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@suusje0048 ай бұрын
I agree and your not alone
@igormendoncacanga25698 ай бұрын
Thank you for all that you are doing Dr. Jerry Wise. I am using three of your videos as methodological ways to work with my therapist. Wish me good luck sir. Your work is transcending borders for you have a listener even here in southwest Africa (Angola being the country) of all places and that's saying something believe me. You can probably, due to the destitute nature of the african paradigm and with the historicity of colonialism make the assumption/presumption that intergenerational mental illness and narcissistic family dynamics are very prevalent in african societies but people are very ignorant of it and it is hindering our development. I wrote you another comment yesterday in a previous video, I hope you read it sir, I reiterate my gratitude for your work, you explain it so simply which reveals epistemological wisdom in the subject matter you excel at.
@igormendoncacanga25698 ай бұрын
The part about parentification is absolute genius… reveals epistemological genius.
@sararichardson7378 ай бұрын
I’ve learnt to dodge it. I spend the holiday period reading a slew of books from start to finish undisturbed. My ex’s family grew to not expect me to show up on Christmas Day.
@lifeofreilly99437 ай бұрын
I needed to hear this today, thank you👍
@TheREALLibertyOrDeath8 ай бұрын
I have acquaintances that treat me with WAY more respect than my “family”
@Jennifer-dw8hl8 ай бұрын
I've often said friends are life's apology for family.
@pinkazure8088 ай бұрын
So true. Yet, toxic parents tell you that it is those people out there that you must watch out for.
@larryl23988 ай бұрын
@@pinkazure808"They're not friends. They're acquaintances and don't give a ____ about you.'
@honeymoonavenue978 ай бұрын
My whole family has told me repeatedly since I was a child that “friends can get up and leave anyday. Family is blood. That’s the real important thing.”
@Jennifer-dw8hl8 ай бұрын
@@pinkazure808 Yes, while never actually telling you what to watch out for.
@bchristian858 ай бұрын
I hate this time of year. The Christmas season is the time of year society expects your to just coddle your toxic family and it's hard to get around it.
@Corinna_Schuett_GER8 ай бұрын
I would stop this toxic circuit during my 20s after my first years in a new town and employment. I would celebrate a wonderful Christmas dinner and party with friends while leaving my hypocrite parents alone, telling them I was already on ski vacation and not available. It was such a relief and liberating!
@thatbemefool8 ай бұрын
Don’t let it. I’m middle aged and unmarried and trust me, I took my holidays back at least 30 years ago. I REFUSED. I have my own life… The End!
@thatbemefool8 ай бұрын
@@Corinna_Schuett_GER- OMG ME too. I don’t know why people torture themselves.
@aammssaamm8 ай бұрын
and paying for the gifts for everyone. 😂
@forgiven59198 ай бұрын
Yes and all the Hallmark Christmas fantasy family movies come on and its a slap in the face to remind us what we will never get.
@elirien42648 ай бұрын
As children, we were not PERMITTED to set boundaries, and if we did, they were not respected.
@SFVGIRL4 күн бұрын
It is infuriating to them. They tell you you are disrespectful to them as parents.
@PaigeSquared8 ай бұрын
"Conditional love is abusive...you do not trade love for behavior."
@3rdStoneObliterum8 ай бұрын
October 1995 went no contact with my clueless, in denial, emotionally immature, blame shifting, negligent, insecure, unassimilated, verbally abusive, loveless, unlovable "parents", at the age of 31. Best fucking thing I ever did for myself
@Dbb278 ай бұрын
Twenty eight years of peace! Kudos.
@felicitybywater80128 ай бұрын
Me too. At 17. As difficult as it was financially and fending off user men for the next few years, I never regretted it for a second.
@Vixinaful8 ай бұрын
You didnt have any abusive relationships after your family? How did you manage that?
@stevec38928 ай бұрын
Same here and I’m 55
@DonnaChamberson8 ай бұрын
I just hope to get to your point of strength one day. ❤️ Thank you.
@holly_gmTwb8 ай бұрын
One thing that needs to be said over and over: when you think unhealthy is "normal," you will also see healthy as "abnormal," and end up gravitating towards relationships in your own life that feel comfortable... aka "normal." Hence the abuse cycle continues. It took me years to break that cycle. So many years... 😔
@haggai3.4778 ай бұрын
Astute Analysis. Cue the *APPLAUSE*
@Dbb278 ай бұрын
I almost left my current relationship after six months because something didn’t feel right. Fortunately I had done a lot of work on myself after leaving an emotionally unstable relationship. Me, myself and I had a long talk. I figured out that I was so used to drama that I was somehow bored. Twenty years later, I made a good decision.
@choosejoy938 ай бұрын
💯💯💯💯 my husband and his family seemed so weird and "off" to me because they were a truly healthy example!!!! Its mind boggling now looking back. So grateful for my husband's patience with me while I woke up and healed 🙌🏻❤️ they have all been amazing and so supportive!
@SuzyQpip8 ай бұрын
So true! We see healthy as suspect, uncomfortable, it even seems fake.
@GeminiTwinning8 ай бұрын
Screenshotting this comment as a reminder. Thank you. I am 39 just realizing how toxic my family was. Did not know what a boundary was until last year. I used one and my mother just vanished after calling me every name, denial, blaming it all on my dad, and when that didn't work, gaslighting me and telling me I am paranoid. And I did marry a narcissist at 18. Basically my entire life has been nothing but a shitshow.
@lynny55108 ай бұрын
I wasn't allowed to be sad, angry, or even be happy. My father and mother were allowed to be all those things. However I was punished for having any of those feelings. So I learned early to have no emotion and to try to be as invisible as possible.
@amandab2628 ай бұрын
Yeah this seems to be a common theme. Same here.
@kristinm40058 ай бұрын
Same…hope you are doing ok!
@nadiawilliams58657 ай бұрын
Same here. I was punished horribly for showing any emotion. But their rage apparently was okay
@nafeezabolia97247 ай бұрын
Hope you are healing ,and feeling better.
@TheREALLibertyOrDeath6 ай бұрын
I think most people who have been emotionally abused become invisible
@janeprepper1778 ай бұрын
I was not allowed to be sad or angry. I was called horrible 'nick names'. I was the scapegoat no matter what happened. It was pretty bad.😢
@jrg43138 ай бұрын
Yep. If I cried my father would raise his hand and yell at me....quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about. At age 8 I broke my arm, my writing arm. Father wrapped it it with a cloth. I fussed for 2 weeks that it hurt. I was ignored and told to quit whining. It took a teacher who told my parents my arm was broken. Finally got a cast after 2 weeks.
@Michelle_9_278 ай бұрын
My mother would do that to me. Yell at me horribly, I put my head down, she would tell me by yelling to raise my head & say something. When I did, she would tell me to shut up. Everyday I was silenced & was just supposed to accept it. Very mentally abused
@margolane33618 ай бұрын
I'm sorry. I wasn't allowed to be sad, my parents would punish me. I wasn't allowed to be happy or my siblings would tear me down and bully me. I ran off into the woods a lot...
@missstranger76978 ай бұрын
@@Michelle_9_27Same here. Even my older sister would behave that way to me, because our mother had more expectations from her. I admit my sister was treated poorly, but I was treated worse since I was the scapegoat of the family.
@Michelle_9_278 ай бұрын
@@missstranger7697 I’m sorry ♥️
@BugDrivenExplorer8 ай бұрын
I just e-mailed my parents a letter explaining why I want to go NC for a year. It was hard to come to this decision. And my parents responded saying I’m sensitive and that physical and verbal abuse happens in every family. Grateful to have communities like this that remind you to trust the evidence.
@kristinm40058 ай бұрын
This is the fear of attempting to reconcile. Somehow the parent(s) are always the victim and you are always the oversensitive one. Sorry you got that response, hope you have a great 2024!
@antinatalist99958 ай бұрын
When I dumped mine, I got yelled and and told, everyone makes mistakes. Huge relief to have got away from them, but never got away from what they did.
@aunabreslingaming32797 ай бұрын
The this is not their business
@annafirth67387 ай бұрын
Mine would have just ignored the email. Don't know if that's better or worse, but I suppose that's the idea.
@krystalbeth7 ай бұрын
So proud of you ❤️ good job on breaking the cycle. Their behaviour is not normal and is toxic.
@jennashen97 ай бұрын
My mother used to tie me up as a child. Guess she thought I would not remember. One Holiday me and my siblings and I were talking about our childhood. The subject came up about being tied up, and they said it happened to them, too. My mother, to this day, denies it ever happened. The memories of 5 children are all wrong. I have been broken my whole life and did not know why. I'm 54 and am trying to put my life back together.
