Narcissistic Family: Emotional Abuse They Made You Believe Is Normal

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@sispain]

I agree and your not alone

[@igormendoncacanga2569]

Thank you for all that you are doing Dr. Jerry Wise. I am using three of your videos as methodological ways to work with my therapist. Wish me good luck sir. Your work is transcending borders for you have a listener even here in southwest Africa (Angola being the country) of all places and that's saying something believe me. You can probably, due to the destitute nature of the african paradigm and with the historicity of colonialism make the assumption/presumption that intergenerational mental illness and narcissistic family dynamics are very prevalent in african societies but people are very ignorant of it and it is hindering our development. I wrote you another comment yesterday in a previous video, I hope you read it sir, I reiterate my gratitude for your work, you explain it so simply which reveals epistemological wisdom in the subject matter you excel at.

[@igormendoncacanga2569]

The part about parentification is absolute genius… reveals epistemological genius.

[@sararichardson737]

I’ve learnt to dodge it. I spend the holiday period reading a slew of books from start to finish undisturbed. My ex’s family grew to not expect me to show up on Christmas Day.

[@lifeofreilly9943]

I needed to hear this today, thank you👍

[@farzanatarana4876]

I wasn't even allowed to cry when I was punished because Crying is what the weak do. Every time I fell sick I was told that I am pretending to be sick..even at 33 I still don't believe that I am really sick unless I am bedridden

[@BoldBoC]

I just realized this issue. Could need to go to the hospital and still believe I just need to sleep it off.

[@joshrevell7134]

Sounds similar to my upbringing, so I know how you feel there

[@myssimiss]

This resonates so much! I wish I could give you a hug.

[@bchristian85]

I hate this time of year. The Christmas season is the time of year society expects your to just coddle your toxic family and it's hard to get around it.

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

I would stop this toxic circuit during my 20s after my first years in a new town and employment. I would celebrate a wonderful Christmas dinner and party with friends while leaving my hypocrite parents alone, telling them I was already on ski vacation and not available. It was such a relief and liberating!

[@thatbemefool]

Don’t let it. I’m middle aged and unmarried and trust me, I took my holidays back at least 30 years ago. I REFUSED. I have my own life… The End!

[@thatbemefool]

@@Corinna_Schuett_GER- OMG ME too. I don’t know why people torture themselves.

[@aammssaamm]

and paying for the gifts for everyone. 😂

[@forgiven5919]

Yes and all the Hallmark Christmas fantasy family movies come on and its a slap in the face to remind us what we will never get.

[@TheREALLibertyOrDeath]

I have acquaintances that treat me with WAY more respect than my “family”

[@Jennifer-dw8hl]

I've often said friends are life's apology for family.

[@pinkazure808]

So true. Yet, toxic parents tell you that it is those people out there that you must watch out for.

[@larryl2398]

@@pinkazure808"They're not friends. They're acquaintances and don't give a ____ about you.'

[@honeymoonavenue97]

My whole family has told me repeatedly since I was a child that “friends can get up and leave anyday. Family is blood. That’s the real important thing.”

[@Jennifer-dw8hl]

@@pinkazure808 Yes, while never actually telling you what to watch out for.

[@PaigeSquared]

"Conditional love is abusive...you do not trade love for behavior."

[@CorbinB-Rax]

Every abrahamic household that ever existed

[@MSSHARIII]

💯💯💯

[@mbreeze2203]

​@@CorbinB-Rax It's funny how parents only know how to punish us in Ibrahimic homes but don't know the rights that they owe to us. It's said on judgment day we would be judging our parents not the other way around.

[@mandy5478]

💥💥💥

[@elirien4264]

As children, we were not PERMITTED to set boundaries, and if we did, they were not respected.

[@SFVGIRL]

It is infuriating to them. They tell you you are disrespectful to them as parents.

[@G.G.8GG]

I didn't even know that was a possibility.

[@TheeSpiritualPerspective]

​@@G.G.8GGme too. It's sad cause in my 40's, I am only learning to set boundries and teaching my 14 year old son to do the same, even with me

[@G.G.8GG]

@@TheeSpiritualPerspective I wish you all success with that. I'm in my 80's, have gained a lot of ground, but there's always room for growth.

[@TheeSpiritualPerspective]

@@G.G.8GG Well said and Thank You.

[@YodelGoat]

"As parentified children, we see others' inability to look after themselves as an invitation for us to over-function." That quote unlocked something for me. Thank you for your videos!

[@ArdShrivastav-we2zr]

Hi😊😅

[@audreyquinn73]

My alarm system was broken at a young age. I can remember several times when other people recognised and acknowledged that someone else had been rude to me or manipulative, and I often failed to see it. Abuse, in many forms, just goes under my radar until it's very obvious or outright dangerous. I feel like I am emotionally naked.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

I feel that way too…..several times friends have stood up to boyfriends and I observe in awe….bc I did not have any courage at all ……now I hope I do when I get the opportunity

[@VALiantiosous]

you put into words what i struggle to say. thank you for sharing.

[@3rdStoneObliterum]

October 1995 went no contact with my clueless, in denial, emotionally immature, blame shifting, negligent, insecure, unassimilated, verbally abusive, loveless, unlovable "parents", at the age of 31. Best fucking thing I ever did for myself

[@Dbb27]

Twenty eight years of peace! Kudos.

[@felicitybywater8012]

Me too. At 17. As difficult as it was financially and fending off user men for the next few years, I never regretted it for a second.

[@Vixinaful]

You didnt have any abusive relationships after your family? How did you manage that?

[@stevec3892]

Same here and I’m 55

[@DonnaChamberson]

I just hope to get to your point of strength one day. ❤️ Thank you.

[@holly_gmTwb]

One thing that needs to be said over and over: when you think unhealthy is "normal," you will also see healthy as "abnormal," and end up gravitating towards relationships in your own life that feel comfortable... aka "normal." Hence the abuse cycle continues. It took me years to break that cycle. So many years... 😔

[@haggai3.477]

Astute Analysis. Cue the *APPLAUSE*

[@Dbb27]

I almost left my current relationship after six months because something didn’t feel right. Fortunately I had done a lot of work on myself after leaving an emotionally unstable relationship. Me, myself and I had a long talk. I figured out that I was so used to drama that I was somehow bored. Twenty years later, I made a good decision.

[@choosejoy93]

💯💯💯💯 my husband and his family seemed so weird and "off" to me because they were a truly healthy example!!!! Its mind boggling now looking back. So grateful for my husband's patience with me while I woke up and healed 🙌🏻❤️ they have all been amazing and so supportive!

[@SuzyQpip]

So true! We see healthy as suspect, uncomfortable, it even seems fake.

[@GeminiTwinning]

Screenshotting this comment as a reminder. Thank you. I am 39 just realizing how toxic my family was. Did not know what a boundary was until last year. I used one and my mother just vanished after calling me every name, denial, blaming it all on my dad, and when that didn't work, gaslighting me and telling me I am paranoid. And I did marry a narcissist at 18. Basically my entire life has been nothing but a shitshow.

[@janeprepper177]

I was not allowed to be sad or angry. I was called horrible 'nick names'. I was the scapegoat no matter what happened. It was pretty bad.😢

[@jrg4313]

Yep. If I cried my father would raise his hand and yell at me....quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about. At age 8 I broke my arm, my writing arm. Father wrapped it it with a cloth. I fussed for 2 weeks that it hurt. I was ignored and told to quit whining. It took a teacher who told my parents my arm was broken. Finally got a cast after 2 weeks.

[@Michelle_9_27]

My mother would do that to me. Yell at me horribly, I put my head down, she would tell me by yelling to raise my head & say something. When I did, she would tell me to shut up. Everyday I was silenced & was just supposed to accept it. Very mentally abused

[@margolane3361]

I'm sorry. I wasn't allowed to be sad, my parents would punish me. I wasn't allowed to be happy or my siblings would tear me down and bully me. I ran off into the woods a lot...

[@missstranger7697]

​@@Michelle_9_27Same here. Even my older sister would behave that way to me, because our mother had more expectations from her. I admit my sister was treated poorly, but I was treated worse since I was the scapegoat of the family.

[@Michelle_9_27]

@@missstranger7697 I’m sorry ♥️

[@lynny5510]

I wasn't allowed to be sad, angry, or even be happy. My father and mother were allowed to be all those things. However I was punished for having any of those feelings. So I learned early to have no emotion and to try to be as invisible as possible.

[@amandab262]

Yeah this seems to be a common theme. Same here.

