An Abusive Partner versus a Loving Partner

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[@stephenclayton7052]

Id love to find another partner but it's hard to trust again. Staying longer in a relationship that you know your partner is not invested in it sucks all the life from you.

[@theemotionalabusecounselor]

Yes, it can be hard to trust again. But don't give up trying to find trustworthy individuals. There are out there looking for someone they can trust just like you are.

[@gracebe235]

@@theemotionalabusecounselor……When they can hide their true selves for four years into the marriage, then BOOM! It truly is hard to trust again! I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Some of these monsters can play a long game to get you into a position of not being able to afford to get away.

[@13RafaEl777]

Give yourself time and find yourself first so you are firmly yourself so you will be not deceived again. Then the right person will appear naturally without you noticing it. When you stop focusing on searching for them. 🤗 God bless! ✨️

[@pheebe5729]

I can’t even imagine the loving emotionally healthy relationship you describe. Can’t even imagine

[@theemotionalabusecounselor]

I'm sorry to hear that you've never experienced an emotionally healthy relationship. I don't know your age, but if you're an adult I hope that you can explore the reasons why your relationships are not loving. We can't choose our family members, but we can draw boundaries to protect ourselves from toxic relationships within our families. Don't hesitate to seek support from a professional counselor.

[@pocahontas4583]

Me either, I’m just glad to be away from the abuser. Every now and then I randomly remember how bad off I was when I first left almost 2 years ago. I was actually physically ill with random issues like inexplicable dizzy spells, chronic back pain, chronic foot pain, high bp, high glucose. All of that has gone away or back to normal since getting away from him. Yet people will tell you to fight to stay in your marriage no matter what. I probably wouldn’t be alive to fight for anything if I hadn’t left.

[@rob_see]

i care deeply about all the people in my life. i have been approached by six women in the last several months, and all but one of those interactions was tedious for me. you cannot win with women. being tender and caring drives them away because they think you are needy. being aloof and distant drives them away because they think you just want sex. i tried different approaches, tried being genuine. nothing works.

[@theemotionalabusecounselor]

It may take a while to find the right person for you. Always be genuine and don't give up on finding someone who appreciates you for who you are. @@rob_see

[@rob_see]

@@theemotionalabusecounselorthank you for the advice. i do agree that being genuine is the only way to find someone who truly appreciates me for me, instead of a mask or false self. take care

[@janedoe5229]

The minute someone makes a joke at my expense, I cut them off from my life. I was in an abusive marriage, and I looked back to see what the very first read flag was, and he used to make insulting little jokes and about me and then laugh it off as a "just a joke". I realized in retrospect that was the tip of the iceberg who someone who does not respect others, and abuses them for the pleasure. After our marriage, he kept saying those things but he was no longer "joking". And it was downhill from there.

[@theemotionalabusecounselor]

I'm sorry you went through an abusive marriage, but it sounds like you've learned the lesson: When someone shows you who they are, believe them. All too often we minimize, excuse, or rationalize abusive behavior towards us. That only invites more of it.

[@rob_see]

i went on a couple of dates with a woman recently. i was on the phone with her tonight asking why she suddenly cancelled our third date, and she began to become verbally abusive towards me about a complete non-issue. i told her i dont use social media and she said "but my phone said you have a snapchat." i repeatedly told her i dont use social media, and she would not listen to me, but kept saying over and over that her phone said i have snapchat, i just admitted to having a snapchat, etcetera. i got frustrated and just said i have to go and hung up. she tried to apologize and ask when my next day off was but her constantly interrupting me and not listening was too much. i wont tolerate that behaviour and i wont accept it as a "shit test" or whatever the internet tries to gaslight me about it. only people who treat me with respect are allowed in my life.

[@theemotionalabusecounselor]

I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with someone who is abusive. Good for you for holding a strong boundary against people who don't treat you with respect.

[@rob_see]

@@theemotionalabusecounselor thank you i appreciate your support. this seems to be a pattern with all of the women i have dealt with in the last several months. it is making me want to just become religious again and follow the Bible, because the internet gaslights me and tells me it's my fault women treat me like this, because i am not masculine enough or something, and psychology tells me i need to be authentic and kind. however, the latter seems to backfire. thus, it appears that only the Bible holds the correct answers about how to behave and how women are in this fallen world. i sincerely tried to deal with them authentically and kindly, and it does not seem to work.

[@mikejohn0088]

She did you a huge favor Rob---you got to see the real thing early on vs. two years from now.

[@somethingsomething2541]

So did u actually have snapchat?

[@Joshneedsnature]

That sounds so wonderful. Praying for this for everyone who has healed enough to want and be this too.

[@mikejohn0088]

I hear ya but unfortunately the majority of the time when you leave one dead end, meaningless relationship, sure as hell your next choice is comparable to what you left. Those "getting to know you" time periods are mostly camouflage where you are being sold on the superficial while the true personality lurks hidden until its snare time.

