Coverts can be hard because people don't see them as clearly as other types. I knew a fella whose cover side was smooth as silk. Very likable, giving, and helpful person at times, but then that's the cover-up that blindsides you from seeing the underneath-- in the beginning at least. I am very leery of their gift-giving now. I have found that generally there are strings attached.
@amandaliverpool3374 Жыл бұрын
With them., there is no such thing as doing something for nothing. There is Always an ulterior motive!
@julia_444. Жыл бұрын
@jim You’re describing a very harmful covert narcissist I work with. 😮💨 Built her whole career on this type of fraudulence and fools most people-the ones she’s capable of keeping at arms’ length, that is.
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
I appreciate your take on this Cheryl. I found when I needed help with anything that required my N to inconvenience themselves, or make an effort or the slightest sacrifice, the help never came. Healthy people help through thick and thicker... And YOU actually benefit when they express boundaries if they can't help at times.. I'm learning this at long last and your comment definitely helps🙏☀️
@iys6890 Жыл бұрын
Definitely the gift is a desperate attempt to win you back!
@carolnahigian9518 Жыл бұрын
Wow! 4 adult children who ignore me; explained in a Nutshell; they would rather take photo of Food than be in the picture with me. WOW!
@DreamieArtist Жыл бұрын
I think they also love secrets because getting away with things makes them feel smarter than everyone they lie to. Cheating is not as exciting for them if people know, and they will dump their secret mistress instead of upgrading them to a public relationship when their primary relationship falls apart. They loved the intrigue more than they loved her. It was all about the secret, and without it they move on to another devious high with a new set of victims they can do the exact same thing with. Their biggest kink can be getting away with doing something bad, as it makes them feel superior.
@texaspatty458 Жыл бұрын
I think it's interesting that creatures that are so completely out of control , want to control everything & everyone in their orbit . Such a bizarre dichotomy at play here .
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
Yep! Well said Texas... And did you get called a control freak? I did, all the time... Crazy🙏☀️👍
@texaspatty458 Жыл бұрын
@@sturobertson6791 ..control freak , OCD , neat freak ..just freaky all together 🤷🤷🤷👍
@aaronkwolfe Жыл бұрын
There’s something to be said about how they desperately need to control others, partly (I assume) to make up for what they can’t even control in themselves. Call it a “settle for” a second best plan.
@marieldavison5121 Жыл бұрын
@@aaronkwolfe "...never take your behavioral cues from the person in the situation creating chaos". I so wish they could figure out why no one wants to act like them. Cheers Aaron
@AlwaysStampinVideos Жыл бұрын
Agree with you 100%, Patty! It so bizarre! It’s amazing how (at least for Americans) there are so many words attached to negative connotations. “Control” being one of them. When they cause the chaos crazy conversations, SOMEONE has to “take control” of the “out of control” to bring things back into order so that something/anything can actually be accomplished. Be the one to take control of the out of control conversation, even if asked nicely and kindly for it to stop and watch the fingers get pointed with accusations because they hang on the word “control” as a “bad thing.” It’s absurdity at its best. Try and take back control over one’s own life and get accused of trying to control the narcissist because we no longer will allow them to run all over us. Ridiculous.
@douaa1934 Жыл бұрын
Always fishing for information yet they provide the least amount of self disclosure. KNOWLEDGE = POWER Done in a very covert manner
@SurvivingNarcissism Жыл бұрын
That's a major red flag!
@amandaliverpool3374 Жыл бұрын
Absolutely 💯
@thesehandsart Жыл бұрын
Oh yeah, very well put!
@shannon6574 Жыл бұрын
That's my father.
@wisconsinfarmer4742 Жыл бұрын
I used to think that by being open and honest I was showing them that it is ok to be open and honest.
@anniebrowning7354 Жыл бұрын
Narcissists fear people who are honest and openminded. They're so scared.
@kevinn2216 Жыл бұрын
They try to spin yarns or concoct elaborate explanations or excuses when the truth is usually simpler & equally effective. Telling the truth is not taxing on the brain.
@Sunbeam298 Жыл бұрын
Good cause that’s who I am.
@dove.9833 Жыл бұрын
Oh I know when I used to tell my parents truth about things they wanted to hide they would look at me crazy like they can’t believe it that someone likes truth it’s wild
@wandah9468 Жыл бұрын
It's TRUE! One honest statement could mess up years of deception!🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣🤣😂 heck yeah it's hilarious, watching them backpedal!
@Gneiss365 Жыл бұрын
Yeah. The truth is their enemy. In contrast to this, how weird is it that they will conspire with one of their flying monkeys to deceive others, yet somehow believe that the flying monkey is trustworthy? Is it because they're telling the same lie?
@krs1602 Жыл бұрын
The covert brand is arguably the most venomous, because it's so subliminal. Overt narcissism is like the proverbial shot to the head vs covert narcissism- (the slow acting poison.)
@mmmsunshine5367 Жыл бұрын
Overt is obvious and easy to identify and excuse yourself or disengage immediately....the covert is hard to identify until the damage is done
@jacquelinefroehle3583 Жыл бұрын
Overts are like a shark coming at you. You can see its Fin. Coverts are snake in the grass people...and filled with poison.
@malwads1836 Жыл бұрын
You couldn't have described it better between these 2 main categories of narc behaviors👍🏻.I've 👀 a lot of narcs that behave like chameleons behaving in BOTH of these ways depending on the person/⌚/situation...The ones that lean more heavily into the covert behaviors are the worst though because they tend to fool more innocent people initially.You'll still 👀 the more subtle warning signs in not too long...But the trick is that you have to ALREADY be educated about covert narcissism in the 1st place,we still have a problem with awareness about narcissism in general & especially covert narcissistic behavior...Too many people still 💭 that all narcs are grandiose loud-mouths with a lot of overt behaviors.
@shelleojada Жыл бұрын
Absolutely yes!!!! I was accused of being a narcisist in my marriage of over 31 years because of me Reaction to his bad behavior , irresponsiblity, and just the fact that he just loved to get you really upset. Unfortunately , I had no idea what I was dealing with until now. I am the exact opposite of narcisist. I hate conflict, arguements, and upsetting someone. He is the opposite of that , He actually gets off on upsetting people. It’s quite sick. I didn’t know what a passive aggressive covert narcissist was. So I never really even knew this man I spent more than half of my life with. He is the biggest keeper of secrets, lies about everything, constantly doesn’t do what he said he would do, and is very manipulative and deceitful. Had I found out what this PACN was years ago, I would’ve left years ago. Instead I kept holding onto hope , which was a false hope, because never once did he ever do one thing to improve himself. I did plenty of things and he tried sabotaging every one. He used my vulnerablities against me, and there was never any true intimacy in our marriage. How could there be, he’s a phony. I found out he started an affair with our hairdresser who works out of her house, made up all kinds of horrible lies about me, to make her feel so sorry for him. They love to play victim and love the attention they get from making up lies about their spouse. I also find that sick and if a man ever were to approach me and start up about how miserable his wife makes him, I would run like Forest. I feel like I married a chamelion, a fake, phoney , chronic liar. The more I learn about this covert type the more I go hmmm. They are dangerous people because they want to destroy you when you figure them out. Literally he is trying his best to destroy me by the end of this divorce.
