Are you trying to ‘handle’ being a non-priority?

Feeling like a non-priority? The goal isn’t to make yourself okay with being treated badly, but to know our rights and speak up. Here’s how to ask the right questions and incentivize the right treatment.
Work with me: susanwinter.ne...
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[@JoanVasquez]

"Spending all of your time trying to be comfortable being uncomfortable." wow! THAT spoke to me! I needed it. Thank you.

[@jesoryfahlstrom7275]

This statement slapped me in the face!

[@jesoryfahlstrom7275]

Definitely felt it hit home..

[@shalu822]

I felt similarly about the statement you are not supposed to be secure in an insecure environment. I realised if I am not supposed to be secure there then I must leave.

[@angelaferreira5177]

Same with me wow!!!

[@AshA-bt5fg]

Yes people want to make us fake like them

[@tylertremblay831]

This hit me like a bag of bricks to my stomach. Thank you for fighting to get us to see ourselves and the world more clearly. Your words are healing and supportive and I know they will continue help thousands of people. Thank you for sharing your gift and wisdom!

[@SusanWinter]

My heartfelt pleasure!!!!

[@brookvalley907]

Actions speak louder than words. Rather than tell your partner that you're thinking about moving on, just start moving on. Do whatever you would normally do if you were going to move on. If you're a little overweight, start a diet. If you need to firm up, start going to the gym. Even if you don't need to firm up start going to the gym. It's a great place to meet people. Start buying hot new clothes. And shoes! Start going out with your friends and meet new people. If your partner calls to ask you out, simply tell them you would love to go out, but this Friday or Saturday or weekend, you're going to be busy. If they ask you what you're going to be doing, simply tell them you're going out with your friends. If they ask you why, simply say, "To have fun." Your partner knows what it looks like when someone's getting ready to move on. if they don't start paying more attention to you when they see you starting to move on, words won't help. Plus, you will already be well on your way to moving on when you discover whether or not they're going to start paying more attention to you. Unfortunately, we only really start valuing what we think we might truly lose. Oh. And if they do start paying more attention to you, don't ever stop doing the "moving on" things. Dieting, exercising and going out with friends are all good things, and they keep reminding your partner why they chose you when they thought that they were going to lose you. The only relationship security is being able to get the next one. I imagine that that the conversation approach has worked fine for Susan, because every man she ever dated knew that she could move on at the drop of a hat. For the rest of us, actions speak louder than words.

[@Isabelle.B]

Anon amous Excellent advice. Thank you. I believe it is the solution to regain self esteem, strength and show the partner how wrong they are to take us for granted.

[@eugeniathomas8256]

Anon amous thank you.

[@cherylcuttineau7916]

“And the truth shall set you free!” Thank you, Anon amous. Excellent advice. BTW, I released 40 pounds going to the gym every day and am in the best physical health of my life!

[@birdiecurry2100]

Anon amous great comment!

[@triston9312]

Love ur comment❤❤❤

[@Magnoliasdiary]

Thank you Susan 🙏 you're right, you're supposed to feel safe, heard, seen in a relationship, if we feel anxious, sad, clingy, it's not us, it's because the other person is not secure, we don't feel safe, and we don't trust our gut because we love that person, but deep inside we know we're not supposed to feel crippling anxiety but joy and safety. Love yourself enough to ask for your needs and walk away when they are not met.

[@nursedonamendoza4894]

Oh God I so needed this. Been blaming myself for my insecurities when deep inside I know it’s because he is not treating me as a priority.

[@vtbhoward]

3rd time watching this today. This empowers me. I feel healing each time I listen.

[@nanaifan1]

Susan thank you so much for this video!!! I've been too nice I'm done, I can't expect to be treated with respect if I don't even respect myself. It's 4:00 am and here I am overthinking their behavior 😒. I'll talk to her tomorrow, thanks for the advice!

[@chxwv]

Thank you for posting this . I’m dealing with medical issues caused by an injury that she is responsible for , but even with her being the cause of my injury she has made me feel like I’m not a priority to her at all .

[@KaylaSchoolZr]

That was a beautiful message that resonated on every level. Thank you 🙏🏻

[@LadyWoreBlack]

Thank you for this. I wish I had found you two years ago.

[@GinAmber]

If you talked to him in a calm/adult way without blaming and nagging and if its very important what you need and they are not giving its time to move on.

[@avenged212]

Thank you, Susan. Your channel is immensely helpful and has given me insight on alot of issues I had been going through with my relationship.

[@superpoodlehead]

This is fabulous! Thanks for saying what had to be said!🎉❤

[@cliffjackson615]

Wisdom!

[@annekecglas1096]

18 months later... Fighting my way through 😢. Time to fly.

[@saraa4999]

I had this argument few days ago. The connection is over now. Another confermaton that asking for a commitment is NOT TOO MUCH! Or you in or you out. Is simple

[@abigailjarnigan]

You’ve been helping me a lot

[@ivandag564]

You say it soo well.

