How and When To Break Away From Someone Who Has An Addiction!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

4️⃣Reasons to walk away: kzbin.info/www/bejne/e3aYdWuLaJmWopY

[@shelleysharun3073]

Did this exact thing in the last week. He left today. I've let him return in the past but that won't be happening again. His promises are empty. I want a partner not a childish man who needs babysitting. I refuse to be friends with him at this point .

[@happycathyinva]

OMG, I am so proud of you! I keep taking him back and he never changes for very long. I had my divorce papers in the court and I took him back 🤮😭

[@moiramarriott4403]

Just going through this in 2023. Its driving me crazy , he helps me , holding out hope, then he lets me down, again I am exhausted . I am also fed up with being blamed for problems he creates

[@brandyedwards714]

I’m literally going through this now…

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

My mum was just getting to that point with my sister but my sister passed away .

[@lilliepad24]

Wow! I told my friend the EXACT same words

[@rockinrrh]

I have waited for almost 14 years. And It is just to traumatizing. It really sucks to walk away. I started getting used to him texting and cussing me out. I decided to take 90 days away from texting him or seeing him. The idea of watching him destroy himself makes me sad. I don’t think he realizes how much it hurts to watch his consequences . I care so much for him but we definitely want different lifestyle’s. Thank you for all your helpful videos. It’s best to part ways. Thank you for the words.

[@charliewhon6548]

If I didn’t know better, I could have written this.

[@dr.jerilynvogelsang3922]

We were together 3 years. The first year and a half was the most amazing of my life...the last year and a half was like being with someone I didn't know. He is an active alcoholic that went from the sweetest, kindest man I ever knew, to a monster. He began the verbal, outrageous abuse complete with name calling and personal degredation. Then 3 times, physical abuse with grabbing me and shaking me while yelling nonsense at me. The last time was 3 weeks ago...we were watching tv and he fell asleep on the couch as usual at 8:30pm, I shut the tv off and went in the bedroom to finish watching for about an hour and went to sleep. He woke up and started drinking alcohol he was hiding in the garage. I realize now, this must have been happening on a daily basis. At 3:00am he barged in my room and I was sound asleep. He began yelling for me to wake up and started shaking me side to side. I really didn't realize what was going on for a few seconds. He kept yelling, "you're going to talk to me now!" I told hime to stop and get out of my bedroom, reminded him he was drunk and told him I would call the police if he didn't. He finally stopped, I locked him out for the night. The next morning he was very quiet and tried to make small talk. It was clear he didn't remember what happened. I told him he should be in jail after assaulting me last night. He said we got in a terrible argument and that's why he did what he did! I told him that never happened! He sat on the couch with his head in his hands and then I guess started gathering some of his things to leave. I was outside cleaning up my bike. He only took a very few things and said to sell or get rid of his things. I had him sign a note with those directives. He told me to get my own phone plan that he was taking me off his the next day. That was 3 weeks ago and I haven't heard from him since. I am not sure if he is near here or with family far away, which makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm not on solid ground and drift back to thinking about the good times. I know he had to leave, he can't stop drinking and he would continue the abuse if I allowed him to stay, but it still hurts.

[@jessicacaceres9301]

Remember the “good times” are a mask he wore to fish you in

[@wmml1974]

I am 5 weeks into the same situation, almost word for word.

[@maryhuffnagle4590]

Gaslighting, telling everyone how horrible you are is Narcissistic behavior. Understanding this behavior help me to understand. Worth looking into.

[@mariaabramowicz8538]

My adult son 35 had been living with us trying to get up on his feet. 6 months later he loses his job money goes missing got arrested w some kid and stole tools from my husband who was more than understanding. He's on the street for 4 days no money food shelter. It hurts me but it helps that I have had enough. How do I stay strong.. I'm letting Go let God. Pray for me. Please

[@adelinaneagu3414]

I m so sorry. Are things better now? Is he okay? Are you okay?

[@annjoyce579]

Great series: I am...not...alone, living with a lifelong meth addict man who rages. I was 86 pounds 5 foot 8 (skeletal), forced into center to eat-- yet drug addicts were in the same place where I met Mr. WRONG.

[@meganlarsen3797]

Omg. Had two addicts in a row. The projections! The spliting and talking about you behind your back! The absolute denial about it being about the weed or the drinking! This video has helped with being more compassionate with myself. Thank you so much

[@terar8854]

Yup….so much fun…especially the splitting!!!

