Am I Dating a Narcissist Woman

[@zenbumblebee]

In a nutshell. If your partner understands you're suffering due to their behaviour but doesn't change, just leave! Short pain is better than a lifetime of suffering. Life is so damn short, don't waste a moment of your precious time. Don't worry about a diagnosis, just get away from them.

[@shannonjurgens3667]

Narcissistic are unable to understand that you may be suffering. That ability they cannot possess.

[@RoyaForever]

Do you understand the psychological abuse that goes along with narcissistic abuse? You can’t “just leave”. Sometimes there’s financial abuse, physical abuse, etc. it’s an enmeshed. emotional , intense and extremely triggering experience. It’s not easy to keep your wits about you, especially if you were raised by a narcissist, then you fall right into the familiar pattern of nurturing the relationship at all costs. It’s unfair to put the impetus on the victim for not leaving.

[@dushk0]

@@RoyaForever You can't change the perpetrator's mind, the victim has to change theirs in order to get out. It's not fair to but it's beneficial.

[@RoyaForever]

@@dushk0 I agree the victim will eventually have to summon all their strength to get away- it’s not as easy as “just leave” that’s the point I’m making. To be involved in one of these relationships at all is indicative of an unhealthy dependence. It’s painful and can even feel wrong to leave. Many times myself included an escape had to be planned. To leave often incurs great personal risk.

[@dushk0]

@@RoyaForever I get that, it's easy to play smart and be dismissive as in "if you want change, make it happen", people do that all the time, someone else's problems are easy peasy, only mine are serious, etc. Then again, it's often no use trying to persuade the disordered person. Normally I'm against victim blaming but sometimes even the victim has to question themselves, open their eyes, cause the evil person hardly will (yes, I understand you stated this same thing in your reply). Personal risk, yes - so does staying involve it. All you wrote is true IMO and is undeniably sourced from experience and good understanding of it.

[@AryonaSamoto]

100% agree. I don't have time to waste attempting to figure out someone else's problem. I have my hands full of my own🤗

[@aliross2720]

In a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist believes the other person or other people are directly responsible for their well-being. They take no responsibility for their own well-being, instead insisting others are responsible for their emotions and how they get along in the world. They behave as if their problems are someone else's responsibility. Unfortunately, this often turns into a concrete dynamic in which the other people around them believe it, too. The relationship can become a situation where the narcissist is never expected to care for themselves and people run around trying to fix all of the narcissist's problems for them, either because the narcissist cannot or will not do so themselves. This happens for many reasons. It could be that the person or people around the narcissist are codependent and believe they have to do what other people want in order to be loved or validated. It could be that the narcissist is abusive if their needs are not catered to. It could be the result of guilt piled on someone by the narcissist. Throughout their relationships, narcissists will continually place the responsibility for their feelings on the other person, claiming that they were made to feel a certain way, creating an atmosphere where they are perpetually offended or claiming to have constantly hurt feelings. They may use tantrums or suicidal threats to control the household until they get what they want, or threaten that they will create a catastrophe for the family if they are not appeased. They may use emotionally-loaded language, such as "Why don't you want me to be happy?" or "Why do you want me to suffer?" In this way, they foist the responsibility for their feelings and well-being onto other people. The message here is very clear: "I have a problem and you need to do something about it." When the narcissist finally gets their way or is calmed down, all is serene again. This dynamic creates a situation where people must make the narcissist's feelings, wants and needs a priority or suffer. This reinforces the idea that other people are responsible for the narcissist's emotions and well-being, both to the narcissist and the people around them. It often becomes a vicious cycle where everybody is taking responsibility for the narcissist's well-being except for them. This often ends up doing more harm than good, as nobody can ever learn to tend to their own needs if they are not required to do so. Sometimes, people believe it is their duty to take care of other people in this way. Sometimes they believe they are doing the right thing, and they don't realize that they are actually hurting the narcissist by agreeing to take responsibility for them. These people often become angry at the suggestion that we are not responsible for other people's feelings or well-being. We will often see people who are upset on the narcissist's behalf asking why narcissists are being so callously painted and if should we all just forget about being compassionate human beings and abandon them to their awful, lonely fates. The very way this type of thing is phrased imples that other people are responsible for the narcissist's well-being, and that to disagree with that means someone is not compassionate enough. It implies that somehow narcissists won't meet that awful fate if somebody else does something about it. This is, of course, not only not true but it's also exactly what narcissists themselves believe. They are miserable and hurting and needing and somebody needs to do something about that. The idea that this person should be them does not cross their minds. This is just like the way a little kid expects their parents to make everything better and take care of their problems. The problem is, narcissists are not children. They are adults and they are responsible for their own well-being. The fact that they are either unwilling or unable to shoulder that responsibility does not change this fact. The narcissist's well-being is not your responsibility. You can't save someone from themselves. It can be hard to train yourself out of this way of thinking, especially when it's been reinforced with such strong emotions like guilt. However, it is not your responsibility to look after the emotions, the well-being or anything else of a grown adult. It's theirs. You don't have to carry that burden around anymore. It's OK to create boundaries. It's OK to say no. It's OK to say, "It's not my job to make you happy." It's OK to say, "Your feelings are your responsibility, not mine." Narcissists are not a special case, regardless of what they think. They have to carry their own problems and solve them, just like everyone else.

[@aliross2720]

Not only is is not your responsibilty but it's also not possible to help them. Most narcissistic people are pretty dysfunctional and at least one big area of their lives and often in multiple big areas of their lives. The solutions to the problems often seem very obvious and they often involve what appear to be simple changes to behavior or perspective so it's natural to offer Solutions when you care about somebody. However this is usually a mistake the problem is narcissists don't want help. The only "help" these personalities will accept seems to be enabling them to continue on with negative toxic or harmful Behavior toward themselves or to others. They don't want anything that includes them having to do, address or change anything. They believe the problem is the outcome they're dealing with not their actions that led to the outcome and any suggestion that they had any part in the problem is immediately received as attacking and blaming them no matter how kindly it's worded or how good your intentions might be. If you are suggesting they need to do something differently you're telling them that they're wrong or that something is wrong with them. This causes them to dig their heels in insisting that it's not true or worse they become defensive which often leads to them attacking you for what looks like no reason. In many of these situations it's like a switch gets flipped all of a sudden everything you're saying is suddenly harmful or stupid or bad or it's being taken wrong. This personality has an either or mentality, it's black and white only "I'm not bad because you're bad" "I'm not wrong because you're wrong" There's no room for other perspectives here or different points of view. People are either right or they're wrong and if you are right in this situation or if there's even any validity whatsoever to anything you're saying then the narcissist is wrong. This is intolerable for them and many will fight tooth and nail to prove that that's not true. They don't even care about being right per se they just want to be not wrong. In order for them to be not wrong you have to be not right. This is what leads to those absurd arguments that narcissists are famous for about what words really mean in the correct way to wash a dish and stuff like that. The shame of being wrong is intolerable to pathologically narcissistic personalities, even over things so stupid and so smal. When you're wrong you're stupid, worthless, incompetent, garbage. There's a huge level of resistance to the idea that they should do something differently. Not only are you saying that they're wrong but you're blaming them when they are very obviously the victim of circumstance and or other people's treachery. The basic idea seems to be that if they need to change something it's because they're bad or because they're wrong. Due to the toxic shame attached to being bad or being wrong this is taken as horrific horrible criticism. You're supposed to believe that they're perfect, love them and remain in the relationship unconditionally no matter what they do. Similar to the idealized love a parent is supposed to give to a child. For you to do otherwise is a betrayal and it is a wrongdoing on a level that people who are not pathologically narcissistic probably cannot really understand or appreciate. It's a wound to their very core. The fact that this expectation is not just unreasonable and absurd but actually impossible is not seem to cross their minds or to matter. The fact that they're constantly testing you and intentionally pushing you away doesn't seem to matter either. You are now a betrayer, deceiver an enemy and you must be destroyed. This is very confusing and hurtful for people it's extremely painful to have someone turn good intentions into hurtful or malicious motives. It's confusing to have somebody react as if you are attacking them when you're legitimately trying to help, but whether they ignore it, deny it , leave, go , silent or rage or whatever else they do the reaction is almost always the same. At its core defensive they feel directly attacked by the suggestion that they should change or do anything differently because the idea that they need to do that means they're not perfect and this triggers terrible shame, it means they have no value if you're not perfect . Regardless what they say or who or what they blame the narcissist's reaction here is the result of deep-seated pervasive and toxic shame that they carry with them always. This shame is a core feature of the narcissistic personality structure it's not tied to reality or any objective sense of wrongdoing the way that normal shame is and it isn't rational or logical. It just is and its influence over a narcissist thought processes and behaviors is enormous. Once you realize what you're seeing you will not be able to understand how you ever miss it . it's extremely important to understand however that though this often seems tragic to some people and really it is it's not something you can help this person with. You will only receive punishment for trying. They don't want help and you will not be considered kind or loving for attempting to help, you are an automatic enemy for even seeing any of these things much less pointing them out and trying to address them. Regardless of what they say or who they blame, these feelings of self-hatred, shame and their lack of self-worth are probably not the result of anything anyone is doing to them now. They have been part of the narcissist's internal makeup for years and years. This is not a situation that can be fixed with reassurance, and you will only exhaust yourself trying. People who have been involved with narcissists for extended periods of time already know that there is nothing you can say or do to convince a narcissist of anything. It just doesn't matter. Everything you do will be twisted into proof that validates what they already feel and already believe, even if it makes no sense at all. State your truth by all means, but don't exhaust yourself by repeatedly explaining and defending yourself against things that didn't happen, motives you don't have or emotions you don't feel. There is just no way to prove something to someone who is unable or unwilling to believe it.

[@Twinnzllc]

Amen to that

[@jwmills3]

Emotional maturity teaches you that your feelings can misled you either way.

[@cynthiathomas5754]

I think the repetitive lying is the worst. I still had let a few friends go on too long...And truth is, that is who they are.

[@erfaithfulsince]

I once heard, “You’re not a victim of narcissistic abuse but a volunteer .” Hit hmm with me and made a ton of sense. Don’t volunteer yourself people, stand up to narcissistic abuse. Respect is everything

[@ambermanning4855]

Look into Trauma Bonding. It's real. The trauma bond needs to broken and healed from. It's much more complicated than just being a "volunteer". Please don't judge. Thank you.

[@inkystarz]

Usually the target of a narcissist have their own maladaptive attachment or trauma issues, because so many of us do.

[@NopeNotTodaySatan]

Trauma bond is real. Try not to judge

[@silvio.r8443]

The key is to get out early if you can

[@Lisa-lg2je]

I would beg to differ on this one because we choose partners based on trauma from our childhood. And then the problem is that so people feel that they have to stay in abusive relationships because it hurts much more and much longer to be single. I guess that is from trauma but trauma is so difficult to heal....I personally see no solution to the problem but to keep living in the prolonged and humiliating torture of being single....and continuing year after year after year in therapy with no improvements. I am totally burned by it all....

