Autism and Guilt

[@AyubuKK]

An “over-developed conscience” is such a perfect way of putting it.

[@djobnoxious6407]

Ain't nothing wrong with you fellas. Only the assuption that there actually is.

[@burzumfan0153]

I feel that every day

[@LegoGamers100]

It’s assumed that everyone would like to be just fine, and if were anything but fine. It’s better to just forget the regrets so we all end up in the same box

[@musicbyalexYT]

That is why I hate having autism. My conscience feels 'over-developed', but my autism holds me back from doing things properly. It's like you're mentally trapped in a cage or something.

[@yeastofthoughtsmind9623]

You could look at it as over-developed conscience, or your could look at it as a lessened self-serving bias. What struck me about this video was less the explanation of how someone on the spectrum experiences guilt, but rather the speaker's description of how a neurological responds to guilt. Mostly in that, it is entirely wrong. The speaker assumes that because their own problems with guilt stemmed from not knowing if they were at fault or if they did something wrong, that neurotypicals did not have these issues with guilt because we have an easier time telling right from wrong and estimating blame. However, this is false. The real reason most neurotypicals don't struggle with guilt the same way as people on the spectrum is personal bias. Most neurotypicals, when they do something wrong, automatically assume that they were in the right and the other person is at fault, particularly as children. Ita also very common for neurotypicals to convince themselves that something was an accident, even when it wasn't. The crazy thing is, personal bias is so strong, that people actually believe what they tell themselves. Apparently its an evolutionary trait many humans developed in order to protect self-esteem/worth. If you truly believe you were in the right, you have no reason to feel bad about yourself. It's kinda like that one George Costanza line from Seinfeld, "Its not a lie, if you believe it is true." Everything is filtered through someone's personal bias and beliefs, and if your bias is to assume you're in the right, you will rarely feel guilt.

[@Sammysapphira]

I've been denied for jobs because the interviewer got the impression that I'm 'distracted' or 'uninterested' because I couldn't hold eye contact. Still jobless despite dozens of interviews in the past few years. :)

[@caleviwin]

And with that damn virus spreading around now people are even more freaked out. It was hard before but now that Bloodborne analogy seems laughable with whats happened lmao.

[@Nevarek_]

This, seriously. If the interviewers are not inviting, I find it difficult to stay engaged.

[@lisasteel6817]

I’m autistic and I look between the eyes. Apparently they can’t tell you’re not looking them in the eye.

[@TheSameYellowToy]

Have you tried focusing on the person's nose? I'm autistic and that's what I do, since other people think you're making eye contact with them.

[@stonedape8437]

Why can’t autistic people look into someone’s eyes? Is it related to social anxiety?

[@TabbyAbby]

I hate it when people say that us autistics "lack empathy" when in reality that's not true at all, we're actually always constantly afraid to offend someone or unintentionally hurt their feelings or even just being a slight inconvenience, I say "sorry" more often than I should for the littlest things 👍

[@hamable1995]

yeah i agree. i am pretty weird no one thinks i have emotions but i think i do just fine they just don’t understand cus it’s not them

[@cemeterymidtown]

Same! I was recently diagnosed and have such intense empathy for those I love it hurts sometimes

[@hotel_arcadia]

At one point, so many people thought I lacked empathy that I just gave up. No point in trying to prove otherwise, so I became apathetic.

[@MiloTheCrotonian]

Same

[@BumblingBeemy]

Same here! You said it so accurately it's scary!

[@pidge3807]

Don't you guys love it when you look at something that slightly reminds you of a guilty memory and then that item or place is instantly ruined forever and you can't look at it anymore

[@CrazyAlienLady051]

I've had that situation plenty. A girl i went to school with ruined The Sims for me because, she called me a "Devil-worshipper" because, her mother told her that simulation games and video games were from the devil. She also ruined Christmas for me by saying Santa's Claus was Satan and that i must be a Satanist if I celebrate Christmas. Got called disgusting for admitting that i enjoy watching Ants Canada's video's and got called Emo for liking dubstep. Now whenever i try to enjoy something i love, i get haunted by past mistakes and bitter memories.

[@jacobcox4565]

For me, it's the song "Ballroom Blitz," mainly because of the lyrics "It's been gettin so hard livin' with the the things you do to me." I'm not going to specify why.

[@TimSlee1]

I get this all the time, I was a fucked up child despite having good parents so most things that remind me of those times make me feel disgust.

[@silverhowl9331]

@@CrazyAlienLady051 She is just borderline disgustingly rude, and should be ignored at all cost. Yet despite the attempt of ignoring them, you’re constantly thinking about them, and how much their words hurt, and if that wasn’t enough.. those words just lead you to the point of suicide, because words are like a weapon and can actually kill people.

[@drakep.5857]

That happens to me sometimes Like if I think about something bad/angering while playing a game that one section of said game will haunt me forever

[@rythianblack]

I feel guilty when I say or do something stupid. Even if I can't help it.

[@donkeykongisytpooping3002]

Same.

[@ms.pirate]

Same

[@TheFurryMemelord]

I do too

[@inmezzoallonde7196]

everyone does, yes

[@superdaveozy7863]

I still feel guilty about mistakes ive made in the past that don't matter anymore. They just show up in my mind if the train brings it along.

[@CrysHist10196]

I feel that i lie out of self defense or instinct . I also feel extreme guilt for the most minor of things a bad grade or something i said that was not remotely offensive but i consider to be offensive any way

[@ZAWFUL]

I have been having problems telling white lies to make people not look at me in a negative way but im so bad at lying and I always get caught. And yeah I always feel guilt and the only thing I have thats stressing me out lately.

[@maxderrat]

Oh dude... I'm the same way about saying things that may or may not be offensive. After I finish a conversation that lasted more than a minute, I'm constantly going over the things that I said and the way I said them to make sure everything went okay.

[@CrysHist10196]

I feel the same way

[@FableWolfe]

Yeah, I get that too. My reasons were depression, rather than autism, but I know how that goes.

[@Tobiasthepious_134]

Max Derrat Oh shit! I do that too

[@Miss-Hellcat666]

I feel like I was born with this guilt. It never goes away. I cry a lot.

[@hamable1995]

i hope u are okay :(

[@Miss-Hellcat666]

@@hamable1995 Thank you! I am happy all things considered- I guess it's just my cross to bear and I like to think that it makes me able to make good, kind choices 😊 Also the crying helps, it's very cathartic. Happy holidays to you 🤘🖤🤘

[@silverhowl9331]

You’re not alone, hang in there friend 😿💖

[@GrantStraks]

That’s not autism though. If that’s autism then I’m autistic. But I’m not. Autism isn’t feeling intense guilt.

[@Miss-Hellcat666]

@@GrantStraks I didn't mention autism in my comment.

[@matthewrangel4280]

the worst part about it isn't how it affects my daily life, im actually happy with who i am and I dont think there's anything wrong with me, but the worst part is how people make me feel about it, its like everyone wants me to be ashamed

[@superioropinion7116]

Definitely,as far as I know there are only two ways to escape the hell of socialization when you're different: 1)Deep dive into the psychology, thoroughly investigate the underbelly of people's hidden motivation and desires from every single angle that you can think of to build a blueprint of human behaviour of which you can finally act on. 2)Get out of the city and live in solitude 100%self sufficient where you can be bothered by no one.

[@Dancestar1981]

Always feel like a failure and hate myself for it female Aspie 39 diagnosed at 23.

[@Adventuresause]

Your all perfect the way you are. We're the next stage of human evolution the rest of the world has the illness not us.

[@yourunclejohn]

@@Adventuresause That’s an unhealthy view about this. Having a superiority complex makes you just as bad as the people off the spectrum with superiority complexes

[@AyessaVCruz]

@@superioropinion7116 I did the first one but it got me more depressed cause I realised how fucked up some people can be

[@ivanrosenberg5359]

I am Daniel's father. Two reactions: I'm prouder than I can say at the brilliance of what Daniel said and I feel I know a lot more than I did before, which hopefully will make me a better father and be able to support Daniel better. Thank you!

[@danielkoenen859]

It's really hard for parents to understand autistic children. Let alone manage to support them in their feelings. Furthermore it's difficult to actually achieve support in your actions. I hope that you manage that last part. He's so very sad, you can tell that through any of his videos. I hope that your love reaches him and gives that sadness some meaning.

