Autism and Shame - Are you damaging your relationships?

As an autistic person, have you ever heard a voice at the back of your mind saying that you are a mistake or that you are not worthy of love, inclusion, acceptance, etc? If this ever occurs to you, that might be "shame" speaking.
Shame has a huge effect on our lives. Shame prevents us, autistic people, from looking into ourselves in an objective way. In this video, I share how badly shame affects our perception of ourselves, decision-making, beliefs, and even our relationship with other people.
TIMESTAMPS:
00:00 - Introduction
00:13 - How shame affects autism
01:54 - How shame prevents us to improve ourselves
02:30 - The opposite message of shame
03:42 - How shame gets in a way of relationships
06:52 - Result of internalizing the positive message of shame
CHANNEL LINKS:
Patreon: / aspergersfromtheinside
Facebook: / aspergersfromtheinside
Twitter: / aspiefrominside
Written Blog: aspergersfromtheinside.com/
More Videos: / aspergersfromtheinside
Email: [e-mail]
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// WELCOME TO ASPERGERS FROM THE INSIDE!!
My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.
If you're new you can check out a playlist of some of my most popular videos here: / aspergersfromtheinside
Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this blog, because if I didn't show you, you would never know.
As the name suggests, this channel is devoted to giving you insight into the world of Aspergers.
This blog started off being just my story, but I've learned SO MUCH about my own condition
from meeting others on the Autism Spectrum that now I make sure to feature their stories as well.
I've come a long way in my own personal journey.
Now I'm sharing what I've found so you don't have to learn it the hard way too.
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// WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS BLOG
You can expect me to get to the point with concise useful information.
I focus on what is most important and don't shy away from difficult topics.
The best way to learn about Autism is to see it in real life ( i.e. via the stories of many, many people on the spectrum).
In this channel I endeavour to show you what Autism and Aspergers look like in real people and to also give you some insight as to what's happening on the inside.
I upload a new video every weekend with some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.
There's always new stuff coming through so be sure to check back and see what you've missed. (Is this where I'm supposed to tell you to hit that subscribe button?)
Topics Include:
- What is Aspergers/Autism?
- Aspie Tips, coping strategies, and advice on common issues
- Learning Emotional Intelligence (this is my special interest!)
- Autism in real life: stories from special guests
Everything I do is and endeavour to go deeper and take you 'behind the scenes' to understand what may, at first glance, seem 'odd'.
oh, and I love busting stereotypes and turning preconceptions upsidedown :)
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// ABOUT ME
I discovered I have aspergers at the age of thirty.
It has been my life's mission to understand these funny creatures we call humans.
My special interest is a combination of emotional intelligence, psychology, neuroscience, thinking styles, behaviour, and motivation. (I.e. what makes people tick)
My background is in engineering and I see the world in systems to be analysed.
My passion is for taking the incredibly complex, deciphering the pattern, and explaining it very simply.
My philosophy is that blogging is an adventure best shared.
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// EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TRAINING
I also run autism friendly online emotional intelligence training. So if you like my direct, systematic style, and would like to improve your own emotional intelligence skills, check it out here:
emotionsexplained.com.au
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// CONTACT
Blogging is an adventure best shared which means I'd love to hear from you!
Feel free to leave me a comment or send me and email at any time and I'll do my best to respond promptly.
Email: [e-mail]
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this channel!
I look forward to hearing from you!
Peace,
~Paul

[@Maria-up2yv]

Its weird. I thought I was confident in myself. Almost even too confident. But after the first 5 minutes of this I realised that my self esteem is like, 0. I feel guilty for asking for anything, I feel like I constantly have to be the best I can be in case people just don't like me and leave, I feel like I have to be special or amazing for people to like me and I feel like nobody likes me because I can't reach the level I've imagined I'd have to be on to be worthy of love

[@MagusMirificus]

I had exactly the same realization just a few years ago; never even bothered considering I might have any internalized negative attitudes towards myself until I realized I was drowning in them. This is apparently almost universal: people with low self-esteem think they have great self-esteem, because making the normal allowences for yourself necessary to a balanced life feels incredibly over-generous. You think you're cutting yourself breaks and sucking yourself off constantly when all you're really doing is allowing the occasional self-affirmation or indulgence to slip through the strict attitude of denial with which you normally deal with yourself. It's very insidious, like all parasites.

[@paulocl2]

This look like codependency rooted in abuse in childhood.

