Am I An Idiot For Staying With My Addicted/Alcoholic Spouse?

This framework will help you decide whether or not you should stay (or leave) your addicted spouse.
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[@PutTheShovelDown]

Need more help deciding whether to Stay or Go? Watch this next 👉🏻👉🏻kzbin.info/www/bejne/e5_Qe39ur6epp8k

[@larry1824]

Run run run. You cant save him but you must save yourself

[@magpackdoggos375]

That’s my main conflict: have I done everything I possibly can before I decide to leave?

[@Hello-mh4pj]

My alcoholic ex went on a “bender” two days before Christmas. We’ve only been together for a year. I’m done. The anxiety of wondering what state he’ll be in every time we meet is too much. He’s in denial he’s an alcoholic. He lets people down all the time. I feel sorry for his children. I feel like a weights been lifted from me.

[@marydonald3453]

It's likely his children are learning a lifetime lesson of their own-what not to do. Pain now, will turn to profit. later.

[@tinywalnut6337]

Girl, I'm going through the same thing. I literally have a post-it note on my desk that says "free yourself of the weight." Can't wait until I actually feel that way--I'm still just heartbroken.

[@tubitee1765]

Run far far away !!!

[@gabybop]

I feel like a complete naive fool for staying with mine. Recently we had a month or so of absolute peace and bliss in our marriage (5 years) of him being sober. But now he’s drinking again. He knows it’s a problem, but he’s doing nothing about it, he even justifies it by stating the month or so of being sober. It’s getting to be the worst it’s ever been. I want to leave. Truly. But I also love him, know he’s a good person, and see so much potential in him. It all makes me wish I could just disappear sometimes.

[@Michelle-mu2ux]

one day at a time...its not personal

[@sonnetspring]

Sounds so familiar to what I’m going through. Makes me just dissociate sometimes.

[@d1v1n1ti]

I feel this

[@marthas.4456]

Make him choose between you and the alcohol.... Hopefully he will see the errors of his ways and how his drinking is impacting you.

[@claudiajones356]

Love them afar

[@StellaM22]

Yes. The answer is yes. Im 13 years down and nothings changed. Run!

[@independentempath7768]

The worst part is when they display not only addiction but narcissistic personality disorder and are addicted to porn

[@Michelle-mu2ux]

he is addicted. do not take the porn personally

[@marthas.4456]

Many addicts have narcissistic personality disorder, that's true.

[@D6EH]

Had to end it. She won’t accept that she’s addicted to alcohol, even after it was at the root of every issue, furthered bad behavior, and almost caused liver damage. Alcohol ruined almost every “date night” and she couldn’t admit the obvious. There just was no “off” button. I’ve already forgiven her, but forgiveness won’t cause me to have forgetfulness. Damage done, had to move on. Thanks for the videos Amber, you helped me identify the problem and understand enough to make a decision with eyes open.

[@Hello-mh4pj]

You did the right thing.

[@D6EH]

@@Hello-mh4pj thanks. She can continue to wash down her benzodiazepines with scotch, but I won’t be there to watch….or worry. 😎

[@bayareaprepper]

@@D6EH Good job brother. You can't fix anyone. Just share your wholeness with someone whole.

[@marydonald3453]

After giving her multiple chances, it's time to move on. Cut your losses much like you would a bad financial investment.

[@tinywalnut6337]

​@@D6EHI need to match this energy. I've done what I can. I don't want to watch him die and ruin my life in the process.

[@brendangallagher5336]

I got sober when I hit that crossroad in my relationship with my wife. Where I had two choices. I could keep drinking and risk losing everything, or I could choose life/sobriety and my wife. Well, I love my wife more then I could ever love an addiction. In fact, I hate my addiction. I hate being an alcoholic. But I am and I accept it. Instead of leaving me she’s actually proud of me and all the effort and work I’ve put in with AA etc. she’s my rock and if it wasn’t for her support I probably would have never gotten sober. She knows I put in the work everyday for my sobriety and i’m grateful to have her support. It’s not easy to confront alcoholism. If you’re a struggling alcoholic, theres help out there! Don’t let alcohol rob you of everything! It tried to rob me and that’s when I knew it was time to change. I’m grateful for my wife and my sobriety!