[@kristinm4005]

Same…hope you are doing ok!

[@nadiawilliams5865]

Same here. I was punished horribly for showing any emotion. But their rage apparently was okay

[@nafeezabolia9724]

Hope you are healing ,and feeling better.

[@TheREALLibertyOrDeath]

I think most people who have been emotionally abused become invisible

[@jennashen9]

My mother used to tie me up as a child. Guess she thought I would not remember. One Holiday me and my siblings and I were talking about our childhood. The subject came up about being tied up, and they said it happened to them, too. My mother, to this day, denies it ever happened. The memories of 5 children are all wrong. I have been broken my whole life and did not know why. I'm 54 and am trying to put my life back together.

[@TheREALLibertyOrDeath]

Only God can give us unconditional love. Remember, all have fallen short. All humans are sinners

[@HFTLH]

​@libertyordeath8983 that response might be well meant, but it's not helpful. I'm saying this as a believer. Everyone falls short, but not everyone abuses. God loves us with perfect love, but some people ARE capable of healthy and mostly unconditional love, while abusers aren't. I can't imagine reading a story of being tied up by your parent as a young child and thinking "we all fall short" is a helpful response.

[@irismckay6472]

I hear up. Keep doing the work that you need to love yourself. If your mother is still narcissistic, feel free to distance yourself. You deserve better. You will heal, just never give up on that beautiful little girl who had to put up with the bs behavior from childhood.

[@ednafields7549]

She was tied up as well

[@bewarefalsenonprofits]

You are not alone, I am cusping 57 and have been no contact for years yet haven't done the "Work" to recover. My Sleastack (from Land of the Lost) of a mother began primal screaming and kicked my older sister out of the house with no car keys on a.Christmas when we both dared to remember out loud that she ( alcoholic, schizophrenic, chain smoking.unshaven, greasy headed beast of a woman) picked us up from a birthday party in her underwear. It was raining and all the little girls at the party were waiting at a big picture window for the their parents to drive up. She looked like a diseased cat as she wobbled up the paved path the the front door. I'll never forget feeling as cold as ice and the gasps from the children and then the deafening silence. I remember clinging to the birthday girls Dad and begging him to not make me go with her, because I knew what follow. I'll never forget him physically putting me in the back seat and then leaning in and asking her over and over again if she was OK to drive. He worked for my pathological,. cocaine addict of an Exfather, and was probably terrified losing his job. Sadly, I was already making excuses for my awful Exparents. I remember telling the kids at school that My mom had been swimming and her bikini just looked like underwear.

[@mfar3016]

1-verbal abuse (12 subcategories) 2-gaslighting, (making you doubt yourself, lying, manipulation) 3-emotional neglect 4-conditional love 5-parentification (children forced to take on adult responsibilities or caregiving) 6-scapegoating 7-silent treatment

[@nadineelizabeth195]

7/7 marks

[@mfar3016]

@@nadineelizabeth195 right there with you. Hugs. Break the cycle.

[@dragonqueen4376]

@@mfar3016I broke the cycle after cutting off my mom and work so hard to make sure I don’t become her to my children. I often think what would my mom have done and do the opposite.

[@lakiaraduran]

I have been harmed by all 7. Fuck that. Determined to heal and am making headway with the guidance of a somatic therapist. Many blessings on our process to heal from this awful shit

[@clararoberts4334]

Your comment reaaaaaaalllyyyy resonated with me. I do the EXACT SAME THING with my children. ❤️ ​@@dragonqueen4376

[@samchiorean3919]

At 7 years old I was in charge of my 10 months old sister. With the house key around my neck, I had to take her to nursing school, 6 days, a week. later on in life, I had to do almost everything for her. Including getting her up in the mornings as she was "imune" to the alarm clock. I am convinced I decided not to have children on my own because I always felt I already did my "job" as a parent.

[@normbograham]

My adoptive parents adopted me and my brother, but then made my mothers child the parent. ouch.

[@patrickconnolly7799]

Thank you for sharing that. I can relate to what you said. I'm still healing,--now that I can look back with with adult knowledge.

[@JessAnonymous]

I'm sorry. I absolutely hate that and refuse to make my kids go through this (whenever I decide to have children)

[@Jennifer-dw8hl]

Acting like their child's needs are an extraordinary hardship, how dare you get between them and their addiction.

[@youtubename7819]

I remember my mother screaming at me because I asked for groceries I could pack for lunch. I said I was confused because I didn’t understand what she was eating for breakfast or lunch since there was no food in the house. She had been going out to restaurants every day…

[@Jennifer-dw8hl]

@@youtubename7819 I'm sorry that was your childhood experience, I had to steal from my dad's change stash for cigarettes so I could afford school supplies. In his mind I'm still a thief, he accused me of stealing stuff he lost later in life and his behavior is why I don't talk to him anymore. "We found the stuff" was the closest he could come to an apology. I wish you well on your recovery journey and thank you for sharing.

[@laurastuff1984]

@@youtubename7819 i’m sooo sorry for you. my gkids went through that. i was CONSTANTLY taking them food bc they'd call me & say there was nothing- but she would get mad AT ME and say there was!!! now my oldest grandson at 18 is OVEREATING bc he can and making himself sick A LOT! please take care🙏

[@koolbeans8292]

I stuttered and wet the bed until age 17 in a perfectly normal dysfunctional family. Why did I stop during my senior year? Hmmm? Maybe it was because my dad took a job away from home and was gone 90% of that time period and their golden boy, my older brother moved out and I was able to come out from behind the curtain of threats and shine my light. And that is what I did. I know in my heart that defending myself against a bullying older brother was the underlying preparation for becoming the first State Champion wrestler in my High School's history. And it was thee ONLY match that my dad saw my senior year....AND I remember him telling me afterwards, "Now don't be getting too big for your britches!" I went on to become a chiropractor, graduating at age 40. They both had their health, the time, and the money, but failed to attend. And then continue the lifetime of gaslighting, emotional abuse, by telling me at age 59, that I think I have become arrogant because of my piece of paper, my "doctors degree" in Chiropractic. And that I think that I am so much better than the rest of their kids. That was eight years ago. They are in their late 80s, and they haven't changed one bit. I have been no contact for eight years. and I am doing great. Except that I did, and still do over- explain myself. Enmeshment? I'd say! But, they always told me that they loved me... Get away from them!!!

[@lovejumanji5]

I got tricked with the” I love you “ When I graduated nursing school my dad said “I’ll be proud of you when you’re a doctor “ Mother said nothing. Father danced wedding song I picked out for my wedding, with my sister at her wedding ! 😅 I’m glad you got a clue at a younger age !

[@renticat]

I still over explaining myself also i hate it because i want to be loved but then people wouldn't understand in some culture the family is like never wrong, you are the wrong ones is so toxic.

[@toyfjforty9686]

I can relate to every word you typed... our details differ, but many of the same lessons !! Your closing phrase has been my perspective beginning back in 1982+ and 'subliminally'[sp?] age 10-30 ! Best wishes, comrade.

[@vlst8715]

That is the most inspiring story I've read in a long while. And it's rather interesting how narcs react to your success. My story is similar, and if my abusers call me an arrogant bastard now, I live for it! That boosts my ego a little. Because I was never allowed to have an ego. I was nothing more than dust under their soles. If even they can acknowledge it now, that means I have managed to turn the tables completely. Not that it matters at all, I just find the irony of the situation pretty amusing. Really puts things into perspective.

[@moimeme6533]

Thanks for sharing and for finding a path to rise above the dysfunction (and hopefully breaking the intergenerational cycle). Just wondering what was your father’s relationship like with _his_ parents?….hmmm.

[@vickybee5842]

Narcissistic parents are so controlling and manipulative, and this made their children believe that whatever their parents say is the law; when somebody outside the family makes a point about the wrong mentality, that person becomes the enemy and would hate that person for life. They live in a false reality, they can't see the truth.

[@mimi42428]

You have described my ex husband and his family to a T. I became the enemy for pointing out that abuse, control, enmeshment... Isn't love. They have tried their hardest to destroy me. Glad to be divorced. At almost 40 he still acts like a child and sees his parents and siblings as god like and can do no wrong. Meanwhile he treated me like his worst enemy for just seeing them for who they are

[@orianam9835]

Like Megan Markle

[@bennigoddess]

Yes!

[@BugDrivenExplorer]

I just e-mailed my parents a letter explaining why I want to go NC for a year. It was hard to come to this decision. And my parents responded saying I’m sensitive and that physical and verbal abuse happens in every family. Grateful to have communities like this that remind you to trust the evidence.

