All Insecure Attachment Styles: 8 Red Flags to Watch Out For When Dating

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

What are some red flags that you have seen or keep an eye out for? comment below!

[@sifublack192]

Several of my exes didn't seem to have any hobbies or interests when I met them. I didn't think much of it back then, but now I look at it as a red flag. I've now learned that looking at what a woman does in her FREE time is an indicator as to whether she's healthy for a long-term relationship. Both of these exes were VERY insecure about my commitment to my fitness and martial art goals and even felt threatened I'd meet women at the gym and leave them. Not having a life outside of relationships may be a STRONG indicator of neediness and insecurity (or as people like to say now, codependency). "If they had no life when they dated you, their life will become you when they commit to you."

[@FruityHachi]

exactly, asking people what they do in their free time is so important, yet many people don't care to ask they just care about what's the person's appearance, what's the person's occupation to figure out how much they earn and if they have their own car and house then they wonder why their relationships don't work out or why they can't find a partner when it's based on superficial things

[@sifublack192]

@@FruityHachi yes, all of those flashy things wear off after a while. I make it a point to keep money separate (aside from dates) unless we're living together. This is how I gauge whether she's interested in me or something else. Funny thing, I have yet to formally live with someone. 🤷🏿‍♂️

[@sifublack192]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n I've also indicated on various threads that I didn't exhibit most of the behaviors associated with DA. For example I've never cheated, ghosted, or had a problem committing to anyone. That said, I do pay close attention to people's actions before I start cohabitating. As someone who went from a broke retail worker to a successful businessman, I'm very particular about who I share myself with. The exes that wanted to move in also wanted to take me away from my favorite places because they felt threatened by the environments I was in (i.e. in the gym surrounded by "gym bunnies"). There's a difference between being CAUTIOUS about sharing a space and being AFRAID to share a space.

[@RubberJunk1]

I think more secure attachment style videos would be really helpful to contrast with the insecure ones. Sometimes I watch you videos that cover all 3 styles but want to know how the secure attachment would play out. 🙏🏻

[@hathorhealing5329]

Moving really fast in the beginning, making big promises in the beginning, and love bawmbing are all narcissistic red flags.

[@nickus51]

Resentment from previous relationships and situationships is incredibly hard to unwire. Especially after being prepared to work things out only to be hurt and discarded by emotionally unavailable ones and avoidants over and over. That's more an anxious attachment issue, but still affects trust and makes you want to drop dating altogether. As for some other big red flags I would definitely mention flaw finding, lack of self-awareness and accountability, not being able to apologize on one hand and not being able to forgive on the other.

[@kittthompson]

The secretive thing was the biggest red flag that I should have paid attention to. He lied about kids for 6 months, wouldn’t invite me to his place. He cancelled dates, wouldn’t instigate them, was hot and cold. He also gaslit me, and didn’t understand why I got frustrated and lost my temper with being treated so poorly. I’m mostly annoyed with myself for being so naive. He says he has someone new now - I hope for her sake that he is honest about who he is, and fair to her.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I am sorry you experienced that... thank you for sharing ❤

[@psi23k]

It's not your fault. He's just an a-hole.

[@courtneylougheedm.a.8752]

Inability to make repair- even if not wrong. If you care about the person, you dont want them to hurt, period. Being able to apologize even if you feel you're correct signals low self-esteem and self-worth.

[@Laoriginal718]

Why would someone apologize if they’re not wrong? That makes no sense.

[@pawa5588]

Ideas for videos: Gender differences for behaviour for each attachment style. For example: “The female dismissive avoidant is usually less closed than the male, and usually has more willingness to discuss issues”. I understand there are studies which reflect these kind of differences.

[@5gx673]

For some reason, midlife brought me a limerent episode with all the trimmings. The LO had 8 out of 8 of these characteristics. It was quite discouraging because I've never picked so badly before. Fortunately I found great YT resources on limerence quickly and was able to shut it down. Really hard experience, but so grateful for this video and hundreds of others that have kept telling me the truth. Thanks for your work Thais.

