Are You 'Too Nice' Or Are You Fawning?

www.heidipriebe.com

[@jaimiehorton9669]

The scary part about my fawning is how little self-awareness I have that I'm doing it. Later on I'll see the pattern clearly, but in the moment it's like I'm completely blind to what's happening. I liked that tip of ask yourself what you would do if the other person weren't there. When I first left my husband grocery shopping was so strange, I forgot what I liked entirely somehow and just wandered around lost. It came back to me pretty quickly though!

[@kimberlymulligan9654]

I sooooo relate!

[@locarla1044]

That is my experience also. Trauma fawned response kicks in before I can adjust....clear as mud in that moment!

[@MamaMailisha]

Yes!!! It's taking me sooooo long to learn how to pause when I'm in a moment when I feel myself doing this. But even when I have a little awareness in the moment (which I'm having more of now that I've been practicing it for a bit) I still struggle to STOP IT and switch gears. OMG

[@jolanacurrier2400]

Its because you have been put on spot and didn't have time to think about the answer. Write down all the situation you are commonly exposed to which leads you to Fawning and write the responses. Learn it by heart so next tine you are put on spot you already have an answer. Hope it helps.

[@_NeKoChAnP]

I can relate so much with you, it's amazing how difficult it's to notice the constant fawning we give 😢

[@ZoeMagnes]

It's just beginning to dawn on me that one of my weird compulsions is fawning. Recently I've been calling it the customer service voice. As soon as I perceive potential conflict, I automatically switch into a mode where I deal with the other person's emotions, while temporarily feeling numb to my own emotions. This video expresses the concepts so clearly, extremely eye-opening!

[@stonedoliveees]

Yeah hairdresser mode.😂

[@issamelissaaa]

Ugh same sis. Same.

[@hayleyb467]

​@@stonedoliveees😂

[@godsproperty2167]

I think considering the emotions of others and keeping a conflict from escalating is a part of being self aware. So striking the balance is key.

[@dilekkaplan6908]

Customer service voice 😂 wonderful said ❤

[@elmarwolters2751]

Agreed , friendliness and simple kindness are underrated . I am a friendly person and appreciate meeting friendly people . Being friendly ain't being a doormat .

[@legalfictionnaturalfact3969]

Yes. And it's also NOT a come on, which much of the male population does not understand.

[@racoonzattack]

2:44 - 3:25 This is so true about how children are being conditioned to ignore their needs in order to prioritize the needs of the adult instead of teaching the child how to express their feelings according to their age and other developmental factors.

[@sciencenotstigma9534]

It’s so important to teach children to express their feelings. My parents were the old school type, who expected kids to keep their mouths shut. Then they acted like I had done something wrong when I had been a victim of SA, and didn’t tell them (only censoring myself so YT doesn’t drop my comment). If kids aren’t taught it’s acceptable to express unpleasant emotions and experiences, why would they talk to you when something bad happens. It’s unacceptable…right? That’s one major problem with telling kids to be “seen and not heard.” Everyone, kids included, has a need to be heard, especially when they need help. I still know college kids who are afraid to ask questions in school, if they don’t understand or agree with something. That’s a sad state of affairs. How are people supposed to magically develop assertiveness skills and confidence just because we are adults now? What we learn at an early age sticks with us a long time!

[@BobSmith-kd4oc]

@@sciencenotstigma9534 I told my mother years later about my sa and her response was "well what about me?" I got up walked out of her house and I never spoke to her again

[@sciencenotstigma9534]

@@BobSmith-kd4oc Good for you! I’ve been there. You can’t deal with someone in such a selfish space, much less when they’re supposed to be your protector.

[@sciencenotstigma9534]

@@BobSmith-kd4oc I hope life is treating you much better now! By drawing that boundary, you invited in the possibility of being around people who deserve you. Even if I’m alone at times, it’s better than being around a hostile and/or selfish person. Hope and healing ❤️‍🩹 to you!

[@BobSmith-kd4oc]

@@sciencenotstigma9534 actually I prefer to be alone as much as possible not that I'm lonely but I prefer to be alone

[@illustrations.by.sheposco]

I had a conversation with my brother about this and we call it "being a recovering need-nothing"

[@godzillamanstreb524]

lol…..yes

[@dawnacoxon8849]

Fawning is an automatic nervous system response outside of our conscious choice. When fight or flight is not accessible the alternative is freeze or fawn. We can get stuck in a chronic fawn state when access to fight or flight was repeatedly denied (such as in childhood). There is nothing rude about being assertive and standing up for your boundaries. I just yesterday went into fawning when someone was violating a physical boundary and rubbing my back. I would have not been a jerk by stating what I wanted to but my nervous system would not let me which would have been stating “ excuse me I am not comfortable with you touching me”.

[@aubreyleonae4108]

I only recently heard of this. I was shockef to see that in my,own life. I'm 66, better late than never.

[@Sesso20]

Hey there - thanks for your insight and sorry this has happened to you. Could you resolve it later on? I know that I have both problems. I usually dont like physical contact but try to be open about it, by having learned to hug people; but when people hug for longer or they touch me on the shoulder etc.; I always feel unease too. On the opposite side of things.. I know that sometimes people really like a pat on the shoulder or what not, esp. close people and I have a hard time learning when to do that. To read the room right and to not be afraid to just have some superficial touch.

[@becool432]

YES. It changed my life to discover that my fawning was a trauma response. Love how nuanced & insightful your information on this topic was!!

