Are You Afraid of Abandonment?

[@amybenham1796]

I love that you use terms like "we" and "us" maybe it's a typical therapist lingo but I find it extremely comforting especially when you're talking about issues and mental illnesses that effect me. It's less alienating.

[@kayerk]

I was thinking the exact same thing

[@theRealCrazyOne]

I'm in training and...a few weeks ago, I tried this in a session because I was thinking of Kati. However, I freaked myself out so much because, in my case with BPD, bipolar or eating disordered patients I am really really part of the "we/us." Still trying to figure out how to manage self-disclosure and my fears around this. So, just saying...if your therapist hesitates, there may be more behind that than you think hahahahaha

[@lisagenerette2443]

I noticed that, too :)

[@lucadennis2576]

As a mental health blogger, I appreciate you, and others who replied to your comment, sharing this. I've always liked this in Kati's videos, myself. I'll use "we," "us," etc more often on my own blog because it's nice to know there are other people who feel the same way :)

[@therabbithat]

Yes! and it's just more accurate as well. Psychology professors using "they they they" creates this false sense that none of the people in the room are expected to have the difficulty and that if they did then somehow they'd be in the wrong room. Which is just the opposite of the truth if anything!

[@JordynLaRee]

I have bpd but for me the fear of abandonment is a little different. I don't really fear it as much as I just expect it. I don't see myself as anything special and so if a person shows interest and we connect I never let myself get to close to them because I know once they see me the full on me they will leave. I split. I leave first. That's how I protect myself. And people don't even notice me stepping out of their life. Which further validates the fact that I meant nothing to them in the first place. I'm guess my fear of abandonment turned into this because I got emotionally burned out. I know how It feels to care and have no one care back. So even if it's not true I just tell myself they don't care anyway. The less close I get the less I get hurt. And really I'm doing them a favor in the end. Cause no one should have to deal with me. I don't even like dealing with me.

[@jamesgeorge2230]

Jordyn LaRee dont be so hard on yourself jordyn people are just as scared as you

[@sullen-girl]

I can relate to this so much!

[@jamesgeorge2230]

heyyyyythere me 2

[@mariemmagdy9679]

yup. that's me now. I've gone through only one relationship that I cared for. but then it ruined me and I got out of it but i gave myself another chance and got into another relationship and i cared. but it seems like the wrong is in me, so i guess the only way to deal with this is to deal with it the same way i always did before my first relationship. expect that it's gonna end anyday and not care anyway.

[@JordynLaRee]

Mariem Magdy I'm sorry to have to know exactly what you mean. It doesn't help that most people already have a negative view of bpd. There are a lot of people with bpd that are full of a lot of love to give but they won't ever get the chance to share that cause people are inherently afraid of people who have the disorder. That is probably the hardest part for me is the Stigma. I am already so hard on myself. it hurts even more to feel like all I am is a burden or someone's problem. Hence why I keep away from pretty much everyone.😔

[@user1098mk]

*NOTES* If you feel overwhelmed, use: 1. The "IMPROVE" method I - imagine you're in a happy/soothing place (helps calm your nervous system) M - meaning (find purpose in your life, find a hobby, adopt a pet, volunteer, go back to school) P - prayer (not necessarily religious) use a mantra R - relaxation (hot bath, deep breathing) O - one thing in the moment V - vacation (take a walk around the block) E - encouragement (encourage yourself) 2. Emotional regulation a) What was the prompting event? (factual) b) What was my interpretation of the event? (emotional) c) What body sensation do I have? (sweating, heart racing, etc) d) What body language do I have? (hunched, arms crossed) e) What is my action urge? (scream, leave them first so they couldn't abandon me) f) What action did I take? g) What's the emotion name based on my answers?

[@Andres64B]

Fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, trust issues; they all seem quite similar.

[@ryanzhang701]

Yeah, you’re afraid of being abandoned cuz you’re afraid of being intimate, you are afraid of being intimate cuz you have trust issues, they’re correlated.

[@Thisisrenae]

I’ve got them all. Lmao thanks to my parents

[@n.oneimportant5]

Yes to all. 😔

[@KatherineKosma]

I'm really bad at dealing with this, because I struggle to decipher between something that I should genuinely respond to and be upset by, or if it's just me over reacting and overthinking

[@mollymcallister8882]

Katherine Couch me too!!! That’s my same issue.

[@randomlycreative7194]

I do the same thing

[@chancejaxson551]

same here

[@ArtbyTectonen]

I hate this so much. I cant even trust my own feelings

[@wendyberger8892]

Why is it necessary to give “fear of abandonment” a label of BPD? I think this fear is very common and BPD May be on a continuum or spectrum. I worry about classifying this emotion as a DSM IV or whatever number it is now. My god... fear of abandoment and being manipulated doesn’t have to be labeled. So, while i feel these videos are helpful, they should be taken with a grain of salt.

[@FrankLuver96]

living with bpd & not being able to afford therapy in any way, shape or form...these videos really help. thank you

[@FrankLuver96]

much love to you! thank you. :)

[@kristinavickute140]

You can download DBT skills workbook for free, just google it. Im sure I have seen this posibility

[@randomlycreative7194]

I'm too scared to ask for help

[@ashpapp]

lolayjay same here

[@simonkendra3079]

hey! you can make it work without therapy as well, push through, push through! i have had two sessions and felt like i can make it on my own. stable, with full-time work, a relationship. it is possible, rooting for ya!

