Avoid Toxic Relationships By Setting These 5 Non-Negotiable Self-Boundaries

[@redenavari]

7:50 1. "If I can only get my needs met in a relationship through force or manipulation, including and especially if I have first tried to get my needs met honestly and the other person is uninterested in meeting them, I owe it to myself to walk away from that relationship or to set boundaries that allow me to not rely on it in the same way, instead of moving into that space where I'm trying to get my needs met in a manipulative way." 17:35 2. "I will see needs in a relationship as a consent-based thing, not a coercion-based thing." 20:55 3. "I will engage in good faith relationships." 23:50 4. "I owe it to myself to advocate for my needs in a relationship and to not allow myself to grow resentful." 28:00 5. "I will have standards for how I treat other people, including how I treat myself, that I uphold regardless of how I am treated."

[@sergiosanchez7912]

❤❤❤

[@barbelarmbroster6524]

I read this comment a few hours ago and thought : this should be pinned by Heidi! Well done👍

[@honeyplug]

10 minutes in I'm waiting the 5 things

[@marguskiis7711]

Impossible with confident women. They just do not accept them.

[@redenavari]

@@marguskiis7711 Refusing to respect you or the boundaries you set is not "confidence". You might want to examine what you qualify as "confidence" in women. Would you allow a confident man to treat you in the same way? You may have unconscious biases that make controlling women's attempts at steamrolling you successful.

[@AnHourOfWolves]

Thanks for putting in so much work over the last years, I've learned so much from your videos and they really have helped me with my attachment healing. You speak an academic language that really works for me. You deserve at least one therapy session's worth! ❤

[@TheEyeInside]

"Manipulation is the tool of a powerless person" 🔥🔥🔥

[@kittylagrace1128]

Not all people have the executive function to get their needs met in a healthy way.😢

[@ItsKayvon]

🔥

[@sanjeevgig8918]

1. Respect for personal space: Ensuring that your need for physical and emotional space is honored. 2. Emotional honesty: Being truthful about your feelings and expecting the same from others. 3. Time management: Prioritizing your time and not allowing others to monopolize it. 4. Self-care: Making your well-being a priority and not compromising it for others. 5. Mutual respect: Expecting and giving respect in all interactions.

[@mightymom1691]

Thank you

[@tinyelephant77]

Thanks!

[@closethockeyfan5284]

Thanks, makes me wonder which I must improve. I actually think it's just that I have both big capacity and big needs relative to average in these.

[@AlysaRushtonEnergy]

Thank you for putting these here! Super appreciated 🙏🏽✨🙏🏽

[@salluere]

​@@closethockeyfan5284I feel the same way about myself and I'm just learning to use these big capacities to meet my big needs instead of putting others first and wanting to be put first which often results in disappointment.

[@mike7765]

This is years worth of couples counseling wrapped up in 30 minutes. It's literally everything you need to succeed in a relationship. Self integrity and self boundaries. She's good at what she does.

[@Chaxbs]

Yes and no. She's amazing and synthesising. And this psycho education might not be enough, because some people's blind spots might be so strong as to consciously say 'I do this' and than not do it in real life or in a specific circumstance and having that mirrored back is good work by a therapist or counsellor.

[@Chaxbs]

Yes and no. She's amazing and synthesising. And this psycho education might not be enough, because some people's blind spots might be so strong as to consciously say 'I do this' and than not do it in real life or in a specific circumstance and having that mirrored back is good work by a therapist or counsellor.

[@Rico-RR]

“You don’t have an anger problem, you have an abuse problem” 💯 Powerful video Heidi

[@ScottPrinster]

“Early on in life, you were likely rejected by your caregivers if you were to show too much need or vulnerability. And so what your system naturally started doing for you, without you being conscious of it, is shutting down the areas of your self that notice when you are in need or when you feel vulnerable.” OOOF -- that was a gut punch.

[@menuchahats6760]

I went to some kind of trance therapy to figure that out 5 years ago when i was 55. I am still working on putting this "humpty dumpty together again"". The more I heal the bigger the distance between us grows. Now after 33 years of marriage and adult children my husband was recently diagnosed by aspergers syndrome. Now he has legitimised his unwillingness to connect and care. What options does that leave me out of the two that Heidi suggests?!!

