After Hours - Why Time Travel Wouldn’t Work For Everyone

Time-traveling might be a great idea on paper but, upon closer examination, it's probably best to stick to your own space-time continuum where you can make a BLT without being burned at the stake for being a witch.
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[@LordJokester]

All Soren had to do to escape being accused of sorcery was to claim that everything he knew was "shown" to him in dreams by God. Not only he'd get a free pass, but he'd probably become a saint eventually.

[@levongevorgyan6789]

A lot of those saints died horribly.

[@edisonmichael6345]

Uh... both saints and heretics were quite often killed for claiming God has spoken to them.

[@eliezertoussaint7791]

Io

[@blewgrassboy8461]

I'd predict the future like wars and be nostadomis

[@sparkymularkey6970]

I don't know much about Christianity, but isn't it said that God basically decided he wasn't going to talk directly to people anymore? Am I remebering that wrong?

[@bryzantine1571]

Go to the 90s. Buy apple stock. Or Google

[@harrytsang1501]

PayPal, then Bitcoin, then buy gold and go back to fund Apple when they are in the garage. Bitcoin and repeat until you own everything on earth and then accelerate Mars colonization. Heck, even rename yourself to Elon

[@roadmaster9777]

California gold Rush hide large amount of gold away then before Apple make a deal giving them huge Amount of money but get 75 % then McDonald's aswell

[@Connor-qk2nn]

Stop 9/11

[@SoullessAIMusic]

that was exactly what I was going to say, like no lie I was just saying as I was scrolling down to the comment section, "Why dont you just go back to the 90s and invest in apple and..." Thn I stumbled upon your comment. I would also probably invest in Amazon, NewEgg.com, freaking Marvel, I mean some of these were dirt cheap in the 90s and some became start up companies.

[@SoullessAIMusic]

@Harry Tsang, you dont want to fund apple that early! Although they boomed early on they were in a downward trend when they focus on making more professional computers instead of gaming rigs back in the 90s, Thats when you want to invest is when their stock plummeted because leaving gaming behind was a bad move for them so their stock was dirt cheap and the only place to go from there was up.

[@TroutBoneless]

"Is time travel like an upper body thing?" This line is criminally underrated lmao

[@miltonshackleford4365]

I don’t get ot

[@TroutBoneless]

@@miltonshackleford4365 its just a throwaway gag about men trying to understand why time travel wouldnt work for women, and DOB comes up with biological differences in upper body strength, because he's an adorable wikipedia server

[@benhac]

This whole series is criminally underrated!!

[@Danath1982]

I love the fact that 5+ years later there's still regular comments on this video. I hope the After Hours crew is proud of their timeless material. Thank you all for the amazing content you gave us!

[@justinlawrence7584]

The best part is when I come back and find one of my old comments

[@owenatkinson5744]

Finally, I found a comment on one of these videos more recent than eight years ago! I thought I was alone on here, lol.

[@timbuktu8069]

@@justinlawrence7584 It's like you time traveled to the past.

[@tracey5324]

A safe-ish time period for women was pre-christian nordic times. Women were able to hold property, run businesses, run estates and influence a great many things including laws. There were even travelling wise women who were so respected, lords were expected to give up their seat at table and their bedroom to ensure their comfort.

[@georgiab5102]

Tracey Granter also Mayan times women could have divorces, and all of the things you listed

[@nathanjora7627]

Tracey Granter or pre Roman Gaul. Though they could get killed and enslaved because Gauls were at war with each other pretty much constantly. Or Rome. She could’ve been a priestess and just do stuff and pretended it was a gift of the gods. Or Greek during the Roman Empire, we know that at least some of them managed to be renowned for heir intellectual prowess. Or you know, a woman during the enlightenment era and beyond, wherein we have many records of women being well cultivated and being inventors and doing stuff. I mean, women breaking social conventions to affirm their indépendance in a remembered way statered as early as the French Revolution. She could’ve been fine in England or France at the time if she had enough to bring to the table (granted, she would’ve needed far more than any land had to bring to the table, but it’s not like it was unmanageable).

[@te1apartes]

Oh go to Spartan times and become one of the very wealthy women who ran the country

[@hbeachley]

...in some places.

[@penelopekatz5691]

And women generals.

[@thedick009]

Oh my god what if Shakespeare WAS a time traveller...the inconsistent spellings of the name, the multiple theories about him being several different people...he even used his time travel powers to marry a hot Hollywood actress and bring her back to the 1600s with him! It all makes so much sense...

[@Actionfan19]

Makes more sense if you consider his plays are based on high school reports on other stories from around the world.

[@goroakechi6126]

@@Actionfan19 Or it’s like a casual loop. Shakesphere was super into Shakesphere plays in future times, then went back and wrote all of them.

[@KeithElliott-zd8cx]

@@goroakechi6126 think there was a twilight zone episode about that. this guy basically wished to become the greatest playwright ever, as he adored shakespeare, so he went back in time and met bill. bill sucked, so the guy ended up doing shakespeare with bill more or less as an editor/frontman.

[@daerdevvyl4314]

KeithElliott-zd8cx I don't remember that one, but there was one where an Elvis impersonator went back in time and accidentally killed Elvis (actually I think Elvis got violently angry when the impersonator told him he was supposed to start singing rock and roll music, so the impersonator killed him in self defense). So the Elvis impersonator has to live as Elvis from then on.

[@MichaelAruba]

I just love the beginning. Yes, a phone to a medieval person would seem like magic and Michael's whole exchange with Soren in the beginning is amazing

[@Pretermit_Sound]

For the phone to work in the first place however, you’d have to also take back all the related infrastructure with you. Satellites, cell towers, some kind of network that kept those things running smoothly (like our modern service providers.) Not to mention lithium battery technology, electricity, and power plants, electrical grid, etc. etc. It wouldn’t be as simple as just bringing your phone with you.

[@merlin7256]

its 2019 and i still re-watch after hours

[@iambicpentakill971]

2021. Great stuff.

[@Bladez10]

@@iambicpentakill971 Indeed

[@skysthelimitvideos]

2021 and same

[@arthurwaite976]

@@skysthelimitvideos 2022 and same

[@Kazdy]

2023, yep, still watching

[@MaricaAmbrosius]

Dan could be elected president. He could go back and use speeches and catchphrases he learned from future presidents.

[@Lauren.E.O]

He’d get too nervous Before social media, presidents needed to be able to work a room. Every room of people with money.

[@jacobkleinsasser5658]

The only downside is he would need to make sure his speeches were relevant. It would be very weird if one of our first presidents said something like "Tear down this wall."

[@KBGazer]

Ancient Egypt was kinder to women. They were allowed to own land and run their own businesses. You could say that you're ideas were given to you in visions by the gods, then you'd be a powerful priestess. There was even a women Pharaoh at one point.

[@imitationinfinity7962]

Weren't there two?

[@skwills1629]

KB- That womanPharoah was an embarrassment who secured her position through her own force of WIll. After she died, her name was erased from all Public Buildings and all DOcuments they could find burnd. Yeah that sounds like they were woman friendly. Ancient Wgupt was not s woman friendly as you imagine it to be.

[@KBGazer]

I might be wrong but wasn't the reason they tried to scrub her from records was because of her bratty son who hated her cause she wouldn't step down and let him rule? He was the one who wanted her erased, not because she was a woman, just that he was a selfish brat.

[@secretlyafurry7525]

Utah was kind to ladies in the late 18th century.

[@skwills1629]

KB- No, it was because she was a woman. Her "Bratty" son was how she got to rule, as he didn't want to. He had too much fun with his army buddies. Blaming him is a convenient excuse, in order to justify the myth of Egyptian Society being so woman friendly. Sort of like twisting Bible verses to say women were viewed as property. Real History is more sloppy than that. www.britannica.com/biography/Hatshepsut "Early scholars interpreted this as an act of vengeance, but it seems that Thutmose was ensuring that the succession would run from Thutmose I through Thutmose II to Thutmose III without female interruption. " Of course EGyptian Sciety was better to women than Phonecian or Assyrian CUkture, but its relative. Women could not rule. Egyptian Society was not OK with female rulers. And they were notorious about editing their failures or embarrassments out of History.

