AVOIDANT MEN Open Up When You Do This!

Are you in love with an avoidant man? In this livestream, The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith explains how to get him to open up and share his needs, receive your love, and love you in return.
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
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[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@bridgetbanwell3582]

Thank you

[@carolinecatona8728]

I have noted that behavior when I ask a question. I saw the pause and thought he was coming up with a lie

[@mercedesquadros8206]

Was

[@marthahardie]

I am working on a relationship WITH an avoidant man who I absolutely LOVE!

[@marthahardie]

I am also ADHD. I believe that I can benefit from coaching, but I won't be able to focus on "courses " online. I break away from the videos, pause and return later because I am all over the place! What can you offer for me?

[@nannyboo9832]

Ur so spot on with a lot of this. My DA says “don’t yell at me” or “stop yelling at me” when I ask him some questions …he acts like I’m interrogating him

[@AttachmentAdam]

Please consider going through my new course together. It will really help! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ you can learn all about it here.

[@sandymakesplans]

​@@AttachmentAdamyou were right: this will help find the red flags

[@chickndinner2851]

This is all great stuff, but both people have to want awareness and change. There’s two things that would prevent me from ever showing my avoidant man a video course like this: 1. He has his deceased parents on a pedestal three miles high. Anyone that suggests they played any part in his issues will become an instant enemy. 2. Anyone that gives the slightest hint that they’re psychoanalyzing him will become an instant enemy.

[@bobbylacy2374]

This guy is so full of crap! He expects women to change their behavior, keep walking on eggshells and cater to these men's (immature little boys) needs without expecting to get our needs met. He's making lots of buck, though, with this pseudopsychology. "Buy my stuff and you will understand him!"

[@nataliemilloy1304]

Omg thanks for posting this! I thought I was crazy but my DA does the exact same thing!

[@gregvanpaassen]

As Adam said insecure attachment starts in childhood, with events and patterns of interaction then. I believe daycare is a primary cause of the rise in anxious and avoidant behavior in adults today. Staff turnover in daycare is notoriously high so infants and young children were repeatedly traumatised by their carers abandoning them. That was the 1990s. Now, twenty-five years later, those infants have trouble with their adult relationships.

[@OlderWomenRock]

Good point , I stayed with my children until they started school

[@sookibeulah9331]

Totally agree. When my mother retired from her job but still had a few working years in her, she started working as a part time mother’s aid, specifically for mothers who had an older toddler and a new baby. After a couple of years she had so many recommendations that she could pick & choose the families she worked for. What she found to be a determining factor of whether she wanted to work for a family or not was if the toddler had been in daycare as a baby. She found them all too often to be ‘little monsters’ and were too much for her in her mid 60s. She had fantastic relationships with the toddlers who had been with a parent/ grandparent/ nanny/ consistent childminder but she couldn’t cope with the kids who’d been in daycare from when they were too young to speak. She felt desperately sorry for them. I think creating a society were both parents (have to) work full time and life too far from retired grandparents is causing enormous problems. Could it be one reason behind the exponential rise in transgenderism: we have a generation of children with poor sense of identity?

[@gregvanpaassen]

@@sookibeulah9331 This is fascinating! Thanks for sharing your mother's perspective! Yes I agree that daycare is the hidden-in-plain-sight cause of many emotional and identity problems.

[@romana-yn1fr]

That when we let government raise our kids

[@lookupyourredemptiondrawsn7285]

Yes!!! ​@@sookibeulah9331

[@karenthompson5539]

I recently reached out to my platonic DA friend who deactivated from me...hard...6 mos ago. He is dealing with family & health issues and admitted he's pulled away from everyone. I'm sad for him because there's so much more to life. Im on a healing journey and wish that for him, too. Were both in our 60s and never married.

[@maeshelley3154]

Karen I am in the exact same situation.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Please consider sharing my new course with him. It will really help! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ you can learn all about it here.

[@patriciahusch9688]

​@@SK-no2pp Wow. Nice. She's a FRIEND, not an ex - very different scenario. So, being caring enough to reach out to a friend or family member who is pulled away or self isolating - & taking ANY interest in their situation - requires "fixing them"??? YIKES! Without some intervention, or disrupting circumstance; pulling back & going numb for months or even years, is a real problem for too many people with any kind of avoidant issues. How is it so much, just to let a person know they are CARED about, or to reach out to offer specific, well considered INPUT/INSIGHTS. Why so all or nothing? Why is "How can I help?" (and following through with just that) equating to diving in & trying in vain to fix or change someone. I've been on both sides of this. Yes, you can get your fingers scratched by the feral cat. So... keep your hands in your own pockets, & keep it brief. "Hey, here's a thing to check out while to you're off radar: (insert the .com, book, podcast, KZbin etc). Take care. Hope to see you around... my schedule hasn't changed much. Give me a call if you want." The response the person reaching out received in the moment may not be warm & fuzzy.... it may SEEM like the avoidant isn't listening... phone calls or messages may go unanswered, etc... but it gets heard & filed away. And the "give-a-shit" is duely noted by the avoidant on the person-who-cared's behalf. (It's also duely noted if you barge in & start interferring & trying to "fix" them 🤬🫠 ) But being cared about enough for someone to message, text, or leave a voice mail without expecting a parade for it, is pretty great... & can result in reciprocal active consideration down the line.

