When Boundaries HURT: How to Honor Your Needs Without Abandoning Others

[@david.fit9]

Your ability to describe how I think and act in certain situations better than myself still blows my mind

[@OneMountainNine]

Articulating your feelings is extremely important. Otherwise feelings can become toxic. Write them down if there’s no one/nowhere to share. Helps to express and learn your boundaries and eventually others in order to regulate. Hearing and using your own words as opposed to parroting back some one else’s feelings in their words. Acknowledging becomes an important part of regulating, compromising. Easier said than done. Being vulnerable in a healthy way.

[@Dayzzd]

All emotions feel the same

[@Dayzzd]

Reflect

[@OneMountainNine]

@@Dayzzd What are all the emotions ?

[@laylaserizawa4538]

Same here, brother!

[@milublau]

Your content should be taught in schools, seriously. Just like sex education is. Would be so cool to have kids and teen versions of this, learning the dynamics and enacting situations... would save us collectively so much pain and time. Thanks for making it so clear to the adult audiences.

[@cortneyozment7825]

Yes I have teenage children and I’m learning to heal myself so that I can better prepare them for the real world

[@Politegirl686]

So glad you are back. I have been checking routinely and watching old stuff. You have been so important in my healing journey. Looking forward to this.

[@martinastep6355]

Same here. ❤

[@maryanneevans8812]

Same❤❤❤

[@mridusharma8311]

Agreee 💙

[@danielszlicht2633]

Same

[@xoxo3703]

Me too

[@BradChristie]

Not only is she back, she does a walk off home run. Welcome back. And if you still need more time (I get it, the grind is real) I respect it. Just know your content is greatly appreciated.

[@Pk-wu9tl]

What a lovely comment

[@ianb7650]

I only just discovered your channel months ago, after living for 36 years in awful relationships. I knew I was the problem, but didn't know why, or how to fix it - your videos have been key resources in facilitating my healing. Thank you, Heidi - you're beautiful inside and out!

[@deciduousrex1219]

You have no idea how much you've changed the course of my life. Mad respect for all you do.

[@omnipotenttit3240]

Thank God for a nuanced take-the ghosting, seeking-regulation, and villainising parts almost brought me to tears because it describes what many people have done to me. It’s so normalised among people my age to abandon each other the minute there’s a small clash and then run away or lash out. I never understood it because I’m more inclined towards the self-abandonment and resentment path…

[@cornwallismorgan874]

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I'm 36, and I notice it among people my age and younger.

[@ontologicalornithology]

I'm in my early thirties and this is a major struggle in romantic relationships, and oftentimes even newer friendships

[@joelbellJB]

Yeah because most people are horrible selfish people.

[@zehtulakiest5413]

She’s back!!! ❤

[@janey8540]

I went through all the possible options of the vicious "dysregulation" circle. My wonderful husband stayed on the right side throughout the whole relationship, searching for compromise, being amazing at open communication, staying positive at all times. Juggling that with patiently regulating me. All 10 years. Just like Heidi says, the "villainization" stage killed it. I feel incredibly ashamed for having done so much damage to the relationship and for hurting and driving away the person I love and respect immensely. I was so incredibly blind. It feels there was so much energy in me to feed into insecurities, annoyance and whatnot... With all that energy, purified of negativity, we could've had a very different story. Thank you, Heidi, for such insightful, eye-opening videos, so useful for anxious people like me.

[@Piecesoftheshadow]

So relatable. Sometimes just being a damn recluse seems like the best option vs dealing with so many different personality types and their inner issues along with your own. So exhausting.

[@Angel-k1d7e]

LITERALLY.

[@Violet-McGriddle]

Damn it, i just over-protected a boundary and lost a good friend this week. The timing of this feels personal😅 Genuinely, thank you for making these, they make me extremely uncomfortable sometimes and thats how i know where to focus on growth🎉

[@LurkingLinnet]

Samee here

[@Sycamoresap]

FACTS

[@Hollyluya41]

I did the same thing and lost a really good friend. 😢

[@finsterthecat]

I did the same thing my family no longer speaks with me.

[@slateg1]

Me too!! But not just a friend, my sister!😢

[@pcwhizmail]

Heidi's video is packed with so much golden information that I needed to take notes and watch this several times. Learning this will change my life for the better.

