How to be the perfect partner friend and lover - attachment specialist Adam Lane smith explains

[@Yalokin_Stormrage]

You talked in an earlier interview about how to forgive oneself, so i tried it. I said loudly to myself before i went to bed"i forgive you for failing, and you will start over and make it up to yourself again". And it worked!! The next morning i felt so much lighter and revigorated. So thank you for your continued work to help us detached people gather our strength and become our better selves.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Excellent work. This is hard, but you faced your fear and did it. Well done. What’s your next step?

[@Yalokin_Stormrage]

@@AttachmentAdam I gotta have conversation with my gf about all this stuff. Which is the scariest, but best action going forward. If i just get the talk started, i believe i can get through it without bailing. It's that first step though.

[@rsn9394]

I tried this with my former partner. I told her I'm not leaving her and I'm here to stay. We both will make mistakes. We are all a little flawed & that's normal and okay. But if that happens, I will tell you if I feel something wrong and need you to do the same to me. And once we start speaking about it we can sort it out together. But this did not work. I told her a couple of times. But I guess some people are still so caught up in their patterns that whatever you say, they will not be able to break those patterns until they are willing to put in the effort. The best thing in my opinion, is to allow such a partner to leave if they wish and work on themselves. That's good for them, and for you. Being in such a state in the relationship, they cannot be in a proper mindframe to work on themselves. Sometimes they're just too far off the deep end. So taking time, space, bring their mind back to a parasympathetic state. So they can think clearly, be calm and work upon themselves is useful. Whether they do that or no, is not my responsibility. Its all up to them to work things out for themselves

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sadly you are right, some people are so far beyond cooperating that they won't respond to your honest love. It takes two to build a relationship together. Check for this compatibility from the very beginning and see if they can work with you, so you never go through this again. Do you know how to build that compatibility from the start?

[@rsn9394]

@@AttachmentAdam Can only hope she's left the relationship a tiny bit better than she came in. Hope i could help her. not sure how to check for this compatibility and cooperation from the start itself. Because I cannot judge it easily with other interactions. An avoidant attached person will be more comfortable and cooperative with people with who they have no commitment and they have space or a backdoor to leave. But will get uncomfortable cooperating in a committed relationship and will create a backdoor to leave in case things get close and they get afraid. So that's a tricky one. Not sure how to check for compatibility.

[@nightangel024]

Same here with my husband i have tried many times but he keeps shutting down and not allowing any one in

[@studentoflife7329]

I’ll love it if you made another harsh truths on the modern wisdom podcast because I feel like you are extremely knowledgeable

[@AttachmentAdam]

That sounds like fun. Let Chris know you’d like to see me on again. 👍

[@HellenofTroy897]

Me too. I feel like am hearing from an expert.

[@jennjohnson1870]

The most beautiful KZbin video I've ever watched. Thank you, Adam

[@AttachmentAdam]

So nice of you, Jenn. Glad you enjoyed it!

[@enochmuuo4709]

i am SO GLAD!! i stumbled upon this channel.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Welcome aboard! Stay tuned for lots more information on healthy relationships.

[@mainanteza3725]

You said it. I want to saturate my relationship with love.

[@AttachmentAdam]

The principles of healthy attachment will help you do exactly that. What’s your next step?

[@angelus_solus]

You inspired my very first Facebook post of today. "Unconditional positive regard. Wow. What a concept! What does it mean? It means you set your own ego to the side and unselfishly give genuine care to another person, even when they do something wrong, and be willing to work together and resolve issues when they come up. Now, that doesn't mean being obligated to overlook or accept such things as domestic violence or infidelity, but those are pretty extreme circumstances in themselves and not mainstream activity in an average relationship. It's also about showing a willing determination to objectively listen when they want to confide in you with what's going on with them, as well as having the same fortitude to being open and honest with them about what's going on with you. It also includes being willing to give considerate constructive criticism when something needs correcting and being willing to accept it when there's something about you that needs correcting. That...is love, and what is needed to sustain a healthy relationship; whether it be romantic, familial or brotherly/sisterly among friends." Did I get that right?

[@luminouscali]

So then philosophically the love is not unconditional right? My love is conditional and doesn’t tolerate abuse.

[@angelus_solus]

@@luminouscali No love is absolutely unconditional, or the person giving it would continue giving it no matter what anyone did to them. That person wouldn't have any self respect.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You nailed this 👍 Unconditional love doesn’t mean your love never changes. It may become guarded or concerned or hurt. But you choose to keep engaging in good faith for the benefit of both parties, not just yourself. It’s a refusal to hate or dehumanize the other. And it’s very hard. There’s a reason most religions hold this up as a model for perfect relationships.

[@angelus_solus]

@@AttachmentAdam Oh, good. I was hoping you'd approve of my synopsis.

[@HellenofTroy897]

This channel is really helping me grow. Thank you so much.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear this is helpful! What have you learned so far that stuck with you?

