Alcohol+Covert Narcissist=Antisocial Grandiose Narcissist

Alcohol’s effects include:
1. Reduces empathy
2. Disinhibition: act on pre-existing wishes
3. Beer goggles (affects the perception of symmetry)
4. Disguise hesitancy
5. Alloplastic defense (drink's fault)
6. Long-term memory
7. Stereotypical grandiosity (alcohol myopia)
Alcoholism serves several psychological purposes effectively.
This is why alcoholism is so intractable (difficult to get rid of or treat) and why recidivism is as high as 60% within the first year after rehab.
1. Palliative
Helps the alcoholic to cope with dissonance, frustration, anxiety, anger, stress, sadness, panic, and other negative emotions or mood disorders
2. Restorative
Helps the alcoholic to restore his or her self-confidence and self-esteem, also as a man or a woman (especially when coupled with a body image issue)
3. Disinhibitory
By lowering inhibitions, alcohol legitimizes narcissistic traits and behaviors like: lack of empathy, extreme selfishness, a sense of entitlement.
Allows the alcoholic to express his or her repressed promiscuity and aggression: traits that s/he find ego-dystonic (traits that s/he dislikes or find denigrating or unacceptable)
Alcohol renders the alcoholic much more sociable, grandiose, and sociopathic: s/he becomes volubly defiant, hates authority figures, feels in control or in charge of others and of the situation, capable of anything s/he sets his/her mind to, irresistibly attractive, charming, or charismatic, and unfettered by rules or social mores: "I can do whatever the hell I want to, no one will tell me what to do"
As a result of these cognitive and emotional changes, the drunk person engages in reckless behaviors like unprotected sex with a stranger, or compulsive shopping or gambling.
4. Instrumental
Allows the alcoholic to accomplish goals (become goal-oriented) that s/he would never even try when sober.
Buy most of my books in Amazon www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...

[@anonymouse2750]

“There is nothing more frightening, nothing more intimidating, nothing more repulsive than a drunk covert narcissist.” I get chills hearing that. I’ve known more than one of them and it’s so true. But hearing Sam Vaknin say that? It makes it all the more real. And scary.

[@misscat6375]

Yes I had the same reaction...chills

[@janeihara6137]

I’m divorcing one after 12 years of marriage and it is very scary!! It took me years to wake up. Sam is spot on🙌

[@emilyrose6153]

A hungover one is pretty scary too...

[@Peterpumpkineater-ry8on]

Ugh I have an alcoholic nfather that drove my mother away and left my sisters and I to be raised by him. What a trip

[@Peterpumpkineater-ry8on]

One stars. would not recommend lol

[@luckystar2852]

My daily horror in 16 years of relationship. You never knew which person came home after work. Drunk and unpredictable or sober and just in a bad mood. I never received an apology.

[@AlexisGonzalez850fla]

Are you free? I'm looking to be free soon one day and wonder if next time I can just stay gone away never to see from again by the narcissist. So I was just seeing if you successfully found your freedom? If what way worked for you?

[@carolinospelt2932]

Perfect explanation of the transformation from a lizard into a leviathan when they are under substance abuse.

[@pialindeg]

From a lizard into a leviathan. I know such a person. The daily lizard is enough - always sneaking around in some way and with alcohol they get mean or dangerous.

[@rjlacroix3334]

"Alcohol changes empathy towards love ones and at the same time enhances empathy towards strangers" . Spot on dear Sir . Nine difficult years with my covert narcissist former wife who is an alcoholic . thank you for your brilliant analysis .

[@kitsune7351]

Is that why my ex always played the hero to people on the outside but shit on the kids and I. Every horrible vacation and holiday explained even more SMH.

[@rjlacroix3334]

@@kitsune7351 Yes , I believe so .My experience is that it magnifies the already very difficult behavior exhibited by our mates we have cared so very much for .

[@davidrife1999]

@@kitsune7351 if you are asking if alcohol is the reason; I’d say “no” ; you and the kids receiving exactly the opposite treatment and consideration you deserve is tied up in the standard considerations that cause all abusers to behave this way.. like ‘ you are his property’ ‘ you are most vulnerable and dependent upon him ‘ and your complex history complicates and dilutes the payoff positive attention provides ; which isn’t a factor with shallow transactions or casual acquaintances

[@kitsune7351]

@@davidrife1999 I agree. Drunk or sober the rage and devaluation never stopped.

[@terrysteward]

When my wife was dumped by her a fair partner, she had obsessive friendship with a gay male drag queen, and I’m sure she was sexually attracted to him as well. He’s a peacock and over and she absolutely dotes on him. and encourages him, she used to be a prude and would switch television over if anything sexual came on. She even once pronounced herself frigid, but she encourages him to his stories of conquest. She’s become so shallow we were going to have a really good life, playing music together travelling visiting places near Orr interesting dues getting drunk with her various all pockets of friendships. She got reflected glory from his popularity and semi fame as a drag artist, but now she has a little team of people that follow her about, and she’s getting supply from them.

[@victoriak.2707]

The alcohol brings out what’s really in there. They let themselves go but they know exactly what they are doing.

[@jenn3363]

My ex got drunk one night and literally snarled at me. Bared teeth and grunting. He tackled me to the floor then squatted over me like smeagol from lord of the rings still snarling. It was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen in my life and the image still haunts me today.

