Attention Seeking Behavior in BPD

Attention Seeking Behavior in BPD
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
shorturl.at/bxB05
Order The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Fox:
In English: goo.gl/LQEgy1
In Spanish: tinyurl.com/55...
In Polish: tinyurl.com/np...
In this video, we’re going to focus on attention-seeking behaviors, but also the paradox that a disorder that seeks and benefits from appropriate attention, shouldn’t get it, which will somehow teach them to not engage in attention-seeking maladaptive behaviors. Let's break the myth and explore attention-seeking behaviors in those with BPD.
Maladaptive attention-seeking behaviors can include:
1. Saying provocative or rude things to elicit a reaction, even a negative or hostile one.
2. Purposely annoying others starting fights.
3. Exhibiting learned helplessness, which is saying they cannot carry out a task to change a negative situation but they have the ability to do so.
4. Often posting one’s troubles on social media and embellishing the severity.
5. Self-harming threats, gestures, or behaviors
6. Being inappropriately flirtatious or engaging in inappropriate sexual displays.
Many, including some mental health providers, hold the view that starving the individual with BPD of attention will “teach” them to not engage in behaviors to get attention. This just doesn’t make sense, and it doesn’t work. All human beings need some form and degree of attention, when starved, individuals act out - BPD or not. This is not to say that all attention-seeking behaviors should be attended to, but if you know someone with BPD who engages in attention-seeking behaviors, ostracizing them is not going to help the issue, it will inflame it.
Many individuals with BPD grew up in attention neglectful environments, whether this was by family, friends, or other types of environments. This cold shoulder tactic is not going to teach the person with BPD a lesson, but justify their core content, inner critic, and will encourage maladaptive beliefs, behaviors, and patterns. You have to engage in an adaptive and suitable manner, which can sometimes be very difficult.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
rb.gy/hdyqyy
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: tinyurl.com/2a...
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
KZbin: / drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Dr. Fox’s Blog: www.psychology...
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
Videos edited by Emil Christopher: [e-mail]
Animation by sirak @sirakoart (IG)
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.

[@kichan3353]

I hate having bpd i just want to feel normal, its like having emotional cancer.

[@reemayman6933]

Wow you said what I’ve always wanted to say

[@BurningBlackScarlet]

I've been diagnosed for a handful of years now and I've come to accept my BPD in a way that makes things more bearable. Radical acceptance is the best way to get through this. We'll never be "normal", and that's okay. There will be people in your life who love and accept you, even when you don't think you can. You can get through this.

[@melodi996]

That's an illusion, you need to be yourself and save everything but what actually hurts your life. No good in being "normal" and I never met a person like that.

[@Flowerchild26]

It’s lonely

[@milkchclt4u]

Wow.. you definitely hit the mail on the head. That’s exactly what it feels like 😳

[@lexandorseda]

Emphasis on step one: never help someone with BPD if your emotions aren’t in check. 🤐Your negative emotions are fuel for our breakdowns and we’ll consume them and feed the fire. 🤯 I always tell my boyfriend I’d rather have him completely ignore me when I’m being difficult instead of getting mad at me, panicking, or taking it personal and feeling bad. Instead walk away until you can handle your emotions and only then are you strong enough to help the diffusion. Thanks so much for this video! I struggle with the topic occasionally and it’s always good to have a reminder of how to handle it from my perspective but also the other person’s

[@РенатаДаминова-т2о]

That Also most of us have already learned that not seeing a person for a while doesn't mean abandonment, but when the person is cold or looks annoyed with us, it's harder to imagine that they actually care

[@helRAEzzzer]

I'd PANIC and get more set off if I just get ignored. I at least need to be told, "I will be back later to talk," or something first. My abandonment fears are WAAAAAYYYY too intense for this to work with my craziness without some indicator to their motive for walking away. I've straight up driven 45min to just scream at my mother for turning off her phone without warning. I'm the type of person that does better with, at least, warning that space is needed or a "f*ck you, I love you" style screaming match turned civil conversation. Despite logically understanding that I'm not likely being abandoned most of the time, I've had too many loved ones actually just leave like this and too many abusers use this to gaslight me and avoid any blame for their wrongdoings.

[@justjess6636]

See, I don't Luke being ignored at all, but I also hate my husband blowing up on my. I've been ignored and put in the back for my whole life. How is this my fault?

[@tarantiae]

Thank you for your very wise advice! I appreciate it a lot, because I am a sister, daughter and former partner of people with borderline or borderline traits / emotional instability. This is the way to go: I need to take care of myself when I react strongly to being attacked or accused of malicious intent, and come back only when I am calm and can think clearly. You can not help anyone else when you yourself are in chaos. This applies to all of us, whether we have emotional instability or not.

[@TerryGuzmanMartinez]

@@tarantiae Wise advice.

[@judyh3707]

I'm aware of attention seeking behavior in myself, so I have a checklist of things that are okay to do. Sometimes I text emojis to my partner (words have more potential to be hurtful) to convey that I'm feeling anxious about being alone, and then I distract myself until I get a response. We have to be self aware of how we feel, and understand that our loved ones have only so much time in a day (the same as us, how strange).

[@judyh3707]

@@shahilagh no, that is a fallacy that is caused by irrational fear of abandonment. What you've said is the very nature and embodiment of BPD and its IRRATIONAL fear of abandonment. Your loved ones should not bend over backwards to prove their commitment and love to you; that's what its meant by when they say loved ones feel like they are walking on eggshells.

[@WhyreRein]

We people with BPD are just need to be secure with crystal-clearly communication. No need promises that don't intend to keep. Thank you for another compassionate, understanding video, Dr. Fox.

[@Jestrath]

Absolutely yes! My wife and I have a pact to pretty much communicate about everything. Clear communication is probably one of thee most important things for me. I don't want to emotionally spiral when end up reading too much into what is in between the lines. If there is anything bothering either of us at all we have to voice it. Don't make promises unless you know you can keep them. I hold myself and others to that.

