How To Deal With Loneliness And Autism (coping strategies and advice for dealing with loneliness)

[@marktunnicliffe2495]

"Often I don't want to talk, I just want to be around other people"!! That sentence is so profound & describes me perfectly. I feel comfort with company and do not necessarily feel the need for conversation.

[@dambigfoot6844]

On the other hand it kind of ruins self esteem. There have been countless schoolmates and coworkers I’ve seen for months and months but don’t even have a greeting relationship with. There still is a desire to be social for many on the spectrum but if people never initiate the conversation with you it kind of becomes too long and anxious for you to start it. I’ve found that neurotypicals find this more strange than we do but they deal with this strangeness by talking about you as soon as you leave the room or think you can’t hear them.

[@marktunnicliffe2495]

@@dambigfoot6844 Yes, for sure!! I should have added the caveat that this is how I feel around family, close friends and people I have become (almost) completely comfortable around. As you say, I have neighbours & people I see most days (local shop workers) and the like. That I have never spoken to and it gets to the point where I become uncomfortable/anxiety ridden whenever I see them. Sometimes to the point that I actively avoid such situations completely.

[@HigoIndico]

I stopped going to this open group where people with mental health problems meet, when they were all agreeing that it's unkind to sit by yourself, doing your own thing and not have conversation with everyone else. I just can't stand the ableism in that.

[@HigoIndico]

'rude, 'impolite, ' inconsiderate... One of those words was what I was looking for but used 'unkind.

[@Ghosts_in_the_Attic]

I love talking as a means to connect to others, my language skills and comprehension are one of my biggest strengths, but I use it purposefully and with direction. I don't generally feel good with pointless chatting, "small talk" or whatever you want to call it.

[@americanladybug3354]

I'm 44 and given up on having any friends. I have animals to keep me company. Autism is a very lonely life. I've never fit in anywhere.

[@cristinagarcia9971]

You are not the problem they are I'm sure you could fit in lots of places!!! I'm sure there is someone out there for you 😀

[@PunkMartyr]

I am not autistic but I do have OCD, ADHD and other conditions. Humans in general are self centered and selfish. I have had three friends with autism and observed their struggles. Current friend suffers from Loneliness, Impatience and Missing Social Queues. I am an extreme introvert due to extreme childhood situations that probably should not have happened. He asks to talk or hang out every day. I have tried to set boundaries numerous times. I am close to telling him I am only available one day a week but have concerns that there isn’t a way to do this that won’t harm his self esteem. One thing I don’t get about people with autism is why you don’t set rules to manage the poor social skills. I am not autistic but have other conditions. I have set several rules to make socializing work for me.

[@spicybiscuit88]

@@PunkMartyr hi- I am autistic. I think social skills are such a huge complex thing - they are an art really, so although I try to remember rules, theres only so many tiny rules you can learn and retain. Especially if, like me, you also have ADHD. I think its possible that your friend just hasnt realised that you dont have time to see him every day, and that you prefer to see your friends less frequently. Its sometimes best to gently spell things out. You could say 'I enjoy meeting up, but I am really busy at the moment, and only have time (or energy) to meet up with my friends every month or so.' This has a reassuring element, is straight forward, and probably wont feel too personal. 🙂

[@PunkMartyr]

@@spicybiscuit88 the meaning of life is love. Thank you for your kind response.

[@spicybiscuit88]

@@PunkMartyr You're welcome 🙂 💛

[@Cherrycreamsoda1]

Yesterday a girl at my work asked if I was working tomorrow, and I said yes, in the evening, she said “that’s a shame I’m doing lunch.” Even small words like that can have the magical effect of making one feel wanted when your self esteem is at its lowest.

[@lindsayriley5818]

Did you mean to write your last name ? Or are you just rude as !! Don’t come here being disrespectful… either listen and be kind … or do one ! Got it

[@KAT-dg6el]

@@lindsayriley5818 😂 Who made you god? And what cracks me up is how rude you’re being. One finger pointing out three fingers pointing back. The disturbing part is how controlling you are.....Got it.

[@turtleanton6539]

Cool

[@starvideoproduction2045]

Lucky you. I've never had a woman ask me out.

[@Cherrycreamsoda1]

@@starvideoproduction2045 I am a girl as well, and I’m pretty sure she was straight, so it’s probably a platonic thing. Don’t feel bad, I’ve never been asked out either 😅

[@1legend517]

The problem with having autism is that you're an intelligent, kind, honest, reasonable, empathetic, understanding and compassionate person in a world full of exactly the opposite. And they treat us like we're "broken".

[@Moshimulations]

Indeed, people are so hostile when they hear you have autism or seem different. It can get daunting for many people to reach out due to this sort of behaviour which is thankfully rotting away and lessening. But for many people this sort of behaviour still exists, which is when Autistic people become desprate for help and literally all they have is their parents or all they had if they have passed away already. Autistic people are more prone to attacks such as stabbings and stuff since they want to help others, they are also more prone to panic attacks as well as suicide attempts. We try to prove to the world whom we are, we try to be our best people, we try everything to benefit others but since we are so selfless in this selfish world we tend to be abused.

[@knockedoutloaded279]

So true...men need gfs..not groups or therapy..or advice

[@1legend517]

@@knockedoutloaded279 Exactly. You can't replace friendships, relationships, children and companionship with talk therapy and medication and these "experts" wonder why we're depressed. They seriously don't get it. If they lived the isolating lives that we do, they wouldn't survive a week.

[@1legend517]

@@knockedoutloaded279 I honestly feel like I'm one of these leftover guys. Just the scraps that nobody wants. I feel like guys like me don't get to have a family of their own.

