Are you an over-explainer? The Real Reason You Keep Over Explaining Yourself (And How to Fix It!)

[@marcimccann1109]

Life has taught me, the more you say, the less you are heard

[@bellakrinkle9381]

Right, and there are 3 million KZbin videos tp prove your theory.

[@petercelle1796]

Two ears and one mouth

[@jonathanzimmer8143]

Tell that to Congress. Stupid is proving otherwise.

[@이정민영어]

It's on me! LoL

[@khalida02]

@elizknight8262 I’m that friend lol

[@Sensory0verlord]

I’m a chronic over-explainer, which comes from feeling chronically misunderstood. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m trying to work on it now. It’s helping so far. Thanks for this video!

[@dandelion_16]

You might want to look into Cassandra syndrome if you've never heard of that term.

[@peterwynn2169]

I can relate to that. Some of it, I find, is also a trauma response.

[@Sensory0verlord]

@@dandelion_16 I first heard of it on 12 Monkeys & later told my first husband who was NT that I thought I experienced it. Seems accurate.

[@Sensory0verlord]

⁠@@dandelion_16 I heard of Cassandra Complex on 12 Monkeys years ago & later jokingly told my 1st husband that I thought I experienced it (as it related to that movie). But google Cassandra Syndrome & you get a totally different result that kinda irks me.

[@harperwiccan475]

​@@dandelion_161111a1

[@juliegolick]

A quote often attributed to Mark Twain: "Dear sir: I apologize for writing you a long letter, but I did not have time to write a short one." 🤣

[@carolinejames7257]

Oh, that's good! I'm an avid reader, and have long held the view that it is much harder to write novellas and, especially, short stories than it is to write novels. At least, it's much harder to write them well. Which is why some writers whose novels I enjoy, despite their talent, write very mediocre shorter works. At uni, my essays were always far too long, way over the acceptable word limit. I had to start that way, make sure I covered everything, and then agonise over multiple rewrites as I condensed it to an acceptable size, lol.😅

[@rialdaosmanovic2142]

@@carolinejames7257 every single paper at UNI. Sometimes I was saddened when I had to cut out parts that were brilliant if you ask me. Even when getting an A, I was sorry that it was based on half of my work!

[@bemorealice]

I love this quote - thank you for sharing!

[@khalida02]

I love it thank you

[@p.s.shnabel3409]

I'd like to extend that a bit: there's a danger in using too few words, as well. X is a prime example (in my opinion). The short format doesn't lend itself to easily express nuanced, complicated topics. Yet, it's used to discuss politics, religion and every other incredibly sensitive matter you can think of. I'm not saying it cannot be done. I'm pointing out it would take a whole lot more talent and effort than most people are willing to expend. But then again, I'd say that ... I'm long-winded by nature and I thus don't use X ;) - - - When writing business related messages, I rely on a simple formula: past, present, future. Example: "I bought this item from you (past). It doesn't work anymore (present). I want it fixed (future)." But in real life, I don't constrict myself like this all the time. It feels like a straight-jacket when I have to clamp down or first internally sum up what I want to say and screen it. I am who I am, and in my private life, I will be who I am - not everybody has to like me. This (obviously) goes hand in hand with me *not* getting mad (or hurt) when my loved ones ask me to come to the point. It's a give and take - sometimes I'm feeling sharp enough to be concise, then I give it my best shot. Sometimes I'm not and they hear me out (with more or less patience). Just like I am patient with them for sometimes not explaining everything I need to know (and me having to act like the inquisition).

[@stefanb6539]

Sad thing is, I just love explanations. I love listening to people explain, and I love explaining things. I can cut down my tendency to overexplain in 90% of conversations, but that also makes 90% of conversations feel really bland and unsatisfying.

[@ThePallidor]

Explaining is great, but only when it makes sense to explain.

[@suzeller]

I would’ve loved the long email! I hate the feeling of pulling teeth with people who simply will not or cannot talk in details and nuances.

[@nuclearance22]

I think it's about how each person likes to proceed the others. 🎉

[@zxcasf]

THIS

[@waterbug1135]

I agree. I'm 67 and years ago said to myself "Screw it". Tired of trying to fix in. My outlet is to leave huge KZbinr comments. I turn off notifications so I never know if there's been a reply or whatever KZbin does. That keeps me out of pointless exchanges. I used to do this in different forums, but not sure forums are even around anymore. Basically I'm talking to myself. Like journaling I guess. Most of the time I don't listen to the video. The title enough, mostly click bait, is enough for me to think about. Sometimes the video interests me and then I give a bunch of timestamped replies. After I hit "Reply" I move one to another video and never go back. Pointless to try and convince people of anything. But convincing myself, testing my position is helpful for me. When I worked as a software engineer it was very different. For about 10 years I consulted on failing software projects and people paid me a of money hear what I had to say. They appreciated as much detail as I could give them. This leads me to thinking giving "free" communication is worthless communication. And that's why people don't like long detailed communication. They don't want to listen to others. They're just waiting for their chance to dump their load of feelings onto you. Weird thing is they don't expect you to listen to them either. They just want to talk.

[@N1ckRa]

“The more words I say, the more chance of a misunderstanding” Just need to let that sink in. I think this explains a lot

[@GeekGamer666]

I agree to a certain extent, though there are some circumstances where it doesn't matter what you say, you'll be misunderstood because the person isn't receptive to other ways of communication or perspectives.

[@E4439Qv5]

"It's an outside sink."

[@MattWanchap]

That sentence hit me pretty hard too. Maybe I don't need to apologise for this all the time...

[@pineapplepenumbra]

This is one of my arguments against the torah, bible, qur'an, etc. A sensible God would have a short, concise book (if it even cared about us knowing about it, which seems unlikely).

[@pineapplepenumbra]

@@E4439Qv5 That would be why it's sinking. There's mud outside, a properly plumbed in inside sink shouldn't sink (and, yet, due to incompetent kitchen fitters, ours did).

[@michellelambton3636]

I had to ask my family members if I over explained. They said yes. So this was a while ago, since then I became a chronic text-delete-and-rewrite-until-I-get-it-right person. I’m getting more practice at brevity, and my lovely family is wondering why I’m so quiet now. 🤪. This message got rewritten only twice. 🎉

[@lilbatz]

My loved one is a chronic monologue-er. One time he rambled for well over 90 minutes, and I all I said was oh, yes I see, I get it. I clocked him, just curious on how far he’d run with a listening hostage. Afterwards, we had a big discussion. I was totally not relevant to the conversation. He wanted to work the ideas out loud, and he could have easily talked to the wall. Now when he gets fired up to talk, I ask is this a conversation or a wall talk. Cuts down on hurt feelings.

[@CastleHassall]

just be yourself.. if they don't like you for who you are then you are better off without them

[@dadapotok]

i now struggle with rewriting too. it's exhausting, both ways are not optimal and middle ground it's also harder because it's unnatural to me

[@yvonnemariane2265]

Oooo can you share about how it's helped (presumably!) your relationships, like with your family?

[@DriftlessWarrior]

Congratulations on "only twice"! I'm still on 5, 6, ot 7 times myself. I hate feeling like I have to agonize over every word. And my texts are still way, way too long. But it's nice to see someone else making progress! :)

[@reneelibby4885]

I have ADHD and c-PTSD so I am def. an over- explainer. I've learned to tell myself 1. People don't care. 2. Who cares that they don't care? 3. My time is precious and they may not deserve that time. 4. If they have questions- they can ask me. : )

[@BermudaGrass]

5. If you don’t want to answer - you don’t have to

[@axxoze]

Same here! Gold!

[@axxoze]

​@@BermudaGrassNice one, I always have to remind this to myself.

[@brittany7573]

I live by those exact rules as well. Especially number 1.

[@tomusic8887]

But it is very very unsatisfying......and very lonely

[@jardel_lucca]

It's beautiful how this video over-explains the whole thing.

[@krygstem]

That's for the whole youtube. Only small creators do 2-3min videos straight to the point. (non short format)

[@NordiaStrachan]

My thoughts exactly. He over explained about why we shouldn’t over explain. Can’t even watch to half way. I get it. He’s shown first hand how annoying over explaining can be.

[@jsreynolds]

No kidding! Say it in ten minutes. Or three.

[@idreasrather4339]

Everything he explained was very important

[@-Shibbi]

Because of the topic of the video, we think about it consciously. In reality most of youtube videos (any topics) are over explained.

[@user-ee5om8wy7u]

Being gaslighted and falsely accused by your own parents throughout your whole life since the moment of birth is the reason you are conditioned to over explain yourself. Your brain is set to do a mental "due diligence" as a preventative measure to avoid future blame-shifting and false accusations and more gaslighting! You are simply trying to avoid a situation of "damned if you do, damned if you don't". So, you pre-solve misunderstanding by providing every details possible.

