5 Things You Should Never Say To An Addict/Alcoholic

[@PutTheShovelDown]

What To Say and NOT Say to someone with an addiction 👉🏻👉🏻kzbin.info/www/bejne/rpusZGmVoZVmY7M

[@purnimaborah1697]

❤😂❤❤❤❤❤❤😂🎉😢😮😢😮😅😊

[@gaurishankar5580]

😊

[@dnyaneshwarbhalekar2410]

Ĺ p

[@burning4902]

no matter what you say youre wrong

[@jeanlawson9133]

20 year's sober...you have to want to quit.... Any guidance to a addict. Is good. Keep it up.

[@bagbulmolla8311]

😅😊

[@kayjo6843]

So many of us are guilty of treating addicts like they are not humans with feelings and we think they don't deserve to be treated with respect because they are hurting us so bad so they should hurt too and that makes them feel worthless and it makes them want to use even more. This channel open my eyes and made me realize how finally I've been treating my husband. You not only save my marriage but you save my husband's life and you help me with my anger issues towards him and his addiction.

[@Hammerzippy]

Well it's hard when the person is hurting us on such a toxic level. So many lies and multiple detox and rehabs. It's just the same ole. More lies. Same toxic chaos. It becomes hard to consider their feelings when they don't yours

[@Hammerzippy]

Well it's hard when the person is hurting us on such a toxic level. So many lies and multiple detox and rehabs. It's just the same ole. More lies. Same toxic chaos. It becomes hard to consider their feelings when they don't yours

[@cyndigooch1162]

​@@Hammerzippy That's exactly right and that's why many people decide to end the "relationships," especially when there's NO sign of their loved ones wanting to stop their harmful behaviour! Another important point is that a lot of people continue to be abusive even after they stop drinking and/or using other drugs as a way of coping, which is heartbreaking for partners who've spent years with them. 😥

[@christinafisher6169]

My loved one has been backing off on the drinking. It's been great. I have told many people about this channel including my new therapist. This channel has been a blessing when I was feeling hopeless.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you! 😁😁🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@stephaniesmith5974]

I would not be able to cope with my loved ones addiction if it wasn’t for you. I hope u realize how appreciated you are.

[@sophiacastaneda-rt2sd]

I feel this one

[@Donna-d4l]

Hi Amber. I've been watching your videos for past 2 months from UK.. I finally gave up on my alcoholic boyfriend boyfriend 2 days ago after trying my best to help him for 3 years. I know i made the right decision but it hurts so much. Thank you for all your advice. I'll keep watching your videos. X

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It really is a hard decision, but there comes a point when you have to save yourself!

[@elisenicole3193]

I've been watching your videos for a long time and they have been a lifeline. I've become SO much better at responding rather than reacting. But I still struggle and I always keep thinking: Amber...do you realize that you're pretty much asking LOs to be saints? To be completely torn apart, ripped up, stolen from, lied to, dragged down with the addict, manipulated, and just plain disrespected and to remain non-reactive and in the good guy role? Why???? And if we as loved ones can accept all of that and manage to pull that off, do we get to go to a heaven-level, amazing incredible spa when we die? Is there a reward? How are you so incredibly accepting and zen about things addicts do? I honestly think you're unique in your ability to respond to people in such a loving and non judgemental way. For many of us (or at least certainly for me) it seems like an impossibility.

[@elisenicole3193]

Either way I'll use this as an opportunity to say thank you again for your videos. As impossible as it seems to pull this off, your videos really are pure gold

[@kimperfect2295]

You’re really good at explaining things. Thank you so much Amber!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome! Thanks for watching and especially for taking time to leave this nice comment!

[@danielcarroll5667]

12 years sober and I just want to say thank you for what you're doing here . I agree totally with your 5 points and want to tell you I think one of the most important things you state is that the "user" is in "survival mode" and that any of these things being said to them is viewed as a threat to their survival because of their habit warping their perception . An offer to help is taken as an attempt to harm , sad , sad , sad .

