Beyond Shame and Guilt: Transformative Strategies for Women with ADHD (with Michelle Frank, Psy.D.)

Too many woman living with attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD) are familiar with shame - and its dear friends guilt, fear, and self-limitation. Following a late-life diagnosis, especially, #adhdawareness can bring new clarity but old, unhealthy thought patterns are hard to shake.
The first stepping stone for change is this: Come face-to-face with your own experiences and stories of shame, and the ways in which those narratives inform your relationships with yourself, your spouse, your child, and/or the world. This reckoning helps us create space for new choices and behaviors. Once we reach that space, however, we can easily feel lost and wondering, “What do I do with this awareness?” The answer? You very slowly begin the process of change by focusing intently on building up your courage, intentionality, and curiosity.
#adhdawarenessmonth
9:26 The Emotional Legacy of ADHD
22:17 The Shame Spiral
27:03 How Shame Leads to Self-Limitation
32:06 The Change Equation
33:19 Uncover Your Shame History
37:00 Radical Acceptance
28:25 NACHOS
38:35 NOTICE TRIGGERS
39:53 Authenticity Scan
41:03 Create Space and Cope with Feelings
43:16 Choose Intentional Action
45:33 Speak Up
48:21 REMEMBER
50:24 Build a Relationship with Yourself
52:24 Q&A
Download the slides associated with this webinar here:
www.additudemag.com/webinar/a...
Related Resources
1. Top Article: You Are Not the Sum of Your ADHD Challenges
www.additudemag.com/low-self-...
2. Women with ADHD: No More Suffering in Silence
www.additudemag.com/gender-di...
3. Self-Test: Symptoms of ADHD in Women and Girls
www.additudemag.com/self-test...
4. eBook: Secrets of Your ADHD Brain: www.additudemag.com/product/s...
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[@mariadelbosco]

I didn't expect to cry so much listening to this, I am 42 and recently discovered I have ADHD. I lived my life using self destructive coping mechanisms, exactly like Michelle describes it and it hurts to hear it, it breaks my heart. But those tears are also cleansing, helping with the grieving process I'm going through right now, by feeling compassion and the kind understanding my old self should have had all along.

[@nath1284]

I hear you ❤️ I was diagnosed at 45 and had that process to work through. It was a relief in some ways and also brought up so much for me. It's painful to recognise our struggles through life and that we weren't seen or supported. After the pain of the past comes freedom to create our present and so much possibility for our futures now that society is catching up xx

[@angelas.goodman9891]

Don't feel alone. I am getting chill bumps listening to this webinar.

[@chrisf1486]

Thank you for sharing. I’ll be 39 soon and struggling with newly diagnosed depression (though I know I’ve lived with it for most of my life), and anxiety, but deep down, I knew there was more. I’m recently discovering that I, too, may have ADHD and I’m just trying to come to terms with everything. Have you gotten diagnosed? I’m eager to seek a professional diagnosis so I can begin to learn ways to cope. Also eager to buy this book!

[@mariadelbosco]

@@chrisf1486 I have had ups and downs with mental health all my life too, but never officially diagnosed with anything. I have now talked to my gp about adhd/asd and he made me fill a questionnaire to then get a referral. Unfortunately in the UK this could take months to years to get to that stage! Im confident however this is what I have, and just watching videos on KZbin and talking to others like me is helping a tons!! It's a long process though and I have moments where I would rather just forget or stay in denial... Because knowing just opens up a vulnerability that I am used to mask with a very tough persona, I find ki dness and self care the best approach. Also, choose well who you decide to tell. That's my word of advice. Fighting too many battles, acceptance and validation, can be too overwhelming and send you of in a dark place. Put yourself first and take care x

[@chrisf1486]

@@mariadelbosco Thank you for sharing more about your experience! I truly appreciate it ❤️‍🩹 I’m sorry to hear that it could take that long to even get to see a specialist 😔 I relate to everything you’re saying and thank you - I will choose carefully with whom I disclose this potential diagnosis. Honestly, talking to you is helping already so much!! Sending you best wishes and lots of hope for a speedy process in the UK 🙏🏽 Take care and thank you for taking the time to reply 🫶🏼

[@Vlasko60]

I've recently had the realization that for me, every appointment that I have on my calendar, that involves other people, is a scheduled performance. No wonder I feel anxiety and sleep even worse the day before.