[@jean-pierreel-rif2784]

Yes

[@kelleyleblanc5025]

Thanks for this ⬆️

[@PhiladelphiaTruthseeker]

Yes, same here... it's hell

[@Truemercy703]

I could not have said it better! I love how you use the phrasing “due diligence as a preventative measure“ and “pre-solving, misunderstanding by providing every detail as possible“. You hit the nail squarely on the head! I’m just shaking my head at the reality and truth of it.

[@SquidofCubes]

Indeed! Except it doesn't work because they were never listening to begin with :/

[@JesseTrerice]

This is exceptional. No one has ever explained to me why over explaining and over sharing isn't helpful. I needed these deeper details from an over explanation to understand it and now that I understand it, I'll be more likely to adjust my communication style. Thank you so much. This is a revelation to me. I often become frustrated at how others aren't following my logic and misunderstand me. Thank you so much for this. ❤

[@AugustBug56]

I love hearing that other autistics do the same things I do, makes me feel less crazy

[@TheMSS1977]

You mean 'Normal' We're all meant to be different, but different is the norm.

[@anteshell]

@@TheMSS1977 "Normal" is just a tool for statistical analysis. Autism and most autistic traits are not normal. If they were, the world would already be inherently accommodating to us and we would not need any external support to go about in our day-to-day life. Nowadays we're only starting to get into the state where NDs are not necessarily treated with outright hostility but rather just ignorantly and there's still hell of a long way to what could be considered as "normal".

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

@@anteshell I wish more people realize that essentially abnormal is anything that's less the other 1/3 of the population is doing. Sometimes it's a good thing like having the necessary number of fingers and limbs to operate a car, other times it's a bad thing like being one of the majority of Americans that has no emergency savings.

[@DJ_Dopamine]

Yes I annoy my wife with over explaining on a daily basis!

[@anteshell]

@@SmallSpoonBrigade Exactly. Normality has no inherent good or bad value, neither functionally nor morally. It is always relative to set goals; the ability to drive a car or have a healthy life to use your examples. For me, I have two examples of both extremes from my abnormal autistic traits. For one, I have almost lost my life over ten time also leaving me some permanent damage due to my inability to treat my diabetes consistently enough, including eating and remembering to take medication. On the opposite end is alcoholism. I have all genetic, pedagogical and psychological disposition towards alcoholism but the combination of my autistic traits balances it out keeping me from both drinking often and getting wasted when I do. And to further highlight my point, many of those traits that keeps me from becoming an alcoholic are the very same traits that makes treating my diabetes a hell.

[@gillywild]

I think this is the crucial difference between neurodivergent people and neurotypical people. Neurotypicals “skim” everything everywhere. They just inherently discard 90+% of all input and rely heavily on “feeling” or “intuition “. We are constantly exhausted because we process way more of the information we are exposed to.

[@marquonuk]

Yes, in me I think it's a desire to be completely clear, even to the extent that I'm trying to anticipate potential misunderstandings in what I'm typing and correcting them before I send them to save time (even though it means that creating the message takes way too long!). I can feel myself doing it, but once I start I feel compelled to continue until I've finished! Just hearing that it's not just me that does it helps a lot. Awareness of our behaviour is very useful. :-)

[@Judymontel]

That's a really good point about how tiring it is to always be processing "everything." With very little choice or control over that.

[@h-aether]

Yes. If someone sends me a long email, I will naturally read every single word. I will also naturally want to reply to every single thing they've said and every single point they've made. I CAN summarise, but I do that AFTER I've processed everything. It can be enjoyable, or it can be exhausting, depending on the person and the situation. I guess that's another reason why it's good to learn how to shorten things and be more specific, if it's really not necessary to spend a lot of time and energy processing the details. We only have finite resources, so we can't do that with everything without burning out. I guess we just have to learn how to control these things consciously, if they don't happen naturally. It's always nice when there is the opportunity to just let loose and deep-process though! I'm trying to find these opportunities for the things I actually WANT to spend a lot of energy on and are actually important to me, rather than where it's not required or desired.. I'm trying to learn to recognise 'this is going to be too much information' before I start reading (or writing) it.

[@h-aether]

I find the general (maybe neurotypical) expectation to be able to respond to things quickly and efficiently verrrry stressful. Never understood why until I realised most people just don't process on that really thorough level. I have to be careful about responding on an emotional/intuitive level or I might say something weird or offensive. Sometimes it can be received ok. But I have to be careful!

[@Judymontel]

@@h-aether I like how you frame it. And I feel similarly - there need to be at least some circumstances where depth and detail are celebrated!!

[@marilynlucero9363]

I am an over-explainer myself because I prefer people to over explain to me as well. "Treat others the way you want to be treated" mentality. This is also why I hate places like Twitter where they have these character limitations. Personally, the less is being said, the more questions I will end up having leaving me more confused because I have less to work with which just ends up stressing me out more.

[@markwright3161]

I've hit the character limit in KZbin comments too often. It's 10'000 characters if you were wondering, and I've maxed that multiple times. I think I needed to go to a 3 part comment and reply chain at least once just to stop getting the error message when I tried to post it. For me I really hate misunderstandings and misunderstanding derived conflict and I go into explaining all the details that I think they might misinterpret depending on what personality characteristics I've seen in them, etc. I over analyse people to try to get ahead of misunderstandings, etc as well. I'm trying to get ahead of questions too, 'what all would I be looking for information wise, lets give all that up front for them', especially in messages, emails, etc. Usually I can tell from responses when they've just skim read it, and I get really frustrated by that because I've done all I can to, put a huge amount of effort into explaining the stuff, only to seem to receive a lack of commitment to finding out whatever I'm trying to share/talk about. It's doubly frustrating because it's too often stuff in ways they likely don't have a clue about, it's not them being 'obtuse' or however you'd like to word that, although I don't know what would be worse, extreme arrogance or a complete absence of ability to understand/try to understand. Whichever it is, it feels like a humanly impossible problem to overcome, and is a massive source of anxiety as a result. There's the oversharing thing he mentioned, but I've spent too long typing it so I'll post it just to feel like it isn't entirely wasted time. Sorry about that. :)

[@marilynlucero9363]

@@markwright3161 Hey don't worry! And trust me, getting ahead of questions is something I can relate with, however I have to admit you often find you can't cover all questions so I always share up front when knowing it is going to be a long one "If there are any questions, feel free to share" Personally I don't care what kind of posts I get back in size myself as long as they are clear and not open to interpretation, a lot of troubles in our world would have been solved if many pieces of legislation were written with extra words, left without any room for interpretation so everybody knows what they are getting. I have had it way too often that things were shared in such a manner where just by reading it I could see that I could take it in 5 different ways which is some of the most frustrating things out there in communication. Btw I had no idea the character limit was 10,000 that's a fun fact to know hope your day is going well.

[@TheLexikitty]

@@markwright3161I work in IT and this so much. If I don’t understand something I look it up and have a hard time understanding why people wouldn’t.

[@EmberTársad]

Same here! 😄

[@marilynlucero9363]

@@EmberTársad What about those moments when you talk with someone, come up with two options you ask "Rather Option A or Option B?" and all they just answer with is "Yes" I'm like... well, yes to which one? If only I got a nickel every time this happened.. lol

[@VedaSay]

I think there is a different reason to over-explaining. Its... I care about you. I don't want you to misunderstand anything I say. And its true for communication even at work. I respect you and care for how you get the message.

[@camouflagejumpsuit]

Yeah I hear what you're saying but I don't agree that you're being honest. I mean of course you care about people you'd have to be a troll not to. But you're over explaining as a defense mechanism and until you see it as such and not a superpower you're never gonna change.

[@zezezep]

But I am finally realising most people do not want the long story, even though I want to be certain they got it

[@JPShepard5]

Its true that there are many ways we explain our behaviors to ourselves. In the end however, I think we are subconsciously afraid of what could happen if we're not understood correctly. If it weren't true, we wouldnt feel the need or compulsion to try so hard, regardless of how much we care, since less is often more.

[@ndupchurch]

This is actually really good professional advice for people in the workplace. I see it all the time - ask someone to provide you an analysis or perspective on something using data, and they spend the whole time telling you how they approached it as opposed to the outcome

[@Thalanox]

Do you ask them to "bottom-line" it for you at the beginning?

[@kensears5099]

A mental strategy I've developed, finally, is like your later realizing that "I don't feel heard" would have "said it" for you without the novel-length e-mail. When I am tempted to plunge into an endless explanation I stop and ask myself, "Suppose I'd already sprung this huge amount of information on this person and they came back with 'I have no idea what all that meant. What's your point?', what would I say THEN, in a few words, to sum up what I'd already said?" So instead of the long text/speech, I just start with THAT.

[@benjaminblack91]

I find it helpful to actually go through the process of writing up the whole many page email, with the understanding that it will all be thrown away. Helps me figure out what really needs to be said and what doesn't.

[@shoelacedonkey]

I often count to 10 (or 8) when I want to say something that may be perceived as somewhat controversial before saying it. It has a very similar effect to your tactic.

