Are Fearful-Avoidants Doomed To Have Dysfunctional Relationships?

What To Do If You Can't Afford Therapy: • What To Do If You Can'...

[@denim_ak]

I lost a career when I started healing because I was unable to tolerate the hostile work environment I used to be able to navigate.

[@megancrandlemire2685]

I feel you. I left my job about 3 months into childhood trauma therapy. Suddenly I could see that I was replaying my childhood at this small company. So weird how blind I was to it until therapy and learning from Heidi.

[@comoane]

Same here!

[@TrustintheLord860]

I lost a job after my FA left me and I couldn’t concentrate.

[@InnerAbys]

Same for me! Life is a bit a mess now… but sure it will give me beautifull things.

[@ebd12345]

"150 If you are growing up in a home where emotional openness, intimacy and authenticity are repeatedly rejected by your caregivers the smart most adaptive thing to do is to learn to inhibit what you truly feel and to exaggerate what you don't really feel in order to get your needs met." Wow. That's messed up.

[@waterdragon5418]

Yes this creates the least amount of damage to the child when caregiver abusive.

[@mariajoy4541]

@@waterdragon5418 its not just about abuse though, sometimes it simply to get attention, learning what emotions lead you to have more attention from a caregiver.

[@ChaoticAuthenticity]

​@@mariajoy4541 neglect is a form of abuse

[@pauldevins8262]

I’ve been in relatively healthy, definitely not abusive relationships and still felt intensely trapped, unsafe and under an unbearable amount of pressure. It’s agonizing and I have pushed really decent people away as a result.

[@christophercollins2661]

Same

[@javierlandaverde4108]

Same here

[@berlizgonzalez6736]

That's so heartbreaking. I'm trying to understand my avoidant partner and trying to give him space. But the space pushes me away and makes me sad. I'm trying to love him the way he needs to be loved. I hope your agony goes away soon ❤️

[@aron4408]

@@berlizgonzalez6736 Stop trying. I don't mean leave him, I mean stop worrying about him and do your own thing. He's going through something and the only way he knows and wants to figure it out, is by himself. That's what we do. Let him know you're there, and fill your time with something else. - Him sensing you are sad, because he KNOWS its because of him is causing him even more distress. Shame and guilt are enough on our own, you're only adding to it by letting him know he's hurting you. I'm no psychologist, but I've read enough, and have literally lived this life for 40+ years to have more experience than the average psychologist.

[@berlizgonzalez6736]

@aron4408 I totally get that. But he's made some breakthrough recently. He's in therapy and trying to be more secure (his words not mine) he mentioned that he's allowing himself to feel emotions for the first time ever and is overwhelmed but knows it's important because he wants to be emotionally available for his little girls. They are 5 and 8, super young. I think if someone is trying to be a secure partner, it also means understanding how you make your partner feels. Being uncomfortable is ok. Many people avoid being uncomfortable and in turn push people away. We aren't meant to isolate, humans were meant to have communities and villages. His ultimate goal is to have a community. Have friends, be secure and a good father. I appreciate your feedback. I'm also in therapy working on myself and I have more of a secure attachment.

[@naturalebeing]

That makes a lot of sense. I always just thought I was avoidant because that’s my baseline, but when I’m really triggered I get anxious and cling to people/things… still, I never let it show like an anxious attached person would. I’ll just be feeling it internally.

[@Martabtf]

Me

[@RoxanaAncora]

Same…😢

[@bm5_5_5]

Same here

[@draapulus]

8:08 In a trigger situation, reaction: Secure - seek proximity to your caregivers. Anxious - seek proximity to your caregivers. Avoidant - attempt to downplay your emotional experience, hope that protection will be given by not making a fuss.

[@shelbymachado8712]

Family and work environments most definitely benefit from this attachment style.

[@KimberleyJP]

I'm binge watching all your fearful avoidant videos. I've thought for a couple of years I was anxious, but on reflection can see the avoidant strategies are there too... Once again, thanking you from the bottom of my soul, giving me the knowledge to see myself more clearly. This video was hugely powerful for me and I can now see, over and above my dysfunctional family, my ADHD and more recently my CPTSD (which I can also credit finding to you.) I can see how my fearful avoidant strategies are effecting my whole life, right down to my now perpetual Freeze state/dissociation, either emotional disregulation or intellectualising coping mechanism and even my intensely disorganized and overwhelming physical environment (I.e feelings taking precedent over my logical reasoning ability to get things done) I've learnt more from your channel than years of intermittent and ineffective therapy. BLESS YOU HEIDI,

[@khushbrar1544]

in the very same boat. Thank you and more blessings Heidi ❤

[@peacenquiet77]

Yes!!!!

[@lyndalmartin3581]

So beautifully written, some differences, same notion…. Thank you 🙏 so incredibly much for your bravery in sharing your journey & educating so many on the way. My eternal gratitude ❤

[@critterbugsmom]

Feel exactly the same. Thank you for so eloquently stating this

[@BarryMcCaulkiner420]

I thought I was avoidant but some people I date make me anxious. I’m fearful by the way.

