Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA): Making Your Laundry List Obsolete (from 2016 ACoA convention)

Audio/podcast from the presentation at the 2016 ACA Convention in Redondo Beach, California. Making Your ACA Laundry List Obsolete by Ken Francis, MS, therapist, author, and speaker.
35,000+ Views! I am very grateful for being invited to speak at past ACA conventions. I never dreamed in 2016 when I spoke in the auditorium that my presentation would go beyond and reach so many people. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share.
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Website: www.TheIntimacyGram.com
#The_Intimacy_Gram
Can be helpful for step study groups.
(This is not ACA WSO produced material)

[@stop5gnowandrespectlife394]

AA is like mowing your lawn. You keep cutting the grass. ACOA is pulling the roots out.

[@bmanscire]

yes!

[@KoolT]

For sure and ALANON people too we are also damaged.

[@ViviantheVixen888]

So well put. AA just skims the surface. ACA is the deep work getting stressing t to the root. This healing is both deep and rewarding!!

[@williammartin5569]

This comment is amazing. I spent 14 years working an NA program and practicing meditation/presence and still struggled with sitting still for 15 minutes. With the ACA/inner child work my brain is starting to heal. I’m here for it!

[@TheIntimacyGram]

Another good one I recently heard, "AA deals with the fruits of your addiction, and ACA deals with the roots of your addiction."

[@Dave183]

Our journey is not for the half-hearted, or faint hearted. Parts of it can be fun, even entertaining [believe me!]. But most of it is gruelling. I am 72 years of age... and I can now say confidently, that I live my the Promises now- and no longer Iive The Laundry List. I moved away from cliches, some time ago- and learned how to act in a concerted way. If you are reading this one, Ken- I got into Jacob Marino at one stage too. But, much more than you I came from the camp of "the client group". Today I have an 11 year old grandson, with ADHD. I don't live for him- and his healing. But i do have my mind's eye on his future.

[@halatmothership6969]

While listening to the Laundry List, I just started crying. Have never heard this presentation before. I would love to find some meetings...Thank you, thank you

[@TheIntimacyGram]

Here’s where to look: adultchildren.org/meeting-search/

[@desislavamustakertcheva7231]

18 years sober but AA it's not enough for me. This program ACOA when deeper and help me to get to the roots of my drama, denial abuse the best therapy I ever had doing this program and for a while I didn't go and I could feel the effect even. I'm so involved in a carrying the message to other suffering alcoholic sisters but I feel like I need to go back and yesterday I went for the first time and I felt like at home. So those two programs are the key of my success with the conscious contact with it with the relationship I need to have with my higher power and to keep on healing. And what a beautiful video which I save and I'm sharing with others. God bless❤

[@TheIntimacyGram]

Beautiful testimony! Thank you for sharing. ♥️♥️♥️

[@bmanscire]

This is one of the best speakers I have ever heard! 💪

[@KoolT]

I love the end guy's, DANCERCISE or walk around 30 minutes in the morning after coffee.

[@alandry6872]

I wish I had a therapist like you. Thanks for this 👍

[@TheIntimacyGram]

Thank you for your support!

[@heybeautiful9379]

Thank you, I always thought I couldn't join an ACA group, because, I'm also an alcoholic. I've rediscovered this on KZbin and you don't know, how much understanding where I come from has helped me understand all the why's and what fors....

[@jeanettel4840]

I'm an alcoholic and I've joined ACA. It's the reason I was able to quit drinking, I finally got to the ROOT of why I drank. Best of luck to you!

[@Googoogonzalez]

1

[@krisscanlon4051]

Oh you can...in ACA big red book it actually states that we are possibly alcholic as well. For me I have a physical sobriety date of 8/21/2012 and emotional sobriety date/aca start date of 12/4/2017. I found myself in ACA and still need AA; however, I'm both.

[@KoolT]

Hugs and hugs. I grew up with a WW2 PTSD father and a CPTSD mother. So many fights, constant screaming fights, neighbors calling us the Battling "OUR LAST NAME". It often produces nervous wreck kid's. Siblings have alcohol use disorders and other ocd disorders, over eating, shopping, drinking, drugging, 2 married ragers thinking it was normal. 2 did not. You are NOT ALONE. HUGS.

[@KoolT]

You can also join ALANON

[@jaymcconnell3840]

I like his point about counter-balancing grief work (or any heavy inner work) with something positive. It’s my experience that can get pretty heavy and why not have some fun while your at it? Maybe let the inner child play and have some fun.

[@KoolT]

Yes, we don't HAVE TO STAY A VICTIM, now older I realize my dad went through a horrible war in the SOLOMON ISLANDS, and my mother was also horribly abused by my raging alcoholic grandfather. Just monster.