[@andreagonzalez5307]

Def rewatched it too

[@Rain_Reign]

I saved it in my “Mental Health” playlist bc I’m sure I’ll need to rewatch multiple times

[@Prestonrudd1982]

You have SUCH a gift to explain psychologically complex dynamics and inner work. It reminds me the way Ram Dass distilled high level spiritual teachings from Buddhism and Hinduism to his American audience. Thank you for sharing your gift to the world. I’m sure it’s helping so many as they struggle being complex human beings.

[@Spiritof48]

Cancelling appointments gets annoying really quickly to anyone. Keeping promises is a must.

[@foxfiregal]

21:00 How to cancel ❤ 22:15 How to take space ❤ 23:00 How to set a boundary ❤ 25:15 How to repair and rebuild ❤ "I'm OK, you're OK" mindset. WIN-WIN.

[@FaithfulandTrue777]

Brilliant thanks! People matter AND, oh...we matter??!

[@shelbytimbrook2095]

This helped me articulate myself clearly for the first time with my boss and I finally feel heard and understood at work (after 10 years of working there lol). This has helped me greatly and I don't know how to express how grateful I am.

[@Introverted100]

Just in case I haven't made this comment before, I want to say that I feel like you reach inside my mind and show me things about myself that I would never know otherwise. I feel like you know me somehow. I can't thank you enough for your insights.

[@jamesgilbert124]

Oh, the heartache that could have been avoided if I'd learned these lessons earlier.

[@qmonk5108]

it's so crazy I feel like a lot of heidi's videos answer questions ive had for years and never knew the answers to. I know i've always felt this deep, horrible fear of disappointing others in a certain way. Or even seeing it happen on TV always made me feel absolutely horrible and I feel like this helps explain where that comes from...

[@TheBeccasol1]

I'm so grateful you exist.. you are giving words to emotional patterns that feel super elusive to me when I try to journal. 🙏🏾

[@alvaradoconsultinggroup3753]

Heidi, may you find an ounce of peace, love and healing that you offer into the world. May you know to the depth of your soul how many people you have touched and brought to healing. May you experience being seen and met the way that you offer to so many others. You are simply an amazing human being who has found her way from Wounds to Wisdom. May you feel that for yourself today🙏💟

[@MatthewWatts-rj7ij]

I've missed you. I got worried that you had stopped. My anxious attachment is showing.

[@slateg1]

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you Heidi. I may never be able to repair the damage to my relationship with my sister, but I can clearly see how we’ve been impacted by childhood trauma and insecure attachment. The left side of your chart was a checklist for our cycle of destruction. My appreciation is for the provided action steps. I know exactly what I need to work on to get out of the cycle.

[@consciouscat-b5f]

Thanks for all you do Hiedi. Your work has had a tremendously positive impact on me. Greetings from Lagos , Nigeria

[@tinaking4092]

Need to give myself lots of compassion for this one. Hope others do the same. Heidi maybe doing like a little self compassion break in the middle of videos or after hard truths would be helpful for your audience to be able to take in what you’re saying. Speaks to how you’re hitting the nail on the head. Thank you ❤

[@Elizabeth-nq9ly]

I feel like this is advanced growth 101. I'm not sure I'm at this stage yet

[@klb1193]

Heidi, just yesterday I was thinking about how you are an angel among us. Your videos brought me to ACA almost 1.5 years ago and I am now a board member of my local chapter. Your wisdom gave me a beacon of hope in one of the darkest times of my life. And now, just as I am struggling with guilt and feeling like a judgmental person because I am disappointing my best friend due to my need for more space in the relationship, this video pops up. Literally, the same day that I have been planning a call with her to discuss this. I have tears in my eyes. Relief is flooding my system. THANK YOU ❤

[@azoz158]

Omg. She GETS it. Welcome back queen

[@francescafennell7789]

Chilleee you just ATEEEE..no crumbs

[@benlarkin857]

"Even if we can't give them what they want, we can still care about the impact that our actions are having." - Perhaps this is just the people I have encountered, but the response I typically got was "You're just selfish, you don't care about me at all" and I would end up caving to their needs anyway, which would lead down the path described towards resentment/villainization/a bunch of other stuff. I am eager to find someone who is open to having these psychology-facing discussions openly and without judgement. Part of my road to becoming secure!

