Are You Struggling with Confidence & Self-Esteem? Do Gay People Struggle with it More? | S3 E7

[@jeffhampton2767]

I'm so sorry Keegan that you never met your dad that is so sad. But I want to tell you something my father was there the entire time growing up and it was almost like he was never there, because he drank alcohol and was only interested in himself and doing his own thing and spent almost no time at all with his kids. Thank God we had such an incredible amazing mother!

[@calvind2054]

I too grew up with an alcoholic father that was there, yet invisible. My therapist always thought I should talk about this more. But I never did because felt nothing from or for him. I saw him daily but always pretended he was just in my imagination and not real. As an adult, I had absolutely no emotional attachment and therefore felt nothing. When he died, I certainly didn’t miss anything. He’s gone, okay, fine. Next thing please.

[@davidwiseman7774]

Surviving alcoholic parents is always hard. I don't drink much and am uncomfortable around those who do. Unpredictability of behaviour is a big issue for me.

[@EnriquePascual1989]

I love “welcome to our corner of the internet.” better.

[@gregstewart6126]

Ok Joel, I’m with you! Years ago some acquaintances actually said to me “we’re a very tolerant family”….i quickly fired back “ I have no intention to be tolerated” And I believe in mantras and self talk. We all know the truth. It just needs a taller platform to be heard.

[@romaneros4583]

Right! You tolerate bad weather. I don't want to be tolerated. I want to be appreciated.

[@orielwiggins2225]

Appreciated, yes! ​@@romaneros4583

[@calvind2054]

I have an unapproachable face, called today a Resting Bitch Face, or RBF, so I’m told. Being told that many times as people find my friendliness surprising, I have been inclined to believe that. However, being somewhat aware of that apparent RBF without understanding in my adolescence, I think I used this “weapon”. Whatever it is, I recognized it in junior high and used it to keep bully’s away from me. I identified them, and gave them the look of don’t come over here. It seemingly worked for me through Jr High and Senior High. Coming to terms with my being gay, I found it important as a tool. The downside of that is I never had a friend that entire time of my life. Not a single one, and was very lonely. And because of my shyness, I felt I dodged a bullet. There was one boy in my neighborhood that would semi bully me. I’ve beaten up one boy before so people knew I wasn’t the afraid type. Turned out that boy, however, wanted my attention because he had a crush on me. So we became secret boyfriends for two years.

[@PokhrajRoy.]

I knew who I was from a very young age but self-esteem is only helped by a nurturing environment. There’s only that much hype and confidence I can drum up for myself. Also, my queer friends have been a pillar of support and such a delight.

[@dubon9999]

This is why it is important that we Gay men have our own spaces to talk about affairs that affect us and connect with other Gay men; in the same way that straight men and women have their own spaces, and straight men and women must respect Gay spaces and respect our differences 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️ Some straight women are really invasive, but at the end, all straight people must understand that we are different and respect Gay spaces and Gay men 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

[@AlithesisKrukonova-hk2ws]

Soo true😮

[@dubon9999]

@@AlithesisKrukonova-hk2ws Yeah 🏳️‍🌈

[@ashp5597]

A great episode guys, a very important topic. I’ve always struggled with my confidence and self-esteem. Being south Asian, visually impaired and gay there is a lot to deal with. When I came out to my family, I joined a South Asian LGBTQ group, run by, a local charity. I’ve made friends and built a bit of my confidence. It’s always a. Slow process but I’m getting there. 🌈 ❤️

[@scottchristman1035]

Hello, found your channel only a short time ago and I appreciate your work on discussing different issues of the gay community. I am nearly 40 and didn't come out until I was 32 to my friends online playing games. I still haven't come out to my family I grew up in the old fashioned Christian family, school, and church that constantly told everyone that being gay was evil and damning. I am still trying to get rid of that brainwashed mind set. I have tried therapy twice with no luck. Everyday can be a struggle, but I keep going.

[@ChouchooTranslations]

The part from 43:35 to 45:40 is so important, I needed to hear that! I've always wanted to join gay groups, but I never did. I thought that joining a group based on your own sexuality was foolish, yet I still longed for reaching out to others who are like me (I only have one gay friend.) After many years, I joined a gay sports club this January. I've been struggling with self-worth, and by seeing them and through listening to their stories after workouts, my sense of self-worth has been slowly increasing. That's why it's important to meet other gay people, like Joel said. Last Sunday, they held their annual sport event day, where various sports could be tried out during the day. I tried out a few including volleyball, and it was such a liberating feeling to be there. I didn't feel like an outlier, I didn't worry about "Did I hit this femininely?" or "Do my movements reflect that I'm gay?". I just had fun with others. =) So I agree with Keegan, actions are necessary first. This was a lovely episode, keep it up! ❤

[@mikiewifnoe360]

Growing up, I was disliked by many. I have always liked myself, always thinking I was worthy. I never cared what others thought of me. Now, my sister is straight, and she has no confidence or sense of self-worth.