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you, Daniel! It feel totally validated 🤩

[@SIMpip374]

I have said it all except #5 to my husband. Me or the beer, he chooses the beer every time..lol. He said he likes it, it is his life and he will do what he likes. None of this worked..just as you said. I have told him, I am lonely as I sit here by myself most of the time while you sit out in the garage drinking yourself drunk. He chooses the beer 80 % of the time. He comes in drunk and goes to bed, and he thinks this normal.

[@sportstalknow5507]

Sorry to hear i get it its tough

[@kristinajohnsonstrosnider4864]

My dad caught me pouring his booze out when I was 8 years old. I said, "if you loved me you would stop drinking." He grabbed the bottle and walked away. He died two years later. Fast forward 30 years and I'm now trying to approach his brother (my uncle) and this video is so helpful. Thank you!

[@happyceratops]

1. If you loved me, you wouldn't drink. 2. You need to choose me or the alcohol/drug in question. 3. You need to be going to meetings. 4. You don't care about anyone but yourself. 5. I am going to tell _________

[@paulalane8638]

Thank you, Amber, for ALL you are doing!!! I'm grateful beyond words!❤️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome!

[@GoodWolfWonRocky]

I love your material!! There are some crucial misconceptions commonly made in the study of it that may not even apply to you. 1st, no one with an addiction wants that addiction!! And they are in a bonafide medical emergency. They may act happy or to protect the addiction, but in reality, they know they are in serious trouble that is larger than them, and beyond any human agencys help or to address. We can only assist in healing. 2nd, If there's addiction near you or in your family, you must come to terms that you may unwittingly be part of the problem. It could lack of information, incorrect or inappropriate mind set or limiting, parasitic beliefs and ideologies. 3. The substance isn't the problem. Rather, it's one symptom of the actual problem. Over time people aren't using to "feel good", they are self medicating/using to "feel good enough" to be loved and accepted. As a counselor am sure you know this stuff. If it's touched your life indirectly, through a loved one, it's easy to get emotions involved and it's impossible to just turn off our feelings. For example if someone was abused as a child by someone with an addiction, you are going to have feelings and that is natural and ok.

[@Susq15]

What about letting them walk out the door and drive when you know they don't even realize what they're doing? If they die or kill someone, how could you ever live with yourself?

[@johannamaldonado30]

hi amber ,today is my 3 week sober ,no't sure how longer with last .but you videos help me a lot ty

[@PutTheShovelDown]

🤩🤩🤩🤩

[@coleensteffenpaolucci213]

You are right in Amber. I have said it all and I harmed him so much. 😢

[@parvin8765]

Thank you so much to be here for us 🙏🙏🙏💞

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome

[@yvonneshaw5779]