[@KC-vs7wp]

I’m at and have been at a great place in my healing journey for a while. For the first time since went through serious trauma in my last relationship and ended up with PTSD and a drastically different life, I’m in a romantic relationship. My partner is lovely. I find watching these types of videos are helpful for me so I can be mindful of bad thought patterns that I can fall into and be mindful of not punishing others around me for my past wounds. I did a lot of the work on my own before dating even appealed to me, but being mindful of the fearful-avoidant nature that I have helps me stay introspective and reflect on how I can show up in healthier for both of us. Your videos have been so informative and I’m very grateful for your work and what you do!

[@IceCreamMan1909]

Thank you. While I’m still processing what happened in my last relationship, this gave me a lot of validation and understanding. My previous partner and I turned things into a zero sum game, I went on to abandon my needs and anxiously accept the “bad guy” position. I’m moving on in a way that is new, feels healthy and meaningful. Every once in a while a touch of resentment comes up. While I know that’s for me to learn what it says about myself, it’s helpful to know, the obvious, that it really is okay for me to have needs. I was with someone that struggled to do that part in the relationship and we created a tough situation for us both.

[@azoz158]

If you could elaborate on this because I am really struggling. I have been in a 4 year relationship with someone who I have helped fix their health, helped them with finding a job and paid for every date and paid for their Therapy to heal from their depression. I was their everything and all I wanted was their love and for them to move in with me. After 4 years when they became stable and have a good job, I got cancer, and I asked them (insisted) that they move in with me because I was afraid. They told me they can't handle me emotionally, thank you for everything and they blocked me. A mutual friend told me they got engaged 5 days after they broke up with me. I am so angry that they might watch this video and think that what they did was good or justified. I can't get a handle of how can someone do this. Am I crazy for thinking that they are a monster for doing this? I have anxious attachment and they have a dismissive avoidant.

[@hyesoteric]

Thank you 💥

[@emilyadams9986]

Heidi, I'm new to your channel, but I really like what I've seen so far. I even took a picture of the flow chart in this video. I still think that empathetically letting people down is a skill to be used sparingly, though, because if you do it too often, people will still stop trusting you; just maybe not as quickly as they would in the case of repeated malicious or apathetic letdowns. I agree that taking care of oneself on a day-to-day basis to prevent burnout, and having to let people down, is important, but a lot of people say that they don't have the time and resources to do that. The result is a generation of adults who are habitually flaky in their friendships.

[@Angel-k1d7e]

hit the nail right on the head. contrary to selfish capitalistic culture, there ARE indeed times where you need to do for others even when you’re not feeling it so that the community remains healthy as long as it comes back to you, as in you are also poured into when you pour

[@sallyjrwjrw6766]

I've been struggling with all of my close relationships and I couldn't understand why nothing I did felt right. I was only seeing the two dysregulated options! The secure path seems insurmountable but also amazing. I want to learn more about it but I know that I do that to put off any action.

[@samsarasuplex]

This reminds me of a years-ago friend breakup of mine that was made more complicated by us living together, and we both had serious trauma brain and insecure attachment. We both resented each other deeply, for different reasons. I was the one to move out. It did not go well. I can't change what happened, but I can realize how I made the situation worse through my own insecurity, not in a self-flaggelating way but in a more compassionate "well of course it went down like that, I was kind of a mess" way.

[@Numina_]

I have been abused by certain family members. I’ve been abandoning myself since a child. No one cared. I’m bursting at the seems right now. I went through a lot of trauma. So many people didn’t respond properly or in a helpful way. I’m experiencing the exit point right now. It made me neurotic for too long trying to get approval from certain peers in my family. It’s breaking my heart as I am older and I see it for what it is.

[@Numina_]

Right now there isn’t necessarily conflict with them… it’s just me being angry that I have had to suppress for so long.

[@viperb4148]

You remind me of myself 2 years ago. As crazy as this may sound, it was my therapist telling me that no one cares about me that made me move on. If no one cares about me, then I can do whatever I want. I can live however I want, and I can take the pain that they have me and turn it to my strength. People with trauma are very insightful and able to spot dysfunction a mile away. Use that as your strength and good luck❤

[@brightpage1020]

Thank you! 🙏 ❤ 🎉 So many channels are urging people to label, name call, keep secrets, and isolate from one another or cut relationships off anytime there is a conflict. But it shouldn’t have to be that way. We should be able to prioritize our own selves while relating with others and can learn to maintain for the health and future of our relationships.

