Attachment Theory and Adult Relationships | Reducing Abandonment Fears in Counseling

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• Attachment behaviors, such as crying and searching, were adaptive responses to separation from with a primary attachment figure someone who provides support, protection, and care.
• Erikson postulated the periods of trust vs. mistrust, and autonomy vs. shame and doubt during this same time period
• Maintaining proximity to an attachment figure via attachment behaviors increases the chance for survival
• From this initial relationship we learn
• How scary or safe the world is.
• What it is like to be loved.
What is Attachment Theory?
• The attachment system essentially “asks” the following fundamental question: Is the attachment figure nearby, accessible, and attentive?
• If the answer is “yes,” the person feels loved, secure, and confident, and, behaviorally, is likely to explore his or her environment, interact with others.
• If the answer is “no,” the person experiences anxiety and, is likely to exhibit attachment behaviors ranging from simple visual searching to active following and vocal signaling on the other
• These behaviors continue until either
• The person is able to reestablish a desirable level of physical or psychological proximity to the attachment figure
• Until the person “wears down.”
Impact of Attachment
• How loved or unloved we feel as children deeply affects the formation of our self-esteem and self-acceptance. It shapes how we seek love and whether we feel part of life or more like an outsider.
• As we individuate we often again seek approval.
Does it Stop After Infancy
• Maybe yes, maybe no.
• Consider the child that regularly did not get needs met.
• Persisted with attachment seeking behaviors
• Those behaviors were eventually rewarded (so they will happen again) or not, so the child stops seeking comfort from others.
• How does this impact
• Self-esteem?
• Trust in others?
• Future relationships?
Does it Stop After Infancy
• Maybe yes, maybe no.
• Consider the adult who got needs met as a child, but in adult relationships regularly does not get needs met.
• What role do significant others play in the survival of the adult human?
• Think about Erikson’s stage of intimacy vs. isolation
Adult Attachment Theory
• (1987) Hazan and Shaver noted that the relationship between infants and caregivers and the relationship between adult romantic partners share the following features:
• both feel safe when the other is nearby and responsive
• both engage in close, intimate, bodily contact
• both feel insecure when the other is inaccessible
• both share discoveries with one another
• both play with one another's facial features and exhibit a mutual fascination and preoccupation with one another
• If adult romantic relationships are attachment relationships, then:
• We should observe the same kinds of individual differences in adult relationships that Ainsworth observed in infant-caregiver relationships.
• The way adult relationships “work” should be similar to the way infant-caregiver relationships work.
• The same kinds of factors that facilitate exploration in children (i.e., Having a responsive caregiver) should facilitate exploration among adults (i.e., Having a responsive partner).
• Whether an adult is secure or insecure in his or her adult relationships may be a partial reflection of his or her experiences with his or her primary caregivers. (During infancy or later in life)
Triggers for Attachment
• Certain kinds of events trigger a desire of closeness and comfort from caregivers.
• Three main sets of triggers:
• Conditions of the person (fatigue, hunger, illness, pain, cold, etc.) (HALT)
• Conditions involving the caregiver
• Conditions of the environment
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#attachment #relationships #abandonment #mentalhealth better help talk space seven cups

[@DocSnipes]

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[@alinchik27o12]

Amazing presentation! I’m 31 and just learning this now, it’s all starting to make sense now. My unhealthy relationship patterns, fear of abandonment, insecurity, low self esteem. Wish I found this earlier but I guess better late than never.

[@garnig9074]

what do you get from this video? i saw alot video and i get theory, but can not use in practise

[@DocSnipes]

Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.

[@CheesusSVT]

I am 37 and figuring things out now, just been living in a blanket of bad relationships and not working on myself over the years... Its fun though knowing all the years you struggled to find it... It made you strong. Everything happens for the best in the longrun. You are not alone. But theres nothing wrong with being alone.

[@gepettowins]

I think a lot of people don’t come to this kind of work until their 30s or later, you’re not alone

[@pastorgloriawalker1065]

I am a Doctoral student. I appreciate your work. Good presentation, good teaching.

[@DocSnipes]

Many thanks! :)

[@fannylchtx3855]

Damn, I wish I discovered you way earlier! I mean, 22 is still young I got plenty of time to better myself but I would’ve avoided so many mistakes that made me lose poeple. Knowing what is “wrong” with me, in terms of fear of abandonment, helps me a lot understanding myself and my behaviors. You must be an incredible help for your clients. From the bottom of my broken heart, thank you.

[@DocSnipes]

You are so very welcome. Thanks for watching, and hopefully subscribing. Wishing you peace, health. and happiness.