[@Slipping_thru_the_Seams]

disrespect, flakiness, emotional unavailability early on. rushing things. the disrespect is what i really wish i would have took note of, looking back it was sooo blatant. he told me i dont meet his standards but "love is blind" what bs!!!

[@cloudslady3400]

Shaming and over criticising everything without offering a practical solution to the problem at hand triggers me so badly into a full deactivation mood..the worst red flag in my opinion..cause why you keep insulting me as if that would solve anything?? If someone’s tactic is to over shame you for the tiniest mistakes..don’t be around them !

[@FruityHachi]

that's my life in a nutshell, people shaming and over criticizing me instead of actually helping me and it's not just by parents, peers, strangers but also by teachers (someone whose actual job duty is supposed to teach) bunch of unhealed, sadistic people taking their traumas out on someone in their control

[@alexisb.8965]

Yeah, I definitely feel like my last relationship had a lot of these, but it wasn't super obvious at the time. I guess I need to tune in more. I learned a lot from this video.

[@beckichaplin1974]

In my experience, secretive ppl are hard to spot because they are aware of how to hide it until much later in the relationship. Then, you're already in the web. 😞

[@Alixir1228]

This is exactly my issue right now.

[@FrankM]

I've lost count the amount of women I chatted with and/or went on a date or two, only to find out they still have unfinished business with their ex-boyfriends.

[@HH-pj5bl]

My ex was somewhat secretive with her phone, a message will come through but she would tilt her phone to read it if I was next to her, I confronted her once but got shut down by her saying I'm overthinking and it will hurt me for overthinking, I was so sad that day, but I loved her and chose to let go. Also she told me there was this married man she feels he knows her personality well and she enjoys his conversations but she doesn't like him or anything but in her chat app he was pinned as a important contact that confused me. I also never confronted her but when I look back there was many red flags I by passed. Good person but bad behaviours 🤷🏻 thank you for the share thais and love you ❤❤❤❤❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

thank you for sharing ❤

[@candyarries]

I feel like never talking about the things that bother you in a relationship can be a giant red flag because it builds resentment. On the surface, my ex acted like everything was fine and chill cause he couldn't make himself vulnerable to having difficult conversations. It was not helpful. But I don't believe I was a good partner to him either. It was not great, and it had to end.

[@RaySmithWeb]

Video content idea: you see the red flags. You know the relationship is not going to work. How do you end it in the healthiest way possible?

[@sethtenrec]

Clean, 100%, never speak again break.

[@rocamallorca4201]

I would love an in depth follow up video about the difference between being private vs secretive please!

[@fmurrayk]

Could you say a little more about what you mean by 'unfinished business'? I can guess, I think, but it'd be great to hear some examples of what you mean in the context of dating. Thank you!

[@mrssomeone2143]

It is about how they are talking to you, how it makes you feel

[@ashleyb.8217]

Yikes so many of these behaviors I see in me. Ohhhhh my lamb.

[@bettyboothe2523]

Me too. I don't know how to get past it. Resentment from former relationships. A cage around my heart. I've never been this way. I just had enough and I don't let myself be vulnerable

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@bettyboothe2523 I used to engage in a lot of these too, so what I did was to start identifying why I was doing them and then working through the issues behind the behaviors.

[@ashleyb.8217]

@@cornwallismorgan874 Thank you!

[@bradleymaravalli2851]

At least you have the awareness! Never too late to change your habits, mindset, and actions.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@ashleyb.8217 Of course! I wish you well on your healing journey.

[@NailaTyner]

Thank you for always giving great insight. I would love to see more videos on how each attachment styles deals with goals and which ones are more prone to sabotage and why. And would also love to understand more about the 7 needs that our caretakers give when growing up. The one that you mentioned in a previous video. Just more understanding about it. (Financial, emotional, career, etc…) Thanks!

[@Kivlor]

I certainly struggle in the individuation department at a glance. I can be abrasive, and am aware of it, so I regularly take a break, and ask for advice from friends before tackling a serious issue, to try and keep from saying something I'm going to regret, or that will be used as ammunition against me. In fact, I was just doing this right before turning on this video: I really needed some help looking for a way to take on a serious problem, but to do it in a way that isn't going to end up being used against me and might actually be received instead of just dismissed.

