A Man's Guide To: Ending Shame

Talking points: psychology, shame, mindset
Trying so hard not to reference the bell ringing lady in Game of Thrones right now. Seriously though, a lot of us let shame run our lives. There are legitimate reasons why, but it doesn't have to stay that way. Listen in for how it starts, why it's so hard to clear, and ten (yes, ten!) thing you can do to break free.
(00:00:00) - Intro and how to better define shame
(00:03:30) - Why shame is so hard to get rid of: it’s natural, and its has a somatic component
(00:08:25) - It also can reinforce trauma. Here’s how they get connected
(00:13:52) - Shame as a source of safety
(00:19:05) - Understanding the physical side of shame
(00:24:02) - What does NOT help
(00:26:51) - When to seek professional help
(00:27:44) - Ways to move through shame. First one? Use curiosity to challenge it
(00:31:16) - Mindfulness skills, reframing, and separating personhood from behaviour
(00:35:55) - Putting the same in context, treating as a belief vs identity, and putting blame where it belongs
(00:41:06) - Finding an alternative story, and practicing expressing boundaries and assertiveness
***
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[@colterthompson6846]

My history of being put up for adoption and being molested multiple times growing up deeply ingrained shame as a facet of my personality. I didn’t realize the extent that these experiences impacted me until I was in my early 30s. Thank you so much for this content. It’s a lesson about shame I hope to convey to my children before its corrosive effects are manifested.

[@amantinoubliable]

I work with men who suffer from sexual shame, and the physiological response is almost always present with ED, PE, and DE. Thank you for addressing both the mental and physical components of shame.

[@artynegelen786]

Ik grew up with a lot of verbal violence from my father. The very first time he went mental on me I was four years old and I went into freeze for 43 long years. Shame tied into it big time: not consciously, it was more a feeling, a sensation, an implicit memory. The feeling of what did I do wrong that made my father go mental on me? Was I not good enough? Was I broken? Shame was lingering in my subconsciousness. Since I came out of freeze (via Somatic Experiencing) I have been healing from shame. Building new narratives now. It's a journey, but totally worthwhile.

[@joefuqua2660]

I agree with your definitions of shame, and agree that it is established at an early age and has lasting effects. I hope that extreme shame is what you are giving advice to changing! I submit that shame along with fear is the negative consequences of bad behavior which is necessary for a self disciplined and orderly society. Shame is a better consequence than fear. A morale compass that manages behavior, self discipline, to act appropriately in society is better than the fear of jail time. Please be careful in coaching parents to not create some level of shame with some behaviors exhibited by children in that it may be necessary in child development, particular safety related self discipline as they age.

[@alexray6617]

One of the best explanations of shame I've heard online.

[@stewartbone4236]

Very good. I still struggle with shame but it is related to environment. A partners behaviour can provoke it (especially with specific comments my parents made) or a work environment where there is dominating/negative management. When the environment is unthreatening, no issue at all. Trust is important in my relationships but I struggle with critical comments of a specific nature.

[@messymeci]

You've broken it down so clearly and eloquently! Can't express more how much I appreciate your channel! Thank you! I've started dealing with the concept of shame since 10+ years ago, but this video really helped advance my understanding of what shame is, how it works, and how I can look at it, how I can tackle it.... Keep up the work!!

[@ManTalks]

Outstanding! Thanks for watching and glad the content helps.

[@user-to8ni9jg8e]

Man,this is specific and helpful. Thank you very much.

[@ManTalks]

Glad to hear and thanks for tuning in!

[@david22591]

Thanks Connor, this has been so useful. I listen to your podcasts whilst I'm in the gym, yours is the best channel. Listened to this one in the gym twice yesterday and again in the gym this morning. Just watched it now and made notes on how to tackle shame as it's a regular feeling for me and pretty much present daily. Affects my work and my other relationships. Described me perfectly when it s=comes to taking all the blame for arguments, or other things not happening.

[@mrsherwood2599]

My shame is around my male sexuality. My therapist asked me, "do you like people"? I said, "by and large, yes". He said, and I repeat for the back row: "that's why there are people". Boom.

[@joeditta2321]

Great teaching session, Connor. Thank you.

[@pippilong89]

Thanks Connor, very true insight. Im certain the imprinting can be undone. Generational family disfunction affects so many of us.

[@Designer_TopG]

Listening .

