Avoidant Ex? Here's What He's Thinking!

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Have you ever wondered what goes on in the mind of an avoidant ex? If you've found yourself asking questions like "Does he still love me?" or "What is he thinking?", you're not alone. In this insightful video, Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist, delves deep into the intricacies of avoidant attachment style and helps decode the thoughts of avoidant men.
Join Adam as he navigates through the five brain chemicals that influence avoidant behavior and sheds light on how these individuals perceive relationships. From dopamine cycles to oxytocin bonding, he breaks down the science behind avoidant tendencies and offers valuable insights for anyone dealing with an avoidant partner or ex.
Whether you're seeking closure, hoping for reconciliation, or simply aiming to understand the complexities of avoidant behavior, this video is a must-watch. By the end, you'll gain a clearer understanding of avoidant men's thought processes and learn practical strategies for navigating relationships with them.
Don't miss out on this opportunity to gain invaluable insights into the avoidant mind. Sit back, relax, and let Adam Lane Smith guide you through the maze of avoidant behavior. Watch now and empower yourself with the knowledge to decode your ex's thoughts.
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video a watch: • How to FIX Avoidant At...
The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Decoding the Mind of an Avoidant Man
00:02:14 - The Love Hormone - Oxytocin
00:04:30 - The Effects of Stress on Avoidant Men
00:06:38 - Difficulties in Romantic Relationships and Sexual Relationships
00:08:45 - The Threat of Emotional Needs
00:10:53 - Avoidant Men and Relationships
00:13:10 - Wondering if He Played a Role in the Breakup
00:15:21 - Having a Rational Conversation
00:17:33 - Avoidant Men and Reconnecting Relationships
00:19:52 - Introduction to Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith

[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@sc4112]

I can’t imagine being caught in the on-off cycle. Ladies who are doing this, please honor yourselves and heal that anxious attachment. The payoff in being securely attached is priceless.

[@kaitlin8669]

They will still do this to secure and avoidant women. It will not stop just because you are secure. He has to do his work too, and most will not even for a secure woman. Just be prepared.

[@dylancag977]

It's not that easy. There are horomones and chemistry and subconcious programs running the show instead of rational thought. Like any addict, one can't just stop. But Adam's work is very helpful in understanding that much! And promises a way out. Bless you Adam!

[@dvegas]

You're correct. The best investment we can make is in ourselves. Then our relationships all change; some improve and others fall away. The ones who are unhealthy become more and more obvious as we fix our attachment.

[@summerxwings]

@@kaitlin8669 Fully agreed. I was secure before I met my last ex. Previous two boyfriends were also secure so attachment issues were never a problem. My last ex, as wonderful and lovely as he was, was a fearful avoidant. That could make some of the most secure people on this planet turn anxious.

[@ivonesilva6084]

In the dating pool over 50, most single males are DA s. If you are a secure woman there are very few optional.

[@sc4112]

As a securely-attached woman whose husband is avoidant, these videos have helped me SO much in communicating in non-threatening ways. Not that I was “threatening” him, but as sensitive as I am to his needs, he was misunderstanding me continually because the phrasing I used was inadvertently triggering his fears. He’s come so far without even trying as I’ve learned how to communicate with him in calming, reassuring ways. The difference is amazing. I definitely see him thriving in the presence of increased oxytocin and I’m getting mine recharged as well!

[@IshtarBellydancer]

Thank you for sharing this!!! I have only realized in recent months that my communication was what was pushing my husband away. Emotions spilling out causing issues. So I’ve been changing that. It’s been good to learn about Adam’s attachment theory. It’s never too late to grow and change when you have the information. We both have CPTSD … so living apart for now is necessary to deal with our individual issues first without triggering each other. I love the brain chemical part information :) very practical. Having a 20 year marriage and knowing each other nearly 30 years we have had as many fun friendship affectionate moments inbetween the issues. He has capacity to be very close, genuinely loving and kind as a fearful avoidant.

[@SEVENTHREEANDNINE]

That is quite incredible. Congratulations for your commitment

[@Seraphina93]

@@IshtarBellydancerwish I’ll get there one day my dad is DA and my ex too and once I „got“ him I no longer wanted to. I also don’t want children but attract dudes who want them

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

The worst thing on getting over avoidant ex is the info that I learn after everything is done. You're like "why didn’t I know this? What would have happened if I knew that? It honeslty all feels like it's my damn fault because I didn’t know about all those things that make them uniqe and require such a different approach." It constantly haunts me knowing that I have scared him away even tho I was trying so hard not to

[@Greentea4591]

SAME I found all of this out too late too. I keep wishing I knew all of this BEFORE he broke up with me even, maybe he wouldn’t have left me😏

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

@Greentea4591 I found out about attachment whilst still in touch but too much damage caused before that. And then it takes time to apply all that you hear! You try but it takes some trials to get it right. Then you hear about vasopressin after all is gone !?!?!? 🤦‍♀️ It's like WTF!! Honestly 🤯🫤

[@kaitlin8669]

They don't work. Avoidant men can't even handle avoidant women. This works only if he is in therapy. If he isn't in therapy it will not work.

[@beancheese3148]

I guess the reason is because you can’t know what you don’t know until you know it. I struggled with this as well since my last partner fit me like a glove. The only communication discrepancy was in this avoidant-anxious tango. As I healed things about myself it made me want to kick myself because I realized I was a bigger part of the separation than I ever thought I was. Maybe things will be different, they’ll come around again and you’ll be marked with the tools and love you didn’t know about previously. That or this information provides you more context for relationships and to be more flexible in the future. Your next partner might need your love in this way. I hope for all the best for you. I know how lonely getting all this information now feels like.

[@ma.elizavillarino6225]

Don't beat yourself up for it. Everything happens for a reason. You did the best you could with the information you knew then. What's important is how you move forward with the information you know now.

[@HashtagAPI8]

My avoidant bf of 6 years asked if we could “take a break from the relationship and feelings”. So now we are acting like weird friends that don’t really talk about anything. I feel extreme anxiety, I have lost my job and I’m deteriorating. He hasn’t asked me once how I feel. We don’t live together because I never asked or pressured for it knowing he wasn’t ready. We are late 30s. I know he isn’t a bad guy but I wish I had never met him…

[@gemmaburns6407]

They cause the anxiety! A relationship should bring peace, they make you feel unappreciated, unattractive the list goes on, keep yourself free from him, I was with mine 5yrs and the same as you never lived together, what’s the point if your both on different paths, you’ll get back to been secure and wonder why you went along with it for this length of time, remember it’s using all your precious yrs! Find someone who appreciates your worth and kind heart ❤️

[@HashtagAPI8]

@@gemmaburns6407 Thank you 🙏🏽 It’s really rough and you start questioning yourself and your own sanity. I feel like I’m really needy but then I look at it objectively and realize that I have only heard him say he loves me 3 times in 6 years and that I actually am really alone while being with him. I’m sorry you went through this too. It really has a way of ruining your self worth in ways I didn’t know were possible

[@gemmaburns6407]