[@TheRisingStorm316]

I’m autistic, I’m 20, and I’ve been betrayed by over 200 people, and I’ve been struggling to find a gf for three years straight, and God has not given me a single break because I’m not important to anyone. It doesn’t help that certain dickheads poke at my past-relationship trauma, which is very serious for me. This explains my various off-the-charts levels of toxicity and anxiety along with a long-ass grudge list. I’m easily angered, and I hate being like this. I hate being unimportant. I especially hate all the people who don’t understand, and I hate those who provoke my trauma. No clubs are near me, no friends are near, and I am incapable of holding a job because of this. I am short on time, and I am always forced to walk through all Twelve Hells and back just to even get one small thing in my life, because that is how I am treated by this universe. Few but strong is not enough at all, I always get the short end of the stick. I’ve gotten the short end of the stick all my life and I am reconsidering being a good person. Being the “good guy” in any situation ends up with me in trouble, hence my toxic and corrupted personality grid. The right people do not exist on this Earth, and if this is my destiny to be alone, then so be it. I don’t care anymore. I can just marry one of my own robots instead of a human because humans are often such incompetent beings. I can’t connect to anyone. I have enough boys, God won’t listen because I want a girl to be with me and nobody has love for me because they’d rather be with a drug lord or some shit instead of a respectful person like me. They all run because I am 6 foot 6, like come on I’m not motherfucking Godzilla. I cannot be with anyone because they always betray me, especially girls. This is where I draw the line with the human race, because I am hated more than I am loved. Fuck this world, fuck humans, and fuck my destiny.

[@rubycubez1103]

You have a way of describing exactly how I feel. I don't want to be the center of the attention and bombarded with questions. I just want to feel like I belong without feeling pressured to say anything.

[@annemichaels5368]

Yes!

[@Florian78]

Oh yes! I'd love that too.

[@joycebrewer4150]

I 💯% agree Ruby C. ‼️‼️

[@lilycat1694]

That’s the hard part. Feels like I have nothing to bring to the table, so to speak. I need people, except being around them is unfulfilling because of the lack of connection.

[@elizabethCorkins83]

👍🏻

[@melvamelendez9817]

I recently discovered that farmers markets are a great place to socially connect. People (vendors) WANT to talk to you, even if you don't buy something and you don't stand in the path of a buying customer, they are happy to have you stop by. The nice thing is that it is a short-term interaction - you can break it off when you want (politely, I've learned)and just walk away. No one feels offended and you can stop at another vendor for another short-term contact. It's actually pretty emotionally refreshing because you are exchanging smiles.

[@franchescairby4834]

"Most people think that when you want company, you want to talk. Often, I don't want to talk, I just want to be around other people, and to feel like I'm part of the group, and that they care about me. But they think, well, she's not talking back, she must want to be left alone. That's the opposite of what I want." YES!! HOW DO PEOPLE NOT GET THIS??

[@autumn5852]

Same 😢

[@moonchildren8362]

Ik right

[@turtleanton6539]

Agreed

[@dambigfoot6844]

100% I want to feel like part of the team with greetings but still want alone time. I sort of overanalyze social situations especially greetings and it hurts when I see for example person 1 walk all around the workplace greeting person 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and skip 7 even when I make eye contact and greet person 8, 9. New employees showered with love and made to feel like part of the team but me I am ostracized

[@foljs5858]

What if THEY want someone to talk to when they want company? So it's not about not getting it, it's about each side not getting what it wants. And the other side is more numerous

[@JadeRadcliff1992]

3 min in and crying at your explanation of just wanting to feel included and part of the group even if I’m not talking. Like the value of that to me, there’s no words. To feel part of a group is more important to me than literally anything.

[@GriefTourist]

The way people are nowadays I don't really envy those with lots of 'friends' it seems having friends involves lots of drama and insincerity

[@sarahkelly4026]

As someone who had friendships before social media and broad Internet use, I can confirm. I miss phone calls. There I said it.

[@DrsJacksonn]

People only have 2 or maybe 3 actual friends at most anyway. That so called "group of 10 friends" they have is all fake.

[@language-n-learning]

"Drama and insincerity". That pretty much sums it all up. I'd rather have a pet or just be alone. Also, I love languages, so besides teaching English, which is my job, I take online 1-to-1 lessons with a Korean tutor and a Spanish tutor. It's better and more productive than going through the ordeal of trying to find a "friend." Cheers.

[@spacemaster8831]

I can also confirm. There isn't really much point, although I do have two aspergers friends so that helps

[@Kyle_00]

Yea, having a small close knit group of 2-4 ppl is all you need really.

[@morris2755]

I go to the pub late afternoon/early evening with my dog for an hour or so. She does all the talking with the staff and other customers for me so that I get chance to be present among other people without having to interact too much (and mainly when the subject of conversation is dogs which I can do). I then go home before it gets crowded/noisy. I live in a friendly village and no-one seems to mind.

[@misst1586]

They probably love petting your dog.

[@glitterballz101]

sounds idyllic

[@mrs.g.9816]

That's great! A good idea to have a dog and get out to the pub. I live in a friendly rural town. (Used to live in a huge, crowded and noisy city before I retired, which was not good.) Last Friday I walked to the farmer's market held every week on the town's park. I made myself go there, and I'm glad I made the effort. I bought a few foods, and chatted with some vendors and a guitarist my age who played for the visitors. When I started getting that embarrassed/panicky feeling, that's when I left for home.

[@brucedanton3669]

You are so right really I am sure of course!!

[@brucedanton3669]

Thank you indeed for that!!

[@MintyRoseYT]

Starting a garden has been the best thing for my mental health and coming back to earth!

[@buttercxpdraws8101]

Burned big time. Repeatedly. Now absolutely satisfied in the company of animals.

[@Osiris-wm2kj]

I was about to comment something like that but you pretty much took the words out of my mouth 🤣 its comforting knowing that others feel that way also. Animals cant betray and judge like people can 🤷🏾‍♂️

[@danceswithcarsdc]

@@Osiris-wm2kj snarl sure can, just bitchin/ etc

[@mollyjane4628]

Oh! Me too! My pets love me, but it sure would be nice to have a human who loves me unconditionally.

