How to Break Free From Being A Codependent Person: A Guide For Addicts and Non-Addicts

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Download my notes for this video 👉🏻👉🏻 www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/download-notes

[@GwenLawrence-z5t]

I believe addicts seek out codependent partners. They are attracted to the caretaking, strong. Rescuer.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

They can also create codependents.

[@roxy7255]

This is such an important video. I see support groups where codependency and enabling is banned from being spoke about. On the same groups I see partners stuck in unhealthy cycles for years being told just keep ‘loving and supporting’.

[@brightpage1020]

Lisa Tuerkuerst has a great book called Good Boundaries and Good byes about forgiving from a safe distance. That forgiveness doesn’t have to equal reconciliation. That support could be offering an example that you respect yourself enough to protect yourself. And that inspires or informs others how to respect and protect you and why it’s important to them to follow suit.

[@rubenvargas8288]

The weight that It took of , you have no idea. The mess it had created was ridiculous. The mental capacity it gave me back, you have no idea! Thank you again, and may the Universe bless you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you for your kind words, Ruben!

[@brightpage1020]

I don’t have the luxury of being codependent. I have young children to protect. And myself. I can offer love and support and will forgive from a safe distance. I send care packages to rehab and help pitch in for it or for legal fees regarding how you got there… or whatever. And I’ll listen if you call me from a healthy state of mind. But I can’t let my life get off track to save yours. I can’t set myself on fire to keep you warm.

[@ritatharp5238]

Having been co-dependant myself I usually ask myself now what is and isn't my personal responsibility. It was😮 a very bitter pill for me to swallow to to learn after so many years that I thought I was helping people I find out I was hindering their own personal growth and responsibility😢

[@KMHSeattle]

Me too Rita, me too. 💞💜💞

[@OutToTheWoods]

❤

[@ritatharp5238]

​@@KMHSeattle❤️

[@LisaRobinson-we1ms]

Interesting

[@hopeortiz134]

Same here Rita🌸I find myself now evaluating the situation before I act or say anything.

[@debrasmith8860]

I have been a care giver all my life. Fear of loosing someone.

[@debshirley6904]

Amber, thank you for what you do... you are priceless❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, thank you!

[@gizzardlargen]

I would pick the most "unlovable". I think in my SICK twisted way of thinking, I thought if I brought them home,and took care of them . That they would be grateful and love me back. I would have been much better off if I would have went to the dog shelter for a "Rescue" LOL🤔

[@iw9338]

I was so focused on everyone else to the detriment of my own well being. Finally i realized that my helping is Not helpful 😮😅

[@aprilmills9285]

You are a God Sent!! You are an emotional Warrior! Thank You?

[@aprilmills9285]

Yes. My youngest son is 29. now. He is DRAINING.

[@amylebaron6544]

Amber you are wonderful! Thanks for putting this content out there-it’s so validating and eye opening. You’re doing a great work-helping so many.

[@rubenvargas8288]

Ms. Hollingsworth you are as beautiful as wise. Not trying to fawn. Don’t want to fall in that cycle of codependency. But it helped. In the first half of this video I got half of my problems solved. Nail in the head.. I’ve been trying figure out the same issues for decades. And I had come 60-70% close to solving them. The order that you had and details in which the way you said them worked! At least for me. You are a good counselor, southern woman! Thank you!!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, thank you so much! You've put a big smile on my face 😀😀

[@katherinefrench5268]

Thank you Amber! There was several questions that apply to my situation with my adult son, and I really learned a lot from your answers!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

So glad this was helpful!

[@NancyStinger-ll6wt]

Darn I missed the live so watching playback . As always Amber another very helpful video. So grateful for the time and effort that you provide to all of us going through this . ❤️🙏🏼

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome, Nancy!

[@monaperry2635]

Great information and thankyou for breaking the myth that if we have co dependent traits we attract addicts/alcoholics and have had addicts/alcoholism in our lives as kids. Some roots of co dependency also come from childhood abuse/trauma.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're very welcome

[@mikeinmelbourne9491]

Thanks Amber, seeing channel grow to this level is amazing and well deserved. Your videos have been an immense help to me. Thank you.