@elaineanderson4966 Жыл бұрын
Coverts are the types that are implicated in spiking drinks and sexual assault. An American college investigated narcs in the area of sex assaults happening on college campuses, and found covert narcs were more likely to be involved with this type of behaviour. 🤢 🤕 🤮
@evelina787 Жыл бұрын
“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” ✨☘️🙏✨☘️🙏
@amandaliverpool3374 Жыл бұрын
That is a great way of thinking. I absolutely 💯 agree 👍
@evelina787 Жыл бұрын
@@amandaliverpool3374 Thank you for your brilliant feedback, Amanda. Hope life's treating you extremely well, now, these times God bless you ✨☘️🙏
@amandaliverpool3374 Жыл бұрын
@@evelina787 I'm relatively well thanks. You're comment is short and, refreshingly, to the point. Take care 🙏
@nicoleh.5499 Жыл бұрын
Another angle if you will. My husband would do many things for me, giving the impression he genuinely cared. Years later, I found out this was a front as he could give nothing of the heart. He would walk out on me when I needed him most (surgery, illnesses), yet would run out to buy milk or give my car an oil change. When confronted, I would find out I was being punished for something. Much heartache and confusion.
@ashleyshep607411 ай бұрын
I completely undastand n relate to ur experience. I'm so sry that u endured that torture. N I truly pray that u also embrace this as a lesson n a blessn n let this experience help u get stronger
@mamamuzic7 ай бұрын
These exact things have happened to me! It's weird how the CN can seem so giving at times, on their terms, but when I'm in a crisis, nope. He will usually just ignore it, or once in a while, really blow up and get mean.
@ashleyfowler17766 ай бұрын
It’s really a heartbreak when it’s your mother
@mamamuzic6 ай бұрын
@@ashleyfowler1776 I'm so sorry...my mom was horrific, too.
@sallylee4647 Жыл бұрын
So needy, drama producing, never can please them enough and draining of the very life out of you. So much truth said here. Thank you!
@Bawkr Жыл бұрын
Indeed. There's no winning having them in your life best to move on, rip the tape off. Can't wait working very hard to get free.
@valeriemaltais1782 Жыл бұрын
You could work 17 hours a day in and outside the house, do all the shopping and cooking 7 days a week, and you’ll still be the one they can’t stand.
@sallylee4647 Жыл бұрын
@@valeriemaltais1782 Really! That and more that I am sure you could never list all. And you are still abused. You are right. 12 years mostly done here and divorced, except for stalking and a move from that one now living a 2 min drive away and I believe I am still recovering from exhaustion.
@sallylee4647 Жыл бұрын
@@Bawkr You are so right! Ripping the tape off...I will borrow that! It will be so worth it. For me, I worked hard for years and it never seemed the right time. One day when it looked like he was cheating again or probably more like STILL cheating, the anger came into me and I had him leave immediately. Get your things and leave. First he agreed, then actually became defiant (hx of violence in the home, too). I stood up for myself, even put my hand on his back to move him to the door (I don't recommend this boldness). He was passive aggressive with slamming the door each time when taking his things out. Yes it was hard. SO WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WILL DO IT!!!!!!
@TonyStark-th6lj Жыл бұрын
100%, they are extremely draining, when they were gone, I realized how long a season was. The absence were these huge holes that I had to fill with normalcy, my goals, responsibilities etc. They are walking demons and vampires nothing more!
@flightydancer Жыл бұрын
Let them keep their secrets by themselves. I don't want to know anymore.
@wisconsinfarmer4742 Жыл бұрын
Keeping secrets is a double edged sword. Their interrogations and judgments train us to keep details out of our answers. And then glossing over details ignites their paranoia. There just is no healthy communication with them.
@grantaugustyniak6667 Жыл бұрын
Their afraid to find out how normal they really are. Their not that special !
@brendaleverick3655 Жыл бұрын
Yes, they LOVE their secrets, don't they? Their entitlement is beyond belief.
@shar240 Жыл бұрын
Entitled to do anything they feel like. So crazy 😧
@matthewwozniak91387 ай бұрын
Some secrets will keep you safe and others will keep you sick.
@gillianbrookwell1678 Жыл бұрын
Sadly when I married my ex husband the narcissist; I hadn't a clue what I was dealing with, I always knew something was off but couldn't put my finger on it. In all the 41 years I stayed married to him, not once did he ever compromise, it never happened.
@melianelson9036 Жыл бұрын
Like living in a Twilight Zone episode. 36 yrs for me!
@anitagoodson198 Жыл бұрын
Yes, I've been here 31 almost & have my eyes open. Just how to deal with it is what I need.
@JohnKotch11 ай бұрын
@@melianelson9036 Including dating, almost 40 for me, 34 married. I ignored every red flag, and there were many. People even tried to warn me of her being controlling and manipulative. Until about a year ago, I never even heard of covert narcissism. I have been forced to study this subject so much, I could probably write my own book on the subject.
@carrie61576 ай бұрын
40years !!
@joshuaanzalone2060 Жыл бұрын
They hate that you don't need them and lots of them hate and think empaths are selfish because we don't want anything to do with them. We prefer our sanity.
@SewDiva5691 Жыл бұрын
I had experienced coverts that gets extra paranoid when there’s no reason to be. Some cry wolf when later I find out it’s not an emergency. Forget about trying to have any authentic convo with them. Take your pick: stonewalling, gaslighting, passive-aggressive, or just plain silent treatment. Let’s not forget their future faking: they keep moving the goal post. Making promises that they can’t keep.
@amandaliverpool3374 Жыл бұрын
And they make promises that they know they won't keep...Empty gestures of goodwill 🙏
@SewDiva5691 Жыл бұрын
@@amandaliverpool3374 yes, Amanda💯🎯. Empty alright or just full of hot air with that smirk🤥
@amandaliverpool3374 Жыл бұрын
@@SewDiva5691 Cringe worthy 😬
@aaronkwolfe Жыл бұрын
While my (estranged, narcissistic) wife was still covert, she blamed all her paranoia on her Russian heritage. I did a lot of smoothing things out for her back then.
@amandaliverpool3374 Жыл бұрын
@@aaronkwolfeAh, so she admitted some sort of imperfection. Of course, It's never their fault 🙄
@siriastridkristensen4272 Жыл бұрын
And yet they can tell you they're going for openness and transparency. Words and actions are not the same. It doesn't add up. Their behaviour does not add up and will not make sence.
@AlwaysStampinVideos Жыл бұрын
Preach, sistah! The contradictory word and actions is the bottom line giveaway for me. How are you btw, Siri?! I’m guessing that card never made it since i hadn’t heard from you?
@amandaliverpool3374 Жыл бұрын
They often say words that they think you would like to hear!
@siriastridkristensen4272 Жыл бұрын
@@AlwaysStampinVideos Yup. I'm fine thank you.Thank you for asking. I'm taking care of myself. Staying clear in my self🌟 How are you, Kelly Jean? How was your Christmas? And how is your business going? You're right about the card. It hasn't showed up....I don't know what has happened, I just know it's not here. ❄️🌟S
@AlwaysStampinVideos Жыл бұрын
@@siriastridkristensen4272 that really bums me about the card! I will try and send you another soon. I will let you know when it’s on its way. I’ll also ask at the post if they might have an idea what happened to it. I’m glad to hear you’re well and clear 💜! Our holidays were wonderful!!! My daughter worked on the movie, Avatar so it was fun celebrating her and her accomplishments. The business is on its way to getting closer and closer and i am an excited nervous wreck haha! Thx a million for asking, Siri!
@siriastridkristensen4272 Жыл бұрын
@@AlwaysStampinVideos 🩶
@sandrathomas2893 Жыл бұрын
The enemy inverts everything. There is no truth in them.