[@loliipop070409]

I am the second child of my deeply traumatized parents. I’ve spent decades emotionally fragmented since my parents really really put all of them in being loving parents when they *could* . At the same time they inadvertently scapegoated me while being on their eternal anxious-avoidant spiral of heaven-hell. The high level of contrast of experiencing this has been causing a lot of psychological pain and your videos are helping me create a mental landscape where both realities are posible and neutral, which will eventually allow me to heal. I’m looking forward to stop feeling so defective and diabolic inside, you are helping me tremendously in this and make me wish to help other once I find the way

[@elenagyurova4128]

This video made me feel so good and kind of made me throw way all of my "something is fundamentally wrong with me" thoughts out the window. Realising that all of my attachment strategies are not necessary a flaw but actually just a nervous system response made me look at the situation as an asset, rather than something fundamentally evil. Being this way not only allows me, but pushes me to get to know myself better. Also made me realise that after a heal I would still have that strategy in my head that would make it easier fro me to recognise toxic situations and get out of there as soon as possible AND defend myself the best way possible. Also OMG I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I STILL HAVE SITUATIONS IN MY LIFE THAT I THRIVE IN BECAUSE OF MY ATTACHMENT STYLE. Such a great wake up call, one of the best videos I have watched so far. After watching your videos I have started to really enjoy understanding my blind spots and it is not uncomfortable and offensive for me anymore. I feel comfortable and the most important one yet - normal. Thank you so much. And to anyone reading this - Good luck on your own unique journey, you are not alone

[@loliipop070409]

❤

[@fedaaessa]

I have a fearful avoident attachment style due to parental abuse. And it's very hard for me to heal since I'm still living in the same environment. Therefore, even if I'm trying my best to be in a healthy relationship, it's still hard to consciously understand that I shouldn't seek an abusive or unhealthy relationship just to feel loved. I somehow can't feel the love unless it's hard and conditioned and I'd like to change this about myself. However, I'm sure that knowing myself is part of this journey of healing. So thank you for your clear, detailed videos.

[@theladyamalthea]

This is the first time I have ever watched a video on my attachment style that didn’t make me feel like a messed up weirdo. THANK YOU for explaining that we actually developed this attachment style because it was the BEST FIT for our unhealthy childhoods!! And it totally explains how I ended up with my husband even though I wanted something real and healthy. I didn’t know what real and healthy was. My fearful-avoidant strategies enabled me to do well in dysfunctional relationships. Oof. Healing is painful, hard work, but I know a better me is on the other side.

[@LYoung-et2sg]

Do any other FAs worry that Secure = Boring? Consciously I know this isn’t the case but subconsciously I am resisting. Every time the secure style is mentioned, I cringe a little 😳

[@LYoung-et2sg]

This is a fantastic video btw. I found myself enthusiastically nodding throughout. Thank you for dissecting all of this for us 😊

[@shiny_x3]

I used to think that way but as I healed myself more, it's anything but boring. I got bored of my dysfunctional patterns which were the same drama over and over again. Security is a platform for creativity, presence, joy...without all the drama, both internal and external.

[@sharpiesarecool814]

Yasssss

[@zoopothecary]

It can feel boring when you are used to drama - but it’s more like a quiet garden. And when you eventually heal and become less attuned to drama, less hypervigilant, have less ruminating and intrusive thoughts… you can find other wonderful things to spend your time and energy on, different depths to relationships, and more of a relationship with yourself which make NOT having to deal with the “excitement’ of unhealthy relationships really nice and not at all boring ☺️.

[@godsproperty2167]

Maybe you're not screwed up enough...I don't care what secure looks like I just want it so bad and I want it now!!!!

[@micahcabrera4637]

It's unreal how much value your videos are contributing to my life. Thanks for being an example of how to transmute the bullshit into gold. I'm noticing how my avoidant strategies are insulating me from social discomfort; flip-side being that my social intelligence isn't exercised regularly enough.

[@LesleySASMR]

I don’t want to be this way anymore. I pushed someone I love away too many times and I don’t think he’s coming back because he’s smart and secure. I hate this.

[@its.BiG.mamaaaa]

Same. 😢

[@agutz1765]

Going thru this now 😢

[@hunterkarr5618]

It hurts reading this. God bless you. Many of us can relate. My neuroticism eventually rears its ugly head and creates similar problems in my marriage. It’s a tough place to be in. I pray you find a path to better patterns 🙏

[@LolaAileenVanslette]

😢 I've lost so many relationships because of not knowing this.

[@LolaAileenVanslette]

​@@agutz1765Me too. I think I've been watching too many videos talking about narcissism and, because I'm doing this, I feel I've judged him as something he isn't. This isn't the first relationship I've sabotaged.

