Attachment Styles & The Drama Triangle (Part 1): Intro To The Drama Triangle

[@tonyasargent57]

This opened my eyes to how I've been playing all three of these parts within myself and to myself. I commit to save myself by promising myself I will be perfect. Then I persecute myself for not being perfect. Then I feel like a worthless victim for not living up to my unreasonable standards. Thank you for this insite.

[@twinkytobar7509]

I have seen many coaches in youtube lately, but you stand out from the rest because of the way you say difficult things in a simple but deep way. Thanks

[@jbertacchi]

Heidi's video stards: Me: Grabs pencil and paper ASAP Edit.: Seriously, though. Your videos made me realize how vulnerable I am and how much I have to improve to get over my past traumas and have better relationships. Keep up with the great content

[@ScottH7651]

I can't seem to peel myself away from your videos. You are a gift. thank you.

[@kylahyland7048]

You're so right. I follow a PDS on fb, and have come to realise that the number of posts that are posted about asking people to decode texts and reassure people what usually a DA or FA is saying. I started to detach from the school because 99% of posts were nothing to do with healing. Im glad it wasn't all in my head, and what i saw is a real dynamic! FA here 🥰

[@iablameez]

Can't wait for the rest... you really have a way of putting everything simple and easy to understand

[@issacyasrom3421]

I second that

[@jenniferg6818]

@@issacyasrom3421 third.

[@letsgooooooo111]

Its so interesting that after starting therapy i actually stopped playing the saviour and started being a coach. When i leaned to be a creator and how to set boundaries, everything changed normally. Im so happy to be here. Thanks Heidi!

[@lindadunn8787]

Thank you. I "met" Transactional Analysis whilst "in" a process of taking responsibility for myself. I like how you're connecting Attachment Theory and The Drama Triangle.

[@anthonyvasquez951]

Just discovered you and hell yea! I'm glad you combined: attachment styles, drama triangle and the empowerment dynamic! Thank you for doing this! This is awesome

[@rightbrainrevolution]

SO good, Heidi!💖👏🏻 I've def been all 6, in both triangles, lol.😅 And you are sooo right: the process never, ever, ever ends. Even just having an awareness of these dynamics...helps a ton.

[@danabarlagne7798]

Wow! I'm so glad I found your videos!! Finally out of a Narcissistic relationship of 8 years, then healing and learning about FA. I'm an empath and anxious attachment style person. Learning to self care about me. Thank you Heidi!

[@evolving.as.jen22]

ooooooh! The Empowered Triangle! Coach, Challenger, Creator! Yeah!!! This is such good information!

[@Star-dj1kw]

❤❤ 4:13 EXCELLENT explanation of the Drama Triangle

[@MattKrack]

I totally was in a mostly secure attachement mindset, got into a relationship with an FA (unknowingly due to several factors, and just ignorance) and once they started triggering due to the usual factors for them, it definitely threw me into a way more anxious mode and from there I daily bounced between that and thinking in secure ways. But still it was pretty overwhelming and now just doing the extra work to get better at seeing those situations come up better more on the front end vs the tail end.

[@AthenaIsabella]

This is eye opening!! I love how you paired the two and relate so much to your therapy experience. This is so helpful and you explain so well!

[@AthenaIsabella]

Thank you!! 💛

[@joyfulsilhouette8656]

This really helped me to understand an interaction that I had...it's interesting because based on ur explanation it seems like this person was trying to provoke me into being the rescuer but I have firm boundaries so instead I tried to help him see he doesn't need the rules to bend; he is capable of finding a solution within the rules...then he became so angry and aggressive. So, I tried to help him see he was making a choice that would have consequences but ultimately he is the one in control of himself and therefore in control of the consequence. I validated his frustration and tried to help him navigate his feelings while continuing to have firm boundaries...then one day he said he realized how the situation was actually helping him & he started to feel empowered because he realized he does have options & he can navigate the boundaries. I was really surprised but after watching this video, I understand the situation much better. I couldn't figure out why he was antagonizing me but now it makes sense... because without firm boundaries, it would have been easy for me to move into the role of persecutor or rescuer. (because he kept begging for special treatment and then drowning me in insults when I refused) Very interesting. I appreciate the video

[@chavsmusic]