[@thecarpenter2599]

I said to her we're not getting along and I feel like it would be better if we were apart you don't want me to feel like that do you? And she said EVICT ME!!!! Which I did. 3 days before the eviction, covid closed the courthouse. It was another year before I could get her out. Be careful what you do people. Be careful who you let in your house.

[@ld3418]

I let my son's gf in when he promised to stop drinking (13 year alcoholic) if she could stay 4-6 wks with 1 suitcase. She moved in all her possession, took over my apt and started undermining our relationship day 1. I let her in AGAIN during COVID concerned for his isolation/depression. Pushed them out after 2 yrs HELL. No contact now.

[@firehorse9996]

You've really lost your personal power when you must rely on the courts and legal system to manage your life. Heed your own advice, first.

[@skmmlk5379]

@Fire Horse I disagree with that comment. He went the legal route so he didn't get in trouble a woman can say that he did something that he didn't and get in trouble. In his comment he states he ended she said evict me. Which means if he forcefully does it she will most likely call the cops and he gets in trouble. So I really don't understand how you think he should've handled it

[@Bry_and_Missy]

I made that mistake... let her in & TRIED TO MAKE HER HAPPY getting out of my "rathole" decent 2 bedroom

[@Bry_and_Missy]

Now I'm fucked

[@annemarie9980]

"Abuse is abuse....if you feel bad around a person.....leave" oh boy !! I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO DO WHAT'S BEST FOR ME !...Clear instructions Mr Grannon....thank you 💖💫🙌

[@mimio8278]

I would disgree wholeheartedly in that statement. ‘ if you feel bad around someone then leave’ - I dunno sometimes the people who make you feel bad actually help you the most in life. My personal trainer makes me feel a lot of muscle pains but it’s for my own fitness. Sometimes the pain is a good thing for growth and maturity it’s called tough love. L

[@susananderson4835]

No Metha, no one shd stay in an abusive r'ship once they realise that's what it is in order to learn. The learning comes after you leave if you choose to reflect back on things in an honest emotionally mature way, imho x

[@mimio8278]

@@susananderson4835 that’s not what I said

[@silverarrow2558]

What kept me in longer than I should have was the mistaken thought that I could fix my gf with kindness...

[@aliross2720]

Narcissists don't recognize or understand love, though they may seek it incessantly. They demand love, in fact, and they punish people they don't feel are giving it to them. They believe they have been shortchanged by life, or that they are superior and therefore everyone needs to recognize their status as a victim or a superior being by showing them all-encompassing, unconditional love, forgiveness and compassion. The problem is, that's not reality and they know that. Their "positive image" or false self as we say, is a fake. It's a cover up, a mask for the pathological shame, self-hatred and inadequacy they feel. Because of these things, they are convinced no one will ever love them and no one ever has. This is why it doesn't matter whether you love them or not. They cannot recognize it, even if you do. Everything will be twisted into something bad because they are unable to believe in other people's sincerity, or trust that people have genuine feelings. Anything you might do or say cannot compete with the barrage of self-hatred and abuse they heap upon themselves nonstop. They cannot be loved back to health because there is no health to go back to. Their personality has grown into its dysfunction. There is no baseline normalcy to go off of. For example, if someone has schizophrenia, it usually shows up when they are in their 20's. They used to function one way and then they began to function differently. There was a before and an after. There is no other way they have ever been. Breaking through something like that is much more difficult. How can someone see there is a problem if they have never been any different? How can you make someone understand that the way they are literally perceiving things is wrong? When something is affecting someone's perception, explaining things to them is pointless. The reason you are having to explain it to them is exactly the same reason they can't see the problem. In a very real sense, pathologically narcissistic people need others to survive. With no way to create or regulate their own self-worth, they have to receive an endless flow of attention, validation and more from other people. A supply. Otherwise, it's like a pitcher with a hole in the bottom. It will never get full but as long you keep pouring water into it, it stays at a more or less constant level. However, as soon as you stop pouring, the water all runs out and the pitcher is empty again. When a person's self-worth bottoms out like that, they are in for a very hard time and narcissists are no different. This is the point where they often decompensate. They panic. They may even become suicidal, and it can happen very quickly; sometimes in a matter of hours. As soon as the flow or supply to their defective pitcher is restored, they usually bounce back quickly, almost as if nothing ever happened. The mask goes back in place and we're right back where we started. They need others for something else too. Their self-esteem is very, very fragile . The normal stresses and blows to the ego that are nothing to most people are intolerable for someone with such little self-worth. They cannot abide by anything less than perfection, because any flaw or mistake - no matter how small - is considered a terrible failing and indictment of character. It is seen as proof of their worthlessness. But no one is perfect. No one is flawless. Everyone makes mistakes. The narcissist avoids the enormous pain of flaws, imperfections and mistakes through denial and projection, by blaming them on other people. In other words, you are literally there in part to take the blame for things so that they don't have to. Saying it like that sounds so petty, so it's imperative to understand to a pathologically narcissistic person, these things are intolerable. This is more than just someone who doesn't want to admit something or doesn't want to take the blame. These things represent serious harm and danger to a narcissist. How can you give perfect love when you are so terribly flawed? Worse than that, how can you reflect the perfect, idealized image of themselves that pathologically narcissistic people need to see when you've been tainted by all the terrible things they've done? You've seen behind the perfect facade and now all you reflect back to them is the knowledge that they are not perfect after all. This is one of the reasons they value the supply and attention from people they barely know over those they know well. Those people can't reflect the narcissist's flaws and failings back to them because they don't know any of them. The supply from them is much more satisfying and more pure because it is not tainted by anything. When someone they don't know says something good about them, the narcissistic person can't convince themselves that the person doesn't really feel that way because there is no reason to. They've never done anything to that person. This is why they fear exposure. It ruins that pure supply, those good opinions. Anyone who knows the pathologically narcissistic person in a more intimate capacity is a potential danger and ultimately, an enemy. The narcissistic person has set themselves up in a situation where they can never really get what they need and you are in a situation where you are being asked to do something that is impossible. Even if we disregarded the totally unrealistic demand for perfection being made of you, how can you ever be perfect when someone rejects all of your good qualities and even makes up bad ones that you don't have? It's a set up. There is no way to succeed at what you are being asked to do. If you were given a pitcher with a huge hole in the bottom and told that you needed to completely fill that pitcher to the brim with water or you were a failure, you would say that was ridiculous. If you were then punished and abused you because you did not succeed, you would leave the situation. Why? Because that's not fair. Something is being demanded of you that is impossible. You're being put in a situation that is inherently deficient and being asked to perform perfectly. This is the same thing the narcissistic person is doing. You're pouring your energy, your love and yourself down a bottomless pit and being abused because you can fill it. It's pointless to participate in that. It is not possible to do what they are asking. You will only exhaust yourself trying. And then they will probably discard you anyway. Everything they do is to secure flow into that pitcher. This is why they cheat, why they gaslight, why they manipulate, why they do everything. No one person will ever be enough for long. Everyone becomes tainted in the end, either because they see behind the facade of the narcissist and can therefore expose them, or because the narcissistic person cannot find a flaw in the person and begins to hate them because they are jealous. That is the saddest part of this entire thing. Even if you could become absolutely, totally perfect, they still would not be happy. Instead of hating you for being flawed, they would hate you for being perfect. You can't win. Your jobs in this relationship are to give them the perfect, unconditional love they desire by reflecting their perfect self back to them always and to be the disgustingly flawed scapegoat they can blame everything on. If you think about it for a minute, you will see that this is so. Unfortunately, these things cancel each other out. You cannot be perfect if you are flawed. You cannot be flawed if you are perfect. There is no way to fulfil both of these requirements. It can't be done. Even if you were the perfect victim, so to speak, someone with no boundaries who always took the blame and never asserted yourself, someone who worshipped the narcissist and saw them as godlike, who let them do whatever they wanted and still loved them and never chastised them, it still would not be good enough. Their opinion of you would be extremely low and you would be treated terribly. They would still go to others for supply as well. What good is supply from someone who is that pathetic? There is no chance that you can become perfect enough for a person who does not understand love to love you.

[@aliross2720]

