What Should the Widower do with the Late Wife's Stuff?

Whether you're discussing marriage or moving in together, usually the widower has a house full of things that reflect the taste of the late wife. The questions about what to do with the stuff and how to convince the widower to get rid of all or most of it has vexed women for ages. This video will give you the tips and tricks you need to make his home a place that you can both feel comfortable and start a new life together.
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Dating a Widower amzn.to/364eg1w
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Room for Two amzn.to/39pKfeA
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Marrying a Widower amzn.to/2Qyf48r

[@DatingaWidower]

What did Abel do with his late wife's things? Get your free e-copy of Abel's memoir Room for Two and find out for yourself. Simply sign up for his newsletter to get the free copy of the book as well as the latest on his new books, videos, and other projects. More information at www.abelkeogh.com/newsletter-2/

[@Tbn48ibp]

My guy had memorials literally all over including outside!! Statues, benches, hanging chimes with her face on a crystal, key chains. I thought to myself “where is the engraving on the car window? lol. It was crazy and she passed away a year and a half ago! I tried to stay with him and couldn’t stand it after just a couple days!! He said “well I will remove some stuff but it’s for the kids. The “kids” are 30-40 year olds with kids of their own that live out of town!!

[@wigglywoo8899]

I'm a 40 year old kid, and if my mom died and my dad remarried and rid the house of her, we'd all be on him about it! That's their mom....and that woman was the love of his life. Divorced or single women should NOT date widowers. I pray if something happens to me, my husband would meet a widow, who has understanding that you don't just forget/stop loving a late spouse! If your child died, would you stop loving them?! Hell no!

[@Tbn48ibp]

@@wigglywoo8899 I agree. You never stop loving them. I have been widowed twice and raised a very large family including kids that weren’t my own. I have a huge heart! I didn’t want him to toss every memory of her, instead I wanted him to have some photographs up where we could both display our spouses they were deceased to honor them. I even wanted to have a rose garden prayer bench outside set up for all!! My issue was it was over the top in terms of quantity! Perhaps I should consider never dating a widow. I’m a widow and I know my spouses would want me happy.

[@wigglywoo8899]

@Obtlgw a shared place for photos would have been nice. I'm sorry to hear that you've been widowed twice. :( I can't imagine. I do agree that Keychain etc are a bit much. My MIL, who I do love very much, married my husband's step dad 7 months after his wife died of ovarian cancer. The woman literally died, and a week later he met my MIL online. Moved in with her a few weeks later, and let HER clean the old house, and rid it of everything pertaining to his late wife. He had 2 young teens. My MIL has not a single photo of his kids, late wife, etc in their house....not one. It's loaded with photos of HER kids though. Has always rubbed me the wrong way, so I get frustrated at people who gripe about widowers having pictures and memories. I'm sorry of I came off as rude. My father in law's late wife was a beautiful lady...dead at 45. Completely opposite of my MIL. Hurts my heart that my FIL never spoke up and put a few photos up. And go figure...his 40 something year old kids have nothing to do with him. As a 42 year old wife and mom, who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in Feb of this year, this stuff really gets to me. I see things from a whole other perspective, and it brings me such sadness. The thought of being erased and forgotten, and my children pushed away, makes me feel physically sick.

[@emilyharris255]

The widower I dated for 16 months had his daughter and stepdaughter take most of the LW's clothes from the house. It has been 3 1/2 years and there are still clothes and other personal items of hers in the bedroom. I was never in the master bathroom. Basically, nothing has changed in the house since her passing. It was so uncomfortable and awkward for me. He was highly defensive when I mentioned it.

[@aulderhilliman4071]

Awesome video. I'm happy I stumbled across this. Very very great and practical information.

[@JanicePariza]

I only wish I had found you sooner, I would have a year of my life back! Thank you Abel! Mine chose to keep a pair of lace pink panties, I cried for weeks.

[@RG-hf4et]

How did you find out? Btw, that is totally inappropriate and this guy clearly hasn't let go and was using you for companionship/band aide. Total assh*le.

