How to make an Avoidant Man bond to You in the Bedroom

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now.
Unraveling the mysteries of why Avoidant Men may not Bond Emotionally after sex as women do, Adam explores the intricate chemistry behind bonding in both men and women. Let's delve into the often-overlooked hormone, vasopressin, and its profound role in male bonding by Adam Lane Smith, The Renowned Attachment Specialist.
From oxytocin's significance in fostering emotional connections to vasopressin's pivotal role in male bonding, Adam offers valuable insights into how understanding these hormones can revolutionize your relationships. Particularly focusing on avoidant men, Adam provides practical strategies to activate vasopressin bonding, facilitating deeper connections and intimacy.
Through clear explanations and relatable examples, Adam guides viewers towards fostering healthier, more fulfilling relationships by speaking their partner's language of trust, achievement, and shared experiences. Whether you're seeking to enhance intimacy in the bedroom or cultivate deeper connections outside of it, this transcript offers invaluable guidance for building lasting bonds with your partner.
Join Adam Lane Smith as he empowers viewers to unlock the secrets of male bonding and transform their relationships into a source of profound connection and fulfillment. Don't miss out on this essential discussion that has the power to revolutionize the way you understand and nurture your relationships.
If you enjoyed this video on Avoidant Attachment Style then I would recommend you give this other video on Avoidant Men a watch: • Why You MUST Build Sec...
The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - The Secret Bonding Hormone
00:02:00 - The Importance of Oxytocin in Women's Bonding Process
00:04:06 - The Oxytocin Bonding Process
00:06:08 - The Cheeseburger Effect and the Vasopressin Bonding
00:08:16 - The Role of Vasopressin in Male Attachment Styles
00:10:35 - The Secret to Pleasing an Avoidant Man
00:12:38 - Communicating for a Great Bedroom Experience
00:14:53 - Building Experiences Together
00:16:57 - Bonding with an Avoidant Man

[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@etkaxxx6659]

Hello Adam, is there any chance for a video about partner's menopause ( how to deal with it), please?? I know you are a young man ( so most probably your wife as well) and you may not have personal experience ,but it is super difficult time for many women and their partners ( it adds up fuel to many divorces).... I just started watching your channal recently...Great work so far 👍

[@sarap1233]

Hi, your message says 'pick up your copy' so I thought that meant that there was written material but the link took me to a video course. I don't learn or remember well through auditory means. Do you have transcripts to go with those video modules?

[@CIair_de_lune]

I don't know who needs to hear this, but I've witnessed firsthand how you can move towards secure attachment with an avoidant if you're both willing to. Even having the conversation of attachment styles and working together towards secure attachment can be a form of vasopressin bonding. What's funny is that during our conversation he confessed that he had slept with 9 women before me and the experience was "like having a really good meal at a restaurant" for him but he was tired of that lifestyle and wanted more. I feel like we really built something together where we could both feel safe and flourish and I wish that for everyone on this channel ❤ Edit: thank you for all the positive responses, it's been 2 years for me and it truly works if both partners are willing to make it work.

[@saharalove418]

This gives me hope 🥲 thank you for sharing.

[@edithamaliaioo2228]

Thank you, I hope to live and have the same experience :)

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and giving others some much needed hope. What was the most helpful thing you both learned or did to move towards secure attachment?

[@CIair_de_lune]

@@AttachmentAdam thank YOU Adam, because if it weren't for your videos I would've lost hope a long time ago. I tried to monitor my feelings and expectations, "self-soothe" and "self-police" as you have said. Once I relaxed a little he also started to relax and actually have deeper conversations and share more of his experiences with me. We both learned how to communicate effectively with each other. It took more than a year but the past few months were the best so far and I'm so glad I sticked around to witness it.

[@kaitlin8669]

You might to slow down there. Wait a year and see how it goes.

[@sunshinecasey]

This was actually really confirming for me. This comes naturally for me. My avoidant partner says he's never had anyone tell him exactly what they want and like and compliment him like i do. I've got him to buy all sorts of novelty items and we've been having fun exploring and experimenting. i can see such a HUGE difference in him, in bed, from when we first started being intimate to now. He talks to me more during sex, because he knows i like it. I can tell he's truly trying to please me, so everything you're saying makes perfect sense.

[@ryanlewandowsky2077]

Congratulations it sounds like he is bonded to you for life! Sounds like you never bought into the cliche the way to a man’s ❤️ is through his stomach!