@@HashtagAPI8 I promise it’s not you! You are worthy of love and romance 🥰 it’s normal to feel love and want to show and receive it! It’s them that have issues, absolutely nothing wrong with who you are, iv never felt so unattractive and ugly, I lost my job to due to anxiety, iv never had it in my life I didn’t even know what anxiety was, I’m 5mths out now and I’m doing great, iv got my bubbly self back and my sense of self worth, you’ve got this!! It’s time to fill your glass back up instead of it been empty, poring it all in his, cut all contact and look in the mirror every morning and tell urself how amazing you are but be warned he will try to come back! I just hope it’s when your glass is full again cos believe me you won’t give any more time or attention ❤️❤️

[@gemmaburns6407]

@@HashtagAPI8 your not needy, your a normal human being that has emotions! That deserves to be loved and cherished, you deserve all the love and support you gave him, that’s a normal healthy relationship, one where you’re not wandering why you feel alone, why doesn’t he show me love, why doesn’t he make me feel attractive, why doesn’t he make me feel important in his life??? The list goes on, you are NOT needy just a person who has a good heart and is full of love, well it’s his loss and just think how amazing it would be to have someone with the same heart as urs! Giving to you! You’ve got this and don’t give him anymore of your precious yrs! ❤️

[@pasmetha]

​@@gemmaburns6407 thank you for writing this. I've been crying over my avoidant ex. After 1 month of breakup, I called him telling him I still loved him. And I've just been receiving breadcrumbs. I'm so broken, because I just eat up all the breadcrumbs. I'm a beggar for love. The dopamine hits make sense. My libido went down because I was emotionally starved in the relationship. From his side, that was a problem. He said I need sexual intimacy that you weren't providing. If I asked you to s*ck my d*ck, would you do it? I just want to love and be loved. But it feels like he values sex over actual emotional connection. Probably for the dopamine hits I feel so broken

[@itsmelanieking]

The best explanation I have ever heard. The brain functions and chemical adaptation take the avoidant discussion to another level. It really helps depersonalize their behavior and allows one to see it from a clinical view. Bravo!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you! The added benefit to this approach is that avoidant people stop and listen because it’s not just about feelings, which never speaks to them. The chemical science makes it real and helps them understand that there might just be a better way of relating to others.

[@magicisreal111]

This was my last relationship to a tee. Two and a half years in when I moved back home after being across the country for two years I asked for a firm commitment: “You’re such a beautiful, special person. You’re gorgeous. I love and care for you. I’m wildly sexually attracted to you. Our sex is off the charts amazing. I love spending time with you. You make me feel safe to be vulnerable. I love the way you care for me. But a committed relationship? I just don’t have those kinds of feelings for you. But I still want you in my life because we’ve been friends for 15 years and you’re one of the most important people in my life. You’re just not the right person for me.” His ex of eleven years was abusive, toxic, jealous, angry; possessive and much less attractive than either of us but he easily committed to her. He told me one day they just started hanging out and then committed and then moved in together. It’s so hard to wrap my head around. But that’s a traumatic childhood for ya. And clearly I’ve completely moved on, detached and don’t think about this hardly ever at all most of the time if ever. 😭

[@SarahXu-ut3zf]

My ex is an avoidant, I didn't understand his behavior for almost 6 years and now I finally understand... However, after I finally decide to leave him behind and start a new relationship, I discovered that my new relationship is an avoidant man again...

[@Swiss_Girl]

same. we were together almost 5 years but I broke up a month ago. I feel sad for him, now I start to understand. But I need real love in my life and a man who knows what love is❤

[@bigshirley8658]

Should have stayed loyal

[@amy44499]

I just want to scream. But I’m trying to understand. We are on totally different planets. Adam, how are you living in both of our brains?! I have gained so much wisdom though. So I thank you 🙏🏼

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely! Understanding can sometimes feel like traversing two different worlds, but it's incredible how wisdom can bridge those gaps. Keep exploring, and you'll find more connections than you expect. 🌟🙏🏼

[@amy44499]

@@AttachmentAdam Thank you Adam.

[@grossliz1995]

Im avoidant and it really helps to know which chemicals youre missing or not even actively seeking to try to find a balance. This really helps.

[@fs4162]

Avoidant man here, who was dating another avoidant guy. It is exhausting to do this though. It’s like you are constantly walking on eggshells. You have to watch your every move and adapt to make sure nothing is wrong. And living waiting to be dumped at any moment. Even though I wasn’t needy, I was still labeled as one, and a former ex accused me of being too avoidant and closed of, so this is frustrating and confusing. Honestly this feels hopeless after trying and being self aware yet, failing at every step.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for sharing your experience. It seems like his avoidant behavior triggered some anxiety for you. Since you were both avoidant, do you think you were able to understand each other better on some level?

[@danielademello3330]

It seems you did this video form me. It's really precise, so thank you. But, even though my ex is an ethical one and has a good heart and I know he loves me, I can't help but wonder if is worthy to be in a relationship with these kind of people... Why would I wanna be in a relationship full of anxiety trying to understand my partner's brain chemicals? It sounds exhausting. I feel like I deserve better.

[@joanmu1053]

Dopamine cycle ~ high level of cortisol > survival issues in childhood, lone wolf , chasing dopamine again Which blocks oxitocin >> love & affection Gaba low > bad sleep patterns Low vesapreson > produced by deep relaxing conversations, connecting with others, .. monogamy selfquestioning Avoidant behaviour comes from Risk Management Si he feels Trapped bc you keep questioning him. Then you are a treat, you are needy... Emotional intimacy disappears

[@Im____ltm]

I had a panic attack for the first time Friday night. Saw my avoidant ex with a new girl for the first time since we split 3 months ago. I broke up with him because he couldn’t commit but Adam’s videos had me thinking maybe I should have been more patient… Now it’s too late to get back with him because he seems to have moved on and put me aside. I’ll never know. Everything hurts right now

[@Greentea4591]

This doesn’t mean he will never come back. Its only been 3 months. Being with other women could actually make him realize you were better for him too in time. You never know, but its best for you to try to move on and try to date other people too

[@gemmaburns6407]

I wouldn’t worry, let someone else deal with him, you know he wasn’t your person, he can’t give what you want or need! It’s just your ego that’s bruised shel be in your position before long and by that time you’ll be over it, he won’t change because he doesn’t realise that he’s unavailable! Sounds horrible but very true, was with mine for 5yrs and it’s just mental torture for the secure person, you’re amazing as you are and at only 3mths he’s found another girl he’s not worth your tears, keep strong 💪 the right person will see your worth without you even knowing it ❤️

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

I wish you all the strength to push through. Life sometimes hurts more then we ever knew it could 💔

[@kaitlin8669]

Let him have his accident somewhere else. Try praying for the new girl- he is her problem now. It doesn't sound like you were very happy in the relationship. If he moves on that easily then he isn't going to be a guy who does well when the chips are down. You want a guy who will be on your side when the chips are down. Don't settle for a fair weather men. Start to value loyalty in men and you will see how utterly undesirable he is and he fails to meet the standard. Try watching nature shows where the female reject the males who are not up to standard. It is a part of nature. Men need to be rejected when they fail. They need consequences. It isn't nice to give a medical license to a guy who failed his medical exam because he had a hurt childhood. A man who failed his exam will hurt his future patients. So then why are you doing that to him? Why are giving yourself away to a man who isn't up to standard? He will not thank you for allowing him to cheat on this test. Instead you set him up for failure by giving him a pass. Commitment is important. Let him walk and screw up some other poor woman's life.

