AVOIDANT MEN - How do they communicate differently, and how to communicate with them?

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[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@sc4112]

So many folks in this comments section are commenting negatively about the exhaustion and toxicity of avoidant men and I’m going to bet those experiences have been with narcissists. Most avoidantly-attached men aren’t narcissists though! Adam mentions this repeatedly and I find it to be true in my practice as well. My father was a non-narcissistic avoidant man and my first husband was the worst sort of narcissist. It was hell. I was absolutely anxiously-attached and healed that with intensive therapy over time. Husband #2 is a lovely, wonderful man who also happens to be avoidantly-attached. Yes, as the securely - attached partner, a lot of the responsibility for providing a supportive environment that fostered security fell on me, but this man has come so far with a secure partner who is committed to having a healthy relationship. Adam‘s advice helps keep me on track every day.

[@worldadventuretravel]

That is somewhat correct, regardless: *You DON'T waste your energy on people that treat you badly, full stop. You walk away and let life teach them their lessons because this is not Build-A-Bro and women are not repair shops for broken men.*

[@sc4112]

@@worldadventuretravel Again, if you actually read the content of my comment you might notice that I’m drawing a distinction between non-toxic avoidant partners and narcissistic avoidants. There is a world of difference between the two. In no way did I ever advocate for wasting energy on irreparable men. It’s the opposite. You actually reinforce the point I was making.

[@suziesmith9076]

The likely hood of those people being narcissistic are extremely low. 5% of the population are narcissistic. The likelihood is that the person just wasn’t that in to them

[@sc4112]

@@suziesmith9076 are we in agreement then?

[@suziesmith9076]

@@sc4112 no I don’t believe that all the ppl in the comments are experiencing narcissistic personality’s i believe they are just encountering ppl who are not that in to them

[@lolaweed7467]

Communication only happens through text and they go mute in person. In my experience it’s a communication issue because they don’t want to validate their partners. I’m done pulling teeth and walking on eggshells - it’s mentally abusive

[@nerychristian]

Some people are just really shy or quiet in person. I am like that. People tell me I'm one of the most quiet persons they have ever met. But I am a good writer and that is why I prefer to text. When I am in a social setting I get very self conscious and anxious.

[@lolaweed7467]

@@nerychristian you shouldn’t be in a relationship if you’re insecure or shy around the person you’re with

[@SowingSeedsWithChristy]

​​@@nerychristian I think what you wrote there is very insightful. And I'd be willing to bet that if you told that to someone you're in a rltnshp with, along with what you might need in order to feel more at ease in that situation (hold your hand while entering the place, stay by your side for a time, stay on the fringes until you took in the scene, etc.) I bet they wld happily do that for you. :)

[@blappappa3836]

They dont trust you enough to share vulnerable things about themselves. You might even be giving them signs that if you could, you would manipulate or hurt them with that private info. Bring that up to them and if they show no signs of wanting to change say cya

[@lolaweed7467]

@@blappappa3836 their silence and stonewalling is a manipulative tactic

[@erica2105]

My ex DA and I split up 2 weeks ago after months of push and pull. I am exhausted. The day after he started sending "good morning" and "good night" text messages, but that's it. Nothing more. I replied for a few days, but then I felt he was just trying to keep me on the hook without really wanting anything serious. I told him not to write to me anymore unless he has serious intentions. I still love him, but I want someone in my life who has the balls to love me back and be there for me just as much as I'm there for them. I gave him plety of space, meeting only during weekends and not expecting co-habitation, he slowly disappeared from me emotionally and sexually and refused to do any work on us until we broke up.

[@christinaashcroft8716]

I’m in a situation like this he avoids real contact I’m left thinking what is this!

[@erica2105]

I'm sorry,@@christinaashcroft8716 , I know it's really hard. All this heartache at least is helping me understand about attachment styles and I am learning so much.

[@AttachmentAdam]

This sounds like he wasn't willing to put in the work to grow the emotional connection. It's possible he didn't know what was even available, so he simply drifted out. That happens with many avoidant men who don't understand the benefits of emotional intimacy.

[@sarahkercheval8964]

It’s like they want all or nothing. 😂

[@pwilliams4073]

Sorta dealing with this . Trying to be patient

[@Not_a_witch]

My avoidant husband proposed after a few weeks of dating, he’s not afraid of commitment, he’s definitely confused by my emotions and needs. And I’m confused by his stoicism and lack of desire for intimacy

[@isleofdogs-es6ul]

@@Not_a_witch I find it funny that my avoidant ex is obsessed with stoicism too. He has been in and out short term relationships and claims he never loved any of those women. He should stay away from women forever in my opinion.

[@Not_a_witch]

@@isleofdogs-es6ul my husband wouldn’t even use the word stoicism, it’s just an accurate way to describe him.

[@jenniferlee7167]

Goodness this is SO exhausting. I would rather be alone. I have tried working with a Ph d in psychology avoidant man who is also an attorney. He was dishonest and played games. I gave up after 1.5 years. I am a nurse and I decided I do not need this.