[@KaylaNoelle1]

I have the same experience!! I think it’s because I’m autistic and it makes me more blunt than most women. I tell him what would work for me and I debrief afterwards. I think that’s why it took me a while to realize he is avoidant. Because after intimacy he has ALWAYS wanted to cling to me for oxytocin like a koala. If I get up to use the washroom he whines 😂 But then I got a bit bitter because he only was saying “I love you.” after intimacy so I felt like I had to earn his love with my body, but that’s not what it was. He was getting a one-two-punch of vasopressin and oxytocin with the usual dopamine and he was genuinely feeling unlike he ever had before. I feel way better now that I understand the science behind his behaviour. I know he DOES love me, he’s just been feeling the most bonded during/after physical intimacy. He also wanted to build a side table together last weekend and we were a good team. So now I know what he needs/ has been trying to do subconsciously!

[@ryanlewandowsky2077]

Yeah men naturally don’t know about a woman’s body so we are dying for advice from a female partner! Shoot we all wanna be the champ!

[@1111fairy]

So this explains why he would rather work and play video games than spend time with me.

[@a.d.b535]

... Or spend countless hours with his friend doing renovations than me.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That could be a major reason. Any way you could renovate together?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sometimes that can be the reason, yes. Could you get involved too?

[@a.d.b535]

@@AttachmentAdam We built a picnic table and he got a little impatient with me. He got me involved in watching football this past season and liked that. I think a good project would be raising his new chocolate lab. Seems he likes my involvement and that I picked up books and videos to help me learn. But I'll have to come up with more ideas.

[@a.d.b535]

@@AttachmentAdam Also, we do have some renovations coming up.

[@lynettejohnson9051]

Knowing the person your making love to is feeling similar pleasure, connection, and trust bond that you are is the most amazing feeling! 🎉😊❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Well said! Definitely best for both partners to be fully together during the process!

[@kresivarivkah612]

Absolutely.

[@kresivarivkah612]

Absolutely.

[@relationshipcoach_reco]

I have recently experienced change from my avoidant man but we both were unsure why he suddenly became so dependant on me. And now only after watching this video I understand why he has become so bonding and affectionate than before. By my helping him overcome the difficulties he experience in life I won his vassopressin.This is such a big wow point for me. Thank you Adam. thank you for making this video.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's always uplifting to see feedback like yours. Glad you found this video helpful and that you're connecting with your partner on a deeper level. In what ways did he become more dependent on you?

[@JesuisLord]

How did you help him overcome difficulties?

[@ashleemarie8779]

May I ask or get some examples of how you helped him? We have no real “challenges” I can solve. I’m a sahm we are moving but I feel like nothing I do matters anymore

[@MissTalkToMyHand]

Yess! I would love to hear how you helped him overcome some challenges

[@michellejanko8387]

I want this connection/teamwork outside of the bedroom before it happens in the bedroom

[@reneehaynes8289]

Sure 👍

[@notyoureverydayashleyxoxo]

VALID!!!!!!!! 👏

[@chickndinner2851]

Can’t relate. Without the bedroom stuff I may as well be single. I can do chores myself. 😄

[@notyoureverydayashleyxoxo]

@@chickndinner2851 how did you derive this from the original comment? 😂 wtf

[@chickndinner2851]

@@notyoureverydayashleyxoxo I guess it’s because I’m reading it from the point of view of an old lady that’s in a LTR. There’s plenty of loud women out there that withhold sex when the husband doesn’t do enough housework or help enough with the kids. I guess the original commenter may have meant something different if she’s talking about the scenario of dating someone brand new and not sleeping with them right away.

[@katiejobe7013]

When you said, “this is the work of Dr. Sue Carter…i thought you were about to say “Dr. Seuss” and I busted out laughing ❤😂 that made me happy., Thank you for sharing.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Dr Suess has never gone this intense before. 🤣 Glad this made you happy.

[@chickndinner2851]

My gosh, Adam. Thank you for this. After watching your video, I realized that I often push my man away when he tries to help me with a project because I was raised to be fiercely independent, handy, clever and strong. So I’m actively preventing the bonding I want so badly to have. 😮

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely. I'm proud of you for reflecting and making that connection. How are you going to overcome this in the future?

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

I’ve had to let my man carry my bags and things for me and I am just not used to that at all! But it definitely helps him to feel important and needed, and bonded to me.

[@chickndinner2851]

@@AttachmentAdam I’m learning to recognize when there are opportunities to collaborate on a project, and learning to not reflexively say “no” when he asks if I want assistance.

[@jayc342009]

Not letting anyone help you will push people away because people like to feel helpful. You've gotta let people help you, this strong independent crap is just silly.

[@lizzymtjoy834]

Bonding by building legos together. And providing a secure peaceful space full of kindness and respect. ❤

[@muffin.breath]

Thank you for this information, Adam! This makes a lot of sense! I would love to hear more about what signals men display to indicate vasopressin bonding is taking place, and what it looks like when it begins to shift to oxytocin bonding. Thank you so much for caring and for what you do! ❤

[@Loveprevails1111]

I’m going to have to watch this every day as a reminder to solve problems together!

