How to heal your marriage after an affair - with Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith.

How do you rebuild trust after an affair? Do you even want to? When Adam Lane Smith worked as a marriage therapist, affairs were a top 5 reason couples came in for help. Many believed there was no way to get better. Now as an attachment specialist, Adam presents his years of experience treating couples who experience infidelity and how to best repair the damage. And not just get back to trusting each other like the affair never happened, but build a strong new marriage that improves on the first and allows no room for an affair to happen ever again.
If you've been cheated on, or if you're the cheating partner, you probably have questions. Why did this happen? What caused our marriage to get this bad? Is this ever going to get better? Should we get a divorce? Infidelity, both physical and emotional, can be devastating to both parties. Without blaming one side or the other for the whole issue, Adam Lane Smith presents a framework for couples to come back from an affair and build a stronger marriage than they had before. Because it's not enough to barely tolerate each other. If you want to stay together and make your marriage work, you need to rebuild it from the ground up to be healthier, happier, and more secure against affairs in the future.
This video is part of an ongoing series about attachment.
Cheating, affairs, infidelity. All words to describe a betrayal of trust. But many times, the partner who goes outside the relationship is just as surprised and hurt as the partner who got cheated on. The cycle of anger and questions burns them both out. If you don't know how to repair the damage, you circle in the rubble until you want to quit. But there's a way through this. By rebuilding trust, improving communication, changing the marriage attachment, and developing a healthier bond, the couple can come back from an affair to be stronger than they were before. Attachment specialist Adam Lane Smith can show you how.
#Attachment #AttachmentSpecialist #AttachmentTheory #AdamLaneSmith
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[@DonnaLewis-q3i]

You don’t know how much I needed to watch this. It feels like this video was made for me. My partner and I broke up three months ago after four years together, and I’ve been struggling to find a way to move forward.

[@AnnieHassett]

I completely understand. When my boyfriend left me after eight years together, I was lost and didn’t know how to pick up the pieces. That was until I found Father Akabu.

[@DonnaLewis-q3i]

Father Akabu? I’ve never heard of him, how did he help you?

[@AnnieHassett]

He’s a spiritualist who works on restoring relationships. He gave me the clarity and support I needed, and he even helped bring us back together.

[@DonnaLewis-q3i]

Thank you so much for sharing, I just looked him up, and what I see is interesting. I feel like this is exactly what I’ve been needing.

[@susanstewart5194]

Affairs happen and a marriage can be mended. But it will not be forgotten and their will always be some doubt in the back of the mind.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Unless it’s fixed correctly, yes.

[@MarkSummers-g2n]

How about finding a new partner since the old partner has a Split personality

[@GracieDontPlayDat]

@@MarkSummers-g2n. Yes. Some people get this from corn. People need Christ, and those who deny Him are turned over to reprobate minds.

[@ac27934]

I just read the title as “How to heal your marriage (after an affair with Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith)” 😂

[@AttachmentAdam]

Talk about drumming up business. 🤣

[@mysticmama_3692]

Lol...me too. I needed that giggle.

[@calebhelmuth]

😂😂😂😂​@@AttachmentAdam

[@texazwhyte2791]

😂😂

[@generalgen1542]

This comment is underrated 😂 made my morning

[@shellyrenae5476]

Wow this guy knows exactly what he's talking about!!!! This is exactly how I feel right now

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you! What resonated the most?

[@amycrandell]

2 or 3 weeks is not nearly enough time. Most people are still numb at that stage. 18 to 24 months is average. 3 to 5 years for many to experience healing.

[@mallorystewart6125]

One of the best video on this issue I've seen. And I've seen a lot

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to hear it! Which part resonated or stood out to you the most?

[@mallorystewart6125]

@@AttachmentAdam all.

[@jimobrien6903]

Yeah you're really nailing everything on the head. My wife cheated on me and I discovered her affairs over 3 1/2 years ago. We've been experiencing all that you mention

[@AttachmentAdam]

I’m really sorry you’ve been going through this. I'm here for you - if you want to connect with me directly, you can reach me through [e-mail] How are you holding up through all of this?

[@MtuckerGoBlue]

So, what do I do when my wife's policy is basically her promising it'll never happen again, love bombing me to make up for it when she senses I'm hurting, but refusing to talk about it? About 6 years since her two-year string of emotional affairs and now she just goes about like life things are completely normal and I'm the crazy one for still hurting...

