Autistic Meltdowns in a Female Adult | AUTISM IN GIRLS

[@noeyedgirl]

My parents didn't think I was autistic as a kid. During meltdowns in my teens I'd be yelled at and grabbed from the floor, dragged to my room. The touching and screaming made it so so much worse. I'd be mocked by my father, he'd imitate my crying. It's very upsetting to recall.

[@raeanna451]

Sorry you had to go through that. I went through something similar as well. Now as an adult I don't have meltdowns anymore with crying. I just shut down because I learned crying is not ok as a kid/teen. Hope you are doing well.

[@machinegurlll]

We had the same experience, unfortunately. Also I like your username is that an MCR reference? :D we have so much in common lol neurodivergent emo kid problems

[@LoverofSunflowernBees]

I’m sorry you had to go through this, I hope you have wonderful people in your life and support system now. And maybe a social worker. I see a social worker. She is wonderful.

[@BeeWhistler]

That’s messed up. Some behaviors would be toxic with any kid. I remember this video being shared on Facebook by someone I grew up with, where a dad was fake crying at his tween daughter because she was throwing a tantrum. All while her brother filmed it and laughed. The person sharing thought it was funny and didn’t seem to understand why I said it was wrong and toxic. Now that girl knows she can’t trust her dad. Even if she was trying to get her way, there’s respectful ways to handle it. But I’ll never know the real situation.

[@lovelife9332]

You are describing my story literally!! I feel for you! I know how horrible it was for you. ❤

[@misamisa29]

I really appreciate someone talking about meltdown that have a more emotional root rather than sensory. Very validating, I'm the same way.

[@bevishhh]

Me too, I feel so seen right now ❤

[@Psychessin]

Same here. I used to often feel so impostor-like in autistic communities since I haven't been experiencing sensory meltdowns, although I am officially diagnosed.

[@tessabakker662]

Yes! Most of my meltdowns originate from fear & frustration (both often tied to uncertainty, AKA the bane of my existence), two emotions that hit me really hard. If I do tip over the edge into a meltdown because of something sensory (inescapable annoying noise, unfamiliar crowded places or situations where I'm supposed to be making myself useful to society) more often than not it'll be because *I was already emotionally overstrained.*

[@IndianaNana1]

Yes, this was helpful. Thank you. Keep making videos!

[@jadewytch2335]

I don' t have a diagnosis of autism, but I'm here looking for people who are experiencing the same symptoms I do - or at least similar because I highly suspect that I have autism. I'm also 40. Yeah, there are sensory overloads and meltdowns, but in relation to this video, my meltdowns are also "stupid" like I have a preferred place that I like to park at work and usually the spot is open and when I show up to work and that spot is taken, I have lost my ever loving mind and cried and then it just set the stage for the day... and then I don't like to share my space - but someone had used my desk and left stuff on it. All over it. And I got angry because that was disrespectful and they obviously must not appreciate me and no one cares when I'm not there - Yadda yadda. but the reason for the meltdown for parking is because I want to park where I want to park and people "should" know better than to park in "my" spot (even though my name isn't on the darn spot and I know people can't read minds...) and melting down over things being moved on my desk is because I put things there for a reason and no one has a right to touch my stuff darn it! There are so many more examples of course... What has helped me was cognitive behavior therapy or dialectical behavior therapy, just like Olivia suggests in the video. I STILL get upset about someone parking in that spot or putting things on my desk, but I tell myself over and over again that it's okay, they probably didn't know, they probably didn't have anywhere else to park, they weren't trying to upset me, I'm not going to let this mess up my day, I'm going to be okay - and I do some deep breathing. And although I'm still upset, it's much less upset than I would otherwise be.

[@ThePhantomQueen87]

Before i was diagnosed with autism my meltdowns made me misdiagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder but my meltdowns are mainly caused from me being confused

[@OliviaHops]

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with me, Cassie! I was somewhat similar. Doctors thought they were anxiety attacks, but I knew inside it didn't quite fit into that category. I'm glad you were able to get diagnosed.

[@bubblepop999]

Same, misdiagnosed with BPD

[@cherylf9788]

Has being diagnosed improved your quality of life?

[@ThePhantomQueen87]

It has helped me to understand things in retrospect instead of just feeling like i am incapable of change and crazy. So yes

[@cherylf9788]

@@ThePhantomQueen87 thank you thats encouraging. I have good reason to think I might have some degree of autism. I was diagnosed bipolar a few years ago after a melt down but I don't really fit the criteria very well. I was diagnosed for Elhers Danlos a year ago. Autism can be a comorbidity of eds. I fit the criteria much better for autism. However in my experience so far, diagnosis has not been very helpful. I'm trying to decide if it's worth the hassle. I've had some trouble with romantic partners understanding me and of course social difficulties but I'm not sure how a diagnosis will help.

[@micheller3251]

wow, I spent 21 YEARS thinking I was emotionnal trash that can't deal with stuff just because I'm a violent cry baby.... THEY WERE LITTERAL MELTDOWNS?! AND PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DEGRADING ME FOR IT?!?! thank you so much for this video... I definitely need a diagnosis I remember having one once in secondary school because I had missed the bus and everyone was like "da hell is your problem?"

[@chequeplease]

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with people being so shitty about this :( I had the same thing, some people take it as an affront to them and take it very personally. When I'm having a meltdown, I wish I could say "I'm not doing this to punish you! I'm not blaming you for being late/moving my things/changing the plan! My brain is doing this! I can't help it!" I think it will take me a long time to heal from the guilt I carry from being a 'hysterical' 'over sensitive' and 'precocious' child. There are so many positive and special things about having a different brain that should be not only accepted but celebrated. 🙌

[@micheller3251]

@@chequeplease Finding this community has helped me so much already, I wish I had looked into autism in women a few years back. And, yeah, as someone with misophonia, finding a way to explain, at least to people close to you, that it's not directed at them helps a lot to avoid unnecessary arguments

[@juliadesouza6674]

OMG !! I thought it was just me who had meltdowns for missing the bus. For real!!! Like everyone who lost it was like normal, like okay I'll go tell my mom. And for me was just "guess I'll die" (and that even in highschool, I'm sorry dad)

[@kxkxkxkx]

@@juliadesouza6674 you're just a brat with no self control 💯

[@PricelessJesus]

U R NOT Trash. Ur beautiful made by God

[@bekabell1]

I'm 56 and have studied psychology, but have never heard of selective mutism in the context of a melt down before now. This explains to me why I can not say what is wrong when I am crying. I knew it was out of my control, I just didn't understand why until now. Thank you.

[@kxkxkxkx]

"the things I do are out of my control" jfc you literal NPC 😂

[@bekabell1]

@@kxkxkxkx i did not say that the things I do are out of my control, I said my ability to do a thing (speak) was out of my control - that is I temporarily lost the amity tomorrow air through my vocal cords in such a way as to create specific sounds. There is a world of difference between those two things. It is the difference between choosing to stare at someone, and claim to have no control over staring at them, and in a moment of shock when experiencing tunnel vision, saying I can't see off to the side. One is a chosen behavior, the other id a function of the autonomic nervous system.

[@katy6112-8]

​@@bekabell1 Nice 😉 Peace 💕🌻

[@babygurl20007]

I can't talk much when my dad yells at me or now even talks to me

[@KimberleyB]

​@@bekabell1That's a good comparison

[@221b-Maker-Street]

The squirming in your skin thing is *spot-on,* Olivia. It's an extreme, flooding physical sensation. I also have ADHD, so I toggle between two extremes constantly. Both needing and loathing routine. Loving chatting and being social, and then feeling overwhelmed. Being very tuned-in and empathetic, then feeling exhausted at trying to support everyone and keep all the plates spinning. Everything, but _everything_ feels like a constant tug-of-war between the two extremes of me. I was Dx with ADHD 3 years ago at aged 50. Now, I'm in the process of getting an Autism Dx. Suddenly everything makes sense. It's really hard not to be overwhelmed by regret and to feel cheated at all the years _without_ medication/treatment/support - just judgement. Christomighty... 🙃

[@KnightBott]

Just diagnosed at 51. My thoughts are all over the place…including the regret and feeling cheated. I also feel validation for many things in my life from hearing others who sound just like me speak. Blown away.

[@pameliam4024]

Makes sense out of my brain processes! Have an official ADD Dx. Still without autism Dx, but it explains so much! I’m 68 and looking forward to the process of discovery. I no longer feel guilty or regretful. I’ve made my apologies and changed the behaviors that I can control. Thankfully, I no longer find myself to be bizarre.

[@mervisa89]

I'm like this... But idk if I'm autistic, I don't think I am, but since I've started going out with a man Who is on the spectrum, I'm having doubts, I have epilepsy, ADHD and quiet BPD

[@ChristinaChrisR]

The tug-of-war between the extremes…oh my goodness. I’ve never thought it mattered if anyone else feels and experience the same things I do - what does that help me? With this/these particular thing/things I feel differently…I think: I’m not the only weirdo. Lol. There are people who know what it’s like. Like you. Thank you❤

[@tabitas.2719]

@@mervisa89 Just fyi (in case you're not already aware) those are common misdiagnoses as well as comorbidities; so you could very well have both! :) All the best going forward, especially with your (physical and mental) health as well as your relationship!

[@Gangstashap336]

My mother has meltdowns a few times a day however, she's never been diagnosed with anything. She's high functioning. In fact, she's a doctor. Her meltdowns would make me incredibly anxious and unfortunately made me into a people pleaser. After having learned a bit about autism recently, I now realize that my anxiousness was me recognizing the beginnings of her meltdowns. Learning about high-functioning autism has relieved me of a ton of associated stress that came from my mother. I will no longer internalize HER meltdowns, I will guide her to her room to self soothe, I won't shame her or make her feel guilty, and I will notion that I accept her for the way the she is.