[@kensears5099]

@@benjaminblack91 Yes! Brainstorming, then reducing it to a succint point!

[@kensears5099]

@@shoelacedonkey Yes, very similar!

[@RadioPsychicAstrologyByPepper]

Since Harry simple at this moment, but unfortunately, at least in my case when I have Used, if not actually the exact words you suggest stating I’m not feeling I’m being heard… there’s a certain part of the population that doesn’t care to listen, but it’s also a little little bit deliberately dismissive to attract people familiar disrespectful style of disregard and discard that feels too much like my childhood so that I mistake it for another place. I belong if that makes sense it’s complicated and I make it worse ha ha just started qualifying qualifying blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah million things really earth only one moon overcautious trying too hard into an indoor golf course satellites with too much explanation too much justification apologies and being timid and yet I’m really not a timid person at my heart. I’m soft-spoken sometimes I’m not. I. I like your profile pic because you remind me of my brothers high school friend in it look like you could be related very kind intelligent features.

[@s.b200]

I'm literally sitting here crying from sheer hope after this. At the end you said "I hope you found this...interesting!". For me it was not interesting, it was important, and possibly even life changing. Thank you so much Paul, truly.

[@dreamscape405]

❤❤❤

[@theresefournier3269]

YAHsome in-DEED. I had to learn, the hard way. Tears of joy are so healing for both the mind and body. Not to mention the h-eart ❤ Self-knowledge and consciousness, are also super duper helpful. Have a lovely day. And see you on the other side. 🌹🔥❣️

[@bellakrinkle9381]

I'm in my 70's. I just realized that I am autistic and also have ADHD, which is more problematic. There are good online tests to determine the likelihood of autism. I took an online test 20 years ago and did not take the results seriously. Check it out.

[@Volkbrecht]

If this stuff makes you cry, your problem may not be the autism. There is a whole industry out there making bank with communication advice. None of what the guy talks about is exclusive to autists. A lot of people have those problems, so there is a lot of advice out there. All you had to do is realize your style of communication leads to problems, then look for help.

[@s.b200]

@@Volkbrecht Thank you for your comment. That might be true for some, and I'm aware that communication skills vary a lot amongst the population and that's just normal. But I do have an autism/aspergers diagnosis. I was diagnosed at age 32, and Im 34 now. I have seen psychologists/therapists (Im in fact seeing one now) to try to help me with communication at work and in friendships, because I keep struggling to meet & understand peoples expectations. But my therapist even said that my communication issues are due to the autism, and all she can do is help manage my feelings of worthlessness and disappointment in myself. So regular therapists dont have tools to help me. Pauls videos on the other hand help me immensely. He complements my therapy because he GETS what I have troubles with and he actually has answers and advice that I can use. Now I might have overexplained this. But maybe you shouldn't by default mistrust what people say?=)

[@freebird5469]

After spending most of my life(I am 60) wanting to understand other's deeply, and wanting to feel understood deeply also, which wasn't really working, I have realized that feeling understood in myself by myself is really all that matters. Anything beyond that is icing on the cake.

[@urbanbeachbum2148]

So wise. Thanks for helping this 60 year old.

[@MoshieJ]

Excellent advice.

[@V_ii]

So glad i read this. Thank you for sharing

[@1kewlglamma]

63 here... thxvm!

[@dryfastingclub]

deep and true!

[@paul4ta]

I appreciate your overexplanation of overexplaining. It's not for everyone, but as someone who is fluent in overexplaining, it was nice to hear the background and perspective in our native language.

[@theonetruemorty4078]

Nailed it in the first 3 mins, spot on. Internally, I go deep on everything; more data is always good, curiosity is king, language is reductionist, misunderstanding is the devil, solving the universe the goal. My instinct in over-explaining is that I'm being helpful, that others want the same. I'm not, they don't. It usually just turns into a squirrel train until they decide to get off at the next stop and take a cab.

[@ifeanyiogwo9880]

Me right there

[@cloudmastr8105]

I don’t understand why people want to just not know stuff. Even useful stuff. Stuff that can directly impact their health and even life they’ll happily ignore like 😅 I don’t get it.

[@18_rabbit]

@@cloudmastr8105 same the fk here! I 'm not autistic even slightly and am an overexplainer in some major massive ways sometimes and it annoys the hell out of ppl i guess, but it's the way to be fair and safe and thorough and put that person at ease as well as myself, and protect everyone legally!

[@annieclaire2348]

😂😂😂👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@cortisolsoup]

that second sentence is POETRY. i would like to add it to my manifesto lmao

[@MartinMCade]

This explains so much about my own behavior writing emails at work. (I deleted a much longer comment to type this shorter one.)

[@jaycarver4886]

Bravo! You're making progress!

[@hak116]

Man.. I always poured everything into my messages/emails, only to be met with very "cold" responses. Now I delete half before sending anything

[@jaycarver4886]

@@hak116 Sometimes it takes me hours or even days to write an email. Texts are a bit easier but even they are overly long. I reread things over and over to review for context and misspellings. The angst I feel is exhausting.

[@aquarius5719]

I am disappointed. I wanted to read your longer comment.

[@Britishshadow]

That’s what I always do. Write an extremely long comment, email, text, to then latter shortened it down or it’s one word, no, or yes.

[@TheCatLady65]

I'm also an overexplainer! Before I found out I'm autistic I used to refer to it as going into "lecture mode". I also used to be a lecturer 😜 I always got positive comments from my students for giving them such detailed information on the subject in class. That was my dream job!😂

[@katharinegates2917]

Bottom-up thinking seems to be a hallmark of our Autistic brains. Like the idiom “Not seeing the forest for the trees”. I felt pretty defensive while watching this because I overshare and overexplain and it usually does the opposite of what I intended. One other aspect of this is that I often don’t fully know the single summary sentence you suggest until I have processed the whole thing. And I process things by talking about them. Which I could see being a bit of a burden on others, expecting them to wade through the trees and have to do the work of seeing the forest for me. They didn’t sign up for a quest! As always, your video was humane and wise. Thank you.

[@jimwilliams3816]

Yes, it was hard for me as well. Paul was quite fair, but this was so close to home. I’ve tried SO hard, using some of these strategies, but damn am I compulsive. I cut people off too. ADHD meds help some but I don’t tolerate them that well.

[@alexandriafinn8114]

I find it impossible to do top down processing. It’s painful. I have enough trouble just verbalising what’s going on and I can only get to what I need to get to by going into the details which aren’t necessarily verbal. It might be a colour or a musical sound.

[@jimwilliams3816]

@alwxandriafinn8114 I’m not completely sure, but I THINK if I try too down thinking without a very clear analysis of what’s going on, it gets me in trouble. Probably moreso than neurotypicals, due to dysregulation, but I think it trips them up too. This is based on my understanding of top down as being principle based: you take a generalized idea (lack of eye contact is disrespectful or indicative of dishonesty, for example), then you apply it to the situation. It’s prone to implicit bias because the person doesn’t look at the specifics of the case, asking if the person is autistic, or from another culture, etc. It’s fairly visceral, and if I go this route (I’m being treated unfairly, here’s why), I think I can trigger myself based not on personal traumatic experience but on perceived abstract principles. If that is top down, I prefer bottom up, where you try to look at all the facts and arrive at a conclusion from there. It’s not fast but it doesn’t cut corners. Maybe the trick is to keep doing this with myself but reserve the executive summary version for what I share with others. At least if I can get my stupid ADHD to let me do the summary. Obviously this reply fails the brevity test, and probably the oveesharing test. The question becomes, is my lengthy reply worthwhile and appropriate in this context? Or too much? I have no clue.

[@alexandriafinn8114]

@@jimwilliams3816 I like this Jim. This is the sort of detail that I like to understand. Not too much for me. And it totally covers the bias, especially the eye contact one and all these other stupid tells that people use for honesty. For me, I don’t think in words, I think in images and music. It’s a bit hard to explain, but I’m constantly. If someone asks me a question, I’ll struggle with understanding what they are asking, and then there will be a pause with all the translating going on. I’ve been accused of coming up with a lie while I’m just trying to understand with a situation. It’s horrible.

[@lisalasers]

this sums up me as well. i feel defensive but i see what he’s saying.

[@kelleyleblanc5025]

My husband says I’m making an excuse for something but I’ve actually analyzed the situation for quite some time and weighed pros and cons and came up with the best solution and it’s an “excuse” so then I need to over explain everything. I sometimes need to tell him “stories” several times. He will say “you’ve already told me” but I can’t help but tell him the story with all the details again. Even if I know he stopped listening I still need to say it again…. It was never attempted for any diagnoses but I’m sure I have some sort of high functioning autism and/ or OCD This video really helped!! I’m starting to recognize who I say things to and what they need to know and that helps to stop over explaining/sharing. I’m going to stop now because I’m doing what he says I shouldn’t lol

[@polinanikulina]

With really long "stories", I might recognize the topic (bike maintenance yesterday) and assume I've heard it all. If you were adamant I missed something, I'd summarize it (washed it, had to change a stretched chain) and expect a concise reminder of what I missed (derailleur won't shift) and what I'm expected to do about it (search for tutorials, emotional support...)