[@ccatdaddy64]

47:40 This is the problem with our Big Red Book and ACA today. This is where ACA lost it's identity and mission. As he said about sponcership: "How may people didn't come from other fellowships and have sponcer?" Which also means how many didn't learn the 8th and 9th step, amends in those fellowships. And has he said: "older people that need ti clean their side of the street". Well, you learned how to do that in those other fellowships. We rip of the teens and the young people coming not from another fellowship but st4aight from a dysfunctiinal family that could really use the 8th and 9th step as Tony A prescribed. Take away Tony's 8th and 9th, fail to give proper guidance as a sponcer and essentially we are committing the same abandonment to these young people coming in as our parents did to us. It isn't right. And some will say that chapter 8 fixes that. Still, 8th and 9th step in the BRB needs to be the ACA 8th and 9th. Put that AA versions steps in the back if needed. Another thing while it is written in the 8th in the BRB "we would never suggest an incest survivor go back to their perpetrator to make amemds" they then encourage it on the next page talking about the good results. If coarse it felt good initially. After all, they get what trait 12 will initially produce, "anything not to feel abandonment ". I don't know the individual cases or the people involved so I don't know if it was necessary a bad thing. That said, I know people who have done this very thing to get further wounded. And I have witnessed how people are coerced to go back to their abusers and make amends and it is very sick in my point of view.

[@angelamossucco2190]

This is fundamental knowledge to heal❤

[@entheo302]

thank you for being here. i feel so alone right now and am trying to focus on my hp

[@TheIntimacyGram]

Remember, "The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation."

[@brendajean5709]

Be encouraged

[@stop5gnowandrespectlife394]

The crazy sick no nos ... don't trust, don't talk, don't feel, don't heal.

[@jaedtobey791]

Vs- the Radical Recovery “know know knows” … know trust, know (true) talk, know Feel:(ings!:), KNOW HEAL.💞

[@jaedtobey791]

HEALING🙌🏼

[@jayjaychadoy9226]

I had a pretty good experience in an AA ACOA group. I cried for three years. Then I started doing service. Both parents were high functioning, untreated alcoholics. One was more of a codependent to the main alcoholic. For thirty years I did not drink, but when I turned 60 I started to imbibe again till I was unable to stop. I attend AA and have stopped drinking for 6 years. I no longer go to AA ACOA, but find trying to use the chapters: “The family afterward” and “To the wives”inadequate to deal with my siblings (the parents are dead). During lockdowns my 40 yr old son suicided. I’m a wreck 15 months later. Grief therapy, now going to OEI (like EMDR) therapy, and SOMA therapy. I don’t want to drink. My tendency is to not want to connect with people, even AA ACOA or AA. I love being alone, but I don’t. My fellow AA’s are smoking dope and I feel are unavailable, most of the time.

[@LALadyD]

Find a new tribe. I’m doing the inner child work now and working the yellow workbook and loving parent guidebook in a workshop at 9am Saturday morning pacific time. I have created a physically isolated little safe world at my house while I do this feel work and play in my garden. I’m so thankful for zoom bc I go to various meetings during the day so I’m not emotionally isolated. This is allowing me to get in touch with feeling my emotions as sensations in my body. It’s blowing my mind on a daily basis. I have been in recovery for 25 years. I now feel like I had plateaued or got stuck actually in AA. This feels like 360° of recovery. Stepping into my full authentic self. Caring for my inner family on a daily basis.

[@jefffelberbaum2060]

You might want to look into inner work that is more generally about liberation than the 12 Step cultures. As important as the work of those communities are, they become "religious", rigid, monolithic, and dogmatic to the exclusion of common sense (eg, your AA buddies zoning out with weed). I went from decades in the rooms to zero after a really bizarre encounter with a particularly cult-like wing of one of the fellowships to a long period of introspection, reconnection with generally wonderful ("Earth") people, to the Buddhist recovery communities (BRN, Refuge Recovery, etc) then to non-sectarian, non-dual oriented meditation, then towards direct sources of non-dual awakening... All very very helpful. In general, I'd say you can't go wrong by looking for the most authentic (to you) "spiritual" (not a great word but you probably know basically what I mean) "upgrade". When we shift our awareness to a "higher" (those pesky words with baggage again... Oh well) frequency, everything changes. Many blessings to you...

[@stop5gnowandrespectlife394]

Ken Francis. What a helpful video.

[@GMc-iw2fy]

Brilliant lecture, thank you so much

[@sea9994]

That describes recovery perfectly thank you for this

[@Trissa.33]

This was very good, thank you so much. Would have loved to see the video at the end! I'm just setting out on my recovery journey so am looking forward to checking more of Ken's videos and others.

[@TheIntimacyGram]

Glad you enjoyed it. Here is the link for the video that was presented at the end: kzbin.info/www/bejne/nnrOdIClbc9na5Y

[@Trissa.33]

@@TheIntimacyGram Thank you so much, just watched it, fantastic.

[@absolve4024]

Sooo good!♥️

[@vilmadann8910]

Thank you very very much it is so much clearer in today’s language.