[@ruth540]

I have a fear of abandonment so instead I'm the one who abandons people and I can't stop....

[@urmom-nt6tx]

me too

[@esterblue3264]

What if I constantly push away everybody because I am too afraid that they might abandon me?

[@AScentToRemember]

Emma Smith I do this. I feel like why should I even try. Everyone except for a few people have left and it's always out of my control. So at least if I don't get attached I have control.

[@PGOuma]

MM LipJunkie can I join the club? I also do this but hate being so cold and cut off from people but know once I open up, my heart is gonna get crushed and they end up leaving me or doing something I dont like.

[@AScentToRemember]

a p a t h e t i c not sure if the club is that great lol but there's plenty of room. Yeah, I get that guilty feeling to so then I'll try, doubt myself, and ultimately go back in my safe shell.

[@MariR801]

Sounds like a very sad club... unfortunately, I’m part of it too. =/

[@penny4279]

Count me in 🙋🏽‍♀️

[@86thislove]

I don't really blame people for feeling this way though. Rejection and loneliness hurt a lot. It's figuring out why we can't keep people that is helpful.

[@ozzyhokozy]

I have BPD and learning a lot about it lately because no matter what I do and what happens in my life it keeps coming into my life even though I have everything I have ever wanted. Luckily I have a relationship for 7yrs with a beautiful kid so I am a proof that everything is possible. Yet it's still hard

[@Katimorton]

Thank you so so much for sharing!! Yes we can have everything we want.. but it can be hard at times. xoxo

[@ozzyhokozy]

Thanks guys:-) I stay completely drug free because I had addiction issues at my earlier twenties and I can say it's so helpful. I don't even drink coffee, never a sip of anything with alcohol in it because that way I know that I have BPD issues, I know it's something I struggle with. Also I pay attention to my lady circle, I am more aware of my lability when I have PMS. I used to manage things with marijuana but I don't think anymore it's helpful for BPD people. For normal people it might but not just for us. Definitely there are ups and downs but hey, that's what life's about anyway, isn't it? :-) just keep swimming 🐠:-) and take a good care of yourself. It's going to be okay. I feel positive now so I enjoy every moment of it :-) happy new year to everyone! You are not alone !

[@smilescomeforfree5855]

Natalia ♥

[@justforthecommentinglol9955]

Natalia That's wonderful! I admire you so much.

[@katielarisa]

These videos always feel like a hug for some reason 🤗

[@annamullenbach2066]

I had a friend who was like a sister to me,she had BPD, Bipolar, ODD and RAD etc. She manipulated me constantly and sort of abused me at times, she is still in my life and I still love her but with issues of my own I had to put some healthy boundaries. It is really good for me to see the reasons behind her actions, a lot easier to forgive.

[@MeredithxLove]

My father died when I was 7 years old and have been struggling with fear of being abandoned for years. Thanks for a fantastic video, as always.

[@geminineda4669]

Me too same age and everything

[@carlthellama3435]

Bpd here, I know this all too well. I've become a recluse even though I crave that human contact. After all, they can't leave if I never establish that relationship.

[@jaymesl7360]

I’m here on the playlist for BPD, and I just wanna say thank you very much. While many of the symptoms do feel familiar for my own experiences, as far as I’m aware I don’t have bpd. My partner, however, is diagnosed. I completely, utterly, wholly adore them. They are the center of my universe, and I love them so deeply it aches. I’m thanking you because you’ve provided a resource that is non judgmental, clear, and easy to understand. I want to understand the person I love, and the tone bpd often is discussed with repulses me. My partner is not manipulative, or abusive, or some cruel mastermind. They’re scared, and they’re hurting, and even when they’re angry they go out of their way to avoid hurting me. I want to be there for them and help them. You’re giving me the tools to do that.

[@stephencurtin9038]

I isolate on a massive scale to avoid this. Do nothing except work or college. It's miserable. I'm really trying to get out of this pattern and work through the secondary gain

[@Spiral.Dynamics]

I got over my fear of abandonment when everyone really did abandon me and I found out the worst wasn’t that bad. When it comes down to it we can find out how strong one person can be. Your video essays are so helpful thank you. ✌️❤️🕉

[@melbapeters5457]

You cannot trust or depend on anyone but yourself.

[@annakelly1313]

Oh my gosh this is so relevant to me and I've lost so many people over the years because of this. I find it's really important to be kind to myself. I can't beat myself up over the past, and it's okay to mourn for friendships that have ended without going into total meltdown. Another really big thing is trying to trust people and allow them to be around me out of their own choice rather than because they feel they have to be. So self esteem is really important because if I believe that I am someone who others like then I can give them the choice to be around me as well, and that tends to reinforce my self esteem as well

[@Karen-vl7vf]

I have a tendency to make every molehill a mountain and would often call my friends to help out because it was "a huge crisis" and they would get annoyed. I tip I found to be helpful is to take a breath (or if you can, do a smaller task for a bit), then after not thinking about the issue for a minute, actually assess what the issue actually is and what can you do about it. Sometimes it turned out to actually be a mountain, but a lot of times I was able to clear my head from panic enough to get through an issue without asking for constant support. Hope this helps! Thanks for the video Kati!