[@mathews0618]

While they lie and manipulate. Have double standards. "Hey i have bpd. You give give give and i take take take with the hopes that we have 2 consecutive days that are NORMAL"

[@raider3c3k]

I think the thing that people with BPD want the most is to be understood and this feels so accurate and true. Thank you for what you do.

[@Jestrath]

I've always felt the burning need to get people to understand me. Part of it is a lot of over sharing and trauma dumping I think

[@anamorrissey9674]

I have bpd and that is very true!

[@raider3c3k]

@@Jestrath Yes. I can relate❤️

[@raider3c3k]

@@anamorrissey9674 ❤️

[@christielee1840]

@@Jestrath so true

[@DD-jm5ug]

Wow I used to be a nightmare in the past. But I've worked hard on self love and belief that I'm ok on my own and don't rely on another for my happiness. It's taken me most of my life, I'm 44 and tbh I'm still working on myself. The length of time between BPD moments within my relationship is getting longer. It is hard work but it can happen 💪

[@morgannights76]

And as a BPD person it’s important to be responsible and remind yourself that other people can be busy, doesn’t mean they don’t love us, and know that we will see them again soon because they love us (: then continue on with doing things, because we deserve to enrich our experience! Value your experience (: as soon as negative thoughts start, turn them around and then immediately immerse yourself in something you love. We must be responsible for enriching our own experience

[@samjubran7315]

Beautifully said. Knowing and attending to yourself and your own needs by immersing yourself in what you love and what affirms you is the best way to care for yourself when others are not available.

[@suzanneantippas8420]

Thank you for providing those among us without BPD with insights into the BPD person's perspective, and for your suggestion of how they might handle the situation most beneficially!!

[@posh5763]

It's great you covered the importance of rituals around contact for the person recovering from maladaptive ways. I think there is very less input given generally by therapists to teach the partners of bpd too. The partners start to believe that the behavior of person with borderline individual is the only cause of relationship issues and partners do not take any responsibility of the lack of consistency or learning too about the disorder to support. Most people with borderline attract avoidant partners and they first merge with the partner to secure their object of security and make them the favorite person, later when they start to develop a sense of self and no more serving the partner the way they did, the partner also starts distancing, this creates a very tough to recover dynamics for a person with bpd. They are setup for a uphill battle, recovering on their own and also dealing with a partners mal adaptive patterns as well.

[@Rocklefebvre]

Hello Dr. Fox, once again your video came out exactly with the content I needed at the exact time I needed it... I shared it with my boyfriend, who is such a sweetheart and has watched multiple videos of yours ever since we started our relationship and I told him about my BPD. Sometimes I don't know how to explain to him why I said something rude, sometimes it takes me a while to even understand myself why I behaved in such a rude manner. When I'm in this "attention-seeking" mode, it seems so clear to me that I have the right to be so, and it makes so much sense. But shortly afterwards I regret it, and I become afraid of pushing him away for being rude for reasons he can't possibly know if even I can't explain it to him. Self-containment is indeed something super hard to learn, but I've gotten so much better at it! Those situations in which I suddenly get rude and weird don't arise that often anymore. But when they do, I appreciate it so much to have a bunch of tips from you saved on my phone!!! THANK YOU!!!

[@DrDanielFox]

I’m so glad you found the video helpful and I wish you all the best.

[@robynferguson4070]

This is such an insightful and intelligent approach.You have an incredible understanding of BPD individuals in my opinion, and I totally agree that ignoring the attention seeking behavior is not the answer. The use of listening skills,validating /techniques,and reassuring are the best ways to help the individual become more stable. And yes absolutely to responding with calmness. It is a long process,but well worth it.

[@Miss_Lexisaurus]

I really appreciate you saying that it's not all on the person with BPD and that the people we're in relationships with need to meet us part way too. I'm in a polyam relationship and I find how my partners are when they're together without me really hard because we arrange to call and chat and then they decide to do something else first and I meltdown because of a combination of the change of plans, lack of communication and feeling not important. I've spoken to them about it and they seem to feel that me needing to know what is going on and for things to happen as planned or be clearly explained what's changing and what the new plan is is too much to ask for so I've said I don't want them to call anymore because that's easier for me. I do want them to call, I enjoy chatting to them and it makes me feel included but I feel like the only option I have is to not do it because I can't make them understand why it's so important for me to know what's going on and I don't want to meltdown every time.

[@amber40494]

I can relate to that. I think my anxiety around it is due to my mother liking my sister more than me and deliberately giving me the cold shoulder for years. I can tell myself its conditioning and probably not what's happening in the present moment.

[@judithhansford4629]

It's very hard to get yourself in check when dealing with bpd and to tell yourself to not take these behaviors personal. I am grateful for these videos and the comments to remind me to be self aware before I can help the other person. 💙

[@helRAEzzzer]

I am glad to now understand my BPD. I was misdiagnosed for the majority of my life; life during that time was a NIGHTMARE for myself and my loved ones. Now I typically explain how "my brain lies to me," as I like to phrase what my paranoia is like, and my loved ones are typically okay with just telling me if that's what's going on or if they're actually upset with me (my loved ones and I communicate when something is bugging us so it's always, "yes your brain is lying to you," but it's still nice that they're cool with me just straight up asking. I almost never actually even need to ask anymore tbh.

[@Jestrath]

I feel like it's kind of an achievement you got average people to understand the way your brain lies to you. My wife knows a lot of the "paranoia" about people hating, being upset, or plotting against me comes from a place of trauma. I've also got the tendency to spiral into thinking the worst case scenario is always going to happen. I've even been told I act like worst thing has already happened. She doesn't necessarily always get how my mind gets to where it does but she understands the underlying emotions. Most people have never bothered to try to understand me that way.