@TheREALLibertyOrDeath6 ай бұрын
Only God can give us unconditional love. Remember, all have fallen short. All humans are sinners
@HFTLH5 ай бұрын
@libertyordeath8983 that response might be well meant, but it's not helpful. I'm saying this as a believer. Everyone falls short, but not everyone abuses. God loves us with perfect love, but some people ARE capable of healthy and mostly unconditional love, while abusers aren't. I can't imagine reading a story of being tied up by your parent as a young child and thinking "we all fall short" is a helpful response.
@irismckay64725 ай бұрын
I hear up. Keep doing the work that you need to love yourself. If your mother is still narcissistic, feel free to distance yourself. You deserve better. You will heal, just never give up on that beautiful little girl who had to put up with the bs behavior from childhood.
@ednafields75494 ай бұрын
She was tied up as well
@bewarefalsenonprofits4 ай бұрын
You are not alone, I am cusping 57 and have been no contact for years yet haven't done the "Work" to recover. My Sleastack (from Land of the Lost) of a mother began primal screaming and kicked my older sister out of the house with no car keys on a.Christmas when we both dared to remember out loud that she ( alcoholic, schizophrenic, chain smoking.unshaven, greasy headed beast of a woman) picked us up from a birthday party in her underwear. It was raining and all the little girls at the party were waiting at a big picture window for the their parents to drive up. She looked like a diseased cat as she wobbled up the paved path the the front door. I'll never forget feeling as cold as ice and the gasps from the children and then the deafening silence. I remember clinging to the birthday girls Dad and begging him to not make me go with her, because I knew what follow. I'll never forget him physically putting me in the back seat and then leaning in and asking her over and over again if she was OK to drive. He worked for my pathological,. cocaine addict of an Exfather, and was probably terrified losing his job. Sadly, I was already making excuses for my awful Exparents. I remember telling the kids at school that My mom had been swimming and her bikini just looked like underwear.
@mfar30168 ай бұрын
1-verbal abuse (12 subcategories) 2-gaslighting, (making you doubt yourself, lying, manipulation) 3-emotional neglect 4-conditional love 5-parentification (children forced to take on adult responsibilities or caregiving) 6-scapegoating 7-silent treatment
@nadineelizabeth1957 ай бұрын
7/7 marks
@mfar30167 ай бұрын
@@nadineelizabeth195 right there with you. Hugs. Break the cycle.
@dragonqueen43767 ай бұрын
@@mfar3016I broke the cycle after cutting off my mom and work so hard to make sure I don’t become her to my children. I often think what would my mom have done and do the opposite.
@lakiaraduran7 ай бұрын
I have been harmed by all 7. Fuck that. Determined to heal and am making headway with the guidance of a somatic therapist. Many blessings on our process to heal from this awful shit
@clararoberts43347 ай бұрын
Your comment reaaaaaaalllyyyy resonated with me. I do the EXACT SAME THING with my children. ❤️ @@dragonqueen4376
@YodelGoat8 ай бұрын
"As parentified children, we see others' inability to look after themselves as an invitation for us to over-function." That quote unlocked something for me. Thank you for your videos!
@ArdShrivastav-we2zr6 ай бұрын
Hi😊😅
@koolbeans82928 ай бұрын
I stuttered and wet the bed until age 17 in a perfectly normal dysfunctional family. Why did I stop during my senior year? Hmmm? Maybe it was because my dad took a job away from home and was gone 90% of that time period and their golden boy, my older brother moved out and I was able to come out from behind the curtain of threats and shine my light. And that is what I did. I know in my heart that defending myself against a bullying older brother was the underlying preparation for becoming the first State Champion wrestler in my High School's history. And it was thee ONLY match that my dad saw my senior year....AND I remember him telling me afterwards, "Now don't be getting too big for your britches!" I went on to become a chiropractor, graduating at age 40. They both had their health, the time, and the money, but failed to attend. And then continue the lifetime of gaslighting, emotional abuse, by telling me at age 59, that I think I have become arrogant because of my piece of paper, my "doctors degree" in Chiropractic. And that I think that I am so much better than the rest of their kids. That was eight years ago. They are in their late 80s, and they haven't changed one bit. I have been no contact for eight years. and I am doing great. Except that I did, and still do over- explain myself. Enmeshment? I'd say! But, they always told me that they loved me... Get away from them!!!
@lovejumanji58 ай бұрын
I got tricked with the” I love you “ When I graduated nursing school my dad said “I’ll be proud of you when you’re a doctor “ Mother said nothing. Father danced wedding song I picked out for my wedding, with my sister at her wedding ! 😅 I’m glad you got a clue at a younger age !
@renticat8 ай бұрын
I still over explaining myself also i hate it because i want to be loved but then people wouldn't understand in some culture the family is like never wrong, you are the wrong ones is so toxic.
@toyfjforty96868 ай бұрын
I can relate to every word you typed... our details differ, but many of the same lessons !! Your closing phrase has been my perspective beginning back in 1982+ and 'subliminally'[sp?] age 10-30 ! Best wishes, comrade.
@vlst87158 ай бұрын
That is the most inspiring story I've read in a long while. And it's rather interesting how narcs react to your success. My story is similar, and if my abusers call me an arrogant bastard now, I live for it! That boosts my ego a little. Because I was never allowed to have an ego. I was nothing more than dust under their soles. If even they can acknowledge it now, that means I have managed to turn the tables completely. Not that it matters at all, I just find the irony of the situation pretty amusing. Really puts things into perspective.
@moimeme65338 ай бұрын
Thanks for sharing and for finding a path to rise above the dysfunction (and hopefully breaking the intergenerational cycle). Just wondering what was your father’s relationship like with _his_ parents?….hmmm.
@Jennifer-dw8hl8 ай бұрын
Acting like their child's needs are an extraordinary hardship, how dare you get between them and their addiction.
@youtubename78198 ай бұрын
I remember my mother screaming at me because I asked for groceries I could pack for lunch. I said I was confused because I didn’t understand what she was eating for breakfast or lunch since there was no food in the house. She had been going out to restaurants every day…
@Jennifer-dw8hl8 ай бұрын
@@youtubename7819 I'm sorry that was your childhood experience, I had to steal from my dad's change stash for cigarettes so I could afford school supplies. In his mind I'm still a thief, he accused me of stealing stuff he lost later in life and his behavior is why I don't talk to him anymore. "We found the stuff" was the closest he could come to an apology. I wish you well on your recovery journey and thank you for sharing.
@laurastuff19847 ай бұрын
@@youtubename7819 i’m sooo sorry for you. my gkids went through that. i was CONSTANTLY taking them food bc they'd call me & say there was nothing- but she would get mad AT ME and say there was!!! now my oldest grandson at 18 is OVEREATING bc he can and making himself sick A LOT! please take care🙏
@Nomen.Monniker8 ай бұрын
Remember "The Addams Family," the parents were deeply in love and acted romantic with each other, but their family was "weird," and "abnormal." That was a brilliant social commentary.
@kobra44228 ай бұрын
I love Addams family. I could watch the movies so many times when I dislike most "family movies". They loved each other and didn't care abt "fitting in".
@Dbb278 ай бұрын
Everyone was accepted. It was a great show.
@N1S44447 ай бұрын
They also had clear boundaries/rules for their children, showed loved and acceptance of their children, and were involved in their lives.
@reesedaniel58356 ай бұрын
Yes and they should have named it the CAINS FAMILY, not Adams....which is more narcissistic projection of these serpents who run hollywood and the TV industry!!
@centozo2 ай бұрын
The Addams family wasn't toxic.
@pavla20558 ай бұрын
Going NO CONTACT is a last resort attempt at self preservation usually arrived at almost too late to assuage the mental , emotional and physical damage done by narcissistic families .
@kristinm40058 ай бұрын
This is why its so frustrating when people are confused as to why you cut your family out. Ive met lots of people that dont understand how much it took before I finally took that step. Its not a rash decision over one disagreement.
@reesedaniel58356 ай бұрын
@@kristinm4005 They see us as the "ungrateful daughter/son" who didn't take care of their aging parent(s). We were expected to give them what they never gave us.
@ChristopherMHeaps6 ай бұрын
But never too late to be the right choice.
@gojiberry72018 ай бұрын
I had to reach out to my dad recently. I said I was still going to stay no contact with my mother. He said my mom has "her own version of history," which made me think he doesn't believe me when I share about her bad behavior. I seriously started questioning myself -- did it all happen like I thought? Then my dad said my autism was caused by my mental health meds. 😐 Yeah, I'm staying no contact.