[@user-bp8me5hk9f]

Wtf

[@_madame_sene]

Mine went animalistic like that several times.

[@kasperhills1551]

Whaaaaaaaattt the fuck... 🤔🤔🤔

[@UrbanAlchemystic]

They don't call liquor spirits for nothing they open themselves up for entity attachment because they have so many holes in their Aura and they vibrate so low. When they get drunk they become an empty vessel that is why your experiencing that.

[@katogata1098]

Yes saw same thing a demon inside coming out . His voice the snarl and this evil demonic eyes

[@KenHockeye-sy4nb]

Have watched and listened to this video three times. No where else on the internet will you learn about what alcohol does to a covert narcissist! Amazing to be able to access these free lectures

[@erikaa3181]

Thank you for your videos! It all makes sense. The alcoholic narcissist ruined every vacation.

[@ambersmith3073]

Every vacation, bday,holiday even death

[@AJ-jf2ui]

@@ambersmith3073 birthdays too.

[@paulnasty826]

It happened too me on every holiday we had her fear of flying so she got drunk and with in 30 minutes she was full attack!! If she had a knife she would of stabbed me!! Know joking

[@buttercup1765]

So true

[@amyherzlich5247]

Every vacation ruined!😢

[@Langolin1998]

Yes yes yes! Lived it for three years! I always told my ex drunk narc that he completely changed after one drink. It was like an entirely different person when drinking…his true, disgusting self emerged and if that was the only person I ever saw, from the beginning, I would never have gotten together with him in the first place. Alcohol brings out every single bad behavior and characteristic of the narcissist. They are huge addicts in many areas…alcohol/substance abuse, sex, porn…they’re just full of disgusting issues! So glad I’m done with that!

[@robinfoster2696]

Alcoholics DO change after 1 drink. I kniw because I am one, now. Luckily I drink by myself and sleep through trauma and seriously sick sadistic abuse I apparently relive.

[@quisop4388]

​@@robinfoster2696What do you mean?

[@David-ej1ps]

This is why verse like "Alcohol is for people who are dying, for those who are in misery. 7 Let them drink and forget their poverty and unhappiness." - Proverbs 31:6

[@mreloo]

@@majakolonja4266 dont u agree that those who go off the rails when drinking...usually have some serious underlying issue...most can control themselves for the most part..even though most have had some issues especially when young...but in my experience with my covert narcissist wife...she was 2-3 different people in one...and drinking really splits them...

[@David-ej1ps]

@@Johannastairwellstudio exactly, let us not forget that the first miracle jesus performed was to turn water into wine

[@David-ej1ps]

@@Luziemagick in fact the verse does not end with anyone getting drunk ....LOL moderation in life is key

[@David-ej1ps]

@@Luziemagick hehe imagine jesus rolling a joint.. lol

[@David-ej1ps]

@@Luziemagick I can agree with you on the plant, at least in spirit, but the booze and the drugs are man made stuff and usually harmful in and of themselves

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

My narc spouse is a binge drinker. While it may start as a social lubricant, he always continued it at home afterwards- often til he became incoherent and forgot things he said and did. He always drinks with the intention of getting drunk, and drinks way beyond that point. For someone who gets easily bored, he fails to recognize how boring he himself becomes with this behavior.

[@_madame_sene]

Same. If not talking about himself or picking a fight, he just ignore me, drink until he passed out and then pee in random places.

[@Langolin1998]

@@_madame_sene that brought back horrible memories…mine would pee outside off the front porch constantly, while drinking and would pass out peeing in the bathroom. At first, I’d be worried about him when I’d hear it….since he didn’t care to stop this behavior, I quit caring and would just sleep through it. It got so old and was beyond bored and disgusted of this behavior! They become repulsive

[@yvettev.warburton3585]

Ain't that the truth! Boring and BOORISH!

[@kaylaschroeder1]

Ohhhmygod so boring. 😑👎🏼

[@kaylaschroeder1]

@@_madame_sene hahaha 🤣... Peeing everywhere. Jeezus. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Yeah. And later denying it was even a possibility when standing up is a challenge. Puhlease.

[@RahaRo11]

This man is amazing.

[@Jenny11Christine86]

Yes he is! A relief to see such a settling way of understanding. No judgments, clear logical understanding in a way that is almost fascinating and sympathetic to NPD. People with BPD really need to discover his way of processing

[@mostthegames3723]

Agreed

[@midrilla1897]

Absolutely

[@karenashworth9831]

I agree.

[@truthtarot7074]

💯

[@froggybob2620]

This explains my narcissist's reply when asked to quit drinking.."WHY would I give up the ONLY thing that makes me happy" He is a nightmare when drinking. Especially hard liquor. You can see the switch and has a hair trigger to any sense of rejection or defiance.

[@nancyalywahby2784]

constantly drinking wine day and night doesn't help

[@gerger5670]

Mine said the same about pot

[@pattytrump]

@@gerger5670 Different worlds for me....I have never seen an aggressive stoner or a tolerable drunk.

[@harryhasselhoff9692]

@@gerger5670 mine smokes all day and night. I dont even notice an difference in her behaviour after she smokes because shes gained such a tolerance. I would love a covert narc and marijuana video from Sam.

[@lindahaynes3475]

Its what i do dont want to change...