[@JenniferJMcClanahan]

😅 'the person in your life who has a lot of needs' is an excellent phrase that I'm going to be using frequently lol

[@Xrusha_]

Your videos always come at the perfect time 🌟

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I try! 😜

[@HumayunMirza-s8f]

Great vlog as usual. Good tips n awareness on codep. As addiction is a long term process so is codep. It wud take lots of effort time constant building information n support to keep going. Keep going little bit in right direction will finally make some codep. strong enough to get control over ones life. Too much time codep spend on controlling or enabling the dep. Love one instead focussing on yourself.

[@ritatharp5238]

Choose guilt over resentment, I love that comment.

[@Saltink902]

Thank you Amber for all you do! ❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome!

[@victoriacortina7715]

Wonderful video Amber. Love your content.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Geeee, thanks Victoria 😁

[@iw9338]

I think its a multifaceted response to trauma , fear and attachment issues.

[@dashamarkovich7447]

I just wanted to say I really like your accent/listening to you speak haha ❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Oh thank you!

[@michelleradford5956]

Wow. You are describing me to a tea. I am trying to find a surprise to help me with my issues. But right now i'm having no luck.

[@teresa1710]

Another reason. Is that you are in some way enabling the addiction by making their life easier

[@PutTheShovelDown]

💯💯💯💯

[@teresa1710]

@@PutTheShovelDown thank you for all you do. My partner has just stopped a £200 a day coke habit. No cravings. But secretly drinking and it will kill him. I have got to take a back seat in a different bus. Your podcasts keep me sane 🥴xx

[@ritatharp5238]

My X-husband wouldn't talk to me for days, and every time I asked him what was wrong, he would say: "YOU KNOW what you did"!!! To this day decades later I STILL don't know what I did. What is the matter with me?🤷

[@sandratreston]

It's what is a matter with HIM.

[@tracywilliams4508]

This is such an eye-opener thanks for this

[@susangantley6394]

#replay. I do agree with staying in unhealthy relationships longer & don't have healthy boundaries. I think codependent do unconsiously seek out people whom they think they can 'help' 'fix' or 'change'.

[@mellowray561]

Just started listening but already thank you for scrapping that old idea of why we have “codependency.”

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Happy to help!

[@joycereinhardt521]

I'm glad I came across this. Notes please. Thank you. It's been 2weeks worrying about him having enough food so afraid.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You got it, Joy: Download my notes for this video: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/download-notes

[@trinidadr.6832]

Thank you 🙏

[@srishtisuman8958]

Amber thanks so much. I can totally relate to this concept. My husband is a couple of weeks sober after so many trial and errors, and is saying he wants to see how he feels after 21 days sober. I am so on edge and I am feeling like every small thing he does I get alarmed by it. I am just over compromising with his mood swings and taking all the grunt. I really don't want to get back on the roller coaster with him. Of course he has many things to repair in his life and I want to keep healthy boundaries in terms of how much I will help. Any advice for me to feel better and not let his emotions/actions dictate how I feel?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm sure you've been through a lot. It's really hard not to be hypervigilent, when you've been through so many ups and downs. Many people develop trauma like symptoms. Try not to let yourself go into the rabbit hole thinking about it all the time (if you can help it). Get some distance when possible. If you still find that you're on edge. You may want to get some help.

[@nobama3468]

timely message for me, thanks

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome

[@aprilmills9285]

I do so like your hair and your fight.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awww, thanks April! 😁

[@catherinewall5959]

Your content is invaluable. Addicted friend who had either a brain injury from falling or wet brain. She can barely function.. but is supported by friends. Can you use the same techniques when someone is mindless?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Catherine! The techniques we talk about on this channel are a good way to help anyone who needs to make a change. However, if there is a major brain injury, it might not be enough because they have less impulse control.