[@tetianawatson9507]

Thanks for the great video, Abel!!! I agree about keeping some furniture, just keeping clothes and personal belongings, lingerie is a red flag . Which mi fiance got rid off after we started dating, because I asked him nicely lol. But before we started dating, he donated almost all the clothes but there still were some of her personal stuff, that slowly he got rid of. Ladies have some patience! It's a process. But I am not talking about years

[@tetianawatson9507]

@Ella so sorry to hear about that! Hopefully you will find a good, loving man! Every woman deserves to be happy❤ God bless you

[@godzpowr]

From my previous comment: I do want to thank. you for the great info.

[@Tbn48ibp]

So I approached my widower and didn’t stay and told him why (lws stuff all over) and he said “gee I wish you would have said something. How insensitive of me he said!! I had told him over and over I was uncomfortable in the house. He said “as soon as we are engaged I’ll make sure all things are put away and make hiuse how you want it.” I told him I can’t promise I could live there. I am Breadcrumbed as it is (constant weekend trips and friends and relatives and grandbaby events). I rarely get time alone with him. My guess is he’s got too many people involved in his personal life and no time for a relationship. My guess is he needs my money and help on his farm. Feeding animals, keeping house clean, etc…. If he was completely inlove he would have absolutely made sure I was Comfortable !!

[@deewashington424]

You give such practical and valuable advice. I figure at my age, anyone who wanted to have a relationship with me would be a widower. 😅

[@deedeebrecca8645]

Never settle.

[@RG-hf4et]

What are your suggestions when dating a widower that has too many things of the spouse around still? The clothes were gone, pictures were down, personal items were gone in the bathroom, etc.......But as we were dating, I had to look at a teapot collection, dried silk flowers all over the house, doilies on coffee and end tables, artwork that clearly reflected her taste, etc.....All these items made me feel uncomfortable yet I make sure not to have any manly remnants of my ex or significant other at my home.....The two of you are not serious enough to move in yet but are committed to each other so how is the female supposed to deal with that? The house is entirely her taste. Widowers seem to be completely clueless when it comes to these things or maybe it is denial. In any case, widowers, if you want to date and bring a female back to your house so she will feel comfortable and want to stay and visit, seriously consider making your home less feminine and more your taste.

[@DeborahHilson]

What to do with wedding pictures/album?

[@conkiyu]

The man I married for 18 years, cheated on me, we got divorced, then he married the woman for 28 yrs! She then passed away 2 yrs ago. My ex and I met once again after so many years at our grandson’s wedding, 5 months after she passed. We hooked again without any remorse or being bitter. But just the opposite! He was falling in love with me and I him! 4 months later, we got remarried again! My problem is, that he still keep old pics, jewelry, death and marriage certificate! How can I tell him nicely to rid of them? Remember now, this woman broke our sacrament in marriage! Please help me! I do love my (Twice) Husband! As for myself, I never remarried! Only to “MY HUSBAND”!

[@DatingaWidower]

Depends what you mean by get rid of them? Do you mean throw them away or do you mean pack them up?

[@theresadudley3067]

Really? You deserve for him be committed to you. Make a decision take it or leave it. You can't be miserable forever.

[@DK-eq8tx]

Mine has stuff too he needs to get rid of

[@RG-hf4et]

My mom just passed away 3 weeks ago. My old dad is making us adult kids crazy bc he wants all personal items GONE asap..... He is grieving and everything is a reminder. The only things he is keeping are pictures, large tv and the basic furniture. He doesn't want to see clothes, shoes, purses, cookbooks, her mystery books, etc.....We are even getting new sheets. My mother only had floral patterned sheets and 1 solid blue set. We are donating all of the floral sheets to the animal shelter and buying more guy colored sheets - grey, green, blue, white, etc..... My father said it's all reminders and it is all meaningless now. He says to us kids, "Take whatever you want. Just get rid of the clothes and empty her drawers as quickly as possible."

[@DatingaWidower]

R G I had similar feelings. Don’t take it as a personal rejection of your mom. Everyone grieves differently.