[@wendyhannan2454]

Well said, that’s exactly how I feel. It’s so exhausting, I can work my self up into a frenzy before I get there.

[@natarracordz08mkultra]

Sometimes I cancel. I feel exactly like that even when meeting a close friend.

[@hawramilani]

This is an underrated webinar. It's a goldmine. A huge huge thank you to Michelle for such a brilliant presentation!

[@chrisf1486]

I completed agree!!

[@wendyhannan2454]

I agree too, Michelle is spot on, I’ve loved listening to her. She’s a very intelligent lady.

[@lisaammerman9846]

Even people closest to us who love us misunderstand and misjudge in harmful ways.

[@autumntedesco197]

I'm 43 & am working on finally getting an official diagnosis. I'm realizing through content like this just how self destructive my masking & coping mechanisms have really been & how much I've missed while hiding. It feels very much like a grieving process & I can't help but cry when I listen to podcasts like this from the overwhelming sadness, anger, and the relief of finally not feeling so alone & broken.

[@chrisf1486]

Wow, being friends with the cleaning crew and staying late made my jaw drop! 😓

[@lisaammerman9846]

My family kept applying shame shame shame to try and "fix" me. It was their only tool.

[@Poemeloentje3310]

So sad 😘

[@Danigirl77777]

I deal with so much shame for my self sabotage. I’ve gotten through school and different career paths, and I freeze up and don’t know how to do it on my own. I irritate and frustrated the people training me, and froze and shut down. I give up. I don’t know how to keep going, since the paralysis is so strong. I am 45 years old and have no idea what I want to do for a career.

[@angelas.goodman9891]

Oh my goodness! You are really speaking to me, diagnosed at 49 with ADHD, burn out , defensive emotions and overactive negative emotions, struggle with perfectionism, hiding, masking. It is overwhelming to have someone really understand me and maybe just maybe I can learn more about myself and find more acceptance and recognize why I do the things I do or don't do. I start a new job November 3rd, 2022. Getting nervous now, was excited now getting that old anxiety of failure jumping on my head and ❤️.

[@lastminutejen]

Same! Diagnosed at 49. Good luck with your new job😊

[@wendyhannan2454]

I hope the jobs going well for you Angela 👍

[@Kate-kj2ti]

This just saved me 100 therapy sessions! Brilliant, thank you!!

[@dorota1675]

I love this webinar. It moves me really deeply. I feel understood like I have never been before. This is what I have need all my life, now I am almost 50

[@eecneihappy]

Same ❤️ 46 and stuck

[@patriciaguant4025]

I am 55 and just found out 3 years ago although I did not know or have the tools so this is so helpful .

[@Bigheartrolling]

Thank you for this webinar. 95% of this is me. I’ve struggled so much, especially now that I turned 55 and feel I should be so much more ahead in life. I had a group of women, who I thought were peers… turn their back on me due to my reaction of stopping a conversation. Because of my past. I was ashamed. And they shamed me for it. I hide. I isolate. What I wonder is how do I teach these peers about why I do what I do? They think I’m for the lack of a better term crazy, maybe dumb… I’m not either. Where would I start to repair and help them understand what I go thru? ADHD women. Relationships with women friends.

[@eecneihappy]

🙏

[@gillrobinson3517]

I have been giving a friend short videos from you tube that succinctly describe what adhd really is. To dispell the myths that have perpetuated. I told him that I am not great at explaining how it feels or what it is so maybe the videos would help him get a sense of what I have gone through my whole life. It took a few times but he really is understanding what exactly it is and how real and how hard it is to live with. He even said he felt how hard it must be and he did not realize what adhd actually is. I mean, unless you have it or your kids do, why would you know about it or any other mental disability?

[@scaleonkhan183]

31:04 "The answer to shame is connection." 32:23 Awareness + Acceptance + Value-Guided Action = Change 34:16 Reflection. This ties well into what I've been reading about CPTSD. 39:12 "imagine yourself coping well with [these shame spirals], what does that look like?" 51:06 "We can't shame and hate ourselves into loving ourselves."

