Are You in an Unfulfilling Relationship? (Do This)

[@Summerdreams3]

I don’t think you can be a good husband if you are a bad dad

[@roselynn3066]

I agree... it's like a personality thing. How can you have a great relationship with your wife or husband but not have a good one with your kids? It's strange. Like I could see a step parent doing that but not with you're own kids.

[@Mrscarricom]

Nah fams. Even some serial killers were perfect fathers

[@purplepheasant4776]

​@Mrscarricom perfect superficially but I am sure there are significant deficits.

[@Mrscarricom]

@purplepheasant4776 took me years to realize someone can be completely evil to me and kind to someone else. Aren't some of our bada** children the teachers' favorite student?

[@purplepheasant4776]

@Mrscarricom That comparison is a bit different. People can interact differently with others depending on recipients behavior, receptiveness and response, and environment. I think evil people can pretend to be kind but only up to a limit. For example, as you suggested, kind in public but has to unleash once home or vice versa. Relationships must be detective work, I guess.🤷‍♀️

[@britneyog9537]

I RARELY call my husband at work. But, when I do, I feel extremely validated and his priority. I often hear "excuse me, it's my wife, I'll be with you later". Or, "I love you" while co-workers are present. He makes it clear. That's how it should be and I'm so thankful it comes naturally.

[@murderofcrows7738]

He could be patient though because you rarely call him. My husband is the same, however his coworkers have wives who call multiple times a day over things that aren’t important. It often disrupts the project they are working on, which then puts the coworker in a bad mood. This caller may have reason to be insecure, or she may not. She definitely is insecure though. She lives with the man, works with him, and still needs to call while he’s at work multiple times a day? I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to feed that beast.

[@mg9138]

Get a fucking job. I'm sure by "rarely" you mean three times a day. Your husband deserves better than you, I hope he's having an affair.

[@britneyog9537]

@@mg9138 you need.... help. Sounds like something hit a nerve with you. I won't speculate just what. I do have a job. I work 7 days a week. Actually TWO. I work part time as a nurse and take care of my kids and home. And, he calls me the most , WHILE I'm wiping asses. Then, I do it again on the weekends. So... 💁🏻‍♀️ Wish you happiness, miserable.

[@JaZmine147]

I was an escort in my 20ies for a few years when I found myself in a financial need. Let me tell you how many times I was silently sitting and waiting for the call to the wife to finish mid session. Let me tell you some men are behaving like real time psychopaths.

[@boxesbinslidsllc]

While he may not always be able to answer, a quick text to say I'll reach out in a few should suffice. Never allow your partner to wonder if they're a priority in your life. He's avoiding her and she already knows it.

[@sophiashouse7320]

That was a great statement. He changes a tire and fixes your car and pays bills, and that’s what we are calling a great husband. So true. There’s more than that to be a great husband.

[@Brovillion559]

Most men in my generation I’m 39 were rarely show affection. My father tried to beat the weakness out of us like it was his job. Anyway it sucks. My son is 14 and I’ve told my wife I’m not raising boys I’m trying to raise good young men that will turn into good men. It’s hard hugging them and opening up about life past and present, showing weakness and kindness and so on. A few months ago my son answered his phone and told his friends it’s my dad hang on you guys….conversation over he says love you dad and I hear one of his friends mock him jokingly. And my son says I love my dad your a hater and hung up. Man it was a great feeling. He’s not worried about showing his emotions.

[@nailahdawkins]

Bravo! I love that you are teaching your boys love, affection, being kind, and feeling one's feelings. I love the way your son stood up for you and defended himself. You're raising the net generation and doing a good job.

[@soul1380]

That's awesome!

[@身赤-w3w]

That is amazing!!!! Your son doesn't give in to peer pressure, it's so hard not to but you raised him soo confident 💖

[@dannelle17]

Dad win !!!!!!!

[@flipphone4755]

There’s no relationship that warms my heart like a daddy and his kid. 🧡

[@collunellis5563]

I really do feel like I’m doing pretty good as a husband, I do a ton for my wife and love doing it all. As far as my kids, I have for sure been non-attentive, though I’m “still present” because we’re home together. Last week my boys made a huge mess in our downstairs and I completely lost my temper and blew up at my boys, 11yo and 8yo. I harshly grabbed my 8yo and shoved him into his room. My wife stepped in and got between us. I had to check myself and then I calmly left the house for the evening and went to my shop at work and beat myself up as I tinkered on equipment about how I was not being a father my boys can look up to, or emulate how they should be as dads. It took me a couple days, but I took my 8yo son to lunch and apologized for acting like I did and promised to never let it happen again. My heart about melted when he calmly said with a small smile “I forgive you Dad…”. He taught me a lot in those few seconds, I hope to one day be as kind and forgiving as him. And, I hope I never stifle that kindness he has in his heart! It’s been a life changing few days and this episode really helped me out my heart and mind in the right place, thank you Dr. John!