[@melissaoconnell5648]

​​@@menuchahats6760 Sounds really difficult to be in this place for you right now and like it's a lot to realize and process for yourself alone. Had you seen the pinned post by Heidi at the top of the comments? She breaks down her overall guidance directly with consideration and care there to answer your question in brief. Especially to make time to understand discovering your go-to attachment style(s). I want to acknowledge it can be really difficult sometimes to see when standing in our own way, yet recognizing the attachment style patterns, can initiate the process to break free and trust you knowing yourself. I really appreciate Heidi's phrasing to speak with a partner @ 25:00 to be in good faith. Yet this is for a willing partner. Someone who wants to cooperate and cares. The question would be whether or not there's any real compatibility between you two and willingness to explore what's behind your partner's direct statement. Heidi also uses affirming language statements to shift mind patterns to break repeating old habits and behaviors. For instance, I stop to 'help' others - sometimes to my detriment, yet out of a sense of wanting to be seen, heard and appreciated, too I need to recognize my own attachment style(s). Something I need to change by perhaps asking if I have time to spare, share and care? Or does this feel supportive to meet my needs, too? And if so, as well to check in with others by first observing, deeply listening to discover - not assume someone's need. I'm a lifelong work in progress....tired and sad at times for it, too. To me, if I am truly hearing you - do you need some time and support to go through realizing and accepting what simply is with a trusted counsel or guide, in order to find and trust what's absolutely in your best interest - first for you? I cannot know, as it's your relationship - though it sounds like he's being clear on his side for naming his limitations - with or without the naming of a diagnosis. Outside of your partner's response, do you know what you want and need presently? Perhaps if you return here and read this response and reflect upon what's mentioned- it's a start, whereby next you ask a more direct question to Heidi or take steps to seek trusted support - be it continuing on line or in privacy. Whatever you do - I hope you find a way to celebrate you being you and take extra good care of yourself. Remind yourself - you got what it takes.

[@KristinaWidmer]

This one is hard. I am experiencing it by myself. It's not funny. I am about to reprogramm that.

[@julietteferrars3097]

@menuchahats6760 That sounds like a very lonely and frustrating situation. I’m sorry he is unwilling to work on himself. I highly recommend the channel “Autism From The Inside” for insight into his perspective as well as support for yourself. Best wishes!

[@eyewisheyemight]

How am I not myself?

[@gun00b]

Are my eyes deceiving me? Are we blessed by a second Heidi Priebe video only days apart? Thank you, Heidi, and have a wonderful day!

[@heidipriebe1]

😂❤️

[@Politegirl686]

I was thinking the same thing. What a nice surprise

[@gun00b]

And she replied to me! It's a good day!

[@martinastep6355]

​@@gun00b, she is like Gandalf..she disappears and then she comes back with some great advices for people, hobbits, elves and ents...❤

[@jrs5852]

Talk about intermittent reinforcement, lol

[@DS-kh2wk]

I am a doctor of clinical psychology here in the UK, and Heidi is on point. She has found her forte. Great work Heidi. Keep it up.

[@stuppittyhed]

coool story lol. We didnt need your endorsement though. This is youtube comment section, Im a doctor of giraffe fertility.

[@DS-kh2wk]

@@stuppittyhed wow.

[@thecreationproject7005]

@@stuppittyhedyour inferiority illusion is showing, you might want to fix that

[@katfayegarrett3872]

Thanks doc for being here!

[@sydney6818]

@@stuppittyhedrelax

[@BrainDiarrhea]

and when the world needed her the most... she returned

[@Nozipho]

Coming to terms with my own manipulation and abusive behaviours has been a real ego death after my partner broke up with me. Thank you for this insight it is truly life changing.

[@aleksanderkurz9755]

Hi Heidi, thanks a lot for uploading another video. Again, it's just so on point for me, and it just "clicked" multiple times. Recently, I've withdrawn from a relationship that "didn't feel right" for me, but even though I'd already decided, I was still very resentful about it, and it grew to the point I totally made a villain out of this person. Of course, it didn't sit well with me, but I just couldn't figure out why it was happening and how I should approach it. Thank you for all your contributions, from the cool ENFP videos where I loved the energy, to the content related to attachment theory that just rang the bell for me so many times and inspired me to grow and explore in a way that is just so pure and encouraging. Please keep on cooking! P.S. I ALSO LOVE YOU GUYS

[@ladywithasword4587]

"Keep your side of the street clean" is one of the major tenets of AA. I found your channel when I was less than a month into sobriety, and now I am days away from 18 months of continuous sobriety! Your wisdom has definitely been a net positive for me and I am excited to continue to grow!