[@SuperBoopeep]

Thanks

[@Historian212]

This new publication looks to be the first self-help book that focuses on self-regulating emotions, a vital step largely missing from most advice for ADHDers -- in this case, particularly for adult women. Looking forward to receiving my copy. I hope it's what I'm looking for, for myself and others. As a certified ADHD coach, I hope it's one I can recommend and use.

[@lupe9249]

👆👆👆

[@frankbreuer8849]

Brilliant. Thanks a lot. One of the most articulate, well-spoken, and understanding ADHD presentations ever

[@maryblue75]

I just kept silent for decades, silent…my mom shamed me everyday, she shamed me into silence. And into hate. I don’t even know I survived, it was only with disassociating

[@ThatADHDKid]

I was diagnosed at 28. For $24 years or so I lived with ADHD and had no idea I had it. I came from a home that was broken at a young age but I managed to do just okay in school and even though I had a lot of anger and attended anger management classes and behaviorals classes as a kid and into my teens I never was told that I would have had ADHD. It wasn't even a thought that any of those people that I had seen and classes that I attended even brought it up. So I continue on and I try to do anything under the sun to fix what was wrong with me. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get it. How come everybody else just clicks, and they can get done what they need to get done. Or have the drive to do anything other than what's immediately in front of me. It was really hard. I struggled a lot in a lot of areas. My relationship with my family is non-existent because as I was growing up most of my family just kind of wrote me off as just me. He's just being him, like there's no point in trying to change or identify anything. I just am the way I am. Thanks got really bad and I finally started a job that had good insurance so I went back to a doctor and with my inability to communicate or convey what I'm actually thinking in a way that doesn't and hit it me from speaking my mind. That's part of the shame, the shame of talking too much and losing interest of your audience. I spent 20 plus years identifying social traits and cues in the look on people's faces of when I should basically just stop talking because anything I say is just annoying at this point. And I haven't conveyed what I needed to or I've done so much more than it just becomes a chore and most people don't want to do that chore or listen to the guy who would talk forever. When I started going to the psychiatrist again we tried a bunch of medication. First started I was treating anxiety and I was on a bunch of benzos for a little bit and then was taken off, moved to another drug, gave me Seroquel to help me sleep at night and lamictal, paxil and other drugs to help treat depression and mood swings. None of it worked the way that we wanted it to and some I had to stop taking because of the side effects. I was all about to have my final appointment with my psychiatrist when we started talking about drugs. He literally told me I think I'm going to have to discharge you because I can't get anything to fit what your experiencing. He said we've tried this we tried that I don't know what else to try, maybe you should look into this that or the other. In that conversation he realized I had ADHD. When I told him that I tried methamphetamine one time, and it made me sleepy staring at a wall for 10 hours. That's what it was, I was given material that could help me understand what ADHD is. I was given a trial of stimulant medication to see how it affected my mood and everything. I finally got tools and material that could work. I had common experiences with the stories that I was reading. I finally found the people that were like me. It took 20 plus years but I finally got here. I stopped drinking a few months later, I stopped smoking. It was a lot easier for me to get through therapy and work towards being a better person. Obviously it's not a cure-all but I finally found tools and medication to help me be an active member of my family and in society. I'm 33 now and things aren't getting any easier as I get older. My memory is getting worse but with everything that I've learned and continue to learn I'm a much better person for it and this KZbin channel has taught me a lot I try to continue my search when I have the time to make sure that I understand how these things are 100% my fault. I mean I chose to do them in the end of it, it was not always the best course of action in hindsight. But I'm not that person anymore. I wasn't someone who was trying to do anything under the sun including hard drugs and alcohol to make myself feel normal. I finally found my life and I wouldn't trade for the world. Thank you for producing this content and standing up for people like me.

[@Mousicaddict]

Thank you so very much. I am going to incorporate this into my life to remind me of my goodness and worthiness.

[@sandytherry8647]

Thank you. This was great. I will be getting your book. I live in ahame, especially within my family who shame me all the time. I live a very isolated life. I am now 64yeRs old and have literally given up on life.

[@juneelle370]

💜!

[@PVVI2015]

❤

[@eecneihappy]

🙏 ❤️ Amen me too, I isolate because I am SO tired - mentally, physically and afraid for exactly what this seminar talked about.