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm truly sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing in your relationship. If you're open to it, I'd encourage you to consider seeking professional guidance and support to navigate through this tough time. Please feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail] for further assistance and guidance. Remember, taking steps towards resolving these issues can lead to healing and growth for both you and your wife.

[@bryanbasse8687]

@MtuckerGoBlue I'm there now. One month from d day. My wife had emotional / sexual affair. She is love bombing me now. I just wanna RUN

[@jimobrien6903]

I am right there with you. I'm over 3 1/2 years since discovering my wifes cheating and affairs. She's doing most things right to help but yes the love bombing and not talking about it is spot on for me as well! I'm also having a real tough time getting over the lies and hiding everything. Without a doubt it's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life.

[@MtuckerGoBlue]

@@jimobrien6903 Sorry to know you are going through this. Hang in there and don't rely on her as a source of happiness. Find your own source of joy and fulfillment.

[@yobi8213]

@@bryanbasse8687 how is it going?

[@ashanamulawa2001]

Thanks for such informative podcast

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad you found the podcast informative. If you have any more questions or topics you'd like me to cover, feel free to let me know!

[@Lala23jj]

Great video!

[@allib9742]

I had an affair and live with regret. I regret having gotten married in the 1st place. But, now I am still married and, just like u said "waiting to die".

[@vanessaclausen1578]

Adam, I understand this was two years ago when you put this video out. Wow, I think my wife and I really missed out on some important bullet points. I thought what you had to say was so on point I wished it was longer. We'd like to figure out if our marriage is worth saving. I've been completely horrible to my wife and she's put up with me, the saint. I'll look for more of your clips.

[@NahJustthinkaboutit]

Damn, I feel like I’m reading a comment if my own. How’s it been going? I’m in the same situation at the moment only I do want to be with my wife but she completely hates me.

[@Gotoworkkk]

Wife?

[@marioride2447]

Thank you so much. 🇵🇹

[@JamboNo1]

This is untrue, People Make mistakes and things can go back to normal if not even better.

[@amycrandell]

Would you do a video like this but for healing after discovery of sexual addiction? Typical affair recovery methods don't work for us especially because its not about the marriage as he brought his addiction into the marriage i.e. the addiction pre-dates our relationship.

[@tloo5649]

If your principals have been loyalty to your spouse and he cheats on you, how do you recover from that? How do you respect yourself if you take them back?

[@AttachmentAdam]

This is a great question, and I handle this a lot in my coaching sessions. I’ve worked with so many people who’ve been cheated on and don’t know how to forgive or move past it, and they aren’t sure how to make sure it doesn’t happen again. If you want to talk about all of these things, schedule a session with me and I can show you personally how to stay safe and figure out what you want to do. calendly.com/adamlanesmith/individual-attachment-consult

[@djeson214]

@@AttachmentAdam the link doesn’t work

[@Gotoworkkk]

@@tloo5649 you simply cannot. Time for a divorce.

[@maxsteven2659]

Can I get some good audiobooks on attachment evolutionary psychology and any other subjects that are good for a happy life

[@AttachmentAdam]

I’ve got two on Amazon 🤣 but Frans de Waal is usually a good read.

[@franciscaregiste2693]

I agree with what you’re saying. What if the hurt partner does not think they need counseling for the issues but you’re still fighting. Should you, the person that had the affair, leave? You’re doing everything the hurt partner asked for and it’s still not enough. They went and had an affair out of revenge so they could hurt you the way they felt you hurt them. 2 years of everyday arguing and then you still cheat. Please help me to understand. Is it still worth saving. I am still her fighting by myself. It feels like we stay in the beginning of him finding out.

[@kirbycairo]

I continue to be baffled by why people think marriages can survive ( in any meaningful way) after infidelity. Admittedly, reliable stats are hard to find, but an extensive look through everything I could find suggests that a very small number of marriages survive, and almost none continue for more than a few years. And there appear to be no stats of consequence that give a good picture of the quality of a marriage a few years out from D-day. But I find it very difficult to imagine that more than a couple marriages out of a hundred are solid and strong (and really happy) a few years down the line. If that happens to you, good luck by all means, but it seems that it's really just throwing good money after bad. Peace to all

[@mangalam_mandiram]

❤️🙏🏻 thank you

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for watching, glad this one was useful. Most people don't know how to come back from such a breach in trust. Having a clear pathway like this makes it easier for people to see if they can and should put in the work.