[@mrsbethaniesmith]

Congratulations!

[@katfayegarrett3872]

🎉❤

[@AnimalsAreCute101]

Congrats! That's awesome!

[@torycolvin9500]

Congratulations!!!!!! Also in recovery :) It’s a much better place to be - Keep up the amazing work!

[@Itwasrealbutnotfun]

Congrats ❤🎉 I had 10 years in April. I LOVE AA! It works, it’s simple, it’s fun and it’s free! Woo hoo. We win!

[@samsarasuplex]

What a consistently helpful resource: direct without being reductionist or deterministic, empathic while still displaying critical thinking, and able to give me a "script" for a tough situation without relying on overly loaded therapyspeak. I'm still on my own journey of reckoning and growth. Boundaries are actually one of my weakest points and it's gotten me in some shit situations before, so I need all the help I can get. I'm glad to have access to these videos.

[@aglaiaromodina9760]

Hundred times yes!

[@Ridingrules10000]

If you will not show yourself, you will never be seen by anyone and you will forever be frustrated.

[@jenniferk1066]

Boundary #5 hits home when I realize I have been lashing out in response to people who have “wronged” me. Even though it sometimes feels very “justified,” I am not proud of this behavior… but I never learned other ways to protect myself or get my needs met. This video really illuminated better ways to do that. Thank you!

[@kishpattel92]

So glad you're back. Ive had the most growth from your videos in the past 2 years. Such a valuable source of knowledge in a format that's applicable and understandable.

[@KristinaWidmer]

"people enjoy meeting each other's needs" I needed to hear that. I thought I was wrong by what I experienced and how I was feeling...

[@tumbleweed6492]

That really resonated with me ❤

[@brynnaandersen7739]

This is the clearest description of attachment styles I’ve heard - thank you! The more I don’t want to do something that she suggests, the more I realize… holy crap, I’m really avoidant. I ended my first relationship recently- it was incredibly hard to explain what I was going through. I thought I communicated as much as I could before I couldn’t take it anymore. It seemed like everything I did was hurting him in some way, and I hated feeling so guilty all of the time (and this absolutely 100% was not his intention). I thought I was anxious attachment because of this… but I really am avoidant. This explains so much.

[@ericniles4867]

You are one of the few people I can hear ‘meet yourself to be able to meet other people’ from. I feel like I struck a pot of gold just now when you reiterated at the end of the video truly respecting yourself is the way to show that you are ready for healthy loving relationships. ❤

[@helent96]

"We can only meet other people as deeply as we’ve met ourselves." - This one hit me hard as someone who airs more on the side of avoidant, but with the help of therapy and all of your wonderful videos, I really do feel like I am becoming a much more securely attached and happier person! Thank you so much, Heidi! You really are changing lives ❤

[@gatorshea5379]

The whole holding onto everything until the relationship or marriage falls apart seems like a common theme today. "I tried to tell you several times that I was unhappy." "Yeah, by using telepathic signals or speaking incomprehensibly." Nobody can read your mind. Speak up for yourself and do it consistently.

[@mendybisk]

"Because we can only meet other people as deeply as we've met ourselves. And if you haven't met yourself on that deep level, as soon as your partner tries to go there with you, you're gonna shut down." 🤯

[@manhattanbeachfitness]

Spot on. I loved this video. I was involved with an avoidant boyfriend for a year few years back who historically sought out long distance relationships . Your comments relating to contempt, resentment, and a lack of desire to communicate was something I experienced when the relationship started cracking and coming to an end. He displayed all of the classic avoidant traits you mentioned in this video, and I displayed many of the anxious traits you explained here. I wish I had found you when I needed to hear this years ago, rather than blame myself for the relationship ending as abruptly and suddenly as it did after a year together .

[@PauLyns]

I should have watched this video as soon as you posted it rather than to save it to listening later. It would have helped me to manage my magnified reaction that as soon as I had it started to feel awfully ashamed of it. I don’t believe in to take back the things we said, what is said, is said, but I wish I could have this another incredible powerful information that Heidi always throws into the world. Heidi, I wish you could feel how grateful I feel about your unbelievable mind. All my love for you ❤️

[@Daniel3sevens]

Heide, first off, it is so pleasant that you’re posting content again. I have been binge watching all of your past videos and have been wondering where you have been. Very ironic Heidi, that your past 2 videos, contain the topics of which I am currently experiencing with my marriage of 20 years. Your delivery and the way that you hold my attention is so amazing. The knowledge that you’ve uncovered is so priceless and the fact that you realize the value of bringing these topics to others in an effort to educate is very heartwarming. I appreciate you so much. When I have time, I would really like to go over my circumstances with you, in an effort to gain some perspective and heal my insecurities. For now, I simply, thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️

[@bobbyc1120]

This is so topical. The previous video left me wondering what to do about a specific person who is completely incapable of understanding my attempts at secure relating. Thanks Heidi!

