Going to School While (Unknowingly) Autistic | AUTISM IN GIRLS

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Hi! I'm Olivia Hops and welcome to another video! In today's video, I talk about my experiences going to school growing up while unknowingly Autistic. I go over my feelings I had towards school, how I suffered from severe burnout in high school, and more.
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[@roben9580]

I am 65, and finally realizing what my "problem" has been, thanks to your sharing of your experience. I am so thankful to you ! I can now leave this earth with a contentment of mind. It has been such a hard life, and I prayed everyday for God to get me OUT OF HERE. I never could communicate with others, they never understand where I am coming from and it's been hell. At least because of you, I can relax a bit and try to go from here. Thank you, you are the BEST. God bless you now and always

[@thiagopatrick5293]

do you know microdosing can be used to help people with autism?? Research has shown that there's a very good case that psilocybin can treat the psychology of addiction, not just alleviate the withdrawal symptoms and reduce cravings.” In addition to treating addiction, psilocybin has also shown impressive results in treating depression and death anxiety. Don't forget it also has some spiritual healing benefits to it.

[@rover790]

I am 72 and after watching several KZbin channels on Autism and ADHD, especially in females, I finally now, realise this is why I have always been so different and not fitted in.

[@mcgregor8095]

Best care for Autism with Doctor Isibor Alternative Herbal supplement work perfectly well on my Autistic son 💯 he can now communicate especially with me and sleep's better now ☺️🥰 If interested you can give it a try and contact

[@Haziesmom2023]

Absolutely, roben! I totally relate to you! I'm discovering this at age 71 and in a Nursing Home-- Bahaha!!! Better Late then Never!! :D

[@visionvixxen]

I am so so sorry and I wonder if all of this was easier for you when you were younger. I’m in my 40s and I have to say I’ve struggled so much more than the average person and hit it so well and every day is hell for me now that I can make it through the day but I kind of lost my hope for ever being different and the hardest part is finding your place and having to explain to people and learning Gwen to cast judgment on yourself went to try it’s going to a place where I don’t even really know what’s going on inside of me and I think I used to but I don’t want it to be like this for us I don’t want understand why Sbbh like this for us I’m in pain right now and I’m actually trying hard not to drink because I just drank and then I’m in more pain afterwards yeah

[@patrickgerard2016]

For me it was/is a chronic sense of depersonalization/derealization, a sense of being in a dream, a sense of being what i like to call "a highly sensitive ocean" (like there are no boundaries to your experience, you don't feel like you exist as a separate self), extreme shyness, wanting to either scream/cry or be in this serene quiet state

[@sitathisfeet5797]

Your experience of burnout in high school is making light bulbs go off in my mind. Senior year of high school I was depressed and anxious and gave up on school, where before I was a good student. I think I got burnt out and just never understood until now. Wow. It makes me sad because I didn't understand (of course hindsight is 20/20.)

[@OliviaHops]

I’m so sorry you went through the same thing. I know how much it sucked.

[@sitathisfeet5797]

@@OliviaHops💗 Grateful for your channel.

[@kathryn6092]

School was the most horrific experience of my life. I give you props for making it through because I couldn’t. In grade 8 I was having such extreme meltdowns (that at the time we thought were panic attacks) EVERY morning before I went and ever night the second I came home that I had to stop going to school. I was put in special programs for anxiety that didn’t help, put on medications that didn’t help, and eventually ended up having to finish school at home with tutors. Once I was at home I was fine. I could do my school work, that was never the problem. I got all A’s just like you. But the anxiety I felt going to school was SO EXTREME that I just couldn’t keep going. I also had extreme separation anxiety with my mom. In kindergarten my teacher used to make me sit in the coat closet because my crying was “interrupting” the class because I was so terrified. My mom also picked me up early from school. I remember sitting in that damn closet, crying my eyes out, staring at the door and trying to will my mother to walk through it and take me home to safety. Your videos are helping me so much, our experiences seem almost identical. I am now going to watch all of your videos 🥺

[@A_TEAM-22]

They put you in a closet. I would probably sue them because idk thats just me😂

[@sarahwardle5556]

I do the savouring thing too.I do it with films or the season finale of a series as I don't want it to end and I want to keep having it to look forward to

[@OliviaHops]

OMG the series finale thing!! YES! There are many shows I haven’t finished because I just couldn’t watch 😂

[@meriadocbrandybuck9833]

I still won’t watch the last episode of Peter Capaldi as the Doctor.

[@theoldaccountthatiusedtous6767]

I have some books where I didn't read the last few pages because I wanted to save it for later, then I forgot.

[@OliviaHops]

@@theoldaccountthatiusedtous6767 OMGGGG I did this once as a kid!! It was a 4 book series and I wanted to savor the last one and then 15 years goes by and I, of course, forget everything. I kid you not I actually just reread them all and finally finished last year!

[@BillieGote]

Sometimes with an especially great series I've been caught in a binge fest because each episode ends with a better cliffhanger. So I keep saying one more, until I fall over asleep. Then I'll still go back and rewatch the episodes where I was getting sleepy, astounded at how much I didn't pick up on. Sometimes I rewatch three or four times, if I think about the series again and suddenly can't remember how it ended. Gradually working my way into delayed gratification where I go to bed closer to when I should, and save the next episode for when I'm more fully awake. I clearly need to get out more.🤦‍♀️

[@TheEnthusiasticHobo]

I know the “savouring the cookie” part at the beginning was unrelated to the rest of the video but OMG if that isn’t me. I always think “I need to save this until I REALLY want it/need it but then when I do want or need it I can never convince myself that I want it or need it badly enough so then whatever it is just sits there or goes bad or gets lost. The struggle 😅

[@OliviaHops]

Ahh yes!!! Exactly!! So glad I’m not alone 🤣

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

Yeah, I had a meltdown at work because it seems like things never stop changing! I kept improving, going faster, getting a lot more done in a shorter workday. And then I found out that the owners didn't like how I would have to work a full eight hours when I had to run a buffet all by myself, wash all of the pans and dishes by hand, clean the dining room and floors; prepare food for the next day, plus a literal cleaning list that I had to get done everyday, cleaning different areas of the hotel. This entire situation concerns me, because I really had to figure out how I could possibly ho faster when I am almost constantly moving at a fast speed. I am at the point in my life where I no longer care to wear a mask, and only do so when I am required. Otherwise I am tired . . . I am burned out, sick and tired of expectations. I have love, and that's all that people should care about. And I swear I will never get another food-related job again if this doesn't work out. Because people at work who don't do your job often think that's is easy, and they therefore pile more work onto you. I was first getting trained to become a housekeeper there, because I wanted a job unrelated to food production; a job where you would have the same number of tasks everyday, where you got about 30 minutes to clean each room (with noone adding tasks to your list). I have just about had it, and hope to work at a job one day where I just have one job to do, and not have to be a part-time janitor.