[@alexmihalkin]

Sam's latest videos about covert narcissism are increasingly making me feel sad and hopeless. This must be because Sam's words are too accurate.

[@LiveFreeWarrior]

EDUCATION and INFORMATION can BE the hope! Otherwise, we would have been blind for years...or a lifetime

[@liasunshine7470]

​@@VickieWatson-md3uh What about when God says he hates divorce?

[@lorcashine]

I think the sad part is that there are so many people like this. It seems nearly impossible to meet relatively mentally healthy people anymore.

[@dontbeadogsbody3564]

The parasites have intentionally created as much trauma as possible, and that creates all of the narcissists and their victims and it just multiplies over generations, which explains everything about the world we are trying to survive in.

[@che53211]

@liasunshine7470 God wants us to live in freedom and truth. One needs to be careful with the interpretation of religious texts, I would say that many things written in the bible are not to be taken literally. Otherwise you could be putting yourself in danger, or just resigning to be miserable, which means you are failing to love yourself and hence you won't be able to love others fully. ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’... ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’ On a spiritual level you could hold compassion towards those who harmed you, while doing what is right which is to protect yourself by getting and staying away from them (no contact). But if you decide to have that spiritual compassion, you need to be able to hold strong emotional and psychological boundaries, otherwise you could just be fooling yourself unconsciously and again, failing to fulfill your duty to love and protect yourself.

[@ashleygarden6906]

(1:01:55) "It's transitioning from the grandiose to the pathetic and from the pathetic to the creepy!!!" 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 That is so funny. Love it 🥰🙏🍀

[@kaylaschroeder1]

Duuuude yeah. 😬☹️

[@MrSirdrew22]

My ex was a disaster when she got drunk. Always getting us kicked out of bars. And she was textbook covert narcissist. She also would make the craziest facial expressions when she was drunk. Like she was showing everything that what was going inside her demented mind on her face. It was bizarre. She would also hit on other men in front of me and then try and pawn it off as she was just talking.

[@santosperrosmutantes4625]

My ex is a covert narcist. He would use alcoholic/gosthing episodes as narcisistc outlets, since he is covert most of the time. He started when with very sporadicall episodes. Got worse when we first moved in together, got gradually worse until they came two ir three times a week. He would use them to punish me, for hanging out with My Friends ir coworkers, for having succes at work. He would also dessapear after an intense episode of intimacy (emotional ir sexual). Then he would come back an gasligth. I found out to late he would use those episodes cheating and who knows what. He would ho ahead and uncover the malignant narcist that lies within him. I have Lost so much in that relationship. It's like having a relationship with 3 people, each one worse, the shy covert, the grandiose that comes Home and gasligths and the malignant that cheats, and ocasionally insults me (i rarely see him, but have come to know him). I Lost My sanity, My health and My career in this relationship.

[@kristylichtenwald4908]

Sounds eerily similar to what I just went through. 💔

[@spirituallotus2628]

That was amazing !!! I learned more in that 1hour 9 min and 54 seconds than I have in the last two years trying to study this and analyze this behavior that has had me confused and bewildered while dealing with such a person for 17 years . Thank you so much for your time ,energy and expertise that you put into this . 🦋

[@sni-ri1yg]

I’ve known some people who were kind of snobby when sober, but became more kind when drunk. But with the grandiose the devil shows

[@noraxdem]

This is my first time commenting, but, I'd just like to say that I've been watching for a while quietly and would like to thank you for everything - these videos are truly extremely fascinating. I couldn't agree more on the second point on alcohol's effects as well and just want to mention it because it's something I've tried talking about with people for forever but people just don't seem to agree. I've had people throughout the years be extremely aggressive and I've been a witness to horrendous things, and when they tell me the excuse of "that wasn't me", "I didn't mean to do that" etc etc... I've always felt like that's such bs. I genuinely have always felt like alcohol doesn't create these kind of behaviours, just that it removes the wall that's stopping people from doing those things in a sober state of mind.

[@saphire9823]

Same

[@kaylaschroeder1]

Yeah, it's total bullshit. Trying to keep personal reactivity down (which is definitely hard because it really is bs) when they're called out and shirk the accountability like water on a duck's back... 🦆💦 ... 🤨😒🙄🤦🏻‍♀️ It's a tuffy. Congrats on your first comment, btw. 😊 'Tis a good one.

[@agniem9698]

It's called alloplastic defence- Sam talks about it in other videos. And it's not only about drinking alcohol and finding excuses. Ppl use excuses for having mental health diagnoses and neurodiversive disorders like ADHD, ASD when commiting crimes or just battering family/friends.

[@keithnewton9794]

I’m in AA and I have to agree with so much with what this man is saying

[@margiel2180]

Me too I became the narcissist overt I yelled and screamed I'm over a year sober over a year he was drinking behind my back my father did that to my mom she died from cirrhosis at 47 I left 8 months ago

[@mreloo]

This was my covert narcissist wife to a T she was so unbelievable when drinking...crazy...from a little mousey girl to a seductive temptress..I liked it...till she would go off the rails and get wierd with other men in front of me...then call me jealous...what a nightmare...it felt unsafe

[@lolapear4866]

I watched his drinking get heavier and he got nastier. I tried to be supportive but would need a drink myself to relax. His moods would flip in a matter of seconds. He's lost everything and I'm still heart broken. I wasn't ready for this much pain.