[@mainanteza3725]

Correct that... all my relationships

[@CharloCrossley]

Thanks so much for the great wisdom you shared today. Some of the things that you talked about really stung me, because I bury my needs my emotional needs. I have outward needs and I feel vulnerable and afraid I’m 71 years old. I’m a widow I had a wonderful boyfriend for a year, he’s 77 he pushed me away after having some of the most loving and caring shared times conversations attachment. I really felt like I couldn’t live without him and he pushed me away so I’m back in my old apartment with my son and I can’t get arrested. That relationship ended, but there was no resolve. There was just and he brought all my belongings back to me. I couldn’t go back to his house. I gave him his keys back so it’s over. But I’m not functioning in relationships that well. Your videos of helping me I’ll keep watching. Thank you. God bless you.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I am so sorry to hear this pain is ongoing for you. I have so many videos here for you to watch, please feel free to send me comments and questions as you go. I'd be happy to explain and give answers.

[@venusmeetsmarz734]

Glad I discovered your channel!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Welcome, I’m glad you’re here! Hit me with comments and questions as you go, I’m happy to help.

[@yuri_decaffeinated]

Adam, thank you very much for this from Moscow, Russia. Golden. Sending this video to all of my friends

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there, I'm glad this helped. Thanks for your support! Let me know what other topics you'd like to see covered for you and your friends.

[@adelg6698]

Adam I sent this video to my big brother, he has issues but he blows up and has real problems managing his anger. I don’t want to abandon him but he does not respect boundaries. He is scary angry, verbally abused my son and he has upset my younger brother the list goes on. He just does not seem to understand we do not want to tolerate his abusive manner. I hope this video helps him 💕

[@AttachmentAdam]

Dealing with a family member who struggles with anger and aggression can be incredibly challenging. It's wonderful that you want to help your brother. Were you able to establish boundaries and set expectations in a calm but clear way with him?

[@Wurzelbinder]

Good

[@Zwiebelkiller]

That is an absulutley amazing concept. Thank you so much!😍Im not sure if I have the courage to test this out with my work colleges😅

[@bettyjames4192]

Love this. What a gift you have my favorite teacher

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad to hear that you find the content valuable.

[@kamilavangorp1317]

Great video! Thank you Adam for your insight and sharing it with us. I find it incredibly valuable! ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your kind feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it! ❤

[@david9920]

Hi Adam I have watched miny of your videos can't help but add comments. I have been looking at the importance of attachment the youth of today needs attachments more than ever I am old hippy but with a defrent attitude towards the world then most of my generation. Have mine younger friends.thare is talk out their of the generation change the grate reset my main hope is that they take down the walls built up for so long. Talk to them about philosophy mostly some are young enough to be my grandchildren or even grat grandchildren. Love to take them and teach them servivl skills as thay will face challenges I can't even imagine

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like survival skills are a good idea - even if they don't need them, the confidence boost from having them could be super helpful

[@diannaantes5262]

❤ Thank YOU Adam!

[@Thekingsdota]

Just found your channel and wow!I have been seeking for ways to genuinely connect and build healthy relationships and I have looked far and wide and I’m glad to be here 😀

[@AttachmentAdam]

I am so glad you’re here! Enjoy the videos, leave me comments as you go, and if you decide you want to work together check out my private community. We’d be happy to have you!

[@Thekingsdota]

@@AttachmentAdam Thank you very much for responding 😀I’d like to know where the private community is I’m ready 🙏🏽

[@YWH723]

You’re describing Jesus ❤ Love never fails

[@AttachmentAdam]

Amen! ❤️

[@vernalequinox2890]

Hi Adam. I'm binge watching your videos, and I really like what you said about letting someone know what I want to help my partner figure out how to make me happy, and encouraging my partner to tell me what he wants as well so I'd be able to make him happy. I really like this idea so I told this to my mom, but she said that romantic relationships are not business transactions and I'll never find a husband that way. I value my mom's opinion a lot. And I was really sad when she said that. I have zero experience with romantic relationships so I can't confirm it for myself, and I don't know what to believe anymore. I wanted to subscribe to your discord group, but I'm still not sure whether it's for me or not. Can you help me figure this out? Thank you very much for these kind of contents. I'm learning a lot. More power to you!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hi there. Tell me a bit more. Your mother says marriages are not like building a business together. What was her suggestion instead? Is she in a happy marriage? Does she have a working model to teach you? These questions aren’t about undermining her, but about being realistic. If she’s happily married then she should have a model to teach you that works. If she’s not happily married, is it realistic to believe she holds the secrets to a happy marriage? I may also suggest speaking to men you know rather than women about this topic since you’re not trying to attract women. Find out if men like this approach.