[@debragoforth4738]

Not anymore!!

[@flsandmastr64]

Amen! I wish I could have shown this to my soon to be ex! Never at fault, never made an effort always placing the burden of making our marriage work on me! Emotionally detatched. If i ecpressed me needs it was oh everyone loves differantly or oh you're just needy and insecure. I was married 30 years until God called the love of my life home at 47 years old with no warning. My ex had been an ex three times before I came along. I should have known. Can you say narcissist?

[@LootableCorpse]

It's because good people hate being negative. But when you are not being treated right, it forces you to answer with negativity because reacting with positivity and understanding would only enable them to continue their bad behavior. However, after it keeps happening we get so tired of reacting with negativity that there is only one choice left. Break it up or be patient and hope for a change. Of course hoping for a change is a dumb thing to do but when you love someone and you don't want to break up it's the only thing left to do. When you are a non-priority loving them hurts but trying to hold back your love can hurt even more.

[@samsmith3982]

Awesome

[@rhysedwards3221]

My biggest problem is with dishonesty. Why string someone along. Why flake??? Total waste of both peoples time. Ladies. If your not into him. Say ASAP. Don't say you want to see him. Don't sleep with him. Don't make plans. Let him go. It's not fair. (personal experience)

[@cindycinn2724]

I went thru this he kept saying i was being stupid insecure foolish turned out i was right he was chasing my sister slept with her now they are both disowned by me why didn't he just tell me or my sister tell me we were close but i had to actually catch them

[@itismetotori]

God damn...

[@Dirtnap1986]

He's not making me a priority! I like him so much, but he has my feelings allover the place. He's using the fact that we both work so much as his excuse. I've told him time ans time how much I miss him and how we hardly see each other. It's always the same ole' same ole' "I'm busy" "Your busy". I know it's wrong what i'm allowing him to do to me, but I really haven't been in a relationship or anything with a man.It has been a long time since any man has shown me any attention. Writing this makes me feel disgusted with myself. Like I feel I won't find anyone else. I tried to cut him off before, but he talked me back in. I feel like a fool because all the signs was there from the beginning. He wants a relationship just not with me.

[@lenapazina9613]

I hope you find true happiness. You deserve it.

[@denisea.9536]

Sadly, I have been told I am needy, crazy, annoying etc. for asking the basic questions you speak of. I have also been consistently shown I am not a priority. Sadly, I have put up with this for far too long. You are so on point, Susan. Thanks

[@cathywhiddon5076]

I was just told I am crazy and high maintenance. Umm dude, you need to write a book containing all of you " reasons" you can't talk, text, or spend time with your girlfriend. You met my family, why can't I meet yours? Good bye loser!

[@mildreddavis1684]

Keep, Agree completely. Once you are healthy and actually do not even care either way - bam...out of the woodwork people keep showing up in life And by that time, it doesn't even matter HA!! You can take um or leave um - you will be fine either way

[@lynnebutan3060]

You should be able to express all feelings that you have and be respected for them

[@luciferduck6759]

@@lynnebutan3060 You should be able to express your feelings but being respected for them depends on how reasonable they are.

[@lynnehorizon5532]

Josh whose to define how reasonable feelings are?

[@TheLUCYCAT]

This made me cry. Thank you for giving me permission to get out of it.

[@danaglover6801]

TheLUCYCAT just went thru this myself. Kept listening to the empty promises and bullshit. I finally realized I was really wasting my time and that I deserved much better. It left me hurting and drained but I know I can’t and won’t turn bk. It’s not worth it. Anybody that can’t and won’t make time for you at least sometimes; does not wanna b bothered. Period.

[@cosmopolitanbay9508]

"You want somebody who wants a relationship and they want it with you!" :) It truly is that simple. Thanks Susan!

[@husseinkangomba8297]

Not always my friend

[@shashamarie4760]

It should be that simple. Don't we all wish? It's not an unbelievable request. Love to all of you. 💜

[@shashamarie4760]

@@metalman3432 you should never feel that way. People who want to spend time with you make time. For those who don't let them go. I know it sounds cruel, or simple, but so true. I promise. Those who are supposed to come back will. I've seen it. So glad for those who've left, and blessed for those who've stayed. I pray for you. Love from CA. 💜🙏

[@cosmopolitanbay9508]

@@metalman3432 They may have been mistaken about you. Or you might have helped them out of liking you.

[@cosmopolitanbay9508]

@@metalman3432 It depends on the person, obviously, but if it is a persistent behavioural pattern, quite possibly, yeah. The cumulative effect of it. It comes off as needy and low value behaviour.

[@Atem_S.]

The answer is simple: BYE BYE!!! Ain't got time to waste with someone that is manipulating you into being clingy with them but the second you'll act like one, they will point it out and walk away!! GET RID OF APPLE!!! Stop acting like kids!

[@yeahthatsme921]

This shit so retarded why play the game? I like the pull back but that's it. Nothing else

[@basicinfo2022]

And then gaslight you about their manipulative behavior...