[@isabelriosrodriguez4897]

Either people with Autism need to stop being so relatable or I need to go to the doctor

[@pbwbh]

Same here

[@buddyboi7007]

Same. My parents would never let me see a doctor tho. :’)

[@slivka_1]

@@buddyboi7007 maybe talk to a school counsellor or something. Or another adult you trust. They can really help get you on the path for a diagnosis

[@Sinklair8]

hahah same

[@brechtstroobant9879]

@@saron-4789 With all due respect, but you shouldn't equate mental health problems like depression or general anxiety disorder to autism. Yes, it's true that many autistic people do end up with severe mental health issues, but it isn't a given fact. That being said, I hope life goes well for you and if you do experience trouble in daily life, don't hesitate to seek out testing and/or professional help.

[@DiscoGoesOn5067]

"wow this is an important discussion im glad i got this in my recommendati- IS THAT A GIANT WOLF WIELDING A SWORD?!?!?"

[@crispnhollow7300]

The game is Dark Souls.

[@DiscoGoesOn5067]

@@crispnhollow7300 thank you kind sir

[@crispnhollow7300]

@@DiscoGoesOn5067 Ay, no problem.

[@StalkingPigeon]

Yeah.. Great Wolf Sif. Fun fact: 32 years old, and this is the FIRST boss fight where I not only felt horrible fighting him, but 3/4 through, he started limping while fighting pathetically.. I turned my game off and cried for 20 min. Took two weeks to pick her up again.

[@StalkingPigeon]

@Jeremy Cooke only if you want to be.. i can’t bring myself to do a genocide run in Undertale… i honestly haven’t played much. Once i realized what was happening i figured they’d all be happier if i left them alone… (see that kids, that’s what “we’ll play with a stick!” Gets you. PreTSD!

[@leon-el9614]

This is a very respectful way to represent mental health and the like. Keep up the good work.

[@daedreaming6267]

I'm autistic and schizophrenic. The two really compliment each other in just how toxic and vile they are. The voices in my head always tell me that I've done something wrong and often times they want me to hurt myself or take my life for my wrongdoings. They never truly go away either, just lessen in intensity. I can handle whispers, but when the voices are loud it's deafening. It's scary. I'm trying my best to live happier and spread happiness to others, but that's really difficult when I'm suffering and I can't really get help for it. They're not curable, I'll have these illnesses till the day I die, and I've not found a way to really mitigate the effects other than trying to distract myself. Anyways, if you actually read my rambling, I want to say thank you. Thank you Max as well for always putting things into words so that I can share similar thoughts with others when I myself cannot.

[@Crossroads_Romeo]

Keep your head up, I’m not schizophrenic but I also am mildly on the spectrum and have a dissociative condition (rapid cycling bipolar) that certainly impedes my ability to stay motivated, it’s a cop out but I’ve found physical exercise has really changed my outlook and made me a more positively attuned individual, less focused on giving into my delusional side and moreso grounded in reality, obviously I’m not speaking from a position that truly understands what you’re going through, but I feel across the board finding a solid routine and sticking to it both quells my spergery and my manic shit two fold compared to the state I was in before, best of luck to you regardless, you’re stronger than you think my man, oh also, el psy congroo, stein’s gate is kino

[@TehNightfallen]

I have one of the above and my twin has the other. i wish you the very best, kindred soul

[@rodrigo_unk]

Hey DaeDreaming, no problem man, its fascinating ( and scary ) to read other peoples thoughts and pains. Maybe its when you actually express yourself that you can ( at least try ) to become more aware and feel less guilty about a problem you cant control. Shine on dood!!!

[@TarsonTalon]

Have you ever tried shaming the voices back? It's so easy for them to claim moral superiority, when they aren't the ones with their own body. Who are they to judge with no skin in the game? Who gave them the right to take roost in your head? If they don't like what you're doing, they can leave! I am autistic, but you see...I obsessed over understanding how the world works. And then when I realized how dysfunctional society REALLY was, I stopped being so self critical. I still hold myself to a high standard, but understand that I'm only human and I am going to make honest mistakes, and that I should only make sure to learn from them. I've never had the problem of lying a lot, because I was exposed to a lot of media at an early age, where the trope was a lie escalating into something out of control. So I was hesitant to lie about anything.

[@daedreaming6267]

@@rodrigo_unk Thank you.

[@timelordricknmorty8179]

i think a lot of "negative" "autistic" traits like extreme guilt might be more of a result of trauma from the experience of growing up autistic rather than innate autistic traits. middle school and high school ruined me and im more withdrawn than i was as a child as a result, i think

[@illseeyaonthedarksideofthemoon]

Disability and their symptoms are caused by deficiency in the neurological development, even considering the influence of the environment, autism is a physiological disease.

[@timelordricknmorty8179]

@@illseeyaonthedarksideofthemoon "physiological disease" man shut the fuck up all that shit is made up by neurotypical scientists pulling shit out of their asses. the best understanding we have of autism comes from autistic people sharing their experiences. i dont think a lot of nt doctors can grasp that autistic children go through unique trauma growing up because of how much general society is incompatible with our needs

[@Nai-qk4vp]

@@illseeyaonthedarksideofthemoon [citation fucking needed]

[@gagrin1565]

@@Nai-qk4vp IKR?

[@saulemaroussault6343]

I think it’s a big part of it. But also a recent study found that autistic people are more altruistic than allistics, so it might play a part too.

[@steph0_00]

The “overdeveloped conscience” is absolutely amazing description. Also, it can be really motivating at times,. However not the best when one is in a situation that overwhelms them or are currently going through a breakdown. Thank you for this videos .

[@kalypsodeepsea982]

"I am fine" "I must not disappoint my parents " "I didn't acknowledged that something was wrong with me " Constantly offending without knowing it "Never being good enough " These lines resonate with my so much 😔. This video makes me want to hug you, Max. I live with this negative and toxic feelings. I never can take a break, I should always be better, I don't have the right to not be okay, I have to be the best. They follow me like my shadow. I used to be a mermaid queen with broken fins, fins your Discord server helped me fix the broken fins and swim. Thank you. 🙏🏻💜💚💙🧜🏼‍♀️🐚

[@kalypsodeepsea982]

Thx. If you know me either personally or from Discord, you know mermaids are a big thing for me

[@Paulito-ym4qc]

@@kalypsodeepsea982 mermaids are awesome!

[@kalypsodeepsea982]

@@Paulito-ym4qc I agree 💙

[@maxderrat]

My Discord server is infinitely better because you're in it, Kalypso. BTW, nothing I just said there is an exaggeration. I choose my words carefully.

[@kalypsodeepsea982]

@@maxderrat now you made my day 🤩🤩🤩

[@FableWolfe]

Not autistic myself, but depression has been a lovely curse throughout my life. I definitely get the guilt part, that's something depression emphasizes well.

[@alwaysfutureneverpastmakep7307]

Same here, especially with the depression, I have a lot of guilt, I often have flashbacks to things I feel guilty about.

[@moonshinewolf4840]

Same my depression always loves to remember me that I’m a horrible person who doesn’t deserve anything good in life.

[@alwaysfutureneverpastmakep7307]

@@moonshinewolf4840 I feel the same way

[@marocat4749]

Hope it got aat least better. Its ust a not good thing that exist, no need to be ashamed. Hug.

[@cupsoup6401]

@@moonshinewolf4840 literally same vut i have done so many awful things so idk how i should feel. idek what i should do.

[@AyubuKK]

And then on other parts of the spectrum, some other autists have an issue with ALWAYS telling the authentic truth of their mind. Even when it isn’t socially acceptable.

[@shkurka4828]

I can't lie for the life of me. If I don't actively stop myself I end up revealing some very personal things to people that don't need to know. When I lie it gives me anxiety and I get paranoid thinking about what would happen if they find out I was lying. I embarrassed myself so many times simply because I was too honest or too open to people.

[@shkurka4828]

I wasn't diagnosed but I definitely think I'm neurodivergent. My family always said that I was smart and that whenever I did something socially unacceptable I did it on purpose, but I actually just genuinely didn't know how to properly behave, and I'm still learning. Any group of people I end up in always ends up alienating me because I seem odd to them. It's heartbreaking and this is what led me to become a full on shut in after I lost my job. Sorry for the rant.