[@Maria-up2yv]

@@paulocl2 it could be. I had a lot of issues growing up, emotional manipulation and gaslighting when being raised. It took me a while to get to grips, confront everything and sort it out with my parents. Things are good now and they're much less toxic since it all came out and got confronted. They had their own issues I guess. I thought I was over it but I guess it left some insidious scars I couldn't realise before

[@Maria-up2yv]

@@MagusMirificus yeah exactly. It's so weird. I really had no idea. What you say is interesting. I really did feel like I cut myself breaks and all that stuff. When really that's just not what was happening. I wonder what to do about this, I realise now that there's clearly something missing in myself. I wonder how I can make that connection and accept myself for who I am. How did you move towards that? If you don't mind me asking of course

[@ltkritzinger]

I feel the same

[@timtrek]

they always, always reel back in horror once they see IT.. the shame itself, the shyness, the awkwardness repels them like pepper spray

[@Daniel-vl8mx]

Not just at the back of my mind, I have actually been told exactly that. My mother in fact wrote a lengthy letter to me when I emerged into adulthood to inform me that, while she had struggled with guilt for some years regarding her lack of love for me, she had decided to forgive herself because "you are a boy nobody could love". She went into a good deal of detail, and appended a whole sheaf of pages from her diary over the years just so it could be clear that this was not just a spur of the moment thing or a product of passing anger but a considered decision. I had been aware in the back of my mind for some years by then that I was different, and gradually, that my parents weren't really fans, but it still was a hard thing to confront. Being told that you are worthless, have no redeeming qualities, no soul, and that your mother regrets having you, cannot really have a bright side. Still and all though, I do retain a positive attitude. I cannot cry about things I cannot change, and I don't think that my mother was right.

[@heatherhaynes1834]

You are correct, your mother was not right. I am so sorry that your mother communicated this to you. I hope you find loving and nurturing relationships throughout your life, where you are respected and appreciated for you.

[@damianmoore8147]

Sorry you were told that.

[@vokusa]

Wow, what a toxic mother. I'm willing to bet all my marbles that there's some very serious intergenerational trauma behind her feelings and actions. You are not the problem. You are valid and deserve a good life, most likely far away from the toxic waste bin your birth family became.

[@Daniel-vl8mx]

@@damianmoore8147 Thank you both, but I guess there's also this to be said, and that is that the consciousness that had been developing even before this occurred that I was different, and that I wasn't somehow making connections with people - even my parents- was a powerful spur to work on myself. It would be easy to feel "woe is me" but it forced me to do everything I could to try to fit in, and do better. Yes, that means masking, but it also means applying myself to being the sort of person who other people might want to be around. I would also admit that I am far from perfect. I slip up. I have alienated people, even hurt people, often without even being aware of it much less meaning to do so. Sometimes, maybe often, I really do feel like an alien trying to live among the humans. I have had times when I have been deeply ashamed of myself too, for being clumsy, for missing cues, for saying the wrong thing, for being the wrong thing. I have had those times when I really have felt that I am bad for people, or reflected on the wreckage of lost relationships. I try to learn from these things. Sometimes too I am surprised to find maybe by a word or a gesture, that there are in fact people who appreciate me being around.

[@aspektx]

Okay. First, I never like to use religious sounding terms about situations. I am afraid however, that my response was: these people are evil. Second, one of the great turning points in my life was realizing that while my parents may have certain feelings towards me they were really incapable of self-giving love. It took 20 years before we had any serious contact. Cutting them out of my life was one of only a very small group of decisions that made me a healthier and better person. Third, I have always been off kilter from the rest of those around me. Getting diagnosed was a significant moment for me. Pardon my language. I went from believing I was a fsck up to realizing that I was not. I was fsckd up though by all the family nonsense sure. Yet it was a relief to see what was at the root of so many of my decisions both good and bad, ie., neurology. To be clear I do not view being autistic as a bad thing. Being instead of was at the time a relief to realize and say out loud.

[@sunnycurtis3236]

Oh, I have felt so much shame because I have so much mess in my life. I feel so much shame because I am super bright, but I have crashed and burned so many times. I have a lot of difficulty doing things adults do; filing papers, organizing tools. On and on. So much shame. I am a much older adult and just discovered I am on the spectrum YESTERDAY. Thanks for this message.

[@dighyfveirfuveifbuv4420]

Too late , most of my relationships ended years ago .

[@keylanoslokj1806]

@Andai ouch. Autism sucks for all of us i see.

[@mng519]

Very informative. Found out I was on the spectrum in my late 30s. Felt bad or ashamed about it at first. I accept it now. To know I'm on the spectrum explains EVERYTHING!