[@xTwilightWolvesx]

I think a huge thing for you is realising it’s not your fault. I really admire how much love you have for your mother, we need more people like you around 😊

[@federicanardi7227]

I'm an adult woman on the spectrum and I've never had meltdowns, only shutdowns. But in my shutdowns I feel exactly as you describe

[@OliviaHops]

I have shut downs, too. So for yours, do you do everything in a meltdown but cry? That's kinda how it is for me.

[@federicanardi7227]

@@OliviaHops exactly. I feel the same, I act the same. But I don't cry. I stop speaking, need to be left in a comfortable room by myself, lights off, can't express how I feel and if someone asks me or tries to help it only makes me feel a lot worse, I have a lot of anxiety and I'm ashamed of myself a lot. I am exhausted after and keep feeling bad about the episode for days. I use drawing and painting sometimes to help myself get out of the shutdown. Well... More like doodling. I make doodles and doodles (often angrily) and I calm down when I begin to find a figure in my messy doodles. I usually don't have idea why I go into one of these episodes until later, unless there is something that makes me clearly anxious. The fact that I almost never cry could be related to a block I've had after my father death, when I was 10. He was really my world and I was told not to cry in front of my mother to not upset her. I wasn't able to cry for anything for 6 years. When I was sad or upset I used to just go in my room and hide to not let anyone see me

[@theresefournier3269]

@@federicanardi7227 sending you a bushel of pure love and deep and profound tender affection. You ARE incredibly BEAUTIFUL.

[@federicanardi7227]

@@OliviaHops thank you. You are a very nice person. I needed this today

[@deetee1539]

As a 24 year old woman who strongly believes she’s on the spectrum, may I ask if you’ve ever heard of/known anyone else who is autistic but doesn’t have meltdowns? As far as I can remember I’ve never had one, but I’m not one to dwell on my childhood. Not having meltdowns is the only thing that ever casts any doubt on me being autistic. I strongly believe I am and am in the process of reaching out to a professional who can hopefully help me discover if I am truly autistic or at least point me to someone who can.

[@seastorm1979]

What I like about Covid is that it makes being a hermit socially acceptable😄

[@Diannab75]

Haha, same! ☺️

[@jennifer7648]

Yes!!!

[@lisawanderess]

Right?

[@devan6127]

S A M E

[@sharbux]

Yes! Suddenly it was perfectly acceptable to be exactly who I am....and that was so liberating and empowering.

[@flawbows3159]

I remember having all my meltdowns privatly, locking myself in my room, in a bathroom, in a hidden corner so no one had to see them, and concealing the singns afterwards. I was diagnosed just this year, and this video striked too close to home, especially the aftermath.

[@lauraalejandrapazchaves3909]

I do exactly the same, specially in stressful days. I sort of pretend everything it’s okay until I’m alone at my room and just “explode”. I am not officially diagnosed but I strongly suspect I am on the spectrum. I started therapy 2 weeks ago and I’m waiting for the assessment results!! I’ve told my suspicions to a few friends (both psychologists) and they don’t believe. They say “you don’t seem autistic”, “you are just way to friendly to be like them”, “I’ve seen real autism and that’s not you” and so on...It’s so frustrating because they say it as if they knew how I feel or something.

[@aflowerthatbloomsinadversity]

I feel like I just learned what’s wrong with me...

[@flawbows3159]

@@aflowerthatbloomsinadversity the important thing to remember is that there's nothing wrong with you either way

[@flawbows3159]

@@lauraalejandrapazchaves3909 it sucks to have people dismiss you like that! Just remember to live by your truth and follow your path. Being diagnosed can be a huge relief, mostly because of the validation, but you can defend yourself even before having one! Just being a psychologist doesn't make anyone an expert, nor *your* therapist, so unless you were actually asking for a professional opinion you can always respond with a "mind your own business", it works miracles

[@Catlily5]

I hid in the bathroom at school. Cried it out. Washed off my face with cold water. Went back to class.

[@amyx8222]

Can really relate to the aftermaths of meltdowns. I live with my boyfriend and when he first saw my meltdowns I was terrified he'd leave me and tell everyone was a freak but he was amazing about it. The fear was all in my head. He's amazing when I'm experiencing them, although it took him a while to understand 'don't touch me' means 'do not touch me!!!', neurotypicals love to try and smother us in affection, although it's well intended it makes things so much worse! I have found though as my meltdown wears off I really enjoy being with him sometimes he'll bring all of my teddies and soft blankets and lie on me to help it pass (he'll ask first though because if I need to be alone, I really need to be alone). I've even found that teddies, soft blankets and him lying on me and me touching his hair (he has amazing curls that my autistic brain adores haha) can prevent a meltdown and help me self-regulate. To fall asleep I spoon him and play with his curls.. it's become an inside joke between me and a few close friends who are aware of my diagnosis because they find it hilarious. Magic floof curls! Does anyone find that not knowing what to wear when leaving the house can cause an instant meltdown? A couple miliseconds after the daunting realisation that you don't know what to wear can cause you to enter meltdown mode? I can fully go into child meltdown, kicking and screaming because the clothes don't look right or are itchy. But once it's sorted I either feel okay and carry on, or the meltdown exhausted me so I end up cancelling/ bailing on the event I was getting ready for and need a nap or time with my interests?

[@OliviaHops]

Hey Amy! Thanks so much for watching my video and for this awesome comment. I really enjoyed reading about your experience and about how your boyfriend has been so helpful and amazing about your autism. Mine is the same!! I totally thought the same thing as you and I still wonder why he doesn’t bail because I’m such a pain. We are both very lucky to have such calm and understand men! And about the clothes... OMG!! You just described my whole childhood. It was a nightmare. I (thankfully) wore a uniform to school, but every once in a while we’d have a “free dress day” and if we didn’t plan the outfit out the night before, I couldn’t decide what to wear and would have a meltdown. I’ve gotten better as I’ve gotten older and just don’t care what I look like lol. But it still happens. I actually plan on talking about this in an upcoming video, so stay tuned!

[@Pouquiloury]

Yes, clothes... Itching, too tight, labels I forgot to take out, just not being the look I was aiming for... Starting to sweat, get dizzy, etc... Don't come in to tell me it is almost departure time.... I 'll explode and it may even come to me not going anywhere for days. When I was in pre-school and elementary school, I would totally get into freeze mode in the morning after ADD-ing my time aways and my mother would urge me on, I would trip on the sidewalk and tear my stocking or sprain my ankle or arm. So we took monthly trips to hospital for x-rays. I told my mom, that nowadays that would raise eyebrows as for suspected child abuse and no one would accept me being that clumsy all the time... (but I really was coping with ADD and Autisme, IBS and a lot more that wasn't diagnosed)

[@kikibplays]

I have bailed on SO many things at the last minute because of clothing issues - something is uncomfortable or a waistband is tight or a shirt doesn't sit right or whatever... it's a complete disaster. I've taken to either choosing from just a few basic items I know I can cope with and feel good in, or going with one my 3 or 4 favorite dresses (though the last year has seen me abandoning my massive closet full of vintage dresses and living in jeans, t-shirts, and sweaters). I used to have regular meltdowns over this but had no idea what was happening, as I wasn't diagnosed until I was 38. My youngest is also autistic, and we plan out all her outfits for about two weeks at a time. If she has to figure it out on her own in the morning she's literally unable to get dressed.

[@eclaire1748]

I'm really happy for you but this has me crying bc when I have a meltdown I get yelled at usually, sometimes left alone or just totally ignored and it's just awful it really hurts me. No one will listen. Sometimes I imagine someone doing things like this for me to help me calm down

[@dsalazarm]

@@OliviaHops i Didnt realize this was common omg that’s like 90% of why i begged to go to uniform schools.

[@justinmurray9854]

When I have a meltdown I say terrible things to people that I normally would not say. Talk about embarrassing. I usually have to go on a spree apologizing to everyone that was around me during it. sucks. Its fun to deal with that shame of having to apologize, right after the meltdown.

[@ThomasDoubting5]

I can relate strongly to your statement, same here.

[@toni5543]

I relate. I can say horrible things about myself and it really scares people.

[@hellomiami4012]

At least you apologize. My SO never says sorry, doesn't acknowledge its a meltdown and blames me for everything. :/

[@sciencenotstigma9534]

Me too!

[@andgate2000]

Yep...the saying bads thing about people...is very hard to repair.

[@jojochan6]

This sounds so strangely familiar. All my life I've had these emotional outbursts, being inconsolable for no reason or for silly reasons. Sometimes it's anxiety or panic, but more often just not being able to deal with stuff that goes wrong. Last week I broke the yoke on my sunny side up egg, and I couldn't let go of the tears and the feeling that everything was ruined forever. I've always thought I'm just too sensitive or overreacting, and as an adult, afterwards, I even sometimes suspect myself of doing it on purpose (tantrum, manipulation). But in those moments I can sometimes "see" myself actively going into the outburst, but at the same time can't/won't stop it. Does anyone relate to that?

[@whiskersmom5850]

Wow, growing up my dad always would freak out if the breakfast he cooked wasn't absolutely perfect. What you're describing makes a lot of sense in retrospect.

[@Catlily5]

I know the outburst won't help and don't want to have it but it still happens.

[@roweme]

I once went into a weepy despair because I got my baked potato out the oven and realised I only had enough cheese left to grate onto one side. Everything felt ruined. Emotionally, the disappointment felt crushing, even though logically I knew this was wildly disproportionate to the event. I can also relate to fearing I'm maybe using it as a 'tactic' somehow, and can observe a meltdown almost as an outsider to myself but not be able/motivated to stop it. I've learned at least to self-soothe more and not to always reach out in a frantic panic to others in the middle of a meltdown, because when they pass I know I'll feel so humiliated that others saw me that way. I feel ashamed that I even used to do this and how many times my family have seen me in that state. It feels very self-absorbed.

[@shellymeschke]

Absolutely!!