[@cynthiacastro158]

I feel like this applies to all men, not just avoidant men.

[@monpsy100]

Very informative video, thank you! I'm a neuroscientist and I've never heard anyone explain things in exactly this way. This makes so much sense. I'm embarking on what I hope will be an intra-subject longitudinal study 😊

[@AttachmentAdam]

Wonderful! I'm so glad you found this helpful. Would love to hear more about your longitudinal study.

[@natalic6088]

He he, so accurate! Have experienced this broadly with a new man without knowing what it was before seeing this video. This man said he was going through crisis and badly needed to only experiment with novelty, sex wise (and of course as an avoidant he didn’t want anything more than that). Do we started with role play and being out in nature and parks. A lot of problem solving I promise you! He would go two, three turns of long session and having that face of achievement in the end 😅 we’ve had weekly adventures like this until he got quite for two weeks - I guess he got a bit scared of it all for now. Expecting him to come back anytime though. As I am anxious attached type woman it is good training for me to just let go of control and chasing too - I knew intuitively that wouldn’t work with this guy from the get go.

[@OlderWomenRock]

My ex and I were ( still are ) extremely sexually compatible. we talked a lot about our experiences. We talked about what We both wanted and liked , we both gave . He was my perfect lover and I told Him. I complimented Him often and He mostly only complimented Me sexually He said He felt addicted to Me sexually It’s how I became hooked , it’s how my feelings grew . I became attached It didn’t happen for Him He couldn’t feel deeper feelings for Me . He was physically intimate but not emotionally His sexual attraction brought Him back to Me twice He said He struggled with his sexual chemistry for Me Sadly He only wanted this He would never admit to it when I asked if He wanted a casual sexual relationship But all of his actions , lack of affection told Me it’s all He wanted

[@alice-hp7dh]

Same here 😢 And after 4 years to be the one who loved for two, I now felt that the sexual bond Is gradually vanished.

[@Seraphina93]

Mh

[@J.M..]

This is one of the most informative videos that I have ever watched. I will remember this advice for the rest of my life.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for this wonderful feedback, it really means a lot.

[@sosoutherngirl2595]

This was exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you so much!

[@handerson-vl7df]

Adam....you are amazing....I love your insights. Greatly appreciated.😊❤🎉

[@elizabethwerter7171]

This is the BEST in formation. I’ve been doing this not realizing that it WAS how we were bonding! OMG. Thank you .

[@ranaamran9671]

That's really good Adam. Makes lots of sense and you're the only attachment expret who defines the avoidant style as risk assessment. Brilliant 👏 and thanks for the great content 👍 ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much, it's always great to hear feedback like yours.

[@Pulliefabulous]

You just helped me crack my relationship to a new level 👌🏾

[@GeminiOnARoll]

Thank you Adam, I'm gonna try this tonight ❤

[@cortneyozment7825]

I always did this because it was soo good to begin with! But we had one conflict and he ran! I’m just going to give him space and see what happens he will either come back or not!

[@cortneyozment7825]

Update he came back and now pursues me everyday first!

[@MissTalkToMyHand]

Omg love that for you. How did you approach it? I need tips😂 my guy was being avoidant and I wanted to give him space, but once my end of the month hormones kicked it I became so anxious and that pushed him away a bit. I think he is feeling pressured now. Any tips?

[@magicmarie8403]

@@cortneyozment7825 of course I’m sure you’re more then worth it

[@joansandeen9443]

Amazing!! Thank you so much!! You have such good, deep, meaningful advice!! I'm addicted to your videos because they've helped me SO MUCH!!! ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm thrilled to hear that the videos have been helpful to you. Is there a specific topic or issue you'd like to see covered in future videos?

[@janethomas78]

love this channel!!!

[@EvaLynne]

That was fire. One of the best videos out there. Thanks.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I appreciate that! I'm glad you enjoyed it and found it valuable.

[@EvaLynne]

@@AttachmentAdam I engaged with my person today as I learned from this video and it completely transformed the dynamic of our time together Then after we went our separate ways for the day I continued to receive more open communication with him in this one day than I have cumulatively received in almost6 years. I am genuinely stunned. Pleasantly and gratefully so. You have my deepest respect.

[@laremi3577]

This video is gold.

[@ksenialavrentieva9440]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so curious to give it a try! I already started to spiral down because of lack of cuddles and oxytocin between me and my partner, but this information you brought here gives a hope🙏🏼

[@AttachmentAdam]

You are so welcome! Please do try and let me know if this works for you two.