[@kristinm4005]

This is the fear of attempting to reconcile. Somehow the parent(s) are always the victim and you are always the oversensitive one. Sorry you got that response, hope you have a great 2024!

[@antinatalist9995]

When I dumped mine, I got yelled and and told, everyone makes mistakes. Huge relief to have got away from them, but never got away from what they did.

[@aunabreslingaming3279]

The this is not their business

[@annafirth6738]

Mine would have just ignored the email. Don't know if that's better or worse, but I suppose that's the idea.

[@krystalbeth]

So proud of you ❤️ good job on breaking the cycle. Their behaviour is not normal and is toxic.

[@pavla2055]

Going NO CONTACT is a last resort attempt at self preservation usually arrived at almost too late to assuage the mental , emotional and physical damage done by narcissistic families .

[@kristinm4005]

This is why its so frustrating when people are confused as to why you cut your family out. Ive met lots of people that dont understand how much it took before I finally took that step. Its not a rash decision over one disagreement.

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@kristinm4005 They see us as the "ungrateful daughter/son" who didn't take care of their aging parent(s). We were expected to give them what they never gave us.

[@ChristopherMHeaps]

But never too late to be the right choice.

[@Whatnow90]

Of course we have already been labeled as “the problem”.

[@Whatnow90]

There will never be a meaningful conversation.

[@gojiberry7201]

I had to reach out to my dad recently. I said I was still going to stay no contact with my mother. He said my mom has "her own version of history," which made me think he doesn't believe me when I share about her bad behavior. I seriously started questioning myself -- did it all happen like I thought? Then my dad said my autism was caused by my mental health meds. 😐 Yeah, I'm staying no contact.

[@ladennayoung2939]

I'm sorry you went through that. I pray that things get better for you IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN. ❤❤❤

[@David-eu1ms]

I used to think I had autism, and I might, but it's more likely that I learned dysfunctional styles of relating to the world and the people in it, I think it can be reversed with time in a healthy environment.

[@gojiberry7201]

@@David-eu1ms I guess there's a lot about the brain and environment we still don't know a lot about yet. I wonder if a lot of us will have different "diagnoses" in 50 years (well, I'll be dead, but for the kids) In 2002 they thought I was bipolar, but not anymore. I think trauma molds us wayyy more than people previously thought, and more study needs to be done on it

[@missveronica8393]

​@@David-eu1msI showed signs of autism from birth, they've also done studies on the brain and shown that autistic brains are different to neurotypical brains, but I definitely think that there are behaviours and patterns of dysfunction in families that can cause problems you're pointing out.

[@Lyrielonwind]

​@@gojiberry7201 I have complex PTSD and now I'm doubting if I have some level of ADHD or is emotional disregulation... maybe both? Anyway, I have spent three years and severe fight and flight response and now I'm stuck in a freeze response. I can't see the end of the tunnel.

[@chunkysocks8121]

I’m in my 30s and pregnant with my own daughter now. It has made me a lot less forgiving of my mom’s BS. There is no way I could ever treat my child the way she treated me. I grew up feeling like an object. I never mattered to her at all. Everything is always my fault. I deserve whatever cruel thing she says every time. She is broken.

[@erickaa_be]

learn to forgive through Jesus because it will only hurt you in the long run. Break that generational curse so ur child won’t suffer the same way. unfortunately the cycle is those manipulated become the manipulator if we try to fix things on our own

[@chunkysocks8121]

@ the bible says not to forgive the unrepentant. my mom isn’t sorry and will continue to hurt anyone who tries to extend kindness or good faith to her. i am out of pity.

[@erickaa_be]

@@chunkysocks8121 what verse

[@orianam9835]

Was she born ok and safe ?😊

[@chunkysocks8121]

@ yes! she’s 8 months old and just the best. ❤️

[@BB-fo5mr]

You were groomed to their ego, not to what is right or wrong. And they attached “right and wrong” to their ego”, without you realizing it (when you were growing up, and your mind was malleable - literally, from a Nueropsychological standpoint)

[@r1234233]

This exactly, and its even worse when they're religious their ego now becomes god!!

[@VelvetJazz]

EXACTLY. HARD STOP!!

[@glittergal4160]

⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠@@r1234233Exactly! They stand in the way of the true God by twisting & perverting him to their own wants, like with most everything else for them. It’s disgusting, but it’s so easy for people around them to fall into their snares… and those people notice the negative effects of being around them later. That’s how cults are made…God help us 🙏

[@BB-fo5mr]

Yep, agreed

[@BB-fo5mr]

*neuro

[@Nomen.Monniker]

Remember "The Addams Family," the parents were deeply in love and acted romantic with each other, but their family was "weird," and "abnormal." That was a brilliant social commentary.

[@kobra4422]

I love Addams family. I could watch the movies so many times when I dislike most "family movies". They loved each other and didn't care abt "fitting in".

[@Dbb27]

Everyone was accepted. It was a great show.

[@N1S4444]

They also had clear boundaries/rules for their children, showed loved and acceptance of their children, and were involved in their lives.

[@reesedaniel5835]

Yes and they should have named it the CAINS FAMILY, not Adams....which is more narcissistic projection of these serpents who run hollywood and the TV industry!!

[@centozo]

The Addams family wasn't toxic.

[@annaburns2865]

Yep. Most kids grow up thinking that their parents are normal. I definitely believed in that. I had nothing else to go by. I thought everyone’s dad verbally abused them. 🤷‍♀️

[@sneznovak]

Same here! Then I moved far away, married a pastor and got to know many families very closely. I then realized how my family functions is not how most of other families function. Observing other families I learned what I experienced was in many ways very unhealthy. I try not to repeat it with my husband and kids.

[@jrg4313]

Yep!!

[@missstranger7697]

Same here. But as an adult thinking about it, I wouldn't go back in time. Whatever happened, belongs to the past.

[@reesedaniel5835]

I thought that too until I began spending the night with my friends and saw how differently and respectfully their parents treated them.

[@HFTLH]

I actually grew up kind of thinking we were better than other people. Narcissistic fleas I guess. Thank God I snapped out of that eventually.

[@candorablecando8093]

I was never allowed to show emotion. If I were angry or sad or even happy or silly, I was “just trying to get attention.” And, “who do think you are?” One of my father’s nicknames for me was “Big Dummy”. I learned to make myself “small” so I wouldn’t be a bother. My parents didn’t seem to like me and I didn’t know why. I was constantly told I was self-centered. I think their way of parenting was to make me not stuck up or think I was better than anyone else so they came down hard on me to keep me in check. I was always wrong and everyone else was always right. I spent my entire adulthood not speaking up for myself in relationships or in the workplace because I really believed I was always wrong and I should bear the brunt of disrespect or disappointment because that’s what I deserved. Now I’m in my 60’s and I’m finally coming out of it.

[@JessAnonymous]

God bless you ❤ I wish you all the best in your recovery. You're never too old to heal

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Put the shame back where it belongs….to Big Dummy dad

[@saythankyou111]

Same….🥺

[@marjoriegarner5369]

I'm glad you're "coming out of it," as you say, in your sixties. I'm in my 80s, and my son is treating me as his dad treated me for 25 yrs. I'm a grandmother of 5. He must have complete control of everything I say or do. Also he's an alcoholic since about 14. He's 60 next year. I'm not well, and scared of him. Don't have a working car. It's 22 yrs old, high- mileage, like me. Trapped.

[@sarahb4484]

Isolation to me as an adult is the best thing that exists to protect myself against the lies of the world. After suffering from my ex husband narcissistic abuse and his family…

[@marciestoddard730]

You can also heal. And slowly bit by bit pick yourself up..orrr u can isolate which seems unhealthy.

[@missstranger7697]

​@@marciestoddard730 When you heal yourself, people guilt trip you and take it personally. That is why isolation is also a solution, even though it really is a bad habit.

[@mayamartin7359]

I am in the same boat. My isolation is so satisfying and feels like a huge win. I am living life on my own terms and nobody gets to infringe on my boundaries and emotions anymore. But, I heard this caller on the Dr John Delony Show who hadn’t been hugged or had any physical touch for nine years … while I enjoy my own company and am relishing my isolation, a part of me worries I’m at a very real risk of ending up like her.

[@Sarahwithanh444]

I never learned self love growing up - I learnt self loathing instead. It’s taken such a long time to learn to love myself and not loathe my very existence.

[@codychickadee5095]

I'm still struggling with yhis even as a father at 38 years of age. Sometimes I feel so pathetic

[@GodsChildIRL]

I felt that. What helps me is looking at myself on blank slate without counting my family against me if that makes sense. I realize I have a good life and I am a good person.