[@Dperfater]

What if the affair was 3-4 years ago. You no longer fight and actually have a very good relationship but it’s just not romantic at all. My husband had an affair that I BEGGED him to end and he didn’t - for a year. I stayed for the whole thing. I really feel I’m past it and no longer want to talk about it BUT we have kids. How do you end it with someone and keep your kids mental health intact??

[@AttachmentAdam]

I've worked with people in this exact situation before, and it can feel hopeless. Let me encourage you: It's not hopeless. You have a number of options to explore. Send me a message at [e-mail] and let's talk about what you can do to get unstuck and keep your kids healthy.

[@Gotoworkkk]

You sound like a doormat to me. It’s time to move on.

[@Dperfater]

@ I posted this question two years ago. Your deep thought out intellectual response was so brilliant and moving how could I ignore such intelligence?!! Women must be climbing fences to get to you. UPDATE It ended peacefully.. my kids handled okay …which was what my question pertained to.. specifically the mental health of my children when I ended. BUT THANK YOU FOR EDUCATING ME ON DOORMATS. YOU MUST MAKE THEM FOR A LIVING 😅😅😅

[@AurelijaClavadetscher]

But if we started to work on relationships and seems all got better . And I find out that he had female at our home without my permission when I was not at home. It’s makes me feel again hurt. That he thinks if it’s all ok he can again do anything he wants

[@DoritoWorldOrder]

If the recovery process doesn't go beyond the restitution phase and whatever is necessary to restore trust, on into the territory of the perpetrating party being able to ultimately get some kind of genuine visibility and understanding for the unmet needs that drove them to take the opportunity to get those needs met elsewhere, then no healing has taken place. Far too many people who succumbed in one moment of weakness to the attention and affection they weren't getting at home end up submitting themselves to a relationship that is then predicated upon them agreeing to sit on those same unmet needs in perpetuity.

[@MsKasiulenka]

Should the partner move out in case of infidelity if both parties are looking to heal.

[@chriskotwicki5827]

Wow this was insightful

[@AttachmentAdam]

So glad you found it helpful!

[@monicazepeda988]

Hi I’m a new subscriber, I love your content. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. I watched this video and now How do you start the process to find one’s emotional attachment? Do you have a video for that?

[@AttachmentAdam]

@monicazepeda988: Thank you for subscribing and enjoying the content. I do have resources on attachment styles that can provide more insight and guidance. Here is youtube video about it, but you can also DM me for resources: kzbin.info/www/bejne/aWacZ3SCnbqWnbc

[@jonwander1186]

Out of curiosity, why do you think it is affairs are more common in the upper classes?

[@AttachmentAdam]

If I had to guess, a combination of factors including more opportunities. Look at rich dudes.

[@acoupleofgsanrandaneaniandann]

Perhaps fear of financial instability is what stops more people cheating. Sharing bills is much easier. So the rich have a safety net and dont need to rely on partnerships the same way.

[@ChrissieLatham-w2c]

@@AttachmentAdam true, my husband had an affair with a much younger woman. She was only interested in his money. She inflated his ego, made him feel like a king, and he lost all reason. We were married for 34 and a half years when it happened, he never ever had an affair on me before, he is just not that kind. It would never have happened if she, the whore, didn't make the first move. I hate that woman with a passion.

[@edielove1350]

How do you heal your attachment wound if they leave you for the affair partner?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I help people recover from that every day in my coaching, it’s such a severe wound. How do you feel about scheduling a session with me so I can show you how to fix this so it doesn’t haunt you anymore? calendly.com/adamlanesmith/individual-attachment-consult

[@JayJay-ii5un]

If the woman cheats its over. She will never truly respect him again.

[@nyxfit]

what about in long distance relationship?

[@marioride2447]

Sorry. Long distance relationships don't last. Maybe 2%. Sorry.

[@Gotoworkkk]

Long distance rate relationships are a waste of time.

[@melissafoster9701]

I could never bring up a problem without him getting angry yet he cheated Was I just supposed to take him abandoning me for a week at a time to drink with the guys and lying and not bring up how it was hurting me and maybe he wouldn't have cheated? 10 years of him doing that and me trying to discuss it so it would stop. Wanted him to go to rehab. Too much to ask just dump me like trash again. Is he a psychopath?