[@MamaMailisha]

Same!

[@Alwayslearnimg]

Yeah I had no idea!!!

[@marshallbrown2072]

i was for most of my life a people pleaser. Late in life I realized that by being this way, Invited abuse. I came to see that there were many out there without a shred of empathy. I live now a mostly solitary life, but I am happier for it. I keep my boundaries strong and am much more discerning when it comes to who I spend time with and how long.

[@gretchenburton7184]

Am also solitary, older, and have lost so much.

[@Jay-pj5tg]

Im similar but Im trying to find a middle ground. Chose solitude for some time but it didnt have to be long term Theres a way to get that earnest connection back. Its worth it

[@ifyourepeatalieoftenenough8500]

You are right. It is sad that people take my kindness for weakness and stupidity. It feels like being kind invites assholes and disrespectful people. It think i am trying so hard to get along with people that i do not defend myself and set boundaries and accept others being rude and try to explain their behavior and even wonder if i provoked them or put them into a situation where they a put in pressure by other people but know what? I try to excuses for them and blame myself while i am simply dealing with populistic lying gaslighting assholes. And did not realise who they were and what they were doing because i did not want to see their bad and refused to confront them. I need to promise myself to speak up and tell them what is truly on my mind and bot caring being an asshole. Why care if they dont either. It is hard but seems to be necessary. Very sad. I hate human people.

[@marshallbrown2072]

@@ifyourepeatalieoftenenough8500 dont engage with assholes. Walk away. they want to provoke. Dont feed the trolls!

[@cieltheeditor7922]

This is incredibly spot on with my own life/experiences however I am still struggling with setting boundaries, though doing my best with the help of therapy and self-love. I wish you the best and so much happiness in your solitude. You are an inspiration to those who currently struggle in the same way or have.

[@gregoryritchie7852]

Have spent years fawning - and coming to realize it is not only not appreciated but I have been really taken advantage of. Time to set up boundaries!

[@beatsg]

I really recommend the episode on Boundaries on the We can fo hard things podcast.

[@prettyzen2]

yes or they can be confused as walls if not understood. That episode helped me understand healthy creation of them@@beatsg

[@WoozyYami]

Thank you for this video!! I've been struggling with this my whole life. I grew up always fawning and trying to make people happy because I was scared of being abandoned, and recently I kind of realized it so I went hard in the opposite direction. This has made people visibly uncomfortable, because, well, i've kind of been a jerk. This video right here is exactly what I needed to hear. You can still be a nice person and not fawn :)

[@panasonic_youth]

Ah yes this is a problem I've been dealing with for most my life. I constantly get told that I'm "too nice" and I need to stop letting people walk all over me. I agree that I let people get away with a bit too much because I'm very non-confrontational and I tend to keep the peace and avoid conflict at all costs. I am an ENFP and I also have C-PTSD (was just diagnosed last year), and I'm definitely familiar with what fawning is. I'm aware I do it and yet I'm always just too afraid to stand up for myself a lot of the time.

[@jamielynn28]

This is me also. It’s nice to know you’re not the only one ❤

[@singingstar8090]

I think putting it in context that conflict isn't always a bad thing. Your need matter and if you don't exert them sometimes, you will grow resentful, and the relationship is in more jeopardy than if you just assert your needs in a polite way. If you find yourself around a lot of people who are always inconsiderate of your needs, only take advantage of your need to give in, and don't really want to make you happy, think what that means for you. If you're capable maybe move away from that and towards others who encourage you to express your wants, and self actualize.

[@InTexas]

Yep that's me too

[@DJ5780]

Undiagnosed but same

[@TheMadVentriloquist]

Start taking cold showers, they will cut the fawn response at the core.

[@logicandlaughs]

I was confused about fawning for awhile. I definitely know that it's a defense mechanism that I have... so I started paying more attention to when friends and I were choosing food or locations. I have almost always been the, "I'll go where ever you all want to go" person. So, I was trying to figure out if this was a fawning reaction. I finally decided it wasn't fawning because I really didn't care. If they weren't there, I'd have a hard time choosing because I'm not a picky eater and my main goal was usually the social aspect of it less than the food... so I had no problem going with other people's choices. My fawning mechanisms usually kick in more in work situations and if someone is angry. Then my brain just goes on auto-pilot fawning and I usually hate myself afterwards. I still haven't been able to recognize and regulate in the moment yet. Working on it.

[@elsagrace3893]

Im so happy and grateful when I see you in this case or anyone else doing inner work and learning about themselves. Excellent job making the world a better place.

[@schlejer]

I'm wondering if it's not better in such a condition to go all out in the moment, radically, then rethink and then set up a middle ground. Fawning is troublesome but in the relationship there are both sides, not only me fawning - there is also that angry one who would probably not understand feelings unless confronted with a harsh response. However the downside of it is that when you'll use that strong response then afterwards the guilt could beat you to the ground. So it is important to remember that you have given all that you have at the moment even though it is imperfect. Besides it's worth considering that your strong response (objectively or for the other side) might not be that harsh at all. I mean, like for a fawning, delicate person. Besides it's just a dinner.

[@ImmortalExplorer]

Yeah mine is mainly in work situations. Like if ever there's a problem I'll pretty much llow myself to take the blame, every if it wants me.

[@TenguDrew]

I always say, there is no such thing as being too nice, only other people taking advantage of a person's niceness. Need to surround yourself with people who appreciate your kindness.