They hate everybody, including themselves. They hate themselves for not being good enough and they hate you for proving that to them every day -- simply by existing. The very fact that you exist is a threat to the narcissist, because it reminds the narcissist that they are not perfect. That's the twist here: all of the narcissist's hate for you is really hate for themselves. Not only do they not have genuine positive feelings for other people, such as love or respect or acceptance, they don't even have genuine negative feelings for other people like hatred. It's all about them. The sadistic hurtful games you think the narcissist is playing with you are actually games the narcissist is playing with themselves. You're just a tool to do this with. You only matter as far as the narcissist can use you, either to hurt themselves or to make themselves feel better. You yourself do not matter at all. It's all projection. Narcissists hate people who aren't narcissists, and they hate them for not being narcissists. They hate people who are not mentally ill, who are not broken or flawed or weak, the way they perceive themselves to be. So they project those insecurities onto other people. A person they initially admired becomes hated for having or being everything the narcissist wishes they themselves could have or be, and the narcissist becomes envious and hateful because the person is, in the narcissist's opinion, an undeserving recipient of such wonderful qualities and therefore, they are a walking reminder of how much of a failure the narcissist really is. The narcissist imagines that they are being compared to this person by others and coming out a distant second. They cannot abide by this, and they will do anything they can to destroy the perception they think other people have of the hated person being perfect or not flawed. They are consumed with pathological jealousy, envy and self-hatred. This creates a toxic cocktail which results in a personality that is bent on destroying the people around them in the misguided belief that knocking other people down makes them appear taller. They seek to soothe their own insecurities not by building themselves up with healthy self-esteem as normal people would do, but by destroying anything that threatens them. Because they hate themselves so much and feel like such failures, narcissists look for a certain type of partner. They want people who are special in some way. Maybe the partner is talented or gifted in some way, maybe they have a very strong family and support system... they target people who have things they want. They hope to absorb these qualities from their partner, or to "wear" their partner's talents and personality as a skin, like Invasion of The Body-Snatchers. They seek to dominate and control the partner so that they can siphon their good qualities and use it to fortify their own withering armor. We see behavior this very clearly in the cloning behavior that many narcissists employ. Narcissists have a very unstable identity and so they will often try to adopt the skills, talents or hobbies of their partners. They will horn in on every aspect of your life in an attempt to take it over and make it about them. They hate you because they can't. No matter how hard they try to steal another person's identity or personality, underneath it all, they are still themselves. Your existence reminds them of that and they hate you like fire for it. For example, If you are a competent painter, the narcissist may decide to take up painting also. This is nice, right? Something you can do together. Wrong. The narcissist cares nothing about spending time together. They have simply seen a way they can get attention and recognition and they want to do it, too. Of course, there's a problem with that: you. The fact that you are painting as well is a problem. You are taking attention away from them and worse, you're better at it than they are. Talented, charismatic or otherwise gifted partners are expected to "tone it down" so as not to outshine the narcissist, or to give the narcissist credit that they don't deserve for things they didn't do. Narcissists expect to be acknowledged as outstanding, amazing and special, even when they've done nothing to warrant that. The narcissist is the star in this movie, and no one is permitted to outshine them. Ever. When people do not abide by this unspoken rule, the narcissist becomes enraged, accusing others of sabotaging or holding the narcissist back because of their jealousy of the narcissist. Or they will degrade and insult their partner's talent, telling them that no one really likes their work or that they aren't really very good at it. They hate their partner for being better at something than they are and for not caring about the narcissist enough to hide that fact. The reality is that the narcissist is jealous of the attention and admiration they believe their partner is receiving. They are the ones trying to sabotage things for their partner, because the narcissist is supposed to come first, and the cost to other people is not important. These are people with no emotional lives of their own. They have no identities and because of this, they endeavor to steal other peoples' identity through a sort of "personality transplant." The narcissist has a very malformed and destructive self-image. They look in the mirror and see garbage, an ogre, an evil person who does not deserve to live. They resent anyone who is not as awful as they think themselves to be. They also envy that other person and want to steal all the person's good qualities for themselves. The only way the pathological narcissist can do this is to systematically degrade, demean and beat the person down nonstop until they don't have those good qualities anymore. If the person is caring, the narcissist calls them selfish. If the person is well-liked, the narcissist works to destroy the person's reputation and continuously tells the person all the reasons people don't really like him or her. If the person is smart, the narcissist works to humiliate them and make them look stupid. This is a crude form of brainwashing and a way to elevate themselves: if their loved one is stupid, the narcissist looks smart. If their loved one is told they are selfish, this means the narcissist is caring by comparison. Of course, doing this does not transfer the good qualities to the narcissist as they'd hoped it would, but it is good enough for the narcissist to know that now nobody has the good qualities. In a very real sense, they want to bring everybody down to their level, because they feel desperately inadequate. They are unable to better themselves, so they choose instead to bring everybody else down. Their entire self-image is based on how they compare to other people, and since they always end up falling drastically short of even basic normal standards, the only way to boost their self-image is to drag other people down. The narcissist effects the personality transplant not just by trying to steal someone's good qualities but also by forcing that person to carry all of the narcissist's bad qualities. This can only be achieved by repeatedly demeaning and degrading the person until they accept the things the pathological narcissist says as true. Once the narcissist has forced the victim to accept that the victim is a terrible, broken and evil person, the victim is then deserving of abuse for being terrible, broken and evil. The victim is forced to carry all of the qualities the narcissist hates about himself, and by doing so, the victim becomes the object of the narcissist's hatred. Often they will succeed at their sabotage and then they relax because the threat has been eliminated. This will happen over and over again, with the partner being robbed of every single thing they love to do or are good at until their is nothing left for the narcissist to feel threatened by. Since this also results in the person losing the special qualities the narcissist was attracted to in the first place, many times the narcissist will move on at this time, discarding the victim and looking for another person they can emulate and absorb in their endless quest to be special. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you are likely the only one in the relationship with any genuine feelings for the other person. That's not to say the narcissist has no genuine feelings at all. They do. They just don't have any genuine feelings for you. We've all heard that old adage, "If you don't love yourself, you can't love anybody else." It may be old but it's also true, and the narcissist is a perfect example of it. They don't love themselves and because of that, they cannot love anyone else. They also can't believe anyone can love them, either (regardless of what they may say to the contrary). Loving a narcissist is the same as loving a character on a TV show. This is not a real person and can never reciprocate.

[@aliross2720]

This is not a 'normal' relationship that is respectful and considerate but simply devoid of affection. This is living in a war zone with someone who is actively and purposely trying to sabotage and destroy your life because not only do they not love you, they are pathologically, even obsessively envious of you and everything you have. Why should you have things that they don't have? They endeavor to take those things away from you. If they can't have it, nobody can. The narcissist possesses a dysfunctional superego that savages him day and night with awful, terrible things about himself. He gets no rest from it. Every vicious, horrible thing he is saying to you is what he actually thinks of himself. That's why he says it. He is under attack 24 hours a day. The only thing he can do to try and get any respite from it at all is to attack someone else. These things aren't really true about him - they're true about you! You are the bad one, the evil one, the broken one, the human garbage. It's obviously true because he said so. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is, underneath it all, a set of malfunctioning defense mechanisms. The defense mechanisms that the child pre-narcissist needed to protect him from more damage have grown into pathological thought processes and behaviors. These defense mechanisms have turned on him and instead of protecting him, they now assault him nonstop with an endless tirade of how awful he is. At the same time, they prevent him from accepting or even hearing any criticism or taking any blame at all, ensuring that he will never be able to change. He really does think it's everybody else and he derives actual pleasure from punishing those he thinks deserve it. This is why the narcissist is abusive; not only is he looking to simply pass the punishment along, but he believes himself to be so terrible that anyone who loves him must be irretrievably flawed themselves. The narcissist cannot accept any flaws in people who care about him; flaws render them a terrible, crushing disappointment to him. Since the very act of loving the narcissist convinces the narcissist that the person who loves him is hopelessly flawed, anyone who loves him is a target for his abuse just because they love him. It is imperative that the pathological narcissist abuse his or her loved ones. It is literally interpreted by them as a life or death situation, and they belief they are acting in self-defense by abusing other people. For a narcissist to stop abusing their family members would be tantamount to emotional suicide. It would require the narcissist to admit that their needs are only as important as everybody else's needs, and to do that would be stating the narcissist's needs don't matter at all. It would be the same as being invisible. For a person whose every waking thought centers around how much attention they can get from other people, this is a fate worse than death Loving a narcissistic person is a painful, frustrating and ultimately pointless endeavor where people wait for years, chasing something they are not going to get. It isn't really malicious on the narcissist's part. They're not purposely not loving you out of spite. But you can't pour from an empty cup, and they have nothing to give. That's really the truth of it. They have nothing to give. They can only take and as long as you keep offering, they will keep taking, regardless of whether it's fair or not. You will be offered nothing in return except abuse, you will not be appreciated, considered or thanked and you will not get what you want from the relationship. That's just the way it is. There is no happy ending here. There is no amazing moment where they finally understand and it's all worth it because now everyone lives happily ever after. There is only abuse, pain and frustration until you get tired enough of it to leave or they find someone who isn't wise to their game yet and discard you. Or maybe they never leave, but instead of attacking you they just ignore you 90% of the time. You can love a narcissist if you wish and you can pursue a relationship with one if you wish, but expecting your love and sacrifice to pay off in the end is unrealistic. It does not matter to them. It has not mattered to them yet and it likely never will. They don't even notice it. The only thing that matters to pathologically narcissistic people is getting their needs met, and since they have no idea what their needs even are or how to achieve any of this, there is almost zero chance of it ever happening. Because of this, everyone that comes into their lives will be a bitter disappointment to them. Everyone who tries to love them will fail them. Not because they are failures, but because the narcissist believes others are responsible for holding their broken pieces together. This is impossible, and when people cannot perform the miracle of making the narcissist into what they want to be, they are hated. It is sadly ironic that narcissists demand love from others yet don't understand love at all. They cannot recognize it, they can't give it and they can't accept it. Narcissists are not just cold and empty. They are white-hot infernos of rage, hatred and jealousy. Most of that is actually directed at themselves, but they often project it outward in a vain attempt to get some relief from it. And the people they direct it at are the people closest to them. Not only does the narcissist not love you, they don't really consider you a person at all. Not in the way they consider themselves to be a person. That's why they behave the way they do. Some people have punching bags that they take their anger and frustration out on. Narcissists often use other human beings this way. This is because they don't see them as people. It's not malicious, exactly. They're just not built that way. The only reason narcissists get into relationships in the first place is to validate themselves: "If someone loves me, I matter. If someone has sex with me, I matter. If someone cares about me, I matter. If someone pays attention to me, I matter. I exist. I am important." They don't care about sharing their lives, or happy Christmases with the family or what you did at work today or anything like that at all. They would be happiest if you simply did not exist until they needed you to. Again, this in and of itself is not malicious. They just have no real interest in anyone but themselves. They're focused on what they're doing and what they're thinking and what they want. That's basically it. Of course, you do exist. You have needs and you have goals and plans and things you want to do. If these do not involve the narcissist, the narcissist is not interested. If it does involve the narcissist but the narcissist doesn't want to do it, the narcissist is not interested. There is no give and take in this kind of relationship. There is only take. There's no understanding, no support. It's all about what they need, what they want. Try to take the focus off of that, and there will be very big problems. Nothing you say really matters and nothing you do really matters unless it has to do with the narcissist. This is what the disorder is. The abuse, the lies, the emotional blackmail, the constant disruption of people's lives, the destruction of their peace, the nonstop creation of disasters and catastrophes, the complete lack of stability, the never-ending drama, the triangulation, the splitting, the irresponsibility, the childishness, the endless arguments over nothing and vicious attacks for no reason, the total lack of respect, the complete disregard for other people's feelings... It's ugly. Dealing with a narcissist is ugly. It's torture.