[@erica2105]

Thank you, your explainations always offer a calm, clearer view of what is going on inside the avoidants of our life. I fell out of my relationship with the avoidant love of my life a few months ago. I tried to reconnect and he was on and off with me for months, ranging from red roses to not even answering my messages and back and forth again. I am starting to lose hope and I am starting to date other people, I am 40 years old and tired of wasting time.

[@kathforbes1724]

Sounds like he's anxious/avoidant... absolute nightmare... stay away from that 🙈

[@Onyxopus]

Your methods really work. Coming from a mental health professional: This is the real stuff right here. Thank you Adam.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for this wonderful message

[@RaphaellaVonMercer]

I can't WAIT until payday imma Join ASAP! This is the most authentic and well informed person speaking on these issues. He's doing it with COMPASSION and DEEP RESPECT for his subjects too. Adam I am truly loving your talks and I can't even articulate the magnitude of my appreciation of you, can't thank you enough!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your kind words and support! I'm thrilled to hear that the content and videos have resonated with you and that you find them helpful. Your appreciation means a lot to me.

[@gogohappygirl]

I love the bit where you talk about the internal process DAs go through when being asked a question to craft the perfect response. as a healing internal FA with trust wounds & hyper vigilance, I indeed had noticed the little micro pause my ex DA sometimes does when being asked a question, and I had worried that I was being lied to. Your explanation of their thought process is invaluable. Thank you!

[@RevMarciaBoyerMinister]

Adam, the way you explain the characteristics and feelings of an avoidant man beginning around 29 minutes is so eye-opening. I have a heart-wrenching personal experience with this- too lengthy to share here- and I only wish I had understood attachment styles many many years ago. 😢

[@The_NutritionChef]

The way I see it. It’s their love language so you’re learning how to speak their love language!.. just like you would want someone to learn how to speak your love language ..and their disinterest in learning how to speak your love language comes across of selfishness, so anyone who’s bitter and resentful about an avoidant instead of just learning how to speak their love language, don’t get the course! Keep watching videos about narcissism that complain about the avoidant and be bitter😂

[@stellamadera9569]

Absolutely yes!

[@soul-etude]

Oh, you look so much younger!! ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Haha, thanks! ❤

[@TheAlixir]

Always great content

[@lindamaratea1193]

Adam, by far, you truly are an amazing person who has helped me to understand what happened and move on. My avoidant is an amazing man, but emotionally/mentally, I could not remain. We loved each other, intimacy was fantastic, he trusted me, cried in my arms multiple times, and me knowing that he liked his space was always respected by me. I asked him if we could talk about us, and he ran and shut me totally down I unfortunately chased him because I didn't know any better which made it worse. We see each other in public, and emotionally, you can see the pain in his face. He even fainted from being emotionally overwhelmed while talking to me in public. I now say nothing to him. In time, maybe but not now. It is so painful to see him struggle and internally crush me. I have no hate for him and i wish he could find peace.

[@barbaraadams2645]

Absolutely!

[@SUNNYchanceofRAIN1477]

Oh the questions thang YEAH!!!!

[@desiemehrabian1133]

Yes- I started writing out what I want to say

[@AlexandraB3]

You are doing the great job. Thank you so much for your videos.

[@gogohappygirl]

I really appreciate the scientific approach you take to this topic. I’ve been studying attachment theory informally for four years now. I’ve learned a lot on the subject in regards to core needs & wounds, and the neurological aspect of it, so it’s really interesting to hear about it from a brain chemistry viewpoint, further elaborating on the neurology viewpoint. I absolutely love your seashell analogy. Even as an FA, I can relate to it, although I appreciate seashells in moderation. I also laughed when I was watching one of your other videos the other day about the industry many DAs work/excel in, because I also work in that industry but I work on the people side of that industry, which I suppose makes sense since I’m FA, having a mix of strength from both the avoidant & anxious sides.

[@hmterbune]

Knowing this stuff is great and doing exercises great by the time we found you the relationship is damaged beyond repair

[@jenniferbosi9382]

Self awareness and wisdom is key to healing.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Amen, thanks for sharing!

[@cjthefox]

Awesome stuff the ‘peace mode’ analogy was a really good metaphor for me to understand what he’s going through and why he’s so constantly exhausted still looking for the right words to tell him how I see his exhaustion, want to be his rock and how he doesn’t have to live a battle forever without sounding like “here you can’t handle you’re problems I’ll take them!”

