A Real Conversation About Masking and the Struggle Within | Coffee Chat ☕️

[@autisticjenny]

If you liked this topic,🤓 please check out this video of mine about visible autistic traits...kzbin.info/www/bejne/bKHHlaaOZ9Gio8k

[@elizabethromanini3256]

"Joy can come in the morning" I am going to hang onto that little nugget- thank you!

[@autisticjenny]

@@elizabethromanini3256 that's awesome! It's a beautiful Bible verse!🥰

[@AutisticNotAlien]

Thank you, Jenny. I loved what you said about 'normal' being subjective. The landscape near you is beautiful. I'm always amazed by how vast the United States are.

[@autisticjenny]

You are welcome! Yes....Alabama has some beautiful areas too. I would love to visit some European countries someday. I have ancestors from Berkshire, England. I find ancestry very fascinating!

[@KayleenGnwmythr]

I love this format, and would welcome more of them 🙂 In terms of being "normal", two things have helped me. One was finding a way to be weird that was ... "sort of" socially acceptable, when, in the 1970s in a small town in Australia, I became interested in Buddhism. What that led to was other people at school and in the town writing off every bit of weirdness (I did NOT mask well, and never have) as being (wrongly) part of Buddhism. (I'm Pagan now, for quite a few decades, and both paths have also helped me.) The other was being fortunate enough to have a small group of similarly weird friends - in the 70s, united over our special interest of dinghy sailing. We were "sufficient unto ourselves", and that gave us a good escape from having to interact with the wider world (well, what passed for a wider world in that small town). That approach, of a group of a few friends as a retreat from the world has helped me throughout my life - I know others aren't in the same situation, but we defined our own normal as a healing retreat from the weirdness of mainstream life.

[@autisticjenny]

Awesome Kayleen...thanks for sharing that you liked the format! I'm jealous that you had a group of similarly weird friends! That sounds awesome. I changed friend groups quite a few times and never felt like I was a "part of the group" even though they probably thought I was. I can imagine growing up in Australia to be lovely! Are you still friends with any of them?

[@KayleenGnwmythr]

@@autisticjenny No, we lost contact over the years - particularly after I moved interstate. I looked a few of them up a couple of decades after the move, but we had all changed in different ways, and (harmoniously) went our separate ways - but we were all grateful for the support we had given each other back then. On the other hand, I've recently come back into contact with some friends from the 90s, and we haven't changed too differently, and those friendships will likely resume.

[@JeanetteInANutshell]

I felt this was very much a truly authentic video Jenny, unscripted and free from parameters means a more true self expression....it is a form of unmasking even? All part of the process/ journey we are all on after diagnosis. Plus the reference to constant 'awkwardness' you describe hit me hard...

[@autisticjenny]

Jeanette....thank you. That means a lot to me about the feedback.😍I tend to be the kind of person that needs "scripted" life, but what is authentic is not usually scripted. It does come from the hard. I'm so glad you could relate. It's nice to know someone else feels that "awkwardness" as well. LOL You and me....we got this!☺

[@Dr_Lisa_Sosin]

Jenny! Thank you. You are courageous, kind, and honest. I am so grateful for your transparency. May we all have courage to be ourselves and support one another toward that end. May we trust that who God made us to be, as you put it, is delightful and good, even if some friends and family judge us as selfish when we are not able to participate in what is "normal" for everyone else. Very grateful for you!

[@autisticjenny]

Thank you so much! I appreciate the kind words and God is a big part of my life! :) I think He has helped me to get through.