[@latchkeykidfilmsLLC]

You have NAILED it. I told my guy that I'm a "sapiosexual" and when he shuts down conversation that shuts down our bedroom chemistry. Just finding you and I love it here!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to have you here! Glad you found this helpful!

[@normanclatcher]

Gosh, yes... _starving_ for that Platonic bond.

[@maryammajdiyazdi2344]

You talk like attorneys but you give good information. It is clear, measurable and logical!! Thank you!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you, I appreciate that!

[@priscillaL83]

Lol the background setting and his suit. He even looks like a lawyer! That's awesome 👌🏻

[@MarsHoney]

I’m already doing a lot of these but I guess I gotta turn it up a notch 😈💯🔨

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's great that you're already implementing many of these strategies. Sometimes a little extra effort can make a significant difference!

[@AxelleAigner]

I cant wait to join the Attachment Circle.❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

We will love to have you with us! You’re welcome to email me at [e-mail] if you have any questions about the group before joining, I’m here to help.

[@thegoddesswithin8859]

I felt like I had the beginnings of this with someone I dated recently. We both spoke openly, me more so than him I think because he wasn't used to having his needs heard and acted upon inside of bedroom teamwork. He left anyway. Said he wasn't ready. Sigh... 🤷‍♀️

[@luarnastrahan343]

Thank you so much for this video

[@AttachmentAdam]

You are so welcome! What was the most helpful part?

[@evelyncasey3612]

This does work ..❤❤❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear that it worked for you ❤❤

[@MuscleBandit]

Thanks for this insight mate, I'll be sharing this with the next woman I'm able to securely attach to.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely. Are you working on your attachment at the moment?

[@MuscleBandit]

@@AttachmentAdam Sure am! I just recently realised I am avoidant which is a liberating realisation to have for the first time but I'm guessing that it's a subject to be broached later into a relationship as when us guys give too much away too soon we dry women out and get friendzoned!

[@Jellybeanwiggle]

I’m going to try this on the man I’m liking. I’ll come back, with an update. 🎉

[@AttachmentAdam]

How did it go??

[@ems68ss]

@attachmentadam Adam, I love your videos! You're the first person I have listened to that addresses the chemistry of relationships rather than just the feeling of emotions, this is huge for someone who gets exhausted shit feeling but still loves learning. I've been searching through all your work and havent been able to find anything on addressing past hurt that your partner has caused you by their actions or words. Is it something that needs to be brought up and how can I let it go and move forward? Why do avoidants sweep things under the rug and not want to acknowledge how their actions hurt others? If you do have a video on this topic, please steer me in the right direction, and if not, I would be so grateful if you would make one! Thanks again Adam for your wisdom and passion to understand and help others live fulfilling lives.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your feedback, it means a lot. Avoidants tend to do that with emotional conversations and confrontation, especially when they don't understand where it's coming from. I have designed a course specifically on avoidant attachment where I go in detail about their behavior, psyche, and even neurobiology, and I encourage you to check it out. It offers understanding, solutions, and practical strategies to overcome common issues in relationships with them.

[@dvash6231]

Thank you so much!!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely, happy to help! Which part of this did you find the most helpful?

[@lynettejohnson9051]

I learned to share my needs and desires to my partner is a fair and respectful way so he can solve a personal and specific task for me to feel appreciated helps the relationship grow in a positive direction. ❤😊 In the bedroom and in everyday relationship as well.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Love to hear this! How do you think he will respond?

[@lynettejohnson9051]

@@AttachmentAdam he used to respond very positively as our bond was getting stronger... but then he pulled away and now not communicating. I want to this relationship to work and lead to lifetime commitment but if he stopped communicating my hands are tied. He is being very avoidant and I am confused. 😥 my goal is for "us" to be most important. Willing to put in the hard work to make a relationship last.

[@jeninjersey7234]

I was amazed when I heard this because it made so much sense to me. It turns out that I was already doing some of these things.

[@inspired11]

Thank you ❤

[@thetravelfairy]

1. Hey I’m really close could you 2. Can you do this that will make me “Z” 3. I would really like this 4. Can we try that 5. Would you enjoy this 6. I am about to this can we do that 7. This will make me this

[@astroterra5021]

Gosh you are so clever!🎉🎉

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you! 😊 What was the most helpful part in this video?