[@saszablaze1]

There is also "flop" as part of the four f's creating the 5fs; and this was a really great video as always; I love how you convey things so clearly and fluidly... another example of Fawning would be over explaining oneself

[@LightHouse_222]

❤

[@Katyayanibetha]

I've never heard fawning explained as well before as in this video. Thank you.

[@sciencenotstigma9534]

Me neither! I always thought it was like flirting, because I have heard the term used differently, in that context. This makes much more sense, without the demeaning connotation.

[@annmalone8208]

I at times want caretaking. I recognize I had little care growing up and I want people to show that they care. Now with that being said I notice that for the last few years I have been finding out what my needs are and working on fulfilling them. I feel as if I am slowly pulling away from caretaking behavior. I also am a people pleaser and just received a book on this subject. I am learning to pause or "sleep on things" before I give an answer. I have also learned to go back as early as I can and let a person know to whom I overcommitted that I actually can't do xyz. I am learning to gently disappoint people so that I do not disappoint myself. The more I check inward the more secure I feel about my responses.

[@shanpurble]

I líke the term you use of gently dissapointing others. Definitely something for me to work on.

[@Doomthepixarkid]

For so many years I kept silent about my desires. So once I gained some independence in my 20s I swung to being inconsiderate. I’ve realized now that it hasn’t brought me the results that I had hoped.

[@terrycraig6386]

@Doomthepixarkid: sometimes you're screwed either way it seems.😊😊😊

[@graveallure]

That's all fine and good if you attract people in your life willing to work with you and not walk away when they don't get what they think they want or they don't essentially care about your feelings

[@sciencenotstigma9534]

Let those other people walk away. Unless, of course, you are dependent on them for your very survival. If you can possibly do for yourself, they can keep it moving! ❤

[@clarkl4177]

😢ugh... once again I am CAUGHT! YEP. The whole "getting along is IMPERATIVE (which means NO conflict whatsoever 😮)" has pretty much been my MO. Sigh. Thanks for shining the light of truth on what Kindness vs Niceness looks like ❤

[@johanneshalberstadt3663]

So, I would say that fawning, like fighting, is a response that is reserved to social stressors, where no escape or distance is possible, while flight and freeze can be responses to environmental, non-social threats aswell.

[@desertcrab6331]

How am I this old and just learning about CPTSD? My goodness, this changes everything. A lifetime of struggles explained so simply; now comes the hard part. It will be one thing to overcome this to create a healthy balance in my life, it will be quite another to not feel guilty about actually doing something for myself. This is devastating to me. It's not the things done to me, it is a lifetime of lost potential and not knowing why. I am having a hard time with that and wonder just who I really am. I'd like to meet him, he has been hiding all his life. I guess I have been waiting for someone to tell me it is safe to come out of my hiding closet, he is gone forever and is no longer a threat. Thank you Heidi for painting a very practical picture we can all see clearly. Let me tell you, it is on! I just needed to know, I cannot address what I do not understand. Time to take my life back, this is NOT over!

[@jamielynn28]

Chronic fawner here, I just thought I was being submissive and agreeable. But it does certainly bottle up. I’m sure my body diffuses some of that energy but occasionally I do swing the pendulum!

[@MamaMailisha]

I just discovered you and I'm blown away by all of this!💥I had never heard of Pete Walker or a "Fawn Response" or CPTSD until I stumbled onto a video of yours yesterday and now I'm having all of these "ah-ha" realizations. And I can't get enough of your videos!! I am such a FAWNER and I had no idea. I've never thought that I was "too nice" exactly, because I sort of sensed that it wasn't about being "nice" (and I agree that MORE kindness is needed in our lives, not less), but more about people pleasing and having shitty boundaries. I wish I would've figured this shit out before I had my daughters because I've been accidentally modeling this behavior for them now, too!😫

[@trusthigherself]

This is such powerful stuff! I know it can be painful to realise we've been modeling trauma related behavior for our kids, but I've found that it's really healthy and healing for kids to have their parents openly talk about their less than healthy behaviors and be openly working to improve them. Like, I think my step daughter may have actually benefited more from me being like that than of i had just been 100% healthy, because she got to see that it's normal to look at our own behavior and how it impacts others, and makes efforts to change. Like, a simple example would be a time I got very impatient with her, then I stopped and just said to her, "Oh gosh! I'm sorry. I may be impatient, but it's not ok that I spoke to you that way. I love you and I want to be gentle with you. I think what I need is just a few minutes of quiet time to calm down so that I can be nicer again. Would you be ok with playing for 5 minutes by yourself while I make myself a cup of tea?" And also say, "I understand if you're feeling upset or angry at me. That's ok and it makes sense to be unhappy when somebody speaks to us in a way that feels bad." (and offer her a hug if she wants, and maybe ask her if she wants to tell me how she's feeling) Sorry for the long comment but I felt compassion reading your comment and hope you aren't being hard on yourself for being certain ways when you didn't know different options 💖

[@cliftut]

Seeing you realize you are making mistakes, course correct, and apply effort and determination to heal for the sake of yourself and everyone is an incredibly valuable thing to model. They are going to have wounds and scars, maybe tiny ones, maybe bigger ones, but we all have them. But not all of us get the chance to see our caregivers recognize their scars and make hard efforts because they love us. Life is a learning pathway. Hugs and best wishes!

[@LadyLuck8_4]

I struggle so much with this response. Freeze is a problem too.