[@libiluvi]

L K thank you!

[@blucassredbay-b.6174]

Yeah, I get that too. I struggle to wrap my head around it because I know that I should be able to let go of something, but it keeps hurting, so I just have to go back into the cycle of it being this big thing to reckon with. On top of that I sometimes say stuff I really regret when trying to advocate for myself. I've gotten better over the years about thinking before I speak, but I straight up insulted someone in front of my entire class the other day. Even though I apologized for it and they accepted the apology I still feel awful about it and am terrified to go back to class because I'm scared of what people think of me now (real or perceived criticism/shunning really hurts and I sometimes self-injure to try and cope with it). God, it's just such a relief to see all these comments from people who get what it's like to feel like this Lots of hugs!

[@laurenpaterson3475]

L K yes I get afraid of problems and rush get other to help me

[@emf4888]

Great video! There is still so much stigma against BPD, even in the mental health field, so it's great to see someone approach BPD with compassion and good therapeutic techniques instead of perpetuating the myth that BPD is not treatable.

[@JawadSoomro]

I love the way you are trying to help each of us! Honestly I am crying each time you say Abandonment! I feel hopeless! But really your cheerful personality is definitely helping me. Thank you!

[@SunKrux]

My fear of abandonment isn't like this. My Pops was in the Navy until I was 8 years old. He was gone most of my early childhood. It's not bad, it's more like I sometimes don't feel worthy of people being around me. When I get like that, I tend to isolate myself. I don't want to be a burden on people, so I disappear myself. Thanks to depression that's what I do when I feel like that. I'm working with a therapist to get through grief (my Mom passed in December 2016) and fight my depression so I can feel better about myself. I guess what I'm saying is that abandonment issues aren't just felt by those with BPD. I'm not BPD, just depressed with a bit of anxiety.

[@Partycitybaex]

Hi Kati could you make a video about depression vs lazy ness? I’ve always described myself as very lazy, like in school I would always create shortcuts and not apply any effort in my work. I believe that it’s due to my depression not just being lazy

[@Notmyrealname69420]

Creating shortcuts is just laziness, depression is more like not even doing the work cause what's the fucking point

[@yahyahyor]

@@Notmyrealname69420 yeah because depression is the exact same for everyone lol 🙄

[@BetaBuxDelux]

It can also be ADHD and not just depression. I know when my dopamine is up, I’m not “lazy”.

[@chelseagirl278]

Here is a idea, it is spelled.. laziness

[@Ethan-Relearning-Movement]

Thanks for this. I have a new years resolution to make more friendly acquaintances. That fear of abandonment generally has me isolating myself, and in high school I'd find I got bored with people and there was no sense in developing a stronger connection because people aren't trustworthy anyway.

[@AmberWoodMusicx]

I also get bored of people after the initial great conversations, the replies get slower and I just can’t waste time on ppl

[@maddyloves9150]

I love you so much i always used to think that I was crazy and was having these crazy feelings but you making these videos show me that there are others that have these feelings and that I'm not crazy so thankyou 💖

[@Katimorton]

Awe I am so glad I can help and remind you that how you feel it completely normal and okay :) xoxo

[@SuviTuuliAllan]

Speak for yourself. I'm crazy and there's nothing wrong with that.

[@maddyloves9150]

Suvi-Tuuli Allan I didn't mean to offend you sorry

[@allakitaeva474]

How come you’re not crazy if you’re bpd. You are, we are.

[@tashalloyd2125]

Thank you Kati. You always have the perfect timing. I react in both ways out of fear of abandonment. It is ruining my life and my friendships. I continue to work in DBT with my therapist, but sometimes it seems hard to picture my life any other way. I will keep working though. I will try to work on IMPROVE this week. Thank you again for doing these videos. You have a way of speaking that brings peace and comfort to those listening who are hurting. While also bringing awareness.

[@henitzy4325]

Kati.... I don't know if you are going to see this comment... But just the fact that you are taking about this things helps me ... Because of you I decided to go for therapy... I don't know what is happening to me....I do have symptoms of a lot of disorders and you make me think that maybe is the time to understand what is going on and get some help.

[@kaceeculpepper1663]

I do not have bpd, but found this video incredibly helpful with my chronic fear of abandonment. It made me feel more confident to tackle those hard feelings and urges like the ones you spoke of.

[@Maviel85]

Feel that it is important to note that this fear of abandonment can present itself as social isolation as well. Some individuals, instead of even trying to have people around, go the further step and completely avoid society as much as they can out of fear of future real or imagined conflicts, possible chaos, or other results of interacting with the world. More common perhaps with male BPD, possibly quiet. Point being, there are atypical presentations within the diagnosis. As always, great video.