[@just_natii]

Heidi youre make me feel so seen and understand, in a very deep level, sometimes i got tears because what you are saying in youre videos feels soo understanding and validating, its pure balm to my soul. Thank you so match for all what you are doing! This is so preacious 💚

[@ebd12345]

I think I am FA. I don't think of my upbringing as being abusive, but maybe emotionally neglectful because of cultural norms (WASP). I have some early memories. One was that just before dinner was a difficult time for me (probably tired and hungry). I recall my mother asking me to go to my room until I could come down and be pleasant. Having emotions that weren't easy to be around were treated as flaws or bad behavior. 2. When I was in a good mood (i.e. quiet and obedient or upbeat) we got along so well. 3. My father was probably asbergers and definitely NPD. He was around after work and on weekends but either mentally distracted or controlling. Emotionally either too far away or too close. I never thought of these as abuse. I wish she'd use the words "abuse or neglect" Anyway, I want closeness but if/when I don't get it I retreat and isolate and cope just fine. I'd love to marry one day but never met anyone who I trust with having a family or a household or handling finances who also chose me back. I think I got too excited and anxious and turned them off, maybe? Men who wanted to marry me were looking for a mother and I didn't want that responsibility on top of taking care of myself and everything else.

[@hunterkarr5618]

Good luck. I pray you find that special person ❤

[@KelseyJeanne]

Finally I am able to understand the fearful avoidant strategy. Everything I've read makes it seem like you're just a disorganized mess. With almost no hope of healing. Come to find it's actually really adaptive. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This one morsel might prove to be life changing for me.

[@lachesislooms9233]

I have never heard or read anything stated as clearly as how you describe this issue. You really have a talent; thank you for sharing.

[@genevievetang4228]

This is the best fearful avoidant video I’ve ever watched. So much compassion and integrity in your content. Thank you!

[@Lanearndt]

I'm fearful avoidant and was raised with a bit of chaos and unintentional emotional neglect. I love and appreciate learning about all these ideas and concepts but the thing people need to realize from a therapeutic standpoint is that kids don't know how to ask for these things. I didn't know I wasn't being loved in the way i needed to be or emotionally supported in the way I needed to be. It was the 70s and my young parents had three kids in 3years and were in the early 20s. they didn't know anything and often these therapeutic analyses characterize them as neglectful demons rather than the victims of pan generational trauma in a world before therapy! My dad was raised on a farm in the 50s and 60s and my mom was an army brat from the same time. No one told them they might be able to ask their children what their needs were. We have to be careful to not be anachronistic with these ideas. Yes clearly people had it worse than me and some parents were monstrously abusive. But there's a huge grey area where people were not the products of overt abuse. Where are the subtleties in these breakdowns?!

[@soccom8341576]

Neglect has serious consequences. Overt abuse is not required to cause lasting unhealthiness.

[@lakelvp]

There is a lot of cultural focus on responsibility for social issues rather than accountability. The responsibility for these issues stemming from childhood issues are pan generational but WE are fully accountable for the issues that impact out lives. I think Heidi is pointing out that strategies employed by those of us with a fearful avoidant attachment style are often useful and should not be blindly overruled or rejected, but that there may be situations in which they are appropriate. I think my own work with experimenting to become more securely attached has led me to become more manipulated in transactional relationships. We must recognize when trust is appropriate and learn to trust ourselves and others not at every moment and at all times but when objective evidence supports that trust is merited. I'm now working on achieving a state of *generally* trusting myself and building trust with those i love but blindly trusting everyone seems pretty impractical for those who do not live in a monastery.

[@lyndalmartin3581]

Disagree with this statement

[@hi_im_angie]

I agree with this. I believe my parents did their best, but they also did a lot of drugs (mostly pot). My FA is probably the result of inadvertent emotional neglect. As an adult I feel like I have pretty healthy relationships with them. And I acknowledge my own role in my adult child's FA. I thought at the time that I was "fostering independence", but now I recognize that I was often disassociating and neglecting their emotional needs (how could I meet their needs when I can't even recognize my own?).

[@mariajoy4541]

I don't think any of the online people informing us of these issues are saying that our parents are bad, I have never felt that way. But I think what you are failing to grasp is that a few million people at the same time as you were growing up managed to grow up secure, and the reason that is, is because they had either one or two secure parents themselves who taught them how to deal with emotions properly. Your parents, like my parents and like all of our parents who are here were not secure, so they couldn't teach us how to be secure and that is as much their fault as it is our fault we were raised insecurely. Sometimes these things happen, but we are here trying to break the cycle.

[@slimsimchy9463]

This video rings of so much truth for me. Basically, many behaviors of mine that are avoidance-related very much explain why I also struggle with dissociating on a daily basis. Dissociating from even oneself = yet another way of *avoiding* but in a way that is incredibly detrimental as an adult (even if it was probably an effective tool as a child, when there was no way out from the neglect, abuse, etc. After watching this video and truly internalizing its messages I feel, in emotional terms, as if I've just been hit by a train. And yet, it's also absolutely liberating (and life-affirming) to learn this stuff, even if only at 28 years of age. lol

[@nishasankaran]

I describe my childhood as growing up in a minefield - thinking/feelings/emotionally and sometimes physical. The FA makes so much sense to me…I’m 45 yo and single currently as past relationships were short or also volatile. I really want intimacy and a partner to grow with but I also want to avoid intimacy at all costs on a nervous system level. I don’t feel like such a confused/confusing freak as much anymore. This is great info, ty ❤🙏🏾