[@Gotoworkkk]

The songs you stay with him he will be walking all over you like a doormat. Do you want to live like that?

[@MarioGonzalez-bv9hp]

I really need help

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey Mario. Happy to help! Please email me at [e-mail] so I could offer you some guidance.

[@Steve-hs5le]

BS you can never trust a cheater. Cheating is a decision. Not just choosing what you want to have for lunch.

[@AttachmentAdam]

What are your thoughts on couples who are able to repair trust and move into a more secure relationship?

[@amnamalik904]

@@AttachmentAdam the recovery percentage is literally 16% even ppl also regret about their choices being with cheaters literally 1 out of 10 couple survive and Only two people manage to recover by sheer luck . I'm talking about on the basis of statics and ppls own stories, I had rary see happy couple on internet after infidelity

[@marcusmagnificus1984]

​@@AttachmentAdamIf I am in this situation, I will need a break to let off steam. I will sleep around. Then come back after a month or two and tell my wayward partner what I've done and tell him or her I'm willing to give our relationship another try. Now the playing field is even. Let's see if the wayward spouse is still willing to do the thing you called "work" if they've been given a taste of their own medicine.

[@mark.e.p]

My wife had an affair, then cut it off after l found out. Then, after 2 years, he was in contact again. She saw him a few times. This time he throw his cards on the table. Said he loved her, she was gorgeous, best thing ever etc..He was tactile, l'm not. I don't believe in paying endless compliments and smothering my wife. My wife's father left when she was 11 years old. Work it out. She's decided again to be with me. Am l the mug? I'm not broken and a strong man. When is enough enough?

[@AttachmentAdam]

That sounds like a complex situation to be in. To be brutally honest, enough is enough when you decide it is. Will you be able to repair your relationship and forgive? Do you believe your wife is willing to address her core wounds and attachment issues to repair the relationship is well?

[@mallorystewart6125]

Not tactile, don't believe in paying compliments and smothering. It seems to me to read my husband. But in my case, he's the one who betrayed. His reasons to cheat was simply that he believed to have as a man, more rights to fulfill his needs than a woman. He'd never say this but it is what it is. Since that woman destroyed his life to the point that he ended up hating her, I hope he's reconsidered his belief on "male rights". His male rights haven't helped so much in having a better and happier lyfe.

[@marioride2447]

​@@mallorystewart6125but its not ended yet. And needs are the number one factor of a person to cheat.

[@Melody9616]

So even with affairs everything comes down to attachement. And if you can't afford the attachement specialist (and your partner is not englisch-speaking) what than?

[@AttachmentAdam]

The best place to begin is working on your own attachment first. I have a book on Amazon that has all the answers for fixing anxious attachment, could you begin there? It’s called slaying your fear.

[@solagratia7998]

How do you fix the lack of attachment to your when the reason is that you never felt emotionally safe for 29 years. Then on your 30th year, your husband discloses an emotional infidelity that lasted a year. You want to rebuild but your husband still has feelings for the woman.

[@LavaCreeperPeople]

It is literally irreparable lmao

[@MarkSummers-g2n]

Castration does come to mind

[@marcusmagnificus1984]

How do you go back in a relationship after an affair? You don't. Cut loss and move on.

[@NahJustthinkaboutit]

Even if you have children? Who would want their parents together instead of separated?

[@marcusmagnificus1984]

@@NahJustthinkaboutit Generally, I wouldn't recommend staying together. But if the wayward spouse is genuinely remorseful, does change wholeheartedly, does the bloody work of regaining the trust of the betrayed spouse, and most importantly doesn't betray the spouse ever again, then I think the relationship can still be mended. If there is resentment between the spouses and they stay together under one roof, it's gonna be like living hell for the children. I'd rather opt for co-parenting in that case.

[@ReneeFourman-redalmondbeauty88]

@@marcusmagnificus1984 Agree. The betrayed spouse should ask themselves if they can show grace, mercy, and encouragement to the truely remorseful spouse. Grace doesnt equal forgiveness, mercy doesnt equal forgiveness, but encouragement says, " I love you, I know you tucked up, I see you and I am proud of the work that you are doing to fix our situation, please don't give up amd dont stop, because I too, see a better future together." The unfaithful spouse needs encouragement like a marathon runner needs water. The truely remorseful spouse will drink and keep on the path.