[@aliross2720]

The narcissist cannot be forced to see other people as human beings. It is a waste of time to try to "get through" to them, or get them to see it. They are incapable of doing so. Because of the unique and damaged way they see and relate to other people, it isn't really possible for narcissists to love others. There can only be one Sun. Narcissists are just too focused on themselves and their problems. There is no room for anyone else. Narcissists more than likely don't have the capacity to love at all. They can feel infatuated and they can become obsessed, but these things are not love. Narcissists often think they love others, but if you ask them why they love someone or what they love about that person, the answer will often be a list of things the person does for them. It is generally not be a list of things about the person themselves.For example, a non-narcissistic person might say, "I love my wife because she's so strong" or "I love how my husband is so passionate about things." A narcissist might say things like, "I love her because she makes me feel smart" or "I love the way he gives me stability." It's all about what someone is doing for them. There's no recognition or understanding of the person as an individual. People only matter to the narcissist if they can do something for the narcissist. Once someone's usefulness goes away, the "feelings" the narcissist had for that person usually go away, too. Feelings for others are superficial and really only extend as far as the person relates to the narcissist. Anything beyond that does not matter. To the narcissist, it doesn't even exist. They are like the center of a wheel, and people are the spokes. They see everyone and everything as an extension of themselves in some way or another. Everything flows from them, and toward them. They are the Sun that every other thing revolves around. Not just the brightest star but the only star. narcissists have no emotional connection to other humans, any more than a non-narcissist would have to that same lamp. People are viewed by narcissists as either objects to get to what the narcissist wants or as hurdles in the way of it. That's it. The pathological narcissist is unable to understand that other people have feelings. If they do understand, these feelings are considered totally unimportant when compared to the narcissist's own feelings and what they want. This is because the part of the brain that enables humans to care and empathize with other people is either missing in the narcissist or it's so dysfunctional and immature that it is completely ineffective. Narcissists also enjoy manipulating, tricking and fooling people. It makes them feel smart and superior to have tricked or otherwised fooled people into doing, saying or acting the way the narcissist wants them too. This is made especially obvious by the way they will continuously provoke and insult someone - sometimes for hours - until the person reacts with anger, which the narcissist then reacts to by screaming that they are being abused. If this is pointed out, the narcissist will flat out deny they've done anything wrong, insisting that they are the ones who are being mistreated. The relationship with a narcissist can never be equal. They don't want it that way. They don't want an equal relationship - at all. They want to be first. They need to be first and they will do whatever they have to do to ensure that they are the most important, the only one who matters. Any attempts the other person makes at independence and equal treatment are viewed as extreme threats by the narcissist and are reacted to as such. The person is attacked for daring to have feelings and for daring to think these feelings matter. The pathological narcissist cannot understand that other people have feelings and does not care anyway. All that matters to them is themselves. This may sound trite to some people, or cliché; we all know selfish people. A person suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder can only be happy when they have crushed the other person beneath their feet. It is the only thing that makes them feel better about themselves. If they cannot control, dominate and crush the other person down, they will never stop trying and what results is an endless power struggle with the narcissist continuously accusing the other person of attempting to control, manipulate, oppress and subjugate them. In reality it is the narcissist who is doing these things, but they accuse the other person of it because unless the narcissist is the only thing that matters, they don't feel they matter at all. They cannot bear to be invisible and this is how they feel when they are forced to acknowledge other people's feelings, accomplishments or good qualities. They can only feel like a person by making other people feel like less than they are. They only feel validated when they can control and dominate others. This can never be any different. They will never see other people as equal. To do so would be the same as suicide for the narcissist. This is how important it is. . Everything the narcissist says is a lie, a manipulation and a scam. It can be extremely difficult to extricate yourself from the relationship with a narcissist. They hang on very tightly. They can be charming and manipulative, desperate to keep control over you. It's hard to say no when they are saying all the things you have been waiting so long to hear from them. Suddenly they've seen the light! You have shown them the way! It's finally happened! Losing you (well, almost losing you) was the kick in the rear end they needed to see how selfish they were being and Lord Jesus, it will never happen again! Saints be praised, it's a miracle! No. It's a manipulation. Narcissistic lies are designed to trap other people into doing what the narcissist wants them to do. The lies narcissists tell are exactly what people want to hear and they are saying it because they know that. They know what you want them to say and they will say it if they have to, but it's never going to be true. Everything that comes out of these people's mouths is a lie. But why? Why do narcissists lie? They have no truth. All they have are lies and manipulations that go along with whatever they are trying to get you to do today. Tomorrow they will argue the exact opposite without batting an eye, if they have to do it in order to win. Winning is all they care about. Narcissists have a brutal superego that assaults them with horrible things 24 hours a day. Lashing out at other people is the only way they know to try and find peace from it. It doesn't work, but they have no other coping mechanism. They simply spread the misery around, hoping to take some of the punishment off of themselves. At the core of their personalities, narcissists believe they are bad. They believe they are weak, unlovable and broken. It is because of this that they treat the people who love them so badly. The very fact that the other person loves the narcissist must mean there is something wrong with that person. Because of this, the person is seen as irretrievably flawed and stupid, therefore deserving of the narcissist's abuse. This is the nature of the relationship with a narcissist: it can literally never be anything but abuse. The other person only exists to make the narcissist feel better. In fact, the narcissist is hoping to effect a sort of personality transplant or swap with the other person. The other person is everything the narcissist feels he is not: caring, smart, charismatic, well-liked, competant, powerful, exciting... whatever. The narcissist wants to absorb those good qualities into himself and force the other person to carry all of his bad ones. He needs to control and dominate the other person in order to strip them of their coveted good qualities and take them into himself. He needs to abuse and reduce the person in order to force them to carry his bad qualities and relieve him of them. He is a weak person who cannot carry them himself and the image he projects of himself (and onto his victims) is nothing but lies. That is another reason he is abusive: If he convinces the other person that they are bad - or convinces other people that the person is bad, that makes him good. If he lies about the other person and makes other people dislike that person, that makes him more well-liked. If he says the other person doesn't care, this means he cares more. If he convinces the other person they are crazy, that means he is competant. If he makes the other person feel weak, this makes him powerful. This is who the narcissist is. This is why narcissists abuse. He projects all of his bad qualities on to other people, and when he is called out for doing these things, he simply says, "No, that's what you're doing. You must be the narcissist!" This results in a never-ending cycle of the narcissistic simply deflecting every single thing he is doing wrong onto the other person while never actually acknowledging or taking responsibility for any of it. He will never face reality. He can't. Narcissists are like the living embodiment of that old saying, "I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!" Except they actually mean it. They live it.

[@aliross2720]

the pathological narcissist enjoys hurting other people. Narcissistic abuse is like food to them, literally. They love it, because they hate themselves and they hate you. They get something out of hurting those who love them. They can't get it from just anybody. It has to be someone who cares about them; hurting strangers just isn't personal enough to give them that feeling that fixes them - even for just a second - and because of this, they are addicted to it. In fact, many times it is apparent how much they are enjoying themselves just by looking at them. They are often overconfident or unaware regarding how they appear to other people, so they make zero attempt to hide it. It is literally essential to his well-being that he abuse, dominate and control others. He can never learn, he can never change and he will never stop. To stop abusing the other person would mean admitting that the person doesn't deserve the abuse and that's never going to happen. The other person now carries all of the narcissist's bad qualities and the narcissist absolutely despises these things. The other person is also seen as possessing good qualities the narcissist dearly wants and thinks he deserves but cannot have because the person cruelly refuses to give them. This is seen as very unfair, even abusive. The way the narcissist views it, he is striking back in self-defense because by not being given what he wants, he is being terribly, terribly mistreated. The pathological narcissist believes that a person who is that despicable, that abusive, that unjustly punitive and withholding toward him deserves all the abuse the narcissist can give them. And they will get it. the person you fell in love with is a mask. It was a reflection of what you wanted and what you are. You essentially fell in love with yourself, because the narcissist was only reflecting your own wants and good qualities back to you in order to snare you. The real person is what is described here: a vicious, abusive, empty shell that needs constant sustenance, support and domination to exist. The narcissist cannot be happy and they cannot let anyone else be happy, either. Even if you do absolutely everything the narcissist asks you to do exactly the way they ask you to do it and exactly when they want you to do it, they will find some way for it to be wrong so they can punish you. If you live with a narcissist, you probably already know that. Don't hold your breath or waste your time waiting for it to change. It won't. They are incapable of love, of empathy, of sympathy, of loyalty or of honesty. The "relationship" with a narcissist is an endless cycle of abuse, domination and cruelty. This never changes and it never ends. The narcissist cannot love anyone, especially themselves. They only know how to take.

[@chrism5514]

"it is your body, your brain, your time, your life and it is YOUR responsibility. establish your boundaries, set your intent, take consistent & mindful action over & over again. NO ONE is coming to save you." and thank you richard for sharing your knowledge, experience, wisdom, insight, perspective.

[@miamay7688]

It's because you are so confused in those type of relationships and lack so much validation in the relationship that you seripusly doubt yourself. A psychiatric diagnosis is the only way to make sense of the mess that is a relationship with a narcissist.

[@jasonchen9645]

Johhny Depp summed it up best from one of Ambers voice recordings..."..CAUSE YOUR A FUKING CUUNT!!!"😂 Depp's da man! He definitely speaks to all of us men dealing with soul crushing wives, ex wives, and girlfriends.

[@Ardepark]

@L’esprit de l’escalier You don't know whether he's narcissistic, and it's not interesting at all LOL

[@Twinnzllc]

@@Ardeparkspoken like a disordered woman

[@emmaemma6641]

You hit the nail on the head when you posed the question "do you feel safe with this person?" My mum has been hard work over the years .. grinding me down.. mentioning appearance endlessly... controlling blah blah ... but it wasn't until she would whisper about me when I left the room (because she didn't like my attitude - that she caused) I HAD to stop seeing her. I felt so paranoid all the time and when I didn't feel like that I had such rage and hatred toward her I couldn't control myself without literally praying before I saw her. Once she said she was like it to me because I was strong. Fml It's been 4 years. I love her. She even sends me food and money via my stepdad BUT I don't entertain her. At this stage I would be floored if she turned on me again. Because let's face it, they always turn when you feel yourself beginning to feel safe with them. Great video. Thank you for all you put out 🤗

[@Babka113]

Why do u love her?

[@emmaemma6641]

@@Babka113 because I do. My heart can't help that

[@Bluenotefamily]

@@emmaemma6641man I felt that man I’m going through it right now I feel like I’m losing my mind but I love my kids

[@mimio8278]

It’s so important to have boundaries and self esteem and respect so this can never happen to any of us again. I think we were left in a infantilised state by are family’s and now we can easily fall back into that helplessness that makes us easy targets for narcissists. Messed up ego functions don’t help either. Because we become complete slaves to what ‘ feels good’ rather than what is good.

[@gertrudelisehahn2996]

I think maybe you need to do a bit more reading on the subject

[@brianreed8271]

I think you understand what happened to you perfectly. Which is great because it probably won't happen again.

[@lorianne4608]

Really an actual diagnosis doesn’t matter if you’re uncomfortable within the relationship. People wear what their intentions are. You will know. You will have a gut feeling.

[@mackmizzle8079]

This is the most relevant comment in this whole section 🤙🏽

[@livinglifebetter]

My problem wasn’t moral it was that I’d lost my ability to rationalise.

[@staywellandstrong4199]

Simply logical, truthful, and brimming with consideration of who we are. Bravo 👏

[@iamgoddessoflove]

One way to know that you're dealing with a narcissist is when they take, and take, leaving you feeling depleted. Whereas, you'll receive less, and less or nothing in return. 💙KZbinr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships

[@silvarehel]

I’ve seen so many women doing what you are doing as counsellors, life coach, psychologists I actually thought it was a masculinity problem and men were the culprits of narcissism. I mean most shows, tv series, Netflix and movies always show men as narcissists. Now I’ve bumped into your channel by chance and realized I was looking at all these other disorders when my partner was a covert narcissist. Needless to say it’s been 6 months since I left her, cold turkey, grey rock, no contact, lost thousands in personal belongings, she’s gathered her flying monkeys and said all sorts of bs.... I’m good. Thanks to you. Cheers 🍻

[@karlso7314]

Thank you Richard as your work and wisdom has helped me so much. I agree. The big thing I have learned through relationships in my life is if your partner is unwilling to accept responsibility for their actions then that’s a big red flag. We are all capable of hurting each other and no relationship is roses and rainbows every day but there are boundaries that should not be crossed and if they are then it’s time to end it. There has to be two adults doing their very best to care and love each other and part of that is learning and growing with respect for each other’s boundaries with effective and adult communication. It’s always got to be a two way street. If your intentions and values are in alignment with each other it makes it a lot easier to deal with any conflict.