[@hapiant]

So many lovely relationships I have savaged :/ And am still relatively powerless when a storm breaks.

[@Lyonatan]

Early 30s, waiting for assessment. I'm going through some pretty deep depression and feel very ashamed right now, I will hide this from my parents and my family, only my sister knows, and even telling her took immeasurable effort, I was sobbing like a child, I'm just keep saying sorry to everyone all the time and I'm so tired of it I just go mute most of the time pretending I didn't hear when people try to approach and talk to me.

[@jonaskoelker]

> I accept it now. To know I'm on the spectrum explains EVERYTHING! Congratulations on finding out. Congratulations on accepting yourself. I hope for many happy years ahead of you.

[@Esotericessx]

I recently discovered that I am on the spectrum. This was a relieving discovery because it explained EVERYTHING about my past experiences and how I handled them. I have always struggled with guilt and feeling that I was a burden on people.

[@presentwithideas6521]

Same here. Just diagnosed this year at age 54. My life choices and trajectory makes sense now. With the diagnosis I feel like I have a baseline for getting the help I need so I can live a full life.

[@aspektx]

Same. I felt for most of my life there was a missing piece to the puzzle. Once diagnosed so many parts of my life came into focus. It was such a relief.

[@aaronleonard641]

In the same boat, it's gotten worse lately, because I am struggling but I'm too afraid to tell anyone. It's so frustrating

[@lennytondo6200]

Same here. I am undiagnosed but when my son was diagnosed and I started watching videos about autism, I realized I was on the spectrum ,at the age of 36. I am happy to know that I am not stupid and crazy but I do regret many things that I could have done If I had known my condition.

[@pernilla2962]

Same here.

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

No "suddenly" about it shame. A slow & painful process of childhood/teen sociatal bollacks way before arriving at shame. Protection & survival mechanisms.

[@TooCode212]

It’s interesting because all of tools that I’ve used to protect me during my childhood/teen years, are now failing me in my adult life.

[@Motazilite]

True, most people diagnosed with Autism suffer or at least have suffered from various other health issues. It's inevitable.

[@Name-kd5jj]

I often have a hard time telling what is caused by autism and what is caused by trauma. I've had so little self worth that I felt I didn't deserve basic necessities like food. Even to this day I still find myself thinking that way subconsciously. It really held me back as a child. I was never really bullied but rather kids were usually very helpful. They tried to include me but I would always turn them down because I didn't want to burden them with my presence. This meant that I was only ever exposed to the nastiness of my family and was locked up in my bedroom my entire life. I never had any positive relationships and therefore developed a bitterness in life. I still remember in high school going to a social gathering with some kids from school. This was the first time in my life I had been in such a gathering outside of my family. I was shocked because everyone was just having a good time. There was no fighting or arguing, just people getting along and having a good time. At that moment I realized that it was normal and my family was the one doing it wrong.

[@lina987]

Maybe you could try to get yourself some help to overcome the trauma. A therapist could help in the first place. And then one step at a time. You have just this one life and there so many nice things to experience and nice people you could also meet besides some not so nice. Don’t give up and try to focus on positive things, no matter how small they are. As I said one step at a time! You can overcome the trauma and you as much worth as any other human being on this planet, not any less!! Good luck and all the best to you. 🍀

[@Kyle_00]

The video i never knew i needed.

[@kevin_heslip]

Right tho?

[@mng519]

How in the world is your comment time stamped 14 hrs ago when the stream happened 51 minutes ago?

[@AndyCollier]

Same

[@vazzaroth]

Linkin Park, Numb and Papercut... Dunno if Chester was on the spectrum but pretty sure he wasn't NT at least. These songs REALLY touch on the shame I grew up with and on some days, they almost instantly provoke tears. I view almost all of Chester (And Co's) songs to be sung to their own inner, true self.

[@stuartrushworth5487]

I think that whenever people around me became attached and settled down it led to my moving on. It felt like being marooned time and again. I think this caused me to think that I was a piece of society that could never fit. What helped me was poetry, which is an art form that comes from solitude, and which led to my joining poetry workshops (which can be where people share their solitude as a creative work). I think that before exploring the creative arts I was constantly throwing myself at society and falling off it, whereas with poetry and later visual art a person goes inward before they go outward, they fetch something from inside, which helps to prove that something inside you is valuable.