[@hmterbune]

I am avoidant thanks for the content

[@Onyxopus]

Minute 21:00 about using business approach especially is GOLD. Thank you Adam for this highly impactful easy to apply formula 🙌🏻

[@tinalu4695]

This is just brilliant! While listening to this I have flashbacks from my recent relationship with an avoidant man which sadly ended but we are in touch again and planing to meet. This is coming at the perfect time. I think for him the most romantic moment in our relationship was when I helped him strategize about how to handle a job offer. He lit up like a Christmas tree!😂I guess it was the vasopressin? I really want to try to make it work with him but it feels overwhelming and pressuring to get it „right“, like it’s on me to give him what he needs. I recently figured out I have a fearfull avoidant tendency. I need to find a way to stay with me and my needs and treat him in a way that makes sense to him… he ghosted me last year and I am scared it will happen again. Not saying it’s ok what he did but at least now I understand what led him there.

[@kaitlin8669]

I don't have any interest in getting an avoidant back with an avoidant man. Nor any revenge. I don't want other women to make painful mistakes. I don't want women who are sick to be abandoned, to be pushed into having an unwanted abortion so he can be "free", to be abadoned after giving birth, or to be stood up and ghosted over and over again. Or to just be a booty call, Or be that girl who because she patiently waited for a guy for 10 years guy for proposal and lost her chance of having kids. Or the woman stood up at her wedding, To be the woman who never gets her needs met. These are major risks of getting attached to an avoidant man. To get attached to an avoidant man is to accept these risks. Just because you do everything perfectly does not mean you will be able to change him. You can't stay in good times forever. Eventually pregancy, sickness or job loss will hit. Will he have your back? Or will he run? You better have a good support system in place because fair weather friends do not show up during hard times. Have a plan for those scenarios.

[@sshuteandrew]

Exactly, you can’t walk on eggshells hard enough to make an avoidant trust you. Anything and everything will break their trust. They are looking for it to confirm their negative beliefs.

[@wizardofaus2985]

Such a familiar story....

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

This is so enlightening. I think I’m going to sign up for your course.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to hear that! You can learn more and get all the information you need through this course: adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@CWPost-di7uk]

Thank you, for educating us; much appreciated!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to help! What stood out the most to you?

[@innergoddess447]

This helps me understand the one I love and my self I have Asperger's autism

[@ariealray2088]

Absolutely 💯

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it resonated with you! 🙏

[@riza6558]

Unbelievable Truth

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear it resonated with you!

[@gogohappygirl]

Can you do a video on how to explain emotional intelligence to a DA in language they understand?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Please consider going through my new course. It will really help! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ you can learn all about it here. Let me know if you have any questions before hand!

[@gogohappygirl]

@@AttachmentAdam might consider it if you launch a course about DAs in general and not just men.🏳️‍🌈 I’ve been studying attachment theory on my own for four years, so I know about taking the emotion out of it, communicating positively, using I statements instead of you, etc…. I just like to hear other peoples takes on it to get new and interesting ideas that may be someone else who is an expert in the topic hasn’t talked about yet.

[@nadine_sarah]

finally a channel that explains attachment styles to me so I understand everything and especially myself more 😊👍☀️

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm happy to hear you're finding this channel and content helpful! What would you like to see more of?

[@boulderbodymind]

I found you a few weeks ago. Love your work. ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Wow, thank you! Welcome aboard!❤

[@ilspano6664]

❤❤❤thanks

[@AttachmentAdam]

❤❤

[@francleighscarlett]

Who is this fresh-faced stranger? 😊 Thanks for everything you do for those of us with attachment styles.

[@sshuteandrew]

However, those wired properly know love is far more valuable than a seashell. You can’t change a dismissive avoidant, no matter how much you walk on eggshells or twist yourself up into a pretzel. He will always find a way to not trust you- for the simplest reasons. Once the trust is broken in his mind, the relationship is over.

[@kevinmurtha7156]

Thank you so much for these videos. I thought i was crazy or a sociopath, before seeing these videos.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm happy to hear this content has been helpful! How has understanding these concepts changed your perspective on your own behavior and relationships?

[@sueirgang3858]

Yes

[@cleopatrajones7096]

I guess I’m Da’d wired and I just met a guy on an app. After one date, he wanted me to go on vacation with him. I said it’s a little soon. I got yelled at and he said I’d interpret as yelling. It wasn’t really yelling but it was full of vile and criticisms. He called me a robot and probably a narcissist. The next day he broke it off. I was sooooooooo happy. Too much drama and after one date?! Anxious avoidants come off as victims but they’re insane!!! Nooo thank you. I’ll take a healthier avoidant any day.

[@suzipuzi2001]

No, that guy is just a psycho. You made the right decision. Lots of crazies on those dating apps. Yikes. Run!!