[@ineedhoez]

What was the consequence they faced as a result of their poor behavior? Did you let your blow up and subsequent guilt make you fail to discipline the kids?

[@Missybella92227]

I commend you for apologizing to your child and not putting your pride first. It’s unfortunate how many men live their lives putting their pride first.

[@robinjaime]

How fucking beautiful. Sorry. Had to use that word….because I can see your heart opening up. Precious.

[@hellomarisolmo]

It's amazing that you figured this out on your own. You got this.

[@robinjaime]

@@NubianStone dear, sweet beauty. STOP blaming yourself. STOP justifying other peoples treatment of you. YOU deserve everything, and then some! Forever and always. I Promise. It’s taken me so long to truly love and accept myself, for all that I am. Even if you’ve ever been told you weren’t wanted. Or whatever hurt you’ve felt in your soul…the wag you heal it, is making YOU a person you want to want. And want yourself desire your love and acceptance. Each challenge any of us face, is ultimately a reflecting mirror to your own growth and difficulties. Just begin to see it like that. Learn to relate to others feelings, and/or ‘truths’ that damaged your inner child. Feel & heal that. It’s the only way to Peace…trust me. 💕❤️ Many blessings and much love to you.

[@marthaanhalt481]

I love that so many men call with so much vulnerability and true concerns

[@jasminemariedarling]

I have this issue with our dogs. My husband and I had 2 dogs that he wanted. I take care of them, feed them, walks, play with ball, cuddles, attention. He barely looks at them. The older one got sick and had to be put down & on his death bed, my husband was sobbing, saying he should have done more. So for the dog we have left, he played with her for a few days and then stopped. This is part of the reason I never had kids.

[@Flash3-22]

I am so grateful we did not have children. He thinks he would be a great father, but has not been a good husband. Could not count on him financially, chose marijuana over our marriage. On and on. He does love our animals, thank heavens.

[@F_Dot_]

You're comparing having kids to dogs? Lol

[@jasminemariedarling]

@@F_Dot_ I was using one example of how my husband's behavior towards things in general made me decide not to have children with him. The way he treated the dogs is one example. There are other examples. It's not that hard to comprehend my point.

[@dream0froses]

@@F_Dot_ If he can't even take care of a dog, he will not take care of children. She absolutely got it right.

[@daCubanaqt]

@@dream0froses Yup! Another thing is, if you cannot agree on how to train and take care of your animals, you won’t be able to do it with your kids. That is definitely another sign you shouldn’t have kids.

[@jcstuart6978]

A lot of men don’t understand the concept of what emotional cheating is, this sounds like a learning opportunity for your fiancé.

[@mv7374]

💯 this

[@myoldmanbaby]

1st caller - My dad was exactly like that and it basically ruined many years of my life, and my brothers. You don't really know how messed up you are from an emotionally unavailable dad until you get out into the world and start to form your own relationships. My therapist calls it "little t" trauma. Instead of "big T," for example physical abuse or something, it might appear to be a smaller thing because it's the absence of something - it's neglect. But that absence can speak volumes, and we carry that message of - you aren't worthy of love or relationship - with us for most of our lives.

[@veracityhunter7777]

Well said

[@wekivaaquatics5918]

I'm 40 and struggle with feelings of worthlessness and thoughts of not deserving to be loved from an emotionally unavailable father. It sucks.

[@veracityhunter7777]

@@wekivaaquatics5918 Internal family systems therapy helped me with these feelings 💙

[@wekivaaquatics5918]

@@veracityhunter7777 thank you for the information. I will look into it now.

[@veracityhunter7777]

@@wekivaaquatics5918 I also did EMDR for my childhood trauma. Im wishing you the best 💙

[@kathybennett8293]

I'm glad you acknowledged Diana's intuition about her fiance having an affair and didn't try to tell her it was all her problem and all in her head!

[@Whatorwellsaid21]

If a partner makes you feel like an outsider/stranger when they are working/spending time with co-workers, something is wrong. That’s my experience. I had a relationship like that. At the very least they aren’t really in love with you. Now that I have a partner who finds every chance to talk to me on breaks and to tell me about the job/co-workers, I see the big difference.

[@SomeBody-ce3gq]

Good for you! And I agree with what you said 100%!

[@aprilchow-chee5281]

Yeah very true. He was cheating and they all knew they would hang out with the side piece after work or she would show up on the clock in his office

[@danbev9313]

BS. Leave your man alone when he's working. No man wants a ball busting woman haunting him at work several times a day.

[@jennifermarie8707]

So glad you found someone who cares❤

[@FashnKween]

It sounds like Diana is trying to tell Dr. John that her partner forgets about her when he’s away for work. There’s no excuse that he can’t talk to his wife sometime during the day.