[@blessedbee186]

He will do the same to her. Trust me. It is his MO.

[@chrissymullins1579]

It freaks me out your language on here using the words, "irrational" "logical" "fairness." He uses all of these words ALL of the time. I told him he sounded like my business partner and not a romantic partner.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's understandable how language can impact our perceptions in different contexts. If you ever need more guidance along the way please feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail]

[@freedomfisher2496]

Thank you for helping me understand myself better, I always knew I was avoindant but the problem is way worse than I expected or perhaps could admit to myself. I had many puzzle pieces but how you explain it, also with the neuro-transmitters, it just all makes sense now. And no wonder, because every ex-gf I ever told my childhood to, could only cry cry & cry. And in my head I was like: "Why are you crying? First it happened to me, and second I don't feel anything at all talking about it". People like me do care a LOT about other people, but like you said, I realise now I just want to give dopamine to everybody all the time. Even if I get back 50% less, it's totally fine by me. But I can't express emotions, at all, with anyone. Nobody has to be like this, but honestly? My experience is that NOBODY cares about the feelings of a grown man. It's not like I did not try as an adult, but every single time I got hurt or disappointed (usually both) so yeah it's definately not worth the risk... We seek what we missed during our childhood, but nobody wants to give an adult man what a child needs... Pretty messed up how other people / the world emotionally destroys little kids for life... I saw like 3-4 videos of you in the past, guess I'm gonna binge watch you for the next few weeks. Not only for dopamine hits lol!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your experience, I'm so glad to hear that you're finding my content helpful and that it resonates. Feedback like yours means a lot to me and I'm so grateful to have you here. Keep doing the work and please know that I'm here for you whenever you need that extra push!

[@Adriana.Gabriela]

There are women who honestly care. We just sometimes don't know what to do, and then try in all the wrong ways because nobody told us directly what to do. (Well, Adam definitely helps a lot here, I just wish I had seen it earlier)

[@donnaritch6200]

You are so right. I have been dealing with an emotionally avoidant man for the last 15 years and it finally ended. He ended it because he felt that I was putting too many demands on him. Well, what the hell? after 15 years I wanted to know where this was going, and I guess he didn't like it, so we're done. It was so difficult being involved with a man like that because you never know where you stand and he runs away constantly. I guess I need something more stable. It hurts because I love him.

[@teresaadams7368]

Met him 50 years ago. I got married. He married two years later. We reconnect 45 years later; talk on phone for a year, date weekly for a year, become exclusive. His previous cancer has returned. Four months later we’re having communication issues. He won’t talk about “us”. He breaks up suddenly, comes back in a few months, but wants to take it slow. Three months later he leaves again. It has been two years with very little communication, mostly from my side. Loved this man deeply. He loved me too. I still love him. What to do….

[@saharalove418]

My heart goes out to u.. :( the pattern is something I'm familiar with too. The one of feeling so close to someone only to have them pull away abruptly, time and time again is traumatic.. Like "maybe this time it'll be ok!" And eventually you start walking on eggshells because u don't want to trigger them to run away again all while desperately trying to get back to the place of love and warmth they made u feel before..

[@arankagionetti2098]

Leave!!! Is your best bet!

[@sshuteandrew]

Dating weekly isn’t a committed relationship- he’ll always keep you at arm’s length in a casual relationship, at best. If you desire more- leave. Nothing will change. He isn’t your person. He won’t give you more. In the meantime, you’re missing out on finding your true partner. Get help and therapy, if needed to heal and be strong. Whatever it takes, leave.

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

I completely understand. It's very hard to dismiss deep feelings for someone especially when you learn about those attachment styles and realise that they might very much love you even tho they keep pulling away. It keeps you stuck constantly waiting. It's such a difficult position to be in ❤

[@Seraphina93]

@@sshuteandrewlook at their age bby, above 50-60 the rules differ..

[@dylancag977]

Oh man, Adam, I just could not understand why I was so hung up on my ex. I mean sure the love bombing! But now.. now thanks to you I understand what was running the show. I am pretty sure I have a mixed disorganized attachment style. Can you please do more videos on this. In the meantime thank you. Your insights into how integral secure attachments and bonding with others is to our health and wellness has forever changed the course of my life. Such great work! Bless you!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm happy to hear you're finding my content helpful and that it's resonating! I will make sure to keep your suggestion in mind for upcoming content, thank you for that and for your amazing feedback.

[@simrpreet7592]

These are some deep facts...we are alwyz on survival mode.....alwyz

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for watching! It's true.

[@jeffreymailly9822]

Adam - I'm starting to wonder if even my memories have been tainted by the neuro chemicals and hormones in my body. I'm definitely avoidant. But I notice the people in my life who are not avoidant have WAY better recall of past events involving other people and remember them in much richer detail. I can't even remember the birth of my children. Most of those details are gone. Curious of the low oxytocin and serotonin might have something to do with it. I find this is another area that really prevents me from bonding with other people in my life. I can remember a lot of things. But memories with other people are often the ones that were stressful or traumatic. I get a bad wrap as somebody that "only remembers that bad things" but it's not a lack of desire or effort and I'm not doing it deliberately. It's just something else I noticed as another piece of this puzzle. It kills me that I feel so cut off and disconnected from reliving the good shared experiences I've been through with other people. I really wish I could.

[@jayneelena4469]

This was all relevant, thank you. What I told him recently was I needed for his life to make sense, because it did not even after years. I knew that he did not react well to intimate conversation and they were so hard I stopped. I’m not anxiously attached and haven’t pushed to have my needs met, but now’s the time. I want more than being “the best of all the awful people in the world.”

[@rainingpatchouli4476]

Amazing details and I understand him better

[@yknowwhatcrys4791]

I really enjoyed this video, thank you! 😊

[@user-dk2ik7rt4f]

This is so good. ❤THANK YOU ADAM!❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad you enjoyed it! ❤❤

[@confidenceblesson]

Thank you Adam...this video was timely 😊

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're welcome! I'm glad to hear that. 🙂

[@daveo9844]

Adam, I cannot thank you enough 🙏 Your intelligent explanation / insight into these matters is life changing for me. I look forward to exploring potential solutions with my partner of 9 years 😊

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your kind words, Dave! Wishing you and your partner all the best, and if you ever need more guidance in finding solutions please feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail] 🙏🙂

[@couragefox]

Taurine is a GABA-a agonist and as an avoidant type i found it helped I dodnt become aboidant through childhood. It is all rooted in a year long hell when i was 24 and was bullied at work badly and gaslighted by two people outside of work. Ive had frustrating talks with dogmatic freudian therapists sayong i had repressed childhood memories but my childhood was blissful and perfect.

[@sugar4973]

I stopped pushing and moved three hours away. When I say ‘pushing’ I mean trying to talk to him and get him to open up. He still has a platonic ex gf in his life and I didn’t know that until 9 months into our relationship. That hit hard but I trusted him that he was truthful. It seems to me that she is his security blanket. I Love him very much but not willing to sacrifice myself ( he hasn’t asked me to do that btw) but could never be able to live that way. I am trust worthy and loving. And not willing to keep hurting myself. I pray things hit home and he will work on himself for himself. I went to counseling on my own 9 months before the second breakup and i am now leaning more towards secure.