[@patriciahusch9688]

Honey that crazy has nothing to do with attachment style. Crazy-psycho & dangerous, can be any type. I am a Fearful Avoidant/Disorganized attachment style... with too much experience with men & women with a variety of personalities, all along the Fearful Avoidant & Dismissive Avoidant spectrums. Although so many of the dangerous, terrible JackHats of the world fall into some category of insecure attachment types... very few people with insecure attachment types are dangerous, scary, terrible JackHats. Luckily, this person exposed themselves to be horrible right out of the gate! ***be grateful you were shown HIS true colors so quick. (but this is NOT representative of people with the attachment type in general) Most FAs & DAs are just anxiety riddled normal schmoes trying to live their lives & avoid rejection & conflict. Okay maybe SOME (ahem) FAs might seem to find conflicts & upsets without trying...🙄 Most "normal" avoidants value integrity, dignity, loyalty, & truth above all. That doesn't indicate horrible people who are intentionally terrible in relationships. Nor does it indicate anyone who would react in such a way to a sensible woman turning down a trip alone with a man she just met! A Dismissive-leaning FA pulling that proposal & being rejected would be more likely to have shrugged it off... or been embarrassed. Some would just shut down because the script didn't play out like they'd expected & they have not a clue where to go with that now. 😅 It would be more likely that ***A more Anxious-leaning FA might realize the crass-ness, second guess themselves 20 ways & appologize excessively. Then get irritable because they started appologizing like that & so on... ***OR*** a more jaded & JackHatty Anxious-leaning FA might get bitchy/pissy at the "rejection"... but NOT to the extremity you're describing in that kind of context.

[@cleopatrajones7096]

@@patriciahusch9688Thank you for taking the time to write me. Very much appreciate the response

[@patriciahusch9688]

@cleopatrajones7096 Hopefully it is helpful... and not just my own opinions! 🫶

[@angelalembach2198]

I believe he is an avoidant attachment and not a narcissist. Every time we meet in person he ghost me on the phone for days and days at a time it breaks away at a part of my heart every time he does this

[@LeylaKazazi]

Absolutely however I’m not even dating anyone right now just learning

[@Badmomsclub]

Absolutely!❤❤❤ I’ve noticed that when I acknowledge the little things that he does for me… Like, thanking him for taking the trash out. He responds so positively to that type of appreciation. I have seen an astounding amount of response from him, just with the smallest appreciation for the work that he does! Some of it makes me sad… When I think about it, because that just tells me in huge volumes, that he was never, ever, recognized for any of the small accomplishments that he’s ever made in his life. His ex-wife was so horrible to him. She pushed him to be more to be more to be more! He was in the Marine Corps “which he absolutely excelled exponentially“ and then forced him to quit for her own selfish needs. She had been cheating on him when he was in Korea for 12 months… And she forced him to quit the Marine Corps because she did not want him to be anywhere that the Marine Corps told him to go.😢 it really is a sad story for him… Because if you were to meet him, he is definitely the epitome of a marine! He lives it still! He loved the discipline, and I believe when he and I have spoken about his Marine Corps career that that is where he lights up… He said I was so good at it! But I failed at my marriage. Which made me sad for him because he still feels like a failure with that one thing.😢

[@Maverick-zy7yu]

Wow that is terrible for him and we’ll for you because now you deal with a broken man but good you’re showing him what real love and a wife is.

[@christyproffitt6179]

We are both avoidant but I'm also at least a little fearful I believe

[@AttachmentAdam]

Please consider going through my new course together. It will really help! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ you can learn all about it here.

[@lursanih]

yes

[@kayyy.beeeee6173]

This programs is great if you’re in a current relationship. If you haven’t made it that far it doesn’t resonate!

[@inyoureyes25]

With and am avoidant.

[@esterdorweiler9740]

No one has life handed to them on a silver platter maybe a DA needs to roll up his sleeves and do some work on his attachment theory for himself!!

[@OlderWomenRock]

I think a lot of Us mistake Avoidants for people just not into Us although it could be a double whammy . Im assuming even Avoidants show more affection and attention when they are really into their partner

[@LSGO90]

Only if they feel safe enough to do so.

[@gogohappygirl]

The challenge is, some DAs are so disconnected from their emotions, they don’t even know how much space they need themselves, and the thought of having to verbalize that rather than just taking it feels foreign to them. Any suggestions for this scenario? This was an issue I had with my DA ex. Now that we’ve been reconnecting over the last while, I just let them take their space and come back into communication when they are ready. It’s now gotten to the point where I can roughly estimate when they will come back. I’m a healing, high functioning/internal FA.

[@ZaraUchiha13]

heh Adam, after this video I suddenly had an epiphany - mine wasn't an avoidant man. He just didn't like me enough :DDDD

[@brendagal1273]

5/4/24 HELLO ! How do I get coaching from you ?. ??

[@sueirgang3858]

With a avoidanted n very distant for years

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

What about pulling away some after first time intimacy? How should we handle it if there’s a 2nd time?

[@SoulVibes1111]

I understand the analogy but I have my own money and resources so I’d never ask for half of anything. I don’t know how they jump to the conclusion that would be the case. I am not avoidant only because I worked to be incredibly secure. I was severely abused from birth through my late teens until I stood up for myself. I’ve always had to fend for myself as failure is not an option. I never knew love as a child and never had relationships with a father or my mother. I am perplexed as to why it’s hard for others to love when even after all I went through which I’m minimizing, I can love. The man I’m in love with is avoidant which I recognize and know that’s why I’m so patient with him because of my childhood.