[@RG-hf4et]

@@DatingaWidower Honestly, I'd rather see this behavior vs. my dad holding onto everything and not letting go of items. Some adult children might take this personally as a rejection of their mom but we don't. We see it is very theraputic and better for him in the long run. It just put a lot pressure on us kids because he wanted it done yesterday & we have other obligations, work, etc. Going through a deceased person's items takes time. I just wanted to present this situation to your followers to show a different scenario and this is how my dad 86 year old dad reacted........ In terms of my mom's wedding ring, the kids (all except for one) privately agreed mom should be buried with her wedding ring on. The final decision, of course, was up to my dad. I was the one who then had to privately talk to dad before the burial and ask, "The funeral director would like to know what you would like to do with the jewerly mom has on -- wedding ring, earrings, pearls.....".....Without hesitation, my dad's answer was (which I expected) was "Leave everything as is. She wore her wedding ring her whole life, 66 years... She should have it forever". And so she did. 💍

[@angelagunter12]

In general, with all of the videos and my experience with widowers, it seems as if everything is done in the widowers time frame, his way, his wishes. It seems like the widower takes advantage of the situation to get his way. Not good for the woman who is looking for someone to love and respect her as the widower desires to be respected and loved. Thoughts?

[@DatingaWidower]

If it's all done the way the widower wants, he's just looking for companionship and isn't ready for a serious relationship.

[@RG-hf4et]

It could also be timing. If you are dating a widower who has been widowed for 10 years, chances are he has dated a little or a lot by now. Chances are very good a lot of the spouses items are out of the way if he has hopefully dated and has dealt with a lot of issues already......If you are dating a new widower, he is still processing the newness of losing a spouse, relating to the in laws, dealing with younger kids or dealing with older, out of the house kids, her things, etc....What I have a problem with is a widower bring up the spouses name in conversations.....For example, "Mary & I took the kids to Virginia"...Why can't they say "We had a family trip to Virginia that year"? That is how I handle ex's in conversation.

[@elliemerc01]

I agree with you, I’m going through the same thing. Everything in the house is like a shrine, his wife is an artist and she loved sculpting. They travelled to Africa and different parts of the world and everything in the house has memorabilia shipped to their marital home. Whenever I have addressed things, he has an excuse or reason to keep them. Their paintings, and sculptures Are in almost every Wall of the house, even in the windows. He does not want to change any of their dishes pots and pans. He wants me to marry him within three months for me to sell all my things including furniture that cost me quite a bit, and the crazy thing is he has made no attempt to clear up any space in his home for my things even my personal things. When I visit for a week, the only place for me to apply make up or cream on my face is at the end of the kitchen table which he objects to. There are more than a few red flags and every time I go there I feel so uncomfortable because everything has to be done his way his time and he gets rude with me. Any suggestions?

[@RG-hf4et]

Just found this response. Can you update us? So tired of hearing about these selfish widowers and expecting everything to be about him.

[@jenniferthom4066]

I think there is a difference between someone who was married for 49 years before spouse died...or 10 or less years...

[@DatingaWidower]

Like what?

[@RG-hf4et]

There is no difference.

[@dave-j-k]

Nope, 49 years or 49 months its all the same.

[@Tbn48ibp]

Everyone grieves differently. If something makes you uncomfortable and the guy won’t change..you’ve got to Leave. You’ve got to Be number one. Period. Zero Tolerance and I mean zero…why…because it will Become Vexatious and destroy joy and break down your self Esteem. Love yourself enough to leave …thats what im Doing

[@WickedWildlife]

I was married to my wife 2 years before she died, that doesn’t mean I love her less then someone married decades, if anything it adds the complexity that the photos we have up are also photos of things like my kids first Santa photos, birthday parties ect. They are family memories more then romantic couples photos

[@godzpowr]

Why don't you speak to the widower instead of the woman who is dating the widower? I need information about how to behave appropriately in my relationship with a woman who is divorced. I am a widower and don't know what is reasonable. I have a lot of stuff that I have been emotionally connected with and is expensive to replace.