[@fawnkillins731]

💯

[@positivel5530]

😂

[@krose318]

Sounds like a narcissistic man not an avoidance

[@hwnboy925]

Most men just want a woman that makes their life easier rather than more complicated. Many women suffer from low emotional intelligence coupled with hypergamy and the Wall not recognizing there is little incentive for modern high value men to make a commitment to a woman, particularly with the modern gyno-centric legal system. Systemic degradation of the western family is nothing new hence incentivised fatherless homes reliant on the government daddy. The history of human genetics resulting from behavioral of humans states that there are many behaviors of women that are only accelerated by modern ideology such as feminism. Did king Solomon have so many wives just because he was charming or attractive? Or could it have been he was KING, quite successful and wealthy provider? Not to talk down or knock you but would you have given that guy the same time of day if he were a shift lead at your local McDonald's? He probably wouldn't have gotten a 1st date. Not trying to be abrasive in anyway but most modern day humans fail to recognize our own inate primate drive as a species and what most psychiatrist miss in the pursuit of helping people find meaning through the dsm5, which has a particular bias of noting western personality traits of fear and caution ( survival instincts) as mental disorders. Meanwhile, sadisim, psychopathy, macavellianism ect are just personality traits and not mental illness despite the propensity for these actual mental illnesses to cause more harm to our species as a whole than the prey type disorders listed in the DSM. Predator vs prey is how much of the biological world is classified, who's classifying humanity?

[@Darkempress45]

I think it’s exhausting for anxious attachment people because we just want to be needed and wanted and when we don’t get those cues from them, then we go into the circus act of trying to jump through fiery hoops to try to make them want us. We play the mental gymnastics and that’s what is exhausting. This is when you have to realize that the problem isn’t the avoidant man but it’s you. You have to inspect why you are settling for something that you don’t want. You have to figure out why you can’t let go of a connection that you are getting absolutely nothing from. Mostly the avoidant man can’t really hide that they are avoidant and even if you don’t know what being an avoidant is, you do know that this isn’t exactly what you had in mind. After you have explained what you need but to no avail, you must decide to leave the connection. The avoidant is who he is. You cannot change anyone but yourself. Look at how hard it is to change yourself and then you will understand that you cannot change anyone else unless they want to.

[@ER-nh9ss]

I absolutely adore my avoidant friend. No we will never he intimate or emotionally close but he is so smart and educated, so articulate in his words and and a great source of straightforward advice. Im just sad that hes going through this. I hope one day he accepts help, and ill send him to you (the only therapist ive seen that understands them fully).

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're a good friend to let him know he's not alone and that he's understood. Let him know he can always DM me on Instagram if he needs more help after watching.

[@purplesquirreltarot744]

My Sweetie is an Avoidant and he is the tenderest person! He's definitely about fairness and does not shy away from accountability. It's why I'm here to learn how to be a compassionate partner

[@nerychristian]

I am an avoidant. The reason I avoid conversations with certain women is because they ask too many personal questions. I don't like talking about myself. I prefer to talk about abstract concepts. If you want to learn more about your partner, ask him what he thinks about important topics. Or ask him for advice about something important in your life. One of the reasons avoidants have learned not to engage in conversations is because they think "What is the point of sharing my point of view, or giving you advice, if you aren't going to validate my views, or you are just going to ignore my advice and do the opposite?" The few times that I have opened up with women, it was with women who truly admired me, and they admired my thoughts. They would ask me questions about important life topics, and they would take my advice and change their ways of doing things. This showed me that they trusted me and loved me.

[@blappappa3836]

Not even 20 minutes into this video amd youre helping me understand and make connections in my thoughts that i couldn't make before. You're giving me the language I've been searching for. The part about the rules really resonated with me. I havent had a date/girlfriend in 4 years, but have probably been ready for 3 years now. I javent jumped in because dating has always seemed so unruly. No one has taught me the rules to dating and how to express needs and grounds in a relationship. This is why im so attracted to Christianity and recently Catholicism. The rules the structure on most important things arent chains. Rules for me are like the fence around the large playground. I believe this is what jordan peterson likes means by play. I dont know the rules on how to play. My play with others felt too chaotic and foreign and so I drew back and preferred games that I did know the rules to and this feel safer to me. You and Jordan Peterson are a tremendous help. But youre right, i need to apply this in real world not just mental ascent.

[@mrskauvaka]

Brain chemistry is the key to all happiness! Happiness is an inside job

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely, understanding brain chemistry can play a significant role in our happiness. It's like unlocking the secrets to our well-being. How do you cultivate happiness from within?

