How Your Childhood Defines Your Attachments as an Adult

[@sun.sc0rtchedsail0r84]

Psychotherapist here. I was already a fan of Sci Show but stumbled on this video looking for user friendly (AND ACCURATE) primers on attachment theory to use with clients. I'm really impressed by the accuracy and comprehensiveness of this video, especially since there are so many outdated attachment myths being circulated by pop-psych "educators" on the internet. Thanks (as usual) for doing your homework.

[@lorenafleidl8901]

Raising kids is such a delicate process, so many things can go wrong. I don't understand how people go about having children like it's noting. Like it's something that you must do in life, like getting your driver's license. I mean, that kid will turn out to be a memeber of society and it's your responsibility. Freaks me out thinking about it.

[@imaginaryemily]

Freaks me out too! To think that we can feel our mother's emotions when we're in the womb and how that imprints onto our developing nervous system, and how much co-regulation and attunement is needed for us to develop self-soothing skills for later on in life.. We need a nervous system revolution for future generations!

[@YYBWDL]

It does The more one learns the more how everything is in twined with one another

[@luciferangelica]

i never got a driver's licence. maybe you should question your assumption that getting a licence is just something you do, you know, if your kids like breathing but not so much catching on fire

[@silvermoonshineX3]

don't overthink it. Just give them lots of love and be there for them. We all wouldn't be here if it was too hard. And nobody's perfect, no one can raise "the perfect child". It's not about that. It's about having children and loving them every day. If it stresses you out that much, leave it be. Not everyone needs to procreate.

[@NotSoNormal1987]

@K G It's ok to not have children. Sometimes I worry about what kind of people mine will become. But I have more wonder than worry. I did grow up with a rather bad home environment. And even though I know I'm not perfect, I intend to give my children much of what I didn't have. And to not give them the stresses and fears that I had. I think they'll turn out fine. And I think they will be fun, happy, interesting people. Hopefully they will bring good to mankind. But I do agree that raising children is tough. And not for everyone.

[@polmak1507]

Childhood and parenting has such an overwhelmingly massive impact of how a person turns out. I would go so far as to say it’s almost the core of your existence. The fact that not nearly enough people realize this is both sad and terrifying

[@andregunts5292]

My mom left me in Jamaica as a 8 month old to pursue a better life in America. In the meantime I was with my dad and various other women who were my primary caregiver. I was reunited at 10 with my mother but as I got older I was really really shy trying to build romantic relationships with women. In college I feel in love and we broke up, I fell into an instant depression. Couple years later I was in another relationship and when it ended I was in a severe depression. Finally went to a therapist and she told me I have unsecure anxious attachment with women because that issue of my mother leaving my life as an infant and not learning to attach to another primary caregiver has affected me to this day. Yup, everything in this video is true lol.

[@ainvencivel]

I’m sorry to read that André. Been through the same and totally understand your pain only unlike you I didn’t seek a therapist. Stay well ☀️

[@SIETETIZ]

I didnt meet my mother till i was 12. From personal experience i can say relationships as a kid definitely impacts how you act when you are older

[@CelticSaint]

I finally got to meet mine at the age of 45, which answered a few questions that I had always had. Unfortunately, she died just before Christmas. But, at least I had the opportunity to meet her 4 times.

[@lum4r]

"It doesn't necessarily mean you're bad with kids (*it also doesn't mean you're not)" Stay sassy, SciShow

[@sebastianelytron8450]

Attachment Theory has 2 rules: 1) always Zip or RAR 2) no more than 10MB

[@FBI-ov7lb]

*Error: you have insufficient space on your device*

[@mr.kostas3729]

Your joke is too complicated

[@rhael42]

.7z my dude

[@parallel4]

.7z has better compression. Files end up smaller, but go off.

[@dontknowdontcare1934]

I'm too dumb explain

[@mysteepulcine2510]

I hope there's still a chance for my son to develop security. He was abused and neglected by his bio-mom until the court took him when he was 2. He's 10 now and has separation anxiety and behavior issues compounded by autism. I just want him to be stable and successful.

[@beth8775]

Mystee Pulcine I'm going to assume your working together with appropriate professionals and define successful as happy, so it sounds like he's got a pretty good shot. Emotional healing like that takes a lot of time, work, and - most importantly - love. Good luck!

[@theincarnationofboredom207]

I'll just say one thing, be soft on him and make sure you don't put him in too many therapy situations, because I myself don't trust therapists or anyone like that and I personally find that they actually hinder me, although that's me so I can't say the same for your son. I'm 13, by the way.

[@imaginaryemily]

Sending positive thoughts your way! There is always more to learn about our nervous systems, and very promising work coming out of the Somatic Experiencing field.

[@wigologywithvalerie1450]

Mystee Pulcine there is hope.. hold on to it and in the name of love,don't let go..❤ all the best to you and your little Prince❤

[@NeoLithiumCat]

Mystee Pulcine Speaking as someone on the spectrum, I'd say the most important thing is that you are reliably honest and reliably kind. Nothing makes a person more difficult for an autistic person to talk to than one they have to interpret and navigate socially, because there's always a big step of translation between them and you which makes any communication much more difficult, especially in times of stress. Make yourself straightforward to communicate with by being clear, kind and honest and that should help with making you a secure person to talk to. Listen to the issues he has, respect them and work with him to make sustainable solutions. Recognise that the aspects where he struggles, while he may improve, will always come and go. Help him to be someone who sees these traits matter-of-factly and who incorporates them without issue into his daily life. Understanding oneself and that one is truly understood and listened to by others goes a long way to solving the isolation and uncertainty in daily life faced by most people on the spectrum, and will go a long way towards achieving the life he wants to live securely and happily.