[@danceswithcarsdc]

@@mollyjane4628 Unconditionally would be a stretch for humans... Seems like an unreasonable demand for the species...

[@d2.024]

I made friends with a horse. I bring her carrots.

[@leeohare6344]

I am 55 and after a bust family life and work life am finding that much of it was 'masking', and now that what I am left with is autism. I really enjoy having people around but live alone now, it is so difficult. I have contacted the National Autism society in the UK, and hopefully they can help as loneliness and longing for connection can be so overwhelming and is really having a strain on my life. Thanks for the video, Im going to try hard this year to become involved in different things.

[@sarahkelly4026]

"If I'm closed off like a rock ..." It just occurred to me that my default demeanor could be seen as someone using the grey rock method. That must be infuriating for someone genuinely trying to connect. Great video!

[@ladyamalthea3218]

@Maria Lindell gosh i feel you so much !

[@ladyamalthea3218]

@Maria Lindell Thank you . Doing what i can here in Quebec. One day at a time. My psychologist is doing good and she's helping me accepting my new autistic condition. Still much work to do. Like you said , i won't give up even tho it can be rough sometimes. Thank you again and sorry for my english.Take care.

[@hgzmatt]

I have a friend who is like this.. but I think it's more of a protective mechanism in his case. He has a mask of indifference and some arrogance coupled with it.. that is really just covering up his insecurity. It's interesting though.. his mood is always very shallow in the sense that he never gets overly excited but also rarely agitated over anything.

[@danatrick4868]

I don't mind being alone but isolation is the biggest problem I face. I do wanna talk and hang out with my few friends, I just wanted to included and be allowed to say whatever I want to say while my frequent silence be accepted.

[@michaeldonald5763]

I enjoy being alone but not being lonely

[@queenneurotica4591]

It’s that sense of belonging that’s the key antidote for loneliness.

[@justinw8370]

I am afraid of being seen as stupid when I talk so it usually gets in the way, which definitely contributes to my loneliness

[@r5514-z7n]

I picked up on the fact that you need to let the person you love know you're there for them. Checking up on them just to remind them that you are there. I appreciate that piece of advice. I never would have thought about it without listening to your video.

[@kajielin4354]

"some people just keep busy to avoid having the time to think and feel" .. and here I am watching tons of stuff on youtube while doing everything, just to not hear my head.

[@mochipii]

Apparently not talking while in a group is a mood killer for everyone else. They would say, "well, why are you here if you're just gonna be quiet?" So, for the normal people, you have to be all or nothing when it comes to human interaction.

[@davidmunoz4022]

I've had experiences like that, but then I've had other experiences in which only by being there people appreciate my presence, that's the kind of group that is worth the effort. Some others prefer to point out and say "you've been too quiet", as accusatory as it can sound, sometimes it comes from a place of wanting you to be comfortable enough to participate, because to NTs that's how you show you have a great time. A good and comprehensive group will understand if your participation is minimal, even more if you disclose, but I understand that is not always the case.

[@danceswithcarsdc]

Try theatre, the roles there are more explicit. Here is the script... Beware of breaking the 4th wall... The audience is expected to be quiet, perhaps except applause but that's not really required. In an autie friendly environment hand waving like deaf is preferred.

[@Cherrycreamsoda1]

I haven’t found this is always the case, especially in larger groups

[@manuelmanzanero5057]

No. That is not a specific feature of human interaction in general but, as you said in the first paragraph, of group interaction in particular. A group works over a set of unspoken and generic rules that are imposed on all participants, and equalize them: a group imposes certain forms and contents of verbal communication that everyone must follow, and pressures those individuals who have atypical ways of interacting, or who do not move in the areas of interest that unite and equalize the other members of the group. Interacting with a single person (or 2, 3 people) allows us to negotiate with them: we can make them understand what our interests are, what bothers us, how we understand words and silences. That is to say: with a single person (or with two or three) there is a margin to establish the rules of the dialogue in a comfortable way both for them and for uss. With a group, on the other hand, you cannot negotiate, because it has pre-established rules. A group is a phagocyte: it devours everything that refuses to be assimilated by it.

[@verabolton]

mochipii, if they ask you "why are you here if you are quiet" - then you are in a wrong group. Choose your friends carefully. I have positive experiences: when I am able to communicate my needs, most people understand. There might be some odd ones who desperate to involve me but I just reassure them with thanks that I wanted to be left alone in the group. But if I face rudeness or repeated harassment, I leave.

[@BullScrapPracEff]

One thing to remember is that some people you've been connected to are still not good for you. As hard as it is to maintain relationships, sometimes the people that stay need to go. The movie Moscow on the Hudson kind of hits home when the main character is talking about his loneliness being his friend...

[@TheWriterOnFire]

Yeah it makes me really sad to think about the last person I felt connected with bc they went on to be really mean and I ended our friendship because of it. :/

[@annemichaels5368]

Yeah, the saying, "You've got to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince" applies to friends/family/support people/partners as well. A reason, a season, or a lifetime. Very few lifetimers out there. But that's okay. It's a bit easier when you don't expect much, if anything. That way, if the reason extends to a season .. bonus. A lifetime ... great. But if they just float through my life for whatever reason then I'm not as disappointed because I didn't count on them staying to begin with.

[@MoPrinceofpersia]

@@annemichaels5368 it's sad but I agree with you.

[@friendlynomad9840]

I don't have autism and all of this advice is fantastic and relatable. Thank you for sharing.

[@ddpwe5269]

wowa, this is trippy.....does anyone else have the video lighting dimming brighter/darker?

[@flamegarden]

Yeah, when he moves, might be the auto record settings.

[@M_K-v4e]

It's great to see other people experiencing the same phenomenon. It's so lonely otherwise at times even with the irony of not wanting to seek connection through verbal communication.