@ladennayoung29398 ай бұрын
I'm sorry you went through that. I pray that things get better for you IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN. ❤❤❤
@David-eu1ms8 ай бұрын
I used to think I had autism, and I might, but it's more likely that I learned dysfunctional styles of relating to the world and the people in it, I think it can be reversed with time in a healthy environment.
@gojiberry72018 ай бұрын
@@David-eu1ms I guess there's a lot about the brain and environment we still don't know a lot about yet. I wonder if a lot of us will have different "diagnoses" in 50 years (well, I'll be dead, but for the kids) In 2002 they thought I was bipolar, but not anymore. I think trauma molds us wayyy more than people previously thought, and more study needs to be done on it
@missveronica83938 ай бұрын
@@David-eu1msI showed signs of autism from birth, they've also done studies on the brain and shown that autistic brains are different to neurotypical brains, but I definitely think that there are behaviours and patterns of dysfunction in families that can cause problems you're pointing out.
@Lyrielonwind8 ай бұрын
@@gojiberry7201 I have complex PTSD and now I'm doubting if I have some level of ADHD or is emotional disregulation... maybe both? Anyway, I have spent three years and severe fight and flight response and now I'm stuck in a freeze response. I can't see the end of the tunnel.
@samchiorean39198 ай бұрын
At 7 years old I was in charge of my 10 months old sister. With the house key around my neck, I had to take her to nursing school, 6 days, a week. later on in life, I had to do almost everything for her. Including getting her up in the mornings as she was "imune" to the alarm clock. I am convinced I decided not to have children on my own because I always felt I already did my "job" as a parent.
@vickybee58427 ай бұрын
Narcissistic parents are so controlling and manipulative, and this made their children believe that whatever their parents say is the law; when somebody outside the family makes a point about the wrong mentality, that person becomes the enemy and would hate that person for life. They live in a false reality, they can't see the truth.
@BB-fo5mr8 ай бұрын
You were groomed to their ego, not to what is right or wrong. And they attached “right and wrong” to their ego”, without you realizing it (when you were growing up, and your mind was malleable - literally, from a Nueropsychological standpoint)
@r12342338 ай бұрын
This exactly, and its even worse when they're religious their ego now becomes god!!
@VelvetJazz8 ай бұрын
EXACTLY. HARD STOP!!
@glittergal41607 ай бұрын
@@r1234233Exactly! They stand in the way of the true God by twisting & perverting him to their own wants, like with most everything else for them. It’s disgusting, but it’s so easy for people around them to fall into their snares… and those people notice the negative effects of being around them later. That’s how cults are made…God help us 🙏
@BB-fo5mr7 ай бұрын
Yep, agreed
@BB-fo5mrАй бұрын
*neuro
@candorablecando80936 ай бұрын
I was never allowed to show emotion. If I were angry or sad or even happy or silly, I was “just trying to get attention.” And, “who do think you are?” One of my father’s nicknames for me was “Big Dummy”. I learned to make myself “small” so I wouldn’t be a bother. My parents didn’t seem to like me and I didn’t know why. I was constantly told I was self-centered. I think their way of parenting was to make me not stuck up or think I was better than anyone else so they came down hard on me to keep me in check. I was always wrong and everyone else was always right. I spent my entire adulthood not speaking up for myself in relationships or in the workplace because I really believed I was always wrong and I should bear the brunt of disrespect or disappointment because that’s what I deserved. Now I’m in my 60’s and I’m finally coming out of it.
@sirenachantal4718 ай бұрын
Parentification - this includes managing the feelings of the narcissist, especially anger and if that parent is physically abusive. The child will then do everything they can to be sure that the narcissist is stable. The child might also confuse the narcissist’s sadness for anger because that’s just as potentially dangerous. The explosive raging sessions is something that isn’t discussed much in NPD circles. Sometimes they go on for hours, like 3 hours or go long, like to midnight. Or are done in front of the whole family, forcing the family to stay and witness it. Sometimes the other parent will be dismissive of their own child’s physical abuse and say something like, well that was nothing like what the narcissist went through as a child. I think all kids of narcissists have some level of parentification because of this.
@xenia67618 ай бұрын
Oh my god! Yes! Walking around on eggshells because my father had the habit to blow up for no apparent reason. Like a song that gave him nostalgia or something. Or a smell that would remind him of a bad date that he had with my mother before they got married. He would rage for HOURS blaming my mother for not being loyal enough while keeping my brother and me in the room so we had to watch. Eventually he would let us go to bed at 3am because he remembered that we had to go to school in the morning. He beat my mom up several times and made me cover her black eyes with make up ( I was 15 at the time). At some point he put a cigarette out on her shoulder and for years she wouldn’t admit that he did it. All of that is so fucked up. When confronted my parents still try to argue that “all of our issues were between us and weren’t supposed to affect you kids”. Well, they did.
@josephineananda8 ай бұрын
This is my story.
@pattyrooney13238 ай бұрын
I@@josephineananda
@CRD-hi6vk8 ай бұрын
We definitely need to have more videos on narcissistic explosive rage. They can run on for hours or even all night and and long term narcissistic injury they carry for months or years after the explosive rage.
@Cassie-pt7mt7 ай бұрын
I instigated, so that I was the target of my father's rage. I was always trying to protect my mother.
@audreyquinn735 ай бұрын
My alarm system was broken at a young age. I can remember several times when other people recognised and acknowledged that someone else had been rude to me or manipulative, and I often failed to see it. Abuse, in many forms, just goes under my radar until it's very obvious or outright dangerous. I feel like I am emotionally naked.
@annaburns28658 ай бұрын
Yep. Most kids grow up thinking that their parents are normal. I definitely believed in that. I had nothing else to go by. I thought everyone’s dad verbally abused them. 🤷♀️
@sneznovak8 ай бұрын
Same here! Then I moved far away, married a pastor and got to know many families very closely. I then realized how my family functions is not how most of other families function. Observing other families I learned what I experienced was in many ways very unhealthy. I try not to repeat it with my husband and kids.
@jrg43138 ай бұрын
Yep!!
@missstranger76978 ай бұрын
Same here. But as an adult thinking about it, I wouldn't go back in time. Whatever happened, belongs to the past.
@reesedaniel58356 ай бұрын
I thought that too until I began spending the night with my friends and saw how differently and respectfully their parents treated them.
@HFTLH5 ай бұрын
I actually grew up kind of thinking we were better than other people. Narcissistic fleas I guess. Thank God I snapped out of that eventually.
@Lyrielonwind8 ай бұрын
About competition, narcissists see competition in everybody. They are always competing even when there's no competition at all. If you say you have walked a mile, they have walked ten in less time than you. I have even seen narcissists bragging about their good health and then, someone complained about a physical condition and they switched so they were bearing more pain than anyone in the world... it's so ... crazy? I can't find a word for that.
@stefarfa527 ай бұрын
It's called "one uping". This is my sister.
@Zombiecupcake15710 сағат бұрын
My dad always says “I’m more tan than you!” And also, “My hair is longer than yours!”….yeah he has a terrible rat tail.
@emil58848 ай бұрын
I recognise that when a parent behaves as if completely unable to acknowledge their child's perspective, emotions, boundaries, integrity, and instead thrusts upon their child their perspective and emotions and calling them facts of life, that is emotional incest. The child learns to escape reality in their home setting and develop escapist addictions, substances, shopping, scrolling, gaming, pornography, hookups, fantasies (can be narcissism OR codependence), obsessions and compulsions. These can be undone by understanding their origin, processing the early experiences, being witnessed as a real self and realising who we are. Needless to say I have described myself at a few points there. Thanks for another video! 🙏
@kobra44228 ай бұрын
Very well said. I've got heavily dissociated bc: one, my individuality was not acknowledged so I had to be hypervigilant to know how to please everybody. Two: reality was too painful to face and impossible to escape.
@amberinthemist79128 ай бұрын
Excellent insight!
@chunkysocks81216 ай бұрын
I’m in my 30s and pregnant with my own daughter now. It has made me a lot less forgiving of my mom’s BS. There is no way I could ever treat my child the way she treated me. I grew up feeling like an object. I never mattered to her at all. Everything is always my fault. I deserve whatever cruel thing she says every time. She is broken.
@Sarahwithanh4448 ай бұрын
I never learned self love growing up - I learnt self loathing instead. It’s taken such a long time to learn to love myself and not loathe my very existence.
@rosettesionne91398 ай бұрын
The thing when you grow up with narcissists is that you tend to develop a wrecked sense of Justice nor right and wrong. Abnormal behaviors are normalised and acceptable or simple mistakes are badly punished so either you end up being a people pleaser or you become narcissistic yourself. You start to rationalize toxic behaviors and you become toxic yourself at the end you don't know how to relate with other people and you end up hurting them without noticing. I developed high narcissistic traits myself, like anger issues, insubordination, and manipulation, because verbal abuse and threats was how I grew up and now I discovered that these behaviors are not normal but that is how I was educated.