[@iota-09]

Oh yeah. But honestly(huh...) I'd rather be obnoxiously sincere than a liar. The way i deal with it is by neither ever lying(saying no instead of yes and things if that nature) while also having set reactions to certain topics... Although that can make talking about certain topics beyond taboo unless i absolutely trust the other person, like sexuality, sensitive topics, or even dumb things like music taste and food culture as i tend to get easily heated on those topics. In those cases i tend to just get out of the conversation straight away, explaining i might not feel comfortable about it because they're either touchy subject or topics i KNOW that will make me angry if i get a certain type of response.... But this does in the end limit to a morbid extent my social reach, especially in places say like twitter, where only extremism is (seemingly) accepted and any median opinion tends to be seen as bad from either side, whatevere that opinion is on(even a dumb example like "i think dark souls 1 is good but too clunky for modern day gaming standards and thus i can't fully appreciate it" while a median opinion on the subject could be admonished on such platforms)

[@acridyd]

@@shkurka4828 I relate to this statement so much. I'm not sure if I'm autistic either, but it sure feels like I am. I've had so many problems with being "too honest". It's made me wonder about honesty being the best policy. Man, the world does NOT want the truth.

[@ThePond1]

Yah I think I’m more on that side. I tend to overshare a lot

[@who_theme]

Mix my autism with guilt and OCD and the way I was raised (always made to feel guilty about everything) and it's a stew of depression and anxiety constantly

[@ms.pirate]

I'm so sorry for you :( i hope everything gets better for you

[@ms.pirate]

@yupyipit same, this year i only asked "if you insist on getting me something then ___" even asking one expensive present, i feel guilty about it. I feel guilty getting more stuff than my parents Note: I'm not good at putting sentences together. Sorry if it confused you

[@slappy5204]

@yupyipit you shouldnt ask for anything. i feel guilt if people get me anything for either christmas or my birthday, the reason you feel guilty for asking is because you dont deserve free stuff and deep down you know it

[@slappy5204]

@yupyipit i understand mate you need to stop receiving gifts, the nice things you get are nicer when you get them yourself, you want to alleviate yourself from some guilt say to them all you dont want anything and actually make them enforce it, you can still have a nice christmas with your family without taking those little boxes of guilt, even get them all something small and u will be boxing up your guilt and giving it away!

[@slappy5204]

@yupyipit i literally said to my family i dont want anything i dont feel like i deserve it and it makes me feel guilt and upsets me, i appreciate the sentiment but i really dont want it, and now the christmas periods are alot more enjoyable for me

[@clintdona4586]

Dang I didn’t know feeling extreme guilt was an autistic trait. I’ve tortured myself for days because I did something on accident and was informed that it was wrong. I questioned whether it was actually an accident and it’s the absolute worst feeling ever. Some of my autistic traits have gotten less sever as I’ve gotten older, including the guilt, but sometimes, I still feel completely horrible when I lie or do something wrong lol

[@cb6254]

Same here! I was wondering why my pcp asked if I ever felt extreme guilt after her asking if I had a learning disability.

[@KichiMiangra]

This... was a really important video for me to hear right now. I'm an adult autistic woman (Aspergers. Age 29. Diagnosed at age 17) and honestly guilt is the most stressful emotion that ever touches my brain, to the point that I may have guilted my guts into psychosymatically not working. I try not to lie. It's actually a trait I'm somewhat known for is my honesty, but of course sometimes people come to you looking for an honest answer to a question... and I know they're not going to like the answer. So know I have the choice of hurting their feelings (+Guilt) or lying to them (+Guilt). I often feel guilty about so many things that happen in my life that I can't escape or cope with because it's a guilt/guilt situation, like a coworker calling out so I come in to help, because if I find out they needed help and I was available to help I'll feel guilty... but then if I want to call out I... don't want to because that'll inconvenience somebody else and I'll feel guilty? But then I'm made the go to cover-er because I don't tend to say no but I also maybe had plans or just want to stay home on my day off... But THEN how do I say "Um no boss I don't want to come in and help out for a coworker, I want to stay home and draw?" Like... wow... first world problems right? Oh yeah drawing. I am a 29 year old adult working at a minimum wage job and I went to school for art. Great job me. I wasted my education on something I can't even use to not be a burden to my parents! Also great job me... I hold doodling on paper above helping out a coworker. I'm a great person. Speaking of being a great person man did I want to do some art commissions where the money would be donated to preserving Rosie the dead great white shark's body because I like sharks! Boy do I not want to even TRY to cope with the guilt of being told "Wow... to think you care more about a dead shark getting formaldehyde than say... getting clean water for Flint, or homeless people, or abused house wives, or something like that." It's cool to be told your a nice person for donating to get a shelter dog spayed so it's more likely to be adopted... but it really only takes one person to call you bad for caring more about a dog than a human to get the guilt train going. I feel guilty if I get sick because I'm inconveniencing someone else. I feel guilty if I'm playing a video game in the living room where my parents insist the game consoles go because they hate listening to my game. I feel guilty for having so many different art supplies because "Do I really need them???" I feel guilty if I'm not drawing a specific thing because I get a WHOPPING 7$ a month on my patreon and I STILL think I'm not providing NEARLY enough! I try to make money off my art but really it only take one person haggling me down to $4 to feel guilty that I'm clearly asking way too much if 4$ is all I'm worth. And then back to the "I wasted my time going to art school" thing. I feel guilty because asking people to accommodate me feels like I'm being entitled. I feel guilty because even many of the people who *Think* they are accommodating me... aren't actually listening... I feel guilty asking them to listen... and often times I just wish I was normal so I wouldn't feel this way. this started with intention of being smart words, but just turned into a list of me just saying everything I do for me makes me feel guilty because I'm not doing enough for somebody else. And I kinda feel guilty for that too...

[@izzyfox7575]

I couldn't even finish reading that because it was stressing me out with secondhand guilt so much! 😅

[@TheTingcat]

Humans are brilliant but also garbage, so there's lots of reasons to like animals more. I find they're a lot more predictable and reliable. And art is integral to human society - what would we do without graphic design, photography, music, books, postcards, wrapping paper etc. etc. and it's severely underrecognized as a very human and necessary thing. Humans have been making art and artwork for 12,000 years, longer than most academic subject. You can't be expected to think about or care about every single crisis or issue. Also, never charge less than minimum wage for your art - otherwise you might as well just be working a minimum wage job, since even those large corporations would value your time more. Cut those people who devalue you out of your life. You will be absolutely fine without them. They don't care about you, they care about exploiting you. You're allowed to stand up for yourself and your value, because it's without a doubt more than you realize. Always, always focus on doing enough for yourself before doing anything for anybody else. It's okay to be selfish and to look after #1 - especially when I can completely absolutely tell you that most people will be more selfish than you without even trying. If you ever want to talk or vent, I'm happy to give you my time.

[@paperl9328]

you can't support everything all the time, you know? raising money for something that means a lot to you is a good thing. you're doing a good thing. also, it doesn't have to be either/or. you can save up money for the whale now, and then later help people in flint. still, you can fight for every cause. you don't have to. it would be ridiculous to try. there are many, many others fighting alongside you, and they can and will donate to the other causes.

[@lily91109]

You're doing a good job, your brain can sometimes make you feel terrible when it should be rewarding you for how hard you work.

[@placer7412]

KichiMiangra I know ill get oofs for this - but I read your whole comment and thought "yeah thats the kinda girl I'd like to date."

[@SchnozMeister]

"We live in a society", nah how about "We live in a neurotypical world", now THAT'S where it's at. On the real though, this is a great video Max, keep up the good work bro

[@eggmcmuffin6067]

Yooo Schnoz, crazy to see you here, I loved your chainsaw man video

[@SchnozMeister]

@@eggmcmuffin6067 small world haha :^D

[@unicorntomboy9736]

@Space Bound What about a hetronormative world too

[@Kaeresh]

I used to say that I didnt grow up _in_ society. I grew up _with_ a society. Albeit, one that never really accepted me. How could they when I didn't even know who I was or how to accept me. :/

[@wipmegrandma8780]

I've recently met a lot of people in a hiking club full of interesting, usually neurotypical, people and it's been life changing. A funny recent memory was playing a 4 person card game with 1 diagnosed autistic guy, an ADHD girl, me with ADHD and a guy whose both ADHD and on the spectrum and it was hilarious and unique. Made me really see how much I, and I assume other neuroatypical people, feel pressured to justify ourselves just for being ourselves

[@DaemonetteLeilu19]

Thank you SO much for opening up on this. I have ADHD and immense guilt. That guilt caused me a lot of depression and anxiety. I hate that even tho you know yourself, not a lot of people will understand or help you. Advocate, persist, and be awesome. You got this.