[@gravitalis]

Great video. Thanks for addressing this. Many people consider fawning behavior to be "compromise" and many people think "compromise" is the "key " to a good relationship, but I disagree, because compromise equates to sacrifice. The key is in synergy; considering people's wants and needs and finding creative solutions to meet both. I don't believe anybody needs to sacrifice anything they want, especially not what they need. Having a synergistic attitude has improved my relationships tremendously!!!

[@elsagrace3893]

But ugh, when a person has no idea what their own needs are no one else can know either. That is their personal work and can only be done be them. I see people who don’t have a clue as to their own essential needs adopting a power, control, manipulation dynamic with the world in which the simply try to “win” as much material goods, services, power over others as a substitute for figuring out and fulfilling their own CORE ESSENTIAL needs.

[@Egalitarian917]

I don't like how people see compromise as sacrifice. Sometimes we do have to give things up to get what we want, but it needs to be in balance and with respect, and not based on something like unhealthy power dynamics

[@jenniferg6818]

Denying our intuition is the guillotine. Always trust your gut.

[@jessicasandifer8187]

I had always been told I was too nice and that my biggest flaw was that I was a people pleaser but I didn’t know how to be a different way or why it was so hard to change. When I learned that fawning is a trauma response it made so much sense and took the pressure of me feeling like there is something wrong with me. It gives a whole new perspective and realization about why I do it and that it’s possible to change by healing and doing the work on yourself. Thank you for sharing this information!

[@ewolffe8355]

I'm trying to think before fawning - what am I frightened of, that I am defending myself by burying my needs? That the person wont like it - that's fine, they dont have to like everything about me. That the relationship will break down - it wasnt right in the first place if they respect my needs so little. It's highly unlikely that there is a physical danger to stating your needs (although if there is then escape quick), even if someone is angry about it. They can be angry, that is their emotion to deal with. Once they calm, then there can be a discussion. I'm also working on only saying sorry when I have genuinely messed up, rather than just to placate the other person. But it is hard after a life of doing it.

[@Datb2]

Wow same. Unnecessarily Apologizing is honestly the worse

[@hayleyb467]

​@@Datb2physical violence is worse than overly apologizing

[@trusound170]

I fawn or freeze. Like.. it's my friggin hobby I think... Working on it.

[@crystalsmith9038]

Me too I’m super talented as well

[@sciencenotstigma9534]

You are talented, actually, because you learned these strategies to survive in a hostile environment (sometimes it’s an abusive individual, sometimes it’s the whole school/work/social environment). We can honor. and give ourselves credit, for our survival strategies while sorting out when it’s still helpful, vs. when we can be more assertive. For example, if someone kidnaps me and throws me in their car…great time to use those fawning skills! In a largely healthy relationship, or at work…not so much. You’re right where you are supposed to be, in your personal development. ❤

[@SS-in1ts]

😂

[@edwardgreacen1833]

My mother was a psychopathic narcissist. She taught us the fawn response and demanded it whenever she made a "request" of us. She wasn't satisfied with obedience; she wanted the reassurance of obedience PLUS mutual agreement. I think my brothers and I were pretty much aware of this two-fold demand. And we kind of acknowledged her conditions, while being aware we were not being asked our preference. I think the three brothers were aware of compliance, but because of the strength of each others' role in the family - golden child, scapegoat, and lost child - which roles we had NOT figured out at the time, we complied with the whole fawning response routine. My oldest brother, as a feature of his role as the Golden Child, was also required to stand by her when a REQUEST was made, and to strike out at my scapegoat brother or me who might be independent enough to question such a request.

[@cliftut]

So sorry you all had to suffer through that. It warms my heart that at least you've reached a certain amount of clarity, enough that you can share a bit which might help others. Best wishes towards total health, if we can dare to dream so boldly. :)

[@cici2562]

I want to thank you so much for bringing up that while we’re responsible for our own emotions, that doesn’t give us the right to block, “call out,” ignore or shun another person, especially a so-called friend! So many people just decide someone’s all bad and overuse that block button, overuse the term “psychic vampire” and just discard a relationship like trash. Communication seems to be becoming a lost art and that is very sad. Personally, when I tell someone they’ve hurt me and why or that at the very least, I FEEL hurt as a result of their actions, I often get the response, “That is on YOU.” And, “You are responsible for your own happiness and self-worth.” Which, to an extent, I agree. But say everyone dismissed and rejected a highly confident person. I feel like the constant negativity of others would eventually chip away at that person’s self-esteem. So I don’t like this new way of thinking that we are in no way responsible for other people’s feelings. I find it selfish and rude and I really appreciate your calling that out in this video. Do you have a video on this topic specifically? Thanks for your content, I’m really learning from your videos!

[@SamplersAndThings]

We co-create the relationship so it’s not all on the individual to own it all the time.

[@Grace-jb7me]

Yes! This all the way!!! This has been on my mind for years. My family has been calling me really negative lately after being devastated by friends who constantly were inconsiderate to me and left me feeling super gaslit about the whole situation. I eventually parted ways with many of them because I knew in my heart we probably couldnt reconcile the situation without me being considered clingy or them having resentment for expressing my needs. Relationships are a two way street and feeling like you're walking on eggshells is never a good sign.