[@d1v1n1ti]

how did you choose to do the journey? if you don't mind me asking... did she threaten to leave? or had you had a bottom of your own. I'm the girlfriend of an alcoholic, I can tell he wants to get married and I'm terrified to move forward. He's not in any denial, but he also doesn't have any motive to quit, as it's not affecting his life in any negative way. He has a home, secure work, transportation but I can tell a lot of sadness or anger towards himself and his pride is thick. He treats me with reverence! I've never been treated so well in my entire life by anyone and I'm so confused how to walk Away. I'm a previous active addict but not with alcohol. My drug use was a lot harder to maintain and had severe consequences, I sponsor as well... so for the first time, I'm baffled how I got into this circumstance. I don't know if I'm being love bombed, if I'm insecure or just used to being the child of an alcoholic- my father. He says the same to me that you said here... that I'm the light in his life and how I helped him from not going off the deep end when he lost his mother recently... I don't even know how to take that anyways, anything you feel comfortable in sharing, I appreciate hearing your point of view, just for my own understanding and peace thank you 🙏🏽 God bless your recovery and I wish you the best

[@brendangallagher5336]

​@@d1v1n1ti Hello there, thank you so much for sharing I can absolutely relate to so much of what you have shared. Except, in my case I'm the alcoholic. First off, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through and it's not fair to you and it's not your fault. Your boyfriend sounds a lot like me. We often think we don't have a serious problem. Like your boyfriend, I have a full-time career, a home, an income, all my bills are paid; so what's the problem? Why change? That's how I was for a long time. On the surface, I didn't see the problem. Somebody with a problem drinks out of a paper bag and sleeps under a bridge, right? That wasn't me. Well, it turns out just because that wasn't me, didn't mean I didn't have a serious problem. I was a high functioning alcoholic. I knew my drinking was abnormal and off the hinges, But I was in denial. I didn't want to admit I had a problem, mainly because I didn't want to stop drinking! When I finally came around and admitted it to myself, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders; in that brief moment, I felt spiritual freedom. It was my higher power showing me through a direct spiritual experience just how enslaved I was to alcohol for so long and didn't even know it. I was also finally getting honest with myself, because I was a liar. As an alcoholic I was a liar and I was lying to myself the most. Alcoholism is a cunning, sneaky and progressive disease and it never gets better if left untreated, it will only get worse.. An active alcoholic won't see how drinking is subtly ruining their lives. That's why often times it takes an intervention. It sounds like your boyfriend has at least recognized step 1, which is admitting he has a problem and I'm sure he's an amazing guy! Alcohol doesn't discriminate, It'll take anyone. NOW to answer your question (I'll try not to write a novel) Enough was becoming enough. I may have been paying the bills and working a full-time job, but I was miserable! I was depressed, bipolar, irritable, excessively angry. I was never a mean drunk but I was a bad drunk. I was nasty, and it was getting worse. My wife can tell you I'm the sweetest guy, but alcohol brought out the worst in me as it does for anyone honestly. Worst of all I was a liar when I was drinking. My mental health was deteriorating and I just couldn't pin point what my problem was. In fact, the solution to these problems at the time was to keep drinking. So I was using the very problem to self-medicate the problem. That's the cycle of insanity for an alcoholic. I could always stop drinking but I could never stay stopped, So I didn't know how much better I would feel, sober. Alcohol can affect your mind and body for up to eight days -- back then if you told me to go a week without drinking I'd laugh in your face. Not possible.. Well, today I can say it absolutely is! When I finally got sober my depression went away, my health problems went away, my mental health normalized and I discovered I was never depressed, I was never crazy, I was never any of that.. In fact, in sobriety I found God, I found an authentic sense of joy and inner peace and enthusiasm for my life! I