[@SciencewithKatie]

I don't know how you guys always produce such good content nearly everyday. Must have a bomb team of people! 🙌🏼🙌🏼

[@henryb3023]

++

[@SpeedOfTheEarth]

+

[@cheaterman49]

I think that's exactly what happens - it tells a lot about how good Hank is at surrounding himself with geniuses :-)

[@KhaledTheSaudiHawkII]

Science with Katie One minute of content probably takes 5 hours of research, one hour of writing and editing, 5 minutes of shooting and probably one hour of video editing. The bottleneck is in the research and content development. From the variety of topics and writing styles l bet you $1 they rotate their writers or do part-time recruitment. Then comes the video editing which ranks second in terms of time consumption. That’s why l think they have a really, really consistently good producer who does it full time. So a bunch of writers that keep the pipeline full is the key to so much content. The rest will follow.

[@bdr420i]

I can't finish my day without Scishow dose

[@tombowers790]

This video has been extremely eye-opening. From an early age I was abused physically and mentally by my care givers and from an early age was my happiest when in my own company. This changed partially when my brother with down syndrome was born and I then preferred having him with me when I would take myself off to play in my own space. Later in life I was diagnosed with PTSD and borderline personality disorder which definitely affected relationships and my own self worth for a lot of my life. But after being in numerous toxic relationships I fought to prolong I eventually realised that I didn't have to take it and made the big step of removing all toxic relationships from my life (which resulted in cutting off a large number of family and friends) and coming to the realisation that if I wanted better relationships with people I needed to have a better relationship with myself and stop accepting the abuse as my lot in life. I'm now in the best place I've ever been and in the process of starting my own business. I've got very supportive siblings and friends who've helped me reset the factory setting instilled on me by my abusers and live a life of love

[@poetictouch5245]

Tom Bowers Gosh, I wanna cry Tom. So happy for you 💕

[@icequeen9]

Sometimes psychology studies make you go 'whoa, that's really interesting' and sometimes they make you say 'well that's just common sense'. This is the latter, but it's still super interesting.

[@sadiebrubaker3486]

I get mad at my mom alot but I could never say that I dont love her with all of my heart. We use to get into really bad fights when I was a teen over her hoarding problem, but she raised me as a stay at home mom and I feel that this really secures our relationship no matter how bad it gets. Now I'm a mom and I have to work, so she takes care of my baby during the days. It is sad I cant be there every second of the day. But to know that my child is being loved every second of the day just as I was brings happy tears to my eyes.

[@macbuff81]

I'm really attached to SciShow. :)

[@HweeTengLee]

Me too! I think that's addiction theory :P

[@InMaTeofDeath]

I haven't felt the sensation of "missing" another human being for several years now and have reached the point of no longer wishing to have friends or relationships. For the last few years I've basically been living with as little contact with people as possible and oddly enough I feel better about life in general than I ever did before. Not having to deal with others basically felt like a giant weight lifting off me, hell even my lifelong issue of terrible sleep has improved. Wonder what this study would make of my childhood...

[@3800S1]

Pretty similar here but I don't avoid it purposely, I'm just not driven to attachment or relationships. I also feel like life is is happier and simple without people needing to be in my life. Its the often overwhelming feeling of "I can't be bothered" when I feel obligated to make an effort, but often that in itself wears me down and makes me tired to the point of loosing interest. My friends know I'm like that and don't push, also they pick up my share of the slack lol

[@judyl.761]

Same

[@AcidRainbowSkies]

Wow I didn't know other people also felt this way. I've been living most of my life unhappy about not being able to form attachments or thinking that my attachments were shallow but when I stepped back from trying to force it, I started to feel unburdened and happier. Although I frequently wonder how unhealthy this behavior is, I still feel so much better than before.

[@iprobablyforgotsomething]

Probably that your earliest interactions with fellow humans (the parentals) were largely to your detriment, which effected your ability to positively interact with your peers. And that once you stopped forcing yourself to socialize/were in a position to minimize socialization, you were able to relax from the near-constant anxiety that caused you (among any other effects your experiences have caused). This then had a positive effect on your overall health (stress really can kill; emotional and mental stress can't help but effect the body housing our brains). It's pretty logical to me. It's not some weird unheard-of phenomenon (and I hope no one's making you feel that it is). Perhaps someday you'll have built back up the mental energy resources to "people" again, no longer being depleted and/or being able to heal from unhealthy experiences. Or you'll just continue to enjoy the freedom of your solitude, which is reasonable enough.

[@pyosomemore6383]

👍 i can so relate to this. my ‘normal’ is technically abnormal by modern standards which makes me wonder how i can ever get over this

[@rustyshackleford4076]

I love my parents but could never tell them “I love you” casually like other people can, I LOVE my parents but it feels so awkward to tell them I love you to their face or even show them emotion through hugs or kisses 🤔

[@annasimmons1967]

Claire Knight i agree 100%

[@notcreative2554]

I need to do those to my parents I would feel terrible if I didn't

[@merlumili]

Claire Knight agreee. I always feel bad because my mom is an emotional person and she tells me she loves me a lot, but I just can't say it back :/

[@MrUranium238]

perhaps they're reading your comment right now :0

[@dontknowdontcare1934]

Anna Simms I agree 150%

[@zhevtone]

This is why having 1,5 years for maternity leave is a great idea, no matter what you say. At least some things are good in Russia.