[@ggrace1133]

How come they don’t show these avoidant things before marriage? He was so emotionally connected and then after the honeymoon it was like he flipped off a switch and he became aloof and mega focused on work. No more 30-second hugs, no long kisses except for sex, no caresses at all, no whispering in my ear while I cooked dinner, no humming a little tune in my ear. These type of plentiful behaviors were why I fell in love with him and desired him physically. Then poof! It disappeared the week we got home and headed to work. I told him I needed those things but he said I lived in a dream world and those days were over. For me, sex soon became just sex and was no longer lovemaking. As time went on I lost more and more desire, felt incredibly lonely, eventually depressed and then love just died. He likes to be alone almost constantly, doesn’t like helping with baths and bedtime stories/prayers with the kids, and has told me emotional intimacy is a fake Hallmark/Disney trope. He doesn’t comprehend it being a true need I have. It’s not a luxury just like sex is a need for him and not a luxury or a made up Hollywood trope. He’s told me to fulfill my own emotional needs because that’s not his job. But he needs sex a lot and that is my duty. And frequent sex soon becomes boring so it becomes try this, try that. I feel like I’m a slutty porn star because there is no emotional intimacy. Without emotional intimacy, sex feels pretty much awful. I just want to get it over with. I feel like providing this need he has without him even caring about my need is pretty imbalanced. So I shut down emotionally long ago and I’m no longer in love. No matter what I say, he dodges, deflects, gets mad, blames me for being too emotional and needy. There’s no validation, no “love, honor and cherish.” He refuses counseling. He still feels emotional intimacy is “a bunch of crap.” As I try applying these techniques you and others teach, he does not respond the way you say he will. It’s been 40+ years. We had a special needs child so I felt I needed to stay. I didn’t want to feel like I was trapped so I kept seeking good things in other ways. He has a lot of good qualities, just not with me. The past five years or so he has said a few times that he doesn’t know how I’ve put up with him and he’s sorry. He wanted to focus on climbing the corporate ladder rather than focus on me. But still, nothing has changed. Nothing. He does the same old behaviors, or lack thereof. But he still wants plenty of sex. He’s a CEO. He’s used to everyone doing his bidding and not having to consider anyone else’s. So here we are. Roommates with him getting benefits. It’s not so bad. I’ve settled in to the loneliness and longing that will never be fulfilled. I’ve built a life around him, but not with him. But oh, how I wish I’d known he was emotionally bankrupt and avoidant before the wedding. I wouldn’t wish this abandonment and lack of wanting to understand on anyone.

[@yellowtheresunshine]

It reads to me that there is more going on with your husband than avoidant attachment. Look into narcissistic personality disorder; he certainly fits the profile from what you've written.

[@almasqadri7208]

I feel for you but you’re such a brave woman to still be by his side.

[@natashat2930]

Do you think he might be dealing with p* addiction? Another thought, could he be on the autism spectrum? A high functioning kind, but with the lack of empathy?

[@YWH723]

I’m so sorry and I understand 😢 We’ve been married for almost 30 years and this year we had a miracle happen. I became terrified that I was going to give up and got quietly, extremely, honest, he is going to therapy and I for the first time feel loved. He’s a good man, says he’s broken and wants help.

[@Sandra.B]

No you're not brave for putting up with that behaviour. You need to stop giving him sex immediately. Threat him with divorce if he is not willing to do counseling and work on developing a healthy emotionally available relationship snd meet your needs, and if he refuses you need to get out of there otherwise you will be a dead living thing by his side. This is serious.

[@dtejada4209]

I love the intelligent, accessible and clear way you present all this information. Thank you. ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your kind words and appreciation! ❤ What aspects of the content resonate with you the most, and what would you like to see more of in the future?

[@dtejada4209]

Adam, as difficult as it is for me to take it in after experiencing so much distress with my avoidant partner, I sincerely appreciate that you humanize people who have an avoidant attachment style. From observing my partner, I can say that they suffer silently, and aren’t necessarily jumping for joy over the suffering. We experience as a result of being a number relationship with them. Thank you. ❤ Ps. Also love the humorous twists that take the edge of such a contentious topic!

[@Sacred_Intuition111]

This is actually what happened with me and my person. Him using different vocabulary even though we speak the same language. I reached out and created a safe space. Communication without pressure

[@AttachmentAdam]

Love to hear that you did this! How are you two going now?

[@Sacred_Intuition111]

@@AttachmentAdam It is still in the works. But your videos helped me a lot and gave me great encouragement.

[@blessedbee186]

So ur feelings and needs matter less. Love urself more.

[@Sacred_Intuition111]

@blessedbee186 hahaha no need to worry about me, I am very much loving myself. Yet, understanding someone else and having compassion does improve communication. And we are literally doing very well. I hope you heal from the negativity within yourself.

[@BaritoneMonkey]

@@Sacred_Intuition111 Great response to the person above. You've done the inner work, and it shows.

[@SG-kt3vj]

THANK YOU! YOUR ADVICE HAS DRAMATICALLY CHANGED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY AVOIDANT 🥰

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for such a wonderful message to receive. I am glad there has been such positive changes for you both. By no means do you NEED to but I want to share this link with you just in case. I have been building the new course about avoidant men over the last 2 months and just released it 2 days ago. I would love for you to consider watching it together. Here is the link to the new course! You can also visit Adamlanesmith.com directly to learn more. adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ If you choose to continue enjoying the free content I am happy to have you here on the channel!

[@christinaashcroft8716]

I’m anxious attachment - with an avoidant attachment style person - he gets himself so focused on his work and says he has a mistress His Work! Then when he sees me he is Luke warm - I have broken up with him twice because I’m not receiving any reciprocal affection- scales are all weighed in his favour !