[@Wmom18]

It is so challenging to break this response. Often, I don’t recognize that I am doing it until I look back later. Thank you for sharing you kindness, compassion, and wisdom. ❤❤❤

[@roberttruman8444]

Having grown up with undiagnosed ADHD and a pretty narcissistic mother, the need to always do right by people was a constant cause of added stress and anxiety, while being so far out of touch with myself lead to years of indecisiveness and self neglect. It took a long time to get to the point where I could confidently assert myself, say no, or even just remember to check in with myself. The ADHD memory meant that so often I'd agree to do a favour for someone that cost me time or money or just more stress, and it wouldn't be until hours or maybe days later when I'd get blindsided with the thought that I could have just said 'no'. Doh! One tip for getting out of the people pleasing and being more assertive is to replace the word "can't" with "won't". Trust me it makes a massive difference.

[@clarkl4177]

😮 Yikes! Using "won't" puts the responsibility back on ME--WAYYYY too transparent to say. "Can't" sounds much more like, "oh, sorry, it's out if MY CONTROL or I WOULD 😊(" There! Look how NICE I am")

[@roberttruman8444]

@@clarkl4177 Obviously sometimes "can't" is the correct word to use. I find that when you use the word "can't" instead of "won't" I often inadvertently invite the other person to try to find some solution or way around it. Put simply, it backfires quite often.

[@andieheim]

Ah!! This is such helpful information!! I've historically thought I was "to nice" and need to be "more of an ass hole" because I was always doing what others wanted instead of what I wanted. But something always didn't seem to add up, how can being less nice to people help anyone? Now I see the difference between niceness and fawning. Thank you.

[@kimberly9207]

Needed this - I had no idea about fawning

[@CynthiaMoon23]

Thank you for this video. I agree 1000%. I'd add that that there seems to be this idea that either everyone has to be friends or you hate each other and are enemies. There's a middle ground known as peaceable coexistence. Not everyone is going to like you, but you CAN exist in the same space or even work together and not be at war.

[@melaleuca1881]

What's also wild is that for years I would constantly almost push and ask people what they wanted ask them to tell me, especially in relationships only to realize years later that I wasn't clearly asking for what I wanted in multiple romantic relationships and friendships, either. And I still struggle to ask for what I want directly. I struggle to acknowledge my own agency and responsibility. It's devastating, really, to be so far back inside your own head and closed off from your own wants and needs. It's wild how I expected people to do things I didn't really know how to do myself. I just pretended.

[@sawdustadikt979]

Recently learning there was a word for this has been so helpful. The amount of shame and self gaslighting I’ve done around this has been immense. I go into a fawn response when someone asks for anything. I had to start treating the word “help” as a four letter word. That was my first boundary to stop doing this. Another was learning that I’m aloud to change my mind, and I don’t have to explain myself. I grew up super poor in a narcissistic family system. It explains how I got here, but trying to heal and be better has been a life pursuit. I’m a self employed carpenter, I’ve been basically working for free for a couple decades because of this and have no real sense of my self worth. Most of my life I have been punished for asking or stating my needs because I managed to surround myself with all manner of narcs apparently from being groomed by them from birth. As I continue to learn I also realize that I fawn in their presence in general if I’m not keeping up on my grounding and meditation. If I fawn I spend so much time ruminating on, why did I say that, why did I agree to such a thing, why on earth would I offer to do such a thing? What the f is wrong with me?

[@godsproperty2167]

I thought I was the only one realizing that by 2025 we'll all have no friends ...because everyone else is toxic or narcissistic.

[@etcwhatever]

Forgiveness is scarce these days...no friends and no spouses...

[@a.katherinesuetterlin3028]

Y'know, I personally feel the following is happening: While the masks are coming off the actual narcs in the world, and we're kinda having that knee-jerk reaction and possibly feeling a tad hypervigilant about those in our inner circle -- even if they're not really narcs -- many people are still good, at their core. I simply think and feel that it's time to open our eyes and learn to discern that which is emotionally damaging on either side of the spectrum -- ranging from the fawning to the "emotional libertarian" approach. And because society at large still teaches that being emotionally intelligent and self-aware is somehow "weak," people from all walks of life are spinning their wheels. I have a particular spiritual path I'm on that has shown me what's really going on, but I have to be choosy about my words, because not everyone is ready to know what I know. Suffice to say that a bulk of my understanding of my own path away from narcissistic abuse has been done on my own, with certain non-physical Allies in Spirit.

[@belogical3961]

We all have the susceptibility of what the secular world calls dark personality traits. We are all human, we are all asked to be treating each other like we would want to be treated. That would require humility and honesty. And that's how you dissolve all the dark personality traits. Simple, but not simply done.

[@nomadman5288]

They're not, they're just very popular buzz terms right now.

[@IoanaElias]

True story 😂

[@cathyospinaaa]

Therapist mentioned codependency like the codependency no more book type. Due to mental illness in a parent. But this makes sense too. I feel it was enlightening as well and provided reassurance on actions steps for both. Extremes and how not to fall into them.

[@leapsill1969]

The problem is that a lot us “women” were never taught to set boundaries. I have finally learned to set boundaries.

[@aoblues145]

All the Enneagram 9 should be watching this video on loop!

[@thestraycat69]

Which is why I don't like dating, I fawn a lot over the person I like, then they claim I get clingy as I have grown older I've learned to be aware of this, though maybe I shouldn't, while I've thought about it a lot I swear I'm in the middle of all energy. Which makes it so I don't need an opposite energy.