[@stevegwizzle3560]

Amen to that.....sadly some mothers don't want the full 1.5 years. They want to go back to work right away.

[@Melissa-dd7ys]

Wow ! A year and a half? That is great. I live in the US where we get exactly zero days of guaranteed maternity leave. Where I work we get 6 to 12 weeks off. It's totally pathetic by comparison, but it's fairly standard here.

[@Rabbitthat]

Am I right in thinking in Russia the baby is taken away from the mother at birth and she isn't allowed to see take him home for days, she even goes home without him. Right? Also it doesn't matter if the primary care giver is male or female, you can have a "good enough mother" or a "good enough other"

[@fool4343]

@@Rabbitthat where did you hear that from? im pretty sure thats not the case, but i have to ask my mom and yeah nobody is saying that only mother should care for child, but its a cultural thing, we have a pretty conservative people. i wonder if its in the law itself tho

[@Rabbitthat]

@@fool4343 Some Russian friends told me, however this was about 6 years ago and I think I might be remembering it wrong.

[@invisibleninja86]

As someone who wants to adopt in the future, this is extremely interesting and also overwhelming.

[@aspendrakeelkins443]

I work with teens (in a residential treatment center) from neglectful and abusive homes- attachment disorders are not to be taken lightly! Our training includes physical restraints because of how violent they can be. Sadly, even with years of intervention, most of the kids I work with will truly struggle with this for the rest of their lives. Also, the point about children of single parents is HUGE and could be the subject of an entire semester.

[@masterimbecile]

Sounds like good support for more/better paid parental leaves.

[@DarkMoonDroid]

More exposure to a Mother with emotional problems is not necessarily a good thing.

[@stevencampbell7394]

Both comments are valid, but I'd also add that this is another good reason to lessen the 40 hour workweek

[@mdshoel9272]

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[@account4345]

That would require a world where government and employers care about the well-being of workers.

[@marfusia]

@@DarkMoonDroid in Slovakia, we have therefore a 3years paid mpther leave. First 8months you get your full wage, after that its about half the average wage of Slovakia. And the employer must guarantee you a job position thats equal to what you had before, once you return back. Retirement plans and health insurance is paid by the government during this time. And even after those three years, if you have a sick child, you can stay longer, until your child is 6, only without getting paid (but healt insurance and retirement plans are covered by the state still)

[@audrey9561]

My parents weren’t around much when I was a child and I was mostly raised by my grandparents. Once they moved to Florida when I was 12 I was devastated and felt like I had no family. Explains a lot

[@BigDaddyWes]

As an adult who has been emotionally scarred by a past relationship, I can confirm that your attachment can change after a traumatic life event. It's hell.

[@johnk4934]

Or, you can actualize as a human and grow. I hope it gets better for you.

[@solsystem1342]

​@@johnk4934 ew who tells someone who had a stressful event to "like, have you tried get over it?" That's not how humans work

[@TheAerialgreen]

I used to have a coworkers who would come to work and just sit in the corner and read until we close even when he wasn’t scheduled to work. He seemed extremely attached to the place and ppl. Turned out, his mom was an alcoholic, and he was neglected all his life. No matter how many hours a day he spent at work he was so deprived of attention and love. It was sad to see him sitting alone day after day.

[@BigMobe]

I don't trust anyone and thinking about my parents gets me so upset my blood pressure goes up.

[@stxnw]

BigMobe Relatable.

[@SerDerpish]

derrik tie Agreed. Just because you had the bad fortune of having shitty experiences doesn’t give you a reason or excuse to pass it on to someone else and continue the cycle

[@matheussanthiago9685]

@@SerDerpish I'm so proud to say that my coursed bloodline shall die with me

[@babykangarootribbiani2766]

@@matheussanthiago9685 wish I could say the same

[@CoinVega]

Imagine the lifelong damage we are doing to babies & children being separated from their parents at the border & placed in uncaring facilities where they are instructed not to comfort each other, nor are they given any love by the "caregivers."

[@bridgethadley]

So true!

[@missybe3238]

Many children separate from"parents"at the norder are not related to the "parents". There is a lot of child trafficking going on and we shouldn't act like these people are the parents unless there is documentation/resemblance to say so.

[@alexgerweck4507]

Missy Be The thing is, so many people aren’t even given an opportunity to provide documentation, or the documentation they have is ignored, and people who are here 100% legally are deported and separated from their children anyway. (This is based on detainments and deportations in families I’ve known personally and interacted with frequently, not internet claims.) I’m all for punishing human traffickers, but we need to know that they’re actually human traffickers instead of relying on racial profiling and adopting a “guilty until proven innocent” approach with every person who looks and speaks differently and has contact with a child. That approach is why real families are being broken up every day. I’d also add that, while I don’t think you had bad intentions, it’s harmful to reply to someone who’s expressing concerns over children’s well-being with a different argument that draws attention away from the original statement about the treatment of those children. Human trafficking is a very serious problem, but if our government’s actions were really about the well-being of children, they wouldn’t be locked up in cages being treated as subhuman. These arguments are being used in a manipulative way to divert people’s attention and to justify separating children from their real families and caregivers, locking them up in literal cages, and severely neglecting and abusing them. There have been child deaths as a direct result of our government’s actions. When we focus on claims of trafficking and debates over documentation, we can very easily fail to remember that children are still experiencing human rights violations, just at the hands of government officials instead. (And that’s the point, isn’t it? People doing terrible things don’t want attention on those terrible things.) We can turn a blind eye to the systematic abuse of power happening at the hands of our elected officials because we focus instead on the abuse of individuals. But just as we should hold human traffickers accountable for abuse and neglect, we should hold our own government accountable for abuse and neglect. It’s no more acceptable just because they’re in a position of authority. It should never just be us against them in such complex, serious situations. That’s how innocent families and children get hurt. It should be us against any abuse of power. It should be us for protection of children from any threat. Because like OP pointed out, what’s happening at the border (and throughout the U.S. to an extent) is seriously psychologically damaging and dehumanizing to children, and it’s unacceptable. Thanks for coming to my TED talk