[@fannylchtx3855]

@@DocSnipes yep, I subscribed a week ago, something like that, when I discovered your channel. You’re tremendously helpful, and you’re kind of the role model I never had. Whenever I don’t understand something about my behaviors or others, I know where to seek information, tips and tricks to help us overcome those obstacles.( Pardon my English, I’m French and I tend to make mistakes , woopsi) Thanks for the time and the kindness you put in your videos

[@elizabethseiden9938]

A younger guy that I met at work that was 34, said that he wanted to marry me after we just met. I believe that he saw me as a mother figure. However, he got mad at me when I talked to an older man. He said that it killed his fantasy about us. Also, he said that all of his friends are married. Then he said that if I moved in with him then I would have to quit my job, and live with him way out in the country! I believe that Brandon is a controlling person with a lot of psychological trauma and anxiety.

[@anju8376]

I watched my dad die when i was 12, my mom is a narcissist and is incapable of feeling empathy for me, my sister is a violent borderline who beats me up every time i visit home because shes still trying to push me out of the nest even though we’re adults…so now im 31 and during the pandemic i realized i have no one and i never did. Also my parents were immigrants so my whole extended family is disconnected from me because my mother kept me away from them as much as she could. I go through life completely alone. Im doing my best but the isolation is getting to me. No one talks about how to survive if you have no one.

[@DocSnipes]

It may be helpful to work through this with a local, licensed professional counselor. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.

[@bygracethroughfaith589]

💝💝💝

[@kellyjobendigo1826]

😥😥😥 so sorry for your loneliness. Breaks my heart. If you don't already please learn to love yourself then alone doesn't seem so bad. I know the isolation sucks but for what it's worth having less people in your life means less disappointments, less being taken advantage of, less heartache. I hope you find peace.

[@annesam3671]

Sending you love my dear. ♥️♥️

[@sandycheeks1580]

You’re going to have to learn how to love yourself, know yourself, creating boundaries, creating personal safety, & radical acceptance of the family situation.

[@elizabethseiden9938]

I’ve learned that my narcissistic father has abused me by phone my entire adult life. I have stopped dating when I was thirty eight years old. Men are too much drama and they mostly want 18-21 year olds!! My coworker who’s thirty seven said that she stopped dating for the same reason. People make me feel like a loser for turning fifty one and being single at my age is like a curse from hell. Also, many people look down on single women in their fifties like their old leather bags to be ignored/discarded!!

[@elizabethseiden9938]

I’m angry that I spent $20,000 on therapy and no one mentioned attachment theory or narcissistic trauma bonding.

[@samjones7015]

Brilliant! I’m a first year psychology student in the uk and one of my essays needs to be on attachment theory, this video is gold 😊

[@DocSnipes]

:) thank you. I am grateful to be of help

[@hajoo89]

Great presentation. I’m glad I stumbled upon this.

[@DocSnipes]

Thanks for watching!

[@stellamarisgallardo487]

So helpful! thanks a lot!

[@saycog1084]

As I do my morning walk I listen to only great songs I’ve loved my entire life…the ones that make you feel alive…independent on their lyrics…it’s like that very good quality cream you use on your skin…it just makes you feel beautiful and full of great energy. Remember those that play classical music to plants…yes, it works for us too.

[@DocSnipes]

Thank you so much for watching and sharing. What is your favorite tip from the video?

[@ceciliaque5564]

Why am I crying listening to this presentation 😭🤣😭

[@DocSnipes]

Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.

[@Star-dj1kw]

18:22 this starts the description of a securely attached adult/adult relationship 💗💗 This part is about 3 minutes. When the slide switches to a heading titled “Triggers for Attachment” then she has changed to a new topic. 25:07 30:11 Baby attachment style description compared to the grown up version

[@elizabethseiden9938]

I want to be there for myself to improve my life and change as a professional trainer/gym owner/filmmaker!

[@CheesusSVT]

Very neat and informative video. I'm just binge watching KZbin. 😎 I appreciate the video.

[@DocSnipes]

Thanks so much. and Thanks for watching.

[@ReuphillanKasselman]

Excellent presentation contents, thank you Dr. Dawn

[@DocSnipes]

Thanks for watching!

[@khongoroozul]

Eternally grateful to youdoc

[@DocSnipes]

Thanks for watching! 🙂

[@kiriyasu4964]

Really good lecture. Thank you Dr

[@DocSnipes]

So nice of you

[@itsmepunkinn]

BTW, I just found your channel, subscribed because I am a Master Clinical Mental Health Counseling student...k, thanks again!

[@DocSnipes]

Awesome.

[@chrismabhele]

21:40... I think inaccessible is used in the case of being unavailable when reasonably expected to be available. Someone overseas in the army will then not fall in that category.

[@wildfyah]

I can't afford therapy and I'm at the mercy of the public health care system so it takes a while in between appointments. These help somewhat

[@DocSnipes]

Thank you so much for watching. What is your favorite tip from the video?

[@zackd6576]

Thats why i hate when ppl watch the process of whatever it is im doing rather than just waiting for me to give them the final piece

[@DocSnipes]

Wishing you peace, health and happiness

[@LilachLavy]

That's very helpful, thanks... Do you have a course for the general public, for someone wanting to improve their attachment style?