[@itschris8601]

This may be one your best videos yet. A lot has rightfully been said about your presentation style and that goes for every video. The effort that you must put into your writing sure is worth it. To me, this particular video stands out because you crammed many ideas that reach VERY far across all types of relationships in just about 30 minutes.

[@larrychoiceman]

Two in 48 hours!! Thanks, HP.

[@larrychoiceman]

Featuring a favorite semi-regular pronunciation quirk @20:10 : "Regu-LARE-ly." Not sure if it's a wherever-Heidi-is-from thing, or just a Heidism, but delightful!

[@davidansi1683]

This needs multiple re-listening. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

[@AnHourOfWolves]

I’ve watched it five times so far and counting. 🔥

[@MatthewWatts-rj7ij]

My day just got better. Your videos have been a great supplement for me while navigating therapy.

[@NancyMichaels-mk3st]

You are incredibly self-aware and I am so grateful to learn from you. Thank you so very much!

[@dealarconf]

You are a blessing Heidi. Thank you for your work. Thanks to you I managed to leave my narcissistic ex. It still hurts because I loved him with all my heart. But if I stayed, my soul would have been consumed. The analogy of cutting a leg to survive resonated very deeply.

[@berniebarclay2183]

Legs don't grow back. Souls do! They come back a little different but you fo find yourself again. Frankly, the absolute worst aspect of narc abuse is the loss of self, over and above any other torture these bastards inflict.

[@BereketAbraham]

Thank you for communicating these profound and hard earned truths.

[@rookkun8205]

This is honestly exactly the clarity I've been needing. I really appreciate your content and your voice in this.

[@user-mt2co8ip4u]

Amazing video. The bit about consent and not coercion reminds me of George Haas on the "I love you keep going" podcast. He talks about how the very first step of building close intimate relationship should be to establish whether you feel regulated by the other person, spend 20 minutes with them and see whether you feel the same, better or worse after that. Ideally you should feel regulated by their very being, so that they don't have to do anything different to regulate you. Then after that you can consider whether they are able to meet your needs and care for you in the way that you want, that you can do the same for them. Finally you can think about whether you are fellow travellers, whether you share similar goals in life, what people usually think of as compatibility. This last bit is mostly for romantic relationships. He said most people skip to the last bit before considering whether the person is regulating or whether they can meet their needs. It's very difficult in couples work to help a couple that are fundamentally dysregulating for each other on a nervous system level, or where one partner is dysregulating for the other. My ex was dysregulating for me. When I spent time with him I would lose my appetite, I would feel nervous and on edge, I would even suffer from palpitations. After meeting him I would feel nervous and obsessed with when he would text me back, i was losing myself in the relationship. I just thought that these were love butterflies. But now I understand that it was dysregulation. The huge problem for us was that he was never able to comfort me whenever I was upset, which made me feel in despair and him feel like he was never good enough. But it was just because our nervous systems were not compatible, he wasn't regulating for me. Instead of trying to coerce him, manipulate him and try to force him into something that he could never be, I should have done what George advised and thought about that from the very first moment. I shouldn't invest myself in intimate relationships with people who can't be regulating for me, which includes both romantic partners and close friends. When I finally accepted him for who he was, I chose to end the relationship and walk away. It was really painful, my attachment system was in overdrive and I couldn't eat or sleep for 3 days. I was miserable, I cried all the time, suffered a lot of somatic symptoms and missed him so much. My brain played tricks on me and made me regret the breakup even though I knew breaking up was the right thing to do. My family got me through that phase. After 3 weeks had passed, my attachment system started to downregulate a bit and I finally started feeling a bit better. Now at 2 months after the breakup, I'm finally starting to feel like myself again and I even went back on the dating apps. My philosophy this time is not to try and force someone to be something that they're not, nor to try and seduce people. I'm going to show up authentically and see people for who they really are, not the potential that they could have if I manipulated them well enough.