[@Warrior48]

!!

[@karlso7314]

@@Warrior48 what does that mean?

[@smiler1327]

I think the reason why some people need an answer is to work out if their behaviour is able to change. Are all the conversations worth it? Do they mean it when they say they can change? For me, it was a question of whether it was a temporary state of mind, due to feelings of engulfment or whether he was just incapable of love. Either way, I wasn't in a good state so I said go.

[@NightOwlGames]

Gaslighting was the key that unlocked my confusion, i looked up gaslighing and found out about narcissim.

[@angelaroettgers4186]

I think the question "is he/she a narcissist" stems from self validation. In my situation, anyway. I felt like if he had a definite label of some sort, then I could remove all blame for myself for his actions towards me. If there's nothing "wrong" with him it must be me. Therefore, I trick myself into staying because I caused this and who else will put up with me.

[@kollow]

I hear the "who would want me" thinking a lot. Honestly, there's a lot of people that would. My wife came from abusive relationship. Her ex-husband repeatedly told no one would ever want her. She finally left him because the abuse got so bad she couldn't stay. Guess what, I wanted her and I admire her courage to break from her abusive husband and step into the unknown. I love her, and I can promise someone will love you too. He will love you and want to keep you safe. Don't stay in an abusive relationship. It will be the hardest thing you do to break away but you deserve better and you deserve to be loved.

[@ld3418]

Decades later your life will be over, and you will have never had peace and a chance t to live your life on your terms. You are not a commodity on a shelf for sale. The blame falls on us for tolerating their abuse. Life is way too short!

[@rwesleyslaght111]

I do the same with my girlfriend except my thought is always "Maybe I'm just misunderstanding her and my perception is wrong, and if I leave I could have been totally wrong about her." So I seek the label to validate my own questions.

[@mimi615ville]

😢unfortunately I have felt & done the same. Healing ❤️‍🩹 love 💗 sent to you. It’s very difficult to change & set up boundaries when we’re used to fighting to keep someone in our life bc of how we feel about them & also ourselves.

[@rioseven7306]

Although I understand that validation feels good and makes things easier, you don’t need it.

[@clairepurcell7577]

Brilliant, refreshing. Thank you for cutting through the BS codependent abuse masquerading as intimacy all over the place--the deception is lethal. If only we could have more courage to be clear with ourselves and each other about who we really are and what's really going on.

[@rioseven7306]

I watched this video a few hours after I had almost the identical conversation with a friend. In her case, the question she was asking was “does he love me?” Like you, my response was “it doesn’t matter.” If someone treats you like shit and the situation is toxic, you feel like you are going crazy, and you are always unhappy, then whether the person loves you or not, is irrelevant. I would even say, your love for them is also irrelevant. The most important relationship you have is with YOURSELF. Realize that, believe that, and it will transform your life.

[@louisegarner8888]

The truth is everyone is capable of hurting us and conflict is inevitable to balance things out. We just need to pick our poison wisely, choosing who is really worth suffering for, grow a thicker skin, get educated on and up our conflict resolution and empathic comm. skills then use them, know ourselves and others we're close to well, stay true to our and their pre-agreed upon limits, boundaries, values and standards, be lovingly grateful for what we do have that's working, put in the effort to resolve what's not and know when and how to end things as respectfully as possible by taking no shit but doing no harm. 💝👁️💝✌️

[@Kristel280]

Good answer

[@auntyboomer6531]

Brilliant synthesis, thankyou

[@autisticautumn7379]

The continual lying from people who are supposed to be 'freinds' has left me with the only option but to walk away .I'd decided this before I watched this video however, watching it helped me confirm those decisions are right for me .

[@marinahendou8517]

7:24 This man needs to be at the 2023 Academy Awards and be given the frickin Oscar!!! 🤗😊 Richard, right on for calling an ace an ace.

[@johnsmith-ik8il]

The mother of my child is a covert narcissist for sure. I hear narcissism is more common in males but I believe the opposite based upon what I've seen on my time on the planet.

[@blacksea1726]

This is a very closed mind view! Most of us, unless doing a lot of shadow work, healing of the wounded child and trauma, we tend to be attracted and attract the same type of person! And since you presumably are heterosexual, you probably are attracted to the same type of woman! I thought the same about men, but a fee years of intense work on myself, I found myself connected with different type of men! It is not a 180 change…but a lot better and more honest, straightforward kind of men! No manipulation involved!

[@johnsmith-ik8il]

@@blacksea1726 comment makes no sense whatsoever.

[@BrillGirl82]

@@johnsmith-ik8il yeah it does. They’re saying that until we do our healing work, we’ll keep getting with the same kind of people, and maybe that’s why you see women the way you do.

[@johnsmith-ik8il]

@@BrillGirl82 I done so much research on narcissistic personality disorder that I can smell them coming from a mile away and, therefore, I am good with my own company so speak for yourself but I won't. Don't try and point me as a woman hater. I love good women like a love good people.

[@lamentate07]

@@BrillGirl82 Narc women are like caricatures of normal women. For women, avoiding narcs is learning to 'unlearn', so to speak, their attraction to alpha males (as most male narcs are grandiose).

[@RoyaForever]

Getting a narcissistic diagnosis can be important to gain understanding of the traits and strategies of narcissists so they can be avoided in the future. It’s also important to understand the abuse wasn’t personal. It also helps to find language for what’s happening and to find out what’s coming next and be prepared for it, (for example hoovering.). Being able to diagnose a narcissist in my life set me on the path to healing. I wasn’t being abused because I was a bad person, I was being abused because this person is narcissistic and narcissism is incurable. It did give me permission to leave, like you say, and I was so broken I needed that permission. I couldn’t give it to myself. Love your videos honestly I love hearing you talk. Thanks for your work Richard. You speak from experience and that’s valuable.

[@RoyaForever]

@@spicyskyraisin7745 of course I take responsibility for my part in engaging in a toxic and damaging relationship. I’ve lived the experience and understanding the resources that were available to me once I uncovered what was happening was like finding a treasure. I was so engulfed in the pattern of love bombong defamation and discard I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. What worked for me was when a therapist told me what this was. That’s when I got the perspective and information I needed to move on. Understanding that no contact is the only solution etc.. there’s nothing wrong with understanding what you’re dealing with.

[@teranyan]

Of course the abuse was personal. They CHOSE to abuse you instead of other people.

[@RoyaForever]

@@teranyan they didn’t become a narcissist because of you. That’s what I mean by not personal. They will abuse the next person and the person after that in the same way. You did not cause narcissism you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. Their behavior has nothing to do with you. You are not to blame. But maybe after the dust settles, we can look at why we were engaging with a narcissistic person. But there is no blame and no shame in being abused by someone. That’s their mess.

[@steve4524]

After my break up I googled controlling and manipulative. Damn my whole reality changed. Very painful experience. Lesson learnt

[@Ipdex]

Likewise man, likewise..

[@aliross2720]

" I googled controlling and manipulative"...l Yes, that will do it! The word manipulate means "to manage or utilize skillfully." It can also mean "to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage." These two meanings are not really different. One has more negative connotations, but they both mean the same thing: using something (or someone) as a tool for your own benefit, or to your advantage. This is exactly what pathologically narcissistic people do to others. Narcissistic people manipulate others in many ways, using many different types of techniques. There are narcissists that present themselves as victims for sympathy, there are narcissists who present themselves as bullies to intimidate or inspire fear. There are narcissistic people who use punishment or reward to get what they want. There are narcissists who lie, who cheat, who steal and worse, all in the name of control. That is the name of the game here: control. Narcissists manipulate others in order to control them. They may be doing it consciously or subconsciously, but the reason is always the same. Not only does this boost their ego and make them feel powerful, but it alleviates the constant fear they have of being weak and controlled themselves. Narcissistic people are not able to create or regulate their own self-worth. They rely on other people to supply them with a constant stream of attention, energy, esteem, whatever you want to call it. The desire to control people stems from the fact that narcissists need to make sure other people stay in the position the narcissist needs them in and continue doing what the narcissist needs them to do. As they are often unable to confront their own feelings directly, may be unable to articulate their own needs and may even be unaware of their own basic needs, the only way they can communicate these needs to others is through manipulation. It is the same thing we see with children. They are unable to articulate what they need and so they push emotional buttons to get it instead. Pathologically narcissistic people have never developed the ability to care for or even understand their own emotional needs and they are totally reliant on others to take care of this for them. They live in fear that they will not get their needs met, and they believe if they don't trick, lie, manipulate and control people, they will not get what they need. This is what they've learned in their lives and it's really the only way they can relate to others. They see other people as objects that they own and use when they need them. This isn't really something they're doing on purpose, exactly. It's not like they could relate to other people differently but they just won't. There is no other way for them to operate. This is how they are. In the same way that you don't understand how anyone could see other humans as objects, they don't understand what you're talking about when you are trying to make them understand that you have your own feelings, needs, wants or anything else. How can that be when they own you? When people that narcissists feel they own start asserting their own needs and their rights as individuals, narcissists often find this very threatening. It is a betrayal and a rejection. They attempt to bring the person back in line and back under control using manipulation. They may lie, cry, scream, threaten, bully, attack, apologize, promise, beg and more. The other person's needs are not important. The other person's rights are not important. The other person's pain is not important. What's important is that the narcissist not be required to somehow go without anything for any reason. Whatever they have to do in order to assure themselves that this does not happen is what they will do. If it's saying I love you, fine. If it's saying I hate you, fine. If it's threatening to kill you, fine. If it's threatening to kill themselves, fine. Whatever they have to do, they will do. Manipulation of all kinds is the main way that pathologically narcissistic people relate to others. It's how they have learned to get their needs met and has become automatic for most of them by the time they are adults. Other people are used for very specific purposes and the way these people are being used will be reflected in the way they are manipulated. For example, people who are being utilized in a smear campaign against someone will be fed misinformation about the victim and about the narcissist in an effort to influence the way they think and control the way they feel about the situation. People who are being utilized as suppliers of sympathetic attention will be told sob stories and others will be demonized in these stories in order to present the narcissist as a victim. People who are being utilized as targets of rage will be bullied, threatened and picked on. In this way, the narcissist endeavors to use others to meet their needs in the only way they know how and by now, it is the only way they care to know - because it works. The way to fight manipulation by narcissistic people is not to buy into it. You have to work on being strong enough to hold on to your boundaries and not let people push past them. People often have trouble with boundaries because of fear. They may be afraid the narcissist will leave them, or that the narcissist will rage. They may fear the narcissist's repeated suicide attempts or that the narcissist will ghost them and disappear for days. They may fear rejection from the narcissist. They may fear the narcissist will leave them with nothing, or force them to leave the home. There are many different reasons a person might allow others to mistreat them. However, this is never OK. In a healthy relationship, people are not forced to give up their self-respect or compromise their integrity to make the other person happy. The relationship with a narcissist is a fraud. People are presented with a choice that is not really a choice at all. The implication is that if you do what the narcissist wants, you will not be punished. This is not the reality. The reality is that you are going to be mistreated regardless of what you do. Instead of taking responsibility for the narcissist's needs - which is doomed to failure, by the way - try to work on your self-esteem and self-worth so that you can learn to create strong boundaries. People treat us how we allow them to treat us and you can learn to stop allowing them treat you in ways that you don't deserve. If you can learn to improve your self-esteem and practice good self-care, there will come a day where you can't believe you ever thought being abused was better than being alone.