[@DocSnipes]

I have a membership for the channel where I answer questions live once a week. You can also send me video suggestions or requests to support at docsnipes.com Send me a little more detail on what you are looking for in a video. Thanks so much for watching.

[@Intellectual_House]

Did you found any video about that ??

[@victoriasantangelo2227]

I would be interested in this too. A course which takes one unhealthy attachment behaviour at a time, explains why/how this happened and how to reverse it in to a healthy attachment behaviour

[@karynf8625]

@@victoriasantangelo2227 Hi I came across The Attachment Workbook Annie Chen on Amazon.

[@KriRama]

@@karynf8625 thanks for sharing

[@patrickkozak9490]

I lost my family and what was left robbed me and left me for dead. I dont know where you live but in adulthood, i am not naive that there is actually community or communion, not withholden upon commodities. I have specifically asked some people directly and the honest ones told me they had no interest in actually knowing me even though i thought i had been developing a bond with them. As per usual in most echo chambers, you des ribe the world as a kindergarten class of people who care, outsidr of interest in commodities, when this is simply not the case.

[@DocSnipes]

I am sorry you lost your family and I appreciate you watching the video

[@patrickkozak9490]

@@DocSnipes maybe I don't have strong enough boundaries to not need attachment. I know in society, overly caring or being attached to people in one's life is considered unhealthy by many. That seems bizarre to me. It seems to me it is one of the factors of love and care, but perhaps I am mistaken. I don't like strains in society that portray people and relationships as commodities or commodity based. Maybe I expect too much and not just superficial interactions and attachments. Despite surface appearance, it matters to me if someone actually cares, not just the appearance of a pleasant time. One strange emerging myth in society is that loyalty is a commodity and on a spectrum. I disagree, it seems to me that it either is present or not. This does have a correlation to attachment. It seems to me that RAD is not black and white considering these other areas of life it impacts. Clinically, there are certain symptoms or behaviors that are over generalized and questionable. I would argue that certain perspectives one may have as a result of RAD are not all incorrect. It reminds me a bit of the largely incorrect clinical diagnosis of narcissism which is actually a fractured or loss of ego problem, yet often diagnosis and treatment is done with the intention of comfortable interaction as a desired end result and so often some understanding of the disfunction is misunderstood.

[@donnasilver940]

I learned not to expect anything from anyone.I don't see anything wrong with being a loner .

[@DocSnipes]

Not that I am familiar with. I am working on one the associated content site that has been requested. We will be starting to role out resources to go along with popular videos. There will be a cost...but, very affordable.... like 3.99. Eventually it will be on the DocSnipes.com domain. Have a great day.

[@donnasilver940]

@@DocSnipes cool

[@donnasilver940]

True if u find the right person to put up with u.I became a loner.I was never good enough for society .

[@DocSnipes]

Thanks for watching.

[@itsmepunkinn]

Question? I was explaining to a 67 year old male about his fear of being alone, being insecure, always wanting to have control and the sense of feeling abandoned and rejected...Is this part of his younger years that never gotten resolved and now its worsen in his older age of living?

[@DocSnipes]

Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.

[@marshacreary2442]

Has anyone considered the connection between Diana Baumrind's theory and John Bowlby's work on attachment styles?

[@fararis916]

Nice presentation! Can I have your slides?

[@donnasilver940]

My dad raised me to be a loner though .He wanted me to be independent .That I am.And I wasent accepted into society either.I wasent good enough .But yet I'm glad I am a loner there's drugs,out there drinking all kind of evil .I missed out on that thank God.I should have paid attention in school and studied more .And got a law degree.The problem in society in my view is .U all depend on other people to much.And that's no good either.

[@DocSnipes]

Thanks for watching and commenting.

[@seansmith5547]

I had parents but no friends or siblings. I was in virtual isolation until after high school. I can remember being extroverted as a small child, then something happened and I withdrew, from everyone. No birthdays, no sleepovers, no play dates, didn't talk to anyone in school. I started using drugs at 21 and have been in and out of jail and treatment. I'm 46 and now trying to find a place in society. I'm finding that I need people, as much as I hate, and distrust. I can't keep living the way I have been. Solitude doesn't work for me, but attachment sounds a lot like codependency to me.

[@donnasilver940]

I'm a loner from a kid .So I never really got attached .I was always just there .I was fed and things .But I never felt loved.

[@DocSnipes]

Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.

[@ashleyhunt923]

2020-2022-2023. Mom

[@DocSnipes]

Thanks for watching the video. You can find videos on creating secure attachment at: kzbin.infosearch?query=secure

[@richardsantomauro6947]

Burgers during infancy leads to avoidant attachment style and cluster b personality disorders.

[@DocSnipes]

Thanks for watching.

[@kahlodiego5299]

Too triggering. Done.