[@elizabethl3392]

OMG!!! The dinner conversation is exactly what I go through when we are trying to go out as a family. My son has a strong fawning response and I feel awful about it. Thank you for explaining this and for approaches to address it.

[@Inspiriments888]

It fauned on me as I was watching that it was this particular perspective/description that I was searching for in differentiating between "PP & C-D". Huge reconciliation! Thank you for shining bright!

[@sciencenotstigma9534]

What do the initials stand for? Sorry…not familiar.

[@Tam712]

This is so insightful. I've definitely fawned. I've also been told I'm "too nice" because I refused to be rude and demanding.

[@sarahweilermusic]

Another super clear and helpful video. Thanks, Heidi. Love the way you've explained the middle ground and that it's human and respectful to ask people what they need.

[@Finnatese]

It drives me crazy, those people that say “I’m sick of being nice” and “if you’re upset that’s your problem, you are responsible for your own emtotions”. My little brother does this! I lent him my collection of art books while I lived overseas. He asked for them. When I returned he had left them out in the street to give away, just 2 weeks before my return! I was so annoyed and his response was “if you’re upset that’s your problem, you’re responsible for how you feel so I can’t help you”. Then years later he visits me and loves my book collection and asks to borrow a bunch of books, I got triggered and just exploded at him over those books. I still haven’t let it go….

[@a.k.3110]

Very helpful. Its so new that the don't care about what you want i need my ... And i will have it. Is one extreme on a spectrum. I fawn a lot. I fawn, resentment is growing, then i flip and i get me what i need. Usually i hide this too. So my needs are protected from being seen and taken advantage of. I try to learn feeling and saying my no. Guess what. I feel that threatened and overwhelmed that i forget to check in with the other person's needs. But only when the relaitionship is one where i don't feel safe. When i feel threadened by the past boundary crossings that come up because the conflict never got not endet. What's pretty difficult with a fawn response. Plus I go numb at some point, i shift from fawning into disoziating freeze into functional freeze with some fawn response so... It's a learning and healing process to get connected to my needs at all. My needs made me feel as demanding to much as a kid what brought me in danger so. It have been necessary to fawn to stay connected with my caregivers and it have been so long where i had to suppress my needs that i started to dissociate to not always feel the pain that intense and to stay functioning.

[@sciencenotstigma9534]

As a person with disabilities, I can relate to this! I’m not sure what your situation is, but it sounds like you’re doing the best you can. When you’re threatened by people you depend on for your survival, it’s a normal response. If they can be replaced by someone more responsive to your needs, then it’s a good time to resist learned helplessness. If you don’t need someone who treats you poorly and can end that relationship safely, it’s not healthy to stay and fawn and dissociate. There are situations where it’s a bit more complicated, however. ❤

[@GeminiPlatypus]

Ugh.... I blocked a guy I was really like tonight because I told him I wasn't into his kink, and I was too scared to wait and see his response in case it was an angry, abusive response. I think as a woman in this world we get so used to being yelled at and walked all over that eventually you just start to sabotage yourself by not letting anyone into your world.

[@STAY5161]

This one is relatable. Honestly, the right people make you feel comfortable and safe.

[@alessandrocwilliam]

Once again you have proven to give us exceptionally good advice. I think this is one of the problems we ENFPs have the most, we want so much to make others feel good that we consciously or unconsciously harm ourselves. It happened to me many times that I spent more time helping others than helping myself, in a way that was not very sustainable for me. The best thing to do is to realize this as soon as possible and also start realizing that things have to be balanced. The advice you have given is excellent and it is perfectly possible to say "No" without being an ungrateful or unpleasant person.

[@adinashaina9977]

sustainability - key point

[@IndigoFire9]

I have just realized I do this all the time. Inhave no idea what I want… I am also learning about the C-PTSD and Trauma I have (as a Fearful-Avoidant)… OMG… This is very hard to realize. I am currently looking for a therapist… I do need help. Even though its causing a very negative and gross feeling inside… Thank you Heidi, you videos finally made me hear this… in a way that it has finally promoted something inside of me to get help and go deeper…🙏🏼🌷

[@me6796]

Please can you do more of these social skill/self awareness videos there amazing and have helped me so much ❤️ ♥️ 💖 💜

[@fishstyx5028]

I'm a frequent fawner, as a 21M, it's been difficult to navigate but I appreciate this video for shedding light on the behavior. I was in a relationship a few years ago with someone who would get angry with me, & it was a cyclical routine of apologies and growing resentment. 1:1 with the description in this video. Since then I've organically set much more of my own boundaries, it has helped a lot, but I'll still put my head down in moments of weakness sometimes. it's a work in progress! Good content!

[@jenniferg6818]

you're miles ahead of most 21M.

[@KimberleyJP]

Each day I get more signs that my calling is to leverage off my pain and healing, follow my calling (despite at age 44 having no uni qualifications, but a lifetime of reading and selfwork) to follow your lead and do this work, maybe start my own channel to spread the good work. You are been the single most influential and helpful resource to date and I want more than anything to help people the way you have helped and inspired me.