[@wendyhannan2454]

We can isolate our selves, and I’ve felt shame over that. However I’ve come to realise I don’t mind it at all I have many phone conversations with family and friends, which makes be happy and contented. Maybe isolating myself is away of protecting my self, I really don’t know 🤷‍♀️

[@wendyhannan2454]

Sandy don’t give up on your self, listening to people like Michelle does help. I’m buying her book. Us adders are really good people, we just operate a little differently 😉

[@misstobie]

This hits the ❤😢

[@pattyolson3842]

The information in this video was very helpful. I'm in the shame spiral place and the people who trigger me are ones I should feel safe with, but don't. It's people at my church that "talk about me" & my pastor who said "our relationship is fractured because of my behavior." This is because of times that I reacted rather than responded, and just wish he would be open to listening and learning how my brain is different. It feels like it's too late though.

[@tearthangel373]

Thank you as I can identify

[@lupe9249]

👆👆💨💨

[@kate4733]

Just ordered her audiobook. I’m 3 minutes in and already ugly crying

[@AnaK-kx4lr]

Definitely recommend listening to this extensive webinar! So helpful.

[@lisahorowitz8848]

This webinar was informative, insightful, and inspirational. I will be sharing the link!

[@lupe9249]

Look up👆👆

[@brunolamenza59]

Really powerful and helpful content for both women and men! I identify myself with a lot of points there. Thank you for reminding us that: We need to surrender to the reality that this problem doesn't have a final solution. So there isn't an X moment or knowledge that will fix everything. (But we will keep trying and it is ok.) And to the shame that comes with it. People don't need to be fixed, we don't need to be fixed. Another powerful statement.

[@lautjeclause2069]

Pfff, I recently got diagnosed & just starting to realize i've got a lot of reckoning to do... But at least, I've got some idea what to expect, some perspective.

[@Lucy-in9zy]

So helpful, practical and healing. Michelle Frank made it clear to me why neurodiverse community is so important. Among other things, it combats shame.

[@nath1284]

The whole presentation was extremely helpful and I especially found the last few slides around 40 minutes in hugely powerful. Thank you ❤️ 🙏

[@claravitale4510]

I am 78, find the answer on my 50’s

[@asadams88]

So extremely valuable 💖

[@lupe9249]

👆👆💨💨

[@laurelb4193]

Wowee love this webinar, and Michelle Frank’s amazing understanding and compassion! Just ordered the book w a gift card my nieve gave me, yay! Had to quit a job today after only one day. Yep, for ADHD reasons. So much embarrassment yet relief to be off the hook for a job that instantly made me feel miserable and misunderstood, yet again. In the past I had to just suffer through such jobs,as I’m sure many of us do. My honey took mercy on me. Whew😅

[@patriciaguant4025]

This has been really helpful to me because I just found out that I do have ADHD 3 years ago along with PTSD depression and anxiety

[@Christ_Is_Life10-10]

This was the most helpful presentation I have ever heard. It really resonated me with. These skills can be used universally with any problem that keeps me stuck.

[@juneelle370]

Incredible! Thank you!!! ❤️

[@PVVI2015]

Thank you! I have ordered your book so I pace my way through the information you presented. I think it will be very helpful for me.

[@swim610]

I think my undiagnosed adhd led me to be attracted to controlling people.

[@wendyhannan2454]

Absolutely.

[@juliabell5805]

That was really helpful thanks Michelle. A great talk. 😍🙏

[@isabellesmith1951]

I got diagnosed cptsd and relate to all this adhd too 👵🏼60 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@1butterontoast]

Excellent presentation. Going on my “watch later” list. This is worthy of rewatching.

[@sandrainontario6710]

I will have to re-watch it because I kept getting distracted😅

[@kayebarker8556]

This has really set me free. Has had me know and understand myself.

[@CopingwithGrattitude]

This describes me to the tee; profound understanding of this disorder. My son suffers so badly from this disorder and I don’t know how to lift him up. To care and cherish HIMSELF. So self negative. I have it too but with medication I am doing a bit better.

[@ExkupidsMom]

This is wonderful information. Some of the how-to was too simplistic, but overall, information that I want to share with other women I know who also have ADD. I think it will also be useful for my autistic friends.