@mythologic Жыл бұрын
Good, decent people respect the vulnerability in every individual as good and normal not a weakness.
@mythologic Жыл бұрын
Every kind of person suffering from narcissism spits on that idea and attacks it in good people.
@MT-bc1we Жыл бұрын
exactly
@lovesings2us Жыл бұрын
Michael N - Thank you so much for your beautiful comment!
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
@@lovesings2us I second that! 🙏☀️
@christinapoor2289 Жыл бұрын
They always want to know where you're going, who you're talking to, income, job, friends with phone numbers, medical issues and emergency contacts, etc ... Every aspect of your life they feel they are entitled to information about, which if given, is only more ammunition later down the line.
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
Totally!! Well said!
@randolphbrandt3713 Жыл бұрын
Once I realized I was just a page in the Narcissist‘s Supply Rolodex, it completely altered my understanding of reality.
@kerinorton-blanks6193 Жыл бұрын
The only thing they tell you about past relationships is how awful the other person was, how much they themselves were victims.
@dominiqueslifehacks Жыл бұрын
This is the Machiavellian side to them as well - power plays - often to keep certain people away from each other, so that they can't share intel ... the means justifying the ends ...
@amandaliverpool3374 Жыл бұрын
My ex stepfather kept my stepsister and I apart. We new about each other for about 40 years! He would only tell me she'd visited after she'd been and visa versa. Needless to say we eventually met and kept in touch, a bit, and neither of us see him anymore. Both went no contact for our own reasons 🙃 🙂
@janicefalls8950 Жыл бұрын
All this does is make me realize how narcissistic I became helping my husband keep his secrets. There's no gaslighting in my life anymore now that we're apart. I was doing it too. He started off covert but as he aged and became severely alcoholic, he lost the ability to stay that way. Most of my healing has been in dropping all those negative traits and misery. I knew I wasn't myself when I was with him.
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
Maybe you were not narcissistic, maybe you just enabled, as I did. You're clearly reflecting, tho DON'T be too harsh on yourself. Narsasists are masters at making YOU think there's stuff WRONG with YOU, and make you think it's YOUR fault. It ain't necessarily so... Glad you are yourself again. onwards and upwards! Survive and thrive! Good luck to you Janice🙏☀️🍀
@Feribrat99 Жыл бұрын
What Stu said
@LindaLouise625 Жыл бұрын
@@Feribrat99 ditto :)
@RN-gx7wt Жыл бұрын
@@sturobertson6791 She states it right, she doesn't say she's a clinical diagnosed version, she just states you or anyone else becomes just as abusive sometimes, it doesn't make anyone any better unless they learn not to repeat that mistake. Abuse can be easily bi-directional 50% in most cases, so could we just say someone isn't narcissistic arbitrarily based. I congratulate her on dropping off that harm she basically ran away with, that's a small victory for mankind.
@RN-gx7wt Жыл бұрын
@@nolamar1 Yea you rob the bank (figure of speech) but the one who pursue way you to help out should be to blame....... I think you do not want to stand too close for comfort. I don’t think the cops are going to let it slide. Unwitting or not still Abuse no excuse needed, what made her heal is take responsibility is the important note here.
@izawaniek2568 Жыл бұрын
Keepers of secrets are uber-controlling people and they are very often covert or vulnerable narcisists. They get their ego boost and sense of dominance and control over their victims because they always have plenty of things they know while their victims don’t and they thrive on the sense of tension which such circumstances perpetuate. Thank you for your incredible help and support dr Carter. ❤ God bless you❤
@kathleenbristol6747 Жыл бұрын
That's where gas lighting comes in my life with my husband narc.he plays a lot of mind games!
@tmo.48 Жыл бұрын
They love mind games. I told mine years ago that if he wants to play mind games then he has to play by himself because I never learned how to play. Of course he found other ways to be manipulative and controlling. I just kept maliabl and fluid to adjust to the changing tactics. He takes away the remote, I watch youtube, he takes away the money, I fix all vegetables. It kills him.
@davidqueenann3947 Жыл бұрын
Dear Lord, Yes! My ex-wife was a grand-master of both stonewalling (emotional secrets) and being secretive (factual secrets). Secret email accounts, a second phone line, a separate Amazon account. But all of that was just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the techniques she employed to exercise psychological dominion. I finally said "forget it, I'm just doing me." At the end of our marriage she erupted "You've become like an unbridled horse." That was the most open and honest thing she ever said to me. It was all about control.
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
At first I thought the lies were only about "wrongdoings". Then I realised they also lie about normal stuff (that they didn't need to lie about)... But it took me forever to figure out they lie most about "who they are"
@RN-gx7wt Жыл бұрын
Do not underestimate the lies that people around these people (actually) keep going, personally I think these people who enable the lies are worse than the liar themselves. U also recognise the idea that lies spawn where things get obfuscated, for example they want to check you out, but call every clarity question a (are you checking me?), so you start to doubt yourself, now you know who is running control issues, people who take stabs at someone else, I call these sampling for control, then they also keep these secrets around they aren't showing closure (but are taking stabs at others) still they take a random stab at people to gain control. I think it’s time people start to respect more open communication. Shutting things down only make it worst and these coverts would be more comfortable in their pernicious ways of being hidden, you create confusion, sense high conflict wen asking direct open communication Q&A be prepared this is when things will submerge into something else.
@AlwaysStampinVideos Жыл бұрын
Yuuup! Well said, Stu. The secrets aren’t always about sexual encounters or money or “wrongdoings.” For some, just keeping the secret of their not wanting to dig deep inside themselves to discover past hurts as the reason why they inflict pain onto others is the greatest secret of all.
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
@@AlwaysStampinVideos When we were still together I discovered coke "hidden" in a drawer. I left it there and sat down with my partner and said something like "can we just sit here a while and have a really nice honest chat" , and I poured me heart out about a few things about MY flaws and vulnerable spots, and asked as reasonably as I could if she was still doing coke. I haven't forgotten it.... She looked deep into both my eyes, paused, and said slowly, no I don't, I've deleted all those numbers, and if I did, I'd tell you.... I'm thinking now when she was looking into my eyes, what she was seeing was her own reflection.... It's not a nice feeling being lied to like that..... Cheers Stampin, peace and honesty! 🙏☀️
@faithworks217 Жыл бұрын
@@sturobertson6791 After my marriage broke up, I learned that a person who hates you can look at you with warmth in his eyes and act friendly, but it was just an act for the other person who was present. I had no idea that I had been married to such a good actor.
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
@@faithworks217 Hi Earlana. Unfortunately toxic or narcasistic or abusive people CAN be good actors. That's exactly how they get away with it for so long and we fall for it. So sorry you've experienced this too. I hope you are out of it, free recovering, and finding happier times🙏☀️
@malibu90265 Жыл бұрын
I saw the narcissist's secret-keeping as deliberately denying me the information that I needed to decide to leave. I never put the label "control" on it, but I see that. The secret-keeping narcissist hid his addiction until he began to unravel.
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
Nicely said. Same for me. And when I found out about the addictions (alcohol , pot and coke).. the severity of them was still hidden. When I tried to "help".. It made not a jot of difference
@malibu90265 Жыл бұрын
@@sturobertson6791 Same for me. I was desperate to help him, but he denied that he had a problem. He even fooled professionals. As I have learned about the dynamics of narcissism I do see a lack of information on the direct connection of narcissism and addiction. Best to you, Stu.