@christinefarris69858 ай бұрын
All of this! ❤
@Lyrielonwind8 ай бұрын
Find your triggers and do inner child work. It's tough but worth it. Being narcissistic won't make you happy. You might have only narcissistic fleas since you are conscious.
@Lyrielonwind Certainly no pressure, but could you say more about what inner child work involves? Do you mean learning to listen to your younger self more kindly, and learning to be your own kind parent? I found one healthy friend I met in my mid-twenties enormously helpful for unlearning my narc family's unspoken rules. Just by being his honest, warm, forthright self. And pointing my weird behaviors out, without shaming me: " I can't read your mind. You'll have to tell me what you would like to do." And modeling healthy conflict and (inadvertently) teaching me how to do that :)
@OkieDokie-ft5pm8 ай бұрын
@@caroleminke6116 Plus one, Carole! Thanks for correcting that person about the reality of REACTIVE ABUSE. (So that they don't assume an unfair burden they NEVER should have in the first place) PS--makes this 50-year-old dude want to put in that classic Carole King album "Tapestry" again. I think I will put it en queue already
@annaburns28657 ай бұрын
What makes me so mad is when your friends and people you see in the community act like it’s normal too. Narcissists couldn’t get away with this if society was good. But society is becoming more and more toxic and abusive.
@essencer.94948 ай бұрын
i was grossly neglected/abused as a child. Self-love wasn't only untaught; it very clearly was not allowed. Nothing would get me punished deeper... I know why now.
@rw200008 ай бұрын
unfortunately i can relate to that
@angelika878 ай бұрын
yep I got lectures not to act stuck up when I showed healthy self esteem
@styracosaurusqvt48417 ай бұрын
I’m sorry you suffered so much. I hope you find healing.
@essencer.94947 ай бұрын
@@styracosaurusqvt4841 thank you. I am
@sandrakellstrom80976 ай бұрын
@@angelika87 My mother hated me putting on makeup. She would stand at the bathroom door and say, "Do you think you're beautiful? How could you possibly be beautiful? Look at your family. You'll never be beatiful". She told me that professional men wouldn't look at me because they wanted "pretty" women. She once came unhinged because I said I loved a professional photo by saying, " I'd love a photo like that". She said, "SHE"S PRETTY!" with such disdain. I was out of line for thinking I had anything going for me. No one in my family witnessed it, but she had no problem humiliating me in front of strangers. I couldn't do anything right and my "attitude" was egotistical. She really destroyed me and then blamed me for being destroyed. She once told me I was the reason she didn't have any friends. But she didn't' notice that I had no friends. Monster and mother both begin with an "M".
@Not_Ciel7 ай бұрын
Enmeshment is a huge one for me. My mother refuses to respect me as my own person. She doesn’t seem to understand the concept of me being an independent human being. Nothing I tell her makes a difference and I’ve literally tried to spell it out when I was going to move out. “Kids grow up, become an adult, move out on their own and have their own family. How am I supposed to have my own family if I stay here for my entire life?”. She still didn’t get it (or at least acted like she didn’t). I moved out anyway. Maybe now she’ll have some time to think on it.
@JustaGirlinCleveland6 ай бұрын
Mine thought on it…. And then proceeded to make me feel guilty for not staying. When I set boundaries I was unfriended, blocked, cut off on everything and told to never call again. It’s been 7 years. If she’s not getting her narcissistic supply from you any longer, expect a lash back. Peace to you!
@sarahb44846 ай бұрын
Isolation to me as an adult is the best thing that exists to protect myself against the lies of the world. After suffering from my ex husband narcissistic abuse and his family…
@marciestoddard7305 ай бұрын
You can also heal. And slowly bit by bit pick yourself up..orrr u can isolate which seems unhealthy.
@missstranger76973 ай бұрын
@@marciestoddard730 When you heal yourself, people guilt trip you and take it personally. That is why isolation is also a solution, even though it really is a bad habit.
@sallypitts76598 ай бұрын
I'm a senior citizen now, but I was never shone the kind of love, especially from my dad, that teaches a child how to love others. Even now, I don't know how to be close to anyone. I've been married 3 times, failed at all three. Yeah, like I said, I'm a senior citizen. But I still don't know how to have a close relationship with anyone.
@suzannemeade63358 ай бұрын
DITTO. My childhood too.
@monicaluketich69138 ай бұрын
I received no love from my narcissistic mother. Her favorite lines were: "If you did x,y,z you would look better." I thought I was one step away from needing a paper bag over my head so as not to scare people. I'm not gorgeous (I also never spent 45 minutes every morning putting on my face), but I am attractive. Another line was, "What would the neighbors think?!" In third grade, she thought I was having a nervous breakdown - did she take me to a doctor? NO. What would the neighbors think? Take coming from a mother who HAD a nervous breakdown after I was born. Makes me wonder how she coped with a baby at that time. Thank goodness my grandparents took care of me for the 3 weeks she stayed in the hospital - but because I bonded with them, I also thought I had been adopted when I had "a new mom." Mentioned that at a large party with all my friends and their parentd there (I was about 30 at the time), and I thought my mother would faint! I am the last of my immediate family still living, and it is peaceful.
@jenna24318 ай бұрын
Right there with you.
@mnarmstrong20065 ай бұрын
I’m so sorry this happened to you and that this has been your life experience as a result of not being shown the love that you, and we all, deserve as children being raised by our parents. You deserved better, and I am praying for you. Your comment really hit me in the heart tonight, and I just wanted you to know that I empathize and find it brave that you are able to face these things in the later stages of your life. Keep going, keep watching videos and keep seeking to learn about the love that you want to be able to feel from others and give to others. It’s never too late. ❤️
@angelinaballerina41328 ай бұрын
You hit the nail on the head. My father, who is a covert alcoholic narcissist, took me to see a counselor when I was 11 years old. When the counseled asked him why we were there, my father said “Because Angelina is the root of all of our family problems.” I will never forget how that felt. I am now 46 years old and my father has been giving me the silent treatment since June 2007- I am still not sure of the exact reason. And don’t get me started on my mother. She is a sociopath who is constantly trying to destroy my reputation and relationships. I definitely prefer the silent treatment over what she does. At least my father leaves me alone…
@teresasanford1038 ай бұрын
Stay far away from them, you understand now, take care of yourself.
@wms728 ай бұрын
I'm so sorry they mistreated you . May Jesus heal you. IN NOMINE PATRIS ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI. +AMEN
@Dbb278 ай бұрын
No contact works.
@lilc53538 ай бұрын
I'm sorry 😞 Live well and heal yourself ❤
@bobbym1048 ай бұрын
Usually the counselor has to break it to the parent that it's not the kid, YOU'RE the problem and the parent freaks and they never go back to that counselor ever again.
@marycumming84618 ай бұрын
I live in a town where military families settle and retire in California. Unfortunately, these things are the normal in society here. So many of my peers also had narcissist parents and bosses. It's pretty bad. Thankfully, my husband is blessed with an amazing boss and job that treats us very well. 😊 Note: I'm grateful for our veterans and their service, but the military can be a place where narcissists thrive and go under the radar...
@aammssaamm8 ай бұрын
Military families everywhere is a childhood disaster.
@featherweldon36328 ай бұрын
Sadly as an army brat whose father was also an army brat whose family was run by a narcissistic father, I’d have to agree. Both parents were in the military. Sometimes I feel like I was raised by a drill sergeant instead of a nurturing mother.
@amberinthemist79128 ай бұрын
Yep the military and churches are magnets for power hungry narcs!
@4514rooster8 ай бұрын
When the cops ask why I haven’t been reporting all the abuse over the years… I thought if I ignored them it would stop.
@ValSMITH-it4lg7 ай бұрын
Never occurred to me to report the abuse. I assumed all families were like that.
@lillianbarker42928 ай бұрын
Ooh….isolation! I never realized before that my family did this or how harmful it was. My brother and sister and I have always been isolated with only one or two friends all through our lives. 😢
@sifromwales54527 ай бұрын
My birthday is on Xmas day. My mother always made it a horrible time for me. She would blatantly blank anything I ever said and if anyone mentioned my birthday, she'd hijack it and make it about her giving birth on Xmas day. She became more and more abusive over the years to the point where I actually believed I deserved it. My older sister saw it all and never took my side, excusing her outrageous behaviour. I'm 60 now and alone but the Christmas period is still a very difficult time, even though I now know I'd never deserved such hateful abuse. The control she had over me was all pervasive. Forgiveness is the key but we need to recognise the reality of the abuse we suffered to move on. Love to all.