My daughter, a (used to be) beautiful thirty-six-year-old woman with a huge heart for everything alive on this earth. She has long, down to her lower back, beautiful golden blonde hair, big brown eyes, and a great teasing like smile, has had an addiction for 14 years. The first time she admitted to me she was addicted to Methadone, she had already given birth to two beautiful, like her, children, a boy, and a girl. She wasn't living with me at that time and had extremely bad experiences within her relationships. She never told me that the men she was with beat and hurt her mentally as well as physically until I saw it for myself. Normally she is a very quiet, helping, giving, and polite person unless someone tries to hurt her, then she can be the worst nightmare for anyone crossing her way, even me, her mother. That is the reason why she never stayed at home, or I had to kick her out a few times, even though I always tried to give her all my love and I never hurt her, but she thought I loved her brother more than her. Maybe that is why she ran away from home and went with all the boys she could get, and even got married at the age of seventeen because she got pregnant with sixteen and left the father of the child to come back home at age seventeen with the child. The father of the child was a Methamphetamine addict, which I had not known that until years later. Otherwise, I would have gotten her out of that trailer park where they were living. The man she married at age seventeen, beat her almost to death, and I was always wondering why she never came home to see me and her brother. It was because of the bruises her husband had given her. He was very nice to me, her, and my (now EX) husband when my daughter and he first met, and no one could ever tell he would do anything to hurt her. They lived with us for a few months until they found a home in a trailer park. My husband and I gave them furniture and all the necessities they needed to live there happily. When I saw her bruises as I was there to visit one day, I asked her what happened, she did not want to tell me, because she knew, I would get so angry at that person whoever hurt her and maybe even shoot that person. A couple days later while her husband was at work, I went and picked my grandson and my daughter up and told her she never has to go back. After she had left him, she told me what he did to her. I do not know when, after that time she got addicted, because she and the baby moved out and in with another man. He was not beating her, but he was also taking drugs, which I did not know at that time, and I believe that is how she got into the Methadone. I found out later that they left my grandson with a couple who raised the man she was with. I had no idea what was going on, but I knew that man because he had been in our house when my daughter still went to school. Time went by, and one day, after I had tried for years to get her into a rehabilitation facility, she told me she is willing to go into a program where she can get clean from the Methadone. She got clean through a cold withdrawal, which lasted a tough 7 days. I was so very proud of her, and still am, but she left the program after three months. She knew she couldn't come home, because I tried keeping her home for a while, but she just went out of control was very aggressive and mean towards me. So, she went to a person who got her on pain pills, maybe before she started the Methadone. I thought to myself, " Oh Lord, I hope she doesn't start getting on pain pills again". When I picked her up after she ran away from the program (at True Hope Ministries in Opelika, AL), she was sitting next to a dumpster. I told her that she is better than that, she does not need to sit at dumpsters. She replied,” Mama, where am I supposed to go? You don’t want me at home”. I said, “of course I want you at home, but you need to act normal and not like a psycho. Plus, you need to be in a program for at least a year before you can lose your addiction and be normal again”. It was a totally sad and depressing situation for me as well as for my daughter, but it seemed like she didn’t care where she was sitting. In a way as if she was giving up on life and didn’t care about anyone or anything anymore. We were not allowed to communicate while she was in the program, and I was worried to death and called the supervisor almost every day to see if my daughter was ok or needed anything. I did not know how the program worked until my daughter had been in the program for two months, then they explained it to me. They had told me, above other things, that if she leaves, she can not come back, and I should not pick her up if she does leave. It broke my heart to hear that, and I picked her up anyways. After being out of the program for three months, she might be addicted again, not to Methadone, but instead to pain pills. She is steadily trying to become a better person, but there are many mountains to climb before she can reach her goal. She told me she is living in a shelter now and is also working part time. She is very interested in getting her GED, since she has no Highschool Diploma. My daughter is a very strong minded, intelligent, and normally has a great personality person. She wants to do better in life, especially for her children, which she gave up for adoption after she admitted being addicted, because she knew that she couldn’t take care of them the way she was living at that time, and I was an over the road truck driver, divorced, and could not take care of them either. Therefore, I do believe that one day she will succeed and become that better person she was before her addiction ever started. My love for my daughter will never end and I pray every day that she does finally become that better person and never look back. Update: As of today, she is homeless, and I told her she can come visit but not live at home until she gets off the Methadone. She is a totally different person while taking that and gets very aggressive at times. I can not and will not deal with her like that, because I gave her so many chances to get clean and to live the right way, that I am too tired, old, and have anxiety myself enough to not be able to deal with her unless she gets off of the Methadone. And I always pray that she will survive. AMEN

[@Noway2no]

Said it all! Its been 20 years and I realize my husband has declined in every way. He didnt seem to be this bad when we married...i fear that in my own pain, ive hurt him even more 🙂

[@rhondabatchelor4990]

Thank you!! I'm trying so hard to understand my son and love him well!! I see it takes much more! I have subscribed and intend to watch everything you have posted. Thank you for sharing your wisdom! God Bless You and your channel.❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks for subbing, Rhonda! Welcome to our little community!

[@Killua_Zoldyck3407]

I wasn't a drug addict i used to self harm i still wanna do it sometimes 💀 especially when i look at my scars or feel pain. My friends would tell me, "just stop thinking about", "you'll get over it someday", "don't worry about it so much", "it's going to be ok" i can't just stop thinking about it that's all i think about everyday it's the only thing that comes to my mind especially because I'm surrounded by sharp objects

[@mellowray561]

Thank you so much. You should have a million likes. So much love.