[@gerr2035]

I think most people who have demonstrated unending patience, don't want to either lose the relationship, fear the breakup, fear starting over, & are afraid to be alone and may not find someone else to love. I was too patient for too long and experienced everything you said. Finally, I left and did a happy dance. :)

[@basicinfo2022]

Abundance mindset is key.

[@sethtenrec]

@@basicinfo2022 not exactly in this case, when dating that’s absolutely true. This is more about taking care of yourself.

[@tghamilton1079]

Oh my goodness, Susan! I wasted so much time on a man for whom I was not a priority. He was always so busy and didn't have lot of time until it was time for me to do something for him. We spent time together, but it wasn't enough. Finally, out of frustration, hurt and frankly anger, I just walked away. When I found myself in a subsequent relationship that started going the same way, I walked away again faster and much sooner. Now, I am in a relationship with a great guy who wants the same level of commitment that I do. He has two jobs, but I have told him up front, "I need your time". Never again will I pour more into a relationship than what I get out. It's just not fair.

[@SusanWinter]

Awesome share, Titra. Thank you!! Happy for you both.

[@catlady715]

It's sad to read about other women who having similar situation to mine but it makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one going through this nonsense and there is hope.

[@mlovely9829]

💗💗💗 100%

[@chiaroo1058]

Me too. Seems like a story most women have one of. My ex actually responded in anger and hurt when I pointed out how much he bailed on me -- physically and emotionally. I was told I was too needy. I bought that narrative for two years. Now, for my sake, no more.

[@Justgirliethings6]

Amen. Thanks for sharing and God bless

[@jns0399]

The being silent... that’s exactly what my friends say to do. I shouldn’t say anything because it makes me look desperate. If I try and say something to him he gets irritated. He used to be so kind and passive. Now I just see passive aggressive. He’s loving the control now that I’m passive and he’s not. This gives me nothing but anxiety and sleepless nights. You are right Susan. It shouldn’t be this difficult

[@whiggygirl]

Did you manage to sort things out?

[@WatchtheWaters12]

JNS 03 I’m in the same boat and it sucks

[@angelbythewings]

Watch out for covert narcissism

[@angelbythewings]

@@diannewible3879 cool

[@jazzjo456]

@suny123boy1 Then they would be like "see, you are the problem. Busy picking fights with everyone" . With the friends i would say she needs to slowly wean them off to third tier friends/ acquaintances. Those aren't people you want around you but at the same time no need to create more drama.

[@lauramartinez5867]

Wooow this is heartbreaking but also soooo true. I've been playing the "cool nice girl always in a good mood" for a long time, doing the 80% of the work and trying to convince herself that she should be happy with crumbs. But i know i need to move on. Thank you for this video!

[@lovetrustandpixiedust]

SAME.

[@basicinfo2022]

Yes, stop being the "cool girl" when it's actually manipulating you to become a doormat...

[@johnnycalderon9951]

Wow KZbin knows exactly what I'm going thru. I just texted my ex becuz she keeps reaching out but wen I text bck she ingores me. I told her please leave me alone unless im a priority in her life. Alot of ppl might call me needy but the facts are that I need to be respected.

[@kitty1256x]

Well said!

[@alisaiful6717]

Correct action, bro

[@kaylasheppard7746]

That doesn't make you needy at all. Glad you realized your self worth

[@caswell62]

@nor htims Childish, selfish ppl.

[@caswell62]

Johnny, brother, you are spot on my friend. According to 20+ years of experiencing similar treatment,along with mucho grande' amt of listening, reading, studying,$eminars, & sleepless nights, I, myself, along with that book called.... what's it called? ... Oh Yea! I think they call it the Bible ( Lol), wholeheartedly concur in regards to your requiring RESPECT! RESPECT,Sex, companionship, domestic support, ( with " respect" being in the top place, by a landslide).... Respect is a need for a man, [&a woman also], just as much,if not moreso, than Love, security, & confidence that she ,( & her offspring, if there is any) is a definite & legitimate needfor her. Hang tough my friend 🙏.... I need to practice what I preach , myself!

[@jamieazalea685]

After a year and a half of wishy washy and inconsistent communication with someone, I finally told him it felt too difficult to remain in contact and try to be friends. He agreed. I deleted him from my contacts list and blocked him from all forms of communication! In the end, it didn't matter what he said or offered to try and keep me interested anymore. All that mattered is how I felt. And I felt like shit, having stomach aches and anxiety, feeling hurt that he was avoiding me and confused that he also claimed to want connection. We were not even a couple.... I knew I was not a priority and I trained myself to make him a non-priority too, but it was a painful process and I do not recommend it. I really wanted to believe that we could be friends, but it was too much of a struggle.

[@josefhospital]

Same experience, best you did was cut it off.

[@shinyvalley5145]

Oh my it’s like your speaking with my words. After all of that I’m torn between whether to keep him as the friend he was before or simply ignore him and lose our old time friendship after he disrespected my feelings

[@morra_morra_]

I am in the same situation!