[@malcomalexander9437]

Go to China, become a pirate. History's most successful pirate was a Chinese woman. She had fleets of ships.

[@yogsothoth7594]

What exactly could you bring to the table that would make you a successful pirate compared to everyone else of the time?

[@davesargent7304]

What was her name?

[@petrmaly9087]

Stop lying, we all now that all women, who ever left the kitchen during the entire history of the, like, world, was instantly burned at stake as a witch. They did it to all women in Rome, that is how the Roman Empire ended. Even in the 1920's, they had no autonomous female inventors, there was no way a woman would accomplish anything, there wasn't any female power in politics, no way any female group would accomplish any political goal whatsoever... stop lying, we all know everything was sexist and still is.

[@RogueVideoRaven]

dave sargent Her name was Ching Shih, the most successful pirate in history. She was able to evade capture by the Chinese and British fleet so they made a deal to let her retire in order for her to stop.

[@davesargent7304]

@@petrmaly9087 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ching_Shih

[@zZrEtRiBuTiOnZz]

Easy, I'd go back to 2008 when Bitcoin was worth like $0.001, and buy like $40,000 worth of it.

[@lenny3735]

dont forget about netflix

[@EdgyShooter]

If you buy too much, you'd knacker the market for it

[@zZrEtRiBuTiOnZz]

@Jake Shattuck I had 40k to blow back in 2008.

[@chpunisher2005]

or a bit further back and start with Apple and Microsoft stocks. then you can still invest in bitcoin once it came around. There are plenty of ways to go back to the middle ages and be successful, but then you are living in the middle ages.

[@mrfivegold]

Whatever happened to the good ol' Sports Almanac?

[@anthonynorman7545]

As a black dude, I completely agree. There's a very limited span of time worth going to in my skin. There's always beating Nat Turner to the punch...

[@msjkramey]

Anthony Norman nah, you just don't want to travel to "white places." We are taught a very eurocentric view of history and accomplishments but there's a whole big world out there that didn't involve white people. Think the Americas, Africa, parts of Asia

[@anthonynorman7545]

J Girl Looking different is almost always bad especially when going backwards and there's little I know of those cultures that I could benefit from.

[@Avenger2099]

Yup, what J Girl said, travel back in time to the Roman Empire. Travel to Carthage, or Egypt, Mesopotamia or Babylon. There are plenty of periods in history where people of color were in very powerful positions but whenever this joke comes up we just always think of Europe from the 1200's on.

[@GuyUWishUWere]

OR you could travel to discover lost technologies/civilizations/make the whole "pre-historic era" a misnomer. You know become the greatest historian of all time. You fucking idiot.

[@sanc6284]

sumguy0110 Actually go back, record the histories on stone and hide them someplace where you could return and find them in the modern day.

[@harrytsang1501]

Go to 1998, get a bunch of the sauce, save them in a safe until the April fool of 2017

[@KaedeLanyo]

That's actually kind of genius in the weirdest way.

[@TangledLion]

Wait, are you the one who harvested it for McDonald's for those Jugs they sent out?

[@guildofgamers672]

Did this, marketed it, was immediately lawsuited by McDonalds and I'm using my one phone call to get my friend to write this comment.

[@PB-ok1nm]

9 more seasons

[@MrMitchellb10]

How do we know people didn't do that???!!!!!

[@thevampirefrog06]

You pull a Biff, and bet on all the sports teams you know are going to win/invest in all the right stocks.

[@michaeliv284]

Even better, go back and offer it to your parents. Say you are an altruist, a friend of a friend, distant family or whatever. Win their trust at a pub or something (whatever they do on a night out) and show a demonstration of the almanac, list of winnings or what have you and you come back to the present rich

[@erdrickcapet3945]

The amount of money you could make alone by knowing when the Red Sox and Cubs would both end their World Series droughts ahead of time...

[@michaelplowman8674]

@@erdrickcapet3945 Think about the money you could make off the 91 World Series. Both Atlanta and Minnesota finished last in their divisions the year before. Put $1000 on them to be in the Series with Minny winning and you make probably 500K to a million. In 2004, betting the Yankees blow the 3-0 lead to the Red Sox. And the best part is, none of your bets should alter history. 2016, 3 teams blow 3-1 leads in the playoffs of 2 sports. The Giants beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl in 07. You mix in just enough losses that no one gets too suspicious.

[@PaperbackWizard]

And just how far back could you go with this knowledge? Biff had a full almanac of winners and losers. How encyclopedic is your knowledge of sports history?

[@michaelplowman8674]

@@PaperbackWizard I can name just about every World Series, Super Bowl, and NBA Champion since 85. The odds for Indiana going undefeated in 86 would be monstrous. Duke over UNLV in the 88 Final 4, I think, might draw some money.

[@TheFrugalVideoGamer]

"Any sufficiently-advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C. Clarke

[@user-eo8vg5zz6t]

Go back 7 years and buy a fuck ton of bitcoin

[@megadeathx]

If you don't put it in circulation, if you hoard it; then it isn't a useful currency and not enough people will have access to it for it to be useful as a means of barter and trade. Sure you could go back and buy a bunch of it, but you'd WAY better off going back in time with knowledge of all the dips in Bitcoin value. That way when it's at its lowest popularity, you can be the guy that rescues Bitcoin from failing as a currency by buying enough to keep people interested in getting more of it. Spend some Bitcoin as it's (re)growing in value and dump as much as possible when it peaks. Because what's the point of having money? To buy other things you actually want to have.

[@StarWarsomania]

Tim Murphy Go back to 1971 and buy up a fuckton of gold at $35 an ounce.

[@GoErikTheRed]

StarWarsomania Go back to literally any time and buy gold for less than it's worth today. It's called inflation

[@buttAttack]

meh... I am to lazy for that shit. Just memorize 10 numbers go back a year and win the lottery

[@AnthonySforza]

+GoErikTheRed Except you'd need gold to buy it. I don't think that old timey Europeans would accept a fistful of Benjy Franklins for it.

[@acorneyelid5024]

Memorize few lottery numbers, go back couple weeks/months back in time.

[@DeusAequus]

Go way into the future and be a celebrity as an interesting relic of the past

[@mattlacdao3807]

What about the viking age? Their laws were protective of women and they could own land or their own

[@cthulhugodofdestruction2913]

Oh Sparta they had laws that allowed women to own land and women were pretty respected

[@dylansamv7827]

@@cthulhugodofdestruction2913 because Spartan woman were the only ones who gave birth to real men, real quote.

[@artypyrec4186]

Yeah but your still a viking still a chance of your settlement would be gone by morning

[@juelsgarcia5406]

And they showered regularly

[@TheAlorra]

And you would need to be born a Viking or Spartan woman. If you just showed up you'd probably be taken as someone's property, if you were lucky. And you wouldn't necessarily speak the language, you'd be a foreigner.

[@RecklesslyPessimistic]

Na you'd all burn, know any middle English? No? You'd basically pop out of nowhere wearing strange clothes, speaking what sounds like gibberish to the locals. They'd either think you're foreign and/or magic, neither of which you want to be in medieval England.

[@tyrant-den884]

Always assume TARDIS style translation, it's the only way to move the conversation forward.

[@widdershins3785]

Provided any yokel nearby in the random field you land in cares enough to pay you attention for longer than it takes for them to stop thinking about how to keep their hardscrabble life going. It's the higher level, rich people who can consider the thought of "Hmm, Different. Does this provide a threat I should deal with by murder?!" Any average joe of the past is just going to be glad you haven't immediately tried to kill them along with the several dozen other things killing them already. Like Scurvy. Whatever that does. So you've got, like, two weeks maybe before anyone cares to look into you. With all the widespread myths of monsters or diseases, i'm sure the guy who claims he's from the future holds as much stock as the village idiot.