[@Leslie-fq7oz]

I’m at that same point after three years . I’m curious about how things are now since this comment was three years ago. What has become of him? How are you doing?

[@mariemiles7287]

Before I had counselling I was an alcoholic with borderline personality disorder. I was dangerous and I seriously hurt people. When sober I had extreme empathy for others, when drunk I could kill someone easily. Its scary. Luckily I got the help I needed to get myself sober and counselling to deal with the childhood trauma. Xx

[@bbmbezalb2697]

You need an exorcism

[@williamprobus7386]

Good for you.

[@TavoC20]

So, are you single or what?

[@areuarealman7269]

Counseling is such a joke .It helps you quit drinking though but not really just more drugs ...it's bs just more drugs I'm good no more drugs if I can get the f out of texas .

[@TheLeagueOfSteve]

Well done! It takes so much courage to do all of this. Serious respect. (Five years sober here! Life is so much better!)

[@lynnting76]

What an amazing revelation, you have described my husband perfectly, the chaotic behaviour and lunacy are surreal. There is no reasoning with an alcoholic narcissist, its bizarre but until I started researching this problem, I never understood what I was dealing with. So many years of madness, now getting the tools together to finally leave.

[@lynnekulick3262]

Same here - can't believe its been 20 years in and out of rehabs in 32 years of marriage, definitely denied cravings and manipulate all involved in his life....Dr Vaknin is spot on, paralyzed by hope, preparing to leave

[@lindahaynes3475]

Yeah same here ....

[@fenellajames4112]

Spot on. Now I understand what’s been taking place. My covert narc husband drinks quickly when we argue and invariably becomes psychopathic. I fled the home in January after 11 hours of his sadistic and completely out of control behaviour towards me. I have read that sertraline can also exacerbate the behaviour of some narcs. My husband is on sertraline. Thank you. This has been so helpful.

[@zandraleezee]

The last significant piece of my puzzle - alcohol & drugs - to finally make some sense out of my former relationship. You explained my ex perfectly & I needed that clarification. I am grateful! Thank you.

[@victorlazslo2757]

I agree! What a revelation👌👍

[@wendyhammond4445]

Need to watch this several times so much information. Sam is brilliant about this issue.

[@ursulatroxler7428]

I think we dated the same guy 🤣 my ex narcissist died on Dec 9,2019

[@Angela-ph1ik]

How do these narcs die

[@lisamccall3706]

I married this 5 years ago and am so grateful for this video (and all of your videos!). Very tragic for both my estranged husband and myself based on his past trauma but I’m saving myself now.......he’s on his own now and can enjoy his insane, destructive, chaotic, parasitic lifestyle. Very scary. To all significant others: #saveyourself

[@pippilottaviktualia9343]

My mother has NPD being a covert one and is an alcoholic. I am her scapegoat. Later in life I attracted a sociopath and a malignant covert narcissist, with extreme NPD and APD.

[@lindanicola]

I went through this with my ex partner of 10 years. Alcohol +Covert Narcissist overload. Everything you say brings back the "memories ". They are etched in my mind.

[@lolasaint7370]

Wow, from zero to hero !! Absolutely !a double identity ! Many Thanks !

[@kchild71]

Most of all of my friends are binge drinking functional alcoholics. They think they’re healthy.

[@hansmoleman675]

I would love to see alcohol banned worldwide for no less than a century...perhaps two. I feel that society without alcohol would feel like being in the year 15,000 today (whacky technological progress). Humanity would be immortal or near immortal too.

[@vasilijenicic6806]

@@spiritual2020 it wouldnt help. Alcoholics would still find ways to make alcohol (its very easy to make homemade alcohol) and rate of abuse of other substances would skyrocket. America tried it, it made things worse unfortunately

[@MB-zn9vg]

@@hansmoleman675 it’s extremely counterproductive. Look at many Mediterranean wine countries, Spain, Portugal, Italy, very low rates of alcoholism.

[@alanmcbride6658]

Wine loving France has one of the highest rates of alcoholism in the world. Just saying. Booze is the worst.

[@Kim-vs4vb]

My dad is like this, whenever he was faced with an uncomfortable or stressful situation, was anti social, needed a drink and then from a quiet silent kind man, turns 360 into the life or nightmare of the party, he would be very happy and now talking to everyone or would become super aggressive and cause a fight, growing up with him, we were always so terrified of his mood changes and him drinking and causing it..........now that i think back, i could possibly count on 1 hand the occasions he was sober and normal and not embarassing us infront of everyone. He coud never get along with anyone that he deemed richer or more educated than him......his friends were very simple men and drinking buddies....not your high flying men..........I often wondered why he never had other friends.......he would always say......`you want to live up to the Joneses` meaning we wanted a rich, high class lifestyle.....something as simple as asking him not to throw used cigarette butts on the front yard, dont leave a big mess, clean up, then he would say we wanted to live up to the Joneses..........we often cleaned up after him and helped him......it was a rollercoaster growing up with him,,,,i many times felt like a father to my own father......emotionally weak, intelligent, physically strong, but low self esteem, poor self confidence, lack of faith and belief in his own talents and abilities and he ian extremly talented man however the trauma he ensured from his narc mother for the 50plus years of his life, completly destroyed him into a nothing, of which she wanted for him.....its a tragic situation..he was never emotionally strong enough to cut her and his toxic family off and walk away....they literally took his life and soul...leaving him with regret and emptiness. He could be incredibly cruel and say things to hurt you and in an instant change and be super kind when he wanted something or would always act like a martyr, self sacrificing, he would be proud of working on an empty stomach and not eating whilst other men ate, that he would wear a thin shirt during winter, when other men are warmly dressed, working on public holidays such as Christmas, and when he knows visitors are coming to visit he would be front and center `working` so that people would say oh shame, you working so hard on a public holiday, you should take a rest, but he wouldnt work normally or consistently during normal work times, he would be wasted and sleeping at home, at a bar, with a friend, or on some of his stupid adventures, going to visit his narc mother, she contributed to 80% of his mental and personality problems. whilst all the men was sitting and talking he would stand up and talk and show off become a different person, he would capture their attention, he loved it.......thinking back to all of these times makes me understand him better.