@suzanne4396 Жыл бұрын
Yes, the narc I spent 8.5 years with Deliberately kept information from me, and would say to Me " You don't need to know," or " It's my business quit being so nosy," when I just asked him what he was doing for the evening or had done the prior weekend ... And often he WOULD tell me at some point later ( and it was always something dumb or ordinary ) but he LOVED to keep me on edge, wondering and dysregulated. He KNEW it triggered me so did it Deliberately. When I completely ended things on 11-30- 2022, I said to him, " Now you don't have to hide or deny me knowing you more deeply, I won't be " bothering you" with my queries, because NOW Toad ( todd) I no longer give a f***. Bye. Be happy with no one having any interest in whether you live or die." And I blocked him. And Mr. " I don't need you, you're lucky I'm in your life" has gotten 3 new phone #'s and repeatedly attempted contact, baiting, future faking .. But, no. There's not even a trauma bond remaining. Once I'm done, I'm done. 👋👋🙌🤡
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
@@malibu90265 Hi J W. I think you've raised an interesting point about the link between N and addiction. I sometimes listen to Lisa A Romano on another YT channel, and she often talks about N's and addictions. All the best to you too J W... I'm surviving and thriving with you! 😢☀️
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
@@suzanne4396 you're a lesson for us all Suzanne. I'm done now too, it just took me a while. All the best 🙏☀️
@TC-gx3qn Жыл бұрын
So spot on, Dr. C, this is especially true when a narcissist mother/father in-law try to gain control over their grown children's households through manipulation.
@thomasfoley1699 Жыл бұрын
Pathological. My ex suffered this abuse from her father and I dealt with it for 15 years. Now I am doing whatever I can to protect my kiddos from this abusive and vicious cycle. Not easy trying to heal and live quietly through an active smear campaign and keep my composure and motivation for them. But I am going to make it happen. And they will be free from this if I can help it.
@valeriemaltais1782 Жыл бұрын
I’ve been with my cluster b husband for 21 years, a dutiful co-dependent. I did what I could to protect my kids from his behavior. Now I think 3 of my sons are co dependent and are all choosing cluster b women.
@taom9004 Жыл бұрын
@@valeriemaltais1782 Oh, I am so sorry. We often think we are doing the right thing by sacrificing our own happiness, unaware of the lessons we are modelling. Sigh. No judgment. These are impossible situations.
@thomasfoley1699 Жыл бұрын
@@valeriemaltais1782 So frustrating when you are able to finally recognize the issues and the abuse that has been endured for so long and you are attempting to heal and then you watch the aftermath all play out with your children as they grow up enduring this now compounded situation. @Toam is correct. The situation really is impossible in so many different ways. Only silver lining (for me) is that I really hope I will be "bullet proof" (emotionally) for the 2nd half of my life. My true love is out there just hope fate leads me to her sooner than later. Thanks to all of you on here as well. Writing this and having fellow souls that understand read and respond is therapeutic gold to me right now. Grateful for you. TF
@frosted8904 Жыл бұрын
Strong 🎉❤
@1948rambo Жыл бұрын
I’m realizing every narcissist I have been around since my DAD- my birth, have been covert narcissist. These are the ones that seem so darn sincere…. You’ll go to bay for them even against what you know is true!!! You’ll empty your head of brains for them while they smile & watch!!!! Ugh!!! So needy!!! They’ll control you n let it look like your controlling them!!! When you get this- your eyes are open OMG! You’re gonna feel dumb!!! These people present as the most charming sweetest people you’ll ever meet!!! 🤮. Far from the truth!!! You’ll become their puppet fast!!!
@jessicastrait5647 Жыл бұрын
They are secretive about the things they don't want others to use or EXPLOIT against them! That's only their TOOL or power play to control. 😔
@Jared_leto_teams Жыл бұрын
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@beverlylawyer2286 Жыл бұрын
Catch them in the act of setting you up, they will look you in the eye and lie
@healthyquadrant6587 Жыл бұрын
The Ex kept me dysregulated and it showed in 'marriage counseling'. I'm sure the counselor thought I was the problem. It is impossible with a narcissist.
@meredithheath5272 Жыл бұрын
I was very lucky - at least with a couple of counselors I encountered - Step daughter, as she was trying to eliminate me by any means necessary from the family, so she could grab all of her father's Estate without having to divide it between us (I Was the very stupid second wife [now divorced]) deployed, among many things, a smear campaign against me - to ANYONE she thought of - to any and all. So, she went to councelors with her father. Fortunately, after she and her father, having a few "therapy" sessions with the first councelor, telling the councilor that I was evil, etc. - decided to hear my side of what was going on, and invited me to go to counseling with her father/ my husband at that time without including the step daughter in the counseling. It took the counselor 3 sessions with her father and I, without the step daughter present, to figure out what was going on. The councelor asked her father/my husband, at the time, "So, how is it, "M", that your daughter has so much power over you?" And as she asked him/father of step daughter/ my husband at that time that question, her eyes got dark, as if to say - "I don't want to go there, and know the answer to that question that I just asked." (That is, "How is it, that your daughter has so much power over you?") His reaction to the counselor's question was priceless! And - the counselor decided right there, to say, "I don't need to see you anymore "M" for tberapy; I'm continuing with Ruth's therapy, though." So, since that didn't work with the first therapist, step daughter tried to go to another, second therapist to spread her smear campaign, etc. She and her father went to this second therapist and, perhaps because the second therapist was older, and more experienced, the therapist caught on at the very first session where I and step daughter's father/my husband, at that time, had a therapy session, without the step daughter present - and the therapist realized what was going on, right away. That councelor yelled at father/my husband at that time, and said, "I see you're trying to have things both ways - saying one thing, while doing another!!!" (Daughter grabbed power of attorney and was manipulating our/ husband and wife bank accounts, among other things, etc.) And, the councelor, who saw the manipulation of step daughter right away, also said, " You two don't need therapists, you need attorneys, and you, R/ me, should get your own attorney!!! That councelor was quite angry at the apparent manipulations of "M" and, esp. the step daughter, and cut "M" off entirely, from any further therapy sessions, just as the first councelor did. So, Dr.Carter, and Dr. Ramani are the very wonderful examples of what to look for in a councelor or social worker - these two are the Gold Standard of councelors!.
@meredithheath5272 Жыл бұрын
I hope this gets "registered" in the "Replies" section.
@wisconsinfarmer4742 Жыл бұрын
yeah. I went to counseling with my first wife and after working all day in an exhausting job id come home and help out in the home, wash dishes, change diapers, bedtime story... She did not work outside the home. The counselor said I needed to help out around the house more. So then I sent her off on a week long fishing vacation "to get away from her hectic life with the kids" while I stayed home with the babies. The house was never so clean and orderly and it only took me 4 hours per day. The rest was playtime alone with the kids. It was a blast. So the counselor implied that I was the problem and I proved to myself that he became her flying monkey.
@healthyquadrant6587 Жыл бұрын
@@wisconsinfarmer4742 How did we come so far into a time where marriage counselors became so clever. There's professionalism then there's what has occurred today...'un-professionalism'. Thanks for your story!
@wisconsinfarmer4742 Жыл бұрын
@@healthyquadrant6587 That was 40 years ago. I got sole custody a year later by not getting in the way of her party life. Once she got addicted to no responsibility she let me have the kids. And my ulcer went away.
