Anxious & Avoidant Relationships & Second Chances | The Thais Gibson Podcast

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What should you do if a dismissive avoidant ex reappears unexpectedly?
Why do anxious attachments and dismissive avoidants often end up together?
How should you respond when a fearful avoidant ex wants to be friends again?
In this episode of The Thais Gibson Podcast, Thais and co-host Mike discuss common anxious/avoidant relationship dynamics and the internal worlds of these attachment styles when their safety is threatened.
Can things work better the second time around?
Watch to learn what's needed for a proper second chance.
Let’s connect!
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[@Luis913Barroeta]

Regardless what attachment style you currently are, focus on healing and becoming the best version of yourself. Because past trauma isn't our fault but it is our responsibility to heal 💯

[@lavendermom318]

Yes

[@tinawizi2380]

Very well said!

[@adoptioncorner1984]

So helpful hearing this from a dismissive avoidant. As an anxious attacher.

[@vorbis4860]

Getting FA and DA feedback and inner thoughts is a scarce resource on KZbin. More of that, for sure.

[@oscardannysanchez647]

"Growth in general, is making different choices than you've made before."

[@marisolrubio6566]

As an anxious person just broken up with a person with dismissive characteristics it is so refreshing being able to come out of my own feelings of rejection and pain to an understanding of both myself and him. It makes me see that I am more than what I feel and my own fears and so is the other person, it gives me hope for the future ❤

[@martinhebblewhite4659]

Can't wait for the FA version.... HURRY UP 😂😂❤❤❤

[@Kangaroo211]

Yes please !

[@MrSamIAm39]

Changing my life, one video at a time.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for your kind comment :)

[@dawnclark1103]

Very helpful to hear the real feelings of a DA

[@kently4465]

People who just suddenly fall off the map or become undetected for a time literally cause trauma to their partners like, bro. But I'm just speaking from experience, and I do wish for those people to heal, but more often than not their actions do cause real emotional and mental harm even if it wasn't their intention. I'm happy how this video brings to light a lot of things for both sides. edit: I'm not wishing to start an argument, but I know how it feels as a few of my friends have been ghosted on by their partners, one for no apparent reason and just poofed. It's scary.

[@brianburris]

Ya exactly, she left again, no talk about what's going on just a little fight and gone. I don't ever intentionally try to hurt her but she chooses to hurt me when she leaves, Never tries to fix or talk about anything and just gone. Abandonment.

[@lavendermom318]

Hurt people Hurt people, but you can help people heal. We wrestle not against flesh and blood...it's deep spiritual core wounds

[@kently4465]

sorry I worded my comment wrong. Thanks!

[@bigbadlara5304]

Absolutely, I was ghosted after having our first real argument. Now she's just checking in on me every now and then. When I ask back how she's doing she doesn't say. I pointed out how frustrating this is, still nothing changed and I cut all contact with her. Obviously this was very hard on me. But then after I cut contact with her she found another way to signal to me that she is indeed mad. It's always a fine line where it becomes toxic. I think in my case it was toxicity towards me. I wouldn't say I'm exactly traumatised but I've definetly been wounded by this experience.

[@michellebobier-groves7821]

I'm on day three of "no contact". My DA and I didn't fight, in fact we had a wonderful couple days. He gets scared of being too close and leaves. He doesn't say anything about not coming back. I have a pretty secure attachment style, but I'm beginning to feel an anxious attachment based on his actions 😢

[@sifublack192]

Interesting perspective. It confirms that although my AP exes were never understanding in my need for space, I did the right thing by telling them. I can be happy knowing I did my part.

[@hspinnovators5516]

Yes that's extremely valuable. Especially without blame and specifics

[@sifublack192]

@@hspinnovators5516 I agree. If you can't handle something about someone, it's best to find someone with the qualities you're looking for. It's similar to what I learned in business..."if someone can't afford what you have to offer, find someone can."

[@TradingWithoutFear]

WOW, Ryan Gosling was in this thats great thanks Thais.