[@stevettebobbie1314]

It's a risk illegal immigrants should consider before crossing the border

[@stevettebobbie1314]

@Dean Thorence what are you even talking about

[@Lindsay1581]

Great video! A lot of people probably get that this is what's going on, but it's so nice to have the evidence condensed down and put into layman's terms to validate our ideas. Thank you!

[@Lindsay1581]

Breeze sorry to hear that your mom died. It was a bit violent, right?

[@shrimpbisque]

My mom's best friend (let's call her Drew) has a really strained relationship with her mom. Drew was born several weeks premature, and had to spend the first few months of her life in the hospital, the first two months of which were spent in an incubator. Drew's mom hardly ever visited her, because she thought Drew was going to die and didn't want to get too attached. Drew is in her mid-40s now and is mostly fine (aside from minor heart problems), but doesn't get along well with her mom and never really has.

[@judyl.761]

Shrimp , Drew’s Mom sounds like a self centered a hole.

[@palacinkasmarmeladou]

Wow, her mom barely visited cause she didn't want get attached to her own child cause she thought baby will not survive. Something tells me that's not the only reason they don't get along well. Her mom is probably self-cenered narcissist

[@JesusIsGodsSelfie]

palacinkasmarmeladou ... you hit the jackpot with your last three words -bingo! But even narcs are kinda made that way... something bin her past hurt her mum, and so the cycle goes... some ppl shut down entirely... who are we to judge xx Jesus Christ has paid for every sin except that of unbelief. He loves us and died for us. Will anyone reading this believe in Jesus Christ..? God bless you

[@Jedran275]

Thank you so much everyone at SciShow for producing this episode. So much moreso because it came out today! I’ve been dealing with issues surrounding this with my younger brother for a few days now. Today he’s been really bad and this is exactly what I needed to explain to him how his brain is working against him. How he is MORE than his current and past struggles. I needed this reinforcement to keep myself strong too. I’m currently dealing with my own issues as well around how I almost never got physical affection from my parents as a kid, but I’ve found a healthier way to deal with that since I got into therapy. I’ve no idea what is gonna help him get past this first wall, but maybe having better words can be my way in. No matter how much I love him, I can’t fix his negative feedback loops for him. So I’ll keep searching for new ways to try to overcome his own limitations. Because it’s all I know how to do. I love you all, never give up on the one life you have to live. There is always a brighter future to make it to. There is always something else you can try that has a chance to make something positive out of your current negativity.

[@Lindsay1581]

Devin Johns You have a beautiful outlook on life! Especially for someone who lacked physical affection from your parents. Thank you for your beautiful words.

[@elisasancho600]

I hope you are able to find ways to help your brother (and yourself) to feel more secure and to overcome his struggles in the near future. Good luck! I'm rooting for you both 😊

[@cybnyf4337]

I can really relate to this. My younger sister has clear behavior issues that my family doesn’t have the energy to deal with them/ hopes they will go away with age (she’s already 11), and though now I’m part of a secure, mostly positive home environment, I’m pretty confident in saying the neglect I received in infancy has shaped the person I am today. What just really wanted to say was I really respect and understand what you’re saying. :)

[@knocknockify]

I wish you lots of healing, support, and love

[@appleappington7346]

Oh OK I don't really care tbh but u know whatever

[@victrosia]

What? Parenting affecting the child? Nah don’t bring that to my house or else you’ll also be accused of emotionally abusing my mother...

[@naestse4786]

preClassic relatable

[@blugaledoh2669]

Eh what?

[@OddityDK]

Yup I know that one

[@TheLe016]

That's why I got rid of mine long ago...

[@calichef1962]

Sounds like you have a narcissistic mother, too. Welcome to the club. It's kind of a sucky club, but once we identify the problem (NOT us!) it makes it a lot easier. Once you learn to set limits with the narcissist and stick to them it will get better. My mother stopped mistreating me after 45 years when I just started getting up and walking out on her when she started picking on me. After a few years of only seeing me on her birthday and Mother's Day and she got a LOT nicer to me. Any time she's nasty to me now I just disappear for six months.

[@taramas5582]

My childhood shaped my depression.

[@evanmerlo4082]

This channel is a quintessential example of the amazing ways the internet was theorized to revolutionize education. Easily among the top 5 best channels on youtube. Keep being awesome SciShow team.

[@christopherdunn5963]

This video is central to my long-term focus on fatherhood! Basically, if you really love and care for your children, the world can be a beautiful place.