[@aliross2720]

It's not uncommon for people in relationships with narcissists to feel as though the narcissist in their lives thinks they own them. They may take your things without asking, speak for you, insist on a detailed accounting of everything you've done, require permission for things and any number of other controlling, possessive behaviors. This is largely due to the fact that narcissists cannot separate themselves from the world around them. Everything is seen as a part of themselves, like how very small children see things. If they see something they want, they just take it. It's a very simplistic and immature view. This is why no matter how many times you will say, "This is mine, please ask me before you use it or take it," they won't. Why should they have to ask? Everything they see belongs to them. This includes you. It's kind of like the way you see your arms and legs. They are yours, you use them. You don't think overly much about them. Narcissists take for granted that what they want is theirs and always will be. This is one reason rejection hits them so hard. It disrupts that way of thinking. It shoots holes in that belief, and they react very negatively to it. If a toddler takes a candy bar from the shelf and tries to leave the store with it, you stop them. When you do that, they start crying because they want it and they don't understand why they can't have it. Narcissists basically react the same way. It's a reaction of loss and rage created by the inability to understand that not everything belongs to them. Part of the reason for this feeling of ownership also comes from enmeshment. Narcissists enmesh themselves with people. It's the only way they know how to bond. Enmeshment is when the boundaries between two people are so poor that it becomes difficult for people to tell where their individual self begins and the other person ends. This results in the narcissist taking over the other person, asserting their needs in place of the other person's needs and trying to steal their personality and good qualities, like invasion of the body snatchers. When this happens, it increases the feeling of possession and ownership the narcissist has over the other person. And why wouldn't it? They've essentially taken over everything but the person's physical body. Some of the more overt narcissists even try to do that, creating rules and protocols for how the other person is supposed to talk, think, dress and behave. It is for these reasons that narcissists can become very distressed at autonomous action or individuality by people they believe they own. That's not in the script. The people around narcissists are not supposed to do things that the narcissist does not agree with or is not involved in. If they do, the narcissist often takes it as a threat and a rejection, endeavoring to destroy this individuality completely. People might say, "Well, how can it be a threat or a rejection if it has nothing to do with the narcissist?" That's the threat. That's why it's a rejection: because it has nothing to do with them, or because they were not consulted or whatever. Pathologically narcissistic people live in a world that revolves around them. Everything and everyone exists for them. They feel no hesitation about taking things, using things or people because they feel it is their right to do so, and no amount of explaining will make them understand that it's not OK. You can tell them over and over again and it won't make a bit of difference.

[@TyhlerNovac]

My girlfriend likes to blame and be hypocritical and thinks it's ok to talk bout her ex . But when I brought an ex girlfriend she had to instantly have a compare a story ..she will do this even when asked not to speak about ex's and she thinks she is the smartest person in the room .. how can I help direct her towards a more positive attitude ? And not be so toxic

[@ScottWebb27]

This is now one of my boundaries, if you continue to consistenly mention your ex, story or just their name, then you're not over them and I am out!

[@ld3418]

"Time is the most precious resource you have." 63 years with mother and father narcissists, husband narcissist and 32 yr old son recently blossomed into full fledge abusive narcissist, I concur. "Can I have a do over?" "No, sorry, mate. That's your life."⌚Tic-toc.

[@Magnanimous17]

Thank you for the wake-up call. I needed it.❤

[@teykpek9622]

you need to get counseling

[@realtruth3762]

So sorry to hear that😢 men are statistically way more often narcissists than women, the title shouldnt have been directed against women

[@victoralove2506]

There it is! Go with how you feel!! Simple!

[@fightswithspirits915]

I dated her for a year. One day I told her, "You do know we have never made love, right." She grunts, "uh huh." We said, " I love you." to each other. There was no love. Not possible to love her. Nothing sincere or loving present.

[@plumduff3303]

I know that feeling pal

[@GASHPAN]

Thank you for this video. I hope for the people that "stumble" across this, or find their way to this, that they take the time to watch this more than once and really consider your words carefully and take time out to review their "situation". Set healthy and reasonable boundaries.

[@kismypencek6185]

Thanks for untwisting kinks in my brain!!! This released a lot of back tension apparently i was holding onto surrounding exs!!!

[@Monarch513]

I really needed to hear this… It is true that it is all about my own boundaries and what I will allow or not allow. Thank you Richard. You have helped again and again.

[@trojan403]

Me too... I didn't even know what boundaries where before all that I went through. Suffice to say, I have them now

[@avatar4926]

I agree fully to what you say. However, I think it may be an easier way out of the relationship to realize that yes, this is probably narcissistic abuse and then leave.Step 2 to work on healing. Your proposal would be the preferred one but may demand more of the individual.

[@nadiahassan6228]

“If we’re too far away from my vision of a relationship, it has to be dissolved.”

[@Chris-dw7gq]

Problem is most likely we didn't feel safe as children and "we" meet others who aren't safe, but unfortunately, we have no functional compass other than "work it for love." If the current relationship is a blurry safety (better than we have known), we "gaslight" ourselves to accept the quasi safety situation after being confused. Plus, we have bought into the idea we need to communicate better based on counseling principles. We are responsible. Circular. I told my guy I can't continue since we have triggers and we can't resolve them. (Well, stonewalled to not discuss anything about the dynamics. ) Love your global philosophical/social/cultural view.

[@benf1111]

Wow....I feel like you described my situation. I always felt so alone on my relationship experiences to the point it made me feel crazy. There's comfort knowing I am not alone on this experience.

[@DKTUBS]

Thank you. The problem is these types of people make good people question themselves because they are seasoned in playing mental games with others. If you feel like you are being toyed with but never can get to the core of it in conversation with your partner then i think its time to give up and leave to save yourself. I wasted 2 years trying and all i got was wasted time and no answers.

[@jasonbrowning546]

This is my new lengthy mantra🙏💚🙌big thankyou Richard for your sensible Words of wisdom

[@yutaw6463]

Is it just me or did he turn into Jordan Peterson or Kermit the Frog at 7:22 ? LOL

[@JonJCairns]

definitely a comment with subtext yep

[@ThroughtheAbyss14]

Hands down one of the best videos I've come across in a while. It's crucial to understand how our time and energy is important and simply handing it out to people to straight up abuse it, is extremely dangerous. It sucks the life out of you and while you sit there weighing the logistics, your whole life goes by. You loose precious time over people who fail to acknowledge their lack of responsibility and you end up suffering the burden of being a reasonable human.

[@janfarman7629]

Thank you for this video. It's actually made me realise the part I played in losing the love of my life. I started off googling, "is my boyfriend a narcissist". Listening to you, he isn't. He just had high standards. Set high boundaries, which I now see, I broke several times. I never cheated on him, would never do that, just that what wasn't important to me, was to him. My standards, were obviously much lower, what upset him, wasn't upsetting me. So he called time. I now understand what he had been trying to explain to me. But it's history now. My fault. There is no way he will entertain me ever again, because he doesn't trust my judgement on things, we think differently. We were so good together in so many other ways, but my logic wasn't his. So, thank you for making me see and understand this.

[@sparky24k]

I'll date you. I'm tall.

[@donce666]

And there is nothing more to it - dont feel good in a relationship and it keeps repeating for days, months, years? Leave.

[@orthodoxchristiansupply8043]

I have listened to nearly everything on this topic, read endless articles, exhausted countless hours begging to find some relief, some consolation, some momentum, some relief from the confusion… This, THIS, is the answer and the absolute best perspective. Thank you man, I want you to know that I appreciate you forcing me to look at the reality of my situation. I am truly grateful for this post, you have really helped me! I am a philosophy major and somehow still could not untangle the knot of abuse I found myself trapped in… thank you, this was the obvious slap in the face that I needed!

[@trudiatherton1633]

Thanks Richard. Great video, I think for me I wanted too know if X was a narcissist so I could understand what the F was happening here. Understanding that wasn’t going to ease his grip , it was just a help in moving away from him and understanding the situation. My X made me feel safe, and I didn’t ‘know’ he was lying to me, their games are so confusing. I don’t know what question I would ask myself and respond negatively too because he was so super subtle. I just found for me it was about peeling the layers back and getting my thoughts straight. Look out for yourselves people .

[@axiomic]

TBH, I don't think JBP is the go to for people still dealing with their trauma. He's the best for a person who wants to take personal responsibility and to behave like a responsible adult out in the world. If you're an adult still dealing with a wounded inner child - which is a humbling experience to confront - then seek guidance from someone like Gabor Maté.

[@mimio8278]

Hey , again. I actually disagree, I think telling people to take responsibility can be nothing but beneficial even if we are suffering from trauma. i think part of the issue with codependents not healing is the fact we have a subconscious tendency to blame everything on childhood trauma. When I was talking to a guy on here the other day and he said everything is an action and reaction. You might be traumatised but the trauma cannot make you do anything. Only you can. You and your trauma are not the same thing. i think people need to cut themselves of from there trauma . And label it as not part of them as an individual. Therefore using trauma as an excuse is no longer on the table. It gives people alot more self agency and control. Instead of ‘ I did this because I was traumatised’ it should be ‘ I did this’ and I suffer with trauma. I think part of Richard Grannon’s problem is he cannot separate himself as an individual from his experiences your not a codependent your taking the role of a codependent.

[@axiomic]

@@mimio8278 I actually completely agree with you. I have the greatest respect for Jordan Peterson, he's an honest intellectual like no other. And adults do have to heal simultaneously as they operate as better adults in the world. Agreed. Sorry I didn't communicate that in my first comment. Many people operate as half responsible child like adults and feel confronted by what they appear to be JBP's abrasive or harsh approach. And truthfully he can appear that way when talking about international politics, destructive social movements or religion and personal responsibility - things that unfortunately many adults do not have the interest in comprehending, when they should. I somewhat agree with you on Richard Grannon. However I think it is influenced by his personality, high in openness and an INFP. A creative person often dwells on their own internal emotions and trying to have the freedom to explore them. For creative types this is where motivation and inspiration is most often drawn from. But Richard has evolved and does have an inner JBP.. I feel he's tempering himself partly for his audience, perhaps many adult-childs who despise JBP. Btw, I am looking forward to attending a JBP talk later this year.