[@elaine4937]

Same experience even attachment styles.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like you're missing a system for fostering emotional intimacy between the two of you. Once avoidant men understand how to create that and why it's vital to both you and them, most are happy to make it happen. Have you two been able to have a conversation around emotional intimacy systems yet, or do you need some help?

[@DM-wv6to]

My situationship beloved avoidant has a degree in psychology and is very self reflective and growth oriented. This is the only reason I stuck with it for 2 years now. Inspired by your videos I wrote him a letter based on your suggestions. I know he read it and is (over) thinking it right now 😂 I'm ready to let it go, if he doesn't rise to the challenge, as continuing to get deeper in and him detaching brutally after will eventually destroy me. What you say about the hormones is also so true. He's 42 and exhausted by the stress, fear, over-thinking and auto- responsive behaviour.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your experience! It sounds like you've put a lot of thought and effort into communicating with your partner. Feel free to reach out if you need guidance or have any questions.

[@DM-wv6to]

@@AttachmentAdam I had a look at your prices. I'm in Europe and these are very high prices for us here. Is there a special reduced rate for Europe? The going rate where I am in Western Europe for coaching, counselling etc is €90-100 an hour, to give you an idea.

[@JenMaunier]

Hey Adam, I’m from France, I love your channel. I am anxiously attached and changing by the day mostly thanks to you. Your videos help me so much to reflect on how to heal and how to not push away my avoidant man 😂 13 years of marriage, 3 kids… i feel like I finally understand him and see through the shell. I can’t use words yet, because he still reacts like he is treathened. But I can see a HUGE difference in how he reacts as my own reactions change. I give him space, I try my best not to take things personally and we can bond through things i never imagined we could (like cleaning the car 😅). It’s not a race but a marathon, and it looks so much manageable now, thank you so much!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for sharing your journey, Jen! Your message truly warms my heart. It's incredibly rewarding to hear how my videos have played a part in your personal growth and relationship dynamics. It sounds like you've made remarkable progress in understanding and navigating your attachment styles together. If you ever need further support or guidance, don't hesitate to reach out at [e-mail] - Wishing you continued success and happiness in your marriage and family life!

[@nancyperreault3732]

Bookmarked ! Thank You

[@OlderWomenRock]

My ex was not raised in a hurtful situation. He thought His parents were great He said they were very busy , farmers , always working I’m the one that had a difficult childhood Apparently when Avoidants do the test from the book attached Most say they are Secure ? Avoidant Very sensitive ? I can’t see it . Fairness I was the one often saying “ it’s only fair “ I tried to appeal to His sense of fairness Because fairness is important to Me

[@george540]

Yes, almost everything is run through the frame of a business cycle. Everything is opportunity cost. The words i use often conflict with the meanings others imply, but those definitions make zero sense when cross reference with the framework ive used to survive.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Exactly right. We've got to be able to communicate together, so clarifying like this is crucial.

[@1badassrn129]

The Lone Wolf man that I love would greatly benefit from hearing this discussion. I'm going to send it to him. I hope it helps. Thank you. 🙏🏽

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's wonderful to hear! I hope the discussion resonates with him and brings some insight. If there's anything else I can do to assist, feel free to reach out to [e-mail] 🌟

[@stephanieseverin9074]

This is very enlightening information. Thank you ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

You are so welcome, which part stood out to you as most helpful?

[@stephanieseverin9074]

@@AttachmentAdam Your analogy of 2 different sets of board game rules speaks volumes. I find this helpful to remember to be cognizant of this in all communication, not necessarily just with respect to attachment styles. Your insights really are akin to Google translate 😆

[@angelinavitaleco9640]

Love your videos ❤

[@matthewnorris203]

This is true. Fairness is very important to me. If I found one thing in dating, it’s that many women don’t care about showing up in a way that I will enjoy. It’s seems like they have expected me to just give to them and they will give if they feel like it. That’s when I step out. I’ve been seeing a girl for 18 months and it’s always very calming when she is so fair and then some. I end up giving a lot more to her because of that.

[@ggrace1133]

Why don’t you try being the giver so she’ll want to give more too. It goes both ways. Otherwise we feel we have to earn and deserve you giving. It’s seems it’s never freely given, but rather give to me first and if I’m not too busy or preoccupied I’ll give back.

[@matthewnorris203]

@@ggrace1133 Because that would be rewarding behavior I don’t like. If I give more when she’s not giving much, that tells her her behavior is OK with me, and often it’s simply not nearly enough to warrant my attention and presence.