[@Seraphina93]

Trust me mine does too, she’s just a friend because she saw this hell w him already.

[@asilsdaydream3749]

This makes so much sense.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's great to hear that this content helped you find clarity. What stood out the most to you?

[@asilsdaydream3749]

@@AttachmentAdam why he retreated instead of working together to solve problems, how I didn’t help with my hybrid anxious/avoidant attachment, how I was just a dopamine cycle and a pit stop between exes and side chicks. That part hurt bc I suspected it but he never would admit to it.

[@poileen]

U r amazing, I respect a lot your work. Thanks for helping us understanding

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot to me to hear that my work is helping.

[@lynettejohnson9051]

Thank you for all your info... its helpful for my relationship with my favorite person ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for watching and I'm thrilled to hear that it was helpful. ❤

[@chantalvloo8207]

Adam, every word you say is spot on. Aswell about him as about me. SUCH A PITTY I didn´t hear you before. I lost my whole life( 66 now, met him at 22!) We NEVER had an official relationship..When we met I fell hopelessly in love..for many years.. Over time he came back 4 times. This last one was very hard.. I suffered a lot and still am.. It´s over.. he just didn´t tell me it was but was treating me really bad. He had 2 children with someone else.. To long story.. Me too have avoident symptomes AND anxious.. Feels like my life is over..

[@Liza-Loves-You]

It is not. Maybe start listening to Abraham Hicks ❤

[@kaylakayla7341]

I appreciate your knowledge and sharing it. I would love to see a video on how to fix these things. Almost all the videos online speak about the problems but they don’t give a solution.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for your feedback! You can find many videos on my channel offering practical advice and solutions. I'll certainly consider making more of those.

[@ralucamera6574]

Thank you for this video, maybe one day you are going to give us more insight in manipulative behaviour from that small part of avoidant people. ❤️

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you found it helpful! I'll definitely consider that for future videos.❤

[@thefella225]

I actually would like to know more about this too. I’m 100% an avoidant and your channel has been brutally eye opening. I really hope I don’t fall into that small percent of avoidants but I fear that I may 😞

[@ma.elizavillarino6225]

This is a very informative video. I try to learn as much as I can about DA men so I know how to best vet my next partner.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds wonderful and I'm glad you found it helpful!

[@lizspencer199]

Hey Adam, Do you have a video on deciphering between ethical and non-ethical avoidants?

[@cynthiadesimone1668]

My avoidant is 68 and I'm 63. My avoidant left at EXACTLY the 7th month in our relationship. He promised the moon to me in a life together. We planned getting married, building a house, and him moving to my state. Out of the blue he FLIPPED on me for good (had flipping episodes throughout the 7 months), but he then told me he has no peace so he can't continue to hurt me and he ended the relationship. He texted and emailed me this. His text ended with "if you ever want to talk I'm always here. Love, (his name). He told me his wife (who is deceased now) told him that he's the most selfish man she'd ever met". He protects his freedoms fiercely. His motorcycle, sailboat etc. We're no contact 7 months now actually. I wish it would've worked out.💔

[@edithamaliaioo2228]

Hello Adam, again a brilliant video about avoidant man, thank you ! I dare to say I am ex-anxious woman :))) but I worked a lot on myself to become more secure and I think I am pretty close now, i know my triggers and I am able to self soothe and not overwhelm others with my feelings. Your video is very helpful for me, because I was wondering about how can I reach out to avoidant mind so he can hear what I have to say (personally I deal with a lot of avoidant men) , so logic and discernment goes very well, I thought this should be the right way, I just needed a reassurance that I'm seeing this right and your video was just what i was looking for, keep them coming , thank you again :)

[@saharalove418]

I love thisssss!! Goals! As an anxious woman trying to achieve what you have, can I ask, what's helped you self soothe? I know my triggers and can usually catch myself before I hit a point of emotional disregulation but find it hard to self soothe in the moments I cross that threshold.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you found the video helpful! Keep up the great work on your personal growth, and if you ever need some extra guidance please feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail] 🙏😊

[@tycerxyz7534]

My husband and I developed a very close bond and best friendship. He had said he had never had such a peaceful relationship but struggled with feelings of being bored. He then said he had to be polyarmorous. He found an equally avoidant person and it has destroyed our marriage. Now he says he loves me but isn’t in love but has no plans for a divorce or to leave.

[@Heavenlysky89]

Dump him

[@bpcuaie]

Well this was revealing. I'm the avoidant ex and she has anxious attachment. I felt exactly how you described it in the last few months of relationship. I have other things to work through and am in therapy for it at the moment but again, this was eye opening.

[@brentsmith5604]

It's not a risk if you arent attached to winning. That's why we can enjoy risks... It's exciting like quickly touching a stove. Secure people might see it as being risky.... But the sad reality is that we are so numb to meaning that it isn't a horrible concept to lose. What are we losing? People are untrustworthy and life is unfulfilling. We are just here to make it less painful to endure.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You bring up an interesting point about risk and attachment. How and where do you find meaning and fulfillment in your own life?

[@brentsmith5604]

@@AttachmentAdam I'm pretty sure I picked the wrong era to find actual fulfillment as a male.... Best I can hope for is to keep the constant attacks at bay while I find enjoyment in the little things that don't require the approval of those who get social benefit by disapproving of me. Like you say, those of us with constantly high cortisol levels don't know what it feels like to actually feel cared about. That extends to fulfillment also. I don't know what it feels like to have or crave fulfillment. I only know what it feels like to need to pass the time in as pleasant a manner as possible. In fact, when others crave fulfillment, I see that as a risk because I don't trust them having principles while they fulfill those "needs.". It's just leverage to explain why/when things "need" to not be fair to me. But the risk portion is a significant part of it. If I win, then I pretty much get paid to get dopamine. If I don't, then I'm just buying dopamine for above market price. Blackjack at Vegas casinos is a pretty damn good example of what I do to seek the closest thing to fulfillment I still have receptors for.

[@MrTrollbaby]

Everything i suspected about myself and the chemicals im feeding myself. I've tried to talk to people I've grown with but my thinking seems too surreal to be true to them 😅. This is validating. Thanks man

[@AttachmentAdam]

Good stuff, thanks for sharing. I'm glad you found this helpful!

[@clairefoxall2313]

Your Voice has returned then 🤪👍 I dated a guy that was in my year at school. We’re both in 50’s now. We dated for 3-5months then he kind of disappeared. He then got bk in touch but I was dating someone else. Then he got in touch again we dated/lived together for few months then it went cold again as he found out he had mouth cancer but we’ve kept in touch as friends 💁‍♀️.

[@pure-pisces9980]

OMFG!! Spot on 🙏🙏

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm thrilled to hear that it resonated with you! 🙏

[@Redisdowntoearth]

Looking good Adam

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks! Appreciate the compliment.