[@mikes5679]

If it weren’t for this channel I would never have started to realize the truth to everything so thank you sincerely I’m still suffering but atleast it makes sense and now I know I need therapy

[@MichelelovesJesus]

Thank you for validating that it is in fact exhausting for those of us in relationship with someone with BPD and we can feel overwhelmed by the needs/dramas of the person with BPD. I want to help my coworker and be as kind as possible but I have a job that I'm getting paid to do and it feels like she wants more from me than I have to give. Furthermore, it doesn't feel healthy to me.

[@michellealexandra2431]

You've saved me more than my words here could ever explain.. thankyou

[@MadeleineMoone]

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety and insomnia in my late teens (I'm 25) and I was doing well with my medication and living fairly happily up until a couple of years ago. Someone close to me noticed I had been experiencing crazy moods swings and asked me if I might have bipolar or BPD. I looked into it and watched all your videos on it and I fit all the diagnostic criteria almost perfectly. You gave me the kick I needed to go back to a psych and get diagnosed correctly. Thank you!

[@ihikealone]

Story of my life. DBT has helped w/ other BPD symptoms, but this has been the worst for me. Cost me my marriage and multiple jobs (unfounded fear of getting fired = fear of abandonment = quitting or hospitalization). I'm terrified of new relationships and jobs bc I always ruin things. Thx for this video.

[@thomas.loyens]

Thanks for sharing Kati ❤ I recently discovered I have BPD and am especially struggling with fear of abandonment. I started having feelings for my therapist, told her and she responded well. But I started feeling (and we also talked about it) that she was started getting overwelmed by my attchement. Now she's acting different, more distant, less comforting, more boundaries. And it's hurting so fucking bad, It made me suicidal again. It's gotten better since I phoned her yesterday, but it's still very painful.

[@StandupGirl-ym3ey]

The older I've gotten the more of an "introvert" I've become! I've been having a feeling of wanting to be more social and imagining me out there living my best life with lots of friends and having a wonderful mate but in reality that's not me! I don't even have friends, I'm really a recluse, scared to get close to people, scared to love and question if i am really being loved in return, so I sabotage the relationship! I'm really mean when I don't want to be I guess to see if they would stay long enough to put up with me because I'm not really mean! It's a guard I guess! I will also go looking for reasons to prove to myself that they didn't want me in the first place and they were going to leave me anyway! So I am choosing now to not even get involved in any relationship anymore! I don't want to hurt anyone because I don't understand myself or to be hurt anymore! Yes, I've been called crazy, I've been physically and emotionally abused, my mother is textbook narcissist, my dad was absent in my raising! I don't feel a loving connection to either of them! They are both living and apart of my life but it seems forced! I can't relate to people who brag about how much they love their mother and father because I don't feel the same way! Smdh so many issues and I don't k ow where to start to deal with first! But I feel I struggle with abandonment issues and so I'm here.....

[@dansage3665]

StandupGirl1981 story of my life Right here. Word for word. I can totally relate i am the same exact way!

[@tikamccook9065]

StandupGirl1981 Story if my Fucking Life

[@WestLakeAngel]

I was wondering the other day why I have this great fear of abandonment. This may explain some things in my life. Thank you.

[@64maxpower]

Kati is a very sweet therapist

[@annerienvandenberg9061]

I found doing art or crafts take me to my happy place, because is stimilating the right side of my brain..you can surgest that to your clients!

[@giahaasbroek4717]

I've been struggling with this for years, and I'm so glad you've finally made a video on how we can help ourselves.

[@emilymcgee3812]

I find it really hard to trust people due to past childhood trauma, but when I let someone get close to me I seem to spend most of my time trying to be extra helpful or always be there for them because I am terrified that if I am no longer useful or they don't need me anymore they will leave me, Is this kind of the same? Great video as always Kati, Thank you. x

[@misseden0218]

emily 29 same ;-;

[@yehhshhs]

emily 29 OMG I do exactly the same and now I feel fcking shit because I feel used and as if I over extended myself in order for the other person to need me and not abandon me again. FFS idk what to do, I don’t want him to use me but I am not sure if he’s using me or not but it does feel like it.

[@kristianegauthier8381]

emily 29 im the same

[@faithmarie1881]

this describes me so much 0.0

[@fredericmoresmau4303]

it is overhumiliating, I get trashed by people while I can'T properly play a A-Major Scale I can'T properly play this other activity.... I'm just a Joke to them, a laughable Joke, with Max 130kilo Squats It is ridiculous and effort leads nowhere I am the total utter Bullshit FAILURE !!!!! Nothing capable off just trashe bullshit trash bullshit and overbullshit overshit!!!!!!!

[@graciedaniels4833]

I struggle with separating and understanding my feelings. Things that scare me the most and bring out the strongest emotions. 1. Abuse & Any kind of Opression. 2. Abandonment 3.Trust 4. I don't know. I'm just sad all the time.