[@delilah1479]

Jamie; I am going through the same thing now.....Agreed, I could never be "just friends" with this guy.

[@julianodessa4720]

After finding myself doing this, I came up with the rule "If it isn't f*** yes, it's f*** no". No room for ambiguity, which really helps when you're trapped in a whole lot of feelings. If their response is anything less than a solid yes, then that's fine, but they can figure themselves out away from me. They can approach me again at a later date if they like, but I'm not putting my life on hold for someone who isn't respecting me. It can be a hard one to implement, especially when you have strong feelings, but this kind of healthy boundary saves a lot of long-term heartache!

[@lovelyjoy.01]

Thank u susan... I am my own priority now that i let that dead weight go, I've been very content the last month did it hurt "yes" , however I'm too old for games and looking for someone with real intentions

[@penelopeplimsoul3617]

Yes, I'd have to agree with the trend in dating. We're expected to be agreeable, flexible, nice, etc. Those qualities are great if we're not doormats. I finally had to say what my needs were. Never heard from him again. I lamented for a month. Met him online. He's still using some 6 year old photo! What was I thinking?! Lol. 😂 Love your vids. I'm always learning. ❤

[@katherinegoodacre9519]

Appalling!!! My Blessings to the Client who is Fighting Stage 4 Cancer!!! "Every Moment is Precious". I believe in Results for any Aspect in my Life.

[@SusanWinter]

Thanks Katherine. This client is really an incredible human being (in every way).

[@Tanyalapatrone]

I have been there and I finally just walked away. No time for it anymore. I felt unappreciated, was a non priority and was being taken for granted.

[@jjuniper274]

I wish they would just be honest and let the other one go.

[@RG-hf4et]

j juniper It's called "They want their cake & eat it, too". Very selfish behavior.

[@namastewellness]

Sometimes we have to set ourselves free.

[@ladennayoung2939]

Yep they are being selfish.

[@devikapattanshetti1120]

This guy let me go... told me things with honesty..

[@ivanafox4433]

I am exactly like you described. Like ohhh I understand and I don’t want to pressure you. It hurts a lot deep down.

[@audreymcbee5008]

Unrequited love I’m so fed up with it all!

[@cherylcuttineau7916]

I had to listen to this THREE times and will probably listen again because it is so much common sense! Why do we lose our minds when we fall in love? Oy!

[@ezgicetin5855]

I learn a lot from you and get very confident in dating. Like I have this "if you don't have emotional depth then go away" attitude about me now. Thanks Susan, you're the best ❤️

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you!! Love your comment.

[@roxanneeverett]

That is a good way to put it..." Emotional depth"....wish I could find someone with this characteristic....

[@JonathonDenson]

This is great advice if your partner is not too aloof or confusing to invite direct communication. Unfortunately, I am learning that the game some people play has to do with withdrawing communication.

[@Aariyan096]

Jonathon Denson So people like that go ghost momentarily until we pull away and move on?

[@Mimi-qt7hy]

Direct to the point is a must. Yep, we have to be the brave one. If they go ghost (physically or emotionally) or refuse engaging then the action/decision is on you. Choose life.

[@cherylcuttineau7916]

I am learning that a lot of bad behavior and games have spilled over from the internet chat rooms and online dating. Geesh!

[@Jessica-zf2df]

I wasted years afraid of losing what I never even had.

[@theperfectautumn8781]

"...The grains of sand are very few." Pearls, seriously!!

[@lindageiling5922]

I have never been a priority in any mans life. Even my ex husband never made me one. How can i trust anyone. I give my heart n make them a priority but i dont get it back. Now im afraid. I do feel that im not valued ever. I wasted so much time loving n not getting it back. My heart always broken. Loving shouldnt be this hard.

[@cloud-YNrEmailCloud]

Make yourself the best Version of yourself. Then people will come automaticly.

[@kitty1256x]

You just have to meet a lot of men and don't believe them until they consistently treat you well!!! Good luck!!!

[@Mari_Oh]

Make for yourself a full life with good friends, meaningful work, beloved interests, deep spirituality, and etc. Be happy, doing whatever makes you happy ( and I mean moral, legal stuff lol) If what makes you fulfilled includes a relationship and a family, that is fine -- but you have to stop expecting love, affection and attention (outside of the sex act) from a man. This is only given by men at the beginning of a relationship. Once you've been acquired by them, the reality of life is, it is over. So stop looking for love, attention and affection from men, unless you want to just engage in many short relationships your whole life. If you want the secuirity and stability of a long-term relationship, you have to be happy with 1. He works, 2. He doesn't cheat, and 3. He isn't abusive, because that's the best you can get from a man in reality world. Your meaning and fulfillment have to come from everything else. And there's a whole world of things to enjoy in this beautiful world!