[@tracyProverbs31]

I did this with the guy I dated for 5 years I didn’t realize he has a avoidant attachment he was young in his teens because we love having sex a lot we would have sex everywhere lol we broke up became i didn’t have this information he came back to-date again as much as I loved him it was too much stress and I didn’t understand him we reconnected 23 yrs later he found me and reached out and we are now both single and I have been praying and the lord revealed he is a avoidant and it has been a journey we did cause a-lot of damage to each other because of not understanding each other but I’m a secure attachment anyway thank you for the video it’s bringing us closer together no cheese burger he has ask me to be his wife now that I know this is my God ordained spouse “people perish for a lack of understanding”

[@fernfunk]

very informative! do you have any videos about men who are fearful avoidant/have disorganised attachment ? 🙏🏼

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you! Not yet, but I'm going to post one soon, so stay tuned.

[@edithamaliaioo2228]

Geeeezzz, I will listen to this twenty times 😅 until is a normal thought in my brain and will be able to manifest in my intimate moments :) yes, I am anxious sometimes :))) the rest of time I am secure 😅

[@tendaroni]

This actually explains the stag relationship… this clarifies a lot for me… definitely not a form of bonding I want to subscribe to

[@user-ju6yr8zs9o]

I'm just laughing like crazy rn! I'm a man and this video just made me understand how my brain actually works and not only in regards to sex. Still not sure, but very likely that this can be a life-changing video for me😂

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad to hear that the video resonated with you and provided valuable insights! What specific insights or realizations from the video do you think will have the most impact on your life?

[@DM-wv6to]

I believe we did this in the bedroom. However, he also consults a woman for his business. I think this working together with her is also releasing vasopressin. Which experience would be more bonding for him? Bearing in mind he does not chase sex and has ED. He probably sees her, more than he sees me.

[@kv_5238]

Interesting - no wonder I couldn’t shake off avoidant men for years. I didn’t know I was subconsciously releasing their vasopressin

[@AttachmentAdam]

And now that you know, what is the next steps?

[@rachelatkinson525]

So what do you do when you’re seeing each other weekly for a few months, having mutually mind blowing adult time and have always had deep emotional conversations, but he freaks and swears he has “no feelings” a few days later? Over and over… It’s a truly great time every time we hang out, and he acknowledges it’s never been like this with anyone else, but he’s fighting moving forward with everything he has. To be fair, I have noted him getting more physically affectionate recently. Forehead kisses, smoothing my hair, overall more and sweeter touching. It’s hard to know if I should just stop being vulnerable and protect my heart or keep the pace and see what happens. I do believe he’s worth the effort, but the “friends” texts are brutal on me.

[@gardeniabee]

Your emotional and mental health should take priority. ❤️

[@WayneZalinksy]

I was in a very similar situation. He’s using you.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

If you're hoping this will lead into something, you might want to call it a day. You're just going to get hurt in the end. You're meeting all of his needs. Why would he want to add the label?

[@rachelatkinson525]

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes We always want to think we’re the special one though don’t we? I was not. He is selfish and disrespectful.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

@@rachelatkinson525 honestly you could be. I truly believe they do care. I am a big advocate for protecting ourselves first though. What we want takes priority and if someone can't or won't meet those needs then we have to do what's best for our heart.

[@Dalabombana]

I’m not sure that women think men bond with oxytocin just because they believe they have same experience it’s literally what we are all usually told - ‘the cuddle hormone’.

[@paintingjazz]

ok.... saying "could you do x,y,z... etc" are good for building at the the beginning into the middle of the "experience" or for afterward, or for planning and coming up with ideas for next time.... but if I'm getting close and about to (um, I'm not going to get out of my body and head and have to say words which brings me back down to a 4, instead of edging at a 9. If I've said multiple times before what I need... then he needs to do that and keep going, or if I grab his hand/finger/head and move it slightly, he HAS TO do what I have indicated and listen to OBVIOUS sounds. Is this hard with quiet/prude/inexperienced women? yes. If a woman has given you instructions and has PHYSICALLY ADJUSTED you, DO IT.

[@kellymarien9329]

Had to listen at double speed Would be really helpful if you could give more practically applicable suggestions of vasopressin bonding communication... And maybe check out Dr. Gordon Neufeld and his attachment work...

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you, I appreciate your suggestions! I will definitely consider them for upcoming videos. What did you find most helpful about Dr. Gordon's work?

[@ewright1698]

How do you solve something as a team with an avoident man, if he is so use to figuring out/doing things on his own?

[@pagerumer3533]

I would try slowing down as you speak and I can take in what you’re saying a lot better. As a woman I need also, to feel your words and any not just hear them, so I resonate. I otherwise, feel as though I’m rushing to keep up as you as you do speak rather quickly. Great work!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for your suggestion, appreciate it and will keep it in mind for the future.

[@sonyacurti]

There's a setting on you tube that allows you to control at which speed you want to hear the person talk in the video. Teamwork makes the dreamwork. I'm deaf and wear hearing aids and it takes longer for me to process what people are saying and you were clear, concise and this was a timely video for me. Thank you!