[@thevent8059]

😂😂😂 Mike is really great though but this is funnyyyy

[@luketimewalker]

heheh I concur

[@kristindawn]

It was so great to have Mike join you! :)

[@LeeChrissy]

Guys, this was brilliant. ❤ Thank you so much for coming on together so everyone can get a visual look into the before and after of the healing process with FA's and DA's. The part that resonates the most is letting someone into my personal space aka living together. My DA/best friend brought this up to me last year and I literally froze. I love him so much yet I don't know if I ever want to live with someone again. I kind of just evaded the conversation until it went away lol. Fyi, I joined PDS shortly after. It's weird because all I wanted was for us to be together yet when going towards the next step became a reality, I couldn't do it. My space is THAT important to me. It's important to him as well which surprised me as to why he would want this. Anyway, I hope you more formats like this! It reminds me of the format in the school. ❤❤❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for your beautiful comment :) We're so glad to hear you've found great value out of the content ! I have now forwarded your feedback to Thais

[@luketimewalker]

Great! Also it's interesting how we reverse the roles within ourselves. As Thais said, an anxious person is dismissive of themselves, their own needs... and a DA, whose innermost terror under the façade of stoicism is to be seen and deemed weird... gets to find themselves weird, as in, "I want us to be together yet I will evade". All of us here with Thais and other fantastic broadcasters are healing, one video at a time as someone so beautifully said above. Mad props to all. ❤ Also I just had this analogy pop up: somehow it reminds me of our retina, which actually gets a reverse image of the actual world, and the brain translates it from upside down back to straight up (really! look it up).

[@LeeChrissy]

​@@luketimewalker thanks for the comment and I'm def looking up the retina thing!!

[@luketimewalker]

@@LeeChrissy thanks Lee!

[@dothedirttmtb]

Basically if your anxious don't date avoidant because you will want more connection and not a part time relationship. Feel it's safer to date another anxious person or secure with less chances they will run.

[@cmreed07]

What a funny and sweet and joyful skit. Saving!

[@PeukinsPoint]

I feel like this video series was specifically made for me. Thank you for your work!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for your kind comment :) We're so glad to hear you've found great value out of the content !

[@TheDefaultClass]

I appreciate being able to hear about the inner dialogue of an avoidant mindset

[@gmiller8167]

To follow up on my first question about if DAs are consciously being aware of their fears of being trapped, lose their autonomy, needing independence, etc. vs fault-finding. Do DAs have a conscious awareness of shame? As Shame is one of the avoidant’s top core wounds, are DAs consciously aware of their shame? If so, what are examples of what shame looks like for the DA? Shame of what kinds of things?

[@MilesIncognito]

can't speak for others, but I certainly do. trying to be completely self-sufficient is like trying to be perfect, and I feel ashamed of every flaw and weakness and every mistake I can remember. Needing help from anyone else feels like shame, which is tricky in relationships, because a partner who tries to help can be amplifying the shame you are feeling at your incompetence. Sometimes the need for space is just to be able to get over a particularly acute burst of shame.

[@luketimewalker]

PRICELESS. Thank you both and congrats to both on your generous growth

[@thevent8059]

I’m so happy to see Mike on this! Aww yay

[@user-bm4js9hq3b]

Very insightful. I have just watched this for the second (and probably not the last) time as there is a lot in here so I need to keep pausing the video to think about what has been said and then listen again, to reflect again...I think you get the gist. More of this style of video is needed, please. Thank you!

[@oscardannysanchez647]

Best Podcast I've seen on this topic! ❤

[@norswil8763]

That last point where he tells the story of awkwardly sharing something by looking down and away… that’s how my DA ex broke up with me. In a small voice, she couldn’t look at me and say it.

[@lavendermom318]

I tell my bf I need space. I tell him he can email so he doesnt lose it because he will keep asking if im ok yet. But he said the reason he loves me is that he knows ill come back. Now he doesnt know whats going on in my head until it spills out. Its crazy but it makes me love him because he forgives. After each fight we grow closer. Then he has his turn to leave. I wait. 😂

[@JulieGiordano-zi8vl]

How long have you guys done this dance. Have either of you started dating someone else.