[@jasonjon]

incredibly insightful perspective on the arts!! thank you

[@Nintarie]

I have an extremely strong reaction of shame when someone tells me that I've done something wrong, and the best I can do is try to reel it in so I can focus on the situation at hand, but that can still take a bit. Thankfully my hubby is very understanding and patient, so when he brings up something that he knows will make me feel shame he knows to expect that I'm going to shut down for a bit as I process that tsunami of shame that washes over me, and once I've got it under control I can focus on dealing with the matter he's brought up.

[@pnwnewsinfo]

Wow! I never realized how much I limit myself with this negative speech. I knew about it, but I never acknowledged it. Time to change. Thank you!

[@ari3lz3pp]

"Not a broken normal person, I'm an autistic person" ♥️ Exactly. Mostly the dx is something to work with vs. work around. This is why I'm grateful to more acceptance in various settings. Self-isolation is a huge hindrance for me. It takes a ton of energy just helping my kid socialize (severely autistic). Once it's my time to socialize I'm pretty depleted. But I think shame is what make it so much more exasperating to do these things. I'm ashamed I can't help my kid better because I can barely socialize, I am ashamed when I get angry and defensive at people who try to place shame on us. Being mindful of that shame wether it's from inside or outside; is a wonderful starting point to improving. 🍂 🕊️

[@leonilubbinge8127]

I definitely feel shame and that I'm not worthy. My mom told me with anger after all these years how I had shamed them in grade 1 by regressing and not being able to use scissors. They were called in by the teacher and I was punished. Since that time I've felt I am a mistake. (In their defence at that time autism wasn't known widely and they knew nothing about it)

[@maximilianhiemer8135]

I have to put this as simple as I possibly can. You saved my life

[@NFSMAN50]

I have been going through this lately, im on the spectrum, and I tend to do this lots. Any bad experience I have with a friend, date etc, I internalize it and become anxious and depressed, that I ruined everything and that this is why nobody likes me, when thats not the case. Thanks for the video Sir. Sometimes we do fear change at times and a disruption of routine, but Change helps us grow and be better, and it goes for anyone, Neurodiverse or Neurotypical, but for us on the spectrum, we tend to be reluctant to it, but we can overcome it.

[@presentwithideas6521]

Thanks for your inspiration and positivity.

[@waveletka]

Great video. I definitely learned a new perspective. I came here because I started suspecting that the guy I am dating for the last few months is on the spectrum. His history of no-friends-at-all until college, spending days on his hobbies without talking to anyone for weeks etc makes sense. What is a problem now, is that I am getting fed up with his rigidity and arrogance. I started introducing him to my friends and it’s a disaster. He annoys everyone, behaves inappropriately, and for the worst part he doesn’t listen when I try to gently point it out and ask for some changes. I guess I understand better now where is he coming from, he often disbeliefs that I sincerely like him.

[@ManyGhosts]

Hey, just an FYI your videos are significantly quieter than most, so I have to crank my audio up really high and then jump out of my skin when another sound happens on my computer. Thanks for your videos, they're fantastic.

[@YesBruv105]

For me it is slightly the other way round..I fear getting close to NTs as they tend to use social aggression once they are closer to you. It is NTs that reveal or 'unmask' an unpleasant side to them, which then becomes the elephant in the room, and if I address the elephant in the room then I am chucked under the bus. I am seen as the weakest link because I will not join in with social aggression, I would rather cut the crap with truth, but NTs are more loyal to their ego then their fellow human beings. If I try and make them aware of this in nicest tone or way possible, honestly and on a level, it doesn't matter their ego still can't take it, so I am punished with their scorn, gaslit as the bad guy, and often cut out as I am of no use to them if they cannot manipulate me. Even my own sister behaves like this and has cut me out. Sorry I don't mean to create a them and us... Non NTs can do this too. Probably if they are unfortunate to have a narcissistic personality type.

[@YesBruv105]

@@tvtogoau495 for sure..it does feel a little like, the non NTs that use game play and social aggression, see it as sport and feel self satisfied that they are so good at social aggression and get what they want that way. Where as NTs often seem totally clueless to how huge their egos are and how loyal they are to their ego... It's more the latter that makes me lose faith in humanity. The clueless are a bigger liability, especially when they refuse any push back or truth they cannot handle.

[@valleskage]

Thanks! This went straight to the heart. My autistic daughter does not cope with involvement. She is so full of shame for her autism. I go on eggshells. Greetings from a tired Norwegian mom

[@trendydelquendy]

Aaaah okay. I have been terribly ashamed. I loved her, but the shame I brought with me from another relationship made me end it. And I stil love her, because she was perfect!

[@biancamarques7549]

Go after her ❤

[@lurrr217]

Yes, go after her. I wish my ex would have realized that. You're very brave.