[@steveleeart]

Same to a degree although it was mainly abuses I was surrounded by. Things I witnessed. Although as I got older I’d try to intervene. Heck I tried when I was young to, but a kid versus grown adults isn’t a contest. But then also I was bullied a lot, especially when I was in high school - it was like I was a lightning rod for every other student. It’s played into my adulthood. In my twenties I was good at hiding things but then was in a longer term relationship and she cheated on me repeatedly, even though we made up and committed to working on things we didn’t. And she eventually left me for someone else and I haven’t been with anyone now for 8 years. I’m so broken. I want to improve my life, but haven’t been able to. I’m an empathic INFJ-T but I’m very hard on myself. Suffer from depression. Could be BPD but haven’t explored that. Became aware of attachment styles in the last while, and definitely I’m fearful avoidant which makes sense. Bleh. I’m not sure this style has helped me in any way, just left me alone.

[@grupiebug]

I love this! It’s not vilifying people with this attachment style or even victimizing them. Your videos are good at removing judgement and particularly shame as well. I feel powerful to know that I am smart enough to adapt to many environments, especially my abusive one growing up. If I stay this way, I’m not doomed for pain and suffering (many people don’t change their adaptive ways! Many people die like this and still have relationships in this state!) but I can be aware of the fact that there are other ways to conduct myself and my life that may make things align with what I want for my life. Thanks!

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

❤i totally agree! 😉

[@HildeAzul]

Thanks for not vilifying us.. Please also ever vilify those of us with these attachment issues! We were abused as little children some way more than others. Some of us were even SA by our male caregivers ( or females) and that is confusing for the brain as it is stemming and pruning… we all had to learn how to make it at home and are now hardwired. Those of us here are trying to change. I wouldn’t say all of us are manipulative in order to trick others but so that we feel okay.

[@guillaumejarry764]

There should be a moral judgement about it. Because your strategies are abusive to secure people.

[@grupiebug]

@@guillaumejarry764 absolutely if someone hurts another person there should be moral judgement. But not for having feelings (not actions) that are to be expected after having gone through abuse.

[@guillaumejarry764]

@@grupiebug Morality should be objective because it is the only thing strong enough to regulates your emotions.

[@sarahtachibana1333]

Thank you Heidi. Sometimes watching these videos honestly just helps to fade away the sheer panic of feeling trapped in unhealthy environments and losing track of what direction to go to surface for air. This orients me toward air.

[@purplecupcake993]

I just realized through this i was never stupid or dumb for having these survival strategies, thank you! I realized through this also i mightve been exploited in my last dysfunctional relationship which i think i intuitively knew was always the case but this video helped me to clarify my suspicions so thank you, thank you for all that you do Heidi. You really are amazing.

[@Xanoxis]

Great video. I had exactly this sort of situation. First I was in unhealthy relationship, where my F-A strategies kinda worked well, but I was fake and damaging myself in the long run, and now I need to adapt to honest and better relationship, where I realize I need to change myself to be more authentic and in tune with emotions.

[@carolinesolomon5866]

Oh my gosh! Having the base line as avoidant but with anxious style trigger responses makes soooo but sense as a fearful avoidant. Thank you!

[@ravena.2371]

Wow, I was aware of the fact that I should change the way I act in my community/friend group, but never thought of it the way you put in the video. I’m even surprised now by how lucky I am to still be there as a valuable member 😅 Also, it was pure luck to find them I guess. I behaved partially secure, partially anxious, can’t really define and it so happened that these people accepted me. I’ve tried soooo many times to form a connection with people earlier, but it had never worked out… Jobs, university, couldn’t fit in anywhere. Now I also have a healthy workplace what also surprises me. I understand now that if would change people and places more, I could get my needs met much earlier. But I guess I just didn’t have the energy too and was waiting until the last straw 😢

[@HildeAzul]

This is so me! I was abused by my male caregiver (chimo’d - SA, physical, emotional), which my female caregiver brought into the home. So not only was I confused by the fact this person was my caregiver who was now my father figure and acted like a father figure but he was also narcissistic and volatile at time. How confusing is this? My mom was super loving and I am sure I had a secure attachment to her until he came along. She fed me to a predator and I stopped trusting all adults. I was told I stopped hugging and cuddling at the age of three (ding! Ding! Ding! C’mon mom!) I completely shut down once he came into my life. I can’t help it, but I have very little connection with my mom. She breached my trust and continues to do so. My aunt has told her what happened, my hubs and I invited her over to have a talk and I was ready and she knew (I think), but didn’t want to hear it so she cancelled and now we act like nothing ever happened.

[@nbonasoro]

I watched your video on whether or not I am being too nice or fawning and this video and I feel like I understand mysel more than I ever have. Thank you.

[@Mindyzzzzz]

I am still part FA ,but I’m leaning on the more secure side now by working through my childhood trauma. Both my parents were different forms of narcissists growing up and I was the black sheep/scapegoat. I also got to experience being the other end of a FA.