[@tarareisenauer242]

Can you do please do a video for families of addicts being released from prison and how to support them. The addict is physically clean, but always struggles transitioning back into society with the housing issues, backlog of bills, finding a job, running into triggers. There are no counseling or treatment opportunities in the correctional facilities in our state, until they get to the transitional centers. How can the family support them staying clean and assist in not exacerbating triggers (ie expecting the addict to stay clean while drinking right in front of them). I like your videos with the both sides approach (like the rebuilding trust video). Thanks!

[@johnrouze6280]

You make a difference for me, I am learning so much valuable information and I am assimilating the information quickly. Thank you.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks John! 😁

[@trueself520]

Ha! When your dog started barking, my dog started barking back!

[@yanruge1070]

Hi Amber, I am drug and alcohol worker from uk, Thank you so much for your knowledge is so helpful

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awww, thank you so much for your kind words of support yanruge! 💖

[@thesoapygal]

I wish you would answer some of the great questions in the comments.

[@a..r.9341]

Great content, again 1) 🤐 ✔️ 2) 🤫✔️ 3) ☝️✔️ 4) 😷✔️ 5) 🙊✔️ ✨️We must not hit the shame button !☑️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Love your emoji list!!!!! 😁😁😜💓😜😜⭐💯

[@kimperfect2295]

I’ve blown it! Thank you!!!

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

Don’t matter what you say or don’t say if they don’t want to stop they won’t.

[@fionamorritt5962]

Ive said the first one to myself and heard it from myself and i still manage to keep going with my addiction. The abdolute cognitive dissonance, losing custody of my son and doing an opiate withdrawel unmedicated at least every 6 wks for 25 years. Tried rehab that failed. Im disgusted with myself. What a let down for my beautuful son and a waste of a human life with regard to myself. Thankyou for this fantastic channel....i spend hrs watching this and otgers, i also go to na meetings. Xx

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Cold Turkey Withdrawal is hard core! That takes serious determination. What usually causes you to go back?

[@fionamorritt5962]

@@PutTheShovelDown sorry I just saw this. Its a good question. It's mainly cos it gives me peace and contentment but I don't even really get that now cos I feel so guilty about my son. I also think that because I've doing this on off battle for 25 years, the failure is as much a part of the cycle as using. It's not excuses, just reasons and no-one can give me more crap about it than I give to myself. Xx

[@thegoddesswithin8859]

They don't do it because they want to hurt you. They do it because they don't know how else to stop their own hurt in that moment. My ex has apologised to me again and again. I know he didn't mean to hurt me. Or anyone. Problem is, he did. I'm not sure how to get past it. Amber, do you have any suggestions here??? The opposite of addiction is connection. If we don't forgive them, what do they have to come back to? But how do you forgive/learn to trust again someone who unconsciously sabotages that connection all of the time. They are just not solid enough to hold it, or value it the way that you want. Until they are. If they do the work. I'm in the boundaries phase right now. I don't know if I can do it, even though he wants it. I just accept that he's him and my life is more peaceful without him. I think every addict has a trail of people feeling like this in their past. I know he does. It's an absolute waste. For both parties. I try to believe in the possibility of positive outcomes. I stay in my own lane. I work on me. I hope that's the right course to take in the long run. I'm not sure what else to do.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I have an online course called Rapid Relationship Repair that teaches people in recovery how to help rebuild trust with loved ones they hurt during addiction. Here's the link, if you think me might take a look at it. www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/rapid-relationship-repair-864c835a-0a39-4481-a02c-be9e43334558

[@ohyeah3365]

I found help in Alanon.

[@peterbutterworth6936]

There’s always an excuse to drink….😢in the moment its hard!!!

[@Brendan-e6e]

I did all of them.. 5 made her walk away.. I’m having a hard time forgiving myself

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Take a look at this video on Self-forgiveness. It might help kzbin.info/www/bejne/nIWkl4mqmrx5abc

[@myshish25]

my common law partner and the father of my daughter said it to my face that he is choosing drugs over us. asked him and admitted that we are not the one he is choosing.