[@catherinefahey-hunt2963]

Notes please! Would be so helpful.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/download-notes

[@egretion]

It is true that it is easier to manage the inner struggle of feeling guilty. Than the inner struggle of having resentment.. What is even harder though I think is choosing shame over guilt. There are children's folk stories that talk about how people would rather do something that they would feel guilty for... Because then at least they have some control over a situation... Where is feeling shame is an unstoppable descent sometimes... Like the earth, it's just going to swallow you up and there's nothing you can do. Having the strength to just endure feeling ashamed rather than to try and distract yourself. By thinking you have some control over it even if it means being guilty... Next level. My grandmother used to tell me that's what the story rumpelstiltskin is about... The little man's name meaning wrinkled for skin in german. The Miller is ashamed to be poor when the king comes by. So he does something to make himself. Feel guilty by telling a lie about his daughter spinning straw and gold. But she gets down there in the basement and knows that she can't and is just ashamed and cries... And that's when the little magical person shows up. Who also has something they are ashamed about and tries to hide... You cannot guess my name... Until she does and reveals the meaning.. And then what happens? The little man feels so angry At his shame being revealed he stamps his foot And the earth swallows him up.

[@jazeeraaitzhanova4582]

You are the best. Thanks

[@jenniferhanlon5974]

Notes. My partners addiction has caused her to be in and out of incarceration for almost 30 years. My two and a half years with her has been a ride but she's finally addressing her mental health issue as well. There's not much help for that. The most I can do is send your information through the prison message system. I have a site that transcribes KZbin videos but without transcripts it doesn't work. This would be a good one to send to help show my side of this situation. Thanks for offering notes I hope you wind up doing them.

[@rhondawhitten92]

???12:47 in Arizona. I grew up in a home that was wonderful. My parent were kind and giving to each other. Never witnessed a fight. When I married 48 yrs ago I thought if I treated my husband good he would do the same. When he didn’t want to do something ex: help with kids, come home after work, etc. he just didn’t do it. I have so much resentment and it is everything you describe in our relationship. After 48 yrs kids grown I am so emotionally removed from him. I just do my own thing. He has quite drinking for 4 months. I doubt his selfish behaviour will ever change. He doesn’t see it. He is an amazing person when he feels like it.

[@JohnGlen502]

When he feels like it? That's an interesting thing to say.

[@babydollkincaid4584]

What?🙄🤔​@@JohnGlen502

[@trollsnotwelcome7805]

Your self worth, value and belief of what normal is if you grow up around addiction is not healthy and so you tend to make allowances for a person who is not treating you well. However how does it happen if its your son or daughter??

[@PutTheShovelDown]

If you're self-worth is lower, you're more likely to accept bad behavior from a kid as well

[@joannsabatowich4316]

my addicted loved ones seem selfish when they are actively using

[@EmJade-xw3do]

this is hard to understand but they do care about you, and are taking your feelings into consideration however they are self medicating and are trying to sooth the pain of either physical pain / suffering or mentally pain / suffering - one can lead to the other vise versa but just because they messed up and didn’t get completely clean because it’s what you want doesn’t mean we should take it out on them and suddenly stop supporting them / being around / hanging out with them. my mother has kicked me out many many times i’m homeless rn because every time i relapse she takes everything i built up away from me- i think to represent what i did to myself by relapsing. i would NEVER kick my child out of my home for relapsing because that’s the biggest part of recovery. and as addicts we do care about our loved ones, sometimes we don’t choose our loved ones over the drugs and thats not okay but that means we need extra help and patience because our brain is rewired and functioning differently to make drugs a bigger priority than keeping our circle happy, healthy and alive. sorry for all the texts but please don’t view it as selfish; we’re vulnerable, guilty, and crying out for help.

[@Jack-il3qv]

I once read of a woman telling her husband-to-be on the day before they were married, 'Don't you get ill or I will leave you. I'm not going to spend my life looking after an invalid.' Honesty.. It takes all sorts to make a world.

[@joannsabatowich4316]

i feel badgered by my addicts for help. it feels like they are trying to control me

[@JordanCe-lh3ny]

Hi from north Dakota 🙂👋 and I'm native American and I say that your like the most beautiful woman in the world 😊❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤and i still got this pow wow to go to this month I'm gonna be dancing I'm excited about it but I hurt my ankle the other day I don't know if I can dance now 😊

[@melissalarson2569]

I'm from Wisconsin and we have alot of pow wow here. They are so beautiful to watch.

[@JordanCe-lh3ny]

@@melissalarson2569 I know that pow wows are beautiful to watch

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, thank you. Hope that ankle heals quickly!