[@romaneros4583]

I am a middle child. I was married for a long time to a woman who rarely, if ever, gave me compliments. Now that I am out in the gay community, i have a hard time believing compliments men give me.

[@davidlee1603]

Every person needs & deserves love!❤

[@romaneros4583]

@davidlee1603 Never realized how long I went without it until I met a man who truly loves me.

[@paulhilder1309]

Conversation made me the no self confidence or self esteem? Although I was successful in a career and to the outside had the “perfect “ life wife and kids, I was not accepting myself and hence had low self esteem that manifested partly as low self confidence in situations. When I accepted who I was vs what I used to say which was I am Bi I want it all etc and faced the fact I am gay and wanted to live authentically , l started to like me building self esteem and confidence followed. Was it hard to follow through yes but I truly believe if I had not I was still be in a spiral downward and unhappy. The hard stuff is worth going through😊

[@aidenalamo6262]

As a gay transman, which means I am attracted to men and I live as a man. I struggled with self confidence for a long time because it wasn't me that had a hard time with my sexuality. It was other people who assumed I was into women because of my trans status. So some people say "Ohhhhh, I thought you were into women." I would kindly say, "Nope. Into dudes." So, now its not been like that for a while, so I'm just waiting for the next encounter with an uneducated kind person or non kind person. I don't dwell on it, but i always prepare for it in the future.

[@Rob_Nem]

Great episode. I like hearing your open listening approach to how you present this. You have different perspectives but give each other the space to be heard on the same topics. The idea that a gay man is“less of a man” is an old and still pervasive notion. I think that as long as the gay community carry’s that notion, we will still have to fight the idea of being seen in that light. It takes time for social norms to shift and we might need to see some time pass before we see greater changes yet. Absolutely never dropping the ball on being informative and advocates for ourselves. We are getting somewhere, but there’s still some work to do and patience to bear unfortunately. Thanks much for making me think 😀🏳️‍🌈🇨🇦

[@davidlee1603]

We are all our worst judges. Every person deserves love!❤❤❤

[@richardorchard8554]

There is a process through our lives where we grow our ego, both in size and strength and resilience. At the later chapters, we need to adjust to the winding down of our lives, and the end. It’s definitely life cycle stuff. As a father I have built my boy to be skilled at the things he’s good at- technical mechanics and music. Also, that whatever he turns out as, sexually, vocationally- always be realised that he is loved and accepted without change for whatever he is (he’s raised by gay men), and that we want to be the first to know about anything and not people he can’t talk to. That works well. He is incredibly mature way beyond where I was when I was his age, interpersonally, and also knowing himself. At my stage in life I’m on the Zen path, where the self (quite strong and well developed) is now to be transcended. Now all the striving, the affirmation, the carving out a niche- that’s all stuff that seems alien to me now, although I still have to get several young men through stage one so they can follow me. I remember my Dad in his last days, absolutely relaxed and ready to leave the world. There was just letting go, just being, enjoying what he could of each day, and the people who were around. That’s absolute grace. I say this because it does change through life stages. At 35 death seems unthinkably tragic. At 55, it’s ok. At 87, bring it on. All the issues and worries we have young or coming out or having taken a heteronormative path and then needing to work a correction and come out later, work, conquering the corporate world, it all passes. Look at the end days in your 80s. Then, live each day like you know that’s there. A hard end to the chapter. Just as my Dad was in the bliss of “nothing matters, there is nothing to desire, everything is temporary, everything is good just the way it is”- what will you do now to live that? Live like nothing matters other than a meal and a nice place to live. Don’t be too extravagant in your desires. Love and be patient. Walk away from toxic people and situations. Do what is right- for you, for the world (especially in your life). Speak good words. Do good work. See the world. Love. Taste everything on the smorgasbord that life offers. Love to all you wonderful people.

[@Mahmah476]

I really appreciate the depth of discussion on your channel as well as the open-mindedness you exhibit. Very refreshing! Thank you, guys.

[@Kosh-Prime]

Hi guys, Another great episode. I love the 'pub chats' you guys do so honestly. I think you are right, as a 60+ year old gay, I have been on a journey through/with confidence and self-esteem issues. I grew up in the UK, my dad told me queers were bad and went to prison. He wasn't a bad person, but he believed what he knew from his own life. Fear can be a prison for us, we don't fit in, we aren't pretty enough, we screw everything up.. so we step away cover it up and play at being the best we can be. Truth is, we all struggle. Straight or queer... It's actually something that connects us all. To be happy and healthy, I think it's okay to just be honest and open (in safe spaces but also generally when you feel brave enough). In all my years, I have always struggled, but when I am honest about it, I meet a million others who struggle too and it feels good to let go of the expectations of being perfect and just focus on being the best gay man I can be with what I have. I guess, what I'm saying is; be kind to yourself. You are beautiful, rare, precious, fragile and unique... The world needs you, not because you are super strong, smart or attractive... But because broken people can accept others who are also struggling. We can be family, and that is our strength. Stay happy and awesome.