[@elthgar]

Sounds like they were taking advantage of you :(

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

@@elthgar Yeah, I think a lot of places do that. Especially if the business owners have never worked a day in the kitchen to see how long it actually takes. But one helpful thing that happened was when the manager had to go work in there on my day off, because the new girl didn't show up. She kept telling me that I needed to have everything done (including another cleaning list) in 7 hours. Well, she took 9 hours that day and said that she was completely exhausted! She showed me a lot of empathy that day, and said that it was okay if I couldn't finish the whole list. But having integrity, I did it anyways 💗.

[@roben9580]

I am going thru the same thing. I also believe that everyone that works does as well, especially in fast food. The owners of every business are from India or China these days in Washington anyway. They hate Americans and they don't care about America or it's people in general, I have found. They only care about money. Their properties are a eye soar, and they abuse American employees. This is my EXPERIENCE. If you have a different one, good. They own everything related to middle class people. Motels, gas stations, rental properties, fast food chains, etc. So the only way to address this is to not go to their businesses and don't support their agenda. We are in the same boat called it is not America anymore and it's very hard to negotiate the terrain anymore. Let's all pray for freedom from this tyranny.

[@visionvixxen]

I work as a hairstylist and somehow being busy w doing the hair makes being w clients tolerable and occasionally enjoyable.. I think I’m extroverted autistic- which is weird if it makes sense- and ADD--I get energy from people, but my brain gets drained dealing with them and after a brief window, I can burn out and lose energy. When you couple interactions like a crazy client with complicated procedures and many explanations, my brain freezes, I eventually burn out fast and feel like I’m losing my mind. There are so many ways we need to balance and control our lives and wish we didn’t, but we do or all hell breaks loose-- it not without, then within- without minds or bodies.

[@jennyh6703]

@@roben9580 Yes! You are absolutely correct!!! I live in Ontario Canada and its the exact same here. Almost every business owner now a days is either from India or China. They are all about money, (our money) and they treat us like complete garbage! I'm not racist at all I'm just being honest. I know not everyone from India and China are like that.

[@dianathomas2674]

I still get flashbacks from the noice and smell. And mortal boredom. Sitting there. Counting looong seconds. For 13 years. I think parts of me mummified.

[@TheKjoy85]

My mom and I have talked about this a lot over the last 6 months or so. Elementary school wasn't too bad for me, it depended on my teacher, but having the same environment and classmates all day every day gave me the stability I needed to cope. Middle school was a struggle, changing classrooms and classmates every period and more sensory chaos. High school was hell. My high school had 3000 students and I had physical limitations that made certain classes difficult. I dropped out just after I turned 20 and got my G.E.D. with ridiculously high scores. Undiagnosed Autism plus selective mutism equalled educational hell for me. I didn't start learning about autism until I was in my 20s and only had it confirmed last summer. When you mentioned The Grinch, I thought of the original cartoon and when he complained about all the noise Noise NOISE! That is still a major issue for me.

[@Dancestar1981]

The more expectations on you the less ability to cope with societal pressure because your brain wiring and executive functions don’t allow it. We are different not defective but we deserve to be treated with respect and understanding and have people accept our personal boundaries

[@Dancestar1981]

I’m 41 now and I want to change society so no Neurodiverse individual will ever go through the horrible negative experiences I did as a child and a young adult

[@saracarlson-kringle]

School...was always the outsider in Kindergarten and 1st grade Then we moved and I went to a two-room elementary school and thrived - I could do my lessons while listening in on the other grade's lessons, so I picked up a lot of info that way and was doing Jr. College entry level work in 7th grade. Then came high school. Talk about a soul-sucking experience. It got so bad I made arrangements with the teachers to show up for the head-count at the beginning of class, get my lessons, then go to the library to do the work - which I would knock out in a few minutes and then go take myself for a walk around town or to Main Street to the grocery store which carried my favorite author and candy bar which became a once-a-month 'thing'. I didn't go to my graduation or the prom. I'm 59 and don't go to high school class reunions, either. I did two years of college: one year in a junior college for the basic 'pay your dues with the ho-hum stuff' where upon I failed 'Creative Writing' because I was actually creative...I didn't take it for sentence structures because the class was falsely advertised as 'creative' so I failed that one; and the other city college in another part of the state for landscaping - which I was told by a doctor to stop the physical part of it if I didn't want to end up crippled in a wheelchair from spinal issues...but that wasn't the cherry on top. I had an instructor fail me for insisting that Scandinavia had a formal garden design as sure as Japan/China, England, Mediterranean, etc. did. And I proved it in my drafting designs. In the end, I just had to get away from those duds with zero vision. I probably would have been better at homesteading, talking with a bunch of people actually doing it for real. I haven't been properly diagnosed yet, I'm looking for a counselor that goes beyond alcoholism and drug abuse. [I've done some heavy time with narcissists, too - parents and religion - so I hope to find someone who can address both things]

[@amandacrawley9123]

I’m homeschooling my 2nd grade girl. She hates school. Even home school. She tolerates it but we tried K in public school before we knew she was autistic and it was a disaster. She’s still traumatized over the 3 weeks she went. This video is really good. Thank you for sharing.

[@AWSNATION]

3 weeks made her traumatized? Starting to think autism is the spoiled brat syndrome.

[@mollykins8h]

Damn... I think kindergarten traumatized me

[@MonicaMolinar]

If you’re attempting to recreate a school type of model at home, that could be one reason why your daughter hates homeschooling as much as she did public school. You may find that the Unschooling approach is more well-suited to the needs of your family. It worked will for mine.

[@yolandapedraza115]

Me being autistic and in school, I hated my classmates with a passion.. especially the class clowns and the people who talked way too much/were way too loud. There were only like 1 or 2 people that I actually liked. When it came to my actual studies though, I can relate so much to the notes part of what you said. It took me such a long time to figure it out though. Throughout most of my school years, I used to copy exactly what was on the PowerPoint because I couldn't take notes off what was said. Either I paid attention or I took notes. So the solution to that was not having to think about what to write and just copy the PowerPoint down in my notebooks. Well.... Eventually, I realized that even though I was killing myself rushing to take the notes before the slide changed, that I actually never went back and looked at them. I wrote them down and that was that. I didn't study, I didn't read over my notes, etc. And I still got straight A's. In 11th grade, I stopped taking notes entirely because I wasn't going over them anyways so what was the point? Well. My grades were still straight A's. Once I entered college, I was the same way. I didn't take notes, just paid attention and got the A. And then I started getting bored in class... I started taking out my phone and playing games, etc....... And I /still/ got all A's. Turns out that I didn't even have to pay attention in class to get the A. The only reason I went to class was because the professors took attendance, but yeah. There were only like 5 classes total in college that I actually had to study for. I don't know what goes on in my brain, but yeah. I did less than the bare minimum and got the A either way. So I'm going for my masters as soon as I have the money to pay for it and I don't think I'll have to try then either. And if that's the case, why not go all the way to PhD???