[@XfiverX]

Thanks so much for such a helpful video. I work as a nurse on a psychiatric unit and I tend to spend a lot of extra time with patients struggling with bpd, b/c I feel like they need that interaction. But at the same time I have been questioning whether that is the right thing to do. You are right that the typical view is that mental health workers are told to ignore all attention seeking behavior, in an effort to starve maladaptive attention seeking behaviors. It's good to know that the right thing to do is to model appropriate interactions, and not to just ignore someone struggling with these issues.

[@alipboi8184]

I just put 2 and 2 together... Now I know why I feel even more alone when I'm around others. Its like I'm being ignored. Left out. Brushed aside. Thanks dr Daniel fox. This is very insightful. Still not sure what I can do for myself on my own though.

[@kerinemitz]

I'm trying so hard to remember , people have lives, lol , I always feel like ppl don't like me.

[@artistrycinemized9555]

I try to avoid coming off as a know it all , all that , looking down vibe of a soul , BUT I WILL NEVER EVER dull my light or belittle myself for anyone's esteem .

[@gabbythompson6912]

Love you’re videos that don’t demonize bpd like a lot of people do. But videos staticky recently. I think this info is so important because how I’ve seen people bpd are talked about.

[@monike29]

Your videos helped me to understand my BPD. I've seen the gradual change in me. It took time since I started to listen these videos 3 years ago. Thanks you for sharing your knowledge because in places like my country it is really difficult to find psychologist or psychiatrist informed about BPD.

[@danielestaub9445]

Agree. This channel is a positive community and I am grateful for Dr. Fox The KZbinr!

[@KelliBar]

I struggle the most with the attention seeking behaviors of my adult daughter who has been diagnosed with BPD. My unchecked initial reaction is to starve her as well, but that’s probably self preservation on my part. I’ve spent many years working on my codependency issues. It’s not easy trying to help her see the maladaptive behaviors she uses to get my attention so she can work on finding healthier ways. Such a vicious circle. I am grateful for the times she finds the strength to say “I’m feeling needy and want your attention!” Because my natural reaction is to give her all the attention she needs and deserves!

[@ivehadenough4283]

I love that you make so many good, informative videos on BPD! I have SAD and BPD, and I have been working on my behaviour and thinking patterns ever since I found out at 20, it's constant work to try and be a good, responsible human. I try to be mindful at all times, and not take anything dead serious, I also listen to an Indian Guru, Sadhguru, and I really just try my best to be at peace with the universe, this ( and psychedelics ) has helped my life more than anything. Namaste!

[@grace-n-mercy5426]

I have this with my mental health program worker. I have a very strong, unhealthy attachment to her, and it is one-sided. I thought one day in a group she was purposely giving others more attention than me because she wanted to try to make me not like her anymore, so I would detach from her, (almost as if she had to harm me in order to help me). I became convinced of this due to my cognitive distortions, and I began to believe she was playing with my emotions. I even thought one day when I was going through some health scares that she was not reaching back out to me because she was saying to herself, she just wants my attention, I don't have time for her attachment problems; I'm not going to play into it. I literally imagined her sitting at her desk and playing the message that another staff member had left for her, and the intrusive scenes became so real that I instantly became angry and started devaluing her; (after a few minutes before this, being content and having a good conversation with my brother; the thought, like an intrusive thought just came out of nowhere) but after speaking with her for 3 minutes on the phone (after 14 days had passed), and planning to meet with her, I instantly loved her intensely once again (that FP type of love) almost as if nothing happened that was the cause of me splitting on her. I am more of the discouraged BPD type, so I don't necessarily outright attack her with physical words, I just think bad things about her. I even told her, I know you're not in my head, so you have no idea what I am talking about, but I am sorry for any bad thoughts I had towards you. She said, I don't know what goes on inside your head, but if you needed to say that, then that is fine. Again, at that moment, she put sliced bread out of business. And just so you know, the first 7-8 years of my life (being in foster care) was a time when I felt loved the most. I never felt neglected or abandoned by my foster parents (I was extremely attached to my foster mom). And even though at a young age, I did experience sexual abuse with two of my foster cousins; being in my foster home I felt loved, accepted; I felt like I belonged, and, I mattered to someone. It was not until I was in my teenage years, living with my real dad and stepmom, where I questioned people's love for me. My stepmother mentally and emotionally treated me like freaking crap (but she took care of my basic needs, so it was OK. And I shouldn't complain, and I was the ungrateful one). I oftentimes heard things such as: everything I do for these kids and this is how they treat me. At 17, I had to go to a babysitter's house because she didn't trust me to be alone with my father. This hurt me so badly. I was once daddies little girl, and he saw this stuff going on, but he would not protect us and say things like : Diane has done a lot for you kids, how could he not freaking see it? This is why I started using drugs and alcohol, it was because I was so secluded and no one knew what was going on behind closed doors. I was Constantly walking on eggshells, buying things for my stepmom just so she would like me for even a little bit...not really knowing God, but just having a concept of Him and looking up at the sky as we were pulling into the driveway, asking Him to please protect me behind those doors that others could not see into. Sometimes, as you say, BPD and the reasons / symptoms can be different for individuals. I think I became attached to my worker because, in a sense, I am trying to feel the love I once had with my foster parents through her. I am trying to find my child-self / acceptance through her; I am attempting to recapture that time when I was once important and I mattered. Today me and my stepmother have a great relationship (even though we had numerous rocky moments, not talking for years at a time) but this stuff still had a tremendous impact on me and my worthiness of love. If you haven't already (if you see this message) can you please do a video on individuals who make their mental health providers their FP. It is not always in a two-sided relationship aspect, and this is what most FP content is about…partner and not provider. I want to let go of my worker as my FP . It is emotionally harming at times, and depleting / draining. But I'm scared to let go of something that I dedicated so much of my self to. I feel like I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I obsessively think about her a lot, but I need help in learning how to let go / find a balance. My FP causes countless cognitive distortions which lead to emotional dysregulation, which then leads to internal splitting / devaluing thoughts against her.