[@annemichaels5368]

Yeah, I would rather text or hang out doing non verbal activities than talk.

[@Crouteceleste]

This is a good topic, I remember being freshly out of a controlled environment (boarding school) to do a traineeship in a city far away from home, and I was living in the middle of nowhere just 2 mn away from my place of training without any contacts with my family or places to visit like museums or shopping malls, anything really. I felt so desperately lonely. I feel it would have been MUCH better with a pet, now I cannot live without one of my own like a therapy pet. Even when I'm not living alone. When my cat died I had to adopt another pet a few months later so I adopted a bunny, and he's even better for autistic people because he needs a strict routine (morning opening of enclosure, food at precise times, regular hay and water, hugs&kisses times for his own mental wellness, bedtime closing of enclosure, cleaning of enclosure every 2/3 days), which in turn makes me have a routine. Also nature is very important for mental well-being, even 5 mn walking on grass under trees alleviates bad feelings for the whole day, like I did today which was a very crappy day…

[@hisnewlife3543]

15 years ago, I was on a swim team at my college. The coach was awesome and hard. The team was united in pushing harder. So, I got to be outside in the sun, with a team, getting exercise and didn't have to be in an awkward social exchange because my face was mostly under water, but we still felt connected cheering each other on. That was great and the other thing that made me feel connected was being a ballet dancer and working for that goal. Also, in ballet you dont talk at all. You just dance and train. But somehow I felt connected.

[@annemichaels5368]

Those are both great suggestions

[@Lotusblume.8]

I would love to join the Facebook group but I’m not on Facebook. Is there another way to connect without it?

[@LadyMiner100]

I feel more lonely when in a group then when I'm alone. When in a group I have no interest in chit-chat, and they have no interest in more in-depth discussion. I do enjoy working in a group with a common job, like cleaning a park or decorating for a Christmas party; I can be with them, but don't need to talk. The idea of writing a life is rather mind blowing...I never thought of approaching it that way.

[@brizagella3600]

I have had an autistic friend since childhood and the reason why our friendship works is that we don't have the expectations of each other that neurotypicals have of each other. We don't see each other for long periods at a time and still feel connected to each other. And when we do see each other we waste no time on small talk and talk about our interests instead. I wish I could have more friendships where there is no pressure to behave like a neurotypical.

[@Clueless2019]

I am NOT on the spectrum; i love someone who is...And i happen to know something about loneliness...Suffice to say, the best antidote to loneliness is WONDERFUL PEOPLE and WONDERFUL ACTIVITIES...This is how i survived singlessness for appx 5 decades...Love your videos...YOU ARE SO-O-O (EMOTIONALLY) INTELLIGENT...THANK YOU for sharing your knowledge about ASD and your personal experience...Greetings from California where the Sun spends the winter...😉

[@abhinav_photo.and.linguistics]

I have ASD and my (not on the spectrum) girlfriend watches these too. This guy is amazing

[@princesspikachu3915]

I have ASD but my husband does not. I also have a daughter who I don’t think is on the spectrum but does have certain behaviors that make me wonder... She “hand flaps” when both happy and upset and she also does this thing where she “rock-a-slams” her body on the couch when happy and listening to music. She is really friendly with people but I have noticed that she is selective in that regard. Sometimes she smiles and talks to people in the store and other times she just gives them “the stare”. She has so many of my ways though because I was the same way and “selectively social”. She also seems more bothered by loud noises than I am.

[@danceswithcarsdc]

Good topic, many may think don't feel, burned by frenemies, etc

[@benwilliams9692]

I got very lucky finding a friend at work that was willing to recognize the things that made me unique and valued those things. We've talked a lot about connection and he intuitively understands that asking me to exist places with no other expectations is helpful, even if I decline regularly.

[@CoopMoe]

I feel like I should watch this every day.

[@bobbyb9718]

Watching these kinds of videos helps me feel more connected.

[@RichardPeterShon]

i hope the doctors around the world are listening to this. High functioning Aspies have this problem ALL the time. We need help but very few to no one can help. We just hold it in and pray that it subsides. I found it comforting to go to Church to pray.

[@louisegolder3276]

Fantastic, thankyou so much. This is the start of my ASD journey at 54yo. I feel understood when I watch this. Thanks again

[@evonne315]

Thanks for speaking to this. The teeter-totter of enjoying your own solitude vs feeling lonely. Some people have this criteria if they don't hear from you say, once a week, they think you stopped wanting to be friends. I now preemptively tell people I am not a big phone person and I need a lot of down time, but know its nothing personal. I tell them I just get overstimulated and exhauted by work and life, I prefer to socialize when I am in good spirits to socialize. Try to make it sound like a positive while making it clear I have extra sensitivities.

[@good__enough]

To Evonne ~ That sounds very very good.

[@er6730]

That makes a huge difference! I have ADHD, and am an extrovert, and I'm very aware that I can be too much for people. So, when someone that I like stops contacting me, I take it as a nice way of saying "I'm not interested in being friends" and I see them being friendly when I do happen to see them as a signal of a kind heart, not as a sign of friendship. I've learned to not initiate contact more than twice before waiting to see if it is reciprocated. However, when people say "I still like you, I just need a lot of down time. I'm really overwhelmed right now, but after I feel better I will send you a message!" then I can understand!

[@annehislop2449]

People have been a priority in my life but I've been just a pause in theirs.

[@marycooney303]

Oh, wow. I really felt that deeply. 😢

[@SirenaSpades]

You have to keep trying and not give up (with those same people)

[@davidkronlund3618]

Allowing myself to be vulnerable and authentic, connecting with myself emotionally sets the stage for me connecting with others. The ‘right’ others I’ve found in my new life. Others who are agreeable to my newly embraced autistic self.

[@zakadams762]

Trying to say things correctly is so painful because it feels like if something didn't work out, it's always my fault completely. My imagination can make any experience seem like it's my fault even when it's not.