[@sam-np4ol]

0:57 Yep I get this too. When I was a toddler in Sunday school they gave us a snack consisting of ritz crackers, cheese, and a thin mint. I wanted to save the thin mint for the perfect moment, so I ate everything else and left it on my plate. The kid to my left sNoRkEd down his food with the quickness and began eyeing my cookie. He complained and got an adult to take my cookie and slide it over onto his plate. Neither of them had even a moments hesitation to ask me first. I might have left that cookie there the entire hour and never felt like it was quite the right moment to eat it. It's all so tiresome... So bothersome...

[@bethaniej]

Thanks Olivia! My 10yo daughter was diagnosed 6 months ago. She struggles with school. She has separation anxiety and doesn’t cope well with other kids who ‘don’t follow the rules’ (aka the boys lol). She goes to a small Christian school which has been fantastic, but it’s taken her several years to really settle in. She stayed there in 2nd grade and it’s now in 5th. She likes school and is very intelligent, but it is so hard on her. Fortunately she has a small group of friends - half of whom are also on the spectrum, and her teacher allows her to have fidgets in the classroom. Her teachers all tell me she’s perfect at school, excellent student, well behaved etc. but gets in the car to go home and fully melts down. It sure isn’t easy! But we will get there!!!!

[@meriadocbrandybuck9833]

This sounds familiar. I’m a gal & I’m about 6 months- a year older than you. No clue I was autistic until adulthood. I grew up with uniforms in a tiny Catholic school, K-8, 24 kids max. I went there through 7th grade. (Loved uniforms for the record.) There were 7 kids in my classroom (2 grades) in Kindergarten & 1st & I was still totally overwhelmed. I literally spent all of recess dissecting a wooden sandwich into its components over and over in kindergarten & half of first grade. Couldn’t eat sandwiches bc the foods touched & texture with hotdogs was a nightmare for me so I never ate hot lunch. One of my major special interests was animals, & I remember a massive 2 week argument with my 2nd grade teacher that homing pigeons did INDEED exist. I memorized every horse breed in 3rd grade & read the Lord of the Rings. I had a severe bullying that year including from teachers and really only had 2 close friends. One of these friends is lifelong, I met her in 2nd grade bc she was drawing horses. I asked “do you want to see what a big horned sheep does?” She said yes so I head butted her in the chest & knocked her out. She got up and said “you’re weird, we should be friends,” and that’s how we became friends. I used to tell her animal facts while she sketched. She never made me make it hold eye contact either which is super great. I appreciate it even now. Back to 3rd grade hell: the teachers who were bullies cut my grade for no reason other than disliking me, even though I had the same answers as other classmates with As. Basically decided not to waste my time trying at that point. I also got in a ton of trouble for lining up my erasers over and over in math trying to calm down bc it was too loud. (I was the 5th kid in that classroom.) I got in trouble for “hiding in the bathroom” all the time that year, which was really me mostly trying to deal with indigestion & panic. I was suicidal from that point on through the end of high school. Used to have huge meltdowns at the end of every day over homework. I remember bawling uncontrollably to my mom a lot that I just couldn’t do it & rocking back in forth in the chair at the counter. (I actually noticed this in a child I nannied with autism & just told him “yeah, you’re right, this IS actually stupid when you already know it” & I had a talk with his mom & teacher which eventually resulted in him being pulled, homeschooled by me for a bit & then in a gifted specialized school. 4th-7th I had a great teacher who was clever & experienced. Finally picked up I was dyslexic and spent a lot of time with me 1-1 explaining things in greater detail (like what a summary is for a book report.) I really loved her. I think she really saved me. In 8th grade my parents switched us to the local public school. Spent a month crying about the change. I guess 8th grade was ok. I had a lot of meltdowns over what to wear & really didn’t know how to handle that. I didn’t make any real friends until the last 2 weeks of school when I found a girl with another special interest like mine. Always faked sleeping on the bus so I didn’t have to talk to most people. Guys trying to date me confused me & I disliked that they tried. High school was hell. I got in a lot of trouble with teachers who didn’t understand me and my sensitivities to light and sound got worse to the point I was hospitalized for migraines for 40% of those grades. Eventually I got permission to go to quiet dark places with migraines and used to sit in the empty dark auditorium rocking back and forth to calm down. (I was supposed to go straight to the nurse but couldn’t manage that without calming down first.) Other students sent me death threats freshman year, I spent the rest of high school from month 4 waiting for someone to try to make good on the threats. Eventually just decided most people were awful and not worth getting to know. Isolated more, completed things & have avoided almost everyone from high school ever since. I did get pretty good grades considering I missed 40% & I got a perfect score in AP US History (another special interest.) I feel like schools really aren’t designed for autistic kids & most do more harm than good especially the larger ones. It’s why I enjoyed working for a homeschool co-op with mostly autistic students in tiny classes: I could tailor things to help them like I needed back in the day.

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

I don't think I could handle 4 days of counseling per week; that's a lot of socializing!

[@nu.bee13]

as u said, i also hated every second of school. high school was my darkest period, i developed severe depression and social anxiety from it. with a lot of meltdowns i still managed to get out of there w good grades and even though deep down i knew that i would never be able to get through university since i sensed that high school was my limit, i still went for it since that's what everyone does and expects from u. it was extremely difficult for me also bc it became more noticeable than before my adhd. im still on my first year of uni but i decided to quit to finish my autism diagnosis, start the adhd diagnosis, get therapy, meds and then start an online professional course to become a vet tech. i will be able to study at my own rythm, comfortably and in the way my brain learns better. this year has been a demonstration for me that what society may see as failures, come from a system that is not built for me. is like demanding a penguin to fly bc that's what a standard bird does, not caring about its needs or the fact that if given the right environment they live at their own capabilities

[@ashleysjourney110]

I hated school because it was too hard but I didn’t know why it was so hard and everyone else seemed to have no problem. This mixed with perfectionism was not a good combo. I read above my grade level always. Like you I never participated in class and was labeled as “shy”.

[@smjmommy1268]

My daughter has not been assessed but I 100% see all of these things in her. I’m having a horrible time getting doc to take it seriously. She HATES school too. HATES it. I feel lost. I would LOVE to see a interview with your mom to see how she handled things to help you as a child. Thank you for making these videos. Unfortunately I’m not in a position financially to send her to private school. I’m trying to figure out how to best help her navigate this to help her finish. She is currently a freshman.

[@Dancestar1981]

Ask for a referral to a clinical psychologist who specialises in women with ASD and book an assessment privately. And if the dr you normally see want refer you find one that will. Best of luck

[@SueCherry]

I don't know if this may help but maybe a quiet place/classroom to go to during schoolbreaks might give some relief? When I was in middle school there was a more quiet place for kids that preffered a bit more silence where I could go to, it took away some stress during breaktime (less noises, no worrying where to go to during breaks, etc) :)

[@aliciaholmes9490]

Great topic. There are so many parallels I draw from listening to you, thinking about my own experience in hindsight. My generation had even less understanding of Autism spectrum, and for the most part no sort of alternative options for kids. I am probably the same age as your Mom, for reference. It's wonderful that there are resources today, everything from the internet itself to have access to learning and information, to therapies, to alternative education, and so on. I am happy that you were able to have such a supportive environment and be able to navigate your way through adolescence. Thanks for posting on this today.