[@daniellebreeden1359]

You are absolutely amazing girl. Top 99% of any trauma informed professional I have ever met.

[@daniellebreeden1359]

I meant listened to 😅

[@hjay26]

You kinda gave me an aha moment... I kept thinking it's all me and that if unhealthy situations keep repeating, it's because it's me... And that when I practice healthy strategies and they fail, I must be doing them wrong... But now it sounds like it has to do with who I let into my life because with some people and environments those healthy strategies don't really work. So I guess that really is a big piece of it too...

[@EvolveAndEmpower]

No, it's you. It really is. Take responsibility.

[@stevennewhouse3127]

I love how safe you express and explain all of this, there are times i feel unconsciously "i don't necessarily want to feel this right now" but with how you communicate it makes it very safe to be and experience my full self and patterns. Thank you so much.

[@jamienorthup6265]

It’s hard to admit I’m FA. It’s like saying “my parents made me this way.” I find myself defending them, but they weren’t around a lot in my early childhood. I was bullied a lot by people in my life were the adults didn’t help they shamed me for asking for help. To the point I felt embarrassed to tell my parents so I lied a lot. Became hyper independent but craving people. So I tended to give myself into friendships and relationships that hurt me and were abusive. My mindset was “but I know they are awful so I know how to placate.” My parents didn’t do anything wrong they just weren’t around because they were working and I had to just make do. When they did become more involved I didn’t want to burden them….which is crazy they are my parents right? So as an adult I just made do, I assumed being upset and expressing being upset was immature. Until I had basically a meltdown. Screaming and crying and or over talking something that happened five months ago. Because I never let it go I just repressed it. So in the end I was the “crazy ex friend or the crazy ex”. But as I have gotten older became more aware in work relationships and friendships. But romantic and family is still a work in progress. And i am making the uncomfortable thing where I am leaning on my parents for the first time and asking them to be there emotionally as well as other ways. It’s hard, but I think it’s helping. Therapy also has been great too and videos like these as well.

[@x4dvanced]

The relief I got from this video is something unreal. Thank you very much for making this videos. I really appreciate them.

[@godsproperty2167]

Girl you can dissect!! Loved this, especially the last points.

[@Holly-j7f]

Heidi, you are so good at this!

[@milocat6387]

Thank you for sharing this. I really appreciated your point of how these strategies work... when you're in an abusive situation. I recently quit a toxic job with an abusive manager. What is fascinating is how comfortable I felt at that job. I felt like I belonged. It felt right. All of my (coping mechanism) tools worked for me at that job with that manager. I knew instinctively how to deal with them. I left when the abuse became to overt for me to ignore, but I still missed and craved that environment. It took awhile for me to realize why it felt so familiar: it felt like home. Now I'm doing the hard work of unpacking all of the trauma which lead me to such unhealthy strategies in the first place. I hadn't really viewed my upbringing as abusive, but it most definitely was. There was a great deal of neglect and emotional manipulation. Now I am learning to express my needs healthily, to recognize that I deserve (as a human being) to have those needs met and to establish boundaries with others so I don't sacrifice myself in a fawn response. Edit to add: I was watching a show yesterday about desert animals. It spoke of how they would be unhappy in other climates, despite us finding it so harsh. We are so lucky to be able to adapt to other environments. If you were raised in an emotional desert you don't have to stay there - you can learn how to thrive in more hospitable emotional landscapes.

[@dimez1981]

I’m so impressed how u articulate it so well so spot on I have early since I was eight years old in and out of therapy, children, psychiatric centers hospitalizations when I was in my adolescence due to the fact that I was rebelling against my mother, I come from Hispanic background, so I cannot. I’m already can’t say my mom is abusive whether she was or not. I can’t say that, even though it is the case because she’s my mother, and I still love her and have respect for her, but yeah, it was respect in bedded by tremendous tremendous fear to this day and some insight as we and a relationship has never been well. it took me to have a baby in order for us to form that bridge at 41. I had a baby, that’s why I’m seeking all kinds of help because I don’t ever wanna pass that down. That being said I had to admit to my mom that I was sexually abused as a child at four and she had admitted that she know that she responded in a very incorrect manner, very abusive manner because she got so frustrated because I pooped when I was two years old in the tub that affected me, but apparently I’ve always been afraid of her so I don’t know if that was probably. I was so afraid of her that I have rather put my life in danger make things worse situation and the consequences of her being upset that I wasn’t at the pick up location at 2:30 when school bell rang, which may worse that fear that intense fear that I had for the consequences of my mother oh yeah, that totally put a damper on our communication and I made me do some silly things made me go through a stranger or just circumstantial event to deal with her. she never trusted me and she had doubt that she’ll ever trust me, but I finally accepted that. That’s her problem not me. I love My Mother and respect my mother and we have grown to get to know each other now, but I can see now that this has answered a lot of questions and especially at 42. I just discovered that it was a crazy pattern. I know it was, I was aware of a lot of things, but I had no idea that attachment and trauma had to do with all of my most of my patterns that I decided I just thought that it was things that I experience since I ran away at 15 and the fact that I never treated my psychiatric issues which was ADHD, but then they always the other part which was my behavior and things they could not put a nail on it. They hit me with bipolar. They hit me with treats of a borderline they hit me with CTPSD yeah I had tremendous self-awareness and I will always reflect and take accountability. So here we go. I’m a mother now so my fear is I better get my shit together and HEAL understand the source and what I can do about it. My whole point sorry for rambling. What is that? I’ve got a lot of different channels and books and I’ve been you know trying to get as much as information to deal in to cope or to learn new ways to cope or unlearn my patterns and it’s hard I’m in a relationship that I chose when I was in that the sparing that cycle and trauma form it and the problem is that it turns out to be the father of my child and that child he is a good dad and you know that brought us together and I’m like oh my gosh I gotta do something with something gotta give I mean I’m already going through so much this regulation and anger and ability because of, I’ve made these choices when I have not 1 ounce of boundaries settings