@cymbolichuman433 Жыл бұрын
Being in control of yourself is very tough to do being pressured by them. You have to be in tight control of yourself, have boundaries established long before they show up in the horizon. That is what will save you from all their manipulative tactics. It makes it easier to see what's going on.
@shar240 Жыл бұрын
They can pressure you to no end. Give them their way or else. I remind myself what toxic children they act like.
@Elizabeth-yg2mg Жыл бұрын
And being in tight control all of the time is exhausting so I gave up.
@shar240 Жыл бұрын
@@Elizabeth-yg2mg I've learned that you have to live your best life, and let them do WHATEVER ridiculous controlling they do.
@valeriemaltais1782 Жыл бұрын
I’m leaving my husband. I just picked up my apartment keys. And he’ll have no idea until he comes home one day soon and the house will be empty. He had taxes on his income to pay, and he had it sent to collections instead-and that means my name as well, cause it was a given I had to sign the tax papers filing jointly. I’ve got to go mop now because for 21 years he has never lifted a finger to do chores.
@SurvivingNarcissism Жыл бұрын
Freedom!!
@Hatbox948 Жыл бұрын
My narc hadn't filed income tax in ten years when I met him. I helped get it straightened out, but we separated for four years (long story as to why I'm back) and once again he stopped filing. The correspondence from the IRS is not friendly, and I think he's in deep do-do, but there's nothing I can do this time. Luckily we lived together and didn't marry or I'd be stuck with his problem too.
@Pier77Tampa Жыл бұрын
That’s the difference, Boundaries vs. Control. And that’s why, given their lack of understanding or even acknowledging their thirst for control, minimum or no contact is the only way to protect oneself. It’s just so sad…
@t.l.7733 Жыл бұрын
They are massive hypocrites. My covert GM would preach early & often in lecture tone the importance of being transparent. & to be an open book. Unfortunately, you can't get beyond the table of contents in his book. It's a New York Times best "No-Teller." Ironically, he hoards critical information as a badge of honor. Also, he, being married w/ kids, never once mentioned, spoke of or presented any photos of his wife & kids, no photos in his office, just a desk, computer, & blank walls. In the 8 years I've worked under him, nobody in the office knows her name or his kids names. He makes it clear that if you're beneath him in title, that info. as well as most other info. is off limits,
@tbunnyshy1 Жыл бұрын
They gather information and whisper the tale differently to others. They make you the messenger to convey what they want, knowing it will create tension and arguments. Their hands are “clean”, so to speak.
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
Nicely said.. Their hands are clean as they've done nothing wrong (according to them)
@amandaliverpool3374 Жыл бұрын
They expect you to frantically run round and correct the Chinese whispers while they're playing the 'gotcha' game!
@ahnraemenkhera7451 Жыл бұрын
ONE strategy that works pretty well is to say ‘Let me interrupt a minute…’ when it becomes clear that they are bringing you gossip content. Then, you can tell them WHY you’ve decided not to hear people’s confidentials, personals, family/office politics, etc. At the least, they’ll have to come up with another “strategy,” usually, by asking you to “help” them with something/someone else. (Don’t fall for that one either, just “forget” to get back to them.) At worst, they may drop you from their call list, which is a short-term “win,” but at least you get time to begin distancing. If you consistently disengage (as nicely as possible) they may just stop popping up altogether. TIME (between chats) is the key. Hope the tip helps. 🌱
@RN-gx7wt Жыл бұрын
You mean 'Clean' but bedazzled. You need that many sparkles too make something brown that you flush through the toilet that obvious. Their hands are set to shame, that’s why they need control so bad. I have to lie cause you try to SHAME me(Blame shift has been applied). And add they won’t do it with anyone else just you! That how clean it is. Just follow the trajectory of the damage during their lifetime of creating an utter pile of covert control cr4p.
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
@@ahnraemenkhera7451 it definitely does help. Very useful, thank you AhnRae🙏☀️
@1948rambo Жыл бұрын
The secret keepers- the private people!!! “We’ll I’m just a private person“ even in a close relationship- nope, you’re just a covert narcissist playing your game”!!!
@katthompson3852 Жыл бұрын
You're free ... so am I and I don't need your control or your permission
@teresadvorak6145 Жыл бұрын
I had to tell that to my sister
@LindaLouise625 Жыл бұрын
"I want to be a Person Of Peace" Me Too!!!
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
Hey Alindaartist.. How are you doing? Everyone here is with you🙏☀️🙏
@LindaLouise625 Жыл бұрын
@@sturobertson6791 Hey Stu!! Thank you for the note :) I've missed the team the last couple days. Really appreciate the greeting How are You doing?? :)
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
@@LindaLouise625 Hi Alinda and thank you for asking. I'm super calm.. Super NOT looking back in anger and thinking clearly for the first time in years. I saw a good friend today and he asked me how I was... Then I saw his face change.. He smiled, his eyes opened wide and he said.. Hey Stu.. I actually think I can SEE how you are! He had been telling me for maybe 5 years to RUN... (like everyone told me)... Now I finally have, I'm healing, hence being here, but it actually feels NICE.. and I haven't had that feeling for a while.... I'm sending you positive thoughts and good wishes. Do all the self care stuff you read about here Alinda... You DESERVE it All the best 🙏👍☀️🙏
@LindaLouise625 Жыл бұрын
@@sturobertson6791 OMGosh > Thank You sooooo much!!! > I Too ran into an old pal today ..
@susanwinkelbauer3701 Жыл бұрын
Suck the life out of you is right , I think he gets happiness trying to destroy me. I have been married to one for 30 years. Things are coming to a head. 66 and having to start over, having to go back to work at retirement age. Don't know where I can go or how I can do this. I have been pulled down so far, I have no self-esteem, scared. The only comfort I get is listening to DR. C, I find his voice comforting.
@cindyrobinson3882 Жыл бұрын
I am so thankful for your videos. I continue to learn how I've been decieved & manipulated by so many narcissists. At 60 yrs old, I'm tired of being treated with disrespect and manipulated. Narcissists are very good at lying, manipulating, cheating & just plain evil. Thanks again, Dr. C. (Love seeing Gus in each discussion). 😊 🐾
@trying2survive602 Жыл бұрын
You begin to realize that you collect narcissists all around you. I really saw the malignant narcissists but was confused by the covert types. It wasn't until I was working with a covert narcissist that I started watching Dr. C and Dr. Ramani that I began to realize what was going on in other areas of my life. I am now on the road to recovery!! I too have decided that I am not going to take it anymore!! Stay strong Cindy!!
@angelajane3913 Жыл бұрын
I know just how you feel, the more you learn you you realise just how many people in your past were toxic and we gave them the best of us
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
I think healthy people don't keep or use secrets in calculated ways against anyone. Being cautious about your vulnerabilities, especially early in a relationship, isn't being secretive, it's just being careful. A narcasistic partner won't see it this way, you have to report back where you are and who you're with 24/7, but they can keep secrets as to where THEY are. Red flag🚩🚩
@AlwaysStampinVideos Жыл бұрын
I am reminded of the movie “Invention to Lie.” Have you seen it? It’s interesting and thought provoking. Anywho, my personal take about secrets is the INTENT to “hide.” Is the intent to harm or help? The thing being hidden- is it mine to hide, or should i share? My take on the matter of secrets certainly isn’t the only take that matters but it’s what i have to go on for the time being.