[@irenecollo8170]

"loving them doesn't mean losing you" thank you susan. 💕

[@julieh1223]

I really appreciate how you follow your own instincts on how to build relationships. It beats fitting any mold. I’m 40, live in NYC and just left a 3 year dead end, casual relationship that I should’ve left within the first 3 months when I met him. All the information you need to know about someone, is there at the beginning if you pay attention. Your videos help gain a self empowering perspective. They help unscramble confusion. Thx!

[@k.w.1459]

Great info, Susan! I'd like to mention that children are far too often used as an excuse to push you away and keep you at a priority 2 or even P10 and if you aren't OK with it, you've got a problem and will "need to just get over it and understand". My opinion is your spouse is the cake, your children are the frosting. Prioritize your relationship. Your SO is supposed to be there when the kids go off to have their own lives.

[@SusanWinter]

Great point, KW. Thanks!

[@SharonShazzzaaaTaylor]

I found this yesterday as I was randomly looking for reassurance that I deserve better in my 10 month relationship, your message is so powerful I got up today and ended it, I deserve much better and I’m worth more than the scraps of affection he throws at me to keep me there, I’m hurting but I 100% know I’ve done the right thing and he is gobsmacked and dug a bigger hole with his initial response which confirmed it completely. Thank you for helping me see my own worth x

[@jromeo8247]

Its all about self love. And when we program our selves to accept less than, from others and make excuses for them. Ps your hair is gorgeous! Bella Donna!

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you!!

[@JenniferL555]

Umm I don't think he meant that kind of self-love, Incubus Rising. The kind he's talking about is not about entitlement. More like working one's tail off to be able to value oneself and have compassion for one's own shortcomings ~ in order to show up with self-worth and be capable of giving love with less concern about what is received in return...more or less unconditional love, as consistently as possible. When we can give from a full cup & feel abundant love without needing anyone else to validate our actual self-worth, rather than just wanting them to validate our thoughts and feelings on occasion, there is overflow from the cup that doesn't run dry. Receiving that quality of love will tend to open up a partner to give that person with the full cup what they want & need without that "cupholder" having to beg for it. The first step to self-love is setting boundaries against life's modern pressures to bleed oneself dry, by nurturing ourselves physically & emotionally without apology. "Securing our own oxygen masks first," if you will...because at the end of the day, we can't do much for anyone else if we have no reserves from which to keep on giving. I learned that from spending 15 years running myself into the ground until I could no longer maintain a normal degree of daily adult life activities (practically catatonic for months at the outset)...2.5 years into recovery & I've made progress but have a long way to go. I still struggle with allowing myself even basic necessities (like food, rest & recreation, etc.) sometimes, but I'm learning to consistently treat myself with love & not neglect myself. Today's self-love is about saying "enough is enough" to pressures when they consistently require more than we can sustainably give, & fighting our way into a lifestyle that feels more worth living, at whatever level we can create. Even small things can be a profound start, letting us work with guilt, shame, feelings of unworthiness until we know we deserve to have some degree of quality, joy, and influence over our lives. It's being able to say and actually believe "I am enough, as I am," even if only once...it's a profound experience that fortifies a person. We can add "AND I could use some improvement" to allow for healthy growth in life without feeling like we're being fake or coming from a place of shaming ourselves when setting growth in motion.

[@lorettaknoelk3475]

I saw a KZbin video about being The Cool Girl. You are The Cool Girl if you tolerate anything. The girl that agrees to situations and treatment that really they dislike but just want to be cooperative. The girl that lets a guy live the single life but giving him the benefits of a monogamous relationship

[@user-ji8ll1qn6o]

So cool girl = loser

[@lorettaknoelk3475]

@@user-ji8ll1qn6o 100%. The Cool Girl is a hot girl that tolerates any behavior from a guy

[@basicinfo2022]

Cool girl is code for doormat.

[@ipsygypsy16]

If KZbin had a 'love' reaction I would have given that for your video Susan

[@charlespaxson2679]

Thank you Susan. Your message lives on. I am pouring my heart to a person who ignores my notes. I feel insecurity fears by thinking that this person is a great match, that I won’t find another. I am asking myself why so fearful and I hope to better understand myself through this process of desire, claiming my space and probably moving onward.

[@ellewonderful7145]

You are so right susan. You are very calm thats why I like your channel. I am a 26 year old and the dating scene now in my area seems very.. muting as you say. I am ready to tale charge of my life even if it hurts

[@SusanWinter]

Thanks Elle.

[@ewoski]

This seems a lot like my current situation.. I feel like trying to communicate my feelings/issues will make me appear needy.. but the fact that I can’t do that makes it hard to act “normal”

[@sivan1342]

Ma man!! Same situation here

[@j.m.8761]

I just left my partner of 4 years after spending 8 months of trying to make things work and learn how to handle being a non priority. I’ve been feeling guilty and hurting ever since but this video felt like a fresh breath of air! It’s hard to not feel bad and torture myself out of guilt but this put things in perspective. Odd how a video from someone you don’t even know can be so healing.

[@simangalisoncube8603]

This has taught me that when you find someone that really cares about you don't take them for granted.