[@vernalequinox2890]

@@AttachmentAdam My mother thinks that at the beginning, you're still feeling each other out, so telling the guy about these expectations that early would be too fast. She recommends to wait for like 3 to 6 months before having this talk, but I don't really agree with her about that because I think that one of the best ways to check compatibility is to talk about these expectations and goals; and I feel like it would be a major waste of time if I waited for 3 months and finding out that the person and I would not really suit. But my mother said that I would scare men away if I do that, and I could not help but think that maybe I would. Many men proposed to her back in her days, that's why I think that she has credibility. My parents are still together and are content with each other, but I would like to make my marriage better than what they have. I've always thought that after years of marriage, seeing your spouse as a brother or a sister would be inevitable and there's nothing you can do about that, but after watching your videos about oxytocin and vasopressin bondings, and how to optimize them to maintain the spark that you have with your partner, I found hope. I haven't asked my dad about this directly, but when we had a similar discussion, it seems that he agrees with my mom, saying-- we have a term in our mother tongue about this and I don't know the best translation, but it's similar to the story of the milkmaid who imagined what she would do after she sells her jug of milk and breaking the jug of milk because of her excitement. I'll make sure to find out what other men think about this, so I'd have more data and reference. I'm so happy that you took your time to read my comment and reply. Thank you so much! May God bless you more!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I definitely suggest getting more information from men and what they think of your more direct approach. As I've worked with hundreds of men over the years and talked with them, most of the men looking for commitment are glad when a woman is more direct about her goals. You can always give it a shot on your next date and see how he responds. Better than wasting months wondering if the person is a match for you or not.

[@na2072]

1/communicate 2/share your needs 3/open

[@Iamsimplyfree]

Carl Rogers ❤

[@bak6194]

So I have been with a broad array of men and I would say I'm fairly securely attached at this point. Maybe with some anxious however if I'm with a very very avoidant man I can become anxious but I have tried this whole unconditional love approach and it's been just my experience that men don't value what They don't earn and maybe I've given of myself to freely and compromised my boundaries And that's why this type of thing has not worked for me or maybe those men were just to avoid it but I'm in my forties and that is pretty much all that's left although I have went out with guys quite a bit younger than me apparently there's a market for older women I had no idea lol But I have studied attachment and about a dozen other modalities and been through so much therapy my life I should be able to do a relationship behind my back. I have no problem getting dates I suppose I'm kind of picky but I do know if somebody said this to me it would be wonderful

[@AttachmentAdam]

Remember the importance of setting boundaries and finding a balance between giving and receiving. While unconditional love is valuable, it's essential to ensure your needs are met and you're not compromising your boundaries.

[@bak6194]

@@AttachmentAdam I agree... I do think that this grey area is where I fall short. I just found you yesterday and definitely appreciate hearing everything you have to say especially the male point of view. It's also helpful when dealing with my son.

[@melissaleigh3013]

Thanks so much for this vid Adam

[@AttachmentAdam]

My pleasure

[@absolute3112]

Wish I saw this before expressing (to someone who clearly had the hots for me) how I 'appreciated' my crush, they ignored the message ..and pretty much went ghost.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Oh no! What do you wish you had said instead?

[@cadaverousvixen6677]

Hey can you do a video about people who have a friends with benefits type of relationship too?

[@AttachmentAdam]

What would you like to me to talk about specifically?

[@cadaverousvixen6677]

@@AttachmentAdam if vasopressin bonding is still effective in that too

[@monikaleszko5343]

Adam. What does it mean when a man says “ you’re too nice to me”?

[@Cmartgeek]

Okay, so I’ve asked him time and time again what I can do to help him and he just says “nothing” cause he says I already do so much for him that I don’t need one more thing in my plate… he has a really hard time offering an onion on what to eat for dinner or expressing anything he wants. Hope do I bond when he blocks all my attempts to bond?

[@laizerwoolf]

It doesnt work if your partner is dismissive avoidant. Gauge his interest in you and mirror it slightly more. If he becomes too distant time to move on. You can only give love to a person who are ready to receive it, giving it too much too early with no reason will alarm some people.

[@BadMotivator66]

your work is great, but your title needs commas! 'perfect partner, friend and lover'. otherwise it's all one phrase

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for looking out. 👍

[@domitorid177]

Commas are overrated

[@laizerwoolf]

I have to disagree with this one, this is unnecessarily risky. It will only work if : 1. You both are securely attached 2. Your partner have high interest 3. Willing to cooperate Sure it will weed out most of the toxic partners, but it will also weed out mildly interested but have problematic attachment. I will go on a more traditonal route of dating, finding out about the person, and seeing if we're compatible. Even if we're not compatible there is some experience and learning to get from there which will be valuable if a better fit comes to the future. But I do agree if out of those weeded out survive the method, they would be a perfect fit for the future relationship.

[@dawnclark1103]

❤️

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there, glad you enjoyed watching this!

[@yifatcarmi3380]

Does it work with a diagnosed narcissist?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Often no, because they are less likely to work with you and have empathy, so this might be very hard.

[@philiptravis9971]

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