[@zakiyaseedat3180]

Listening to this made me realize being a parent is alot. It not only about providing shelter, clothing, and food. But being present and showing love and care.

[@Mscookie3131]

“Your son will chase your blessing even if they hate them.” By Deloney. Some of the most powerful words I ever heard.

[@sackettfamily4685]

I realized I was doing it with my mother, by having babies so I'd get her attention. Slightly mortifying to realize that was a motivation for wanting a 2nd child. I've never been close to her, since she hates physical touch and I'm extremely touchy.

[@Ellekan]

This is so true! I’m in my 30s and stopped doing this a couple of years ago. I feel like chains were broken and a weight has been lifted. My mother divorced and remarried almost a year later when I was 5 or 6 and I was already an afterthought. She is currently on her 3rd marriage after she had gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship of 17 years. I found out some VERY shocking information about her current husband that made me rethink bringing my kids around him and she took his side. That’s when I felt like I was set free. She made the decision for me. Children always come first in these type of situations, which she never believed since she kept repeating her mistakes. I promised myself I would always protect my children and Dr. John validated this and I was set free from chasing her. As a matter of fact I apparently hurt her when I told her she should have protected me and my sister from her abusive husband and I laughed. She needs to deal with the hard truth and I’ll be over hear many states away set free from chasing her.

[@LCC1972]

I am 51. My (step)dad passed five years ago...I still mourn the idea of a "normal" family. Having my family over for a weekend dinner and maybe a game of cards. A Christmas afternoon together. I still wish he could have enjoyed his grandchildren. The dad shaped hole is still there and raw.

[@MesheherKim]

Diana he’s cheating. Maybe not physically but emotionally. Girl run. This guy will hurt you in the end. If I call my husband he will pause the convo with whoever to say “my wife is calling etc” or answer to tell me he’s in the middle of a meeting etc he’ll call me back and immediately calls me back. Stop telling her it’s in her head John. It’s not. That guy is shady and is cheating emotionally. Run Diana. Run!!!

[@SomeBody-ce3gq]

He got it eventually when she said that fiance gets angry when she talks about the boss and the boss acts standoffish around her

[@Gloriagal78]

@@SomeBody-ce3gqAgreed

[@normantheforeman9866]

Diana, if he won’t say I love you in front of another lady, you should leave him. Don’t live your life walking on glass.

[@dahliacheung6020]

Yeah, for sure. I absolutely can't definitively say he's cheating with his manager but I think the reason she's even suspecting it is because he doesn't seem to be trying to make her a priority like one would normally expect when engaged or married. I do think that they've reached the point where they need to sit down and have that one final conversation: "do you still want to be continuing with this engagement moving toward marriage?" and,"if so, then we need to really commit, change some things and figure things what eachother needs." But of course they might just decide to be done.

[@frankirwin5684]

For the people who are wondering about what their needs are the best place to start is focus on what your non negotiables are. This is going to start give you a picture of what your boundaries are. Once you have identified your boundaries you can start you know what your want and needs are.

[@ILENEmusic]

Helpful. Thank you❤

[@katrinadumonceaux8521]

That is enough to raise red flags. At work or not there should be no reason for not saying "I love you" to your fiancé.

[@tinam761]

Yeah … lots of red flags 🚩 including the woman at works behavior… it’s very sad. Men and women need to do better and NOT connect in an inappropriate way with people that are in relationships… even if you’re single.

[@LivesUnderRock868]

I resonate with the first caller do much. The line for me was when my youngest asked why Dad doesn't like him, what is wrong with him (my son). I'm having to explain to am 8 year old that there is nothing wrong with him and some adults look like adults on the outside but have kids feelings on the inside and the mismatch is frustrating for them. I have talked to him, he won't do anything with the kids that he doesn't like or want to do with them. 😢

[@peacelove7706]

Get OUT NOW! I’m certain You don’t get what you need either correct? I say this from experience…..those children don’t need daily reminders that that aren’t enough for their father….regardless of what you say, explain etc ….they are kids….they just FEEL what he is emanating to them…..they need to get away from him, build their self confidence, feel FULLY LOVED with You , and work that out, while he is not nearby with those upsetting behaviors sending the opposite messages.

[@JusttRaquel]

Dianas intuition is active for a reason. That's only going to increase after marriage. The pain will only get worse if you get married and actually FIND the concrete evidence you are looking for.

[@tulipchic34]

Sounds like my father. Never truly engaged with us as children. Never paid attention to our social and educational needs. All the emotional labor was placed on my mother and with three daughters it wasn’t easy for her. I’m 50 years old now and I still don’t have a close relationship with him although he is always happy to help out if I need it. I think it’s sad for him as I am very close to my kids and have made great memories with them, while with his own kids he has ver few

[@ivnehaas]

Last call... Anger when you bring things up, changes in behavior, dressing, grooming. Sorry, sister, he is at least interested in his coworker. Good luck. :(

[@raewynhaughton1585]

It’s horrible when wives have to teach their husbands to be an actual Dad.