[@ashleynieves6454]

My husband tells me I’m the hardest person to love but he stuck with me lol I have no clue how to love myself but I’m working on it

[@Not_Ciel]

Enmeshment is a huge one for me. My mother refuses to respect me as my own person. She doesn’t seem to understand the concept of me being an independent human being. Nothing I tell her makes a difference and I’ve literally tried to spell it out when I was going to move out. “Kids grow up, become an adult, move out on their own and have their own family. How am I supposed to have my own family if I stay here for my entire life?”. She still didn’t get it (or at least acted like she didn’t). I moved out anyway. Maybe now she’ll have some time to think on it.

[@JustaGirlinCleveland]

Mine thought on it…. And then proceeded to make me feel guilty for not staying. When I set boundaries I was unfriended, blocked, cut off on everything and told to never call again. It’s been 7 years. If she’s not getting her narcissistic supply from you any longer, expect a lash back. Peace to you!

[@Lyrielonwind]

About competition, narcissists see competition in everybody. They are always competing even when there's no competition at all. If you say you have walked a mile, they have walked ten in less time than you. I have even seen narcissists bragging about their good health and then, someone complained about a physical condition and they switched so they were bearing more pain than anyone in the world... it's so ... crazy? I can't find a word for that.

[@stefarfa52]

It's called "one uping". This is my sister.

[@Zombiecupcake157]

My dad always says “I’m more tan than you!” And also, “My hair is longer than yours!”….yeah he has a terrible rat tail.

[@Emile-philia]

I recognise that when a parent behaves as if completely unable to acknowledge their child's perspective, emotions, boundaries, integrity, and instead thrusts upon their child their perspective and emotions and calling them facts of life, that is emotional incest. The child learns to escape reality in their home setting and develop escapist addictions, substances, shopping, scrolling, gaming, pornography, hookups, fantasies (can be narcissism OR codependence), obsessions and compulsions. These can be undone by understanding their origin, processing the early experiences, being witnessed as a real self and realising who we are. Needless to say I have described myself at a few points there. Thanks for another video! 🙏

[@kobra4422]

Very well said. I've got heavily dissociated bc: one, my individuality was not acknowledged so I had to be hypervigilant to know how to please everybody. Two: reality was too painful to face and impossible to escape.

[@amberinthemist7912]

Excellent insight!

[@sirenachantal471]

Parentification - this includes managing the feelings of the narcissist, especially anger and if that parent is physically abusive. The child will then do everything they can to be sure that the narcissist is stable. The child might also confuse the narcissist’s sadness for anger because that’s just as potentially dangerous. The explosive raging sessions is something that isn’t discussed much in NPD circles. Sometimes they go on for hours, like 3 hours or go long, like to midnight. Or are done in front of the whole family, forcing the family to stay and witness it. Sometimes the other parent will be dismissive of their own child’s physical abuse and say something like, well that was nothing like what the narcissist went through as a child. I think all kids of narcissists have some level of parentification because of this.

[@xenia6761]

Oh my god! Yes! Walking around on eggshells because my father had the habit to blow up for no apparent reason. Like a song that gave him nostalgia or something. Or a smell that would remind him of a bad date that he had with my mother before they got married. He would rage for HOURS blaming my mother for not being loyal enough while keeping my brother and me in the room so we had to watch. Eventually he would let us go to bed at 3am because he remembered that we had to go to school in the morning. He beat my mom up several times and made me cover her black eyes with make up ( I was 15 at the time). At some point he put a cigarette out on her shoulder and for years she wouldn’t admit that he did it. All of that is so fucked up. When confronted my parents still try to argue that “all of our issues were between us and weren’t supposed to affect you kids”. Well, they did.

[@josephineananda]

This is my story.

[@pattyrooney1323]

I@@josephineananda

[@CRD-hi6vk]

We definitely need to have more videos on narcissistic explosive rage. They can run on for hours or even all night and and long term narcissistic injury they carry for months or years after the explosive rage.

[@laurastuff1984]

sooo true that the rage aspect (like the N. topic itself was until yrs recently) is too slowly being addressed & discussed. believe me bc i've been years researching so many topics / situations and THAT specificity isn't prevalent. the keeping 'THEM' balanced is soooo self destructive; both in THAT moment & later in life. before my self-educated awareness of 1- Narcissism itself & 2- that my adult daughter IS one... when i would return my oldest grandson (12-14 yrs approx) to her (bc he walked to our house after some incident with his mother and i usually wasn't speaking to her bc she had raged & beaten the crap out of me...) but i would take a few mins in the car & suggest to him examples of how to approach walking back in & things to say to his mom ---- ya know, bc i assumed it was just teenager/parent NORMAL issue stuff he always replied, " NO! i can't do that, nonni! i can't talk to her. it won't matter WHAT i say!" I could never understand that at THAT time. my God... the poor thing just inherently knew he couldn't navigate ANY TYPE of discussion with her - that he couldn't win. fast forward years to now --- i'm soooo helpless as his grandmother in trying to help him @ 18 where i see him repeating the behaviors & establishing patterns that have hurt him so. i’m reverting back to those old feelings i had in my own situation with her of sadness/anger...soooo... i’m narrowing down counselors (WISE is 1 of 5) that I want to hire to try and help him and that's why I'm in the comment section here. i was pretty much done with my narcissism awareness education and now I'm right back in it trying to help him before it's too late.

[@carparthero]

narcissistic family: emotional abuses that they made you believe is normal 1-verbal abuse 2-gaslighting, (making you doubt yourself, lying, manipulation) 3-emotional neglect 4-conditional love 5-parentification (children forced to take on adult responsibilities or caregiving) 6-scapegoating 7-silent treatment 8-emotional manipulation 9-isolation (limiting your social development) 10-enmeshment (denial of your personality) 11-extension (you are forced to live based on the narcissist's thoughts, feelings and demands) 12-role assignment (golden child, black sheep, caregiver, scapegoat) cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁

[@violetw2653]

Every damned one of these resonates, it's so sad to think of the years that have been stolen from me and how socially stunted I am, how poorly I function, just doing basic things that most people take for granted like going to work and getting back is such a huge insurmountable task for me, it is absolute torture to have to be around others too, going out anywhere causes such panic and anxiety....

[@weareallone-zw3qh]

I can so relate to this Violet, wishing you healing.

[@NANASplash]

I often crash between Halloween and Jan. 1. The holidays were absolute torture for years. I continue to struggle during this time, but it gets better every year. I’m 72 now.

[@annaburns2865]

What makes me so mad is when your friends and people you see in the community act like it’s normal too. Narcissists couldn’t get away with this if society was good. But society is becoming more and more toxic and abusive.

[@rosettesionne9139]

The thing when you grow up with narcissists is that you tend to develop a wrecked sense of Justice nor right and wrong. Abnormal behaviors are normalised and acceptable or simple mistakes are badly punished so either you end up being a people pleaser or you become narcissistic yourself. You start to rationalize toxic behaviors and you become toxic yourself at the end you don't know how to relate with other people and you end up hurting them without noticing. I developed high narcissistic traits myself, like anger issues, insubordination, and manipulation, because verbal abuse and threats was how I grew up and now I discovered that these behaviors are not normal but that is how I was educated.

[@christinefarris6985]

All of this! ❤

[@Lyrielonwind]

Find your triggers and do inner child work. It's tough but worth it. Being narcissistic won't make you happy. You might have only narcissistic fleas since you are conscious.

[@caroleminke6116]

Reactive abuse isn’t narcissistic personality disorder ❤

[@gobigirl1]

​@Lyrielonwind Certainly no pressure, but could you say more about what inner child work involves? Do you mean learning to listen to your younger self more kindly, and learning to be your own kind parent? I found one healthy friend I met in my mid-twenties enormously helpful for unlearning my narc family's unspoken rules. Just by being his honest, warm, forthright self. And pointing my weird behaviors out, without shaming me: " I can't read your mind. You'll have to tell me what you would like to do." And modeling healthy conflict and (inadvertently) teaching me how to do that :)

[@OkieDokie-ft5pm]

@@caroleminke6116 Plus one, Carole! Thanks for correcting that person about the reality of REACTIVE ABUSE. (So that they don't assume an unfair burden they NEVER should have in the first place) PS--makes this 50-year-old dude want to put in that classic Carole King album "Tapestry" again. I think I will put it en queue already

[@angelinaballerina4132]

You hit the nail on the head. My father, who is a covert alcoholic narcissist, took me to see a counselor when I was 11 years old. When the counseled asked him why we were there, my father said “Because Angelina is the root of all of our family problems.” I will never forget how that felt. I am now 46 years old and my father has been giving me the silent treatment since June 2007- I am still not sure of the exact reason. And don’t get me started on my mother. She is a sociopath who is constantly trying to destroy my reputation and relationships. I definitely prefer the silent treatment over what she does. At least my father leaves me alone…

[@wms72]

I'm so sorry they mistreated you . May Jesus heal you. IN NOMINE PATRIS ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI. +AMEN

[@Dbb27]

No contact works.