Thanks so much for this, Heidi. Just on point and on time for me. As a fearful avoidant, when I went online to find out more about avoidant styles after my anxiously attached partner told me I was fearful avoidant, all i found was endless hate. It was NOT fun (t also made me realize a lot within my own relationship, how I may actually be perceived, and possibly, hopefully not, spoken about ) it was painful. I decided not to ignore it as my default disposition generally is. I spoke up - which was quite much growth for me, since as an INFP I’m not naturally a speaker upper. I also eventually left most of these groups and thank god found you tubers who were recommended on the thread of my comment and thus found your channel instead of them groups :). I do find your info to be least biased without the implied message of the focus on how to change etc the (Evil, most likely narcissistic) avoidant So so much more helpful. Your channel also made me realize that as a fearful avoidant my role is to find a way to cut space for myself “within the relationship” rather than withdraw to do so. That it was normal and healthy to figure out a way to do so. It was no doubt the best advice. That AHA moment for me. I still have a long road to go in terms of communication and even knowing what I want into the moment within a relationship without being affected by what I know the other person will want…. But hey, who said growth isn’t always a work in progress. (Unfortunately, My close to 3 year relationship is over at this point :(. Difficult. I e never been in one that i “connected” on this level. It’s been only a week and still doesn’t feel right. But perhaps ultimately it’s for the good)

[@StillWaterLife]

Heidi, I just discovered you a few days ago on KZbin and your videos are amazing. How you describe things in such detail, fleshed out with examples, is very very helpful. Thank you and keep doing what you are doing!

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

My dad is a very weak man, my mother's foot soldier, and I can see how my mother has persecuted me with projections, with his back up. I tried to reverse the persecution (i guess) when I called her out, and she played the victim at first then when that didn't work she flipped it and told me to get help.... My Dad just backs her up no matter what. It was indeed my innate need for justice that made me attempt to make them understand that they shouldn't have projected ''paranoid'' on to me for decades when it was my father who went to a psychiatric hospital with paranoia!! Enjoying this series

[@evolving.as.jen22]

This is soooo good! You're putting together all of my interests and making coherent, wonderfully explained videos about them. I'm so grateful you're doing this!!!! (I see you seeing me, Universe!)

[@chiaraA.]

This was so helpful to learn the 3 corresponding healthy points of a healthy triangle - thanks for all your videos - the work you do is vital

[@matt-g-recovers]

This is amazing. About 1 month ago I was resolved to being alone for the rest of my life. I had absolutely no drive to get into another relationship again ... Then I met somebody or somebody came back into my life who I really like and I feel like I have a really good connection with who feels the same about me and I start blowing it big time with my anxious attachment. This very well might save it this in your other videos and if nothing else, it'll help prepare me for a much better future in my future relationships. So I'm excited about this work

[@menow1650]

thankyou for the reminder that this is a life long endeavor. Today I was thrown for a loop and it's hard for me to see myself on the hamster wheel of feeling the need to fix or fawn just because of an out of the blue email. I'm thankful I can recover to myself and move forward with self love and awareness.

[@ericenvironmentalist9429]

You are absolutely amazing in both your presentation and your flawless understanding of the dynamics are describing. Thank you so much!

[@afine-fellow]

This is the first time I feel like I grok the drama triangle. I can for the first time catch a glimpse of it in my long term relationship.

[@caseytufnell9138]

love this!! I was exploring attachment styles and my sister was exploring the drama triangle - so glad your videos exists for each of us - thank you

[@BClevs]

I've been watching so many videos on attachment theory, and your description of how each style engages in the comments is soooo accurate 😂

[@TomVibeUp]

This needs to be more wide spread. Good job. Keep being you.

[@TheBookOfLife7]

Thank you! I finally know what to do in/with conflicts. Inwardly and outwardly.

[@dlnbm]

Can't wait for part 2

[@louiseelizabeth9613]

Wow. This is so powerful! Really clearly described too, thank you

[@martinastep6355]

Perfect timing of finding this video. ❤

[@nikiti7509]

Wish more people find your content Heidi!! It's so good and empowering! :)

[@franxinatra6192]

One can really feel how and why this topic is so important to you! Thank you for the personal references 💖 I think this fail forward is really how we (ENFPs) learn in life 😹🤗😁

[@vvvvaaaacccc]

I'm realizing that I've been in the drama triangle, and I feel good about knowing that. thanks for the education.