[@judigrassi7820]

Hi Amanda, when my Son started talking to me about his journey, I did broach the subject with my daughters and they allowed him to make the decision to tak about it. He wanted the connection back to family and he was embraced.. this was during his recovery When he messed up I noticed and told his sisters and they reached out .. and it helped.. this is a work in progress. One sister is parting his early addiction and she’s his codependent so I’m on edge with that. However, the younger sister is not or never has and she’s the one he calls.. he’s trying to bond with her as his baseline. I’ve been dealing with this from 40 years!! Not to out do you I went to Alanon early and helped understand. And worked in the field the last 10 years. When my son told me he used heroin. Just sharing this journey

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's been a long road for you, Judi. I'm so glad that you're seeing some positive changes.

[@JackieSkellington]

I just threw out the #5 threat - will not do it now. I have been watching and I feel like you have been privy to our life! Will be exploring more of your content on how to handle this, thank you

[@Jessy-ht2ll]

Number 5 has happened to me. I thought I could confide in my husband's aunt. He thinks of her like a big sister they're close in age. She thinks that all the 3D you guys all the smashed Vehicles all of the cheating everything is my fault. She keeps telling the alcoholic to leave me. She keeps telling him he would do better without me. Basically I feel like I'm the toxic person in this relationship and I don't even touch alcohol. I almost feel like his life would be so much better without me he'd have a better house and more money and a woman with a career. Yes I have a job I just started a week ago but I'm in the middle of dealing with this always and sometimes I have no job because he does something stupid to cause me to lose my job. Granted sometimes it's my fault like I got pregnant one time or my daughter was real little and I decided to be stay-at-home mom to take care of her because of the addicts in my house.

[@victoriacortina7715]

Love your videos Amber.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Victoria! 😁😁😁😁

[@airrasaunders3775]

I’ve always wanted to say the first one. But it never comes out. I guess that’s a good thing.

[@bethprather9241]

If you beat you up or hit you and you are an enabler and they are on meth so bad... You are getting hurt. You need to call the police

[@coleenbouchard9538]

I do say as long as you're drinking, I won't see you as much. He takes this as a threat, blames me for placing " barriers" I say when you drink, I feel scared and angry. Do you think I deserve to feel this way? I can see where this might be too much. He knows how I feel about the drinking. But at the same time, I think it needs to be said. You can tell me if you think I'm wrong.

[@Geenine44]

I almost started telling his friends because of the abuse side of things. I thought it might keep him accountable? But they know now, he’s in remand in prison after becoming very threatening after relapsing.

[@eek42]

Why be with someone who has such an ability to delude themselves? If they convince themselves this level of lying, stealing, hurting loved ones is ok even if they beat the addiction what other bad things are they capable of? This is where I struggle with my addict 😢

[@lydiamilanovic439]

Hi Amber, while you were filming this video i was participating in my weekly therapy session which helps me cope with my son's addiction. Unbeknownst to me, he came in the basement and not only listened to the session, but recorded half an hour of it! Needless to say, I pushed all his shame buttons because he heard what he was not supposed to hear. I feel so violated but am also so sorry for what he heard. Is there anyway to unshame him at this point?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

The fact that he recorded it, makes me think he's trying to use it against you as ammunition. It would be one thing if he heard something while accidently walking by, but purposefully recording someone's therapy session is out of bounds.

[@deselby6669]

Lydia,He got to hear the truth of the pain he has inflicted on you.The pain that you have endured because you love him.