[@seichuus7768]

I have so many problems with emotional regulation and distress tolerance. I am in a constant cycle of losing people because of my volatility and constant terror of being abandoned. in the most recent cycle i finally realized what i was doing was not okay and that the only way to have healthy and successful relationships is to change my behavior, but.... now i feel like i have an even more difficult time forming and maintaining close relationships because not only do i still fear abandonment, but now i'm extra paranoid and afraid of repeating those same toxic behaviors. on top of this, because of my self-awareness in my own toxicity, i am a complete and utter doormat. i've been subjected to emotional abuse because my abuser recognized my terror and used it against me, so that when they abused me and later told me it was my own fault for for being so toxic (even if my behavior WASN'T toxic then), i would believe them. they are no longer in my life, but i feel completely scarred. i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and i don't know what to do anymore. i feel so evil and rotten, like i don't deserve to be loved or even to heal. what should i do?

[@allakitaeva474]

Daniel Mason here with you on this question. If two shitty DBT exercises are all that were suggested against a damn tsunami of pain, suffering and fear we get... then apparently there’s no hope

[@mrbotitas18]

I can relate SO hard. I don't have answers to your question but know that you're not alone and you're VERY strong. You will manage to overcome the fear without feeling scared of yourself and your needs. We'll get through this

[@Sophia-y4f6y]

I don’t know man but I’m the same as you Bebe I feel scarred I know I’m bad so I give to try and compensate. I always feel like running away it’s so exhausting hating ones self. I’m so tired of being lied to I literally trust no one, ha not even myself it’s terrifying

[@New-ye2fl]

I can’t be afraid of abandonment, I’ve been alone my whole life.

[@TiberiusStorm]

Abandonment is a self fulfilling prophecy for most with BPD!

[@SugarTomb]

I am diagnosed with MDD, Manic, Anxiety (Social and generalized), and so on. I totally related with the intense emotions, to the point I stop feeling/am unable to know what im feeling. This is something I want to talk to my counselor about because this, i believe, could be something we haven't looked at. BPD is something we have never talked about nor even suggested to be a problem. Thank you so so much for this video!

[@deshapyleviticuscarvuito6268]

Thank You..., Doc. This is Michelin..., over and out.. “They’re helped..., it’s over.. thank god

[@kldimond]

:o I saw this headline and thought, "Well, obsessive fear of abandonment is almost the definition of BPD." Thought I'd check out the vid! Beautiful! Mental hygiene--an honest look at self and self-talk. I was married to a woman with BPD; therapist had to convince me that it wasn't actually my fault, and then he helped me sort out how I could help her, or at least help myself in the situation, figure out how to survive not abandoning her, because I was committed. In our case, she allowed herself to get worse, not doing any of the mental hygiene. And she became violent, with ideation of 'suicide by husband,' trying to drive me into murdering her--which ... not possible. But I did have to get a restraining order and divorce is imminent. Please, if you have this disorder, take action, do the mental hygiene. Save yourself ... spare your loved ones the AWFUL problem of having to figure out that they are FORCED to abandon you.

[@qualitymango8771]

The best way I've found to not be abandoned is by not engaging with anyone and not forming friendships. Its much easier to deal with and you dont get hurt as much.

[@Lara-tr8zt]

Kati thank you so much for the work you do. I've been struggling to access proper DBT treatment for my bpd but your videos have honestly helped to keep me going when it has felt like nobody has really understood what I've been going through, including myself

[@official_stubbz]

This helped me understand so much about myself and how I can try to start coping and soothing myself !!! I wish it was a longer video !

[@petparadise6955]

Maybe this is why I abandon everyone, because I'm afraid of being abandoned.. so I abandon them first before they even leave. I have really really bad social anxiety and cut off relationships after they have become so intense

[@aufwiedersehen9626]

I've been struggling with the thing for a really long time now and couldn't find anything describing how I feel and how to manage this. Now I at least feel like somebody knows what it's like. Thank you, Kati.

[@martacarvalho5260]

thank you so much kati!! I have bpd and I've been struggling a lot with this since my boyfriend is moving to another county; i am terrified of everyone in my life leaving me, my family, friends, boyfriend and especially my therapist, sometimes i feel like it consumes my life

[@franciscoguevara9727]

Have a good comment here I hope you read this. you said something about perspective. In learning boundaries we have to learn to trust our perspective. If the person is neglecting or not reciprocal in the attention they give us and we feel that way that should be enough for us to make a decision to not "invest" per-se in this relationship, or to speak up and ask for what we need. So also, fear of abandonment is not just relating to BPD, many people for fear abandonment settle for less than ideal relationships where they are not getting there needs met and feel like that's exactly what they deserve. Good video tho

[@sweet_southern_gal]

Thank you so much for this. The step by step practice really helps to illuminate what I am feeling in any given moment.

[@Captain.Basketcase]

I needed this so much today. Going back to work today and the last time i was at work i got in so much trouble for when i got frustrated and said things i didn't mean to say at all. I did learn that it was harder than I thought it would be to explain BPD to people who didn't understand it when i was upset and overwhelmed and felt like i was going to get fired.

[@jointheparty3857]

Can you talk about trauma induced abandonment issues? ♥️

[@agrav2474]

Yes, please! I have abandonment issues from trauma and I end up overthinking everything and not knowing if i am over-reacting or not and if it will ever stop.