[@ElanaVital83]

😢 that sounds so exhausting. Hope things work out

[@darcymarwick5434]

I understand as I have this strong, unhealthy attachment to my primary doctor. 😢

[@BurningBlackScarlet]

Another great video Dr. Fox! I love watching videos like this one even though I've already established these kind of boundaries in my life. It does work, y'all! It just takes patience from both sides and a lot of communication.

[@anna-rosephipps3132]

For a moment I thought maybe Dr Fox is a mind reader. I was just going over in my mind my early relationship with my estranged parents. I'm continually trying to solve the mystery of who I am and how i ended up like this, with BPD and loneliness. "Ignore her, she just wants attention", said my parents. My crying fits were BECAUSE i was being ignored. No one ever, ever took the trouble or made the effort to comfort me or talk to me to find out what was causing this maladjusted behaviour. I cry at the memory. This is so painful. I'm crying now. If only someone could have soothed me. If only Dr Fox could have told my parents that they should indeed pay me attention, with boundaries of course.

[@madonnanix7635]

Me too.😢 I thought that most of my family was ❤ less to my plight as a baby and on throughout my growing up there. They would set me on top of the tall fridge when I was still in diapers, and ignore me and would not even look at me much less comfort me. I was told when they put me up there that I could not be allowed to come down from there until I stopped my crying. one day I thought that if I fell off or jumped maybe they would care about my feelings but I decided that was probably not a good idea and probably wouldn't get through to them either. It hurt enough I reasoned to be ignored and unimportant to them that I decided not to follow through with something that drastic. 😢I was only two years old at the time. so sad. In relationships if I feel undercared for I used to try to earn their attention and love 💞 . Now I do not see the point if all my effort in trying to secure that. I just have to end uncaring or undercaring relationships with people .It all started in childhood. I will not live there anymore for anybody and I do wish more therapists would look at the environment from the inside out. I was made to feel bad because I was crying! They did not ask why but doled out punishment instead. I needed soothed and reassured but the fridge could not do that!! A machine can not comfort a baby. My mother said that as a baby that I was inconsolable. Perhaps no one tried hard enough or were just looking after their own self interests and decided that I was not worth investing in. That is the message I got and still to this day struggle with. It hurts when your the youngest and no one cares! Dr. Fox than you for getting the surrounding people involved in the process of understanding and communicating with highly sensitive people and borderlines because we do cry and feel misunderstood. Wish you were around when I was two . I am old now and it is too late for me. Crying as I end this text. Learned to shut off tears as soon as I get two or three. I'm not allowed to cry . Can't because it was so ingrained in childhood with shame and guilt aimed at me from all sides. Would love to have a therapist who really cares but I guess it is not in the cards for me. Unless you might be interested in helping me out Dr. Fox. Please think about it and tell me if you are able. I think you just might be the one Dr. that maybe could. Maybe I am not beyond repair? p.s. let me know what you think Dr. Fox it would be greatly helpful. Sincerely, Madonna Nix

[@anna-rosephipps3132]

@@madonnanix7635 Hi Madonna. As a baby my mother had read a baby care text book (forgot the authors name, trendy at the time )saying its best to ignore a crying baby most of the time, so as not to spoil it. I think my mother took this too literally. As an adult i hate sounding bitter or that i blame my parents for everything. I don't. But this form of emotional neglect and lack of soothing that happened to you is incredibly damaging, especially before the age of 2. I cry right now as i read your piece, because i feel that hurt

[@bernadettemarie9267]

Thank you, Dr. Fox. It does work. It is hard. It's totally worth it. Spent the last year giving my loved one the attention he didn't get at home. Spent hours and hours, frequently during one session, listening to him. Well, maybe the first hour was calming myself down and not reacting. Then I could truly listen and he can definitely tell the difference. Very fine tuned and sensitive that way. He's been stuck. I've been stuck. But we both now have hope. I've been inhaling your videos and I imagine I'm not the only parent who's had repeated ah-ha moments. Hope it's okay for a parent to weigh in.

[@Vladimyrful]

I used to do this thing when I was little - I'd isolate and seclude myself to see who would care enough to come get me and console me.

[@happygucci5094]

I come back for the empathy, compassion and the dad humor. Dr. Fox we have a long way to go within the mental health (professional) community. It feels as if many mental health professionals do not understand the genesis of WHY these behaviors have developed. I truly believe because maybe of weak ego strength - personality disordered person's provide a really unique mirror to society and the prevailing values at large ... Great video Dr. Fox

[@OriginalR69]

Such a shame there's so much misinformation surrounding BPD out there. If only all treating professionals had right end of the stick to begin with, they'd be able to actually help, instead of further destroy broken, vulnerable souls. But, that's just life. When you're most desperate for help, is when you're least likely to get it.

[@christielee1840]

I appreciate the identifying information. It’s a struggle yes, that’s True. However, it IS manageable. Learning how to learn to control our own emotions is takes time. We didn’t get this way overnight. Be easy on yourself. It’s okay to. ❤️

[@DrDanielFox]

Thank you very much for your comment and I wish you all the best.

[@christielee1840]

@@DrDanielFox Thank you for your kind words. I am still in ongoing therapy. I don’t believe that it’s curable However, I do believe it’s manageable and that gives me hope. I’m still waiting for your answer if you have any free workbooks for now? And thank you very much for Responding to my message. Yes I like the attention lol

[@christielee1840]

@@DrDanielFox thank you still waiting on a reply please from below post. I would greatly appreciate it.