[@carolynwebb8726]

The Projection!!🤯 Call of Duty, weed, soda, coffee and junk food...fills his time with everything toxic and neglects meaningful things....like his family, dogs, hobbies, himself. I think it isn't addiction to substance as much as it is a way to not connect. Addictions and comfort zones release pressure bc connection and love is pressure to them?

[@christophmalone6388]

I’m getting closer and closer to that each day, and it makes me both really happy and really sad. I’ve been standing by my clearly laid out boundaries, and I’ve found a lot of serenity through it. When she recently went on a multi-day bender and didn’t come home, I found the house to just be… peaceful. Like the eye of a storm. After she got back, something felt different inside of me. I truly hope that she sticks with recovery, but I’m starting to understand what it really means to put myself first

[@JesusGodHolySpirit3]

Yes, please put yourself 1st always so that you can lead the blind and not beCOME the blind.

[@TranscendingTrauma]

Such great advice! It can be so hard when they’ve gaslight you so much and then other people gaslight and minimize their behavior. You don’t just walk away it takes a lot of courage and energy. And when you finally do and multiple people shame you for it it’s like the gaslighting and minimizing all over again from the abuser. I remember my neighbor flagging me down and stopping me in the middle of the road to let me know how great my now ex-husband is and how He’s with him. Several years later he apologized to me. That happened with many people. It is hard not to let it bother you but anyone out there that is feeling that backlash from others don’t buy it! Let them believe what they want to you know what you lived through. Stay strong in validating your own decision. They get to make the choices for their life not yours!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's so hard when other people can't see it. Often they blame you for the issue. After a while though, they will see it for themselves. I'm glad your neighbor had enough humility to apologize.

[@jarrodward8211]

That's what's so frustrating. My wife has a problem and we're on the verge of divorce, but nobody except my family believes me. Her family and friends have done nothing to help.

[@vidademimusica]

My day came recently. After all the warnings to my AD and after the splitting came to the ultimate peak and now there were poisonous fumes in my house, I'll cry because I'm heartbroken for my child and broken relationships with my children due to the splitting, but mostly because the substance takes priority over everything I've done for 20 years. But if I continue to hold on, this will kill me before it kills my child😭💔

[@jomomma1512]

Today was my second therapy appointment. After watching your videos & working with her, I have a solid plan for getting out! Thank you!

[@sandrapaterson6322]

Thank you very much. I had been struggling with pressure from fellow aa members regarding “ enabling” my relapsed boyfriend by not breaking up. I’m so glad I listened to you and waited until I felt I had done all I could.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome, Sandra!

[@sallylerma4344]

Knowledge is power. Make a plan and stick to it.

[@seleneee2224]

Omg thank you for this❣️ I’ve been with him for a year and a half, I’m leaving tomorrow❣️ it wasn’t such a hard decision for me to make. He agrees that I have to leave too! He’s not narcissistic and I’m not codependent on him. He’s finally going to take care of himself and get the help he needs. All of the relationships I’ve been trying to be a good influence so he can stop and he has tried really hard. But he can’t heal if I’m there holding his hand, he has to do it himself. And this whole situation has led me to realize that my calling in life is to become a psychologist and an addiction councilor❣️ I want to help people that are going through that because I’ve witness the sadness of someone who’s really sick. But I’m never going to be with someone with an addiction ever again. And if he wants me he’s going to have to change because I’m putting my self first now❤️

[@JesusGodHolySpirit3]

You are weird.

[@i.s.9543]

Great video, Amber, but gosh, when you mentioned them "blowing up the phone," I had flashbacks. That happened to me with the addicted person I was linked to & the final incident was particularly traumatising, on top of the manipulation, gaslighting, rage, & everything else. I cut him off completely after that but the whole experience has been a hard road. For anyone who is dealing with this, I highly recommend booking Kim for a consultation from Hope For Families (Amber name-dropped her in the video). I met with her last month & she is truly amazing!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks for the Kim recommendation! 😁😁😁 Kim is awesome!

[@susansage7218]

Amber, you are so informative concerning this situation. I hope the people who need this, listen to you. Thank you !