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
@@AlwaysStampinVideos nicely said Stampin, that unpacks a tricky topic a little more. I know about the Ricky Gervais film "The invention of lieing" it's supposed to be a comedy tho I thought it a bit weird. To respond to your point, there's also the way of "deceit", which is done with mal intent. Also "twisting the story".. So you (or someone else) get told a version of something which ain't necessarily so. Quite uncomfortable to write about, actually... I grew up believing everyone to be honest and decent. My epic bad on that one. Take care Stampin 🙏☀️
@AlwaysStampinVideos Жыл бұрын
@@sturobertson6791 exactly… like i said… to help, or harm. That deceit you speak of certainly falls on the harm side of intent. I agree about the movie. I was ready to laugh but ended up pondering way more than i cared to after watching. I think i may have been reminded of this particular movie because i can’t help but wonder- can you imagine if a narcissist spoke truth ALL the time and not just when they were ticked off at us like when your nex decided she was the authority over how you changed the gas bottle. (I am replying to that comment after replying to this one btw.) I i imagine them saying things like… “I’m upset and it’s all your fault.” I mean they already basically say those things… we just have to read between the lines. Anywho… you take care too, Stu!
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
@@AlwaysStampinVideos Hi Stampin. Yes! More nails you hit there... Help or harm... That describes the difference between our reality and their "reality" a healthy person's default state of intent is to help... We feel vvv uncomfortable when we know we've made an error and caused harm... To actually INTEND harm would put us in their world. In the first year or so of my relationship with my nex (I'm beginning to not like that word)... I was puzzled as to why she said VERY frequently "I don't tell lies". Also, her parents and brothers, unprompted, would say "Our daughter never lies / My sister doesn't lie... I remain puzzled to this day.... It's something I don't understand, maybe about " conditioning" between the Narc and their family You said..".. Imagine if they told the truth all the time... That's some thought!.. They'd have to be truthful to THEMSELVES first. And ten million out of ten for you to be able to answer 2 comments at once! 👏😊 Cheers Stampin. Happy thoughts to you💭👍🙏☀️
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
@@AlwaysStampinVideos I also meant to include your point when you said... "I'm upset and it's all your fault.." Totally agree... What I got a lot was "I'm angry because of you.." That then grew into... "My life is f***ed up because of you" I've digressed from" secrets" to "lies they tell themselves".. Much to ponder!! Take care Stampin, hope your day is a good one👍🙏☀️
@ingefriedbianca Жыл бұрын
Secrecy and/or conspiracy are clear signs of maliciousness and delinquency.
@meredithheath5272 Жыл бұрын
Dr. Ramani, and Dr. Carter seem to be the Gold Standard of counselors and social workers - dont settle for anything less!!!
@SurvivingNarcissism Жыл бұрын
Thank you.
@mariecheek9363 Жыл бұрын
Between this channel and books, I’ve learned so much about these types of people, and have begun seeing ways of freeing myself. What a blessing.
@southernbellerising Жыл бұрын
Great video Dr. C. Yes, and when you uncover a secret, they act like we should’ve known, or if bad enough, then they stonewall and act hurt. Impossible to have a true relationship with them.
@chipchippie Жыл бұрын
And in a nutshell you're describing my entire family. It does make me sad you know? I'll probably spend the rest of my life trying to get rid of their narcissistic ghosts. But I'm okay with that it's all I have.
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
@@chipchippie Chip, I'm hearing you.. But the rest of your life is for you to be free, fulfilled, joyous, peaceful, content, growing, moving forward, creating lovely healthy relationships, looking forward, enjoyment, living a life of DRC... Put them ghosts in a compartment in your mind and only get those memories out when it's good and convenient for you.. Good luck Chip. TH got your back!! 👍🙏☀️🍀
@annbolton5626 Жыл бұрын
Gus loves his soft blue blanket 🐾 😇
@michelleburke2134 Жыл бұрын
My narcissist suffers from my reactive abuse, and therefore accuses me of being a rotten person. For a long time I believed I was a hypocrite because of his evaluation. But I'm a substitute teacher, and so many kids hug me and tell me how much they love me, and I had a long talk with another teacher in Walmart the other day, and she actually said I am an angel among people because I was helping her with some trauma she was going through. But I still live with the narcissist (still 20 years married) and when I'm with him, I'm constantly judged. If I react to his ridiculous behavior, I'm justifying that I'm an unstable and mean person. But I'm not! I know I'm not!
@DangerousWillie Жыл бұрын
I believe it's called baiting. They bait you with critical & abusive behaviors to get your reaction so they can play the victim when you attempt to defend yourself. When I started calling my narc out for this behavior it would send her into a rage while I learned to not react, just call it out as it was happening.
@samie7025 Жыл бұрын
Yeah, when you react and they criticize you for it, they’re manipulating you so you’re disharmed. I could not stay… I’m sorry you have to deal with that!!! My sibling used to love to do that. I call it trigger baiting, first thing in the morning, he would say some unbelievably f ckd up thing to me: racist, sexist, you name it and when I react, I’d get in trouble as a child and when I was older, I tried not to react bc he was a sadistic lil devil and I caught his game. So what he did was found other methods, have other ppl who I don’t talk to attack me as a person.
@amandaroberts5111 Жыл бұрын
@@samie7025 Sounds like my narc older brother, now 67, l have had enough, l can't believe l stuck it so long, giving him chances, well l am done now, after the latest baiting at Christmas, in my house!! Here is to all of us healing.
@samie7025 Жыл бұрын
@@amandaroberts5111 🥂 Word! 🥲😭💔 It hurts to hear other ppl go through this, but glad when they get out of it. Narcissists so need to remain in therapy, change and do better too.
@denicehaley9902 Жыл бұрын
@@samie7025 , only if they choose therapy. My narc husband of 35+ years says he doesn’t need therapy. The denial is strong. I gray rock, laugh, and walk away when he starts the blame and shame game. I’m slowly learning, through Dr. C and Team Healthy, who I am! My self-esteem is coming back, and hopefully, my health will too. 🙏🙏
@maggiemavis7762 Жыл бұрын
...a person... of Peace! Thanks, Dr. C. That always makes my day.
@lovesings2us Жыл бұрын
Maggie M -Thank you for your lovely comment. And Thank you, Dr C for helping us be people of peace. Last but not least, and thank you Gus, for clearly being a dog of peace.
@1948rambo Жыл бұрын
My sister too! What a heart break learning this about her was!!! Once I learned about the covert- I started to be able to connect the dots!!! 😮
@fred.k9875 Жыл бұрын
Give everything time!
@fonda123 Жыл бұрын
This is so helpful! I chose to leave.
@larrywhittemore9362 Жыл бұрын
It IS that simple, once you know.....just leave..
@sjs3590 Жыл бұрын
I’ve wondered why my ex wouldn’t tell me anything although he claimed he told me everything. Control!!
@Jenn-te7qi Жыл бұрын
Gus, looks soooo incredibly cuuute and snuggly 🥰 thank you both!!!
@dewuknowHIM Жыл бұрын
Thank you...Thank you....Thank you Dr. C....😉😄 Boy....narcs DONT LIKE IT WHEN ONE SETS BOUNDARIES with them....BUT....its perfectly ok if they run all over you !!! I set boundaries with my narc sis and bro... their hoppin' mad and totally dissowned me... Im better off...no more craziness... 💖💖💖🤗😉😊
@ahnraemenkhera7451 Жыл бұрын
It makes me sadder when siblings fall out than when I read about broken marriages, for some reason. Sad for the kids, though. Hopefully, you’ve done the healthier thing for yourself. Hopefully, the siblings’ values improve someday. Stay well (& sane)!