[@buttercxpdraws8101]

Same. I think I would have had a much better chance at a successful life had I been Olivia’s generation. It’s great that it’s getting better.

[@visionvixxen]

Same here!

[@navigatingthespectrum1513]

Thank you for sharing this. My nine-year-old daughter is on the spectrum and she is having some of the same issues that you went through with school. She’s very bright and absolutely hates school.

[@meriadocbrandybuck9833]

I am an autistic lady. Taught last year at a homeschool co-op with a classroom of 6 that was half autistic. Really let me tailor things to what worked for the kids I had. Because I had an awful experience with school I pretty much taught almost everything through playing based activities bc I remember facts better when they have a story with them. Homework was something I tried to avoid as much as possible bc I remember my own meltdowns just trying to handle that at the end of days after exhaustion hit me. Does this effect your daughter too? Is sleeping tough for her as well?

[@katereinert3040]

I always “hated” school, but I love learning. Took me almost 26 years to work that one out.

[@JPaterson8942]

I hated school so much... But I loved the idea of school and learning. Actually being there was horrible. I've wondered if I'm a little autistic (online tests say no), but I always had such horrible social anxiety and anxiety in general. I still want to get a bachelor's in something, but it's a miracle I was never asked not to come back. I either get a perfect A or pretty much drop out of a class because I can't stand going back and my GPA has suffered for it. A whopping 1.7 with almost four years worth of credits (but not enough for any specific degree). I finally have a job where I'm alone in an office all day. It's great. I can do what I need to, chill when I need to, and sometimes have mental energy to spare when I go home.

[@trinaq]

Thanks for this informative video, Olivia. In my opinion, the earlier a child gets tested for Austim, the better, since early intervention could help them to settle in more, and to enable them to socialise with their peers.

[@OliviaHops]

10000% agree. That is my main goal with creating these videos.

[@Dancestar1981]

Drama classes the ultimate lessons in social interaction an absolute game changer and essential for all autistics

[@visionvixxen]

Yes definitely and also if they don’t get confused and traumatize especially if they’re high functioning about why so many things didn’t work out in their lives and trying to understand themselves and explain to others and then worry about moral judgments and knowing when to push past their limits. I tell you I was a lot better when I was younger and just now, in my life for these I am starting to wonder if this also is a big part of what’s going on with me but things have gotten so bad that there’s a lot I will never go back to you until I really figured out what went on with me and stop trying to do the same things just because I’m high functioning and figure out how to be healthy and be me without having to explain everything to a world that doesn’t understand At least if it’s real and there’s a Diagnosis you may stop trying to gaslight yourself and drive yourself crazy wondering what’s going on with you and what you should do and that’s worth looking into their lifetime of trying so hard and no one believing you

[@visionvixxen]

@@Dancestar1981 You couldn’t say it more I didn’t know that I might be this and I’m only now looking into it, but 20 years ago after college I force myself to take drama and downs and psychology and actually the drama really helped me become a human being and try to figure out what it is to be other people and feel feelings

[@JaneSmith0709]

This video seemed short to me; I could have listened to you go on for another hour about this. I always wondered why I struggled so much to fit in in school; I always thought there was something inherently wrong with me. Also, I could never ever finish anything. The socializing, homework, after-school activities, and then living as a foster kid in various homes and having to pretend to fit in with their dynamic, I was absolutely exhausted all the time. I missed a lot of school and a lot of work once I started working. I just felt like a failure at life. I only recently self-diagnosed myself as autistic and suddenly EVERYTHING made sense! It was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Now I'm working on learning as much as I can about being autistic and how to care for myself so that I don't burn out. Because I'm not officially diagnosed, your videos are very valuable to me, because when I hear you talk about things, I relate to nearly all of it and it validates my self-diagnosis. When I read about autism it doesn't explain it or give the same experiences are you explain on your channel. I think female autistics are very misunderstood. Anway, thanks for another interesting and insightful video.

[@insightbytes2136]

They used to put me in a dark closet in kindergarten...I guess because I didn't like being there.

[@Dancestar1981]

That’s abuse how awful

[@elizabethbennet4791]

to be honest the hardest part- one of the few hardest- of my entire half a century of life on this planet, was the severe, endless and tortuous confounding bewilderment I experienced at the massive yawning chasm of a disconnect between my fucking love of and success at learning and blazing hatred I had of school itself.

[@thelaxanddarshow4116]

I cried from kindergarten until I graduated college at 30!! The most awful experience of my life!! I LOVE your videos. Thank you so much.❤

[@Dancestar1981]

This was me growing up I didn’t get my diagnosis until age 23. There was no rule book and I had to wing it with zero support

[@gzoechi]

I feel the same about school. Perhaps it's autistic kids who do all the school shootings in the US (ok, bad joke). I hated how teachers kept repeating the same topics over and over and over and over and over .... Teachers kept picking on me for not paying attention and I hated being the focus of the attention. I was dying of boredom but was in constant fear of getting into the focus of attention again. I hated that I never knew what they expected of me or what I was supposed to do. When I got out of class I tried to put everything related to school as far behind me as possible. So I never had homework done and I never was prepared for exams. This ensured that the next school day was damned before it even started. Elder kids always bullied me while waiting for the school bus. I had no friends and I didn't really want some or at least not more than one. There where a few I was interested talking to, but I was always overwhelmed by what was going on around me, so I mostly tried to shut all out and avoided conversations. Teachers picked on me because I didn't recognize their desire for being recognized as authority. It was mostly the most useless teachers who tried hardest to appear as authority. They were easy to provoke because they were so incompetent. Because I hated them so much I could often not resist asking provocative questions. It was also often just a valve for the boredom and constant anxiety that was working me up at school. But of course the teachers found ways to get back at me. I was basically done with school when in third grade another kid attacked me at launch break in the schoolyard for no obvious reason and he hurt himself doing it (nothing bad, just painful). He went to a teacher and blamed me. The teacher, a women I liked very much as teacher until then, screamed at me in class afterwards for what felt like an eternity, like I had killed a few people. This even happened a second time with the same kid and the same teacher a little later this year. I was 8y old. There were a few teachers who I really liked but the other kids hated them or loved to make fun of them. One was a woman with odd fashion style and a tic who could do math in her head much faster than we could ever do using a calculator. Her lessions were about math, not about making her favorite kids look good, like many other teachers did. Another one was a male math teacher who didn't interact much with us. He told us what chapter in the book we should work on. If we were stuck he explained it to the class (always succinct and easy to understand) then we went back to working on our own. No homework. I went from barely making it in math the year before to one of the 2 best that year, even though I never did more than what was necessary to pass a class. Perhaps there are a few things that ring a bell, but I guess for girls many things are different in school.