[@pikmin4743]

pretty sure I'm terrible at masking as well. I realized recently that I've been trying to unmask for years, without knowing I was autistic. now I am finally learning to understand myself

[@autisticjenny]

@@pikmin4743 knowlege is the beginning. It has to start somewhere for us and we are all on a journey.💕

[@heedmydemands]

O my, it was very nice to do the talk with a friend today. It's always so good to hear from you. I went for a long swim and I haven't been swimming much at all this year. It was a bit chilly

[@autisticjenny]

Hi friend! Thank you Cheryl. :) You are braver than me. LOL

[@heedmydemands]

@@autisticjenny yes it was out of character lol, I normally don't go unless I'm dying of over heating and I certainly wasn't. It was quite spur of the moment. I always feel so good in the water, I think I love the pressure of it, it's soothing

[@elleb1326]

I'm not autistic, but it's exhausting to feel you have to be this chipper cheerleader with people all the time. When the "mask" slips, someone always asks, "What's wrong?" Middle age for all women is a huge liberator. We figure out what BS we will and will not put ourselves thru anymore. If people have a problem, thats on them.

[@autisticjenny]

Yes....middle age is a liberator. I like that. I don't care so much anymore about wearing a ton of makeup and shaving my legs often. LOL I'm getting more comfortable in my own skin. I just wish I felt comfortable around others. Thank you for the comment!

[@CreativeAutistic]

A lovely video chat, Jenny. The struggle is real! 🧡

[@autisticjenny]

thank you! Indeed....

[@Imagination_lives]

I'm not into coffee either, because of the taste, and caffeine does a number on me. "Hyperfocusing and forgetting to eat" Lol-- been there so many times. The masking is very tiring, and people still think I'm weird anyway, so I'm just going to relax more and be myself and embrace that, just like you talked about.

[@autisticjenny]

Yes. The mask is tiring....for sure. Let's just be more of ourselves! :)

[@laura.bseyoga]

This video was great & I'd enjoy more like this. Claire (woodshed theory) says her Porch Coffee videos happened because she wanted to make content that was less pressured for herself & this reminded me of those videos. I'd be happy to share a cuppa with both of you every week! 💚 ps that's a beautiful place you're walking around

[@autisticjenny]

Thank you Laura. I didn't know that was the background story behind Claire's Porch Coffee. It was nice and I did enjoy making it. It might be a new tradition, we will see! :) Maybe now that I'm part-time I can keep up with her porch coffees too (with my tea).

[@Crouteceleste]

Sometimes I look back on my life and I realized the sum of my life, until a few years ago, may have very well been composed solely of 2 things : perfecting the mask so I wouldn't be bullied and badly treated or so I would be allowed the same chances as everyone else outside of home, and enduring for the day I was free of abuse and poverty at home. Now it's rich with other things like art, my cat and some friends or at least spaces where I can express myself. I still feel very much lonely but I am less afraid of the world and the future (except for the time when I'm very old and alone and potentially exposed to abuse and poverty again).

[@autisticjenny]

I'm so glad things are turning around for you. Pet therapy exists! You've got that with a cat. And I think art is great therapy! I love photography. I can feel lonely sometimes too. But connecting with people like you on here has been the best!

[@lisaweinmeyer5782]

I don't mask much anymore. Probably, because I am always home with my husband, who is retired, and already knows me. I sometimes have difficulty masking now. Once you are comfortable to not mask, it's hard to mask, for the sake of someone else. It is not against the law....to be odd. Loved the nature walk ❤😄🙏

[@autisticjenny]

Isn't being home the best Lisa? I love it. I mostly don't mask for my hubby but sometimes I still get that "what's wrong with you?" from him because my face looks serious....and even though he knows I'm autistic. LOL It's nice when your husband can be like a best friend and understand you and love you for yourself. I really feel blessed....I'm glad you liked the walk. It was beautiful!

[@cowsonzambonis6]

Masking is my auto pilot in public- any time I’m out of my own house. I push myself to express more and emote more. Lots of nodding and smiling. It’s exhausting!! 😩 I’m trying to unmask by relaxing my fake enthusiasm by degrees and by learning to be okay with being quiet in social situations if I don’t want to talk.

[@autisticjenny]

It's not easy....for sure. I feel ya there.

[@pauldugas1188]

Y. B. Normal other than for keeping employment and other life improving stuff

[@suzannetunnicliffe2422]

I'd like you to chat again. I believe I have been different all my life but sadly don't know anything else. Cheers Suzanne

[@autisticjenny]

thank you Suzanne. I understand.