[@downshift4life]

My way of coping with my social anxiety is thinking that people don't deserve me, not vice versa. And it works.

[@melelconquistador]

The fact that one doesn't move on for hours or days after the fact is painful.

[@Mrlionman64]

Try months

[@melelconquistador]

@@Mrlionman64 oh yeah, years and decades are hard. Ultimately this is accumulative but somethings kick others out of priority.

[@pollystyrene99]

I try to stay centered, but often I say things impulsively, a reflexive response to something that irritates me and it can make awkward social situations because of it. On the one hand I forgive myself as I can justify what I have done/said, yet I feel shame because I have AGAIN alienated myself socially. I pick over past relationships and situations and wish i had done things differently and beat myself up. Jobs lost. I've lost so many jobs for being this way. Shame comes from not having handled a social situation well and losing people's good regard of me. At 60 I have alot to look back on, it only somewhat helps to have found out at this late stage that much of my life and reactions can be explained by aspergers/autism/being on the spectrum. Depressing.

[@eruis3139]

I’ve always felt different, and suspected a few years ago I had aspberger, after watching some of these videos, I m sure I do. It made me feel better. My I.q. Is above average, what I’m good at, I’m very good at. And I’m proud of me. Ok , I know I’m not good with people, but now I know way. And I recently have told people I have asbergers. And I m good with that. Love and blessings to all

[@phoenixrising4031]

Wanted to add one more comment. Your video came at a miraculous time! I'm a neuro typical and still found these tools helpful. Dealing with family who like to use shame and guilt in attempt to gain power/control. So can totally relate to those on the spectrum who may feel shame who use isolation isolation to escape. These videos help me see common ground with others. Thank you!

[@basilrose]

Mr. Paul, thank you for another wonderfully illuminating topic, so well-described! Your videos are healing! ❤️

[@phoenixrising4031]

This is such a profound video. Not just for those on the spectrum but those in a relationship with someone who might be, or anyone for that matter dealing with shame. What a healthy perspective and eloguent way to express how to address our inner critic and shame. Thank you so much!!

[@desireereynolds1202]

I'm in the exact same situation, married for 35 yrs to someone who would never acknowledge or admit that he's on the spectrum but your videos help me cope and interpret situations and reactions that just baffled me until recently, it's a journey, thank you, Paul.

[@CipherAndre]

Elegant**

[@angelahare9472]

I just recently made some blunders with a friend that I greatly am thinking has Asperger's.They never told me but I am just now putting the peices together and everything makes sense now.I wish I would have known sooner it would have helped me relate better.My parents died this past Christmas and I have been a emotional mess.He has been so supportive.I didn't realize what a strain it may have been on him to be so supportive during my emotional breakdowns. because of our misunderstanding our relationship is now is strained because I didn't realize the differences in the way we think.I am trying to make amends for the misunderstandings we had but it isn't easy to get thru to him now.I now understand the walls he has put up in the past and is throwing up now.I just hope it isn't to late to salvage our relationship.I couldn't have asked for a better friend.

[@kreciryjzatracony]

Well... Shame is a really nasty thing... Thank You for this!

[@Clueless2019]

"I'm not perfect; but I'm still worthy"...Yes!...Thank you, Paul!...I always tell my beloved (ASD) husband, there is nothing to be ashamed of!...Everyone regardless of neurology is deserving of respect and love and to be treated with dignity. 💛💛💛

[@autismunknown4227]

Ya you wouldn't have married him if you couldn't use him for your own benefits. Noone is capable of ever loving someone who is autistic. IAM autistic and I am unlovable noone has ever loved me only used me and hated me.

[@ciaraskeleton]

When you begin to feel confident as an Autistic of neurodivergent person, Your brain is going to find it uncomfortable. I want to let you know that its normal. We've been told we are wrong and should be ashamed for our whole...lives. Our brains do want to resist that change, but keep going ❤

[@BetaBuxDelux]

Relationships?

[@olga7193]

relate

[@keylanoslokj1806]

What are those right

[@BetaBuxDelux]

@@keylanoslokj1806 I think I read something about them once.

[@TheMusicalElitist]

Everyday I tell myself that I’m not good enough and it’s only reinforced by all the mistakes I make. Then I come home and my family tell me off for being me. I feel pathetic.

[@Tetyana07]

Interestingly I suffered from this shame-saboteur before getting my diagnosis last year (25), and since coming to terms/embracing my autism I've made leaps and bounds with overcoming that defensive rejection response, and hide myself a lot less to others; being vulnerable feels a lot safer know that I understand my own difficulties.