[@guppy8073]

This is an interesting way to look at my family’s relationships. There are four kids in my family: my older sister and I were born in 2001 & 2002, 6 months apart, while my little brother and little sister were born in 2012 and 2013, also 6 months apart. When my sister and I were growing up, my parents were both very busy with work and we spent most of our time with relatives or babysitters. After we moved to another state in 2008, we didn’t see those caregivers as often anymore and had to get closer to our parents. While I grew up relatively normal, my older sister developed behavioral issues and acted out quite a bit. I’m guessing this might be because while I grew up with someone I could always play with (her) she spent her first six months without a regular companion. My little brother and sister had a different upbringing. My mother stopped going to work full-time and spent a lot of time with them at home. This caused them to be lots more affectionate than my older sister and I, especially with our parents. While my older sister was able to grow back into this and be affectionate with our parents, I’m not quite there yet.

[@MissMoontree]

How are you guys 6 months apart? Combined family?

[@hollosou335]

You guys make such great episodes almost everyday. The only thing I don't get is how higher security relates with greater levels of happiness. I used to have high security for relationships, but saw that was a bad idea as most relationships let me down and didn't make me happy, unlike what this correlation says.

[@ojiverdeconfleco]

Ah, but security in adulthood isn't all about being sure our partner will be there forever, but more like knowing you will be fine regardless because you know you're worthy of love (because you've experienced that before), and also it means you know when to call for help and to whom. Perhaps it could be good to work through therapy these questions you have.

[@melissaamos2227]

My mom was thrown from a horse and broke part of her back (not paralyzed, but still bad) when I was only a couple months old. As an adult, I have agoraphobia, anxiety, and depression (to name just a few). It’s actually a little bit of a relief to know that they might not all be caused by an abusive step parent in my teen years.

[@alexpostel5322]

This reminds me of one time I was like 7 and my mom left for like 3 minutes while I was in karate and next thing she knows I’m eating cheezits given to me by an old lady and sobbing because I didn’t know where she was. Good times.

[@moosekababs]

i like how literally everyone in the comments section is just popping off about their own mental health issues. this is the vibe we need to have OFF the internet too. talk to the people you care about and destigmatize mental health. It's a lot easier to have a conversation than to have a funeral.

[@DarkMoonDroid]

IKR?

[@samanthataylor1761]

Ren your last sentence is sooo debatable.

[@emily-hj2hh]

Your comment seems as if you are faulting people who rue over their mental health on their internet as being part of the reason why there is a stigma towards mental health. I hope that you spend some time reflecting on that statement.

[@moosekababs]

@@emily-hj2hh Ohno, i didnt mean that at all!!!Ijust meant that like, talking to your friends about their mental health is super important, and even if its hard we shpuld all try and watch out for each other irl in the same way we as a community are watching out for one another here. For sure a lot of work needs to be done IRL to make talking about mental health a safer thing that is more well accepted, but i didnt mean to imply that the stigma is somehow the FAULT of the opennes we have about it on the internet!!

[@emily-hj2hh]

Thank for explaining! I am sorry if I made that assumption from your statement, because I loved it, but popping off to me always seems to have a negative connotation when most people use it. I am glad that is not what you meant. I think it is also beautiful to say that we must all work to destigmatize mental health. This is a main goal that I have dedicated most of my time to, and should be a goal for not only those who experience mental health challenges, but everyone who doesn't, because we cannot erase stigma - or my word for it is a bit stronger - by ourselves. It is very tough for myself in the diagnosis I have been handed, the way it has been handled by each professional who doesn't seem to agree on the right methodology, and the reaction by those I do care very much about, larger society, workplaces, even groups are set up through government funding, donors, etc, to how to address the issue of how mental health is treated in society, or in university classes that speak of that issue, so I do understand why it can feel much safer to talk about it on the internet, hoping that others can relate or that we can rid ourselves of how we feel. I never really found that to work, but I do know what the fear is like of expressing to others what is going on, and sometimes see the negative consequences of that. At the same time, I know I have hleped a lot of people, and through everything, figured out things for myself. It does indeed take us all to erase stigma, or in many cases I have seen, dehumanizing descrimination. I do not mean to discourage anyone, just do understand why people choose to hide what is going on. I actually think that even talking about it on the internet is a step that is fairly new. And with internet culture, sometimes that can make it worse, as usually people do not rear such an ugly head about things at least openly when they are not online, and you never know what someone means or if they are just trying to hurt you and make themselves feel more important. It's a whole complicated issue that does require people to step out of their boxes, as far as they are comfortable going, to try to address. I have indeed found friends that had their minds changed and hearts opened, but also people who decided that perhaps I was too complicated a person to have in their lives, or reacted in ways that I had never expected them too upon hearing a diagnosis or watching a person go through very, very, hard times. So there are always risks, but it does teach you who your true friends are and help people who never understood about something to understand and have empathy, and that always had a ripple effect. Making art, writing, music, is both a way to feel better and connect with others. I guess... I have just taken the opposite approach and offered years of volunteering, work, study, speeches, art, writing, etc, with the world, and though I do not regret a single moment, always do have the urge to run and hide, even besides sharing on the internet, and never talk to anyone about anything ever again. For even when things go amazing, whether that is changing a loved ones mind and watching it ripple, or coordinating art shows and running on boards and getting published, hearing the applause of audience or hearing so many say that because of their work their minds were changed forever about something that they had never understand, or having people hug you and thank you because they say you give them hope, whether the outcome seems small or huge, it can always be scary with the judgements of society and the judgement of ourselves. Sorry, that all sounds like a bunch of self righteous bragging, but just wanted to say that it's never easy, whether its talking with one friend or being open publically, which I don't think you were implying but did want to add anyway just because :) And whether or not it seems huge and important or small, even things that seem small are really never small. I just understand the urge to hide it away, as I'm sure pretty much everyone with a mental health challenge feels at least once in their life! Don't venture out much into social media and comments sections, and whenever I do it seems I leave full essays in my wake. Sorry about all that

[@vickymc9695]

Does anyone know if insecure attachment is linked to children being more likely to special toy? It would be interesting to see if a child feeling they can't rely on a parent, would transfer some of that safety feeling to something they could control.