[@plursocks]

Wow...thanks for this. I've been having a hard time processing my breakup. I blamed myself a lot for the ending of the relationship. But then you discussed how it's up to both people to discuss their needs and that really brought things into perspective. My relationship ended in a huge fight where my girlfriend was yelling at me for this, that, and the other thing and though I apologized and agreed to work on those things, she broke up with me an hour after the fight completely out of the blue. It's kind of a wake up call for me because I similarly did not communicate in my past relationships when I had needs and suddenly broke up with people instead of addressing issues. I guess this is just part of my healing process in the end and we ultimately grew apart. She implied that she lashed out due to her depression, but I'm also dealing with depression and I do not do that to others. So hearing that last boundary and how I'm already enforcing that boundary cheered me up a bit...made me feel like less of a screw up. Thanks.

[@vemrith]

Just because you don’t lash out doesn’t mean you don’t do other equally (or more for them) hurtful things, like emotionally or physically withdrawing from a relationship.

[@DemiDesignsBlenheim]

Everyone reacts differently when they feel threatened or hurt etc. Try not to compare as a way to avoid the full pain and healing. Grief is key. If this is not applicable to you, please disregard. If it is, I wish someone told me this years ago. "Grieving the relationship end you deserved as a way to honour yourself"

[@Protegida4]

Ignore the dismissive replies under your comment. Whenever an avoidant expresses their feelings, anxiously attached people swoop in and make it all about their feelings. I’m proud of you for processing this breakup as the complex experience that it is. It’s almost never one person’s fault. And all you can do is take responsibility for your side and not take their actions personally. Which it sounds like you’re doing! I’m sending love and hugs. I know you’ll find someone who is gentle with your feelings 💕💕💕

[@acegard7801]

I always have my eyes opened by your talks. One thing I struggle with is that in my 60 years I probably had 5 chances at relationships and so I struggle to relate to your description of seemly endless opportunities at relationships. Is that just me?

[@tehfizzeh]

I don't know where viable partners are either... I'm surprised I met my bad relationships let alone needing to meet a good one.. just need to find more hobbies I guess!

[@mirariri98]

This video couldn’t come at a better time. You’re so good at articulating this stuff. I was a little confused on how to proceed in my own relationship. I figured I’m chronically reiterating my needs and they’re not met. I thought I was clingy or too much but sometimes it is best to find someone that matches your energy.

[@nicoleglaser4978]

Thank you so much for this video! I've had a realization that my wounded anxiously attached inner child is, still, constantly being mistreated - by my adult self who has absolutely no sense of self-preservation or self-protection. And then I knew I had to set boundaries, and that most of the very important boundaries would actually be with myself. And then I got lost. So this helped me figure out some of those self boundaries. Thanks for laying them out on the table!

[@Jaquableu]

This was a profoundly meaningful video for me. It also came right on the tail end of some lightbulb moments (also helped by you) with my family. I am a scape goat trying to resolve issues with my Golden child older sister (by 12 years.) She ignores my text. Doesn't respond to me and guilt trips me and gas lights me. I am too needy, and overly emotional. I think I am a combo of avoidant and insecure attachment style. She is avoidant for sure. I actually brought up to her the issue of her not responding to me. I think she listened a little. This is a family that did not even reach out to me when my son died. They just ignored it and said later, I did not know what to say. Very dysfunctional family. Thank you for your vids. They are really helping me figure out a lot of things. You are loved.

[@SarahOhio-t7u]

Great video! Unfortunately, my two-year relationship ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, and I still love him deeply. I can't stop thinking about him. I've done everything I can to get him back, but nothing has worked. I'm frustrated and can't imagine my life with anyone else. Despite my best efforts, I can't get him out of my mind. I really miss him.

[@BarbaraLinton-k1c]

It's incredibly hard to let go of someone you love. I was in a similar situation when my twelve-year relationship ended. I couldn't let him go, so I did everything I could to get him back. I sought the help of a spiritual counselor, who assisted me in reuniting with him.

[@SarahOhio-t7u]

That's amazing! How did you find a spiritual counselor, and how can I reach him?

[@BarbaraLinton-k1c]

His name is Fatherabulu, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can help bring your ex back.

[@SarahOhio-t7u]

Thank you for this valuable information! I just looked him up online, and he seems impressive.