[@allthebanter9316]

If you go far enough back you could be viewed as some kind of god, like a fomorian or one of the tuathe de danann, he’ll go back with a taser and a hammer and boom your Thor incarnate, it stands to reason that the gods would speak a different language

[@devforfun5618]

@@widdershins3785 scurvy was more of a sailor thing, because they didn't have a way to take fresh fruits with them, disintery killed poor people

[@christopherwilson88]

If they can speak other European languages reasonably well, they can probably get by. I'm fairly fluent in Spanish and Portuguese, and have been able to read works from close to 1,000 years ago in those languages. They're not the same as the modern varieties, true, but they're still totally comprehensible, unlike Old English. (Even with Middle English you can probably muddle your way through to an understanding. It's challenging, but a native English speaker could probably work out a way of communicating without a ton of time. Old English is right out though).

[@spike4972]

Just go back to any recent companies huge jump and buy in. Apple before the iPhone jump. Netflix on the ground floor. So many fucking options. This one is too easy

[@chaosgoblin3866]

I was asked me a similar question a few months ago (Would you go back in time to when you were 15, with all your knowledge from now, or would you take £1 mil tax free). After a few misses, I came up with investments. We know more about recent history than any other time, anyone could use that to their advantage.

[@Crosswalker91711]

Or Westinghouse, GE, Carrier and Ford when they first started.

[@jolivas7]

Buy a ton of bitcoin circa 2010. You'd be a billionaire.

[@F117DJS]

spike4972 I completely agree. It'd be a lot easier than say "building a steam engine during the Roman Empire." (Cough cork comment above cough cough)

[@MrDj232]

Southwest Airlines the day after 9/11. Their stock dropped to $3 a share and quickly rose up to $30 a share. Invest a mortgage into that and you'd be a millionaire.

[@Zakkleberg]

"well I'm with you so far". "Really!?" Comedy gold

[@EweChewBrrr01]

I miss these guys. I was always happy when a new After Hours was uploaded. I'm now watching reruns of the show.

[@Clearbluejay]

Only answer travel within your own lifetime and bet on stuff you remember. Apple stock in the 80's outcomes of presidential elections etc. Then when you've caught up to where you left then you change the world and not worry about messing up the timeline.

[@megadeathx]

Apple stock only when Steve Jobs was running the company. You short sell it when he got kicked out and then buy back when he was reinstated. Also, did you know Disney quadruped its stock price since 2014? That fact blew my mind.

[@donaldthahale404]

Yes

[@Supadawg1000]

Go to 1928 with 500 $ cash from a modern payday, bet against the stock market before the crash. The few people that saw the depression coming made tens of thousands (millions in that time) and lived happily. Write my will so that half my estate would be diversified into different stocks- Apple, Starbucks, Amazon and the likes so my family would be billionaires for generations to come.

[@clarehidalgo]

Modern money wouldn't work, you'd have to get money from that era because all dollar denomination bills have a different design then compared to now days. Wasn't until 1929 that they made the dollar bills the size they are today and for example the images we use on the front and back of the 1 dollar bill wasn't introduce until 1963 and 1957 respectively. The five and 10 dollar bills were redesigned in 2006, the 100 dollar bill was redesigned in 2009, and the 20 dollar bill was redesigned in 2003.

[@stevehussein4259]

Alternatively, he could buy something like Gold today, and sell it in the past in order to get the cash for the stock market. He'd be losing about 1k per ounces in conversion cost since gold for most of the 20th century was valued at about 250$ (in today currency) instead of around 1200, but the stocks would still net him quite the sum.

[@JasonGriffin]

Even if they had the correct money their lack of documented existence and hence inability to properly pay any associated taxes would make this impossible under the scrutiny they would receive for having made so much money on the crash.

[@skadrumsandwich7415]

It would be way easier to find out what today's Powerball numbers are....and then travel back 24 hours and win it. Unadventurous? Perhaps....but easy and fool-proof and safe

[@dogenjinn4806]

I'd go back and buy AOL stock before the tech bubble burst, and smack my younger self on the back of his head for not thinking of it the first time. SO many millionaires were made investing in that company when it was still relevant.

[@ValensBellator]

There were plenty of times that were safe for women, you just had to be among the top class of people.

[@V2011F]

Well marrying into the nobility would help with that or at the very least be a mistress.

[@SamA-cw3be]

Vikings. Egypt. Greece. Assyria, Native American pre and post Colombusz There are many times in many cultures that a woman can be successful that.

[@talic-os5899]

@@SamA-cw3be and how could Katie become rich and famous in those places? Knowing only what she knew 3 years ago.

[@talic-os5899]

@@V2011F but how would Katie do that? I don't think you can just show up at a castle and go "hey, have you ever heard of dating?"

[@V2011F]

@@talic-os5899 I hate to say this but..... if you caught the eye of a wealthy lord or royal, and preformed a few sex acts on them that got them to keep you as a mistress, well then you were pretty much set for life. Just look at the list of mistresses that Louie 14th had and see where they went in life. Many of them not only had his kids but were active in the political scene of the day.

[@hbeachley]

This is one of my favorite ice breakers. How far back could you go and still be useful? I think most of us could at least teach people to wash their hands. I don't know how to make soap, but we’ve pretty much always had alcohol.

[@Cornermanager11]

They guy who tried to teach people to start washing there hands got shunned by the medical community lol so it might be harder then you think people called him crazy his name was ignaz semmelweis

[@jwildy2428]

Semelweiss tried this. He died in a mental asylum for going on about tiny, invisible bug things that kill pregnant women.

[@LadyDoomsinger]

But how would you explain the necessity for washing your hands? You'd have to first introduce the concept of Germ Theory to a bunch of people who think diseases are caused by evil spirits or an imbalance of humors.

[@hbeachley]

@@LadyDoomsinger honestly, I think it would have to be presented as a faith, or some kind of magic. I don’t think most people had the kind of education they’d need to to understand that explanation, although I do think there would be a few people who were very intelligent, or very willing to take risks, who would “get it.”

[@ProletariatPrince]

What always bugs me about time travel is that you're going back in time but staying in the exact space you are now. The problem with that is the Earth could be in a vastly different place rotation wise, around the sun or even in space since even the Milky Way Galaxy itself is moving. So odds are that if somebody has discovered a way to time travel all the time travelers are dead in space somewhere.

[@TjPhysicist]

i just assumed a time ship would also be a space ship...because why wouldn't it?

[@KeithElliott-zd8cx]

@@TjPhysicist i mean, because that's not really how time travel works, presumably. if your only factor is time, it doesn't take spatial co-ordinates into account. plus, you'd have to calculate your exact point in the universe atm, and at the point you're trying to get to, which is pretty much impossible given the scale of everything. it's not just, where in the solar system is earth, where in the galaxy is the solar system - it's also where in the scale of everything. actually, there was a good short story about this idea of time travel - it worked, but it dumped everything exactly where the earth was at when it happened, and of course it wasn't there later. on the flipside, there's also the idea of warp gates, which are linked to certain space and times - it should be reasonable to assume you might be able to do something with a time capsule of sorts, you know, build a box that can move things from one time to another time, by trading the space within the box between present and future, sort of thing, in the same way you could envision a door opening from new york on one side, to london on the other. it'd get around any potential 'earth gone' issue, if the boxes are causally linked, so you're always teleported not just through time, but to the box.

[@mobulis]

Forgetting about gravity are we? You know that force that keeps us from being spun off the earth.

[@eliasholzheimer8085]

People are all butt hurt over the topic but I'm just excited about Soren wearing a colordao t-shirt

[@the120cxx]

I ain't even from Colorado, but I'm giving this a like anyway.

[@eliasholzheimer8085]

the120cxx i ain't even black and I'm giving this a like anyway.

[@trevandmoretrev9674]

I got excited over Soren's shirt too.