[@mookeystinks190]

I love my sweet avoidant even though he can be quite insular. As a missionary kid/preacher kid I was very much alone as a child and we have a lot in common as for traumatic childhoods. I’m leaning more anxious/secure but really understand most of his avoidant behaviors. I think of how he’s feeling and apologize when I sense that I may have really hurt his feels. (Empath) I grew up in Japan so many of my culturally relevant actions get confused for avoidant behavior… we are now back from a 4 month separation but I’m not sure where we are going. He seems muuuuch more communicative and seems to be changing but says things like “I worry I’m ruining your life”. I asked him point blank “ do you still love me and want to be with me” and his answer very slowly was “ if I didn’t want to be with you, why would I keep talking to you? I wouldn’t let you in my life if I didn’t love you” this felt very sincere. I want to be with him but he is going through the end of a rough divorce, possibly changing jobs after 15 plus yrs so I get that he’s in a transitional place right now. Needs that space. Am I being selfish wanting to see him once a week, or asking for a “schedule” of some kind? Really want to make this work where we are both content with things. I’m willing to wait for him. ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your experience, I appreciate it. Your empathetic, understanding approach is a great foundation for building security and safety in your relationship. Why do you think it would be selfish to see him once a week?

[@mookeystinks190]

@@AttachmentAdam I think it stems from childhood. My needs were always last so I think what he would want always is more valuable. I’ve been working on that but it “feels” selfish to me still. Just like assertive feels aggressive often.

[@cjthefox]

As long as you’re communicating at all you’re already on the right track

[@Pheonix1111]

Hi Adam. This is an excellent video. That is exactly what I always try to do when I meet someone new. I try to establish fair rules, but no one wants to do it. They think I am weird for trying to do this. So I just avoid them when they are inevitably unfair with me.

[@kaitlin8669]

The same happened to me. Everyone just wants to have fun and doesn't want to have any "meetings" or discussions

[@AttachmentAdam]

You are not weird for trying to do this. This is pretty normal, even if avoidant folks might take it a little further than most. Make sure you connect with people who are willing to be this transparent. We're practicing this inside the Attachment Circle together because it's something you have to experience to believe anyone else will respond positively to it.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Those are not people you will be able to count on in stressful situations.

[@Pheonix1111]

@@AttachmentAdam Thank you Adam for confirming that I was trying to do the correct thing with people. I have a difficult time finding a fair person. Fair people are extremely rare and are not among my family and friend circle. Avoidance is normal for me. But your Attachment Circle sounds amazing. It is difficult for me to believe this actually happens in the world outside of your Attachment Circle.

[@LexiLex2629]

My ex has called relationships transactions before, jokingly but I know he really meant it…. Oh my. He really is avoidant. He needs to be told things explicitly. He’d always have a reason why he wasn’t ready to get married and I just couldn’t understand why after damn near a decade he was so hesitant to share his feelings either me and afraid to move forward. I don’t think he’ll ever change that. If after 7 years he didn’t trust me with his heart he won’t ever trust anyone.

[@rebecca_stone]

I too am risk tracking. Full compassion to avoidants - I am healing my own attachment traumas, as an FA. But having carried out my own risk assessment, based on a lifetime of consequences data (starting with avoidant parents), I am clear that those who have unhealed avoidant style are an unjustifiable danger for me.

[@Mom_Luvs_Tech]

Hey Adam, I dated a guy that I thought was an anxious attacher but after reading the book Attached, I realized he was very much avoidant. Will you do a video about subtle ways a man is actually avoidant and not anxious. I think you’ve mentioned this one type of manipulative avoidant.

[@georginafronda496]

Once they allow you to show them and engage with emotional intimacy yes I agree things will be great. Most don’t want to that’s the problem

[@jaytrent62]

severe yes

[@AttachmentAdam]

To which questions?

[@pugninja7037]

I'd say 8, o clock.. he'd say 20 hundred hours.. it was very odd speech Miscommunication in general..I know 20:00 is 8 but his wording was so military sounding .cold

[@shellbell8062]

How do you enable the longer term oxytocin bonding in an avoidant? Do you have a video on this?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I do, check out my earlier video "What avoidant men need to be happy", and also "How to love an avoidant man"

[@svetikchum6988]

How to bring it up to them

[@tammyhilts610]

Yes. And I tried hard to match my communication style w that person. Just never seemed to get it right

[@thevikingwolfpack836]

Some of us avoident men have been used an abused so we rather jest be alone that can over come stuff weve been told we'd never do.

[@murphys8897]

You mentioned something in a previous video about lack of kissing (even if they do other physical stuff). Why is this?

[@ER-nh9ss]

I also wonder

[@jdprettynails]

As an anxious woman….I am absolutely all of those things, emotional, clingy….. But I keep it on the inside. Or try to. My avoidant guy has encouraged me to open up about my anxiety and I did, but I recognised it’s not his problem to fix. I was in tears by the end of the conversation but he gave me a kiss and told me it was cute.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm happy to hear you were able to open up to your partner and found a safe space. It's not easy. I'd love to help you build a stronger connection with your partner, away from anxiety, built on love, respect and support that last. Feel free to send me an Instagram DM @attachmentadam and let's get started.

[@jdprettynails]

@@AttachmentAdam oh I would absolutely love to, but I can only afford your fees in my wildest dreams. Maybe one day.