[@cinaannie7338]

I need you so MUCH! I have a husband that is the most loving soft spoken soul. He has NEVER hit me and he never will but I've always told him this: "It's not THAT you drink, it's HOW you drink." I guess that goes for ALMOST everyone who drinks, right? But he turns into this mouthy slob that just disgusts me. We don't sleep in the same room by choice (on both of our parts) and haven't for years because of his life skills, but it works for us. He has also ended up doing the most "off the wall" things. One time, he got SO DRUNK, he was standing up naked and trying to let go of his body functions. He has "hit on" (made a pass) at one of his friend's wife years ago before we got married and it was when he was drunk. It is just NOT him! Not the sober him, anyways... He is a modest proper person. I've just gone through so MUCH stuff with him and have been through a lot of his emotional baggage with him. He was horribly sexually molested as a child by his brother and his mother killed herself in his young adulthood. His friend that was going to be his best friend at his wedding to his ex took him to a drug dealers house so he could see his fiancé in bed with him a few days before his wedding. Another ex girlfriend from high school ended up getting pregnant and moved away a long time ago. I found his ex girlfriend through Facebook and now he speaks to his "little girl" (32 yrs old). People in his life he has trusted has done him wrong in one way or another with the exception of his high school love- her parents moved and he lost contact with her. He is just struggling and it hurts me to see him hurt. He has LITERALLY raised my five children that were not his own biologically. He is just an awesome person with a drinking problem. He is the love of my life. He NEEDS help, but he won't seek help and I am the ONLY one he has in life. What do I do other than never leave him??? I will never leave him. He is my best friend! 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Annie, I can tell you really love him a lot and you have a lot of empathy for the hard things he's gone through. Here's my playlist on Intervening With An Addicted Loved One: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fGecY5tndr56eLM

[@charlotteuptown]

I say all of these lol Not good especially "you don't care about anyone but yourself" . of course it doesn't work ... so learning what to say if anything thanks for videos

[@peterbutterworth6936]

Over here there is less than half as many allanon meetings as there is AA meetings. And most meetings are 90% female!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Good point, Peter!

[@jdxx59]

My 37 year old son is addicted to cannabis and goodness knows what else as he will pop any prescription drugs he’s offered. He has been doing this for 20 years. He was super difficult as a child and was finally formally diagnosed with ADHD about 6 years ago but the drugs prescribed really didn’t help. Getting a psychiatrist appointment is a nightmare where we live and very expensive but he has another Telehealth appt in a couple of weeks time with a psychiatrist but it’s really not going t make any difference. I believe he is also on the spectrum. He is so literal and we can have a huge argument and I blow my top and say awful things and the next day he acts like nothing happened at all. It’s bizarre. I can’t cope with him. My mental health is on the line. He humbugs me for money constantly and threatens suicide. He is extremely immature I think because any difficulties in life he has drown them out with substances so never had any personal growth. He plays the victim takes no responsibility for the disasters in his life. He is desperate for a girlfriend all the time but mainly because he wants one to look after him. He only hooks up with girls who are very troubled, have mental illness or are also addicts. I’ve watched so many of these videos and know that I should have empathy but with my son it’s ‘give him an inch and he’ll take a mile.’ He is currently having to stay here as he got kicked out of his accommodation for threatening someone..he has severed emotional dysregulation. He is disrespectful of our property and so messy and just plain annoying to have here. I divorced his biological father - an alcoholic (I attended Alanon which was so helpful) but it’s hard to divorce your child. I am actually no good for my son, I say nasty things to him as he pushes my buttons. An hour later he will act like everything if just fine. I wish he would hate me and not want to ever see me again. 😢😢😢😢😢

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I think it's brave to admit how you're really feeling. It's really hard to have empathy when they're living in your house and treating you badly.

[@lorrie0204]

My ah told me he was selfish and broken. Not sure if we can find our way... 😢

[@maryirick3579]

Thanks!

[@annathompson4902]

Thank you I learned alot

[@MichelleW72]

Basically just silently let them do whatever

[@ginagutierrez7401]

What are the RIGHT things to be saying then? Addicted 23y old daughter who thinks she can just quit without even trying! Lives in another state, and her boyfriend, his parents and the whole freakin town is on drugs 😩😢

[@JAMN2GD]

Hardest thing I have ever been through in life is living with alcolohic wife. Being the dad is much harder than it was as a kid with a parent. I could go in my room. Now its as if I become single parent with Chaos behind me. Constants anger over oddest things off any topic. No idea how to help anymore. Probably done all Amber said I have already done wrong. Geesh. lol No idea how to get kids out of the chaos if they dont want to leave. How do you get them out of the chaos they should never be subject to? If they dont want to leave their school etc. I am the one who will lose them all and I am not even doing anything wrong. WEll, we all do wrong stuff but I mean daily. How do you handle this situation?