[@frankirwin5684]

People have to pick their partners better

[@britneyog9537]

Exactly. When choosing a spouse, you better be darn sure they are gonna make a great parent. You know, even before kids.

[@veracityhunter7777]

@@frankirwin5684 Yes

[@ineedhoez]

@@britneyog9537 amen to that!

[@ineedhoez]

It is horrible when women pick men that won't be good fathers as partners. Why would you pick someone who is emotionally stunted and a poor communocator as the person you would want to model behavior for your child? At the very least pick a partner who is willing to learn new skills and doesn't shut down at the thought of having a convo about some stuff. Pick a partner who values the kids in the same way that you do. At the very least, you will both agree to set your egos aside and do what's best for kids.

[@wekivaaquatics5918]

My dad wasn't emotionally available ir involved when I was a kid. I'm 40 years old and still suffer and struggle with thoughts of worthlessness.

[@DaMarcoMuzik]

Me too...wow...I'm 38 n I feel the same way

[@annlatham]

You are worthy!!!!! ❤

[@wekivaaquatics5918]

@@annlatham thank you 🙏

[@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788]

Last call. If they are travelling together and sh*t like that, she's already lost him.

[@dianethompson6804]

Parenting is the most important job we have and it has the least amount of training. A lot of men don't know what they need to do to be a good Dad. If their Dad only was a good provider and otherwise ignored the kids--thats how the kids will parent their children! It a vicious cycle if the fathers aren't good!! We should have to go through parenting classes, not just for babies, but for grade school age kids and teenagers. A child's value system is set by the time they are 4 yrs old!! Really scary!

[@khchoi25]

It would be really fascinating if there were some follow-up to these calls. Love your show!

[@No._1_Karen]

Excellent idea!

[@pattimartin859]

My ex husband calls once a year. Always has, never spent any time with his children. He didn't watch them grow up, he never shared with them. He now wonders why, now that they are grown and have children of their own, why don't they call me. Why don't my children share their lives with me......... Answer is....... Because YOU never shared your life with me !!!

[@williamr4053]

That was my Dad. Last time I saw him was in 1998. He just died June 2023. To say I’m not handling it the best, it a bit of an understatement. I did not attend the funeral, because I didn’t want to publicly shed a tear for a man I don’t know, so I kept my tears private. The best way I can describe it is that I’m mad, sad, and glad all at the same time. I’m proactively seeking out therapy now, just to get some of my feelings out in the open. I’m 39 and the last time I did therapy was when my dad went to prison in 1993. Therapy helped me out a ton. Time to get back in a chair and talk.

[@pattimartin859]

@@williamr4053 Ya know, needless to say, we choose our roads. Everyone starts with a blank road. It is up to us to decide what we want on that road. It's up to us to plant the flowers and the trees. It's up to us to build the house and admire the brightness of the sun and admire the stars. Never leave that to someone else. Or expect it of someone else. It is our road to walk. ! Love yourself and put one foot in front of the other. It becomes the other person's fault in what THEY. missed out on. Do not hold their loss or guilt....., it's not yours..... Hugs always.

[@sandraweber]

"I have a responsibility to him to help him be better" exactly what we are taught...as women it's OUR ROLE to bring men up. No. Lot's of religious influence here.

[@ashleyparker1481]

This episode called one made me cry... Some people won't change even if you speak very directly. They listen, but dont hear or don't believe there is any issue. If they don't see the issue, they won't charge because they don't believe there is anything to change.

[@lav7161]

I don't have hope in Holly having that conversation with her husband. She's scared just being on the phone with John.

[@amabdall]

All these small things she said will lead to one conclusion. Don't ignore red flags. Just because you don't have evidence doesn't mean it doesn't exist. This thing about the group and then having only 3 people or ending up in the car together is a huge red flag.

[@kingzana]

the car thing was super weird

[@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788]

If the dad is ok with his kids feeling scared of approaching him, he must enjoy the sense of power he gets over his kids. He might have insecurities and an inferiority complex

[@bunniewood]

She mentioned that he hates himself so yeah

[@ShellyRoKnows]

This episode hit home for me. I’m in a similar situation when it comes to this issue. This show is the best. Thank you so much Dr. D for all you’re doing ❤🙏🏽

[@DownHomeDavis]

Diana… he’s cheating.

[@jeremy_logan]

Timestamp?

[@LyYAHN]

Why are you so convinced? I'm honestly just curious 😊

[@melkerner]

I found that being replaced by the dogs and kids really had an affect on how I related to my family, and just lost my drive to be "there". No time for "us" for 15 years, we lost our relationship and it was all about the kids - unconsciously, I found I was being distant and focused on work because I found the house to be overly chaotic and wound up resenting the time and attention to everyone but me. We gained the kids, but lost our romance, and that is what I had a hard time dealing with. It's very difficult

[@briansolomon2969]

I feel you.