[@paulmeier3462]

I realized a couple of years ago that my son (and then my wife) was autistic. He's now 11 years' old and like you hates/hated school. One thing you said at the end of your video motivated me to comment. You said about maybe home-schooling your child if autistic. What I found was that when we had the Covid lockdowns a couple of years ago and the schooling went online, my son loved it, and still laments having to go back to school face-to-face. Also, my wife has always struggled holding down jobs and I could never understand why. She is very competent and well qualified, but really struggles with the social side of work. Anyway, I could go on but I could very much identify with what you were talking about and it helps me to understand my wife and son much better.

[@luckyme98]

I put things off because I want them to turn out the way I see them in my head and I know it will never be that way.

[@yugoslava6409]

Not liking to go to school for no obvious reason is a SIGN that person most probably has an Autisam. I didn't know that many many years ago when I was child. I was also trying my best to be good student, and as a such, always felt secretly embarrassed for HATING SCHOOL. When my good student child never even try to hide her dislike of the school I still didn't know that it is bec

[@jlzombiecat]

I wasn't too bad in school when I was young and stayed with the same class all the time, though I did always float around on the peripheries of groups and only had one really good friend. I spent a lot of time wandering around the little field behind the school picking at then breaking sticks or grass, running around by myself or digging under the playground equipment. I was always multiple grades ahead in reading but couldn't even memorize the multiplication table, I still multiply things by adding them together in pairs. I started having multiple issues with anxiety, depression and failing when I hit middle school and had to deal with different teachers and larger groups of kids. High school was even worse with 3,000 of us and I started failing everything except a couple classes I loved, art and ancient history. Transferred to an "alternative" school (At least half had been in some sort of trouble) of only around 40 of us, started getting almost all A's and B's and learned to function as a human. Of course it also helped that we did all of our work in class and did not have regular homework. I am 37 and only learned to suspect autism about fours years ago. Undiagnosed.

[@InnerAtmos]

Ugh I relate to getting bullied, but not realizing it. -_- It only hits in retrospect.

[@CubanMelanin]

So this is a thing😂 I hated school with a passion didn’t make it pass 10th in a traditional setting I had bullying on top of that and didn’t have the support but did cope well because I internalized EVERYTHING

[@RoguePussycat]

This was so interesting, thank you for sharing. i am undiagnosed so i dont know if im autistic or not maybe im just very anxious, but my school experience was awful too, i had tears on the hour as every time we were set a new task i just did not understand how everyone around me seemed to understand what the expectation was, and i didnt. Like you i tested well and held myself to a perfectionist standard (although As were beyond me, i was a strong B student lol). Im in my mid 30s now and still have nightmares about school and homework, which is such a dumb thing to wake up in a panic about all these years later. I was barely verbal until i was 17 and started speaking a little more so it was difficult to express what i didnt understand even.

[@nigelarmstrong5096]

So much of what you had to say about your experience of school resonated with me. I couldn't absorb information that someone told me, and couldn't relate to the people around me. I couldn't wait to leave school, but when I did, I had a total breakdown. But I had no support, because it was the 1970s, and I don't think anyone had heard of autism or Asperger's, let alone understood it. Thanks for another great, informative video Olivia.

[@mrdee2454]

GRINCH a woman of culture I would of went to a party like that!. I disliked school but loved college as autism

[@elisabethopp1]

Thank you for this video! I’m in eighth grade and may be autistic, so I am excited to watch!

[@unhingedskrunkly8512]

School is hell for alot of neurodivergent people, I absolutely hated school and remember crying in HS because I didnt want to go to college. I tried a two year comm college and still hated it, I've taken a break since then and realize I should have taken a gap year to relax instead of diving head first into school again. Thank you so much for your videos they are truly comforting !

[@Dancestar1981]

I always loved the learning new things part but hated school environment I was bullied all through primary and secondary school and in the workforce. I always went looking for quiet safe spaces and the school wouldn’t keep the library open for me. I spent a lot of time hiding in the toilets from bullies and still couldn’t get away from them

[@unhingedskrunkly8512]

@@Dancestar1981 History and art class were my favorite classes since both are special interests of mine! I'm so sorry people bullied you, I was also teased but more for my hair then for my autistic traits 😂😭

[@Dancestar1981]

@@unhingedskrunkly8512 I think because back in the 80s nobody knew about Autism. I’m hoping things continue to improve

[@fi-train8961]

I love learning and want to be an expert. I hate the classroom environment and can’t concentrate, doing assignments which are boring or hard to understand, I can’t study, constantly fell behind, and was stressed with the socially exhausted as I had to mask so I was too tired. Had meltdowns and shutdowns a lot. I’m very anxious but had I have gone to a smaller school and more supportive I might have done even better. Also family environment was bad and I have constantly too busy. My entire life has been severe burnout, train depression and high levels of anxiety - I have adhd and autism. I’m lucky to be alive.

[@PortCharmers]

I so relate to the "putting off things in order to savour them. It feels like I want to be done with the chores for the time to be right. I don't realize that the time will never be perfect. Chores will finally be done when I'm dead. I don't start hobby projects, I don't read the books I want to read and so on, and I throw a lot of good food away because I waited til it's gone bad. We read the Hobbit at school and I love it. However, I continued to read the Lord of the Rings only after I saw that the movie was coming out soon and realized that there was no way around that movie and I wanted to read the book first.

[@staciebanks7935]

Im 25 and just diagnosed bc my son was this year. I absolutely hated school, didnt finish it. And anyways I was bullied from day one to my last day. It was fucking awful. And Id rather die than go finish school. Thanks for teaching me a lil more about myself. I could never put into words exactly why I hated it. I didnt have friends. So there was no picking cliques. I hung out with teachers bc of my high anxiety. And even the teachers made fun of me. I also sucked at school. Turns out I have the zfr gene which is learning disabilites . Sooo I actually needed special help in school. That I never got. I started self harming and in and out of mental hospitals. My school was just fucking awful. I also have hard of hearing diagnosis. So I was constantly in my own world. hearing aids not option bc chronic ear infections. I also struggle with auditory processing issues.

[@leannestrong1000]

Hi, I had already been diagnosed (I had never had any delay in or loss of verbal communication or cognitive skills) before I started school, back in the late 90s. However, I was not informed of my diagnosis until I was 12, back in the mid 2000s, when my mom and I read a book about autism. After my mom and I read the book, I decided that to take it upon myself to make sure that my teachers knew about my diagnosis. I'm sure this cleared a lot of things up for them, as learning about my diagnosis cleared a lot of things up for me.

[@llillyiy]

Now when you say it like that, I also don't remember much about my college days. I know it was and always will be the worst part of my life. I was extremely depressed in so many ways, ended up on medications, too. I have rheumatoid arthritis so I blamed it for everything (exhaustion, pain, depression..) but recently (for about 6 months 🤣) I listen experiences with undiagnosed autism and it is all starting to make sense... 😅

[@ellabashop224]

My 11 year old just got diagnosed. She loves to learn but hates school. I am homeschooling her next year. I think she will be happier

[@luckyme98]

Love love love the Grinch pants!!! 🤣

[@StefiStarlite]

Wow.. Trans gal here - I just received my formal autism diagnosis last week and sooooo much of what you described nailed it on the head for me. Thank you so much for sharing!