[@kathryn6092]

When I was a kid I used to cry to my mom EVERY night before bed (talk about my school day then panic and be TERRIFIED for the next school day) and ask her “Why am I like this? Why am I not like the other kids? What did I do to deserve this?” It was horrible. When you said your mom heard you scream “Why did you make me like this?” I froze. It felt SO spot on. I mean literally everything you said was spot on, but that really brought up a memory. Those nights were horrible, it was like my nightmare routine. Every night. Thank you for making this video, it helped me so much.

[@rachelpriddis1896]

I'm crying listening to this. Your experience sounds exactly like my life. I am 50 and have never been diagnosed with anything except depression and anxiety. When a meltdown happens at work it can take days before I feel comfortable enough to face people.

[@viviennejohnston1046]

I get like this. So difficult to face people when they see u at your worst.

[@SilmeBetty]

Same. I'm in my 30s and getting diagnosed as an adult woman is pretty impossible, so I turned to Dr. Google and oh does it all fit and explain all the depression and anxiety I've ever had.

[@MadameSomnambule]

Similarly, depression and anxiety are the only things I was diagnosed with and I'm currently thinking about getting tested because I've started to relate to a LOT of girls on the spectrum (or neurodivergent in some way at the very least). I'm 27 going on 28 and it took me years to figure out what's going on in my brain from my childhood up until now. Hell, my dad even wanted me to get screened but my mom didn't, probs because she didn't want to put me in special ed or something. Diagnosis of depression and anxiety seem to be fairly common in girls prior to being diagnosed with autism or anything similar. Even my therapist said that autism can look like anxiety, and I thought that in that case, anxiety could also look like autism. Combined with comorbidities with adhd, that makes diagnosis all the more difficult and confusing.

[@BeeWhistler]

Am I late for the meeting? Same here! 50 and not even intending to try getting diagnosed. I don’t have many meltdowns these days because I’m very fortunate to be in a situation where I can walk away from stressors most of the time. Either that or I’ve managed to find ways to defuse them before they reach critical… but this is still due to being able to self-isolate most of the time. I gave up on therapy years ago. They never figured it out anyway. I had one dude who would listen to me vent about how much everything stressed me out and suggest I buy “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.” That’s right, I’m not neurodivergent, I’m just uptight. Doctor, I’m cured. A-hole… Anyway, yeah, doctors go straight to the most common cause instead of gathering all the data. Waste of time even bringing it up.

[@TheAccidentalViking]

I'm a mum and step-mum to two boys in the spectrum. What I tell people when they try to tell me what they think autism is, is , 'If you know a person with autism, you don't know what autism is. You just know one person with autism.' It's so different in the two boys and most other's I've met. Everyone is different. Thanks for talking so openly.

[@OliviaHops]

That’s such a fantastic quote! Thank you so much for sharing it with me and watching. Blessing to you and your “ausome” two boys!

[@mordecai5225]

I just had a 2 hour meltdown exactly like this before watching this. I'm undiagnosed and this video made me feel a little less alone in the world. Thank you 🥺

[@charliemopps4926]

I was just diagnosed with ASD recently at the age of 46. I've had this stuff going on my entire life... My meltdowns are more of a "shutdown" I think because of what you described... The aftermath is exceptionally humiliating and embarrassing. So I've learned to just "turn myself off" but that's not always socially acceptable... Like say at work... But, I just wanted to mention... NOT KNOWING is by far the worst situation you can be in. I spent 4 decades living in shame and humiliation. I had no idea what was wrong with me and my doctors only made things worse. They treated me like I was either making it up, looking for drugs or mentally ill. I went to Mayo clinic more than four times trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me and they couldn't figure it out. Then, by chance, a local nurse practitioner asked me if I realized I was autistic... "I'm what?" and suddenly my entire life made sense. I've compared it to being similar to realizing you're gay. You suddenly have to go back over your entire life and revaluate events with this new bit of insight and suddenly you start to understand why things have happened that you never understood before. It's a difficult process and I'm still going through it. I am not the person that I thought I was, and now I have to learn who it is I actually am and how to best live this person's life. It's super weird.

[@mxpants4884]

I figured it out in my 40s too. Ironically it was because I had a moment where it registered that a friend was probably autistic (she completely missed a hyperbolic level of sarcasm and my on-the-spectrum partner was there to confirm my impression). I started looking for resources for women on the spectrum, and was shocked by how much I related to. I was a gifted only child who talked mostly to adults and I developed an intense interest in what motivated people (in no small part to reduce the risk of the humiliation of discovering I was oblivious to being mocked). I was really good at people! (A framing that immediately stuck out as not the way neurotypical people would express this.) Previously I was diagnosed with bipolar, chronic depression and borderline personality. I feared that I was doomed to be manipulative and hurtful to anyone I loved. I still haven't been formally diagnosed, mainly for fear it will some day be used to deny the hormone therapy I started in my 30s when I realized that I was trans. I'm not "out" to as many folks about my autism yet outside of the friends I realize are also on the spectrum, but I hope to change that this year. One of my coworkers (who has an autistic kid) actually asked me if I was autistic. I had no idea just how adverse to loud noises I was until he mentioned it. It's such a relief to be able to recognize and sometimes anticipate what my brain will trip up on. I'm still trying to find enough space to listen to what I feel and want rather than trying to puzzle out everyone around me.

[@conniegarvie]

I can relate! I only realized I was gay, a couple of years ago when I fell in love with my best girlfriend. Now, I'm seeking diagnosis for autism! Many life changes! All of them wonderful!

[@LilThreat88]

I'm discovering the real autistic me now at 34. So glad to have answers and a community of folks with similar experiences to learn from. Good wishes to us all, on our journey!

[@TaraFinlay]

The embarrassment and shame is so intense and it was very very brave of you to share such a vulnerable moment. Mine are almost always due to communication issues with other people and I try and try to get them to speak more specifically and clarify and they are like “What’s the big deal? Why are you getting so upset?” When I was young I used to scream at god too. I didn’t understand how come I would go to church and follow the rules and still these things would happen to me. It’s so nice to see you back. Your videos are great.

[@OliviaHops]

Thanks so much for watching another video, Tara. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that and people don't take your needs seriously. That's so frustrating. I hope you can have some better experiences with people understanding more soon.

[@erinmcdonald7781]

It's amazing how similar our experiences are. I was always made to feel like it was some sort of character flaw, or that if I was doing what was right, then I wouldn't feel like that.... It's been a challenge to get counseling and diagnoses. I wish our medical system was more accessible.

[@violetxoxox]

The worst part for me is having a meltdown around any other people. I isolate myself to the extreme, as it is, because keeping my mask on is so exhausting and I’m terrified of it slipping (and a meltdown is an enormous, embarrassing slip), and it’s worst of all when it happens around people I’ve recently met. I recently hired someone to help me with cleaning projects that were too much for me physically, and at some point it just got to be way too much - too much talking, too much sensory overload, too many questions, too many decisions, too much having to explain why I wanted something done this way instead of that way, etc. - and I lose all ability to talk or in any way try to vocalize, “This is too much for me, I need to be alone now” and I go into full meltdown. If only makes it worse when the person it happens around responds by saying, “Look, if you don’t want me to come around any more...” Afterwards, it’s horrible to have to sit them down and have the “It’s not you, it’s me, it had nothing to do with you” conversation and tell them about the stuff that’s “wrong” with me, the very thing I constantly wear a mask to try to HIDE, and I just end up feeling even more embarrassed and more of a freak. The way they look at me, either like they don’t believe me or like they’re thinking, “Okay, this is definitely someone I never want to be around again” ... it’s just mortifying. I gave up trying to make friends years ago because of it, because I always think no one could ever truly LIKE me, but it happens even with acquaintances and service people I hire to help me. I’m achingly lonely, but if I could get by never having to see or be around any other people, ever, I would. I wall myself off as much as I can, about 99% of the time, but it’s impossible not to come into contact with anyone EVER.

[@amyrowles1486]

Sounds familiar. I don't have the energy, patience, concentration to take care of my dishes/laundry/cleaning/etc but I can't ask for help because they'd just be in my way and asking me questions that i don't know the answer to and then I'd get more frustrated and overwhelmed and irritable then mad then exhausted and my house would still be a mess and I'd have wasted all my time and their time then I'd cry in the shower for an hour and pass out from exhaustion. ... and that's why I don't want help 😒🤯🌚

[@DontAssume123]

Why do you care so much about what random people think of you? There are people out there who will love you no matter what trust me. Keep looking. Fucking the random people.

[@samuelwhite8516]

I'm autistic and sometimes am lucky enough to be home alone during a meltdown. It's mortifying when it happens in public and I can relate to the shame wave that hits you afterward. I've never seen a video of someone speaking about much less showing it. Thank you.

[@wellsonwheels457]

I thought everyone had melt downs. I really get embarrassed too. Thank you for sharing

[@emiliemumby546]

Everyone does have meltdowns at times, but autism meltdowns r a lot different to other people's meltdowns, as a person with autism will find it a lot harder calming down from a meltdown compared to a person without autism, also an autism meltdown can escalate a lot faster and easier than a non autistic person, also people with autism have a lot more troubles controlling and learning how to control a meltdown, when a person without autism can learn how to deal with a meltdown faster than someone with autism. Like mine can last between mins to hours depending what level my meltdown is in, if I'm at my worse level then they can last for hours with me and it's very hard to deal with them for that long and I get so exhausted that I want the meltdown to stop but it's not that easy as I have no control over it.

[@Catlily5]

I hate not being able to calm down as fast as other people. Even mental health professionals would be puzzled that I couldn't calm down.

[@marshallmellow3476]

discovering I'm autistic (and add) has literally saved my life. I'm so glad I wasn't the only one going through this and that there's a reason and I'm not just "broken" or "dramatic" like I've been told and thought my whole life. I'm so thankful I have words to describe what I'm going through and I'm not just "a baby." Thanks so much for this video and opening up it really means the world to me right now because this is literally what I have went through for as long as I can remember.