[@TheIntimacyGram]

You are welcome!

[@janhochman4474]

This is interesting. I've been mulling over: what was the personality of the soldier before she or he enlisted? After the war, etc. what were they like then. How come these PTSDs occur? Is it that they had difficult growing up years and the war just exacerbated it?? I am very concerned how carefully the DOD/Military screen these enlistees for emotional stability.

[@TheIntimacyGram]

That's a good point! I think it also transcends to Police and government officials. But go figure the odds of finding somebody without emotional baggage.

[@annarorick7151]

Ahh... my husband, a GW veteran, who could use help. He admitts his pain but won'tget help!

[@Success4u247]

Ken . I started a group in 1991 and still recovering, my first AA meeting was 1979. Over 40 years later I have discovered, that denial can be good, because the human mind can’t handle too much pain. The ACOA group was like a quacker meeting, we would sit, then some one would share , perhaps for ten or fifteen minutes,. Would cry. Then someone else would share and perhaps cry , no matter what kind of group you’re in , If their isn’t healthy mirroring the inner CHILD WILL NEVER COME OUT OF HIDING. Their is a power dynamic in your talk . You have all the POWER WHILE EVERY ONE ELCE is the child, . Her is a short metaphor. Two gates into heaven one gate has a sign that says lecture on HEAVEN land the other gate says HEAVEN. All the ACAs are in the que for the lecture.

[@LelaStrika]

Makes total sense

[@Success4u247]

Thank you

[@leeleeturn]

What are you talking about? Where do you get this mirroring that's so necessary? Is that only available in psychotherapy?

[@Success4u247]

@@leeleeturn you’re questioning is very interesting. What am I talking about! ?

[@leeleeturn]

@@Success4u247 is that what you're doing with your response? Lol. No seriously, I'm curious because I was kind of hoping I could get some help in ACA but you're saying that you have to have healthy mirroring.

[@isabellamaschietto]

I want to someday soon make a big fast change and makke manifest 4 homes 8 family members 22 animals 1 blog 2 businesses 1 company thank you for listening glad to be listening to a speaker tape i hearrt ACA ❤

[@appletree9974]

This is really great stuff 👏

[@TheIntimacyGram]

Thank you!

[@maria-gorettimillard6253]

TYFS! Boundaries! Re-evaluation! For me!😎 😁

[@mshannahloganshow]

I read Laundry or Flipsides or work in workbook nearly every morning... this time got HP guidance... "Google ACA podcast, Laundry List" instead. Ended up here Went right to key moment "Follow guidance" to the end. Hang on for the ride. Fourth dimension indeed.

[@TheIntimacyGram]

I love it!!!

[@gturcott1]

High quality question and answer

[@TheIntimacyGram]

Thank you!

[@gturcott1]

@@TheIntimacyGram Really loved the topic and your talk first 10 minutes, would love to hear a whole 45 minute talk just on this topic.

[@jaedtobey791]

#ACA - Would love to hear more ways of (lovingly, but healthy) re-parenting your inner child/ren!

[@TheIntimacyGram]

My “Loving Parent” is my “Inner Adult”. Good topic for future video!

[@lauraleemoderndaysamaritan4137]

not sure if you are interested, but Tim Fletcher, who is a therapist, just began a new series on reparenting oneself...on youtube...he is excellent! He has many videos on CPTSD and addiction...

[@absolve4024]

@@TheIntimacyGram wow love that!

[@ladyofspa]

Louise Hay, and hayhouse radio for support.

[@KoolT]

Wow Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel.

[@TheIntimacyGram]

And as we get older, sometimes "Don't Remember"

[@nazz1973]

This is truly an amazing talk I love it! What’s the name Of the speaker ? I couldn’t find it or the conference

[@TheIntimacyGram]

Thank you! Speaker is Ken Francis, LMFT

[@TheLoveam2012]

I am married to an AA sponsor who referred me to ACA and is very critical of my progress. It is very triggering for me because I experience a lot of shame. How do I respond?

[@TheIntimacyGram]

AA tends to be heavy-handed, and very regimented: get a sponsor, read the first 164 pages of the Big Book, go to 90 meetings in 90 days, start working the steps... ACA has a much different and gentler approach. If your husband identifies with the 14th traits of the laundry list, or the other laundry list, I would certainly invite him to join you in an ACA meeting. And yes, I can totally understand how triggering this criticism may be for you. How to respond is a loaded question. The solution is to become your own loving parent. In time, I am sure you will learn to respond with gentleness, humor, love and respect. 🎈

[@TheLoveam2012]

@@TheIntimacyGram thank you so much! Yes AA is very different. He referred me to ACA (he has never been to an ACA meeting) he found it to help me and I have been in the program now for a few months. Actually finished my 5th step recently with my sponsor. It’s been a bumpy journey but I will not give up. ACA has helped me so much. Your videos also help me tremendously. So thank you! I’m very grateful that I get to do this work