[@Aspen717]

My fiancé is on the spectrum and people like you, who share your experience and story, have helped me understand him so much more. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.

[@hya2in8]

For several months to a year I've thought I was probably autistic & this confirms it. It's not just why I'm often awkward. That's why I can't look people in the eye. That's why I literally gasp remembering old embarrasing memories.

[@hinamiravenroot7162]

Depends on your age and gender. If you are under 16 it could be a symptom of drastic hormonal changes. Basicly your whole brain gets rewired when you hit 10-12. If you expierence extreme sadness without provocation and are 12-16 that could be an indicator to be normal. If not I would get tested

[@deadlegs187]

"unfortunately that seems impossible and you're just stuck with the guilt" those words rang so true

[@jackass315]

i have ptsd so i get toxic guilt and shame a lot when i did nothing wrong , and i have autism , so i feel it very intensely , i found by looking at my own eyes in the mirror i could get myself to look at others eyes for longer , it still creates a tension in my chest though does anyone else have trouble looking at their own face in the mirror?

[@damadatura]

Yeah me too

[@hecomin152]

I look at mine in the mirror and look away pretty soon after like theres nothing to see, its a 2 dimensional image, which my eyes don't stand out from, which is nothing like actual peoples eyes whom I see around me

[@umpteenexpression530]

...i like looking in the mirror but I used to be very insecure about my looks. I don't know the process that well because I haven't given it much thought but I got more confident after leaving public school, came to terms with my parents divorce, and had some trips on shrooms which pretty much shoved suicide and depression out of the way by the time I was 17. I love life. I find it magical and a real gift. I just got done walking around my elementary school and seeing the changes that have been made. Made me cry a little bit. Reminded me of how special I should treat each day and the sensations it brings with it. Like how you'll never see an exact replica of a cloud. There's definitely similarities but damn are there some awesome and unique sights that come here and there because of puffy water vapor in the atmosphere. It's amazing.

[@consumebees1404]

As someone who doesn’t have PTSD but grew up in a very controlling and manipulative household, looking in the mirror kinda feels like looking at someone else. Like it looks like me, but not? Person in the mirror looks happy or sad or angry, and that makes me feel anxious, looking into its eyes feels like looking at something that I shouldn’t be doing. My fault that it’s that way? Am I allowed to do this? Look at this person, hug this person, admit weakness and guilt to this person? I have no idea how to put it into exact words, but overall just uncomfy

[@lily91109]

I've always found looking at my face in the mirror weird. I'd look, look, and look. What was I supposed to think? Why did I spend so much time looking at myself in the mirror when I didn't really feel anything about my face? What emotion has been hidden from me? Why does it feel like I'm so far away?

[@yorkshireteafan]

I'm so glad I found this channel. I really, really needed that.

[@finecastleie]

I have aspergers and I would often find myself stressing over the most minor things, even when I tell myself that its nothing, it still weighs on my conscious

[@zanly5039]

true though holy shit

[@nicolearaujo330]

Same

[@4SquirrelsInATrenchcoat]

I've suffered from extreme guilt my entire life. I got my diagnosis when I was 30. For the first 30 years of my lift I just thought I was crazy. I've been learning about my asperger's syndrome (I dislike very very much that it was blended into the spectrum because I do feel there's a distinction) for the last almost a decade (ugh, I'm old), and it never once occurred to me that my constant guilt could be related to my neurological issues. Thank you so very much for talking about this. It's actually clarifying some of my behaviors to myself, and that's just stupidly helpful. Bless you, fellow aspie and internet stranger.

[@neonoir__]

Trust me, if you are in a job interview, even if it kills your soul, act neurotypical. And don't ever put anything about autism on your resume ever, they don't want to take the risk. Just say that you are "an extroverted people person" and act like one for the interview.

[@KichiMiangra]

Put on your "Neurotypical Costume". I have many costumes. and those costumes are different things that make me a different person when I wear them. My Rockabilly dress is a little over dressed for it's job, but I get chores done better like a good little 1950's house wife when I wear it. I have a very professional set of clothes: Nice ironed slacks, a dress shirt, a little pin on the collar, a nice sweater over top. That's what I wore to my job interview. The rest of my clothes are tshirts with aliens on them. I don't like people when I wear those. Those are my ME clothes. And when I wear my work uniform I am a good little worker, friendly, and helpful and only out to make the customer's experience better, so much so that I am a favorite of the regulars and when I was out sick they were asking about me a lot because I made their day. Worker me is not Me, but I play the part well in my "Employed Costume"

[@TarsonTalon]

Depends on the job. I chose a low wage job specifically because I did not want to compete with liars and cheaters. I never asked for a raise, which lets me get away with a little more than a normal person can, in terms of mental breakdowns. All my boss truly cares about is that I work hard and I'm honest. If once in a blue moon I have to walk away from a situation to clear my head, it's fine because they know I'll be back with a morale reset. I always keep them up to date with my mental state when necessary. Because of this, I have been getting better and better with dealing with stress. Before, when something unnecessarily BS happened, I'd storm off with only a declaration I was doing so. Now, a five minute conversation is all I need to vent.

[@KugutsuYushiro]

That'll get you the job but it'll also get you a nervous breakdown one day. It happened to me. It happened more than once even because I kept saying "this time I'll really keep it together and find ways to blow off steam outside of work" or whatever I'd tell myself. Some Autistics I'm sure have higher tolerance than I do, but I do wonder if any can actually truly out up with having a mark on for 40 hrs a week(not excluding all the other times you're wearing some other mask) for years and years.

[@zebnemma]

This. Exactly this. I wouldn't ever dare to say in an interview that I have aspberger because then they most likely think I'm "one of those" bad examples people think of. So I have to go to work suffering each day putting on a mask just to survive. It's sad that we have to hide that part of ourselves just for people to give us a chance. And I would never dare mention I have depression or anxiety issues either then there's no way I would get hired. I was at a job interview for elder care where they will pretty much hire anyone. ANYONE. But because I let it slip that I have a hard time doing eye contact because of aspberger she said that was a "problem" and turned me down... FFS... The fact that she turned me down because of eye contact when I know they sometimes hire immigrants that can't even speak the language of my country... Wow. Just wow. Made me feel like absolute shit knowing that I'm less valued in the job market than someone that came to my country 3 months ago, doesn't speak the language or has settled into our social culture yet...

[@KichiMiangra]

@@zebnemma my workaround on the eye contact thing is to focus on their teeth or nose instead of their eyes

[@fmango]

Pathological Guilt seems to be a trait in several mental illnesses, such as Bipolar and Borderline. I would love to know the biological reason why, but believe me when I tell you that guilt goes into obsession and cn trigger mania and delusions for Bipolars

[@KimStennabbCaesar]

It's hard, really hard. I feel you, stranger.

[@身赤-w3w]

It's because neurotypicals constantly make us feel bad for being ourselves.

[@VogtTD]

I suspect it is more social than biological. Many comorbidities of atypicals I feel are inflicted upon us by the way we are treated in society, especially as children in school.

[@roseclouds5838]

constantly having to mould yourself into acting neurotypical so whenever you’re normal you are hyperaware of you showing all of your “flaws”

[@Pensive_Scarlet]

You know, I really think at least some autistic tendencies are brought about as adaptations to societal pressures. It's interesting how, only until very recently, the standard stereotypical expectations placed on biological males included this idea of "being strong" by pretending nothing is wrong when it really is. While saying "fine" and moving along is very detrimental for the individual, it creates the illusion for outsiders that you're able to endure pressure without issue. If you ever feel like sharing more, I'm really curious about the details of your childhood routine, like what was going on under the surface, and how you approached gaming in particular. Since I'm asking you to share, I'll share a memory, too: I think video game music might have been actually therapeutic for me from an early age. I remember coming home depressed and alone, dragging myself to my room, turning on the NES... and the instant sound of the opening for Mega Man 3 was so compelling I picked my backpack back up, walked out of the room, then re-did my whole entrance, confidently tossing my backpack aside when the beat kicked in. I was, like, 8 maybe? Moments like that are probably why one of my biggest goals is to reach people with the music I compose.

[@Justaguy2785]

I have those experiences too! I've had them for years lol, game music just brings out emotions in me that I can't express naturally by myself without it feeling "wrong" or "shameful." As an aspiring game developer, I too want to resonate with people game music. I hope you achieve your goal man, I really do.

[@Wishfeather819]

Same, but not with video game music. I use music to channel my physically painful emotions and vivid daydreams. Glad I’m not the only one who feels the music in their soul!