[@jeffhampton2767]

Are you both still in Florida because Florida has been getting some really nice warm sunny weather for many many days of just pure sunshine 🌞🌞

[@orielwiggins2225]

Big topic and wonderful episode. Definitely something that could have some spin off episodes delving into particular things surrounding both confidence and self worth. Glad you defined both. While Joel may not have grown up on a homophibic culture, I assume many listeners did which will definitely impact both self esteem and, often in turn, confidence. Team Joel and Keegan on the disagreement, since I think it definitely takes both action and retraining to make any substantial change to our hang ultra with confidence and self esteem. Thank you for highlighting that some things are deeper than just intellectual understanding can get at. And that therepy is a big important part of healing for a lot if those things, should we be able to access it.

[@davidlee1603]

Oh, "Team Joal!" Rocks!❤❤❤

[@daniellaplume3840]

I've always believed and truly felt that I Should be equal, but I haven't always felt what that should feel like. Now, I believe that I do, however, with so many silos now in the world and in media and social media, you can't take self acceptance with the acceptance of others for granted. I was internally homophobic because I grew up in a homophobic world

[@joemalick]

Great podcast. I totally agree with the confidence/self esteem comparison that Joel mentioned, I’ve felt the same way. Confidence can be easier to possess, but I believe a lack of self esteem hinders the practical application of that confidence in your life. I teach my daughter all the time that she has value and worth and never should settle in life. We all need champions in our lives to tell us those things, whether we are related to them or not! 🙌 Keep it up, you average white gays 🤣 you are making a difference! 🥰

[@joemalick]

Affirmations are not the end all, be all, but I definitely think they can reinforce the positive feelings that you’re trying to build, and also push down the negativity. Of course the associated actions need to be there, but I try to do affirmations regularly, because negative thoughts easily creep into my head, and I need to keep them out.

[@Lucky-Blake]

Great video, keep it up! 😊 This episode gave me a boost to keep going!

[@robs4574]

I love you guys! A small suggestion- Keegan can you get up on the mic more please? When I listen to the podcast in the car you are frequently much quieter than Joel

[@jayrey5390]

Simply; thank you x 🏳️‍🌈✊ (also, for me - team Keegan on this issue)

[@stevechubb5791]

I really enjoyed this podcast

[@jimtrue1465]

I don't think I've ever had a problem with confidence. I've always believed in my ability to accomplish what I set out to do (within reason, of course...at my height, I know I'll nver be a pro basketball player!). And unlike Joel, I have never once felt my homosexuality in any way would hinder my chances. But I do have self-esteem issues, fueled by my many failures and my aspergers. My Aspergers makes it near impossible to make friends, so I've been alone and lonely most of my life. Having friends and being happy are the things I found I cannot do.

[@SuperExtrovert]

Happy Anniversary Homo Frenz 🎉🫶🏾

[@jasthe3rd]

Hi guys, I'm an ally and love the podcast and all your channels. Just a suggestion, I think Keegan's mic needs to be boosted a bit (or the audio balanced/normalized). We can hear Joel very loud and clear, but sometimes i have to play with the volume when Keegan talks to hear what he's saying, and then turn it down when Joel starts talking.

[@richardorchard8554]

Also maybe keep it clear of his lovely face, out of the shot.

[@donaldskinner-reid8998]

Cognitive behaviour therapy works. As gay men, we do the work on ourselves.

[@robertgarry9551]

To be the fence sitter i am youre both right on the issue actions do need to be taken but having the positive mindset/affermations and also beliving them too ❤ Id leave a nasty comment on this video but thats not me so youll have to take this nice comment instead. Thank you for all you do for the gay community ❤

[@jeffhampton2767]

I wonder if there's any other gay men out there like myself that as I grow older I'm attracted to almost no men less than 1%, and I'm more attracted to heterosexual men than I am to gay men. I find almost no gay men hot. If I walked into a gay club or bar and if there were 500 people in there I would probably find maybe just one that I thought was hot. 😂

[@romaneros4583]

Are you attracted to masculinity?

[@orielwiggins2225]

Great question. I do think age and experiences can change what we are attracted to.

[@dubon9999]

Do not fall in love of straight people my dear Gay men, straight people usually heartbreak Gays 💔💔💔💔💔

[@rob-oe4wr]

I wish I had a friend like Kegan has. @ 41.16

[@jeffhampton2767]

They are not topless men they are shirtless men only women can be topless. When men don't have a shirt on they are shirtless, when a woman doesn't have a top on she is topless. 😂

[@Ameroff1982]

I basically watch sports to oggle at the hot jocks.

[@brianbrady3086]

I am allowed to disagree with you if you put out content. If you want YES people then you should not be a celebrity/influencer/etc. It is one thing to be verbally/emotionally/physically abusive/trolling. But just because I disagree with you doesn't mean I am a troll. The point of you guys having a podcast or doing vlogs is to discuss and show people things; sometimes people will disagree. There is a difference with saying "I will lose weight" and don't do stuff and saying "I am worthy".

[@Shyongmao]

❤🧡💛💚💙💜