[@mesCheerios]

I really have trouble knowing what to look for in regards to respect because I go the extra mile trying to be kind to others, and I know that is not necessary for most people and I know that sometimes it is not even healthy/looks like people pleasing. So I know I can't use myself as a guideline for respect. & I was heavily abused and neglected though also loved throughout childhood so I don't know what respect is generally meant to look like. How do I know someone is respectful?

[@deymimartinez530]

Thank you so much for sharing all of this! I think this is probably one of the best relationship videos I've ever seen. Well done!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're so welcome! Glad you really liked this one :)

[@getupoffthatcouch]

This video is just so good. Thank you, Thais.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're very welcome! ❤

[@stephanyvaldez1698]

Thank You! ❤ I would love to listen more about trauma bond and real emotional connection.

[@roshalllambert]

They are all good and interesting points! It all makes sense!

[@Greenwitch_Garden]

This was helpful for me to know what I need to work on with myself first. If I can show up better in relationships I can be an example in the relationship. I will also be on the lookout for these red flags. ❤ thank you

[@ash8004]

Omg thais your timing is always impecable 😂 thank you for this!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're very welcome :)

[@kylahazell1117]

Can you maybe define what respect looks like in the dating stage of a relationship, please?

[@crazymusicman13]

@12:26 - what is unfinished business? Thais did not give us a definition or description, just said it's bad.

[@waynesmith4861]

Had to save this one to watch again. Very helpful. Thanks!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome Wayne!

[@IanRoyball128]

Thanks!

[@Nagisas.w]

The girl im on a break with has Cptsd and gets overwhelmed easy which leads to lack of communication and it doesn’t help that she gets anxious if you text her to much so it’s a pretty tuff one Her ex use to yell at her and all kinda stuff and she expects me to do the same when she messes up but that’s pointless we all make mistake it’s a part of life lol She told me she don’t think she the one for me which I don’t think so cause nothing bad has happen and we work well together and communicate well But she needs to finish healing and Emdr fix her core beliefs about herself Ik she got it tho that’s my dawg and I have big patients and understanding for people

[@Nagisas.w]

I’m secure also I’ve been learning about attachments style and Cptsd to help me out cause I was very clueless about it but we vibing 🫡💕

[@hesitantpossum]

Incredibly useful! Thank you 🙏🏻

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome!

[@stevensantora2976]

Thank you so much for this video.

[@deeholmes9743]

5 out of 8 😮

[@kelseystout8360]

What do you do when you're married to someone and you or they have these red flags?

[@posttenebras2812]

Can someone explain "unfinished business" to me simply please? Sorry for my ignorance.

[@droflivelife]

Can you do a video on how to tell an avoidant that they are an avoidant. No body has done that.

[@adamwood87]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/aF7Wqmpjo7WMgKs -- Thais made a video for that two years ago.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

In my relationships, I've experienced them intentionally building resentment and using it as justification for breaking up. Like they won't tell me something is wrong and aren't behaving differently, and then I get hit with a list of reasons why they're leaving. Would that be a control complex?

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n It's only happened with a couple of them, and specifically, it happened with the ones for whom I was not the first choice. They were extremely immature. The first, to the best of my knowledge, was DA, and the second was a pathological liar.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n Yeah, I just figured I'd ask the question because it's so bizarre to me that someone wouldn't bring things up unless they don't fundamentally value the relationship.

[@RRthee1]

What a great list! Thank you. 🙏🏼

[@wolfrahmphosphoros5808]

what is meant by "unfinished business"? regards.

[@IanRoyball128]

🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳 I only have white flags .. I also have a pirate flag 🏴‍☠️ and a Korean flag 🇰🇷 and a United States of America flag 🇺🇸 ..and a backup pirate flag just in case I lose my first pirate flag 🏴‍☠️ Oh.. I also have a black flag.. I almost forgot. Yeah, I have a black flag also. I almost forgot.. 🏴 See? That's my black flag. It's kinda like my other flags, except it's black. ☮️