[@jackcphelps]

my autism spectrum brain loves sending my partner the same texts at the same time every day

[@malkaringel7864]

Thanks for your input. There's very little regarding bpd. I'm now 65 & due to childhood I have this trait. I stick to a daily routine & don't like change!!! I'm like my cats!! 🙏❤️🇨🇦

[@kimlec3592]

He means like when we ask for patience ...immediately !!!🤣😂🤣

[@sarahs413]

My family REFUSES to educate themselves on this. I hardly bring it up because it's like talking to brick wall or responding by talking of something that has nothing to do with what I'm saying as if I'd never tried to address some things. It's so strange.

[@PONYHEAVEN]

This is going to be a relief for my day with my good kid and my 74 yr old beloved mother. Both are deeply good people, just human. Not perfect, very much as myself. All my thanks and good wishes to you. This is important, this film.

[@lindaweedmark6025]

If only that one person had done the reliable contact that fits into both people's routines. I'm crying just listening to this, you have hit the nail right on the head. 👌🏻👍💗

[@andrewphillips-hird3761]

Routine routine routine yessss. Back when I was still at basically my most severe, I dated a guy for a while who was awful at actually checking his phone...but unlike with others, I never blew up his phone because he pretty much always replied at least once per day in the evening. We had no formally established routine or anything but he was so consistent with replying that I was able to trust that he wasn't ignoring me most of the time - and when that suspicion did arise, it was infrequent and mild enough that I could prevent myself from exhibiting it behaviourally and annoying him. So even a less than ideal routine can be extremely effective as long as the consistency is there.

[@sarahs413]

I appreciate all the videos you make. There's quite a bit of BPD discussed that isn't fully delved into with a full DBT course (about the same amount of time as a college semester). They have brought up some questions during physical sessions about myself and this disorder for further addressing what pops out while listening. ALWAYS a pen and paper with me during the videos just in case ......

[@justinyonama3293]

I have recently been diagnosed with BPD . I finally feel now I have an identity and can move forward with my life after 31 long years , I can now control my life in a manner what’s best for myself. People with BPD make up around 1% of the world population , to be part of that group makes me feel …like elite !!

[@DrDanielFox]

Thanks for your comment. Be well.

[@kerinemitz]

You are amazing!

[@DrDanielFox]

I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.

[@Pidirects]

it can be difficult to know when i'm in a stress response. The best way for me to contain attention seeking behaviours is to 1. make plans 2. surrendering preoccupation to daily structure/routines as a containment or a way to titrate attachments

[@kimlec3592]

Replace the word attention with communication...but yes, sometimes we can be demanding.

[@kimlec3592]

@Ant Man Yes.

[@kimlec3592]

i jumped thru my mother's hoops my whole life...atrocity.

[@elvenbae]

No. if he meant communication, he would have said it. Attention is a human need.

[@Mor2gain_760]

@@elvenbae Both are! I definitely have a problem with my husband not communicating or keeping his promises & he really only gives attention when he wants sex... or to communicate when he wants something or to talk about the few things he thinks are important... So for me both are super important!

[@monanoorchaalida3243]

@@kimlec3592 ?

[@deepblue8081]

If people keep seeking attention I just ignore them - delete emails, etc.

[@djbond6241]

WOW, DR.FOX, 🦊THANKS FOR THE VIDEOS EXCELLENT JOB🦊🐾🐾🐾 I LIKE LISTENING TO YOU TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS MISDIAGNOSED ... PERSONALITY DISORDER

[@DrDanielFox]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish you well.

[@boudicca7181]

Yes, Dr. Fox you are absolutely right. I need to correct my thinking.

[@DrDanielFox]

I’m glad you found the video helpful and I wish you all the best.

[@stonedecatur6602]

Step 1. No contact

[@DrDanielFox]

That can exacerbate issues but solid boundaries are always good.

[@queenmin5902]

Exactly this. I find I blow up my significant other’s phone if there’s not a set timeframe for plans. My family was always very structured and rigid, and his is not. It’s irritating waiting on them when they’re always running late and hard not to explode because their lateness is not in my control. 😭

[@jacquelinefirkins994]

Exactly Dr Fox you nailed it as usual 🤘 I hate being ignored though and take it way harder than most people. 😉 I don't demand attention off my partner when he's busy at work I understand he has to concentrate but other people I just feel like I'm being slighted.

[@claired1336]

Attention from others is actually a basic foundational need that all humans have, no matter their age or level of confidence, self-validation abilities, functionality, independence, etc. and I think the term, "They are just doing this for attention" comes from some really toxic old-school shame-based parenting methods where seeking attention in itself was deemed problematic by emotionally closed-off parents, and rather than having the emotional intelligence to teach the kid that they CAN ask for support and attention directly and it's 100% normal and okay to want attention, they shamed them for seeking it at all. I know this is exactly what you're saying, but I'm just chiming in to agree and say that I think it's such a shame that the general opinion towards wanting attention is looked down upon as immature, insecure, or needy. Loneliness in today's world is worse than ever, so we need to be able to talk about these things. Thanks for making such great content!

[@fatsleepypanda3244]

Sometimes i dont know if im feeling defeated or if i just lie to myself. I was diagnosed with BPD, but i have weird symptoms that doesn’t really match the diagnosis i think. i started isolating myself to feel safe. I cant trust people cause i always feel judged. I cant trust psychiatrists or psychologist neither anymore after they diagnosed me this and started treating me really bad to the point i couldnt see a psychiatrist anymore just because i was « not ill enough »… My social worker treated me like i was an exigent spoiled brat. I live in canada so seeing a doctor is free, that may be why they dont wanna waste time with BPD. Even in the middle of a psychosis in my 20s i didnt feel so lonely… At least i felt like someone was watching over me.

[@Mare83254]

Dr Fox, I love your videos, but please try to do something about the bad audio in some of your videos.

[@justjess6636]

Was about to say that.

[@Heresyvids]

I've been watching alot of your videos regarding bpd lately. I find them very informative, but hard to watch and I often just tune out and miss most of them.