[@TerryMazerolle]

Thank you for this incredibly insightful video.

[@heleneolsenthunem307]

What?? This is so true! How come I’ve never hard if this stuff before damn it 😆 and I read you book about ENFPs! Just realised 😍 that book helped me a lot, thank you.

[@vanimalviya3299]

Yesss! Thank you! I love how you mix those systems and ideas! That Ne!!🤩🤩

[@noturbo]

I walk away after i cant stand it any longer, maybe i can learn something from these videos 😁 so looking forward to more information, thanks i do appreciate your efforts 😁

[@MeghanDonnellyIPY]

Also I love that you said "stay regulated" at the end! 😂 Great edit salutation line!

[@zachmieszala852]

I dig this so much! you got a new subscriber right here.

[@SPSHSP]

Please put a big banner saying “ if you’re going to start working on your attachment style, do this first!!” Uffff another Katie revelation I’ve never seen anywhere else and wish my therapist told me early on. Also how to figure out your Meyers Briggs as I have infp followed by entp come up depending on assessment too. Yes I’m THAT disorganized I can’t even have a consistent personality type 😂

[@frannyowen]

This just blew my mind! ❤

[@akaritakeshige3318]

Oh my gosh! You just worded my complicated emotions so precisely! Recently, I was struggling in the "savior situation" and was JUST seeking help. When's part 2 coming? Eagerly waiting from Tokyo!

[@bumbro07]

When the Drama Triangle came on-screen (Victim, Persecutor, Savior), I immediately cringed and thought "Oh no... all of that is me! I do all of those a lot!" I was pleasantly surprised, however, that although the Creator and the Coach from the Empowerment Dynamic don't seem like roles I have the skills to play yet, I am also very much a Challenger and I try to see every bad situation as a way to improve myself. I mean... maybe that's obvious. That's why I'm here! Anyway. I can't watch to watch the following videos. I think this will really help me because I've been stuck in the Drama Triangle for a long time.

[@katiebee2937]

Heidi you will go down in history as the prophet that saved the lesbians from their lesbian drama 🎭.

[@heidipriebe1]

I'm not sure I've ever loved a comment as much as this one 😂 I will spend my life trying to live up to this ideal, thank you.

[@williambrookings722]

This sort of work always reminds me of the Tool lyric "No fault, none to blame. It doesn't mean I don't desire to point the finger, blame the other"

[@frankieloves7078]

Love love love this ❤️

[@mindzeyelovellution]

This is a fantastic video! Thank you!

[@denisecoles2872]

These videos are so good. ❤

[@vincentcoluccio1263]

Beautifully stated 👍

[@lilyneva]

8:57 But sometimes we do need someone and literally can’t be okay on our own, no? Even as adults. Even if we can say it is likely we’ll recover it seems to me other people do at times concretely impact us. For example, I was (am) in a difficult situation. I couldn’t see less alone take the steps I needed to take to resolve it. I found someone who is trained as a therapist but who counsels couples and families in a church setting. He offered to meet with me at no cost and we met maybe thirteen times. It was very emotionally intense and overwhelming to meet with him. Then he stopped it. The last few meetings were immensely confusing and upsetting and I felt nearly out of control. I felt I could not trust what I was feeling or thinking because I knew my reaction had to be in part about other things and people, but I also couldn’t understand what he was doing or why, or repair the rupture. This is maybe not an ideal example but in this situation, I feel like I genuinely needed his help to be some kind of regulating presence in my life, even if only in the background, to help me feel safe enough to deal with my difficult practical situation. Instead, it seems to me he deliberately or without meaning to intensified things in a bad even dangerous way. It made the situation get out of hand, in a way that left me feeling deeply confused and like I can’t get access to some part within me. As if some things he said, the context, and several other factors have broken something in my mind and I don’t understand how to make myself recover or if it is even something real I feel , because I feel I can’t tell what is real about my experience if any of it. And so it seems this then is an example of a situation in which it is the case that someone (a therapist, who appears to be successful, well liked, maybe wealthy, older than me, male) is being more right about what is right than someone else (the patient, me, who is not in a situation that is comparable to his).