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you Susan 💖💖💖

[@user-vf3fg1gl7pMsSandy]

Hi Amber🙋‍♀️..Excellent video, totally agreed. Just to mention, you look so pretty today..your make-up and nails are so awesome!😊

[@PutTheShovelDown]

awwww, thanks Sandy! 😁

[@jcolledge88]

This is exactly what I needed to hear ... thank you 💓

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure!

[@PrettyGirl-v5s]

Facts!

[@gatheringnomoss]

As usual, your advice is practical and consistent and helpful and hits the mark. Best online resource for families dealing with substance use challenges.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awwwww, thank you so much 😁😁😁

[@FoundLamb]

Amber, I want to tell you that if it WASN’T for my decisions and choice to leave my addicted partner DURING a blow out or highly emotional state, I WOULD HAVE END UP DEAD. Due to both the blunting meds doctors put me on, me believing all the bs the addict poured on me daily and the horrible love bombing that occurred every morning after nights of trauma. The gaslighting made me a shell, a zombie etc no therapist, family member or “medication” could help me get out. I HAD TO FEEL ANGER AND STOP STOP STOP SOME OF YOUR OVERLY EMPATHETIC ADVICE on exiting. Had I not started making decisions when I was so MAD, so destroyed- I would have stayed and I would have died. I don’t mean by his hands to be clear.

[@KD-mw3hr]

What is they went to rehab and might not be on drugs anymore but are gaslighting, manipulating and hiding things even more? Is there any hope they will become accountable, trustworthy, respectful, selfless, etc?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's hard to say. How long have they been sober? Sometimes it takes a while for the behaviors to go away completely. Or, it may mean that he's still up to something. Or, it can mean that he hasn't worked on the internal things that were leading to the addiciton.

[@maxt1617]

Each situation may be different (personally- sibling addict across town in their own home), however it felt quite easy personally to let go once the: 1. resentment builds that you've been manipulated for some time, and 2. the realisation of the sheer futility in stopping the slow steamroller no matter all the persuasion angles you take... and 3. realising that there is no relationship between you and the addict anymore because they stopped considering you and reciprocation a few years ago, as the addiction (brandy in this case) occupies their mind. Finally 4. learning about Al Anon's compassionate detachment gave me permission socially to detach. The world doesn't end, the addict doesn't suddenly struggle without you as you feared if you leave them.... they just find new ways to cope and barely notice your absence (except a little badmouthing, that others take no notice of because it's coming from an addict!).

[@lindan2334]

If they would change then you would feel better. It's hard to accept responsibility for your own feelings and trust they have their own guiding power. Still struggling.

[@skelley555]

Every now and then a tiny bit of good will leak out of the worst person so that his mother will keep on loving him.

[@writeousrhema]

Made the decision Friday night.

[@amberd8153]

Im ready to have this talk. We share a home so there’s a lot I have to do first. But I just know I have to go. I have to think of myself.

[@amberd8153]

We had the talk. He relapsed badly. I let him back in because I love him. Not romantically anymore, thats just faded over time, I love him like I do my brother or uncle. I don’t want him in my house or with me but I am afraid he will never get better. I don’t know what to do. Im so unhappy.

[@amberd8153]

His mother also pressures me to help him constantly. Hes not allowed to stay with her so she puts it on me. Shes like the only other person that knows both sides of him so I value my relationship with her.. I just feel like she does not care about me at all because she makes me feel responsible for everything he does. It hurts.

[@MsLaurab1980]

What do we do if it’s our house and they refuse to leave 😢

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sometimes family have to actually file eviction papers. 😐

[@michelle-md8it]

The other day I was told by a friend of my addicted loved one that I should leave him, so he hits rock bottom..

[@doctordove]

Great stuff!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks, Darryl! 😁

[@angj6454]

Great video. Very informative and helpful.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😀

[@barbararemley3874]

I left 8 months ago after 15 years. Now he's sober and I'm not sure anymore. He wants me back. I'm caving. Should I try again? Help!!!

[@victorial8764]

I think if you want to and YOU are doing well you should. Not sure if you are in therapy but that can help. Don’t rush back. If he is good he will wait. Also, I would make sure there are things in place in his life to keep him clean. I hope it works out for you. I know how hard it is. 💕🙏🏻

[@PutTheShovelDown]

How long has he been sober?

[@margaretk5783]

Tell him no ho ho ho.