[@Susq15]

Change is hard. Patience and grace and encouragement from others are essential. Criticism kills motivation and activates defenses. "Build one another up." Being impossible to please can be an issue as well. Maybe issuing an invitation would help. "Hey, do you want to go to the pool with us? Or what would you rather do? I'd love to spend time as a family!"

[@britneyog9537]

Diana, run. 😬

[@justinhankins7253]

Wow this sounds like my Dad. Its amazing how you dont see what was done wrong to you when you were little and its easier to see it in others.

[@bethanyg153]

Some husbands get jealous of the kids with all the attention they get when they come along.

[@JustMe-wc5zn]

😪😪😪this one resonates with me and my situation so much. Except it's 6 of my kids step-dad, we have one together. He is a remarkable provider, but lacks in so many other very important areas😭 I have always second guessed myself in talking myself into just being patient, praying, and waiting...We now have only 3 left in the home. But the older 4 girls have admitted to having "daddy issues" since their bio dad really didn't have a relationship with them after divorce and their step-dad didn't make an effort. I beat myself up everyday over this...thank you for your input on your shows!

[@mv7374]

A few of the things Diana was mentioning i was like “hmm not the biggest issue” (i have no issues about the not saying i love you or answering her call when he’s at dinner w colleagues), but like John mentioned, twds the end of her call, I don’t think it’s all in her head. Best wishes to her-hoping he just needs things spelled out like a lot of dudes I know

[@daCubanaqt]

Yup, my thoughts were leaning towards affair throughout the call, but when Diana started talking about how the other woman reacted to her I was like yup, he’s cheating in some way.

[@Passport50]

NEVER date a coworker. Period.

[@annlatham]

Yes single female coworkers ruin so many marriages… usually with married men. Any decent woman will not wreck a home.

[@jwoooooooo]

I can relate to the first caller.. he pleaded me for a child .. and now barely acts like she exists :(

[@veracityhunter7777]

This is heartbreaking.

[@ineedhoez]

Ouch

[@seadragon1456]

It’s kinda like laundry day. It’s easy to gather the laundry. It’s easy to throw it in the washer. It’s easy switch to the dryer. But for some reason that basket full of clean laundry sits for a week or even longer in some of yalls houses because nobody wants to fold it or hang it and take it where it needs to go. Starting a family is the same way…. It’s easy loading and unloading. The commitment afterwards is the WORK.

[@jwoooooooo]

Thank you everyone 💓

[@Sandra-vg1jn]

To the last caller, my dear, you should be suspicious-very suspicious! If you ask him about a possible affair, and he gets angry, that’s a red flag. If he can’t talk to you when she is listening, that’s a red flag. If she is awkward and unfriendly around you, that’s a red flag. There are women in this world who just have to have a man that is already taken. This may be a game that she wants to win, and you didn’t even know you were in the game. Many men can lie like a dog and still live with themselves, because they are so good at the old compartmentalization game. His relationship with you is in one box with the lid closed when he is with her. His relationship with her is in another box with a lid closed, that you don’t have access to. Don’t ever assume that he wouldn’t cheat!

[@Gloriagal78]

Very well said

[@bittehiereinfugen7723]

Sandra, I absolutely agree with you and you really summed it up extremely well. But, I have to correct one thing 😉 as a cheated wife who also has dogs: dogs are absolutely honest creatures. They show you clearly whether they love you or not, whether you are important or irrelevant to them, what they see you as. Dogs never lie.

[@Sandra-vg1jn]

@@bittehiereinfugen7723 Interesting point-it’s just a very old idiom or slang term in the English language; I don’t really know its origin. Yes dogs are quite faithful; I certainly don’t wish to insult them!

[@bittehiereinfugen7723]

@@Sandra-vg1jn Oh, thank you very much, I learned something new right away! English is simply a second language for me, and I didn't know this phrase at all. Thank you for taking your time to explain this to me!

[@Sandra-vg1jn]

@@bittehiereinfugen7723 No problem! The English language is full of slang terms and words that have more than one meaning-it can be quite confusing! You are doing very well! 😊

[@karenr5870]

14:58 choosing to pick the illusion of stability. Wow!

[@ramonaneyrinck2292]

I absolutely LOVE your conversation with ROB!! Ive been sharing your podcast with my friend whose struggling with his marriage. I love how you read the songs at the end. Very fitting song today.

[@tinam761]

I think something is going on … his behavior has changed… he’s working extra hard on his appearance… there is some kind of flirting going on. As there is some distance at your work … I would wonder what he has told his co-worker about you. I went through something similar. I discussed it with him and he stopped and he has shown a change in his behavior… however, the trust is not there from me and it’s difficult to rebuild.