[@MLBlue30]

I love video game music, I would hum or think about each of the robot master themes often I was a big mega man fan also as a kid.

[@consumption4599]

One thing I liked to do as a kid and stil do to this day was plan out sessions and runs for video games, and was extremely partial for rpgs. I loved to figure how to max out my skills in helgen dungeon in skyrim, plan the perfect route for my stealth sniper build in new vegas and create the best farms possible for that one sword or tool I needed in terraria, theres something just so satisfying about having and initiating an almost flawless plan with precision and skill

[@Shiruvan]

Video game music huh... weird, I love music and playing out the detail in my mind, I was 5 years old when I felt like I have to know how to get music playing on DOS games, because the music just took me away from the annoying world, otherwise I'm not going to play, but... there's just so little to do back then, because school was pretty far from home and so did schoolmates, and I just didn't feel like knowing my other schoolmates if I have games to play and look forward playing. I play musical instruments self-taught, and although I consider myself possibly adequate because I can have fun, when I try to record I felt cringe when listening back, there's nothing wrong with my sound, everybody makes mistake, play sour tune, then I felt strong realization of that over-developed conscience, but all in all everything DID and DO felt objectively inadequate to my ears, all honesty that this video was talking about seems to take me somewhere really harsh self-criticism and listening to every little details more than necessary for beginner composer, ended up quitting/not finishing anything. I lost hope of ever getting into any musical circle because I can't stand the social downtime. even if I have basically met my hero because I was allowed to send my fanart(not music) to a Japanese videogame music composer, it only further worsen because not only I feel like someday play their tune and do all the things very well, I have to learn to communicate in another language I could only learn on my own in such old age(English has been my majorly used language in daily basis since I remember playing video games, it overridden my mother tongue greatly in fluency). I've still strong interest to their old and new works; as difficult Japanese is to learn, let alone by oneself... I think I'm seeing a pattern of increasingly massive challenge that excites and depresses me in one or different other time, because I want it.

[@davidc9652]

I'm 7f and I've experienced it all. I actually am looking forward to the end of my life. I am so tired of being misunderstood, of being "quirky", introverted, etc. I didn't even know I was high functioning autistic until I was 65. I wouldn't even know it now if my wife had asked me to go talk to someone about it. But learning that I was, didn't make feel better, even though it certainly opened my eyes to why I couldn't connect with people no matter how hard I tried. If I hadn't had my family, who supported me as I was, I surely would have committed suicide many, many years ago. Being bullied, having people mad at you or dislike you for no reason I could put together, praying to God on my way to school asking to be left alone and not made fun of, and wishing I had been paralyzed thinking that somehow this would get me some sympathy for being the way I was. You young people have some advantages now in that it is more widely known, more resources to help you get through it, and more importantly you have each other. I grew up alone and I will die alone. I'm not angry, I don't blame anyone, it is what it is...but I hope I find in heaven what I was unable to find here.

[@vampirepossum8544]

Especially in an abusive household the guilt can be really crushing. Guilt can be one of the worse emotions I feel because I feel it so much on instinct now

[@Carcharadroid]

I found this at such a strange hour, but at the perfect time. This really spoke to me. The constant nagging sense of guilt is one that weighs heavy. I spend so much energy trying to seem OK because I don't want to burden the people around me with my problems, because I don't feel worth the stress it might cause them. All these comforting words, reminding me that I'm not alone in the ways I feel, AND you have content for Silent Hill and FromSoft games? Hot damn. Definitely subscribing.

[@Lymmar]

I feel the same. Just yesterday I had a major mess up at work, and the guilt was paralyzing. Usually I can take calls and roll my eyes at the silly IT problems people have, but once guilt was in the picture, I could not get to courage to make one phone call. I just stared at the screen hoping something would happen that would justify not having to make the call.

[@mercenarygundam1487]

Sometimes, I feel like my guilt just eats me up on certain days. This video helps me understand myself even more. I cannot thank you enough. Another question a part of me answered.

[@deadlegs187]

You've personally helped me greatly to understanding myself a little. Thank you very much Max

[@samlaux3022]

“Even if you can’t convince others of your virtue, you can at least convince yourself” this quotes fits so damn perfectly, you can’t always convince yourself you’re great at something but when you’re convincing yourself to be honest with yourself it finally CAN work out that way

[@TheRoomforImprovement]

As someone with autism myself, I deeply empathize with you. I was in therapy last Monday and When we discussed whether or not it’s appropriate to disclose my autism during certain situations (work, school), I hit a dead end with my therapist because I interpreted this as her telling me not to disclose it at all. I want to be resepeted equally in spite of my autism and I want to be ok with it. But sometimes I wonder if I’m developing a victim complex.

[@SuperGingerBickies]

Spot on, Max. Everything is spot on. I am on the AS, I feel guilt all the time. I am useless at lying. When I would go hiding in the ladies' washroom with anxiety attacks when faced with intense, 'forced' social situations and was asked where I have been all this time, I'd tell the truth - but that would not be enough for some people, especially my family, then things would escalate, there would be a meltdown and I'd be blamed for spoiling their evening and making a show of myself in front of people. Your work experiences also resonate, because work doesn't worry me but people and so-called work politics and cliques have been nothing but torture. My many health issues, as well as my AS and the meds I'm on, have lessened my chances of ever being employed again ... unless I get support and help to do something of my own. I hated school, too - not learning because I devour information - but school life itself was pretty bad and made worse by so many other factors.

[@ShadaOfAllThings]

I have no clue what I "really" have. There's a lot it could be, from disorders on the spectrum to ADHD I cope with ridiculously well to something entirely novel because I discovered cognitive modification at a young age. But what I do know is that not only did I empathize and recall my own life from what you talked about in this video. I also know that discovering the concepts of Neurodiversity and ableism and so on helped me cope with a lot of my issues, as it suddenly made sense that even if I wasn't always doing right, I wasn't always the only person to blame in a given situation. Its nice to see someone else acknowledging this. To see someone else put a concept that remained stubbornly wordless in my head to words from their own lived experiences. And what I do know from years of trying to beat these overactive empathy and guilt triggers in my head into more useful shapes is that you can make progress. I use the metaphor of smithing often for this. It takes time, pressure, strength, and the will to keep going even if it cracks before you hit the finish line. You can always melt back down your work and start again, and next time it'll be a bit better, if only because you keep the experience you gained from the last one.

[@kota86]

That smithing analogy is incredibly helpful for me. Thank you!

[@manuhakala]

I probably wouldn't use my Asperger a an excuse for offending someone. It would feel like I'm using it as a get out of jail free -card

[@RobRandolph80]

Yeah, I don't bring it up, because I don't want people to let me slide if I do something weird.

[@theeguy9022]

Yea I dont like talking about it cuz then I'll hear people pitying me and stuff but I dont want that I want to be treated like any other person I want the same punishment as others even if it harder for me

[@PoutineProductions]

This is why I observe carefully what people do with their actions. Regardless of mental illness or not, if I can tell they are trying to be better, I'll let it pass but I will speak up. It's about training the brain, at times we also need help each other out with patience. Now, if they don't show any change for years. I just give up and hope for the best. Some people don't care and just laugh about their wrongdoings then continue doing it. Also for me age is a big factor, I will forgive those who are still younger but I wont forget, I will scold them for it if they do. One must learn and it id especially crucial at a young age.

[@PoutineProductions]

But I have met two people who try to get out of trouble by telling people they have autism, then proceed to say so much sexist, racist, and just terrible things. They expect to be forgiven for that because, "I have autism, sorry." and they wont even try to change. They will find it funny. :c They are trying to make autism look bad.

[@princesseuphemia1007]

@@PoutineProductions Yeah that sounds like my brother in law in a nutshell. He also tries to cheat on his wife and grope women right in front of her and she and her whole family just make excuses for him saying "He has autism he doesn't know any better" when he damn well does. There is a definite difference between someone with autism messing up by accident and genuinely trying to do better next time and someone like him who does in fact use it as an excuse to do whatever he wants and not change.

[@PhonedIn]

For all the downsides of the internet, one positive thing is that I've learned I'm not alone in my struggles. There are other people out there with the same or very similar problems who are coping and getting through life, however difficult it is, and that's encouraging.

[@zuspicious4968]

Accidentally stumbled across this on my feed and I think it's a really good video. I'm neurotypical myself but I've got some friends who are on the spectrum, and this was a great insight into how they think and operate that really helped me understand and empathise with them a bit more. Misinformation about mental health is everywhere, so having resources like this online to learn about these things without having to do a degree in psychology is incredibly helpful. So I guess thank you for doing what you do man.