[@jenniferjamison-lq9vn]

This was my favorite video. However, I don’t think I’m anxiously attached. I’ve been dating, but I definitely haven’t come across the chemistry I had with my avoidant ex. It’s been 2 years and it still sucks that I know we went amiss. A misunderstanding! I’ve sent him some of your videos. No reply. I think “secure” was even scary to this avoidant. He recognized that I had self-awareness and the ability to love in a way that he didn’t, and he didn’t know why..it’s sad! I didn’t know why he lost interest either, but now I do thanks to you! Can you call him? 😂😂😂- JK Keep up the good work! Maybe he’ll see you on tv :)

[@ireneirene5476]

Thank you for sharing all this precious knowledge.. But I will be opting for men with secure attachment style from now on 🙃 I will probably never be able to suppress, rationalize and discipline my emotional feminine nature... This experience with an AD however brought me to a huge realization that we are being attracted to each other to be able to fully resolve our childhood traumas, since they also have an impact on other spheres of our life, not only partnership. And fully resolving childhood trauma is not possible in a relationship with a secure attachment style. I've had relationships with secure attachment styles and I suspected I got some serious core wounds but kinda always postponed the healing because everything was just fine 🤷 and also kind of a bit boring 🤔. Now I know I am FA and this explains so much to me why I am anxious in general and my self esteem could've been higher. So it's all about realizing my self worth and about life purpose too, for me as FA. And for DA I can't even imagine what they are going through if they are really attracted to me 🙈 Definitely a life changing experience for me. Not sure if for my DA too, since we're not talking 😅

[@grabbelton]

Isn't there medication they can take ?? To counter the lack of serotonin etc? Or food, for gabba etc?? I would love to know .

[@adriennemoorebaxter993]

Thanks!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I appreciate you!

[@Seraphina93]

Could u do videos on recovery? After a break-up/ during no contact? How not to beat yourself up for your mistakes etc etc?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Great suggestion. I will keep this mind for upcoming content, thank you.

[@Bubbletea_01]

😢yes! I am such kind of women really feel avoidant guy more attractive than others. And myself is kind of avoidant women too

[@beanl]

We've been broken up for a few months, pretty sure he still loves me but is actually afraid of me somehow. I got pretty anxious by the end of our relationship but I wasn't always, I handled his avoidance and dismissiveness pretty well from the beginning. But I have to work in another country for a few months a year and I think without being able to feel his love (he's more acts of service than words of affirmation) made me very insecure and I let it spill out onto us. (The break up at the time was mutual, but I asked if he wanted to get back together a month later and he said no, bc he was so happy with his freedom again, so now it's not mutual) Now that I'm more aware of attachment styles and have been doing CBT I feel silly about all my irrational fears during our relationship. Now I'm afraid he'll never allow himself to be in a relationship anymore even though I'm pretty sure he still has strong feelings for me..

[@Seraphina93]

Reach out Tell him that „Hey person I’m back in town wanna grab a coffee? I’ve been thinking about u a lot and I care about u“ etc if they respond say sorry then

[@stilpon5378]

Hello, thank you for this video. I think my ex has an avoidant attachment. He and I broke up by mutual agreement in November 2023 after exactly a year. It was a very rational break-up, with no drama: simple and effective. Since then, I've received 2-3 messages from him saying things like "How are you?" or "I'm on holiday here, I hope you're well". I've always replied politely but briefly because I don't really understand what he's getting at? It's been 2 months since I received anything from him now. Was this a way for him to show his interest in me after the break-up? "I'm waiting" for a more significant message/sign from him before I really commit myself again. If it ever comes. I'm not interested in situationship or breadcrumbs anymore. Thanks

[@lisakaler4121]

This description also sounds like a narcissist. To clear things up, will you do a video on what the main differences are between the two types? Because they sound very similar.

[@Seraphina93]

There are none

[@ashton1952]

Depends what type of avoidant you're talking about, dismissive avoidants are the least likely to be narcissistic because they do not depend on other people for emotional supply (attention, validation, etc.) or money and other stuff. They don't like to be beholden. Narcs have a big need for attention, even negative will do. Fearful avoidants and anxious attachers are the insecure att styles that narcs are more likely to have, the former causes loud fights and everything is your fault, anxious ones will control your life and stalk you. Most narcs are totally charming at the beginning but you'll note the selfishness and manipulation (making you feel bad/guilty). Then they isolate you from any support/friends, create jealousy and love triangles, tell you you're crazy, isolate you, invalidate you (regardless of their attachment style) and drop you like a hot cake if they find a new source of supply. They are not sincere and have zero empathy. It's w a y more intense than simply a relationship with someone who has attachment challenges who's trying to avoid being let down, hurt or controlled.

[@ashton1952]

@@Seraphina93 no, that's a misunderstanding.

[@juliafisher5844]

Adam thank you 😊 this video is really helpful. I used to be an anxious partner but have now learnt how to bring the love for myself in and am really secure in who I am. My ex who I beleive is Avoidant has been reaching out. We very much enjoyed the same pursuits and humour and I miss him . He did have a real soft side but didn't get that I was upset the relationship wasn't progressing. He would say he's definitely going to progress things but nothing ever changed. He admitted afterwards that he felt under tremendous pressure. I thought he was autistic as he doesnt like change and very much likes control ... he didn't understand when I was upset he just didnt get it. An overthinker for sure. Now he realises he needs me. Do you often get a confusion over whether someone's autistic or avoidant?

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's great to hear that you've found security in yourself and learned to love yourself. I would love to discuss this further to understand the situation better and be able to offer you the best answers and solutions. Feel free to reach out to me through [e-mail] so we can talk about this in private and in more details.

[@ViagensGringa]

+1 autistic vs avoidant?!

[@nannyboo9832]

wow this was such an educational video… unfortunately my severe avoidant partner sounds like the manipulative one lol. He has severe trust issues and it’s been so hard

[@Seraphina93]

Any progress?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Dealing with severe trust issues can be incredibly challenging. Have you found any helpful strategies in navigating your relationship?

[@MM-pb8ik]

I am so fascinated what my partner is avoidant when he had the most amazing parents who loved each other. He recently lost his dad and he had already lost his mom two years ago. His sisters are amazing. I’m soooooo curious HOW he became avoidant bc I can’t seem to pin point anywhere in his childhood where it could have started.

[@GracieGraceTheDog]

This was amazing to find I now understand Just been saying one For two months and we are no longer connected. Had an issue and I didn’t know how to work it out with him. I left door open but he is not walking thru saying I will be there if you want to see me but he is not .Your videos really describes him and how I was interpreting things just the way you explain. I know I should not chase him or contact him again as it seems it could make it worse so it’s a crap shoot I suppose if ever hearing from him again. It was a great relationship just getting built ….but I can’t do it all. Right ?

[@bigol9223]

If he's like me he probably just considers you done with him and is just gonna let you do whatever you choose to do. He's not going to look desperate trying to win your love and force you to want to be with him. I don't know either of you though, not trying to presume.

[@glsn3825]

Hi Adam, what about no contact?

[@tamaragarcia1038]

Hello Adam , i was told by my Therapist that i have an Anxious Attachment and my ex is an Avoidant Man / Alcoholic. Everything you said in your video makes sense now . But also left me in tears because from my end of this situationship i was so emotional , needy , clingy and i cornered him alot. I didn't try hard enough from my end to see hos point of view or hear him out more. Its been a month now since we broke up . Yes , i miss him terribly and I love him but i also regret loosing his trust. I didn't cheat on him but i did have a big mouth and talkes about his his personal business. If he does come back , how can i make him trust me again and make this work out for the better between him and I ?