[@WaAaAaAaW]

Exactly like my father. Look up asperger syndrome. I was diagnosed with it and I suspect my father to have it. But his own father was cruel and authoritarian and deeply insecure. If my father met a psychiatrist, i'm almost sure they would diagnose him with aspergers and narcissistic personality disorder

[@WaAaAaAaW]

There is a lot of overlap between aspergers, narcissism and bpd in the domain of relationships and emotional issues. They lack empathy and are rigid.

[@lynnekulick3262]

Very similar situation with my ex husband and his very narc dry drunk mother

[@lumbaa5171]

I find it really interesting that (religious or not is irrelevant) but the 'seven deadly sins' describe everything you just said. It's like the original description of covert narcissists. I've watched this video 3 times now, so much to unpack and make sense of. I'm grateful for this one, it enhanced my understanding so very much.

[@KeriV-wx4qh]

This is my father. Now that all of us (there's 6 of us including my mom) know who he truly is (after years and years of abuse), no one wants anything to do with him. Now he's living alone in a beach town, drinking at least a pint of hard liquor every night. While its very sad, its hard for me to have alot of sympathy for him. I used to pour his beer for him when he would drive me home from soccer practice as a youngster. I never thought he was an alcoholic until my therapist told me, then it all made sense!

[@Patri75t]

Alcohol/Addiction; from omega to alpha, a legend in their own mind

[@rutholdfield1356]

My ex used to drink. He stopped years ago and said he didn’t want his mask to slip 🤦🏻‍♀️ I never knew until the discard and educating myself what that meant 😕

[@NuthaMuthaLuva]

Someone I know fell victim to a narcissist with that belief, though he framed it as a benefit for muscle growth; didn't change my perception that he obviously felt superior for not drinking.

[@debbiestevens8263]

Ruth me and my daughter were just talking about how if I try to get my alcoholic partner to try to stop drinking it will just make it worse...how did yours stop?? And did it make him a better person??

[@rutholdfield1356]

@@debbiestevens8263 as the above comment stated, he became holier than now, made him act better than others. No when he was drunk he lost control and so that would cause rage events. Sober he was still npd so nothing changed. Alcohol just helped his mask slip so that’s why he stopped it. You cannot change or cure them. You have to leave and go no contact. It’s the only way to save yourself and start healing....focus on you not him 😊

[@countrygirl4213]

Same here.Stopped cold turkey..it never changed.In some ways it got worse.Sad but true.

[@rutholdfield1356]

@Kerrie Daly yep. Plan and leave. Block and don’t look back. It’s been a year since I left and I am the happiest I have ever been. You can’t look back just forward! It’ll be ok, you’ll be ok. In fact you’ll be darn great!!! If you could see where I am now, you’d be excited for your future. Best way to visualise hun is a child trapped inside a mans meat suit...nothing more. Good luck.

[@aaronrichey583]

She would give the fun side to strangers. I had a horrible night where she was pawing everyone she saw. The bartender. An old man on the way out. It was absolute hell. Then I'd get the depression. Then the rage directed at me. As a recovering alcoholic, I thought I could hang. Be responsible for her. Not with the hate and the need for so much attention through messenger, Snapchat, Instagram and etc. I'm a few weeks out from the last blow up. Doing No Contact. Trauma Bond in place. 🤦🏼‍♂️ I'm at war inside. Still trying to rationalize it or blame myself. I know it's toxic. It's been cycling for two years. I get discarded and then I go back with her love bombs. I want to be done with it. Thank you for this! Moving forward. 🤞

[@BlaqKitty-sv5mv]

This is my husband. It's a nightmare. It's scary.

[@hansmoleman675]

A family member of mine was this way. Cold turkey was the only way. And his wife handling ALL of the bills.

[@lisamccall3706]

Run kitty. I just did. We will heal ourselves. They likely will not. Indeed it’s a nightmare. One that can’t be described to those not living this hell. Good luck!

[@0Demiyah0]

Been there as well. It truly does look like demonic possession. You should leave, this is not a life. Take care of yourself, you're worth it.

[@AJ-jf2ui]

Leave him.

[@goblinwisdom]

Make an exit strategy if you haven't left. you owe him NOTHING, take control of your future. Get your paperwork ready and copies with safe ppl. Have a go bag for emergency. If you need to be secretive, get friends to rent a van and remove all your belongings to a storage facility. Take everything you want in one go. You are probably shutting down when he drinks and it takes days to return to ' normal ' . stop hiding in your normal routines and take a coffee today alone with your phone and plan. Give yourself a timescale 2 weeks - 6 months and get yourself in order. This behaviour continues in darkness, tell your trusted friends. When your safe, speak to someone that deals with abuse because, thats what you are dealing with. Believe the worst parts he shows you.