[@burynice289]

Ironically the Souls series is one of my "autistic focuses", weird finding this vid out of nowhere. Thanks for this, very accurate.

[@angelTechnician64]

Same actually (though it's on the back burner for now), it's half the reason i clicked on it

[@MISERABLE_WRETCH]

Same for me Gandalf :)

[@angelTechnician64]

@Andrew Sossaman you're allowed to be proud of your own interests without tossing others under the bus, you know.

[@ZGGuesswho]

You assemble words beautifully, I can tell you have actively reflected for a really long time which comes with a kind of isolation as well, sorry for your suffering

[@ZGGuesswho]

also i love your game content and mgs stuff!

[@KimStennabbCaesar]

Isolation does not necessarily equate suffering. Sometimes it is needed.

[@magiccookie22]

I've never been officially diagnosed but I have my suspicions and a few stacks of evidence. I can definitely relate to that "never feeling good enough" or "I'm a disappointment", or any of the other anxiety driven thoughts constantly lurking in your head. Its been hell in a handbasket for me the past two years but I can definitely attest to one thing-- live authentically. Your best is your best and that's more than okay.

[@lucasxpify]

Holy shit, you opened my eyes and mind to such obvious things I struggled in my life it's disturbing

[@chonknorgget1770]

Holy cow, I'm on the spectrum and struggle with this so bad, I had no idea it was a part of autism. Really glad I found this video!

[@jayjustjay7871]

Im not on the spectrum but my childhood was exactly that...lying.

[@smy3486]

This could apply to a lot of people who were dealing with mental health problems as a child. Or kids with very controlling parents!

[@jayjustjay7871]

@@smy3486 my house hold was a bit abusive.

[@SobrietyandSolace]

Yeah autistic and BPD are a hell of a combination. I either spill the truth too much and offend/upset/weird people out or I am pathologically economical with the truth for fear of rejection. Lying was a survival tactic even for a perfectly behaved kid in my house. My dad was truly a monster.

[@身赤-w3w]

Sounds like your parents did really bad things if you didn't lie.. 😟 you were just surviving

[@marocat4749]

You therapy, with the clicking therapeuth, can help a lot dealing, if you do, sorry.

[@Nightfall2195]

Max i just found your channel and i instantly fell in love with your content! You sound like the most down to earth,relatable person on this platform! Thank you for existing!

[@IceKoldKilla]

I need to get diagnosed. I've never known what I have exactly. Everyone who claims to know says it's one thing or another or both. First off, my mind races. I cannot change this. It's how my brain naturally works. As a result, I overanalyze within seconds. I picture every possible scenario I can before an event so I can predict the outcome and therefore feel more comfortable in social spaces. This took years to learn though. That was how I learned to cope. Instead of worrying so much and always be shy, nervous, anxious, etc. I put that speed to work and tried to calm myself down. With experience, as time went on I became super comfortable trying to predict things. It's not good, I agree but it was way better than the alternative. But I'm always open minded willing to change and improve. But wanting to be comfortable is a huge flaw of mine and of humans. It's hard though as I deal with depression. Something I was definitely diagnosed with more than once. Medication was ok then bad. Stopped. Therapy was expensive for my single mother. It helped a bit then nothing. Tried groups for addicts as gaming was viewed as an addiction growing up. Wasn't one. Just a symptom. It was my way of coping with loneliness and feeling like no one understood me. Third culture kid. I grew up in various countries never setting roots. I always felt like an outsider and on top I had all this shit in my head no one knew about. Man, it's been tough. The only person to understand me is my brother but we aren't as close as we should be. He's far now. I'm here in London alone. Been for 4 years. It's been amazing to grow and my first real job was here when I moved. Escape room company. Allowed to learn to talk to groups of people and couple and every size basically. All types. It's been crucial in my growing. But now I find myself 3 years in, smoking weed. It's how I numb shit and slow my brain down to focus on one thing only. Its amazing to be able to focus on a song and nothing else. Not analyzing every instrument and sound and lyric. Being able to just enjoy it all together. Music helped me so much and therefore I play guitar to continue to grow. It's like another language. The things I can express on guitar can't be expressed with words. It's beautiful. Music and weed saved my life. I would've left this Earth long ago if it wasn't for this. The only consistent things in life for me no matter what country I end up. Sorry for this. I just felt like sharing after hearing about autism. I still can't fully grasp everything but I try to put myself in those shoes. After all, I feel life is more interesting when you start to explore various perspectives that exist. Perspectives based on each and everyone's brain, culture, childhood, education, life experiences, etc. Everything defines someone. If I can understand your side, I can understand life more and help others. I dunno, I'll stop rambling. I do it a lot, sorry. Thanks to whoever read this whole thing 😅

[@praisethesun69]

no apologies needed friend. my experience is similar and it is very comforting to know that people are out there who understand. spiral out, keep going :)

[@praisethesun69]

@J X H bruh wtf

[@RickFoxChicken]

Going through these comments has been great for me, I'm going in for an evaluation soon. The part about weed was particularly interesting, as I've often had the same thought. Just being able to slow down and only worry about the present, (usually video games) and relax all the difficult and conflicting feelings swimming through my mind. I also play music, and in my loneliness it's been one of my only forms of peace and expression. Thank you so much for sharing, this comment section has been better than therapy for me. I hope your depression gets better, I was diagnosed 12 years ago and it's no way to live.

[@mamamommy42]

thank you for sharing this. it was very relatable and i'm glad you have music and playing guitar to keep you going.

[@ediodimacaroni]

@J X H based

[@trentonrothan9724]

I have been struggling with these issues for my entire life. You hit all of the points exactly. This video has helped me to lift weight off of my chest. I have been seeing a psychologist about my concerns, but he never told me about how autism affects guilt. I also struggle to represent myself in normal conversations and it leads to constant misunderstandings in my family. This can lead to me giving up because of my struggle to articulate how I feel. I think this psychology is definitely playing into a lot of my life. I cannot thank you enough for what you do.

[@ArekusaSan]

I just discovered your channel, and almost didn't click this video because the title and thumbnail was too painfully accurate to what I've struggled with. I didn't think I was gonna get throught the video with every point that was brought up; it felt like someone was peering into my brain and my life with scathing accuracy. However, I watched it all, and I'm glad I did. The message at the end to live authentically really resonates with me. It's soothing because well, maybe I don't have to lie to protect myself, and then deal with the burden of being untruthful. I now know it's a common thing in aneurotypicals, and not some defect of mine in an isolated case. I feel a lot more reassured. Thank you for this video.

[@ghostlightningboi5618]

I have Aspergers. Imma share this video to my facebook. THANK YOU for being my voice.

[@VoiceOfTheEmperor]

I have genuine Asperger's Syndrome and I can tell you that *EVERYTHING* in your video is true.

[@localegoist4079]

imagine not developing a Superiority complex and extreme apathy to deal with the constant stream of ableism that our neo-liberal hell world produces 😂😂😂

[@leonardojimenez6079]

@@localegoist4079 Jesus man, who are you and why you can read my mind? xD

[@jasonblundelldobebussing]

It's so funny that this comment was posted a minute after the video was uploaded. Heh. 🌚

[@moritzkern1053]

@@localegoist4079 I have to agree. That seems very hard indeed.

[@hecomin152]

@@localegoist4079 if you're not autonomically navigating the mirage of individualist actualisation to produce the metaprofits a deniably collectivist atomised oxymoronic society needs, that's on you slacker, you're the reason we need to outsource

[@peach_total]

holy shit the part about getting a job hit so close to home. i don’t know how many times i’ve tried to explain to people that i don’t have an issue with HAVING a job, but the idea of the process of GETTING a job fills me with debilitating anxiety

[@Avidauthor]

I cannot thank you enough for making this video. I've struggled so much with this and, genuinely, believed I was an awful person decieving and manipulating everyone around me. This... Really is something I needed. I'm going to go back and watch your other content--this was my first exposure. Keep fighting the good fight--i know how hard content creation can be when your mental health is fighting you at every step.

[@biirbyb6363]

it’s been nearly two years since you uploaded this but I really needed this. thank you for making my night end on a more reflective and peaceful note

[@slashandgamer]

The part of explaining string theory to a 5 year old is so true for so many people it is litteraly half of my friends. They are just incapable of truly understanding my problems. This includes girls who fell in love with me. How can you love someone who can't understand you?

