising your own merch. You're welcome."

[@AtalixZero]

My welcome? I don't get it.

[@krvys7226]

@@AtalixZero would you believe I've gone 4 months without realizing that mistake? thank you. FTR: I did correct my post after the fact. still made the initial mistake like an idjit.

[@bruhboss3141]

1:26 also speaking of selling things it costs 420 69 gil. Nice.

[@SnappyBros]

2:06 turns out Berd is friends with a Goblin

[@fernandotrevinocastro1018]

I thought that was an "oyasumi pun pun" reference

[@AAAAAA-tv9wg]

I'm a simple guy with simple needs. JoCat uploads, I watch the shit out of it.

[@shellknight1323]

Jocat: "A crap-" Me: *MIIIIINNNEEE!!!!* ... mine..

[@moonshinetheleocat1235]

"Overall superior to kobolds in everyway." So you have chosen death

[@cparle87]

That was some... interesting art choices. Also, who else knew the moment he started petting the goblin he was gonna get bit then booyahg'd?

[@carolinaremley1377]

Fury of the small? MORE LIKE FURY OF THE BALL

[@obsidianbeast6308]

Melissa Remley the ball!

[@shadowX2121]

I get that reference

[@obsidianbeast6308]

Alex Omega no one shall underestimate the ball

[@annabella1650]

Beware...the ball.

[@personnemay2692]

I love him.

[@Geffro]

Don't forget that they sometimes are randomly possessed by the remains of their dead trickster deity and get the ability to take 0 damage as a reaction, as well as some spells. And once they die the nearest goblin get's possessed as well. Nilbogs are fun.

[@rairose4944]

That is just "goblin" backwards

[@Geffro]

@@rairose4944 Yup!

[@mieszkocichocki1622]

2:06 oh i see this lil Berd sitting there

[@PapaFunDip]

I want a berd cameo now

[@sicklysweetdenouement]

Goblins are also a very convenient solution to a low level party without a cleric. "Hello im grub, take me with you-" "Yes."