[@DebbieShiels]

I've got one good friend that I've known for 44 years, she picked me up tonight to go and watch corrie with her mum. I don't watch soaps , I don't watch tv at home but it was nice to have company

[@shaunasie]

i'm literally pondering this RIGHT NOW , and then this video started playing.

[@estherhadassa1061]

Something you said, in the beginning (about 3 minutes in), reminded me of a quote: True friendship is sitting together in silence and feeling like it was the best conversation ever. Or as is often said in the Introverted community: I'd like to be invited even if I end up not going or just for a short time and then leave early. And yes, I collect quotes and use them, some people say things so much better than I could and I find those quotes helpful at times. The same goes for some lyrics from songs, I often refer to those too... I guess it's like a quote but from a song.

[@silviaac9289]

❤️

[@annemichaels5368]

I love that ... in school years I had friends that I would spend hours and hours with without saying anything. Those were the best times ...

[@joycebrewer4150]

Some of my happy childhood memories were sitting in silence on the screened porch, at one of my babysitters just watching goings on around me.

[@joycebrewer4150]

I used to retell humorous quips I read in Readers Digest, sometimes from 6 months to a year or more before.

[@melvamelendez9817]

I collect quotes too! And also I will play song lyrics over and over, because they say the feelings or things that I often don't have the words to express.

[@murtazaarif6507]

Having watched this video the second time made me realize how sweet and poetic your words sound when you speak about loneliness. It feels like butterflies or doves flickering in my stomach. There is something sweet but sad about loneliness like feeling melancholic when I sit alone by the river.

[@cethsui]

These videos make me feel really safe and validated I really appreciate your videos thank you

[@fionascheibel977]

Yep. Radical acceptance is my favourite coping skill and the best way for me to then move forward. I see it a bit like when you are driving around trying to find an address. Once we stop our car and say "I am lost" we can often then access info by phoning a friend or looking up a map or something and then getting where we need to be. But driving around and around trying to stumble accross where we need to be seems productive and isnt often. So accepting im lonely or lost or confused etc for me is the first step to change. I was also asked by my recovery couch yesterday, to consider writing up some of those "If, Then" plans for how he, or a friend, or medical proffessional might help me when im not doing well. My communication about what i need is pretty pathetic even when im doing great. So i can fully see why it would be wise for me to have some pre-planned systems before i shut down so i can get helped.

[@Sgt-Gravy]

I've been one to do most of the work in mostly one sided relationships. I was told to set boundaries & limits, but that alienates me because I don't feel involved when I put forth the effort. I'd liked to have company over, and learn about them. However the few that come to visit talk gossip & that's one of my boundaries; I don't want to cloud my mental capacity with unwanted information. Therapy & the occasional crisis line is the only time I don't feel alienated, but they can't be my friends. Which means I'm basically choosing which evil I'm going to put up with in order to be in social situations, or just be lonely.

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

I hardly ever feel lonely, but I often think that it would be nice to fall in love with a guy who is mentally healthy (even if they have a mental illness). Falling in love would just be a nice addition to my life, but not necessary. I would rather be alone than with a guy who turns cold, jealous, and criticizing.

[@darianbroomfield8361]

That sounds very nice

[@LionTheHeart]

I got a motorbike... Great release and therapy! There is loneliness and aloneness... very different... I go with aloneness! A dog is all the unconditional love one could ask for!

[@crippl3dhobnob]

I eould like to thank you so much for helping me overcome things in my life, it feels almost impossible to gain other perspective when I feel down. Your videos help me a lot in self reflection and gaining insight into my own feelings. I am almost 40 yo and have recently been diagnosed and a lifetime of masking and coping and tricky to identify and change, thank you for putting words to things that for me goes unnoticed.

[@fabiocaetanofigueiredo1353]

I suggest music... it does miracles to me... it has saved my life - literally - again and again

[@kuibeiguahua]

I made a wall of post-its of different self care activities I can do! Most of the time I end up just learning on my phone in bed for lack of focus, but you know, I'm happy to know people make lists

[@O-Demi]

When I got my depression, this is exactly what had happened: I declined every invitation, and naturally everyone realized it's no use inviting me anywhere. Your advice with positive feedback is great!

[@autisticgaming2004]

Here's the thing, I love being alone personally. I did feel lonely all though my school life (I'm a 10th grader almost done for the summer) but that's because i believed I needed friends and a girlfriend to be happy, before i knew I was autistic (well most likely autistic, I'll start going through a diagnosis in the summer). Because of the pandemic and me being at home for online learning for the whole year I feel happier than ever, I feel like I'm the best I've been because I've only ever had to talk to family i live with. I'm sad because it's looking like I will have to go back to in person learning next school year in August and man I know I'm gonna start feeling lonely and depressed all over again because of that. If I could choose I would stay at home to do online learning for the remainder of my school life honestly.

[@Nostalgicguy2242]

The funny thing about you is that when you were in the 3rd grade you didn't cared or gave a hoot about girls.. but now all of a sudden you do..

[@autisticgaming2004]

@@Nostalgicguy2242 Actually I did care about girls ever since kindergarten, I had a crush on the same girl for like 5 years from kinder to the end of 4th grade and then I had a crush on another girl I was kinda friends with from 5th grade to 6th grade and finally I thought I had a deep relationship with someone from 7th to 9th grade. Aside from this year I always had a crush with someone and wanted to be in a relationship yes even in kindergarten.

[@danceswithcarsdc]

Home Schooling, online, remote, it would seem like there are options. Testing out early, perhaps... Sadly college life may be more of the same, but how you learn there may be different, depending upon which school/college/university/degree program, reasonable accommodation it's called in the USA etc and the label may help with that ...

