AVOIDANT MEN - How to respond with HEALTHY boundaries against avoidant manipulation tactics

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[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@jencrews]

The distinction around ultimatums is life-changing for me. I wish I knew this 25 years ago! Also , you have such a great way of making it clear how to operate differently with a more healthy attachment style that I’m actually looking forward to having a conversation about my main goal with my boyfriend. I feel excited to practice and get better at advocating for myself and doing it in a way that’s very matter-of-fact, kind and secure.

[@JenGrice]

Thank you for this!! Yes, as a secure person, I want a sustainable relationship with healthy boundaries with all the people in my life. The avoidant men in my life, just can’t speak their boundaries or most times seem like people pleasers. It’s frustrating and hard to have a healthy relationship with them. I have to remind my adult son all the time, to speak up and say something, I can’t read anyone’s mind. Other than that my son and I have a very close relationship; that’s because I’ve had to prove to him over many years that I’m on his team, only want what is best for him, and it’s okay to rely on me. I’m not going anywhere.

[@mattgoodmangoodmanlawnmowi2454]

I was lucky to be born very smart, decent looks, and enough “hidden charm” to have a chance with just about any woman. I learned to handle myself in the street. I have always stood up for what I believe in. I literally fear no one. Or so I thought. Only late in life did I learn that the more I was loved the more I feared being crushed. So at least I have met, and am conquering, my “enemy within “. I have been fortunate. But I have sabotaged the best relationships rather than facing the inevitable issues. None would have been insurmountable in several good relationships. I will never get over that flaw in me. But I am no longer blind. So I keep on working to grow. Your presentation is a good direction for me to grow if I get another chance. Only then will I truly be free.

[@veronikavanquish]

Love your humility! Especially coupled with all your assets. All the best- you've got this! After you consistently commit to the How's 😊

[@Elle-om4dk]

The problem is for most of these ‘avoidants’ they have very serious underlying personality disorders. And this cannot be healed by the partner only with their acknowledgment and then participation towards a solution. It can’t be solved with a few choice words or simple actions. Typically they need long term therapy.

[@AttachmentAdam]

The ultimate goal is for both partners to do the work and find a place where both feel connected, fulfilled, safe, and appreciated. In your experience, have you dealt with avoidants who had personality disorders?

[@Elle-om4dk]

@@AttachmentAdam I believe the underlying reason the person is avoidant needs to be addressed. Or you are building on shaky ground.The avoidant I am dating is going to therapy or I will not see him again.

[@oambitiousone7100]

Interesting that to be “in love with” is when the oxytocin takes over - not when the dopamine flows like wine and it FEELS most potent. Cortisol blocks oxytocin. If he lowers cortisol and gets reassurance enough…What does oxytocin feel like for an avoidant?

[@nannyboo9832]

I feel like i have vulnerable convos with my DA but lack the actionable things after. Almost like he is super understanding in the moment but gets consumed with outside stressors and just… forgets about it… :(

[@Grungeflutter]

That is exactly my situation. I feel for us both. ❤

[@zhengzhang2057]

Avoidant will immediately shut down and cut off if the partner talks like that

[@AttachmentAdam]

Has that been your personal experience?

[@JasonSmith-vw9we]

10:59 should have had this video before I got married…that part about not caring about your boundaries or respecting you…never too old to learn new things I guess.

[@HEYEMMY8]

My DA bf would delay conversations about boundaries. It really seemed like he was utterly incapable of addressing issues regardless of how I phrased things. It forced me to walk away. He didn’t seem to care about that either. Yet 2 days ago would not shut up about how much he loves me.

[@amandas1356]

I get it. Acting like I NEVER even said a word about the boundaries. I’m glad you realize it now. I’m dealing with it 10 years later still bc of coparenting’

[@tashallecholch5587]

Thank you, especially for articulating ways to set a boundary

[@truthseekursty]

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do a video on avoiding a love bombing avoidant.