[@axiomic]

@@mimio8278 my message wasn't deleted again was it?

[@mimio8278]

Did you hear the story about the Greek woman who he had a romantic encounter with and then the next day decided to ignore. Because they had some disagreement over something. This is how childish Grannon actually is. And how he lacks adult communication skills. With no nuance ability to think about anything, everything is black and white. And because he’s selfish and egotistical, everyone else has to suffer because of it. And he’s doing this to people who are already traumatized and vulnerable. Re-traumatising people. At the same time he abuses good people he gets himself into relationships with narcissists. The same people he tells everyone else to avoid. Somehow narcissists are unavoidable to him. But good people are. Just as long as the narcissist doesn’t disagree with him and feeds his ego, I guess all is okay. He’s a borderline himself for sure. It explains why he has 10 times more confidence than the average person who has cptsd. Half of it is a fake persona. Some people may have gone to a dark mental place because of this and may have done regrettable things because of his bullying. Him splitting on them , is traumatic enough.But then ghosting them at the same time is a form of control and abuse. It’s also common practice for borderline’s. I’m not saying he is one. I’m saying he acts like one in my opinion and my opinion only. No your message is still up and no i don’t think he’s an infp. I’m an infp we are peace makers and bridge builders we don’t wanna prolonge peoples suffering by ignoring them. That’s just not what infps are like. We are easy to get on with. And open minded and as you said creative. He steals other peoples ideas. That’s hardly creative. When I was on here he would use my comments for entertainment purposes because they were good comments but then hate and laugh at me as a person.

[@mimio8278]

@@FromThe3021 btw I don’t want GRANNON CANCELLED. I NEVER said that you absolute divvy. So your not just a gaslighting moron but your pretty stupid as well. I won’t cancel him but I will tell the truth about him for sure. And even if he helped, people how does that somehow balance out the evil he has done. If someone killed someone and did a bunch of good things would that make them good. Your argument has zero logical sense and you sound like some wacko borderline who idolises RG or your on some sort of drugs. Fk you , his followers bullying-me was the reason I nearly died recently. But I guess none of you care because your all complete psychopaths.

[@JROC2112]

How many times do you want to take that abuse 😞 After 24 years I realised that was enough. Thanks for the great videos and talks. It really helps make sense of my new relationship which is loving, kind and respectful.

[@telihawk]

that is too long. I am at year 16, I have the saviour complex and still struggling to escape my bad relationship. How can you cope with actually losing a lifetime?

[@neon_dex42]

@@telihawk 5 years in and having the saviour complex as well. I feel trapped.

[@telihawk]

@@neon_dex42 you need to get out. Everything is in our heads. They don't need us, they will survive without us. I am sure you feel weak yourself. You don't need her either. Trust me it will feel worse and worse. Break up and deal with your weaknesses

[@Brian-zc2ip]

My instincts ha e been trying to tell me this for the last year or more. Ruminating and investigating over my last failed relationship. I needed to hear someone else say it. Thanks Richard.

[@shadowsbruther]

The end was f great mate. Thank you!

[@CraigBozUK]

The amount of online narcissist gurus out there means at least one of them will affirm your belief that your ex was a dangerous predator of some description. Once you have that diagnosis, you can then absolve yourself of any responsibility for why the relationship failed.

[@JonJCairns]

You're absolutely right mate, self awareness is bottomless, everyone is a bit narcissist grandiose and covert, life used to be easier when just the fruit was judged, not only the motivations behind the fruiting.

[@mimio8278]

I agree. I’m glad to see many men and women waking up from the role of victim. We were an active participant in are own self destruction and we cannot run away from that fact.

[@CraigBozUK]

@@mimio8278 exactly. I started off blaming my ex 100%. I was convinced she was just a hysterical borderline. It was only when I started accepting my own toxic and narcissistic traits that I started to really feel better and have better relationships.

[@lamentate07]

@@CraigBozUK Great. Not all of us have the same problems as you though. There is a lot of legitimate helpful information online. Most of us rarely come across these types anyway, so when we do, it's a real shock.

[@ScottWebb27]

I turned a blind eye. I made mistakes. I gave her reactions to the bait she put out. I allowed her to get away with seemingly small things that are actually very telling of somoenes overall character. I needed better defined values, boundaries, and limits. But I also needed to stick to them. If I had, it would have ended at 1.5-2 months in when my intuition started going off. I allowed it, and enabled it, and I am not a victim. I am the reason it went on for 10 months and why it failed too. I am glad i still have my life too.

[@danielaom5172]

I think main reason for asking this question is because the narcissist makes you feel like it is you who is looking for bad in relationship and is never happy and doesn't want to work on the relationship. By the time a partner of a narcissist starts asking questions, their faith in their own judgement is very, very low so they look for some kind of validation of their feelings.

[@dyahns]

That Peterson impression was scarily precise 😁

[@kimberlywestbrook3700]

My own EMOTIONAL LITERACY is where I actually needed help. - - - - - - For me, Richard’s courses were a perspective adjustment. - - - - - - I wanted this answer in order to predict if my husband would discard me. I had invested so much & abdicated my agency so thoroughly that I didn’t see the point in changing anything until I realized that once I was completely crushed he was going to leave me anyway. That was my boundary?? - I will outlast the abuse and cling to my marriage vows until he finds a better source of amusement?? I needed the wake up call. What I truly needed was to ‘grow’ me and ask better questions. Thanks Richie!

[@gemmahoang1162]

For me i wasn't confident enough to be in relationship. Ended up protecting myself But after 5 years of healing. I know what I want .

[@truditrudi753]

I have never witnessed any narc and or sociopath who declared they were fixed. I don't love anyone who makes me suffer. Nor do I love them out of some unmet symbiosis, family or otherwise. This coming from a former ppl pleasing, unmapped, uncapped scared human, a composite of something someone told me I was. Get healthy of mind, stay away and continue staying away, don't love out of some duty of dna or little snippets of care. These types never change, period

[@familiamckenziefriend1130]

Richard your videos are like listening to the dad I never had. Thank you. Endlessly.

[@mimi615ville]

Thank you so much. I always love the knowledge & insight I gain from your videos & others like your channel. You made so many strong points & this really needed to be said. Bc when we’re caught up in love with someone who’s emotionally abusive we try to excuse their behavior so we can keep them but we don’t need to get a diagnosis to further keep us with that person by trying to get them help bc only they can make that choice. So we must have boundaries & not allow ourselves to be with someone who doesn’t respect those boundaries. Until we set up boundaries & stick to having them respected, we will keep falling for the same type of emotionally abusive ppl.

[@loosgoos85]

Well said thank you ❤️ there must be a thin line tho between a partner making u feel crappy all the time and expecting a perfect person...? U know. Anyways, hope I don't end up an old spinster 😆

[@norobbery]

I thank my narc-ex every day for leading me back to God, where I am much more grateful for the beauty of nature and its truth and reliability. The birds I feed don't play mind games with me. The trees don't either. I appreciate all the things that I do have and I'm less concerned with what I don't have and might never have. Thank you for your videos!

[@EveningTV]

Excellent! Really appreciated this straight forward and much needed message.

[@HobbitFromTheShires]

Absolutely 💯 ABC Actions/Boundaries/ consequences…..Energy doesn’t lie …. gut instinct: if something or someone doesn’t feel right / good … listen 🙏❤️ I learnt this after pain was my teacher

[@nickpapamallis8369]

Thank you Richard, truly.

[@stuartvalentine2884]

Brilliant analysis, I think social media is a major cause of mental health issues, what started as Emails which was like sending letters that were. Complete individual packages, to SMS which were like detached conversations , you couldn't get and insight to what was joking or serious, insulting , or a complement , or sarcastic or heartfelt, I think the human brain needs real-time body language, facial expressions, tone of voice , to communicate in a natural way,without this the brain fills in the gaps , this can cause conflicts, or misunderstanding, which leads to constant texting to correct,and explaining what you are trying to convey. This is causing a H mobile loop for too many people.

[@ryanmerola9672]

Thank you for your time this has to be One of the best videos I've honestly ever seen. Very well put

[@iren963]

Спасибо Рич,очень помогают твои видео осознать ,с кем ты находишься Благодарю!

[@adrian_V99]

You better leave her if you want to live past 40.

[@gracetoglory5020]

Thankyou so much for all you have shared and continue to share. You have contributed in my healing journey and I am grateful. The journey continues and I'm not where I once was but in the forward moving process I've come to see what helps and what doesn't, you help. Thankyou 🌷

[@Chris-dw7gq]

Agree about terms. I think we misdiagnose. Just leave if no safety physically, verbally, no kindness, no reliability, lying,, fraud and etc... Agree psychologically & morally it's deep to bond! Not a skipping experience. Ya , no blame, not like I hear from other sites or others.

[@vonderloo3184]

My dog would love that chair to share with me. He currently is wedged in my single person recliner with me. He isnt a small dog, but not large either. I guess I will never find a whitty, wise, & charismatic man in the U.S. like Richard Grannon. Sigh.

[@JonJCairns]

but Vonder Loo how would you feel if you won the war?

[@vonderloo3184]

@@JonJCairns war? Ehhh I no longer care for "war battles" in any relationship. I have boundaries in my maturity now. AND emotional literacy. Ive gotten tons of self reflection, cbt's, self hypnosis like redirection, "donkey balls". I run if there would be a "war". Its too exhausting to play mental games.

[@LaLa-yp6dk]

But the love of a dog is pure🫶

[@madguruJ]

Just try leaving her even if you’re unsure, it’s a free country, you’ll probably find after a surprisingly short period that you are happier, and if not just find someone better

[@Lichenroc]

In the end of the day if your partner being a narcissist or not doesn't matter it's how you feel.

[@imperfectillustration6261]

The struggle for me is that I don’t want want to give up on someone who may just have poor communication skills. But then I realize that that is just me not setting tight enough boundaries and not loving myself enough to not tolerate any kind of mistreatment no matter the level.

[@benf1111]

I feel this. At a certain point, the reasons don't matter. Only how they're treating you and how you feel with them. Reasons only matter if, under their own initiative, they are seeking out ways to work on themselves and the "reasons."

[@rustammammadli701]

Listening to this has gave me such a relief, thank you!

[@aramismorales431]

There’s always evidence if you look for it!

[@MrBenjaminkruegereu]

Yet again a great Richard Grannon sermon.Thanks.

[@morpheusmurphy3921]

Omg that impression 😆 The whole thing was really good and I agree, People should not need that diagnosis to put that boundary down and not stay being abused if they realize what is happening, I hope more people will think about that and choose to go and be away from the abuse. I used to support that guy more because people tend to twist the things he says but I feel he has become pushy and doestendvto put his religious views into how people should be more often now.. Guessing you also noticed that too.