[@DomR1997]

Elias Holzheimer I kept thinking it was Cisco

[@tsarmichael3876]

This show needs to come back 2023 needs it #BringBackAftherHours. 💯

[@MarkImaanaLaibutaMIL]

I miss these guys. Best pop culture debate show ever.

[@AndytheUltimate1]

Maybe this is where The Room came from, Tommy Wiseau time traveled and created what was a masterpiece from their half remembered recollections of it, so it came out as bad as it is, and the actual masterpiece wasn't created because they thought that people would just think they were ripping off The Room.

[@JaymeDeeRAV]

1898, Marie Curie discovers Radium and is not looked upon as a witch. In fact, she then was the first woman to get a PhD from a Paris university.

[@LadyDoomsinger]

And have you considered how many women throughout all of history discovered or invented something that you *don't* know about? The fact that so few female historical figures exist in the records compared to men suggest only two possibilities: 1. Men were more capable than women and achieved more things noteworthy of historical records (unlikely), or 2. Women's contributions were rarely acknowledged, except for the handful of exceptions that were too big to dismiss.

[@13wargo]

Easy: go the late 50’s, record every beatles song years before them. Then, at some point, have all royalties checks sent to future me

[@Tkieron]

How would you perform concerts and TV shows?

[@scoj4286]

She could go back to “Viking times”. Scandinavian Vikings had extremely revolutionary rights for women. I think

[@burtan2000]

People seem to have forgotten women like Mary Shelly. She wrote a very advanced novel about USING PARTS OF DEAD PEOPLE TO CREATE HUMAN LIFE. That's super taboo and that was literally 200 yrs ago. Other famous women are famous bc of who they fucked, like Cleopatra, but not Joan of Arc. She died a fricken virgin. I mean, she died horribly, so they have a point. But Catherine the Great ruled an enormous empire and is one of only a handful of European Absolute Monarchs that earned the epitaph "Great" And the whole "it;s a white guy thing" is basically because they're only familiar with GASP white guy history! Meaning western history. If you know how to make black powder (which isn't hard for crafty , knowledgeable folk based on my extensive readings of Jules Verne - only takes something call salt-peter and probably some soda ash, thatt shit was in everything) and you're not white, so what? For anyone, the real challenge (and really insurmountable challenge) is LANGUAGE. Anything before the Colonial era and you're not gonna understand ANYONE unless you're one of the world's leading language experts, which you're not. So the entire exercise can really only apply to the last 400 yrs AT MOST. Reading Shakespeare is tricky for most people. You'd not be able to understand their pronunciation. But you can read and write, right>? Have you tried reading the words in the actual Declaration of Independence? That cursive is tough, man. But they had printing presses, i guess.

[@Strawberry92fs]

@@burtan2000 What? "The Great" is the single most thrown about title in the history of...well... History. Magnificent on the other hand, There's only been one "The Magnificent" to my knowledge.

[@stephanerasmus8313]

The Vikings were very open to women, but women were also expected to be warriors. I doubt she would enjoy hacking some British knight's head off with a sword or axe.

[@cjwrench07]

They would never be able to understand her anyways, and it would take years to adapt even if she spoke that very specific region’s modern dialect. All languages change over time so going back any more than 100-200yrs, and you would have a hell of a time with any older English dialects; even with knowing how to speak and write modern English. For example: “He put a feather in his cap and called it macaroni” Do you know what macaroni really stood for, because it’s not referring to pasta?? Or how to pronounce “Ye olde tavern” properly? Or, even think about reading Shakespeare, doesn’t it sound a lot different to modern English in syntax and grammar? Plus, the majority of Medieval and older societies were very xenophobic(even to tribes within hiking distance), because that’s how very dangerous diseases were spread but most thought certain outside groups were just dirty/evil/witches. So, going into any old society, without a real universal translator, would get you exiled at best, and tortured to death at worst for trying to help and/or rule them.

[@darrenmacqueen9884]

@@burtan2000 Mary Shelley was only able to publish Frankenstein by doing so anonymously, and everyone assumed her husband Percy Shelley wrote it because it was dedicated to Mary's father (who was a close friend of Percy.) It wasn't until long after that Mary Shelley finally got any credit for it.

[@Psy500]

The Roman Empire didn't have the concept of black magic or witches (at least not among the ruling elite). As long as she didn't speak against the ruling elite or the pantheon of Gods defending Rome she wouldn't have to worry about being seen as a heretic.

[@willmueller4984]

Psy she could be seen as a god who came to earth to help human (stuff like that happens quite often in roman mythology)

[@skwills1629]

Psy- Actually Ancient Rome did have a concept of witchcraft, even amongst the ruling elite. Ancient Rome also had far more strict Anti-Witch laws than did the later, more villified Christians. In Ancient Rome, you could kill a Witch without trial. Ironically, it was Christians in the Early Middle Ages that ended the Roman Witch Laws, as the Church had ruled that Witches simply did not exist. And no, they did not have Witch Trials in The Middle Ages, they are Early Modern. After about 1200 Years or so, belief in Witches resurfaced.

[@skwills1629]

Our Holy- WOuknd't that be goddess? ALso, she's too human. The ROmans weren't stupid.

[@Psy500]

Sk Wills, they had the concept of mystics but not modern witches (their idea of witches was simply female wizards) or black magic. They did not have the concept of good/evil supernatural forces as their religion held that all supernatural forces were tied to the will of deities that had their own self-interests, there are even mythical wizards acting on the side of Rome so there was no anti-witch laws in pagan Rome as that would be heresy against their own religion and would be like the Pope making angels illegal.

[@BennysGamingAttic]

But Romans had communal poop sticks...

[@PppGameboy]

There's a great bit in Douglas Adams' Mostly Harmless where Arthur finds a prehistoric civilisation and plans to teach them all the wonders of modern society (medicine, science, technology, etc). He then realises he doesn't know how any of that works so he becomes a sandwich maker instead.

[@genericfakename8197]

>time travel is exclusively a white guy thing yeah I'm sure I'd do great as king of the zulus or a japanese swordsman.

[@Atamastra]

Okay, I've seen this episode at least a dozen times, I am JUST now getting the opening lines of the improv sales pitch. Soren says, "hail traveler" And Michael says, "Hail? Is that a joke?" and proceeds to describe his fate in the 'disease gutter'. He's using the homophone "hale" not "hail"; hale... as in healthy. To Swaim's English peasant character, he is the exact opposite of a hale traveler... he is syphilis-ridden peasant with two rotted-off legs. NGL that is incredibly clever writing 😂

[@Placker8102]

I'm kinda glad you explained it. I've seen this a dozen times also and never really got it.

[@lemax4277]

Why is it that every time we hear "time travel" it's always going back in time but not forward?

[@warlorddragonking2555]

Lemax I believe you wouldn't be able to travel forward because the future isn't set in stone. The past alternatively has already happened and is set. You see what I mean?

[@wg3671]

WarLord DragonKing future time travel would be the same as in futurama, time particles chrono- something would slow around you to prevent you from aging but would stay the same around every one else , so it would be essentially you just waiting for a really long time with out aging, or go light speed- which is the same thing- just waiting for normal time to pass on for everyone else

[@vodaaaaaa]

The closer you get to the speed of light, the faster time moves around you. According to our understanding of physics right now, traveling to future would be probably a possible thing. We don't even have any idea how traveling to the past would be possible.

[@crasimia7728]

WarLord DragonKing who's to say the future already exists what we will do is set in stone figuratively

[@petertownsend9148]

Because the idea was to get rich and/or famous with the knowledge you already have. Going to the future makes that harder because they probably know everything you know and more. The only thing you'd be good for is telling first hand accounts of things you witnessed in your life.

[@PestyWanderer]

Memories lottery numbers then go back a few months

[@skwills1629]

Shaw, due to The Butterfly Effect, the numbers would likely be different.