[@SallyHessenius]

My latest thing I want to say is “ you’re killing yourself and if you don’t want to live it’s ok … I will be sad and crushed but if you’re tired of fighting it’s ok to stop fighting… 💔

[@anniejacobs7126]

It's so hard to watch a loved one kill themselves with their addiction 😢😢😢

[@bethprather9241]

I said something close to that lately it has been so long

[@sz4179]

I would not say that.

[@sz4179]

Absolutely do not say that! Wth 😢 Amber's advice is so valuable, start watching and learn, for free!

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

My sister said no way I’m going to AA I said it’s up to you.

[@marydonald3453]

Never heard about the shame connection. How can we help the person in this area?

[@MsRocksa]

Huge shame, you cannot stand yourself, feel like all look at you like you are zeronor disgusting. There is pain. Hard to support. Until you start healing from it. God helps alot, through people and directly. A psichologist asked 1 time: what is your relationship with God? Then we passed to other subject. But this question came after I was telling about a bad experience when I had been drunk.

[@selinahernandez9887]

I totally understand how shame can make things worse for someone struggling with substances. What does one do when it results from the boundaries one places? Ex. After a 6 day bender sitting my spouse down and calmly letting them know that during my upcoming C Section I will choose to have somebody accompany me in the surgery room that I know can emotionally support me in the way I need, which may not be him if the time comes and he has been drinking. There are different times I share the decisions I am going to make (taking on more hours at work, the decision above, etc) that I am truly making to take care of myself, and I can tell there is a lot of guilt and shame. I feel bad, but I try to speak with "I" language and if natural consequences are that he feels badly because he is more aware of his challenges than in the past, am I making things worse by setting these boundaries? Do you try to prevent shame if it a natural consequences?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You have to balance your own needs with theirs. There are times their shame button is going to get hit, no matter what. I wouldn't purposefully try to trigger their shame but you have to set healthy boundaries for yourself.

[@pokerqAK47]

Great channel Amber. Love your accent and the name of the channel. You look adorable too 😊

[@ShannonSeibert]

I love your videos❤ Thank you

[@JohnGlen502]

She is so interesting. I wonder how much guilt and shame are pillars of addiction for some people who are so hard on themselves for not measuring up (as they define that). So many of us were raised on guilt, not just Catholics! When my nephew was detoxing my sister wanted to take pictures of him to show him later and shame him - I would have discussed that with her and said that doesn't sound like a good idea - but his vitals crashed from the DTs he's been gone one year. I have wondered how much of his negative self judgement, being dyslexic, low self esteem, raised on criticism and guilt got him started and addicted. I tried to explain our family history to him that his mother was a mild version of our mother and her mother that we only received criticism never praise so he had to try and understand his mother (he was 43) but I see now he was too far into his addiction by that point to sort it all out.

[@cheerfulmouse]

I get the whole, don't use it against your addicted loved one to "tell" on them to other people. But if my kid were using, and a parent told me about it cause they figured out first, I would be grateful, even if I didn't believe them. That's weird that you say parents don't want to know 🤔

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm sure some are grateful, but I've seen it backfire tons of times. Especially after they go back and ask their kid. The kid spins a story of course!

[@cheerfulmouse]

@@PutTheShovelDown that's definitely good to know! Thank you 👏

[@mattiefattie3895]

So just say nothing to them. Or try to ask the most manipulative question to trick a response.

[@StressMats]

Forget the tax difference, I'm considering moving from europe to the states solely to get a session with this therapist.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awwwww that’s so sweet. Not necessary though. We do virtual coaching if you ever need it.

[@JAMN2GD]

Ok so here is the question. How do you handle when its there idea to go and as you know when addiction there is constant lack of follow through or being able to do so. Do you just say ok we will miss this meeting again? Dont want to push. correct?