[@kelpiegirl]

I did find myself doing all the work. Thankfully, that is over. I spent all this time trying to find out what was wrong with me...

[@tg6954]

You are such a wonderful dating coach! Your nuggets of advice are so valuable that I tend to learn a lot from your videos! Thank you for what you're doing for us! God bless you!

[@SusanWinter]

Thanks TG

[@chooselove4all574]

I wish I knew this 12 years ago before I met the man who taught me all this the hard way. I felt like you listed every mistake I lived through with such clarity. If people find your videos they stand a chance of not wasting as many years in mistakes as I did...

[@Mimi-qt7hy]

Chooselove 4all Been were you are.. be gentle and kind with your SELF... time is never wasted.. it helped bring awareness. It's an investment.. re write your story.. the end will be amazing.

[@chooselove4all574]

Thanks, that's such a positive message! Very encouraging... :)

[@muskeldeutsch4769]

This is the best speech about relationships, ever!!!! Thank you so much!!!!!

[@murie1504]

This is the best advice I have ever come across on KZbin!!!

[@SusanWinter]

Thanks Murtala!

[@SpaceCadet4Jesus]

Being easy going and putting my partners needs above myself (I'm secure), I became increasingly disappointed with being uncomfortable with the results of being priority #3, her dog and last 6 months of career came before. Trying to justify my uncomfortableness as a temporary feeling that would soon pass, it didn't as more avoidant signs were thrown at me. Later, she wrote an incoherent letter and more later a "Thank you card" for being a wonderful person and making a difference in her life. Literally, I treated her with respect, attention, had fun and I was still thrown out with the trash. Fearful avoidants... never again! (P.S. Agreed I'm naive about dating but I'm learning the signs of what to avoid to limit a bad partnership.)

[@gerr2035]

I wish I heard this 25 years ago.

[@Aichukdebbarman7838]

I found you like magic. I was just giving up on life thinking I'll never have a single person who will ever care for me. Thank u. U saved a life

[@Zinnia1234]

Non-priority is not a myth. In fact I am experiencing this right now. From what I have been told, this is a test to see if I will be too needy if the relationship moves to the next step. Although tests are not terrible things, this test is extremely painful and difficult to endure. I am already prepping myself for this relationship to end because I don’t know how long I will be able to be silent. And I know I will say something, then there will be a huge fight, and boom.. it’s over!

[@Confessions089]

Only people manipulating are testing. Don't ever forget that because once you know that, that's the one and they know it too then it's simple, not complicated.

[@Zinnia1234]

@@Confessions089 I’ve learned that people tend to forget that when they interact with someone online that there is actually a living, breathing, human being on the other side of that screen. People become insensitive, rude, disrespectful, dismissive, and uncaring about the fact that they could hurt others just out of spite. People like you lash out with anger irrationally just to ease your own mental pain. The fact that that I’m aware of what you’re doing allows me to step back, and not take it personally. I do, however, become concerned about your mental health, and the mental health of those you strike out at. … not everyone can handle heckling. Just maybe try to become aware of that.

[@stephanie5471]

I just discovered your great channel, and still wanted to leave a comment. This hits the nail on the head! I cannot tell you how much this resonates with me. I constantly feel like I'm in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation with my current partner. If I say something I feel like I'm being needy and impatient. If I keep quiet I feel like I give the impression that I don't care or that I'm a pushover. It drives me nuts! I should feel secure with a sense of purpose and direction and I'm not. Speaking up shouldn't be about constantly second-guessing how I feel and if I am entitled to this feeling of not being a priority. Thank you Susan for this great insight!

[@SinikkaShow]

Never again will I allow myself to feel this type of energy in a relationship. The last month before breaking up with my ex, I was anxious, I was feeling low bc he made me feel like I wasn't a priority. If I'm not worthy of your time, don't waste my time. 🖤

[@domt4588]

Thank you Susan! I spent so much time trying to feel comfortable in a relationship. I had many talks with him and told him how it made me feel. Instead of listening he got argumentative and made me feel like I was crazy. He ended things with me telling me that he would not have his emotions controlled by me anymore. I was shocked. I should have seen the red flags that he was still emotionally attached to ex wife. Can you speak on that? Men that are still emotionally attached to there ex. I would love that. Thank you!

[@ABirdOnTheMoon]

I love watching your videos. They help me process and understand my feelings at my previous relationship. I now realize that I actually was patient with being not a priority in my fiancé life. I even allowed him to have a time for himself to find his path in life while postponing our marriage plans. Now thinking of it, I was stupid because he wasn’t looking for a time to find himself but to run away from me. He always tell me that being who I am, makes him jealous or angry he’s not as good as I am. What a toxic relationship I was about to walk in.

[@brandonwilliams9686]

This is speaking to me right now with friendships. Because out of fear of drama and attention seeking, I suffered and settled. End up getting less than what I settled for

[@Cc-fj9bf]

Friendships are different though. They have no obligation to make you a priority. Especially as you get older with life’s priorities, such as your own family, relationship commitment and kids, let alone doing well in ur job , etc. friends should ever expect to be a main placeholder in someone’s life.