[@nataleynakata3687]

I run into people who are generally encouraging to me-- you know, "your experiences and feelings are valid, I know b/c I've been there/ been through similar experiences, keep moving forward, be kind, put in the effort to grow from the shit in your life, and don't forget you're not alone." But... when I'm alone, or with someone I trust like with my mom, sometimes I just... don't treat my negativity like "wallowing in misery" so much as "visiting and schooling neglected kids huddled in the closet b/c they're being starved and ignored." And it comes out a lot with my dad (unnecessarily standing up to him when he's making a good point too harshly, being sarcastic and hostile to him, emotionally distancing from him when he's obnoxious and/ or just behaving in a toxic manner, not communicating effectively with him, not being there for him), though he's alluded to saying I could potentially treat difficult people I meet with similar difficulty: flusteredness, hostility, sarcasm, emotional walls, underhanded undermining. So after all the hurt from enough pent-up negativity, the encouragement and conflicting self-care vs. putting others before myself situation just feels like added pain. I have a friend who... well, we're amiable with each other and we're both university students so understand to some degree that we can't meet to hang out b/c of academic expectations (homework, projects, struggles with those on mental/ emotional fronts, etc.). But when we were sitting down to watch a movie, I blurted out that I liked spending time with them when they said that they liked spending time with me... and then things sped up. I'll stop there for identity protection and so that I can keep this comment short, but... well, from there I guess... I'm starting to find that I tend to not always trust words and dialogue, even from people trying to help me, when I think there's not a lot of action behind them. And I'm REALLY sensitive to PDAs when I know I don't feel the same towards them. (Not in an intentionally impolite or rude way, to clarify.) So... it's kind of the opposite. I try to be as understandable as I can, but for the fear of people not understanding me... I haven't really dealt with it strongly beyond just trying to behave as "neurotypically" as I can. I look into trying too many things at once without taking my limits/ health/ concerns/ dates of events into account, I go behind others' backs sometimes when I want to be on my own or "be part of the solution in the moment, rather than part of the problem"... and, well... yeah. Don't do what I'm doing. It's another cycle of misunderstanding altogether (there's some effective communication in there, but it's still one-sided and a bit complicated in its own right).

[@fredithegeroo906]

I was diagnosed when I was young, and I used to be nonverbal, but now as a twenty year old man, most people I met in my past and meet to this day can barely tell. I don't fake anything. Little odd for me, but I'm a bit of an ambivert; I can be extroverted but I can also be introverted. People I meet just know me as Jeff; the guy who will tell it as it is and won't sugarcoat stuff. I've had people say mean things to my face, and even shame me for not being a liar. As of today, the issue with society is that it values those who are willing to lie and cheat the system, and make people feel more messed up than they are. It's sick and I hate it.

[@comedygold6249]

Dude I may not be on the spectrum, but let me say, this channel has truly helped me out during some of the darkest times of my life 👍

[@CrazyAlienLady051]

Have Autism myself and my Depression has been on and off because, of the crap i had to deal with in the past that my brain won't let me be free from.

[@donkeykongisytpooping3002]

So like if some drama happened in the past your mind will keep coming back to it? Because that’s been happening to me for about a month now thanks to some old drama.

[@CrazyAlienLady051]

@@donkeykongisytpooping3002 yeah pretty much.

[@Zach3423]

Yeah I deal with that too, I can never seem to move on from my mistakes, they always pop back into my mind and then I always have a panic attack when that happens

[@Dwarfman133]

This is the most relatable video I have ever watched. Listening to you list off things that I have dealt with in my life almost exactly made me feel happy that I wasn't alone in my struggles. Thank you so much for this video, seriously thank you.

[@cronchyskull]

I can't believe you made this video as recently as you have! I am Autistic, diagnosed as an adult too, and have been having a lot of trouble dealing with guilt, what I say, how to be a lot this past month. It's nice to know it's a legitimate concern and that I'm not alone.

[@embroideredragdoll]

I feel this and severe guilt over things I've done as a child. Now I try to forgive myself and remind myself that things have passed.

[@rubix187]

Keep up the good work Max!

[@mateuszorzechowski5440]

Autism and Guilt sounds like my life

[@ryannishikawa1356]

This

[@ridleyroid9060]

Guilt is an overwhelming and constant daily presence for me. Not a day passes without me feeling guilty about something that I, in truth, can recognize is benign and possibly not even rational to feel guilty about (like I feel guilty about greeting a female co worker with a fistbump instead of a handshake). I often have guilt flashbacks which cause me physical pain and remind me of this guilt, and I can say that it is the most negative experience in my life, aside from lonelinss I also struggle with. Thank you Max for this video, as I am brought to tears by having someone who can understand the pain I, and many others which share this condition, go through.

[@yV__Vy]

i'm very happy to have found your video. For someone who is also on the spectrum and have ADHD this video speaks absolute volumes and i honestly feel ashamed at how truthful your words are. I am currently jobless and dropped out of college when my parents kicked me out during the pandemic because i stood up for myself against my mother's verbal abuse. I'm currently back at home but everyday im constantly battling with my conscious and i feel like a complete and utter failure for being unable to find a job/ stay in college.. i think your video has helped me understand to a degree that i shouldn't feel entirely guilty for the things that have happened currently in my life or when it comes to social interactions. I just want to thank you for making this video and im subscribing to your channel for more content (i also really enjoyed the gameplay in the background, i must admit i became a bit too distracted by it haha!)

[@devilbatgrim]

ouch i relate to this immensely as an autistic man whos going through the point in life where i'm trying to decide what i want to do career-wise while my nt friends are already excelling at that stuff.

[@patch-fm]

That part with school is just too close in reality, I was always saying I'm fine and stuff but I was relentlessly picked off a lot back then, I know I'm high functioning and all and act at least a bit normal, but really, those 5 years made me act cynical and distrustful to other's and all that, it was years of self doubt and a lot of uncontrollable anger and screaming. After talking to a psychiatrist that's when I found out that I had ASD, at first I was shocked and stuff, I started being angry to myself and questioning my existence. Then I found "Friends" online which were good at first but it slowly consumed me, it was an "addiction" to say the least, an unhealthy one, it was soon becoming toxic, and I had no choice but to move on and leave them for my own good, that was my moving point, that's the conclusion I found that was. Things end, and that you don't need to constantly find people when you know there's already people that care for you. No matter how I pretend to be narcissistic or be pretentious about it, which isn't the case, because at the end of the day, it's people that helps me and makes me happy that only matters and most of all, myself.

[@ThylineTheGay]

i feel guilt for no effing reason like a lot of the time

[@girthygumbolini882]

Dude thank you for making this video, this gives such a clear and concise view of guilt as it pertains to those with autism. I feel like ive had an epiphany, and it couldnt have happened without this video. Also your content is some of my consistently favorite stuff on youtube, and Im hoping that life starts treating you a little easier :)

[@Mr.Rainbow2299]

This video really helped me, im autistic, and for all my life i have been struggling with the over-developed conscious, i hate school and everything about it. Its like the entire world is forcing you to go to ur version of hell but they make it out to be heaven. I hate school. But seeing videos like these really help me understand more about myself and recognise my behaviour, but also to know that I'm not alone in this mad world. Thank you, for being such an inspiration for me and for letting others understand through your videos

[@yadidimeanmaine]

I don't know if I'm autistic or not. I feel like I could never talk to anyone about my mental state because of an OVERWHELMING fear of judgement. I prefer to just stay alone and never leave the house. I don't feel like a human being anymore...

[@ecco2gay]

same, I feel like everyone would start treating me differently.

[@evelustft9686]

Me: "i'll help others when i'm done helping myself" Alsome: "i'm such a selfish person"

[@Quackerilla]

"I don't need to take a break, there's work to do."

[@yetravellingsonc8372]

Me: Eh, i've got plenty of time, as long as i complete the 10 page essay by tonight i'm good. Also me: OH GOD THERE'S A 2 PAGE ESSAY DUE NEXT MONTH I'M SCREWED I AM SO SCREWED IT'S NOT ENOUGH TIME--

[@randomnerd3402]

@@yetravellingsonc8372 I only get stressed about when stuff is due, when I only have a couple of hours to do it. That's when I start to immensely stress about it.

[@ms.pirate]

Same

[@conspiracypanda1200]

@@yetravellingsonc8372 oh boy Executive Dysfunction! My _favourite_ ~...