[@lilolmecj]

I should listen to the whole thing first…for 20 years when my hubby was gone six months a year, no contact, I just did what had to be done. Be strong ladies, you have it in you.

[@annag467]

Hahaha duuude I realize from Dr. John's suggestions for explaining needs to a partner: feelings aren't permanent. I dont have to be afraid of being too horny forever, or wanting high gear exercise forever, or wanting a lot of sleep for a couple months or coming off as too inconsistent. I've been so afraid of needing anything from anyone else that i manage well on my own. Its weird to realize how simple the truth is: we need things in seasons. Feelings are not permanent. Thank you Dr. John D.

[@jackintheboxhater222]

My husband seems like this. Our baby is 9 months. He is trying but he still snaps and yells. I’m so tired emotionally. My resentment is building, I know I’m not perfect but I’m trying also.

[@shehnazahmad5213]

Im watching from Johannesburg South Africa🇿🇦

[@jaredsummers2460]

Hollys story remind me of the relationship I had with my dad. Emotionally and physically distant and told myself I wouldn’t do that to my kids bc I know the affects it had on me now. Never hearing I love you or good job etc.

[@irina383]

The first caller. Your husband may be not the best father but it’s the best your kids will have. What is the next step after divorce? Sons still don’t have a father, you expect another man to be a better father to your kids then their own? There’s not even a lot of men willing to step in, and they are not going to be more affectionate towards your kids then their own father. Unless there is a physical emotional abuse you better work it out with your husband, convince him to do therapy

[@selenasandoval9480]

This is my exact situation! My husband is good to me but not a good step dad at all. Semi good father to the toddler but almost terrible parent to the 9yr old. HELP

[@joeFratena]

I don’t know if anyone will see this, but the Ska band that covered Come on Eileen is called Save Ferris, not to be confused with Letters to Cleo who covered “I want you to want me” - I don’t know why I felt compelled to comment for the first time ever to clarify this.

[@janicewright4007]

Thank you for service 😎

[@karinalemus2305]

I’m kinda in the same place as the first caller. Husband had no interest on spending quality time with the kids, no playing, no interacting, no bonding. I’m tired of asking him to be present for them but he doesn’t see the problem and thinks as long as they have food and shelter he is doing his job. He is a good man but this situation is frustrating and stressful to me to the point of considering leaving him and move out with the kids, since he always seems to want to be left alone.

[@EJaj1623]

Being a good parent is a lot of work, a lot of self reflection, intentionally, and selflessness. Some people, and I think it’s more common with men from what I’ve seen, find themselves as parents and they hate it.

[@tethergobrrr]

As a woman, if I had the misfortune of becoming a parent I’d have been like this guy, at best. No amount of self reflection could have overcome the visceral annoyance I feel when around kids for too long. Luckily I knew this about myself early enough to avoid causing any damage to myself or others.

[@wf4983]

Wow! I can relate to the Needs topic. I try to find out mine step by step - it is very hard.

[@snowren24]

Save Ferris did the “Come on Eileen Cover” They also kinda had a hit called “The World is New”

[@wf4983]

Diana, I'm sorry. Find it out!!! Be very vulnerable, because you already are - he should react to that, even when he will need some time to answer that. Maybe , take some days off ftom that relationship. So, you can think and he can think....

[@freshfromthecoven13]

That husband is 1000% sleeping with his boss

[@chicamie]

“Fiancée”

[@Gloriagal78]

Actually, it’s his coworker

[@2daFull]

Regarding the first caller, I wonder if he really is as emotionally disconnected as she says or is he just not living up to the picture of what an emotionally connected father should look like. It's so tricky because he has a perspective, too. I feel like you have to go to a counselor with your spouse so both parties can give context.

[@lorenagleason6628]

The ska band was probably Save Ferris. Awesome band and they also had a song called Spam which rocks.

[@leahwilliams9333]

Kids can come first, sure, but out of the house of the man who is their biological father is almost the inevitable next step. I really don't think that's putting them first. It's putting her first maybe but even an emotionally distant father is better than no father, correct? Where is the line drawn? Because it doesn't sound like this is an abusive situation; perhaps neglectful, but the kids have one parent who is present and will cushion that blow. I don't know. I would hesitate to say a blanket statement like, "Kids come first."

[@ineedhoez]

Agreed. Abuse is completely understandable. This doesn't sound the same though.

[@helianabanes4875]

Emotional neglect, and practical emotional immaturity, EASILY spells out abuse. My husband had a father like this, and it made him EXTREMELY vulnerable to a grown man that did not have his best interest at heart, and THAT changed the entire scope of his childhood, and life. They will look in other places, and they will be ripe for grooming, and abuse. She needs to tell her husband that, because that is the truth.