[@TerryWendt]

I have some questions..but first I want to thank you for all of your helpful videos! I have been in a relationship for 3 years and nearly everything you are talking about is close to my heart..I accepted a LOT just because I GAVE ALL to the relationship and wanted to be understanding..but every time something comes up its nearly always in my mind how little she sacrifices for me...and yet she thinks she is GIVING ALL?!? She has never quit wearing her "mothers ring" bought by her late husband with birthstones of herself, him, and her two daughters (35ish and 36ish both with children in rough relationships, and my previously living with me GF attended every grandchild's birth) who both seem to completely despise our relationship. I don't feel she's ever going to be able to put another man in #1 place in her life... any suggestions? She has made a lot of progress, but it always comes back to her two remaining daughters. I feel that the way they are is largely because of the verbal abuse in the previous relationship by the late father/husband. One is extremely needy, the other is extremely mean and overemotional. I hear so much about him, I cannot compete with a ghost. I feel I will NEVER be good enough... Helpless here... Thank you again.

[@rugrat1235]

GET OUT ✌💕🙏

[@Tbn48ibp]

Move on is my opinion. Lots of great ladies out there! Don’t settle!!

[@Tbn48ibp]

RUN! You deserve better. Great women out there that wouldn’t treat you like that!!! Gooooo. Run forest run. lol lol 😂

[@reneemartinez7452]

What did you do with the wedding bands of your late wife's? My widower wanted to give me his late wife's wedding ring as an engagement ring not cool with me.

[@Tbn48ibp]

Mine tried same. Actually after three months of dating he drove me to jewelry store With his wife’s diamond to trade it in for one for me or use it…the very cool Older sales Lady said, “and we Can use her precious diamond as well as your wife’s in the same ring…won’t that be cool? He looked like he got hit by a Mac truck. Priceless

[@wigglywoo8899]

@@Tbn48ibp he should be ashamed...that should go to a child or grandchild. I've already told my husband that if something happens to me, he better NOT give my jewelry to some other woman.....it's for our children only!

[@rugrat1235]

I'm a widow dating a widower (known each other several decades) & he's filled a room with his late wife's belongings for her kids to go through. Problem is none of them have even looked at it. He needs the room empty for repairs, but keeps holding off in hopes they'll come get what they want. They rarely contact him at all & a few encounters have been ugly. Any suggestions on how to proceed?

[@peggyb9708]

How do I approach a discussion with my WBF about changing his FB profile with pics of his family with LW and the status that he is still married?? Been dating almost a year. His three adult children are not fond of him dating. I'm thinking changing his status and bio pics would help them accept the fact that he is moving on after nearly two years of his LW death. Advice is appreciated. Thank you

[@theresadudley3067]

Should you ask to see a photo of late wife?

[@annamariehewitt3173]

If you can't get rid of everything and start over, you shouldn't be starting over...

[@jimhunter1831]

So I have been with my wife 2 years her second husband died almost 4 years a go she had 2 kids he had 2 kids from the past her kids tell us that are happy for us but then seems thay turnaround and stab us in the back thay think she should have pics of him in my house my wife said no it's not fair to me that also think she should have kept all his stuff I dont know what to do to keep trying to be a part or there life. Help thanks

[@maridevipam1554]

He still wakes up and first open his eyes to his late wife pic .. he has placed them everywer Rit infront of his bed

[@filipinaamericancouple144]

I'm marrying a widower and we got married 6 months now in long distances marriage.. Is it okay if he stil keep his late wife photos on the phone gallery and use his late wife wedding ring in our marriage. But he is such a good husband and always support me.. And he loved me so much. But sometimes I'm stil jealous if he mention his late wife

[@DatingaWidower]

You should have your own ring--not the late wifes. As for the photos, he should transfer them to a storage device.

[@sandragodfrey5805]

When is it time to donate the late wife's clothes? It's almost 2 years Am I wrong In asking him to at least remove 2 items to show me he wants to move forward?

[@DatingaWidower]

Only 2? He should remove it all.

[@angelagatchell7311]

What if hr wants to keep his place the same (a shrine) and we get our own place. Thanks s it too many changes to ask to have him donate her clothes and get rid of her bathroom stuff and put a time table on it before we get married (no more than 6 months sounds reasonable to me) or do I just RUN

[@DatingaWidower]

What are his reasons for wanting to keep his place? That seems weird if you're both getting a new place to live. As for a timetable, the longer you give him, the longer it's gong to stay up. If he's serious about you, he's not going to do anything to the last possible minute. So if you give him 6 months, it will take him 6 months to get rid of stuff. The real question is: How long do you want to wait. If there's a lot of stuff, 1 month sounds like a more reasonable timeframe.