[@lisakilian6988]

Thank you 😊

[@DrDanielFox]

You're welcome 😊

[@Delphiverdi]

Thank you Dr. Fox

[@Paranormal_Editz]

I’ve been questioning if I have BPD and this pops up in my feed. 😅

[@Shemwd]

Our daughter has taken to telling people (therapists, doctors, teachers)she has planned dates to kill herself, even pulling stunts to make it appear she has tried if people don’t listen . After being admitted several times to the hospital for her safety, they said “stop sending her here it’s making her worse “. It has been extremely traumatic for us, the hospital is referring her to a short term residential program to try and break the cycle, we really hope it will be a step forward. Thanks for your tips, anything is worth a try.

[@artistrycinemized9555]

I'm me . I don't seek attention , but a lot of it has found me at me weakest .

[@grassgeese3916]

I'm really angry about how my friends ignore me .. I respect their space so I try to not text people more than once every other day, but sometimes I just go off the deep end and stop texting people altogether. Never has anybody given a fuck and it makes me so so sad. I wish my friends would text me when they desire to see me. I'm tired of them texting me like "I'll see you after the school semester" or "I'll see you when I'm back from my trip"... but none of them honor their word....... god im so upset...... I wonder if I need new friends or if I need to drop some needs lol......

[@DrDanielFox]

Good insight. Use this to develop adaptive strategies.

[@danielestaub9445]

You've definitely got my attention with this video. Thank you for creating this content, especially speaking up on our behalf against harmful clinical theorists. 👍

[@skeptiwolf5654]

The guy I am dating has zero drama in his life because he has rather muted emotional range. He said he enjoyed drama. I laughed, in BPD, and said he was going to have a great time.

[@skeptiwolf5654]

In all seriousness therapy has helped a lot and I am hoping I won't sabotage this relationship too. Time will tell. My therapist told me that he seems like a safe person to practice emotional control with because he is so calm.

[@melodi996]

My husband is similar, but he also visibly can't stand any drama, I'm glad he is and there's no need to fight 24/7.

[@galaxyflamingo]

I love your videos man, and I have something to sort of add for the quality of videos, I’ve noticed your audio quality sort of peaks? Like it sounds very loud at times and it makes the videos a bit hard to watch, I was wondering if at some point that could get fixed? Could be something with the room or a mic thing, no idea, just a thing I noticed. Loving the videos though man, very educational and helpful

[@sharonw2008]

When the drama in your life doesn't come up to your expectations, you need to get the big guns out and show them how it's done! When you're my sister that is, time to walk away from this abuse. We all have choices, we all have our own problems and don't project them on others. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU BUT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HEALING xx

[@Signal_light_instructor]

I stayed 1 year with him and so much patience...

[@DrDanielFox]

Relationships are challenging. I wish you well.

[@luluhoney1902]

I stayed for 3. Became so broken down they're so exhausting

[@TempestTempos]

⁠@@luluhoney1902 "They're." Have you met everyone with BPD? All of us? So you have psychologically-proven evidence that all of us are the same?

[@artistrycinemized9555]

I'll thank you for your compliments , but I don't like being placed on a pedestal .

[@Tarotwitchshally111]

When I do not get attention... I feel traumatized and feel suicidal... Especially if it's from that Favourite group of friends or Favourite person.... It's about life and death scenario for me...!! It's very painful... Attention is like emotional food which brain needs to function

[@ElanaVital83]

It's not a food though. It's a drug

[@Tarotwitchshally111]

@@ElanaVital83 I just don't know what to do to fix it... The Trama is so embedded... It just feels so real... No rational thought works

[@PONYHEAVEN]

I've just re-watched this remarkable film, motivated by my 9-yr old daughter, who addresses me a lot, non stop at moments. I react a lot to her pleading, to be honesty, sometimes tired of being demanded. We parents should forgive our good kids. You gave me at hand those 4 strategies, how to deal with that. I will adapt it to my kid. A blessing, this video, a gift from heaven.

[@elelem358]

I don't think BPD is a good reference point for a 9-year old. Attention seeking is very normal and necessary at that age because they are depending on you for their survival. It's important for children to feel securely that their needs will be attended to. If you're burnt out from parenting that's understandable and should be addressed but that doesn't mean your child is engaging in anything comparable to BPD or doing anything wrong

[@franny5295]

People involved with or considering getting involved with a person with undertreated bpd need to fully understand that they're dealing with someone who has the emotional intelligence of a toddler so they can make a fully informed decision. Temper tantrums are not fun in a 2 year old. It's terrifying in an adult. You will not be able to have a healthy relationship with someone who needs you to be a parent to them. It's just not gonna happen. Listen to what he's saying. This is what parents do with children.

[@TempestTempos]

I wouldn't say we have the emotional intelligence of a toddler. We can be very emotionally intelligent until it comes to ourselves. We can understand and empathize with others, but not ourselves. And we have difficulty controlling those emotions, which sometimes display inwardly (internalizing) depending we how one present.

[@nirmaladrieskens4338]

Great video 💞💞💞

[@joycealdrich]

I've been ignored, most of my life. And, yes, that inflames things.

[@jenniferg1073]

You have nailed it. NHS are starving me in the UK. Spot on. Do you take on clients privately if I paid you? I have 4 diagnosises. BPD PTSD GENERALISED ANXIETY DISORDER TRICHOTILLOMANIA Let me know if you can help me. (Legally I will say Allegedly or not Everyone who works in NHS has spoken to me to have helped or not helped me)

[@DOCTORSAMMYBAYA]

Good job

[@cherylthompson2731]

Iam not "attention seeking" but, nobody likes being ignored or blocked. That's just rude 😒

[@offintonebula]

In my case, anyone I've done this to, I had been feeling resentful and annoyed and disrespected for a long time, but I was being polite or keeping the peace. Anytime I've done this, I'm just done and I don't want a future with that person.