[@Gaebrielll]

Have you read or listened to Heidi's book "This is Me Letting You Go" ? Purchasing this inexpensive book is a great way to give her your appreciation and support, as well as receive the same. Along with her trove of free online material, this book is a gem, out of 5 stars I give Heidi and her book a perfect 10. Let her words of wisdom and deep understanding marinate and soak in!

[@apope2311]

Omg addressing hierarchical thinking!!! We all have truths and we all deserve respect..

[@viiiRA_]

Love that you post videos like this that address accountability and that insecure people may not see their actions as manipulative or bad. The latter was a refreshing reminder for me as I had began to lean towards dogmatic thinking lately, as you had mentioned in the beginning of the video. A third of a way through, I love that you also give examples for both insecure attachments to meditate on.

[@nyc5396]

This is my favorite channel. Heidi is so on point! She gets to the heart of the issue, offers insight, context and solutions. I love the ultimate message: Be kind to others, be kind to yourself; respect yourself, respect others. Be accountable!!

[@marktarmah]

I've been going through a break up over the last two months and this video has brought so much clarity to my situation. Thank you so much Heidi, your content has helped me realise so much about myself and its motivated me to change my behaviours. Knowledge is power!

[@robertbenedek4463]

Heidi, there are so much polarizig stuff in social meda. Your contribution for INTEGRATION and HEALING is extremely valuable. Many thanks for your work and effort!

[@Merit_Liege]

JFC. I swear. I feel like you're talking directly to me. Amazing gift.

[@lydibugmuzik]

Not only is Heidi back, she’s here with pertinent information that I needed to hear regarding a chaotic friendship I’m struggling to break from!

[@kennyOliva5]

Hey, Heidi, I just to say how much your videos mean to me. I'm going through a lot, but you make me feel like I'm not alone in this. I love you, hope you're ok. Thanks for everything

[@selah5792]

This is a good destinction regarding the ‘toxic’ description. And, there are people who down to the core get pleasure from destroying others from the inside out and there is no bottom to that well of darkness.

[@SwornTranslationsSpain]

I have been following you for the past year or so and I your videos have worked miracles in my life! You have really made an enormous difference. You have helped me understand my own psychic and behaviour in ways I honestly never thought I could. I've learned more about myself from your videos than years of therapy. You're the ultimate avoidant whisperer! Finding you has been a true revelation. You are so good at breaking down complex concepts into easy-to-understand terms. Your empathy and understanding of avoidants is unheard of. I've made more progress in my healing journey through your videos than any other way.Thank you for everything you do!

[@latebloomer7191]

This is the first of your videos that I've seen, and the content is outstanding. I need this information right now, as I plan to open myself up to dating again. I've been divorced for 20 years, but have only dated a handful of prospects, and none of them were good options (one catfisher). Turns out, I still had a lot of healing and grieving to do during these years. The timing on this is perfect. Thank you!

[@irinavoicu3412]

I feel like everybody i have ever met, including myself, could use these boundries that you presented in the video. Thank you so much!!

[@trulystarr4507]

Found my online therapist right here. I was going to go to MD Live but everything is right here with you about me and others -it all aligns into perfect, valuable sense and such incredible valuable education. I can’t thank you enough how much your videos have helped me I haven’t seen you in a while and you came on today and it is exactly what I needed to understand

[@cynthiakoch3122]

Heidi, I am so sorry you had so much grief and pain in your childhood. Adversity is such a motivator (for some of us). I wish you nothing but success, God bless.

[@SeekAliveness]

This Integrity series is very good. Heidi’s content is more nuanced and sophisticated than ever. So valuable. I hope we get another end of year book review.

[@roxy7255]

Thank you Heidi this is so helpful especially explaining it just a anxious and avoidant view point in a non judgemental manner! Choosing a partner who i feel are on the same level is key, otherwise the willingness simply isn’t there for me.

[@timothywilson3253]

That was a well spoken lesson in love , these kinds of speeches are so important because they can save people the suffering of many years by trying to ( force ) relationships to work and they can become addicted to ( hiding /ignoring ) their lesser weaknesses via the - other person's more glaring short comings . 🤢🤮🤢. Lord knows I've been stuck on both sides of those fences . Ooof

[@beesfeedus2249]

Finally some real practical, logical, clear, concise advice to practice that isn't derivative, repetitive, or sales based. Thank you!

[@ChandlerNightroad]

The best psych content I’ve ever seen on KZbin, thank you so much!