[@angelagatchell7311]

It's his whole house. I've mentioned to him a few times about the bathroom stuff and told him that you can't start a new chapter if you keep closing the book. We've been dating for 1 1/2 the house looks exactly the same from when she passed 3 yrs ago. His adult sin lives in the house and our whole relationship changed when he came back. I need to have this conversation with him and ask him what he thinks is a reasonable time and tell him mine (now 1 month) see what happens

[@DatingaWidower]

IMO it's a red flag that the house hasn't changed at all. Sounds like emotionally he's not ready to fully move on. Hope your talk can spark him to action. Let us know how it goes.

[@JanicePariza]

I wish I had run!! Same issues.

[@RG-hf4et]

What ever happened with you and the widower, the house and the son?

[@stephendare942]

Its too soon for me to get rid of my wife things yet

[@DatingaWidower]

That's a personal decision, Stephen.

[@margaretwilkinson8188]

then it's too soon to start dating

[@Elitesemi397]

wen will it be the right time remove the late wifes thing its been 3 months since she pasted

[@DatingaWidower]

The ring should be removed once the widower starts dating again.

[@Elitesemi397]

Thanks

[@Elitesemi397]

If my dad has a tattoo of his late wife name will that effect him dating again

[@DatingaWidower]

It might.

[@RG-hf4et]

@@Elitesemi397 Yes.....Most women do not want to get serious with a man who has a woman's name tatooed on him unless maybe she has a guy's name tatooed on her. I honestly wouldn't even want to see "Mom"!

[@MiltonTucker]

Within a week of my first wife passing, I got rid of everything in our bedroom. I gave the cloths my late wife wore regularly to her mother, as she was going to make quilts out of them, and i threw the rest away. I kept 2 of her jackets, and 2 shirts that were very sentimental to me, but placed them in a back closet. The dressers were cheap, and always bothered me, so they went to the landfill, and I replaced them with heirloom quality. The bed, was in poor shape, and was replaced with a high end memory foam. Basically I made the bedroom mine. I lost my second wife 2 weeks ago, and so far the only thing of hers i have been able to get rid of, was her shampoo and razor, from the shower.

[@DatingaWidower]

Milton, why do you think that is?

[@MiltonTucker]

@@DatingaWidower I am not sure. Every thing seams worse this time, i am just a wreck, and not ready to do anything.

[@DatingaWidower]

@@MiltonTucker You're 2 weeks out. Cut yourself some slack. No need to get rid of things this soon. Sounds like you need to let things settle down. Could take a couple of months. Do you have work or hobbies you can use as a distraction and a way to pass the time? Or kids you can focus on?

[@MiltonTucker]

@@DatingaWidower I am not being hard on my self, for doing little with my wife's things this time. When I lost my first wife, I had to make a space that was mine, a space with no reminders. My wife had decorated the house 100%, while I was working out of the country. Everything in the house reminded me of her. I knew there was no way that I was going to make it through, if I did not have a place i could go, and not have the constant reminder of what i had lost. I was not ready to get rid of her belongings, but it was a matter of necessity to get that one room cleared out.

[@DatingaWidower]

@@MiltonTucker Do what you got to do. Sucks you have to go through this twice.

[@ChristinaOstil115]

I threw most my late husband ‘s stuff but I still feel attracted to his photos, personally items and his missionary items. I don’t know what to do with it.

[@DatingaWidower]

Are you dating anyone?

[@ChristinaOstil115]

I’m just with a friend and I’m feeling sometimes by my bishop to move on. It’s kind of hard. My friend that I’m dating would like me to remove photo but he has not remove his own late wives photos.

[@DatingaWidower]

@@ChristinaOstil115 You're friend can't have it both ways. If he wants you to remove the photos of your late husband than the photos of his late wife have to come down too. Have you both talked about what you're willing to live with as far as memories go of your late spouses? Need to get this settled before you become to serious otherwise one or both of you are going to go crazy.

[@ChristinaOstil115]

Dating a Widower ok, I notice that my friend has a depression with OCD.

[@DatingaWidower]

@@ChristinaOstil115 That could be part of the reason he acts that way. Probably a good idea to decide if the depression and OCD are things you can live with.