[@MartinZeitler]

There seems to be a relation in between ASD & GID, as both have to do with hormone levels, mis-regulated by the brain. Even as a straight guy, I can somehow relate.

[@Ginger2Rocker]

everything you speak of is so relatable. it applies to both male and female autistic adults. (based on my own experience and from what i've heard from other autistic people)

[@sternentigerkatze]

I so know that wanting to savour something feeling!

[@aliasreco]

I did not have it so bad as you. But surely remember the first days of every year standing in a new line of classmates (change) thinking: " again another year". Kindergarten was some fun and the first big frustration. " Take the tea set to the kitchen" said the teacher. I used my brains and thought: Let's be effective, so I took the plate holding all at once. " No! Only the tea set!" yelled the teacher. I thought: weirdo... Let's teach her a lesson so I took the whole table. Again that was wrong... The biggest reason for hating school was: I was bored. Learning fast I hated hearing the same thing again repeated for other kids. So I started to dream and doing my own things and live in my own world. I still have great problems with the speed of learning. Some tutorials on youtube go so slow I get mad. Other way to fast so I get mad. ( I'm way slower now at 64...) You go fast enough so I'm not bored with your videos... Shalom.

[@meriadocbrandybuck9833]

I also remember that feeling. In kindergarten I got in trouble for having a meltdown and emptying my full pencil shavings on the floor. (Bc my teacher wouldn’t let me get up to put it in the trash can.) Also got in hot water for taking things too literally in “name this animal,” and giving the 🐎 and 🐈 specific names not “horse” and “cat.”

[@aliasreco]

@@meriadocbrandybuck9833 Haha! Right. They ask something and you give an honest answer. Exactly my experience. Ps I can't lie to my wife either. Good for the marriage. Lucky Jesus forgives sins.

[@Dancestar1981]

If you want to speed up KZbin videos tape the three dots in the top right hand corner of your screen until the playback speed menu drops down and select double speed or usually 2x this will playback at your preferred learning speed

[@Dancestar1981]

@@meriadocbrandybuck9833 all because they don’t understand we take things very literally and are also particularly sensitive so bullies target us everywhere

[@Dancestar1981]

@@aliasreco I’ve attempted to tell little white lies to protect people’s feelings but anything else people see right through me

[@insightbytes2136]

Well I went 42yrs undiagnosed...wasn't till recently when I researched and finally saw myself in the traits. I had looked into it before but it was still very male based traits.

[@Dancestar1981]

That’s because original research was only ever done on men, women present differently

[@marcusaurelius49]

I managed to perform very well academically in school all the way up to my postgraduate degree. I suspect it was a combination of my almost photographic recall and the scheduled routine of school and undergrad. However, graduate school was when I first can say I struggled badly. Fast forward 25 years and I am finally learning about executive dysfunction and why I struggle terribly in my work and personal life. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

[@s9ftie]

I am agender (afab) and undiagnosed, but I really relate to this video. I really relate to the “Why do you hate school” When my dad asked me how my day was, I would said I hate it so much. When he would ask why, that question stunned me. I didn’t know what to say or what I hated about it. I just hated it, I don’t know why!! I just do, I can’t stand it, and I’d rather have a bunch of soap go in my eyes than go to college or school. Luckily in most of my classes I don’t get overwhelmed because a lot of kids ditch, one time in 6th grade we had a class of 5 students and I was okay with it. And I had a whole breakdown when we got switched to a class with a class of 30 students and they were those kids who would stomp on the milk cartons. And I have separation anxiety from my sister. We’ve always been going to the same school since elementary but she got into the high school she wanted which, good for her, but I got put on the waiting list for all of my school choices and now I have to go to my zone school and the other day I had a whole meltdown because of it in the school bathroom. I was the straight A student with perfect scores and that everyone would look up to. (At least that is what someone has told me) I think when I first burnt out was in 7th grade which was when we had online school. I just could not. I just fell apart. I started to put school aside I couldn’t even bring myself to do what I liked, I started failing but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything. My mom didn’t focus on what was going on with me, she cared more my grades. I was just so tired and everything. I’m doing a bit better, I still burn out. But I can’t help but break down knowing whatever I say, I have no choice if I go to college. I hate the idea of having to go to college and high school, I’ve told my father but he’s always yelled and me for not wanting to go. He would after criticize me and say I’m being lazy. I always told him I rather die than go to college. I’m going to do it for 13 years of my life, and right when it ends your telling me I have to go for another 4 years?!? Hell no. (I’m going to high school in August, I’m going to 9th.) -🍓

[@robinnarehood183]

Everyday is a struggle for my middle school daughter. I try each morning to get her out the door and feel helpless with ideas for helping her.

[@OliviaHops]

I'm so sorry she is struggling so much. I get it. I was her. As for how to help... It's hard, because I'm not sure anything will really help other than pulling her out of school. Just try to make each day as great as possible for her and be there for her.

[@IceNixie0102]

I loved school, because I hated my home life & being around my parents. But I definitely did (and still do) lay out ALL MY CLOTHES, underwear, jewelry, hair clips, etc the night before. I don't function well in the morning, and I won't be able to make a decision to save my life.

[@givmarcham7915]

Not many teachers liked me called me difficult and naughty , I was pushed out singled out and it would kill me inside I started skipping school instead, no one accepted me

[@DavidLindes]

14:07 - huzzah for goodness in doctors and support systems. (I’ll leave that other one to you; not something I believe exists.) Anyway, thanks for the video. I relate to a fairly large percentage of this - friend groups, reading challenges, acing tests without trying hard just from paying attention to lectures, etc. Nice to hear those things reflected.

[@dancingram79]

Thank you so very much for this video and Im so glad you are doing great and thriving. Much love! 🥰

[@kathrynroseillustration]

Listening to you talking about this is like listening to my own childhood. I was diagnosed as autistic at 31 and I struggled so hard at secondary school especially. At the time I was diagnosed with panic disorder but I now know what it actually was - a mixture of autistic burnout from excessive socialising and sensitivity to my surroundings. Thank you for sharing :)

[@danibland]

Your vidoes have helped me SOOOOOO much. Thank you for all you do!!! God bless

[@smaragd19.1]

My dad said too, that small school would be better for me. I didn't understood why, but now I know it. Oh, yeah. I am definitly a perfectionist. That makes a lot if things more complicated 😅

[@2011dav]

when I first tuned into your channel I never thought for a moment you were Autistic until you said so. I have a 25 year old son who I think has Level 2 Autism & a 22 year daughter who is Level 1. As a parent we do have challenging days especially with my daughter who suffers from severe meltdowns & anxiety disorder. She is also susceptible to certain smells & noise. Not sure if medication & therapies really help that much.

[@Treezp1]

Thanks again Olivia! I had a similar 'breakdown'/extremely intense depressive-anxious episode too 💗 Love Theresa

[@RobinFritts]

Thank you for sharing. ❤

[@sunflowersoda58]

It’s kind of crazy how much this sounds exactly like my school experience! Just about everything matches up, even down to dropping out in sophomore year, going to an online program, then finishing a semester early. I just recently found your channel and it’s been super helpful so far, so I can wait to watch more! I’m in the middle of the diagnosis process right now, so fingers crossed everything goes well 🤞

[@skyjamb]

Off topic, I loved the video with you and Orion.