@bsdude0106 ай бұрын
My mom also thinks my birthday and my sisters birthday is her day for giving birth. I thought it was selfish but now i see it's a narcissist trait.
@David-eu1ms8 ай бұрын
When I set a boundarie it makes people very uncomfortable, and I usually have to reinforce a couple of times before it works, eventually the person will refuse to spend time with me.
@madeleinegrayson83728 ай бұрын
And good riddance. People who care about you understand and respect boundaries.
@pinkazure8088 ай бұрын
I think it is great that you're setting boundaries.
@DHW2568 ай бұрын
You're so right, Jerry. As small children, we appreciated there were problems -- good parents don't condemn their children with "I hate you!" or try to kill themselves in front of them. However, we didn't know what "normal" was. Thankfully God put a lot of wonderful people in my path, especially after I left home: they showed me there is genuine love, genuine peace and understanding.
@JanGroh8 ай бұрын
Huh, lightbulb: enmeshment is abuse. Boy do I have some changes to make with some "friends" now...
@ashleighant8 ай бұрын
Are narcissist parents aware that they are sabotaging, competing, and comparing with their children? My parents have competed with me my whole life and secretly removed opportunities from me and my brother. I am also blamed for all their financial issues instead of their gambling habits. I was told at 11 years old that it was my fault they filed for bankruptcy.
@TheREALLibertyOrDeath8 ай бұрын
Jeez
@xenia67618 ай бұрын
Oh my dear! This is so heartbreaking. So much to carry for a child! My sister in law witnessed her mother having an affair when she was six years old. Then her mother told her “if you want mummy and daddy to get along, you don’t tell anybody!” Also, I have a friend who grew up with her narcissistic grandmother because her mom committed suicide when my friend was 9 years old. That evil psycho of a grandmother told my friend, a nine year old child, that it was her fault her mother killed herself. People are wicked. Makes it hard to breathe sometimes. There are so many of us affected by that type of family stuff. I wish everyone on their healing journey peace of mind. Let it end with you ❤❤❤❤❤
@ashleighant8 ай бұрын
@xenia6761 thank you❤ I'm trying!
@wasntme36518 ай бұрын
I also used to wonder if they know but as time goes by and I learn more about what a narcissist is I think they absolutely know. They are sick and twisted to a degree it’s mind boggling. I remember when I bought my first new car and took it to show my dad he smugly said good job. A week later he went out and got a new car. He never liked to see me doing good. I have been no contact for over ten years and part of me wants to write him and tell him how he is a fkd piece of 💩but then he’d play his games and try to use it against me. Alan. R. T. Is a pos
@larryl23988 ай бұрын
Ever been told how much it cost to raise you? Or how much was spent on Christmas gifts over the years?
@paulczubryt86448 ай бұрын
I just had a eureka moment. I never thought parentification applied to my family, but I realize that it totally does. My parents would go on these business trips that sometimes lasted for weeks. My parents would never get a babysitter, we would never go to a relative's place. My abusive older brother would watch us, and then Id have to watch once that brother left home.
@PaigeSquared8 ай бұрын
It was assumed that once I was legally old enough to be left home with my younger siblings, that I would be. Every day before and after school, until dinner time. I did not have the interpersonal skills required for that level of time and responsibility. I never actually got parenting after that age, either, they stopped trying to teach me anything or talk to me about morals or whatever normal families talk about.
@r12342338 ай бұрын
my parents were always working just to stay in a middle class area that they couldn't afford. Then when they were home there was always physical fights. we never ate together ever even when I was young. My brothers never dealt with me and everyone just assumes everything about me without ever asking questions. I was kicked out at 19 and no one even helped I didn't know how to sort my life out and realised my parents taught me nothing. I don't speak to them except my dad who is the only one I like even though he never listens, misconstrues everything I say, tells everyone things I tell him in confidence. I don't talk to them and now I'm the bad guy even though now I've gone back to university to study biochemistry. When I chose to make this decision during lock down, after having to move to a new place because my landlord was selling the house and I couldn't find a job in my new area, I asked my mom could I stay, she said yes, then rang me up the next day I'm divorcing your dad so you have to find somewhere else. Am I wrong for not talking to them? whenever my mom has an issue she will scream smash things, kick you out, but if you have an issue with her then she will come up with every excuse not to take accountability act like she's forgot then turn everything on me. I've never had my emotions considered. Am I the ass hole?
@shirleydavis56298 ай бұрын
As though being flip flop is ok & it is not ok. You are clear minded, looking toward your future. Having a roof over your head is needed. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong!🙏 A similiar situation happened to me, it's so hard to fall onto family who are not '"family."
@johnkusske75358 ай бұрын
Mine would leave me in charge of my 3 younger siblings from the age of 10 while they went away for the weekend.
@rdwrer13313 ай бұрын
wtheck, seriously?? That's messed up!!
@silverdoe94778 ай бұрын
I remember when I was around 13 & my mom said “Tell your school-therapist what’s really wrong with you, and stop talking about us”.
@mariettanoordewier-kenkel50407 ай бұрын
❤
@PriusTurbo5 күн бұрын
I used to lie to my school counselor and tell him everything was fine at home even though I was in severe emotional pain. My mom had moved out and was living with another guy and my dad was an abusive alcoholic but at least he took card of us and stuck around. I thought if I said anything to the counselor my dad would find out and very bad things would happen to me. 30 years later and I'm just realizing how much of a negative impact this has had on every aspect of my life. Both my parents were/still are ignorant narcissists and even in their 60s and 70s have no idea idea who they are. Everything is someone else's fault and everything they've done is justified. I hadn't seen my dad in like 8 years and rarely spoke with him because I revealed my brother was a drug addict and needed help, and my dad didn't believe me so I quit talking with him. Both of my parents enabled my brother for the better part of a decade and it's amazing he's still alive. Anyway, I moved closer to my dad and attempted to salvage our relationship and reconnect with him and HE PICKED UP RIGHT WHERE HE LEFT OFF. Haha the actual second day I spent with him at his house, he got very drunk and started complaining about my mom just like he had when I was 13. He then started berating his also drunk new wife and made her cry. It was one of the most bizarre experiences of my adult life. I quickly found a place to rent and I continued to keep in touch with him. I finally realized that every time I speak with him, he makes me feel terrible about myself just like he used to. He has nothing to offer but his small-minded petty outlook on life that got him nowhere. It makes me sad but I don't want to speak with him anymore. My relationships with my two brothers are ruined mostly due to my parents. My mother disappears and reappears like an elusive ghost when she needs me for something. I had this image of my family being loving and solid when I was very young and I tried so hard to hold out hope throughout my childhood and into early adulthood. It's as dead as it gets now. My mom actually talked about where we would have Christmas this year. I seriously asked her "who is going to be there?" She had no answer. I think she may have had a moment of realization that her family is dead. She can sit in a big empty house with her dog and stare at the tree and our stockings she'll still put out. Can't help but think even now that somehow this is all my fault.
@gunsmithcat8 ай бұрын
My mom told me yesterday that i have been terrorising my own family since twenty years, and that without me she wouldn't have aged so badly
@andanotherthing6197 ай бұрын
Horrible thing to say. How quickly can you go no contact? People should think of consequences before they open their mouths
@amberinthemist79128 ай бұрын
My father would go into narc rages for hours. Sometimes for reasons that weren't ever known to me. Then when I would complain to my mom she would tell me I should be grateful that they weren't allowing relatives to rape me like had been done to her and my dad's sister (both parents came from homes where csa was common place obviously separate houses). I didn't realize how profoundly damaging that was for me. It always felt like a threat like she was going to let it happen any time if she wanted to. It was such a great threat that it really kept me in line. That was my mom's message growing up "be grateful for your abuse or I'll make it worse." And now people will wonder why we don't speak anymore.
@northstar59195 ай бұрын
Omg💜
@nimanixo5 ай бұрын
I really can’t comprehend how some parents can be like this to their own children
@jakezo3694 ай бұрын
I have suffered narc abuse from my mother and her golden child, my brother for years now. I can tell how it just destroys you both mentally and physically. I wish there could be some kind of a law or something to ban these narcs from having kids at least. We may not be able to ban them everywhere.. but at least from bringing in more misery into this world.
@carolinecarter68746 ай бұрын
58 yrs old and beyond exhausted by these self-serving, entitled, cruel cardboard cutouts! They've gone now and ....I'm trying! There's definitely peace but the damage is unfathomable! I hurt and i hurt for other's and the impact these creatures will have on them! They should come with a health warning! We must become conscious of our enabling behaviour....this would greatly stop the cruel behaviour of these entities!