[@sciencenotstigma9534]

It took me a lifetime of experience, reading, and working on myself and, at 42, I now have one more year of uni before I have a psychology and neurobiology degree! I already have a Chemical Dependency certification, and am doing patient advocacy in mental health and addiction treatment systems! I love it! Personally, it’s something I’ve been through before. Therefore, I really understand that individuals have specific needs and treatment styles they respond to. I’m sure your reading and experience has left you with insight into something, or things, you are passionate about. I told my counselor, “If I go to university at 41, I’ll be 45 when I finish.” She asked, “How old will you be in 4 years, if you don’t go to school?” That is the wisest, most helpful advice I have ever received! It took me a year to get funds and get accepted, but I have a career now. Keep your resolve…you can do it! Whether you will need further education or not to fulfill your dreams, don’t let anything stop you. We do learn a tremendous amount by living. ❤

[@KimberleyJP]

@@sciencenotstigma9534Amazing! Thanks for much for responding. I totally agree with you. Funnily enough your reply reads like I could have written it to someone is this situation... hahaha ENFP? 😆 After realising the 30 + hours a week I spend on my self education, is a workload similar to 2 uni papers a semester, I've decided to sit in ny knowledge and understand that instead of doing a BA in Pysch, with a bunch of mandatory papers, I've done in incredibly intense deep dive of specialist study into areas that mean, I most likely have a broader and more specific understanding of my special interest areas. Making me an SME whether or not I have a degree, plus lived experience. So I'm going to claim that and work with what I've got, which is an awful lot. I'm going to do the Gabor Mate Compassionate Enquiry self study course and build my skills selectively and strategically ❤️ All the best of your degree and your new career! Reach for the stars 🌟 then shake them a little 😄 and a little sprinkle star dust on the world 🌎 ✨️ 🎶 ♥️

[@lifetimeactor6789]

I run into this with my friend sometimes. Thanks for helping me to make sense of my life. Keep on bridging the gap, sister!

[@SeeCSeesCC]

❤ I have learned you can’t fix potential and I stand on that

[@lauraschleifer4721]

OMG, hahaha, that comment about the North American school system is the BEST!!!! We need more of the type of commentary that ties these types of pathologies to bigger systems and structures and societal forces, these days!

[@Leonardqh5kp]

I’ve just turned 39 and figuring this stuff out - thanks Heidi! I’ve got some topics to discuss with my therapist

[@aubreyleonae4108]

66 here, better late than never. 😊

[@jaimierose2985]

I realize these days I fawn. This was a good video. I gotta be better about being in the middle ground and considering my wants and needs, as well as others. I still catch myself fawning too much, and it does show in resentments.

[@vestlen]

I'm 33 and just learning about this. Raised by a somewhat authoritarian mother. Thank you Heidi, this and your other videos have been incredibly enlightening.

[@tegzfg4084]

I appreciate you demonstarating the healthy way of doing things. It can be incredibly confusing sometimes. I don’t know why it’s so hard to know what the right thing is 😂

[@L6FT]

I was taken in by the "new age" notion of "be open" go with the flow, and realising after a broken relationship that I've had an avoidant style and have always felt bad stating what I need and want, without feeling guilty. This leads to frustrations with other people for taking advantage of me or not reading me properly. Now I'm practising being more direkt and state if things bother me. I've been afraid throughout the past because the other person might cut me off or shut me down, but getting to know my own power that I have leverage by just staying away or not giving as much, I'm getting better at stating what I want and need. The fear still kicks in, but the anger which is actually a form of self love for my own boundaries feels stronger, so I'm getting better at calling out bad behaviours in a direkt and concise way, with as little shaming as possible. This is how I feel and it is my responsibility to address it, now take it or leave it, but it is the way it is.

[@annalynn9325]

... it if you weren’t here i’d probably eat Indian food” I’m going to be using that line 😂

[@misswomble]

Me too

[@sciencenotstigma9534]

Me three!

[@KimberleyJP]

Omg Heidi it feels like every one of your recent videos has been Taylor made for what I'm going through real time! Do you have a fly on my wall?! Please know your process and work is having immediate real life impact on my situation and (sadly) self guided work and giving me insight and guidance I can find no other place! Thanking you and most grateful for your wisdom and authenticity every day.

[@n.mcl.1590]

Thank you for providing a clear and useful roadmap out of the fawning response.

[@ashleydaniels2717]

This is everything. Thank you ❤

[@imadreamerr]

I am first hearing about fawning from your video. And I do it so often that it's painful emotionally. I realized my people pleasing/codependent nature perhaps a year ago. But I just discovered your channel and am already picking up new insights to myself. I appreciate the steps you provided. I'm gonna try my best to ask myself how I would act if I were alone before responding. I especially have a knee jerk reaction to say sorry hopefully I can apply these themes to that tendency.

[@ronninikaarlowe7674]

wow, i really needed this this week more than ever. i never knew the terminology for this patterning, so thank you for clearing that up and distinguishing it so thoroughly! never heard of fawning and it's nice to now know how to navigate the highest possible harmony for all my relationships. i also really appreciate you providing actual actionable steps and 'how-to's, if you will, in order to put your education on these topics into practice within our lives. hope you're having a very pleasant day!

[@purplemonsoon8376]

I just found your channel and I think you’re awesome! Thank you for your content. ❤

[@westcoastswingmusic]

We appreciate you creating this insightful, helpful, compassionate content, Heidi.

[@fmoraiti9294]

You are doing an incredible job! Thank you so much!!