[@AllFiredUp]

These videos have been incredibly valuable to me. Thank you so much for giving me hope that i can navigate my new relationship successfully and not either self abandon or cut and run 🙏

[@daniellekrbenton]

This is the most helpful and practical thing I’ve heard about boundaries. Thank you!

[@spiderhunt4]

I found myself hanging onto every word of this video - how accurately you described my current relational patterns and early experiences blew my mind! Also not super surprising because I always find your videos to be a salve for my psyche 🤍 Thank you Heidi!

[@stevensawyer5924]

Seriously missed you!💛🙏

[@NightMystique13]

I have become estranged from my mom due to narcissistic abuse. I had tried to have a relationship, but after 59 years as the black sheep, I can’t deal with her anymore. I live in peace now.

[@Numina_]

❤love to you. I’m struggling with my mother. I already cut contact with my dad years ago and I feel so much better. Lately it’s been my mother and it’s much harder than it was with my bio dad. But she is a covert abuser,

[@amberfuchs398]

No contact is the only option with people that cross boundaries and avoid accountability.

[@goblinelemental]

@amberfuchs398 I need to keep telling myself this. I feel guilt regularly for going no contact, but it was after several tries to address hurtful and frightening behavior in my parents. One's response was to become the martyr and victim, the other told me to shut up and never speak about it again and that I'm the problem actually 😬 I still can't convince myself I'm /not/ the source of the original problems, even though half our family also doesn't speak to them anymore for the same reasons...

[@giselle2085]

Welcome back Heidi. Its always so pleasant to see your videos. I set a boundary with an FA whom I love dearly and it hurt her a lot. Unfortunately my needs were at odds with her self expression. I can tell she feels criticized and rejected, it makes me feel awful. Your explanation perfectly describes most of our conflicts. Thank you for this amazing video. Im relieved to have found a path to work on healing myself and to better care for those i love.

[@JustARandomEarthDweller]

This is a gem 💎. You are fantastic at breaking down complex situations into simpler and manageable scenarios.

[@leticiavaldez6526]

This one is so instrumental in all relationships but especially the insecure ones. You’re so wise.

[@guyejumz6936]

Thank you for your video Heidi! The depth of your thoughts and analysis is truly a "step above" anything else on this platform. I really appreciate your dedication to thinking one step ahead and not just repeating "therapy speak" as you say. Thank you! And happy new year!

[@carolinevincke6679]

Your work is brilliant and so emotionally intelligent. Thank you!

[@blaiseutube]

After 17 years, my wife and I are separating and I just discovered your work. I'm avoidant and she is anxious. Your work is helping us go through this with mindfulness and compassion.

[@jackdeniston6150]

Are you avoidant, or is she not trustworthy? Very few women are.

[@Ron_Boy]

@@jackdeniston6150 It's been my experience that gross generalizations are rarely helpful. Even if they're "generally" true, they aren't necessarily true in every specific case.

[@WMantus]

@@jackdeniston6150 Go be a misogynist somewhere else..maybe your therapist could help u with that!

[@WMantus]

@@jackdeniston6150 Go be a misogynist somewhere else...maybe your therapist could help you with that!

[@WMantus]

@@jackdeniston6150 That's awfully m i s o g y n i s t i c of you...maybe your therapist could help you with that!

[@auntiekamia]

Just when I needed this video! Heidi you have no idea how much you’ve helped me over the years! You’ve helped me understand why I believe what i believe and why i behave the way I do like I do, but also helped teach me the importance of self-love and recovery. So glad you’re back! ❤

[@extern83]

Wish I could be able to find friends/family that are securely functioning. I’ve haven’t come across even ONE in my life.

[@itsalorikatpnw]

I have had ONE secure boyfriend. I'm not dating anyone else til I find another....who also isn't boring. Good thing I like being single 😂... My secure boyfriend from awhile back was anything but boring.

[@traceybyrne1690]

That's called the human being effect we're all included...