[@nicasaje]

This video may have just saved two people from certain doom and possibly death. Thank you.

[@z74d-oy2uj]

Thanks a lot for this video! It really checks 100%. One alco friend admitted to me - he can go through the day, efficient and rational, often almost like a psychopathic fascist stalinist, because he knows - in the end he will have his beer - it is like a gift he treasures, his precious thing that makes him go. Also one book I read by a self acknowledged heroin addict, artist and street musician - he can, and must and has no other choice, but to do all the business of music and art - to ge the dosage, the needle, the sweet puff.

[@angiesmith9293]

Don't let Minnie triangulate u, Sam!! U made me laugh so much!! Thank u!! The content of your videos since covid have been so mindblowing for me. This one made so much sense for me. I agree with you that alcoholism is not a disease, but, rather a choice!! And, wow, alcohol increases empathy toward STRANGERS. Definitely with my narcissist ex. Would come on to every woman, waitress, bartender etc. Wow, alcohol induces the illusion of symmetry, camouflage the delay, makes us look for appealing as a more sophisticated person. Alcohol as alloplastic defense, memory is affected, dissociative, depressant, increases grandiosity, encourages reckless behavior, your insight into blackouts and brownouts. Wow, Sam!! You've done it again. Bravo!! And THANK U VERY MUCH!!

[@belvederebaileycambodia]

Absolute fucking poetry in motion. That now deals with 95% of my "Friends"..... The addictive personality is a personalty in search of addictions.... AWESOME

[@edwong4178]

The narc I knew went on a bender almost every weekend, but never with me because my role was as his caretaker the next day. Some like this one drank neurotically with others on weekends, reasoning that they don’t have an alcohol problem because they don’t drink everyday, while others drink on their own more frequently in a palliative way. He ended up spraining his knee in an alcohol-fuelled haze one night and refused to seek medical treatment immediately. That was it for me.

[@Moonbeam992]

What would we do without Sam? He has the most in depth and incredible insight. So thankful to you for making these videos.

[@ginchajsable]

I lived 15 years with woomen like this. It 100% acurat. When she is drunk..nothing stops her. it is difrent person. All what he is describing happened to me.

[@JM-fm9tz]

My" family member " was drinking every night and I had no idea until he blew up at me one day . He blames his stresses at work. And me I'm the problem. This info really helped me.

[@Love_Meat_Tender]

My father is a covert narcissist who plays victim often and has a lot of envy and rage right under the surface. He always drank from what I remember growing up but it never seemed to be that bad. He would get drunk at neighborhood bbqs/parties but most of the adults were drunk, however he became the life of the party in his mind. But it was very awkward and inappropriate feeling to me as a bystander, especially as i got older. Since my Mother passed away, his drinking got worse and he became more depressed and more isolating. He has major memory gaps and I dont know what he is like to be around now when he is drunk. But I imagine it would be scary from rage or very self depreciating. He has always had issues with envy and the 'its everyone else problem or they don't like me because I am xyz' mindset. And it never made sense to me til lately once I began researching narcissism. I do have two questions though: is it common for them to not seem caring about you over phone conversations unless they need help? And does the alcoholism and narcissism, relate to them not taking care of themselves and having a house that is dirty but they don't see any problems with it.

[@user-xb1co1hd8v]

They never truly care about you, and only can seem like they do when you are providing them supply. And yes alcoholism and narcissism could lead somebody to take poor care of their health and live in a filthy house. While still maintaining their flimsy self image that they are superior to everyone. It breaks my heart the people who commit to 12 step programs and including Alanon hoping their intimate Partner will be fixed if they just stop drinking, when sometimes what they’re dealing with is a narcissist who can never be fixed. This happened to me. I thought I was just dealing with a person with substance abuse issues, but I have come to understand, greatly because of Professor Vaknin, that I was dealing with a covert narcissist. He had been sober (not always clean) for 24 years when he started drinking again. What an ugly transformation as Sam describes in this video. It happened five years ago and I am still working on recovering from the end of this 17 year relationship. Get away, stay away, and minimize any contact. Good luck to you.

[@breathinggreen2790]

Your Father is incapable of love. He will only call because he wants something. My Father was excalty the same. Take care of yourself and remember none of it is your fault. He was dead inside long before you even existed. 😌

[@bbmbezalb2697]

Mr V. Your intuition about these people being demonized is spot on .Look at the entry of liquor stores ...it tells you right in your face ...you are entering a house of SPIRITS . My ex husband had multiple personalities, him who could have been a lovely man and his various dangereux demons .

[@rachelh5182]

Sam , can you please do a video on covert narcissists who regularly like using psychedelic drugs - ayahuasca, LSD, MDMA etc Thank you 🙏

[@willjones5907]

Stay away I learned the hard way.

[@nonymousjones7204]

Be very careful. They attempt to spiritually describe their ego.

[@JeffCaplan313]

It's called a "Messiah Complex" - very dangerous for the ones who follow false prophets who are stuck in delusions of ego.