[@bettyveronica9880]

Excellent speaker! As I listen on my Bluetooth, while attempting to at least clean my kitchen, I felt like you were talking about my life! It hurts sometimes, to realize how many regrets I have. However, this community helps me realize I’m not alone. Thank you for this! 💜

[@glanmiregal6513]

Amazing Grace. That is what you have given us dear Michelle. Looking forward to reading the book. Thank you so much.

[@tawjeparker7203]

It is a numbers game. How many times was a kid told " Doesn't meet expectations." Being the piriah. Those kids were told everything that echoes in their brain.

[@flyingumbreons]

Thank you

[@roselewsley4125]

Thank you!

[@TarotTrismagistus]

I have never felt SO HEARD in my life. THANK YOU SO MUCH. Words cannot explain my gratitude. I’d like to add (no adhd/add pun intended) the gaslighting is REAL. When I finally also decide to reach out for help, people are confused because I have learned to hide everything so well that I have to dig deep and explain so much just to “prove” I have adhd not to mention how different it is from the stereotypical adhd. Then I begin to wonder and question my self, and then I have the doctors saying it’s not adhd and then others yes and then….skelseosk}={‘dalao)&@ = shutdown. Isolation.

[@Christ_Is_Life10-10]

This training is amazing! Thank you!

[@lucindabreeding]

The one thing I don't struggle with is maintaining an organized and clean home and workspace. I also don't have issues with paying bills on time. But there are so many other traits and symptoms that I have had my whole life. I've never been tested and I'm not sure I'm going to be. Shame and guilt are huge for me.

[@sandrainontario6710]

I am the same and just diagnosed at age 74. I do get overwhelmed with some volunteer work I do and it's such a relief to find out why. But I developed systems to keep me going in the neurotypical world and you probably have done the same. Not knowing it was ADHD just knowing I was having a lot of problems keeping up!

[@c.s.102]

My niece did in two weekends A Mari Kondo organizing her flat. It took me 6 years. I Am now in a space of refining. I am 59 and got my diagnosis 3 weeks ago. Still have so many to chew on past and present. Doesn't matter start with a corner. If you want to get dopamine from clearing clutter watch Midwest Magic Cleaning. He is autistic and his wife has ADHD and some serious health issues too. Hope you are doing well

[@c.s.102]

3 weeks ago got my diagnosid. Same here took me 6 years to clear clutter. Watch Midwest Magic Cleaning for dopamine. He is autistic and his wife has ADHD.

[@c.s.102]

You love your animals more.

[@aloeoakra3291]

This video was incredibly informative.

[@claravitale4510]

Is so amazing to know my brain. That I am not defective or retarded or a failure, but gifted, I am a leader maker,! My three are children are leaders , my young son have my gift, my older son is my support, my older daughter has it, very sensitive things I do not like her,my Grandaughter super smart, killed herself, she was a victim of ADD, seeking answers that were a gift.

[@hopemadonsela6906]

You had me crying 😭😭

[@jonathanberry1111]

🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:04 🎙️ *Introduction to the discussion* - Introduction of Dr. Michelle Frank and the topic of ADHD in women. - Mention of Michelle Frank's expertise and her book "A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD." 03:55 🧠 *Understanding ADHD in Women* - Discussion on the unique challenges and experiences of women with ADHD. - Emphasis on the emotional legacy of ADHD in women, including shame, self-doubt, and learned helplessness. - Introduction to the concept of rejection sensitivity dysphoria and perfectionism in ADHD. 09:38 💔 *Emotional Impact of ADHD* - Exploration of the emotional impact of ADHD, including feelings of shame and unworthiness. - Discussion of the shame spiral and how it can lead to negative self-talk and emotional reactions. - Highlighting the importance of self-compassion and managing emotional challenges. 25:36 🔄 *Understanding the Shame Spiral* - The Shame Spiral is a cycle involving thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. - Women with ADHD often engage in self-limiting and self-sabotaging behaviors due to shame. - These behaviors include hiding, pretending, lying, and pushing people away. 27:10 🤐 *Coping with Hiding* - Hiding is a common coping mechanism for women with ADHD. - It can manifest physically (isolation) or by being inauthentic, pushing people away, or telling white lies. - Hiding is exhausting and hinders self-acceptance and support for ADHD challenges. 29:03 😰 *Avoidant Behaviors and Rejection Sensitivity* - Avoidant behaviors, such as Netflix binging or overeating, often result from shame and rejection sensitivity. - Learned helplessness can lead to procrastination and the belief of "I can't," which exacerbates problems. - Rejection sensitivity can make women with ADHD avoid emotional risks, hindering connection. 31:10 🌟 *The Path to Change: Awareness, Acceptance, Action* - Change begins with awareness of ADHD challenges and shame triggers. - Acceptance involves acknowledging the reality of ADHD and moving from resignation to valuing change. - Action requires intentional responses, moving from reaction to alignment with personal values. 34:16 🧐 *Unraveling Your Shame History* - Examining your shame history involves exploring messages received from others, institutions, and the media. - Recognize gender role expectations and how they affect women with ADHD. - Understanding your shame history is crucial for personal growth and breaking free from societal expectations. 37:22 🚀 *Moving Into Acceptance* - Acceptance is about embracing the reality of having ADHD and working with it rather than against it. - It is not resignation or carelessness but a respectful acknowledgment of one's reality. - Acceptance allows you to take empowered action and align with your values. 38:28 🌮 *Coping with Shame: The NACHOS Approach* - The NACHOS approach involves noticing triggers, anticipating situations, and practicing coping ahead. - Labeling emotions reduces their intensity and aids coping. - Being curious, creating space, and slowing down help manage emotions during a shame spiral. 44:37 🗣️ *Speaking Up and Setting Boundaries* - Setting boundaries and speaking up is essential for women with ADHD. - It's okay to say no or yes and express your needs and feelings directly. - Healthy relationships appreciate boundaries and differences, so stay the course even if you encounter resistance. 49:58 🌧️ *Coping with ADHD and Accepting Bad Days* - It's okay to have bad days when dealing with ADHD. - Building a relationship with yourself is essential. - Prioritize self-compassion and taking steps out of your comfort zone. 51:04 🤝 *Building a Relationship with Yourself* - Prioritize self-care and personal growth. - Model self-care for others. - Develop a core relationship with yourself to better manage ADHD and other challenges. 52:26 🗣️ *Talking to Others About ADHD* - Choose who you disclose your ADHD to carefully, considering emotional safety. - Be cautious about disclosure in the workplace. - Consider the level of openness and understanding in your personal relationships. 55:10 🧭 *Clarifying Values and Authenticity* - Authenticity can vary in different environments and with different people. - Use tools like the VIA Strength Survey to explore your values. - Reflect on what truly matters to you and what you want to prioritize in life. 57:34 🧘 *Dealing with Criticism and Rejection Sensitivity* - Pause and let your emotional brain settle before responding to criticism. - Understand the dynamics of your relationships and their knowledge of ADHD. - Express your feelings and explore what's beneath criticism to address the root issues. Made with HARPA AI

[@kihntagious]

im almost 70 and i wish it were just adhd. cptsd, major depression and maybe bpd. they all get mixed up into a life that has been sadness isolation and trying to fix it every single day. Ive never been loved and haved become a weirdo that people find too much. Im alone almost every day because im too needy and inconsistent. Being accused unfairly and being misunderstood are so painful. ive joined a group for people kind of like me . We'll see. Being vulnerable is so terrifying. My abuse and neglect started at birth. I was addicted in childhood. Opiates diet pills and food all before highschool through cough medication, dexedrine my doctor gave me, in 1968, 69. and i was bulimic for 25 years. my mother truly disliked me from infancy, this from her twin sister decades after she died. im losing the will to try.

[@tamucommerceart]

I think it’s wonderful that you are making the effort to join a support group. You are trying, and that’s a wonderfully brave thing to do - especially when it’s not easy.

[@patricia-leas22]

Loved it but i did cry… very useful just confronting. Wonderful work

[@olleharstedt3750]

Nice talk, but could use some more slides. :) Instead of one slide per 15 min, haha.

[@chillwinstonuk]

Does this relate to men too?

[@alienvomitsex]

If you're a man with ADHD and feel like this describes your struggle, yes. It definitely can. Society programs us differently based on changing gender norms but we are all still unique

[@Susanne-323-]

Revealing your ADHD to anyone feels like giving them ammunition which they will use against you.

[@c.s.102]

Only to people I feel save.

[@paddleduck5328]

🥲👍

[@evagunther7784]

Thank you. I still have a lot lot lot of self hate 🥲