found actual happiness and contentment. These were all things that alcohol was robbing me of for so long. Alcohol is a thief and it wants to rob you of all these things. As a functioning alcoholic I never saw how much it actually was destroying my life, underneath the surface. EVEN WORSE, I never saw how much I was hurting other people like my wife and my family and those around me. So my wife at the time gave me an ultimatum, either I get some help, or she was done. It was a scare tactic. Would she have absolutely left? I was not going to risk finding out. In that moment, I knew what I needed to do. I was heart broken at first and wallowing in my own self-pity with another drink in my hand, but I needed to man up and change. She was firm but she also came from a place of love. Like they say in AA, I had to play the tape. What will my life look like 5-10 years from now if i don't get some help? Divorced, alcoholic, losing my career, depression etc etc. It was just time to change. I knew if I kept drinking it was only going to get worse. So we decided I should go to rehab and I went to a 30 day rehab and that's really when my recovery started. Now I continue my recovery and I go to meetings, almost every day. There's a cure for alcoholism but it only works one day at a time! So I keep going to meetings because I know the lies will return and that cunning little voice in my head will try to talk me into drinking again if i wither away from the program. Meetings keep my head straight. It sounds like your boyfriend has accepted step 1 at least and admitted he has a problem, that's a huge start, but it sounds like he needs to realize how serious it is and that it actually is affecting his life in a negative way. On the surface he has a job, right? He's a functional alcoholic? But you're considering walking away because of his alcoholism and it's hurting you. So there is a relationship struggle, So that right there shows that his drinking is affecting his life and yours in a very negative way. You said he lost his mother recently, that's awful and I'm so sorry. It sounds like he's in pain and he's suffering and he cant manage the emotions, so he's turning to the bottle to cope. Alcohol is affecting his life a lot more than he can see right now and I hope I'm shedding some light here. I'm not a professional interventionist, I just know what worked for me and he needs to know how badly he's hurting you and the relationship with his drinking. The hardest part however is you cant force an alcoholic to change, they have to want it. If you love him show him how much his drinking is hurting you, if he loves you, hopefully he will see that it's time to change. Hope this was at least a tad helpful. Praying for both of you! Overcoming alcoholism is never easy but your boyfriend has a life of joy, happiness and abundance just waiting for him on the other side, if he can get the help he needs to put the bottle down. See if he'll consider an open AA meeting just to see what it's like, meet some sober people and hear some stories just like this! It's very therapeutic also and there's no judgement. Quitting drinking was the best decision I ever made and I hope the same for your boyfriend! God bless you both.

[@d1v1n1ti]

@@brendangallagher5336since I went through my own recovery 9 years ago, I know where to find local meetings. I don't think he's ready for that step yet ... he works construction, which makes things a little harder in the changing department (not impossible but more challenging) he has to wait for an opportunity to take time off for a rehab... and that's where he shuts the idea of quitting off ... then he goes back to "I'm just gonna cut back"... as a sponsor, words are cheap, and as a recovered addict myself, even more cheap and I let him know. From a place of love. I work in healthcare, we are both older ish late30 and early 40's. I quit smoking cigarettes when i got off the street as a junky. oddly I don't relate as well to alcoholism as I never struggled with it and it seems way harder to stop almost but I've been to a ton of AA and had a couple AA sponsors so I'm familiar there. I won't push him, when he's ready, I can sense he will do what he has to do. He seems to have his head on like you say, functional paying bills - but still in that cycle. I'm just grateful we aren't in Denial so from here, pray that he gets the courage to jump 🙏🏽 see the other side

[@d1v1n1ti]

@@brendangallagher5336 thank you for the time you took to share with me 🙏🏽

[@oedeko3020]