[@lilc5353]

I'm sorry 😞 Live well and heal yourself ❤

[@bobbym104]

Usually the counselor has to break it to the parent that it's not the kid, YOU'RE the problem and the parent freaks and they never go back to that counselor ever again.

[@tinkingtinking2134]

This is my story only I was sent to councilling at age 15 because they couldn't control me, meaning i wouldn't go along with the status quo, and i was drinking and smoking a bit of dope not knowing I was an alcoholic till i was 40. I kept running away from home because i was unhappy, i was the scapegoat child and i was always sitting in doubt, fear, confusion and isolation. I was physically abused by one of my sisters and our dad was absent alot but when at home he was cruel and controlling and beat up our animals. Our mum was always saying don't tell your father, dont talk when your dad gets home, dont sit in his chair or make any noise, we walked on egg shells. When i was 18 my narcissistic mother met her biological father and he smoked dope, so now it was ok to smoke dope AND grow it, also their drinking got worse, she also got my narcissistic father smoking dope. My sisters blamed me, which wasn't a shock as they always blamed me when things went wrong, but when they wanted or needed something would ask me for help, im also the Empath and rescuer. Then my parent's got busted for growing dope so they sold the house and moved interstate, this was also my fault because my ex husband was looking for me and jumped their fence, neighbours called the police and saw the plants in the back yard. Not once was it my parents fault for growing the dope, my sisters rallied around my mum and dad and said how could she do this to you, you have to choose 3 daughters or 1, I think you can guess who they chose. My mum died 3 years ago, one of my sisters contacted me, I haven't seen any of them for over 25 years and i went to see my dad, huge mistake, he said I've never taken responsibility for what I did to this family , that my mum loved me as a daughter but hated me as a person, my sisters have never forgiven me for making mum cry all the time, mean while I hadn't seen her for 8 years. He told me he hated my mother in the end and that she committed suicide. I was devastated that they were still blaming me, I'm 55 now and even though I'm aware of what's going on it still hurts to know it was never, ever going to be a happy ending no matter what I did. I went to AA hoping if i got help with my drinking they would stop hating me, I've been sober now for 16 years, I don't go to councilling anymore, I know what the answer is, NO CONTACT. I've done everything I can and now I can sleep at night knowing it's never been my fault. I don't know what really happened to my mum, how she died but I know it wasn't my fault.

[@essencer.9494]

i was grossly neglected/abused as a child. Self-love wasn't only untaught; it very clearly was not allowed. Nothing would get me punished deeper... I know why now.

[@rw20000]

unfortunately i can relate to that

[@angelika87]

yep I got lectures not to act stuck up when I showed healthy self esteem

[@styracosaurusqvt4841]

I’m sorry you suffered so much. I hope you find healing.

[@essencer.9494]

@@styracosaurusqvt4841 thank you. I am

[@sandrakellstrom8097]

@@angelika87 My mother hated me putting on makeup. She would stand at the bathroom door and say, "Do you think you're beautiful? How could you possibly be beautiful? Look at your family. You'll never be beatiful". She told me that professional men wouldn't look at me because they wanted "pretty" women. She once came unhinged because I said I loved a professional photo by saying, " I'd love a photo like that". She said, "SHE"S PRETTY!" with such disdain. I was out of line for thinking I had anything going for me. No one in my family witnessed it, but she had no problem humiliating me in front of strangers. I couldn't do anything right and my "attitude" was egotistical. She really destroyed me and then blamed me for being destroyed. She once told me I was the reason she didn't have any friends. But she didn't' notice that I had no friends. Monster and mother both begin with an "M".

[@sallypitts7659]

I'm a senior citizen now, but I was never shone the kind of love, especially from my dad, that teaches a child how to love others. Even now, I don't know how to be close to anyone. I've been married 3 times, failed at all three. Yeah, like I said, I'm a senior citizen. But I still don't know how to have a close relationship with anyone.

[@suzannemeade6335]

DITTO. My childhood too.

[@monicaluketich6913]

I received no love from my narcissistic mother. Her favorite lines were: "If you did x,y,z you would look better." I thought I was one step away from needing a paper bag over my head so as not to scare people. I'm not gorgeous (I also never spent 45 minutes every morning putting on my face), but I am attractive. Another line was, "What would the neighbors think?!" In third grade, she thought I was having a nervous breakdown - did she take me to a doctor? NO. What would the neighbors think? Take coming from a mother who HAD a nervous breakdown after I was born. Makes me wonder how she coped with a baby at that time. Thank goodness my grandparents took care of me for the 3 weeks she stayed in the hospital - but because I bonded with them, I also thought I had been adopted when I had "a new mom." Mentioned that at a large party with all my friends and their parentd there (I was about 30 at the time), and I thought my mother would faint! I am the last of my immediate family still living, and it is peaceful.

[@jenna2431]

Right there with you.

[@mnarmstrong2006]

I’m so sorry this happened to you and that this has been your life experience as a result of not being shown the love that you, and we all, deserve as children being raised by our parents. You deserved better, and I am praying for you. Your comment really hit me in the heart tonight, and I just wanted you to know that I empathize and find it brave that you are able to face these things in the later stages of your life. Keep going, keep watching videos and keep seeking to learn about the love that you want to be able to feel from others and give to others. It’s never too late. ❤️

[@ebonyblack4563]

Reminder to other survivors of abusive families: When disfunction and abuse was 'normal' stable and emotionally mature people can be quite weird to be near.

[@carolinecarter6874]

58 yrs old and beyond exhausted by these self-serving, entitled, cruel cardboard cutouts! They've gone now and ....I'm trying! There's definitely peace but the damage is unfathomable! I hurt and i hurt for other's and the impact these creatures will have on them! They should come with a health warning! We must become conscious of our enabling behaviour....this would greatly stop the cruel behaviour of these entities!

[@sifromwales5452]

My birthday is on Xmas day. My mother always made it a horrible time for me. She would blatantly blank anything I ever said and if anyone mentioned my birthday, she'd hijack it and make it about her giving birth on Xmas day. She became more and more abusive over the years to the point where I actually believed I deserved it. My older sister saw it all and never took my side, excusing her outrageous behaviour. I'm 60 now and alone but the Christmas period is still a very difficult time, even though I now know I'd never deserved such hateful abuse. The control she had over me was all pervasive. Forgiveness is the key but we need to recognise the reality of the abuse we suffered to move on. Love to all.

[@bsdude010]

My mom also thinks my birthday and my sisters birthday is her day for giving birth. I thought it was selfish but now i see it's a narcissist trait.

[@4514rooster]

When the cops ask why I haven’t been reporting all the abuse over the years… I thought if I ignored them it would stop.

[@ValSMITH-it4lg]

Never occurred to me to report the abuse. I assumed all families were like that.

[@jasminegibson3681]

It took me years to realize my mother was a narcissist. Everything I accomplished was her/their accomplishment, my birthday was her birthday too, I wasn't allowed to go to anyone's house or ride my bike much if at all. No clubs, no walking to school, being my mother’s little therapist from birth and hearing all her complaints, the list goes on. It's taken 15 years of being out of that house to finally start healing and reprogramming my brain. It's still a struggle sometimes. Thank you for shedding light on more aspects I hadn’t considered ❤

[@JanGroh]

Huh, lightbulb: enmeshment is abuse. Boy do I have some changes to make with some "friends" now...

[@Freefolkcreate]

Lies are a theft of truth. Abuse is always a way of stealing power from others and giving them pain, shame, and dysfunction for their trouble.

[@Emefur1]

My mother was an ignoring narcissist, so some of the above did not happen. Most of the verbal abuse - and what I now realise was open dislike - started when I was about 14. I don’t even remember her, which is weird as I was an only child. She just wasn’t “there”. However, whether engulfing or ignoring, all narcissist parents have no real empathy for their children ( though may on occasion show lots of empathy to others 🤮 !). They do not see their children or their adult children. They only see themselves.