[@thomasfogarty7190]

Thank you for all your videos over the years- these most recent videos are the perfect sum of all the lessons I’ve learned over the last few years. That pride you’re talking about- I can feel it for the first time. It took 30ish years but I finally have some semblance of self-respect and how to navigate interpersonal perceived injustice. I’ve come out the other side of the emotional meat grinder (and walked with many of my family and friends through theirs)- your videos are such a good resource for building the language to understand and find closure for regrets of past failings and how to let go of interpersonal emotional hyper vigilance for the future. 💙

[@ItsOKBrady]

I needed to hear this 20 years ago. Its amazing how much time we can waste in these cycles, hoping the other person will change, but not doing the work on our own side of the street. I'm so grateful to be learning this before getting into another relationship. Its hopeful to hear that our attraction will change as we work towards becoming more secure, ourselves. Thank you so much for sharing your gifts with us!

[@Lunasdad88]

Thanks Heidi. You are truly a blessing in this space.

[@lilmissbellarosa]

Heidi I am so very grateful for you, I love you, thank you for your work.

[@AnHourOfWolves]

When you say "I think I'm going to leave it at that for today." I feel disappointed, but not abandoned. Really appreciate your content. Thanks!

[@nickydekker2454]

Thank you so much Heidi for all the wonderful work that you do ❤ It is so helpful and healing to have someone explain, without judgment and with kind humor, the things that many people just seem to know how to do naturally, thereby reducing my shame. I am hoping you will do a similar video about relationships with emotionally immature/unavailable parents, since they are unable/unwilling to change their behavior. The kind of people that are not necessarily highly toxic/abusive/narcissistic but do very much drain your energy every time they interact with you. But since they are my parents and they are not extremely toxic, I am struggling to find a "good enough" way to have a relationship before having to seriously consider going no contact for my own sake

[@lientje.206]

This one is really strong, there is so much in it. Many lightbulbs popped up ❤ thank you Heidi🙏

[@gvb3109]

I really like the part about finding your equal. I am guilty of getting away with things that I definitely shouldn’t have or that I knew was wrong in the past because I didn’t see the other person as my equal and I didn’t truly respect them. At times when I did find partners that i felt were my equal I did find it challenging to be with them but looking back I do see the challenging aspects as opportunities not just for me to grow on my own time but also to grow in my perspective and participations of partnerships. I enjoyed the part of the video where you must communicate your needs and work on your needs with your partner as avoidants otherwise you will grow to resent someone that loves you and that you cherishes you and that can spoil the relationship for both partners. Really love viewing this content.

[@sarahelizabethsmith7620]

Thank you ~ I really appreciate the books you cite. Lundy Bancroft’s “why does he do that” offers a unique perspective! I also like his book “should I stay or should I go”, a useful read to dig deeper into what you cover here regarding self-respect.

[@IndigoHazelnut]

Your has been a huge part in helping me decode, untangle and understand my inner self. Thank you Heidi

[@makaylahollywood3677]

This is adulting- I’ve always thought Integrity for me is powerful, empowering. I am Going to make it this years journey.

[@Morphic-Realms.]

This is one of the best videos I have come across on this topic... broken down masterfully, thanks Heidi, very clear and concise

[@dylant0000]

Every time I watch one of these I have to pause multiple times. I've learned so much from this channel. Thank you for doing what you do.

[@soulscompasshealing]

This is gold, thank you Heidi. Self protection takes maturity.

[@jessicamorales2555]

Every video Heidi shares is an absolute piece of wisdom. Thank you❤

[@Dysfunctional_Reprint]

I found your videos only a couple weeks ago and I speed ran as many of them as I could. Seeing it had been a couple months since you had posted made me think that you had hung up the video making. Glad you are still making videos

[@nallashea4686]

Another ringer, Heidi. Beautifully said - bravo

[@sandonsabetta1522]

This is exactly what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it! Life changing!

[@janfeinberg3825]

Thank you. Just what I needed to hear this morning!

[@ericniles4867]

So necessary to review these agreements! Much love, Heidi

[@beingilluminous]

Thank you so much for a well thought out video on this! I am sharing this with my recent relationship that shifted from being romantic to a safer level of friendship. We have both been working on ourselves and are always appreciating some guidance to explore and practice with!