[@avneetisabellahimebaugh9366]

I have finally accepted the reality and don’t have any words left to speak anymore! What’s the point? You are absolutely correct! I asked him few weeks before our fifth wedding anniversary in August this year about his Alcohol Use Disorder. He told me it’s not drinking that’s his main issue and that he only likes to see how much he can get away with. That was a very devastating truth for me to listen to. I told him how can I have a sustainable marriage with a spouse who’s openly telling me without any remorse that they see marriage as a cat-and-mouse game . You cannot have an authentic marriage with someone who is not a trustworthy person. Such a marriage is a life sentence for the spouse who’s stuck with a person who lacks integrity. Of course you have the disorder too and you are an experienced and knowledgeable academician. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us.

[@julielehman1921]

So sorry, I went through it alot longer, THEY SUCK! THERE IDIOTS AND DISGUSTING! GLAD YOUR NOT WITH HIM.

[@missyjj3996]

My ex narc drank every single day. But he functioned well whilst drinking. Particularly with beer. It was like water to him. Although at the weekends he would escalate with spirits and get totally smashed.

[@sanfransoho]

Sounds like my dad. Beer, wine from the morning to the evening, literally no problem. He functioned very well. But spirits...

[@thundercat6709]

Spirits = truth serum

[@dianevanderlinden3480]

I went out with a guy who drank a lot when we went out at night. I thought wow, alcohol doesn't change this guy's personality. He's sweet all the time. I thought drunks were mean. He can't be a drunk. Then I learned that he was drunk all the time, and also on a couple of other things most of the time. The pot, MDMA, etc wiped out whatever aggression drinking might have caused.

[@somebodysfalling]

This was so brilliant that I almost didn’t notice the hot haircut. :) You’ve helped me put more of the puzzle together, and for that, I thank you. My little brother didn’t appear to be a psychopath when abusing opiates and Xanax for years, but when he replaced those with whiskey, he did become the “hound from hell” you describe. Now sitting in jail for aggravated assault against his mother. I know in my heart that the issues run much deeper than alcohol myopia, still I wish there was more literature online that describes how sudden and intense it is for certain personality types.

[@somebodysfalling]

Raewyn Urwin Nice observation, Raewyn. It was a complement, hot as in attractive. I’m from the South US where hot has way too many meanings. ;) I have followed his work for a very long time, appreciating his mind more than a fresh new hairstyle.

[@user-xb1co1hd8v]

Yes! I think there is a huge difference between the effect of alcohol on a covert narcissist as opposed to other drugs like opiates. My covert partner was usually pretty easy to live with until he drank after many years, and became an arrogant ugly entitled selfish prick.

[@cat.736]

Everything he said is true. I'm living proof of that, I'm scared of myself when I drink,it feels like I'm taken over by an entity

[@ericaperretta9626]

Another great video! The covert narcissist I knew became confident when drinking, claimed to be empathic, and was passive-aggressive on a regular basis with me. This really put their personality in perspective. Thank you!!

[@rachelcronin916]

I have never met an alcoholic or a drunkard that was even remotely able to perform or have any form of proper sex, probably fortunately, in hindsight.

[@trevtall1094]

My dad is one of these people to a T (jackel and hyde) put my mum through hell when she was dying with lung cancer, she would be almost having a mental breakdown trying to make sure the house was "perfect" for him before he got home from the pub. It would blow your mind to see how pathetically weak he can be for problem solving. Didn't even have the guts to tell my GPs that I was misdiagnosed as delusional (just needed tablets at the time and he was the only person in my life I could depend on) which is now years later I'm terminal (NHS has closed ranks to protect themselves legally)

[@suzanne5971]

Sam, I have learned so much from your videos. I have been learning about my ex through many videos on narcissism, but yours are so spot on in explaining the covert narcissist behaviors I lived with. This video, and the one on the doormat and the psychopath, have allowed me to answer the ‘why’ that no one else could answer. It gives me some closure, and information for the next time I date. I cannot thank you enough (and Richard Grannon for turning me on to you). Thank you very much.

[@deedeeward3685]

Best description you Dr Vaknin has made. Bravo to you and your amazing knowledge. Please continue with your research and teachings.

[@d.w.96318]

Fascinating, in the region I was born, it is customary to do business meetings with new potential business partners or customers in restaurants. Heavy drinking is mandatory. The winning party out of the meetings are usually the party that have more tolerance towards alcohol.

[@Flusterette]

The title alone describes my mother. I already 100% agree.

[@TR-IRL]

This is the man I'm trying to get away from to a T!

[@olivehiggo]

You are the best. Loved the beginning.

[@yootoob1001001]

It is most certainly a choice. However, one does not always realize that immediately. It helps tremendously to address other areas of the self in order to facilitate responsibility for one's addictive tendencies. In my own experience and that of others I've witnessed, the confirmation that it's a choice came after a lot of work, and then it becomes almost effortless and that goes for behaviors as well as substances.

[@janicegeorge-allen1924]

Nailed it again Sam. thank you !!

[@CC-gg8sz]

On point 100%.. describing my ex cover narc! I made it! Im out🥵🤯💪🥇

[@jackie4mail]

Bravo! This helped me very much to understand an old "friend".

[@MrVarhansen]

Same here

[@vannasheets1]

This is excellent- thank you!!!

[@alessandromyer]

Minnie 😂 the best KZbin moment in a long time!