[@nerychristian]

@@jdprettynails Supplements like ashwagandha and Reishi mushrooms help with anxiety

[@RJ-Isaac-TSOML]

There seems to be a link between ADHD and avoidant attachment. Both exhibit dopamine seeking behavior. I am someone that is both clearly avoidant attachment and ADHD but I honestly can't identify any clear distinction. Do you have any insight on this topic?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sure, but first I'd love to know where you've seen the links between avoidant attachment and ADHD in your own self, if you're comfortable with sharing that.

[@RJ-Isaac-TSOML]

@@AttachmentAdam I have often characterized a number of the challenges I face as the result of ADHD. My inability to stay focused; constant need of having a podcast or some additional stimuli; being forgetful and making obvious mistakes; difficulty dealing with stress; being disorganized; and rejection sensitivity. However, as I learn to understand more about attachment styles I can reframe these as being the byproduct of being avoidant attachment. I am in a constant state of feeling as if everyone dislikes me (or outright hates me) and that I am constantly failing to meet the expectations of those in my life. If I am to reframe my ADHD symptoms as the byproduct of avoidant attachment issues, then I can reason that I constantly listen to podcasts or watch TV shows to distract myself from this “reality” of being disliked. It also gives me the benefit of having “friends” (the podcasts hosts or characters in the show) that I don’t have to worry about letting down. When the feelings that I am failing everyone becomes acute I then try to distract myself with a dopamine hit from social media. As for being forgetful, disorganized, and having difficulty dealing with stress this could be because I am in a constant high stress state. As such, my ability to filter out non-threatening information greatly diminished so I end up forgetting important things because unimportant things occupy my attention. Adding more stress to the mix just results in me shutting down. Rejection sensitivity seems pretty straight forward. If through my childhood I constantly experienced rejection then I would become acutely aware of the red flags of potential rejection as a mechanism to avoid potential rejection. This is likely the reason I feel as if everyone dislikes me. Anyway, my hypothesis is that ADHD, particularly in adults, may be misdiagnosed avoidant attachment. Both are more prominent in men and both exhibit dopamine seeking behavior and dysregulation of norepinephrine. And it's much more socially acceptable to say "I have ADHD" than "I have attachment avoidance." Or maybe it’s just me.

[@misschris325]

​@@RJ-Isaac-TSOML I like your insight on that, very astute observations. I'm skimming through these videos, a little too late- marriage may be over the day we hit our 1 year. Shame, really. As someone who also was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, a lot of whay you wrote resonated with me.

[@tiname1805]

How to turn on his oxytocin production in a friend with benedita situation that has been going on for 13y, so there is a lot of attraction there. We both had a lot of inner work to do so I feel fwb situation was a good construction for space to self-redlecr and grow individually.

[@nerychristian]

Hyperbaric oxygen therapy

[@nerychristian]

This may seem like a dumb question. Don't most women prefer avoidants? I thought women were turned off by men who try too hard, or who are clingy? Don't women prefer men who are stoic and don't reveal their emotions? As an avoidant, my biggest fear is that if I allow the woman to see my weaknesses, she will either lose respect for me, or she will use my mistakes against me, if we have an argument. I think many men are just trying to avoid the mistakes that they have seen in other people's relationships. Maybe I'm just imitating my mother. Who never really showed any affection towards my dad. I never once have heard my mom say that she loved my dad, or initiate any physical contact with him

[@RubyLine]

Avoidants would suit people who are extremely independent. But even secure people can become anxious with how dismissive an avoidant can be. I had been with a severe DA for a few years, and well ... no more. I've been kind, patient, loving, compassionate, loyal and caring. He himself admitted it. But for what ? Not really into getting the silent treatment for asking for a text a month.Topped with the ghosting, being ignored, broken promises, actions never matched words, absolutely no effort, initiating or communication from him. I foolishly enabled him hoping that he would finally stop seeing me as a threat.The list goes on after 2-3 years. The sole good thing out of this is that I've become far more secure, because I realised that I deserved everything I gave too. A man who doesn't show his emotions? No thank you. I've spent all my childhood having to NOT express any emotions/ feelings and not being vulnerable, to cope I dissociated. I'm done being judged, criticised, for having or expressing them. Being with a "stoic" man would just lead to this again. That's just me though. We all have our own values and dealbreakers. If you're with someone who keeps score (using your weaknesses and mistakes), leave and move on (except ofc if your mistakes were abusive or toxic obviously). That's toxic, abusive and manipulative behaviour. The key thing imo is to heal our own attachment style. But also try to find out if your partner/interest you're with wants to heal themselves and improve the relationship (if they're insecure, which is probably the case considering the stats), basically checking if they have a growth mindset or not.

[@eileendom5858]

Do you have videos on what a manipulative avoidant looks like? I think I broke up with one a year ago. He was definitely dismissive avoidant.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Check out my earlier video "Revealing the dark truth about narcissists abusers"

[@georgesontag2192]

I thought avoidant people avoid talking about problems. Getting them to say anything is a start.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Avoidantly attached people steer away from vulnerability and emotional intimacy, so yes, getting them to open up would be a start. Have you tried any strategies that work to make an avoidant open up?