[@SarahLaPorte]

Can an avoidant be married for 29 years? He pulled away sexually pretty early on. Extremely conflict avoidant. I never had deep conversations with him. But he was good to me and I accepted the lack of intimacy both sexual and emotional. I was committed and loving. Then, he had classic MLC symptoms, left me for another woman, is living a very NON vanilla lifestyle and drinking and spending tons of money on trips, etc. Your videos explain so much….but how did he last 29 years?

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's possible for an avoidant individual to stay in a marriage for a long time. Stability and routine can keep them in the relationship, even with a lack of intimacy, but midlife crises can trigger drastic changes, leading to unexpected behavior. Feel free to reach me through [e-mail] so we can discuss this in more detail.

[@user-wz7is4os9c]

What does it mean when he told me hugs are free when I asked him for a hug? I think he fits the fearful avoidant…

[@Melody9616]

"Hey I realized that I have this tendency to anxious attachement when I feel abandoned i tend to chase. I need some rational feedback and as a former partner I really could use your insight of where I could improve."

[@devonbirsky5482]

I definitely have an anxious attachment style which i am working on. My avoidant ex has told me to let him go and he doesn't want to be involved. And yet when i talk to him he responds and we spent the night together last weekend. He tells me he doesn't think he deserves to ve treated as well as i treat him. He says he doesn't understand why i care and want to still be around him. He expressed he is trying to protect himself and me from getting hurt. How do i prove that he can trust me, as i know he doesn't. I have done so much work towards becoming more secure and would really love to do things to make him understand. I truly love him and just want to help.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's truly beautiful how committed you are to doing the work on your own self and also to understanding his behavior and attachment style. I encourage you to go through the videos on my channel in a playlist titled: 'What Does Avoidant Attachment Look Like In Relationships?' and please feel free to reach out to me through [e-mail] if you would like to discuss strategies together and I'll give you personalized guidance and help.

[@RachealD28]

I’d love to see a video from you on how to interact with an avoidant ex and best ways to go about mending that relationship/reconciliation. So many people are out there advocating “no contact” and all kinds of games but for men like this I feel like it just confirms their underlying assumptions anyway. It’s hard because you want to consistently be there but so many people will say to avoid being friends and spending time together or else you’ll be friend zoned. What are your thoughts and how would you approach this?

[@kaitlin8669]

So these guys will pretty much only marry you if make quite a bit of money, and they stand to gain 50% of your assets during the divorce. That would explain why men are proposing to 30 year old women and not 18-20 year olds with no assets and college debts. It also explains why its college educated women who are getting married and not the uneducated women. So a guy will sleep with you and date you if are beautiful- but they marry you for the financial assets. I was wondering why the age of first marriage was increasing so much for women. It is to compensate for the risk of divorce and seeing the low income as a threat.

[@dvegas]

That’s actually a very interesting comment. I have an avoidant ex who I dated in my early 20’s. I was responsible and owned my own place and made decent income, and going to college. I helped him go to college and increase his income and buy his first home. After we broke up (I walked away because he refused to get married), his next girlfriend and the woman he married, was 5 years older and owned a larger home and made more income. She also trapped him with a baby…so there is that too!!

[@Seraphina93]

@@dvegasgood for him, sad for the baby.. Hope ur happy now

[@Seraphina93]

Some people are users but that’s not exclusively DA

[@dvegas]

@@Seraphina93 I'm fine. He stayed and had a family with her. I think it turned out the best for him because it forced him to make a decision. Although I wasn't going to do that.

[@hspinnovators5516]

How can we tell an Avoidant separate from autism? The guy who I think is DA is obsessive about hiking (low serotonin/escape/risk taking) but never wants to be around people or text barely once every three months .... He is constantly stressed and transactional but can't communicate with empathy so it could go either way

[@adoptioncorner1984]

My avoidant guy always says he thinks he has autism and that other people have told him that.

[@Mazda.Fit.]

Avoidant here, also extremely curious about OP’s question tbh. It’s ironic that I may not be alone

[@JustMe-ki3ce]

I’ve always wondered if my avoidant was high functioning autistic as well…

[@Seraphina93]

Eye contact U just „know“ They’re weird, often maths/ tech And they’re honest to a cruelty. My dad is autistic u can „tell“

[@Seraphina93]

@@Mazda.Fit.look at their eyes do they hold eye contact? No? Tell. Are they weird slightly creepy angry dudes? Good tell The maths/ it/ tech guy cliche is a cliche for a reason and they often have melt-downs so keep to themselves. Source: dad autistic, best friend too

[@SadieCleary]

@AdamLaneSmith I don't think my ex husband is the kind of man you are describing but he may be similar. How much does it cost to consult you? I do not want our information shared online even if it will help others because it would hurt him. Thanks

[@dvegas]

How often do these avoidant types get trapped with children? I've seen this multiple times...they will stay in a relationship while not fully committing and then the baby "accidentally" comes along. And it's a toss-up at that point; either he commits or he walks away.

[@Seraphina93]

Well that’s only 50% on them is it now

[@dvegas]

@Seraphina93 Good point. I've noticed over the years this is a more common occurrence among avoidant (possibly disorganized too) men. Compared to the secure men I know who just get married and have kids in a more traditional way. It's enough where I think there is something to it...

[@dvegas]

@Seraphina93 And even with my parents, my mom is anxious, and dad is avoidant. They were married for a short time, but my mom flushed her birth control down the sink and got pregnant with me (even after she said they agreed, no kids). So I'm a product of this behavior. After they got divorced, I hadn't seen my dad in 44 years! He and I are only connected on social media, and that's it.

[@Seraphina93]

@@dvegasconnect to ur dad as long as there was no violence towards u, be ready to be disappointed but it helped me SO much guess who also has an avoidant dad? I feel like a lottttt of anxious women „accidentally“ get pregnant to make the men stay I kept my close girlfriend from going that route while he cheated on her… Hope she’s happy now they separated

[@OlderWomenRock]

My ex would never ever think He made a mistake He isn’t afraid of being hurt . He would never think He did anything wrong He would now think He made a good decision I’m wondering why He couldn’t feel love for Me Or at least deeper feelings He knows what I thought

[@Seraphina93]

He did, in his way.

[@nohillforahighstepper]

Ya....I don't go back...ever. If I get hurt, that woman is dead to me. If I dangled my trust over the edge of the relationship cliff and it was pushed over the edge, it is too severe a risk for me to get back there. It is considerably easier to just move on. I will say that I have been married for 22 years. I have no idea why we work though. Pretty sure she is 100% the reason we work. No joke.