[@Etherian87]

Considering you can't memorize how to spell the word memorize i'm not entirely certain of your chances :p

[@jypsridic]

Why memorize when you could just write it down and take the piece of paper with you. SK Wills: That's not how the butterfly effect works.

[@AedanHamrock]

It probably wouldn't be different, unless you interacted with the draw itself.

[@Summit900]

Glad someone else gets it. Go back to last year when the lotto was at like $1bil and win it the draw before it was won. Bam, $500mil

[@fite-4-ever876]

go back to imperial Rome and sell salt. just buy huge amounts of it here and flip it there. salt was super valuable and i could undersell everyone else

[@trinityfranklin8356]

Unless you had some sort of Santa's bag situation where you could carry that much in a small area and be near it all the time someone would steal it, even then they might kill you and then steal it.

[@samcalder2024]

Fun fact: that’s where the word salary came from due to salt being so valuable back then

[@scp--297]

Shit, your right. Just sell salt, sugars, and spices. Boom, you won. Also bring a gun to shoot people so they don't steal from you.

[@seandobbins2231]

The key to profiting from hypothetical time travel is pretty simple. First, don't travel more than 100 years back since a lot of the comforts that we take for granted are relatively recent. Second, learn well various highly useful inventions that didn't exist at the time and how to make them with resources available in that time, then invent those items, file for patents, and profit. Ultimately, the key to profiting from time travel is advance prep.

[@hotrodG2]

Since I'm black I would go to the 1800s and become catcher freeman Also kudos if anyone gets the reference

[@blackkid3000]

jaicee bright which version

[@MsTeo91]

jaicee bright YES!!!

[@solomonofbifrost6855]

IamtheFATT is right. It's important to note precisely which version you'd become x) . Presumably Granddad's?

[@keraatkins7833]

is it wrong that I started singing the catcher Freeman theme song while reading this?

[@remuj6457]

jaicee bright you mean catch-a-freeman?😂😂😂

[@Yvaelle]

I hadn't considered that but yea, go back to the 70's (not a terrible time anyways), make Star Wars before George Lucas, then fix the prequels. I think I've found the new "you gotta kill young Hitler" response :D

[@eightbait06]

Yeaaaaah no. Movies take a LOT of money to make.

[@eightbait06]

And that's not even considering all the marketing, staff, taxes, studio renting...

[@aragonaut]

If we assume the rules are that events can't actually change in the past for paradox control, (ie if you went back in time and took a shot at your grandfather, he'd happen to sneeze right at that moment and duck under the bullet and that sort of thing) the best you could do is bootstrap the idea of star wars to Lucas and then let him run with it

[@Pickled_Off]

I’m glYouv tennvg

[@Pickled_Off]

Oh EightBait was TMZ’sv

[@pointlessopinion611]

I hate you CRACKED! You took this from me.......You just wait till the Chief hears of this!!!!!

[@joshhorley2116]

Let me tell you about the wonders of off hours. Basically, you wanna google small beans patreon, give them a dollar a month and watch as your life satisfaction increases

[@MassimoMD]

“It’s the dyed hair?” “Yeah you can’t time travel with dyed hair?” Lol why is that so funny 😂

[@evacristelo9273]

go back to when I was three and become a child prodigy.

[@willmueller4984]

eva themuggle I don't think that's how I works...

[@willmueller4984]

Also leap and smith

[@willmueller4984]

Will

[@Lauren.E.O]

eva themuggle too much pressure

[@evacristelo9273]

make my parents proud that's what

[@jerden3285]

The thing about time travel is that being average (in the UK or US) today is better than being rich at pretty much any other point in history. Being a male peasant wasn't particularly different to being a female peasant, except for dying in war rather than childbirth. If I had a time machine, I'd just assume this trend continues and go to the future!

[@LadyDoomsinger]

Welcome to the future. Live up to your expectations? 🤣

[@brianb1980]

The cellphone: Lightning channeled through rocks and metal...

[@RyanLynch1]

Isn’t this basically the movie “Yesterday”

[@Cottagegay]

Remember when the comments would be filled with people talking about the episode and what they would do for this supposed theory, debating and agreeing on whatever our four not-so-good at real life experts in all things fiction would be talking about? Me neither.

[@mollypocrass4562]

Pepperidge Farms remembers

[@Arthur-zc6ph]

Kobi Reichard I would personally go into the future and sell all my belongings to a antiques store

[@Cottagegay]

Oooooh that's a good one!

[@PanicbyExample]

i've been wanting to ax down trees... i would do that then try to go into the park service and spread the word bout chlorofluorocarbons and whatnot

[@Cottagegay]

Cool. Reported for hateful language. Gbye.

[@alexiswelsh5821]

I'd dye my hair red, go back to the 50s or 60s and convince my Grandma that I was her long lost twin.

[@alexiswelsh5821]

And become a fortune teller.

[@the120cxx]

Heh, funny.

[@dumpeeplarfunny]

"Cold fusion". lol. That's like trying to make cold fire. Even if the ingredients are cold, they won't stay cold for long.

[@captainfunktastic2255]

Fire is an exothermic chemical reaction. The heat comes from it consuming matter to propagate itself. Much like biology, the burning calories. Fusion doesn't work like that.

[@Logan_Baron]

I just realized that I see new gimmick inventions and think "Hey I thought of that and someone beat me to it" or I hear about a story or movie idea and realize that I had come up with the same idea......... I believe that I was a famous inventor and writer in the original timeline until some people went back in time from the future and did my ideas before I would have.

[@aakeon9149]

I'd go back to early 2000s and invest thousands into bitcoin and become a billionaire easy peasy.

[@AnthonySforza]

Yea, I was going to buy $100 of it but for one reason or another, never got around to it. I just did the math about a month ago and that $100 of Bitcoin would be worth almost $5,000,000 today. I almost facepalmed myself through the wall behind me.

[@ajricherson1099]

Anthony Sforza feels bad man

[@AnthonySforza]

Right??? Especially today now that it's something like $4200... that "Almost $5M" just shot up way higher.

[@megadeathx]

But if you bought "thousands" of dollars worth of bitcoin when it was worth pennies per coin then there would have been far fewer coins in circulation and it'd never have taken off to become successful. Your "thousands" would have appreciated to maybe "multiple thousands" instead of theoretical millions.

[@TickedOffPriest]

If you go back in time to create a great work before it was written, the original work would cease to exist and you would create a paradox.

[@Rotten_Ralph]

TickedOff Priest the bootstrap paradox?

[@Rotten_Ralph]

www.astronomytrek.com/the-bootstrap-paradox-explained/

[@PedanticTwit]

Then you would merely be "discovering" that you were the creator of that work in the first place, and that your attribution of its creation was mistaken.

[@alcalderon8469]

TickedOff Priest Well technically the original would exist. You would just be the author instead of the original person

[@willmueller4984]

TickedOff Priest the original stuff would still happen because we already know how it turned out you can't change the past you going back it time would give some one the idea to make something creating the original thing or you would die instantly or go unnoticed because that person your trying to steal ideas from either never existed and you just pretend to be them thereby creating everything they made because you are them or they can create stuff because we know they made the things and not you so they beat you to the punch and made whatever it is you where trying to steal

[@AnthonySforza]

That episode when Katie clearly knows sweet fuck all about history.

[@michaeliv284]

Yeah, it's mostly the likes of Christianity that set the likes of women's rights back. I mean, the Greeks were ok with gay people

[@TheLithp]

Michael Iv Oh, the irony. That's a popular misconception. The Greeks approved of pederasty. Same sex relationships between adults were frowned upon. And it had nothing to do with their views on women, who were excluded from politics, education, property or custody rights, & overall thought of as inferior. To be fair, there may have been exceptions for certain city states, but these appeared to be general rules. Herodotus, for example, wrote about how barbaric it was for the Persians to have a female general.

[@michaeliv284]

And what about Heracles? He had many male partners

[@nicholasseibold5731]

Wait, he did? Who? Also, good job on using his Greek name instead of his Roman. Not too many people know about that.