@ashanein8 ай бұрын
I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you talk about enmeshment, Jerry. Not enough therapists do talk about it and it's so toxic and maddening. It IS abusive and it's created an immense amount of shame in me. Lots of healing to do. Thank you for validating this experience!!!!
@theoriginal77278 ай бұрын
+parentification!!
@ashanein8 ай бұрын
@@theoriginal7727 yuuuuuuuuup
@Armygirl4Christ7 ай бұрын
💯
@cindy77338 ай бұрын
The one thing you didn't mention was infantilization! That is another way that narcs control you. It's horrific.
@audreydoyle52688 ай бұрын
In a sense, isolation is a form of infantilisation. Although, I do agree it should have had it's own segment.
@violetw26535 ай бұрын
Every damned one of these resonates, it's so sad to think of the years that have been stolen from me and how socially stunted I am, how poorly I function, just doing basic things that most people take for granted like going to work and getting back is such a huge insurmountable task for me, it is absolute torture to have to be around others too, going out anywhere causes such panic and anxiety....
@mare27238 ай бұрын
People expect that everyone has friends and family this time of year and we don’t and it doesn’t mean we’re terrible people. If somebody doesn’t adopt me soon as a friend or a family member I’m not gonna make it I’m too old now been through too much I still have a lot of love to give Hope this falls on the right eyes and heart
@laurastuff19847 ай бұрын
😢 i am RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE... plzzzz believe that. it's not good. please reach out more OR to me. we can 180 this place we're residing in our hearts/minds. PLEASE
@honeyand_sunshine8 ай бұрын
I have never heard of enmeshment but that perfectly explains exactly what I always felt like growing up. I didn’t have a sense of self, and if I tried to break free I was promptly hit back into place like a game of whack-a-mole.
@melaniemills45058 ай бұрын
My mother was really big on parentification...she told me I would be taking care of my 13 years older brother and my younger, severely mentally disabled sister when she finally got tired of living with my father and decided to end herself...she emphasized that I would become their "mommy" and would have to take her place in the home...she also said it would be a horrible day when she finally passed away and she didnt envy me one bit when this event finally took place, that I'd be better off if I ended myself...oh yeah, I was only eight years old when she told me this. Also she blamed me for every little inconvenience she experienced...one time she blamed me for her getting diarrhea because I stressed her out so bad. 😒
@jensmithe36248 ай бұрын
Wow ! Jerry! Thank you for this video today. My husband has a narcissistic mother. She is now 80 and he feels committed to helping her. He has had a hard time with social development because of his mother. He has no friends outside of his ethnicity. It makes him very unhappy living in the United States. She has made sure he has not developed his own self. When ever I see his authentic self emerging she gets under his skin with an one of her health emergencies that is really nothing.
@larryl23988 ай бұрын
So basically she groomed him into being her caretaker from the get go. Ridiculous!
@jensmithe36248 ай бұрын
You made my day today. Keep healing yourself. You are such a young person who can have a beautiful life if that is what you want. You have my permission to live how you want and to say no to your mother. I don't know the situation of your caregiver phase but if she is not dying and can manage on her own stay away. Get stronger.@@kobra4422
@belindakilian37847 ай бұрын
So sad
@oldnick92327 ай бұрын
My Mother also selected a minority husband, and in the end admitted to being a racist, it all worked to her advantage, controlling the family in the extreme. While playing the poor retarded, unwell, victim of the world. Prompting all around to act and react as her insanity required. Playing on the emotions of others, as she had no emotion at all.
@Youreacashier8 ай бұрын
I have always felt that love is conditional. That is because of my mom - she kind of dangled the love and I would try to grab it. That has been the way of my romantic life forever. I quit dating when I was 40 and I am 56 now. I’m really lonely but it is for the best.
@kristinm40058 ай бұрын
Im sorry you feel lonely. It is difficult and sad when there is the desire for human connection but disappointment is all you get in return.
@Youreacashier7 ай бұрын
@@kristinm4005 Thanks. I am usually okay with it because I can remember the disappointments quite clearly, but sometimes I get angry - how come I am not allowed to have what other people take for granted?! I feel like an observer and not really alive. Just a person that has a bit part in life. That is just the way it is though. I don’t think I can ever get rid of this illness or the shame it brings.
@jeankipper69548 ай бұрын
" I didn't say you did it. I said we are blaming you. ". Followed with a whipping.
@PaintingandExercise11 күн бұрын
Wow. I used to think that when people treated me poorly if I did not react and show that it bothered me then they would stop. I learned to not show the hurt, anger, or disappointment in childhood so I took that into adulthood. I now have the spine and self love to not allow people who do that to me to remain in my life. I never realized that how insidious the abuse was and how I accepted it as normal and had no right to complain, get angry, or be hurt.
@alpal878 ай бұрын
The hardest thing is that my parents didn’t protect me from the abuse and engaged in it. They still have not condemned the poor behavior from the narc sister or other siblings. I was never a priority in the family. Merely an afterthought. This is why people shouldn’t have the number of kids they do.
@NayabImtiaz0017 ай бұрын
The way I relate to it. 😢 I am so sorry
@fightback3973 ай бұрын
An afterthought , that is what people think in the end of themselves .
@abrahamgomez6537 ай бұрын
Intelligence plays a big role. People that are intelligent don't need to behave that way to have control. Smart people control themselves before they try to control someone else.
@msbg83858 ай бұрын
Growing up I thought something was wrong with me. My mom would tell me something was wrong with me.. but it was social awkwardness because I was just allowed to go to school and no where else. I couldn't visit friends they had to come over my house, and we could never play in my room. It was horrible now I know it's because they can't share control 😢. They see the pain they cause children and it doesn't phase them at all.
@user-nf5jc4tx9x8 ай бұрын
I grew up around the following: Chemically dependent adults one example: While I was on an outing as a child my Uncle went to go get his 'stuff. My mother was mixed up with a man who was into drugs, my mother was a screamer, and threw meltdown tantrums. I love her but the stuff that came out of her mouth I could go on & on. She would swear at me too. I won't even get started on the man she dated then later married until he died. I'm a mess now trying to pick up the pieces. Wish me luck please.
@Dbb278 ай бұрын
Sounds like you are on a healing path. You being aware is the first step. You don’t need luck. Your intelligence and knowledge will keep you on a good journey. Kudos to your progress.
@JulietCrowson8 ай бұрын
Prayers help Would you like us to pray for you ? 🙏⭐🕊️
@rdwrer13313 ай бұрын
lots of prayers for you, that's seriously rough. I hope you heal. Louise Hay helped me.
@rose56028 ай бұрын
I've been abused outside my family and let it happen because I can't tell the difference between that and normal behavior. I've forgiven my family, but it makes me sad knowing they never taught me that.
@lonefaolan60428 ай бұрын
I can relate. I also been abused outside my family and within.
@elizabethmadron13368 ай бұрын
Look at your friends parents. How they treat their kids. Growing up ,I was able to figure it out. I did not know what to call it. I knew there was something really wrong in my household. That really pissed me off.
@rose56028 ай бұрын
@elizabethmadron1336 Is it like what you see in the movies? I don't have many friends lol.
@NarcArtTherapy6 ай бұрын
Lies are a theft of truth. Abuse is always a way of stealing power from others and giving them pain, shame, and dysfunction for their trouble.
@richardjohanson64216 ай бұрын
I don't like animosity, so you confront it... then they ghost you.
@rdwrer13313 ай бұрын
This is totally what occurred when I finally set a text/email only boundary. My oldest sister went silent, then she blamed me saying I was the one who was silent. Now she's telling all the family members I'm schizophrenic. I totally have a tough time forgiving that wretched ..... but I want to be released from all the anger. She seriously talked with me on the phone so much, once a week. She would call. Now? 0 relationship, I'm dead to her, and I love it. It's so nice to not have her in my life. I don't miss her AT ALL.
@IAmNumber40004 күн бұрын
My dad straight up told me “My love is not unconditional.” Great guy, huh? 😂
@LindseyVoorhies8 ай бұрын
How do we show our young children that narcissism behaviors is not normal when coparenting with a narcissistic parent? I see him gaslighting her already and I want to protect her
@eveishawna79348 ай бұрын
Stand your ground
@sighidk7866 ай бұрын
Honestly, if he’s abusing her already, leaving him may be the only option. Even just 1 instance of abuse is too much.