[@Zee-jv1nb]

What proportion of men are “securely” attached? If a good proportion are avoidant then there’s very little hope for their female partners

[@jonrazo7912]

Some things you say really resonate with me and others do not. I am not a risk taker at all. I am super risk averse. I tend to not think in terms of risk, but of control. I don't really want to control others but I deeply, deeply don't want to be controlled. And something like marriage has always to me, looked like a terrible deal for men. Male family court and divorce horror stories aren't exactly hard to find. You always describe avoidant men hesitancy towards marriage as kind of irrational, as if they view it as a risk but it is not one. Marriage is legitimately a *huge* risk in reality. Being hesitant isn't crazy. I do however definitely see myself in the brain chemical cycle that you describe. I think that explains how I've developed a crush on every girl I've never played dungeons and dragons with, including ones I am not attracted to. Killing dragons together is definitely a vasopressin bonding experience :)

[@hspinnovators5516]

Marriage isn't a risk with a healthy secure woman, it's insurance and jet fuel. Many Avoidant men will sabotage with a healthy woman though unfortunately

[@nakitanash2189]

From what I have heard of Adam's many videos on this subject, he does acknowledge that marriage is technically a risk and lists things like creating a mutual prenuptial agreement in order to reduce risk factors and strain on either party. However his approach is, teaching how you can reduce those risks, rather than denying the fact that there are risks and that many people feel that going into a marriage is risky. I suggest keeping with his videos because he is very supportive to someone in your position. As well I'm not sure if this clarification is helpful, but when Adam says avoidant men are regular risk takers, it's because they are usually ambitious and successful in life so he is speaking specifically about taking risks with investments, experiences etc. as opposed to relationships.

[@jonrazo7912]

@@nakitanash2189 Prenups are tossed out of court all the time, and bottom line, I shouldn't have to plan for failure. I don't enter relationships with one foot out the door planning for failure, and I shouldn't have to.

[@nakitanash2189]

@@jonrazo7912 Nobody does. Regardless, Adam goes into detail about why a prenup can help some avoidant men trust the situation going in. If you're interested, you can listen.

[@OlderWomenRock]

Yes exactly ! I often want to ask Him this What the hell ? It makes no sense

[@AttachmentAdam]

I see where you're coming from. It can be frustrating!

[@timothysimmons6733]

I have a questions. I have watched several of your videos. Is it possible to be both anxious and avoidant? I can relate to both sides!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Great question. Yes, it is possible. I encourage you to check the short videos on my channel for a short titled: Can You Be Anxious & Avoidant At The SAME TIME?

[@rednvocal]

Do the actions of a person cause the release of the hormones, or does the release of the hormones lead to actions and feelings?

[@MD-gk2un]

Why do I now (since learning from this video how broken his childhood was) feel so full of pity for someone who has admitted to abusing me emotionally?

[@Seraphina93]

Anyone else‘s DA post sad/ romantic songs but not text or just mine atm? It’s been 2 1/2 weeks and I didn’t break once he also doesn’t know I read the messages

[@george540]

Ive done this for a decade, Its because I connect more to the experience of suffering than to people. Whatever may afflict me, someone else has had it worse, and has come through. And they made something beautiful because of it. I wouldnt post it if it wasnt significant. I’ll die before I let someone burden themselves with that pain. But thats why I post lyrics to the abyss.

[@Seraphina93]

@@george540oh I guess that makes sense

[@leodiazandreu9311]

My ex was the avoidant manipulative type. He cheated on me and we broke up but i cant stop thinking if he could work on his attachment style maybe we could try again in some time, but you said you shouldn’t try to form a relationship with this type of avoidant. We arent speaking at the moment bc we have broken up for good and from what i know hes taking a break from dating bc he has to work on himself in order to not hurt more people. I’d love to know if you think we could try to be together again in the future or if its going to end up the same way.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. It's admirable that your ex is taking the time to work on himself. Prioritizing personal growth is crucial for both individuals before considering reconciliation. Please feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail] for guidance.

[@daughteroftheking6402]

I’m extremely bummed your one session option is $840 some people can’t afford that. I sure as heck couldn’t. That’s my rent. That’s extremely expensive!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sorry to hear that the coaching is out of your budget right now, BUT I do have an excellent solution to offer you. I dont know if you knew I was building this course over the last two months based on audience feedback about avoidant men. Here is a link to learn more and its on an early bird special right now. You can also visit Adamlanesmith.com directly to learn more. adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@renicantabille]

My avoidant ex used to communicate things with me, it just feels right when both of us being vulnerable to each other... feels like there's deep connection between both of us... but there one times when he feel overwhelmed, he cut me off , run away and discard me...not long after that, he had 'situationship' with another woman and being so cold towards me and feels like completely forgot we had good moments together... I know he has emotional baggage and traumas because of broken relationship before (divorced)... but still its kinda sad seeing him totally different than he was (becomes more cold and indifferent)... i reach him out couple of times but he just shut down...we used to be a good friend before.. but i just dont know him anymore now.. its sad but i let him go and wish him all the best..

[@pucicatme]

Is there a way to change the brain chemistry? Like with supplements? Is there a natural way to lower cortisol?

[@kerrymillar1267]

Watch his videos on vasopressin bonding

[@arminxvs3372]

You almost perfectly described my ex-girlfriend, who unfortunately turned out to be the "Queen of avoidant". 😮

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like you've had quite an experience!

[@arminxvs3372]

@@AttachmentAdam Loosing battle, dear Adam. I was too careful because I got cheated in before her so I wasn't the most secure. And I never knew there was "avoidant" as a category so I was blind to the reasons why she was like that. And also she never seemed to realize and/or accept the fact that her attachment is faulty. Thus, no willingness to work on it. After 3 "avoidant" years it came to an end on good terms. It feels like some lost potential but an experience to learn from for sure.

[@journeywithme6667]

Ethically avoidant woman here just ended a one week Situationship with a manipulative avoided man so confused right now I think he expected me to be anxiously attached, but I’m actually very avoidance but with him I lost all boundaries until our last conversation. Then I walked out blocked him and will never talk to him again.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like you made a tough but necessary decision for yourself. If you need some guidance along the way please feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail]

[@journeywithme6667]

Thank you Adam.

[@sadiqua7]

Adam, I think you could save my relationship, I just can’t do the fee, do you have a payment plan option?? I’m in no contact for almost 2 months now. I think my ex is an ethical avoidant. I just want to get to a place of understanding with him, it’s ok if we don’t reconcile. He was pushing for friendship, I tried it but I felt stuck so I told him I need to regulate as him liking my IG posts triggered me too much and I felt guilty trying to date.

[@Seraphina93]

Ignore if u like ❤ Go no contact for a week Make it so they don’t see ur social media, or u, at all Don’t delete them or anything (nothing they could see), Instead of checking: talk to a friend drink water workout journal cry. Go full radio-silence for a week. No contact no reaction. Then go for 2-3 weeks more, X

[@firefoxchibi]

Is it normal for avoidant men to APPEAR happy? As in, can you be severely avoidant and still come across outwardly as a very positive, joyful, playful person? Because my ex certainly did. He did mention a history of pretty bad anxiety though.

[@saharalove418]

So. A couple years into the situationship, the proposal to be more... official or exclusive (even though it'd fell into exclusivity already), and develop those bonds deeper is met with a response of "I'm not ready to give up the option of sleeping around with other people yet" ... And it's frustrating because I'm sitting here like "that's the dopamine chasing mentality" and what I interpreted was- he didn't want to abandon the patterns he was comfortable with to feel something (I'm assuming) he doesn't understand or doesn't thinks exists. The allure of a sustainable relationship wasn't/isn't there. Does that mean I failed at modeling secure attachments?