[@amberinthemist7912]

My father would go into narc rages for hours. Sometimes for reasons that weren't ever known to me. Then when I would complain to my mom she would tell me I should be grateful that they weren't allowing relatives to rape me like had been done to her and my dad's sister (both parents came from homes where csa was common place obviously separate houses). I didn't realize how profoundly damaging that was for me. It always felt like a threat like she was going to let it happen any time if she wanted to. It was such a great threat that it really kept me in line. That was my mom's message growing up "be grateful for your abuse or I'll make it worse." And now people will wonder why we don't speak anymore.

[@northstar5919]

Omg💜

[@nimanixo]

I really can’t comprehend how some parents can be like this to their own children

[@David-eu1ms]

When I set a boundarie it makes people very uncomfortable, and I usually have to reinforce a couple of times before it works, eventually the person will refuse to spend time with me.

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

And good riddance. People who care about you understand and respect boundaries.

[@pinkazure808]

I think it is great that you're setting boundaries.

[@alpal87]

The hardest thing is that my parents didn’t protect me from the abuse and engaged in it. They still have not condemned the poor behavior from the narc sister or other siblings. I was never a priority in the family. Merely an afterthought. This is why people shouldn’t have the number of kids they do.

[@NayabImtiaz001]

The way I relate to it. 😢 I am so sorry

[@fightback397]

An afterthought , that is what people think in the end of themselves .

[@jeankipper6954]

" I didn't say you did it. I said we are blaming you. ". Followed with a whipping.

[@marycumming8461]

I live in a town where military families settle and retire in California. Unfortunately, these things are the normal in society here. So many of my peers also had narcissist parents and bosses. It's pretty bad. Thankfully, my husband is blessed with an amazing boss and job that treats us very well. 😊 Note: I'm grateful for our veterans and their service, but the military can be a place where narcissists thrive and go under the radar...

[@aammssaamm]

Military families everywhere is a childhood disaster.

[@featherweldon3632]

Sadly as an army brat whose father was also an army brat whose family was run by a narcissistic father, I’d have to agree. Both parents were in the military. Sometimes I feel like I was raised by a drill sergeant instead of a nurturing mother.

[@amberinthemist7912]

Yep the military and churches are magnets for power hungry narcs!

[@lillianbarker4292]

Ooh….isolation! I never realized before that my family did this or how harmful it was. My brother and sister and I have always been isolated with only one or two friends all through our lives. 😢

[@ashanein]

I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you talk about enmeshment, Jerry. Not enough therapists do talk about it and it's so toxic and maddening. It IS abusive and it's created an immense amount of shame in me. Lots of healing to do. Thank you for validating this experience!!!!

[@theoriginal7727]

+parentification!!

[@ashanein]

@@theoriginal7727 yuuuuuuuuup

[@Armygirl4Christ]

💯

[@DHW256]

You're so right, Jerry. As small children, we appreciated there were problems -- good parents don't condemn their children with "I hate you!" or try to kill themselves in front of them. However, we didn't know what "normal" was. Thankfully God put a lot of wonderful people in my path, especially after I left home: they showed me there is genuine love, genuine peace and understanding.

[@Coetzeefamilystead]

The abuse made us believe we didn't deserve better, so we think abuse is the best we will ever get...you just gotta choose which abuse is better to live with...unfortunately

[@richardjohanson612]

I don't like animosity, so you confront it... then they ghost you.

[@rdwrer1331]

This is totally what occurred when I finally set a text/email only boundary. My oldest sister went silent, then she blamed me saying I was the one who was silent. Now she's telling all the family members I'm schizophrenic. I totally have a tough time forgiving that wretched ..... but I want to be released from all the anger. She seriously talked with me on the phone so much, once a week. She would call. Now? 0 relationship, I'm dead to her, and I love it. It's so nice to not have her in my life. I don't miss her AT ALL.

[@mare2723]

People expect that everyone has friends and family this time of year and we don’t and it doesn’t mean we’re terrible people. If somebody doesn’t adopt me soon as a friend or a family member I’m not gonna make it I’m too old now been through too much I still have a lot of love to give Hope this falls on the right eyes and heart

[@laurastuff1984]

😢 i am RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE... plzzzz believe that. it's not good. please reach out more OR to me. we can 180 this place we're residing in our hearts/minds. PLEASE

[@ashleighant]

Are narcissist parents aware that they are sabotaging, competing, and comparing with their children? My parents have competed with me my whole life and secretly removed opportunities from me and my brother. I am also blamed for all their financial issues instead of their gambling habits. I was told at 11 years old that it was my fault they filed for bankruptcy.

[@TheREALLibertyOrDeath]

Jeez

[@xenia6761]

Oh my dear! This is so heartbreaking. So much to carry for a child! My sister in law witnessed her mother having an affair when she was six years old. Then her mother told her “if you want mummy and daddy to get along, you don’t tell anybody!” Also, I have a friend who grew up with her narcissistic grandmother because her mom committed suicide when my friend was 9 years old. That evil psycho of a grandmother told my friend, a nine year old child, that it was her fault her mother killed herself. People are wicked. Makes it hard to breathe sometimes. There are so many of us affected by that type of family stuff. I wish everyone on their healing journey peace of mind. Let it end with you ❤❤❤❤❤

[@ashleighant]

​@xenia6761 thank you❤ I'm trying!

[@wasntme3651]

I also used to wonder if they know but as time goes by and I learn more about what a narcissist is I think they absolutely know. They are sick and twisted to a degree it’s mind boggling. I remember when I bought my first new car and took it to show my dad he smugly said good job. A week later he went out and got a new car. He never liked to see me doing good. I have been no contact for over ten years and part of me wants to write him and tell him how he is a fkd piece of 💩but then he’d play his games and try to use it against me. Alan. R. T. Is a pos

[@larryl2398]

Ever been told how much it cost to raise you? Or how much was spent on Christmas gifts over the years?

[@paulczubryt8644]

I just had a eureka moment. I never thought parentification applied to my family, but I realize that it totally does. My parents would go on these business trips that sometimes lasted for weeks. My parents would never get a babysitter, we would never go to a relative's place. My abusive older brother would watch us, and then Id have to watch once that brother left home.

[@PaigeSquared]

It was assumed that once I was legally old enough to be left home with my younger siblings, that I would be. Every day before and after school, until dinner time. I did not have the interpersonal skills required for that level of time and responsibility. I never actually got parenting after that age, either, they stopped trying to teach me anything or talk to me about morals or whatever normal families talk about.

[@r1234233]

my parents were always working just to stay in a middle class area that they couldn't afford. Then when they were home there was always physical fights. we never ate together ever even when I was young. My brothers never dealt with me and everyone just assumes everything about me without ever asking questions. I was kicked out at 19 and no one even helped I didn't know how to sort my life out and realised my parents taught me nothing. I don't speak to them except my dad who is the only one I like even though he never listens, misconstrues everything I say, tells everyone things I tell him in confidence. I don't talk to them and now I'm the bad guy even though now I've gone back to university to study biochemistry. When I chose to make this decision during lock down, after having to move to a new place because my landlord was selling the house and I couldn't find a job in my new area, I asked my mom could I stay, she said yes, then rang me up the next day I'm divorcing your dad so you have to find somewhere else. Am I wrong for not talking to them? whenever my mom has an issue she will scream smash things, kick you out, but if you have an issue with her then she will come up with every excuse not to take accountability act like she's forgot then turn everything on me. I've never had my emotions considered. Am I the ass hole?

[@shirleydavis5629]

As though being flip flop is ok & it is not ok. You are clear minded, looking toward your future. Having a roof over your head is needed. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong!🙏 A similiar situation happened to me, it's so hard to fall onto family who are not '"family."

[@johnkusske7535]

Mine would leave me in charge of my 3 younger siblings from the age of 10 while they went away for the weekend.

[@rdwrer1331]

wtheck, seriously?? That's messed up!!

[@ShalomISmyname]

“What happens in this house stays in this house”. We didn’t talk about anything that went on in our house, it was looked at as not honoring your parents. I didn’t talk to anyone about anything. I still feel like I’m betraying my parents now when I say anything about the things we dealt with while growing up.