@LindseyVoorhies6 ай бұрын
Already left him, unfortunately we share custody
@rdwrer13313 ай бұрын
Now that you're not together, maybe your kids can have a lot of activities when it's "his time", so that they aren't around him a lot. Oh what a nightmare. I'm glad you're free from him. You're setting an example to your kids that abuse is not ok and you don't have to put up with it. My mom just reached her 49th year with my monster of a dad, and I wish she would stand up for herself or leave. In a way she does because she keeps herself insanely busy and he lives in a separate building on the property...ya, seriously. He always has had a separate building to live in, it's twisted. All he did/ does was watch TV once home, what a lowlife. I hope you're healing. Louise Hay I can't say enough about how she's helped heal me.
@christinerobertson95968 ай бұрын
Taking care of mother on hospice- Last week she put a good sum of money into my bank in good faith. She's dying and it is sheltered there for her. A week later she didn't like something I said or did, so she said she wants the money back immediately "so she can find her own place to live" or she will report me for fraud to her bank... huh? I'm working with social workers to get her moved somewhere and I want to cut any communication or contact. By the way, all of your points apply to me.
@dotsyjmaher7 ай бұрын
When they start money games ....RUN... MY crazy maw was obviously beginning dementia... She told her neighbors AND my siblings... I was trying to convince her she was crazy...to steal her money..( ironically she NEVER loaned or gave me money like she did with all my siblings..) AND... 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Told ME she KNEW I had stolen her cannisters..."You ALWAYS wanted them" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 OH yeah....scratched up old cannisters.. My sisters ended up ACTUALLY stealing all the money and jewelry... Now that I think of it... I'll bet THEY stole her disappearing cannisters🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 After a family party where she brought a shoe box full of childhood photos... SHE THREW THE BOX OF PHOTOS AWAY... I SAW HER DO IT.. "Why are you throwing that away..." "OH it is just trash" "Can I have it" "Sure"....it is just trash" Saved a lot of our pictures...ugh
@christinerobertson95966 ай бұрын
@@dotsyjmaher Now my mom says she wants me in Jail for elder abuse - I refuse to take her "orders" in her words. We share a house and luckily I have an RV so I will be moving into that. She calls the police on us and they want her diagnosed for dementia, but her enabling Hospice people "don't see dementia" I'm so done with her. I'm running as fast as I can.
@winyoutube8 ай бұрын
RUN 🏃🏃♂🏃♀
@silviarodrigues33046 ай бұрын
My dad abused me, i still have scars. He hit me on my head when i was 7 and 12. He touched me when i was 12. But my mother said its my fault that i didnt report it at that time and i shouldnt be discussing this years later. I spoke to her after i had a kid ( as i was scared to leave my child alone with him). I was shattered, when my mother underplayed my childhood trauma. My sister ( the golden child) calls me the evil child, apparently according to her, "our father is incapable of abuse, he just has anger isues and alcoholic, not abusive". It breaks me. I cant breathe when i think abou it. Im 40 but the pain never goes.
@felicitybywater80128 ай бұрын
The silent treatment in my family got so bad my father pretended I didn't exist. That made me much more frightened than I had been before. He hated me because he knew I would tell if he molested me too. My mother told me on my 15th birthday that I was an unwanted child (I'm the eldest of 2) and she framed it as though that justified the abuse. I got an after-school job within a couple of weeks, concealed my savings from it (they'd already stolen from me) and just vanished when I had somewhere to live. Leaving them was the smartest thing I ever did. I shared a flat with a girl they didn't know so they didn't even know where to start looking and, as a child molester, my father was not going to go the the police. (Had I realised back then he was molesting my sister, I would have told my grandfather, his father, and he would have taken my sister and I to the police station.) My parents are dead now and I don't miss them. My sister is clinically insane and believes it was all somehow my fault.
@judithparris18188 ай бұрын
Never! Not your fault. The blame sets right on their shoulders... the abusers!
@felicitybywater80127 ай бұрын
@@judithparris1818 Dead right. She's still stuck in that house of horrors.
@shirleydavis56298 ай бұрын
Sums up how I was raised. Ever since I began listening to you Mr. Wise. Flashbacks have hit me hard this past month. That stress is onto my health. 😢
@maggiesalle22568 ай бұрын
You are not alone.
@Dbb278 ай бұрын
Had flashbacks for a year after my mother died. It’s rather freaky. I thought I would just be relieved but then it started. Things are finally calming down.
@shirleydavis56298 ай бұрын
Thank you @maggie & @Dbb for sharing your input. It is obvious how many of us need to, & can be healed.
@dianacarter_art7 ай бұрын
Me too. I wish I could forget and move on. ❤
@angelascharmedlife8 ай бұрын
My husband's going to leave me because i dont know how to handle stress. I act exactly like my mom at this time. I hate it. All i wanted to do as a child was get away from her now i did it to my sweet husband. I hate myself. I am waiting for a doctor to call me back.
@darkangel03888 ай бұрын
I experienced a lot of these things. After my dad died I was pretty much left to raise myself because my mother couldn't be bothered unless others were watching and it made her look good. I didn't have to take care of her. It was more like we were roommates and she paid all the bills.
@craigbrowning94488 ай бұрын
As an only child I had to flip-flop between being The Golden Child and the Scapegoat for my father
@JustaGirlinCleveland6 ай бұрын
Only child of a narc mother- I called it the love bomb-sucker punch combo
@christianyaerger17518 ай бұрын
She was extremely insecure and depressed, but I've never thought of my mother as narcissistic. I still don't think I do, but far too many of these apply to her, and my childhood, for comfort. :(
@ellie6988 ай бұрын
Same here. She's self centred narcissism. It's all about them and their needs. Ours didn't matter, just didn't enter their heads.
@DogMomCMF8 ай бұрын
I’m discovering this as well….I can’t find a single video that doesn’t describe my mom. 🫤
@amberinthemist79128 ай бұрын
Untreated mental illness in a parent can be damaging for children. It usually is. Things like addiction and Untreated depression can make you function like a narcissist without having the npd personality disorder.
@gunsmithcat8 ай бұрын
Maybe she has BPD instead?
@Arbitraryusername8 ай бұрын
@@gunsmithcatthat’s exactly what I was thinking. It’s far more likely that a woman has BPD than NPD, but it’s like the opposite side of the same coin.
@healerscreek8 ай бұрын
You just described my life, especially feeling the need to take care of everyone else and attracting those who need taking care of. I think older generations considered many of these abuses as "good parenting skills". No, they're not. They're harmful behaviors that need to stop. Now I have the power to step away from the toxic ones. Thank you for your educational videos! 😊
@collie88 ай бұрын
that was very light example of parentification... driving a car. Biggest burden is when child must soothe the parent... and carry their anxiety. (btw fire alarm - yes very good metaphor.)
@pinkazure8088 ай бұрын
I may have this thing with carrying the anxiety of a parent. How can you tell when you are carrying their anxiety?
@collie88 ай бұрын
@@pinkazure808generally when you're anxious about life of adult people other than yourself. It's neurotic reaction - 'super-empath'. If your mother was intentionally sharing her adult problems with you when you were a child, you're in the club.
@pinkazure8088 ай бұрын
@@collie8 Thank you. This clears it up. Yep, I'm in the club. The other day I was telling mom not to do something. Now in hindsight, I realize that she's an adult who can take care of herself.
@cocoaocean8 ай бұрын
My covert narc mom has tried to make me carry her issues. She has had many men since my biological father and has expected me to like them as much as her!? When I try to ask for boundaries ie not showing up at my home without letting me know she plays a cry bully to everyone and call me a terrible person😢 This stuff never gets easier you just get more sensitive to it. Thank you for your information ❤❤
@bokehintheussr50338 ай бұрын
Im so glad I've found this channel. Thank you Jerry! I still find myself surrounded by narcissistic people or people lacking in empathy because their behaviour is familiar. It's almost like I'm more comfortable with those people than with functional people because I know how to handle their toxic behaviour, whereas normal ways of relating make me feel vulnerable. My teens and twenties were blighted by poor self image and isolation. Because of the emotional neglect and abuse I experienced growing up in a family emotionally devastated by my fathers alcoholism and my mothers bitterness, its only now that I'm starting to learn how to parent myself at almost 35 years old!
@Dbb278 ай бұрын
Im 69. You’re figuring things out at a great age. Good for you. Don’t lament the past time you lost. Just know whatever you go through figuring everything out so early leaves you the rest of your life to live in peace.
@bokehintheussr50338 ай бұрын
@@Dbb27 this comment is very comforting thank you. I do tend to wish things had been different, but I'm realising more and more why things have been the way they were and letting go. The last couple of years have been very eye opening.
@kobra44228 ай бұрын
Good job! It's never too late. I was also isolated in my teens and twenties. It sucks when the years that are supposed to be fun are filled with abuse and insecurity. But we can get better!! As the previous person said, we can learn from it to avoid patterns in the future.