[@macioanasava.official5084]

What do you do when you need emotional support??? Imagine you go through a surgery and your avoidant doesn't want to answer the messages and pushes away...how would you communicate??? One of my family member is also ill and my avoidant blocked me and went to another country to live and work. I was so so so patient with him till I had an emotional break down and I had no support from him....I did't blame him.. he said he didn't want to hurt me'. I hope he will come back one day...I am now learning how to cumminicate with him better if he ever calls me back...I know he also suffered a lot because of his childhood ¿¿ Has your avoidant ever blocked you?? I would appreciate if you could answer me. Thank you.

[@dvegas]

Exactly! That's why I've been patient with avoidant people because I have my own trauma. But at some point, I just can't take their risk aversion because I'm so low risk, it's like "What else could you possibly want?!" I just walk away...this has happened with relationships, friends, and work.

[@heatherdelbert2412]

WHOA--where’s your beard??? 😊 You look 20 years younger!!!!!

[@cherylackerman3411]

Can I still ask questions… This is a big one maybe a session?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Please email me at [e-mail] so we can discuss next steps.

[@verinakareem3562]

With avoiding man

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

You mentioned what the partner can say she will offer to the avoidant, but what do we ask OF THE AVOIDANT that will go over well?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Please consider going through my new course together. It will really help! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ you can learn all about it here.

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

@@AttachmentAdam ha! Not gonna happen. They haven’t even admitted it, I don’t know their back story.

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

I find that they need almost constant reassurance, compliments, words that show u care. Anyone else? I think they really liked an incident where I showed I was jealous, I overreacted.

[@gogohappygirl]

A need for constant reassurance and words of affirmation is more of an anxious trait, not avoidant. Avoidants like appreciation in moderation. If you’re too over-the-top, it’ll scare them off. Showing jealousy also makes them feel controlled & conflict scares them off. You might be dating a fearful avoidant if your person shows signs of being anxious and avoidant.

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

@@gogohappygirlbut DAs are anxious too, no? And he does run from conflict. Personally I think he’s mostly DA (ticks all the boxes) with some FA in him. Is that called “leaning FA”?

[@gogohappygirl]

@@user-tz1hl3pf2w, DAs have low level subconscious anxiety, whereas anxious and fearful avoidant people have conscious anxiety. Your person could be DA leaning FA, or possibly FAleaning DA. FAs come across as more warm and like depth, so that can be a differentiating factor as to whether FA is there primary attachment style or secondary one.

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

@@gogohappygirl yes I would say DA, probably on the severe end too as i hardly ever see them, and was recently scared off by a little intimacy. 😥 Any idea what I should do/say? Also what do we do/say to get them to tell us what happened presumably in childhood? I know that they trust me.

[@sshuteandrew]

@@user-tz1hl3pf2w Dismissive avoidants have very low levels of anxiety. They have depression.

[@ariealray2088]

I made the mistake of sending a lot of texts while I was hurting and ignored. I need to help him understand that I've learned a terrible mistake and learned and need to get hom back. Please any advice?

[@suzipuzi2001]

Just don't do anything.

[@user-wz8xt6ox3m]

What if they don’t like going out often and you want to make a suggestion to go out lol how would you address that?

[@kathforbes1724]

What do you do when the main part of their dopamine coping style consists of extreme alcoholism. I've already decided not to be with him... we're just friends but how would a securely attached person... with the skills your talking about...even begin to break through that cycle - one that begins with alchol for breakfast and ends with alchol for dinner.

[@ewamg8510]

Would it work for addicted man? Stopped drinking 3 years ago became extremely selfish, evoiding and cheated the last year. Just divorced my avoiding husband

[@juliebittinger555]

Friends with but told when ready I’m who he wants a relationship with?

[@summerlane508]

I can’t help but feel it’s transactional kind of feels narcissistic, and that frightens me

[@AttachmentAdam]

What makes you feel that way?

[@summerlane508]

Walking on eggshells part, selecting the right words, and controlling your feelings all the time. Maybe not being able to express yourself in the moment for fear that it will frighten the avoidant

[@sasse1473]

Will an avoident man ever stop cheating or entertaining other women for their dopamine boost? Or is it a lost cause. I don't want to give up on this man but the amount of outside attention he seems to need is heart wrenching

[@Foxie770]

It depends on if you can get him to work on the deep seated causes of his issues.

[@itsmelanieking]

Why are y’all trying to fix another person? This is not heslthy

[@sasse1473]

@itsmelanieking who said I was trying to fix? I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say.

[@trisham22333]

I would suggest him to see a Therapist who specializes in sexual addiction or attention seeking (I do not know the exact term for that lol) , & if you are his actual girlfriend/wife, etc, then he is highly disrespecting you !! Never ever sacrifice your dignity & self-worth for a man !! Put yourself first , he clearly is missing a void in his life that seems to be only filled with attention from others. He desperately needs much healing that ONLY HE can make the decision to get the help for, not you or any other female can fix. I wish you the best!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

@itsmelanieking it’s definitely not about fixing somebody else like a project. But if he’s open to legitimate love, and if he’s willing to do his own work, there are great ways to support a partner as they change themselves into a healthier version.