[@OptimisticPessimist33]

This is exactly the advice that I need. Wish I had found this sooner, because as you point out in the end, someone who self-abandons might end up with trouble down the line. And I certainly have. I got completely burned out two years ago and have been unable to work or attend busy social meetings since. This also means I've had to turn down many people (employer, friends asking to hang out, etc). The upside is that this illness is forcing me to now learn to tend to my own needs, while also keeping relationships alive ideally. It's learning me to be compassionate with myself and how to communicate. I've certainly been guilty of not informing people about how I'm really doing. Your video(s) are immensely helpful, thank you!

[@emilyh7982]

….the level of accuracy that you describe my experience is wiiiiiild. these are things my partner and I are navigating right now and each sentence you utter brings a gigantic light bulb! all of the titles of the videos you’ve released in the past month are hints at answers to the specific inner questions I’ve been having very recently. you’re amazing ❤ thank you so much for your work and sharing this-wow. after having a difficult upbringing into adulthood, your words are medicine that bring sooo so much relief

[@msmr7283]

dear Heidi, so happy you are back! Thank you for another incredibly helpful video💜

[@RonaldVanlandingham]

Heidi, your videos motivated me to start going to therapy. If it was not for you, I may have never realized my own mental health struggles. I never knew how our childhood could impact us. I realized that I adopted beliefs from my caregivers that were causing me suffering. On a real note, your channel could have saved my life. Thanks for being a part of my journey. I appreciate you, Heidi!

[@serenasaystoday]

I cant believe how clearly you explained my thought and behavior patterns when ive spent so many years struggling to figure myself out. Ive always been so frustrated, like why do i act like that?? So this video was very validating and gives me something concrete to work toward.

[@jinglejammer]

Thanks! I'm so glad you're back with fantastic insights. Helps me tremendously.

[@Dojan5]

The timing of this is incredible. Someone very dear to me recently put down such a boundary, explaining that they need time to tend to their own needs. Our communication needs work. I feel rubbish for not seeing their needs, and I'm sure they feel rough knowing how I work. I miss them, and hope they're doing well. Hopefully, in due time, we can work on our dynamic and achieve security. Thank you for your hard work. Your videos are always really insightful, and the perspective they lend is invaluable.

[@sherececocco]

I deserve. Not you deserve. I don't know what others deserve, I barely know what I deserve 😌

[@Hairyderriere]

Thank you for this very clear presentation. As you frequently do, you've selected a topic or area for work that many of us can relate to. Truly appreciated. 🙏🏾

[@dankusmemus2350]

I found your videos through the algorithm only a couple weeks ago and it has been a huge deal in my life, glad you are still making videos.

[@lizabethmarquez3867]

You explain it very clearly; the problem is when envy enters as a factor and even if you are a secure person and authenticity desire others’ well-being, they hate you for it! And your thinking creatively and empathy is precisely what they hate about you. Unfortunately, envy destroys relationships.

[@LittleBigDebbie]

Wow, heidi. I was listening to your video when mother came and began to talk. What i had just heard from you seriously helped me steering away from a doomed arguement and shifting towards understanding the real issue of how we felt. I suck at properly reassuring the other person, but i think im taking steps in the right direction, thanks to you. Your work is so precious.

[@saram5659]

I have a few friends that act like this and they broke my heart more than any lover ever has. And they still think they have the moral high ground because they are people pleasers, and genuinely believe that that is a selfless feature... I wish it was more generally known that people pleasing is always about feeling good yourself and not truly about the other person's feelings.

[@VeronikaKarailieva]

SO amazingly helpful and so well articulated - SO grateful to you for your videos. Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙏🙏

[@apskis]

I just love these flowcharts I can have a process to follow repeatedly!

[@asahnyt]

thank youuuu Heidi omg I look forward to this month's series :) this video appeared in my algo like a divine blessing goodness.. I didn't realize until this past summer that I had a Anxious attachment style for a majority of my life.. My past situationships falling apart is pretty clear evidence of never being able to manifest the "I'm okay. You're okay" solution to relational conflict. Sucks to admit but I guess we all live and learn. Since I started focusing on my desire to evolve into a Secure attachment.. my life has gotten considerably better. I feel like I'm stilll learning every day.. so it's nice to know that patterns and dynamics are always going to be unique to the relationship in context. I'm grateful to have been brought up in a Secure family environment.. even though there were obvious challenges, faith and healing has always been a core tenet. As I continue to grow with an Avoidant partner and various relationships, I am excited to learn more throughout the month. Imagine my surprise when my partner blatantly admitted to being an Avoidant on an Airplane lmao I was over here assuming all year along that they were actually Secure and I was hopelessly Anxious. But maybe all of this has happened for us to both be Secure all along, that's what I'm hoping / working towards at least. Thanks Heidi and everyone here

[@patrickrasp2741]

You are really one of a kind on KZbin - On point with everything detailed described and easy to understand! Keep up the Work glad you are back

[@century66s]

Excellent timing, I have a visit with a therapist this week. Our last discussion was ended with exploring boundaries. I have a way to engage about my attachment issues. Thank you young lady!