[@brukkumani]

The most painful thing for me is that you still suffer as an adult and when you share your life with experience with ,,friends‘‘ and they tell you that you just want sympathy and you are just dramatizing….it makes you feel once again that you are the stupid one

[@lupitaguerrerovital]

those arent friends sending lots of love

[@melaniemills4505]

My mother was really big on parentification...she told me I would be taking care of my 13 years older brother and my younger, severely mentally disabled sister when she finally got tired of living with my father and decided to end herself...she emphasized that I would become their "mommy" and would have to take her place in the home...she also said it would be a horrible day when she finally passed away and she didnt envy me one bit when this event finally took place, that I'd be better off if I ended myself...oh yeah, I was only eight years old when she told me this. Also she blamed me for every little inconvenience she experienced...one time she blamed me for her getting diarrhea because I stressed her out so bad. 😒

[@silverdoe9477]

I remember when I was around 13 & my mom said “Tell your school-therapist what’s really wrong with you, and stop talking about us”.

[@mariettanoordewier-kenkel5040]

❤

[@PriusTurbo]

I used to lie to my school counselor and tell him everything was fine at home even though I was in severe emotional pain. My mom had moved out and was living with another guy and my dad was an abusive alcoholic but at least he took card of us and stuck around. I thought if I said anything to the counselor my dad would find out and very bad things would happen to me. 30 years later and I'm just realizing how much of a negative impact this has had on every aspect of my life. Both my parents were/still are ignorant narcissists and even in their 60s and 70s have no idea idea who they are. Everything is someone else's fault and everything they've done is justified. I hadn't seen my dad in like 8 years and rarely spoke with him because I revealed my brother was a drug addict and needed help, and my dad didn't believe me so I quit talking with him. Both of my parents enabled my brother for the better part of a decade and it's amazing he's still alive. Anyway, I moved closer to my dad and attempted to salvage our relationship and reconnect with him and HE PICKED UP RIGHT WHERE HE LEFT OFF. Haha the actual second day I spent with him at his house, he got very drunk and started complaining about my mom just like he had when I was 13. He then started berating his also drunk new wife and made her cry. It was one of the most bizarre experiences of my adult life. I quickly found a place to rent and I continued to keep in touch with him. I finally realized that every time I speak with him, he makes me feel terrible about myself just like he used to. He has nothing to offer but his small-minded petty outlook on life that got him nowhere. It makes me sad but I don't want to speak with him anymore. My relationships with my two brothers are ruined mostly due to my parents. My mother disappears and reappears like an elusive ghost when she needs me for something. I had this image of my family being loving and solid when I was very young and I tried so hard to hold out hope throughout my childhood and into early adulthood. It's as dead as it gets now. My mom actually talked about where we would have Christmas this year. I seriously asked her "who is going to be there?" She had no answer. I think she may have had a moment of realization that her family is dead. She can sit in a big empty house with her dog and stare at the tree and our stockings she'll still put out. Can't help but think even now that somehow this is all my fault.

[@joyr5497]

My mom has been giving me the silent treatment since I was 6 years old. She could go an entire week not saying one word to me, just scowling. I had to learn to fend for myself when she did this. I'm 40 now and she will still give me the silent treatment for any perceived slight or offense. Everything you're saying is 100% accurate and everything I go through with my mother. The enmeshment is infuriating.

[@mariefriedmann3203]

I counted 30 days of silence from mine

[@msbg8385]

Growing up I thought something was wrong with me. My mom would tell me something was wrong with me.. but it was social awkwardness because I was just allowed to go to school and no where else. I couldn't visit friends they had to come over my house, and we could never play in my room. It was horrible now I know it's because they can't share control 😢. They see the pain they cause children and it doesn't phase them at all.

[@RexRaven22]

You are the first person I have heard speak of the forced isolation and how that carries into adulthood. I hope you discuss this more. Thank you.

[@jensmithe3624]

Wow ! Jerry! Thank you for this video today. My husband has a narcissistic mother. She is now 80 and he feels committed to helping her. He has had a hard time with social development because of his mother. He has no friends outside of his ethnicity. It makes him very unhappy living in the United States. She has made sure he has not developed his own self. When ever I see his authentic self emerging she gets under his skin with an one of her health emergencies that is really nothing.

[@larryl2398]

So basically she groomed him into being her caretaker from the get go. Ridiculous!

[@jensmithe3624]

You made my day today. Keep healing yourself. You are such a young person who can have a beautiful life if that is what you want. You have my permission to live how you want and to say no to your mother. I don't know the situation of your caregiver phase but if she is not dying and can manage on her own stay away. Get stronger.@@kobra4422

[@belindakilian3784]

So sad

[@oldnick9232]

My Mother also selected a minority husband, and in the end admitted to being a racist, it all worked to her advantage, controlling the family in the extreme. While playing the poor retarded, unwell, victim of the world. Prompting all around to act and react as her insanity required. Playing on the emotions of others, as she had no emotion at all.

[@Youreacashier]

I have always felt that love is conditional. That is because of my mom - she kind of dangled the love and I would try to grab it. That has been the way of my romantic life forever. I quit dating when I was 40 and I am 56 now. I’m really lonely but it is for the best.

[@kristinm4005]

Im sorry you feel lonely. It is difficult and sad when there is the desire for human connection but disappointment is all you get in return.

[@Youreacashier]

@@kristinm4005 Thanks. I am usually okay with it because I can remember the disappointments quite clearly, but sometimes I get angry - how come I am not allowed to have what other people take for granted?! I feel like an observer and not really alive. Just a person that has a bit part in life. That is just the way it is though. I don’t think I can ever get rid of this illness or the shame it brings.

[@ValeriePendelton-h1o]

I grew up around the following: Chemically dependent adults one example: While I was on an outing as a child my Uncle went to go get his 'stuff. My mother was mixed up with a man who was into drugs, my mother was a screamer, and threw meltdown tantrums. I love her but the stuff that came out of her mouth I could go on & on. She would swear at me too. I won't even get started on the man she dated then later married until he died. I'm a mess now trying to pick up the pieces. Wish me luck please.

[@Dbb27]

Sounds like you are on a healing path. You being aware is the first step. You don’t need luck. Your intelligence and knowledge will keep you on a good journey. Kudos to your progress.

[@JulietCrowson]

Prayers help Would you like us to pray for you ? 🙏⭐🕊️

[@rdwrer1331]

lots of prayers for you, that's seriously rough. I hope you heal. Louise Hay helped me.

[@patrickconnolly7799]

Abusive families all look different,--but what Jerry said about parentification,--is exactly what happened to me and my six siblings. My older siblings were were 11 and 12 when they had to take care of everyone,--including my newborn brother when I was six. When things got out of control,--we were fortunate to have a neighbor watching out for us. But never enough.

[@waterfrodo4304]

When you think that something is normal, you are not only more likely to tolerate it from others, but you are also more likely to do it yourself onto others. And then it becomes harder for you to realize that it was never normal; to admit that it was never acceptable, neither when your parents were doing it, nor when you are doing it.

[@honeyand_sunshine]

I have never heard of enmeshment but that perfectly explains exactly what I always felt like growing up. I didn’t have a sense of self, and if I tried to break free I was promptly hit back into place like a game of whack-a-mole.

[@felicitybywater8012]

The silent treatment in my family got so bad my father pretended I didn't exist. That made me much more frightened than I had been before. He hated me because he knew I would tell if he molested me too. My mother told me on my 15th birthday that I was an unwanted child (I'm the eldest of 2) and she framed it as though that justified the abuse. I got an after-school job within a couple of weeks, concealed my savings from it (they'd already stolen from me) and just vanished when I had somewhere to live. Leaving them was the smartest thing I ever did. I shared a flat with a girl they didn't know so they didn't even know where to start looking and, as a child molester, my father was not going to go the the police. (Had I realised back then he was molesting my sister, I would have told my grandfather, his father, and he would have taken my sister and I to the police station.) My parents are dead now and I don't miss them. My sister is clinically insane and believes it was all somehow my fault.

[@judithparris1818]

Never! Not your fault. The blame sets right on their shoulders... the abusers!

[@felicitybywater8012]

@@judithparris1818 Dead right. She's still stuck in that house of horrors.

[@LordShockwave9]

It goes beyond just what you tolerate: it even extends to the types of environments you're exposed to and will tolerate. That's why hoarding, living in filth, etc. also feels familiar to abuse victims.

[@darkangel0388]

I experienced a lot of these things. After my dad died I was pretty much left to raise myself because my mother couldn't be bothered unless others were watching and it made her look good. I didn't have to take care of her. It was more like we were roommates and she paid all the bills.

[@Alien91x]

That silent treatment... my mum was the worst for it. Like yeah I'm thankful she never physically assaulted me but damn... that silent treatment. Idk how to even express how messed up it was.