[@nwiegman]

This presentation is profoundly illustrative of the state of our collective consciousness. 3 minutes max . Sadly because he did have a lot of gems. 17:23

[@barbaralawrence6226]

Thank you! I'm a chronic over-explainer. My therapist told me it's a protective thing. A desperate need to be understood in order to be safe (I have a trauma history as well as ADHD and ASD). I spend 2 hours writing and editing emails telling myself "It's too long" but it usually ends up being longer by the time I hit Send. I do this talking as well. I go into minute detail. The worst thing someone can ask me is, "What have you been up to?" I know it turns most folks off (or they just tolerate me) but I have tremendous difficulty being concise. Except when I write poetry. For some reason, most of my poems are bare bones and very concise. Go figure :)

[@TheMSS1977]

This sounds familiar to me. Pretty much all of it but the last part about writing in a concise manner when writing "poems" (not sure what I'd call mine). Also when writing texts to my kids for example. I also do that when I speak. I purposely miss out words that are fillers and construct dialogue in a concise manner with my kids because sometimes they just want direct answers. An example is "make a move!", They take the piss with it now that they're older, they say it and freeze! The clowns. But I used to say it as a final word to show I was serious taking into account they already know what they should be doing. The poems, in fact, I used to partake in "6 word stories", it was really fun. Turned into recognition, adapting and overcoming, In the forefront, but never seen, Always present, but never really considered, Opinions asked, but truths always dismissed, Time taken from, never given back, Loyalty ab*sed, always taken for granted, The heart forgave, it never forgot, I could keep going lol

[@jimwilliams3816]

Self protection is absolutely part of it for me, trying to preemptively avoid anticipated misunderstandings. But talking or writing raises my mood too; I talk like some alcoholics drink - just a little more and that’s it, then repeat ad infinitum. And I have always had the executive function problem with sorting relevant from irrelevant.

[@stefanialanesi3447]

You can't imagine how precious your tips are to me, as a chronic non-autistic over explainer! You are so good in going to the town of topics! 😊

[@JessaDawnJustice]

I'm the same way with poetry 😂

[@barbaralawrence6226]

@@TheMSS1977 Love these! I think that's what might have set me on the path of concise writing in my poetry. The famous poem attributed to Ernest Hemingway. "For Sale: Baby shoes. Never worn." Conveys so much with so little. You, and this video, have inspired me to take it up again Thanks!🙋‍♀️💖

[@trinnyj1451]

I overshare and overexplain! It's cringeworthy and has created endless embarrassing interactions. Combine it with the tendency to 'monologue' and you have a sure-fire recipe to bore the other person senseless. Am definitely improving - so that's a positive. Thanks, Paul

[@techjunkie68smusicandtech56]

It's only cringeworthy to the people who don't understand why this happens, nothing wrong with you. Please read my comment regarding inversion.....

[@yeshuasservant2351]

Actually coming from a fearful avoidant with chronic over explaining tenderncies i do appreciate it when someone does it..coz i come from a place where i want to understand the other person's perspective

[@angelwings7930]

😂❤

[@reesemorgan2259]

I tend to overshare too. It's bad enough when it's my personal business. I've also shared about loved ones' business. I think it's down to what we used to call "nerves". Doh!

[@oishikaray2767]

@@yeshuasservant2351❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@juliegolick]

One thing that helps me is to write out the long nitty-gritty details in my journal. Sometimes I just feel the need to word-dump SOMEWHERE, but it doesn't need to be with another person. (And often writing it all out helps me process the important part, which is useful when I am later talking to someone else.)

[@Jo-zl1le]

I think this is a really good idea. Definitely helps with processing information.

[@TheCelestialhealer]

That helps me a lot too🙏

[@jsreynolds]

Yes. For the same reason, a piece of writing that has been through a few drafts is easier to read than a first draft with a tangle of thoughts.

[@geronimo4511]

If you, as an autistic person, are this cool, clear and grounded, then autism is something I now aspire to!

[@zumraozturk2186]

This really hit hard. The bell analogy will stick with me for forever. I will remind myself about it everytime when my overexplaining tendency showsup.

[@wildflower1397]

Over-explaining is a real communication issue. That said, there is a huge problem in modern society with wanting everything to be fast and concise. It leads to less connection, fewer friendships, a loss of sense of community, and missing out on the intimacy that comes along with taking the time to fully share your thoughts and listen to others. Also, many people hear the message and move on without really thinking about it. Sometimes we need to take the time to view information from more than one angle, or to contemplate the reasons behind things instead of just taking them at face value. There is value in being clear and specific, but there is also value in expressing yourself in a way that feels natural and authentic to you. Otherwise, we could just use chat GPT to speak for us most of the time.

[@unityforall-md4fl]

Level 1 system quick and fast thinking. Level 2 system , long and detailed thinking. We all have different capacities on level 2 system, depending on the person's mental and physical condition.

[@karstenburger9031]

I think too much info simply tires them, and they expect others to be tired, too.

[@StellaClements-ml3wb]

@wildflower1397 I agree with everything you said. I do think the digital age (despite its benefits) makes us more stressed, impatient & less able to converse person to person. A book called The Shallows by Nicholas Carr explains the way our brains are being changed because of the internet etc. I think shortened texts can often be misconstrued & missing context, which maybe one reason for our desire to over explain. Wishing you all the best. 😊

[@StreetLifeIndia]

@@StellaClements-ml3wb Recently read The Shallows. And I know what you are saying.

[@fitfam2410]

I actually use chat gpt to help me address my over explaining tendency

[@hawaiianbabyrose]

besides the fear of being misunderstood, i think there's another aspect to this that wasn't mentioned: namely, i _enjoy_ building up the case with all the minute details falling to their place. i find it beautiful when it's complete, and a joyful challange to construct. i think it's an art to itself, but people usually aren't in "let's appreciate the artful complexities of life" mode and more in "what the hell are you babblin' on about mate, just say it and be done with it already" mode meeting halfway sounds a good idea then

[@jimwilliams3816]

Yes!

[@sonnenschein553]

This is so important. I didn't understand how I should enjoy writing short texts. Until I found out that it is also an art.

[@tiraluvr941]

Omg yes I love this explanation of the very things I do 😊

[@honorburza9110]

Yes I agree with this. And yes, building up a case like a legal case, all the detail to back it up.

[@yvonnemariane2265]

There is a _divine_ness to the mental and scientific/logical/innovating process of arriving at conclusions that too many are okay to shrug their shoulders at and move on!

[@sezmology]

Hi Paul, Thanks for sharing. I just blew a 2nd job interview by over-explaining and oversharing. I feel a complete idiot when it happens. All these comments help me to not feel so hard on myself, so thank you all xx ☺️

[@marcimccann1109]

Be encouraged, I've done the same thing too. This is why I am self employed 😊

[@BetterNeurodivergentTravel]

Oh yes. I've identified several times I blew an interview because I spoke too much or too little

[@grooviechickie]

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. 😂

[@Robinsunshine83]

It took me 3 interviews to get the job I have now ..

[@sezmology]

@@Robinsunshine83 lol, yes, I’m working on a new application for same job with an alternate employer now 🤞🥰 thanks 😎

[@Foe-o9j]

Great video, especially with the bell concept! I am autistic, and definitely an overexplainer. In the last few years, I've noticed my mother is a horrendous overexplainer, and I've started to really detest that habit. It's like I'm being held hostage. I've said on occasion at the end of a phone call, "Okay! You gotta go! It's fine!" I think your explanation of explaining a lot, as a way to connect with someone rather than as ONLY rooted in anxiety, is excellent. I think there's more to this, though, and that's where attachment theory comes in.

[@iamjayjay6790]

100% agree on this. It took me 40 years to master “keeping it short and simple”. Now I’m midful of this, life is so much easier.

[@LOwens-xf8yo]

The less I expect to be understood by others, the better I understand myself

[@nix1434]

This has been a mantra that keeps showing up for me. Understand as opposed to understood !!!!

[@DAA314]

Phrases like this sound profound. Would you please elaborate on what the connection is between one's expectation to be understood and one's actual understanding of themselves? Would not expecting people to know my favorite color make me like that color even more?

[@berryinj]

@@DAA314 Does knowing your favorite color help you understand yourself at all? Maybe start there haha personally, I think it makes sense that constantly battling to make yourself seen and heard in the face of other peoples' misunderstandings of you probably causes a lot of inner turmoil and confusion and self-doubt, so by proxy of that, maybe NOT fighting/paying attention to what others think about you will help you feel more solid and assured in your sense of self. That's what I got from it.

[@oscarh1697]

​@@berryinj yes

[@lindajones6835]

When someone texts me a short answer, I think they are mad at me or don’t have time for me, or being rude. If someone texted me”I don’t feel heard” without explaining why, I would think they were angry and in fight mode. I like a little explanation. To me it shows they care how I feel.