[@user-qv3kn1bo5p]

Hi Adam , Can avoidant get back the oxytocin release after it got shutted down ?

[@01jvb]

Adam - please can you do a similar video about avoidant women. It would be really useful. Thanks.

[@ashleemarie8779]

I think he actually has one

[@tendaroni]

So this why it’s so important for men to have a cooperative mate?

[@riverchick23]

I've done all of this for several years, yet he remains obsessed with his phantom ex. She keeps breadcrumbing him, and it's ruining any bonding experience and forward progress we could have. He's very avoidant...he even admitted it...and he just cant move on from the toxic ex. I'm so sad about it, and am giving up now.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Breadcrumbing usually doesn't work on purely avoidant men. Is he fearful avoidant / disorganized type?

[@riverchick23]

Hmmm, I've noticed that he's dismissive avoidant with me, an anxious attacher, and yes, fearful avoidant with this phantom ex. Is this possible? She seems very avoidant as well, and her breadcrumbing makes him VERY angry. She hurt him a lot and he's always complaining about her, yet keeps going back. He says she reminds him of his controlling mom yet, and that I'm "an angel." Yet he repeatedly chooses that ex...this situation is a case study, I swear! 😅

[@riverchick23]

Also...she has been giving him a lot of attention lately, so my texts are being ignored. If he gets overwhelmed emotionally, he goes into total shutdown. It's so frustrating.

[@socol76]

@@AttachmentAdamif breadcrumbing doesn’t work on DAs, what does ?

[@lke4907]

​@riverchick23 you will never compare to the phantom ex. And the SECOND she becomes available to be in a relationship with him, he will leave you for her or cheat on you. So why put yourself through this. Even if she does stop texting him, she will always be in his mind. Do you want to deal with that the rest of your life? I think not.

[@bridgetbanwell3582]

I wish I knew this two years ago. I lost my avoidant guy 😢

[@vampy7966]

What about avoidant's with ED problems? I have no problem directing & partner follows through but I have to keep things interesting with toys & a lot of imagination... 😊

[@cosmopolitan4043]

These type of teamwork activities are very difficult to get an extreme independent to do. He prefers to do everything himself and gets annoyed if I try to help. And escape room would be very stressful for me as he would get very frustrated and want to just do it himself

[@natashat.2139]

I’m curious the effects of having sex early on in dating when it comes to vasopressin bonding. I’ve read and heard to wait until he’s committed to you to have sex, because he needs to build the vasopressin receptors. But what do we do if we’ve already had sex early on? Is there still hope that he can build a vasopressin bond and want comittment or is it too late? I don’t want to be viewed as a hamburger 😂🥲

[@travelwithayona5786]

My husband says he doesn’t have any connection with me. Apparently he never had a long term relationship and he is an avoidant. How can I build a connection with him?

[@robertarnold9978]

No, so what do you do if your wife is the avoidant and I am anxious how do we apply what you’re teaching in that type of a relationship?

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

Adam over here busting tons of women's insecurities and negative beliefs, one neurotransmitterr at a time. 😂

[@AttachmentAdam]

Just trying to get as many couples to understand each other as possible!

[@jdprettynails]

Actually this is increasing my insecurity because I can’t apply this

[@Vapourwear]

I’m having a difficult time finding the words to express just how despondent, it makes me feel that they were women asking this question about men, when I can’t even get my WIFE to sleep with me for the last nine months…

[@AttachmentAdam]

In my work as a couples therapist and now as a relationship coach, I’ve encountered a tremendous number of couples who only do it once a year. It’s always heartbreaking, but I will say that in my clinical experience there’s always something to be done to improve it. With just a few changes, I’ve helped most couples get up to three times a week. So if you want some help with this, I invite you to email me at [e-mail] and we can at least talk about some options for you. This can get so much better.

[@salviadivinorum6619]

I am a FA, and since I started working on my attachment style, my avoidant man has become more open and relaxed. But we had problems with sex for a long time, he always said that he didn't really like it because he felt my vulnerability, and everything is too sweet and emotional for him. It's like I'm becoming too weak in his eyes, which destroys all his desire. Last time I tried to explain to him that maybe he is afraid of something and sees things wrong. I was very surprised by his reaction, because he did not start a confrontation, but took it as an argument and tried to think about it. So, I'm very curious, do avoidants often openly dislike all these cute oxytocin things in bed and tender expressions of affection in relationships? So much so that they even try to avoid sex without showing any initiative. And how to overcome this?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Avoidants do tend to have a fear of intimacy and vulnerability. Feel free to email me at [e-mail] so we can discuss this more in private. I'll be happy to share resources and solutions that work best for you two.