[@lesliecrockett4108]

Most of my meltdowns happened when other people went too far in bullying me, or when a person physically threatened me. They were so violent that I really feared that I would injure, or worse, someone. I was never the type to do a crying hysterical meltdown.I began seriously working on this, after an incident when I was 19. I tried to pay close attention to what had happened before the explosion. Over a few months I was able to identify physical symptoms, earlier and earlier. If I begin to tighten up, it is coming. If I begin to shake I have to leave, immediately. If the power/heat surges up from my feet, to my head. ( Very, very rare now) I get out! Because of my severe PTSD from abuse, if a male adult threatens or tries to harm me, I have no control. I begin screaming and I attack with deadly intent.No fear, no pain, no mercy. You see why I worked so hard to gain control. Only makes though. I have never flipped out on a child, smaller woman or ( heaven forbid!) an animal. I'm 69 now.

[@SnakeitySpoonGilmour]

It's good to see someone else with violent meltdowns. It seems like nobody understands them, even other autistic people.

[@morganpauls1873]

please elaborate more on the pysical sensation and emotions? i once almost hit a person and meant it only just stopped myself I've never done that before or since but am still trying to make sense of what happened both generally and particular to myself any input would be greatly appreciated

[@mistressliz3891]

I remember having meltdowns in high school, and being the good student I was, I had to attend class anyways. I remember how humiliating it was, everyone coming to me, and asking me what was wrong, and being unable to speak as I was gasping for air... and not being able to leave and be alone, which would have been the most helpful thing, just kids staring at me, as I cried in class.

[@ossaobscura]

Mistress Liz, this was me too, all the way through school. The humiliation and embarrassment was horrible. Then through every job I've ever had. Finally diagnosed late in life. Wish I had known sooner.

[@mistressliz3891]

@@ossaobscura ive lost 2 jobs due to having a meltdown at work, and being too ashamed to ever come back. Glad I'm not the only person going through it.

[@Catlily5]

I would run to the bathroom and cry quietly in the stalls so no one could see me. If they saw me they would tease me for crying.

[@nataleeisjustchilling2737]

I’ve never had a meltdown at school before (knock on wood), my meltdowns can be quite aggressive with a lot of cussing, they’re usually caused by sensory overload or frustration, actually I’ve only ever had meltdowns at home, at my grandmas house, in the car, and only in public when I was a kid

[@Brynnthebookworm]

This was me as well, and was the biggest part of what prevented me from fitting in at school even when I had learned to mask my other symptoms. Even if I managed to cry in the bathroom before coming back I still hated sitting there with my face all read and blotchy with everyone trying to ignore it. As an adult I can usually recognize when I'm getting overwhelmed and walk away from the situation until I feel better (though depending on the cause this can mean ignoring something I'm supposed to be doing for months). But I have still had breakdowns at work because I work in customer service and sometimes you just get that asshole who won't stop pushing your buttons. Fortunately when this has happened to me my employers have been understanding and let me walk away for a bit to get sorted again. I can usually do this quicker at work by compartmentalizing, but this comes with the caveat of not always recognizing the signs of being too stressed until they become physical, like getting jaw pain from clenching, heartburn, or occasionally with extreme stress suppression I can get a heart arrhythmia. When that happens I need to seriously reassess and remove the stressor asap.

[@a.r.8954]

I really appreciate the visual of the meltdown. I only recently realized I was autistic (at 35) and I never recognized my meltdowns as meltdowns because my stimming is extremely subtle and mostly repressed. I look identical to you when I melt down----uncontrollable sobbing and 'tics' that I didn't identify as stims. Thank you for your courage and your vulnerability.

[@nicolesamsonite]

I had a horrible meltdown a few years ago when we traveled to stay with my SO's family. I now know, I was extremely exhausted from masking all day, I never had moments to myself because we were always visiting family and we were staying at their house. So one day I think it became too much and I didn't want to come out of my room, I could not stop crying. My partner was like what the hell is wrong with you? What are you crying about?? I literally did not know. I'm like I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm crying, I'm trying to stop. I could not stop, I cried for hours. It was the worst. The worst thing is not having someone who understands. This is all so hard to deal with. -_-

[@janettewong9900]

I’m so sorry you had to go through that. My husband is wonderful about it, especially when we visit his family. While I’m not autistic (never been tested), I’m very self-aware and know when I need to take space for myself and I was really lucky he and his family/friends have been so understanding. I hope y’all work it out eventually and you find the support you need.

[@nicolesamsonite]

@@janettewong9900 amazing. Some people grow up thinking mental issues are not real and "you're not trying hard enough to change". I told him what I need and he's just like, well you can't have it your way all the time. I'm willing to compromise. We've talked about it alot, I feel like maybe he's kind of coming around. There needs to be better education on this. Can't imagine what a world of difference it makes to have someone who helps and supports.

[@devan6127]

Thank you for putting a word to what I’ve been doing my whole life. I feel like a freak. Like I don’t know who I am and I’m only my best self when I’m alone.

[@sciencenotstigma9534]

Yes! Staying with family is so hard, especially those who don’t know your ways. My mom’s side knew I was just the way I was, and gave me some space when I needed it, even if they weren’t always understanding. I didn’t see my dad’s extended family often, so it was much more stressful & I had meltdowns.

[@Cauldron6]

I hope your SO apologized to you after. I know it feels like we NEED, but we should never have to apologize for something we can’t physically control.

[@fightingfaerie]

When you were talking about getting upset and having a meltdown over something like a screw not going in, it fit so perfectly I never realized that was a meltdown. My grandma always scolds me for overreacting and "you can't frustrated like this at a job". Like gee not helping mommom, now I have sudden unnecessary anxiety over a possible future job. Now I know it is autism.

[@motherofsneks486]

My meltdowns can look like what you showed in the vid (thank you for being so candid btw, I really appreciate all the awareness you bring) Sometimes when I am being yelled at to stop or touched it gets so much worse. I can't breath, I hyperventilate, I hold my head or face and rock violently back and forth, somtimes repeatedly hitting my hwqd against the wall or floor. If people are yelling at me to stop I literally can't, I have tried everything. I cry so loud....wailing in despair and choking on air. I often come out of those episodes utterly spent and unable to talk, often with long scratches on my face and neck I didn't realize I was giving myself during the meltdown. I am 35 years old and I feel like a spoiled toddler. I am trying everything in my power to change this but I don't know how.

[@kaycevanveer212]

My skin starts to burn before. You are describing this so well. ❤

[@AshleeKnowsNot]

I'm starting to realize I probably need to get tested. the more I learn about autism in women the more I realized I probably have it. I've had anxiety attacks my whole life and I'm starting to realize they might have actually been meltdowns. I don't know if this is helpful to anyone but sometimes if I have physical and mental stimulation to distract me it helps. And I specifically mean my Rubik's Cube. If I can have access to one when I'm freaking out it helps calm me down because I have to focus all of my energy on solving the cube. Normally it's an easy task. That means I'm not going to get frustrated by not being able to do it, but I have to think harder than I normally would to stay focused on the cube. Usually by the time Ive solved it a few times I realize Ive completely calmed down.

[@MaxOakland]

That sounds like stimming. I think I’ve heard out can be very helpful for people with autism 💜

[@mackenziewesten8506]

I’ve been trying to learn more about Autism in girls lately because I match many signs of it, but due to the lack of research surrounding females with Autism, I struggle with figuring out whether I should get tested. I’ve had horrible sensory issues my entire life, but my parents (both therapists) just thought that’s the way I am. These weren’t normal breakdowns when I had them- I would scream the entire way in the car, no matter how long because I cannot stand ANYTHING tight or restrictive. My mom had to remove tags from my clothes, and ANYTHING even remotely scratchy I refused and still refuse to wear. I stripped in a ballet class when I was a toddler because the tights were itchy. My meltdowns have always been called panic attacks, but some feel different when they’re because of sensory issues. I have many other signs, just thought these were the ones that matched best with the video

[@Dancestar1981]

Ah the fidget toy a very important tool to help self regulate

[@Dancestar1981]

@@mackenziewesten8506 sensory sensitivities are very common for the Neurodiverse

[@klc3133]

sudoku does this for me when I feel overwhelmed.

[@allisonkeevers6076]

Being embarrassed about a meltdown is like being embarrassed about an epileptic fit or a heart attack. You can't control it, so don't blame yourself. I'm diagnosed Bipolar Disorder, and wasn't diagnosed until 40 years old. I'm so glad you finally got your answer at a much younger age. I am really enjoying your videos, and having discovered you now I am binge watching you, so to me it wasn't a year, it was just a few minutes 🙂

[@J3w3lz4nn]

I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels embarrassed after a meltdown. I also want nobody to touch, talk or even be around me during a meltdown. I wanna be alone.

[@rossburgess2965]

These meltdowns traumatized my husband and he burned out and left me, I was diagnosed too late last year. It was really exasperated by cptsd and exhaustion and hormones. I self harmed or if he would argue with/scream at/touch me when I said no it got really bad, and I felt so out of control and then I would hate myself so much afterward and feel so tired and embarrassed. The trapped in my own skin feeling is so accurate. I hate this part of myself so much. I think the only thing that really helped, looking back now, is space, screaming and crying it out, not being argued with (which for my poor husband wasn’t fair since has negative emotions/anger too) and being talked to calmly, saying it’s okay and let it out and we’re okay. I’m learning that I need to do this for myself and I wish I’d realized sooner, so I didn’t exhaust him.