[@paulodufour1195]

Thank you. It is to know thyself, and this is helpful. Do you have any publications?

[@slice66]

I love you Heidi! You are a beautiful human

[@Nowthatswhaticallsedona]

Love your videos and also this style evolution is so cute to watch too!! Even though I’m here for the stretches ears, septum and bleached hair era love your more “‘mature professional” or whatever the heck you say now a days “boss bitch” look now 😂💕 you’re amazing thank you for making all these

[@nickskywalker2568]

My partner definitely has anxious attachment style and it's creating a lot of problem between us. Now, am I securely putting boundaries or am I just a prosecutor rejecting my own responsibilities, eventualy being dismissive avoidant? Thanks for the video by the way!

[@traebadmon]

Speaking to my soul

[@chaitanyajain3127]

Your videos helped me

[@bigbirdtoo]

I love all of your stuff. I just had a general question. It seems like the techniques to get out of the drama triangle are methods of escaping of situations, which I think is great. I was wondering about specific tools to become a secure attached person? If you already have a video could you please send me the link? Thank you

[@edgreen8140]

If you find yourself in a triangle, triangulation is an example. Opt out! Go do something else. Many times they can triangulate w people who are not there. We're no one said such terrible things about you. The usually made it up. You're not disemboweled leave the room; leave the house. Their are not 3 or more people in a relationship. As a psychotherapist I feel this is the best advice. No savior, no victim no nothing. Save yourself, be responsible for yourself. You can't make other people change but you can change yourself.

[@angellombness4371]

Indulge in this information - be empowered.

[@rachelkang6195]

This is soooo goooood

[@pabloravizzoli345]

If you look inside the drama triangle, you'll see my furniture in every corner and my artwork on every wall 🤣

[@cynthiareedy5704]

Love your work…just one request..could you slow down your speech rate. It’s kind of coming fast and I really want to take it in.

[@cdnloastudent1103]

This video is amazing.

[@duygubayram5485]

3:39 - 3:43 I need this downloaded

[@mbalimabaso9485]

Hi please explain to me what is ENFP

[@VoytenTechnologies]

Awesome video

[@veronicaveintimilla8478]

This video reminded me when I went to therapy and everytime I started whinning and saying: oh poor me, my therapitst always encouraged me to stop. She said: ok it’s not about them, it’s about you, you are here not them 😅

[@nchawkin]

Challengers don’t just challenge themselves, they challenge others with calm-assertive energy vs with aggression

[@YouTubeAddict24-7]

On her last question here from 3.59 is what makes you stick around is it trauma bonding because of the past is it an emotional crutch on my side or her or which one of us is it because if I can only guess and not get any feed back for anyone in the comments it's confusing for me so if anyone bother to read this comment let me know this could be very important

[@kelimike]

Triangle 1 is a reaction stance. Triangle 2 is an action stance. Weild power vs react to it. A childhood existing only in Triangle 1, may struggle to believe, relate, initiate, or recognize Triangle 2.

[@Leoneidas]

What does it mean about me if I look at my relationships from both traingles. Switching between seeing it, and more importantly feeling it, from each one depending on my mental state. This then makes me feel better about the relationship, or worse, depending on my perspective. Why do I do this?

[@pmahshid]

Great 👌❤️

[@_DivineTruth_is_Home_]

Thank you ❤

[@solomonelijah]

UGH I JUST LIKE YOU SO MUCH

[@trinsit]

All of this makes me think that relationships aren't real. If you want to be happy, don't rely on anyone for anything because you're the only thing that can change.

[@tedalexander5263]

Good god - how does she do this??

[@felixtownn]

I'm a persecutor. 5:21

[@nickydietrich5924]

Would you have any ideas of the kind of thing a coach would say because I used this, I'm fearful avoidant but my sister is anxious and I had to show up in an argument without fawning, so I asked her a couple of questions. I said 'are you ok?' she had lost her temper. And then I asked why she had lost her temper. I actually made a joke which I was quite proud of myself for. But this took a lot of work. When we started arguing I wasn't physically in the same place as her, so I spent half an hour on the train doing a loving kindness meditation for both of us and writing on my phone the kind of things I would say to her if I could say anything. It really surprised me what I wrote i.e. what I wrote was really angry and insulting. It helped me release the anger because I could see that I was repressing quite an amount of unecessary rage. However, I still need social skills and I only just came up with what to say to her whilst maintaining my boundaries at the last minute.