[@Sesso20]

Thank you Heidi - this has been long on my list and I have been learning to stay focused while fawning and interrupt that pattern. What I have learned is; that due to all the fawning, many people assumed (or were conditioned by me lol) that I am more of a listener. And when I am now voicing my opinions and so on, I realize that people interrupt me pretty often. Its still triggering to me, because of emotional neglect as a kid; I always feel the pain that my opinion doesnt matter. I still need to learn to be more assertive in those moments and at least say sth. along the lines of "hey..please let me finish my thoughts on that matter; I dont feel respected when you interrupt me all the time"

[@seanmitchell100]

How do I become this emotionally mature and accountable?? I'm 44 and seemingly clueless. I lack the ability to become this self-aware, let alone communicate it to the other individual.

[@sarahosler1888]

You explained this so well, thank you!

[@Medietos]

Practising staying in my own body and be open to feeling what I need and want and calmly, considerately express it, rather than abandoning myself in co-dependent over-care, uncertain whether my need/wish is reasonable or not, and wanting to be nice to ensure the continuation of the contact, by catering for their needs. I also tend to treat men as though they were (women) like myself: Very attentive to the other's need, especially if I he did sth for me.

[@aubreyleonae4108]

Thanks for your perspective. I agree.

[@deborahwillig3308]

Super helpful for reconditioning. Also helpful to put my finger on a colleague's "emotional libertarianism" behavior. Thank you.

[@jamie.miller.inspiring]

Thank you so much for articulating these topics in an incredible way, i have definitely fallen into every spectrum. Lately i had finally found my voice but come to realise that I was becoming exactly who I didnt want to become which is like the people who have caused me so much trauma in the past which i wouldn't wish upon anyone 💖🙏

[@peterpan9780]

Thanks for the clarification! I am a fawner, burned in me for surviving, and have trouble now that I am out of this situation. I couldn't quite pinpoint my problem tho for a while. Your video helped in giving me proper words and contextualising what I do more

[@paradoxinmotion]

Thank you you've helped me lately watching many of your videos

[@luisaboos2752]

Thank you this is soooo true never had the words to describe it 👍👍

[@shortforruthless]

You actually made me wonder about something I was asked to do two days ago, and question myself if I was fawning to please someone I like and I'm getting to know now, or if it was genuine. I've had a fawning response in the past, based upon a childhood issue, and very, very recently just got taken for granted to a scale that costed me my whole social group for saying "no, this is not fair to me" for maybe the first time with those people. As you can imagine, I'm a bit wary about going into the same patterning again. But, to be honest, what this person asked me to do is actually something I enjoy doing, I'm flattered to be asked to take part into something this important (I'm just entering their social group), and I do enjoy contributing to things. So I think not fawning this time!

[@vidheyaprem]

Just love your videos and the depth you have in them ❤

[@amberv4223]

You explain these concepts sooo well! I love your channel.

[@AliciaNicoleJackson]

Beautiful and insightful video about balance! You truly bring out the simplicity in a matter that many of us (especially myself) have made some complicated!

[@brickellvoss7739]

I have never been a fawner. I'm more of a flight or fighter. I really like the way you explain things and I will be sharing this video with a friend who may find it helpful (highly doubt they will watch though but I can try). This just sounds like a great video that could go into a compilation on how to help an anxious person learn confidence with social skills!

[@cloudsurfer73]

Damn. I do this. Your videos are really helping me to be aware of a lot more my thought patterns and behaviours. It's so crazy that there's a name for everything.

[@kyrareneeLOA]

This video is so good!!! 🙌🏵 A video to watch two or more times.

[@GothicCitrus]

Very informative and concise! Thank you!

[@KumaBones]

Yo I love your content. Very much appreciate these videos!

[@cute.core.]

Such great explanations in your videos with clear examples, compassion and practical tips. Thank you 😊

[@marilynwarbis7224]

What an enlightening video. Thank you.

[@ryanbarker3978]

Heidi, I absolutely love everything about this message. THANK YOU!

[@adamtaylor5761]

I'm am so happy I came across your content and Channel. I've recently starting seeking therapy and rediscovering myself after alot of mental heath issues in my past. I'm a Classic Anxious Attachment person and this video is clicking with me so much about my Fawning style within my family and within my life. Without Self-awareness of my fawning responses I've been a push over, a huge Jerk to people a care about and unable to be authentically myself and communicate my wants and needs as an individual. I love your videos so much! Thank you

[@debbielee8578]

I didn't know!?! Learned from Dr. Gaber Mate, being nice all the time is a trauma response, but to explain it's fawning took my understanding to a whole new level. Also, you explained my responsibility in understanding and communicating my needs and wants. Wow, I needed that! Thanks Heidi😊

[@phillfraggy]

I was just recently in a situation where after it was over I could look back in hindsight trying to find where it went wrong and I got to a point of understanding where I told myself I know i wasn't being too nice but I was being nice in an inappropriate way and now I know there's a word for it. Thanks for that

[@ladybug9708]

I recently discovered this channel. Heidi you are such a great teacher. Your insights are helping me understand myself and my loved ones and the world around me. I’m in the recovery process from abuse in childhood and in my adult life. I still have triggers but I’m learning how to get through them better and heal the root cause. This video was PERFECT for me. Thanks for so generously sharing your wisdom and knowledge with the world. This knowledge needs to be common so that we can live in a much more peaceful and harmonious world!

[@ReillyMerema333]

I really needed to hear this. It's very relevant to a situation with a person in my life right now.

[@arli6118]

This was extremely difficult for me to watch because I have been fawning all my life. I am truly thankful for the way you are helping me despite it being painful to go on this journey 😢

[@krakkag]

Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge. It's very helpful