[@siennaprice1351]

I’m an adult female on the autism spectrum. I also have complex PTSD and a physical disability that I don’t dare share publicly. I went through almost a decade of many forms of abuse by my own psychotic stepmom. I was mocked for my meltdowns and for stimming. I was punished for stimming and for having meltdowns. I was called names. She did physical things to me also, like beating my head on the wall. Or if she saw me doing harm to myself, she would do it for me. I now live with my real mother, who treats me right, and she understands me, and lets me be me. My meltdowns are mostly due to intrusive thoughts and flashbacks because of my CPTSD. Can having intrusive thoughts or PTSD flashbacks cause autism meltdowns? Is it like too much emotion stimuli on the brain or something? My CPTSD almost killed my spirit, because I believed for a long time that I would never make it with my talents. And that I was never good enough, even with my talents. I used to think I deserved the abuse, and that everything was all my fault. I even used to believe that my stepmom was right about some of the horrible names that she called me. I’m definitely a sensory seeker, I love compression. But there are certain times where I’d like to be left alone until I’m to the point where I can be touched, then I let someone hug me.

[@kathleenrobertson5182]

You hit it right on all fronts. The recovery time is grueling. I'm beyond brain fog, and into loss of intellect trapped in all of the negative feelings of shame, embarrassment and guilt. It's horrible.

[@rosealldays]

Ooo same

[@LimegreenSnowstorm]

Wow… as someone who also has meltdowns, knowing you were willing to record one of yours and post it astounds me. How incredibly brave. I consider myself a pretty open person but I’ve only ever felt comfortable letting my husband see my meltdowns. I really appreciate your vulnerability!

[@mayloomis9638]

I started having meltdowns only recently, to do with work pressures and burnout. Thank you for showing that recording. I recorded one of mine and this video helped a lot for me to feel like I'm not the only one this happens to. It takes so long to recover. And I'm not sure how to support myself if I can't now work without triggering meltdowns. It's frustrating and really hard to find disability support for this. It's debilitating.

[@aftersexhighfives]

Try something that recharges you. For me it's sewing, when I was younger it was painting by numbers and before that reading. Just brain off time focus on the thing in front of me that requires no thinking. My best friend goes on hiking and works out as her brain off time. Find your brain off time. and TV doesn't count.

[@TheDeborah0101]

I'm 61 and had one major meltdown when I was 14. I consider myself extremely lucky in this regard, but it does take work to make sure the meltdowns don't happen. I'm an obsessive planner. I have a backup plan for my backup plan. I spend a great deal of time thinking about what could go wrong, and plan out a couple of backup scenarios and what to do if something does goes wrong. That doesn't mean the anxiety isn't there, but knowing I have a backup and concentrating on the next step of my backup plan lessens the anxiety of change.

[@HypnoRhymes]

You were so brave to record and show your meltdown to the world. Mine are often very explosive and related to emotional overload and change, not sensory so much

[@RainbowCurveCostuming]

Oh my, I have had these meltdowns all my life but I thought it was normal. My mom called me inconsolable when I was a teenager. Only yesterday I looked up autism in female adults and I think I may tick some boxes... 😓

[@kikibplays]

I hope you're able to find some answers and some support for what you're dealing with! I was diagnosed about 2 years ago, when I was 38. Unfortunately it's very common for autistic females to go unnoticed and undiagnosed for far too much of their lives, and clinicians simply fail to understand how differently most of us present compared to males. I'm now struggling to get a diagnosis for my 12 year-old daughter; the last "professional" who evaluated her said there was no way she could be autistic because she made eye contact and could understand another person's point of view (I was making eye contact while they said this; they failed to see what I found so funny).

[@RainbowCurveCostuming]

@@kikibplays Finding this selfdiagnoses has just blown my mind so much makes sense to me now - I have contacted someone for an official diagnoses but it is dragging on a bit. I am 37 and I think you are right there are many more like us.

[@kikibplays]

@@RainbowCurveCostuming there are some good lectures from Sarah Hendrickx right here on KZbin about female autism, I highly recommend you check them out. She spent years working with autistic people but was not diagnosed herself until she was in her 30's or 40's, and she talks at length about some of the issues that women specifically face. It was very helpful to me when I was first starting down that road.

[@RainbowCurveCostuming]

@@kikibplays thanks i'll check them out

[@kathrynburnham3983]

Me too

[@xchelle]

Thank you for sharing this so openly and honestly. I’m diagnosed with OCD and ADHD, but I find this very relatable. My meltdowns are usually because things feel “wrong” or when people move things out of place. I used to be in Army ROTC in college, and I would absolutely LOSE IT when I couldn’t lace my boots up in a way that felt “right” or when my shirt sleeves would scrunch up when putting my jacket over it. Now that I live with my partner and our kids, I don’t have a room or space that is solely my own, and there are days I just set up at my desk or on the couch for the entire day because I know my stress level is so high that going through the rest of the house and seeing everything in disarray will trigger a meltdown. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’ve been misdiagnosed because in addition to meltdowns and aversion to change, etc. I also have a lot of trouble with social interaction and other things, but every therapist I’ve asked has sort of blown it off. It’s also tough because from everything I’ve read so far, the three are so identical in the way they present and can even be co-occurring. I take medication for OCD and ADHD, and sometimes I feel like they work, but other times I feel like they just exacerbate my symptoms and make me really anxious and panicky.

[@OliviaHops]

Hi Michelle! Thanks so much for watching my video and telling me a little bit about your story. First, thank you so much for being in the military and serving our country. The fact you did that with your disorders (whether you're autistic or not) is EXTREMELY incredible and you should be so proud. Second, I can absolutely relate to not having my own space and my sleeves getting scrunched. Like you said, they are very similar things and many people who are autistic also have ADHD and OCD. I have a little bit of both, but it falls under the "Autism" umbrella. Don't get discouraged about doctors brushing it off. Unfortunately, not many understand how ASD presents itself in females.If you feel like you want a diagnosis and this could be it, don't let anything discourage you. Keep fighting until someone listens to you and gets it. I hope this helped in some way. Good luck and God Bless!

[@hyenachica]

TW: self harm? I remember when I was younger and my step dad knew I was autistic, but I had restrained myself around him so much that he didn't acknowledge it much. Then I brought 2 rats home from the pet store, because I had birthday money and they were about to get fed to the snakes. My mom and step dad told me they were gross and I had to bring them back. I rolled around SOBBING for over an hour on the porch, I was pulling my hair out, hitting myself, scratching myself, and just having the most uncontrollable and exhausting meltdown ever. I felt so trapped and responsible for the rat's lives and it would've been impossible to get me to take them back. After that I got to keep them and my step dad apologized for how hard he had been on me, and explained that I was so good at hiding my autism that he forgot how real it was.

[@erinmcdonald7781]

I can totally relate. I think most of mine have been triggered by stress or frustration. I would also hit myself in the head, like maybe trying to knock something right. That happened in full blown melt down mode, which knock on wood, I haven't had in quite a while. I know it's hard to open up, but seeing these posts helps me realize I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing & feel free to reply. 💜✌️😎

[@kathleenmaryparker8662]

When you said "my mother thought I was being a brat" I started to cry ... (trigger warning on section - about my father - in "reply")

[@kathleenmaryparker8662]

My father was even worse - he used to physically attack me - including sexually inappropriate spanking ...

[@JustinaJayne]

My dad was also violent and inappropriate and it was extremely hard. I was told being hypersensitive alone my PTSD is more intense than others bc the moment was more intense to me than it would’ve been to others and you are the same way :( I’m sorry that you endured that. We are survivors.

[@eclaire1748]

@@kathleenmaryparker8662 what is sexually inappropriate spanking? This sounds horrible and I really feel for you. My partner yells at me or leaves me alone or ignores me or makes really scary faces and I can't recover from the emotional pain the reaction causes so it's stacking up

[@eclaire1748]

@@JustinaJayne same :( no one believed that im autistic or have ptsd but I am diagnosed

[@kneecaps6202]

@@eclaire1748 I think she means stripping her down and spanking her, I had the same. I always thought it was normal

[@frognr2]

That meltdown footage was intense, but wow so useful. Thank you so much for uploading it. I remember having these as a kid all the time for hours over the smallest things, and i would hide under my bed and just felt like i wanted to die bc everything felt SO much. My parents would lay next to the bed and hold my hand through it, because nothing else helped. When i was a teenager i thought they were panic attacks, and then as an adult i just thought i had emotional breakdowns all the time over nothing and was so worried. ive always been unsure to call them meltdowns, bc i wasnt sure how an actual meltdown looked like, but thats EXACTLY how my breakdowns look like. And the loss of control you’re describing, its actually so relieving to know that what ive been experiencing is an actual thing

[@Nuunu88]

I have "ugly crying" meltdowns too, but do anyone also have meltdowns like .. boiling slowly but stays "below surface"? (Just wanted to clarify that I don't think you're ugly, you are gorgeous)

[@TomoyoTatar]

My mother thinks I'm just a psychopath for this reason

[@samdevine-turner4463]

Yes! I can get really fidgety, and my mind is all over the place, and usually I'm looking for a way to escape a situation, or really to escape my body, like I feel uncomfortable in my body, and I can't let it out or show it in any major way so it just simmers below the surface. And I think I've done that so much that it's rare I have a full blown meltdown nowadays, so even when I'm on my own, I can't 'relieve' that feeling by letting it out as I'm so used to just letting it stay inside. It's absolutely exhausting.

[@seashells1460]

@@samdevine-turner4463 my friend and I recently tried what I call "destruction therapy" I'm not sure if there's a legit name for it but we get a bunch of random crap we don't need or find a random old piece of furniture and destroy it out in the middle of nowhere. It really helps me to scream and yell and just say "fuck you!!!" Lol! It's great release and it's not hurting anyone and it's silly and fun.

[@kiki-drawer2669]

This is why I can't show anyone my meltdowns. I just cry with my entire body and face and it looks very overdramatic. But it's what my body feels and what it wants to do. If somone stops me I'll only have another meltdown in a few days because I didn't get to have a proper outlet of my emotions. I guess seeing somone else express themself so deeply is very hard to watch im sure.

[@sydneyperson1336]

@@samdevine-turner4463 yes !!! this is exactly what i experience. i was doubting my autism because of this. it feels the exact same as a full blown meltdown, but it’s worse because i’m not letting it out enough. sometimes ill press my nails against my skin, punch my leg once very hard, to let it out when i’m in public.