[@fenixrise1272]

I’ve tried to do this with my BPD mother but as soon as I engage, she tries to dominate me and criticise. I smile and she comes back with a smiley criticism within 5 minutes. I have to withdraw and grey rock to protect myself but it makes me feel awful about myself and plays into the guilt and abuse I grew up with. I’m 50 and my mother is living with me for now. Siblings refuse to have anything to do with her so it’s all on me. She’s constantly angry with me if I don’t give her full attention. I’ve tried to give more and be predictable in my engagements as you’ve suggested but she just demands more and more. Why do you think it’s not working for me to use these techniques? Thank you so much

[@DrDanielFox]

Not all techniques work each and every time and I think it’s important to stay the course and be consistent even though the person you interacting with may have variable responses. The more consistent you are the higher. The likelihood individual will conform over time. I wish you all the best.bb

[@fenixrise1272]

Thank you so much. It makes sense. Consistency worked with other things. Appreciate your work

[@ElanaVital83]

​@@fenixrise1272 It's probably harder because she still sees you as her kid. So she wants to keep the upper hand

[@fenixrise1272]

@@ElanaVital83 so true. It’s just really hard and undermining

[@Viiiolet18]

Because of the low quality audio, i cant really listen to what's being said..

[@Ladybug1988]

Thank u so much 🤍

[@Liam0408]

have a friend with BPD. Because of the severe emotional disregulation she often seeks validation from lots of men. The problem with this is that she's married with 2 kids and she keeps having emotional affairs. It's none of my business except that she keeps bringing it up, trying to drag me into the drama that she has with these men (which she shouldn't be having bc she's MARRIED). Sometimes it makes me feel angry. I tell her this is not the way. I don't want to hear about it since it's something I strongly disagree with. She always makes excuses for her behavior and always puts the blame on other people. I'm starting to think that it's more than BPD and possibly a narcissistic personality disorder. I don't know how to help her

[@ES-qu1jd]

My two cents is that people who seek validation from multiple people have issues with their self-esteem and are insecure. They don't have a grounded self. If they did, they wouldn't be seeking validation from anyone and everyone. I think she has to work on really knowing herself, her strengths and weaknesses and learn how to self-improve while coming up with productive strategies to keep negative feelings controlled and be at peace with herself. I have/had friends with issues like this and it's hard and frustrating to deal with it.

[@Liam0408]

@@ES-qu1jd Thank you. Yes, I agree. I believe she has very low self-esteem. It also concerns me that she exhibits a lack of empathy. It seems extremely difficult for her to put herself in her husband's shoes and imagine how all of this is effecting him. It's almost like she doesn't see his feelings to be as valuable as hers

[@luluhoney1902]

@@Liam0408 they are so emotional & have so much understanding for themselves but no empathy for anyone else.

[@luluhoney1902]

I'd put her in her place. Tell her the truth about herself don't sugar coat it she's a grown woman. I wouldn't even put myself around someone like that.

[@jolenescott6959]

I do this. Although, I think perhaps a bit of bpd and cnpd. You are right. I find I attention seek and people tend to ignore me and then my behaviour tends to get worse. I really need help with this. I'm in therapy but still really struggle with this. What can I do when people don't want to be around me, respond or engage, without being mean or upping the anti. Thank you?

[@heatheraguirre3230]

Hey just wanted to post this I usually just lurk on comments but I'm compelled to this. I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2009, right before my husband went to prison and left me with his parents that I didn't live with and 2 small babies my daughter 3 and my son 1 at the time. For 11 yeas I went through treatments after my husband's parents took the kids which made everything 100 times worse I went to meetings I took meds I even stayed at mental health hospital. All that time I never felt like any of that helped me and I would take meds and be ok after a month of taking them and symptom's would go to away for sometimes even years. The last 3 years have been progressively getting worse I go red hot 0 to 100 and it's like I can't stop it I know it's not ok but at that moment it's like something bigger than my own will locks me and my voice of reason away and seeks to destroy. It's like I take a back seat to my life only to emerge to pick up the pieces from the chaos. I found second opinion and I had been misdiagnosed I have been out of control to the point it was very noticeable in how it had affected my life. I am able to keep a job somewhat regular I am in college and I've been in a relationship for 5 years but I had an affair for 2years and I'm going thru this now it is wrong and I don't know how I can switch something in my head to even think that it was ok at all. I do not seek attention I am terrified of public places I do not go grocery shopping I order online I'm reclusive.

[@smileyface5908]

Amber Heard has really set back the general publics sympathy or empathy for this condition. She’s what the average person will think of now when they hear BPD. I wish we had a different “ambassador”.

[@joeyjo7553]

I was just about to comment the same thing. Imagine all the hard work and progress we have made being that we are already so stigmatized just for someone to set us back. 4 steps forward 20 steps back

[@sherrymanning1116]

Yes thank you

[@manon1299]

No one can ever identify as another person, she speaks for herself and not on behalf of the BPD community.

[@joeyjo7553]

Not really cause people that are not very educated on BPD or know what BPD is will just hear that term and associate it with amber. Even though she was also diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder which I believe identifies more with her

[@melb2734]

Pete Davidson has BPD. Much better "ambassador".

[@domojose]

i’m seeing a psychiatrist for bpd next month in tx hope they are as good as u

[@reeee4vhjk]

BPD are ok is more the world that is cruel and disordered

[@justjess6636]

Agreed!

[@theinacircleoftheancientpu492]

Hi Dr. Fox, first of all, thank you for sharing your understanding. Both interesting and helpful. As someone who wouldn't consider themselves to have a disorder, (Since, although I do struggle with various things, I retain a good grasp of control for the most part.) but recognises a clear resonance with traits spanning across a range of disorders, I wonder if you have any advice for people like this looking to clarify what they need to address and organise it, by using the information from the "systems" for addressing more obvious maladaption? Not sure if that completely makes sense, but if you got this far, thank you for your time and I wish you a good day. P.s. It's an interesting balance trying to clarify stuff, since it's a bit of a double edged sword where over emphasising flaws can be as bad as not recognising them.