[@cecillyrowe6339]

what if in a large family

[@kimberlyleidy8114]

I am one. Think I fell for an avoidant

[@hmterbune]

Dying alive in one

[@SUNNYchanceofRAIN1477]

With ...somewhat ouch

[@DP-sb5jg]

Unfortunately for me i found this too late. I found an SL friend and he keeps blocking me whenever i try to stand up with his dismissal bc i overreact. I wished i knew this was his coping mechanism and to just see things gently. I would not have overreacted. Looking back. I was ignoring him bc i thought he needed space but he wanted attention and couldn't ask for it in a healthy way. Instead he kept showing off his new flavor of the month in front of me. I know SL isn't real but the signs were evident moreso virtually. I can't explain it. Maybe if he does calm down after me calling him a dork, i could start helping him see that it's not me against him. Every argument seems like no one has his back and I'm really shocked by a grown-ass man, who has so many friends and a loving family is still this way in SL. I wonder if he hides this really well from his RL family And is his truest self, the insecure child comes out online. It's crazy how virtual sims filters emotions bc that is all we can do is emote.

[@ko.lee_asmr]

What is disorganized? Is this an attachment? Haven't heard of that before

[@LSGO90]

Disorganized attachment is also known as fearful avoidant- a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment style. Less common and more complex; ironically the best possible partner for a dismissive avoidant since they empathize with the need for space and autonomy.

[@vykryl65]

Fearful avoidant seems to cause confusion in this analysis. Should be anxious avoidant, rather than fearful avoidant, so people understand its a combination of both types. My introduction to attachment theory titled the fearful avoidant category as disorganized. To me, these videos ride the line between avoidant and disorganized issues. I'm avoidant, show me I can depend on you and things will work out. Do not create unnecessary work or crisis for me to solve, that is a breach of trust. Let me fix things that need fixed or I will check out. My wife falls into the disorganized category. Her life is a constant crisis. She wants to maintain control over everything, but no responsibility for the outcomes. We've been separated 2 years now. She is now repeating the same process with our son. He's looking for an out that doesn't leave his mom stranded

[@heatherriney4991]

Anyone on here have a DA that uses weed or other substances? I just wonder if they are using it to mitigate the stress hormones??

[@LorienzoDeGarcia]

By God, you look good with or without your face mufflers.

[@ewamg8510]

4 levels of trust to let people in ?

[@dmcsunshine1]

👍

[@suzipuzi2001]

I think I'm (mildly) FA, and I think my romantic interest is dismissive-avoidant. Trying to figure him out.

[@AttachmentAdam]

What behaviors is he showing that makes you think he's avoidant?

[@suzipuzi2001]