[@Cali12-21]

I have been traveling for 17 years communication is before the day starts and when the day is done. Team dinner? Talk before. Or. After depending on time difference. If she has concern she needs to just tell him.

[@LoriPHarris]

I wasted a lot of years with an emotionally unavailable husband, and honestly he worked hard but was not emotionally available for my kids either I think because he didn’t know how. It never occurred to him to do some of the things other Dads do, I’m not sure exactly why. I do have some ideas and realized all of it was never gonna change because as he had told me he was different. I should have listened 15+ yrs ago and I wouldn’t be 65 yrs old starting over for all of it, financially and emotionally.

[@CairynJay]

Oh man I want updates on all of these so badly

[@What-v7k]

The husband and coworker - cheating .

[@LyYAHN]

41:33 "Are you done..?.... with the relationship?" I really first thought he was annoyed by her talking "this much". 😮😆🙈

[@AshleyLebedev]

YOU DO NOT AND I REPEAT DO NOT HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN WHO YOU CAN’T EVEN TELL THAT THEIR HANGING OUT WITH SOMEONE BOTHERS YOU. I don’t necessarily get that it’s HER issue. A woman’s intuition is sometimes real. But you gotta talk to him not hold back and act happy. YOU ARE PRIORITY in todays relationships. Not a coworker you are sidelining self for. Much love to you! Assess if you are anxious preoccupied attachment style & what his is. A woman sensing her husband is changing his look for work knows more. A woman sensing her beau is not saying I love you to HIDE IT from a woman he’s spending loads of time with. Trust yourself. Then see how he responds. If a man won’t answer calls traveling when they aren’t DURING work, something COULD be occurring. If she’s been cheated on, she knows the intuitive signs.

[@jadeperlman3182]

I agree with Dr John about the last caller

[@andrewsmith3984]

It was Save Ferris who did the cover John

[@naznow]

Diana, what happened? I hope you got an honest answer and wherever you are now you’re happy.

[@Michelle_Ellen87]

Save Ferris!! The ska band that did the cover of Come on Eileen. I actually heard that version as a teenager before ever hearing the original. 🤦🏻‍♀️ (My mother listened to oldies not 80s so 🤷🏻‍♀️.)

[@Angie247Beers]

Come On Eileen, best song EVER!! Said 13 year old me, but still LOVE it in secret;)

[@plaidpaisley5918]

To me, Diana’s husband very is exhibiting very suspicious behavior. Sad you didn’t get this.

[@AshleyLebedev]

I want to tell the last caller who feels her beau maybe is cheating with coworker. I just want to say that in my relationship I feel so comfortable that I could ask that to my beau & he’d answer immediately and he’d hug and laugh and say of course not, and he wouldn’t get angry & it would be such a light thing that we could laugh about it if I was wrong. Contrastly, if he was and I’d ask he’d go … yes, let’s talk, nobody would be mean. Your partner is your PARTNER and wants to always find ways forward. You’re allowed to be worried & ask questions if you worry or don’t know.

[@Dwe245]

Sounds like you have an open and transparent partner. My partner is so vague when I have asked questions about phone numbers, women he is seen talking to, things that seem sketchy. He doesn’t answer questions directly, just vague questions in return about why I want to know. You’re blessed to have a wonderful loving gf honest partner.

[@laurahuber3826]

Diana said that she is higher up in the company than her fiance. Is his boss on her level? If she’s lower, she may be gunning for Diana’s job

[@ashleylacombe8935]

Save Ferris!! I think that was their name. Love that version

[@aelh123]

Oh man this one hit hard 😭😭😭

[@mamat1213]

1:10 yess the band is Save Ferris!!! And they weren’t a one hit wonder, I think they had 2 😂🤷🏽‍♀️

[@christysdeals4u]

This episode is so good.. wow..

[@soul1380]

Parents don't have a right to opt out. I STRONGLY disagree.

[@karinalemus2305]

Exactly! I don’t know why John said that! Totally unacceptable!

[@joeckelly88]

Save Ferris is the ska band and Reel Big Fish is an AMAZING band/concert to attend

[@LoneStarLady-]

It sounds like there’s a huge disconnect between what they want and what a need is. No one should need you to do the dishes, unless they are physically unable. They might like you to do the dishes or want your help with the dishes but that is not what a need is. Needs in relationship are for intimacy, and that does not mean sex or physical connection although that is a part of it. It is an emotional intimacy need. Respect, trust, affection and effective communication are also needs. Humans are wired for relationships and need connection with others. Such statements as “I need sex everyday” is really a want. Yes there is a need for sexual connection, but the details are are matter of communicating preference or wants.

[@Rosie1939]

An” hey babe, I’m at breakfast with everyone. Can I call you after”? I don’t agree w Dr. Delony on this one.

[@rebeccachambers419]

I grew up with parents like these two. I will say that I am glad my parents did not divorce. That would have been worse.