[@zhengzhang2057]

Avoidant will immediately shut down and cut off if the partner talks like that. I experienced 7-month “happy” period.

[@AttachmentAdam]

7 months is the typical deadline for avoidant relationships, unfortunately, if they do not address their patterns and understand their avoidant behaviors. Did your relationship end when you brought up healthy boundaries?

[@TheBestOfLisaRenee]

❤ I need this!!! ❤

[@dtejada4209]

Haven’t even listened to this video, and I’m already sold. Harmful and hurtful for sure. Looking forward to learning from you today! Adam, I could be getting this wrong, but I recall you saying in a video that you haven’t seen a connection between avoidant attachment style and ADHD. I think my partner displays many characteristics of both, so even planning a weekly meeting, if we had a structure, would be nearly impossible. Even having a conversation during which he hadn’t become distracting or distracted, has not attainable. At times, the distracting behaviors or conversation detours, seem like a manipulation tactic. Do you have any thoughts on this? Thank you, Adam!!❤

[@juliel8124]

In the same boat, husband has diagnosed adhd, sometimes feels like he uses this as an excuse when being avoidant. For example, ´not seeing or forgetting’ about a text I send about something he wants to avoid answering but then never missing a text about our kids’ schedules/pick ups. I already know in advance which texts won’t get a reply and which ones will.

[@tufftgr]

That’s is a good question , hopefully Adam touches on this

[@dtejada4209]

@@juliel8124 I'm sorry that this has been your experience. It sounds frustrating and challenging. I'd imagine that the "forgetfulness" and "distracting behaviors" might be unconscious coping mechanism and part of the ADHD. Where I find myself feeling like crazy person is when I can't distinguish between the real symptoms and the manipulation. I hope you're able to work through this, Julie.

[@dtejada4209]

@@tufftgr I hope so too!

[@TheBestOfLisaRenee]

I believe ADHD is actually from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Trauma.

[@OlderWomenRock]

I constantly checked with 2 male friends to see if my thinking was fair and justified . I used a online relationship groups as well

[@CuddleClaw.]

I have a DA friend whom I used to “date.” I care about him and his well-being. And I know he cares about me too. However, I had to let go in that capacity. I have a boyfriend now and I’ve made boundaries with my DA friend that I won’t hang out with him in person and also I set boundaries when he tries to talk about certain topics, because I want to respect my boyfriend and our relationship. And my DA friend has been trying to push my boundaries. And every time he does that, all it does is cause me to distance myself more from him. It kinda feels like he’s behaving child-like. I’ve pointed him in the direction to get some real help. I hope that he will follow through with it.

[@AnakEssential]

I’ve listened to a few videos so far and I’m wondering if adhd correlated to avoidant ? My bf seems to be avoidant and he experiences adhd.

[@OlderWomenRock]

Yes He manipulated . I wished I had watched this video some time ago I expressed my hurt many times . I tried to inform Him of my boundaries . At first He would partially listen and try to change Then after a while no matter how I tried to be tactful He dismissed my hurt , He justified His actions , became defensive , used gaslighting . Anything but take responsibility and validate my hurt I rarely received an apology . I did at first My ex strongly disliked talking about emotions and issues He became arrogant and dismissive He more or less was saying My way or the highway He stopped caring about My feelings not that He did a lot

[@888daisy888]

Adam, I tried saying I wanted a fair solution for us both and he responded with, "there is no such thing as fair".

[@AttachmentAdam]

That sounds like a pretty huge red flag, to be honest. How long have you two been together?

[@888daisy888]

@AttachmentAdam very close friends for 30 years. Things moved into a different territory summer of 2023.

[@DalyGrace77]

🙏❤️

[@AttachmentAdam]

🙏❤️

[@chefbperez]

My avoidant ex can definitely engage in gas lighting tendencies. Still on the fence if he is manipulating or if it's not that severe. And we are never around other people.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like you're still in contact with your ex and you're in a somewhat overwhelming situation. If you need help with decoding his behavior, feel free to reach out to me through [e-mail] - I'd be happy to help.