[@nerychristian]

The way you get an avoidant person to open up is not to ask them questions about themselves, but to ask them questions about philosophical ideas, abstract concepts, what they would do in certain situations, what they think about a movie or book, etc. Avoidants hate talking about themselves. But if you show them that you value their thoughts, they will be more likely to open up about other things. One reason that people don't open up to others is because they either don't trust you, or they think "Why bother giving this person my input, if she is not going to take my advice?" Avoidant people like to be intellectually challenged. That is why they prefer to do things on their own. Because they think their way of doing something is the correct way to do it. And if I try to share my life with you, you will try to change my habits. Instead of trying to change her habits, try learning why she has those habits or hobbies, and ask if you can join her

[@nadiao82]

Not trying to be rude, I’m genuinely curious: wouldn’t a constant need to assess risk translate into fear? I mean deep down they are feeling anxiety about making mistakes… that’s fear, no?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yes, fear is a sign and component of avoidantly attached as well as anxiously attached people. The ultimate goal is to steer towards secure attachment where fear isn't non-existent, but isn't crippling or affecting the relationship. Does this answer your question?

[@angelinavitaleco9640]

The truth is emotional commitment and financial or work commitment are completely different. Some emotionally avoided men are terrified of emotional commitment but they are not terrified of work commitment. Please understand that ❤

[@Melody9616]

How to reach out: I know we haven't been contact for some time. I want you to feel comfortable. I want to make sure to be fair to you. When would be a good time for us to meet up and have a dicussion about carrying foreward?"

[@AttachmentAdam]

Do you have someone in mind for sending this message?

[@blessedbee186]

So basically I know i deserve someone who doesn’t need to be fixed into loving me but i love myself so little that i will take ur breadcrumbs. Ur needs will never be met. But how sad for u that ull meet his.

[@esterdorweiler9740]

You talk about conversations. How about where there is conversation avoiding?

[@AttachmentAdam]

How severe is the avoiding of discussion? Do they refuse, or do they try but get frustrated?

[@esterdorweiler9740]

@AttachmentAdam Avoiding actual conversations but sends music/lyrics or posts on Facebook. At this point it seems positive in nature and the lyrics are positive statements about commitment/marriage. And we listens to pod cast, prayers, and music with me. But sometimes, it feels somehow disconnected. He is Avoident, and I am secure attachment style.

[@georginafronda496]

@@AttachmentAdamthey avoid conversations that instead steer discussions and avoids conversation. He appears to get frustrated and accuses of being pressured.

[@Greentea4591]

Should I send an avoidant ex that I have been in a relationship with for 13years a birthday message (the last year and a half broken up but we had on and off contact) All the “ex back” relationship coaches seem to say no don’t send a birthday message. I don’t want him to give him any reasons to think I don’t really love him and care about him. We didn’t have a bad breakup I am just hurt he doesn’t want anything with me anymore. I don’t want to be bitter or selfish. I don’t know if a message from me would be appreciated or he would rather not hear from me, and I don’t want my sending a message to make him take longer or never come back to me

[@misschris325]

How are you doing now? My one year anniversary was yesterday. I am 2600 miles away with family and I think the marriage is over. I'm gutted. He is high IQ, has his own past traumas, and communication has been difficult. It's like he wants to hash it out, but reacts poorly to me emotional breakdowns. It's draining on us all but I still love him. Strange times we're in- maybe for the best so we can think about these things. I hope you are doing better❤

[@svetikchum6988]

Right so because they face all these scary things imagine the coward is it takes to not be able to face true love and somebody that wants to be there for them and love them isn't that interesting so none of anything else means anything

[@corinnarossi6442]

Is it ok to say "I love you " to an avoidant?

[@worldadventuretravel]

*You DON'T waste your energy on people that treat you badly, full stop. You walk away and let life teach them their lessons because this is not Build-A-Bro and women are not repair shops for broken men.*

[@azaleacoqui754]

😅 I agree

[@lukeyLuke55]

I've been called weird most of my adult life because of the way I communicate

[@ER-nh9ss]

So what? They are missing an important puzzle piece in their minds - the ability to learn from people who think differently.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm sorry to hear that. What unique aspects of your communication style do you think might contribute to that perception? If you need any guidance I would love to help, please feel free to message me at [e-mail]

[@lukeyLuke55]

It only truly bothered me the first couple times someone rudely pointed it out in my late teens early twenties after afternoon conversations. The thing is it's become at the very least a recurring comment from people all either strangers or first meeting future friends. I can tell you I've never thought that thought enough to blare out after I say something "you talk weird". The way I converse with someone new say on Monday, Someone else I might meet is getting the same tone and vocabulary. I couldn't understand why this belittling word was haunting me. It took time to accept whatever it was made me, me. I just feel bad for the people who couldn't gather the word they meant in that moment... Unique. There's nothing wrong with the way I talk or tell stories to my children or even introduce myself to a new regional manager before the rest of my co-workers even ...

[@cafe.cedarbeard]

You got it, mate. As soon as you took the position of the inquisitor and crouched and pointed your finger it didn't matter that you were holding the emotional tone of satire, my martial arts blocked the sight of your finger because to me that's like pointing a weapon at me. People have no idea the power in the finger pointing. It has all to often been the attack of the violent mobs in emotional idiocy that always murder wisdom. I don not point my finger at people. Martial arts training should be part of every elementary school if you ask me. Not for the fighting, for the discipline.