[@SpiralBreeze]

Vicky Mc That's also why a lot of teenage girls want to have babies, they crave that unconditional love.

[@kadyr8935]

Yes, an insecure child is attached to a certain toy/object to replace the parent that is not there for them.

[@Hallelujur]

Wow. I never thought of it like that. But I definitely did. My heart was broken when I lost it.

[@IAmNMe]

Not necessarily. A special toy like this tends to be a "transitional object" which is a healthy tool in attachment development. In some cases, it's more concerning when a child doesn't have any attachment to a transitional object. It's basically an item that "holds" attributes of a caregiver that the child is attached to when they're away from them. It helps a child to feel a bit more secure when their security figure (the caregiver) is away. If the caregiver is inconsistent in their attunement even when they're with the child, that transitional object may be helpful as well. And, in that sense, the child may be more anxious to keep the transitional object close.

[@JH-zk3zp]

@@SpiralBreeze My stupid dumb ass sister did that at 15 (a few years ago) and she regrets it completely

[@tinycatfriend]

thank you for mentioning how childhood illnesses can affect attachment. i was critically ill for the first few years of life, and i've always struggled with insecure attachment. i'm glad the impact of this is starting to be understood, because it can be incredibly damaging to a child's mental health and development-- it's traumatizing and confusing for an infant to endure that. of course they need the treatments in hospital to be healthy, i just want the potential mental health problems to be something doctors keep an eye on as well. early intervention when the red flags are spotted can do a world of good, i wish i'd had that.

[@samiballew4609]

I had a very bad childhood but my partner now is absolutely amazing. He accepts me and all my flaws. He tells me all the time that im not broken and i never deserved what hapoened to me. I am more secure now

[@MrUranium238]

I love my cat but my cat has an avoidant style of attachment is that normal?, ... she's also kind of a jerk come to think of it....

[@jclyntoledo]

Lol I had a cat like that too but I think I was too affectionate for him and also maybe because cats are empathetic so maybe they just didn't like your energy. I had a lot of anxious energy when I was a teenager so idk...

[@jeninarvaezmelo656]

Lmao

[@polmak1507]

I think that’s just being a cat :P

[@gammarayneutrino8413]

I don't think human attachment theory is applicable to cats.

[@dannymeyer3256]

I felt loved. My children and grandchildren felt loved. They in turn give love do their family and they can feel loved.

[@marissavaneck1358]

I can confirm that negative events will seriously damage your attachment style. Mine was somewhere between secure and avoidant as a child, due largely to my mother's efforts to do the best she could. But more and more and more bad fortune and trauma and fear and suffering has ruined it. I feel like I'm not even a human being sometimes. I've been abused and betrayed by everyone from family to supposed friends to employers to the entire world at large just being so difficult to survive in for someone as poor as me, and have about had enough. My girlfriend keeps me sane, but if it weren't for her I'd be long dead. This is pretty much the definition of c-PTSD isn't it?

[@aleta833]

How are you now

[@351cleavland]

If you had a rough go of it, you may be interested in the ACE quiz (Adversive Childhood Expereinces). NPR has an insightful article on it. Be kind to yourself. Be as kind as you can to others.

[@thecarlosnino80]

Missed the full intro! Thanks for bringing it back if not for just one episode!

[@AnTi90d]

Chin is my favorite host. Hurray for Chin!

[@zackstetson7243]

Thanks for doing a good look at this. As a foster parent, attachment theory is an important tool to help assess behaviors in kids and work with them accordingly.

[@dolomedestenebrosus9564]

Really liking Stefan as a host lately.

[@dakotabree]

I am an adult who was recently diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder so this was interesting to watch and learn more about since there doesn't always seem to be a lot of information about it (especially in adults it seems). Thanks sci show for doing a good job!

[@catatonicbug7522]

I had a positive early childhood, but was diagnosed with T1 Diabetes at 5yo. I think this contributed to my desire to disconnect from others and become truly independent as soon as possible. From preschool on, I only ever had a single close friend. I married while still in Highschool, but that was a mistake. I have never felt had that classic "I NEED you" feeling for anyone.

[@tristanbeligan6242]

I can attest to the symptoms of disorganized attachment caused by an inattentive mom

[@calichef1962]

Me, too. Every relationship I've ever had has gone wrong. Friends, lovers, you name it. I was always faithful and/or trustworthy and I've never gotten anything back for my loyalty but knives in the heart. The ONLY relationship I've ever been able to maintain is my relationship with my son. I made a clear choice to be NOTHING like my narcissistic mother while I was still pregnant. I never left my child for more than ten hours (to work) until he was nearly two, and then it was only for visitation with his father. I made the choice to stay home with him most of the time until he started school, even though it meant we lived below the poverty line. To me, a Mom being home with her child teaching the child how to navigate the world is worth a lot more than a minimum wage job. My son is 32 now and I *still* tell him I love him *every day.* He is, quite literally, the ONLY person in the world who actually matters to me.