@@AttachmentAdam oh... Where to begin ... Idk if this is what you intended with your question but it's gonna be kind of long bc I just don't know how to distill it. It's been a pattern of behaviors over the past year or so. First of all he has a track record of short lived relationships where he sabotages the relationships. We have a mutual friend, who has told me about this. He's 41 years old, still single (and I'm fairly close to his age and also still single, and I've barely dated). I've also been told he's a "reluctant dater" even though he wants to get married. He has kind of a robotic demeanor, all business all the time. He responds best to informational questions or asks for favors, rather than "getting to know you" questions. We go to the same religious establishment and he is basically running all the events, mostly by himself. When I joined the religious establishment about a year ago ( though I did meet him 12 years ago there through a mutual friend but I moved away), I noticed he was doing those things by himself. He's a good looking guy and I admire a lot of qualities about him, and we're both still single in our 40s and looking to get married, when I moved back, and he was staring at me a lot, at first I tried to chat him up, he said he remembered me and we had a bit of flirtation initially, but then he started actively avoiding talking to me. Like, blatantly. So wanting to still get to know him better, i offered to help him with setup and cleanup of events, asking in person and also over email, and at first he would just not respond ( even in person!), sometimes he seemed flushed (idk if it was blushing or not), so I would just be like , "okay well, if you need me just let me know". There was also a moment where we were sitting among others at a table and he and I made eye contact and he flinched, either like he was shocked or scared. Our mutual friend happened to invite the both of us to a holiday meal (happening just a day later). Well he was SO adversarial to me at that meal. Like shutting me down, whatever small talk I would try to make with him, being rude and standoffish (interestingly at that same meal my friend asked him why he insists on wearing so many hats, and he said "bc nobody else can do it right!"). Anyway, bc he was so incredibly rude to me at that meal, I got really insulted and I cold shouldered him for about 5 weeks. Basically ignored his presence, and planned to never talk to him ever again. But I could see he was hovering. Finally, I decided to thaw, mostly because I discovered about the attachment styles and I thought maybe his reaction to me was due to some sort of avoidance, and also being adversarial myself was wearing on me. Well he seemed to perceive that I thawed and he immediately started reaching out to interact with me (like bringing in a bowl of fruit into a room where I was sitting alone and then sitting himself outside of that room, snacking while looking through the glass door at me) . After that I still wasn't really sure how to interact with him, but he approached me cautiously a couple times after I made more eye contact, and we had a few intense flirty moments over a span of a few weeks. Then finally he sent a bcc'd group email, asking for help with setup and cleanup of a thanksgiving dinner event. For that thanksgiving event the congregants could write in public dedications of gratitude to whoever they wanted. I did for a bunch of people including him, for a bunch of qualities that I admired about him. I don't know if that opened him up to accepting help, or what. And he sat next to me at that dinner and we had a ( very limited) conversation but it was the longest conversation we had thus far. Soon after that, I was shocked to see that after a certain weekly event, people left a huge mess and he was to only one staying to clean it up, so I stayed to help him clean up. As we were wrapping up, he told me if I want to help out with set up for it , I can come at XYZ time. Well, the next week, I came at XYZ time and got there just before he did. When he saw me, he went pale and was speechless. Anyway, since then I have been helping him with setup and cleanup for that weekly event, whenever I am able. Sometimes I get to make a little conversation, sometimes it's all business, but in the process we've become "sort of" friends. He mom got sick and died in the middle of it all, and without being asked I took over running that event while he was out of town bc of mourning. He ended up inviting me to his birthday dinner (along with another woman who I found out later he had asked on a date but ghosted her a few years ago, she is in a serious relationship with someone else now, but they recently reconciled bc of his mom's passing) and a guy. Just the four of us. Our mutual friend also mentioned he eats alone a lot, which I was utterly shocked to hear since he's such a central figure in our community. He has a business degree and a corporate job and is very good at it, he's very passionate about what he does. I recently invited him to a lunch at my place (with a few other people) which he warmly accepted, but then he was pretty standoffish when he was at my place. He just sat on my couch staring ahead and not talking to anyone, for a good long while, and when I checked on him he responded "I'm fine..." in a tone that was like, "how else would I be, why are you worried?" I got him water, and at first it was tap water, which he refused, so I got him a bottle of spring water and he said, in that same tone, nodding, " okay, just put it on the table", not moving a single muscle. We had a normal group conversation while eating, but then he went and laid down on the couch and took a nap. Then I served dessert, he got up for that and ate at the table. Then we said grace, and then he said he had places to be and people to see, and left. Anyway, the TLDR is that piecing together all of these things (and frankly there's more), I feel like a dismissive avoidant attachment style could make sense of all of this.

[@suzipuzi2001]

@@AttachmentAdam he flirts but then retreats, and even blatantly avoids. He hardly ever responds to texts unless I'm asking for info or for a favor, (though he did accept my invite to a group lunch at my place the other day🎉 even though it was going to be a long walk on a scorching day) and even then he's very concise A mutual friend of ours says that's his normal MO to barely respond to texts if at all. After some good in-person interactions, he'll retreat (and frankly I also feel like retreating and not seeing him for a while). When he's interacting with married women or women already in serious relationships with other men, he's a lot chattier and less standoffish. Also, he gets involved a lot of things and "wears many hats" often singlehandedly, and when asked why he does that to himself, he said "because nobody else would do it right". He's particular about things. I've offered to help him sometimes, and I do what he tells me but he's quick to criticize and not as quick to thank. He projects an image of importance. He's a loner but somehow makes it not so obvious that he is. In a shmoozy setting, I noticed he has a way of pretending to work a room but mostly he's trying to look busy, taking care of this and that with the food and cleanup (which he usually puts himself in charge of) and he'll maybe will chat with a select few buddies a bit. He's a moving target at these things At a singles event we both went to, it was similar -- he avoided talking to any women there, just stood around texting mostly, and chatted with the organizer for a while.

[@huckjunoy]

I think I'm avoidant woman!!!😓

[@macioanasava.official5084]

I have one question . Once you block somebody ¿ Do you ever try to contact again that person if they were nice to you? In my case my avoidant man blocked me and went to another country. This happened during an emotional break down when I told him I went through a surgery and also another family memeber is ill. My avoidant couldn't handle the situation he told me he didn't want to hurt me and run away.... I was in shock I couldn't understand anything but now I know he has childhood traumas because of his avoidant attachment style. I would appreciate if you could tell me if you have ever considered coming back to a person that was nice to you after blocking them. I still love my avoidant. I don't blame him, I understand him. It just makes me happy if he would come back or call me......

[@Miss._.mindfulness]

We both have a great deal of love & kindness, however his avoidance has led him to think he wants a polyamory lifestyle -thoughts on that Adam?

[@The_NutritionChef]

Dont agree to that ❤

[@Miss._.mindfulness]

We met in that arena & it wasn’t for me so we dated exclusively for about a year & 1/2

[@michynature]

That’s an interesting and very valid question…

[@ivonesilva6084]

I have PD. I don’t understand why DAs don’t just take levodopa.