[@zebranothorse-EmJ]

I have to mask a lot for work too and I just wish the world didn't care so much about their idea of what regulate behaviour looks like. As long as everyone is kind what does it matter 🤦🏼‍♀️

[@autisticjenny]

absolutely. And we can be kind, even without a smile on our face. LOL (hard for us to enforce though isn't it?) But we would be less drained if we did that.

[@scherzo12222]

Hi Jenny...hey I "liked" and commented here the same day (in evening) you posted this one, and I now see that my comment has disappeared. This isn't the first time this has happened. Now I can't remember what I said! I checked later that evening to make sure my comment appeared, and it did....but now it's gone. I'll have to start saving my comments as screenshots or on "Word"from now on.

[@autisticjenny]

I'm so sorry Gwen! I don't know what happened. I even checked my "held for review" folder just in case it landed there. I didn't see it though. I know that is frustrating....I hope you are doing good and I'm going to try to email you back soon.

[@scherzo12222]

@@autisticjenny Hey Jenny, don't worry about it---it's a KZbin thing. Oh, I promise I didn't use any profanity in my comment 😉. I know you're super-busy...email when you feel like it and have some time. This latest "coffee chat" was really good and I hope you do more of these.

[@autisticjenny]

@@scherzo12222 thank you my friend☺️

[@scherzo12222]

@@autisticjenny 🦋

[@autisticjenny]

@@scherzo12222 Gwen!🥰

[@brianfoster4434]

Masking.... I look at it as one of the tools in the toolbox. There is a certain amount of conformity required to occupy space with NT's. This does not come without consequences though. Masking all day at work makes it all but impossible to socialize when I am not working. But, I am making accommodations for myself at work for sensory issues and I allow myself to stim when thinking trough a problem. I have stopped trying to provide an instant answer to a "simple" question and allow myself to process and reply in seemingly unnecessary detail. So I guess that is kind of unmasking.

[@autisticjenny]

Thank you for sharing Brian and how you are handling it. I like that analogy. It definitely wears us down. And I don't think we stim enough as adults. I do find myself tapping and many other ways of stimming during the day, but I would like to use stim toys more. What a great way to wind down and relax.

[@jamesnock5572]

Tell me have i missed the boat again? As time slips by and heals not pain. My heart lives in my throat so it seams, as even cloistered nights still disturb my dreams. Bound me in the turin shroud ten fathoms deep beneath the ground. And have i missed the boat once more? As i give all i can but alas they want more🙌🙋‍♂️

[@autisticjenny]

That's beautiful and sad at the same time. Did you write that James?

[@jamesnock5572]

Thank you so much jenny youv'e made my day 🤗. Yes i wrote it around covid lockdown so a while ago. I've written quite a lot over the years but never had the confidence to read them out at poetry readings. Ive shared some with neil autistic not alien and iv'e read some of his brilliant writing .🙌🙋‍♂️ ​@@autisticjenny

[@jamesnock5572]

​​​@@autisticjennyThank you so much jenny youv'e made my day🌼 .Yes i wrote it around covid lockdown time. Ive written quite a lot over the years, but never had the confidence to read them out at any poetry readings. Ive shared a few with neil autistic not alien and read some of his brilliant writing🙌🙋‍♂️ 0:22

[@autisticjenny]

@@jamesnock5572 well thank you for feeling like you could share🙂 and Neil is a great guy to share with too.

[@LateDiagnosedAutism]

I feel like i have to mask everything when I'm about in public and my friends. I went on a cruise with my friend and her 4 year old. I had a horrible time because her child, who is not behaved, would not stop. My anxiety and I had to get away from that child. What is my lesson? Never ever go anywhere with that child around. I would rather travel by myself than with that child around.

[@autisticjenny]

Sounds like the trip ended up being stressful. I would have been upset, like you about it. It's not really relaxing to be on a cruise with a small child.

[@LateDiagnosedAutism]

@@autisticjenny no it's not, I try to explain to her how people are looking , and she does not care.