[@00Kath]

Notes 😊

[@djstravels4828]

Normally when he messes up and needs money I send it as soon as he starts playing the tiny violin. This time. Not doing it at all. Just wait on to see how it works. Even though I know his ex is giving him the money.

[@rosarioquiroga8300]

How long this boundary of resentment can last?? Even do they are with the problem. I am the codependent, afraid that I will lose them. And I will do anything for them 🕊🙏🏼what is your suggestions pls

[@Josie-kb7jo]

Yes!!

[@mattng4707]

Absoluteley love this, i hate it the advice stop doing this doing that as if a grown ass adults doesnt know ..luv ya vids

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😁😁😁

[@Lovey-t1j]

📝 thank you

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're most welcome!

[@sandydalton7503]

Thank you for the refresher and great examples. Thought I addressed these issues 20 years ago relevant to having alcoholic parents. Then picked a relationship post divorce of a man who enables horribly his adult addict children/siblings and find MY codependency in full effect with "helping" him. Maybe because I was vulnerable and anxiously attached too soon. SO at 50 back to therapy I Go, no more time to waste.

[@TeaRose9]

Amber will you please share the name of the doctor KZbinr who you’re talking about you did the reaction video with, please?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Dr. Delony

[@joellabrizuela1301]

My alcoholic spouse that I am seperated from asked me for a $10,000 loan . I always have helped him financially with big expenses but he never really has returned the favor nor have I asked that much. I am willing to help a little bit not that much. Because he ends up disrespecting me

[@lauraquaid7190]

Notes please.

[@JenLong1904]

Is this content that is discussed at Al Anon meetings?

[@kylara1360]

Notes please!!!!!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Download Amber's notes for this video: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/download-notes

[@JoTurner-fg8bx]

Notes

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Download Amber's notes for this video: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/download-notes

[@colleen.f.s]

Notes please

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Download Amber's notes for this video: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/download-notes

[@serafinamauro9264]

Notes, please.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Download my notes for this video: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/download-notes

[@torshie1044]

Notes.

[@aublej1]

Adult alcoholic son with two children who are suffering. Their mom is also an alcoholic. Am I codependent to keep reducing these kids? Am I wrong to care for the children over and over when they take turns relapsing. At what point do I just call in DCS and stop bailing the parents out.

[@KonstantinaKatehis]

😊

[@TeaRose9]

I have tremendous parent guilt from choosing to marry an extremely toxic man. 💔

[@sweetwort]

notes

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Download Amber's notes for this video: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/download-notes

[@aprilmills9285]

I i have 4. Kids. Im 60. this month i have 4. Adult children. An 2. Beautiful 2 an 3.years.

[@chad4766]

I'm addicted to sugar. I feel i could beat it, if my wife would stop buying oreos.

[@vannahhall915]

📝

[@TeaRose9]

So don’t you actually mean “ choose guilt over resentment “? 🤔

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Yes, I know I messed that one up big time! 😆 It's supposed to be guilt over resentment.

[@kirstenbuckhalt5280]

#playback

[@yellowgirl273]

With the invent of social media narcissism is at an all time high so I have to disagree there. I know a full family of them. It’s like a cult LOL

[@aprilmills9285]

He is an alcoholic. Plus some other psychological stuff

[@aprilmills9285]

I am getting old

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I think you meant "wise"! 😜

[@agoodgurl2k]

Sigh

[@debrasmith8860]

📋

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Download my notes for this video 👉🏻👉🏻 www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/download-notes

[@dove-qs5or]

📑 thanks!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Welcome. Download Amber's notes for this video: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/download-notes

[@jennyson6602]

🗒 please!

[@rhonda674]

Notes please

[@Wellnessuntamed]

Notes

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You got it 👉🏻 www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/download-notes

[@stephanieeastman2791]

Notes

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You got it Stephanie 👉🏻 www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/download-notes

[@lorirodeheaver7375]

Notes please

[@annaparizek5313]

Notes

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You got it, Anna 👉🏻 Download Amber's notes for this video: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/download-notes

[@TheStrong2021]

Notes

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Download Amber's notes for this video: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/download-notes

[@kimg5784]

Notes

[@jlamantia3]

Notes

[@elizabethedgerton7469]

Notes

[@treniadasher9380]

Notes