[@pam164]

I think when you do that you know if you put pressure on them they will leave i have done this loads of times, but i have done work on myself and no way would i put up with it now.

[@pam164]

Layla Reeves Hi yes there is the door if you don"t like it. They string you along when then seeing other women or looking for other women. So it makes you feel your a stop gab until something better' in there eyes'comes there way and your supposed to be quite and be happy your getting crumbs! No way am i putting up with that now am out of there first sign of oh am confused don't know what i want blah blah well they can't be confused any more because am not waiting around for them. Yes she really good and knows dating today is so hard esp if your a women over 45.

[@adj5767]

Layla Reeves there's a saying for this in my culture. 'if you want to kill a dog you first call it a bad name', tactic.

[@indigogray1644]

Why is it always the moment you move in together? Like suddenly, they’re a different person and you just feel tricked.

[@kitty1256x]

True. Or after getting married. Suddenly getting less attention from him.

[@fujimotochiaki2487]

Whoa .. that's scary and messed up at the same time! I hope you're both able to get out of those situations.

[@indigogray1644]

@@fujimotochiaki2487 I’m out and I’m happy, thank you.

[@fujimotochiaki2487]

@@indigogray1644 Glad to hear that!🤗💚Be blessed!

[@beetee7463]

Wow! This is exactly what I needed to hear today-exactly what I'm going through. Trying to force myself to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation :( Miserable

[@NibberKSmooth]

NEVER get taken advantage of. Leave if you are not a priority. By hanging around and hoping they contact you is foolish, stupid and desperate.

[@christya992001]

All I know is, there is this guy who says he has two jobs, known him for a while. Doesn't hold a conversation with me at all on phone, I tried texting him a couple of weeks ago to know what is this whole thing we are in, I know personally I don't like the arrangement. Which made me want to ask the age old question, who are you to me? Friends was his answer, me: that's what I wanted to know. Haven't heard from him since New Years. Don't know what friends that don't chat about anything. I know one thing friends with benefits isn't the way to go, and hooking with them isn't the answer either. Find the one who is worth your time and everything

[@shawnteldrake367]

This video was so amazing. Great info! I’ve been dealing with a man who doesn’t want to communicate and shuts down whenever we need to talk about our issues. I’ve given up. I can’t continue to be with someone that’s not giving any reciprocity.

[@rebeccajones8628]

THANK YOU! I am tired of all if those videos made by men telling us to settle and take s$^#

[@hadeeelj]

Thank you for giving me permission to recognize that my lack of comfort is not okay!

[@TheMagical1989]

I literally asked my mom today “is there something wrong with me for feeling like this? Do I have to just be “okay” with being less of a priority? .... you just answered my question Mam... thanks a lot... ❤️

[@alexvonmiller6423]

Thank you so much, Susan. I asked God to give me some clear guidance about love, and now your videos keep showing up on my feed. I would like to think that this is an answered prayer.

[@SusanWinter]

You are so welcome

[@johng.4959]

All I can say is- thank you, thank you, thank you for this great commentary! This message was conveyed in such clarity!!! Everything makes sense now and I should have walked a long time ago. When you have a partner that wants to be in your life, they will make it readily known through their communication. When everything is crumbling around you and they keep their distance and don't engage it means they just don't give a damn. It's best to just walk away with your head held high and don't get sucked into their narcissism. Lord knows I could have used this video years ago!!! Thank you for this marvelous content Susan!!! 👍

[@barrymcgahan692]

Wow, this video is exactly what I needed. Since a recent break up I've been tearing myself apart inside because I had so many insecurities and felt I made so many mistakes and beating myself up for feeling weak and that it was all my fault. I will be honest, some of it was my fault. Certain things I didn't handle in a very mature manner. Those things I admit to and feel some regret that they happened. But I often felt like I wasn't important to her at all. Some days she would completely ignore me and do whatever she pleased. And if I mentioned it, then I was whining and being needy. All this time I've been feeling so awful about myself for being needy and feeling like I didn't matter and being insecure and lacking confidence and I realize from this video that I felt those ways because she wasnt there for me half the time. Some days she was amazing and so kind and sweet. Other days I may as well have not existed. I thought it was me and my flaws, and I guess some of it was, but not all of it. I didn't feel safe with her because I wasn't safe. I was in. She wasn't. Only when she felt like it. Or so it felt to me. So hot and cold. It ended because she rejected me, stating I was just too insecure and needy for her. Which felt awful. Still does. But it definitely helps to know it wasn't all my fault. I tried and wanted to talk about a lot of things often but she wouldn't sit down at the table with me most of the time. When she did, she took what I said as jabs or me being weak and nothing got resolved. I definitely made a lot of mistakes. But she made it feel like it was all my fault. I guess to make it easier for her to walk away or feel better about herself, I dunno tbh. But it just hit me watching this video that she was never really in it with me. I was like full time and she showed up a few hours a week when she felt like it. Those few hours a week though were incredible, and that's why I didn't walk away, even though I should have several times. Thank you so much for this video Susan. Wonderfully comforting in a very tough time.