[@CR-oc3vy]

Damn...currently in that “wave of bad memories” phase after realizing I’m autistic. It feels so helpful to understand my guilt in this way. The more I understand myself in the experiences I share with other autistics the more I can accept and take care of myself

[@thomaskloos6409]

I've always condoned a life of truth and tolerance, but the (social) worries me and my conscience cook up keep making my life so hard. I'm currently depressed/dealing with an anxiety disorder and I think most of it probably comes as a result from exactly what you described here. Thanks for sharing. I love you, my man, you're doing god's work here.

[@andieanderssen780]

Thank you so much for this video. My 6 year old son is on the spectrum *high functioning, and your video has been a wonderful, and informative watch! This has made me realise I need to find other ways I can approach him about telling the truth. And has also helped me understand what's going on for him personally when he does lie, or struggles to answer myself or husband honestly. You're doing a wonderful job with helping yourself and others! Definitely subscribing for more of your insight!

[@Oretal]

The job part hit me like a fucking truck man.

[@leosabat4636]

dam "no damage bloodborne" dam so precise.... Not an autist and I imagine that must be insane, I had problems getting and keeping a job for my 20s to 25ish. Just becaue I always have been pretty dumb picking body language , eye contact.... jesus man I remember films when i was a child and speak to other like If I were a zombie with a stare fix in one spot were there was nothing not even facing people. My mother think was autism but doctors confirm not to be the case, with years I realize what it was and tnk god was fixeable (doc was right no autism). Still getting a job when socialy akward is a monumental task and the guilt is insane. Ps : if you need to know I avoided social contact even if fore some reason have a massibe crave for it , I remember from when I play warcraft saying to a guildmate , dude "all the game is a excuse to reach out to other beings that live with you , our minds need to be remember that their are not alone". I have a hard time realizing that I was not introverted or extroverted. To needy socialy for introverted , but extroverted have alot of social conections. I am quality over quantity(cheap quantity make me feel alone) I am no doctor but as someone that literaly got skin problems when I was with a gf that his stress manifest rash , and got it in the same spots... yeah I call it exagerated empaty, but now tnks to max I will call it "over-developed empathy" . When I started looking into people more I realize that was fear to the connection what I had as a child , also woking I realize my cooworkers and the students usualy open up easier to me , and just chatting with them have this weird terapeutic effect for them. If you read to here well I could go on forever but your time is valuable(I try to be short), Hope you have a good day in this weird world and find how to fit your way of being in the social context , belive it there is always a way . Love yourself there is always a way. What is a human if not a pile of feelings! But enough talk... Have a good day!.

[@BallinKermit]

If you don't mind me asking.. What was your diagnosis? You said it was fixable and that it wasn't autism/aspergers?

[@leosabat4636]

@@BallinKermit the doctor said i was just depresive , even if he was right was more the consecuense and not the cause. edit: i whanted to clarify because I clearly dont know what being having autism /asperger is and didnt whanted to be like "oh me to" . I share my experience only ,.. well dont know reely the viedeo got me a bit in the feels department

[@BallinKermit]

Leo Sabat Thank you for your reply. Why do you think eye-contact is so uncomfortable for some people?

[@leosabat4636]

@@BallinKermit The only thing i see as a constant is that is a more intense social interaction , speed up the body language comunication and makes harder to hide what you feel from both sides. Also must be diferent for someone with asperger , my mother works with few of them and they feel reely unconfortalbe , but is a wide spectrum not all are the same. For me was the intensity of it pretty much mind reading (feels department) and like static if there is many like cant keep up with all the feedback coming in. I learn to not fear it this days just tires me usualy 1 day a week I just rest from people and all is good.

[@turtleboy1188]

I like how honest you are

[@Birmanncat]

I felt every word in this video, god damn.

[@BigKnack]

Sorry about what y'all have to go through, and what you have gone through. Thanks for the fresh perspective

[@MrKylelee18]

Thank you. I’m a father of a 4yr old with autism that has trouble communicating. And with the virus around he doesn’t get to socialize with other kids. My wife and I are always trying to find ways to understand him so we can help make him comfortable communicating more. His progress is improving but sometimes he shuts down when he gets distracted. I appreciate your transparency. It gives people like my son a chance to be understood. I’m going to follow more of these videos.

[@martinbeckmann9376]

Implied guilt is nuerotypical societies mind games of keeping others on edge in order to control them.

[@Roman-xk7fk]

I urge you guys to read 'The Book of Disquiet' by Fernando Pessoa. He describes what sounds to me like a profound belief in the metaphysical horror of acting. Something I feel stems from the author's own over-developed conscience. I'm not finished with it yet myself, but I can't overstate just how haunting and beautiful of a book it is. I'd imagine it would resonate even heavier with many of you than it has for me.

[@thatonedude]

Honestly.. I really thought I was alone. Thank you.

[@jockrot-fixit719]

I subscribed because of this video and I'm so glad you are bringing this up. I often feel guilty for things I haven't even done or was going to do or how much better the outcomes could have been. It involves alot of time out to wrap my head around what is happening and my perceived outcomes

[@tybg111]

Man.... I can’t even describe how much I appreciate you and your videos and the validation and hope I feel from watching them

[@pointcuration1278]

You may judge yourself harshly, but you are enough. Your effort is enough. Your being adds more to the world than your could imagine.

[@Aklemvaeo]

I share a good number of those experiences, thought I've never been diagnosed with autism. I have however, with major depressive disorder and some type A/schizotypal trait (I can't recall exactly, I never went and got a copy of the diangosis) and there might be a loose overlap, but I'm no Carl Jung. Runs in the family, shitty mental health genetics. I know what you mean by poor wording (or lack of understand the situation) leading to... poor outcomes. After an booze fueled disagreement with family over the phone, a misunderstanding led to police involvement and the following application of Canadian red-flag laws. Everything has been settled properly and all forgiven, but there's not a day goes by that I think I probably could have handled it better. I have these old memories of social interactions that'll just strike into my mind out of nowhere like a pin, thinking "yup, fucked that one up, too." I joke about it to my buddies that it's just "that old Catholic guilt." I find the only reliable way to deal with it is too keep busy doing something. Anything. Reading and studying human behavior so I can at least try to act normal with a reasonable amount of honesty, like Max said - I agree that's probably a good way to approach it. It's a bit of cold comfort to know I'm not alone out there. Godspeed people, didn't mean to rant.

[@excitingmeat2159]

Wow, this feels weird to have all this stuff I experience contextualized.

[@tinytealeaves]

How haunting: "When they really need it", is about me, today. Right now. I just discovered your channel, on the heels of a falling-back-through-time meltdown spiral, and holy moly did I need this. Thank you for helping me fell less alone. Liked and subbed, and going to look for more vids!

[@aurora.bo.realis]

i wanted to thank you for this video, i barely found it today but recently ive been struggling a lot more to cope with the fact i cant live up to the standards of my neurotypical friends and family, but hearing your thoughts and advice really lifted my spirits, thanks a lot!

[@sethdusith6093]

I have autism. Sometimes you must just soldier on as yourself. Worst case scenario, the people who stick around accept it as who you are. It's not easy being stressed out about something you might not be capable of remedying. Sometimes you gotta accept you might hurt people

[@NephilimHunter1959]

There have been times when i've made a mistake at work or something and the Guilt will literally make me suicidal.

[@itsclemtime2357]

After watching this video, I’ve realised something about myself. I’m not like other people on the spectrum, I’m not startled by loud noises or music. I handle working with other people fine, I actually like working with others. I find it really easy to make friends. And I don’t have a fixation on a game or film series. I’m a real anomaly..

[@rach4175]

This video really means a lot. As someone on the spectrum, I typically feel large amounts of guilt over my inability to understand the tone of a conversation or social setting and the repurcussions that arise from that. It really does take a lot of strength to remind yourself that there are some things you just aren't as good at as other people, and you're not a horrible person for accidentally upsetting someone or ruining the mood.

[@c0ntrolledchaos]

wow man im glad i found your channel, i was diagnosed with Asperger's, adhd, and oppositional defiance. I went through so many doctors as a child because of my erratic behavior in school. i would often lie (and still struggle) just to get out of a stressful situation because i did not know how to consciously confront the problem at hand. It's strange how these problems carry over the spectrum. the weight of guilt is harder to deal with when you struggle to grasp the idea of coping. it's something i've dealt with for years. but cheers mate, this video helped a lot and you're definitely not alone out there.