[@toledoleslie]

I just found your channel earlier this week and I'm so glad you're back! My 11 year old daughter is in the process of being evaluated for autism. She has meltdowns due to stress and her calming technique is very similar to yours. This video is very helpful, thank you!

[@OliviaHops]

Thank you so much for supporting me! I'm so glad this video could be helpful for you. Your daughter is awesome and can grow up to be anything she wants!

[@the9file]

i was completely baffled by my childhood meltdowns well into adulthood

[@OliviaHops]

Same!!

[@Marissatro1773]

The shame from meltdowns is what’s so debilitating, I’m glad you touched on that point. I recently actually told my boyfriend that I’d seriously prefer shutdowns over meltdowns, since shutdowns look more “normal” than a meltdown.

[@samanthaw8837]

For the longest time I thought I was just having panic attacks. The part that really resonated with me was when you said you feel trapped in your skin/body. I get that claustrophobic sensation and my body feels foreign to me. Like I just want to astral project out of there, lol. I don't want to be touched, I struggle to talk. They seem to happen a lot when I'm going through a period of change, even if I'm not consciously aware that I'm stressed.

[@helicopterhorsemom5485]

I’ve had meltdowns all my life! Thank you for sharing. Mine are similar to yours but I can say at age 54 I’m a little better at controlling them. It’s mostly prepping so they don’t happen. I need sleep, healthy meals at regular intervals, space when I get overwhelmed, support from my loved ones (remind me that you love me and tell me you are not going away). My BF of ten years is the only human who’s ever been able to talk to me and help me calm. ❤

[@helicopterhorsemom5485]

Oh and yes I totally shut down. When I shut down I begin making mental plans how I am going to move, get a new job, run away from whoever I’m with or wherever I am. Being ADHD also, I tend to make rash judgments and I lurch from one extreme to another. Then, a few days later when I’ve calmed down, I realize none of that is sensible and I’m okay. I have lost friends and love relationships because my moods are so weird. DBT class helped me a lot.

[@dlofton8254]

Thank you so much for being so open and vulnerable here. I see you, and I appreciate you. I am struggling with figuring out if I have autism or not and am trying learn as much as I can. I have been diagnosed with ADHD, so it's making it a little difficult for me to figure out.

[@sarawawa8984]

I’m not autistic but I’ve had meltdowns due to stress all my life and all I call the aftermath my “shame spirals” because I literally just spiral down into deep pits of shame after having a meltdown/episode. For me it comes from this sense of being just completely and utterly overwhelmed, and I get that feeling of wanting to rip out of my own skin. I can’t even completely explain because I don’t think I really want to rip out of my skin I just feel really trapped and overwhelmed? Idk, but it’s a mess and I’m a horrible person to be around during it. I looked into them being panic attacks but I don’t think I’m going to die during them, I’m not really thinking much of anything honestly, it’s just raw feeling, so I don’t think they’re panic attacks. I’m thinking they’re anxiety attacks because they are triggered by stress or negative emotions basically, but I’m going to be honest, what you described in this video is the closest thing to what I’ve experienced.

[@cwalsh-thebabysocialworker]

I one hundred percent relate ❤️🥺

[@alexisflory6496]

In psychology an anxiety attack is similar to a long term state of very high tension. They tend to last hours and are akin to feeling physically ill in my experience. These very well may be a meltdown. Non autistic individuals can have them, it's just less common and sensory stimuli doesn't tend to be a trigger them.

[@VeronicaGorositoMusic]

They are terrifying. I had those being an adult, and I broke 2 guitars. I'm a musician, but couldn't stop it, because I was having suicidal ideations and breaking those guitars were the 1st step to actually KMS after. My family obviously thought they were in danger and started to kick me from the family group. I just needed love and a HUG. They avoided me and only think of themselves and how to get rid of me. Thank you Olivia. PS: I had millions of those that aren't involving physical movements or destructive behavior, just crying ALL DAY loud, shaking, trembling like in terror, not being able to tell others what I feel. It's so terrifying and I felt so alone 😓 I'm very social but at same time, people generates me deep anxiety....I need people and same time need to be calm, and it NEVER happens.

[@lisa-gayecalabrese4360]

As I watched this & your other videos it was like looking in a mirror. The difference is I’m 53 years old. I am so appreciative of you making these. I have recently become aware that I might be autistic. My question is where did you go to get diagnosed? I’ve looked online & they only have references to males. Any help would help. Thank you.

[@kathywinkler9802]

Wow!! .... This explains SO MUCH!!!!! .... I started looking at these videos, to help my grandson... but now... I wonder if perhaps I too am autistic... I'm off to view your next video!! .... thanks!!

[@BeeWhistler]

This was illuminating. I’m self-diagnosed and all the talk of meltdowns and being unable to control them has made me wonder if I really am Autistic. Your descriptions and the clip have made it clearer. I would have regular sobbing meltdowns as a kid and always felt like a brat for it. Throughout my life it’s been sort of a regular thing I just came to expect… after a certain amount of time I’d crack and have another sobbing fit alone in my room. I figured it was lifelong depression or anxiety, which are certainly an issue, or too much stress at the time. The pain and frustration would built over time and finally all the problems of my life would churn around in my head as though there was no hope at all and I would howl until I felt sick. Then I’d go to sleep and in the morning resume life, kinda tired but weirdly lighter. So yeah, I dunno, maybe it is just a coping mechanism and I just have GAD and ADHD but it certainly makes sense as Autism as well. I’m 50 now and hardly have those anymore. Since we started house shopping long distance I’ve had a couple. The whole concept is incredibly stressful and I’ve had to gradually acclimate my brain to it. But what I usually have is what I like to think of as mini-meltdowns or silent meltdowns. Just suddenly realizing I’m no longer capable of dealing and refusing to do so. I prevent a lot by peacing out early, tbh. Looking at houses in freaking Texas online until I say, “No, nope, nuh-uh… Texas isn’t real. It’s a conspiracy. They made it up to frighten children…” Then I play video games or eat a snack or something… In your defense… who cuts a doughnut in half? You might as well cut a taco in half. Bisecting a doughnut ruins its groove entirely. All your anticipation, sliced in two. It’s like the meltdown I had in 5th grade… I was in a “smart kid” program called AIM and they had a Christmas party for us. I was so excited, there were decorations and treats and tiny wrapped gifts. I grew up in a large family, but with no local extended family that might give extra somethings on special days, and money was tight for our family… we didn’t get a lot of extra treats in general. I thought the tiny wrapped gifts would have some little curiosity or goodie, something special, even if it was just a candy bar it would have been exciting, but when I picked out one to unwrap… it was toothpaste. Aim toothpaste. It was supposed to be a joke. I broke down and cried. I was so disappointed! Toothpaste is not a gift, for one thing. For another thing, I hate mint. Moreso then. And minty toothpaste burns like fire; I buy a special cinnamon paste these days. And here they are, giving me toothpaste. Half the gifts were that, the other half gum… which is still kinda weak but better than toothpaste. It was like getting a toilet brush… anyway, I make it my business to have something special in any and every goodie bag that goes to kids. Even a lollipop can tilt the mojo in the direction of confetti and balloon energy. But man, was I embarrassed at the time.

[@flanplan5903]

I love how you talk about meltdowns! My meltdowns used to be more severe as a kid (I was diagnosed at age 2), but I deal better with them now...but I’m such a mystery to myself that I cannot even tell what my meltdown triggers are.

[@OliviaHops]

It can be hard to figure out your triggers! I sometimes don't know why I have a meltdown either. So, don't worry. You are not alone!

[@neurodivergentme]

I’m so happy to see a video from you! I was recently diagnosed as autistic and really related to your experiences. The exhaustion that follows a meltdown is the absolute worst part for me. I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing your experiences. 💕🌻

[@OliviaHops]

Thank you so much for watching my video! The exhaustion really is the worst part. I wish you the best of luck in your autism journey! :)

[@carolynpinkerton7380]

I'm 69 and self-diagnosed. I've been watching these videos about women and Autism and these are some that I especially enjoy and have learned from. When I was a child we had a walk-in closet in our house. I remember that a lot of the time when I got upset I went in there and screamed and screamed. My mother said that she listened and made sure that I was alright and let me stay in the closet until I was ready to come out by myself. My mother also said that I never seemed to have emotions about anything. I would just look with no expression. I know now that is an autistic trait. Looking back on my life and the way that I am now, I think that I've learned to internalize everything and just not feel. I don't cry. I didn't cry when my mother or my sister or brother died. But for some reason I can cry when a pet dies. I guess that with people the emotion is there. It just doesn't come out. But I really don't care. I've been in some situations where it's probably saved me.

[@LilThreat88]

Hi, I'm 34 and self diagnosed too. I felt way too much as a child and really hated it, so I learned how to switch off emotions, if I needed to. I got better and better at it, until now I need to learn how to release them a little, so I can process them and let them go. Not there yet! Same, I didn't cry when my father died and I can cry about pets. For me, grieving a human was too big and would overwhelm me. Good wishes to you on your journey❤

[@nymphithys1558]

This is very interesting!! I suspect my mom of having this aswell, she is 68 now. I used to get angry when she didnt cry when her parents and brother died, and tell her she is not fooling anyone by putting on the "tough" mask pretending not to care. That she shouldnt be ashamed to do it in front of us, her kids. It felt like she didnt trust us enough that we would judge her or something. I offered that if she doesnt want to talk to family or friends maybe she could see a professional about it, but she refused that even more. I asked other women about this, mothers of my friends her age, and they said it is sort of the general way their generation was brought up to deal with emotions. Work hard, care for kids, dont complain, cry in bed, rinse and repeat. That was kind of an eye opener for me, as the profesionals helped me so much with my own mental health so i would have wished that for her too, but I stopped trying to force it on her as soon as i realize that.