[@cjthefox]

Hoooo boi wish I had the guts/skills to use this sooner on a very manipulative person any tips for someone who more threatens and has ransom power rather than manipulation?

[@grabbelton]

Wow, dan moet zorgen dat nu echt heel sterk in mijn schoenen kom te staan hey.. Omg, en ik heb net pas geleerd hoe het voelt om een grens te hebben en ook aan te houden voor mezelf 😅. Echt heel erg bedankt voor al je inzichten... Er is namelijk kans dat we beiden verder willen maar geen idee hoe.. ik kan mijn grenzen pas sinds kort aangeven ( 1 grens dan toch) en begint net te leren dat zijn muur niet super hoog hoeft te zijn ... Misschien dat ik hiermee ons een kans kan geven want hoe het was , zonder duidelijke afspraken, werkt het ècht niet en wil ik/ willen we , nooit meer... Nou, duim voor ons??? (We houden van elkaar maar het werkte niet, nu hebben we misschien een kans. )

[@tufftgr]

I am not sure if my partner is avoidant, he seems more secure but i am the one that is anxious... what are some of the signs that he may show avoidant attachment?

[@desertbluesplaylist7550]

Easy...Google. Or watch more videos

[@gregvanpaassen]

If you are anxious, I suggest working on that first. Anxious people tend to externalise their issues, blame others for them.

[@tufftgr]

@@gregvanpaassen definitely have been for last 2 years , thanks.

[@mariespi96]

Could you slow down and speak up louder when you’re reading viewers questions or comments. I can’t understand you sometimes. I can’t understand the question or issue when you’re speaking quickly under your breath. That’s my 2 cents…

[@lorinarmer4891]

Does all this apply to avoidant women?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I have a video specifically for /about avoidant women. Feel free to check it out and let me know if anything stands out.

[@liquidlifeconsulting]

When reading comments in a Q&A could you please read the questions more clearly so we can hear them. You often mumble or rush through them and it’s hard to hear the advice you give without meaningful context.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hi there - The chat should be showing up on the side in the replay, can you read the questions there?

[@whitneyweberpatterson7515]

Hi there. I didn’t post this, but I have the same request. I’m watching the playback on my phone and I don’t see any chat popping up. Also, I am often listening while doing other things, more like a podcast, so reading the questions clearly would still be helpful for me even if they popped up on my screen. I appreciate your videos. They are very insightful to me!

[@liquidlifeconsulting]

Unfortunately, I am usually listening while I'm walking, so I am not looking at the screen. And when I watch on KZbin on my TV there isn't a transcript. @@AttachmentAdam

[@liquidlifeconsulting]

Btw, I love your content!

[@nakitanash2189]

Yes I agree. Please read the questions slowly, we don't mind! The questions don't pop up for me, as well, sometimes we are just listening while doing chores

[@bridgetbanwell3582]

Can you help an avoidant woman?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I absolutely can. What specifically are you looking for help with? And if you’d rather speak privately, you’re welcome to send me an email at [e-mail] and we can talk there.

[@nemishasharma5737]

Adam, your thumbnail pictures seem blurred/low res.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Are you on your phone or desktop?

[@nemishasharma5737]

​@@AttachmentAdam I see it blurred on both. It's only in videos with this particular thumbnail image, the others seem fine.

[@jrubincornier]

New co-host. Why did Sarah leave?

[@AttachmentAdam]

We enjoyed our time together, but she has her own life path she needs to follow. I wish her all the best on her journey! ❤️

[@heatherhilderbrand7298]

How do you get an avoidant to stop ghosting you. He thinks it’s no big deal to deactivate for two weeks and always comes back with no slight intended I was just busy. That excuse is just that an excuse.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You have to learn how to effectively communicate with him in a way that he understands so that he changes this behavior. I can send you the resources you need to learn this skill, send me an email at [e-mail] and I'll be in touch.