[@neosrdjan671]

GROWING IS painful process... shame is EMOTION which arises when you grow. First, you have to become AWARE that SHAME is stopping yur growth and development... and, you have to DECIDE> Do I have to STAY be shammeful (which is GOOD by rules of RELIGION and SOCIETY generally), or, I HAVE to RID OFF shame, put RELIGION and SOCIETY RULES BEHIND ME, and GROW at my OWN PACE.... Strange place to be...and experience. I am very praud that I FIND A COURAGE, to TRANSCEND SHAME. Go read something from Dr. DAVID HAWKINS, and SCALE OF CONSCIOUSNESS... and consider WHERE the SHAME EMOTION is placed. So, of course, you NEED sheme in your development, but, BUT, we MUST FIND A WAY to TRANSCEND IT. To put it in a RIGHT PLACE.. Cheers!

[@john34557]

Could you explain why children who have acted as the surrogate parent have developed shame?

[@hahamasala]

Is shame the same as feeling guilty, or is there a slight difference?

[@Jacob011]

He explain it at the beginning. Guilt=I've done something wrong, shame=I am wrong.

[@hahamasala]

@@Jacob011 Thanks. Sometimes a person can feel guilty for doing something even though the action is not wrong. I wonder if that's for the same reasons as shame.

[@sinity8068]

​@@hahamasala Guilt="I've gone against my personal values", Shame="social devaluation or just a threat of social devaluation" is a better way of explaining it. Personally, I did feel guilt for things like irrationality, which have nothing to do with others (directly). As for shame, of course it's (usually) not about morality. If you make a fool of yourself, you'll be ashamed. Or suppose you're a 30 years old male virgin... From a paper "The true trigger of shame: social devaluation is sufficient, wrongdoing is unnecessary": > Even people who maintain their innocence in the face of a wrongful accusation or conviction often feel ashamed. They feel shame merely “because the system has declared [them] publicly guilty” - even though there is no moral shortcoming or personal failure. Why do people feel shame when others falsely believe they have done something wrong? > shame will be activated in a person's mind when others learn (or might learn) negative information about that person. By hypothesis, this emotion program is designed to (a) motivate a person to be especially cautious about taking actions that might exacerbate devaluation in an already precarious social situation, (b) limit the spread of potentially damaging information to more people than already know, and (c) limit the costs of any ensuing social devaluation. > On this view, the innocent can feel shame if they simply know or suspect that others view them negatively. This is because it is primarily others' beliefs-and not the facts of the matter-that determine a person's reputation and value to others. People are selective in whom they associate with and aid, and not all social partners are valued equally. In small-scale subsistence societies, as prevailed during human evolution, the potential consequences of losing social benefits are severe. > If the function of shame is to limit the likelihood and the extent of being socially devalued (a representational change in the minds of others), then cues predictive of social devaluation will trigger shame. Indeed, if the information threat theory is correct, people should feel shame when they think others hold reputation-damaging beliefs about them-even if the actor knows those beliefs are false. Under the “right” conditions, even an innocent person will feel shame. Attributional theories do not generate this prediction, because innocent people, by definition, have not failed to live up to their own internal standards or aspirations.

[@radiocontrolsoul]

What are some things a person could say or do with a partner that has shame?

[@amantinoubliable]

Invite the partner to work on that shame and support them, if they are open to do it.

[@mrsherwood2599]

"Get over it" is something of a go-to 😢

[@brianbachmeier34]

I liked my own comment

[@hahamasala]

Shame on you! 😂

[@skiaddict08]

This comment looks really bad in front of the next one.

[@zachs4204]

For shame

[@mrsherwood2599]

We all do

[@andrewgarfield9898]

Off topic but you’re cute

[@stevebusam2911]

Off topic, but you’re gay. No shame in that though.

[@breatheeasily4013]

Why would you want to get rid of shame?

[@colterthompson6846]

Because while it was useful perhaps at one point, it can become parasitic and limit development. For me, at least.

[@og8425]

Not rid, "go through it" instead of being stopped by it. It's wanting to PROCESS shame and get to the other side of it.

[@breatheeasily4013]

@@colterthompson6846 Use your shame to improve yourelf. There is a reason.

[@chueyv9080]

Connor is talking about toxic shame. Where you think you’re flawed and broken. You want to get rid of it because if you don’t you will sell yourself short. Job opportunity, dating, friendship, mentorships, and addictions.

[@colterthompson6846]

@@breatheeasily4013 and I believe I did. For some reason, even afterwards, it is really slow to leave, despite serving no purpose any longer.