I was completely like you. I was in a complete denial. I never admitted that I was an Alcohol-dependent. I have a nice job. I drank whiskey nearly daily for 22 years. But, I only drank whiskey at home, after work. My wife was of no help to me. She was telling all her friends that I was alcoholic. Any time there was a quarrel between us, even if she was clearly wrong, she would blame alcohol for it. One day, on the way to the supermarket, I was controlled by the police. My driving license was taken away from me for six months. Good news. Now, there was a very good reason to stop drinking alcohol. I personally told the authority that I would extend the six months by six months. So, I stopped drinking alcohol for 12 months. After that, I underwent a medical / psychological exams. I passed. I got back my driving license. Now, it is 18 months since I stopped drinking alcohol. Nothing will make me go back to it. I feel better and sleep better than the time I was drinking alcohol. I no more hear the still small voice asking me to drink alcohol. I have defeated alcohol. Nevertheless, I still attend AA meetings. I feel happy, too, because whenever there is a misunderstanding between me and my wife, she will never say, again, that my reaction is because I am drunk. By my calculation, I spent about 2000 Dollars per year in drinking whiskey.

[@kimbartalos9698]

Thank God for you all. Amber speaks so much truth in love for our addicted loved ones. I wish they could all be rescued. I know it's a survival proposition and I want to survive this! I haven't commented for awhile, but this clip, at just the right time has me thinking.... My high school sweetheart came back into my life 6 years ago. I think he rescued me from a 20 year marriage that had long been dead, he gave me the strength and the hope that something better was out there. All to find the mess of his meth addiction which I totally didn't get or understand for a few years until I found Amber's community. Long story short, I started praying him out of my life and I got blessed with him spending 18 months in prison. Silly me, I didn't want to leave him when I thought he needed someone like me the most. I spent those 18 months grounding myself, finding abundant peace and self love in my freedom from the chaos. Now he's out and back in my life and relapsing and I have so little patience for it. It's my home, I can't and won't leave, 911 is my last option if it comes to it, did it before, will do it again, just wish it was different. I'm very suspicious of all his actions and yesterday was a hard day of fighting off the urge to bite at the "bait" to become the bad guy. I found myself simply silent to his rant. I continue to stay grounded and pray lots, avoiding the fight but I find myself at the DONE stage. Thanks Amber for all of the hope and all of the help you provide to those who find you! and thank you so very much for helping me see the patterns that allow me to continue to break the chains that bind me....

[@fatmanoutdoors6888]

Yes and no. My wife stuck by me and eventually gave me an ultimatum. After she stood by me for years i had to do right by her so i got sober. I appreciate her more than i probably normally would have knowing what she went through for me. However, looking back, i would not have blamed her for leaving me. Im a functioning alcoholic, so i was always there and never missed work, i made good money and paid for her to go to college....but i wasnt really there....if that makes sense.

[@merricat3025]

Makes total sense. Not all alcoholics / addicts are the same

[@Funaccount-pu3uj]

Makes sense.

[@nicoleevaherbst7306]

My boyfriend of 2 years had a drinking problem before meeting me but he dialed it back while we were dating. However, it didnt escape my attention that every date we went on he had at least two beers. We moved in together pretty quickly (he was pushing for it) and once the honeymoon stage started feathering away he was hanging out at the local bar and bringing home a six pack almost every night. Still I did not recogize there was a problem brewing I just thought he was having a difficult time letting go of his bar fly lifestyle from his 20s. We broke up after a year mostly due to his drinking. I moved back in with my family thankfully they lived nearby. We decided to get back together after he blew a bunch of romantic happy smoke up my arse and made promises he would reevaluate his relationship with alcohol and his drunken family. We were supposed to move back in this summer but his drinking just got worse. He graduated from a six pack to a bottle of whiskey and began engaging in risky behaviors such as drunk driving, not to mention placing me in negligent situations due to his lapses in judgement. Finally broke things off and walking away!