[@sweetlolitaChii]

I've had selective mutism growing up during periods of high stress and no one knew why. Got diagnosed with bipolar, then ocd, then social anxiety and depression, then generalized anxiety, and finally realized I'm autistic. It literally helped my marriage and work so much and explained why my tears couldn't stop or I couldn't follow directions properly but everyone around me knew I was smart. So frustrating

[@Susan-wg5mn]

I just recently realized that I have ASD. Watching your video about meltdowns was very eye opening. This is the first time in my whole 48 years of life did I realize there was a name and explanation of what I was going through and experiencing. Thank you!

[@OliviaHops]

You are not alone, Susan! I'm so glad you found my video and it could give you some answers. That is my main goal when I make them, so this makes me so excited. Good luck and God Bless!

[@juliahill7732]

You really are a breath of fresh air. You're helping so many people with your videos ( autistic and non autistic alike) Thank you Olivia.

[@castleofcostamesa8291]

As a mother of two boys with autism, I thank you for your video. Blessings to you!

[@ellahopkinson]

I felt the same way growing up- i feel most of my problems came from others including myself not understanding me properly, and when I got diagnosed at 18- just being able to know there is nothing wrong with me and I'm not bad, just different solved a lot of issues and enabled me to deal with my problems much better- I think having undiagnosed autism leads to a lot of mental health problems that can be alleviated when you finally understand what's happening. Love the video- so great to hear others with similar experiences, the more this happens hopefully the less shame we will have for having meltdowns or shutdowns 🙂

[@novarag]

I’m so happy you started posting again, I was starting to worry. Thank you for everything you do.

[@OliviaHops]

Thanks so much for your support. I couldn't do these videos without amazing people like you!

[@PixelatedFaerie]

I've been diagnosed with major depression, anxiety disorder (both of which I'm on meds for) and ADHD. I'm almost 32. I want to pursue an ASD diagnosis. I believe it's been misdiagnosed and has contributed to a lot of problems in my life. Thank you for being vulnerable and showing your actual meltdown. I'm sure that took courage. It's nice hearing someone talk about going through this. I have been dealing with these meltdowns since I was a little kid. And I don't have them as often, but I still get them sometimes and they are terribly embarrassing and upsetting when they happen. I always end up apologizing not too long after to whoever was around when it happened. It's like when it's happening, you're not in control of yourself. I have subscribed and look forward to more videos.

[@allsortsoflotsofthings]

Thank you for explaining meltdowns so well and so honestly Olivia :-)

[@LisaCapron]

Daaang.... this is the perfect description. My mom still refuses to admit I’m autistic... but one of her favorite stories from when I was little was when I was a toddler... if she cut my sandwich in the kitchen, okay. If she put my sandwich in front of me and asked if I wanted it cut... okay. But if she put it in front of me and cut it without asking me? Meltdown. She’d have to take me in the bathroom and put cold cloths on my forehead because I’d be hyperventilating.

[@EvenTheEevee]

Wait, so you're telling me that my outbursts of screaming, crying, running out of the room and into my bed and everything out of nowhere, when I have stress especially with my parents are meltdowns? Like it makes so much sense now... I always wondered if everyone has these, because I was always told it was anger and I should just put it down, but anger feels different for me. Also the aftermath is the worst... The only people who ever witnessed a meltdown of mine are my family, and they still don't get, that I can't control them and need my time afterwards. So my parents usually come into my room and want to talk with me about it, and because I'm in meltdown mode, I will just scream at them to get out... I always wondered, why my sister never does those things, but now it really makes sense...

[@aftersexhighfives]

I've learned the statement of "what you're doing is helping you not me, if you'd like to help me please listen to my words and let me have my space until I'm ready to revisit this conversation. If you choose to continue, you are now responsible for whatever my response is. Please choose to do what's right for my needs and respect my space in this moment." sternly. and then don't hold back with your response if they won't leave. You gave a warning.

[@eclaire1748]

@@aftersexhighfives I think the ppl I live with enjoy making my meltdowns worse. They laugh and me, yell at me, look at me like im crazy and roll their eyes, get aggressive or ignore me and leave, try to record me, or purposefully get in the way of my flailing legs and the say I was kicking them even though they were nowhere near me when I started

[@aftersexhighfives]

@@eclaire1748 all of that is mental abuse none of it is okay please move or call CPS on those people.

[@nysaea]

That bit if info also blows my mind... some kids can CONTROL this shit??? what??? I'm almost 40 and I never knew people were actually believing what they said about me doing it on purpose... I always thought it was some kind of cruel method to give me perspective on the relative seriousness of the situation...

[@EvenTheEevee]

@@aftersexhighfives I said that for the first time when I had my last meltdown, and it worked? Like it could have been better, but they left me alone after I screamed it twice at them and that's a huge difference to before. Thank you for the advice and help

[@andreagriffiths3512]

The words being stuck! I’m so glad it’s not just me. People don’t get that the words get stuck in your voicebox and it’s so hard forcing them out, if in fact you can get them out.

[@jennytaylor3409]

Awe, beautiful Olivia, thank you so much! You have truly blessed my life and my daughters life by sharing these things about yourself.

[@JulieSoleilBou]

Thank you so much for your videos! This issue is so rarely mentionned, and you described it so well. As a mom, I had to deal with those "crises" (that's how I called them) and I never knew what to do (and I may add, I sometimes did everything wrong to "help"). And it is only when my girl got her possible diagnose that we started to figure things out. My daughter has triggers, like a day not going as planned, food, money and there is a sort of mindshift just before the meltdown. Her attitude changes drastically. We feel it. And she can prevent or diminish the intensity of the meltdown when she takes consciensnous that "there's something wrong". So, for her, there is a possibility to untrigger the thing, but it's not always easy.

[@thepicklegambit]

Thank you so much for posting this raw and honest video! I’m also an autistic female (I’m 28 and only realised I’m on the spectrum a year ago) and definitely truly relate to how meltdowns and shutdowns affect us as autistic women. Again, thanks so much!

[@RailinX]

Schedule USPS pickup from your front door! As a fellow online seller, they have been my lifesaver. I even befriended my mail carrier and I can just text her to let her know how many bins of packages I need picked up. Love your videos. Adorable personality :)

[@virglibrsaglove]

Looking back I can see that I've had meltdowns at every single job I've had outside the home. I think I still have them now even though I am rarely around other people anymore. I think I mostly internalize them now.

[@kellypoirot4388]

My 22 year old was just diagnosed with ASD & PTSD. The mother guilt is overwhelming, especially because I was a special education teacher.

[@AlexisTwoLastNames]

idk you or your child but it is okay. if you were a good parent, not seeing signs of autism doesn't mean you failed. you'll know the truth in your heart

[@rubycubez1103]

God Bless you for making this video. I'm 41 recently diagnosed. I feel like I just had a meltdown a few min ago based on what my mom said to me last night. I was explaining to her how I feel like my brain isn't working and her response was "you've been doing fine all these yrs. You're just going through a rough patch. Everyone suffers". When she said this I froze and couldn't articulate all of my emotions. I woke up ruminating to the point of melting down. I noticed how my body was rocking. I couldn't stop crying. I called her to tell her how what she said made me feel. I needed it to get out my body. I felt like a child talking to her. I was sobbing and repeating myself. She said I should have told her in plain English how I felt even though she took me to my first psych at 17 for my "moodiness". She told me she would call me back because she had to do dishes. I'm pretty sure she's a narcissist but couple that was my autism, our relationship is an emotional mess. Sorry about the long reply. I just needed to post somewhere where I know other women would understand. Please feel free to share all of your experiences. Autism in women can make us feel so isolated and different.

[@bogeyworman6102]

I'm being assessed for asd next month and finding lots of information on things that I experience and this video made my jaw drop! I was diagnosed with panic disorder and ddnos in highschool but the way you describe meltdowns is exactly what it's like. It happened once when I was at an appointment at a hospital and the only things I could say verbally were "no" and "home" so was hospitalised involuntarily. Some things hurt looking back, but I'm so grateful to you for making this vid!

[@juliedepaolo9971]

Olivia, thank you, thank you for posting this video! I've subscribed. My granddaughter had a very rough start to life and she is now 8 years old and doing much better... especially since we understand more now. I experienced many meltdowns with her. They were extremely intense and draining..and yes, finally learned she had to "work through them" on her own. She also feels SO badly afterward her meltdowns and draws me "I'm sorry pictures." You describe the "triggers" well! The good thing is, the meltdowns have stopped. Haven't seen one in over a year. No..she doesn't like to be touched or hugged. It's been a journey. Your videos are great. P.S. I believe my mother was also autistic and misdiagnosed her whole life.

[@topothegreat]

Thank you so much for this video! We just started asking ourselves if our 14-year old daughter might be autistic. These meltdowns have been a big part of her life and they’re exactly like you described. I’m going to send this to my husband! What a revelation!

[@katiewilliams3434]

Yes! Thank you for talking about this. I went so long without realizing this was due to Autism and always greatly affected relationships. They would always get angry and think I was giving them the silent treatment. The more they made me feel guilty, the worse it was. I really only have one trigger and that's when people are upset or angry with me. If I have way too much to do at the same time and feel really stressed it can happen. I've definitely had days where I question why I am the way I am.

[@KateAmon]

Meltdowns sounds a bit similar to seizures - loss of control, and the exhaustion afterward.

[@elisasaurrr]

I felt that so strongly, thank you for sharing! it's so tough trying to tell my husband what I need when thinking about my needs makes me more anxious! We don't talk about the aftermath enough and that's so refreshing to hear; the meltdown is almost an out of body experience for me, but the fact that I'm 30 and crying because I was too tired to go get groceries [and now there's no food and I suddenly remembered I haven't eaten in 15 hours and food now the idea of food repulses me but my brain has checked out until it gets calories] is so hard to explain to my own brain.