[@mytinkabella]

You make perfect sense to me. I love intelligence. Thank you

[@vallip4254]

Yes! You speak of my brother...an ageing covert...the escalation of the drinking over medicating etc.thank you Sam.

[@desereeme5084]

Jar of hearts .. thank you for the past videos

[@rosamarialopezhermosa4590]

I love the way you describe these difficult subjects. Thank you!

[@peterlyon8424]

Thank you, Sam. A very important topic.

[@terrysteward]

She pursued her target affair partner. He told me,he felt like a chased rabbit.she was relentless,wouldn’t take no for an answer,had no shame,and didn’t care about my feelings,I had the i love you but im not in love with you,we have never been right for each other,told me she hasn’t been happy for at least 7 years,but we had moved to a warmer climate for her autoimmune disorder,id invested time and money in getting her singing with me,and we had so many happy pictures to contradict what she was saying

[@runwiththewind3281]

Thank you for helping me understand me

[@NomoSapienss]

This video connects so many things. Thank you.

[@tanyasymons169]

You have explained this to well! I am in the process of leaving this exact situation after 19 years. I have had to walk away with only mine and our children's clothes as it is not worth the extra fear or stress. It has been 4 months out and finally our children are out of their rooms and we are beginning to communicate as a family again. I am in counselling and it is eye opening to start being honest with myself at how sick the whole relationship had became and what I also allowed our children and I to be put through. It is still hard not to get drawn back as he is always the sad looking victim if he decides to attempt to see the children pass by then hours later the targeted personal abuse via text begins.... So I know he is drinking...then it stops... I assume as he has drunk enough to have the courage to head to the pub... I know the nights he found someone as no more texts...if not they begin again in early morning hours. Same pattern out of the relationship as in so I am only getting wiser I guess. Hopefully on a road to rediscovering our children and myself ☺️

[@julielehman1921]

Hang in there! Been there done it. Yah the victim bullshit! Same exact bs!

[@ladakoroliuk3753]

Aaaaa, I literally can not! I know such a person! It's so accurate, I have got goosebumps.

[@rupk5578]

EXCELLENT presentation!!!! Genius

[@RPMT]

This makes a lot of sense, and thanks again Dr. Vaknin.

[@albertario6413]

Sam, you're very competent and your funny side is irresistible. Thank you for the excellent job you do every time.

[@jessicahandelman1993]

i've known a number of these, (unfortunately usually ina romantic sense), and they seem to have a lot of friends. how how howww

[@violahamilton782]

Thank you; your analysis is very helpful, reminding me to be alert about noticing behaviors in friends and family who drink, etc. and have excuses.

[@sarahbatsford4791]

You have a very funny sense of humour. I love it😆

[@alexharrel]

Absolutely true!!! I lived it, he shattered me.

[@emmamonroe3311]

That is very interesting about my ex covert narc. Makes sense. Thank you.

[@spoton8247]

U are a legend

[@jennymeade8786]

Be careful about stroking his ego too much. LOL he is a narcissist himself you know.

[@Mrhirtzel]

You are a treasure sir!!!!! Thank you for continuing to make these useful videos.

[@mrfiddle7578]

Thank you Prof. Sam Vaknin, this i very very good information.

[@spoton8247]

I love all your work and appreciate you Sharing your knowledge and expertise and humour..please keep on keeping us informed. U are making a huge difference in our lives .

[@Elizabeth-py2xl]

You’re my favorite person to listen to about this. Thank you.

[@amieowsianowski8389]

I am very impressed!!! This has bewn the best explanation I have heard

[@jodiduke2934]

Perfect description of the ‘switching’ states of a covert narcissist when he has his bottle- I enjoyed the video thoroughly, although having the real experience was absolutely horrible and then went straight to terrifying with the sudden permanent switch. Mine obtained godlike powers seemingly overnight with the use of the current Manifestation pseudo-religions. The alcohol problem and ensuing behaviors should have been a warning (baiting, flicking me on the head with his wedding ring, posturing and smugly imitating a man of means and power, demanding and extorting), but I had no idea what I was dealing with for all of those years. Thank you again, your work is invaluable.

[@globalmusic1636]

You are hilarious with Minnie.. Good sense of humour.. Love it. Great topic I might add MR. GENIUS 🏆🏆👍🏼👍🏼

[@RealWorldReport]

Thank you so much for addressing the topic of alcoholism and the Covert Narcissist.

[@jessicahandelman1993]

wow the part about symmetry when we drink, i mean listen i know a lot of things but that actually blew my mind lolll thank you sam!

[@karavictoria4570]

Holding the torch of truth and science. So timely and useful. Thank you so much!

[@martinegagne5326]

Thank you! I have been dealing with a sibling who has been in this situation for decades. Your video seems to say that there is very little chance that they can recover. It is so painful to see someone you love going through these motions. It is also very painful to be on the receiving end of their roller coaster rides. Recently had to put boundaries which resulted in a need for no contact. Your video helps me put things in perspective. Thank you!

[@misscat6375]

Wow, you pretty much summed up my ex partner to a tee, every single behaviour you described.....his experiences and history of intergenerational abuse and dysfunction within his family unit, formed this sad, pathological, addicted, hollow soul of a human, manically seeking supply in a desperately fervent manner....depressing really 😑 thankyou Sam, I appreciate your knowledge and insights x