[@drakev8694]

@@chainmailmeteorite I’m going to be 12th and I’m homeschooled now

[@---Free-Comics---IG---Playtard]

antiss.net +1

[@talvinfarquhar4570]

This video is exactly what i needed .. especially the part about wanting to be included

[@lauraluey]

Thank you for sharing this Paul, and helping all of us beautiful people on the spectrum to feel less alone 🙏 I feel as though my social anxiety and fear of being misunderstood has lead me to choose to isolate myself, (because I also really do love being on my own) but it seems as though all of this alone time has only lead me to be more fearful of others, to be more fearful of being misunderstood, and has actually increased my social anxiety... To own these parts within myself and be honest with others about what is really going on is what I am to focus on now, and to actually ask for what I want, and express my needs rather than just staying silent. So much on this channel has helped me to embrace these parts of myself that I had rejected and wished would change, and I am slowly but surely finding more space to accept myself the way I am so that I can allow others in and not just push people away because of all the fears. Thank you for all of the incredible work you do 🙏😊❤

[@loturzelrestaurant]

Hbomberguy recently made the whole AutismCommunity proud, so i hope you have all seen Hbomberguys Newest Video.

[@DebbieShiels]

I love your videos. They're very helpful. I haven't been diagnosed yet with ASD but I found out the other day I have aphantasia and it's making me sad. I'm noticing quite often people saying "imagine this or that" now. I thought it was normal to close your eyes and see nothing 😪

[@CoachTMAC]

My son is 17 and has autism. During the last 14 months he has not received and one on one therapy and is depressed. I am listening.

[@JuanJacinto]

Please tell him he might be lonely but he is not alone. My one and only advice would be to help him find his passion. I found drums when I was about your son's age and never stopped playing. It is almost the only moment when I feel life makes total sense. Hope it helps. 🙏🏼

[@CoachTMAC]

@@JuanJacinto - thank you. I will let him know. He liked the guitar three years ago. There was a teacher who taught guitar at lunchtimes every Thursday and after a year he was pretty good. But the covid restrictions shut down the school activity and he hasn’t played it since. He has a guitar next to his desk. Some he just holds it. I will try to encourage that. Have a good week.

[@sorearm]

@@CoachTMAC please encourage him, or just listening to music. This whole lockdown situation has affected everyones mental health badly, and us auties even more so :(

[@itisdevonly]

Thank you so much for your channel and all your videos. Ever since I realized I was autistic, it's been a struggle, as I've worked to process through the feelings and memories that came up, all the connections my brain made between autism and the struggles I've had in the past and present. I'm trying to figure out how best to work with myself, and it's difficult, as I'm also going through the trauma healing process and dealing with a stressful life situation. I've been pretty heavily disabled my whole adult life, but always managed to hide it, to pretend to be "high functioning" but it was all a mask. I've literally never been able to work and support myself financially, nor do I have any real social network to speak of, and yet somehow I've managed to pretend to be okay. But I'm not okay, and I've never been okay. Since self-diagnosing, it feels like everything is coming together and starting to make sense, and there are a lot of emotions to sort through. Your channel has been invaluable to me in this learning and grieving process. So many videos about so many different topics, and I feel so seen and understood on a level that I almost never experience otherwise. It's nice to feel for once like I'm not crazy or a freak of nature. It's rather similar to when I realized I had complex PTSD. I finally saw myself in a description, and I was met on a level that understood my struggle. And I feel like I get that from you with respect to my autism. So thank you. What you do is so incredibly appreciated.

[@RentingSpam]

Hey Paul! Have you ever thought of releasing these videos as a podcast? You give great advice, and being able to listening to these while out and unable to be on KZbin would be cool.

[@zakadams762]

I went to an autism specialist but he only understood down syndrome and non verbal. I told him so many things and he just didn't get it. He just told me life is tough and nothing will change

[@alexanderm7270]

My motorcycle is really the perfect social device for me. I'm kitted out and get noticed without too much direct contact, short interactions when they do occur and are always positive, sense of community and biker waves, and a feeling of being alone and in public simultaneously. So fulfilling.

[@cosmicinquisitor5127]

I sometimes take it for granted that i never get lonely or bored of my own company being diagnosed Asbergers as a child and being extremely shy i always distanced myself from people now in my 30s i don't enjoy being around people i know or strangers i suffer from more of the social disability side of autism and normies are very unforgiving or understanding these days.

[@loturzelrestaurant]

Hbomberguy recently made the whole AutismCommunity proud, so i hope you have all seen Hbomberguys Newest Video.

[@sr.mental5876]

Funnily I had my doubts about living alone before a good therapy because I thought I was dependent on people for my own survival. Once you get a new ability to think (mine at least went through transcranial therapy and medication) the world seems so much more easy to deal with. No fears, no high need for dependence; only yourself and your will to continue living by your own terms in a world full of mostly soulless people (not in lack of empathy, but in a lack of self determination and independence).

[@barneyy6942]

@@sr.mental5876 how did you get that therapy? Any contacts?

[@Sky-Child]

A considered and articulate video as usual Paul. My communication deteriorates when I am feeling burned out and often I end up just shouting "Leave me alone". I will be making a list in future and talking to those around me ahead of time. Good actionable tips :)

[@annkarin5732]

Thanks Paul for very good advises. I don`t have Aspbergers, I think, but my son has got the diagnose as a grown up. Even before I got it confirmed by him, I was checking out Your videos on youtube. It took him a few years to finally tell me about his diagnosis. This video about loneliness is very helpful for anyone, no matter if you are autistic or not. You are very good at making things easy to understand, and you give great advices. I wish my son got the diagnosis when he was a child, and that I had Your videos to listen to then. It would have made life so much easier. Now we are doing fine. You give me the tools I need to understand my sons reactions and behaviour and you help me to understand what I can do to make him feel good about himself. I can be a support instead of getting him stressed and tired. I am so grateful to you. Thank you for making my life so much better. It means a lot to me. Ann, Norway

[@pendafen7405]

19:47 am really excited to hear about tips on seeking help, it's something many of us struggle with. In my case, since high-school (I'm 30 now) I've had nothing but poorly-educated or apathetic or unprofessional therapists who had no idea about how to help or even recognise ASD or AvPd people despite claiming they could handle it. There needs to be seperate accreditation and study for treating ND people imo.