[@ijustneedmyself]

Trying to do this currently and...I don't want to be just his friend 🥲

[@beingilluminous]

@ I absolutely hear this! It was the hardest thing for me to respect him on his journey, and then to realize whenever I would feel a little bit of that romantic longing something would show why we are not to be together in a romantic sense. For me, he is a man who realized he’s autistic thanks to all that I have learned and who I am. So I don’t want to be a teacher, and he’s not interested in being a partner. This is where I have to keep reminding myself to focus on me and being a friend to myself first. Sending you so much compassion and strength. This is a very challenging path and it is a worthy one if if we can make it through. 🙏🏻

[@ijustneedmyself]

@@beingilluminous Thank you for your response. He shows me regularly that we are just not compatible. He isn't in the right place on his healing journey compared to me. Add on top of that my own attachment issues (FA) and we have a lovely mix of him pulling away and me feeling like I don't matter enough though I know he isn't doing it intentionally. He has expressed caring for me deeply, but has also said that feelings are scary/dangerous for him and he can't handle being in a relationship. He wants to give me what I need, but feels like he can't. He goes into shame spirals based on that and then ghosts. I really need to be a friend to myself first. I know what healthy communication looks like and yet here I am still after multiple times being ghosted. Thanks so much, again ❤️

[@beingilluminous]

@ sending much compassion and hugs-I feel this deeply! Mine has acknowledged that he never had feelings to begin with because he really wasn’t allowed and unfortunately, he used a lot of misdirection tactics and really undermined the trust in our relationship. We aren’t alone… They’re a lot more people understanding how important it is to be our own friend first and how hard it is for us to disconnect these romantic story lines from the reality we face. Wishing you the best on this journey!

[@ijustneedmyself]

@beingilluminous Ugh. That's so tough. I'm glad you're in a better place. Thank you! ❤️

[@Laura-jx7il]

Thank you.

[@JoshuaRomatowski]

I've been in an axious/avoidant relationship for the last 8 months. These videos help me so, so much to process what is going on. Thank you! (I'm anxious leaning)

[@Cocomang0xq]

Damn u hit the nail right on the tippy top of its head “we might have to do some work on getting to the place where being truly seen and sometimes being challenged,does not feel deeply offensive and repulsive to us”

[@LudmilaSantanak3]

Heidi, you are an absolute gem. Thank you for sharing so much insight with us and for providing real tools for growth while holding such a welcoming and non-judgemental space.

[@kaelagallagher3469]

Thank you Heidi for your thoughtful articulation of so many important relational topics. My husband and I have received so much healing on our attachment journey from listening to your beautiful shares. Mahalo!

[@dfateekh]

I've recently finished reading a book of Heide regarding Letting go. That was awesome, so passionately written. A lot of intense notes, a mix of controversial feeling we pass durung a break up period ❤

[@porteauloin]

Heidi you a gem ! My now EX grilgriend was so anxious and me avoidant. The cocktail didn't work out but you helped me so much to navigate the difficulties. Ty ty ty!

[@annamccormick5059]

Heidi you have helped me understand so much about my background and how I am, and have difficulties at work and in personal relationships. Please keep creating these information-rich videos ❤❤❤

[@NoirGunSlinger]

As a fellow ENFP, I love it for you that you have found a way to make money AND do something you are good at AND help others. Bravo girly, proud of you =)

[@MareikeFi-g3e]

A heartfelt thank you, especially for the last three minutes of this video-it was truly eye-opening! 🙏 I immediately purchased the book.

[@interiot2]

I think you might have just changed my relationships forever. Wow, I needed this.

[@trishliving9942]

You are the most masterful communicator I have ever encountered. ❤ What a level to aspire to, thanks for being a great example for me and everyone trying to change for the better. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@TwinFlameSpyrit-p1u]

I LOVE your take on "toxic", it's exactly how I see and define it too.

[@yesyeahyes1]

This is only the third video of yours that I've watched and my mind is blown every time! You have a gift for explaining these topics and giving concrete points of reflection and next steps. Thank you so much

[@MichelleMillerRealtor]

Another great video! Sometimes I just absolutely get stumped by how people make relationships work because I don’t see this in others relationships that have been together for years. And I do all this work and research and just feel like this just isn’t out there.

[@leolady8114]

I absolutely love how you explain things! Due to politics I hadn't listened to podcasts in a little while, and it was so nice to get back to listening to you!!!

[@camm5962]

Thank you so much for these sessions, I’m finding them very helpful for bringing down my anxiety and regulating my nervous system. I really appreciate your making them available.

[@barboraadewale3212]

The way she expresses herself so clearly is fascinating to me. I had so many WOW moments watching her videos. Brilliant 👏