[@deborahstarman9874]

The Big 5. Do they have any of these programs in Canada? I mean with the CRAFT method. In BC or Ontario? I noticed that a lot of your programs were for younger adults. How about someone around 50?

[@peterbutterworth6936]

😢 yes….

[@punjabilivekustihub]

Good

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks

[@musiclover.3901]

Thanks alot.

[@joycereinhardt521]

After 2 weeks of his effeso he now has cut me off. His mother as far as I know. He's alone and I'm trying too do what you said about helping but I'm still worry. I'm alone to much to and to much thinking time . But it doesn't make much sense to be telling you all this . Never hear what to do or not so I'll just keep listening to your videos ????

[@dherajsinghrajput1076]

God job .👍👍👍

[@michellemccrea4]

i don't know what to do.my husband of 30 yrs. is a liar addicted to meth and watches porn ,all while neglecting our marriage.

[@MacyLuv]

I'm in the same boat. It's so excruciating.

[@lorrie0204]

What if he may really like his drinking?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

There will always be things they do like about their drinking, but there are likely things they don't like about it too.

[@CindyCrawford-ky7os]

My loved one relapsed, I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing so we don't talk about it at all. Is this healthy? Before you, I would've flipped, since iv remained calm iv noticed a difference in him. Should I bring it up, the relapse?

[@independentempath7768]

What if they are making Some progress but not enougg

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Take a look at this video on Stages of Change. I think it might help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fYSZl5esoL9_lZI

[@sophiacastaneda-rt2sd]

I wish I had found you before

[@suzannephillips6675]

What do you do if you’ve already made some of these mistakes?

[@isabelacosta8819]

Yes sadly I had say that lot of times

[@danielabologna7127]

Can I just say something? After so many videos , we know you work in this field for 20 or so years....

[@paulbowman1762]

Fancy a drink ! Fancy a line ! 👍

[@SAMEntalhealth]

Lmaoo this lady from south Africa is kissing the camera 😂😂

[@ShatrughanDandale-ty4rv]

I love❤ you

[@cuddlemuff6632]

My natural rebellion shouts out against the injustices his family enacted upon me and him when we were in a relationship. By totally ignoring me and him whilst allowing his personality disorder to fester in every pore of his God-forsaken body. (His father was a church elder, for Christ's sake.). They thrived on keeping us poor, turning a blind eye on his trauma-induced suffering, maintaining their bloody middle-income suburban homes and cars. Nevertheless, I still try to be kind.

[@hukamichandbhavsar2472]

You look very fine with voice you speak

[@reettaelina]

🖐I told to my ex-husbands parents and to his friend...so now I am ex-wife

[@sophymathew1034]

Yes mam

[@hukamichandbhavsar2472]

Which language you mam Speak

[@roxannetryon2668]

Alanon is quite helpful.

[@danariffel3502]

I have said that ☹

[@ayswaryaam8713]

Yes

[@randytene]

You seem to be addicted to addicts

[@PutTheShovelDown]

???

[@nobama3468]

tx

[@melissamcelderry6355]

👍

[@rosarioquiroga8300]

👍

[@rosarioquiroga8300]

What to do when she says I know you are here for me but you are suffocating me! I will reach out to you when I need help. She doesn’t want to talk about it , but she said I am the problem , I am horrible mother etc….she lives alone just got a divorce . She has a lovely dog he is sick as well .I used to go and see him now I can’t. Thank You so much for your program is teaching me how to survived I don’t have family for support .You are a blessing for me . I appreciate so much for your help.🕊🙏🫶It’s a phone # that I can call pls? Thank you 🙏

[@bablukhan7701]

😂😂😂,😂

[@JAMN2GD]

Alanon. worst part. They are horrible at new members. The clicks are already together. How come any chosen there is a topic as if there are no new members needing help. The last two I had nothign to say as how can I say how its helping when first meeting. But had to stick to meeting topic. Useless but keep trying I suppose.

[@lamaha564]

No4 🫣 Great channel, thank you Amber

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you too!