[@chelseagirl278]

She can talk about it, doesn’t mean she will. Did you parents not tell you to ask.... please

[@shadowsoldier4life]

This video is something I sent to my friends. It’s helped them understand me so much better. Thank you

[@KiwiHorseProductions]

I have BPD. Recently my therapist told me that she was going to refer me out, and she did. Our relationship wasn't working and I was getting more and more closed off to her (I was with her for a little over a year) because I felt hurt by how she responded (or didn't respond) when I was vulnerable with her and it never got any better even after I told her multiple times how she made me feel and what was hurtful. I thought I would be okay with leaving her because our time together really wasn't helpful and in fact I think it was HURTFUL. But I wasn't ok. I was a mess and was so hurt and distressed and angry with her. I wasn't attached to her like I've been with other people, but it still hurt so bad when she stopped seeing me. Why does this feel like abandonment even though I didn't like her and was being hurt by her? I think maybe I liked the hurt. I even feel like I was using our sessions as a form of self harm in a way... I've been able to work through the feelings of abandonment now, but it was so new for me to experience such hurt after someone who was consistently hurting me left me... Does that make sense?

[@yehhshhs]

KiwiHorseProductions wow yeah I can definitely understand what you mean. And yes your hurt is valid. I think it’s good that you and therapist part ways especially when she is not handling your emotions well and also not validating you and basically doing her work well. Please allow yourself to feel hurt and sad. don’t worry I hope you’ll find a good and loving therapist!

[@FLHerbologistLaura]

KiwiHorseProductions 💙💙💙💙

[@mobleyMobley]

Jerk

[@sunshineyrainbows13]

Sounds like relationships I've had, yep...using it to self harm. man. I know that feeling. I'm so sorry it happened to you though.

[@The_big_joey]

Your videos are the most helpful things ive stumbled upon!! These techniques will certainly help me day to day... Ive felt so lost and not knowing where to BEGIN on improving myself, but you make it seem so easy and calm!! 💖

[@L2PlayRunescape]

I think I may have dealt with this for a long time. Im frustrated on not having close relationships with people but... the fear of abandonment is so strong that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I notice tiny details like you mentioned "no eye contact" and stress about them. "Why is he/she not looking at me? Are they judging me or do they not like me?" Any tiny detail i notice that might hint at abandonment or betrayal, i respond emotionally to with stress, anger, worry, and/or sadness. My mind drifts to the most negative possibility and i become accusational in my thoughts thinking that person is probably betraying me behind my back. Because it wants to fulfill that prophecy of "they will eventually abandon me." I'm keeping myself from being close with people without realizing it. And the kindness I show to people, the smiles, playful conversation, and favors, are done out of FEAR ... I feel. When I meet someone who I very much admire, anxiety takes over and I act way too nice because I desperately want them to stay and fear I'm not good enough for them. Funny enough when the other person actually lets me into their life and their mind, I end up choosing on my own to leave for a trivial reason. Because I am so afraid I will be betrayed, mocked, or humiliated.

[@parzivalsapprentice5665]

I've just had an assessment with a mental health nurse to find out if I have BPD. I'm just waiting to see a psychiatrist now to get a diagnosis. I already know I have it though. I can feel it. I finally have an answer to my suffering.

[@rochelleaustin3066]

Mini-vacation is better when it's not just visual. It does help. Encourage myself. I've been abused for having a variety of diagnosis. One is empath

[@jennyjellylelly]

What about keeping people at a distance? Is that similar?... When you're scared of people dropping you that you never/rarely get close to anyone.

[@AmberWoodMusicx]

Yes that definitely is a thing related to this

[@thereseoconnor8897]

I really love your video! I'm going through this right now. I know I'll be okay and get through it, but I became attached to my mental health nurse. I've been discharged from her as we both felt I'm ready. Leaning on my notes of the past year, new meds, and continuing to attend support groups is what I need to do to stay well. Just miss talking about the "hard" stuff with her.

[@mymixedtape]

This video is wonderful! I love your positivity Kati and how you make your viewers feel understood.

[@MaeveMeena]

KATI UR SO AMAAAAAAAZING THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING UR PROFESSIONAL KNOWLEDGE WITH US FOR FREE UR AMAZING

[@iris__and_rhizomes]

I love story of an emotion! Sometimes I just don’t know how I feel. I’ve done as you said, Kati, and printed out the emotion chart, but it is sometimes overwhelming to think about even looking at it because I know it’s going to be so confusing. Story of an emotion is probably going to help a great deal. As always, thank you for these actionable techniques! I know I struggled greatly this holiday to protect my loved ones from my overwhelming emotions. I just kind of white knuckled it. These are great tips that I’m going to use.

[@aliceg2890]

I have been thinking about this so much recently because I’ve all of a sudden gained a massive fear of abandonment. I need to talk to my therapist about this tomorrow! So thank you so much for another great video! I hope you had a great Christmas 💜💜💜

[@Katimorton]

Of course!! I am so glad the video was helpful and bringing it up with your therapist is the best first step!! xoxo

[@wolfgangromine8341]

Could you do a video on being ghosted? I just got ghosted by my boyfriend of 4 months and, honestly, I didn't see it coming at all and I feel a bit traumatized. Getting some insight would help.

[@sophielouise5043]

Wolfgang Romine I second this. I got ghosted by my boyfriend of nearly three years!