[@kabo0m]

Same. My mom would suddenly say on the home phone that she has to go and I would think she was mad at me but turns out she had to go to the washroom.

[@ConstructiveMinds100]

Maybe he is psychopath promoting his psychopathic rules. 😂

[@JesusLovesTheLost]

I know exactly how you feel, Texting was always a disaster for me emotionally in romantic relationships. I'm happily single now.

[@Christeenia]

I totally agree!

[@Truemercy703]

Yes, we are in an era where emojis must be used to convey the sentiment so there’s no misunderstanding !

[@PeteLewisWoodwork]

For me, a simple one-paragraph written explanation can quickly become a full-blown treatise on the subject (which I end up frequently editing).

[@PeteLewisWoodwork]

I am often told that I am 'very vocal' in forums and the like.

[@PeteLewisWoodwork]

I guess I just find it hard to contain myself. 😐

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

I often times just respond in bullet points because it's a nice compromise between nice prose and saying all the stuff that I'd like to say.

[@weirdsweetcoolplants]

Can I add "occasionally outspoken" to that comment for myself and possibly others also?

[@marilyn3711]

I feel this way also. And I watch other people texting effortlessly while involved in another activity. And I'm like, "let me go in my room so I can answer this text." And then I come out exhausted.

[@jeandixon586]

I agree with everything you've said, so simply and clearly. Two things I've realised by my (at times) over-explaining. 1: It's to make sure I'm being fair to whoever / whatever I'm talking to or about, and 2. That the overwhelming majority of people simply don't have the requisite intellect to absorb or understand what is being said or written. Your own ex-psychologist being one of them. And people often don't bother to read a message or email thoroughly in most cases.

[@Thalanox]

This is one place where being smarter than average causes extreme friction.

[@dorineverhoef6322]

the last 10 years of my life have been one big mental exercise, starting with wondering if my daughter is autistic and now finally coming to terms that (although many years of therapy have never confirmed it), I am also autistic. My mom and grandmother are probably autistic, although my mom for sure will not hear of it. I can remember, at around 12 years old, thinking: Oh, so that's how they do it. Practicing faces in front of the mirror, remembering my professors getting really frustrated with me when they asked me that simple "yes, or no" question and I just couldn't do it. Wondering if I was the only sane person in a completely bonkers world, or when I was going back to my home planet. What is the most annoying thing is that most people will not acknowledge this new found information on myself. I have walked around with one big fat question mark over my head, yet people tell me I am too social, too "at ease" around other people. Yet what they don't see is that I flap my hands after having been around people, get super hyper and then need at least one day if not two without any (social) obligations. I hate, that now I have finally found out why I am how I am, that I still do not get acknowledged. That hurts me, because connecting with people has always been a struggle. Now that I finally want to let the world know, they still think I am weird but not autistic weird. :(

[@dorineverhoef6322]

was that over-explaining or over-sharing? LOL

[@Anonymissus]

@dorineeverhoef6322 idk, maybe both, I've been guilty of over-sharing as well but I'm not autistic

[@hollyspeckle]

I don’t think explaining ones ideas or feelings is a negative trait or a bad habit. I love to receive (and send!) deep messages and read every word with interest. What about the beauty of a long philosophical letter? My dear Lucilius- it’s pointless to fear death. Best wishes, Seneca.

[@Volkbrecht]

The trick is to mind your audience. If you have a friend that is interested in deep philosophical exchanges, go for it, enjoy yourself. But if you are at work, don't waste people's time. Ideally, keep tabs on people: is this someone who already failed at processing written information? Maybe I should call them, or walk by their office when I have something I need them to be aware of. In general, the idea behind targeted information is: what do I need to communicate to make people act the way I want them to? Communication is rarely its own purpose.

[@Tormekia]

Someone put it to me like this, and it REALLY hit hard. "You think you're helping them understand your position. All they hear is you going on and on about how wrong you are. Normal people don't explain themselves unless they've fucked up BIG." I was like oh.

[@reneelibby4885]

normal people kinda suck. lol. normal people also think apologizing is a weakness. maybe that's just us living in a messed up society...

[@deborahcurtis1385]

@@reneelibby4885 I agree. Pathologizing those who seek real understanding, empathy and depth seems very messed up.

[@reneelibby4885]

@@deborahcurtis1385 it boils down to being outnumbered.

[@deborahcurtis1385]

@@reneelibby4885 Exactly. So pragmatically it's good to ask yourself before sharing: is their need to know greater than my need to share? Mostly the answer is no, unfortunately... LOL!

[@deemaysie6568]

@@reneelibby4885yes, modern society is now so narcissistic, that it is now longer normal. All humans are flawed, and if they mess up, the "normal" thing to do is to apologize and to genuinely try to do better the next time. Apologizing should be viewed as a strength and an indication of an honourable character - NOT as a weakness.

[@tiddlypom2097]

I realised that for me one issue I have is I get frustrated trying to answer questions I didn't expect: sometimes I don't have the answer immediately. So I tend to try to think of all the possible questions and give the answers up front. But you're right: it's better to treat it more like a conversation, give the key and then wait and answer questions as they come up. I also need to learn to say "I'll get back to you on that" if I can't answer right away

[@bravogoof]

My friend sent me this video today without any context and wow did it resonate. My reasons for overexplaining have been because of pressure that I feel based on my interpretation of someones verbal or non-verbal language, me believing that short concise answers can come off as dismissive and lacking interest in who I am speaking with and other times I feel unexpressed thoughts is like stopping my breathing. This video is insightful with how over explaining can be more harmful than beneficial because just like so much of what we do, balance applies as well. Its not what it is we like, but how much of it we get that we like.

[@koreysamuelson5156]

I've always considered my striving to provide the full context of what I'm trying to say a positive, online or otherwise. Now I see how I've been making my life harder. Not any more. This comment is shorter than it would have been prior to watching your video. Thank you.

[@Sparen66]

Àt times people will say, " Get to the point." Jumping to the point does not always make sense to them and they ask for more information. I have become accustomed to just boiling things down instead of overexplaining, since I haven't figured out how much explaining is enough. This also varies for each friend and family member.

[@justbeegreen]

I do this all the time. Didn’t know this had to do with executive dysfunction. Thanks for sharing this.

[@felixoupopote]

I think THEY have executive dysfunction. What kind of arrogant, lazy moron skims everything?

[@Volkbrecht]

It doesn't have to. Communication is one of those things where everyone expects you to be good at it, but there never is any real training. We just make it up as we go along. Depending on the feedback you get throughout your life, and more importantly the lack thereof, you can easily maneuver yourself into a dead end without even knowing. Which is why there is a whole industry of authors and coaches making bank with communication advice and training.

[@christinejeffrey3031]

I’ve always been a chronic overexplainer & over sharer. This has been the bane of my existence. Finding out I’m AuDHD explains a lot!

[@giovannamoro8564]

It's part of adhd ! 😂 i do the same

[@chrisjeffrey4212]

@@giovannamoro8564 & ASD

[@zezezep]

​@@giovannamoro8564 as do i

[@Volkbrecht]

This is the type of comment that confuses me. Does it really help you to understand why you are like this? Shouldn't you be more interested in finding ways to deal with the actual problem? Despite being NT, I used to have these overexplaining problems, too. Until someone made me aware of them, and then I looked into communication training. Problem solved.

[@sukimarmelaide4030]

​@@Volkbrecht I apologize if I am being rude, but if you are neurotypical, then why are you here and why are you commenting? Obviously, for those of us who are neurodivergent, these are helpful and emotional realizations. If we could just take a communications course, we obviously would.

[@relaniprudhomme2778]

My mind is blown by this video. It explains so much about decades of miscommunication, all-nighters, endless email rewrites, lack luster responses to my lengthy texts. So much. It has always baffled me how people could leave things up for interpretation, unless it was poetry. If I can think of several ways of interpreting something, I will get hung up, when everyone else is fine with it. I also love juicy communication that articulates with exactitude, but with a dash of style and humor.

[@ColoradoMntn1222]

I'm not done with the video, but my heart broke when you accused yourself of irreparably damaging your relationship with your psychologist by sending a long email and over-explaining. While communicating effectively is an important part of a therapy relationship, the professional is the one who is supposed to be the expert and not shut down from a client just rambling on like people do when they feel misunderstood. It is very common in autism, but I feel like it isn't just us who do that. Or maybe everyone I relate to is actually autistic...lol, probably not...

[@smilemaker8156]

Well said! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@freerideziege6047]

"let it ring"

[@Toolbeltbunnygirl]

Overexplaining often has the joyous effect of making one look like a complete and utter liar. It was even worse when i was in a relationship w a fragile narcassist and they tend to put you on the defensive and get you to explaining and overexplaining, snd if you have that tendency to begin with...i learned from that but its still a problem for me with anyone else. And sweet baby jesus! The texts. Listening to this i realized how much damage ive done to relationships and potential relationships with the epic texts, overexplaining and definitely oversharing. Thing is im aware of it as I'm doing it. Just havent managed to learn to control it yet.