[@HealthCoaching]

Yep, I understand, but this would make me feel used. I think I'll recommend a therapist for him first.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like you're prioritizing both your own feelings and his well-being. How do you plan to approach recommending a therapist to him?

[@CL-333]

I wonder if this is why some men will have multiple lovers. If anyone leaves him he wont be alone and that makes him feel safe.

[@karenbasinger5706]

I regularly play video games with an avoidant man I've been seeing for 7 months. We are on the same team in the game basically so were both trying to win. Is this vasopressin bonding and how long does it take for him to feel the bonding? Days, weeks, months? Ive been seeing him for 7 months and he still deactivates. I'm frustrated.

[@Angelboy24]

From the video it might be needing to do something else . Request and reward . Like I would like help from you to _______ and then being like wow thank you. You want to be his most trusted ally , and maybe video games don't translate well.

[@ClintLeClairMD]

Would you please do a version of this video for avoidant dismissive women, as well? Surely there is a difference, right?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for this suggestion, I will definitely keep it in mind for upcoming content.

[@Nicole7s3]

What’s the percentage of affairs that start at work again?? This all checks out.

[@carriersab8640]

How do you explain by the way that he makes me his best friend and sleeps whith other women

[@Sandra.B]

So basically this looks like one of the 5 languages of love which is "Acts of service", so make him do acts of service or favours of all sorts including the bed... Or are you referring more to tasks or goals achived together??

[@srikrishnavasanth3895]

anyone video on something to connect more with anxious women.

[@itsthetates.]

I'm a former anxious woman and could help ALOT. What questions do you have?

[@laurafurchtlehner7970]

❤👏

[@TheTarotStrategist]

Any connection with avoidant men forming relationships or having affairs with women with whom they work? As in, do they tend to do with more than other attachment types?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I've seen that at times, affairs with someone they vasopressin with through work. Very common. Have you seen that as well?

[@TheTarotStrategist]

@@AttachmentAdam I worked for 20 years in technology and with engineers and I did notice that working together to solve a problem would often "soften" their demeanor. Most of them were already married though and didn't have affairs that I could tell. Post the "me too" movement, workplace relations have likely lessened which is probably a bad thing for pair bonding.

[@AttachmentAdam]

All of this is good data and it matches what I've seen with clients and what research shows is happening. Did this process help you bond with anyone special?

[@riverchick23]

This happened to my avoidant, also an engineer. He became so obsessed with his engineer co-worker that he left his wife and family for her! It's been years and he still can't get over her, and it's prevented us from having a real relationship. I'm sure this was due to the vasopressin bonding.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like he's truly addicted there, which is more of an oxytocin issue usually. Is he disorganized style?

[@MKHall2014]

Doesn’t work when he refuses to follow through on goals you made together EXCEPT in the bedroom!

[@david9920]

Ben in 12 step program Spencer then or mentor as you would refer to him tout me without cooperation and caring about others including your self your primary relationship I think has to be with your self healing your self I have learned bringing the ability to meet others needs getting rid of the committee in your head and being truly authentic with another allow you to bond listen and communicate needs in the bedroom and office the washing machine you get the idea😁 .keep you living in this moment not the past or somday

[@dreamcatcherstar6966]

What's sad is that most women watch these videos, I 've read a lot about hormones , watched podcast that doesn't change the fact that man are mostly the same , they care less , take what they need. Some of them did work on themselves to make that change and commit. Stop think what men need and make yourself priority.

[@jayc342009]

I kinda disagree tbh, I find women are more likely to take and use.

[@floraaay7066]

My bf is a different breed so I’ll have to adjust accordingly 😂 (or maybe he’s just not being authentic)

[@Gengh13]

I'm watching this to know how they could try to manipulate and be prepared for it, yep I'm clearly avoidant.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Did you find this video helpful?

[@Gengh13]

@@AttachmentAdam yes, I haven't researched this subject in detail but this is something I will probably remember for the rest of my life.

[@dwd080376]

Our 30th anniversary just passed. He still just wants mindless fun. I was a virgjn (actually true) and he has me in the "saint" category and has flat out said he doesn't want to have to teach me anything. The last time we talked he asked me if i can be more emotionaless. At this point i figure im in a lose lose situation as he wont stop seeing whores. If your video does t work on him, im afraid i wasted 3 decades. But i will know for next time. Sorry this was so long, if you are still readin this "thanks"❤

[@chantelnicole5107]

My avoidant partner would just hear my requests for something like this as criticism. It wasn’t a fun problem for him to solve. It was just another way he wasn’t doing something right, as in…if I needed to ask for something different that means he’s doing something wrong. As a matter of fact the argument that he broke up with me was because I came to him (very calm and light hearted ) asking if we could try something new I thought would help me sexually. “Problem solving” was not fun or interesting to him, just stressed him out.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Please consider going through my new course together. It will really help! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ you can learn all about it here.