[@maryschultz741]

What does that mean, "ghosted"?

[@wolfgangromine8341]

Mary Schultz To “ghost” someone means to drop them out of your life and cut off all contact with no warning. Example: my ex boyfriend “ghosted” me because he didn’t tell me anything, just one day my number was blocked and he blocked me on all social media with no warning.

[@maryschultz741]

Wolfgang Romine wow, that's so shitty, sorry that happened to you! Thanks for answering!

[@rebeccalucas6063]

Wolfgang Romine Ouch! I'm sorry, that happened to me a few times too. It makes you not want to trust anyone for fear of it happening again.

[@fishyjustice1423]

One thing I've been trying to do is not feed into the insecurity and to tell myself that if I want this friendship/relationship to work, I need to trust that they'll be there. So when I am feeling overwhelmed I do not act on those feelings, and instead either distract myself or find an outlet for those emotions. It's gotten easier. The difficult part is to not allow those feelings to impact how I treat others. I feel like there's a line between being honest and being manipulative that's difficult to walk.

[@JJ-vr7jg]

I've rarely sought out friendship in others because I assume most friendships are temporary so I sort of save them time by not connecting. That, or I feel that I drive them away and would rather avoid that pain.

[@MariR801]

Omg I needed this video for soooo long! Thank you so much Kati!! Fighting borderline sucks big time and videos like this really help! I’m really thankful!

[@Sameoldfitup]

I was diagnosed with personality disorder (major) in 1982 when i was 17 years old, after a very traumatic childhood of mental abuse, abandonment, childrens homes.

[@TheCutie314159265]

Wow. Great video Kati. You were spot on with the manipulation thing. I have experienced it from both ends and you are 100% right.

[@marsgalbraith5287]

I have just been diagnosed with bpd and I tend to feel like the boy who cried wolf because I always make a big deal about everything and act like it’s the end of the world but then when something very serious is happening nobody knows if they can trust that it’s serious or not. And it hurts. I have just ordered two books on how to practice dbt skills and how to help regulate my intense emotions that go along with bpd, so I’m definitely going to work on this so I don’t disappoint my loved ones (mainly my boyfriend) but also so I don’t disappoint myself.

[@MrWesleysDad]

I just watched this again. It’s weird how you can hear the same information, delivered the same way, even from the same person, but it hits completely differently. I think what I’ve figured out is that identifying also still needs the skillset to know what to do with/for/about it. Without then it’s just dreadfully anxious.

[@Mooch1209]

Hey Kati, I've recently performed a research study on the stigma surrounding the name 'borderline personality disorder', and most of the research I conducted into clinician stigma suggested most mental health professionals with a negative image of BPD use terms like "manipulative" and "attention-seeking", and that these terms can create a stressed therapeutic alliance, resulting in lower treatment efficacy, compliance and so on. I was wondering what you thought of Marsha Linehan’s assertion that pejorative terms such as “manipulative” are as accurate a description of BPD sufferers as they would be of burn victims who were withheld pain medication, making any clumsy attempt to relieve that pain (I’m 99% sure it was her, but I’ve read so many articles on BPD lately, and this one didn’t make it into my reference list…). I would argue that manipulation requires intent and personal gain, implying a deliberate, conscious act on the part of the BPD sufferer. I understand that from the outside frequent suicidal ideation, self harm, and other attempts to gain attention and caring from loved ones may look like manipulation, but is that not the same as saying a depressed person who stays in bed all day is ‘lazy’, simply because it appears that way from the outside? I’d love to hear your opinions on Millon’s proposed 4 subtypes of borderline, as I think (given the name isn’t likely to be changed anytime soon) they provide a better insight into the particular behaviour patterns of the individual, so they aren’t all painted with the same brush so to say.

[@karenbirney9288]

Melissa Excellent comment I couldn’t agree more ! Xx

[@fredericmoresmau4303]

ihr könnt mich mal ich habe WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY LESS FUCKED UP als was ihr mir an scheisse aufgebrummt habt.... von der ich nix weiß..... aber selber draußen bleiben

[@samanthak9078]

Agreed. I cringed when i heard the word manipulation. I get what she is trying to say, but I would not use that word at all. People with BPD (including me) aren't manipulating, we are starving for the self that was abandoned in the past and we are searching for answers to keep us loved and secure. The ways that look like are totally different for each person, but I know manipulate (like discriminate) can have negative connotations and it's hard to separate the usage here and the meaning of the word typically.

[@sukifriend]

Thank you so much. All day it's been such a struggle.. and that can feel like a waste of a day. I needed this to understand.

[@GoldenGirls08]

I love your video I’ve been going through this and I’ve been needing to talk to someone. I’ve had one sided friendships a lot in my life. I’ll be friend someone and then it feels like 5 seconds later they leave. I’ve also been taken advantage of too. I do believe I like to please others because I don’t want to end up alone and feel like no one likes me.

[@mararashomon9494]

I am a passionate watcher of Kati's videos. but most of all, I feel I am craving that golden frog. I NEED IT. :D

[@gracemanier1362]

Happy New Year everyone! I hope y'all have an awesome 2018!