[@juliettavper]

I'm so grateful for how much you've helped me understand myself and take responsibility in my relationships. You have no idea how many missing pieces you've helped me find Heidi! 💗 always looking forward to your next video.

[@Regenerative-Workplaces]

So grateful you're back! And this video addresses exactly what I was talking to my therapist about YESTERDAY! Soooo timely. If my marriage survives it will honestly be in part because of your videos ❤❤

[@yanda7]

Wow!!!! This is sooooo valuable!! And helps me to understand and change my behavior and also feel vulnerable.

[@Cevalip]

Petfect timing - just talked with my therapist about having a hard time opting out of things when I don't have the energy or time to do all...

[@AriEllePhilia]

this could not have come at a great time! Missed your presence and videos Heidi, thank you for everything!!

[@deniz7172]

This is EXACTLY what I am challenged in navigating in my relationship at the moment. It's scary just how accurate and timely. THANK YOU.

[@ScrambleLynne]

I check into your channel at least once a week, thank you so much for your content, you help me soooo much with lightbulb moments… thank you

[@nidradhikya]

I love your videos Heidi, they always seem to be published when I need them the most! I admire so much the clarity that you bring to these subjects, but also how compassionate and calming you are. Thank you and my best wishes for you always!

[@Eyeballzilla]

This is exactly the video I needed to see today. Just coming off of a pretty bad manic episode, and the idea of working through the shame of letting people down is helping me so much. Thank you for all that you do. You have helped me so much during this journey of healing. I appreciate you

[@matthewbucktrout3291]

Thank you Heidi for another great and timely video. I've been watching so many of your videos recently I hadn't really realised that you hadn't made any for a while. Thank you for the huge amount of insight you bring to the subject of attachment and well done for expressing it so clearly and powerfully. Thank you for the tip-offs for looking at ACA and John Bradshaw's work too. I can almost feel a psychological renaissance starting to happen in my head - a mixture of better understanding myself as well as better understanding context and how the two relate. Attachment styles theory isn't everything, but it's a great overlay for better understanding what's on the map and shining a light on blindspots and making connections between issues which seemed unrelated or contradictory before. Thank you for all you have done already and what you're doing now.

[@melaniehunt1548]

I’m so glad to have found your channel. Thank you for your professional guidance.

[@saraleonetti3967]

Your videos are pure gold. Thank you so much

[@Suzidoodle]

Thank you so much for all the work you have done and continue to do, and for sharing this work and knowledge with us.

[@dsgnbldr]

So beautifully and consisely presented... thank you

[@boulevardiere1623]

I don't know why this didn't show up for me until now, but I'm so ready to watch it. What a perfect topic. Hope you're doing well out there in the world, Heidi!

[@jinglejammer]

I'm a fellow ENFP and long-time fan. Your content has helped me tremendously as I learn more about myself and grow. As a 2-e individual, I've recently learned about Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration and my personal alignment with it. I'd imagine you and other viewers might also relate. I'd LOVE your insights on the theory, its perspective on Over-Excitability (OE), the various dynamisms, and its applications with personal development. The topic could really benefit from your synthesis of it! What do you think? 🙏

[@alanmonteath4530]

Thank you Heidi. This is precisely the issue I am struggling with having interrupted/lost a 30 + yr. relationship with a friend. I will watch your video several more times and seek out a caring and loving way to acknowledge my hurtful approach to trying to take care of myself while expressing that my need to do so is real and appropriate for me. I fear I did say some hurtful and unkind things when trying to take care of myself for the first time in all these years. This is not easy work.

[@gayleneflower398]

Wow That makes so much sense! It’s too bad people don’t do it. It takes to secure people to do that, and most people, from what I found out, are just not secure.