[@TheScriqbler]

You are opening my eyes to so, so many things... Thank you so much for this information, Hiedi, I'm currently unable to access professional help, and I'm going through my own dark night of the soul do to my attachment issues, and this information is literally saving me.

[@YouTubeAddict24-7]

And with the triggering I get that now aswell because I avoid crap if I can with people but when people that will harm me or my surroundings or family I go to extream thought's and threats and just I don't think I'd even have the courage to do what I threatened but I know it keeps other danger's away from stuff that's gone on before with violence and things like that the trauma everything but feels good to know that's why these videos are so good and when I found myself dealing with people that won't talk just go straight to violence I know for a FACT!!!! I can't just go weak on front of them or I'm finished all together then I need to keep some sort of face up otherwise you get destroyed but that's not what I want I want to just live somewhere ok and even a half ok life not just doing what I do

[@amyarcher4330]

Thank you so much for helping me understand myself, it feels like the first step to better things ❤

[@ubiquitousreverser]

I’m really glad your video’s showed up on my channel. This unfortunately is my attachment type. It explains a lot. Definitely can’t wait to figure out how to heal.

[@yveqeshy]

You have the best content on FAs that I have come across so far. We love a good Indepth video and you keep supplying them

[@henrysilkysmooth]

Wow wow. This is hittin me right in the gut. Which is a good thing. Thank you so much.

[@robbind3414]

Thank you so much Heidi! You are greatly helping me understand my attachment style. You are such a blessing!

[@edwardgreacen1833]

This video seems so familiar. I guess it's because it describes the relationships that I have been in (up to now). I'm leaving myself a little room to maneuver because I have the means and the opportunity to demand more out of relationships (I am 75 and live alone). But the problem I run into is the one you refer to time and again - namely, that the fearful avoidant response is often the basis for my current relationships. Wow! I said it. Up to now I've always blamed others. Now I have a way to participate. It's called making choices. I like best of all your advice to be careful. As in, don't overdo. I need to learn the habit of giving myself time to look at things without the pressure to make a decision RIGHT NOW. Good stuff! Thanks! Keep up the good work!

[@footinstirrup]

the way you explain this is so understandable. thank you

[@Leonardovizziello]

Dear Heidi first of all thank you for being so clear, explicative in your videos. my case i for sure go in a fearful-avoidant strategy when people say me that somehow i hurt them, that I am a bad person, when they don't give me a second option than hurting them or betray myself and also when i get ignored. Of course in these situations I get completely overwhelmed and panic and I then become avoidant or anxious, sometimes alternatively in the same conversation/situation, feeling g obviously completely uncoherent.

[@Leonardqh5kp]

Thank you Heidi. I thought of myself as a liar and untrustworthy - as a child, I would tip toe around my explosive Dad. This is the first time I understand it was a survival strategy - that I carried through into my teens and early adulthood. Bless you for your videos.

[@garyanger3141]

12:58-13:23.... woah... Thank you for your insight and comprehensive breakdown of this topic.

[@Kikipotamus]

Right on time, as always.

[@deciduousrex1219]

One of your most important videos to me.

[@annemarrie3895]

Whoah it's quite interesting the perspective you've given to the FA attachment..that it's baseline is trauma & the adaptive attachment style learned... hmm I might chew on this for a while.. it's given me so much perspective especially when you said that you get triggered then apply the attachment which could go either way.. that's exactly what happens to me

[@lilyneva]

Thank you for making these videos. They are to my mind incredible in their richness and quality, and so helpful. I think you are doing something very important for a multitude of people.

[@jeremiahhayes]

I'm a fan of your work. Definitely a fearful avoidant attachment in therapy. I'm making great progress. And your eyes!

[@YouTubeAddict24-7]

This makes alot of sence to me it's like your reading out everything I feel do say and why it all happens because before I didn't have a clue what's up with me but I love the videos and I'm still going to go see a councilor now that I even know what I think is up with me

[@Viviennitta]

I changed, I started to have expectations and to take more finally, instead of carrying others on my back. I've lost all of my friends, even the one that I knew since we were 6. The pain, loneliness and disappointment is enormous. But it's somehow harder than ever to believe their ugly words about me, which they said in anger. Deep down I know I have to let almost all of them go. Two years of therapy, a drastic change for the better and I've lost more people than ever probably...