[@johnrevell2669]

Yes, you make a really good point - positive reinforcement for people who try to help is uber-important. Imagining the possibilities is a wonderful tool. I started doing this very young, and it has become essentially a long drawn out daydream. I have moved to the point where I just imagine people liking me for who I am as I am. The difficulty is that I spend a substantial portion of my life alone so loneliness in a sense becomes one of my friends - an unwanted friend. It's a lot more challenging to deal with loneliness as you age and if the majority of one's acquaintances are married.

[@lookfeelbehealthy6320]

Great insight, as always! I wonder how common it is, with Asperger's, to feel more whole while around animals & nature as opposed to people.

[@fruityfroot4413]

actually living in connection with nature has huge benefits for people on the spectrum; nature is healing and calming and oppositely the way people live today is often overstimulating and exhausting for us. So I think it’s pretty common although probably not an experience many get to have bc of the way the world is

[@lookfeelbehealthy6320]

@@fruityfroot4413 Agreed

[@1legend517]

I certainly do! Love animals and nature in general.

[@ScarfaceMich]

Hey man. I was diagnosed with ADD, but after watching some of your videos, I'm pretty sure I have actually autism too. Thanks for your content.

[@rebellious7106]

My problem is actually the opposite in a way. I feel I enjoy my alone time far to much. Even getting out and about I enjoy solitary activities. I usually end up feeling loneliness in a group most often than not. Depression was a good point because it does come then at times, but for the majority of the time, I enjoy my alone time, and actually think that may be where it stems from in a way, because the world as a whole is social, and I don't fit into that. But that's not to say I wouldn't accept an invite to be social, I actually love that when it happens, but I'm not really bothered when it doesn't, unless, like you mentioned, mental health issues arise. So, I guess I'm wondering if this is something that's good, or should I be trying to change this about myself? Still really not sure on that. Good helpful tips though for when I do feel like I need a break from being alone.

[@RaidenPSX]

I feel the same way you do. I've come to enjoy my own company more as other people have betrayed me or taken advantage of me countless times in the past. You sort of learn to be your own best friend in a way.

[@pyrola4593]

There is nothing wrong with enjoying being alone. As long as you are 😊

[@mathelogical2563]

If it ain't broke.. don't fix it.. I hate being lonely.. of my 28 years of living on my own.. I have lived on my own for maybe 4 or 5 of those 28 years.. always had roommates or lived with a girlfriend. I'm currently wanting to move to my mother's house because I need more human interaction around people who know that I'm on the spectrum.

[@NG-cx1mm]

I have tried in multiple ways to be 'normal', I felt deeply unhappy. Allowing myself to be me changed that. If you feel good, why change that? I have some friends who see me completely. Sometimes we meet, one on one and do social things we can really enjoy. Be you, enjoy your time. That is life.

[@ajmedia559]

Omggg this is the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen

[@spacemaster8831]

I have aspergers syndrome (and severe anxiety) but never really get 'lonely' as such because I prefer to be alone. However I do feel lonely at school and stuff because its not nice being called names just because you a high functioning 'misfit'. I also find it really hard to communicate things to people, especially when you already feel excluded and rejected. Great video thanks😏

[@thebradc]

Thank you for the video. Most my adult life I get lonely on very specific times on Sundays and it’s crept into Saturday and half of Friday so it’s been difficult.

[@Sarteth]

I understand where you're coming from. I actually identify with it. There are times, being NONverbal is my way of keeping up with the processes of my gaming group. It's not that I don't have any to contribute, it's that I'm trying to process to keep up. It is isolating in terms of how fast they go sometimes and I can't get there that fast. So, I take it a different way to interact, and get energy from paying attention and asking questions just in-the-moment, to process later.

[@user-ge6uo2ry2b]

I was dx with social anxiety as a kid and hfa in my 40s. I want companionship so much but ended up leaving two different multi~year narc relationships; choosing being alone over abuse. It’s hard to know what to do. I try volunteering, classes, gyms and fail. I wish there were places for autistic adults to congregate. Dating again scares me a bit because I can’t always tell if I’m being played. Thank you for these videos. They are awesome.

[@dudecool7915]

I don't know, I love being by myself but still feel incredibly lonely and it hurts a lot

[@thomasrhombus24]

I definitely know this feeling, man.

[@MOT001]

Ive recently been diagnosed at 57 and know these feelings all too well but when i have time alone i have been listening in particular to alanis morrisette and cranberries delores the lead singer, there is a message much deeper than i previously understood which helps me to not feel isolated. When young i used to walk all night in darkness and connect with nature, now older need to connect with others who understand.

[@amaradejo]

I feel alone in the things I like, such as music and movies. With music, I know I listen to some weird stuff. With movies I'm more of a normie, but I find that most people I know don't enjoy this topic as intensely as I do. I want to keep on talking about a single subject and one common response for that is: "Oh, you again with [topic]". That's very demoralising. During quarantine, I found that I like watching reaction videos for things I really like. That helped me to feel less lonely in life. Although it can also make me feel a little anxious, because I don't like when the reaction video has a negative opinion of the things I like (that reminds me too much of personal interactions). But the feeling of happiness and excitement that causes me a passionate reaction makes the "risk" worth my time.

[@Mina-vi5le]

I applaud and thank you so much for the work you are doing here. I am new to the journey with a family member and you are holding my hand and walking me through so that I can be better prepared to hold their hand as they adjust to what may be a new reality. Blessings and appreciation. Your work is phenomenal and life saving.

[@mkerr2428]

Thank you, for your content and your honesty. This is entirely the perspective I need to take. Hoping you are connected too.