[@Dogscatsbikes]

Not at all

[@kaitlin8669]

No he is a bad person. They need loneliness and pain and suffering to change. Let him be the protical son who had to sleep with swine and starve. The disloyal should not have loyalty until they are ready to change. This guys is manipulating you and laughing about it. Increase your standards.

[@saharalove418]

@kaitlin8669 there is a lot more to to him than this specific picture I've painted. I've been in controlling and manipulative relationships and he doesn't fit the description. There's a lot of compassion, generosity, and empathy he regularly exhibits too which has caused him to be manipulated and used by several exes and friends he's had/has close to him. He self reflects and does have an open mind when I'm talking about attachment but doesn't see the importance or practicality of developing secure attachments. He said to me once "I'm just not into this stuff like u are" and I'm here thinking "how could you not be?!" But it wasn't until Adam's recent live stream where he used the analogy of "seashells," that it clicked. He doesn't understand why seashells are so great

[@sshuteandrew]

It doesn’t mean you failed at anything. It is not your job and it is not possible for you to rewire someone else’s brain that was established in birth to three years old. If this person fears relationships, commitments, and vulnerability, like every other avoidant, there is nothing you can say or do to change his mind and to make him see value and safety in intimate relationships. The only thing you can do is recognize you need to find a partner who is able to give and receive love. Avoiants are incapable of giving and receiving love because they believe that they are incapable. Their limiting beliefs, doubts, and negative self talk will cause them to live a lonely and miserable existence. Don’t join him in that existence. Get the healing you need, move on and find a partner who is able to show up for you and love you the way you deserve. No, this was not your fault. I spent 6 years on a severe dismissive avoidant, and I wish I had left at our first break up six months in. He told me if I could not make him happy then no one would make him happy and he would live the rest of his life alone. Mot even a year after we stopped talking he was with his ex before me, from eight years ago. They will continue to repeat the cycle, don’t let him repeat it with you. Learn, heal, do better. Best of luck ❤

[@sshuteandrew]

Also, don’t give avoidant an excuse to treat you poorly just because you are educated about them. I made the mistake of being much too kind and gracious to my dismissive, avoiding ex because I realized he had defense mechanisms and fears in relationships. At the end of the day, no matter the reason a person treats us the way they do, all that matters is they are incapable of giving us the love we deserve. The fact he told you that he doesn’t want to “give up his option of sleeping around” is enough to be done with him, no matter his attachment style. That would be a hard stop for me. My avoidant never said that and we were exclusively together the entire 6 years. I still wish I had left sooner.

[@bpawlosgobezie9082]

Ahh.....so many truths here. Dankeschön. Mine was a 1 year long, very detached experience with an avoidant. Very traumatized past. 1st couple of dates were bizarre...with him being extremely vulnerable, talking about his past. Crying. I have never met anything like him. I wanted to help, to mend and save. Pffff. A year on, caught him cheating. Denied. Huge blowout. And now blocked. Laaawd.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your experience. It seems like it was a tough and confusing year. I'm here if you need any help or support.

[@camig8536]

Is it possible to have both be avoidant attachment style?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yes, it's entirely possible for both partners in a relationship to have an avoidant attachment style!

[@sifublack192]

My tests have labeled me secure except one that labeled me as avoidant. One thing I've always questioned is the women in my life from friends, to FWBs, and serious relationships always tell me they don't know anything about me despite me telling them everything. Then when I ask them what they want to know, they can never tell me. Luckily they don't typically dwell on it, but it never made sense to me.

[@nakitanash2189]

I think for my women's perspective when they feel they don't know anything about you, it's because they don't know what you're feeling inside. You can give someone a lot of information, but to a woman, information isn't truly the knowledge they are seeking in order to connect with you.

[@sifublack192]

@@hspinnovators5516 what I hear the most is, "I can't read you" or "I never know what you're feeling" and my personal favorite, "you never open up." Then they can never explain anything beyond that.

[@sifublack192]

@@nakitanash2189 well that would explain the "you never open up" thing they often say if nothing else. Either way, I just change the subject and eventually the issue fades away.

[@hspinnovators5516]

@@sifublack192 do you mostly just talk about material or external topics? Or do you share ideas, thoughts etc? Maybe she thinks the convo is too shallow or without meaning? Do you have any curiousity towards her?

[@sifublack192]

@@hspinnovators5516 honestly, it's unclear what's considered "surface" or "external" topics these days. I typically talk about all of the above and some people say it's "shallow" while others say it's deep. It's one of the reasons I leave all the stuff about commitment, emotional connection, etc on the woman. It seems different depending on who you talk to.

[@SK-qz6uv]

Do you think men become Avoidant due to lack of compatibility?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Attachment styles are formed in early childhood. Have you had experience with someone becoming more avoidant due to compatibility issues?

[@sheyshey85]

How can I tell the difference between a man who is avoidant and a man who just want to keep me in a situationship?

[@bigol9223]

If you leave, the situationship guy will probably try to reel you back in, and the avoidant will probably just let you do you. No loss for you either way.

[@davinathedivine]

My ex situationship We were having a drink at my favorite bar, mind you we went there together. He decided he would rather talk & flirt with whom ever he wanted then the second he sees me talking to another guy he lost it & literally/physically threw me out of his truck! I would really like to know if he was mad I was talking to that other guy or if he just seen a female that he would rather take home then myself. If that was the case that’s all he has to say. We would have been able to save our friendship then. Any thoughts or advice?

[@davinathedivine]

I forgot to mention I NEVER said a word to him about him talking or flirting with any other females!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for sharing your experience. It seems like his behavior is very confusing and rapid. I encourage you to email me at [e-mail] so we can discuss this privately and in more detail.

[@georgannkingsland767]

He said he never loved me never will .

[@georgannkingsland767]

Yes I got my closure ty.

[@Rb79_85]

What’s the best approach to reconciling with these men? Mine freaked out and left me in the middle of us buying property and starting a family (all initiated by him!) I’m so confused

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're right, that sounds confusing. There are certain things that can trigger an avoidant's flight response. I encourage you to email me at [e-mail] so we can get to the root cause of this together and discuss how to more forward in a way that ensures this doesn't happen again.

[@LindseyGarcia0918]

It's funny because he's not my ex. We are still together but I wonder this all the time. What is he thinking? I almost asked him today. I love these videos that give us insight into what's going on with them. It indeed is painful to be on the other side. But I take pride in knowing that he chose me and fairly quickly. I guess I'm just the best of all the confused ones 😆 😆 😆

[@OlderWomenRock]

Maybe me ex boyfriend isn’t an avoidant Even though He does and says many of the usual things He is very social He likes conversation as long as it not about emotions or very few He is Happy , relaxed , a chilled Guy or He is being super active achieving goals My expectations drove Him away not that I pushed or asked for much He agreed to commitment twice , actually 3 times And gradually pulled away When I wanted Him to put time aside to visit Me He wanted everything on His terms

[@Seraphina93]

Well that is pretty controlling where do u factor in in a two-people relationship?

[@amandamorrison5777]

Can this also apply to women who are avoidant? The same brain chemicals?

[@ashton1952]

Idk too much about brain chemicals, but the feeling of no-one going to be there for one, yes, and if he wants to provide for me questioning if it's in order to try control me with that or what. Takes time to trust.

[@psyborg3182]

What about an avoidant female?