[@Theincredibledrummer]

Great video, thanks Paul

[@ltkritzinger]

I needed this, thank you so much.

[@rekopelovi]

One of your best. Thank you.

[@jacksonscully2537]

You know what I love about your videos Paul, even if I'm familiar with a subject I always learn something new even if it's something small.

[@christafarmer9705]

Learn more and more about myself with each of your videos. Thank you Paul.

[@sueannevangalen5186]

That was very insightful! Love it ❤️

[@adampryor1289]

I needed to hear this today. Thanks so much for your wisdom and perspective Paul!

[@catherinegill2488]

So helpful - thank you Paul.

[@weignerg]

Thank you. Keep it up. You are helping a lot of people.

[@baurusleiz4202]

Thank you so much for this video! That was on right time for me🙌

[@user-vc1gr5tw5u]

This is like comforting channel for me

[@wellsee5584]

I loved this!! Thank you so much for your openness 💗

[@autismunknown4227]

Open I can't be open I have to hide who iam. I am autistic. I was masking up before it was the thing to do.

[@tinam.6362]

Incredible video!!! Couldn't have said it better! Thank you so much Paul!

[@luciadisarli9743]

Thank you for this, it truly hepled me!

[@philrobinson1336]

You have changed my life with your videos my friend I never knew what was wrong with me until your videos

[@ajkooper]

This explains very well why i always took so hard on criticism (and still do). I think i've improved on that but still didn't have an explanation. So thank you!

[@dajerx]

the algorithm leading me to this was timely. thank you

[@hardtmannn8804]

I'm still debating within myself whether or not i may be on the spectrum from discovering your videos. A lot of things in my life make more sense through that idea. This video however did strike a particular chord with me, I have a lot of internalized shame for who I am, the things I do, and the things I like. When someone tells me I did wrong I believe I am fundamentally flawed because I made this mistake, and I go into a spiral of anxiety and self pity, where I feel like I am a terrible person who deserves terrible things to happen to me. I really like the growing around things quote, it is something i definitely have learned recently, you need to always change to continue to grow as a person. Thanks for your videos.

[@djmartinez1489]

Wow, Great video and Great presentation. You’re very knowledgeable and helpful. Thank you.

[@croogytude]

I can absolutely say this is the most important video I’ve watched on KZbin to date. Thank you so much. I’m on a journey. I thought it was discovering I’m a narcissist for a while but now I’m understanding things a bit better I’m thinking otherwise. Now for the next step 👍

[@WreckFatal]

Thank you for making another amazing video! You always make such helpful videos with very useful information and tips. Please keep it up you are amazing at what you do!

[@angelamanrique9416]

Thanks for putting in words this topic so hard to explain. Acceptance is key to be at peace with ourselves. Btw, your videos are amazing!

[@u1f6f9]

It's impressive how on point he's putting the facts! this clear on point truth, is what I know, in an other direction from myself, and other autism people I've met. I really like that! I hope "normal" will get this as some positive too.

[@afaegfsgsdef]

I refuse to be shamed by anything that was not intentional... and I almost never intentionally do something mean to anyone

[@kaistinakemperdahl9667]

This is gold. I needed this council for my marriage. Thank you!

[@xokochamciexo]

thank you so much for your time and sharing your experience and making these videos. you have become a comforting friend in difficult times. i am going through the process of diagnosis and altho i am high functioning i relate so much to your information, and it has helped me to understand my partner so much as well. you have been a shining light Paul. THANK YOU!

[@rileyhickman3559]

I have very recently been given provisional diagnosis of Aspergers (age of 30), and have found your videos to be incredibly illuminating, pragmatic, and educational. The way you balance the facts with your personal experience is refreshing and is really helping my family and I make sense of what it means to be on the spectrum. In short I am grateful for you and the gifts you have given the community.

[@petafraser1639]

Thanks so much, that was very insightful

[@Vixinaful]

Very useful and healing, thank you!

[@Sky-Child]

Another excellent video. I worked through this when I self diagnosed and am usually ok now, but my partner in many ways has left it too late. He has a lot of shame and damaging internal thoughts around his autism because he has masked for so long. I try to show him I accept and love him no matter what, but it can be hard. Good topic Paul, thank you

[@cfamily6372]

Thank you so much for this video. Our son is 15 years old and because of your videos we had a huge ah ha moment in February 2020. We strongly feel he is on the autism spectrum. We are feeling discouraged as we have had no help at from our family doctor. We cant help him and we have no support, no diagnosis, no tools.