[@catiyoung6606]

My 14-y-o daughter was just diagnosed with ASD and your videos are immensely helpful! Thank you! This one about school really hit home - she had what the doctors were calling a panic attack about 3 months into this past school year and was never able to return, much like you. We’ve found her an extremely small school for autistic kids where she’s going to get all the support she needs as she begins high school. We are still learning, so please keep sharing!

[@katiehoover6060]

So many pieces of your story reminds me of my own school years though I hit my “break down” a year earlier, at the beginning of my freshman year. I was still missed as autistic and diagnosed instead as having bipolar and ADHD.

[@kittykat8657]

I just found you a couple of weeks ago and I am honestly so amazed! You put clarity on things I haven't understood and make your videos so interesting! My daughter is 13 and we've struggled her whole life with her autism, she was diagnosed at 6. I actually can't believe the similarities between both of you, it blows me away. I wish I had come across your videos sooner! Please continue with this work, I believe this is your calling. You've got a wonderful personality and you're so good at explaining things. Now I understand more and know how to explain things if necessary. You really have no idea how much you've helped ❤ my mom loves your videos too and believes she may also be on the spectrum because of what you've shared. Thank you so much Olivia! Keep up the amazing work❤🌟

[@mollykins8h]

I love what you do here! I've always felt like whenever there is conflict people want me to feel guilty for whatever it is I've done, when in reality I rarely feel that and in most cases there's always been some misunderstanding, but especially on my part and I'm never able to communicate that. But now I know how to handle problems better and stop blaming myself for no reason.

[@carolgibson-wilson4354]

I started gathering info on ASD because my #3 g'child @ 3 was diagnosed. He and I are particularly close because his mom, my daughter, suffered severe depression when her father passed the same day as her great-uncle. Little was an infant and while she did breast feed, mostly she pumped and I bottled it for him. He slept in my bed then in a reclining swing because he couldn't sleep without motion. When about 3 months later, he was 6 months and on Dr orders was adding formula and rice cereal to his bottles. She began to be; interested in being a mom, wife, aunt and daughter. So I no longer had to care for Little e but he seemed to prefer me until he was 1 and I moved in with my older daughter. Research indicates I'm probably ASD, added to my PTSD which is now just GAD. I hated life from 3-15. Bullied on the way to and from school, in school as well as by my father and younger sister. I auditioned and was accepted into the school choir. I think several people in the choir were like me I'm one way or another. It was a haven and as 9-12 grades were in the choir I made a couple of close friends. I dropped out of college -- in school my grades hung around C level and college was too much change, too much noise, too much people in a class, etc. Got married to a wonderful, patient, even tempered guy and learned to "the w" cotton balls when melting down (,panic attacks and roaring anger). While my experiences have been different from yours, realizing I might be autistic provided me with a sudden understanding of why I am like I am. I have become happier and learned to make adjustments as needed. Little and I are still very close. My oldest daughter is ASD. No question. Her psychiatrist said he didn't need to test her, he just agreed she probably has it. It's why I had an easier to me dealing with her as a parent, than my younger one. I'm not playing favorites and never did, I just related to her more easily, discipline and guidance for her was easy compared to an NT daughter. Thank you so very much for your channel! It has helped Little, my eldest and I.

[@humanperson8418]

0:55 - Yes. After realising that pattern however, I decided to just indulge.

[@jkroemer2685]

Nice Ferrari shirt, cars are one of my special interest obsessions since I was about 13 (37 now). Anyways good video and I've experienced the majority of these examples also. School sucked and in highschool it was clear I had a learning disability and had to get help at Sylvan learning center (I was only reading and doing math at 5/6th grade level in my sophomore year). Weight lifting, tattoos, photography are a few of my long time interests and thankfully I started a detailing business that takes care of the car addiction haha. Keep up the video's , I like your delivery!

[@alliferguson8821]

Thank you for sharing your story. In grade 6 I also wad having a lot of struggles I would come home and have a meltdown everyday, or we tough it was a meltdown at the time. Looking back I think that it might have been burnout.

[@wvdrummerchick]

I’m almost 30 and I think I could be autistic. Can you do a video on the evaluation process for being evaluated for autism? If you haven’t already.

[@mcgregor8095]

Best care for Autism with Doctor Isibor Alternative Herbal supplement work perfectly well on my Autistic son 💯 he can now communicate especially with me and sleep's better now ☺️🥰 If interested you can give it a try and contact

[@corbenhavener7531]

Autism is really experienced differently with each individual even though many of the specific traits may be shared. We should remove the special education because I was a thinker when it came to taking tests and the extra time accommodation was valuable in allow me to trust my mind and not panic. I also appreciated being able to sit in and participate in my IEP case conferences, as it allowed me direct input in my experiences and my perceived level of confidence. Any student with an IEP should have that opportunity but I think special education is just so blanked and there is a large spectrum of needs for the various different students.

[@meriadocbrandybuck9833]

I think I functioned relatively well (whatever that means) to fly under the radar through high school. I got really upset at special education bc I was friendly with another autistic girl with more learning challenges. All she wanted to learn from school was how to pull her hair into a pony tail & they literally had her watch 8 hours of Sesame Street a day instead. I was so mad, I taught her how to do that myself on a shuttle bus over 3 months.

[@davidsookhun8211]

49 and now realizing I am not a failure as a human being as I thought I was. I hated school too and was stressed that I get pain in my chest and thankfully often missed school. Thank you for sharing, it helps me understand what was really happening to me.

[@mollykins8h]

Wow.... I ran away in winter break of sophomore year. Because I had that same school burnout!

[@TechieSewing]

I do that savouring too and yes, sometimes put it off past the expiration date ;) There are some channels I'm subscribed to but feel I have give them my full attention while watching so eventually never watch! 😆 I have hated school from maybe day 6 and I could tell you why, at length, at any moment of that. Also hated uniforms, those short skirted woolen dresses that had to be worn in any weather, so in September they were unbearably hot and most of the year too cold no matter how many pairs of tights are worn underneath. Apparently abroad uniforms consist of bigger number of articles and their creators are aware about different weather but in post-Soviet Union it wasn't a thing. And of course those classes of 30 students, and crippling boredom.

[@lexitamm]

I am living your past right now. I just got officially diagnosed with autism today and I had dropped out of my big 4yr college with a major in photojournalism due to a huge mental breakdown about two weeks ago. and I'm currently 17 years old. Thank you for all of your help you have made me feel SO much less lonely and helped me get to my point of diagnosis.

[@darianricks2050]

I’m a 30 yr old male. And this really resonates with me. I had no core friendship group

[@julietkiester5929]

Oh my god. This is essentially the story of my life. All the details... Wow. Thank you.