[@cafe.cedarbeard]

Uff da, 20 years involuntary celibacy induced by what you call 'avoidant' I call Gemini Moon, or my wild senses, or my witch wound. The woke mob of the Pacific Northwest urban areas took my senses and trained me to see way too much risk in even asking a woman out, even for just coffee and a conversation. All the talk on the mobster Left where I grew up and was swallowed by it until my late 40's drove me to just get used to not being able to get through to women beyond friendly conversation, too much risk when one can have that pointer finger of doom cast upon us just for being a horny man with a loving heart.

[@XenaGem]

Adam said that avoidants find it difficult to trust. Does that mean they use manipulation strategies like as a narc uses? How is that person different from a narc? Is it the avoidant’s inability to trust his wife that prompts him to justify stealing total control of the family finances and to make decisions as if he is still solo/single? In this case, the wife has proven over ten years to be completely trustworthy and loyal, while he has betrayed her trust financially and morally repeatedly. Is he a narc or an avoidant with baggage? He had a tough childhood, knowing no love, but his wife was also abused as a child. How should the wife treat this kind of avoidant husband?

[@esterdorweiler9740]

So are you saying they base their logic on the life expreiences of the past. No one is trustworthy, supportive, or loving except the Avoidant themselves. Is this logic based beliefs or thinking?

[@knowideas7184]

Can’t speak for all of us but from personal experience it isn’t a logic as much as perpetual confirmation bias. I always give people the benefit of the doubt because my logic is everyone is an individual. Problem is I’m hyper aware of red flags and deceit. As time goes by the tolerance for these negative behaviors are severely diminished.

[@esterdorweiler9740]

Not sure I understand perpetual confirmation bias

[@knowideas7184]

I’m hyper vigilant spotting the things I’m trying to avoid in a person. Nobody’s perfect so eventually I can confirm behavior from them I am trying to avoid. I’m biased to believe myself, I believe what I can confirm. Confirmation bias…

[@esterdorweiler9740]

@@knowideas7184 sounds rather strategic. Just how is that accomplished or confirmed?

[@AttachmentAdam]

This is perpetual confirmation bias of their painful experiences. They shut off from other people so they're only going to connect with people who are going to use them, unfortunately. And their skillset only allows them to attract insecure people. So the loop continues until they break it.

[@huzvlogs3799]

Why do I feel like I'm an avoidant, but when i took the attachment test for the 3rd time in different test sites, the result is always secured 😅

[@hitchhiker6407]

How do I help my avoidant partner connect through oxytocin?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to help! I invite you to email me at [e-mail] to learn more!

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

You say a situationship can't progress into a relationship. If the avoidant friend feels safe and you assure them that they don't have to marry you, can they be willing to be loyal in that friendship? Is it still possible to have an 'exclusive' relationship even if it only remains a friendship?

[@AttachmentAdam]

How would the 'exclusive' relationship and friendship overlap in this situation?

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

@@AttachmentAdam Tricky Adam! I'd love it to be more but he's not ready for that. We've done a lot of things together and had strong attraction but no label on the relationship. It feels we have something exclusive from my point of view and I find I can feel jealous if he gives attention to other single women which could be interpreted by them as interest. But because we are just 'special friends' I don't feel I can say that that hurts. (And I'm not sure whether he's quite aware of how they might read it!)

[@nerychristian]

@@angelam.e.richardson3501 Sounds like he is just using you? How old is he? Maybe he just sees you as a booty call, and wants to leave himself open in case he meets someone who is marriage material

[@georginafronda496]

Up front and direct does not work. My ex DA accused me of aggression. You can’t win with DA

[@nerychristian]

We can't always put labels on things. Sometimes people are just not that into us. Some people are just players.

[@TheHouseOffice]

8:13 avoidant translator

[@christinaashcroft8716]

Yes I’m in a relationship like this he does speak another language he used to be a lawyer so I assumed that was why he used these big words! He says he has to work he is a work alcoholic-

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds very classically avoidant. I work with a LOT of lawyers to help them build fulfilling personal lives. If he's open to working together he's welcome to email me at [e-mail]. You can also show him my video "What an avoidant man needs to be happy" and ask if that's something he wants to achieve together.

[@rebeccastafford5316]

Adam, are you an ENFJ?

[@AttachmentAdam]

INTP actually.

[@fawnkillins731]

Not worth the headache

[@deborahrichardson4720]

😮

[@david9920]

I would love to see your new girl with you😇 I my self don't knew if I am fighting true some depression loss of so friends to illness lot of changes in life.. Need face time with a therapist to rely find my attachment stile I love your passion for yourlife work seen a new video fore awhile then it vanished from your feed about has society already collapsed would love to see it on your feed elements about all the Prediction of universe25 all coming out true love t see on your channel again .thank you

[@user-wz8xt6ox3m]

You don’t take insurance ? lol

[@brendagal1273]

5/4/24. Good day. What is😅