[@d1v1n1ti]

thank you for sharing this 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

[@marthas.4456]

Good decision ❤

[@rinina9452]

My husband is in denial about his relapse & pretending he’s still sober. It’s frustrating bc he’s convinced himself that calling his drug dealer is “fine.” He’s got one foot in sobriety and one foot out.

[@marydonald3453]

He's about to learn another lesson. Let him learn. Mouth-shutting is hard to learn, but do it, anyway, otherwise, you merely prolong the process, in my opinion.

[@deborahstarman9874]

I really think self awareness is key. Firstly, I found out that I am more resilient than I imagined. I think it's important to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and be comfortable with your choice. There was a time where walking away would have seemed impossible. That is not where I am now. It sucks to think there's a possibility someone else's decisions put me in a position where I have to make sad choices. I am learning new skills, what have I learned, hopeful but not naive. That and pray.

[@marydonald3453]

Sometimes choices are initally so sad, because you are admitting being defeated in your first goal. Time to play a different game, where there might be a better outcome?

[@cuddlemuff6632]

I think this is excellent advice. Thank you very much for what you do, Amber.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome!

[@holisticallime]

Thank you for this. Was exactly what I needed to hear to make the tough decision, however heartbreaking it is x

[@saltlifegull4091]

Oh Heck Yeah! I'm addicted to Amber's videos.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's the one addiction, we're okay with! 😜😜😜😜😜😜

[@Froggyanimates333]

I have been holding our family together for so long, devoting all my time, energy and resources towards our daily functions so that my partner has the time and the money to abuse substances. Typically by 4pm, he would have already done enough stuff to pass out in his room, leaving me with all the household responsibilities. At the end of the day, I go wake him up so he can say “good night” to the kids. Then he would stay up late from there eating and playing video games until late at night. The kids don’t really see him much after they come back from school. He also doesn’t see them in the morning because he would sleep in. He certainly hasn’t been there for me for as long as I can remember. I have been so sad and so afraid and feel so bad for myself and our kids. I keep telling myself to try harder, be patient and be compassionate towards him. The progress I have made so far is that he’s not getting any worse and I’m getting stronger mentally and physically by taking on responsibility, facing my fears and gaining new appreciation for solitude.

[@kryssie1]

What if you married him knowing he's an addict... I just always thought some day he would stop ... And I feel emotionally done and unable to help him. I am seeing signs & behaviors that remind me of our worst times (6 yrs ago) even tho I don't believe the addiction itself is as bad at this point. ( I am choosing not to focus on amounts and just see behaviors/actions) The substance has changed over the years. I don't feel loving but I'd say I'm not able/ready to work on things.. advice? I feel the more I learn about it it makes my eyes open but I'm seen as self-righteous for being concerned about myself in it all.

[@Quartzone6145]

It's such a complex thing to deal with.

[@Hello-mh4pj]

Leave him knowing he’s an alcoholic. You come first

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Even if someone tells you they have a problem, it's hard to fathom just how big the issue can/will become. So sorry you're going through this Kryssie.

[@yohil4614]

Why do I have to leave while he has the problem? He doesn’t want to leave.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're right, it's not fair. However, you shouldn't keep yourself in a bad situation because it's not fair. You've got to do what's best.

[@user-do2ev2hr7h]

Because you can only control your own actions. It's not always fair but it is what it is.

[@yankeesgirl1988]

2-5 years ago I would have told you that my husband was worth fighting for…..I no longer feel that way. I don’t feel sorry for him anymore and I never will again. Pain changes people…the person I feel sorry for today, is me. I have tried it all with him….everything. The worst feeling in the world is to be afraid of the person you would have climbed mountains for. I will never do this again…ever.