[@galespressos]

❤ @Autism From The Inside That’s a good point, so helpful, basically, “ give people positive feedback for trying so that they will try again even if they weren’t successful, and say thanks”.

[@szarjalnyulat]

This story you just told brought so much emotion out of me, when you said some facts i silently almost cried I thought yes but it’s easy to say, then other facts I already recognized to do such as until 3years ago I struggled so much my entire existence was a big confusion, then I found a goal I want to achieve, -alright, what do I need for that? Friends, hobbies, pushing forward- in the past 3 years somehow my ability of focus on details turned to be used to reach my goal. But even tho I found friends, hobby, activities I found myself still lonely some how.. I use to have meltdowns, nowadays more often. I’m thinking to talk with my boss about his if i suddenly would call the office mid day that I can’t continue work for that day… it happened at my former work. Well I guess it’s not all bad, I recently changed my job as well, and I must say, I finally enjoy workq😀

[@linnmusic]

thank you so much, really needed to hear that! have been lonely for 33 years and I am scared I will always be alone :( but this was very good advice, something I myself have been practising. 1. practising allowing the current reality and 2. visualizing what I want + how to get it and practising to move towards that..

[@peterwynn2169]

I used to get frustrated when guys I went to school with would ask me if I wanted to play football with them, at lunchtime. I appreciated their concern, but I have no interest in football. So, sometimes you have to think, "Okay, if you want to connect with me, you have to know what I like." You can maybe ask me if I saw a programme on TV that you know I'd be interested in. I also think that autistic people need to be able to be near one another regularly. And I think of it like this, if you are at school, you might be in scouts, and as a scout, you might attend meetings for two hours on a Wednesday night, and the odd scout rally and biennial camps, but you're not a scout 24/7. So, you might set out your biography as "John Smith, age 12, school student, boy scout (Wednesday 6-8pm)." Scouts is a club, being autistic is an identity.

[@jennygordon2961]

Thanks so much. I don’t feel so terrible now telling my kids we need to “train” others to be inclusive and accomodating. So thankful you are sharing your experience so I can try to be more supportive and understanding :-)

[@MikeSmith-sh3ko]

Great help to anyone who suffers but shame about content being interrupted by so many mid point adverts

[@theliver1613]

Great video! Ever since I quit drinking, it's been hard to connect with normies.

[@agustinamansur5665]

You are one of the few Empaths I know. You are a God sent ❤ Thank you for helping us! Keep it up! 🎉

[@donnamadrid652]

I use to make the effort to connect with family and friends but found I was always the one making the effort. When I let them know I need them to make that effort too, I'm told they are busy just living their lives. Then I have no connection with them unless I make the effort, so I quit. I rarely see family or old friends ever for years now cause we'll they don't make the effort. Hmmmmm.

[@drlisle]

Boy Paul, I feel so understood after hearing this! Thank you for the validation!

[@intorpere]

I've been taking martial arts classes. It's a great way to engage with people, without being expected to be social much at all. Martial arts works well for me, given my proclivities, but there must be other sorts of hobbies that would fill a similar role.

[@carinagrams2263]

Thank you. You are changing my life.

[@kevinwilcox1835]

Viktor Emil Frankl was an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, author, and Holocaust survivor. He was the founder of logotherapy, a school of psychotherapy which describes a search for a life meaning as the central human motivational force. "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms-to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way."

[@davidalanmors3233]

You're the best, Paul, Thank you!

[@brandonfouts4074]

I am very thankful for this video, and all the others

[@AlexiHolford]

This is such a great video! Thank you! You have such great insights. Looking forward to the mental health series!

[@jrkeys9540]

Thankyou for another wonderful video, I have a support animal she is a Rabbit 🐇 when ever I am upset stressed out or having a Autism meldown it's so amazing how she hops over to me so fast and licks and jumps all over me it's like she can sense my emotions 😍💞🐇

[@jacksonscully2537]

That's so cool. I didn't realize rabbits could be that sensitive. I used to have a few and they always ran away when I tried to pet them lol.

[@jrkeys9540]

@@jacksonscully2537 she follows me around the house and loves cuddles hates being picked up but will jump on your lap when you are sitting on lounge or chair 💖 the key is to free roam them in your house and they will become extremely tame treating you like part of their bunny clan I have spent alot of time with her since she was little ☺️🐇

[@pamtufnell6751]

My horse use to comfort me now sadly she's gone

[@jrkeys9540]

@@pamtufnell6751 I am so sorry to hear about your horse passing away🐎 they are such amazing support I used to work with them when I was younger and always found them very intuitive 💖💖

[@Cherrycreamsoda1]

Paul is like your super chill dad or friend who always knows what to do when you’re freaking out lol 😂

[@jamesbligh6607]

Mate, that blew my mind. Thank you so much for an informative and incredibly enlightening video. I can't wait to try some of the things I have learned from this. Very... Epiphany-ey :o Especially the incredibly insightful bit about having a list of things you 'could' do. So good!

[@highlandoutsider]

Premieres in 2 days? Oh well, I'll just sit here by myself and wait 😐...lol

[@danceswithcarsdc]

()

[@bitterapple]

Sarcasm? 😉

[@fionascheibel977]

Yep. I go into my ASD/ADHD "waiting mode" while waiting for Paul to post his videos.

[@danceswithcarsdc]

Autie fake hugs 🤗

[@berliozchick]

Thank you for your channel, and this video! I was diagnosed as an adult, having grown up when autism was supposed to be only for boys. As to loneliness, you hit it exactly: I really enjoy being around others, but don't want to talk. This is why I enjoy attending or participating in music concerts, and being a part of sports groups where the conversation is minimal but we do interact in a very friendly, encouraging way during training, and taking part in community events. Still, there are times when it feels like those who know me really should understand me deeper, in terms of what I might be feeling or what I like; interestingly, I seem to connect the deepest with other autistic females. Cheers