[@jbpoeticjustice]

This makes so much sense! It really explained my last relationship well. Something that should be so simple, many of us didn't learn.

[@Getmeouttahere]

I love watching your videos, not only for intellectual healing and insight but also to observe what triggers come online for me. What I realized when watching the secure process was that the majority of people in my life would be unreceptive to the process. That hurts. One of the biggest roadblocks of overcoming CPTSD and insecure attachment strategies is how most of the individuals in your life are probably not healthy themselves, making collaboration almost impossible. 😢

[@dtheemess]

I never really noticed that when you speak you say “we” when describing scenarios but now that I do I really appreciate it! It makes it feel like community.

[@jackdeniston6150]

Bigger than that I feel. ¨we´ are all human doing our best. Not ´you´ are a piece of sh*t

[@getsuyoobi]

Wow this was right on the nail for an experience I had recently. One person who I feel secure with where we needed to transition the relationship and be disappointed but I still feel cared for, and another where I didn't feel cared for by them and experienced a lot of complex anger and shame and sadness in the disappointment.

[@vichoiglesias]

Heidi, I don’t know how you do it, but your videos always seem to come out in perfect synchronicity with my life. I’m infinitely grateful for all the amazing content you share with the world - I can’t get enough of your insights

[@ambercostley2597]

This literally fills in all the holes, connects the dots and answers so many questions I have on my conflicting views on sharing my needs at the detriment of another’s. I have heard some of this content before but this puts it all together.

[@MagisterialVoyager]

i was thinking of you the other day. i suppose the universe aligned our stars. thank you as always, Heidi!

[@portalsandpathways]

So happy to you here! Thank you for all of it.

[@juless5048]

the queen is BACK! I'd check in periodically and was so happy to see a new video - they always seem to find me right when i need them most!

[@JamesJONES-ob4hv]

This is your best one yet!! The why this is broken down a child can understand it Great Video!

[@ArtOfShannonLee]

Woah. Your timing is wild. I screwed up in my relationship with my sister, who’s anxiously attached, autistic & traumatised. *Context:* We were enmeshed, I was parentified & I habitually self-abandoned, because her needs took up a lot of space. We’re both recovering from complex trauma (EA from NPD father). Her ASD was diagnosed late and it seems her support needs are way higher than we thought. It started while I lived with her. I felt like I couldn’t move forward because she was so volatile that I was constantly on edge. She didn’t understand why I needed to change our relationship dynamic. I did try to explain it but didn’t do a very good job because I was very disregulated. We should’ve had more conversations about the changes which were coming while we were feeling safe. Instead, she wasn’t prepared for me to start honouring my boundaries. She often lashed out at me for being more distant than when we were kids, but I didn’t know how to explain that I needed space and less pressure. Or she’d yell and I’d ask her to stop yelling at me. I was trying to learn to set boundaries so, I told her that if she continued to yell, I would walk away from the situation. She’s never had boundaries before so she interpreted this as a “threat” instead of how it was meant, and an empty threat at that. Talk of boundaries agitated her and I walked on eggshells. One day she screamed and screamed at me, as she often did when triggered or during a meltdown. And, while I know her ability to control herself is seriously impaired, I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t even feel anything for her anymore. I’d grown so resentful of my selfish little sister, who I felt had betrayed me by turning into our abuser. I didn’t tell her how I felt because i knew it was irrational, but I honoured myself by finally actually leaving. I stayed away for weeks, because she often became hypomanic and would rage for weeks at a time (including not sleeping for days). There was no reasoning with her in this state. But, now that it’s over a year later, she’s getting more help and she’s calmer, she still doesn’t understand why I would’ve needed to leave like that. To her, this was abandonment and she absolutely imploded. Her mental health has never been so bad… and I’m not surprised because the strongest attachment she’s ever had was to me, it just wasn’t a healthy one. I am just laying low now, waiting for her doctors and mental health professionals etc to help her self-regulate a bit more. I don’t think anything positive can come from us interacting again before she has the help she needs.

[@clover5923]

I am going through annulment and ever since we broke up I found you and have been listening to you almost every single day. You helped me a lot. You made me grow. I'm not completely in my master skill yet but it's getting there and I can see my growth little by little. Thank you, Heidi. You are a great role model. 😊❤🎉