@EteruVatu8 ай бұрын
Thank you so much for this, Jerry. Scapegoat here that still questions sometimes “how bad” it was growing up with two gaslighting, manipulating, and overall controlling parents (who divorced when I was 4) I can’t even put into words the damage my self-esteem and sense of self took… been no contact for a year with both of them, feeling better than I ever have before, and your videos are a dose of validation and affirmation that I still need from time to time… thank you so much. I was never a burden, they were just dumping all their shame into me. Unreal…
@starlight77728 ай бұрын
This is so heartbreaking but I guess it’s really accepting reality of all that I endured 😩😮💨 I can’t pretend it didn’t happen anymore
@ValSMITH-it4lg7 ай бұрын
Sometimes reality really sucks, but living a life mired in confusion not only sucks worse, but it keeps you from healing. Get some help to face the truth, please. You are worth it.
@kimberlyfoster71488 ай бұрын
Thank you so much! You just explained my entire life... just when you think your healing journey is almost done you realize there is no much more that i drag around with me from my growing up times.... I dont say child hood because I really didnt have one. Maybe thats why I am still a kid at heart...
@Dbb278 ай бұрын
69. I think I am done and more pops up. It’s pretty strange. I think it’s always going to be there like a TV playing in another room but the volume keeps getting lower and lower.
@anneyoung23108 ай бұрын
In my family, I didn't think it was normal, nor will I ever. I knew something was off/dysfunctional, but what can you do when you're a kid. My mom and my ex-spouse have high covert traits (trying not to diagnose), but they manifest very differently and different abusive tactics.
@andrewtischler93858 ай бұрын
Incredibly normalizing, elucidating, sad and helpful. Thank you, Dr. Wise.
@karolinepedersen07016 ай бұрын
I was 8 years old when I started to feel like my Father was treating me weirdly… I just convinced myself this behavior was normal in every household. He got worse over the years, toward both my mom and I. We moved out when I was 15, he didn’t know untill 3 days before. I am now 17, and only just cut him off completely. I am now batteling the MANY side effects.. I am constantly anxious and jittery… and i’m actually not sure what to do… My mom has encuraged listening to videos, to get some clarity. Right now it’s just difficult to concentrate.
@TLE19793 ай бұрын
Hi I am a 44 female who has a narcissist father. I never understand why he dislike me so much compared to my other siblings who are constantly spoiled. My father is a workaholic and alcoholic who isolates himself from everyone. He has ruined my life so many times. if I can recommended you from woman to woman save yourself by detachment and go try to live your own life.
@excxmoody8 ай бұрын
With all the things I'd share if you were a therapist...I can't even get a plate for food without being criticized. Overtime especially viewing these sort of videos...been seeing why more an more my sibling went NC.
@daniellescott67018 ай бұрын
I feel like I am the only person who wants off the planet. I am 55 and tired. So tired. My soul is gone. It was beautiful. It died and needs to go back to where I came from. It was 75 % percent hell.
@rdwrer13313 ай бұрын
Feel like I wrote this comment. I'm right there with you, I'm just so tired! My new parents and family have been through youtube, listening to the following wonderful people; Louise Hay, Napoleon Hill, Brian Tracy, Jim Rohn, T. Harv Eker, Dani Johnson, Les Brown and others.
@daniellescott67013 ай бұрын
@@rdwrer1331 Means a lot. More then you know. 🌬💋 Thankyou.
@SoniaProteau-cj6tk8 ай бұрын
They are great story tellers 😂
@judithparris18188 ай бұрын
Yes they are. In my family dad's lies were called embellishment...
@Emefur17 ай бұрын
My mother was an ignoring narcissist, so some of the above did not happen. Most of the verbal abuse - and what I now realise was open dislike - started when I was about 14. I don’t even remember her, which is weird as I was an only child. She just wasn’t “there”. However, whether engulfing or ignoring, all narcissist parents have no real empathy for their children ( though may on occasion show lots of empathy to others 🤮 !). They do not see their children or their adult children. They only see themselves.
@enednas8016 ай бұрын
I had a npd dad growing up and this entire list is spot on with my experiences. The way I was treated like I didnt have a self/ego has been very debiletating as an adult.getting run over by anyone who wanted to control me and I had no way of stopping them. Never seen a therapist cos so much was "normal" to me despite feeling lost and hopeless many many times. Then I tried a Pcilocybin mushroom trip. OMG! I had flashbacks of times my npd dad was over the top abusive mentally and I remember I felt something break in me that time 25 years ago. then 1 week later all of a sudden I felt this rush of energy release in my body and then in my head making me scowl like Clint Eastwood does in any old western movie.I felt my self/ego was reborn and ever since then I know where to draw the line with people trying to exploit me. Psykedelics used right can be a powerful tool in addition to treatment for us who are npd survivors.I also had an spiritual awakeing in that trip so my view on this life existance has become better for it.mother earth touched my tormented soul and I felt my self/soul became one with the universe for a brief moment. I feel blessed and very far along the healing path :D
@sinead.7 ай бұрын
I look like the girl in the thumbnail right now my mascara all smudged from crying after the narc I was living with went threw my belongings out his front door into the snow because I asked why you would threaten to kill my goldfish. I'm realizing the narc is exactly like my dad and the abuse my dad gave me before I want no contact
@sharonjones71388 ай бұрын
Awesome video!!! Thank you for your work. I can identify with each category. Growing into adulthood was so challenging for me. Mother was (is) malignant narcissist, and father was her pawn. She lied to him about me daily and he believed everything she said. Once I began working with a therapist I started peeling back the onion and finally realized it was them, not me. I appreciate you sharing your knowledge. It’s invaluable.
@allisonandrews47197 ай бұрын
It’s our job to make things work-this says it all.
@johnliberty36478 ай бұрын
Did anyone have a mother who tried to take away things you never wanted in the first place to manipulate you? I wasn’t allowed to have anything unless my mother wanted it so she had nothing to take away from me. Then it was my fault that she had nothing to manipulate me with.
@jenna24318 ай бұрын
I had a husband who never gave me a gift that wasn't something he wanted. He waved around an ad for a Bose system and kept going on about it. I didn't care. Any guesses what "I" got my next birthday....?
@johnliberty36478 ай бұрын
Although for me it never came in the form of a gift, my mother was much like that. She would have me take part in things she wanted and treat it like she was doing me a favor. She would threaten to take these things away from me. By the time I got to be a teen I answered those threats with “Promise?”. It would anger her and she would convince herself that I was attempting reverse psychology.
@susancollins67248 ай бұрын
I've been in therapy to understand my family's behavior. Im consuming your videos - never heard this from a professional. Only experience knows experience THANK YOU
@Vixinaful8 ай бұрын
Expectations? There were none on me, I could have been a doctor and not be good enough anyway. She was ashamed I was alive. My being alive was a constant reminder of the mistake of becoming pregnant as a late teenager with a foreign man and being denied an abortion. The only thing to do was for me to break the contact nine years after she lost custody of me at 14. But the damage was done and I have had only narcissistic and some psychopathic guys who have kept damaging me. The stories Ive heard about them after leaving them are pure horror as to what they have done to women. One of them actually murdered his own wife who bore him 4 children. She had to be resusitated and now lives with brain damage. She's not even 50! I am now 46, live in complete isolation and am dead afraid of people. Therapy hasnt helped one bit because the therapists around here have no knowledge of this unless you get a private psychologist and they're too expensive. The city refuses me anymore therapy aswell so I'm screwed for life. What cluster B can do to you is... Beyond any evil you could ever imagine.
@styracosaurusqvt48417 ай бұрын
I’m deeply sorry you’ve suffered so much. I hope you find healing, and find hope and happiness, which you deserve.
@Vixinaful7 ай бұрын
@@styracosaurusqvt4841 3 weeks ago I got out of a contact with a guy who had antisocial personality disorder. It was the last relationship I will ever dare to have considering I've attracted these types since I was 14 because of my mothers abuse. (A classic case, thats how it goes) I believe these days we need to isolate from others because most of them have gone insane. I dont believe healing is possible anymore, I cant afford the kind of therapy I need so theres no real chance but to stay alive I can possible do and thats by isolation. I believe what we are seeing now is 2 Timothy 3 and Romans 1 18-32. It's all in there about mankinds state. I hope you make it, you sound kind. The world will shortly get much MUCH worse than now so prepare all you can, my friend..Prepare.
@farzanatarana48765 ай бұрын
I wasn't even allowed to cry when I was punished because Crying is what the weak do. Every time I fell sick I was told that I am pretending to be sick..even at 33 I still don't believe that I am really sick unless I am bedridden