[@christinafisher6169]

He keeps just adding more people to drink with. He was on something for 3 days, not sure what it was; not eating much, not sleeping much. I'm not sure the details, I was busy working and sleeping, but his behavior was different. Ugh, feel so neglected. Should have seen it coming because before the 3 days he bought me a bunch of stuff, like he was planning to be bad. If I left, he would say we make our own decisions. The sad part is we are married 😔 He just doesn't care what I do and he wants to be treated the same. He has plenty of money, friends, and family support.

[@stephencaudill2422]

best advice on the phone blowing up problem is to get a new phone number on the day of the breakup, because if you block someone they're just gonna borrow someone's phone and harass you to come back playing the guilt card

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's good advice, Stephen!

[@cstarnes1349]

Amber - love your videos - they are helpful, but I am having a hard time imagining how to put these into use practically - it would be really helpful to see some role plays on how to talk to a loved one who is in active addiction and what to do when you really want to scream at them for being irresponsible. . . any role plays on communicating with someone in active addiction would be helpful. It's not my spouse, but adult son who is making me crazy!

[@raqui7994]

I too think a role play would be a great idea!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I've been thinking about doing some video's like that!

[@Lebannax]

This is useful but just wanna question the ‘doing everything you can’ part, especially if you’re just in a relationship and not married. You put yourself through years of pain and exhaustion if you stay and do everything you can, and it can create v unhealthy dynamics within you. I have done a lot but not *everything* and it may be better to simply leave seeing the writing on the wall and avoiding getting into the even bigger shit storm you can see coming It just feels a bit of a codependent thing to say. Why should I sacrifice myself and my mental health for someone else? Why not just cut your losses and find someone more straightforward?

[@jennye3176]

I'm in this situation now. Is "doing everything I can" just waiting it out to see if he sticks to his word? Can I heal on my own and he take control of his situation and change his ways while were in a relationship? Or is It better to just cut my losses now? Very emotionally draining

[@Lebannax]

@@jennye3176 I personally left the relationship last year and had so much more peace, energy and wellness and my whole life improved in countless areas. I still miss him occasionally and don't massively love being single, but the difference is huge.

[@jennye3176]

@@Lebannax thanks for replying, and really nice to hear you're at a more peaceful state now. I do think leaving the relationship will be a relief in a way. Its hard to grieve the version of himself I fell in love with and hope he can be that person in the future, but I have to look at the facts and his actions and patterns that tell the true version.

[@Lebannax]

@@jennye3176 I'm sorry it's really really hard and no easy answer :( But ultimately I want a stable husband

[@silvermaple-n6n]

Thank you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You bet!

[@clubfishersd]

How to say you want a time apart to evaluate our situation away from each other? Is there ever value.

[@66chrissymac66]

Amber, my husband has been sober for 11 months and doing all the right things. I left with my daughter when he was out of control and very verbally abusive to her. I am trying to make things work but my kids hate him and want nothing to do with him. I am torn as he is not their dad, and I can’t blame them, he was horrible. I have rebuilt my life and wonder if the friction will ever go away, or if I should just move on. Any advice on step kids and alcohol recovery? I don’t want to have to choose but am afraid he’ll relapse anyway.

[@margaretk5783]

You have the answer already. You built a new life of without him. You don’t need him for any good reason.

[@carriemcclure7253]

Pick your children please

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That definitely makes it way more difficult. How old are your kids? Are they still young and living in the house, or are they adults?

[@66chrissymac66]

@@PutTheShovelDown They are both older, 24 and 28. They live on their own and are doing well. I have been the sole parent for their whole lives, so we have always been super close. I’m struggling with having my life but still maintaining our relationship. I feel stuck

[@19katsandcounting]

@@66chrissymac66 if you don’t trust him not to relapse, then imagine letting him back in after all the work you’ve done, and the situation escalates again? He really needs to be militantly committed to recovery, it takes a few years. I’m in the same situation as you, but I got to the point where I’m done. He’d have to move heaven and earth to make me go back to him. And that’s if I’m still available. No more relationships with addicts for me ever again. I was never an addict, so I can’t take that chance with my codependency anymore. It’s too gut wrenching.

[@erikahish]

Thanks!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, thanks so much erikahish! 😁😁😁😁😁

[@Hope-od6fy]

Answer is respect simple has that. Space cames along with it. Mixtec. Culture.