[@phoenixchick5088]

I can't stand it when ppl think over explaining means ur lying! It feels like that perspective is just dumb. Like they picked the quickest, surface level response. No critical thinking, just boop ur lying.

[@Toolbeltbunnygirl]

@@phoenixchick5088 You're right, but I understand that bad liars tip their hands by providing excessive details. It's tough to reign that in during job interviews as well for me. I do many things that make me appear shifty and less than truthful, interviewer asks a question, being autistic I need to reflect before answering and I turn my gaze away in thought, i tough my face, make unusual facial movements (I hate it when people call them nervous tics). None of these things are indicators of falsehood. But...folks be dumb and shortsighted.

[@jimwilliams3816]

Oh, what a delightful thought! I somehow was not aware that excessive detail was associated with lying. That’s especially awkward at the moment, because I recently explained something to someone that falls under the heading of “c’mon, what are the odds of that happening?” - and I sort of hoped that the specific details I provided lent credulity. Which, now that I think about it, would be why liars add detail. It was true though, dammit!

[@Szan-40]

I did the same and haven't stopped doing it. I simply found a husband who didn't mind that I overshared and overexplained. Now for the first time I'm happy in a relationship. I don't think the solution should be that we need to force ourselves to change. Maybe autistic people should be in relationships with other autistic people. I think my husband is on the spectrum too and that's why he doesn't mind it at all. He even supports it.

[@MJ-hl1kk]

@@Toolbeltbunnygirl I know, right? The more ignorant they are, the more confidently judgmental. Phew!

[@amyfisher6380]

I do this all the time. I’ll send my sister really long texts (overexplaining), expecting her to read every word, but then I realize from her responses that she didn’t, she just skimmed my texts and gets confused by what I’ve said. I also do this when I’m posting comments on social media. One simple comment on something I’ve experienced in my life turns into a very wordy biography. (Oversharing) This video is useful for learning how to dial it back.

[@EmberTársad]

It's so sad and I feel for you.

[@ashleygwenolyn]

There is science on the bilingual brain that shows people communicate from the “logical” or “rational” side of the brain in their second language. We share our feelings best in our first language, and we synthesize best in our second. Ironically I am writing this in my first language so it took me twice as long.

[@SGpotatokat]

This is one of those videos I wish I could like multiple times. Yes, yes, yes, yes yes. I needed this information.

[@DJwarthog]

I over analyze and over explain usually because I’m processing my thoughts/feelings on scene. I have a deep desire to be understood because of the countless times I’ve been misunderstood, regardless of the methodology used in that moment.

[@zislec]

"State your truth once“ man this simple sentence makes so much sense! Thank you.

[@jaycarver4886]

"I don't need to share 100% of what I'm thinking in the first blip of the conversation." Thanks, Paul, that's very wise advice. Now let's see if I can follow it! 🤣

[@jimd1179]

I just randomly clicked on this video and was blown away by how similar the subject of over explaining is to my own ADHD behaviour. I also got a kick out of how you said you should “wrap up now” when the bar showed at least 5 minutes left in the video! 😂 I’ll certainly follow up now on your “Autism and ADHD” video. Thanks for the great content. ❤

[@bevshalts7020]

That metaphor - ring the bell once then let it resonate. Don't keep ringing the bell- because that's just perceived as noise, and people will cover their ears ...that really resonates with me!

[@TheSimArchitect]

It happens to me because I want to be specific on my requests and I want to provide enough information to receive a solution instead of having to interact multiple times. Neurotypicals still want to waste our time following a script and will still ask us to turn it off and on again even when we said we already did it. You are right about people skimming instead. I notice oversharing or being emotional doesn't seem to help the other person having empathy and being more helpful than otherwise.

[@reneelibby4885]

I've found it very freeing to just assume that people lack empathy ( even if they do have it ) and so therefore I'm not worried about feeling hurt over their lack of empathy. lol . Kindness and empathy I now treat as a pleasant surprise from people. maybe negative - but works for me!

[@MWear-x8t]

I used to get so upset when my sister would tell me not to do this, or give me advice on how to talk to other people. I thought she just thought she was better than me and had to tell me how to live. I was really angry as I felt infantilized. Now, if I have an important email, I send it to her first to see what I can take out of it. She was just trying to help, but it made me feel bad about myself.

[@Hangrynurse]

You are so lucky to have such understanding family. My family won’t even speak to me much less help me anymore.

[@MWear-x8t]

@@Hangrynurse I'm sorry they don't speak to you. That must be hard.

[@fleetwoodbeechbum]

Oh man! I wish you were around to say this to me 45 years ago!

[@shoelacedonkey]

Time travel is real! (no it isn't, but how awesome it would be if it was...).

[@fleetwoodbeechbum]

@@shoelacedonkey Back when moi was more autistic, moi did see future parts of me life. Still have one more major event and the cool thing is that since they'd been seen, moi would be safe to land on every flight until then. Tho, I gotta admit, moi is wondering if that last scene is the last possible scene, if ya know what I mean. Seeing the past is the same feeling as seeing the future. With the same resolution. But, keeping with the program of simplicity, I'll leave it at that.

[@MicahMicahel]

why? the over explaining leads to an increased sentience. Why is everyone amazed? Why do people want to not do this?

[@bentonrp]

Yes, 45 years is definitely too long for you to be explaining one thing.

[@watchin_kc]

100% Solid advice.. Im very familiar withacting on the impulse to over explain... especially in texts.. It's embarrassing but I still do it sometimes particularly if my anxiety is up.. My friends poke fun at me because I try to use proper punctuation in text messages, as if I were writing a novel with all the commas,quotes, and capitalizations etc... I deal with PTSD issues and ADHD etc. As far as I know I'm not autistic and here I am over explaining in this comment lol..

[@swishyfish2003]

This all make so much sense. I keep getting told I’m being defensive, which is frustrating because I just want the other person to understand me.

[@ZTriggerGaming]

I’ve learned not to try to explain my autism. People get very uncomfortable when I go into detail, but don’t understand the implications when I simply tell them I’m autistic. The best approach I’ve found is to just tell people I’m having some mental health struggles and leave it at that. People tend to accept that as it’s something that is more common to hear these days.

[@lisalasers]

i say i have adhd because it’s true and more understood

[@MicahMicahel]

don't. keep it a secret and learn to cope. that's the way it was before and autistic people were better. The coddling makes autistic people weak.

[@DriftlessWarrior]

Yeah, there's still just way too many people out there with misconceptions or outdated notions about autism. I too have found it's way easier to say "mental health struggles." Not really a lie because I have yet to meet anyone on the spectrum who hasn't had them from just trying to live in a world meant for neurotypicals. I've certainly had my share of issues.

[@EmberTársad]

Guys, this is so sad. I'm sorry for your experiences.

[@DriftlessWarrior]

@@EmberTársad Thank you. That was very kind of you to write that. Encouraging comments to people you don't even know can make a huge positive difference in the world. Have a great day!❤

[@cris_matx]

Wow, you did a video about over explaining, without over explain anything, even when that's the subject which you also struggle. Bravo! Thank you!

[@gaines_gal]

Omg ME to a tee! I used to not be like this and then fell into the pattern, because of having so many people misunderstand me. I am so particular that I will talk cyclically, until I find the precise word to convey the extent of my emotions or the true nature of my intentions. It is exhausting and honestly, Allistics usually still apply meaning in-between my very direct communication. 😢

[@DaughterofDiogenes]

Oh yes indeed. Indeed so hard.

[@DaughterofDiogenes]

@@nonya.bizness I wish I could travel with you and talk endlessly about everything and laughing at ourselves the whole way. ☺️

[@MicahMicahel]

@@nonya.bizness don't review it. leads to neuroticism.

[@EmberTársad]

Ahh, same here...

[@jennifergray2922]

This was so incredibly helpful. I’ve never heard this tendency to overexplain … well… explained so well, let alone with helpful tips to avoid doing it.

[@IAMHEATHER.C]

I love when ppl like this “get way off topic”. We end up learning more from what they consider a rant!😊

[@Colcyon]

This has been one of the hardest things for me as I've grown up quietly in my little world. Once I entered adulthood, I felt compelled to make up for lost time... only to be met with annoyance and indifference with my oversharing that I now feel like I never know when I should speak and when I should stay quiet. I feel like I talk in broken English because I stop myself prematurely or censor it to keep it simple and concise in a fast-paced society. Still, I end up just feeling resentful for not being fully myself and am starting to realize that I'm reverting to my childhood years of just remaining silent. I've been diagnosed in my early 30s, and it's really been both a blessing and a curse to understand your diagnosis somewhat but not to know how to adapt with others for simple acceptance. I always appreciate the advice in these videos and will take it to heart what I can do to improve in social life.

[@AG-hx6qn]

Totally relate to what you said...