[@michaeliv284]

To name a few, Hylas, Philoctetes, Diomus, Perithoas, and Phrix

[@piratatazmania]

For all we know, maybe Shakespeare is a time traveler that went back and stole the credit from the real author of those stories.

[@newsystembad]

"time travel is exclusively a white guy fantasy" You guys know that there were places OTHER than historical Europe, right? India, China, Japan, Tenochtitlan, Jerusalem, Mongolia, Istanbul, Egypt, the Iroquois Confederation, and all the rest of the world had plenty of history and development before Europeans showed up.

[@DuwiMayne]

Your supremacy is showing in that last sentence TD. But if you take into account the rest of the world, prior to the imperial age, the vast majority of the world had no interaction with White folks. There's a good chance that if Katie visits any of the countries that you listed, prior to imperialism, she would die because she's White. Just like as a Black guy, if I time traveled, I could only safely travel to pre-imperial age Africa, the Roman Empire, and then anywhere else if it was post-1960's. Maybe even the Vikings age, since they only killed for resources.

[@DuwiMayne]

Also, people forget the one glaring issue with time travelling to anywhere at any time, LANGUAGE. So if you only know modern English, you can only really go back as far as like the mid-1400's, and stay in Europe. Prior to that time, the English you would speak would be barely recognizable to the average person.

[@sophiaruizuvalle2523]

Rohan D yeah, but show up at the wrong time and your ass is getting colonized or enslaved, not racist, just that yeah, you would have to travel to the time prior to europeans trying to take over the world just because

[@garrusn7702]

ISTANBUL IS IN EUROOOOOOOOOPPPEEE! Seriously! It's a European city!

[@JustinMcBride21x]

"Yeah, these people only want to stick to their racist sexist white men narrative" "there is much much more to history than Europe and its conquests, even though it is superior." Yeah...what a totally false narrative that you just reinforced.

[@williambrennan104]

One thought I had (and this would work for Katie, too): prehistory. The idea that if you stick certain parts of plants in the ground then you get more of them is hardly difficult even for Cracked writers to get across. And many of those societies were probably matriarchal.

[@andrewbingham3304]

You'd be unable to speak with them and you'd get murdered by a prehistoric Chad.

[@part-timepartytime9621]

You don't need to speak, you show them with gestures. Also you bring a sword or some other sort of weapon that will far outshine their weapon tech. But all this is dumb anyway, who'd want to live in a time without air conditioning or clean water. I'd just go back to the early 2000's and start pitching all the popular game franchises to people, eventually someone would take me up on my offer and help me create LoL or WoW. Filthy rich without the ever present threat of disease or lawless society.

[@whatthefuckismyname9173]

Part-Time Party Time The problem with modern stuff is, the actual inventors of those games and movies and novels and stuff are out there, with years worth of notes to prove they wrote the stories and developed the games you shamelessly stole, and they'll sue you into oblivion for it.

[@chrishansen8119]

@@whatthefuckismyname9173 But how exactly could they prove you stole it? It'd be more than ludicrous to assume that I stole someone's work when I've never even been in the same state as them

[@KeithElliott-zd8cx]

the problem is, they likely wouldn't care too much. their whole way of life was hunter gatherer BS, it's not like you'd for sure change their minds on how their entire society worked.

[@zakklogston5322]

Thank God these guys are still going on their new channel small beans

[@erinblais7437]

Watching this makes me sad now.

[@obi-wankenobi8406]

Wait don't you like need electricity and like a another phone and like signal and well we can't do it

[@BenjerminGaye]

Magic is just unexplained science.

[@willmueller4984]

BenjerminGaye or Is science unexplained magic

[@Sublimelife909]

Since no one else is saying it. We miss you guys and wish you didn't leave and were still making content! Since that is not the case I hope this finds you doing great some where else!

[@dorkmax7073]

I feel Michael. Theatre kid for life.

[@nanomachinesson2513]

Id go back in time and invent the steam engine during the Roman Empire. Boom, industrial revolution kickstared centuries earlier in a (mostly) unified Europe

[@elygos865]

Nanomachines Son! Holy shit you right

[@ptonpc]

The principles existed at the time but no one could think of a good use for it. Slaves did the the heavy lifting and the economy was to a large extent based on that.

[@timheffernan4519]

Love your idea. I've posed the question myself on what I would do if I ended up in Roman times. Salt was difficult to get and was worth its weight in gold. Apparently, people didn't know you could boil sea water to obtain salt. I would use this to become a salt merchant. If on the other hand, I could take an object with me, then it would be the humble potato. With this, I could revolutionise their food industry and introduce the concept of potato batteries.

[@CharacterString]

Romans did invent a steam engine around the first century. They also had windmills and watermills but weren't widely used outside of milling. Trip hammer wasn't even used outside of China until the 12th century. Really dealing with a problem of mass psychology than engineering. But still, might want to bone up on the volumetric expansion of steam and the maximum practical height of a water column -- they were bit of stumbling blocks during the Industrial Revolution.

[@Mary42877]

avoiding the dark ages sounds great, imagine - going to the moon in 1269 or something. the first smartphone in 1308.

[@Beriorn]

I'd learn Bosnian, travel to the Sarajevo of June 28th 1914, find myself a very sad looking Gavrilo Princip and treat him to lunch, far away from Archduke Ferdinand's route. Bam, no World War 1 or World War 2. Millions of people do not die, Germany doesn't go to shit, National Socialism doesn't happen, the Balkan doesn't get screwed over just yet, no Cold War and all the proxy wars that stem from it and the world is a better place. All because I treated a guy to lunch.

[@KMessi6]

Beriorn ww1 had huge class movements stem from it and is very much the reason why democracy is so widely accepted today

[@themysteriouscrumpet]

Ironically Princip had just come out of a shop after purchasing a sandwich when he saw the Archduke and Archduchess's car go by and seized his chance.

[@devalphamon7289]

Beriorn no radios or tanks, the two world wars advanced people along in many ways.

[@anthonymedina9425]

But then 'Murica doesn't shine, and democracy isn't accepted as it is now

[@neeneko]

WWI/WWII also happened in a bit of a sweet spot in terms of weapon development, where things had leapt frogged enough to leave a permanent social scar and change attitudes about great nations going to war, but not so powerful as to actually collapse civilization. Given all the factors that went into the conflict happening, it probably would have simply happened later and with worse consequences.

[@potatoheadpokemario1931]

for most people the best time to become rich and famous via time travel is like 10 years ago inventing a successful thing before somebody else even thought of it

[@Crystal14351]

As a black woman, I'd probably go back to the early/mid 1800s in South Africa or something. Tell them about the shit load of diamonds and precious jewels they're sitting above, start a mining company with money I own today (yay inflation!), hopefully spread my business, become hella rich AND help ensure other African countries do the same before Europeans get any ideas. I get rich and make the world a better place. Woo-hoo!

[@chrisbroussard8335]

Crystal Well since Africa was just tribe's back then you could probably unify all of Africa. That Country Continent would be a super power today.

[@levongevorgyan6789]

Careful Shaka Zulu doesn't ruin that plan.

[@michaeliv284]

Go back further. Bring back a whole load of modern day science and education to speed up African tribes, give them weapons when they are smart enough not to shoot themselves and when the pasty white asses of my ancestors come looking for slaves, they can all get said pasty white asses handed to them. Heck, best thing to do is go on a campaign to unite all of Africa, maybe even set yourself up as a goddess just to win their favour

[@matthewlaurence3121]

Highly unlikely, given the African Continent is one of the most diverse places on Earth, with 2/3rd of all the world's languages spoken in Subsaharan Africa. In fact, this very idea would be deemed extraordinarily offensive, ridiculous and racist to modern Africans, in that you drastically oversimplify African heritage. There were periods when their were Sophisticated kingdoms and empires round the Horn and up the Ivory Coast, with Nubians and Ethiopian culture spanning most of the way to South Africa at varies times. These were literate and, again, varied enormously in development. Once more, the Africans have always been hostile to one another, for the simple reason that they are not "the Africans" that non-Africans categorise them as. It is always worth noting that slavery has been an institution practiced in regions of Africa long before Europeans learnt how to write or even populated parts of Europe. Such provincialism!

