Asking People's Pronouns Can Out Them Without Their Consent

Lately I have seen people normalizing the practice of asking people their preferred pronouns in public settings, like in front of a large group of people the person doesn't know. I explain that this can put some trans and nonbinary people on the spot, forcing them to choose to out themselves by revealing their preference, or lie and say something else. Sometimes, hesitation or confusion in response to the question might out them without their consent.
For these reasons I think it is a best practice to ask people pronouns individually, and discreetly, such as in private.
I especially want us to question the practice which some colleges or univeristies have been embracing or normalizing, which is the asking of pronouns in public settings such as a professor doing it in class or an orientation activity prompting students to do it in front of others.

[@MAMorelli]

This is why I refer to everyone as they/them and I think we need to start doing it as a social convention.

[@AlexZorach]

I like that, and it's not too far from the current practice of people doing it for people they don't know and don't see (and thus don't know their gender.) It seems a logical way to generalize the idea of not assuming people's genders, to people we have actually seen in person too.

[@Nikku4211]

I don't know what the fuck to do, then. I guess I'll just not talk to these people in public completely.

[@anonimatovato8384]

As I gay man I sometimes get this too. I have a bit of that 'pretty' look sometimes. I don't feel the need to out myself all the time though, especially if I'm in a bad setting or neighborhood. Complete strangers needing to know my sexuality out in the open all the time is what I consider in bad taste. Sadly I've gotten in the habit of double checking my surroundings, before I do anything.

[@Aaron-sy5yx]

Interesting perspective. I had never considered that before. I think it should be acceptable to assume another person's pronouns based on their outward appearance and then course correct when corrected by them. I think balance is necessary on all sides. People assume my race all the time and I have never once gotten upset. If when corrected, the person still refuses to use the pronouns, then I can more understand the person being upset. The only issue I have for the use of they/them is that it's confusing to use a plural pronoun to refer to a singular. lol. They're coming for dinner. How many? Just one. ;-)

[@n.c.435]

yes!!!! people will ask me for my pronouns when we're in public and i'm like,,, can you maybe Not Do That,,, like i get theyre trying their best but yeah it's definitely better to ask in private

[@soldierinsane2689]

I'm glad I saw this, I was looking up things about consent, and I never ran into this issue before, I will oblige by these words

[@tamparockout17]

I was watching hood prank videos, how TF did this come up in the queue.

[@AlexZorach]

Haha, wow that's utterly bizarre. KZbin's algorithm can make some really weird mistakes sometimes. I generally assume that if I let it autoplay stuff, I'm gonna get something terribly off-topic sooner or later.

[@acd96digital]

I don't understand how this could turn into an issue. I never have misgendered people because I never use pronouns unless I'm talking about someone in the third person which I never do if that individual is in the room as that is rude.

[@AlexZorach]

You'd be surprised how often people use third-person pronouns in front of a person. For example, I'm at the store and I ask someone: "Do you have another case of this in the back?" and the employee yells back to the other employee: "Hey, this person wants a case of X, can you check for (third-person-pronoun) if we have any?" You may not notice how often this happens because you aren't misgenderd or you don't have people use pronouns that strike you as jarring. Because people routinely use he, she, and they pronouns when referring to me, it can be slightly jarring and I tend to notice it more. You may even be using pronouns in front of people without conscious awareness of it. It's not always rude. It's common whenever you turn away from one person to address another person in a situation of relaying information. It's also common when announcing or introducing someone in front of others, or even just casually in a group conversation when you are telling a story involving another person present.

[@acd96digital]

@@AlexZorach Fair enough. I think what I was trying to say is I came to know many trans people in my adult life and I never misgendered them myself because I never talked about them in the third person. I think what I was trying to say really is that those who moan that their speech is infinged because they are forced is pure propaganda from my experience because I almost never use thirdperson pronouns in front of that person. I was not trying to make you feel invalidated in your struggle.

[@sylviaodhner]

I think i had a misconception about pronouns before I watched this video. I assumed that if someone shares their preferred pronouns without any specifications, it means they want to be outed to everyone, because if I use those pronouns around everyone I know, it's going to have that effect.

[@AlexZorach]

A lot of trans people feel this way...but it's complex, and I have met a number of trans people who want to use their preferred pronouns in some social circles, but may not be out to others (both including parents or people who know them from earlier, and also including broader social circles where there is more likely to be rampant transphobia). I have explicitly had people tell me things like: "You can refer to me by these pronouns in any setting you think is comfortable such as this group, that group, or any people you know to be okay with these things, but not outside of those groups." I have also known people in a period of questioning to experiment with having a small group of individuals privately refer to them by certain pronouns. I think that in the long-run, as we continue to root out transphobia and binarism or negativity towards nonbinary people from our society, these things will become less of an issue. For now though, I think it's important to be mindful of these things. When someone tells me their pronouns, especially if the pronouns conflict somewhat with cultural views of their presentation (i.e. I know random people are likely to assume different pronouns), I like to follow up by asking them how open they are about these pronouns. For trans people who seem to conform to expectations enough that they are unlikely to get other pronouns from random strangers, it's less of an issue. Usually what I tell people for myself, I prefer they/them and I'd prefer people to use they/them when referring to me, except if they're in a setting where they think doing so could harm me or them, for example, in a setting where people are openly hostile towards nonbinary people or towards people who use they/them pronouns. Or if you think it's distracting or hurting you, like if people start arguing with you about the pronouns and it's opening you up to negativity, you can drop it then, and you can refer to me however you think is best or easiest in these settings.