[@Papershire]

Yay! Nice to see great mothers who treasure time with kids.

[@marshacreary2442]

This should be included in Professional Development for Teachers, Administration and Guidance Counsleors

[@gabbiem2722]

My babys 5 months and she is flourishing like the beautiful flower that she is ☺😋

[@johnk4934]

I *really* want to ask if you're hoping she'll grow up to be a vegetable...

[@yasminsq5749]

@@johnk4934 LOL~~!

[@rubensgnaa]

Just the best video to explain the whole history and the negatives and positives of attachment theory. helped massively, gratitude

[@cheaterman49]

I thought this was already SciShow Psych, but now I realize Stefan probably wouldn't be hosting there. Excellent episode in any case!

[@Schradermusic]

I think they just put the long ones with lots of effort on the main channel so more people see it. But hey, that's just a theory... Oh wait, wrong channel.

[@cheaterman49]

If this was on SciShow Psych, you could say "But hey, that's just a theory... A Brain Theory. Thank you for watching!"

[@katechristian8033]

This is such a great overview of the issues in attachment theory. Thank you!

[@Gandaleon]

One of the best episodes I've seen on this channel. Bravo!

[@giraffequeen9437]

I am covering this in my infant/toddler development class! This is perfect!!! Thank you!

[@Ayaforshort]

Surprised this isn't Sci show psych.

[@twilightsparkitup]

Ayenate' Lawson I thought it was oops

[@NuclearTacos]

Ayenate' Lawson it probably helps people find out about their other channels, but I definitely had the same throught.

[@ryanliberty]

Great summary of the research! I'm living proof that attachment styles can change. I wish more people knew about them though as it would explain a lot of heartbreak they might be experiencing and what they can do to change it.

[@SynestheticAsylum]

I JUST listened to the Science Vs podcast about attachment parenting this morning! Cool coincidence seeing it on SciShow today!

[@TreeDragon]

As a youngin I was mostly kept out of school and spent all my time alone in the house with a parent with rampant borderline pd & severe depression. By that standard, I think I've come out pretty OK, and I'm grateful for that. Since I got out as a teenager I've been continously working on rebuilding myself, though some things I am are gonna be here forever.

[@Carols989]

well, that sure explains a lot about myself

[@SrLupinotuum]

B_Potassio x2

[@KAZVorpal]

No, don't skip the pre-attachment phase, it's still relevant: Yes, it's not that they can't recognize their parents. But it's that they are completely able to adapt to new caregivers, if things change. That's still really important.

[@RedEyedRaven118]

I was left without my mother days after I was born and I was juggled in care between my cousins, grandparents and my father on a daily basis + abusive kinder garten carer (she hit me often because i have autism). I to this day struggle with separation anxiety and general anxiety. Took me 2 decades to learn some self worth and get some form of a spine. My parents told me that was the most crying kid among my siblings and was extremely dependent for my mother's affection since she was a full time worker even when she had to give birth to me.

[@neilh.4385]

I love the annotation at 1:57. It's like SciShow wanted to point out that many of you are, indeed, bad with kids so don't forget it.

[@omkarnaik2758]

For me it's so spot on! I lost y mon when I was a few months away from being 2 and my attachment style towards my friends throughout my childhood was insecure attachment.

[@igoner6399]

Quite interesting. Strokes chin. Yes indeed

[@dontknowdontcare1934]

Stan The man Hmm interesting

[@ConanTan]

Strokes Stefan Chin's chin. 🤔

[@tnttiger3079]

I'd stroke Chin too ;)

[@brimcnair]

I love this host! Give him more and more screen time.

[@ojiverdeconfleco]

Awesome, I have a final in a week in which I'll have to talk about this theory and, though simple, this video is a good refresher. Keep it up SciShow!

[@DreamOfTheWitch]

This is truly a great video. Clear, treats the wide spectrum and outcomes and also the fact that isn't hard science. 👍

[@turtlebro123]

You guys are amazing love the videos

[@muffinlove6133]

When my brother was a baby he never wanted to be held my mom tried carting him around and he just didn't like it. He didn't like being alone either though he liked it if you were around him just not holding him and now he is still very independent and responsible.

[@amyfoo1782]

I am here becos i am studying for my psychology exams now. Very good info which i learnt when i went back to University to study, very much later in my life👍

[@ellaturkiewicz333]

Just had this mentioned in a lecture for my psychology class!

[@ThePikmania]

wow, that was a lot of information for 10 minutes, very thorough, good job

[@ilmionomeeclaudia7185]

My parents couldn't be with me very often during my first years bc of work. My sister was the one who took care of me all day and so I never felt neglected, I was the centre of my family attention. My problems with social skills and stuff are due to bullying :))).

[@suzydittmar54]

Really well summarised in a short time, thank you!

[@sarahbaugher8272]

Excellent video! Good job SciShow!

[@HuggableThorn]

I love you guys! I was just thinking about this. Thank you, Sci-show team!

[@kenpanderz672]

even if its not super solid, i still think that most adults, and maybe even teens, should be expected to go through some sort of child psychology course to give them a basic familiarity with information like this. i cant even imagine how much better off society might be if the average parent know some small bit of actual information about how developing human minds work.