[@DaughterofDiogenes]

Is it okay that now that I’m turning 44 I don’t think I care anymore. I am so tired of caring about what other people think about me. I’m so tired of considering other people who aren’t willing to consider me. I’m just so tired. I’m fine with everyone being misunderstood all the time around me because I’m light years ahead by the time they catch up anyway. I just give up. So yes if you are young and needing help not being so autistic, have at it. But I’m telling you I did everything to be accepted and it never helped anything so I’m just freaking DONE. 😂😂

[@jennifercrow189]

Loved what you said and I feel the same way! Only took me 79 years🤦

[@metadaat5791]

yeah!! I'm the same age and feel very much the same. This channel is imho useful for learning _about_ autistic traits and learn about yourself, but imho sometimes it also bends over backwards to appease the neurotypicals, a bit too much 🙂

[@DaughterofDiogenes]

@@metadaat5791 oh I’m so happy you said that. I totally agree. Orion Kelly is about the only autistic creator I watch regularly anymore because he is one of the few who isn’t like that. He talks to allists about how to be better to autistic people and I love it!! I found this channel about a year or two ago and it helped me understand what burnout was and how to navigate it which will be forever grateful for, but I’m too tired and too old to play these games with allists and NTs anymore. It really kills your spirit and leaves you empty which I say from personal experience. I did all the stuff I was supposed to and when it got to hard to do anymore, everyone who claimed to love me turned on me the moment I wasn’t a doormat anymore. So what was the use. 35 years of heavy masking to end up alone and having to start over. Totally not worth it. I could’ve just been myself this entire time and have a network of good people who actually care about ME. Which is what I’m building now. I only mask now if I have a job interview or something. Other than that I’m always me.

[@jeff6413]

Same here. The advice in this video made me hate people more. I'm also 44 and I'm also done trying to please people who don't care about me.

[@felixoupopote]

yup

[@ivanaamidzic]

I overexplain at times, if I really care, in written communication, which is my weakest point, at work & in my personal life.😢 I need to be able to clarify with voice, on the phone or in person. I misinterpret written communication and my writing constantly gets misinterpreted. Especially with new people but also with those I know for years! My attempts to repair situation usually end in disaster. I recently had a bad fall out with someone I met at work and genuinely cared about. He did not know about my Autism and took my insisting to talk in person or on the phone as me being demanding or somehting. All I wanted was to explain about autism and have a chance to do it in real time with voice, to clear misunderstandings. I never got a chance for that.

[@MsDanie-wo5tw]

At 6 min into your video and tears are streaming down my face. I wish I saw your video months ago…..or related videos that you made years ago. I don’t often feel misunderstood but maybe it’s because I talk to hear myself talk or no one has just been such a good communicator they were able to tell me when the conversation for them would go into left field making me one they wanted to distance themselves from, while ironically because oversharing felt a false sense of deeper connection with someone who both didn’t really care to hear any of these things in my verbose messages nor did the have the time and or patience to deal with someone with probably as much baggage I have which in hindsight should have never been disclosed so soon all at once. I got over,y excited liking someone because that level of infatuation comes around rarely for I wanted his attention too much going about the wrong way. I wonder if I will be mindful of this behavior in the future and have more control over impulsiveness. I had no idea what SMS stood for. I also come from academia and am most comfortable communicating similarly in all conversations. Then it ends up being all the monologues and a disinterest person on the other side p. Though sometimes, honestly, I’ve used it to vent or process some of my shit and I will feel so much lighter but never really consider how it makes the reader feel when deciding these messages and maybe I’ve been too selfish and self centered to even care if or how it landed on them and I see how it was unfair, unkind and not some of my best moments. I will try to change going forward dont feel super confident I will have much success. I have operated so long doing things the wrong way how do I get back to “normal” or “back or track “ or simply anything but repeating this scenario over and over

[@NeanderthalWoman-ou8ev]

This is really good. It took me 40 years to learn this. One caveat: I know someone who jumps to conclusions, and strongly reacts to the one-sentence main point without asking about any relevant details. I'm not sure how to deal with that, but overexplaining out the gate probably still isn't the answer.

[@lindagreengrass9898]

I have been both an over explained and sharer. At 72 I am understanding why now finally. It is something to be mindful of but difficult. Thanks Paul.

[@heidimj1380]

This makes so much sense. This is a pain point in my job. My boss essentially "returns" my emails and asks to revise them with bullet points. He sarcastically called my emails "prose". It was hurtful...but for work, I see the benefit of your suggestions. (The above paragraph started out 4 times the size and hopefully I got my point across! 😊)

[@Paula-wk2cl]

😂

[@theempirestrikesback]

I have to constantly do this with work emails. I think of it from boiling it down from a narrative to just the main bullets. If they don't get it, they'll ask for more info

[@heidimj1380]

@@theempirestrikesback Very good way to put it 🤗

[@bellakrinkle9381]

Someone sent me this! I'm not OCD, but definitely obsessive compulsive. Finally, I understand why I bombard everyone I care about, videos to HELP their mental health issues. Last night I decided to STOP. The timing of this vid is PERFECT. The new-old autistic.

[@brandyD33]

This is profoundly helpful for me. I cannot thank you enough. Life-changing advice. Bless you

[@Volatile-Tortoise]

I needed to watch this many years ago, then re-watch it every year since.

[@NarcissisticAbuseHealing]

This is such a big thing for me. I constantly fear that people will not understand my point of view. Sometimes I go back to text messages I send and see if I maybe missed something so I can quickly add it before the other person responds. It is something I am working on.

[@deborahcurtis1385]

Most people are busy, superficial and struggling with life themselves. They don't feel the need to comprehensively understand very much at all. They want you to make them feel good about themselves, so they will pepper conversations with superficialities. If you want to get along with them do not challenge, them, just joke with them and in doing so, give the suggestion that you've got life sorted out. They are neurotypical? OK

[@deemaysie6568]

@@deborahcurtis1385 I am neurotypical and you made me laugh because you have 95% of us very accurately sussed out!

[@rehtaeH013]

This is so validating knowing I’m not the only one who struggles with this! I’ve been working on trying to make my communications more concise for years now, but I definitely find it challenging to filter out the central idea from the details that can be excluded.

[@winterross3519]

I keep it simple: 1. Nobody cares. 2. Most people are stupid or distracted. 3. Don't waste your energy.

[@kimlarso]

💥👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@jcamb72]

That's what I remind myself when I catch myself overexplaining to underlisteners

[@LawTzuTao]

THIS! I waste so much energy only to realize I'm going nowhere. Had I not learned about observing ego, I would never stop until the other person gives up.

[@kaohsiung99]

As a college professor, this seems to be my teaching style. I appreciate your post!!!

[@rustybrand8103]

4. You may be boring people with your over-explanation of details they may already know. Ask yourself how it makes you feel when people over-explain things that you already understand I tend to over-explain and imagining how this make other people feel helps me to be more concise

[@BOOMNERD51]

I too am a chronic over-explainer, who was about to try explaining my life history.

[@AlyMikos]

Thank you for this. Ive long been an over-explainer and recently started a KZbin channel. You’re insight on this topic and techniques to improve have relevance to me in multiple areas. Much appreciated.

[@Norplinger]

Funny thing is, I only realised how much of a problem this can be when I was trying to organise an event with other autistic people for the first time. We were all sending such long emails to each other that it was taking forever to get anything done. I have done this all my life and I've been ignored, dismissed and/or ridiculed far more often than I've been heard. It's very frustrating!

[@NickSBailey]

I definitely over-explain a lot, makes sense about the executive functioning idea, I wonder if when communicating to other autistics some would actually prefer more detail, I'm sure I would, condensing it down into a short summary seems like an extra step to accommodate neurotypicals in a way, their natural thinking style is top down while we build up with details. A longer message to me tells me the other person is interested in what's been discussed and put effort in to think about it thoroughly, but if my ADHD side takes over that day I will go into skim mode and miss important bits too as a NT would who just wants to move on to the next thing.

[@jaycarver4886]

I'm an overexplainer and an oversharer. I’ve been a lifelong learner and the things I know don't seem to want to remain in my head. It's like they are trying to burst out and I end up talking excessively or sending people unsolicited links to various "COOL" info. Rarely is it appreciated or even acknowledged. I'm trying to better control myself. Argh. 🤐

[@hawaiianbabyrose]

i do the same, but since learning the very "cool" fact about people having limited capacities to process the info we're sharing with them i turned it around to some tactical game where instead of infodumping or sharing stuff without context that's likely to be dismissed or forgot about, i spend a good amount of time 'breadcrumbing' the info beforehand even if i have the totality of what i want to share, and 'pace it out' so that the receiver has the time to warm up to it this admittedly comes with restricting myself at times but it's a lot better than crashing full force and then bouncing back, and what's better people _are_ actually open if you give them a bit of time in-between bite sized information cookies another thing that comes to mind which is pretty self-explanatory but still took me time to accept is that i cannot share everything with everyone, even if i know it Would be useful for them IF they were open to it - bc people are naturally more closed to the way some info presents itself i learned that if i cannot cater the information to their taste, _that's also on me_ , that is to say, i can change that - IF _I_ decide to allocate capacity for it

[@ldmatheson]

Try blogging to organize your thoughts and take the edge off your enthusiasm so that you can titrate it more appropriately in person

[@wisdomhappy]

My curiosity is insatiable and I love being curious and I always love sharing and I sent too many links and I overwhelmed people. But if I’m going to provide you information, then I want to be very thorough and provide multiple resources from different aspects and angles to make sure it’s fully covered. People always freak out, but I’m thinking I did all the work for you so you don’t have to do it. And I’m very particular and precise and what I said because I have to be truth and accurate :) Did you know most humans are synthesis.