[@matthewlaurence3121]

The Afrikaners or Boers (white South-Africans) first settled in South Africa in the early 1700s, and even then the coasts had been charted for over 200 years, with some limited expeditions inland. The Europeans that settled there were fleeing religious prosecution or seeking a far away land to start again, initially settled there because it was fairly quiet and spacious. The British came later in the 1800s for profit. The diamond trade was later still and if Europeans had desired such things they would have traded on a limited level for a while before every European power would descend on the place.

[@brianseiler9750]

We know where Roanoke Colony went, at least in broad terms. There were actually three attempts to get that place properly staffed and supplied, all sponsored by Sir Walter Raleigh. The history, in brief, goes like this: 1584 - Raleigh dispatches his first wad of dudes, who decide to settle Roanoke Island. They then piss off the local native population a whole lot. Sir Francis Drake happens by during one of his voyages, finds them in terrible shape, and loads everybody up on his ship, leaving the colony basically deserted. 1585 - While the original colonists that remained were en route back to England (so before he could hear what the shit), Raleigh sends a second wad of dudes over. They show up to a deserted colony, have no clue that the prior venture pissed off the locals but good, and they're never heard from again. This is not surprising. They were all dead. Because of course they were. 1587 - Raleigh sends a third wad of dudes to go settle the damn island, because his deal with the Queen only gave him ten years to get the place settled if he wanted half of the money they produced. This one is headed by one of the dudes from the original mission named John White and is much better provisioned. They also brought women and children, because this is supposed to be a permanent establishment, dammit. They still had a terrible time dealing with the natives and lived in complete terror, being at a severe personnel disadvantage, so White got together a skeleton crew and decided to sail back to England to ask Raleigh for more dudes with guns and whatnot. Important note - he gave the colony instructions before he left about what to do if they had to leave - carve the name of wherever they were relocating the colony to onto a specific tree with a sign to indicate whether they had left under immediate duress or not. Unfortunately, England was at war with Spain by now, so acquiring a boat full of burly dudes and food and whatnot to sail all the way back to buttfuck, New World proved to be something of a challenge. So... 1590 - At long last, White got a ship to take him back over there, where they found literally nothing on Roanoke except a word carved into the designated tree: "Croatoan." Contrary to what popular culture would have you believe, this was not mystical gibberish - it was the name of another island (now called Hatteras Island). The mark indicating that they were being chased off by angry natives wasn't made, so they knew that it had been an orderly departure, and Croatoan would have been the logical place to go, since the Croatan natives were one of the few tribes that these idiots hadn't cocked up relations with. Unfortunately, as soon as he got to Roanoke a storm whipped up and beat the hell out of the ship he came on, making further coastal travel impossible, and the guy in charge didn't really want to bother anyway, since floating around and raiding Spanish ships was worth some money and taking this idiot to go visit his daughter on West Buttfuck, New World paid zero money. Back to England. So no, "the English" did pretty much know where the colony had gone. It had gone to Croatoan. The further history went... 1607 - Jamestown finally happens, which is a settlement that DIDN'T go out of its way to chop off the heads of tribal chieftains. They still had a hell of a shitty time of it initially, however, and could not afford to send anybody to Croatoan to find out what the hell. They probably wouldn't have learned a whole lot if they had. According to the Powhatan and other native accounts, the Croatoan colony didn't do much better than the Roanoke one, so the colonists split into two groups to go hang out with the natives who were actually able to grow food and defend themselves and shit. One went north to the Chesapeake, who were friendly. Unfortunately, shortly before Jamestown the Powhatan (you know, the people who made Pocahontas) had killed all of them to a man, because Native Americans can be assholes too and these guys just LOVED genocide. So those ones were all dead. The other group assimilated into the Carolina tribes to the West, wherein were found a few people who could talk English and/or were super white, indicating a successful integration. So, yeah - suggesting that "the English" couldn't keep track of a colony isn't quite correct. English people had at least a vague idea and, in many cases, specific knowledge of the history and whereabouts of the colony, with the notable exception of those lucky fellas on the second expedition that got massacred to death (and even then people knew where they were and what had happened - those guys just didn't know how bad the situation was going to be when they got there). Other notes: We know for a fact that Shakespeare did steal elements of his plays. Not the specific words, but, I mean, the plot of Romeo and Juliet was cribbed entirely from a poem called The Tragickal History of Romeus and Juliet. He wasn't even subtle about that one. The question of theft there is how much you think the tweaks he made and his specific choice of words added to or detracted from the subjects that he decided to cover. Also, being Shakespeare wouldn't be that great at the time. He was a moderately successful actor and playwright, but people weren't sucking the words out of his ghost dick the way they do today. That didn't happen until hundreds of years after he died. Also, everything would smell like piss because these idiots were too dumb to realize that throwing your excretions in the street was a bad idea. Katie wouldn't be a witch in Rome - she would just have had her ideas stolen and had to live in a time where the closest thing to television was watching men kill each other to death.

[@megadeathx]

WTF dude!? There's nothing "brief" about this wall of text!

[@MySerpentine]

The whole concept of Romeo and Juliet sounds a bit like Tristan and Isolde in any case. And that probably came from yet another story. Ideas are old.

[@JamesCPotter13]

Also the closest thing to television was basically Professional Wrestling. Storylines, random betrayal. All of the gladiators were performers basically doing fight exhibitions. Every once in a while you’d have a criminal sent in for entertainment but even then if they did a good enough job they were hired.

[@yousexythang208]

This episode assumes that you'd want to go back in time to get rich and famous in the first place. Just the ease that comes with the internet age makes it preferable (at least for most) to be middle class in 2016 than a millionaire in even the 1980's (unless your idea of a perfect existence consists exclusively of fancy vehicles and recreational drugs), nd any time before the flushing toilet is completely out of the question. Let's face it, despite what our consumer-driven culture might tell us, we all really do live like kings.

[@DarkbutNotsinister]

I was meant to be an Oracle. If you want to hang out, bring gifts- and food. There will be drugs, but not for the guests (Oracles would inhale toxic fumes for “visions”). We’ll have chats & laugh & eat & then I get to go back into my temple & take a nap.

[@JessKalinow]

one big thing to point out as well is that if you decide to go to any time other than the past few decades in your own country, you would have to become fluent in another language, and not the contemporary form. Even if you went a hundred or few hundred years into the past in America, you would have to become fluent in the English of that time before even considering to go

[@SukiUsagiHime]

Feudal Japan. Female samurai were many and successful. I get to enjoy vegetarian fare, property rights, and a nice military pension.

[@michaeliv284]

There is a problem with training in likes of using weapons, people who'd want you dead depending what you do and expecting you to gut yourself if you are dishonourable.

[@SukiUsagiHime]

Michael Iv that's fine because the us military doesn't take kindly to deserters either. I'm just doing my job as a bodyguard slash soldier.

[@michaeliv284]

You currently in the Military?

[@pallydan893]

So long as you can pass as Japanese, Feudal Japan was highly isolationist and xenophobic.

[@jessicamshannon]

Dear god. There was one group of 200 samurai women. ONCE. And other, more "legit" samurai completely disavowed them. I'd hardly call them "many" or "successful".

[@williamcolt1073]

she could go back to the 80's and invest in google or Microsoft.

[@johnathanclark79]

William Colt google didn't exist till the late 90s.

[@skadrumsandwich7415]

Too much fame and pressure and responsibility....travel back 24 hours and win the Power Ball. Unadventurous? Perhaps...but easy and safe. Instant multi-millionaire.

[@Unqualifiedtake]

Google's IPO was in 2004, $85 per share

[@kevinbacon5492]

William Colt Or apple.