[@dream_on_sammi]

You might be able to do this with an avoidant man but this is much harder for an avoidant woman.

[@Mch0412]

Is there som non verbal ways except verbal to induce vasopresin? 😅

[@marcoronado2274]

Moan make noise but don’t fake it. Throw in a yes so easy. Relax a little more and you can get their hands and put them where you want it.. ask for a slap on the tush he’ll love that!

[@SK-no2pp]

Does anyone have any advice on how to get an avoidant man to meet in person. He seems comfortable calling and texting. He will breadcrumbs me by throwing out ideas and plans to meet but it never actually happens. I can’t talk on the phone endlessly. I want to see if we still have chemistry in person etc. we met 5 years ago!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there, I encourage you to send me an email at [e-mail] where we can talk about this in more detail. I'll share with you the strategies and practical steps you should take.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@AttachmentAdam is a single session with you $840?

[@user-bm5yk9zt5s]

Does it mean women should not focus on giving sexual satisfaction & avoid initiating sex but rather put that energy in vasopressin? 😮

[@jdprettynails]

I….can’t do this. I’m scared I’ve lost him….

[@Sunshineandrainbows234]

A massive thing you don’t touch on is…. Sexual polarity… most men I’d say 95% are feminine and 95% of women are masculine In 2024 As a feminine girl this turns me off completely no matter how much a man bonds to me and I’d bond to a man through oxytocin and vasopressin respectively

[@alice-hp7dh]

You're right! He told me that he feel affection but for him I am not enough feminine. I don't know if he meant not enough beautiful or other things but I had always done everything on my own because neither my brother or my dad never helped me in childhood. So maybe I become more masculine in attitude 😥

[@Yellowe-t3o]

What if after 4 months into the relationship this man is avoiding to even have sex?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Avoidants often struggle with intimacy and vulnerability in their relationships. Have you had an open, honest conversation about this with him?

[@sophiawebb7097]

What do you do with an avoidant attachment style man who might have a slight sex addiction ? In the past, I have always been more constructive about how he can make me climax as much as I can. Would this help heal a man who has a attachment to a quick dopamine experience? What if they can get competitive? I’m guessing that will be me needing to stay in my feminine essence and explaining vulnerably my needs and not coming off as dominant.

[@SkyePhoenix]

I've tried this, actually. He got spooked somehow and (I think) he sabotaged the connection. Or maybe, he just wasn't into me. I feel hurt and like a failure at relationships.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Why do you feel like a failure? Is this a cycle you're stuck in?

[@SkyePhoenix]

@AttachmentAdam It was a repetitive cycle with him for sure. I have an anxious avoidant attachment style. He brought out my anxious side.

[@robinharrison4902]

Do avoidant women have low ocytocine ?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Great question. The answer is yes, that's why a lot of people with avoidant attachment engage in dopamine seeking behaviors.

[@user-wz7is4os9c]

Seriously? Women don’t get this instinctively? Not one told me to do this… 😮❤😊

[@kiradomochi4961]

I do because I'm the same way lol

[@createa.googleaccount713]

Great video! Big Thank you. I'd like to like it, but asking a feminine woman, that's Feeling & receptive to switch over into her mind and start thinking of what to tell him is 🤯🥴🤪 Either she's Receptive or she's Masculine

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're most welcome. Do you believe women are incapable of doing that?

[@createa.googleaccount713]

@@AttachmentAdam I don't know about women? But I can speak for myself, Yes, I am incapable of talking during sex because I am Feeling Deep pleasure and to leave that state and enter into a mental thinking, speaking, communicating state is asking me to SLAM ON THE Breaks leave my true Natural Feminine State and leave it behind to enter into a board room full of mental master bation and explain & convey concepts such as turn right, go forward, now move faster, but not too fast, slow down...Have you ever had a Great full body message, where you're deeply relaxed and releasing the day & strife & the person giving the rub down interrupts and says " So tell me about the IRS Audit you're going through" 💥 And Breaks the spell. What do you think? I mean, sure if he's Not good in bed & you don't feel good, then It'd be easy to talk... take a left here ⬅️⬆️↗️➡️↘️⬇️☢🚸🚭📵🚰🛄🛅↩↔️↕️↪. If he's Not Feeling & He's Not Tuned into himself nor Her, and he's in His Head in his Ego, in His Mental State of mind trying to compete with some fantasy, as apposed to Completely Surrendering to the flow, the magic the rhythm aka as LOVE MAKING, Possibly the Art of Love Making is completely lost nowadays and it's all about performance acts 🎬 😉? What are your thoughts?