[@AtariEric]

My parents actively punished every attempt I made to attach to them. No person has ever treated me like another human being since.

[@mrsslibby6857]

Me trying to explain why I have no friends.... Seriously though multiple big life events has given me serious attachment issues. I always want to get close to people but am afraid that everyone will leave or hurt me because that's almost all I've ever known. Thankfully I'm now married to a wonderful man and although he doesn't always understand my anxieties, he is very patient with me so things have been getting better. I've actually started to stand up for myself recently when I never could before because I was so afraid of confrontation. So, if you feel this way, dont give up, there are good people out there and you can heal.

[@earth2jio]

I guess this is why it's helpful to have a house full of caregivers, so a baby is rarely ever alone or can always count on someone coming when the baby is distressed. Maybe that's where the phrase, "It takes a village to raise a child" came from?

[@orlendatube]

I would love to learn more about how childhood experience shapes us as adults!

[@axolotolking]

me before clicking on this video: this will probably tell me why i am like this me watching the video: ah that’s why i am like this

[@KatrinaEames]

Everyone is relating to this in a way that is hopefully productive - I'm sure it is hitting real close to home for a lot of us based on the comments

[@ginnyjollykidd]

Often in the US, hospitals encourage skin-to-skin contact between mom and newborn baby so they can bond emotionally and encourage baby to breast feed as well as other bonding actions. So babies are encouraged to start making bonds quite soon after they start squalling, even before vernix is removed. So stage one is quite reduced, now.

[@win2kpioneer]

Very true, I grew up in a not ideal situation as an orphan, in a bad neighborhood, stereotypically destined to be a social pariah, yet I turned out alright. Nothing is set in stone, your life is dictated and shaped by you and only you, not your past or those who surround you.

[@That80sGuy1972]

I understand an issue or two I had when I was a kid to now. Thank you SciShow.

[@kittimcconnell2633]

I'm certain attachment begins once the brain is developed. Newborns' heads turn towards familiar voices, anyone they heard speak often when in utero. Hearing develops around the 6th or 7th month in utero; you're born with the ability to acknowledge family/close friends that way.

[@silaslorde3]

It's wild listening to this stuff because I always see similarities to how I behaved as a child and wonder what happened before I can remember to make me the way I was and am still in some ways. It's hard to know your parent(s) didn't give you enough love and attention but realize that life is complicated and they were doing their best with what they had. To deal with my resentment and try to find forgiveness.

[@aintmisbehavin7400]

One of my favorite self development books is a guide to adult attachment theory called, Attached. Highly recommended.

[@yobeatthat85]

I see a lot of parents that seem to think their children need to try to grow up beneath them rather than my approach which is having my son grow up alongside me

[@NolePTR]

Last time I talked to a person it was the pizza guy at my door.

[@NolePTR]

I'm eating pizza right now.

[@hayk3000]

@@NolePTR was it good?

[@aleta833]

1 year later lol

[@NolePTR]

@Meth Monkey official no. Was overpriced and it tastes worse than chains.

[@docwashere3466]

"Stable, affectionate parenting leads to secure attachment." Chinese parents: I'm gonna pretend I didn't see that.

[@Agapimo]

⚠️Also need to consider those born neuro-divergent such as those wirh ASD (autism spectrum “disorder”) along with caregiver interactions✅

[@lalalallamas]

I liked this, but he didn't touch on the topic of parents being overly caring and protective

[@eismar5]

because that's not a thing.

[@melylamash]

eismar5 parents can be a helicopter parent AND overprotective. This sometimes leads to a rebellion after or during teen years ( Not your “average” teen rebellion) I noticed this mainly happens with a very religious families. If you’re too strict your child are more likely to do almost the exact opposite of what you want...

[@two-face1041]

eismar5 yes it is

[@chayimadinaandyael]

eismar5 it is, and I have heard that some researchers have found simular personality disorders in people from overprotective or over- indulging families as opposed to neglectic or abusive families.

[@Papershire]

Caring and protective are different from strict and overbearing. Very different. Trying to make your children "independent" as babies actually damage their development

[@servantgeorge1700]

After reading some of the comments, there are a lot of hurt people that need to spill how they feel. The monster (hurt/anger/evil, etc.) needs to be exposed before it can be killed. I did not have any attachment to my mother or dad: they didn't know me and I didn't know them, and we lived in the same house. They had some issues, and because of that, I, and 5 other siblings had or continue to have issues. Because my mommy didn't hug me and my dad didn't tell me he loved me doesn't mean that I have to pass that down to my children (passing down generational curses). Even when we don't feel like it (we are not to let our irrational emotions dictate what we say or do) hug them anyway and tell them that you love them anyway (let it become a good and healthy habit). Don't forget to forgive your parents: maybe they didn't know any better, BUT YOU DO. Sometime in our lives we come to realize 'we are the adult now' we need to grow up and be better than our parents; not the same or worse. Our children don't deserve that (no child does) just because we got treated bad (abused & neglected). Remember, we're the grown up now, and we need to leave that childishly ungodly thinking and behavior behind. 'The buck stops here' please... don't pass it along to your loved ones. DiamondFaithMinistries-Counseling.com

[@WeirdStichka]

Thanks :) I have an exam on this coming up. Really helped.

[@Piemasteratron]

Thought this would tell me why I still have my gameboy even though I never use it