[@jaycarver4886]

@@wisdomhappy OMGoodness. You've described me perfectly. There's nothing left to say. Thank you!

[@Blessed77792]

Great video, came up on my feed for the first time. PRO-TIP: do not say /make excuses whilst you’re talking - like “I shouldn’t have said that / I should stop now” 🙂 Just pause….if you feel you want to say anything that you feel uncomfortable with. The receiver will let you know if they need more or less info. Whilst listening, I did not experience that you said too much, and when you said it, I was like ‘what??, no you’re not’

[@kimberlyjacobsen4148]

I’d love to clarify that I’m not over-explaining! You see, when it comes to the fine art of communication, it’s crucial-nay, essential-to ensure that the nuances, details, and subtle intricacies of the message are conveyed with such precision that there’s absolutely no room for misunderstanding. And so, what might seem like over-explanation is really just an exercise in thoroughness! After all, who wouldn’t want every possible angle examined, every potential question preemptively answered, and every “i” not just dotted, but decorated with a tiny, elegant flourish? Now, I understand if it seems like I’m going into a lot of detail here, but rest assured, this is all part of the process! Imagine if I were to simply state the point and leave it at that-oh, the potential for confusion! The sheer chaos that could ensue from a lack of elaboration! So really, it’s not over-explaining at all-it’s just ensuring we leave no stone unturned, no idea unexplored, and no metaphor left hanging. It’s about making sure that when we finish this conversation, you walk away not just with understanding, but with an appreciation for the full symphony of thought behind it! And just to clarify-because, you know, clarity is key-this whole explanation is simply a testament to the fact that over-explaining isn’t what’s happening here. It’s more like… enthusiastic communication! Or perhaps you could call it a celebration of details! After all, who doesn’t enjoy a little extra garnish on their intellectual meal?

[@KatharinevonSchubert-fh6sk]

I seem to compulsively seek closeness to people when it is not really appropriate - and also am learning to simplify what I say to people - but it is so painful, when the expectation/ my drive is to "be close" to people by finding that agreement together. So very helpful! thanks

[@magpie3571]

Near the end, you said, "I am way off topic now...", but just before that, I thought, "Wow, that illustration helped me understand what he's been explaining." TY

[@NeanderthalWoman-ou8ev]

Yeah, I also didn't think he was off topic.

[@Kronida]

I overexplain myself and about a lot of things because 1) obvious things to me usually aren't for people (just as the way obvious things for them are a total mystery to me) and 2) and more relevant to me, because I'm often, very VERY often misunderstood 😐 I was practically all my life and still I am... Usually it doesn't matter when taking to total strangers, just "X" people to me; but when it has to do with my people, family and beloved ones snd what they think about me, when it has to do with my honor as a person person, or when I'm about to suffer/receive unfair things that I don't deserve or doors are being unfairly closed to me I have no choice but overexplain... once again 😑

[@JesseDylanMusic]

I get it too… it’s hard! :( part of me also finds overexplainers relatable and endearing, cause of the similarity to myself. But of course that’s probably not how most people react, and even I don’t all the time 😂

[@aajohnsoutube]

I read all of that and get it!

[@PeterMoore-u8p]

I share your struggle on point (1). So if we're over-explaining as a way to spell out the non-obvious things, our intent is good, but we're doomed! Because the things we assume will be misunderstood probably aren't the things that will actually be misunderstood. It's basically the double-empty problem, plus the Dunning-Kruger effect: we just don't have the "competence" to know how we'll be misunderstood. I really loved the example in Paul's video about the Hawaii vacation, and digging into all the details before you even know if the other person can go. Basically, we can't know where we'll go wrong, so just start small, and iterate. Which is totally inefficient and uncomfortable, unless you happened to start with a misunderstanding; then it saves lots of time and energy.

[@Kronida]

@@PeterMoore-u8p Thanks for the advice but we can know when 99.999% of time we've been misunderstood in some specific topics which practically we can talk about with only one or two persons in the world, so I took that attitude of overexplaining before only and exclusively with those particular topics, and nothing else. Then, normally I end overexplaining after I was misunderstood, just the way I'm doing now. Besides that way of overexplaining in me has nothing to do with Dunning Kruger, sorry, but I'm not that kind of silly, obtuse and uncritical basic person, I perfectly know that I don't know everything, I'm perfectly aware of my own limitations and that I'm not inside people's minds, ohhh and how HOW much I know that!!! I specifically said also I don't understand what's obvious to most people, do you remember, right?, so, please discard Dunning Kruger cause I don't believe I'm the one knowing everything about every topic or every person way of thinking and nor a person who think about herself as a person with the gift of divination or one making assumptions about everything or everyone. In fact I can't stand discussing based in suppositions, because 1) suppositions made about me are usually wrong (your message could be a good example about that if you wasn't using the word "if" at the beginning. Anyway, to those persons who apply (who overexplain before a feedback) you could say "it may be/probably Dunning Kruger" but no, you choose to say "it's basically this and that", you were making an factual judgement about that attitude without even knowing every particular case based in your correct appreciation that we are not fortune tellers who manage the "art" of divination 2) Did I say I overexplain BEFORE the other person can even talk? Before a feedback. No, I didn't say so, so why would you theorize about that? who knows!!! But that (and worse things, I mean factual judgement) almost always happens to me; and 3) Because suppositions doesn't really mean nothing in a serious talk, I prefer facts, and 4) Because most of the time I myself cannot understand people assumptions so usually I fail in social interactions, or at best I can't understand why they do that. At the end, oh my gosh! overexplaining again, but in this particular case, kind of "thanks", in a way, you showed a good tiny example of what's very common in my life, misunderstanding and and a tendency to be judged so lightly; but this wasn't exactly that because you used the word "if", and not, it was not my case, I don't usually overexplaining before a feedback. So this is very mild indeed, in other cases I was unfairly treated and labeled practically as a monster, as a person without ethics or principles even when I defend my principles and what I consider is right even at the cost of being left alone (even more) and more ironically, I've been labeled as a religious fanatic and as a satanist, as a person of radical left and radical right, as a liberal, progressive and ultra conservative person, and there's more... and they're all wrong!!! Anyway, my regards! 🙌

[@MariaElena51185]

@@Kronidalol, I get it! And you caught it.. the over explaining. I skimmed your comment.

[@StillWaters82]

Thank you for this video. Very helpful, especially around seeing text messages as a conversation. Many thanks 🙏

[@esmoldt]

I am an over explainer and what you said about executive function really made sense to me. I was in a bad motorcycle wreck when I was younger and sustained a traumatic brain injury. This affected the frontal lobes and brain stem. Executive function is handled by the frontal lobes. Finally, I have a possible explanation for why I have done this so much as well as a motivation to be more aware of it in the future. Thank you!

[@TheMysticSaint]

My old boss used to say if he asked me the time, I'd build him a clock. 😂

[@ThylakoidsRGo]

😂

[@benrex7775]

The guy I did my bachelor thesis with said, if he asked me for my opinion I gave him all the factors that contribute to the conclusion and left the conclusion to him.

[@BestDoge]

I am also a chronic overexplainer with autism. I feel extremely seen and heard and validated by this video and I now have much more clarity of mind. You have greatly empowered me. Thank you.

[@BestDoge]

​@TauruSeason That is seriously fantastic to hear and it also gives me a lot of hope. I really need to learn how to use chatgpt for my own specific doge needs. Like doosin a better bamboozle or a faster zoomies, or maybe even how to make a magic food machine like from Star Trek TNG except it gibs ONLY Bepis and nugs and even Spront but definitely not Conk because Conk makes go bonk and everyone knows Conk is sooper cade-nip foar cades and nont consoomable foar doges... And THAT would be a sooper trustable machine that would improve literally evrydoge.

[@ljones5297]

Thanks Paul! I'm not autistic, but have ADHD. You give the clearest explanation of what I struggle with.

[@alexus267]

The point about a special connection and being able to explain your thought process is spot on. Thanks for the video!

[@wmbtech]

This hits too close to home. I'm having relationship issues now to communication breakdown. Only a couple days ago did i make a breakthrough in learning less is more, but this video reinforced and gave new light to everything. Its like a life lesson personally catered to me, and I'm thankful for it. This will help.