[@lavendermom318]

@@JulieGiordano-zi8vl no. We're planning to marry. 2 years

[@CryptoTaurusMoon]

Emotionally stingy sounds about right

[@gmiller8167]

Mike mentions internally having extreme fears. It that a conscious thought? I have read and heard both ways. That DAs don’t recognize it as fear but more so move into fault-finding as a reason that they should exit the relationship. Could Mike or other DAs comment?

[@lythsian]

I'm so excited to see what happens for her and her future relationships. Isn't the goal to find the one, not to go from relationship to relationship?

[@zurichgnome6073]

Wanting to remain "friends" with the person you dumped is a pure power play. There is nothing generous or altruistic about it.

[@wrxman16]

💯 My girlfriend recently broke up with me (she's an FA) and that's what she said she "wanted to still be friends" and all I could think is how could you blindside me with a breakup, totally discard me and still want me around.... it makes zero sense at all. It's just them wanting the comfort of our presence without any responsibility.....

[@PaigeYesLee]

What a Remarkable and Amazing person you are Thais 😊❤️🙏

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for your beautiful comment Paige :)

[@AnI-if8fp]

My DA ex cheated on me and then left. he wanted space to "become a better person", yet - surprise surprise - looked for another "relationship" instead. until this day he has never given me the full transparency and truth about the cheating (when, where, whom it happened with). its been two years. we were in no contact for months, then reconnected on my behalf as i thought enough time had passed to speak about what had happened without too many emotions. still, he will not tell me. he gets triggered and enormously angry when i ask him about these details for closure and tells me i shouldnt be digging in the past as it would do nothing. is this about the huge amount of shame he must feel? or rather about keeping the power and "winning"? How can i possibly phrase that i would like to know these details to have closure and because i value honesty in my life so that he will finally open up about it?

[@lavendermom318]

He's ashamed

[@LorenaBerrenbaum]

You don't need closure from him, the closure is him cheating. See him as he is that's enough closure.

[@LeeChrissy]

​@@LorenaBerrenbaum I agree. Cheating is off the table. I don't even want to know you if you do this to me. You told me all I need to know about you.

[@lee1612k2]

22:00 so the DA avoids people but Anxious with themselves?

[@gabriela.36944]

How to recognise a DA on a first date?

[@anupamaraianvirai1183]

They will say that they are not interested in relationships.

[@SamytheBullFitness]

They are messed uo and they do cause havoc..i have a lot of patiemce and she managed to get me fedup

[@bro7269]

I am anxious and the take away for me is we are all fearful that we will be rejected or left. Nobody fucking wants that. It’s just so weird that we can almost smell and be attracted to the opposite attachment style without even trying.

[@hspinnovators5516]

The issue is getting avoidants to actually use and understand these videos and tools

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

They do. There's tons of avoidants in PDS. They have to want to do it for themselves though.

[@kearneybird]

question.....i think Im avoidant even outside of romantic relationships...possible?

[@heatherhilderbrand7298]

So how would you bring attachment up to an avoidant who has no idea about attachment theory.

[@LeeChrissy]

I'm sure the team has a better response, but the way I did was to talk about the work I'm doing on myself. It kind of introduced attachment styles into the conversation without directly saying that he needs to do anything. I've also posted Thais and my own story to my social media. I have no idea if he looked into it or not, but he is definitely meeting more of my needs (not that I have many) and shows up better. What I wouldn't do is to ask him to try it out directly. My DA might be receptive to doing the test, but I can't see all of them doing that.

[@johnnycalderon9951]

You don't lol I remember called Craig Kenneth and he told me u can tell her a million times and she will not change. 6 months later he was right!!! I told her I sent her videos books and what's her response lol johnny u forget that in order for this to work I have to want it and click on the video and I don't want to change that's not who I am. Another great example of a trash avoidant!!! 🗑 btw she hated my positive mentality she hated my life was easy going and drama free.

[@thevent8059]

You use yourself as an example & introduce it that way

[@freesandy]

No relationship can be fixed if it's with a man!!

[@bro7269]

By all means….switch sides.

[@lilove6560]

Hearing this conversation helps me to remember all the signs I didn’t pay attention to and understand when I was with my ex-DA. Doesn’t make it easier or miss him less. I’m aware that I still have more to heal within myself ❤️‍🩹