[@lennytondo6200]

Thank you for this video. That explains my feelings. I can relate to most of your videos. I am not diagnosed but my son is and I am thinking I might be on the spectrum as well.

[@jamisonlamkin5576]

Undiagnosed but this resonates 100%, this has been my life.

[@au9parsec]

I assume you also mean platonic relationships? Yes, I am damaging my relationships. And I don't just damage my relationships with neurotypicals, I also damage my relationships with others within the autism community. But I do damage my relationships weather they also have ASD or not. Yesterday I was damaging my platonic relationship with a neurotypical who owns a small gym that I go to.

[@transformativeexperiences]

Just forgive and ask them to forgive. They can do this easier than we can.

[@paulocl2]

Don't do it!

[@theoldaccountthatiusedtous6767]

YES! Once I had enough therapy that I was able to honestly tell myself I am a worthy human being who deserves love, that was a subtle change but it has allowed me to try things that I was previously way too anxious to try. I'd spent so long thinking I wasn't good enough and needed to improve myself, and that led to a lot of isolating myself and looking to others (good intentions or no) for help on how to become "good enough" that I'd developed anxiety about trying anything.

[@ReniRaay]

I have NLD (Non-verbal learning disorder) found out recently. I am 48. I watch your channel coz I've read it's pretty close to Aspergers. The shame topic hits hard 😢

[@peterwynn2169]

I can relate to so many of your videos, Paul. I have had people around me tell me that I was embarrassing. I now know it was them, not me.

[@paulocl2]

Probably all of us are embarrassing. I think I have a constant diarrhea of ridiculous thoughts in my brain and once in a while one of them slips outside - and this is embarrassing.

[@gauntlettolife833]

This relates to so many Neurodiverse types. You bring such clarity to this very sensitive and potentially destructive subject. Will listen again 👌💎👌 A physiological or biological explanation on your saying about "growth/dying" is "if growth is not occurring then atrophy sets in" Great video Paul ☮️ It's a BIG topic but this video is so poinant and a good lauching pad for thought 🤔 and reflection ..... Thanks once again Paul for your insight and knowledge

[@Amanda-vc1lp]

Excellent video!

[@ArcturianGirl]

Ever since I started watching your videos I’ve been feeling way less functioning than I thought I was, I want to cry 24/7 because everything feels like it’s too much for me to handle 💔 I am ashamed more than I ever was if that’s even possible! I don’t know how to be who I’m not anymore, being confident has always felt so exhausting and overwhelming to me! I am self isolating more now 😭 The man I’ve been with for the last 5 years has left me because I never listen and never made an effort to be helpful to our relationship, I am obsolete to everyone! Unmasking myself has become the most overwhelming thing I’ve ever been through! I’m having serious meltdowns every day 😭 I’m lost

[@TheNmv2728]

I feel this way and I think I'm neurotypical. This is great advice. Thank you for sharing how autistic people feel so I can understand my friends .

[@joeminella5315]

Going to catholic schools (many years ago) gave me a lifetimes worth of shame and guilt. If things are going ok, it recedes a bit but it's always there and just overwhelms me sometimes.

[@sarah3412]

SHIT~~ this is something I need. As person who learn about autism a year ago.! This is what I feel yet I cannot seem to put in word and find answer on what it is~~

[@frankdenbiesen7694]

Spot on (!!!) Once again.

[@Badger285]

Just wanted to say Ty.

[@MartinMCade]

The message I got for so much of my life, especially as a child, teenager, and young adult in my 20s, was "You've got great potential if you would just apply yourself." But that was based on a judgment of what I was "supposed" to be as a fairly bright neurotypical person. But whenever I tried to succeed in a typical way, or follow peoples' advice, or follow the lessons of leadership classes I took, nothing worked. EVERY SINGLE TIME. This resulted in an education and career choice based on feeling a need to be "fixed." But because I couldn't manage to "fix" myself, I ended up depressed and at times suicidal. A key for myself is to learn that maybe I'm a zebra, not a failed horse. (Thank you to whomever came up with that meme/analogy.) I can decide not to accept the expectations of a neurotypical person, and I can instead let me be myself.

[@matthewanthonydecurtis3242]

I don’t have an Autism diagnosis officially but I can relate to this 100% I have a dx of severe ocd with generalized anxiety and ADHD with developmental delays with sensory issues and I suffer from extreme paranoia. People In public tend to target me right off instantly when I feel disconnected and uncoordinated or foggy. People on the spectrum tend to suffer from traumas as well from past abuse

[@ShirleyPereiraSHIR9801]

Thanks you…!! I really identify with all what you say. !!