[@julietkiester5929]

I'm so excited you liked my comment! I think you're so cool and thank you so much for putting your content out here for us! It's really really helpful to have a positive and honest narrative about being female with autism 💕 🌈 ✨

[@givmarcham7915]

I was always in on call room, and when I was in that room, I remember doing and actually being able to Finnish an art project a picture of the Hulk, and if I was in the classroom I wouldn't be able to get it done, too much going on around me

[@nathanjw940]

I have slow processing issues so the work level was like giving everyone else double the work. Early grades they graded me based on what I finished even if it was much less. Sports were my special interest too.

[@Dancestar1981]

Then you are entitled to extended time to perform you classwork and tests and a quiet space away from everyone else to perform to your true potential

[@ariel.1302]

I had the same thing. In school especially when I was very little I would take forever to finish the work. In preschool i vividly remember switching tasks was very difficult for me and they would complain that I ate my lunch so slow and was still sitting at the table when everyone else had finished and were moving on to something else and I remember my mom asking me why I did that, I didn’t know what to say, it changed too fast for me, I was 3 years old. When I was older and had psychological testing done it would always show very high IQ but slow cognition, like slow processing speed. And looking back now I know that especially when it comes to auditory processing, mine is delayed. It gets worse in a stressful environment (especially if it’s loud or I’m forced to be under blinding fluorescent lights all day, like at school)

[@nathanjw940]

@@Dancestar1981 I got it once diagnosed at 9

[@nathanjw940]

@@ariel.1302 My auditory issues can be in a loud room I know someone is talking it can sound like the teacher from peanuts. I know you are talking but can't make out what you are saying.

[@tanyadirienzo9544]

Another great video, Olivia! Thank you so much! I love books and learning but I too was never a big fan of school, primarily because of the social aspect of it. Now looking back, I think I had a burn out moment at the end of High school because, despite being intelligent and having good grades, I really struggled at the beginning of college. I went to a huge university so being in huge lecture rooms, having to meet new people, living in residence and having to mask 24/7... I didn't understand it at the time, but it was probably overwhelming for me. I eventually buckled up and pushed through but it was extremely difficult. I essentially hated every moment of it. I did much better in my last year when I did not live in residence and commuted to school.

[@Dancestar1981]

Unfortunately as autistic ms we tend to suffer burnout multiple times in our lives, but with the proper support we can make it through the other side and things get better.

[@vanessavaughan]

I really relate to the way you felt at school. I hated it so much too! I wish that I had been as clever as you and figured out that University wasn't for me. Finally diagnosed last year (at the age of 49) , things make so much more sense, looking back. Great video, thanks!

[@Dancestar1981]

Congratulations on your diagnosis it lifts a huge weight off your shoulders when it opens up your self awareness

[@Lady.Fern.]

This one made me ugly cry haha ❤️ I got the short straw of struggling with both math and reading, however absolutely everything else in this video I deeply relate to.

[@Lady.Fern.]

Also I wrote a huge long story in my comment and then deleted all of it haha 🤣

[@kenziekayla8613]

Thank you so much!

[@MartinZeitler]

I've barely felt challenged and they always wanted to push me into their way too small box... it didn't work out, merely because of their irrelevant topics, alike French. At some point I've went punk, which made the choice of cloth irrelevant; and even now, I still don't have clothes without at least one tiny hole in them; it just happens :)

[@nl3087]

I have a love hate relationship with school I enjoy it some of the time and need it for structure but I also hate it due to the noise and bissuness of and some people

[@StephyPaige98]

Oh my goodness yes, I too share that hate of school. In yr 12 so many people said to me “enjoy it while it lasts, once you’re out in the real world (whatever that means) you will wish you were back there” I still stand by my answer 6 years later. “No, I really won’t” Do I want to have access to a dance room and learn dances? Yes of course, I love dancing. Do I want to have access to practice rooms and a recording room? Yes, I love singing and people organising places for me to sing. Do I miss school? NOOOOOO

[@andreaharmon8931]

Yes! I put things off too to sort of savor it. Or avoid it 🤪

[@JPWack]

Thanks for sharing your experience! It's great to compare what was harder for me or for you. PS: Ferrari, Red, Christmas, Grinch. Makes sense 😅

[@OliviaHops]

I guess I really like Red and Green 😂

[@tiarastokes3897]

Saving things - yes! That actually happened to me with a cookie too haha

[@wisecoconut5]

I liked elementary school. Every day was exactly predictable. There were RULES and people actually got in trouble for breaking those rules. I knew where my seat was. And there were endless pencils to chew on. LOL. I didn't have a photographic memory and never did my homework. But I could easily discern patterns and could extrapolate correct answers from the wording on test questions so my test scores were high. I also have discalculia and poor fine motor control and my writing sucked so even when I did my work I was labeled sloppy and lazy. Of course there were social issues but also emotional abuse and neglect at home. I left school mid year 10th grade. In the 80s autisim was not recognized in girls at all!

[@lindalucia970]

I have been watching a lot of our videos, they're great! Could you make one on decision making? Would love to hear your view on it.

[@OliviaHops]

Thanks so much for watching! And yes, it's on the To-Film list! :)

[@melissabyrd1310]

Yep I put off stuff i want to do and also save certain foods. I also HATED school from day one all the way to my senior year. People annoyed me in school and I HATED being forced to do stuff i wasn't interested in. LMBO I Love the Grinch movie with Jim Carrey.One of my favorite parts is him going through the phone book. Hate hate hate, loath entirely! I was just like you in school. I'm also a perfectionist. I'm also like that with friends.

[@sussout5098]

I found out I was autistic at 58yo (6 years ago). As far as school goes, though, I had the complete opposite experience - I absolutely LOVED school because I was great at working the entire system that is school - assignments, tests. At college at first there was separation anxiety which passed and then if I I could have stayed in college forever life would have been great for me because it did not have any of the uncertainties and pressures that the real world has. After college was when life began to feel unbearable. I always had good jobs (MANY good jobs because I would move on A LOT always for a multitude of reasons that always seemed reasonable at least to me) but anxiety was never ending and suicidal ideation was always there because of the pressures of just living. I was able to happy-face mask and pull off that act for eons and finally went off the deep end of burn out / meltdown when added to the anxiety of basically just survival and a stressful IT job I suddenly had to deal with an elderly mom who had cerebral degeneration (vascular dementia, constant falling and in the ER/doctor appointments and on and on). I dealt with that for 5 years in a frequent to constant meltdown state of being and went from the cheerful smile mask to hating absolutely everything about being alive, wearing black and sunglasses and thinking of how I could dive head first off the back end of the local ski jump. (You know there are absolutely zero videos of this elder caregiver inability for ASD - searches just always bring up nt parents caring for aging auties not vice versa. I may have to do some videos of this aspect on my own channel but have been reluctant because it kind of feels like a stigma of further failure to an actual Biblical principle along the lines of not honoring your parents when in actuality it just is a complete inability to do the caregiving for tens of years on end. That situation is stressful enough for NTs let alone auties and just adds to the further self loathing I've always felt.)