[@Katimorton]

Happy New Year!!

[@sweetfa9116]

I just found your channel and your great. You are really passionate about what you do. im about to start therapy again (haven't been since I was a teen) and I hope to god that my new therapist is as good as you.

[@valeenti]

Hi Kati! 🤗 I'm from Peru! First, happy new year!!! Well, I suffer from BPD and some times I watch your videos and I'm so grateful for your time to do this for us who suffer from mental health problems 🙏 In my country mental health is a taboo so for me is difficult express what happen in my mind to others. I hope this year I'm be better. Successes, Kati! Love ya! 💕🙏👐🤗

[@Neeshpeesh123]

You know they lil beat at the top with the music is really dope. I bang my head everytime and pretend to buss a freestyle. 👍🏾

[@Maggiemae33]

Awesome topic! Thank you for continuously educating us to be healthier happier humans

[@isabelaaaa1255]

I don't have bpd but recently noticed my fear of abandonment , i say noticed because I have a naturally sensitive slightly more neurotic and volatile personality ( I mean I don't see it as too much of a problem it's just something you work with ya know ) and just regarded it as normal and I wanna say only some came from an event in early life but really that's just how I thought most people we're and it's funny bc I was like oh I have this under control but I'll watch this video bc interest and I'm subscribed so it came up and then 3 mins and 2 examples in I'm like OK TO0 CLOSE STOP IT THERE hahaha . Not pleasant to recognize yourself in those behaviors but very useful . Thank you 💘 I've done my own research so I was kind of aware and I've improved in many aspects but this video was very helpful . Thank you so much .

[@dora.mitrou]

I struggle with this so bad and your video was very helpful.I will try to follow your advice and tips and get myself in control cause I sometimes get out of control and do completely stupid things to keep a person's attention....Also,I would like to ask for more videos about attachment and transference and obsessions over some people we may get.Thanks a lot,happy New year!😊

[@hninoowai1431]

Story of Emotions is helpful alot

[@devin6272]

When I google things about myself and how to better myself i somehow always end up here. Thanks.

[@atxjazz1282]

Its really hard to overcome the strong initial reaction. I've got a nasty combination of abandonment issues and rejection sensitivity. So if I feel like I've been rejected, I feel physical discomfort and get put into a fight or flight mode. Just recently, I was like "that's it. My friends don't care about me so I'm gonna do them all a favor and just give up. I'm gonna leave them before they can leave me". Then one of those friends addressed me as her "sister" and it made me see how irrational I was being.

[@TheJujucordeiro]

Im with a person who has fear of abandonment, we were very close to break up. He wasn't a open person that can talk about his fears, insecurities and just talk about personal stuff. Every time when I asked him personal things about his life he push me away and treat me as a jealous person that dont trust him, but im the kind of person that is extremely honest and open about myself, my insecurities, my past, my thoughts.... and for a long time I stayed shut up and didn't ask personal things anymore but it was insane because I move from another country because of him, and we barely knew each other. Bottom line is, I asked him to being himself and to not being more afraid of showing me who he was and who he is, because everyone has problems and no one is perfect. I guess we are in a new chapter of our relationship, I hope so....

[@melt2716]

Amazing video

[@jenniferberry120785]

You my friend Kati make this look so simple it isn't even when you are learning it. I use DBT every day. Also I believe that BPD should be studied more in younger people.

[@friescheese]

i usually become the people pleaser, i would do anything to have my friends stay with me even though they're at wrong just because i don't want to be left out. sometimes i would make my friends to constantly assure me that they'll stay. it's so scary and being like this also makes me push people away just because im afraid they'll leave first or because i just feel that i don't deserve them. the dark thoughts get intense such time

[@Em_Elizabeth]

Reminds me of my boyfriend. He's been rejected by a couple of other girls and took it hard. The other day, I didn't text him back until nighttime and he was angry, said he'd felt abandoned. When he asked me "How would you feel if I did that to you?" I responded that I'd just assume he is busy or has his phone off and not be bothered by it. Sounds like abandonment issues to me. What scares me is knowing he sank into depression and unhealthy coping with those otr girls. Maybe he was younger and foolish then, but If he can't handle one day without a response, what will he do if this doesn't work out?

[@daion1247]

Emma Loura it’s good that you are asking that question NOW. You already know the answer. What you’re noticing is danger ahead. He will probably take all of that out on you. Please consider distancing yourself from him discreetly of course before it’s TOO LATE. A lot of young ladies aren’t here to tell you to LEAVE. You can’t love his issue away no matter how nice you are to him. He doesn’t understand that you truly care for him but at the same time he will take advantage of you and you’ll lose yourself trying to save him. You can’t save him. Only Jesus can save both of you. Take care of yourself PLEASE.

[@siriusly_ash]

Hey, are you still with your boyfriend...? Because I pushed my ex boyfriend away during to my abandonment issues.. :/

[@traceywinters3542]

On point, as always! Thank you Kati for your videos! You are a KZbin Rock Star!

[@artbarrett469]

Love you Katie! Simply.. thank you.

[@jessqinn7702]

Thank you Kati!

[@Katimorton]

You are very welcome Jessie!! xxoo