[@romycullen17]

I'm pretty sure I'm on the spectrum. I was diagnosed with ADHD years ago after my psychiatrist told me that maybe I did have it (she'd said I didn't for ages), went see a specialist which I had to pay, got assessed for ADHD and got my diagnosis. Now I've been telling my psychiatrist I'm pretty sure I'm on the spectrum and she's always said if I were I wouldn't have finished school or wouldn't be "smart" which I now know is freaking ableist. Seeing you have a meltdown has only solidified my belief that I AM most definitely on the spectrum, that's exactly what my "panic attacks" look like, just totally overwhelmed, non-verbal and crying. Thank you for showing such a vulnerable side of you. PS: I also have a diagnosis of GAD and OCD tendencies which make so much more sense under the umbrella of ASD.

[@JaNa-bq2dj]

I'm really blown away by this. I have been diagnosed with Adhd and BPD as an adult, but both don't really explain my problems with over-stimulation. I can't even live a normal life due to this cause I can't be around loud places, after spending only a few minutes with too many people I need to head home. There are days where I can only leave the house with my sunglasses and masj on AND in- and out of ear headphones at the same time. I also experience this mind overflow that you describe. When there are just too many thoughts and emotions and sensations happening at the same time. My brain cant deal with it. For me meltdowns would just feel like lying in bed, not even having the energy to open my eyes, getting super depressed.... maybe thats already the aftermath, i don't know. But the days after are usually horrible and i just want to feel normal again. I've been trying to tell this to a lof ot professionals but they always tell me I can't be autistic because I can read and show emotion..... should i keep digging?

[@VeronicaStorm98]

It's nice to see people talking about meltdowns and how brutal they are. I'm an Aspie, and my dad literally cannot tell the difference between a meltdown, a temper tantrum, and an outburst. Every time I get really negative emotions and react to them in anger or by crying, he thinks I'm having an outburst and yells at me for it. His idea of preventing me from having meltdowns in high school was to burn one of my dolls every time I 'had an outburst'. As I am a doll collector, and dolls are a big special interst of mine, this made me supress my emotions and extremely paranoid of expressing them in any way. It was scary having to think of which of my dolls would be potential 'sacrifices' and being forced to watch them burn while he got annoyed at me for crying over it. He still constantly tells me to 'act normal' and that 'fitting in is the only way to succeed in life'. I have also wondered what my purpose in life is and why I was born the way I was to the point of becoming existential and depressed. Thankfully, I was made aware of my diagnosis in 7th grade, so my self image is not completely warped and I know that there isn't something wrong with me. And my mom and the rest of my family are more emotionally supportive and understanding of my differences. It's just sad that my dad mostly values me for my high academic intelligence and hates it when I don't constantly mask my Aspie behaviors.

[@tarraanntulla9260]

I'm sorry you went through that with the dolls and your dad. Seriously traumatic, because people on the spectrum really love the things they are interested in. I had a similar incident, I know how earth shattering it is.

[@mistressliz3891]

im so sorry about your dolls that is so terrible. my mom used throwing away my possessions as a punishment, too... it still makes me feel like nothing i own is safe. your dad sounds like a narcissist... like he only cares about you acting "normal" so it will reflect well on him.

[@veronicawilson7594]

Burning a child's possessions as punishment for expressing emotions is horrific abuse. Jail for your father

[@VeronicaStorm98]

He had alcohol issues. But I feel that he felt it was the only punishment that affected me and seemed to work. He realized it was wrong, apologized after getting help, and I forgive him for all of it. It can take a lot of compassion and understanding to be completely accepting of Neurodiverse people without getting annoyed at their slight social differences. And when someone is not in their right mind, they can make terrible decisions. Not everyone will accept Autistic behaviors very well, but people also make mistakes. Humans are simply flawed creatures. I tend to try to accept and forgive people rather than holding a grudge because focusing on the negative of the world too much can be depressing.

[@erinmcdonald7781]

@@VeronicaStorm98 You have amazing maturity and compassion to be able to forgive something which was obviously so painful. I wish you the best. Much respect.

[@kristiehazel2494]

Recently have realized I am autistic. I am going for official diagnosis in a few weeks. I’m 47 years old, and for the first time in my life so much makes sense. There really are no words I can find to describe that feeling , of understanding my life and my experiences and reactions to events. Thank you for contributing to this . I have masked since I can remember. I was in a household of screamers and alcoholics. Not saying that for sympathy, it’s what made me internalize all my “symptoms” . So now I’m waking up to all that I have held in daily for all these years. Thank you, I’m starting to feel freer.

[@sum414everuakn]

I rarely have meltdowns, I tend to have more shutdowns I think. Usually it's emotional triggers or when I get so frustrated because either people (mostly my parents) don't respect my boundaries or they don't get why I need things a certain way...

[@viviennejohnston1046]

I get like that too. Cannot believe people won't respect boundaries, especially if told over n over. 😕

[@ragdollrose2687]

I've been in a deep dive about autism and neurodiversity in the past month. The more I look into it, the more things that I've experienced make sense. I haven't been diagnosed because I was ''too good'' at a lot of things for anybody to worry about me but I've been struggling in silence all my life. I just was fortunate enough to be passionate about psychology and self-help to go get help myself when I was old enough to face it. I think I've been having meltdowns all my life, but I just thought I was very intense and sensitive to stuff that wouldn't bother people as much. I've also noticed that I'm way more prone to it a week or so before my periods. Pretty much all my ND traits are turned way up around my periods and that's usually how I know it's coming 😅 I stim a lot more, I have what I thought was panic attacks (now it sounds like it's actually meltdowns) and everything is overwhelming. I'm curious to know if other AFAB people see a difference around their periods too! I'm happy to have found this video, I understand a bit more what's going on with me 🙃

[@melanie8110]

I'm an author doing research for an autistic character and this was extremely helpful, thank you so much for sharing your experiences

[@viviancovington7813]

Wow, I like the square breathing method. Going to try it. When I am overwhelmed (I’m Autistic as well) sometimes I like a soft material (pillow, stuffed animal, fabric, etc.) as a soothing counterpart to the hyperstimulation. Great job. Well stated.

[@jessicajansson1203]

You explain very well! One of my strategies to cope with changed plans is to always say that we will preliminary meet for coffee there on Thursday next week at about 2 pm. Then we get in touch again the day before and check that it still seems to work for both of us. Then we text each other when we go from home to let each other know if we are on time or a bit late.

[@MsBeemer1]

Hi Olivia, I was dx at 49! Masked all my life but with age and the trials that go with it, exhaustion is always near. My meltdowns are similar to yours: stress triggered and crying uncontrollably. I have to bottle it up for various reasons and then let go when I can be alone or at least in a safe place.

[@katajha831]

I absolutely love your channel. I just came across it. So helpful. I am almost 58 years old had no idea I was on the spectrum until I was 45. Everything you say resonates. Made my husband of 25 years laugh when you talked about the furniture. Most of my meltdowns come when I am trying to do something micro, like screws or what not. I was adopted by older people mom was 54 dad was 60. both born before 1910. To say they did not understand my meltdowns is an understatement. Luckily they were never cruel, and as an only child of older people they had the time and patience to at least try to deal with it.

[@klunde1099]

omg, I'm SO happy to see you're back on youtube, and most of all that you're okay. I stumbled upon your video a few days ago, and thought to my self "these are two of the best autism relatet videos I've have ever seen" (I am also on the spektrum)

[@OliviaHops]

Wow, thank you so much for the high compliment! You made my day! And thank you for checking on me and wanting to make sure I was okay. That is so very kind of you.

[@MomentsAre]

Thank you so much for your candour in your description of what you experience as a meltdown. The way my meltdowns manifest is so similar to mine. Thanks for the validation. Much love and blessings to you.

[@janayegilmore]

Thank you for this video! I’ve recently come to realize my 13 yr old daughter and I both may be on the spectrum and this sounds exactly like both of us! My MIL use to judge my parenting when my daughter had meltdowns as a toddler. All I could do is let her be. My MIL thought she needed to be spanked for continuing to cry and scream. I had to show her a few meltdowns to see that it didn’t matter what I did it wouldn’t change the situation. We never knew why though. A few years ago my daughter started to have really odd “episodes” we called them but the way she explained it sounds exactly like you did...out of body, uncontrollable & trapped. I caught part of one on video finally but I didn’t know what to do as far as seeing a dr bc it’s not easy to explain and at that time I wasn’t sure what the heck it was. Anyway, thank you! This makes me feel even more confident that we could be on the spectrum.

[@CyraGetsFit]

Thank you for coming back to your channel. I found you a few weeks ago. I am going to be formally assessed for Autism at the end of May, and I am kind of excited. I have felt like a weird alien all my life, like I didn't really fit here. I can remember times when I was younger where I just had to go away from people or stressful situations and just be alone, difficulty breathing and crying. But your meltdown with the deep swallows, that is something I do too when I get super overwhelmed. I can remember getting so stressed out that I would pace and shake and wring my hands repeatedly. From you to Princess Aspien to Neurodivergent me and several others, I am so incredibly thankful that you guys are here sharing your experiences. I would continue to be lost without you guys.

[@MadameSomnambule]

I've honestly been wondering if I've experienced meltdowns or not, whenever I was scolded, yelled at, or punished, I'd cry and it'd take HOURS for me to stop. But your experience of a melt down is pretty close to my experience being told off by my boss at a dollar store for "yelling" at customers and coworkers when in reality, I don't mean to yell or sound angry or mean (that experience also lead to me masking by channeling the chipper behavior of Isabelle from Animal Crossing on that job). And explaining myself only made her more upset at me and I was so frustrated and confused, I ugly cried on the way home. Thank god that happened at the end of my shift then. I also had similar moments in a previous job where I was told off by someone who didn't understand I wasn't being mean, I got frustrated and confused, then cried hysterically, and the same thing happened after a fight with my stepdad over a minor mistake. Funnily, a couple of my experiences were preceded by feelings of stress and making a high pitched screech before crying, that seems to be a rare thing for me.