[@marcusmagnificus1984]

@@ReneeFourman-redalmondbeauty88 So what if they cheat on you again?

[@ReneeFourman-redalmondbeauty88]

​@marcusmagnificus1984, if the cheater broke the established rules of the relationship, then yes. I would say it is over. I say established rules because sometimes the rules can change on a whim by the betrayed. That is not fair. If the rules are ambiguous and not communicated, then I would look at the intention of the person and the situation. For example- if someone took advantage of the cheater through rape or coercion, then to me that is not betrayal of the relationship and hopefully their partner stays. The cheater should get professional help though in either case.

[@Mikkall]

The only way to heal a marriage after an affair, is to end the marriage. ONLY then, is the marriage "healed". Period. Remaining in such a marriage is acquiescing to carrying the burden of deceit & betrayal like a very easily re-opened wound for the rest of your life. If you stay together another 60 years, your wayward spouse will STILL be the person to knowingly chose to hand you a lifetime of pain. End the marriage and find someone worthy of your love.

[@marcusmagnificus1984]

This is the best answer. Forgiveness and moving on can coexist.

[@LivingEpistles444]

Sorry, but you are wrong. My wife and I are living proof. I understand this might be true in some cases, but for alot ofpeople that are able, they can and will fall back in love.

[@marcusmagnificus1984]

@@LivingEpistles444 If your wife cheats on you, begs for your forgiveness and promises to never do it again, would you reconcile?

[@Mikkall]

@@LivingEpistles444 Good for you. In my case, hindsight is 20/20. Once my 1st (Wayward) wife passed (over a decade later), I was shocked to find how good life is without having to face my betrayer every single day. You don't know until you know.

[@LivingEpistles444]

@Mikkall I'm sorry you have been hurt so deeply. I see your desire to know someone and to be fully known by them.. only a spouse can be that for us. I feel as though you didn't get that because we are all broken people. I feel at least in part, your pain. It actually makes me sad, and I'm sure you don't want someone to pitty you. But you do deserve that, to be fully known and not have to worry if this person will betray you. I'm sorry that happened to you and don't blame you for how that makes you feel. I would probably feel the same way. But I was wayward to my wife, she pursued me regardless. Now we are finally reaching depths of love that I didn't know was possible. And I have realized that we all need that, and if we don't recieve that it will have deleterious effects. I hope you find that one day.

[@melissafoster9701]

She lives behind liquor store so he just moved in so alcohol was the factor. She was obese. He blocked me the entire 70 days he lived with her then moved back in saying he was drunk entire time

[@kathyburns7203]

My husband has cheated at least 3 times that I know of, has a porn addiction, posted nude photos of himself on the internet. He’s gone to counseling and says he’s got his crap together and thinks everything should be fine. But it’s not ok for me to say I’m not fine.😢

[@AttachmentAdam]

This sounds like a horrible situation, and I'm sorry he's been putting you through this. Have you checked out my book Exhausted Wives, Bewildered Husbands which lays out the clear method he must follow to build a secure relationship, including overcoming all of his own damaging behaviors and providing you with proof of his internal transformation? That book may be eye-opening for both of you and could establish a clear guideline he needs to follow so the pressure is not left on you to define when you're going to "let things go".

[@husbandslockerroom4041]

@mark.e.p pray things work out. No need to smother but what is her love language and does she know yours? If she wants to stay married she needs to cut off the other “boy”. A real man would respect the marriage.

[@DispIeasedDog]

Mine has spent two years having secret affairs and plotting to get rid of me. Now we are six months out from me finding out and being kicked out and now she wants to reconcile. I want my old life back but she has done everything from moving one of the men in to replace me, told everyone we know I raped her, as well as withholding our children and even threw my pet turtle out. I just want to be able to believe that she isn’t just manipulating me to get out from under her new man because he doesn’t trust her since their relationship started under my nose. I am at a complete loss but want it fixed…

[@AttachmentAdam]

That seems like a very frustrating experience to say the least. I would like to learn more about what happened to give you the best resources to fix this specific situation. Feel free to send me an email at [e-mail] so we can chat privately and get started on getting you where you want to be.

[@torib8321]

@@DispIeasedDog flip!! She does not deserve you!! Seriously she sounds like a narcissist. I hope that you have the strength to resist her and do not let her abuse you anymore.