[@claudiajones356]

Please don't

[@fl3609]

My gf flew into a jealous rage while we were on a camping trip with a group of people from our social club. She was Screaming, breaking things, accusing me of cheating. Every time I tried to go to sleep in our tent she started again. I took her keys and locked up all her alcohol in the car. Then she stole other people’s beer. I was forced to go sleep with in another tent. The next morning even sober she was still telling me to go with this other woman. She was ultimately kicked out of the club for her violent behavior. She promised to stop drinking for one month. After humiliating and embarrassing me that was her solution. Oh and that we wouldn’t drink when we were together. I can’t get over the resentment. I have left but it’s only been a few days. I just hope she never contacts me again. She blames everything on me always. She was drunk but I kept talking to her when she was mad…I had a part in it. This is what I was told. Just one example of the extreme manipulation.

[@janeviscolosi6455]

This is me!!!!

[@tristaramirez5382]

In the past when I've left my husband he got back to drugs. Right now he's all about alochol.

[@OopsDidIDoItAgain]

Disagree that he must he is capable of making the choice. Take him out for a cup of coffee in the morning and give him a clear choice. “Stop drinking, or you are going to DESTROY your children for LIFE, ruin our relationship and steal decades off many lives, OR it’s over, I’m leaving”. Explain that your position is coming from a place of love for him - he is on the freeway to an eternal afterlife of agony, in hell. Satan is real. Alcohol equates to demonic possession - evil forces have a hold of his soul. Give him a clear choice and take it from there.

[@Fiery154]

2:56 Oops “Do they pose a financial TREAT to you?” Typo

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Oops! 😬

[@Lighttanguitar]

These are some really good questions, thank you. I have a question also: how do I separate my husband’s alcohol addiction from his CPTSD? How much of the name-calling and fighting and Jekyll-n-Hyde’ing can be attributed to one or the other? Many fights are at night after he’s inebriated, but many fights are during the daytime before he’s had anything to drink. I vowed “in sickness and in health”, just like you said, but I’m confused with how to approach his behavior in the light of the question of whether to stay or leave. Any thoughts? Anyone?

[@mrsmontoya2020]

How much is enough? Ask yourself that. Do you have kids? Are you being blamed for making him so stressed out he picks a drink up? Are you fighting even if he isn't drinking? My husband went from alcoholic to sober. Now the last two years a drug addict. I recently left with my kids. I love him so much. He says we were supposed to be " through sickness and health" but the kids saw daddy acting different. He can't hold a job. Blames me for stressing him out. Lies, steals. I don't recognize this man I have devoted 16 yrs to. I will not lie to you a part of me wants to run back to him. Hug him tell him I'm sorry when I didn't choose drugs over us. He did. It's scary and sad. I cry most of the day. So again, how much is enough? What are you worth to you? Is he willing to seek help or at least try to work with you to have a healthier relationship?

[@andreflavell3453]

i hung in with a alcoholic woman. it’s stressful and confronting. she would hook up with random men . even in front of me . she is 48 and i’m 60 . i live on a yacht with my dog . i had to sail away to another country. I have stayed in touch over the year but her addiction continues even after 4 weeks at rehab. now she is drinking 2 bottles of wine a day . good question is this person worth fighting for . not sure as she lies and living in la la land . there are moments of beauty. i have been a fool i know . she plays games with phones as no answer . it’s frustrating. i was going to fly her to the boat but only after rehab. i don’t trust her . not sure why i care

[@Mary-zo4rx]

You deserve better

[@deborahstarman9874]

Oh boy.

[@tonibissett4570]

Bank acct and credit in my name

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Smart thinking!

[@nehanoor6066]

I m in relationship for last 5 years i knew from the beginning that he drinks alcohol but i didn't know that he is addicted and drink daily. Whenever he is angry he abuses me threatenes me after my reaction he apologize me. He shows love care and affection. His mood is unpredictable. He made me ready to marry him again my family on 1 march 2024 we have appointment for court marriage. I am confused his freinds and my friends are suggesting me not to merry a alcoholist. Mam whar should I do?

[@ariannadiaz]

I hope you didn’t marry

[@marthas.4456]

An alcoholic will destroy your life, your health and sanity and you want to marry one? Get out from that relationship ASAP.

[@claudiajones356]

Stop waisting time run