[@dclarke2179]

The Side Effects, Unnecessary Costs, and being a DA is not a medical condition 😂

[@ivonesilva6084]

@@dclarke2179 levodopa is cheap. I don’t have side effects from it.

[@JenGrice]

Yeah put the beard back, Adam!! 😉😂

[@AttachmentAdam]

Haha as SOON as I can

[@lori6156]

So … who WANTS a transactional relationship?!?!

[@sobu9917]

Look, the difference to the story you are telling is that in the beginning they WANT that seashell, they want love and affection and openly state so, only that once you give that to them they immediately change their minds and start to question the value of those seashells. That's a big difference to the story you are telling that portrays them as innocent victims of their loveless childhood.

[@innergoddess447]

Then your not understanding maybe you are not unconditional love

[@wendybesse90]

​@@innergoddess447 how ignorantly presumptive of you

[@innergoddess447]

@@wendybesse90 maybe you are or else healthy sentences wouldn't get you triggered

[@AnnaFunk]

I think the analogy still works, though? In the beginning, they know that everyone around them values the sea shells, and so they think, "huh, I must need them, too" but then once they gather some shells, and can't find a use for them (because they've never been taught any practical use for them), they start to question why they keep it around if it isn't serving any purpose to them. If you want to offer the avoidant person the biggest, shiniest sea shell in return for all of the materials they've gathered and have clear use for, then you need to do one of two things: 1. Learn why they value the other materials, and help them understand how the sea shell fits into those values, or 2: Bring what THEY value to the table. And if you can't do either of those things, question why you're so desperate to be with that person in the first place. There are plenty of people out there that will see the value of the biggest, shiniest sea shell without you having to try. Go offer it to one of them.

[@jackdeniston6150]

Yeah, I can tell from your post, that your affection clearly comes with an invoice. ´If I do this, you buy me a house´ and Men can tell.

[@cherylackerman3411]

With

[@cherg1743]

Trying to be with … lol

[@laurathurlow3634]

with

[@edithamaliaioo2228]

So I was not able to comment in the live stream without donation, although I am member ... I thought is something wrong with my phone 😅

[@kylahyland7048]

What is it that you wanted to ask him? Out of curiosity 😊

[@edithamaliaioo2228]

I wanted to ask on what conditions is possible for the avoidant to not be open for an intimate romantic relationship, even if you do all the right things: rationalize the needs, being noncritical, logical and business talks, being supportive and calm in their goals... i am about to withdrawn from my avoidant , after I told him about my needs, he responded that is very sorry for not feeling (!!!) more for me... in that romantic sense

[@kylahyland7048]

@edithamaliaioo2228 I would say this comes down to a few different factors. 1. How long have you guys been seeing one another? What stage of the dynamic are you in. 2. What has he got going on personally atm. Sometimes, when a DA has more going on in life, they have to place their energy into those areas that keep them ahead and stable. So, trying to meet your needs when his not got that full investment into you could be seen as a risk to his safety. 3. He may just not want to further the dynamic at this time, and you expressing yourself has made him more aware of this, which he may be telling you by expressing that he dosent feel the same towards meeting your needs as you do for him. You could so everything right, and show up in the best light, but if his not ready, then you need to accept this, take a step back, and see what happens. Its sound like you are trying, and it can be very frustrating, but maybe try and go at his pace. DAs move like snails.

[@cecilang9721]

If you saw the videos on oxytocin bonding in the first stages, it at least has to get through that because they have to be really into you FIRST before the avoidant self protection kicks in as they prevent themselves from feeling more vulnerable. This is where these videos come in handy. If they just aren’t that into you, understanding them is useless.

[@kylahyland7048]

@@cecilang9721 definitely agree on this!

[@antcricket]

I want to leave a comment, but it will be long

[@AttachmentAdam]

feel free to reach out directly to me through [e-mail]

[@leannadole4747]

I’m not sure what attachment style my guy is.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey Leanna! I hear you. Please feel free to email me for some guidance at [e-mail] 🙏

[@leannadole4747]

He is ADHD, dyslexic, and overreacts

[@leannadole4747]

He only wants to be friends with benefits. He divorced eight years ago and was married for 19 years. Might take on it so far is that he was deeply hurt by that marriage or the ending of it.

[@cmleibenguth]

No beard? Hairesy!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I lost a battle with a new electric shaver, and had to make a decision haha. The beard shall return!

[@samuelpayne5460]

The reality is that avoidant men have learned that women have needs. We are more than willing to give. But, when we give to the point of being used, then we say, “can you provide for my needs?” We are met with a resounding, “no!”. This is why we become avoidant. Bc we are expected to provide for ALL of your needs without being provided for any of our needs. Women, if you want us to stop being avoidant, recognize that you aren’t a princess that has a one directional relationship where everything is directed to you.

[@SG-kt3vj]

With 🫠

[@juliedowney2409]

Yes

[@desiemehrabian1133]

With

[@elizabethdarling2415]

Yes

[@nicolelauderdale3919]

Yes

[@janicedecesario2010]

With

[@daniellelantz591]

With