[@Seven.And.The.RaggedTiger]

I'm in this situation,married for 21yrs,together for 28yrs,my wife as of April 2020 is back and forth with me,and at times literally takes no time to spend together when we have that time,or she isolates herself away upstairs in the bedroom on her days off work(ive been sleeping on the couch) and she works Friday-Sunday and comes home from work,says she's tired,"goodnight" and goes upstairs to bed,im desperately trying to reconnect(we've had soo many years together) but I really don't know what to do.. I dont want to loose my wife,but at the same time she doesn't seem to be even trying,she's still here,but not here if that makes sense.. I dont see much of her and when she is I try to hang out and talk to her only to get "you're hovering".. im not hovering,just hanging out to have a conversation or something,anything.. I don't know what to do

[@breakingbombast4439]

If this is true in one’s case: what’s the best way to remove yourself from the situation? Ghosting then, ending it outright?

[@anonymousbee]

this is one of the best advices I've ever heard. So much love for you. Thank you Susan 😍🤗

[@majab612]

One of the best videos on relationships I ever saw!! What a powerful message!! Glad I've found your channel!

[@sofsofsof84]

Thanks susan.. im so sick of seeming to be greedy of wanting a bit more than being sent breadcrumbs...

[@asoh6256]

Hey Susan , i don't miss my ex anymore but i still have some of the results of what happened (after math of betrayal,lies,rejection) ,it is effecting my new relationships as well my ex was like my abusive father which makes me afraid that any new partner would be the same

[@missm.2537]

Thank you, Susan. Your words are gold. You are such a mother figure to me, you wisdom just blows my mind and you have an answer to my every question. I wish I could find your channel much earlier before I made all the typical mistakes with that toxic person. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I just realised how stupid I was in my previous relationship absolutely blinded by my partner, where I was exactly "trying to feel secure in an insecure situation" and oh god what a stressful relationship it was. Trying not to overcrowd him with my reactions while he didn't care and just kept feeding me with the reasons to stay insecure about this whole relationship thing. I definitely gave him the power in the relationship when I was trying to act nonchalant when actually I was forcing myself act secure and chill. "Trained to be mute" - so well said...The thing is to learn to stand for what you want and not loose yourself and your personality (which might be the reason why the fell for us in the first place) while actually trying to make this relationship comfortable for the partner. I felt like I almost lost myself in that relationship the further it went...Thank you, Susan, again, you an amazing woman!

[@lana_lanita]

Thank you so much! I rarely comment on videos like this, but your words are so right…I’m gonna watch this video everyday because I need a reminder that I’m important because for a few months I feel like I’m worth nothing. I hope I will heal

[@HisaLight2mypath]

I just keep my mouth shut and think to myself "any loving is good loving so I'll take what i can get...

[@5musictomyears5]

This was my exact situation in my most recent relationship in which he ended up breaking up with me last week because he couldn't make me a priority. Thank you so much for this video and your inspiring words. I will go into every new relationship remembering this.

[@luciapalcikova]

I have so many questions and I feel like I am not getting the answears and not knowing is the most terrible feeling i could possibly have - not to understand the problem. To clarify, I think things could eventualy be easy in a sense that two people with good chemistry are enjoying each other, a problem comes -we give solutions (sooner or later)and we go on. Easy to write.... everytime it comes to the action - I meet someone, problem aprears and the partner leaves with no rational explanation. And I am not even talking about problems which could come from marriadge and having babies... i am talking about literaly childish events... it is ridiculous, honestly.... i have noted that man I meet are nice, attractive and warm hearted ... until... until we do not reveal some inner pain or something that was sleeping inside of our soul for some time and I (magicaly) am aleays seeing these wounds and than I realize he is not calling me because he is simply too busy hiding his pain home alone probably drinking or swiping right or keft knowing that nothing will come out of it but it is easier to run away than to face yourself.. The question remains: why do I alwasys attract same kind of man ... also, we could leave this is blank because eventually we all have some emotional wounds so there is always some conflict the difference between succesful couples and broken couples is that they work on it. Why is it so hard to find an attractive man who understands this simple rationale. I am sad trully. I am dissapoimted from the fact that we teach to be like Jesus ( depending on religion) but the man is only good for a golden cross in a church... for any other thing you need a real man/woman. Sorry for grammar. I know he is somewhere there doing something which would not five him half of joy comparing to being together but still... he feels ofended or im pain or whatever and must be a masochist to be enjoyimg himself hurt. Man wake up. You could simply show a bit of vulnerability instead of hiding behind bottle of wine, overworking, or any other whatever you believe is good while your woman is thinking about you...

[@kittybumbum5988]

It's suppose to be that we're in our feminine energy to "lean back". To be soft. Non aggressive action. No one is putting ourselves as human first. So much ghosting is being just accepted! I'm calling bullshit on that!