@dewuknowHIM Жыл бұрын
@@ahnraemenkhera7451 Thank you... My children have told me for years my sis and bro are insane...control freaks...guess i finally listened. ....🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ No sibling relationship is better than a narc one... Thanks for the encouragement !💖
@ahnraemenkhera7451 Жыл бұрын
@@dewuknowHIM You betcha! BE encouraged. No siblings on my part, but I’ve worked UNDER & (mistakenly?) befriended many Narcs. We, underlings used to call them “crazy-makers.” They cause lasting damage & they never self-correct. Even when conditions change, they cannot, without help, because their brains are abnormal at generating empathy, guilt, etc. It’s a form of autism, really, in that “it’s their own world,” & their “ego” equals all emotional reference-to themselves. But be safe. Avoid the “flying monkey armies.” Choose health (& distance) for yourself & be a hardliner for your boundaries. I, too, had to learn tools to say: “Let me call you back,” & “I have to interrupt, because…” or “I’ll have to get back to you another time, Wednesday at 7?” (Narcs HATE it when you “schedule them!”) But if they don’t keep the appointment, it’s usually so they can impress you with some Very Impressive Nonsense you won’t have anything to do with. They ALL lead SUCH Big Lives, it’s best to stay well OUT. If you do call on time, keep it brief. If you keep them on schedule, they’ll fizzle eventually. They need dramatic effects, not routine. Routine exhausts them. At first, I felt like Johnny Carson. “We’ve got to take a break here,…” But now, I spot those tendencies & traits & ZAPP! I’m outta that WEB! Happy NEW Health, & Best Wishes, HattulKavel-NarcFree in ‘23! ☺️😊🤫😂 🥂🪷🐰
@swarmiekudro251 Жыл бұрын
It’s horrible when you spend time getting to know a potential mate only to find out that they’re covert about who they truly are in private, especially when they know you know. It’s actual abuse or quickly becomes abusive due to their panic that others might find out.
@AedanGUnit Жыл бұрын
Look at Gus on that pillow❤. Coverts are the absolute worst! By the time you figure it out, you’re enmeshed. The worst!
@mariekam738 Жыл бұрын
Happy New Year Gus 😊I see you’re sticking to your resolution of being calm, undisturbed and at rest ❤🥰. That’s my resolution as well as I embrace a New and Fresh Start!
@shahadah1451 Жыл бұрын
That's a great resolution! I like it!
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
I second that!! That's a forever resolution. Well said Marie🙏☀️
@carolnahigian9518 Жыл бұрын
Amen
@ejnix7874 Жыл бұрын
Gus embodies dignity, respect, civility.
@mariekam738 Жыл бұрын
@@ejnix7874 So True 🥰🥰
@kellyp4377 Жыл бұрын
Wow! I have Been told numerous times over 8 1/2 years that I only need to know what he tells me about his day to day… his life Otherwise he keeps me isolated from his’ Life’ ,On social media etc … has been 8 1/2 years in a relationship with only what he determines I need to know
@Andrew-eo5bv Жыл бұрын
Thanks for the laugh. It's not what it seems. No it's like it's exactly what it seems like.
@Wanda711 Жыл бұрын
This is something that only becomes really clear in retrospect. My sister had an outwardly gregarious, funny, outgoing persona. We live at opposite ends of the country, so I didn't see her, but we talked on the phone every other week (I was almost always the one who called her). After our break, when I began to realize she was a narcissist, odd things about her came back to bother me. One was that I knew almost nothing about her personal, romantic life. I don't mean details about sex; I mean that I still don't know to this day if she ever had a marriage proposal (she's 59 and I'm 63). Is it wrong to think that a sibling would tell a thing like that? Maybe there never was one, but that in itself is odd, because she's always been attractive, and I would have thought she was quite a catch when she was young. Meanwhile, my life (married with 3 special needs children) was pretty much an open book. I was always talking about things my kids and family did, and she tended to ask questions that I now realize were a bit too personal - infringing boundaries. I felt uncomfortable, but stupidly would still answer, but what I didn't realize until later was that there was a huge imbalance in openness, and that's probably the biggest warning flag.
@AlwaysStampinVideos Жыл бұрын
I definitely agree on the imbalance of openness/sharing. Since i don’t have other details about your relationship with your sis, i can’t really answer your question about whether or not intimacy issues are something all sisters share. I certainly never felt comfortable sharing those kinds of things with my sister. We weren’t in contact with one another the way you and your sis were though. For me personally, sharing the intimate issues is something i personally wouldn’t do regardless. Coverts usually glean information about you so that they can either use it against you or use it to somehow manipulate you and/or any given situation. That’s definitely been the case for me personally. Lesson learned, never tell all. Maybe your sis has been burned herself by some narcissist and it’s caused her to not feel comfortable sharing details about her own life. Like i said, i don’t know because i don’t know other details to your situation. I do know what it feels like to be on a one sided effort relationship. It’s exhausting to be the one to always call and always share and then hope against hope they will some day do the same. Sending you a cyber hug and freedom vibes! Once i finally stopped wishful thinking what i gave would eventually come back to me, freedom and peace is what i received.
@Wanda711 Жыл бұрын
@@AlwaysStampinVideos Thanks! I'm sure it's been mentioned before, but one problem of living in an abnormal situation is not realizing that it IS abnormal. I literally don't know what a normal sibling relationship is like, so I'm left guessing. Do other people talk to their siblings about such-and-such? Is this over the line, or does everyone do it? Maybe that's why going no contact was such a relief; I no longer have to tap dance in the dark anymore!
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
Tap dance in the dark... That's a great phrase that tells your story. Wanda and Stampin, I think your comments here are super helpful... There's something special happens in the learning part of my brain when I read words that are so honest and touch on your vulnerabilities... It's a privilege, and I think that triggers learning for me. Bless you both... Kind thoughts for both of you🙏☀️☀️🙏
@trudismith9712 Жыл бұрын
Same here.
@trudismith9712 Жыл бұрын
@@AlwaysStampinVideos well said.
@guardyourheartmoments8334 Жыл бұрын
My husband told my mom that I was on a need to know basis, that I didn't need to know everything. He said that a year after we were married, 25 years ago.
@valeriemaltais1782 Жыл бұрын
Not only the tax bill went to collections, I only know because I was in the basement and read his mail. He hasn’t told me he didn’t pay it and we’re both at collections.
@Yeetcannon777 Жыл бұрын
This was my covert narc ex's MO for sure. So many secrets. Would do everything in her power to avoid sharing what she is doing in her life and hide aspects of the people in her life (i.e. exes that are "friends" but she wouldn't mention they were exes).
@deusintus2440 Жыл бұрын
How do narcissists behave the same, it's like they all read the same book? they have no personality. They cannot be nice without wanting something in return, you can see being kind is a struggle and does not come naturally to them. I get the sense that narcissists do not like themselves. Life is too short to be anything other than kind to another human or animal, but saying that I do not waste my time on narcissists they drain my energy. Thank you for all your videos and insight.
@sturobertson6791 Жыл бұрын
Well said Deus. They certainly do not like themselves, but because they cannot admit that (for it would mean addressing their flaws/ demons)... They project their dislike onto "us".. And by "us" I mean those closest to them All the best 🙏☀️
@jeankipper6954 Жыл бұрын
"You are free to think and believe what you want. Knock yourself out. I am also free, and I'm doing this over here.". One of the things wasband was SO mad at me over, was when I quit fighting with him. He was so illogical, and said that I was the crazy one. Strange strange world they live, and not a happy one.