[@Destiny_rae]

I don't have aspergers but I do that to myself alot! I'm so self critical that I am ashamed of myself in every way possible. I'm also constantly beating myself up. I'm so sorry for those out there that feel this way, I want you to know that I love you and you aren't alone. ❤️

[@4clempt]

I wish my son would watch this video; but I can't link him up exactly for the reasons you mentioned

[@rahowherox1177]

I've spent most of my life feeling (vastly) superior to others in most regards but still felt the fear and shame. This was the case before and after diagnosis in 20s ... 45 now and realizing I've been fooling myself for years.

[@anthonyperryman8284]

Shame is awful!! It’s sabotaged my life! I didn’t know I was autistic until 45 years old…

[@BearFulmer]

This indeed is a tough pill to swallow because my intuition is mostly right about people so I try not to have like the NPD traits and make sure I check myself that way but it's tough to have no one come your way especially when you're trying so hard. I mean I'm 45 and it's been uphill the whole way but the way the world has developed now you know it's like by popular demand and but there's a lot of emerging smaller groups that now connect so I feel like we can start accepting each other a little bit more then so rigidly in the past where you had to conform to the norm.

[@joeshmo9719]

Im not damaging my relationships, im ending them, its too difficult to to withstand the frustration of people.

[@lurrr217]

I can handle frustration i Iove someone, but being pusher away and my ex destroying what we had because he was so terrified to mess it up, that fucking crushed my heart and i am still not over it.

[@jarradhurley4866]

Totally agree with this.

[@Squid_nSpace]

Thank you 🙏

[@dg7438]

People want to be around someone in how it makes them feel. Are you ultimately decent/fun/calm to be around? or exhausting. It's all simple, but difficult to put ourselves in others shoes

[@NidusFormicarum]

I can also say that getting stuck in guilt is NOT better! It is meant to be something to react to - to do something about if we have hurt someone or said something we shouldn't , for instance, but a constant feel of guilt that goes on for weeks or months in a row is NOT helpful at all.

[@dunjaradoalignmentcoach1774]

What I find shameful about autism myself - so this is my personal issue is that it is infantile and I am on the spectrum self diagnosed. All the issues an autistic person struggles with seem like they are growing pains from childhood and everyone overcomes them with adulthood but autistic people don't so I feel ashamed about that. Its hard because there really isnt much research or real scientific explanation why we are so sensitive to sound, social interactions, why we have difficulty with executive function and being strategic, why we have huge emotional reactions - or at least I havent been able to find that. So it feels to a part of me that I should be able to overcome these things and "grow up" but I choose to stay infantile and childish. And that makes me feel shamed. And watching this video I just decided to tell it like it is and unburden myself of this shame. I am a coach and healer and I work with people to help them release inherited emotions of shame, guilt, fear etc and I have been able to help myself in certain aspects too, but some things stay the same and I think that part is the autistic part. I have endured a lot of family trauma so I know its coming from that too, but its just something I cant shake off. Does anyone else feel like they are ashamed of being childish?

[@snowman4098]

Shame "Lil voice inside " right on ! Just so happens my Lil voice has a loud speaker! Use to turn it all the way up ... With help from my wife and people like you, I have volume adjustment buttons now :) Hypnosis helps!

[@miriammaldonado7848]

I have experienced shame for little, silly things therefore, I think that's ok. Now if this is a high level of inner shame is not healthy.

[@timgrocutt]

When I was 37, I was diagnosed, lost my marbles, became VERY honest, my friends felt betrayed. I have 2 left. There the best ones. I suppose I could have been more polight.

[@NidusFormicarum]

Also, I often get so overwhelemd by feelings that it may take me years before I finally understand the other person's perspective. I guess, whatI I should have done was to ask for clarification numerous times. But instead the feelings of fear of rejection and shame get so overswhelming that you decide not talk to the other person anymore unless they take the initiatives and of course freinds never take the initiative - it's up to you to contact them. It's also that if you take the courage of listening then you also risk losing that relationship. Maybe you don't respond in a way that repair the damage; maybe you are the one who decides that it is not worth it if the communication doesn't work properly - but who wnats to do that? ...so you hide in your cover with shame instead. It's also worth keeping in mind that when a conflict occurs it is usually a mutual conflict - only occacionally is it that only you or only the other person has something to complain about - no, in the majority of cases both have several complains at the same time.