[@LavendLady]

The point is, how would someone know to "lay down the boundary" with the Narcissist when the Narcissists ENTIRE GOAL is to mind fuck you and get you SO CONFUSED to where you cannot think straight. In that mindset, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE ISOLATED BY THEM, there is no way in hell to put down a boundary. Shit, if you are not fully aware of the disorder or what a Narcissist is, you won't even know that what they're doing to you is wrong. You will only know that it's causing you immense pain and deeply traumatizing you because none of anything regarding them makes any sense! What it really calls for the victim to have a backbone and knowing when to say enough is enough and taking action to either leave or to call the authorities when THEY (the Narcissist) oversteps.i think the most vital thing to mention here IS the question about your own safety. If you do not feel safe, get the hell away from the person making you feel that way! There should be no connection with someone who has NPD. As they will always intend on causing you pain and hurt and will always intend to destroy you in some form. It's just who they are.

[@martinbrousseau2560]

Emotional abuse leaves scares visible through looking, feeling n listening for meaning.

[@mariotibbrine1]

Everyone is different some people like cake and some people like pie or cookies . Some folks dominate and some are submissive . Some follow and some lead. Can your personalities compromise can you communicate and maintain boundaries with respect and do these things mutually?

[@davekumarr]

Thank ypu for this brilliant & compelling presentation Richard. I appreciate all your other work too.

[@plumduff3303]

My female ex hurt me physically and mentally then i left.

[@AT-mx8nb]

All of the other videos I’ve seen on this channel are great knowledge, great for understanding the mechanics of personality and NPD. THIS video, is great wisdom. I believe there is a lot of fear in a few things that leads people to seeking a label to put on their significant other.. 1. The fear of being alone, I’m not gonna go be alone until I know for sure this person is a *insert label* 2. People are trying to measure and make sense of the good vs bad, does the good outweigh the bad, is this person a *insert label* or do they just have struggles with certain things 3. The same reason we label our pantry or storage boxes, it adds clarity to what is. In a way it all boils down to gaining clarity and understanding, and this video simplifies it in a way that makes it easier and more reasonable to asses. Thank you.

[@nickf2170]

It is clearly on the rise, that is more than obvious. The problem for men, is the covert female narcissist. They are very skilled in playing you up, while injecting just the right amount of being in need of you and your never before seen skills. Men get literally hooked, like a fish. And after you have made your investments in them, that is when the devaluing starts. Until one day, you will find yourself abruptly discarded, and she will have quickly replaced you with her next unsuspecting victim. Know the signs, and end these relationships quickly, and never allow yourself to be hoovered back in to that mess.

[@Kolby2004]

Absolutely, love when you do your Jordan Peterson impersonation! I laugh every time you do it! Thanks, Richard, for sharing as you are helping more people than you realize!

[@tygarspace1754]

Even for friendships this is true

[@Peaches328]

Wow The best advice Life is short and you can't get time you have wasted back, it's gone Yeah this is the age of liberalism and a loss of morals and of right and wrong I think loneliness plays into too There are a lot of lonely ppl and sometimes ppl lose their better sense bc we don't want to be alone Someone is better than no one, kind of 👎 Until like you said, "Why do I feel like I'm going crazy in this relationship" We can lose our boundaries easily when we want to be loved I enjoy your videos Food for thought 👍👍

[@joee95]

I’ve noticed if you show any indication at all of leaving (even a little assertiveness, defiance), they will have someone else behind the scenes who’s already replaced you. They also make passive-aggressive comments, digs, and insults. When you call them out on it they play dumb, deny it and do a 180 in behaviour acting sarcastically loving, condescending. And you get wound up and confused from being dismissed , as they act totally oblivious to what they previously said like it was in your imagination and you're trying to show them they’re being hurtful or belittling, also when you make a valid point in a calm way they say I’m not arguing with you or they exaggerate what you said and make out you’re attack them as a way to change the subject because they’ve been caught out. Then just as you reach boiling point and in complete mental confusion, they give you the silent treatment or block you because it’s your fault that you weren’t making sense and getting frustrated with them . Not because they were joking or insulting you, they were planting the seed of doubt in your perception of reality, watching you squirm and trying to resist their f"ckery as they watch in silence. Then later, when you are alone, comes the denial faze, anger , bargaining (if you try talk to them again) depression then acceptance .

[@bryanphillips-t1c]

your like the rise old man, and talk such truth but are honest enough to admit you dont care

[@CorvusCoroneCanisLupusSawel]

Great words. Such eloquence. Bravo, sir

[@aidanjohnwalsh2129]

I try to watch Richard's videos, but all I really hear is... 😍

[@Heligany]

I dated a guy, in my twenties, who I came to believe was schizophrenic. He eventually went to counselling but stopped after the counsellor told him something he didnt like (that was how he described it to me) and I said "Did she tell you you were schizophrenic" and the look on his face... he was like "How did you know that?" As you say though the diagnosis is irrelevant in terms of if the relationship is going to continue. I believe another of my exs got involved with a narcissist; he was pretty miserable. I think there were things about him that meant he was drawn into that though.... maybe borderline personality disorder.... so what on earth can be done about that, almost no point in leaving if he had a strong tendency to pick that again. You can have all the theories you want, professional or lay guessing, but people will do what they were going to befiore you started to try to work out why LOL

[@majorbloodnok6659]

Thank you, I found that very helpful.

[@Iamprotected44-l1h]

I like where u mention it doesn’t matter if its diagnosed or not like bro a toxic relationship is toxic regardless if theres labels or not

[@ukaszszpala7030]

I wish you could have a debate with Jordan Peterson on how to live, because he seems to make quite a good point that there is a proper way to live, he makes pretty good arguments for why. Why some moral values have to be upheld, why we have to take some responsibility for our actions, and he warns of the severe consequences to your life if you don't. And it doesn't seem at all ambivalent how you live your life, or conduct yourself. It seems we are capable of making our lives a living hell and there is no bottom to it, because there is always some stupid thing that we can do, or be done to, to make it worse.

[@Kestrel99]

Take into consideration that Life Coaches are not Mental Health Professionals but they will tell you about their Narcissistic Ex partner even though their Ex was not likely diagnosed. You can read The DSM yourself and draw your own conclusions. Another excellent way is read Dangerous Personalities and take the test in the book. My friend who is a mental health professional told me my Ex is normal and invalidated my entire experience even though my Ex scored triple what the book listed as someone who is not capable of a healthy relationship. Boyfriends before and after stated the same thing concerning her "POS"! Sometimes just walking away from someone isn't enough because it doesn't make sense until we educate ourselves.

[@brentspellmeyer8943]

I like so much of what this man is saying. I'm hear in a sort to clarify some of my hindsight and experience with a friend. For seven years I was with a woman who has BPD which is cluster B disorder same as narcissist but sometimes worst. Although I'm not going expert neither but as this man says it doesn't matter if the person is or not if they aren't analyzed by a professional. For years I put up with a lot which my reasoning was we had 2 children over this rocky period. While on way to doctor with our first child for a checkup I'd been already worked up and observed so much behavior prior that I asked in front of her mom God grief are you borderline or something? Her mom immediately responded with hey you can't say something like that it's very serious only a psychiatrist can throw that around. During the appointment the obgyn had said that they had to offer post partem counseling due to seeing BPD on her medical records..... I stated at her and her mom ... I went off and on for years all whilst going through so much having 2 total kids during this rollercoaster. She ended up taking kids keeping from me making things up etc. I remember being so hurt that someone could be so cold and not always seeing it for what it was was trying tell ppl my sob story and how she truly was and then over time I realized I was definitely f-nng right but it doesnt matter who knows what go believes who doesn't. I still had to look inward end of the day about myself and what my issues were that allowed me to tolerate such I dare say abuse for so long.... I definitely got plenty of issues of my own if I was allowing this to be time after time entertained and just wanting it to work for my kids soon was not a good enough excuse maybe it was partially it but it wasn't all. Moral of this is at the end of it all dwelling on these type of ppl is so draining and disgusting in it's. Over time you heal to the point that even when you see them you have them figured so well they can sense it and will not test you anymore. I eventually got my kids from her and all things ppl and friends said were so much more understood looking back ppl don't always know what to say but we also don't want to hear a lot either, I thought at one point I could get her to work on it be supportive and make it work. That may be possible but in my situation definitely was overly invested. I ppl like this will hurt you every chance they get due to themselves and what they have inside. Stay above it and run if you keep second guessing it. Also sometimes ppl in general can display certain traits and not necessarily have one these disorders as well so in a sense it's not for us to label and point so much all time or invest too much when there are many factors. Just move on and heal. I have since though witnessed year after year the same patterns with my kids mother so now ppl who pay attention already know and those who don't time and time again go through it with her. One of her exes call d me after a year or two and said I what's wrong with this chick and I said whose this but he just said nevermind obviously feeling silly himself I then realized it was the dude I knew years ago that got sucked in hitting me up feeling it lol. I still see guys crying about her on FB one even called me recently asking if she was a good mom cause he was simgle dad talking to her and noticed onliney name and custody order. I had to tell him man it could be biased you asking me as her ex but I could tell he had good intent. So told him like it was that she was in relationship currently and her family has told me she keeps getting into it with that guy and doesn't make effort to do much with kids all while trying to get you hooked at the same time. The guys said thanks and was like maybe we can go for a beer sometime lol... Just feels good not having to be in that mess anymore and sometimes we have to work through our own past to see why we had been drawn into such a mess and learn from it. I really went on a rant here smh 😅, but lastly to add to the last part some ppl may just be on a different page and moving past gives both a chance to grow and live or not if they truly are in these categories who knows usually you will see in time.

[@Chris-wf2lr]

Grannon it’s a wonderful life. we’ll never be so wonderful, that’s life. “People need the cover of another perfect wonder so white as snow”. Grannon wonder? Is grannon a wonder? Cats only know how to play! Don’t take others seriously unless respectful but fundamentally they don’t take any other seriously. Only themselves. That’s why grannon such a wonder. That’s why grannon very enlightened.

[@savvyinfo9762]

I agree with him lol toxic relationship with narcissist is really different you will tell right away I knew something was off very quick … but for me I gave three strikes because she installed how sad and how she’s victim in my head and that’s how it lasted for 8 months , in my my mind I broke up with her like three times but she keep going back until one day I saw something about narcissist and totally clicked in my head that she wasn’t normal all the descriptions met her .. victim always and hate everyone including parents , lying about her family and how friends treat her , very manipulative, extremely sensitive, wants only her opinion, does not see boundaries

[@tinachawner315]

Too much medicalisation of “problems”. Really agree with your talk which discussed how cultural preferences actually can be dressed up as personality disorder by the lay press. PD is not common really but complex trauma is. So is the breakdown of society and the usual boundaries are changing. Btw I’m a forensic psychiatrist