[@theemotionalabusecounselor]

You're right that individuals are on their best behavior early in the relationship. We must really get to know someone well before we get involved, which means seeing them in all sorts of situations. Very important also to know ourselves well before we enter a relationship, which means knowing our strengths, insecurities, and shortcomings.

[@mikejohn0088]

@@theemotionalabusecounselor ---All true BUT nearly impossible to do. The real person rarely appears until the commitment has been sealed. I always knew my strengths, insecurities, and shortcomings which a freely shared with her at a "Marriage Encounter" back in the 70s. This was exactly what she needed and I believe she used this weekend seminar to fully understand me so knew precisely how to attack. These people are true demons and I lived in constant strive for 14 yrs. but the worse part is two kids suffered the torment too and I can see the consequences in their personalities---she worked on them too and still does.

[@GodsDaughterEmpress]

I believe those traits should also be recognized in the people we call friends. Friends can drain us too if they are toxic and breaking us down in a subtle joking manner.

[@sylhomeo6351]

I spent nearly 40 years with a husband that gaslighted me. I’m 70 now and I have nowhere to go. He is so indifferent to me and it hurts terribly. My own family takes his side and now I feel terribly resentful towards them that I avoid them but my husband doesn’t. They include him but don’t care much for me. It’s taken a toll on my health and I don’t feel self confident. I’m just lucky when I’m not depressed.

[@theemotionalabusecounselor]

I appreciate you sharing your story. I wonder what you are doing to take care of yourself. You must seek out people who can care about you and support you. Don't give up on yourself.

[@chaseroflight]

After thirty years I am just recognizing that I am NOT the problem even though the blame has been put upon me. I have been abandoned in this marriage and am alone. I never dreamt that this is where would find myself as an intelligent well educated woman in her fifties. After investing my adult life in the raising of our children and educating them at home, I am now without personal agency, financial independence, or a support network upon which to lean. Our children were trained well by their father to see me as the problem. The neglect has created vocal responses and outbursts of anger in me which are always considered to be BAD and the source of all trouble. My family is distant as I am an adult orphan. If I could go, I would. I am ready. But autoimmune and rheumatologist disease have further complicated life and have essentially trapped me. I have such empathy for those in similar.positions. Bless.you! Thank you for.sharing your experience; I do not feel like the only one suffering this failure.

[@hoobeydoobey1267]

The difference between going stupid over broad shoulders and choosing wisely.

[@theemotionalabusecounselor]

Well said! Thanks for your comment.

[@grafxgrl8030]

This is what I think of as a soulmate in relationship.

[@debbiedoeshealth]

Easier said than done! Very few men like this out there

[@rob_see]

lol, i doubt that. it's the women that are crazy. care about her. OH YOURE CLINGY/NEEDY. dont care about her. ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS SEX. cant win

[@theemotionalabusecounselor]

I agree that it's not easy to find someone who you want to be with and who also has the capacity to be in a healthy relationship. But there are loving individuals out there just like you who want to love and be loved.

[@michellebacon3117]

Most if my life I've been in emotionally (and some physical) abusive relationships and I'm now 61 years old. I have been single for almost 10 years and find it very peaceful and safe. However, part of me would like to at least find a companion, but I struggle with anxiety about this only; I don’t feel anxiety like this in any other part of my life. I greatly wish I knew the way to get rid of this anxiety which also has caused me to sabotage potential relationships.

[@theemotionalabusecounselor]

Being with an emotionally abusive partner leaves psychological scars that can have a great impact on new relationships. It's understandable that you have anxiety about getting involved with someone again. I recommend getting into therapy to help you heal from your painful experiences and provide you with tools to calm your anxiety. You have every right to find a new partner who is mature and able treat you with love and respect.

[@heatherbowman9450]

320 likes💜💙💚💛🖤

[@Nonfiction.Reader]

❤

[@13RafaEl777]

Thank you. ✨️

[@theemotionalabusecounselor]

Welcome!

[@muhammadsalim3008]

Consider u blessed to get someone genuine after a toxic relation..coz mostly all people cannot trust again

[@theemotionalabusecounselor]

True - It's sometimes hard to trust getting into another relationship after being in an abusive relationship. Learning the lessons from the abusive relationship and getting into therapy can help individuals trust again.

[@mattheww239]

It seems abusive to me for all the blame to be put on one person. No one is perfect.

[@theemotionalabusecounselor]

The only person to blame for treating their partner with emotional abuse is the perpetrator of that abuse.

[@querida1809]

That's Adam's effect. What I meant by That's is from day one. These two people have blamed each other for the choices they made. One blaming the other instead of being unified and taking responsibility and accountability for their actions. Unfortunately, hurt people hurt other people. And some people don't take time to grieve, get some professional advice in order to heal, but continue to bleed on their new partner. And so the cycle continues.