[@averynmitchell]

The right healthy people will love us and the ones that don’t respect us have to go away ❤ I know it feels so difficult right now and you’re doing the right thing 🙏🏻

[@Viviennitta]

@@averynmitchell thank you for being an amazing, supportive human being! I appreciate it so much 🙏🏻😊 Now I'm surrounding myself with people who respect my feelings much much more.

[@averynmitchell]

@@Viviennitta Anytime! You are not alone in this. It definitely can feel like an isolating journey, and I am so happy to hear that you are surrounding yourself with people who respect your feelings more. You are worthy of that-- it helps in the long run! :)

[@prashanthireddy2333]

same 😢

[@Viviennitta]

@@prashanthireddy2333 it does get better!!!!!!

[@jean-victorcote5825]

Merci!

[@NormanInAustralia]

Thanks!

[@TanyaMatchett-m4y]

Thank you for helping me realize that I'm not a horrible bad person....I can learn a new way! I don't have to live like this anymore

[@geraldineharrington6210]

This makes sense. I was very confused as I usually tend towards anxious attachment except in romantic relationships where I teǹd to be avoidant. In romantic relationships I tend to withdraw and distance inresponse to conflict. I work in a caring profession and when I was younger I struggled with too much overwhelming empathy but these days I am more disassociated.

[@Slipping_thru_the_Seams]

your insight is so powerful, these videos are full of gold nuggets on top of being really informative as a whole

[@joannelewis3390]

Avoidant man left me hanging so long a read a book on attachments and started up a relationship with someone secure. Going on a date this weekend

[@marianbergroth8228]

Thank you Heidi! I found you just some days ago and I really appreciate your content. So accurate and with that lovely ENFP vibe. Also I can feel you have lived this. I shared your video about emotional dumping to my Swedish FB-friends and they loved it! All the best from an INFJ healing from CPTSD

[@theoldaccountthatiusedtous6767]

I'm partway through this journey, thanks to the help of a lovely therapist. I felt my progress in therapy was constantly interfered with by the situations where it felt like my survival required me to fawn (which made me miserable, which meant there was a big gap between how I was showing up and what I actually felt, which meant I had to do a whole lot of numbing, which meant that I wasn't able to feel my feelings). I eventually went back to school in another city and NOW i feel like I'm making progress. Like... thank you so much to my previous therapist (back in my hometown) for doing all this work that is only now coming to fruition.

[@taylorsmith4128]

So helpful and validating. Thank you.

[@brianricke4950]

Thank you so much for this video!! You helped me to give language to things I didn’t really know how to express?

[@nesugalvotas]

Amazing video! Thank you! 🙏 P.S. anyone else spent the whole video trying to figure out the background set up? 😅

[@westcracker114]

this video is a master piece

[@hollywisconsin]

15:30 yes, it's double challenging changing my behaviors and my environment, shifting pieces around, this whole thing is definitely a slow process and constant mindfulness is exhausting sometimes, ha.

[@antoniquemarks5203]

Mom was abusive.. fearful avoidant here. This makes so much sense like I get it now

[@jean-victorcote5825]

Coach Heidi nailed it again!

[@ShaneGraffiti]

Doing the lords work ❤ this pairs nicely with Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s research to give a fully robust understanding of cluster b

[@Dgn404]

Those last notes on how you need to change your environment in order for a different attachment strategy to potentially be effective really ring true and I feel like thats the hardest part about it.

[@cdivinetwinmom]

Heidi Bless you! Awesome explanation!

[@ScabiousGarde]

Damn maybe I ought to not work in a resteraunt, it might be seriously detrimental to my mental health, wasn't expecting that message to hit home so hard

[@kv_andy]

I have discovered your channel and it helped me realised more about my insecure attachment style. While thinking about such a difficult topic, It's so important to get clear audio and grateful to you for explanation and clear format. quite often I stop, rethink, review your words to better understand my own situation, and I was hoping fearful-avoidant is not much more difficult to handle, unfortunately its not. So looking at the evidence, my life is full of fear switching On and Off, while neglecting my feelings and emotions. I do not know my exact trauma but I can feel this times when I totally avoid feelings and numb them with videos, computer games, binge eating, and when I kindha wake up. Recently I strated my sobriety from all those things. Now to the best times FA strategies worked for me was in my long-term relationships - 5 years 10 months ago, which I wish can say were sweet time, but I have been neglecting my true desires and used unhealthy ways to express needs, led to break up. Same for study, and also I have been almost fired multiple times from different universities. But its scared to be without financial security and its scared to be alone. Do fearful-avoidant people feel guilt and if I feel it overwhelmingly a lot, is it my healing process? At the same time, still attached with thoughts and feelings to my ex.

[@intrawovenarts]

This is literally amazing, Heidi!!! Thank you 🥹❤️

[@intrawovenarts]

I think the biggest roadblock is knowing *what* to do about it all, and getting concrete advice on how to edge ourselves out of the patterning is incredibly helpful and liberating and comforting.