@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively Жыл бұрын
Sneaky. Lying and hiding. My ex hid money and a double life. I'm still shocked. Even as he dies few know him as I do now and I'm sure it's miniscule. He was very quiet and passive aggressive. The Prince. I feel I know the basis of his shame. I have him ways to heal. Now I let go. Yes we are always revealing. Yes I finally let go. I let him have his lies.
@janmal6333 Жыл бұрын
I soon learnt that he didn't keep my confidences so I started being secretive too because I could not trust him to keep his mouth shut.
@timsebold3662 Жыл бұрын
Thank you for this. I'm a covert narcissist. I hope I do better. My parents were in a cult, and the household was abusive from the top down. Keeping secrets was a way of life.
@JH-td4mn Жыл бұрын
Wow, this describes the ex Narcissist in my life perfectly. Thanks for another spot on video Dr Carter.
@juliaagnes7 Жыл бұрын
Covert is so hard to "get" and videos like this help so much! Thanks for the insight and guidance to understand this.
@SurvivingNarcissism Жыл бұрын
Glad it was helpful!
@quickgirl80 Жыл бұрын
My husband & I have been together for 13yrs, we have a house, a kid, & he’s a very closed book. I don’t know anything about his finances. A couple weeks ago we went to the store on a Friday, just for conversation purposes I asked him if he had gotten paid. Without answering yes or no, he began screaming at me “WHY? WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THAT! WHY? HUH?” I was so taken aback by his angry response. I gave up trying to have any sort of conversation with him for the rest of the night. Sadly his angry outbursts are becoming more & more the norm. I’m over this relationship. I want out.
@SurvivingNarcissism Жыл бұрын
Those are major red flags.
@loril3151 Жыл бұрын
A relative keeps a lot of secrets and you cannot get to know the individual. Thank you for insight into to their behavior. Makes sense since their parent is a covert NPD who loves being passive aggressive.
@agatadelaparra1789 Жыл бұрын
Their secret is that they love gardening but are unaware that some flowers fly and refuse to let their hearts rot in the rain.
@kkr5595 Жыл бұрын
I think I'm going to have to watch this one a few times. I've carried the "Why" question for YEARS because it all just makes no sense to me. But I'm not sure even with the understanding of it all that it will set right in my heart or my mind. The thing that I can't wrap my brain around is that they are self depriving themselves for a fake feeling. A victim of themselves!
@malcolmwatt7386 Жыл бұрын
I have every right to be pessimistic about all relationships. I have been singled out repeatedly and treated dismissively by almost everyone I meet. I am not in control of their behaviour. They all behave as if they know me and there's a false story in their minds. I can never get it across that what they have in their heads is not me.
@olgak.1139 Жыл бұрын
None of us is obliged to make them better persons, that's up to them. I'm sure they know the difference between good and bad and they choose consciously.
@tmo.48 Жыл бұрын
I wish you peace ♡
@suttonfarms2343 Жыл бұрын
Learning that keeping secrets and lying outwardly isn’t ‘a boundary’ and instead it’s a leverage of control is eye-opening and a relief….I always felt like they wouldn’t let me know them and we couldn’t bond. This explains it fully. Thank you so much for this video!!
@julieytuarte6557 Жыл бұрын
I answered a phone call from my covert ‘mom’ a few days ago, against my initial instinct not to. Boy, was that a big mistake. That was the most psychotic experience I’ve ever had. Never again.
@SurvivingNarcissism Жыл бұрын
Trust your gut!
@tulip811 Жыл бұрын
Sometimes I just want to forgive and forget because I'm also not perfect ...
@christinaackerman7734 Жыл бұрын
Good Evening Doctor Carter⭐🤩 Thank you !
@SurvivingNarcissism Жыл бұрын
Hi Christina!!
@jenzengarden Жыл бұрын
I'm sorry for anyone going through such relationships and unable to break away. Keep Dr Les on your play list to have some sense of freedom. Know we aren't ever alone, thank you God. Peace Love and light.
@SurvivingNarcissism Жыл бұрын
#TeamHealthy
@trottheblackdog Жыл бұрын
My mother's been gone 13 years now and there are vast sections of her life about which I know nothing. She harped on me about being financially stable and Lorded it over me how Superior she was to be financially. She died thousands in debt with credit cards
@watovit Жыл бұрын
This is SO helpful. Converts can be the most dangerous. However I think we all have some amount of this inside us. Sometimes it takes another narcissist to bring it out and make us see, and change our own ways :(
@lynnmeservy Жыл бұрын
Ohhhhh my Goodness!!! TOTALLY what my husband does❤ I'm heading out the door
@sandracaezza7234 Жыл бұрын
So true . Shame driven. Addiction to many things. I’m so aware of the so called recovery time. Has happened over & over. A commitment to secrets This has helped so much in healing TY
@craigmerkey8518 Жыл бұрын
Thank you very much! False front indeed! It is reciprocal situation, controlling and unsupportive that stunts progress, then harshly blaming the "victim" for being unable to move forward! Hollow shell!
@SurvivingNarcissism Жыл бұрын
Thanks (again), Craig!!
@lil--mo2025 Жыл бұрын
Thank you Dr. C. This is one of your best.
@SurvivingNarcissism Жыл бұрын
Glad you think so!
@chickenbiscuit4525 Жыл бұрын
Honest people seem more tempered to reality and it's casual misfortunes. Keeps the minds plasticity no matter how smart or keen. Instincts in motion.
@maxwell-cole Жыл бұрын
Your posts are always very timely, especially after, and before the fall out of a narcissistic relationship. So many nuggets about control, Dr. C. Appreciate your weekly posts.
@paulpolymath Жыл бұрын
They ask for your silence so you can't defend yourself or warn their real target. I don't owe my silence to anyone.
@trudismith9712 Жыл бұрын
Just to say thank you Dr Carter for all your work sending out these videos and Midweek Q&A. I read Dr Simon's book In Sheep's Clothing quickly and wrapped it for my daughter's Christmas present. 3 days later i received a photo of her partner, a sheepskin over his shoulders and howling! It made me laugh. When i met my daughter she was shocked more than i was realising that's us, covert narcs. I had to laugh again. Yes, but we are on Team Healthy, we are not passive/agressive manipulators, so we said, what about that: we are Covert non- aggressive influencers ( a modern word i learned a few months ago. Yes, i am slow.) I had barriers up all my life but now i learned to have borders.That's how we start 2023. All the best to everybody.
@SurvivingNarcissism Жыл бұрын
#TeamHealthy
@fredkuglin9717 Жыл бұрын
Thank you Dr C. This is a Grand Slam video. I want to be a person of peace too. I am truly beginning to understand my ex-wifes mentality.
@wisconsinfarmer4742 Жыл бұрын
We go into these relationships with compassion and nurturing because women have gotten a raw deal in the past, but we keep getting punished for being close to them.Nothing is good enough It is not so personal as it is proximal.
@Beholder777 Жыл бұрын
I will still watch Dr Carter, he's the best anyway, helped me immensely already!💕
@dalialovesdoggies4361 Жыл бұрын
I LOVEEEE THIS MR. CARTER😂🤣😅😆😁💕💞💞💓💗💗
@akai.christo Жыл бұрын
Thank you Dr. C♥️🙏🔥Wish you and all here a beautiful day and weekend!!💪😉🎶🍷