[@Pennylover2020]

Please slow down a little bit when you’re talking. So much good content! Thank you Heidi

[@rebeccamartin2265]

Here because of Annie Drea🙋🏽‍♀️

[@diederickkruse3821]

Of course this video isn't related to any one of the 16, but I can tell it's good for me to watch some of your videos, too. Weirdly aligns my sub-cognitive functions.

[@rakesh2400133]

Wow ❤

[@lblincoe2094]

Okay I'm somewhat confused. My understanding of what the savior role is, is that it's not a face value approach of authentic empathy and support, it's using this seemingly altruistic approach to essentially create a covert contract with their "victim" partner. This presentation gives the illusion of genuine selflessness, but it's actually just as self focused as the victim or persecutor, correct? Assuming that's accurate, this is where I become confused. I don't understand how one person assuming the victim role FORCES the other person to take on an equally unhealthy role, even if they would've never entered the triangle otherwise. If partner A is operating in a secure, healthy space and never willingly enters the drama triangle, but then partner B steps into the victim role, why must the healthy partner be forced into a role in the triangle by default? Could they not take a supportive, selfless role authentically? Why must their motives be forced as disingenuous, rather than having the option to be sincerely selfless, just by virtue of their partner assuming the victim role? If they're genuinely not trying to create a dependence on themselves with their actions, as the savior role does, why are they still marked by that role? I feel like I must absolutely be missing something or misunderstanding the dynamic somehow... 🤔

[@kelimike]

My takeaway from the video that may answer your question. Savior reacts by meeting the needs of someone by obligation (no executive authority, must do) Partner A may have to save a victim, but if not, it is better to coach a victim, to empower them to save themselves if posible. Also only if healthy and safe to do so. A coach is under no obligation (power to say no). Consistently saving an otherwise healthy partner from the same mistakes can be toxic, and/or build resentment in the savior role, lack of abilty to say no in "that" role.

[@ACT4UCF]

My real question: how rare are heidi priebe level aware people? Struggling to meet one and not sure where to look...

[@dianeibsen5994]

Thank you for the video and the reminder of the drama triangle.. over and over and over and over... I'd like to add that this is not black and white. life is not black and white it's nice to see this clearly, however life is never black and white. I say this from experience I've done this and it can be painful also. Any other scapegoats in the crowd? What if it's your parents and not a partner? My dad being in his own drama triangle of control, judging which I guess is prosecutor not seeing his part. Finger pointing. Etc. How can I get away from all that emotionally!? How to creat Boundaries "cut them out" like you did your boyfriend. How does one deal with all the feeling, fear, anger, rage, guilt, Painful

[@leakubovic9779]

💖✨

[@AurelienCarnoy]

I just say a couple wirh the same dynamics as me and wife, just 20 years older. It was horrible 😢

[@GladwinNewton]

thanks heidi

[@biyancuh]

I also juuust ended a relationship of 9 years that also ended 5 years too late 😂

[@tulip5210]

0:37 FAAAAAAAAAAAACTS

[@MRKetter81]

hmmm.. is this a bit of a paradox? Because I don't see a healthy position in any of the three.. =/ *shrug* // damn spoke too soon.. need to wait till the end of a video before commenting xP

[@PeterZeeke]

heidi must have done some kind of presenting course

[@karenlewkowitz5858]

How do you say shit talk in polite/educated company?

[@shoganflamemasta3975]

You do the INFP ENYJ whatever stuff?? I thought psychologist and psychiatrist all pretty much had a consensus that the test is a bunch of bullshit. There are other test that seem to be held in higher regard in terms of accuracy and scientific rigorousness.

[@SusanDrahos]

🤣 money well spent

[@bonnie1606]

Your content is excellent, but the speed at which you deliver it feels overwhelming. Could you talk more calmly perhaps?

[@SevenRavens007]

Great video only advice is you talk way too fast

[@RoosterReelCinema]

That’s not really advice, is it?

[@ChrisWaterguy]

KZbin has a speed control, if you need it.

[@kevinmorley4924]

Slow down a little in your delivery.