[@AubernsRevolution]

Jam packed truths. I need to watch this again.

[@jorbles8740]

Thank you for doing this work and for explaining things with compassion and clarity.

[@jorbles8740]

Teaching in a public school in Arizona - this is a place where my adaptive fearful-avoidant skills feel essential. I am stepping away from full time to sub and to re-focus on my creative practice.

[@serahaus]

I love you, your videos are so helpful and making a huge impact in my life right now. Thank you so much ❤

[@freedomtownn]

I needed to hear this.

[@ImaginarySusan]

I had a flash back of me about three, my blackout finally fading after the "pummeling " stopped, of being so horrifically afraid of my mother but still through tears and hyperventilating asking her; "But don't you love me mommy, do you still love me?" - "I do honey honey, of course I do" and embracing me while I could hardly breath, and feeling that her hug scared me as much as her beatings. If the beatings would have just stopped. I may have not become a fearful avoidant. But they didn't. the last time she "spazzed-out" on me, for wearing my pajamas far into the morning. I was 34. As I lay over the table she threw me on, I said, "Do it! Go ahead! Hit me! I'm used to it. I like it! ..." I'm 59 now, that was almost half my life away. I'm still untrusting and I finally stopped seeking comfort or from her. This year, again, as the scapegoat, I was dismissed from a once-in-a-life-time family celebration. I won't ever be seen gathering with "them" in the future. Ive given up on having a family. I won't ever again wish for attachment from any of them. All I wanted was to be included.

[@melissasmuse]

Sending you lots of love and understanding ✨💛

[@AnaGC542]

Crying while listening

[@kmcq692]

Just heard from Thomas Moore about how much he values his Prima Materia of the Mother Wound in his healthy psychological journey, his Opus, toward Wholeness. Seems the goal might not be to heal into perfection, but instead be willing to keep stepping into the muck and letting it, the emotional muck, have its way with us. Sure, get better and better, but don’t wish it or demand it away.

[@fernfunk]

your videos are very dense with great insights and information. thank you! listen with attention!!

[@danzed1727]

As a disorganised attachment.... my job lol is about organising things, processes/training/productivity... how bazaar!

[@alexblazin5478]

Im addicted to chaos because Ive only known chaos my entire life. Growing up my environment was unpredictable and chaotic. I believed relationships were supposed to be unbalanced, uncertain, and overall chaotic. I always panic when things are going good peace is frightening. 😔😔. I always say Im going to do better in my next relationship. I try to troubleshoot my way through it I inevitably wind up in the same spot. It's a vicious circle. By the time I realize Im doing what I always do. Its too late.

[@JahinIinI]

What would you tell someone who is fearful avoidant and wants to heal to do who cannot access professional therapy? Love your videos.

[@smart_beluga]

Your videos are extremely helpful! Thank you so much!

[@pessimisticoptimist3107]

I usually go into videos like and on other channels negatively because I hate how accurate they are to me and my life. But i leave them a bit more understanding and a bit hopeful

[@kerryfaden94]

Wow You are good! I am following!

[@2stepmethod]

If you're open to it.. go into meditation with God and ask him to reveal for you what is hidden from you around a certain trigger you have. This worked for me, only took 20 mins and I opened my eyes to a different reality 💓 when my triggers came up afterwards, i was able to see them clearly and let them go. I now know that fight I was fighting was for my inner child and her relationships, not the 'other' that just triggered it. God also showed me how i was hurting them, i dont want to hurt them. 💓🙌

[@Kaizen800]

I have pursued roles of service to others in order to gain love from others to fill the deficit of love for myself in my life. This strategy in my adult life is manipulative and limits the opportunity to learn to love myself if continued. I need to feel that hunger for love by not indulging my insecure attachment strategy, so that I can feel the hunger, and learn to feed myself. In that manner, I will learn how to healthily get my need for love met. Then I can pursue authentic connection with others from a place of interdependence, rather than from a place of neediness and starvation for love from them.

[@asafselevanay1330]

this is exactly explaining my FA ex behaviors how she ended healthy relationship. If said some feels being crucial of something she would get mad, if i disagree with her get mad, did not to have sex she stonewall me, asked her to spend more time with me she refused and asked for clear communication she got so mad at me send a long text. very next day wanted to end 1.5 years relationship, but still wanted to remain a friend with me. So as secure person i don't tolerate such deal downgrade my romantic relationship. Then she used her bad coping mechanisms by cheating with old married ex completely traumatized me when i caught her in her job parking lot.

[@johnbauer4455]

I am watching a lot of your videos and they are incredibly helpful. You speak clearly and intentionally and this feels like a real healing and self-awareness. Thank you for this incredible contribution.

[@xheidix1974]

I see both anxious and fearful in myself depending on the conflict in front of me. I'm really trying to be healthy. I'm in therapy and hoping to learn to how to change my thinking. Its so hard to be this way. I don't WANT to be this way anymore.

[@m.r.5089]

Very good explanation. I like this channel