[@lvht1948]

So... the plot to Back to the Future II, pretty much? Are we saying that Biff was the smartest time traveler of them all?

[@balexzander922]

This show was so good. Lightning in a bottle.

[@carlisacar9328]

I would win by default without being skilled at anything... 1. Go to convenience store with one dollar. 2. Look at winning lottery number for that day. 3. Go back one day and play numbers with dollar. 4. Go back to present. 5. Pay taxes. 6. Count money. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

[@MrsMaggots]

*seriously attempts to think up a time where a mixed race trans like urs truly would be okay and successful* ....Man I wouldnt even be okay TODAY.

[@0whatman]

depends, if you are part japanese (or maybe chinese, I forgot wich it was; should really look up wich, but eitherway that culture didnt survive much to current times there aside from texts) and not part black or anything dark skinned, you can go to before the imperial times, if you know the language amd the actual term they had for what they considered a third gender (wich yes, they did have, there are historical texts bout it) and say you are that, you'll be relativebly well as long as you can actually do a living and pass off as definetly not an outsider there may have been a few native american tribes that would accept you, but frankly I dont know or you could just go to greece since they were a multicultural and multiracial empire that had bisexual gods, believed everyone was bisexual, has actual records of trans people and lots of the famos figures from it are gey, and their god of the ocean literally married a mortal trans woman who he believed to be a man and when he asked what her wished was she said it was to have the body of a woman and he gave it to her there are a lot more examples of trans people in history (and even more of gay and bi) that you can look up, they are just obacure and many would like to cover em up

[@Cosmeticcritique13]

Ancient Greece maybe?

[@brendanmccabe8373]

Alex Sanchez 1945 go back shoot hitler and now they got to say the mixed race trans guy killed the worst person ever now you have to be treated with some respect

[@Bluesonofman]

@@brendanmccabe8373 Go back to 1914 while your at it.

[@brendanmccabe8373]

Blue Son of Man there’s no one to kill that will stop the First World War Europe was a puddle of gasoline if you stop one spark it doesn’t matter

[@teenwolf2013]

Never clicked a video so fast

[@alexandersuchoterin9396]

Lol they did not burn witches in roman empire

[@jeanleon1637]

They didn't burn witches ever.

[@BarginsGalore]

Jean Leon they just burned regular women

[@trappx2]

@@BarginsGalore they burned men as witches more than women

[@alfredfreedomjones5105]

They burned Christians

[@AnarchyWillows]

Ikr

[@rajrigby8385]

This line hits different after 2020: "We end up sharing the same diseased gutter, mixing up our noses in no time"

[@YTAG33]

When the topic started I thought this would be a clever commentary on how a modern average person doesn't actually have the specialized knowledge needed to transform an ancient society. Instead they derailed their own topic to start complaining about the enlightened modern time traveler would simply be discriminated against.

[@Jebu911]

I found that more fascinating than the other topic. It was still interesting brain teaser to think about.

[@Argos-xb8ek]

@Iafiv Iv Hypatia?

[@thescrapsmith446]

She should live with vikings they were ok with everything

[@Norsedragoon]

diamond dalek exactly it was the desert trilogy that put women as second class people. Any prechristian region would be fine for her.

[@the_great_rasputin9022]

Or the Huns. They were also fairly gender-balanced in society.

[@ViolentFEAR]

Lol. The average - not enslaved- Greek woman lived basically the life of today's Pashtun Islamic fundamentalist ideal.

[@emjenkins464]

They thought maths was magic, but that magic was the gift of women so women ran the household and operated trade businesses.

[@user-bl3fo7dz3o]

Not if you’re gay. Go live with the Ancient Greeks. They were all for that.

[@terreliv]

Either a few weeks back to buy a lottery ticket with whatever numbers I learn from the news or the future when they're trying to understand these times. Opposite problem of our past: too much to parse.

[@hello2sup]

I miss after hours :(

[@spidervenomkilljoy]

Me too :'(

[@godzillasaurbuttersworth3176]

Honestly, I wouldn't even try for rich and famous I'd just go back in time and chill w cool people

[@godzillasaurbuttersworth3176]

Oh hell yea, Shakespeare nerds

[@alexn.2901]

Godzillasaur Buttersworth Then transmit your diseases to them

[@drethethinker6418]

See this is the problem with Time travel because if you went back and wrote Shakespeare before Shakespeare, then Shakespeare would not write the play you already popularized, thus not giving you anything to copy from or remember, meaning you don't know Shakespeare, meaining you can't write Shakespeare, meaning Shakespeare can write his own crap, which gives you something to steal when you travel back. It's an infinite loop.

[@carpdog42]

Not really a problem, you didn't go back from the same future as the one your current timeline is heading towards so why should there be a causality requirement? This is only a problem if you explicitly want a closed loop, which means you need some kind of feedback that causes the loop to repeat in a stable manner.

[@brandonbeers7350]

new timeline, did you not watch back to the future it touched on this

[@tcot-wi8wf]

DreTheThinker we don't know that

[@whatthefuckismyname9173]

This is called the bootstrap paradox.

[@Rougarou99]

Or you become Shakespeare, and the plays you half-remember become copies of themselves. The Destiny Trap: You can’t change history if you are already apart of it.

[@Scandal262]

But if I go back in time and take credit for Shakespeare's work, the timeline will shift into a timeline where I would never have a reason to go back in time and take credit for Shakespeare's work. Its a paradox.

[@0GallifreyGirl0]

Women in the 1920's and 1930's needed their father/husband's permission to even open a bank account. I doubt she could buy stocks.

[@thomashoward444]

All you need to go is go to 1927, invent penicillin, and just roll in that sweet sweet β-lactam money

[@themysteriousretrogamer9655]

Yay, an after hours episode on my birthday

[@willmueller4984]

The Mysterious Retro Gamer its my little sister's birthday but she doesn't watch after hours

[@MrGino1]

I would go back far enough to meet George Lucas Before he got into college. So i could be his "conscious" on Star Wars & get a piece of that action... Ya know what i mean..?

[@levongevorgyan6789]

I'd take as many Expanded Universe books with me as possible to convince him to make movies based off of those instead of the Prequels.

[@davesargent7304]

Lucas wouldn't give you a dime.

[@megadeathx]

@@levongevorgyan6789 Do you realize that the extended universe books are just fanfics made canon by George? The prequels ARE part of that extended universe with minor extra details for movie adaptation. Darth Vader getting his limbs burned off by lava when Obiwan leaves him to die? Yeah, that was established by the books before Phantom Menace was scripted. What you oughta do is convince him to make better casting choices *cough Anakin cough* and to take Jar-Jar more seriously. He can't be the goofy comic relief character if he's supposed to be the Sith Lord he was originally intended to be, and nobody is going to like him if he imitates a racial stereotype and blunders ass first into success.

[@levongevorgyan6789]

@@megadeathx I would rather the EU be adapted. You can prefer your own damn thing.

[@ackbarfan5556]

@@levongevorgyan6789 Yeah, I'd go back to after Return of the Jedi and try to get Lucas to do Heir to the Empire in the late 80s, early 90s. Lot of issues of course, I know.

[@PosthumanHeresy]

5:53 Visit Cleopatra. Who's more likely to work with you than a woman genius like her? There's also Catherine the Great or of course Queens Victoria or the Elizabeths of England.

[@michaeliv284]

Ooh! You can tell Cleopatra any and all of Rome's dirty little secrets and then get her to take over the empire. You can be set for life. Just don't try to get freaky with Cleo. Her father is her mother's brother and cousin.

[@obi-wankenobi8406]

I wold just buy Apple shares

[@katieell4084]

That's what Lieutenant Dan did in Forest Gump, except he didn't time travel.

[@joelmacdonald8332]

there was a time Cracked owned the internet

[@maxwhitworth9178]

Now YOU are the reruns we watch endlessly.

[@timedebtor]

"... Is time travel an upper body thing?" This might be one of the funniest statements ever made on the internet