[@Shoppingisfun245]

Unbelievable!!! This video summed up my entire life. I have BPD and begin DBT classes. I finally got into a course that will teach me how to be a person (after 40+ years)

[@collie8]

that was very light example of parentification... driving a car. Biggest burden is when child must soothe the parent... and carry their anxiety. (btw fire alarm - yes very good metaphor.)

[@pinkazure808]

I may have this thing with carrying the anxiety of a parent. How can you tell when you are carrying their anxiety?

[@collie8]

@@pinkazure808generally when you're anxious about life of adult people other than yourself. It's neurotic reaction - 'super-empath'. If your mother was intentionally sharing her adult problems with you when you were a child, you're in the club.

[@pinkazure808]

@@collie8 Thank you. This clears it up. Yep, I'm in the club. The other day I was telling mom not to do something. Now in hindsight, I realize that she's an adult who can take care of herself.

[@MissTsapovska]

This 9th point is really rough. Very difficult task to become normal in social way. I remember my mom calling me egoistic, lazy, too independent when I was a child and never ever telling me anything positive about myself.

[@rose5602]

I've been abused outside my family and let it happen because I can't tell the difference between that and normal behavior. I've forgiven my family, but it makes me sad knowing they never taught me that.

[@lonefaolan6042]

I can relate. I also been abused outside my family and within.

[@elizabethmadron1336]

Look at your friends parents. How they treat their kids. Growing up ,I was able to figure it out. I did not know what to call it. I knew there was something really wrong in my household. That really pissed me off.

[@rose5602]

@elizabethmadron1336 Is it like what you see in the movies? I don't have many friends lol.

[@ScottBecker-c1k]

This is EXACTLY what I went thru in my childhood years. My parents told me "Our family is normal, all other families that don't think like us are the ones that are weird and need help."

[@shirleydavis5629]

Sums up how I was raised. Ever since I began listening to you Mr. Wise. Flashbacks have hit me hard this past month. That stress is onto my health. 😢

[@maggiesalle2256]

You are not alone.

[@Dbb27]

Had flashbacks for a year after my mother died. It’s rather freaky. I thought I would just be relieved but then it started. Things are finally calming down.

[@shirleydavis5629]

Thank you @maggie & @Dbb for sharing your input. It is obvious how many of us need to, & can be healed.

[@dianacarter_art]

Me too. I wish I could forget and move on. ❤

[@NobodyListensToCasandra]

I’m amazed you used picking up drunk parents before the kid is old enough to have a driver’s license as an example. I remember trying to explain this to my guidance counselor back when I was 14, and not being believed- because it was “such an outlandish story!”

[@johnliberty3647]

Did anyone have a mother who tried to take away things you never wanted in the first place to manipulate you? I wasn’t allowed to have anything unless my mother wanted it so she had nothing to take away from me. Then it was my fault that she had nothing to manipulate me with.

[@jenna2431]

I had a husband who never gave me a gift that wasn't something he wanted. He waved around an ad for a Bose system and kept going on about it. I didn't care. Any guesses what "I" got my next birthday....?

[@johnliberty3647]

Although for me it never came in the form of a gift, my mother was much like that. She would have me take part in things she wanted and treat it like she was doing me a favor. She would threaten to take these things away from me. By the time I got to be a teen I answered those threats with “Promise?”. It would anger her and she would convince herself that I was attempting reverse psychology.

[@melindamassey14]

Oh yeah! Material goods have strings attached to them. You are made to use it or take care of it. They will never let the object go. And you have to take care of it or they will lecture you or rage on you!

[@enednas801]

I had a npd dad growing up and this entire list is spot on with my experiences. The way I was treated like I didnt have a self/ego has been very debiletating as an adult.getting run over by anyone who wanted to control me and I had no way of stopping them. Never seen a therapist cos so much was "normal" to me despite feeling lost and hopeless many many times. Then I tried a Pcilocybin mushroom trip. OMG! I had flashbacks of times my npd dad was over the top abusive mentally and I remember I felt something break in me that time 25 years ago. then 1 week later all of a sudden I felt this rush of energy release in my body and then in my head making me scowl like Clint Eastwood does in any old western movie.I felt my self/ego was reborn and ever since then I know where to draw the line with people trying to exploit me. Psykedelics used right can be a powerful tool in addition to treatment for us who are npd survivors.I also had an spiritual awakeing in that trip so my view on this life existance has become better for it.mother earth touched my tormented soul and I felt my self/soul became one with the universe for a brief moment. I feel blessed and very far along the healing path :D

[@LindseyVoorhies]

How do we show our young children that narcissism behaviors is not normal when coparenting with a narcissistic parent? I see him gaslighting her already and I want to protect her

[@eveishawna7934]

Stand your ground

[@sighidk786]

Honestly, if he’s abusing her already, leaving him may be the only option. Even just 1 instance of abuse is too much.

[@LindseyVoorhies]

Already left him, unfortunately we share custody

[@rdwrer1331]

Now that you're not together, maybe your kids can have a lot of activities when it's "his time", so that they aren't around him a lot. Oh what a nightmare. I'm glad you're free from him. You're setting an example to your kids that abuse is not ok and you don't have to put up with it. My mom just reached her 49th year with my monster of a dad, and I wish she would stand up for herself or leave. In a way she does because she keeps herself insanely busy and he lives in a separate building on the property...ya, seriously. He always has had a separate building to live in, it's twisted. All he did/ does was watch TV once home, what a lowlife. I hope you're healing. Louise Hay I can't say enough about how she's helped heal me.

[@emmaparish5632]

Every one of these. Except with parentification my mum would rely on us for emotional support from a very young age, and would also neglect responsibility to the point where if we needed it done we had to do it ourselves.

[@cocoaocean]

My covert narc mom has tried to make me carry her issues. She has had many men since my biological father and has expected me to like them as much as her!? When I try to ask for boundaries ie not showing up at my home without letting me know she plays a cry bully to everyone and call me a terrible person😢 This stuff never gets easier you just get more sensitive to it. Thank you for your information ❤❤

[@allisonandrews4719]

It’s our job to make things work-this says it all.

[@anneyoung2310]

In my family, I didn't think it was normal, nor will I ever. I knew something was off/dysfunctional, but what can you do when you're a kid. My mom and my ex-spouse have high covert traits (trying not to diagnose), but they manifest very differently and different abusive tactics.

[@danthompson5797]

If there were actually a bunch of gifted psychologists out there locally like this guy throughout my life, I would have gone to therapy. But that's one very good thing about KZbin

[@03ai_ey]

What makes gaslighting children particularly disgusting is that its main goal is to cause the victim to to question and mistrust their own perception of reality in favor of the gaslighter's perspective. The gaslighter as a guardian becomes responsible for assisting their child in interpreting their perceptions of reality while simultaneously reinforcing doubts within the framework they use to interpret it. Edit:. Having trouble wording this idea. Too wordy and not very efficient. I'll be back.

[@mirabelotc16]

no you described this perfectly. So accurate

[@englishwithteacheradgie4699]

We don’t set up boundaries because they are not allowed.

[@jakezo369]

I have suffered narc abuse from my mother and her golden child, my brother for years now. I can tell how it just destroys you both mentally and physically. I wish there could be some kind of a law or something to ban these narcs from having kids at least. We may not be able to ban them everywhere.. but at least from bringing in more misery into this world.

[@lindafolk4598]

People have been programmed with many negative behaviors unknowingly. Thank heavens for awareness and ways to heal so our world can change to be loving and supportive.

[@angelascharmedlife]

My husband's going to leave me because i dont know how to handle stress. I act exactly like my mom at this time. I hate it. All i wanted to do as a child was get away from her now i did it to my sweet husband. I hate myself. I am waiting for a doctor to call me back.

[@MentalWellnessWithWaihiga]

So I'm very scared to leave them. I don't know how to leave. I don't even know where to start. It's just all sooo overwhelming. Everyone is always against me and I don't know how to survive on my own financially. I know I can emotionally, I always have my own back. But financially I don't think I can make it

[@idamariapaavaliina]

My parens sometimes blamed me when they were fighting. I had to try to calm both of them down. My father has tried to be nice but suddenly when I told him not to talk like "why are you like that?!" to my two-year-old he started saying I'm the problem. He calls my child to ask "were you outside today?" or asks me "did she get to play with other kids today or was it just the two of you?" Everytime I try to protect her, or myself, my mum and dad look at each other like I'm absolutly crazy. Or mum hides away. My body goes in this weird "no, nothing's wrong!" state even though logically it doesn't seem to be right. At all. These are of course just "little" things there are many more things they say.