[@Daniellegarrow]

Is it normal to want to write a letter of apology such as I went through a summer last year yelling at everyone having meltdown due to being so overwhelmed and meds no longer working for MDD & BPD. I'm now better live in small town and mostly ignored 🙁.. I want to apologize but have to be careful of what I say. Sorry long winded.

[@Daniellegarrow]

Attention seeking is what this is..hmm

[@alphadog3384]

What about the Borderline Personality mother who doesn't recognize the needs in children. Neglect or Perception?

[@hanietabesh4086]

I really appreciate all You are doing for us but I just wanted to ask you if you could kindly use a better microphone? 🙏🏼 thanks a lot for everything

[@breahgardiner3702]

What do you mean I have to wait? There's only now and never! Jk lol

[@DrDanielFox]

I certainly understand that waiting is no fun but I hope that you enjoy the video.

[@deasgalool8652]

Thank you Dr Daniel Fox, this is really very well informed and amazing summary video. I've been watching your lectures for almost 2yrs and you/your approaches are the best I've seen on the BPD ever. I admire your expertise in this and the way you deliver the lectures, plz keep doing helping/improving people's lives through your videos, magnificent......

[@thebristlyboss]

I dont know if this is too personal, inappropriate etc.. But i learned something recently... I used to think i had this "under control" still had some outbursts... but mostly... Within this year i have literaly been "abandoned" by all family members, friends.. (different reasons) and then.. my dog died! i didnt realise just HOW MUCH she helped me. over the past 13 years she was the ONLY person in my life who cared about me and who i could talk to... anyway... then the depression set in.. sort help from GPs, just got a pep talk and told to go away! tried reaching out to people... and nothing! then suicide came into play... I phoned the crisis line here in the UK and spoke to someone, even tho "its not" a religeous orginisation... i got the talk of, God does approve of it and youll go to hell if you do it.... By this point i just didnt care! i just wanted out! I had it all worked out... i was going to do it this way... on this day.. at this time... Then i had a thought, people leave notes... do i need to leave a note? should i? what would i say? So i wrote a note. When I read it back and it was just a massive rant and a giant F you! no wait, its not! Its a cry for attention! If and when the day comes where i just cant take it anymore, then so be it! But im not going to do it becuase of other people and certainly NOT as a cry for attention!

[@ryanschock5619]

Wow this is soo helpful

[@DrDanielFox]

I'm so glad!

[@attheranch873]

The audio is rough

[@rebeccaashby-k2n]

Is it possible to develop BDP with a particular person? I may have always had something, a very shy child etc, fragile and sensitive throughout my 20s and a little reactive at times but generally okay and never considered having a disorder of any kind. Im in my 30’s now and some very strong BDP symptoms have come up in my current 4 years relationship and they are only getting more intense. I’m now in therapy. Is it common for BDP to kind of appear like this later in life?

[@hannahseuren6905]

How can you as the person with BPD ask for this scheduled attention thing? I feel like by asking for this I’m gonna freak out my FP and push them away. This video is great but I feel like it helps people who have a relationship with someone with bpd better than people that actually have bpd.

[@DrDanielFox]

Your fear is understandable. Perhaps you can show your fp the video and ask them what they think? I wish you well.

[@djbond6241]

I'M JUST TRYING TO UNDERSTAND SOME WOMEN IN NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS MEETINGS AND ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS MEETINGS AND TREATMENT CENTERS THAT HAVE THESE PERSONALITY DISORDERS ON TOP OF THEIR ADDICTIONS AS WELL DR.FOX... HOW TO BEST DEAL WITH THEM??

[@artistrycinemized9555]

Never , ever sought attention . I buy Jordan's because I like them .

[@kimlec3592]

can the sound somehow be cleaned up a bit? very scratchy.

[@OttoKopeczky]

Audio sounds bad and the camera is crooked... makes it tough to watch.

[@stormywinds6497]

I’m so embarrassed by how I can act. I’m 61. And starting to get to tired.

[@cynigirl1utube160]

62. Same

[@ddtrahan]

How about when BPD looks to attention to 2 narcissist? One being there mom that never gave approval and the other being my father (her father n law) both narcissist!

[@kerryheathcote5154]

I have bpd and I crave physical touch like holding my husbands hands or lying on him I always want to be touching him one way or another and I get upset if he doesn't hold hand in public or sit right next to me when at his family's I feel touch means everyone is OK and without it I feel something wrong and harass him asking what's wrong what have I done and he says there's nothing wrong but I can't help it I feel loved when he's showing affection but i sit and wait for him to do it if he doesn't do it 1st I feel he doesn't love me or he's embarrassed and will leave so I get mad if he doesn't do it 1st or it freaks me out I ha e to have this I'm 36 and still need to cuddle my mum n get jealous of her new husband or if my husband smiles at a woman who serves us at the shop to be polite I have no idea why I need this physical touch expect for maybe trauma 🤷‍♀️

[@BeingBetter]

I had a traumatic childhood, and I also crave physical touch from my husband every single day.

[@debbyrusso9004]

I thank I may do that some Mr fox I'm all ways worry some ones going to leave me if I stay away to long are ingage in a fuss to prove to my self they going to stay around is this what you saying.?

[@artistrycinemized9555]

Never , ever out seeking attention . Never . I have a personality characteristic that's like Azie Faison from Harlem .

[@sarah8ann9]

I've been in therapy for several years and have done really well managing my BPD symptoms. I'm in a relationship with someone who's very opposite of me who needs space and I crave lots of attention the attention in physical affection. The problem I'm facing currently is having the old malaadaptive behaviors to get the attention when the attention when they go into another room and keep me Isolated which hurts me very much. How can I Manage my behavior and reaction to feeling alone abandoned and isolated as supposed to lashing out aggressively. Screaming and saying hurtful things.