[@necoragha65]

The old Elvis?! Elvis was never old.😃

[@username9999]

I feel differently about "I love you" than most in the comments. I think it is an overused saying that loses value and doesn't need to be said in every conversation. I agree that something seemed weird about that fiance. But if someone needs to hear "I love you" in every conversation, that's a little much. Do you seriously question whether your partner loves you of they don't verbally declare it multiple times per day?

[@NaeK188]

It’s about being gracious towards another’s needs. You can think “I love yous” are overrated, but if someone you promised forever to expressed that it’s important for them to hear that more and makes them feel loved, would you hear that, and put in the effort? If someone can’t make that small change, what bigger things or more important needs will they deny? husband and wives should be able to express their needs, “I need to hear ‘I love you’ more”, “I need more physical intimacy during the week”, “I want you to hold my hand sometimes when we go for a walk” all of it should be heard and negotiated. There’s hardly anything I wouldn’t do for my partner, unless he requested something immoral like a threesome or participate in drugs etc… I draw a line there. But any other small need? Even if I find some of them unnecessary or silly or I don’t understand why they’re important to him, I’ll do it because I want to love him the way he needs to be loved. And I’m someone who needs to hear “I love you” every phone call, I was raised in a family who always affirmed our love for eachother that way. And that’s just a personal preference.

[@josalmon4742]

I loved my dad but he Never did anything with me or he never said he loved me. He was a good dad I tell myself, but I see here he wasn’t. He was strict. I liked talking to him and he was always happy but I wasn’t cherished, I guess.Hmmmm

[@peacelove7706]

Re to the 1st caller; YOU certainly SHOULD NOT say…..”I don’t think your marriage is over unless you want it to be”. You never even spoke to the woman…it takes BOTH parties…. YOU should NOT say things like this. It gives TOTALLY FALSE HOPE. I can say from hearing his side, she is not invested in that marriage anymore… no amount of counseling, or talking about needs can fix anything if one person no longer wants it, but are just too afraid, complacent or whatever , to leave.

[@lilystabile3594]

The Come On Eileen cover was by Save Ferris. I downloaded it from Napster and it took like 17 hours. 😂

[@MsNimGirl]

I will fight anyone and anything for my kids. Why have them if you don't feel that way?

[@denniswooden5034]

Our daughter is in same situation It’s so hard!

[@jeankipper6954]

Hopefully she can do that have the clear talk. But people can be very hard of hearing, and hear things that were not said. Plan for that too

[@kevinhook6000]

Dang second caller hit me right in the face,

[@MesheherKim]

To the first caller, it’s so sad for the kids and dad. Maybe he’s trying his best but as Dr. John said the kids come first. As an adult it’s your responsibility to put the kids first. I’m scared to have kids because I feel like I’ll be the same as the first dad. My husband is very loving and I know he will love them. I’m very selfish and enjoy myself just being by myself. The thought of giving up my autonomy scares me and makes me upset. I typically find being a parent so overbearing and all I see parents having to do, school, dinner, bath time etc just looks so horrendous. I would love my children and sure and so the best I can but I definitely feel I’d be resentful. Also I don’t like most adults. So after giving up my youth to raise children, what if I don’t even like them as ppl……so scary

[@veracityhunter7777]

I am like you casey, and at 42 I can tell you not having kids was the best decision I've ever made. My landlord and I co-adopted a puppy. I love her and she's great, but I can only do about a day with her at a time if even. Her incessant need for attention, supplies, resources, and stimulation really stresses me out. When this happens, I can just hand her back over to my landlord but a child? I couldn't do it. Often wonder if my mother was like us; but did not have the courage, resources, or words to express this so she just did what she thought the next right thing would be is to marry the wrong man and have a child right? She treated me like absolute garbage when I was a child, and left me in the hands of abusers. So needless to say I've had to deconstruct lots of years of cptsd and physical illness. That woman had no business being a mother. She was too broken. So I decided to go on ahead and make the right decision and chose nulliparity. I am at so much peace about it, because I could not have the guilt of messing up a child on my back. So you know what the right thing to do is.

[@kristinmoore4624]

I told my mother for years that I didn't want kids. I loved traveling and just doing my thing. Then I met my husband. We started a family, and 2 days after we got home with the first I told him I needed more lol we had 3 in three years. Being a mom has fulfilled me in ways I couldn't possibly have imagined. I'm not saying you need to have kids, but don't think you couldn't be a great mom if you did.

[@GemmaMR818]

Ya I know people throw this word around.. Definitely not enough information but he either straight up doesn’t like the job description or children in general. If he is good to her not to them. That is a huge indicator personality disorder be it NPD. He probably has mask on tight with his wife doing what a good husband does and treats the children like part time cleaning service. Ask me how I know? Wait until they begin reminding him of him.