[@rachelstuckey265]

Thank you

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure! Glad you liked it, Rachel 😁💟

[@jenniferrivera5461]

What if they r stealing from u and u r married to them ?

[@karlataylor1172]

It's not that difficult as l am much happier without awful people in my life ......they keep coming back though. That's my problem. They refuse to leave me in peace. The psychopath keeps coming back. Considering going to the police and talking to a lawyer. LMAO!! Hope??? I have no hope for these people anymore. None.

[@lovedandabundant6384]

I have just had to do this, but it took me years of breaking the bond. Watching him deny the addiction, deteriorate before my eyes and become nastier and nastier🤦‍♀️ You made an analogy in your recent post about grief that if you cannot rescue them from the burning building, you have to save yourself. The old oxygen mask ideology. I would like to say that the lights were on and nobody was home, but increasingly I’m not even sure if at times those lights were on. What I do know was that conversations were non-sensical, one sided with no interest in anyone else but them. Some days would be full of one word answers, some were manic. I can see the extent of how the mind has been affected and I don’t believe they’re coming back- mentally or emotionally. The whole situation is very sad, but I had to save myself.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I know that must have been a really hard decision. I'm glad you kept a healthy boundary for yourself. 💗

[@melissatogher3207]

He's causing us starvation, I deserve better by I love him so much however I am weak and miserable

[@pjsmith4369]

This must be about partners with addictions. I have lived with kids and grandkids with addictions. There is so little that you can do. In the end - you basically try to keep them from being homeless. You just love them for who they are. You cannot stop their addictions. If they make it to adulthood alive and are working on their addictions by themselves, you have a success story. Learn to not care what other people ( your own family - the worst ) think of them and think what a terrible parent you must have been - even you have other children who are fine and successful. You brought them up to the best of your ability. You were wonderful parents. Why they have addictions is not the point. That they know they are always loved and prayed for is really all you can do.

[@cyndigooch1162]

Pj Smith This is a lovely comment and I feel that it's important to add that many parents, or just one, and/or other caregivers do physchologically, physically and sexually abuse their children though, which can cause them to drink a lot, or whatever works, in order to cope with the pain and traumatic memories. I'm NOT inferring that this happened in your sad case; however, it's certainly much more common than many people realise. I have a lot of personal experience in this area and won't go into the graphic details here, except to mention that the parent/s etc usually have their own unhealed childhood trauma, hence why it's best that they don't have children, unless they can do their healing work. In fact, my very troubled mother used to say that she should never have had me and my younger sister and brother, which wasn't helpful for children to hear. 😥

[@victoriadaniel1527]

What if they are stealing from you Sleeping all day Not in education Stealing from other children to buy drugs Police turning up daily I have another child in the house and a single mother

[@user-bb3sg5yk5r]

Why are you smiling and laughing at times?

[@jessicacaceres9301]

A cop told me they don’t get better they only get worse

[@PutTheShovelDown]

If they don't stop, it will get worse and worse. But many people are able to overcome it.

[@vidademimusica]

😢

[@vidademimusica]

When it's your child YOU'RE ALWAYS GONNA FEEL HEARTBROKEN 😭 & guilty, not if but when something bad happens

[@ALex-yv8xw]

What if your addiction is a 12 step program? 😆 seriously .....

[@thebethlehem2852]

How can you give up on a loved one, that’s fake love 💕

[@sweetcake21207]

He’s tried to kill me earlier this week. Before they were just threats but actually trying to kill me was different. I love him but I know I’ll be dead if I go back.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Please don't put yourself in an unsafe situation, Alexis💖

[@javeriaqureshi9540]

i cant afford ur online consulatation, but i really want to talk to u want ur help im suffering alot becoz of my partner is it possible to hav talk with u via email or anything ?? plz

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Javeria, Here are a few options. 1. We do offer email consultations (which are much less expensive). 2. We also have a FREE FB group for family members. facebook.com/groups/familyrecoverysupport 3. We do monthly roup live calls in our membership group, were people can talk to us, ask questions, etc..

[@javeriaqureshi9540]

@@PutTheShovelDown thank u so much for ur response

[@luben3045]

Shell we supply our addicted daugher with money, products, accomodation cost, medicine, medical insurance remotedly?

[@comeon_man]

I put the shovel down this morning. Asked told wife to leave for good, she did. I finally told her I didn’t care anymore. And wanted her gone from my life. It was like I was bleeding to death.